August 7, 2024 • 31 mins
In this impactful episode, host Allesanda Tolomei-Hard, a.k.a. Mrs. Hard, explores a simple yet powerful approach to managing stressful relationships with grace and compassion. This episode is particularly beneficial for anyone dealing with challenging relationships, whether they are familial, romantic, or professional.
We are going to talk about...
- How detachment doesn't mean disconnecting but maintaining healthy boundaries while caring for oneself.
- Exploring the concept of loving detachment and its importance in reducing stress and improving well-being.
- The common signs indicating a need for detachment, such as obsessing over others' needs and feeling under-appreciated.
- How to recognize when you might benefit from practicing detachment in your relationships.
I also share about my personal journey with my father and how our relationship shifted from chaotic to peaceful once I set loving boundaries.
And to help you start implementing these concepts, I will guide you through a soothing meditation exercise. This meditation is designed to promote peace of mind and reduce stress in relationships and can be practiced anytime, anywhere.
Key Takeaways:
- Learning to detach with love can transform stressful relationships and improve personal well-being.
- Identifying signs that indicate a need for detachment helps in recognizing and addressing unhealthy patterns.
- Personal stories illustrate the benefits of physical and emotional detachment.
- A guided meditation exercise provides a practical tool for reducing relationship stress.
Listen to this episode to discover how you can navigate stressful relationships with love and grace.
Links and Resources:
>>Follow Mrs. Hard on social media for more insights and updates:
Instagram: Mrs.Hard_TimesNoMore
Facebook: Mrs.Hard
>>Visit my website for more episodes and resources:
mrs-hard.com
Subscribe & Review:
If you enjoyed this episode, please subscribe to the podcast and leave a review. Your feedback helps us reach more people and share the message of healing and empowerment.
Contact:
Have questions or want to share your story?
Email us at allesanda4388@gmail.com
Discover how to step off the chaos roller coaster and finally have peace of mind.
Sign up for my free 3-day coaching series—Stepping Off The Chaos Roller Coaster: 3 Simple Steps For Anxiety Relief
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome Hard, aka Mrs Hard, and
this is Hard Times no More, apodcast for people who are tired
of struggling with boundaries,people-pleasing and relationship
problems.
I have overcome some hard times.
Within three years, I stoppeddrinking, my mom died of cancer
and my house burnt down in aCalifornia wildfire, and those
(00:22):
are just the highlights.
I have a lot of reasons to bemiserable, but I'm not.
The truth is, life was morechallenging before these events
happened.
If you are tired of waiting foryour circumstances to change to
find happiness and peace ofmind, you are in the right place
.
Join me as I share the tools Iuse in love to transform
(00:43):
challenges into assets andinterview others about their
relationship journeys.
Together, let's learn how tohave a happy life full of
healthy, meaningfulrelationships and say goodbye to
hard times for good.
Hey everyone, welcome to theHard Times no More Relationship
(01:03):
Podcast.
I'm Alessandra Ptolemy Hart,aka Mrs Hart, your host.
This week, I'm bringing back oneof my most impactful episodes
Detaching with Love, navigatingStressful Relationships.
This is for you if you've beenstruggling in a personal or
family relationship.
We're going to discuss howdetachment doesn't mean you
(01:24):
don't care, but rather it's away for you to care for yourself
while maintaining healthyboundaries.
We're going to dive into thecommon signs that may be
indicating that you couldbenefit from practicing
detachment, such as constantlyfeeling underappreciated or
stuck in cycles of tension, andI'm going to share with you how
(01:44):
my father has been one of mygreatest teachers when it comes
to detachment.
These lessons haven't alwaysbeen comfortable, but they have
helped me have healthyboundaries in so many areas of
my life.
And to help you implement theseconcepts, I'm going to guide
you through a short and sweetmeditation at the end of this
(02:05):
episode.
This exercise is designed tohelp you have more peace of mind
and less stress in yourrelationships, and you can
practice it anytime, anywhere.
Now, without further ado, let'sjump into this week's best of
episode Detaching with Love,navigating Stressful
(02:25):
Relationships.
It is possible to detach in away that will help your
relationship and not hurt it,and I'm going to explain more
about that in just a second.
But first let's discuss if yourrelationship may need a little
(02:46):
or a lot of detachment.
Let me ask you do you findyourself obsessing over others?
Or maybe you think obsessing isa strong word, so let's just
say thinking a lot about othersand how this may show up in your
life is that you plan your dayaround their schedule, even if
it isn't convenient for you.
(03:07):
Maybe you wake them up everymorning because they missed
their alarm.
Maybe you even set an alarm thenight before so that you get up
earlier than them so you canmake sure that they wake up,
even though you don't actuallyneed to be up that early,
actually need to be up thatearly.
Do you find yourself makingfood for dinner that they like,
that maybe you're not a big fanof, but you never make the food
(03:30):
that you really like, even ifyou're the cook in the house?
Do you sometimes feel likeyou're underappreciated and you
feel like you're stuck with allthe responsibility in the
relationship and you wonder howyou got to that place?
Maybe you feel stuck in a cyclewhere there's a lot of tension
in the relationship and youenter the interactions wanting
(03:52):
to have a positive experience,but you find yourself always
feeling triggered and neverfeeling heard.
These are signs that you wouldbenefit from practicing
detachment and that yourrelationship may not be in a
super healthy place.
But most likely you alreadyknew that and it's so important
to learn healthy detachment,because with healthy detachment
(04:17):
your wellbeing improves.
