Navigating Grief with Gratitude

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We've all been there: something heartbreaking happens and someone cheerfully tells us to "focus on the good memories" or "be grateful for the time you had." These well-meaning but misguided sentiments are what we call "grief washing"—using gratitude to bypass pain rather than truly processing it.

This episode dives deep into the complex relationship between gratitude and grief, exploring how these seemingly opposite emotions actually function as companions. Neuroscience reveals that while grief activates our limbic system and puts us in survival mode, acknowledging even tiny moments of gratitude can activate the prefrontal cortex, helping regulate those intense emotions without numbing them. Studies have shown that gratitude practices during grief can help regulate cortisol levels and provide an anchor during emotional chaos.

The most powerful revelation? You don't have to choose between feeling devastated and feeling grateful—they can coexist in the same breath. Grief tells us something mattered deeply to us, while gratitude acknowledges it still does. We explore practical approaches like creating a gratitude-grief jar, finding micro-moments of comfort, and using authentic language that honors both your pain and appreciation. The episode concludes with journal prompts to help you navigate your own grief journey with gentle gratitude as a companion.

Whether you're currently navigating loss or supporting someone who is, this conversation offers permission to feel everything: the pain, the peace, the what-ifs, and the thank-yous. Because gratitude isn't just for sunny days—sometimes it's the tiny spark that keeps us breathing until the light returns.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:18):
Welcome to another edition of GW Unspoken, where we
discuss stuff we don'ttypically talk about but
probably should.
And we're here, coming to youto episode four of season nine.
We're talking about gratitude.
And this time we're talkingabout gratitude and grief and
finding light when it's dark.
We're going to step in the deepend of the pool today, and now
you're probably saying andsighing no, please, gary, not
today.
Grief is off limits forgratitude.

(00:39):
Please just stick with me,because this episode is not
about looking at the bright side.
It's about finding any light atall when you're in the dark.
And let me be clear this one isnot about fixing grief.
It's about feeling it and stilldiscovering where gratitude
might gently land.
And here's the problem,especially when gratitude feels
impossible.
Let's talk about that feelingwe've all had.

(01:00):
Something heartbreaking happens.
You lose someone, somethingends, your world shifts, the
rug's pulled out from under youand someone says, hey, at least
you still have those memories.
Or don't worry, everythinghappens for a reason.
You should be grateful for thetime you had and you think, wow,
thanks, that's helped me.
Not at all.
That's what we call griefwashing.

(01:20):
It's when gratitude is used tobypass pain rather than sit with
it.
So let me say this reallyclearly Gratitude is not the
antidote to grief, it's not thesolution, but it can be the
companion, and this is howgratefulness can coexist with
loss.
There's a neuroscience to it.
Grief activates what's calledthe limbic system, especially

(01:41):
that part of the amygdala, thepart of the brain where it
registers fear, pain andemotional threat, and it puts us
in a hyper-alert state, likewe're trying to survive an
emotional storm, and that's whygrief feels so consuming.
Now here's a twist when weallow ourselves to acknowledge
even the tiniest specks ofgratitude, like a hug, maybe a
memory, a scent or a song, weactivate the prefrontal cortex

(02:07):
of the brain, and that helpsregulate those intense emotions.
There was a 2016 study in theJournal of Frontiers in
Psychology and it showed thateven low levels of gratitude
practices in grief helpedregulate cortisol levels and
shorten the emotional recoverytime after a loss, Not because
it numbered the grief, butbecause it gave the brain an
anchor in that chaos.

(02:28):
So you can't be sad and grateful, or can you?
Let's get to the controversialbit.
There's this weird myth outthere that if you're grateful,
you should still be sad, or youshouldn't be sad or angry, or
caught up on the floor listeningto the same Ed Sheeran song for
40 minutes.
But let me be clear.
You can be grateful anddevastated at the same time.

(02:49):
You can miss someone everysingle day and still be grateful
that you knew them.
You can mourn what didn'thappen and still appreciate what
did.
In fact, grief and gratitudeare like emotional twins.
They often show up together.
Grief says this mattered andgratitude says guess what it

(03:12):
what it still does.
So now you don't have to choose.
They can live in the samebreath.
You can whisper I miss you andright after that say thank you.
So how do we practice gratitudethrough grief?
This isn't about being okaywith what happened.
It's about not losing yourselfcompletely inside it.
And here's how you can begingently reintroducing gratitude
during grief.
So, number one we've seen thisbefore.
Even with young kids do this.
They create a gratitude griefjar.

(03:34):
What that means is, every day orwhen you feel ready, you write
down one thing you're gratefulfor, about the person, event or
season.
You're grieving about a scent,a laugh, something they taught
you.
Number two you find thosein-the-moment comforts.
Not everything has to be deep.
You can be grateful for the sunon your face, a quiet morning

(03:55):
or a cup of tea that didn't gocold before you drank it.
These little micro-gratitudemoments can build resilience for
you.
And number three you can uselanguage that's real and not
force.
So try, this hurts, but I'mgrateful for the love that made
it hurt.
Or I wouldn't change it even ifit broke me.
Or it's messy and I'm gratefulfor even that mess.
So gratitude doesn't cure grief, but it can coexist with it,

(04:19):
and sometimes that's enough justto keep you breathing.
So here's some calls for actions.
Here's some little journalprompts, the things we do in
threes and the things I reallyencourage you to write down,
because they do start making youchange your actions and then
your thoughts and feelings andyour beliefs.
So here's the prompts for theweek.
Number one what is something orsomeone that you can say you've

(04:41):
lost but still feel thankfulfor, even if it hurts?
So let that gratitude be raw,don't polish it, and so write
that down.
Number two what small comfort ormoment or memory has helped
carry you through your grief?
Even the tiniest thing counts.
Write that little thing downthat helped you carry through
that grief.
Even the tiniest thing counts.
Write that little thing downthat helped you carry through

(05:01):
that time.
And three.
If you could say one sentence ofgratitude to that person, place
or season you're grieving, whatwould it be Now?
Don't overthink it, just let itcome from your gut.
So just remember at the end ofthis episode this is a sum up.
Gratitude isn't just for samedays.
It belongs to the storm too.
And if you're grieving rightnow, this episode is my hug for

(05:23):
you.
You're allowed to feel it thepain, the peace, the what ifs,
the thank yous, all of it.
And if this spoke to your heart, send us someone else who needs
permission to feel both heavyand hopeful at the same time.
And I'm Gary, and I really hopethat you have learned something
from this episode, or we cantake it on board, because this
is where we do speak from theheart, even when it's breaking.
We'll catch you next week.