Niki DeMar: Ruining Your Life, Independence From Gabi, Finding Fulfillment, and Queer Identity

Episode Transcript
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Austin Seltzer (00:01):
Welcome to the Grounds for Success podcast.
I'm your host, austin Siltzer.
Together, we'll unveil the keysto success in the music
industry.
Join me as I explore my guest'slife stories and experiences to
uncover practical insights tohelp you align with your goals
more effectively.
Hey coffee drinkers, welcome tothe Grounds for Success podcast

(00:24):
.
Please like, follow andsubscribe for more content from
this channel.
I'd love to be able to get itto you in the best way possible.
On today's episode we have NikkiDamar.
I cannot wait for you to listenor watch this episode.
Nikki has been creating contentfor YouTube for the first time

(00:45):
in a while.
This happens to be my veryfirst podcast that we filmed.
You will just see how much of aprofessional she is, how long
she's been doing this and at avery, very high level.
It's very apparent from thefootage and from our talk.
I can't wait for you to seewhat a pro content creator looks

(01:08):
like.
In this episode, we will betalking about the content that
we filmed.
In this episode, we willobviously talk about her 13
years of content creation fromYouTube and different blogs with
her and her sister, gabby, butwe will also talk about so many
other things, like her albumthat's going to drop this week

(01:29):
on Friday, depending on wheneveryou're listening.
It's called Rune to my Life andI got to mix and master the
whole album for her.
I really, really love this rockgrunge era of her music.
I'm sure you will too.
We also talk about what a mixengineer can bring to a project.
It's sometimes a miscellaneousthing for some artists or people

(01:53):
who are starting out in musicor just haven't worked with a
mixer before.
We'll talk a little bit aboutwhat I do and I'm sure in future
episodes we'll talk more deeplyabout the mixing process.
But we also talk about howshe's moving her career to be
more independent from her sisterand just create her own lane,

(02:14):
her own sound, her own look.
That's a fun thing to dive into.
Lastly, a big thing is we'lltalk about how to navigate bad
press.
Whenever you step into thespotlight, no matter what people
are going to say things.
I thought that would beinteresting for me to ask

(02:34):
because I want this podcast tobecome a big thing and touch a
lot of lives.
I know that there will be timeswhen some people say some
things that are negative towardsme or there's quote, unquote
bad press.
I wanted to figure out how tonavigate it, and I thought that
maybe that would help some viewout there as well.

(02:55):
All right, let's getcaffeinated.
All right, nikki DeMar.

Niki DeMar (03:02):
Hello, this is such a cool set Guys.
I wish you could be here inperson.
It's like an experience.
It's like haunted house meetsmid-century modern meets gothic,
but also kind of like thefriend's apartment, I don't know
.
It's like cozy coffee shopcoolness.

I don't think there's any way that I could
have said that better.
If I were to put down what Iwanted this to be, that would
have been it, but I've neverbeen able to find those words.

Niki DeMar (03:29):
So you really did it , because the vibe is very clear
.

That's so awesome.

Niki DeMar (03:33):
Yes, we love it here .

Heck.
Yeah.
The other thing is coffee.
So we're going to have a greatconversation about wherever the
caffeine takes us and hopefullydeep places and places of
success, but places of totaltrial and failing to figuring
out the right things in thatdirection, but kind of all

(03:57):
centered around coffee.
So something I'm superpassionate about.

Niki DeMar (04:00):
And any of my iconics watching this know how
on brand that is.
For me, all I used to vlogabout was coffee.
I'm a Duncan girl, east Coastgirl, so I love my Duncan and I
still love my Duncan.
But yeah, I want to see thiscoffee that Austin recommended
to me it's favorite coffee thathe made me and he asked

(04:22):
specifically what I wanted and Isaid ice coffee, because you
guys know I don't drink hotcoffee.
I went viral for having ameltdown over being served hot
coffee and not ice coffee.

We're not really proud of it, but I mean, I'm
going to be honest, like viceversa.
For me I might have a littlehissy fit if you get it.
If I got an iced coffee I'd belike, oh my God.
But then I told you I likechomping ice, so yeah that was
confusing.

Niki DeMar (04:47):
He's like yeah, I'm an ice chomper.
I'm like so you like icedcoffee?
Is like no, I'm a hot coffeeperson.
Okay, got it, but I'm like acoffee and an ice chomper person
in one, so well it's going tobe perfect.

So basically, I had made cold brew overnight and
then just whipped up somecreamer and nice mugs yes, my
little makeshift mugs, because Iwanted to make sure that that
we had something branded for thepodcast.

Niki DeMar (05:13):
This is so cool.
You know, I have black mugs inmy house too.

That's the only way to go.

Niki DeMar (05:18):
Yeah, should I try it.

Well, of course.
Okay, cheers, and I just madethe same, but hot.

Niki DeMar (05:23):
Oh my God, this looks really good, oh my God.

Is it actually good?

Niki DeMar (05:32):
Yes, I'm a coffee girl and for how basic I've been
drinking my coffees lately,we'll get into that.
I actually have some likehealth changes in my life but I
have to be a very, very simple,bland diet and my coffees aren't
as fun as they used to be.
And when I told Austin it hasto be black or have like a dairy

(05:52):
free creamer, low sugar content, he was like got it.

And.

Niki DeMar (05:57):
I was worried how it was going to taste, because
this is fairly new having thisdiet and wow, this is really
good.

Heck, yeah, yeah , and I think, if you like, stir
it and all, you can get all theyumminess down in there.
Yeah, ooh.

Niki DeMar (06:16):
I could tell like some heart was put into this cup
, which means a lot.

It was, and I try to do that with every cup.

Niki DeMar (06:24):
You know, some just have maybe not more love, but
more, it's just better, you knowthis conversation is about to
get so good because when I havecoffee, like, I'm very like.
I'm a small person, so coffeegoes through me very quick, if
you know what I'm saying.

The best part is like, for everybody who's
watching this my bathroom'supstairs.
Oh, great Through a couple oflocked doors, so it's going to
be fun.

Niki DeMar (06:50):
Oh great when the coffee hits.
But until that happens I getvery like, very like talkative
chatty and I feel the coffeehigh very easily.

Okay, so we have to tie this out here.

Niki DeMar (07:04):
Yeah.

Well, what is a?
What is a normal day today?
Look like for you.

Niki DeMar (07:12):
I could have answered that very well during
quarantine, but right now, whata normal day in my life looks
like I almost don't have one.
I have two different normaldays, when I'm in LA and when
I'm in Pennsylvania.
And for those that, like, don'tknow and aren't familiar with
me, I run a YouTube channel withmy twin sister in Pennsylvania.

(07:35):
I have for like a decade, andLA has been something that has
always been calling me back toit.
I'll come here.
I've lived here.
I moved home.
Now I feel like the universe islike pulling me back and my
normal day in Pennsylvania isvery simple.
There's not a lot to do there,so it's very work, focused, very

(07:56):
content heavy and a lot ofworking out.
It's just work, working,working out and working.
And then in LA it's very Idon't.
I actually feel like I go offmy routine.
That grounds me when I'm outhere, because I don't belong to
a gym.
I don't know any neighborhoodsto work out or walk in, but I do

(08:18):
have a very big social lifehere.
So every time I'm here I'mworking on music or with friends
and I don't have a normal dayhere yet.
But my normal day at home islike it starts with a walk and I
have to eat three meals a dayand it's very structured and I
have to go to bed early becauseif I sleep in I hate myself.

(08:41):
It's very structured at homeand then here we just kind of
like peace out a little bit.

We're already getting into what makes you
successful, to be honest, likethat is the point of this
podcast, but we'll get there.
Grounds for success, groundsfor success, but like a routine.
I think if you find successfulpeople, generally there's a
routine.
Even if that looks like totalchaos, it's probably routine
chaos.
So you know we'll get in there.

Niki DeMar (09:09):
Yeah.

But yeah, I mean , la has so many interesting
things to do to see people, tobe around.
The hustle energy here is nojoke, like people always talk
about that, but every singletime that I go away from LA it
could be to see my family totake a trip to vacation which

(09:31):
always ends up being work, youknow.
But you come back to LA andyou're like, damn, there's just
something about the atmospherehere.
You can go to a coffee shop,you could go to lunch, you could
go to wherever, and you justfeel it the people around you
are bubbling with potential.
Or you know just this creativeenergy or drive that I don't

(09:56):
find other places.
So I can totally see how, ifyou don't live here full time,
that could throw me out of whack.
Yeah.