You're less tired becauseyou're not spending so much
energy worrying about the otherperson or what they think or how
what you're doing is going toaffect them, and you get your
personal power back, becauseyour happiness, your well-being,
doesn't depend on the otherperson and you can spend your
(04:39):
time and your energy focusing onmore productive things that
create a more fulfilling lifefor yourself energy focusing on
more productive things thatcreate a more fulfilling life
for yourself and in turn, thathelps you have more fulfilling
relationships.
And so let's talk about whatdetachment is.
Detachment can be physicalseparation or it can be an
emotional separation.
(04:59):
Detachment is neither kind orunkind.
To practice detachment, youfirst need to acknowledge that
you are not responsible foranyone other than yourself,
unless you have small childrenand in this conversation we're
talking adult to adult and youcan practice detachment in a
situation where you're acaregiver, but it's important to
(05:23):
acknowledge that you cannottruly cause the other person to
do something or not to dosomething that they have free
will.
This is a very importantconcept, because sometimes, when
we're in relationships thatfeel a bit one-sided, we do
think it's up to us to keep thepeace, to make things go
(05:45):
smoothly, and if things aren'tgoing well, that it's our fault
or that we shouldn't have said XY Z or done X Y Z, because now
we've caused a riff and nowwe're having to deal with that
riff and it wasn't even worth it, you know.
But in my experience,practicing true detachment is
peaceful.
(06:05):
But when changing things up,especially when a relationship
has been one way for a long time, it can be a bit uncomfortable,
and that discomfort isn't bad.
It's a sign that things arechanging and discomfort can be a
sign of growth and that thatcan actually be a good sign.
And it's important, if you'remaking a change to your habits
(06:26):
in your relationship, that youcommunicate that with the other
person.
And I suggest justcommunicating that you are going
to make a change in yourrelationship, whatever that
looks like, whether it's makingsomething different for dinner
or choosing to spend some timewith a friend when usually you
would spend time with thatperson, or maybe for a short
(06:47):
period of time, visiting thatperson less frequently, but
explaining to them that this isjust something you need to do
for a period of time and thatyou don't really need to go into
the why you're making thischange, because that's where
things can get a little stickyand I'm going to talk about two
different kinds of detachment.
I'm going to talk aboutphysical separation detachment.
I'm going to talk aboutemotional detachment.
(07:09):
My biggest lesson withdetachment was with my father.
He had lived in an assistednursing facility for about six
years and this was during a timewhere his health was really
poor and he's had multiplesclerosis my whole life and he
(07:29):
needed to go into assistedliving because my mom was having
to call 911 almost every singlenight because he had memory
issues and he would take toomuch of his medication and he'd
overdose and he would be on thefloor and my mom wasn't able to
lift him or wake him up and soshe'd have to call the
paramedics.
And this was happening sofrequently that my parents
(07:50):
insurance was threatening todrop my father from the
insurance because of all ofthese visits to their house and
how much it was costing.
And then my mom also was havingto work at the time like 40, 50
, 60 hours a week to try to keepthem afloat and she wasn't able
to stay home and care for himand she wasn't able to afford
(08:14):
bringing in somebody because itwas very expensive and they
didn't have that money.
Doctor wanted him to go intoassisted living, and this was
very hard for my family to letmy dad go into assisted living
because if you're familiar withthese places, they aren't great.
But somebody was watching overhim 24 hours and he was much
(08:36):
safer in that facility and helived there for six years and
after my mom passed away he hadbeen dating people on Facebook
and online and or trying to datepeople online, and you know we
all want companionship.
That's completely understandable.
More power to him.
My father is amazing in thesense of like, when he sets his
(08:58):
mind to something he goes afterit.
But anyways, I believe thestory goes like this.
It may or may not be slightlydifferent, but he met a woman
online, and not as a romanticperson, but to be his caretaker,
and she started taking him todoctor's appointments that were
(09:22):
further away, because he wouldgo see specialists that were
like an hour and a half, twohours away.
And this woman wanted to moveto Napa and move my father in
with her in Napa, because that'swhere I live and she lives in a
different county and anyways,it didn't work out that they
(09:44):
could get an apartment here formultiple reasons it was too
expensive and so she ended upmoving him a couple hours away
to live with her.
So let me set the stage for youAt this time.
It was just a couple monthsafter my house burned down in
2017.
And in the past, when somethingwent wrong with my father, it
(10:08):
would fall on me.
I was the person who would haveto clean up the mess and I was
the primary caretaker.
So, as you can imagine, I wasnot too thrilled about this idea
.
He had lived in a nursing homefor six years.
He had met this woman online.
I did not know her.
Honestly, at the time I did notcare to get to know her.
I did not have the bandwidth orthe energy to quote unquote
(10:32):
deal with this.
But my father is an adult andhe wanted to move there.
And my brother I have a sibling,a brother and he was on board
with this and I have had peoplewho have supported me through
all of my big changes emotionaland physical in my life.
(10:53):
I have always had somebody tocoach me, mentor me and help me,
because for me it's reallyimportant to have that outside
help to help me see situationsdifferently.
And it was suggested to me todetach physically from the
(11:13):
situation if my father decidedto move in with this woman and
let me tell you that was thebest thing I ever did for our
relationship.
My father decided to move inwith this woman.
My brother agreed to pick upthe pieces if it fell apart, and
at the time if I was a bettingperson I would have bet that it
would fall apart, and guess whatit didn't.
