December 18, 2023 • 17 mins
The "Identity Gap” is the gap between how you appear on the outside, and who you really are on the inside.
What we portray on the outside is not always in alignment with who we are in the inside, and the longer we portray a facade, the larger the "identity gap" gets.
In this episode, Tyler Simone discusses why closing the gap is so important, why facades are created, and addiction to negative emotions.
Subscribe to the podcast so that you never miss an upload! And follow Tyler for more inspiration, and a behind the scenes look at her life, living happily self-conscious.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hi, I'm Tyler Simone and this is the Happily Self-Conscious podcast, the show where it's
(00:06):
cool to be self-conscious.
As a personal development enthusiast, I love to learn how I can become better in all areas
of life and I want to share with you transformative tips and tricks to help you also become your
best self.
Together, we'll learn how we can become more self-conscious.
Let's do it.
(00:26):
Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to episode number 23.
I hope your day is going well so far.
(00:47):
Today's episode is all about what Dr. Jo Dispenza calls the gap or the identity gap.
I was first introduced to this concept in his book, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself,
which is all about losing your mind to create a new one or creating a new sense of self.
(01:08):
If you haven't had the chance to read it, I think you definitely should.
It's one of my absolute favorites.
The identity gap is the gap between how you appear on the outside and who you really are
on the inside.
There's this graphic in the book to illustrate the concept and it makes it a lot easier to
understand but I'll describe it so that you have a better idea.
(01:31):
So there's a picture of two hands, one above the other, palms facing one another with space
in between.
The top hand represents how we appear to the outside world, so who we want people to think
we are and the bottom represents who we really are, which is how we really feel and the goal
(01:55):
of life is for the gap between how you appear and how you really are to be as small as possible,
which makes perfect sense because the goal is always authenticity, right?
And I feel that a life without authenticity can't truly be a joyful life because living
in alignment with your inner self brings more peace and a life that you actually love.
(02:22):
According to Dr. Dispenza, we oftentimes live in this weird duality where we have two separate
identities because the way that we want to appear on the outside is not always aligned
with what's on the inside and it's a facade that we show the world for a variety of different
reasons, whether it's to follow trends or fit in somewhere where we feel we don't belong
(02:49):
or to please other people.
And the bigger the identity gap, the further away you are from being yourself.
One thing I find really interesting about this is that your gap becomes bigger, the more
negative emotions you hold on to from the past.
So the bigger the gap, the greater the addiction to the emotions that we memorize because you
(03:14):
have to uphold the image that you're portraying somehow.
And these emotions could be feelings of unworthiness, fear, shame, guilt, self-doubt, or all of
the above.
They all push you further and further away from your true self.
And all of our identity gaps are different.
(03:34):
Some people have smaller gaps and others have much larger gaps and it all has to do with
how much of your real self you allow to be truly seen.
Yoga is one of my all-time favorite things to do and a good yoga mat is so important.
If you are also a fellow yogi or enjoy mat workouts like Pilates, the Court Collective
(04:01):
is a brand you would love.
The Court Collective is a sustainable yoga luxury brand that puts a lot of love and care
into their products.
They have created beautiful yoga mats from materials like recycled cork and coffee grounds
that are not only aesthetically pleasing but are good for the environment because they
(04:21):
embrace nature's gifts.
Their products have antimicrobial properties that ensure a clean practice and can withstand
the test of time.
I am currently loving their Arizona Recycled Cork Yoga Mat with Superior Grip.
It is so soft, 100% vegan, easy to maintain, and can be used either wet or dry, which comes
(04:46):
in handy if you're a fan of hot yoga.
Click the link in the show notes to see all that they have to offer and enter my code
Tyler15 at checkout for 15% off of your purchase.
What's mind-blowing is that in order to keep up a facade, the self that you portray to
(05:09):
the world, you have to remember who you think you are and recreate the same experiences
in your life and those experiences are rarely positive or true.
They are constructed most times unconsciously.
When you are putting on a facade to uphold an image, you are relying on the external
(05:31):
world to validate that image instead of allowing who you really are to shine, which in my opinion
sounds so exhausting.
It becomes more about who you are portraying yourself to be in relation to the physical
things around you rather than your true self.
And sometimes people do this to protect who they are on the inside because they may feel
(05:56):
unsafe to express themselves either because of past experiences or because of how they
view the world and what's quote unquote acceptable.
It's all in an effort to protect those vulnerable parts, but at what cost?
