December 7, 2024 • 27 mins
Are you a people-pleaser who dreads the overwhelm of the holiday season? In this episode, we explore how you can set boundaries, practice acceptance, and reconnect with your feelings to reduce stress and find more joy. The holidays don’t have to drain you—they can be a time of peace and connection when you prioritize what truly matters.
Listen to hear how to:
>> Create essential holiday boundaries.
>> Say no without guilt.
>> Inspire others to care for themselves.
>> Replace over-commitment with simple, restorative actions.
Feel Your Feelings:
>> Grief, sadness, or anxiety often resurface during the holidays.
>> Create space to process these emotions and heal.
Start Your Day Intentionally:
>> Use a 5-minute meditation or journaling practice to set a peaceful tone for your day.
>> Shift your mindset to focus on calm and abundance instead of chaos.
Resources Mentioned:
- Stepping Off the Chaos Roller Coaster: Free online coaching series with an anxiety relief meditation. Click Here To Start Now
- The Little Frog’s Guide to Self-Care by Mabel Eequay. Link to Book
Upcoming Events:
- Movement & Meditation at the Garden
Date: Saturday, January 4th
Time: 9:00–10:00 AM
Location: The Garden Restaurant, 1500 First St., Napa, CA
Details: Join me and personal trainer Laisha Ames for a morning of movement and mindfulness.
Visit Mrs-Hard.com To Sign Up. Click Here
- Empower Her: Branding Workshop
Date: Sunday, January 12th
Time: 3:00–5:00 PM
Location: 828 School Street, Napa, CA
Details: A workshop for female entrepreneurs on branding and overcoming fears of being seen.
Visit Mrs-Hard.com To Sign Up. Click Here
Connect with Me:
- Schedule a free 30-minute stress relief coaching session: Click Here to Book Session
Remember, the holidays can be joyful and fulfilling when you take small, intentional steps to care for yourself. Listen to the full episode for practical tips and affirmations to help you through the season.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome Hard, aka Mrs Hard, and
this is Hard Times no More, apodcast for people who are tired
of struggling with boundaries,people-pleasing and relationship
problems.
I have overcome some hard times.
Within three years, I stoppeddrinking, my mom died of cancer
and my house burnt down in aCalifornia wildfire, and those
(00:22):
are just the highlights.
I have a lot of reasons to bemiserable, but I'm not.
The truth is, life was morechallenging before these events
happened.
If you are tired of waiting foryour circumstances to change to
find happiness and peace ofmind, you are in the right place
.
Join me as I share the tools Iuse in love to transform
(00:43):
challenges into assets andinterview others about their
relationship journeys.
Together, let's learn how tohave a happy life full of
healthy, meaningfulrelationships, and say goodbye
to hard times for good.
Hey there, welcome to the HardTimes no More Relationship
(01:03):
Podcast.
I'm Alessandra Tolome Hard, akaMrs Hard, your host.
Today we're going to talk aboutmanaging stress during the
holiday season, because ifyou're a people pleaser, you
already go above and beyond tomeet others' needs, to help them
, to support them, and theholiday season can add another
(01:26):
layer of pressure to show up forothers, regardless of how
you're feeling, and continuingto do that when you are feeling
drained, anxious and overwhelmedcan lead to burnout after the
holiday season, if you look backat previous years and you see
(01:47):
that Thanksgiving to New Year'sEve was a blur and that you
needed at least a week torecover after the holiday season
was over.
My friend, you do not have tohave that experience again.
It can really put a damper onthe holiday season and it can
make you feel torn in twodifferent directions, like you
(02:07):
should be feeling joyful, merryand bright, but your insides are
screaming for you to go take anap, close the door and hide
from the holiday hustle andbustle.
So if you're feeling this way,know that you're not alone and
this year can be an opportunityfor you to change your
relationship with the holidayseason.
(02:28):
I also want to acknowledge thatthe holidays can highlight who
is not around and bring up a lotof grief, because if your
parent has passed away recently,or maybe they passed away close
to the holidays, their absencemay be stronger during this time
of the year, and that issomething that's completely
(02:49):
normal.
I've talked about grief a lot onthis podcast and, as you know,
it doesn't show up at theopportune time it shows up.
When it does.
And when it does show up, it'scalling you to look deeper
within.
But, as a people pleaser,sometimes we use people, places
and things to check out of ourfeelings.
(03:11):
It's not an intentional thing.
It's a type of coping mechanismLike, ooh, I don't want to look
at that right now becausethat's too uncomfortable, so I'm
just going to go focus on thisother person and try to help,
support or fix them, instead oflooking at my own feelings and
big feelings can be scary yourmind may be telling you that if
(03:33):
you pause and sit with thosefeelings, that you might get
stuck there forever.
You may feel that feelings ofgrief are really inconvenient
because you want to be cheerfuland merry and you tell yourself
that if you ignore it it'll goaway.
And so these big feelings cancause you to avoid social
(03:54):
situations, resist going togatherings and make you feel
more overwhelmed, where yourmind will tell you that it's
really just your to-do list andthe holidays that are making you
feel more overwhelmed.
But it's really that avoidanceof that internal feeling.
And when these feelings show up, there is work to be done.
And if you have a relationshipwith a higher power or the
(04:16):
universe, know that thesefeelings are showing up at the
right time, meaning that they'recalling you to go within and
seek healing, because when yourevisit these feelings and sit
with them and process them,you're able to feel more right
with yourself, which allows youto show up the way you want to
in the world.