(11:36):
He's been living there forseveral years now and he moved
there and ended up thriving.
His health became much better.
He started going to physicaltherapy and he was wheelchair
bound.
He started walking again, butthe deal was when he moved that
I said I wasn't going to talk tohim for three months and I
(11:57):
needed that physical separationfor my own well-being.
And saying that to my father wasone of the hardest things I've
ever done.
And I said it in a very kind,compassionate way.
I did not say this is yourfault, you're doing this to me.
I did not use any language likethat.
I said you know what?
(12:18):
I understand why you want to dothis and I can't be present for
this in case it doesn't workout.
And he could admit that therewas a chance that it wouldn't
work out and I said I'm justgoing to have to not talk to you
for the next three months.
I hope this goes well for youand when three months goes by,
(12:38):
then I can talk to you again.
And three months went by and itwas really uncomfortable because
I had this really uncomfortableaha moment where I realized I
was not as important in theequation as I thought I was.
He ended up, as I said,thriving from this move which,
(13:01):
you know, it did not seem likethat was going to be the case at
the time, especially from mypast experience with my father,
and I am so glad I let him makethat decision.
I am so glad I detached, I'm soglad I stepped back, because he
would have never had thatopportunity if I would have
(13:22):
inserted myself and said I knowwhat's best for you.
You know, and I mean it wasjust a miracle and it still is a
miracle today.
Like I said, they've beenliving together symbiotically
for several years.
It works out for them and mydad's had a much better life and
I had so many reasons to beinvolved and to insert myself in
(13:45):
the name of his safety.
And physically, detachingchanged our relationship.
We used to have a much moretumultuous relationship.
Now we have a very positiverelationship.
Every time I talk to him welaugh.
We rarely have conflict anymore, and it was because of that big
move which was so uncomfortable.
(14:07):
My wellbeing used to be soattached to his wellbeing and
how he was doing, and today itis not, and it has become so
much better for the both of us.
And so sometimes to restart apattern in an unhealthy
relationship, you need to stepback.
You really need to detach for aperiod of time not forever,
(14:30):
just for a period of time sothat you can shift your
perspective.
You can shift those patternsthat you're experiencing in the
relationship that you don't wantto continue, the ones that
aren't serving you or the otherperson.
And I took that time to reallylook at my part, what I could
change on my side of therelationship, because, as you
(14:52):
know, we can't control otherpeople.
All we can control is ourself.
And when you take that space,that time, to rearrange your
perspective and to do someinternal work and investigate,
you know where is that fearcoming from, where is that
control coming from, where isthat need to do everything and
take on so much responsibilitycoming from?
(15:12):
When you do that investigativework, you transform, and by
transforming your own internalself you can transform the
relationship and therelationship, the new
relationship that comes fromthat may not be what you thought
it would be.
For a long time I thought myperfect relationship with my
(15:34):
father would be when he's ableto do all of these quote-unquote
dad things, when really myperfect relationship with my
father is a place of acceptancewith him, accepting him as who
he is, doing the best he canright now.
And that came throughdetachment, the physical
(15:55):
separation, and now I'm going toshare with you about emotional
detachment, because this lastyear has been a strong year for
practicing emotional detachment.
My husband was in paramedicschool and he also worked as a
firefighter for several monthsand there was a particular span
(16:18):
of time in which he was doingboth and he was under so much
pressure.
But he was coming home everysingle night for the most part
and I had to emotionallyseparate and detach from him
because he was going through hisown thing and if I was taking
what he was going through on orpersonally, or trying to
(16:42):
rearrange my life to make hislife more convenient, it was
just causing more and morefriction in our relationship,
causing more and more frictionin our relationship, and so
emotional detachment looked likefilling my cup without needing
him so much, making sure Iwasn't taking his stuff
personally which was easier todo if I wasn't taking on all of
(17:07):
the responsibility either and sowhat that looked like was
spending time with people whosupported me and getting my
needs filled elsewhere becausehe was tapped out.
He honestly did not have theenergy to give to the
relationship, and that's notcondemning him or judging him
(17:29):
for that.
He was just in a very stressfultime in life in which all the
energy he had had to go to thisone goal for a season so that he
could get through it.
So I just had to use otherresources in my life to meet my
needs, and the separation we hadduring this time emotionally,
because we were still living inthe same house ended up bringing
(17:52):
us closer together because wewere still living in the same
house ended up bringing uscloser together and it made us
grateful to spend time with eachother when we could.
And once again, it made it sothat we weren't bringing in a
bunch of negative emotions afterthe season had passed.
And I see this same benefithappen with others when they're
stuck in a cycle with theirsignificant other or their
(18:12):
family, where there's a lot oftension or a lot of resentment,
it can be very beneficial topull back emotionally to
reconnect with yourself, toreconnect with other people who
can support you as you workthrough the emotions you're
having, as you dig deeper intowhy you're having these emotions
(18:35):
, because they're not going tojust pass on their own with a
little bit of time and a littlebit of separation or an
emotional disconnect which canshow up as being very cold if
you're not doing the internalwork, if you're not looking at
your own stuff and wondering.
You know, why am I having thesefeelings?
What is this situation bringingup in my life?
(18:55):
So emotional detachment is moreabout getting your needs met
elsewhere and you're keeping thepeace, but not sacrificing your
own needs or your own wellbeing, because you've identified
where you can find those outletsto recharge you.
