Grumpy Wizdom - On Becoming - (Part 3) - Grumpy Wizdom

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome back. This is the third and final episode in the theme on Becoming, , and I'm gonna share with you all my hero's journey. And I think it's important for everyone to understand that everyone's hero's journey is different. It there's different catalysts for it. L length of time that you may be on such journey. You might make it all the way to the top of the mountain, or you might stall out and have to start all over again. My journey began in 2015. I was. 10 years younger, obviously my daughter was still in high school and my wife and I, we were, I think this was our 10th year. Yeah. We met in 2005, so it was our 10th year of being together in our fifth year of being

(01:00):
married. Was married in 2010 because we married in 2010, and that was on the rocks. You know when two people meet in their twenties and they are both coming from situations and families that have caused harm, trauma even, and then you bring two people together who. Are hell Ben, on loving one another, but simply aren't equipped to know how. And that's where that poem comes from, that you heard in the episode before this. It's all of that. So in our 10th year, there was a breakdown, a huge breakdown. We still learning ourselves. I am a big person that, I'm a, I'm big on realizing that this world is not set up for success

(02:00):
when it comes to relationships, thriving in different aspects or areas of your life. And as I mentioned, people are the point. But it takes a while before we start to recognize our contribution to the breakdowns. We grow up. Learning how to point fingers and saying, it wasn't me. I didn't do it. Meanwhile, it was your ass and you did it. And I found that at this point in my life, I was powerless. I had built this identity of apathy and most of it was due to my own trauma, my undiagnosed neurodivergence. So there was a lot of, functional, freeze diminishing accomplishments. Not seeing myself as someone who could really, truly make an impact, make any changes. Now, before this, I'd done things before

(03:00):
2015. I graduated in 2011 with summa cum laude. The highest GPA in my program walked the, walked the stage twice, which I was super annoyed about because I didn't understand myself or what was happening or why I was even getting these honors. It didn't mean anything to me. I also had been in my career in the pharmaceutical industry that I had started back when I lived in Research Triangle Park in North Carolina, and I continued to work on the client, what we call the client side, is basically the actual company. So the, I won't name any names, but the actual company's behind a product. So when you look at a product that you see a commercial for, there's a. Pharmaceutical company that is the company that produces the product and markets it. So I've been working on the client side since I started my career in pharmacy, pharmaceutical industry. And when I moved to Jersey City, I began to work on 42nd Street

(04:00):
for another client, another big pharma industry. A big pharma company. And after that I went over to the creative and marketing side of the world. Which means that I, instead of being at the actual company that produced, manufactured, that manufactured produced, and I. Put the product in market. Now I am the creative agency side that supports the marketing and promotion of said product. So I've launched some really big brands that you see every day on commercials. Again, I will speak no names and no products, but there's one that's running around now that a lot of people lost weight on, and I literally launched that product into market. Not proud of it because I'm not a fan of big pharma. And the goal to keep you on treatment and never, to cure you. So I'm not proud of my pharmacy work, but it was work and that's what I did. And that's my, vocation. It's my, been my career. I've moved from, starting Intuit to becoming an executive level at it, at an executive level, at it at an executive level. And the last time that I worked in the

(05:00):
industry was actually not too long ago, was 2023. I say all that to say that I had done some things but it didn't matter. And sometimes I think people can look at this idea of imposter syndrome as even, you know what we say, imposter syndrome is where we feel like we don't belong. Sometimes it's actually because we don't belong. And there's a dissonance in that, what I talked about in one of the episodes before about our thoughts and words and actions being aligned. That wasn't me. I'm a creative, I want to do creative work. I want to impact the world in that way. So working inside of an industry that I actually don't even stand by, but doing it outta scarcity and believing that in order to survive I needed to do this work, it didn't make me feel good. And I was always at odds with myself. 'cause I went out and I couldn't figure my way out. So 2015 I got laid off for the,