So let's talk about some tipsfor managing holiday overwhelm
(04:38):
and expectations.
This is a great time to setboundaries.
This is a great time to setboundaries.
Give yourself permission to sayno without a lot of explanation
or guilt.
When you get stuck in a cycleof over committing and
overextending yourself, you'rereally not helping anyone.
And if you're already feelingdepleted and being called to do
(05:07):
something, that is even moredepleting.
That is going to set you up forburnout.
And this is a great time topractice healthy detachment,
reminding yourself that you arenot responsible for other
people's feelings.
You are only responsible foryourself If you're not feeling
(05:29):
it that day, not having theenergy to do a big thing or meet
up or be around a bunch ofpeople.
There are going to be so manymore opportunities in your life
to spend one-on-one time withsomeone you love, and you're not
the only one that feelsoverstretched and fatigued
during the season.
It's a very common feeling andyou don't know how the universe,
or your higher power, isplaying this out in your life,
(05:52):
in the sense that you may say noto something and that may
inspire somebody else to setboundaries for themselves,
because they're going to havecompassion for you, see that
you're taking care of yourself,and then they may receive
permission in some energetic way, to do the same thing for
themselves.
If your mind starts telling youthat there's no option, that
(06:15):
you can't do that, don't listento it.
Instead, check in with your ownenergy and try to assess what
you need in that moment.
Give yourself permission toread a murder mystery, to do a
puzzle, to get a massage or achiropractic adjustment, to do
something that's going to fillyour cup, because if you say yes
(06:37):
to something and you'redepleted, it's going to set you
up to say yes to more thingswhen you should be saying no,
and that's going to lead toburnout, where, if you say no to
one thing and instead replaceit with an act of self-care,
that's going to create themomentum where you're not going
to have to say no to the nextthing, or maybe you'll have to
(06:58):
say no to one more thing andyou'll replace that thing with
some more self-care, but thenyou'll be able to say yes to
five more things and when youshow up to those events, you'll
be able to be present with thepeople that you love and you'll
create a healthier dynamic withthe holiday season, instead of
perpetuating this marathon race,overextending yourself, making
(07:21):
you dread the holiday season thefollowing year.
So if you have a friend callingyou to do something and you
don't have the energy for it,feel free to use scripts like
thank you so much for thinkingof me, but I'm not available at
this time and I would love tospend some time with you in a
couple of weeks or a couple ofdays or when I have more energy.
(07:43):
Also, remember that no is acomplete sentence and you don't
have to give a long explanationfor why you are saying no, and
that you are not responsible forother people's feelings.
You are only responsible foryour own feelings, and when you
take care of yourself, it's notselfish.
You're setting an example andyou're creating more sustainable
(08:05):
energy for yourself and moresustainable connections and
deeper connections when you dospend time with the people that
you love, and then this leads topracticing acceptance.
Acceptance is the answer to somany problems.
But acceptance is hard to makefriends with and make peace with
, because acceptance doesn'thappen immediately when you're
(08:30):
feeling uncomfortable.
Usually you will have to do alittle bit of processing or
sitting with your feelings andbeing honest with yourself to
reach that place of acceptance.
So allow yourself to feel griefif that's what's coming up for
you, for you to feel sadness ifthat's the feeling that's coming
up.
To allow yourself to restwithout judgment.
(08:52):
Remind yourself that it's okayto feel whatever's coming up for
you during the holiday season.
Do your best to releaseunrealistic expectations of
yourself and others, becausethose expectations lead to
resentment and resentment drainsyour energy when, if you're
(09:13):
able to find a place ofacceptance after processing
those feelings, becoming rightwith yourself, then you start to
run on a different energy.
Maybe it's acceptance, maybeit's peace, maybe it's love, but
those are very sustainableenergies to run on.
Try your best to accept thatthe holidays may not look
(09:33):
perfect, and that's okay.
If you think back to previousholidays, they've probably never
been perfect either.
And if you look at your bestfriend's holiday season, their
(09:55):
holiday season probably isn'tperfect as well.
So if your mind is telling youthat you really need to set
these high expectations, to doit all to make things perfect.
See how that's a lie the ideaof perfection with progress and
allowing things to look a littlemessy, because life is messy.
And that denial creates a splitin your energy, where your soul
is feeling one thing and thenyour mind is wanting you to do
(10:16):
something else, and that's verydraining.
So finding acceptance is thekey to preserving your energy
and when you have that realacceptance, you can focus on
what truly matters Connection,peace and taking care of
(10:37):
yourself.
During this time, I highlyrecommend that you dive into
your morning routine.
Maybe you already have amorning routine including
meditation and writing.
Maybe it's fallen to thewayside because life has been
really hectic.
This is a perfect opportunityfor you to revamp your morning
(11:01):
routine.
So during this time, commit toa five minute morning meditation
.
You can access a free anxietyrelief meditation through my
free online coaching seriescalled Stepping Off the Chaos
Roller Coaster.
You can find a link to that inthe show notes.
Or you can simply just set atimer and listen to the fan in
(11:24):
your house, or listen to thecars going by, or just allow
your mind to find a little bitof peace.
Taking just five minutes foryourself first thing in the
morning, creating that peacefulconnection with yourself, will
set you up for a much morepeaceful day.