You don't need the other personto change or be something else.
(19:16):
Once again, you're finding thatacceptance with who they are
and where they're at in liferight now.
And what I found in life isthat when we bring that
acceptance to a relationship, itchanges our relationship with
others Because just on anenergetic level, you can feel if
somebody has expectations ofyou or not, and when you drop
(19:36):
those expectations, an opennessreplaces that tension.
But something to pay attentionto here is that you really have
to do that internal work, alongwith the detachment, and this
makes me think of a tool that Ireally love.
It's called the three C's Cnumber one, you didn't cause it.
C number two you can't cure it.
(19:58):
And C number three you can'tcontrol it.
And when I'm feeling overlyinvolved with someone else, I
run this little checklistthrough my mind Am I trying to
control them?
Am I trying to fix thesituation?
Do I feel responsible like Icaused it?
Because we truly aren'tresponsible for anyone but
ourselves.
(20:18):
And when doing that internalwork, try to investigate any
fears you may have that arecoming up.
Are you afraid that if youdetach physically or emotionally
, that you'll be seen as meancold, or that you're not loving
or caring, that you're not aquote-unquote good daughter or a
good partner?
But then I beg you to considerif sacrificing your own wants,
(20:44):
energy, needs and desires isloving, and is this really
making you who you want to be inyour life?
Is this helping you show up asthe person that you want to be
towards others.
And when you do this internalwork, you're able to show up for
others in such a more profoundway.
You're able to truly be helpfulto others instead of having a
(21:09):
hidden agenda when helpingothers.
Because, if you are like me, fora long time I needed to be
needed by others to feel worthy,to feel lovable, to feel like I
mattered.
And that icky stickinessattached to my helping created
unhealthy relationships in mylife.
(21:29):
And at the time I didn't knowwhy I kept on finding myself in
unhealthy relationships.
I was like I'm responsible foreverything, like, why is it
going so wrong?
And it's because it wasn't arelationship.
There wasn't that trust, therewasn't that balance and there
was an attachment to needing tobe needed to be worthy of love,
(21:52):
instead of having faith that Iwas enough, that what I was
doing in the relationship wasenough, that it didn't need to
be perfect, that I didn't needto be everything to everyone.
And if I wasn't everything toeveryone, it also didn't mean I
was going to lose the person.
And, like I said, when you'remaking a shift in your
(22:12):
relationship, it's important tocommunicate the shift and not go
into the why.
Just say that you're changingthe status quo, that you're
trying something different for alittle while here and you know
if they don't react the way youwant them to, it's important to
just do your best to let thatroll off your shoulders, because
(22:34):
you can't control somebodyelse's actions or reactions.
You can't control how they'regoing to respond to you.
You just need to do what's bestfor you and the rest will fall
into place afterwards.
That is like the first thingyou got to do.
The first step you got to takeis just finding out what you
need.
You got to take is just findingout what you need, what is
(22:59):
going to help you heal, and notworrying about the other person
as much, even though that can bevery hard to do, because you
know, if you're a lot, if you'relike some of the people I work
with, you worry a lot aboutothers, and it's because you're
very caring, but that canbackfire on you.
So, really encouraging you totake back your power, see what
you need, really check in withthat.
(23:19):
Now I'm going to guide youthrough an exercise that you can
practice right here, right now,no matter what you're doing,
even if you're driving, you'rewalking, whatever you're doing I
want you to just follow methrough this little simple
exercise.
So first take a couple slow,deep breaths.
(23:41):
Connect with your breath.
Connecting with your breathcalms your nervous system.
Connecting with your breathcalms your nervous system and
brings your awareness back toyour body, back to yourself.
And then I want you to imaginethat you have a bubble around
(24:07):
you.
It can be a clear bubble, itcan have a color, it can be
form-fitting.
It can be a color, it can beform-fitting, it can be a circle
, and I want you to imagine thatall of the energy within the
bubble is your energy and otherpeople's energy can't get into
(24:28):
the bubble.
I also want you to imagine thatyou're calling back all of your
energy from wherever it may bescattered throughout the world.
Maybe you left some energy in apast conversation.
Maybe you left some energy atwork.
Maybe you left some energy atthe grocery store, wherever it
(24:53):
is.
Imagine calling it back.
And I want you to think of thatenergy as a color.
Imagine that color filling upthe bubble.
Imagine that color filling upthe bubble, and that bubble is
(25:15):
your space.
It is your safety, yoursecurity and it is filled with
love and your energy.
And take a deep breath intothis feeling, into this space,
(25:50):
and know that you can carry thisprotective bubble with you
wherever you go throughout yourday.
Make sure to ground your energyin this bubble, in this space.
Before having a challengingconversation, before interacting
with somebody who triggers you,remember to call your energy
back and that this is accessibleto you at any time.
Yes, you can do this during aseated meditation or when lying
(26:16):
down, but you can also do itthrough your day.
If you feel a little bitstressed or overwhelmed, just
call back your energy.
Imagine that bubble around youand imagine that you're safe and
secure within your space andthat no one can take this away
from you.
Just take a deep breath intothat.
(26:37):
All right, that's the shortlittle guided exercise that you
can take with you wherever yougo.