(06:00):
fifth, sixth time I was laid off from a company and I hated that. Also, my A DHD is not really good at working for people I the hierarchy in corporate America. For me, they the need for me personally to have to perform and or, act like a chump in order for you to feel like you are someone. I'm sorry. What did I do wrong? How can I do better? My performance revealed. None of that really aligned with me because who the fuck are you? That's how I always feel that's why I don't work anymore. But anyway, I, 2015 I got laid off and because I got laid off, I was able to get another position that was freelance. I've been working from home before COVID. Since 2015 and I got another opportunity. It was paying me KU money. I'm

(07:00):
talking, over 10 Gs every month, which wouldn't have happened if I didn't get laid off from the job that I thought I needed so badly. And with that money, with the severance and the money that I started to make, I was like, okay, this is my moment. This is when I talk about perfect moments where they can come and we still don't take the leap. This was that perfect moment. And so I decided, okay, Talib, what can we do? What are you good at? What are you skilled at? What is something else that you can do besides working for somebody else? Because we hate that shit. And so what I decided was, okay, what do I need? What can I get a certification in that will allow me to be an entrepreneur and do my own thing besides the books and all that sort of thing, what can I do? And this is when I discovered that or I decided that the things that I, that the way in which I was showing up for people and their lives already was something that I got to get skilled in and get paid for, get skilled in and get paid for. I. Giving advice, showing up for others, disrupting their idea of self or their concept of

(08:00):
society. Not recognizing the socialization and deliberateness of constructs is something that I wanted to do on a higher level. So then my research, I didn't wanna go for me. And because of my issues with self-confidence and self-esteem at the time, I really needed to feel like even though I had been doing it already, I needed to feel like I knew what I was doing in order to have a business around it. Went into my research. I also, in pharmaceuticals, I worked in r and d, so I know what research and development looks like. So I started to do my research, found this coaching, coaching program called ipec, the Institute of Professional Excellence in Coaching. Ipec, like unlike anything else, that I was looking at. They had a really robust program and I wanted that. I didn't want a $300. Okay, here you go, your certification a couple of hours, alright, you're now life coach, go off. But that's not what I wanted. I wanted to really understand what life coaching meant and how to operate it as a business and impact as many lives

(09:00):
as I could. So sign up for ipec. Ipec was well over 10 Gs over a year of my life. And so often I get mistaken when I say, I've been in Life coach since 2015 because I started the coaching program in 2015 and I ended up graduating in 2016 because I took a module off and didn't actually graduate with. The group I started with I joined the group. I started with, I joined another cohort in order to finish and get that certification, which happened in 2016. So that's why my brain be messing that up every once in a while. Anyway, I started ipec and incidentally enough, IPEC is when I started my self-awareness work. So I went there thinking, okay, I'm about to learn how to support others. And what it really did was shine a light on me. Emotional intelligence. I had none at the time. My contribution to how my life was going. Good, bad, or effed up. I was a contributor thinking that the gasoline and the fires the fires and the gas smell, that was all around me blowing stuff up. Was

(10:00):
somebody else, like looking back like who set that fire? Where did that explosion come from? And the answer was me, I'm the fire starter, I'm the explosion master. I did it all. And I didn't realize that. So while I was looking at everybody else and saying, my wife, was doing this, or my daughter was doing this, or my mom or my dad or, people, I didn't see the fact that I was the one constant in my life that was making everything work or not. And I peck shined a light on that. And so I say that was the beginning of my hero's journey because self-awareness, wow. People have heard me say this before, but it's a hell of a drug. Some people don't like that analogy, but for me it's that opportunity to be like, oh wait, I can do something about my life. I can actually make it do what I wanted to do, and it's not anybody else's decision or choice, and I don't

(11:00):
belong to everybody else but myself. That was important for me because up until then I didn't realize it and to began my self-awareness work and all I wanna do is learn more, I wanted another hit. Okay, what else do I need to learn about myself? How else can I show up in the world differently? How else can I be for myself and allow it to be a trickle down or up effect for anyone else that's in my circle? So I start this work, I gain clarity about myself, and I move through this program. We're doing hundreds and hundreds of hours. I'm talking about over six to 700 hours of peer coaching, of switching it up and then doing another round of peer coaching. Then learning our specialty. What kind of coach do you wanna be? For me, it was mindset, because I knew the impact of my mindset from doing this work and all I wanted to do. From that point forward was to disrupt the socialized belief systems, these constructed ways of being. And this idea that you cannot become whoever it is that you wanna