(11:45):
I've talked about this before,but there's the RAS system the
Recticular Analytical System,which is constantly scanning
your environment to helpvalidate whatever feelings
you're having.
And so if you start your daystressed out, your RAS system is
going to look for more thingsto be hypervigilant about and to
(12:05):
be on guard about, becauseyou're subconsciously telling
your system that there's a lotof threats in your environment.
So you really need to watch out.
But when you start your daywith five minutes of meditation,
you're shifting that system tolook for peace, to look for
space, to look for calmingthings, and so that's going to
perpetuate a feeling of peacerather than a feeling of anxiety
(12:28):
.
That five minutes is crucial,especially when you're busy.
If your mind tells you youdon't really have time for this,
don't listen to it because it'snot true, and if you don't make
this time, your day will runaway without your ability to be
intentional.
I highly recommend taking fiveminutes to journal.
(12:50):
I've had many clients who havenever journaled before.
Start journaling and it can bea game changer.
Don't knock it till you try itand try it for an extended
period of time, like a full week.
Just commit to seven days ofjournaling for five minutes in
the morning.
You can set a timer, start witha gratitude list listing five
(13:15):
things you're grateful for.
That will also enhance your RASsystem to look for things that
you're grateful for in your life, making you feel more abundant,
secure and stable.
Or you can write about howeveryou're feeling.
If you're feeling anxious,inquire as to why you have that
(13:35):
feeling and if it's true, andsee if you can pull back layers
of that onion and get to more ofthe root cause, what's really
coming up.
And I'm going to give you alittle tip, a little secret here
that usually the externalthings that your mind is
concerned about are not the rootissue.
The root issue usually has todo with self-worth, security,
(14:01):
belonging, trust and believingthat you will be cared for and
provided for.
Those are usually the rootissues behind your stress and
anxiety.
But your mind will tell youit's my to-do list, it's my lack
of funds, it's my lack of time,it's my partner.
They're not acting right.
(14:21):
If they would just be nicer tome and thank me for all the
amazing things I do for them.
Then I would feel so muchbetter.
But if that's not really thecause, then you could have that
happen.
Your partner could be sograteful for you and your mind
would just jump to somethingelse.
That would then become theproblem.
So in times of stress, even whenyou feel a lack of time, it is
(14:46):
important to take intentionaltime to meditate, which is
really just quieting yourself,quieting your mind, becoming
intentional at the beginning ofyour day, connecting with
yourself before you go out intothe world, and taking time to
journal, which is a form ofprocessing, so that you can sit
with these emotions, these bigfeelings that are coming up for
(15:07):
you, that are splitting you intwo different ways, and so that
you can create more harmonywithin and then arrive at more
acceptance, because you'veprocessed it instead of ignoring
it.
And the more you live inacceptance, the more that
becomes the status quo and whereyour body and your mind feel
happy, so it's easier to staythere.
You have less tolerance forstress and anxiety.
(15:29):
And then yesterday I waslooking at this book, the Little
Frog's Guide to Self-Care, byMaybel Ikwe.
A good friend of mine got methis book last year, and the
first page I flipped open to istitled 10 affirmations to remind
you of the magic that you hold.
I thought this would be anexcellent reminder for you
(15:53):
during this podcast today.
So if you are building a healthyrelationship with yourself and
working on adjusting yourself-talk, affirmations are a
great place to start.
So if one of these affirmationscalls to you, I want you to
write it down or just make amental note, and when you're
feeling depleted or like you'rerunning on empty, I want you to
(16:14):
say the affirmation to yourself.
And the great thing is you canpause, rewind and start
listening to the affirmationsfrom the beginning, or you can
just continue listening, seewhich one you like and then
earmark it and use it whenyou're feeling depleted.
The first affirmation is it'sso brave of me to exist.
(16:37):
And then there's a cute littlefrog with boots on and a hat
that's like a mushroom hat.
I highly recommend getting thisbook because the illustrations
I cannot convey how cute theyare and how they just light up
your soul.
The second affirmation is I'mgoing to be nicer to myself.
(16:57):
The third affirmation is I amas worthy of my dreams as anyone
else.
The fourth affirmation is mybody works so hard for me.
I love that because, if you arelike me, you may take your body
for granted, but your body ismiraculous and constantly
(17:20):
creating homeostasis in yourlife.
You have so many cells withinyour body that are working to
heal you and to keep you feelingyour best.
Your body is your best friendand on your side, and if you
don't feel that way about yourbody right now, that's totally
(17:40):
understandable.
But if you're feeling low, mybody works so hard for me is a
great affirmation to say toyourself and to see if you're
feeling low, my body works sohard for me is a great
affirmation to say to yourselfand to see if you can move that
from just words to being in yourheart space or being in your
belly or being wherever you mayfeel some insecurity or some
(18:02):
resistance in your body.
The fifth affirmation is magicalways reveals itself when I'm
willing to see it, and what Ilove about that is that this
acceptance we're talking aboutthis being present in the moment
is the space when you're mostlikely going to be able to see
(18:23):
it, and then you bring the RASsystem on board and not only are
you being able to see the magicin your life.
You're creating more of itbecause that's what you're
tuning yourself into, acceptingand paying attention to.
The sixth affirmation is I amworthy of safe and healthy
relationships.
That is so big and that speaksto giving yourself permission to
(18:49):
maintain healthy boundaries andtake care of yourself, because
when you do that work internallywith yourself your
relationships follow, and soit's not about trading out the
people in your life.