Also, I have created a freeonline series called Stepping
Off the Chaos Roller CoasterThree Simple Steps for Anxiety
Relief, where I share anothersimple practice that you can use
(27:01):
when you know you're going tohave to spend some time with
someone who triggers you,because, if you are like me, the
more tools the better, and, asan introvert and an empathetic
person, it's easy for me to gointo fix-it mode or take on
other people's stress or want tokeep the peace at all costs,
but the right tools make it sothat you no longer have to
(27:23):
sacrifice your needs andwell-being to keep the peace.
You can have the best of bothworlds.
You can have a peacefulrelationship and peace of mind
and in stepping off the chaosroller coaster.
I also share two otherpractices for stress relief and
I include a free anxiety reliefguided meditation, because, I'm
(27:46):
sure you can agree, you can'tchange what happens day to day,
but with a little practice youcan change how you react to life
when life happens, and I'll addthe link to that in the show
notes and you can also find itat mrs-hardcom.
Thank you so much for joiningme and for connecting with me
(28:07):
today and for making me a partof your spiritual journey.
I am abundantly grateful to beon this ride with you and if you
want to come say hi, you canfind me on Instagram at mrshard
underscore times no more or onFacebook.
(28:28):
Look me up, mrs Hard.
So until next time, take care.
Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome Hard, aka Mrs Hard, and
this is Hard Times no More, apodcast for people who are tired
of struggling with boundaries,people-pleasing and relationship
problems.
I have overcome some hard times.
Within three years, I stoppeddrinking, my mom died of cancer
and my house burnt down in aCalifornia wildfire, and those
(00:22):
are just the highlights.
I have a lot of reasons to bemiserable, but I'm not.
The truth is, life was morechallenging before these events
happened.
If you are tired of waiting foryour circumstances to change to
find happiness and peace ofmind, you are in the right place
.
Join me as I share the tools Iuse in love to transform
(00:43):
challenges into assets andinterview others about their
relationship journeys.
Together, let's learn how tohave a happy life full of
healthy, meaningfulrelationships and say goodbye to
hard times for good.
Hey everyone, welcome to theHard Times no More Relationship
(01:03):
Podcast.
I'm Alessandra Ptolemy Hart,aka Mrs Hart, your host.
This week, I'm bringing back oneof my most impactful episodes
Detaching with Love, navigatingStressful Relationships.
This is for you if you've beenstruggling in a personal or
family relationship.
We're going to discuss howdetachment doesn't mean you
(01:24):
don't care, but rather it's away for you to care for yourself
while maintaining healthyboundaries.
We're going to dive into thecommon signs that may be
indicating that you couldbenefit from practicing
detachment, such as constantlyfeeling underappreciated or
stuck in cycles of tension, andI'm going to share with you how
(01:44):
my father has been one of mygreatest teachers when it comes
to detachment.
These lessons haven't alwaysbeen comfortable, but they have
helped me have healthyboundaries in so many areas of
my life.
And to help you implement theseconcepts, I'm going to guide
you through a short and sweetmeditation at the end of this
(02:05):
episode.
This exercise is designed tohelp you have more peace of mind
and less stress in yourrelationships, and you can
practice it anytime, anywhere.
Now, without further ado, let'sjump into this week's best of
episode Detaching with Love,navigating Stressful
(02:25):
Relationships.
It is possible to detach in away that will help your
relationship and not hurt it,and I'm going to explain more
about that in just a second.
But first let's discuss if yourrelationship may need a little
(02:46):
or a lot of detachment.
Let me ask you do you findyourself obsessing over others?
Or maybe you think obsessing isa strong word, so let's just
say thinking a lot about othersand how this may show up in your
life is that you plan your dayaround their schedule, even if
it isn't convenient for you.
(03:07):
Maybe you wake them up everymorning because they missed
their alarm.
Maybe you even set an alarm thenight before so that you get up
earlier than them so you canmake sure that they wake up,
even though you don't actuallyneed to be up that early,
actually need to be up thatearly.
Do you find yourself makingfood for dinner that they like,
that maybe you're not a big fanof, but you never make the food
(03:30):
that you really like, even ifyou're the cook in the house?
Do you sometimes feel likeyou're underappreciated and you
feel like you're stuck with allthe responsibility in the
relationship and you wonder howyou got to that place?
Maybe you feel stuck in a cyclewhere there's a lot of tension
in the relationship and youenter the interactions wanting
(03:52):
to have a positive experience,but you find yourself always
feeling triggered and neverfeeling heard.
These are signs that you wouldbenefit from practicing
detachment and that yourrelationship may not be in a
super healthy place.
But most likely you alreadyknew that and it's so important
to learn healthy detachment,because with healthy detachment
(04:17):
your wellbeing improves.
You're less tired becauseyou're not spending so much
energy worrying about the otherperson or what they think or how
what you're doing is going toaffect them, and you get your
personal power back, becauseyour happiness, your well-being,
doesn't depend on the otherperson and you can spend your
(04:39):
time and your energy focusing onmore productive things that
create a more fulfilling lifefor yourself energy focusing on
more productive things thatcreate a more fulfilling life
for yourself and in turn, thathelps you have more fulfilling
relationships.
And so let's talk about whatdetachment is.
Detachment can be physicalseparation or it can be an
emotional separation.
(04:59):
Detachment is neither kind orunkind.
To practice detachment, youfirst need to acknowledge that
you are not responsible foranyone other than yourself,
unless you have small childrenand in this conversation we're
talking adult to adult and youcan practice detachment in a
situation where you're acaregiver, but it's important to
(05:23):
acknowledge that you cannottruly cause the other person to
do something or not to dosomething that they have free
will.