(12:00):
become. I wanted to be in that space. And so I started this working. At the same time, I started writing my first book Advisor to the Throne Volume one. But at the same time, my life was crumbling around me. My wife and I were, in a serious breakdown, more serious than it's ever been, ever. The great news is that, June 13th, we would've been together for 20 years and we're more in love than we've ever been, in our lives. And one reason is that we see each other differently. We see ourselves differently, and that's a big difference in any relationship. So I start this process of understanding myself, understanding how I'm contributing and recognizing that I have a choice. And my, belief system is that when you realize that you have a choice, everything changes everything. And as my life is crumbling, personally, I'm still. I'm trying, I'm still showing up, but still, I tell my coaching clients, I tell, I talk ab, anybody who wants to listen. That once you become aware of certain

(13:00):
things or begin to understand different ways of being or how to show up in the world, it's not a light switch. There's still a lot of unlearning, decolonize, decolonizing of the mind, of the spirit. And, it's still a process. And then you see the people around. You aren't doing the work and you're trying to show up on a different level, and they're still at their same level. No shade, but that's what happens. Anybody who's done the work understands that and we start to feel entitled that someone that other people need to get on board, start to learn a different language, start the way, start to understand that they can show up. They too can show up differently and be different, but that's not how it works. And I tell folks all the time that you, myself, we are not entitled to anyone else's journey. It's theirs. And if anybody changes because you say to do it, then that's not a change. It's just a performance. So it's really important that we recognize and are. And choose to be with

(14:00):
people no matter how long it takes them, or the other opportunity is to lead them the hell alone. I digress. So I go from IPEC and doing all this work and I get my certification, dual certified life coach and, as a coach and professional and also an energy leadership. Master practitioner. Master practitioner. And what that means is that, I was able to recognize how much of our energy and our energetic, output and input rules our lives. And we're getting energy from everywhere. And that's, so we have to be very discerning and intentional about that. So I finished my certification. I'm happy about that, but I am still the same person. I haven't really changed. I just understand different, and I'm clearer now about who I wanna be, but the tools to be that person are still a long ways away. I have to actually experience and experiment my life before I can just say, okay,

(15:00):
boom, this is me. I got it now. This went straight, like literally the weekend I got my certification the week before I entered momentum. So we're talking about. Finishing ipec with thir three days finishing IPEC in a ipec in a four day module every day going into, New York, sitting down in this Marriott, having these cohorts, getting going towards my certification, to passing my Tet, going there for four days getting closer to my certification, signing up for my tests in order to prove that I can coach folks in real life. That week goes by the following week, I'm in another four day at Momentum Education. So when I tell you self-awareness is a hell of a drug, I didn't want to stop learning about myself and who I get to be, if only I know and understand that I get to be whatever the hell I want. So I go to Momentum, and I told y'all about that in the last episode. So I go through that process

(16:00):
and inside that, my wife and I, we are figuring it out. We are, we're mending, we're we've destroyed it and now we're rebuilding. And we both go through momentum, which is great because we are actually speaking the sim similar languages now. And, we know how to show up differently with each other and for each other. However, we're still trauma responding and trauma reacting, which is something that traumatized people do. And so I go through momentum. Hell of an experience changed my life. Like I said, all the things that I've created since then happened because I put it on that list of achievements that I wanted to get done, and I started doing it. And then, and life begin begins to unfold. But before but in that timeframe, right? If I could take you back to a day of when that intentionality really, truly started, I remember being heartbroken, just really in a bad space. Ideations are happening.