Niki DeMar (10:05):
Like I actually feel like from a content creator
perspective, it's actually worksagainst what I'm supposed to do
, like that kind of energy.
But then as I'm getting older,I want to get more business
savvy and that does exist here.
So it's a constant confusion.
It's like when I'm back at homethere really is nothing to do,

(10:27):
but there's the seasons changein Pennsylvania, my family's
there, that's where my roots,like that's I go back to my
roots, like that's where it allstarted.
I'm very inspired there.
So I make a lot of content anda lot of the content I make
there does very well.
But then when I come to LA, Ialmost feel like people don't

(10:48):
think it's relatable like myviewers and I've constantly
struggled with that my views forsome reason, my entire career
the views haven't been in LA,They've been in Pennsylvania for
me, which is really weirdBecause I haven't seen that for
really other creators.
So I don't know why it'sdifferent like that for me.
I really think I have a verystrong East Coast fan base.

(11:11):
That's the only thing that Ithink could be the reason why
that happens.
Also, I feel like when I'm outhere, because I have such a
social life and because music'sout here and that's really what
all I want to do all day.
Every day, I feel like I am sonot focused on making content.
I'm just making music, partyingwith my friends, or I'm at a

(11:34):
lot of business lunches anddinners and networking, and then
all of a sudden I'm like, wow,I haven't filmed a YouTube video
in two weeks.
Or wow, I haven't posted onTikTok in two weeks, and that
freaks me out.
So it's like as a contentcreator I almost think a content
creator with ADHD it's good tostrip away my distractions and

(11:55):
be in Pennsylvania and almostput myself in a prison, Because
when I'm challenged, I getcreative, and then when I'm in
the hot spot of things, Istruggle a little bit because I
want to do everything.
So my life, I mean, this isjust the start of the
conversation.
We're going to get more into it, but it's very weird, like the
way it's set up.

Yeah, no doubt, as a content creator, I could
see you know that would be verydifficult to continue going on
whenever you're thrown out ofyour routine, but also from like
a let's call it a life creatoror just like an art creator
perspective.
If you're not doing somethinglike you do in LA, you know,
throw your life into a littlebit of chaos.

(12:37):
Let's call it like you know.
Chaos means just not a routine.
So you're out with friends,you're partying or you're, you
know, just meeting people.
You're doing things that arenot regular in Pennsylvania.
That's how you can create art,because if it's always routine
and always the same one, the artmay always be the same, but at

(12:59):
some point there won't be artyou.
You just won't be able tocreate because you don't have
new inspiration.

Niki DeMar (13:07):
And I'm about to turn 28 next month and I think
that's like my goal of being 28is like create something.
No matter where you live or nomatter what trip you're on, you
stay grounded in yourself.
Wow, yeah.

Yeah, I love that.
That resonates so hard with mebecause I always eat at the same
time each day.
This could be like looked at asa little bit crazy, but I don't
know.
I love routine because the waythat I think of routine is like
a bowling alley.
Whenever you put those bumpersup on the bowling alley, that's

(13:40):
the routine, so that you can befree to do creatively whatever
happens in between those bumpers.
So I generally like to go tosleep around 9, 30 to 10, maybe
10 30.
I know that's kind of early,but then I wake up early and I
really feel recharged.
My body and my circadian rhythmwants me to go to sleep early

(14:02):
and wake up early.
I just feel better that way andI eat at the same time each day
roughly.

Niki DeMar (14:09):
I do have a question for you, though, because I know
you're creative.
If you guys don't know, austinmixes my music and you are so
honest to God, like, so talented, like you take a song, usually
mixing is just like I used tothink as an artist was just
finalizing things, but youactually evolve it and you make

(14:32):
it all cohesive, but you evolvethe songs.
It's like you're a differenttype of producer.
I didn't realize that when Istarted, and I get so creative
at nighttime and I'm a videoeditor.
I edit a lot of my music videosand that's literally where I
see myself.
I see myself being an artist,but also making content for

(14:54):
other artists, while still doingsocial media.
But I worry about, you know,with getting in this routine,
I've noticed I don't have mycreative night hour and that's
something I'm worried aboutgiving up, and I feel much more
stable.
I feel more like an adult, Ifeel energized, I feel excited

(15:16):
to do the boring things which,as an ADHD person, that's all
you could ask for without beingmedicated.
But I'm scared of not having mynights alone, like the EP, like
I sometimes at like five in themorning.
If I stay up till five in themorning editing, I not only edit
fast, but it's an incredibleedit and I couldn't have done
that during the day and thatscares me a little bit.

(15:38):
So I'm wondering my questionfor you.
I have a question for you, Ilove that.
Did you ever experience what I'mtalking about, where, like,
you're hyper focused on whatyou're passionate about at
nighttime and you almost became,you almost got your nights and
days messed up and you're likeduring the day you're not
inspired, but at night you workso hard and it's amazing.

(15:59):
And if so, if you didexperience that, how do you get
that going during normal dayhours?
Because my brain doesn't seemto work like that.

Well, I mean thank you for asking me a
question and actually like areally great one.
So I find that it takes waymore focus and way more like
alertness to mix and master thanto create creating.
I really do think thatharnessing that nighttime
deliriousness, whatever it is,and then for me during the day,

(16:31):
if I wake up early, I can justgo in the studio and I mean you,
walk through the studio.
It's pretty dark.

Niki DeMar (16:37):
It feels like that it feels like night maybe I need
to create a space like that.

Yeah, I think that subconsciously I created a
space that channels nighttime.

Niki DeMar (16:46):
That's a genius idea .

I don't, but I can't take credit because it
just happened.
I Just, it just was what mymind wanted even a space like
this.

Niki DeMar (16:55):
This is kind of like what my old apartment used to
look like.
I was just telling Austin guyslike this is very Much giving,
like I said, like the friend'sapartment with black walls and
Like coffee shop vibes and myold apartment.
The theme was coffee shop.
I have a whole video.
I'm gonna have to show it toyou and we're gonna be best
friends.
We are like, we're literally socompatible, like, even interior

(17:18):
design, like and also musicwise, and I'm like okay are we
like best friends.
That's awesome which this is agreat way to segue into what we
were talking about when I firstgot here, which was getting
older and, like your definitionof career and success and and
happiness completely changing,and that the reason this

(17:40):
conversation was even being hadwith my one friend was because
I've been asking myself a lotthis year If I want to even stay
doing this like social media.
Now, the only like I lovesocial media.
I'm like almost addicted to it.
I love posting most.
I'm very addicted.
I can't get off my phone.
I love talking to these guys.

(18:00):
They're literally my besties.
I love vlogging.
It's almost like I'm no, it'snot, almost I am getting paid to
do my hobby, which what morecan someone ask for?
However, there is a dark sideto that, and Once your hobby
becomes the way you put food onyour table, it almost doesn't
because like, stay a hobbyanymore and I almost want I'm

(18:22):
curious that, like the older Iget, if I can have Something
maybe I'm not so in love with,to put food on my table, and
then I get to do this for fun,then I would love my content
better and I would take awaythat stress of having to.
Like you know, if I want to paymy mortgage and eat dinner, do

(18:43):
I really have to put my face outthere and exploit my personal
life?
Because I have to exist somehow, and that's something that you
know I'm in my late 20s, I'mentering my late 20s.
I went from 27 to I'm goingcould literally gonna be 28 next
month.
I have no anxiety about gettingolder, which I used to have so

(19:03):
much anxiety about, because Ifeel like, look if my 20 year
old self could look at my 28year old self.
Would she be disappointed orlet down in some ways?
Absolutely, but I'm not herefor that like that's.
I Don't care what other peopleor my past self hold on and

(19:23):
we're back.
So what's really interesting islike it sounds depressing to say
that if my 20 year old self sawmy 28 year old self, she would
be let down in some ways.
Like that sounds depressing,right, but I'm actually like
happy, and I think that'sbecause what mean, like the
purpose of life and what meansthe most to me has completely
changed.
And 20 almost 28 year old Nikkiis happy.

(19:45):
20 year old Nikki Valuedifferent things and that's all
that is.
It's not that I'm not living mydreams or that I'm not meeting
the standards I set for myselfwhen I was that age.
It's that if I followed thepath of what 20 year old Nikki
wanted, 28 year old Nikki wouldnot be happy at all.
And I think that's interestingand I think that's why I'm

(20:09):
starting to have theseconversations, because it's like
it does nothing means failure.
It's pivoting and I think inlife, like you're supposed to
pivot, pivot, pivot like you're.
So you're always evolving.
You're always and I thinkquarantine taught me that like
you're allowed to Pause and livea slow life.
If that's what you need to dofor a bit, you don't need to

(20:30):
join hustle culture and be agirl boss.
You also don't need to live ina specific place.
You can constantly just reflectand ask you, constantly check
in and figure out what thisversion of yourself wants and
needs.
And it's always changing.
And you know, I've been growingup online and I feel like the

(20:53):
people that have been watchingme for a long time are like
Nikki You're never happy.
You lived in PA, then you movedto LA and you didn't like it
there and then you moved backand now you want to move back to
LA Because you're not happythere.
Nothing's ever gonna make youhappy and it's not that
nothing's ever gonna make mehappy.
It's that my idea of happinessis always evolving and I'm just
trying to flow with it.