This is a very importantconcept, because sometimes, when
we're in relationships thatfeel a bit one-sided, we do
think it's up to us to keep thepeace, to make things go
(05:45):
smoothly, and if things aren'tgoing well, that it's our fault
or that we shouldn't have said XY Z or done X Y Z, because now
we've caused a riff and nowwe're having to deal with that
riff and it wasn't even worth it, you know.
But in my experience,practicing true detachment is
peaceful.
(06:05):
But when changing things up,especially when a relationship
has been one way for a long time, it can be a bit uncomfortable,
and that discomfort isn't bad.
It's a sign that things arechanging and discomfort can be a
sign of growth and that thatcan actually be a good sign.
And it's important, if you'remaking a change to your habits
(06:26):
in your relationship, that youcommunicate that with the other
person.
And I suggest justcommunicating that you are going
to make a change in yourrelationship, whatever that
looks like, whether it's makingsomething different for dinner
or choosing to spend some timewith a friend when usually you
would spend time with thatperson, or maybe for a short
(06:47):
period of time, visiting thatperson less frequently, but
explaining to them that this isjust something you need to do
for a period of time and thatyou don't really need to go into
the why you're making thischange, because that's where
things can get a little stickyand I'm going to talk about two
different kinds of detachment.
I'm going to talk aboutphysical separation detachment.
I'm going to talk aboutemotional detachment.
(07:09):
My biggest lesson withdetachment was with my father.
He had lived in an assistednursing facility for about six
years and this was during a timewhere his health was really
poor and he's had multiplesclerosis my whole life and he
(07:29):
needed to go into assistedliving because my mom was having
to call 911 almost every singlenight because he had memory
issues and he would take toomuch of his medication and he'd
overdose and he would be on thefloor and my mom wasn't able to
lift him or wake him up and soshe'd have to call the
paramedics.
And this was happening sofrequently that my parents
(07:50):
insurance was threatening todrop my father from the
insurance because of all ofthese visits to their house and
how much it was costing.
And then my mom also was havingto work at the time like 40, 50
, 60 hours a week to try to keepthem afloat and she wasn't able
to stay home and care for himand she wasn't able to afford
(08:14):
bringing in somebody because itwas very expensive and they
didn't have that money.
Doctor wanted him to go intoassisted living, and this was
very hard for my family to letmy dad go into assisted living
because if you're familiar withthese places, they aren't great.
But somebody was watching overhim 24 hours and he was much
(08:36):
safer in that facility and helived there for six years and
after my mom passed away he hadbeen dating people on Facebook
and online and or trying to datepeople online, and you know we
all want companionship.
That's completely understandable.
More power to him.
My father is amazing in thesense of like, when he sets his
(08:58):
mind to something he goes afterit.
But anyways, I believe thestory goes like this.
It may or may not be slightlydifferent, but he met a woman
online, and not as a romanticperson, but to be his caretaker,
and she started taking him todoctor's appointments that were
(09:22):
further away, because he wouldgo see specialists that were
like an hour and a half, twohours away.
And this woman wanted to moveto Napa and move my father in
with her in Napa, because that'swhere I live and she lives in a
different county and anyways,it didn't work out that they
(09:44):
could get an apartment here formultiple reasons it was too
expensive and so she ended upmoving him a couple hours away
to live with her.
So let me set the stage for youAt this time.
It was just a couple monthsafter my house burned down in
2017.
And in the past, when somethingwent wrong with my father, it
(10:08):
would fall on me.
I was the person who would haveto clean up the mess and I was
the primary caretaker.
So, as you can imagine, I wasnot too thrilled about this idea
.
He had lived in a nursing homefor six years.
He had met this woman online.
I did not know her.
Honestly, at the time I did notcare to get to know her.
I did not have the bandwidth orthe energy to quote unquote
(10:32):
deal with this.
But my father is an adult andhe wanted to move there.
And my brother I have a sibling,a brother and he was on board
with this and I have had peoplewho have supported me through
all of my big changes emotionaland physical in my life.
(10:53):
I have always had somebody tocoach me, mentor me and help me,
because for me it's reallyimportant to have that outside
help to help me see situationsdifferently.
And it was suggested to me todetach physically from the
(11:13):
situation if my father decidedto move in with this woman and
let me tell you that was thebest thing I ever did for our
relationship.
My father decided to move inwith this woman.
My brother agreed to pick upthe pieces if it fell apart, and
at the time if I was a bettingperson I would have bet that it
would fall apart, and guess whatit didn't.
(11:36):
He's been living there forseveral years now and he moved
there and ended up thriving.
His health became much better.
He started going to physicaltherapy and he was wheelchair
bound.
He started walking again, butthe deal was when he moved that
I said I wasn't going to talk tohim for three months and I
(11:57):
needed that physical separationfor my own well-being.
And saying that to my father wasone of the hardest things I've
ever done.
And I said it in a very kind,compassionate way.
I did not say this is yourfault, you're doing this to me.
I did not use any language likethat.
I said you know what?
(12:18):
I understand why you want to dothis and I can't be present for
this in case it doesn't workout.
And he could admit that therewas a chance that it wouldn't
work out and I said I'm justgoing to have to not talk to you
for the next three months.
I hope this goes well for youand when three months goes by,
(12:38):
then I can talk to you again.
And three months went by and itwas really uncomfortable because
I had this really uncomfortableaha moment where I realized I
was not as important in theequation as I thought I was.