Sometimes it is, but not always.
It's about working on yourself,and then that attracts the safe
and healthy relationships.
(19:10):
And the seventh affirmation isI am allowed to feel the
emotions that are moving throughme and I am allowed to let go
of them when I am ready, whenthinking about processing grief.
(19:31):
About processing grief, maybeyou just need permission to feel
it.
Maybe you just need permissionto not be okay, to let things be
messy, to let things go, and totrust the universe, your higher
power, god, whatever youbelieve in, to be there with you
while you experience thesefeelings, while you allow them
to wash over you.
You are allowed to let go ofthem when you are ready, not
(19:54):
when it's convenient for someoneelse, and the same thing could
be said for stress or anxiety orfatigue.
You can allow yourself to feelthese feelings, to take a pause,
to take a step back, to rest,to do something frivolous, and
then, when you are ready, youcan let them go.
(20:15):
And then affirmation numberseven is I will be gentle with
myself.
Give yourself permission totreat yourself like you would
your own best friend.
Affirmation number eight mytrauma doesn't make me any less
lovable.
There's not a single human thatwalks on this earth that hasn't
(20:37):
experienced hardship, andthough your mind may tell you
that yours is worse than anyoneelse's, know that the things
that have happened to you andthat you've experienced.
Know that the things that havehappened to you and that you've
experienced do not take awayfrom who you are, but instead
add to who you are, helping youto be more empathetic and caring
(21:01):
, loving and able to hold spacefor others.
When we work with our trauma,when we process it, when we do
our best to make friends with itor accept it on some level, it
can be an amazing gift, anamazing lesson, and if you're in
the middle of trauma right now,hearing that it's a gift is the
last thing you want to hear.
You're like, yeah right, youknow, or please take this gift
(21:31):
back, but trust me, over time itcan serve you, especially when
you're willing to sit with itand process it, with somebody
who can help you navigate it.
Doing it alone can be trickyit's not impossible, but from
experience I highly recommendasking someone else for help to
support you through it, andultimately that transformation
can make you feel more lovablebecause of the experiences
you've had.
(21:51):
And then, affirmation number 10,I am going to treat myself the
way I would treat my best friend.
That's so perfect because it'stotally tying into this theme
that we're talking about beingkinder to ourselves, treating
yourself like you would your ownbest friend.
And so those affirmations weretaken from the Little Frog's
(22:14):
Guide to Self Care by MabelEquay, and I'll put a link to
that in the show notes too, ifit resonates with you.
The illustrations, like I said,are beyond cute and they will
make you laugh.
So once again, I want to remindyou that you're not alone, and
if you're feeling uncomfortable,the universe may be calling you
(22:35):
to go within, maybe not for theentire holiday season, but for
a couple hours or a day or acouple of days, to take care of
yourself.
Put your oxygen mask on firstbefore exerting yourself,
overcommitting and perpetuatingcycles of burnout.
(22:55):
If this podcast resonated withyou and you can think of someone
else that is going through ahard time and has a challenging
relationship with the holidays,pass this podcast along to them.
It's a non-codependent way toshare some helpful tools.
You can give it to them andthen detach with love.
You know, just be like.
I put it out there and they cando with it what they want.
(23:16):
And I want to encourage you totake one small action from what
you heard today to incorporateinto your life, whether that's
the morning routine, positiveaffirmations, giving yourself
permission to say no.
Take a small action that youheard today and commit to
(23:37):
bringing it into your life,starting right now, because you
don't have to do it all.
Sometimes it just takes onething that starts to snowball
into many positive things thatcreate more peace and stability
in your life.
And I have a few ways that wecan connect in person.
(23:58):
The first is one-on-one stressrelief coaching.
I offer a free 30-minutesession so that we can get to
know each other and start tounpack your unique situation
Because, like I said, navigatingthrough big feelings around
grief, stress and anxiety can beoverwhelming on your own, but
when you have somebody to keepyou accountable to offer tools
(24:20):
and resources that can help younavigate these feelings, that
you trust and that you knowwho's been through it before.
It can make a really big impactin your healing process.
And I can show you the toolsthat have worked for me and
countless others to help younavigate your unique
circumstances so that you canfeel more peace, lighter and
(24:44):
more fulfillment.
You can find a link to set upyour free 30-minute one-on-one
stress relief coaching sessionin the show notes or at
mrs-hardcom.
And on Saturday, january 4th,personal trainer Leisha Ames and
I are hosting movement andmeditation at the garden from
(25:06):
9am to 10am.
Registration will open abouttwo weeks before, so, depending
on when you're listening to thisepisode, you can check my
website, mrs-hardcom, toregister.
And then on Sunday, january12th, lisa Fonville and I are
hosting Empower Her from 3 to 5pm.
(25:28):
This is a business workshop forfemale entrepreneurs or people
who are looking to go intobusiness to learn about branding
.
Every Empower Her session has afocus, so this one's going to
be focused on branding and thehidden emotions behind putting
(25:49):
yourself out there, because alot of people who are
entrepreneurs or wanting tostart their own business have a
lot of fear around branding.
A lot of emotions can come uparound putting yourself out
there and being seen and feelingworthy worthy that you have
(26:09):
what other people want and thatit's okay to talk about it and
it's okay to advertise it,because advertising is really
about putting the message outthere, the little beacon of
light like hey, I have thisthing, if this is right for you,
come find me.