(21:13):
And I am fortunate enough tohave a job, to where it pays
good enough, to where I can havethe ability to check in and
evolve my life, and I'm veryaware that a lot of people don't
have that luxury of being ableto, you know, choose.
I want to live a little bit ofa slower life.
I want to live here, I want tolive there and that's when I

(21:37):
really feel lucky that my 20year old self hustled her ass
off I didn't realize by likedropping out of college and
Skipping out on the partyingyears of my life, that I was
building something that wouldsustain me through my all of my
20s.
That's incredible.
But you know, I've been askingmyself like what?
If it's not asking myself, Ialmost feel like I have this

(21:58):
intuition where it's like I'malways gonna be online because I
love it, but I don't know if Iwant that to be my only thing
anymore.

Yeah, yeah, I totally get that.
I think that for the peoplelistening, I mean I had I
resonate with what you're sayingso much, like it actually is.
What you're describing is muchof what I've gone through.
I have pivoted so many timesand there's a friend's joke in
there about pivoting.

Niki DeMar (22:27):
We're back to.
Yeah, exactly we're back tofriends.

But with all of those pivots I Stayed the course
, which was I, I love music.
I love it to its core, like mycore being if I have a hangover
or If I am having a terrible dayor whatever, whatever the case
is, that's not optimal.
If I play some music I love, Iimmediately feel better.

(22:52):
That is my drug I music, I loveit.
And Through all these differentpivots you know they've all
been a different Angle of music.
It's always been music and thething that I wanted to tell the
people who are fans of yours,who Maybe don't understand you

(23:15):
going back and forth betweencoasts.

Niki DeMar (23:19):
Yeah, it's like you can have live in scarcity mode
or you can live in, enjoy thefruits of your labor.
It's like Scarcity mode.
I understand, like sometimespeople maybe were raised with
parents that were Maybestruggling or they were like we
need to save, save, save, almostlike preparing for the worst.
Or there's other people whereit's like how much are we gonna

(23:43):
give into capitalism and howmuch are we gonna actually
really enjoy our life?
And it's like finding thebalance between that has been
hard, because I feel like I haveso many different kinds of
perspectives being raised bydentists.
I Feel like I kind of not that Ihave a fuck it mentality, but I

(24:06):
also feel like, as a creative,like you said, disrupting the
routine, getting out there,traveling, being alone and
traveling.
Being alone and traveling, I'm.
I Feel like I'm becoming theperson I want to be and that
does cost some money but, likeyou said, you can do it
inexpensively.

(24:27):
I have so many friends in LA.
I stay everywhere for free andI'm really lucky to have that.
But it's like why not utilizethose resources?
And, yeah, I do fly a lot, butthat's something that is Helping
me become less codependent, getperspective, get inspired.
It's where I'm at right now.

(24:48):
I feel like a little bit like anomad that owns a house.
I'll always do social media,but it's making me wonder Is it
time to like look elsewhere?
Because I do want to feel thatlike Purpose and I feel like
just vlogging.
The highs, the highs, ooh,brand trips, ooh haul.

(25:09):
Get ready with me.
Well, I get ready to go on adate.
Ooh like, I don't know if thatthere's nothing wrong with that
content, but I've been doing itfor so long.
I can almost tell when I'maround new creators that they
still have the rose coloredglasses on and they're still
happy and excited, and itmirrors back to me how I'm so

(25:31):
Been there, done that and I love, I love doing this, but I
definitely think there's more.
I want to try out and there'snothing wrong with trying.

Yeah, I love that for you because, like in
the conversation that we've hadhere and then I'm sure that
listeners can understand we hada nice conversation before this
because we keep on referring toit that you generally like,
genuinely, genuinely want toHelp others and you, you want to
be a deeper, not icon a, and adeeper Person and, in your

(26:10):
viewers, life like add somelightness to this dark world.

Niki DeMar (26:13):
Yes and I think sometimes my influencer brand
can be very like feeding intocapitalism and like Feeding into
propaganda and feeding into youneed this, you need to look
like this, you, your life, needsto look like this and that like
it kills me to think that somepeople look at me just trying to
put food on my table and thinkthat, like they, they almost are

(26:39):
, like I need her life.
No, like I want to talk aboutall the other things, but it's
scary, you know.

Mm-hmm, hopefully, hopefully we can talk
about some of those here.
Yeah which, which leads me Iwould love to rewind all the way
, all the way back what, whatwas childhood like?
What was you and your sister'slife early on in your family
life?
And I want to figure out howsome of that shaped who you are,

(27:08):
you know, early in your 20s andwho you are now, and Probably
some of what you got from fromyour childhood and how that's
going to propel you into thefuture.

Niki DeMar (27:18):
That's such a good question.
I Want to say that my mom wasraised Very like, had a very
hard upbringing and she tried todo the opposite with us.
She wanted to give useverything she never had.
My mom had nothing growing upand obviously she's a dentist,

(27:40):
met my dad in dental school andnow, looking back, I think that
my mom she even says she feelsbad but she just didn't want us
to Carry the burden that shecarried growing up.
So she did the opposite and wehave the very, very, very
opposite problems that my momhad.
I learning finances now.

(28:02):
I had a business manager thatdid everything For 10 years and
it's like I'm fighting to learnthat now.
A lot of people I've had tofire people who don't Want me to
grow up because they and theyhave control.
I've had to fight people like Iwant to look at what's going on
.
I've had.
It's been hard, like reallyhard, and I haven't been able to

(28:24):
talk about that online becauseSomeone can cut this up and say
that Nikki's bitching about XYZ,so I don't know.

Yeah, yeah, first of all, you should just
not feel bad at all aboutlearning those things now.
One, because you are learningthem now, but to yeah, as it, as
a kid growing up, you're onlysubjected to so much.
You, how you are raised, isyour world, and if you're not

(28:55):
subjected to certain things likeyou're talking about, like
doing chores and finances andthe the things that you said
that you are now having to learn, as soon as that is now part of
your life, there's no longer anexcuse as to like this.
I didn't know that that's theway, but now that you you have

(29:16):
been subjected to those thingsand you're changing, that is,
that is Like, what more couldyou ask for?
That means that you're evolvingand adapting to what is now
your life and I I could see howsome people could Complain about
that, but if you just take astep back and understand that

(29:37):
you don't know what you don'tknow, and I do have to say I
think that I do have this career.

Niki DeMar (29:44):
The good side, or the side that really Helped me
create this, is that my parentsreally did not burden me with
anything, to the point where Iwas able to sit in my room and
edit videos all night and not dochores, and my parents weren't
hard on me to get straight A'sso like my focus was content
creation and anything creative.

(30:05):
So that was a luxury for sure,and I do think that that aided
and where I am now.
So I'm really grateful.
So it's like you know,nothing's perfect.
I was able to have thatbeautiful situation to be able
to really dive into mycreativity at a young age, and
my parents encouraged mycreativity.

(30:25):
My dad encouraged it.
A lot of parents don'tencourage that, so I'm left.
I'm really blessed for that.
But With good comes bad, and thebad is that because I was only
a creative child, I have to nowtap into the other side of my
brain.
I completely didn't use growingup and like be logical and use
logic and not make everydecision based off emotions, and

(30:46):
actually be an adult and be howto be organized by myself and
not have to rely on people andStay on top of my shit and how
to like stay on top of my living.
That's something that I'm nowlearning to do, so but I did
have, you know, siblings thatwere close in age, parents that

(31:06):
supported my dreams, and a lotof people don't have that.
Yeah, so that having like an, atwin sister, an older sister,
all of us two years apart Likemy older sister is a year and a
half older, me and my twinobviously same age so all three
of us were just constantlymaking content together, and now
that I'm alone as an adultbecause Gabby's off doing her
thing, my older sister is off inNew York City Making content

(31:28):
alone is also very hard because,like, what's inspiring you if
you're not having fun withpeople around you?
So I'm, I'm having it a littlebit harder and I had it easier
as a kid, and some people mayhave that flip flopped.

You know, my life was very fortunate.
I I got to just sit there anddo that and for anybody
listening, I think that a cheatcode to success is just figuring
out how you can Create as oftenas possible Whatever you have
to like.
Formulate your life like if youwant to be a music Artist, you

(32:03):
want to be a producer, or youwant to be like a, a painting
artist or a photographer,whatever that is you have to be
doing that all the time all thetime.
So formulate your life in a waywith a routine, with structure,
whatever it is, to be able tocreate as much as possible.
And it worked out for us wherefor you earlier in life than me,

(32:24):
but the earlier the better justhow ever you can create like
that's going to allow you to getthose years in that we talked
about 10 years in Before others,and that's that's the name of
the game is just be in thesandbox as early as possible and
be making little sandcastles.

Niki DeMar (32:43):
I also feel like to add to that.
I think alone time is huge.
Yes if you're constantly fillingyour cup with other people and
Trying to socialize 24-7.
And what are my plans this week?
What are my plans next week,what are my plans in a month?
And life is just fun, fun, funand you're constantly around
other people.
You're never really going totap into Really like where the

(33:08):
fuck you could go and what youreally want.
I think, personally, I've spentthe last 2022 to 2023, you know
I was grieving a breakup and Ineeded that year of just
socialization and travelingbecause you know you gotta heal
somehow and I spent so much timejust with that person.

