When Thank You Feels Like Sandpaper: Exploring Authentic Gratitude

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Have you ever forced yourself to say "thank you" when you actually wanted to scream? That awkward, gritty feeling isn't a failure of gratitude—it's what happens when we're honest about its complexity.

Gratitude has been packaged and sold to us as an emotional cure-all, a path to happiness paved with positive thinking. But this perspective misses something crucial: real gratitude isn't always pretty. Sometimes it feels like gravel in your shoes or sandpaper on your soul. This episode dives deep into the science behind why forced thankfulness actually increases our stress hormones and triggers cognitive dissonance in our brains. Research from UC Berkeley confirms what you've probably suspected—obligation-based gratitude often leads to increased anxiety and emotional exhaustion.

Here's the liberating truth: you don't have to be grateful for everything. You don't need to thank the bully for "building character" or express gratitude for traumatic experiences that shaped you. There's a profound difference between appreciating what you learned and being thankful for painful lessons themselves. Instead, we explore three practical approaches to authentic gratitude: separating the lesson from the experience, naming the uncomfortable parts honestly, and allowing mixed feelings to coexist. These strategies help you honour growth without sugarcoating struggle.

Ready to practice? Try the reflective prompts shared in this episode to identify where forced gratitude might be causing you more harm than good. Write down what you feel pressured to be thankful for but still hurts, consider how to honour your growth without glorifying pain, and discover spaces where genuine gratitude can live alongside your messy, human emotions. Remember, gratitude isn't a moral high ground—it's a practice. A sometimes uncomfortable, always authentic practice. Share this episode with someone who's tired of pretending everything is fine when it isn't, and join us next week for more unfiltered conversation.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:18):
Welcome back to another edition of GW Unspoken,
where we discuss stuff we don'ttypically talk about but
probably should.
And we're here with Season 9,episode 6, talking about
gratitude.
And today is about gratitudeand always being pretty when
thank you feels hard.
This is a podcast where wedon't just whisper sweet things
into the void.
We actually tackle the real,raw and occasional uncomfortable
truths about life, love andhuman connection.
And today it's sort of talkingabout something that's going to

(00:40):
hit a little differently andit's about gratitude as always
being pretty.
In fact, sometimes it's messy,sometimes it's painful,
sometimes it's the emotionalequivalent of that awkward hug
you get, you know, from yourleast favorite uncle at the
family reunion at Christmas.
And here's the one thing thatno one tells you it's not always
warm, it's not always fuzzy AtPinterest worth feeling.

(01:01):
Sometimes it feels more likegravel in your shoes or
sandpaper in your soul.
We hear so much about gratitudeis the key to happiness and we
talked about last week positivevibes.
Only we forget somethingcrucial.
This is the thing we forgetGratitude is actually hard.
It actually asks you to saythank you, even when you don't
want to, even when you're hurt,even when that thank you comes

(01:22):
with a side of bitterness.
Have you ever had to thanksomeone for a lesson you really
didn't want to learn?
Yeah, it's not so cute, is it?
And here's the science behindwhy this happens.
When you're forced forced is aword forced into a situation
where you feel obliged to begrateful, like thanking a boss
who made you miserable fortoughening you up your brain
triggers a cognitive dissonanceresponse and that thinking part

(01:46):
of the brain, that prefrontalcortex, the part of the brain
responsible for rational thoughtand emotional regulation, it
goes to war with your emotionalbrain, the amygdala.
You're just screaming.
This is not okay, and studiesshow that when we express
gratitude under pressure, ourstress hormones actually
increase.
There's been a study from theUniversity of California,

(02:07):
berkeley, where it found thatgratitude felt out of obligation
.
When it is found out ofobligation or pressure, it can
actually lead to an increasedamount of anxiety, resentment
and emotional exhaustion.
And that's because your brainknows you're faking it, even if
you don't.
So let me say this reallyclearly on this episode you

(02:29):
don't have to be grateful foreverything.
You don't have to be gratefulfor every lesson, every hardship
, every jerk you cross your path.
Gratitude is not aboutpretending something was good
when it wasn't.
You don't have to thank thebully for building your
character.
You don't have to thank the exfor teaching you what you don't
want.
You don't have to thank thebully for building your
character.
You don't have to thank the exfor teaching you what you don't
want.
You don't have to thank thetoxic workplace for making you
stronger.

(02:49):
You can be grateful for whatyou learned without being
grateful for the lesson itself.
It's a big, big difference.
And if you've ever heardsomeone say to you you should
just be grateful.
You even have a job.
When you're drowning indeadlines and office politics,
you know exactly what I mean.
Gratitude isn't a moral highground.
It's not a contest to see whocan be the most positive in the
face of adversity.
It's not.

(03:14):
Oh, you're grateful for morningcoffee?
Well, I'm grateful for mycrippling student debt because
it taught me resilience.
No thanks, I'll stick to myflat white.
So how do we practice realgratitude, even when it's
uncomfortable?
So here's some ideas, here'ssome plans.
So I'll give you three of themtoday.
Number one separate the lessonfrom the experience.
You can't be grateful for thegrowth without being grateful
for the wound.
You know, I'm grateful.

(03:35):
I learned my worth, even if Ihad to learn it the hard way.
Number two just name it, nameit, name it, name it.
Name the ugly parts.
You can say I'm not thankfulfor the betrayal, but I'm
thankful for the strength itgave me.
I'm not grateful for theburnout, but I'm grateful I
learned where my boundaries are.
And number three allow formixed feelings.
Gratitude doesn't have to bepure.

(03:55):
It can be messy, complicatedand contradictory.
You can love someone and stillbe glad they're gone.
You can Now that's probably alot to come in, but here's
something you can do now.
You can write this down Again.
I'm going to suggest this fromyour perspective.
Write it down Three generalprompts, and this is them for
the week.
Number one say to yourselfwhat's one thing in my life I

(04:19):
feel pressured to be gratefulfor but honestly still feel
bitter or hurt about.
Write it down as you sitforward, actually name it.
Free yourself from the falsepositivity.
Just write down.
Number two say to yourselfwhat's a hard lesson I learned
and how can I express gratitudefor the growth without
pretending I'm grateful for thepain you know?
Write down what you want tohonor the growth without

(04:40):
sugarcoating the struggle.
Number three write down wherein your life.
You could practice gratitude andhold space for genuine messy
and human emotions, like maybeit's a situation, a person or a
time you're still processing.
Write them down, have aself-reflection, get them out of
your brain, get them out ofyour head and sometimes it
actually makes you feel better.
It's actually down on paper,okay, well, that's the episode

(05:03):
six.
And remember gratitude isn'tmoral high ground, it's actually
a practice A messy, sometimesuncomfortable, always real
practice.
And if someone ever tries toforce you into toxic gratitude,
just remember you don't oweanyone a thank you for a bad
time.
You don't All right.
And if this episode hit homefor you, make sure you share it

(05:23):
with someone who's tired ofpretending that maybe you know
everything is fine and, asalways, I'm grateful you're here
, mess and all.
I'm Gary Woodford, and this isGED Unspoken, where we keep it
real, raw and unapologeticallyhuman.
Catch you next week.
Legends.