When I think about this identity gap, it really makes me think about acceptance and forgiveness
(06:18):
because if you're holding on to anger or fear because of something that has happened in
your past, it's only when you acknowledge and accept that that did happen and forgive
either yourself and the other person that you can release that emotion and truly move
forward.
You can't possibly be all of who you are with those emotions just best during inside of
(06:44):
you.
An example he gives is quote a sense of inadequacy due to a parent's insistence on perfectionism
and achievement at all costs in quote or quote a sense of stifled entitlement from
having grown up in circumstances barely above poverty in quote when those types of emotions
(07:09):
are being hidden and you overcompensate by trying to portray someone you're not, your
gap is getting bigger and bigger the longer you do it.
And what's even scarier is that you can get caught up in this false image because at
some point you start to believe in the false identity and you're trying to keep up the
(07:32):
facade because you've shown it to so many people that you feel like you have to.
We've all been through things.
We've been pushed aside, unwelcome to critiqued about who we are, but we don't have to hold
on to those feelings of unworthiness or self doubt, fear, and it's everyone's individual
job to dig deep and get to the bottom of those things so that your true self is being portrayed.
(07:58):
We have to close our own gap, refusing to close your gap not only hurts you, but it
hurts those around you in an effort to maintain the false identity.
You will have to lie about who you are because you don't accept yourself and you therefore
can't accept anyone else.
So closing your gap and being who you truly are, it really isn't just about you, but it's
(08:24):
about everyone else around you as well.
You never want to use anything outside of yourself to define who you are.
It's all a distraction and in an effort to conceal the real you and to get to the core
of who you really are takes work and honesty, which is why it's scary for a lot of people.
(08:44):
But in my opinion, you're so much better off because if you are portraying someone that
you're not, that takes a lot of energy to uphold.
I am anxious just thinking about it because you can only pretend for so long until it
catches up to you because truly you're unfulfilled and maybe you feel empty.
(09:05):
At that point, the gap is way too large.
It's full of unresolved emotions, which leads you to seek more external things for temporary
gratification like houses, cars, money, status, people you don't truly align with, false
confidence and more unfortunately.
(09:25):
But the thing about this is that the more you try to portray a false self and bury
who you really are, the less you you feel outward satisfaction can only distract you
for so long before you start looking for more and more stuff to uphold the facade.
It explains the unhappiness that people feel despite having all of the external things.
(09:49):
Your gap is too big and the outer self is not in alignment with the inner self.
Self-awareness and interest in who you really are and what you really want is the key, isn't
it always?
You recognize the feelings you've been ignoring in how you can close the gap to be more authentic.
(10:09):
It shifts things for you and the people around you because the facade slowly disappears.
There is no more upholding just being that is one reason why relationships change.
The dynamics have shifted.
Emotions hold the strongest energy and create bonds.
(10:29):
But what happens when someone closes their gap and the same emotions are no longer being
shared between two people?
One person's gap is closing because of a shift in emotions and the bond is no longer the
same.
What I've noticed is that when one person is working on closing their gap, meaning they
(10:50):
are working on being more honest with themselves and portraying who they really are, and the
other person's gap is still fairly wide, things can get messy.
I guess this is what growing apart truly means.
Sometimes your gap validated the other person.
Your dishonesty to yourself helped to fuel the relationship.
(11:14):
It kept things the same, but when that gap starts to close, it's very apparent because
you can feel it.
It's the growth and your growth can be threatening to other people because you can feel the bond
weakening and relating to one another is not so easy.
The goal is to learn your lessons.
(11:35):
Let pain go and be who you truly are.
Close the gap.
There is so much proof out there that creating an identity from the outside never works.
It doesn't last.
It's not only painful, but it's exhausting.
External things don't help you internally at all, and they can actually make things
worse if they are being obtained to run away from negative or old emotions that you're
(12:01):
still holding on to.
You end up needing more and more and more to keep up the image, and you can become addicted
to that, which is terrifying.
Dr. Dyspinza calls it being possessed by our possessions.
Possessions that reinforce the ego, which depends on the external world for validation.
(12:22):
Instead of seeking clarity from the inside, you are looking for relief from your feelings
using the outer world to feel better for the moment.
One moment becomes another moment, and another moment, and another moment until you get still
and allow your whole self to be seen, accepted, and live from that place.
(12:48):
To have a large identity gap is to wear a mask, and that mask is hot, it's uncomfortable,
and it's expensive.