He ended up, as I said,thriving from this move which,
(13:01):
you know, it did not seem likethat was going to be the case at
the time, especially from mypast experience with my father,
and I am so glad I let him makethat decision.
I am so glad I detached, I'm soglad I stepped back, because he
would have never had thatopportunity if I would have
(13:22):
inserted myself and said I knowwhat's best for you.
You know, and I mean it wasjust a miracle and it still is a
miracle today.
Like I said, they've beenliving together symbiotically
for several years.
It works out for them and mydad's had a much better life and
I had so many reasons to beinvolved and to insert myself in
(13:45):
the name of his safety.
And physically, detachingchanged our relationship.
We used to have a much moretumultuous relationship.
Now we have a very positiverelationship.
Every time I talk to him welaugh.
We rarely have conflict anymore, and it was because of that big
move which was so uncomfortable.
(14:07):
My wellbeing used to be soattached to his wellbeing and
how he was doing, and today itis not, and it has become so
much better for the both of us.
And so sometimes to restart apattern in an unhealthy
relationship, you need to stepback.
You really need to detach for aperiod of time not forever,
(14:30):
just for a period of time sothat you can shift your
perspective.
You can shift those patternsthat you're experiencing in the
relationship that you don't wantto continue, the ones that
aren't serving you or the otherperson.
And I took that time to reallylook at my part, what I could
change on my side of therelationship, because, as you
(14:52):
know, we can't control otherpeople.
All we can control is ourself.
And when you take that space,that time, to rearrange your
perspective and to do someinternal work and investigate,
you know where is that fearcoming from, where is that
control coming from, where isthat need to do everything and
take on so much responsibilitycoming from?
(15:12):
When you do that investigativework, you transform, and by
transforming your own internalself you can transform the
relationship and therelationship, the new
relationship that comes fromthat may not be what you thought
it would be.
For a long time I thought myperfect relationship with my
(15:34):
father would be when he's ableto do all of these quote-unquote
dad things, when really myperfect relationship with my
father is a place of acceptancewith him, accepting him as who
he is, doing the best he canright now.
And that came throughdetachment, the physical
(15:55):
separation, and now I'm going toshare with you about emotional
detachment, because this lastyear has been a strong year for
practicing emotional detachment.
My husband was in paramedicschool and he also worked as a
firefighter for several monthsand there was a particular span
(16:18):
of time in which he was doingboth and he was under so much
pressure.
But he was coming home everysingle night for the most part
and I had to emotionallyseparate and detach from him
because he was going through hisown thing and if I was taking
what he was going through on orpersonally, or trying to
(16:42):
rearrange my life to make hislife more convenient, it was
just causing more and morefriction in our relationship,
causing more and more frictionin our relationship, and so
emotional detachment looked likefilling my cup without needing
him so much, making sure Iwasn't taking his stuff
personally which was easier todo if I wasn't taking on all of
(17:07):
the responsibility either and sowhat that looked like was
spending time with people whosupported me and getting my
needs filled elsewhere becausehe was tapped out.
He honestly did not have theenergy to give to the
relationship, and that's notcondemning him or judging him
(17:29):
for that.
He was just in a very stressfultime in life in which all the
energy he had had to go to thisone goal for a season so that he
could get through it.
So I just had to use otherresources in my life to meet my
needs, and the separation we hadduring this time emotionally,
because we were still living inthe same house ended up bringing
(17:52):
us closer together because wewere still living in the same
house ended up bringing uscloser together and it made us
grateful to spend time with eachother when we could.
And once again, it made it sothat we weren't bringing in a
bunch of negative emotions afterthe season had passed.
And I see this same benefithappen with others when they're
stuck in a cycle with theirsignificant other or their
(18:12):
family, where there's a lot oftension or a lot of resentment,
it can be very beneficial topull back emotionally to
reconnect with yourself, toreconnect with other people who
can support you as you workthrough the emotions you're
having, as you dig deeper intowhy you're having these emotions
(18:35):
, because they're not going tojust pass on their own with a
little bit of time and a littlebit of separation or an
emotional disconnect which canshow up as being very cold if
you're not doing the internalwork, if you're not looking at
your own stuff and wondering.
You know, why am I having thesefeelings?
What is this situation bringingup in my life?
(18:55):
So emotional detachment is moreabout getting your needs met
elsewhere and you're keeping thepeace, but not sacrificing your
own needs or your own wellbeing, because you've identified
where you can find those outletsto recharge you.
You don't need the other personto change or be something else.
(19:16):
Once again, you're finding thatacceptance with who they are
and where they're at in liferight now.
And what I found in life isthat when we bring that
acceptance to a relationship, itchanges our relationship with
others Because just on anenergetic level, you can feel if
somebody has expectations ofyou or not, and when you drop
(19:36):
those expectations, an opennessreplaces that tension.
But something to pay attentionto here is that you really have
to do that internal work, alongwith the detachment, and this
makes me think of a tool that Ireally love.
It's called the three C's Cnumber one, you didn't cause it.
C number two you can't cure it.
(19:58):
And C number three you can'tcontrol it.
And when I'm feeling overlyinvolved with someone else, I
run this little checklistthrough my mind Am I trying to
control them?
Am I trying to fix thesituation?
Do I feel responsible like Icaused it?
Because we truly aren'tresponsible for anyone but
ourselves.
(20:18):
And when doing that internalwork, try to investigate any
fears you may have that arecoming up.