It doesn't have to be a sleazysales kind of thing or like
(26:29):
you're forcing people to buy oruse a service that you provide
that they don't really want.
Really great branding is justshowing people what you have to
offer, so that they can see youin the sea of many other people
and that you're able to reallyexpress what is unique about
your gift, and so that you canattract your dream clients and
(26:52):
attract people who really wantto work with you.
And when they're excited towork with you, you're excited to
work with them, and then workbecomes fun.
And so Lisa Fonville will behosting the branding part of it
and I will be talking about thedeeper aspects behind why it's
hard to show up and theworthiness pieces that are
(27:13):
holding you back from connectingwith the people you really want
to help.
So, again, that's January 12th,that's a Sunday from 3 to 5 pm,
and that will be at my office,828 School Street in Napa,
california.
Registration for Empower Herwill be found at my website at
mrs-hardcom.
All right, that's all I've gotfor you today.
(27:36):
Thanks so much for hanging withme and I look forward to
talking to you soon.
Until next time, take care.
Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome Hard, aka Mrs Hard, and
this is Hard Times no More, apodcast for people who are tired
of struggling with boundaries,people-pleasing and relationship
problems.
I have overcome some hard times.
Within three years, I stoppeddrinking, my mom died of cancer
and my house burnt down in aCalifornia wildfire, and those
(00:22):
are just the highlights.
I have a lot of reasons to bemiserable, but I'm not.
The truth is, life was morechallenging before these events
happened.
If you are tired of waiting foryour circumstances to change to
find happiness and peace ofmind, you are in the right place
.
Join me as I share the tools Iuse in love to transform
(00:43):
challenges into assets andinterview others about their
relationship journeys.
Together, let's learn how tohave a happy life full of
healthy, meaningfulrelationships, and say goodbye
to hard times for good.
Hey there, welcome to the HardTimes no More Relationship
(01:03):
Podcast.
I'm Alessandra Tolome Hard, akaMrs Hard, your host.
Today we're going to talk aboutmanaging stress during the
holiday season, because ifyou're a people pleaser, you
already go above and beyond tomeet others' needs, to help them
, to support them, and theholiday season can add another
(01:26):
layer of pressure to show up forothers, regardless of how
you're feeling, and continuingto do that when you are feeling
drained, anxious and overwhelmedcan lead to burnout after the
holiday season, if you look backat previous years and you see
(01:47):
that Thanksgiving to New Year'sEve was a blur and that you
needed at least a week torecover after the holiday season
was over.
My friend, you do not have tohave that experience again.
It can really put a damper onthe holiday season and it can
make you feel torn in twodifferent directions, like you
(02:07):
should be feeling joyful, merryand bright, but your insides are
screaming for you to go take anap, close the door and hide
from the holiday hustle andbustle.
So if you're feeling this way,know that you're not alone and
this year can be an opportunityfor you to change your
relationship with the holidayseason.
(02:28):
I also want to acknowledge thatthe holidays can highlight who
is not around and bring up a lotof grief, because if your
parent has passed away recently,or maybe they passed away close
to the holidays, their absencemay be stronger during this time
of the year, and that issomething that's completely
(02:49):
normal.
I've talked about grief a lot onthis podcast and, as you know,
it doesn't show up at theopportune time it shows up.
When it does.
And when it does show up, it'scalling you to look deeper
within.
But, as a people pleaser,sometimes we use people, places
and things to check out of ourfeelings.
(03:11):
It's not an intentional thing.
It's a type of coping mechanismLike, ooh, I don't want to look
at that right now becausethat's too uncomfortable, so I'm
just going to go focus on thisother person and try to help,
support or fix them, instead oflooking at my own feelings and
big feelings can be scary yourmind may be telling you that if
(03:33):
you pause and sit with thosefeelings, that you might get
stuck there forever.
You may feel that feelings ofgrief are really inconvenient
because you want to be cheerfuland merry and you tell yourself
that if you ignore it it'll goaway.
And so these big feelings cancause you to avoid social
(03:54):
situations, resist going togatherings and make you feel
more overwhelmed, where yourmind will tell you that it's
really just your to-do list andthe holidays that are making you
feel more overwhelmed.
But it's really that avoidanceof that internal feeling.
And when these feelings show up, there is work to be done.
And if you have a relationshipwith a higher power or the
(04:16):
universe, know that thesefeelings are showing up at the
right time, meaning that they'recalling you to go within and
seek healing, because when yourevisit these feelings and sit
with them and process them,you're able to feel more right
with yourself, which allows youto show up the way you want to
in the world.
So let's talk about some tipsfor managing holiday overwhelm
(04:38):
and expectations.
This is a great time to setboundaries.
This is a great time to setboundaries.
Give yourself permission to sayno without a lot of explanation
or guilt.
When you get stuck in a cycleof over committing and
overextending yourself, you'rereally not helping anyone.
And if you're already feelingdepleted and being called to do
(05:07):
something, that is even moredepleting.
That is going to set you up forburnout.
And this is a great time topractice healthy detachment,
reminding yourself that you arenot responsible for other
people's feelings.
You are only responsible foryourself If you're not feeling
(05:29):
it that day, not having theenergy to do a big thing or meet
up or be around a bunch ofpeople.
There are going to be so manymore opportunities in your life
to spend one-on-one time withsomeone you love, and you're not
the only one that feelsoverstretched and fatigued
during the season.