It definitely costs you, and you don't have to wait for the mask to slip off before it
is decided to work on shrinking your identity gap.
Meditation, journaling, self-acceptance, and self-observation in general really helps to
(13:14):
get to the bottom of your feelings and to get clear on who you are without the mask,
and life gets better when you live from your heart and don't depend on things or people
outside of yourself to shape who you are.
The key to closing the gap is to un-memorize old emotions because emotions become intertwined
(13:36):
into your being and the way you move in your day-to-day life.
We want to live according to who we are right now, and not according to what we've experienced
in the past or the emotions that those experiences caused.
When you free up the energy that it takes to uphold an image, you have even more energy
(13:57):
to choose how you move forward authentically.
And spiritually speaking, this is to be a creator because you are creating your reality.
You're no longer tied to the past, but are instead in the present and have an idea of
what you want your future to look like.
And that future is full of what your heart desires, not someone else's.
(14:20):
You want to be as transparent as possible, which is really only possible as your gap
closes.
The goal is to appear as you truly are entirely.
And when that happens, life gets a lot more fun because you are so much more aligned.
It takes a lot of courage to show up in the world as your true self, but the benefits
(14:43):
are enormous.
And the risk of not doing it is also enormous and just not worth it.
The courage to create stillness in order to acknowledge ourselves and release old baggage
is not always easy, but it will narrow our identity gap and that can change our life.
(15:06):
Today's quote is from Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, of course.
You have to come clean and reveal what you've been hiding in that shadow part of the gap.
You have to drag those things out into the bright light of day.
And when you really see what you've been doing to yourself, you have to look at that mess
and say, this is no longer serving my best interests.
(15:29):
This is no longer serving me.
This has never been loving to myself.
Then you can make a decision to be free.
Thank you so, so much for joining me here for this episode.
I hope you enjoyed it.
I just wanted to give a little reminder that being who you really are is so much more
fun.
If you are not a member of the Happily Self-Conscious Book Club, I am personally inviting you to
(15:54):
join us.
We are currently discussing Captivate by Vanessa Van Edwards, which is all about how to succeed
with people in various ways.
But I will be announcing our next book club pick very soon, which we'll start discussing
in the new year.
So click the link in the show notes to join so that you are in the loop.
(16:16):
You will receive messages from me there.
I hope you have a great rest of your day.
If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to click the follow button so you don't miss future
episodes.
And if you see another one on the list that you think looks interesting, take a listen
or just download it for later.
I'll see you next time.
Hi, I'm Tyler Simone and this is the Happily Self-Conscious podcast, the show where it's
(00:06):
cool to be self-conscious.
As a personal development enthusiast, I love to learn how I can become better in all areas
of life and I want to share with you transformative tips and tricks to help you also become your
best self.
Together, we'll learn how we can become more self-conscious.
Let's do it.
(00:26):
Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to episode number 23.
I hope your day is going well so far.
(00:47):
Today's episode is all about what Dr. Jo Dispenza calls the gap or the identity gap.
I was first introduced to this concept in his book, Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself,
which is all about losing your mind to create a new one or creating a new sense of self.
(01:08):
If you haven't had the chance to read it, I think you definitely should.
It's one of my absolute favorites.
The identity gap is the gap between how you appear on the outside and who you really are
on the inside.
There's this graphic in the book to illustrate the concept and it makes it a lot easier to
understand but I'll describe it so that you have a better idea.
(01:31):
So there's a picture of two hands, one above the other, palms facing one another with space
in between.
The top hand represents how we appear to the outside world, so who we want people to think
we are and the bottom represents who we really are, which is how we really feel and the goal
(01:55):
of life is for the gap between how you appear and how you really are to be as small as possible,
which makes perfect sense because the goal is always authenticity, right?
And I feel that a life without authenticity can't truly be a joyful life because living
in alignment with your inner self brings more peace and a life that you actually love.
(02:22):
According to Dr. Dispenza, we oftentimes live in this weird duality where we have two separate
identities because the way that we want to appear on the outside is not always aligned
with what's on the inside and it's a facade that we show the world for a variety of different
reasons, whether it's to follow trends or fit in somewhere where we feel we don't belong
(02:49):
or to please other people.
And the bigger the identity gap, the further away you are from being yourself.
One thing I find really interesting about this is that your gap becomes bigger, the more
negative emotions you hold on to from the past.
So the bigger the gap, the greater the addiction to the emotions that we memorize because you
(03:14):
have to uphold the image that you're portraying somehow.