Are you afraid that if youdetach physically or emotionally
, that you'll be seen as meancold, or that you're not loving
or caring, that you're not aquote-unquote good daughter or a
good partner?
But then I beg you to considerif sacrificing your own wants,
(20:44):
energy, needs and desires isloving, and is this really
making you who you want to be inyour life?
Is this helping you show up asthe person that you want to be
towards others.
And when you do this internalwork, you're able to show up for
others in such a more profoundway.
You're able to truly be helpfulto others instead of having a
(21:09):
hidden agenda when helpingothers.
Because, if you are like me, fora long time I needed to be
needed by others to feel worthy,to feel lovable, to feel like I
mattered.
And that icky stickinessattached to my helping created
unhealthy relationships in mylife.
(21:29):
And at the time I didn't knowwhy I kept on finding myself in
unhealthy relationships.
I was like I'm responsible foreverything, like, why is it
going so wrong?
And it's because it wasn't arelationship.
There wasn't that trust, therewasn't that balance and there
was an attachment to needing tobe needed to be worthy of love,
(21:52):
instead of having faith that Iwas enough, that what I was
doing in the relationship wasenough, that it didn't need to
be perfect, that I didn't needto be everything to everyone.
And if I wasn't everything toeveryone, it also didn't mean I
was going to lose the person.
And, like I said, when you'remaking a shift in your
(22:12):
relationship, it's important tocommunicate the shift and not go
into the why.
Just say that you're changingthe status quo, that you're
trying something different for alittle while here and you know
if they don't react the way youwant them to, it's important to
just do your best to let thatroll off your shoulders, because
(22:34):
you can't control somebodyelse's actions or reactions.
You can't control how they'regoing to respond to you.
You just need to do what's bestfor you and the rest will fall
into place afterwards.
That is like the first thingyou got to do.
The first step you got to takeis just finding out what you
need.
You got to take is just findingout what you need, what is
(22:59):
going to help you heal, and notworrying about the other person
as much, even though that can bevery hard to do, because you
know, if you're a lot, if you'relike some of the people I work
with, you worry a lot aboutothers, and it's because you're
very caring, but that canbackfire on you.
So, really encouraging you totake back your power, see what
you need, really check in withthat.
(23:19):
Now I'm going to guide youthrough an exercise that you can
practice right here, right now,no matter what you're doing,
even if you're driving, you'rewalking, whatever you're doing I
want you to just follow methrough this little simple
exercise.
So first take a couple slow,deep breaths.
(23:41):
Connect with your breath.
Connecting with your breathcalms your nervous system.
Connecting with your breathcalms your nervous system and
brings your awareness back toyour body, back to yourself.
And then I want you to imaginethat you have a bubble around
(24:07):
you.
It can be a clear bubble, itcan have a color, it can be
form-fitting.
It can be a color, it can beform-fitting, it can be a circle
, and I want you to imagine thatall of the energy within the
bubble is your energy and otherpeople's energy can't get into
(24:28):
the bubble.
I also want you to imagine thatyou're calling back all of your
energy from wherever it may bescattered throughout the world.
Maybe you left some energy in apast conversation.
Maybe you left some energy atwork.
Maybe you left some energy atthe grocery store, wherever it
(24:53):
is.
Imagine calling it back.
And I want you to think of thatenergy as a color.
Imagine that color filling upthe bubble.
Imagine that color filling upthe bubble, and that bubble is
(25:15):
your space.
It is your safety, yoursecurity and it is filled with
love and your energy.
And take a deep breath intothis feeling, into this space,
(25:50):
and know that you can carry thisprotective bubble with you
wherever you go throughout yourday.
Make sure to ground your energyin this bubble, in this space.
Before having a challengingconversation, before interacting
with somebody who triggers you,remember to call your energy
back and that this is accessibleto you at any time.
Yes, you can do this during aseated meditation or when lying
(26:16):
down, but you can also do itthrough your day.
If you feel a little bitstressed or overwhelmed, just
call back your energy.
Imagine that bubble around youand imagine that you're safe and
secure within your space andthat no one can take this away
from you.
Just take a deep breath intothat.
(26:37):
All right, that's the shortlittle guided exercise that you
can take with you wherever yougo.
Also, I have created a freeonline series called Stepping
Off the Chaos Roller CoasterThree Simple Steps for Anxiety
Relief, where I share anothersimple practice that you can use
(27:01):
when you know you're going tohave to spend some time with
someone who triggers you,because, if you are like me, the
more tools the better, and, asan introvert and an empathetic
person, it's easy for me to gointo fix-it mode or take on
other people's stress or want tokeep the peace at all costs,
but the right tools make it sothat you no longer have to
(27:23):
sacrifice your needs andwell-being to keep the peace.
You can have the best of bothworlds.
You can have a peacefulrelationship and peace of mind
and in stepping off the chaosroller coaster.
I also share two otherpractices for stress relief and
I include a free anxiety reliefguided meditation, because, I'm
(27:46):
sure you can agree, you can'tchange what happens day to day,
but with a little practice youcan change how you react to life
when life happens, and I'll addthe link to that in the show
notes and you can also find itat mrs-hardcom.
Thank you so much for joiningme and for connecting with me
(28:07):
today and for making me a partof your spiritual journey.
I am abundantly grateful to beon this ride with you and if you
want to come say hi, you canfind me on Instagram at mrshard
underscore times no more or onFacebook.
(28:28):
Look me up, mrs Hard.
So until next time, take care.
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