(17:00):
I'm feeling worthless. Everything is a confirmation of all the things that I've been told as a kid. I'm stupid. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't I'm undeserving, I'm unworthy. Despite the work that I had done, but I was still going through the breakdowns and the upset and the heartache that had been my life since I was a kid. And all it did was confirm for me yeah, you think you're doing better. You believe that you are capable, but look at your life clearly. You're not, you ain't worth shit. You never will be. And this is the culmination of that. this wouldn't be the one and only time where the life that I was experiencing and my internal were in a huge knockdown, drag out. And I remember laying in the bed one night alone. And feeling down, but also

(18:00):
recognizing, because I'd done the work that I was an active participant in what was happening. I was raising my hand to say, this hurts, this sucks. I don't want it anymore, but come on, keep it going. I'm here for it. And I was laying there and just messed up. The ideations had been heavy that week. Just feeling you don't matter, bro. Just let's just be done because it doesn't matter and you don't matter. And I remember this internal voice saying, if this was your last night on Earth tonight, if this was the day I. And for whatever reason, whether it's you or some other circumstances, you don't wake up. Is this how you want your life to have been? Are you cool with the way that it has gone and how you're feeling right now

(19:00):
in this moment? If this was it and the way you are feeling, would this be how you want to go out and through tears and really just a realization that I had so much that I hadn't yet done so many ways that I could actually experience life, I was able to respond and say, hell no. Nah, man no. This can't be it. And it is when I gained that very. Philosophy that life is short, but it's the longest thing that you or I are ever going to experience. So be in pursuit of the life that you want. Because in truth, life can end at any time. For any of us, we know this. We are human beings. We, we've seen the cycle of life. Not saying anything profound or that you don't know, it just is what it is. And when I said that, hell no. I got up from that bed and I started writing down the

(20:00):
things I actually wanted to experience. Joy, peace, love, care support friend groups that see me, that love on me, that encourage me. And I'm not saying that I didn't have friends at the time that were doing that, but they weren't making the impact. I was still so caught up in my lack of mattering and worthiness. So I write down all these things and I know that I get to be intentional around if I'm going to have the life that I wanna experience. And so I set out to do that. Talk to you about my mastermind, connect Brothers. That was an intentional outreach. A I did my research. Who's out there, what's going on? How can I find a circle of people who are about that life and and really are able, will be able to, support and encourage me while I do the same? 'cause I'm very clear that I'm I have a superpower in that and I also always want to be reciprocal. So I found a group of

(21:00):
men that, that reciprocity was there, mastermind love those brothers, found them still connected to my LT from Momentum. Reaching for them, they're reaching for me. We're doing what needs to be done. I truly believe that each of us has our role, our place in society and the world. And that we have this capability of changing anything that we wanna change. And sometimes the world looks big and we feel like I can't do anything about Palestine. I can't do anything about Sudan or Congo or Haiti or America. Right down the street I always say I'm good on I'm good on any MLK Boulevard. I always say I'm good on ml. I always say I'm good on any MLK Boulevard because I lived off of MLK Boulevard for 13 years and there was a street that we were, in between and they called that little Baghdad. No disrespect to Baghdad, but they were basically calling it that because of the violence was that was there. Now I lived in a great home in this area,

(22:00):
garage, fenced in backyard. Basically it was my own little sanctuary. I pulled into my garage. All of that stuff was out there. Not that we weren't impacted by it, but anyway, I what was I saying? Shit, fuck. I don't know what the fuck I was talking about. God damnit. I was talking about that. I'm a big believer that, one person can create extraordinary results. All right? So I'm impacting lives through my coaching, but also it's a mutual benefit. As I'm impacting their life, I'm growing, I'm learning, I'm understanding different folks' perspective and, their problematic areas and the traumas that they have and what they're tr, what they're working to overcome. And I'm making the impact, I'm creating the change that I want to see in the world. I work mostly with creatives and entrepreneurs that look like me because I know what it feels like to be a creative and an entrepreneur. And to also have the, internal and external impediments that again, are a deliberate result of the way in which we are educated, informed about our identity and self, the