It's a very common feeling andyou don't know how the universe,
or your higher power, isplaying this out in your life,
(05:52):
in the sense that you may say noto something and that may
inspire somebody else to setboundaries for themselves,
because they're going to havecompassion for you, see that
you're taking care of yourself,and then they may receive
permission in some energetic way, to do the same thing for
themselves.
If your mind starts telling youthat there's no option, that
(06:15):
you can't do that, don't listento it.
Instead, check in with your ownenergy and try to assess what
you need in that moment.
Give yourself permission toread a murder mystery, to do a
puzzle, to get a massage or achiropractic adjustment, to do
something that's going to fillyour cup, because if you say yes
(06:37):
to something and you'redepleted, it's going to set you
up to say yes to more thingswhen you should be saying no,
and that's going to lead toburnout, where, if you say no to
one thing and instead replaceit with an act of self-care,
that's going to create themomentum where you're not going
to have to say no to the nextthing, or maybe you'll have to
(06:58):
say no to one more thing andyou'll replace that thing with
some more self-care, but thenyou'll be able to say yes to
five more things and when youshow up to those events, you'll
be able to be present with thepeople that you love and you'll
create a healthier dynamic withthe holiday season, instead of
perpetuating this marathon race,overextending yourself, making
(07:21):
you dread the holiday season thefollowing year.
So if you have a friend callingyou to do something and you
don't have the energy for it,feel free to use scripts like
thank you so much for thinkingof me, but I'm not available at
this time and I would love tospend some time with you in a
couple of weeks or a couple ofdays or when I have more energy.
(07:43):
Also, remember that no is acomplete sentence and you don't
have to give a long explanationfor why you are saying no, and
that you are not responsible forother people's feelings.
You are only responsible foryour own feelings, and when you
take care of yourself, it's notselfish.
You're setting an example andyou're creating more sustainable
(08:05):
energy for yourself and moresustainable connections and
deeper connections when you dospend time with the people that
you love, and then this leads topracticing acceptance.
Acceptance is the answer to somany problems.
But acceptance is hard to makefriends with and make peace with
, because acceptance doesn'thappen immediately when you're
(08:30):
feeling uncomfortable.
Usually you will have to do alittle bit of processing or
sitting with your feelings andbeing honest with yourself to
reach that place of acceptance.
So allow yourself to feel griefif that's what's coming up for
you, for you to feel sadness ifthat's the feeling that's coming
up.
To allow yourself to restwithout judgment.
(08:52):
Remind yourself that it's okayto feel whatever's coming up for
you during the holiday season.
Do your best to releaseunrealistic expectations of
yourself and others, becausethose expectations lead to
resentment and resentment drainsyour energy when, if you're
(09:13):
able to find a place ofacceptance after processing
those feelings, becoming rightwith yourself, then you start to
run on a different energy.
Maybe it's acceptance, maybeit's peace, maybe it's love, but
those are very sustainableenergies to run on.
Try your best to accept thatthe holidays may not look
(09:33):
perfect, and that's okay.
If you think back to previousholidays, they've probably never
been perfect either.
And if you look at your bestfriend's holiday season, their
(09:55):
holiday season probably isn'tperfect as well.
So if your mind is telling youthat you really need to set
these high expectations, to doit all to make things perfect.
See how that's a lie the ideaof perfection with progress and
allowing things to look a littlemessy, because life is messy.
And that denial creates a splitin your energy, where your soul
is feeling one thing and thenyour mind is wanting you to do
(10:16):
something else, and that's verydraining.
So finding acceptance is thekey to preserving your energy
and when you have that realacceptance, you can focus on
what truly matters Connection,peace and taking care of
(10:37):
yourself.
During this time, I highlyrecommend that you dive into
your morning routine.
Maybe you already have amorning routine including
meditation and writing.
Maybe it's fallen to thewayside because life has been
really hectic.
This is a perfect opportunityfor you to revamp your morning
(11:01):
routine.
So during this time, commit toa five minute morning meditation
.
You can access a free anxietyrelief meditation through my
free online coaching seriescalled Stepping Off the Chaos
Roller Coaster.
You can find a link to that inthe show notes.
Or you can simply just set atimer and listen to the fan in
(11:24):
your house, or listen to thecars going by, or just allow
your mind to find a little bitof peace.
Taking just five minutes foryourself first thing in the
morning, creating that peacefulconnection with yourself, will
set you up for a much morepeaceful day.
(11:45):
I've talked about this before,but there's the RAS system the
Recticular Analytical System,which is constantly scanning
your environment to helpvalidate whatever feelings
you're having.
And so if you start your daystressed out, your RAS system is
going to look for more thingsto be hypervigilant about and to
(12:05):
be on guard about, becauseyou're subconsciously telling
your system that there's a lotof threats in your environment.
So you really need to watch out.
But when you start your daywith five minutes of meditation,
you're shifting that system tolook for peace, to look for
space, to look for calmingthings, and so that's going to
perpetuate a feeling of peacerather than a feeling of anxiety
(12:28):
.
That five minutes is crucial,especially when you're busy.
If your mind tells you youdon't really have time for this,
don't listen to it because it'snot true, and if you don't make
this time, your day will runaway without your ability to be
intentional.
I highly recommend taking fiveminutes to journal.
(12:50):
I've had many clients who havenever journaled before.
Start journaling and it can bea game changer.
Don't knock it till you try itand try it for an extended
period of time, like a full week.