(33:28):
I needed to just see what elsewas out there.
But now, looking back inhindsight, now that I'm starting
to really crave my alone timeagain and give it to myself, I
feel like I'm making strides bymyself and I think that my
content I'm so much more proudof it when I'm.
I come up with better ideaswhen I'm alone.
Even though I was like reallyprivileged there were.

(33:49):
I had a lot of alone timebecause I didn't have a lot of
friends, because the second Iwould make friends, it wouldn't
last long, because when there'stwo people, someone's gonna fuck
up.
If you only have to rely onyourself.
You can keep friends for awhile.
The friends I've made in my 20sjust as Nikki friends they're
still my friends.

(34:10):
But the friends I've sharedwith Gabby, if she has a falling
out with them, odds are they.
It feels awkward with me too,because if someone's hating on
my sister, how can I be friendswith them?
So it's like when I was in highschool I didn't really have
friends.
I didn't wanna go to footballgames.
I didn't wanna go to schooldances.
I didn't get invited to anygraduation parties.

(34:30):
I didn't have a graduationparty.
I graduated and that was it.
And then I was YouTube.
Let's go.

I could literally Do.
You wanna throw a graduationparty in the studio?
We can throw you a graduationparty.

Niki DeMar (34:42):
Sure and honestly, party of two, and that's how I
was in high school.
I was like I just wanna becreative and have my party of
two or three.
I wasn't a part of a big friendgroup and I think that's why I
am where I am.
I think people senior yearwe're just like kind of partying
and relying on like clout andseniority and popularity, while

(35:07):
I was just like editing away andI think sometimes it's
silencing what you think youshould be doing and really
focusing on what lights you up,and I think that's why I am
where I am.

Yeah, yeah, the sacrifices that you made that's
one of the hardest things forpeople to see are the sacrifices
that creatives make.

Niki DeMar (35:26):
So many people are like Nikki, why don't you just
sell your house, just moved LA,just sell your house.
And those are people from LAand I look at them and I'm like
my gut says not yet, because Ifeel like I am really being
creative when I'm over there andthat's a sacrifice.
Like you know, I do get jealousof people that can wake up
where all my friends live andthey can wake up and be in the

(35:48):
center of entertainment, becausethat is what I want eventually,
but I'm very well aware that'sdown the road, but I'm still in
this middle part andPennsylvania and alone time and
the sacrifices that I am makingare being rewarded.

No doubt, but I mean all along your life.
If we went back and we lookedat, day in and day out, the
sacrifices that are made to makethe content that you made are
tremendous.
Where other people are outdoing all sorts of fun stuff
with their friends, which I'msure that you did with a small
group, you know, here and there,I don't even have to ask you, I

(36:23):
just know that to do the amountof content that you were
creating for me, just sitting ina room, just, you know, having
friends.
Hey, we're going out tonightdoing blah, blah, blah.
Or hey, you want to come over,we're doing so much.
Ah, man, I'm working on thissong which nobody ever got to
listen to, but the me justchipping away at learning the
craft.

(36:43):
There are probably thousands oftimes that I had to say no to
things that I really wanted todo and I am more than certain
the same with you.
It's just what you have to doto be great at something,
whatever that is.

Niki DeMar (37:00):
Choosing the craft over literally everything else.
In college I actually didn'thave a party phase.
The three years I was incollege People would invite me
out and be like Nicky come smoke, nicky, come party.
And I would say no because I'dstay inside and edit, because I
saw what I was creating formyself and that meant more to me
than anything else and I wasperceived as stuck up and that I

(37:22):
thought I was better thaneveryone just because I didn't
want to party.
But the irony is that now Ifeel like at 27, I'm getting the
party years that I didn't get.
I went through the breakup.
I was in LA.
I've never made more friendsthan I have this past year.
I have so many amazing friendsthat I've made this year and
I've been hard on myself aboutit, like about being as social

(37:45):
as I am because I'm so used toworking on my craft.
But I also think, like I tellmyself, like you had to have
this at some point in your life.
You don't want to be likemarried with kids and like
wonder, like you know, everybodydeserves to have a year or a
few where they're just like ah.
For sure, Like I also thinkknowing when you need to focus

(38:09):
back on yourself is importanttoo.
I mean, life is about balance.
I mean you're a liber, you getbalance.

Yeah, for everybody listening.
I'm not super deep intoastrology, but I do know that
I'm a Libra and I do know thatit's a scale.

Niki DeMar (38:24):
Very balanced being and I do have to pee really bad,
like the coffee's hitting thisis a perfect time to stop.
Yes, I mean we'll come back.
Yeah, okay, cool.

Sweet Heck.
Yes, All right.
So the possibly like the mainquestion of this podcast and
exploring this among otherthings, but what does success
mean to you?

Niki DeMar (38:53):
So we all definitely like when we hear success.
I feel like we all see thisvision in our head and part of
it could definitely be verymaterialistic, like obviously
like house with a view LA, cool,yeah, but that's like not the
main thing anymore, that's likein the background.

(39:17):
The main thing I really do seeis waking up every day, being
genuinely happy and feeling veryfulfilled and the connections I
have, whether that be like afamily and a partner building a
beautiful life, and it couldlook like anything.

(39:41):
And I think like I also seesuccess as power, and that
doesn't mean like controllingother people.
That means creating somethingthat's yours and that is power.
That's you know as much as it'shard being a public figure.
I didn't realize how powerfulhaving a YouTube channel was

(40:09):
until like literally this year,because you know doing music and
all that stuff.
You're realizing peopleeveryone's taking cuts and
percentages and they claim thisand they have phoned this and
that my channel's mine and nomatter whether it's doing good
or bad or whatever, that's likeit's complete ownership.
But ultimately, I do seesuccess now as being able to

(40:32):
call something your own that noone else can claim as their own,
and also just being happy.

That's a really cool thing to be able to reflect
on.

Niki DeMar (40:41):
Yeah, it's kind of weird.
Like I really think the basisof our hearts as humans is
connection.
And if you don't feel likebeing alone and being lonely are
very like, very differentfeelings.
You're when you're alone,you're probably choosing to be
alone, and if you're lonely,that's like not out of choice,

(41:05):
that's like you really don'tfeel like you have anybody
making you feel like they'reholding you in this hard world.
And I felt lonely for a reallylong time.
And I felt lonely when I wasmaking some of my highest income
.
And what was the point ofmaking that high income if I
felt that pulling in my stomachlike every day?

(41:27):
What was the point?
So it's like success to me isbeing able to breathe and not
feeling like you're holding yourbreath through life because
it's so hard.

Wow.

Niki DeMar (41:41):
Yeah, that last line .

I don't know if you literally mean holding your
breath, but there are many dayswhere the stress level that I'm
under, with so many differentprojects and so many different
emotions of I need this todaybecause X, y and Z, but then
also life things happening thatI actually find myself holding
my breath.

Niki DeMar (42:05):
Because I'm just holding on.
That's like fight or flight.
That's like I don't know if youlike know.
There's like breath work orbreathing apps because, as
humans, like, when we like don'tbreathe properly, like it only
adds to the stress and theanxiety and we do stop breathing
literally.
We're like when we're likewriting an email I don't breathe
, but literally.

I'm like Damn, what email is this One that you
don't want to be writing forsure?

Niki DeMar (42:33):
For sure.

Your answer.
Everything that you've beensaying I resonate with a whole
lot.
But the part about was it worthworking X amount of hard for
more money, I have to say thatI've thought about that exact
thing a lot.
I've never been in the positionthat you have, you know,

(42:56):
financially with a YouTubechannel.
I hope to be there and I hopeto be happy doing it.
But if we just scale it downand look at my life, if I hadn't
had worked X amount of hard forwhatever reward and then be
like, wow, you know what, thatreally wasn't worth it, I

(43:17):
wouldn't have that feeling.
I wouldn't have that knowing.
Like we can all look at I don'tknow big interviews with big
whoever and you can read 100self-help books and they all say
the same thing.
But I don't know if it's just ahuman thing or if it's a some

(43:38):
of us thing, but we have to feelit for ourselves.

Niki DeMar (43:42):
I always say I need to learn the hard way.
People can tell me what to do,but I got to feel it and learn
the lesson internally.
I won't listen to otherpeople's advice.

Yeah, I became much better at listening to
certain people after they'veshown that I can really like
what they say actually is true.
But then there's just somethings that we have to learn.
We just have to learn forourselves.
We have to touch the hot panand burn ourselves Like it's

(44:12):
just the way it is, and I hopepeople listening to this take
what you are saying and reallylisten to it.
But I mean, we both know thatpeople are still going to have
to try things for themselves,but they'll look back and be
like, damn, this is way to spendit.
Good here Is that if you do setthis goal, whatever it may be,

(44:33):
and you do reach it and you areunhappy, that self-empowerment
of actually being able to reachthe goal that you set for
yourself is very powerful, and Ithink that that is also the
power that you were talkingabout.