(23:00):
socialization and the constructs. So go through all that. I'm doing that work and then I I'm doing that work while simultaneously going through, momentum. Momentum is a three three different program opportunity. So you start in basic, you do that for four days, then you go to, another level called Advance, and you do that for, another several days. And then you go to that leadership program that I was talking about, which is a full 90 days. And so I'd done all of these levels while doing the work, while changing and understanding myself better. And at the end of it, I have moved into a space of improvement. Betterment, I am no longer working with that freelance company, but that's okay. My coaching business is thriving and, when the time comes, I do, I am able to go back to the job that laid me off because they laid off, they lay me off for, financial reasons. As soon as they got their money back up, they rehired me at

(24:00):
$20,000 more and a new title. So I was chilling. I was set. And then I started af frozen audio and this became an exercise in showing up. Whether I know what I'm doing or not, readiness or not. Here we are af frozen audio is getting started. There were several times, especially in that first one where I would look myself in the mirror and and ask myself, what the, were you thinking my dude? Like, why did you think? 'cause when Simeon said, start a event and met meetups, here's the problem. I didn't know how to do, how to facilitate a two hour meetup, or I didn't know how to facilitate a two hour meetup or a two day conference, which it was at the time, now it was four days, but I jumped in. I jumped in one because I'm already in my fourth decade of life and I've spent a lot of time not doing shit because I didn't believe in

(25:00):
myself and I was in a mattering conversation that can mess up a whole lot of things, relationships, opportunities. If I don't matter, if I'm not worth it, then I'm going to absolutely decline it. No thank you. And so when I jumped into Afros in audio and I started doing it, and there was times where I joke about that Homer Simpson, me, where he starts to go into the bushes till you can hardly see him. That was me. But again, once I say something outta my mouth, which I'd done to my mastermind Connect brothers, which I had started promoting the conference, it had to go well a month to the day of the first conference in June. We lost the venue that we had been holding. So that conversation I had with Minista where she said where's the conference gonna be? And I told her and she said, okay, that was a done, closed conversation. Guess who I was on the phone with Minista Jazz. Okay, I need a venue. I just lost it. That's after I ugly cried. Because my sister had shared maybe two weeks before that really

(26:00):
supported me was that how she experienced me was that I just kept moving. Like I never stopped to fail, to pause, to understand what went wrong, how I could do better, how I could feel better about it. I just simply would be like, it's over done. Move on. Let's keep going. A La Van Zant in her show Fix My Life, she said something that was very profound and that was simply, if it's in the house, it's still, if it's. If it's under the rug, it's still in the house. And so my desire to just keep moving like a soldier, and I'm not tripping, I ain't worried about it. Okay, I was, that, that happened. It's okay. I'll keep going. What I didn't realize is that I wasn't mending my broken heart every time. And so that would take its own toll and that would be a aspect of what was still under the rug. And so after I lost the venue and I'm getting ready to do the biggest thing I've ever done in my life, I make sure to feel

(27:00):
I cry. I take the time to really feel the disappointment. And damn I'm finally showing up and saying, I'm ready to be seen, be heard, move into the direction at which I'm called to do. And this happens. If I reached out to Minista and we figure it out, there was some conflicts and all that sort of thing. There's some stories that I can't wait to tell y'all, but it's not for this right now. And we make it happen. Inaugural conference done in the bank, inaugural conference done in the bank, and now fast forward first year, pull it out the mud. Second year, pull it out the mud. Third year, pull it out the mud. Fourth year you got it. I pulled it out the mud. Fifth year the mud has turned into clay. I. And gravel. what I'm trying to pull from is nothing to pull. And this single moment of

(28:00):
disappointment, setback being distraught, that what I'd worked for five years was still in jeopardy, still threatened by the lack of resources and support from an industry that I know that we're impacting. And I went back to that time in my life where the ideations were real. And the confirmations, of course, like of course this would happen. Remember? Talib, you aren't enough for this. You never have been. You never will be. And I spent that summer. Wow. You all wouldn't believe it if I told you, let's just say give thanks that I'm right here on this mic right now talking to you. And I didn't let that take me out. Instead, it was what I describe as the big boss moment.