And these emotions could be feelings of unworthiness, fear, shame, guilt, self-doubt, or all of
the above.
They all push you further and further away from your true self.
And all of our identity gaps are different.
(03:34):
Some people have smaller gaps and others have much larger gaps and it all has to do with
how much of your real self you allow to be truly seen.
Yoga is one of my all-time favorite things to do and a good yoga mat is so important.
If you are also a fellow yogi or enjoy mat workouts like Pilates, the Court Collective
(04:01):
is a brand you would love.
The Court Collective is a sustainable yoga luxury brand that puts a lot of love and care
into their products.
They have created beautiful yoga mats from materials like recycled cork and coffee grounds
that are not only aesthetically pleasing but are good for the environment because they
(04:21):
embrace nature's gifts.
Their products have antimicrobial properties that ensure a clean practice and can withstand
the test of time.
I am currently loving their Arizona Recycled Cork Yoga Mat with Superior Grip.
It is so soft, 100% vegan, easy to maintain, and can be used either wet or dry, which comes
(04:46):
in handy if you're a fan of hot yoga.
Click the link in the show notes to see all that they have to offer and enter my code
Tyler15 at checkout for 15% off of your purchase.
What's mind-blowing is that in order to keep up a facade, the self that you portray to
(05:09):
the world, you have to remember who you think you are and recreate the same experiences
in your life and those experiences are rarely positive or true.
They are constructed most times unconsciously.
When you are putting on a facade to uphold an image, you are relying on the external
(05:31):
world to validate that image instead of allowing who you really are to shine, which in my opinion
sounds so exhausting.
It becomes more about who you are portraying yourself to be in relation to the physical
things around you rather than your true self.
And sometimes people do this to protect who they are on the inside because they may feel
(05:56):
unsafe to express themselves either because of past experiences or because of how they
view the world and what's quote unquote acceptable.
It's all in an effort to protect those vulnerable parts, but at what cost?
When I think about this identity gap, it really makes me think about acceptance and forgiveness
(06:18):
because if you're holding on to anger or fear because of something that has happened in
your past, it's only when you acknowledge and accept that that did happen and forgive
either yourself and the other person that you can release that emotion and truly move
forward.
You can't possibly be all of who you are with those emotions just best during inside of
(06:44):
you.
An example he gives is quote a sense of inadequacy due to a parent's insistence on perfectionism
and achievement at all costs in quote or quote a sense of stifled entitlement from
having grown up in circumstances barely above poverty in quote when those types of emotions
(07:09):
are being hidden and you overcompensate by trying to portray someone you're not, your
gap is getting bigger and bigger the longer you do it.
And what's even scarier is that you can get caught up in this false image because at
some point you start to believe in the false identity and you're trying to keep up the
(07:32):
facade because you've shown it to so many people that you feel like you have to.
We've all been through things.
We've been pushed aside, unwelcome to critiqued about who we are, but we don't have to hold
on to those feelings of unworthiness or self doubt, fear, and it's everyone's individual
job to dig deep and get to the bottom of those things so that your true self is being portrayed.
(07:58):
We have to close our own gap, refusing to close your gap not only hurts you, but it
hurts those around you in an effort to maintain the false identity.
You will have to lie about who you are because you don't accept yourself and you therefore
can't accept anyone else.
So closing your gap and being who you truly are, it really isn't just about you, but it's
(08:24):
about everyone else around you as well.
You never want to use anything outside of yourself to define who you are.
It's all a distraction and in an effort to conceal the real you and to get to the core
of who you really are takes work and honesty, which is why it's scary for a lot of people.
(08:44):
But in my opinion, you're so much better off because if you are portraying someone that
you're not, that takes a lot of energy to uphold.
I am anxious just thinking about it because you can only pretend for so long until it
catches up to you because truly you're unfulfilled and maybe you feel empty.
(09:05):
At that point, the gap is way too large.
It's full of unresolved emotions, which leads you to seek more external things for temporary
gratification like houses, cars, money, status, people you don't truly align with, false
confidence and more unfortunately.
(09:25):
But the thing about this is that the more you try to portray a false self and bury
who you really are, the less you you feel outward satisfaction can only distract you
for so long before you start looking for more and more stuff to uphold the facade.
It explains the unhappiness that people feel despite having all of the external things.
(09:49):
Your gap is too big and the outer self is not in alignment with the inner self.