Niki DeMar (44:47):
And that is a very good thing yeah.

I mean we need to have that self-empowerment
inside of us that we feel likewe can reach a goal that we set
out for ourselves.
And even if it doesn't turn outthe way that we want, there is
a silver lining there.

Niki DeMar (45:04):
I think a part of success is getting totally
comfortable with failure.

Yes.

Niki DeMar (45:08):
You have to be so ready for that failure and not
care about what other peoplethink and how they see you.
I mean, I'm doing music rightnow.
I'm very happy doing it, butI'm very aware that you know,
with each release we're alwayshoping for the best.
Some song stream more thanothers, but that can't be why
you put it out.

(45:28):
You can't be like waiting forthe overnight thing to happen.
It's then don't do it.
It's like get used to failure.
Do it as if failure is alwaysgoing to happen.
That's how you know if youreally love something or not.
Is it worth it?
If it still is, then you loveit and then you should
absolutely keep doing it.
And that's how you freakingknow.

(45:51):
You know, you know.

That's how you know.
You know, I'm literally writinga note in my mind right now
because this is my first podcastepisode and I damn well know
that it's going to take quite awhile for this to catch on.
I definitely think it will,because we're going to have
great conversations with greatpeople, just like we're having
now.

Niki DeMar (46:11):
Consistency.
It all starts somewhere.
You already have thisincredible set.
The concept is insane Like it'sall there, it's just having fun
now.
Now it's time to play, andwhether people are watching or
not, just keep playing, keepplaying and then as long as like
something, I realized.
Okay.
I hate to always makeeverything a lesson, but I

(46:33):
learned a lot this year, okay.

Give it to me, let's go Give it to me.
Give me the lesson.

Niki DeMar (46:39):
I don't know if you're.
Are you?
You give me empath vibes.
Are you an empath Like you?
Really?
You feel other people'senergies and you try to.
It can be overwhelming.
If someone has bad energy, youfeel it hard.
If someone has good energy, youpiggyback off that and you're
always like reflecting otherpeople's emotions back.

I would like to think that I am.
I really do care about that.

Niki DeMar (47:01):
I feel like I work with a lot of people and I can't
say a lot of them are empaths,but every time I interact with
you I could tell there's like aheart in everything, everything.
So I feel like you're reallygiving empath and I feel like
I'm definitely an empath and Ifeel like that is something that

(47:23):
is tricky to deal with, butit's such a gift and I think
that once you can like reallyuse that, like it can easily
bring you down because, again,you're like picking off people's
energies, but it can alsoreally like bring shit up and
bring in a ton of abundance.

Yes, there are so many people that have been in
my life who no longer are in mylife that made me feel a way
that I don't want to feel.
And I have to say this is maybesomething that I'm just getting,
I'll say, better at, becausesaying good, I don't know if I'm
good, but I'm getting better atsensing immediately if I want

(48:09):
somebody in my life or not, justby the way they make me feel.
And I think it's because I'vebeen through a lot of hard
relationships, not like aromantic relationship, but like
with a boss, you know, at a job,or a mentor or whoever that
made me feel so terrible aboutmyself that I guess it's a

(48:35):
trauma, ptsd type thing thatimmediately, if I feel that way,
I'm like, okay, I can sensethat this is not going to go the
direction that I want to have,you know, somebody in my life,
and maybe I do get a pit in mystomach, so maybe it's just a
different way for me, butsynesthesia is a heck of a cool
thing, okay.

(48:56):
So I want to ask why did youright ruin your life, like of
all the things that you couldhave chose?

Niki DeMar (49:06):
I actually encourage people to ruin their life, as
destructive as that sounds.
I think that's basically sayingdon't listen to what other
people are thinking, or sayingDo what you want to do, even if
they perceive it as you fuckingup or you ruining things walking
away from a marriage, getting adivorce, moving, taking a leap

(49:29):
of faith, quitting your job,actually doing what you love,
like ruin your life and ways.
I wouldn't say I've ruined mylife.
I'm dealing with new strugglesbecause I'm maybe not being as
structured about my life, but Ido think, like you said, there's
some beauty in the chaos andI've had to check in on myself

(49:51):
and ask the question Nikki, areyou creating chaos because you
were raised in chaos and chaosequals comfort to you, or are
you genuinely just trying tofigure your shit out?
And I'm definitely just tryingto figure my shit out because I
love feeling safety and comfortand I love routine.
I'm an earth sign.
I love to feel grounded.
I definitely don't feelgrounded this year whatsoever,

(50:13):
so I'm trying to find ways tostay grounded, like working out
routine with going to bed when Ieat, like things like that,
maybe even like making playlistsfor each season and listening
to repetitive songs to feelcomfort when I'm not home.
I like that, and it's like thatis what's grounding me while I'm
in this process of ruining mylife.

Yeah, I think that you are ruining the box
that people have put you in.

Niki DeMar (50:40):
Yes.

That's I mean.
This year of chaos is really ayear of growth.

Niki DeMar (50:47):
Yes.

It will just be a new box that you'll you'll be
in for a moment.

Niki DeMar (50:52):
And then we break it again.

Exactly that's.
I think that's what life isreally about is just
continuously evolving and beingvery thankful for who you were
yesterday and just as thankfuland stoked to be who you are
tomorrow.
It's going to turn outbeautiful.

Niki DeMar (51:09):
Thank you, and you know what really stemmed this
like whole movement.
I unintentionally started.

What did?

Niki DeMar (51:16):
I had this realization on Christmas not
this past year, but the yearbefore where I was so not in my
element like my stomach, but Ihad to literally ask myself how
did I get here?
And then I started reallythinking and then I realized
that I was making other peoplecomfortable while making myself

(51:39):
completely uncomfortable.
And that's when I realized I'mnot living for myself.
Looking back, I know why I didit now, but at the time I just
felt like I had to and I didn'tknow why.
Because it's like, if you'regoing to end up with someone
who's of the opposite sex, wellI come out.
But I think I had this likeintuitive feeling that now
obviously I'm, you know, livinga queer lifestyle, and I knew

(52:03):
that making you know mysexuality was going to make
people very uncomfortable,including my own parents.
And I remember telling myselfNikki like you can talk about
being queer on social media, butyou'll never talk about it with
your parents unless you fall inlove with someone who's of the
same sex.
Fast forward.
I put myself in a situationwhere I'm like, oh shit, I got

(52:25):
to talk to my parents.
I was like almost heartbrokenover someone, over like of the
same sex.
So I needed emotionally myparents.
So then I started opening upabout it and now it's a very
normal conversation piece.
It's my life now and they're soaccepting.

(52:45):
And it took a bit because youknow it was a big change,
especially for my dad.
They're very like, oldfashioned, but that was a part
of, you know, ruining my life.
It's like I'm ruining thedaughter they saw for 26 years,
like that image, and peoplethink I'm ruining my life.

(53:07):
But I think I'm doing whatneeds to be done and my EP
that's coming out in the summeris very much this theme of the
unraveling, making change a lotof breakup songs, but also a lot
of empowering songs too.

Yeah, I funny enough.
I think breakup songs areincredibly empowering and I know
that I think there are somebreakup songs and some
empowering songs, but breakupsongs are very empowering.

Niki DeMar (53:37):
I could see that though.

That was really my chemical romance and slipknot
and yeah, just two verydifferent types of music, but
yeah, I think those were.
Those were mine.

Niki DeMar (53:52):
I was like Miley and dummy.

I'm a Disney kid , Okay you know I love both of
them.
They're both incredible.
I mean, demi's got a ridiculousvoice, not that Miley doesn't
and then Miley's songs are justso iconic, holy crap.
Okay, so I'm curious when do yousee we're talking about like
Mount Everest here, like thepinnacle.

(54:14):
Where do you see your life andI guess we could say career, and
that doesn't mean music, butjust overall, like I know, we
know one day you just want to behappy and that is, that's
beautiful, like that's, that isthe Mount Everest.
But where do you see thingsgoing in your life from sitting

(54:36):
here at almost 28, likemusically, but other careers as
well?

Niki DeMar (54:44):
I want to be completely, absolutely
independent from my sister,career wise, I want to not have
to every have everything sointertwined with my family.
I want to be financially likenot just stable, but financially
, where I want to be on my ownwithout having to be a twin

(55:06):
publicly.
And I see myself always havingmusic in my life.
When I was just doing YouTubewith no music involved, I really
really felt purposeless.
While everyone around me thatwas influencing I could tell
that their cups were beingfilled just by influencing and I
didn't understand and it alwaysfelt like I was never satisfied

(55:28):
.
But that's just because Iwasn't completely in my purpose
and I think YouTube's a part ofit, a part of the connection,
but I think music is the otherpart that I was missing.
So I could see myself.
There's a few things I can see.
I see myself living in a newcity like LA, building my family
.
I want to have a family.
I for sure meant to be a momlike the definitely be a cringy

(55:51):
mom one day and I could haveanother podcast when you're a
mom and yes we'll check in.

as we talked about earlier, this is a time
capsule.