Just commit to seven days ofjournaling for five minutes in
the morning.
You can set a timer, start witha gratitude list listing five
(13:15):
things you're grateful for.
That will also enhance your RASsystem to look for things that
you're grateful for in your life, making you feel more abundant,
secure and stable.
Or you can write about howeveryou're feeling.
If you're feeling anxious,inquire as to why you have that
(13:35):
feeling and if it's true, andsee if you can pull back layers
of that onion and get to more ofthe root cause, what's really
coming up.
And I'm going to give you alittle tip, a little secret here
that usually the externalthings that your mind is
concerned about are not the rootissue.
The root issue usually has todo with self-worth, security,
(14:01):
belonging, trust and believingthat you will be cared for and
provided for.
Those are usually the rootissues behind your stress and
anxiety.
But your mind will tell youit's my to-do list, it's my lack
of funds, it's my lack of time,it's my partner.
They're not acting right.
(14:21):
If they would just be nicer tome and thank me for all the
amazing things I do for them.
Then I would feel so muchbetter.
But if that's not really thecause, then you could have that
happen.
Your partner could be sograteful for you and your mind
would just jump to somethingelse.
That would then become theproblem.
So in times of stress, even whenyou feel a lack of time, it is
(14:46):
important to take intentionaltime to meditate, which is
really just quieting yourself,quieting your mind, becoming
intentional at the beginning ofyour day, connecting with
yourself before you go out intothe world, and taking time to
journal, which is a form ofprocessing, so that you can sit
with these emotions, these bigfeelings that are coming up for
(15:07):
you, that are splitting you intwo different ways, and so that
you can create more harmonywithin and then arrive at more
acceptance, because you'veprocessed it instead of ignoring
it.
And the more you live inacceptance, the more that
becomes the status quo and whereyour body and your mind feel
happy, so it's easier to staythere.
You have less tolerance forstress and anxiety.
(15:29):
And then yesterday I waslooking at this book, the Little
Frog's Guide to Self-Care, byMaybel Ikwe.
A good friend of mine got methis book last year, and the
first page I flipped open to istitled 10 affirmations to remind
you of the magic that you hold.
I thought this would be anexcellent reminder for you
(15:53):
during this podcast today.
So if you are building a healthyrelationship with yourself and
working on adjusting yourself-talk, affirmations are a
great place to start.
So if one of these affirmationscalls to you, I want you to
write it down or just make amental note, and when you're
feeling depleted or like you'rerunning on empty, I want you to
(16:14):
say the affirmation to yourself.
And the great thing is you canpause, rewind and start
listening to the affirmationsfrom the beginning, or you can
just continue listening, seewhich one you like and then
earmark it and use it whenyou're feeling depleted.
The first affirmation is it'sso brave of me to exist.
(16:37):
And then there's a cute littlefrog with boots on and a hat
that's like a mushroom hat.
I highly recommend getting thisbook because the illustrations
I cannot convey how cute theyare and how they just light up
your soul.
The second affirmation is I'mgoing to be nicer to myself.
(16:57):
The third affirmation is I amas worthy of my dreams as anyone
else.
The fourth affirmation is mybody works so hard for me.
I love that because, if you arelike me, you may take your body
for granted, but your body ismiraculous and constantly
(17:20):
creating homeostasis in yourlife.
You have so many cells withinyour body that are working to
heal you and to keep you feelingyour best.
Your body is your best friendand on your side, and if you
don't feel that way about yourbody right now, that's totally
(17:40):
understandable.
But if you're feeling low, mybody works so hard for me is a
great affirmation to say toyourself and to see if you're
feeling low, my body works sohard for me is a great
affirmation to say to yourselfand to see if you can move that
from just words to being in yourheart space or being in your
belly or being wherever you mayfeel some insecurity or some
(18:02):
resistance in your body.
The fifth affirmation is magicalways reveals itself when I'm
willing to see it, and what Ilove about that is that this
acceptance we're talking aboutthis being present in the moment
is the space when you're mostlikely going to be able to see
(18:23):
it, and then you bring the RASsystem on board and not only are
you being able to see the magicin your life.
You're creating more of itbecause that's what you're
tuning yourself into, acceptingand paying attention to.
The sixth affirmation is I amworthy of safe and healthy
relationships.
That is so big and that speaksto giving yourself permission to
(18:49):
maintain healthy boundaries andtake care of yourself, because
when you do that work internallywith yourself your
relationships follow, and soit's not about trading out the
people in your life.
Sometimes it is, but not always.
It's about working on yourself,and then that attracts the safe
and healthy relationships.
(19:10):
And the seventh affirmation isI am allowed to feel the
emotions that are moving throughme and I am allowed to let go
of them when I am ready, whenthinking about processing grief.
(19:31):
About processing grief, maybeyou just need permission to feel
it.
Maybe you just need permissionto not be okay, to let things be
messy, to let things go, and totrust the universe, your higher
power, god, whatever youbelieve in, to be there with you
while you experience thesefeelings, while you allow them
to wash over you.
You are allowed to let go ofthem when you are ready, not
(19:54):
when it's convenient for someoneelse, and the same thing could
be said for stress or anxiety orfatigue.
You can allow yourself to feelthese feelings, to take a pause,
to take a step back, to rest,to do something frivolous, and
then, when you are ready, youcan let them go.
(20:15):
And then affirmation numberseven is I will be gentle with
myself.
Give yourself permission totreat yourself like you would
your own best friend.