Self-awareness and interest in who you really are and what you really want is the key, isn't
it always?
You recognize the feelings you've been ignoring in how you can close the gap to be more authentic.
(10:09):
It shifts things for you and the people around you because the facade slowly disappears.
There is no more upholding just being that is one reason why relationships change.
The dynamics have shifted.
Emotions hold the strongest energy and create bonds.
(10:29):
But what happens when someone closes their gap and the same emotions are no longer being
shared between two people?
One person's gap is closing because of a shift in emotions and the bond is no longer the
same.
What I've noticed is that when one person is working on closing their gap, meaning they
(10:50):
are working on being more honest with themselves and portraying who they really are, and the
other person's gap is still fairly wide, things can get messy.
I guess this is what growing apart truly means.
Sometimes your gap validated the other person.
Your dishonesty to yourself helped to fuel the relationship.
(11:14):
It kept things the same, but when that gap starts to close, it's very apparent because
you can feel it.
It's the growth and your growth can be threatening to other people because you can feel the bond
weakening and relating to one another is not so easy.
The goal is to learn your lessons.
(11:35):
Let pain go and be who you truly are.
Close the gap.
There is so much proof out there that creating an identity from the outside never works.
It doesn't last.
It's not only painful, but it's exhausting.
External things don't help you internally at all, and they can actually make things
worse if they are being obtained to run away from negative or old emotions that you're
(12:01):
still holding on to.
You end up needing more and more and more to keep up the image, and you can become addicted
to that, which is terrifying.
Dr. Dyspinza calls it being possessed by our possessions.
Possessions that reinforce the ego, which depends on the external world for validation.
(12:22):
Instead of seeking clarity from the inside, you are looking for relief from your feelings
using the outer world to feel better for the moment.
One moment becomes another moment, and another moment, and another moment until you get still
and allow your whole self to be seen, accepted, and live from that place.
(12:48):
To have a large identity gap is to wear a mask, and that mask is hot, it's uncomfortable,
and it's expensive.
It definitely costs you, and you don't have to wait for the mask to slip off before it
is decided to work on shrinking your identity gap.
Meditation, journaling, self-acceptance, and self-observation in general really helps to
(13:14):
get to the bottom of your feelings and to get clear on who you are without the mask,
and life gets better when you live from your heart and don't depend on things or people
outside of yourself to shape who you are.
The key to closing the gap is to un-memorize old emotions because emotions become intertwined
(13:36):
into your being and the way you move in your day-to-day life.
We want to live according to who we are right now, and not according to what we've experienced
in the past or the emotions that those experiences caused.
When you free up the energy that it takes to uphold an image, you have even more energy
(13:57):
to choose how you move forward authentically.
And spiritually speaking, this is to be a creator because you are creating your reality.
You're no longer tied to the past, but are instead in the present and have an idea of
what you want your future to look like.
And that future is full of what your heart desires, not someone else's.
(14:20):
You want to be as transparent as possible, which is really only possible as your gap
closes.
The goal is to appear as you truly are entirely.
And when that happens, life gets a lot more fun because you are so much more aligned.
It takes a lot of courage to show up in the world as your true self, but the benefits
(14:43):
are enormous.
And the risk of not doing it is also enormous and just not worth it.
The courage to create stillness in order to acknowledge ourselves and release old baggage
is not always easy, but it will narrow our identity gap and that can change our life.
(15:06):
Today's quote is from Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, of course.
You have to come clean and reveal what you've been hiding in that shadow part of the gap.
You have to drag those things out into the bright light of day.
And when you really see what you've been doing to yourself, you have to look at that mess
and say, this is no longer serving my best interests.
(15:29):
This is no longer serving me.
This has never been loving to myself.
Then you can make a decision to be free.
Thank you so, so much for joining me here for this episode.
I hope you enjoyed it.
I just wanted to give a little reminder that being who you really are is so much more
fun.
If you are not a member of the Happily Self-Conscious Book Club, I am personally inviting you to
(15:54):
join us.
We are currently discussing Captivate by Vanessa Van Edwards, which is all about how to succeed
with people in various ways.
But I will be announcing our next book club pick very soon, which we'll start discussing
in the new year.
So click the link in the show notes to join so that you are in the loop.
(16:16):
You will receive messages from me there.
I hope you have a great rest of your day.
If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to click the follow button so you don't miss future
episodes.
And if you see another one on the list that you think looks interesting, take a listen
or just download it for later.
I'll see you next time.
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