Niki DeMar (56:00):
I see myself as like a soccer mom low key.

We got to have the follow up episode.
Whenever your kids are playingsoccer I mean, I played soccer,
so I resonate with this.

Niki DeMar (56:14):
I see myself being the career woman with kids,
being able to do both.
Because I've always been toldlike you want to get married and
have kids, like good luck withyour career.
And then I've heard vice versa,like if you have the career,
then you shouldn't want the kids, and if you have the kids and
you shouldn't want the careerbecause you need to be home for
the kids.
And it's like I love that.

(56:35):
I can like work remote andYouTube gives me that.
But I see myself honestlytapping more into the business
side of things, and music issomething I can't ever stop.
Maybe it won't be as frequentone day, but I really feel like
right now, like it is makes meso happy.

(56:58):
I would love, in a dream world,to be a touring artist.
Honestly, I say Halsey and pink.
I want to be like a topcharting artist with a family
and involve my family in allthat I do and I want to have it
all.
I want to be the career personwith the family and I also see

(57:19):
myself not just rooting formyself but building up other
artists and maybe directing andediting their music videos.
So it's like I want to benominated for a VMA and have one
of my videos.
I worked on with a competitoror colleague and have their
video be nominated, even againstmine, but I made their video
Like I could see myself doingthat.

That would be so much fun.

Niki DeMar (57:40):
I'm like editing is.
You know how you made yourcareer?
By being in your room piecingtogether music.
I was editing music videos.
I can edit a music video liketop notch in an hour.
It's like my weird passion.
I would love to edit for otherpeople, but I don't know how to
get started.
That's what we're looking intoright now.
I would love to like make musicvideos for like my artist

(58:03):
friends.
Start there.
I really, like you, know how Ihave synthesized, how I see
colors when I hear numbers andsongs.
I see music videos.
When I hear a song, I see fullblown concepts, storylines, and
I think that's a gift and I needto like tap into that more it
certainly is.

Yeah, I love that so much.
I think that the way to do itis just like you said you can
start with some friends and youcould just do it for free
because it is a passion of yoursand it will be the gift that
keeps on giving, because thosefriends will tell other friends
that you did it and you willjust get more content out there

(58:44):
for people to see.
Oh, my gosh, she really has avision for bringing these things
to life and I could see howthat would be so creatively
fulfilling for you.
But somebody like like Pink onthe Road my gosh, how, what a
cool thing where you know theworld knows you as as pink in
this performer but you get tohave your family on the road and

(59:05):
like in a beautiful life alongwith a very massive career.
I mean, pink is as big as youcan get.
She is my gosh.
Her career has gone on for solong and she is still so
relevant.

Niki DeMar (59:17):
That's the goal.
Like I don't need to rush tothe top, I just want my career
for a long time.

So I don't know if everybody knows, but I got to
mix your last two singles andmaster them and it was really
cool to get to look into yourworld.
One of the producers was Midi,a good friend of mine, who
luckily brought me onto thisproject.
Like that's kind of whatstarted this relationship.
And then Jules produced thelast track that we did, amnesia.

(59:46):
But, like, looking forward tosome of these other tracks that
are going to be on the CP youwant to dive into, I don't know
what all you can tell yet, butgive us the taste of it.

Niki DeMar (01:00:01):
So all these tracks were written over a span of a
year and a half, so there is anevolution in all the songs.
Some older ones, you can tell,have a little bit of my older
flair on them and like we canbleep the sound like bitch and
before and after.
And then some of the newer ones, like Sorry, not Safe and

(01:00:27):
Amnesia, have a.
My newer ones have a darker,edgier tone because I think I'm
at this more.
I know I'm like pissing peopleoff but like let's go type of
stage.
And then I feel like the olderstuff on the project is a little
bit more break up, coming backfrom a break up type songs.

(01:00:49):
But overall the entire EP isvery influenced from older music
from 10 to 20 years ago.
So like my first EP was very, Iwould say, like trendy TikTok
music because when I was stuckinside I was just listening to
Fresh Find's pop on Spotify,listening to new artists

(01:01:09):
experimenting with currentsounds, and I loved that.
I was making Bedroom Pop.
And this past year and a halfI've been actually doing a lot
of inner child healing and oneof those things was my sexuality
.
I remember the moment I knew Iwas queer.
I was 12 watching America'sNext Top Model, one of the

(01:01:30):
contestants I had the biggestcrush on and I was like this is
wrong, nikki, this is wrong.
And, ironically, I've beenlistening to music from 2007,
from seventh grade, because nowI'm like now you can be this.
And then I've been listening tolike Rihanna and like Pink and
like Nelly Furtado, like Shut Upand Drive Umbrella, like Gwen

(01:01:53):
Stefani, like all that stuff.
Old School Katy Perry one of theboys, like that album I've been
listening to all that and likethe Veronica's and 2000 music,
like Blink 182 and likeDestiny's Child.
But we're doing like all theDisney girls when they were
putting out pop punk music, butlike current.
And we're doing like a littlebit of Gwen and Pink and even a

(01:02:17):
little Rihanna, like party vibes.
That's where I'm feeling inAvril Lavigne, like that's not
her earlier stuff but more solike her girlfriend era, like
that's where I'm really feelingand there's mixed.
This was going to be a breakupEP and I was going to title it

(01:02:37):
something breakup related andthen I realized, oh, like that
is one thing under the umbrellaof what this actually is, and
then I called it something elseand I'm excited.

Austin Seltzer (01:02:48):
Yeah, hell yeah.
I love that.
I think that this ruin yourlife mentality.
This box that we talked aboutyou breaking out of is finding
your inner child.

Yes.

It's, it's the For a lack of a better way of
saying it is rediscovering thechildhood that you weren't
robbed of, but that you weren'tlike, you didn't live.

Have you ever heard of delayed adolescence?

I have, but I don't know where.

I think I listened to probably a podcast that dove
into it a little bit, but it's abig thing in the queer
community and I talked about itsomewhere publicly but I haven't
really touched on it that much.
I've been wondering why I feelyounger than I ever have in my
entire life.
This year I feel like a littlekid.
My energy is contagious and Inever been told that.
I just got back from a tripwith a brand and all the friends

(01:03:46):
I made on the trip said I wasthe life of the party.
I've never been called that.
I literally speak of the DebbieDowner negative Nancy.
I really think when I wasyounger I was the life of the
party and then I got corruptedby all that other shit but
heartbreak and young adulthoodand fame and stuff.
I think that my energy hasgotten lighter and therefore I

(01:04:12):
feel younger.
I actually feel like I don'tremind myself of who I was at 22
.
If someone would see my contentnow versus back then, they'd be
like whoa, she changed, I thinkfor the better.
But if you saw me in middleschool and high school, that's
who I look like a progression ofI think I skipped.
This is me in middle school,high school.

(01:04:33):
Then there's this blue hair eraYouTuber, nikki, who was
negative and depressed.
Then there's me now.
This isn't a continuation ofthat girl.
This is a continuation of thehigh school, middle school,
nikki.
I not only look like how I didback then, but I'm dressing how
I did and I'm.
It feels like I'm back tomyself.
I came back home to myself andin her child, nikki, I'm like.

(01:04:59):
Anytime I feel like I'm havinga panic attack or crying or I
feel out of control.
I almost I'm like talking tomyself like you got this.
I'm here, older Nikki's here tomake sure you're okay.
That's changed my life.

That's beautiful .
Thanks have you by any chance.
What you just said reminds meof this have you read a book
called the Alchemist?

No, you just told me to read it.

Okay, I'm guessing, though.
Have you seen we're going to gonerdy real quick, because I am
just a total nerd?
Have you seen any of the Lordof the Rings?
Or have you seen the originalthree by chance?

I wasn't a Lord of the Rings kid.

Okay, I'm trying to think of a good analogy here
, but there's this thing calledthe hero's journey and it's
across so many different likestories.
I think you're like anyreligious text or like Star Wars
or Lord of the Rings.

(01:06:01):
But the Alchemist is a bookthat everybody loves, it seems
who has read it.
The whole idea behind it isthat we must leave home and
travel and go to a place that'sunknown and that we don't
understand, to get back home,and home is where the heart is.

(01:06:24):
But it's really who we were asa child.
That is us.
But we have to journey far awayfrom it to figure out that
that's where we need to be andthat all give out.
I mean, that is what theAlchemist is about and everybody
should really read it becauseit's beautiful and it says it in

(01:06:45):
a very poetic way.
But I think your journeythrough Blue Haired Nikki and
that era was so necessary foryou to want to come back to
being a child, and being a childis where we should all aspire
to be, because it's our mosttrue self.
I try and be my child self allthe time.