(29:00):
Anybody who plays video games knows the big boss and sometimes there's several big bosses in the game. But then there's that final one that you are gonna die a couple of times, in the game and you just gotta restart and keep going. So I would say all four years up until then, was a big boss. And the fifth year was the final boss. And so I wrestled with myself and I'm confirming all the things that I once believed about myself, but I'm also, now I'm like, what? Wait a minute. None of that is true actually. Like you pulled this out the mud for four years straight and even though it felt like you didn't have support and or resources, the fact that it happened means that you did. And the sheer fact and the sheer and the, and something I learned in momentum is that and I always loved and took it with me, was that it's not how it turns out, it's that it turns out, and it happened every year. No matter what, maybe people didn't know the struggles. A lot of times when people see you out

(30:00):
front, and this happens when I'm, whether I'm coaching, speaking engagements and or Afros & Audio, people have a perception of what success looks like, but they don't understand that internally there's still a measurement of success. And I hadn't met my measurement of success yet. I still haven't, to be honest with you. But we're getting there. And the difference is that this final boss moment, the culmination of this hero's journey, made me under, helped me to understand that I am enough for this genius inside me. I know what I'm doing. I know how to do it, and what my journey is. Isn't meant for anyone else. Every challenge, triumph, victory loss was met for my own personal growing up. When I read that quote by James Baldwin and I did it for, and I put that in the beginning of the poem, lovers Award loves battle of growing up. Oftentimes that gets put, that quote has people

(31:00):
thinking about their relationships, people outside of themselves but love is a war. Love is a battle. Love is a, growing up happens internally too. And so all this time I had been learning to love myself. I. See myself, hear myself all while asking and waiting for other people to see or hear me. I wasn't hearing myself. I wasn't seeing myself. And during this final boss moment, when I would get on my Riker I drive a three wheel Can Am Ryker. A little over three actually. And I'd drive down to where I grew up in Quantico. I'd go to the fishing pier at my great-grandmother would take me and my sister to where we learn how to crab and where I still go and crab. And there was one time where I parked the bike and I remember walking down to the end of the pier and when I looked back, I saw this elderly woman sitting at the edge of the pier who was not there when I pulled up.

(32:00):
And I saw her and I didn't wanna stare because then I'm, I'm like this black man there who looks back and there's an elderly woman and I'm looking like the fuck, I didn't wanna look too long. So I turned my face and then, but then I was like, okay, I gotta find a reason to look back because what the hell look back? Person's gone. Of course, I think that was Malina. There's also an area called the Naniticoke, park. It's called Naniticoke Park. And my great-grandmother's parents, no, my grandmother, my great-grandmother, and my grandmother's and my great-grandmother and my grandfa and my great-grandfather had a job at this park, which was to pull the ferries under the bridge and. The way my grandmother, who's still alive tells it, is that they lived in this very narrow home that was built straight up. And, and they lived in this space while he did this job. So I go there too, and I go there and the birds are just making all this sound like I can hardly hear myself think because these birds are so loud. And of course, I think I'm listening to my ancestors. And as I take these mental health rides and

(33:00):
I sit with myself and I'm really in a way y'all just don't understand where I'm just the spiritual warfare of, bruh. You are. You are okay. And not only are you okay. The moves that you've made, the intentional people that you've put in your life, they got you because you've had them. So when I had to do the thing that I never thought I would ever have to do and did not want to do, which was ask for support, and I actually said this when I put out the call for support, because it's a philosophy of mine. It's not okay to say you don't have support if you never reach for it. And what I was about to do was not reach for support and being my emotional bag about how unworthy I am and how of and how this experience and how this experience was just confirming the fact that I need to go and sit myself down, go back to work and stop believing. Even for a minute that