Affirmation number eight mytrauma doesn't make me any less
lovable.
There's not a single human thatwalks on this earth that hasn't
(20:37):
experienced hardship, andthough your mind may tell you
that yours is worse than anyoneelse's, know that the things
that have happened to you andthat you've experienced.
Know that the things that havehappened to you and that you've
experienced do not take awayfrom who you are, but instead
add to who you are, helping youto be more empathetic and caring
(21:01):
, loving and able to hold spacefor others.
When we work with our trauma,when we process it, when we do
our best to make friends with itor accept it on some level, it
can be an amazing gift, anamazing lesson, and if you're in
the middle of trauma right now,hearing that it's a gift is the
last thing you want to hear.
You're like, yeah right, youknow, or please take this gift
(21:31):
back, but trust me, over time itcan serve you, especially when
you're willing to sit with itand process it, with somebody
who can help you navigate it.
Doing it alone can be trickyit's not impossible, but from
experience I highly recommendasking someone else for help to
support you through it, andultimately that transformation
can make you feel more lovablebecause of the experiences
you've had.
(21:51):
And then, affirmation number 10,I am going to treat myself the
way I would treat my best friend.
That's so perfect because it'stotally tying into this theme
that we're talking about beingkinder to ourselves, treating
yourself like you would your ownbest friend.
And so those affirmations weretaken from the Little Frog's
(22:14):
Guide to Self Care by MabelEquay, and I'll put a link to
that in the show notes too, ifit resonates with you.
The illustrations, like I said,are beyond cute and they will
make you laugh.
So once again, I want to remindyou that you're not alone, and
if you're feeling uncomfortable,the universe may be calling you
(22:35):
to go within, maybe not for theentire holiday season, but for
a couple hours or a day or acouple of days, to take care of
yourself.
Put your oxygen mask on firstbefore exerting yourself,
overcommitting and perpetuatingcycles of burnout.
(22:55):
If this podcast resonated withyou and you can think of someone
else that is going through ahard time and has a challenging
relationship with the holidays,pass this podcast along to them.
It's a non-codependent way toshare some helpful tools.
You can give it to them andthen detach with love.
You know, just be like.
I put it out there and they cando with it what they want.
(23:16):
And I want to encourage you totake one small action from what
you heard today to incorporateinto your life, whether that's
the morning routine, positiveaffirmations, giving yourself
permission to say no.
Take a small action that youheard today and commit to
(23:37):
bringing it into your life,starting right now, because you
don't have to do it all.
Sometimes it just takes onething that starts to snowball
into many positive things thatcreate more peace and stability
in your life.
And I have a few ways that wecan connect in person.
(23:58):
The first is one-on-one stressrelief coaching.
I offer a free 30-minutesession so that we can get to
know each other and start tounpack your unique situation
Because, like I said, navigatingthrough big feelings around
grief, stress and anxiety can beoverwhelming on your own, but
when you have somebody to keepyou accountable to offer tools
(24:20):
and resources that can help younavigate these feelings, that
you trust and that you knowwho's been through it before.
It can make a really big impactin your healing process.
And I can show you the toolsthat have worked for me and
countless others to help younavigate your unique
circumstances so that you canfeel more peace, lighter and
(24:44):
more fulfillment.
You can find a link to set upyour free 30-minute one-on-one
stress relief coaching sessionin the show notes or at
mrs-hardcom.
And on Saturday, january 4th,personal trainer Leisha Ames and
I are hosting movement andmeditation at the garden from
(25:06):
9am to 10am.
Registration will open abouttwo weeks before, so, depending
on when you're listening to thisepisode, you can check my
website, mrs-hardcom, toregister.
And then on Sunday, january12th, lisa Fonville and I are
hosting Empower Her from 3 to 5pm.
(25:28):
This is a business workshop forfemale entrepreneurs or people
who are looking to go intobusiness to learn about branding
.
Every Empower Her session has afocus, so this one's going to
be focused on branding and thehidden emotions behind putting
(25:49):
yourself out there, because alot of people who are
entrepreneurs or wanting tostart their own business have a
lot of fear around branding.
A lot of emotions can come uparound putting yourself out
there and being seen and feelingworthy worthy that you have
(26:09):
what other people want and thatit's okay to talk about it and
it's okay to advertise it,because advertising is really
about putting the message outthere, the little beacon of
light like hey, I have thisthing, if this is right for you,
come find me.
It doesn't have to be a sleazysales kind of thing or like
(26:29):
you're forcing people to buy oruse a service that you provide
that they don't really want.
Really great branding is justshowing people what you have to
offer, so that they can see youin the sea of many other people
and that you're able to reallyexpress what is unique about
your gift, and so that you canattract your dream clients and
(26:52):
attract people who really wantto work with you.
And when they're excited towork with you, you're excited to
work with them, and then workbecomes fun.
And so Lisa Fonville will behosting the branding part of it
and I will be talking about thedeeper aspects behind why it's
hard to show up and theworthiness pieces that are
(27:13):
holding you back from connectingwith the people you really want
to help.
So, again, that's January 12th,that's a Sunday from 3 to 5 pm,
and that will be at my office,828 School Street in Napa,
california.
Registration for Empower Herwill be found at my website at
mrs-hardcom.
All right, that's all I've gotfor you today.
(27:36):
Thanks so much for hanging withme and I look forward to
talking to you soon.
Until next time, take care.
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