(01:07:09):
It's very, very difficultbecause of the Adult stress.
Adult stress is, and I thinkreally like social norms were
meant to be a certain way.

We're talking like big picture, mount Everest stuff
, like earlier.
I really want to make an effortto not give into that and just
learn how to not, even though Iam just a number, learn how to
be the best number you know, andthe best, you mean the happiest

(01:07:42):
.

Yeah, because you told us that that is your
goal.

Yeah, like peace.
Do you ever just like see thosepeople living really, really
slow lives off the grid, like inHawaii?

I was going to say not in LA.

Yeah, no, like really slow lives.
It makes you wonder, and mymind goes here Do we have to be
a part of that?
Do we sometimes want more thanwe think we actually need and we
fall victim to that comparisongame and then we unintentionally

(01:08:18):
put ourselves on the wheel whenreally maybe that won't lead to
ultimate happiness, peace andhappiness.

Without a doubt.

Like I can sit here and preach about this and talk
about capitalism, but I'mdefinitely giving into it and a
lot of.
I mean it's natural.

Yeah, without a doubt that that is the case.
But for somebody like me, Ireally love like, genuinely love
the hustle of moving forwardand bettering myself.

And.
I really do love it, and how dowe stay like peaceful while
doing that?

Yeah, that's one thing that my girl cast.
She always talks about, I mean,while I may be, you know, the
sign of a balance.
I do not think that my balanceis very good at all.
I think that it's a littlebetter.

Well, you're creative, so give yourself some.
We're always in a chase withour creativity After one good
idea onto the next.
We can't celebrate that goodidea or that good project, we're
always onto the next.

Yeah, and I actually think that that's
because I get a dopamine high ofworking on creatively
fulfilling things.
The thought of us being heretoday is where the dopamine
kicks in and it pushes me towant to make this thing happen.

I mean you literally said when you were making the
coffee you're like I'm soexcited I almost don't even need
this coffee.

That's exactly right.
You just came up with even abetter example.
That's exactly right.

Came out of your mouth it did.

It's not the actual intake of the caffeine,
but the Chemicals.
The thought of me getting todrink it or not.
The podcast itself, which hasbeen great, but the thought of
us getting to sit down is whathad me so excited.

So I do have a question, since we're way more
similar than I even realizedhave you ever found yourself in
a state of your life where,before you had that awareness of
needing that dopamine high fromsocializing, did you ever find
yourself over-busying yourself,realizing and being consistently
happy and then having a biggercome down or realizing you were

(01:10:30):
busying yourself so hard andthen you realized, fuck, I'm not
giving myself, me time becauseit's such an addiction.
It's the same way like a drugor a person.
It's the same thing because I'mthe same way.
I get so excited and happyaround people.
So isolation and being alone isvery hard for me.

Yeah, I only found out about the low of
basically you needing to refillthe dopamine in your body to
just get back to baseline lastmonth.
I always knew that I was anextrovert and that I felt great

(01:11:14):
whenever I was around friends.
But earlier on in my life Iwould just always be around
friends, always, and I neverunderstood why I had days where
I would just sleep and justsleep and just sleep.
And now it totally makes sensethat I was just always excited

(01:11:37):
to be around people, that Ineeded full body repair to be
around it again.
Wow.

Yeah.

I've always, always, always flourished in
social settings because it makesme feel so good.
I mean mostly whenever you knowat least a couple of people in
the room, although I love notknowing a single person and be
bopping around and meetingpeople but, of course, like if
you have your core people inthere, it just makes everything
better.
But I certainly do need and Iknow now that I need that repair

(01:12:10):
time.

That's so crazy You're teaching me something
Like.
Yesterday I got back fromCoachella.
I spent the whole day sleeping,like all weekend.

But also, you know, you were up until like 5
am.

Yeah, we were ever showing him some videos on a
party bus and he looked at thetime.

He's like 5 am, 5 am and it looked like you guys
were just starting.

I was like oh my God , I'm a grandpa.
No, I felt like a grandpa.
I was falling asleep whileeveryone was like wow.

No offense to the grandpa that's out there
that can do that.
So that, I think, leads toprobably the last topic that I'm
certain that people areinterested in.
But I am too.
What does life look like comingfrom pretty much your entire

(01:13:02):
life being in a heterorelationship or a hetero?
I get, would you say, likemental space, like that was you
thought of.
I'm supposed to be with a manand moving into more of a queer
lifestyle now and you know whatare the dynamic changes.
You know way of life, way ofmindset.

(01:13:23):
I'm just so curious becauseit's coming from a hetero man
Like I.
It's hard for me to understandthose two mindsets in one person
and I would love to hear.

So that's also a really good question.
I obviously only identified,even though I knew I like had
something in me when I was 12, Inever explored it and I shut it
down right away and almost putit in the back of my head and
continued living and dated men,and anytime anything queer would
come up I'd be like nope, nope,wouldn't even let myself like

(01:14:00):
ruminate about that idea becauseI knew I could possibly be.
So it just never allowed it toprocess through my head.
But during those years, while Iwas only with men and dating
and being hetero, you know Ihave more of those years under
my belt than I do queer andsomething I realized is the

(01:14:20):
privilege you have just by beingwith the opposite sex.
Starting with perception man.
This year I've really had tolearn to let go of people's
perceptions because even justwalking in an airport with the
opposite gender versus the same,I've cut lines in security with
a boyfriend because old couplesthink it's cute, but if I'm

(01:14:44):
with a girl it's not the same.

It's not the same.
I never would have thoughtabout that.

It's not the same On holidays.
My siblings the second.
They're talking to someone newand it's a man.
My family relatives have noproblem bringing it up and
wanting to hear all about it,but they all know I'm not with a
man and it's not brought uplike that and I just have to be
happy for myself and with myselfand I can't bask in that joy

(01:15:09):
with my family.

But I bet that I do feel like, at least out here
, that a lot of people can justtell that you are now.
Maybe you always were, but youare clearly authentically being
yourself.

That's the best part .
I'm like talking about all thebad, but it's like I'm actively
choosing this because it makesme that much happier than all
the bullshit I have to deal withand that's how I know.
That's who I am, because andnow I identify as pansexual, not
bisexual, because now I'mrealizing when I, if I was to go

(01:15:47):
somewhere single, I'm notlooking for a gender, I'm
looking for a vibe.
I'm a vibe girl.
It's like if you have a greatpersonality and we have a
connection and you have a greatface, I'm into it.
I don't care if you're male,female, transgender, I can fall
for anyone and that's somethingI've realized and I think that's

(01:16:07):
a beautiful thing.
I got a really big heart and Iwear it on my sleeve and I let
myself get hurt very easily.
But I think that, even lookingback in the past, I think I've
been falling for multiple typesof people for a long time and I
didn't know what that wasbecause I never let myself dive

(01:16:27):
into it.
I think it says a lot toyourself when you know you're
dealing with something hard andyou're choosing a harder
lifestyle, but you're stillchoosing it every day, willingly
.
It says your actions speaklouder than words.
You can say you want X, y, z,but if your actions are actively

(01:16:50):
choosing the other thing, like,that's who you really are, your
actions show you who you are.
And I think my actions show meI am a part of this community
way more than I thought I was.
It makes I am happy, makes mehappy, and I also think that the
quote or the saying love islove has taken on a whole new

(01:17:11):
meaning to me.
I think when I was in heterorelationships I thought it was a
pride thing.
Oh, love is love, rainbow flagand I'm like no, no, no, no,
love really is love.
And how I felt with men is howI feel with women, and love
feels the same way, no matterwhat it looks like when you're

(01:17:33):
in love or being intimate, it'sthe same thing.
Same feelings in your stomach,same everything.
So I think that it's completelychanged my entire framework of
what I was raised thinking.
And sometimes I think havingsuch a long hetero history bites

(01:17:54):
me in the butt, sometimesbecause I know exactly how some
people may be looking at me orwhat they may be thinking, and I
have those voices in my headthat I have to combat Because I
may have had those thoughtsabout other people.
Growing up and I'll admit it,coming from a small town in
Pennsylvania with a lot ofconservative people around me in
Catholic school, I hear thosevoices all the time.

(01:18:18):
Well, I'm so happy with aperson.
It's like I still hear it and Idon't know if that'll ever go
away.
That's like 26, 27 years of allthat being fed in your ear.
But I'm like working very hardon myself to like talk about it,
talk about it with my likequeer support system, talk about

(01:18:40):
it with my therapist, with myparents, with my sisters, and
like talk about that experienceand like, the more I normalize
it and talk about it, I don'tfeel guilty for having those
thoughts about my own self.
I feel like sometimes I dojudge myself and it's like we're
really working on thatinternalized homophobia that I
was raised around.