(34:00):
I could do this and that I was making an impact and that it mattered. But because I'm a person who's gonna exhaust all possibilities, because I'm a coach and I'm coaching myself, and I know that it is not done until I've exhausted every opportunity, to make it happen so that it happens. I started crowdfunding. And when I tell you that, my friends showed up for me in ways that I couldn't even understand because I was still, after all the work, all the self-awareness, all the generosity and the love that I showed to other people and doing my work and creating things for others, I still didn't feel. Like it mattered because I still didn't feel like I mattered. And there's a lot of mystery around that fundraising One, because I didn't know what I was doing, I

(35:00):
just knew what we needed and I had to get it done. And there was some time where I tried to do things on the back end without ever letting the community know that I was here for, that I was having trouble. Didn't want that to impact them. Only me, like I'm the only one that needs to be burdened with this situation. Anybody who has those issues understands what I'm saying. And so it took me a long time. To actually make it public. And so by the time I made it public, I had exhausted all those possibilities. And so now it looks like, oh wait, what? This is a short amount of time where you need this amount of money. What the hell is going on? And I was simply doing the next step and exhausting what the opportunities were to make the fifth annual conference happen. And so there are some people who might think that the podcast industry rallied around me and got us out the mud. No, there was some support there. And

(36:00):
when I say some, I'm talking about a small percentage. The people who made the difference in making Afros & Audio happen were those people that I've intentionally put around me in my life. People that said to me as they were giving me a $500 amount and then turn around and gimme another $500 amount and said to me, the things that you have done for me in my life don't ever hesitate to reach out to me and asked me for anything. I got you because you've had me. And I didn't even see that. I had no clue the way that I showed up for other people, that they will see that as the moment I have an opportunity to do the same for you. I will. And that helped me to understand my place in the world because until then I was just seeing myself based on my trauma, based on my heartache, based on,

(37:00):
the abuse that I received as a child, I was still there. I was still very much in it. No matter what I was doing on the outside world, no matter what it looked like to other people, I still didn't believe that I was enough for anybody to care about. And that single moment of needing support and people reciprocated what I'd done for them over several years of our relationship. And I didn't even see it as anything. I don't believe support has an agenda or, and I'll do selflessly, but also in an undervaluing aspect, like I'll be overly generous because I'm undervaluing myself. And in that moment, not only did their show up for me, help me to recognize that, oh, they see me and they hear me, and they. They desire to be there for me, it also helped me to understand like, what the fuck are you doing here in

(38:00):
self-pity and who I am and the impact that I make forever from this point forward, that's no longer true. And instead of you continuously pulling out evidence from the back of the closet, from under the table, from under the rug, that proves I'm not worthy. I'm not enough. People don't care. I'm not supported. All of the evidence you need to get yourself a shredder and or a fire pit and burn it because it's no longer true and you no longer get to move like that. That was the final boss. And today who you have is someone who was almost taken out by that boss several times over. I can't, I cannot share with you the depth of despair and yeah. I can't share with you the depth of despair that I was in and how I was making it true. All while coaching all while.

(39:00):
Planning and moving forward with the next conference. I was doing nonprofit podcast work. So some of that was, invoice became due, over $10,000 that I was able to put towards the conference. So still I'm pulling out the mud in myself personally. But it was my friends and myself and some of the industry. Again. Thank you. I appreciate everyone who showed up,, but that was the moment where I said, I get it now. I get it. And from this point forward, I will never dumb myself down because folks don't or won't get it. I won't shrink. I. And pretend as if the way in which I've been able to make things happen is for, is for someone who ain't about it, ain't about this life. 'cause this life ain't easy. And I will

(40:00):
recognize that what I'm up to matters. And for me, that means I'm gonna act accordingly. When you understand who you get to be in this world, you begin to act accordingly. If you don't, then what the hell? But what are we doing? What's the point? So that's the story of my becoming. I. I'm not the same. I was last year or the year before that, the year before that, or the year before that. And it's been a 10 year journey to get to this point. I relay this story in hope that it disrupts others that it. Allows space for you to recognize that life unfolds and no matter if we're in front of the room or sitting in a seat in the room, we have our own personal journeys that is going to happen for our lives no matter what's going on. And no matter who's involved, because my

(41:00):
becoming could have only happened on my terms and could have only transpired with me doing the things that I've done in order to become the person that I am and anyone else's thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and what could have been done better or should have done better. This is not your journey, it's mine. And for whatever your journey is and whatever conference you create, you are welcome to do and be and act and create anything you'd like. But for me. This was mine. This was the one that the universe had set up for Tale Jas to endure. And if you get nothing else out of this episode, and this theme of on becoming is that anything is possible. And I have a friend, jd, when we were out in Denver going to the Marley the Marley Brothers concert, me and a couple of my

(42:00):
boys, we were in the house and it's about six of us. And he says, tale's, toxic trait is that he can make you believe that anything is possible. And I was like I'll take that. That's fine. Because anything is with effort with not folding. Now quitting, believing that what you were specifically downloaded to do and to be is meant for you to be and do, and whatever you want to have is within your possibility as well. There's support, there's reciprocity. There's these dreams that get to be turned into reality, but only if you access your ability to choose the life that you desire. Once again, life is not short. It is the

(43:00):
longest experience that you or I will ever have. And what doesn't break you, only shapes you. I'll leave you with this final statement because it's not from me. You ain't gotta take my word for it. Dr. Angelo wrote a book, wouldn't trade nothing for my journey. Now you get to interpret that how you want. For me, my childhood trauma, my adulthood heartbreaks, my experiences and experimenting with myself and where I get to go in this world and how far I get to go. It was all a journey and without those aspects of life. Those setbacks, those disappointments, those victories, those the people that entered the intentionality be behind the deliberateness of how I experience. I wouldn't be who I am to today. And I'm still unfolding,

(44:00):
still healing, still learning, understanding, improving kaizen a little bit every day. And that's my coaching. I'm gonna take a person from where they are to where they wanna be, through disruption, through realizations and through choice. ' cause all of us have the option to do or not do. That's up to you. So if anyone's interested in forward movement services, my coaching, my consulting. If anyone wants to hear me speak on a larger scale about these particular topics, and there'll be so many more that I, I can speak to. And if you go to talib ja.com, you can find out all about who I am, my work, the work that I've done, and podcasting my books, and the also the coaching services I do. Let's do work because we sometimes we can't do it alone.

And that's where people like myself come in. The situations remain, especially in the climate that we are in now, the support, it's coming, but I don't know where it's at right now. Let me, lemme not say. We are moving into our seventh Afros & Audio podcast festival. I'm very proud of that. I'm on, I'm about to write my fifth book. I'm sharing my poetry more publicly. I'm doing speaking engagements. I, which I do all the time, but I'm actually getting paid for them now, but is, I'd be nowhere without the journey. So keep pushing, keep moving towards your North Star, whatever that is for you. And one day, like a homeboy, common said in 1997. One day it all makes sense. This has been grumpy Wizdom on becoming. I'm Talib Jasir. And until next time, peace. Talib (45:00):
Ayo! If this episode sparked something in you, don't keep it to yourself, follow or subscribe, rate the show, drop a review, and pass it on. Wanna see the episode videos? Become a member of the Grumpy Wizdom Inner Circle on Patreon to unlock exclusive content, early access, and a fresh Zine every three episodes.

(46:00):
Join now at patreon.com/grumpy-wizdom. To explore more of my creative work or connect professionally, head to talibjasir.com. And podcast fam, if you create, produce, or move in audio. Don't miss the 7th Annual Afros & Audio Podcast Festival, October 16th through the 19th in Baltimore. Details at afrosaudio.com. All links are in the show notes. Thank you for listening. Let's ride.

All Episodes

Grumpy Wizdom - On Becoming - (Part 3)

Episode Transcript

Popular Podcasts

Stuff You Should Know

24/7 News: The Latest

Dateline NBC

.css-15opob5{left:0;position:absolute;top:0.8rem;} All Episodes

.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Grumpy Wizdom - On Becoming - (Part 3)