Yeah, I think there are so many kids growing
up in homes that are raised withthat mentality and again, it
just it takes getting outside ofthat bubble Again, probably
leaving your state, your city,whatever, and experiencing
things on your own to besubjected to new thoughts, and I

(01:19:25):
just wanna say that I thinkthat that's incredibly beautiful
and it goes back to what I feellike is the keyword of this
podcast is happiness.
Success is happiness.

Yeah, like being successful with a family.
Like when I was younger, I usedto see my parents want to work
hard to provide and give usreally nice things and that's
how they saw success because ofhow they were raised.
But when I see success with afamily, I see everyone being
able to wear their hearts ontheir sleeves, not being scared

(01:19:57):
to say who they are, be who theywant.
No walking on egg shells.
I don't wanna put my kid intime out and make them feel
ashamed for crying.
I wanna ask what's wrong andlet's like dig into the emotions
of what's going on.
We were raised, everyone wasraised, our generation.
Like when you're crying timeout, but it's like but why were
you?
What was going on?

(01:20:17):
Like, and then we're raised toshut it, the fuck up and just,
or we'll get punished.

For sure.
Actually having to sit down andexplore that would be so much
more healthy.
I wanna say that I think thatit's really beautiful that it
sounds like this new queer.
I guess era of your life that'sstarting right now is beautiful
because what we were talkingabout is going back to your

(01:20:44):
childhood self, and your sevenyear old self is looking at you
right now and thinking, oh myGod, like I wasn't wrong.
I wasn't wrong for beingobsessed with somebody on
America's Next Top Model, whichis I mean, it's so innocent.
There was no filter on thatthought.

(01:21:08):
It was only until after.

It's all making sense.

That's beautiful .

Yeah, as you remember, back in the day where
like people used to use likequeer derogatory terms as jokes.

Oh yeah.

That was like very normalized in such a gross way
like in 2006.

Absolutely Like you're blank.

Stop being a blank.
I just remember being like I amblank.
Oh no.
And then I just like head.

It was used in every other sentence.
I felt like Yep.
I'm so glad that most peopleare socially aware of that now,
and for those who aren't, I hopethat they're put in an
environment where they're shownthat that's just not cool

(01:21:59):
because it hurts other people.

I would love queerness to be and I think this
is the track we are on.
I would love to see, in thenext 10 years, mommy and mommy
and daddy and daddy being waymore, way more normal in like
conservative areas of thecountry and like I don't know, I
would love to see coming out asnot even being a thing.

(01:22:23):
Why the heck does somebody haveto be like I'm gay?
Yeah, because that puts avisual on people's heads right
away Like it's embarrassing,like when I was dating boys in
high school I didn't have to sitmy mom and dad down and say I
like blank Right, like that'sawkward, it's like your intimate

(01:22:45):
sexual preference is nobody'sbusiness at all and it's kind of
gross to have to tell like yourparents, like I want to do this
in the bedroom, like that's no,and I just I don't understand
the concept of coming out.
I think if we're gonna be likethat, both parties need to come

(01:23:07):
out.
We need to have straight peoplebe like I'm straight, I like
vagina.
Like if I'm to say it, you gotto say it.

Very true.

It's not fair.

I think the final point I want to make on
this really is that it doesn'thave to deal with who you want
to be with in bed.

Well, it's love.

It's love.

But love always has intimacy.
It does so even though you'resaying I love this person, and
it should be more comfortablesaying that when you're coming
out, there's always going to bea visual.
Everybody has sex.

That's like the pinnacle of if we've reached
like so and so with my partnerand the mind doesn't go like I
mean like visualization in bed,then we've made it.

You see a pregnant teacher and you're like she had
sex.
Like when I was in like fifthgrade I was like oh.
Oh, my God Like you can'tescape it, it's everywhere.
It's human nature, we're bornto do it.
But it's like I think, likeit's just a little uncomfy with,
especially relatives Like I.
Just that's probably somethingI struggled with the most.

(01:24:19):
I just didn't, I got like Ididn't want to give people a
visual, you know.
But now when I sit and talkabout it, people probably are
getting a visual.

Yeah, the chicken or the egg.

The human imagination is incredible,
absolutely.
It's like picturing everyone inyour class naked, like it just
happens.

Write that down.
With that being said, nikki, itwas freaking awesome having you
on as my first guest.
This was this was.
It was so simple, theconversation flowed so easily
and now we know how similar weare.
It's pretty shocking and alsoawesome.

I know like after this we have to like for sure,
hang out.
I'm so down this is going tocontinue after the podcast.

For sure when you do to move to LA and I can
be one of the people in yourlittle social bubble.

Yes.

Unless you're doing a 5 am crazy bus party
thing, Cause you know like myasleep self will live
vicariously somehow through thatexperience.

But Not me like texting you at midnight last
night.
You're probably sound asleep,wrapped up in your bed.

I actually was, do not disturb us on, but.

I just started using that, and that's on self care.

Oh yeah, mine at 930 at night goes automatically
on.

I need to learn how to do that.

I'll show you.

Yes, let's do it before I leave, cause, like I,
that's boundaries, that's we canend it there.
Like I, self care is boundariesand I've learned while ruining
my life that the people thatbenefited the most was when I
didn't understand that I couldhave boundaries.
And they like took and took andtook.

(01:26:07):
And people will take whenyou're a good person and when
you're nice, when you're anempath and your people pleaser.
And I just want like the lastmessage, like success will come
when you find your happiness.
And to find your happiness, yougotta like maybe ruin your life
and by saying ruin your life,it's listening to you and nobody
else, because you're ruiningyour life in their eyes, not

(01:26:29):
yours.

I love that.
What a great last message.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thanks for having me .
Guys definitely like subscribe.
Follow grounds for success andhe's gonna really pop off, I
feel it.

I hope to change some lives or just be able to
touch a lot of them with somecool stories from cool guests.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah, and on that I think I may have to pee a
second time from my coffee.

All right.
So now that you have listenedor watched this episode, I'm
sure that there are so manydifferent things that you have
taken mental note of on how youcan implement into your life.
I certainly have.
I have a little note pad infront of me that I have all
sorts of notes on Nikki is awealth of knowledge, but there's
a few that I wanna highlighthere.
One of the big ones I lovedRune your Life.

(01:27:31):
I mean she wrote that on thechalkboard.
She created an album namedAfter this.
It's Rune my Life, and thisconcept of just inviting chaos
into your life and reallygetting out of the safe and
comfortable kind of dailyroutine will allow you to create

(01:27:54):
new, different, novel ideasthat wouldn't just typically
come up in your mind.
You have to shake things up abit so that you don't get too
much in a rut of continuing tomake the same thing or any
creative field it's the same.
Just shake things up, not bemixing or working on this

(01:28:16):
podcast or filling every littlegap with something.
I'm sure this resonates withyou, but just hearing from Nikki
, the traveling that she hasdone, the moments that she gives
herself to just breathe and beout of content creation, allows
her to come back to the tablewith just more passion and just

(01:28:42):
overall love and energy andeverything that you could put
into a craft that allows her togo as hard as possible.
It's not possible without thoselittle breathers.
Another big takeaway resonateswith me I kind of mentioned it
in the last point but traveling.
Now I think that this actuallykind of encompasses the Rune

(01:29:03):
your Life as well.
I took a four month trip at onepoint in 2017 and just being
able to see the world throughdifferent perspective, through
different eyes, throughdifferent food and culture and
ways of living allows us to comeback to whatever we're creating
with such a fresh perspective.

(01:29:24):
I mean, it really doesencompass the Rune your Life and
pausing to take a breather, butparticularly traveling, is just
a huge thing.
So if you're listening orwatching this, maybe this is the
sign that you need to book thattrip, or to do that little
weekend getaway or that littleroad trip or anything that gets

(01:29:45):
you out of the place that youlive daily, the cycle that
you're in daily.
Maybe this is the sign youneeded, and I thought it was
special that for Nikki andpretty much every guest that
I've had on, this is a verycommon theme at this point.
If you're watching, I'verecorded about 12 episodes now,

(01:30:07):
or I have, and almost everysingle person says that success
to them is just being happy, andhappiness is to different
people different things, but forher, it's creating things that
feel like hers and that givesher power.
It gives her this feeling of Iactually made and owned this

(01:30:32):
thing and that's happiness toher, and I thought that that was
beautiful and I thought that Ishould bring that up and let you
know that.
Thanks for listening to theGrounds for Success podcast.
I wanna thank all of the peoplewho work on this podcast and
help me out.
My team is everything to me andwithout them I couldn't bring
these to you every single week.
I couldn't post on social mediawith all the clips that we have

(01:30:56):
, and so I thank you guys somuch.
I wanna also thank all of myclients on the Mixing and
Mastering side, because withoutyou, I could not have Grounds
for Success.
So thank you so much.
If you're enjoying the Groundsfor Success podcast, please
follow, like and subscribe onwhichever platform you're
listening or watching on.
It helps us out a ton and Iwanna keep getting this content

(01:31:18):
to you in whichever way youlisten or watch.

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