July 25, 2024 • 33 mins
In 2016, I had a wild adventure on the Pacific Crest Trail that led me to start my own business. I elaborate on this unexpected event in this podcast episode.
The short story is that burnout from pushing too hard on the trail ultimately led me to start my first business as a massage therapist.
Being in business has brought up many parts of myself that have been hard to look at: anxiety, perfectionism, self-worth issues, codependence, and other unexpected challenges.
Though it’s been a journey, working through these issues has enhanced my relationship with myself, allowed me to care for others without sacrificing my own needs, and taught me not to place my worth on the success or challenges of my business or the well-being of others.
To be honest, these issues still come up from time to time.
As I’m writing this email, I just finished an impromptu coffee date with Lisa, a facilitator at the EmpowerHer workshop last Sunday, and took a nap in my office. I was feeling uninspired and a bit tired, and I had a 3-hour break before my next client. There was a time in my business when my schedule was so full that I didn’t have room to breathe, to be flexible, and to wander around Jefferies General. I would have been too worried about getting it all done and doing it perfectly to allow myself to take my mind off of my to-do’s and rest to reset and reignite my inspiration.
But not today, and that is thanks to the internal work that my business pushed me to do.
So, if you are a business owner, entrepreneur, caregiver, or simply the woman who does it all for everyone, you will find this episode valuable.
In this episode, we’ll talk about:
>> How managing anxiety can be challenging, especially when it comes to balancing your business (caring for others) and personal life.
>> The importance of creating healthy boundaries, practicing detachment, and bringing in some good self-care—practices that are essential for a balanced and fulfilling life.
>> Embracing your self-worth and cultivating the confidence needed to shine in all areas of your life. Including how to get inspired when you are in a funk and feel empowered to make time for more joy.
Plus, I’ll share some effective stress-relief practices to help you find calm amidst the chaos.
Tune in to learn how to transform your anxiety into confidence and live a more balanced life.
Website: Mrs-Hard.com
Instagram: Mrs.Hard_TimesNoMore
Facebook: Mrs.Hard
Discover how to step off the chaos roller coaster and finally have peace of mind.
Sign up for my free 3-day coaching series—Stepping Off The Chaos Roller Coaster: 3 Simple Steps For Anxiety Relief
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome Hard, aka Mrs Hard, and
this is Hard Times no More, apodcast for people who are tired
of struggling with boundaries,people-pleasing and relationship
problems.
I have overcome some hard times.
Within three years, I stoppeddrinking, my mom died of cancer
and my house burnt down in aCalifornia wildfire, and those
(00:22):
are just the highlights.
I have a lot of reasons to bemiserable, but I'm not.
The truth is, life was morechallenging before these events
happened.
If you are tired of waiting foryour circumstances to change to
find happiness and peace ofmind, you are in the right place
.
Join me as I share the tools Iuse in love to transform
(00:43):
challenges into assets andinterview others about their
relationship journeys.
Together, let's learn how tohave a happy life full of
healthy, meaningfulrelationships and say goodbye to
hard times for good.
Hey there, welcome to the HardTimes no More Relationship
(01:04):
Podcast.
I'm Alessandra Tolomey Hart,aka Mrs Hart, your host.
So last Sunday, lisa Fonvillefrom Hemlock House Photography,
sakan Nek, who's also aphotographer and a tea guru, and
myself hosted the Empower HerBusiness Babes Workshop, and our
(01:26):
theme was embracing your worthand cultivating confidence, and
I took participants through apractice to relieve anxiety.
And whether you were at theworkshop or you want to catch us
next time.
Today on the podcast, I'm goingto share the talk that I did
there and dive into how you canuse this practice not only to
(01:49):
relieve anxiety around yourbusiness, but also how to use
this practice in yourrelationships and to relieve
anxiety you have within yourself.
And what I mean about relievinganxiety with yourself is how to
become easier on yourself,release perfectionism and
release the shoulda couldawouldas.
And this podcast episode isgoing to take a couple of twists
(02:12):
and turns because I want todive more into the story that
brought me to how I started myown business.
So I don't think many peopleknow this story, but back in
2016, I was five months soberand one of my dreams for a long
time had been to hike thePacific Crest Trail.
(02:34):
If you don't know what thePacific Crest Trail is, it's a
trail that starts on the borderof Mexico and California and
ends on the border of Washingtonand Canada, and I believe the
trail is about 2,600 miles.
So I just looked it up and thetrail is 2,650 miles, so very
close.
And if you've seen the movieWild, it's based on this woman
(02:57):
hiking parts of the PacificCrest Trail, and hundreds to
thousands of people definitelyin the thousands hike this trail
every year, and a lot of themstart out with the intention of
starting in Mexico, on theborder of Mexico and California,
and hiking the entire trail.
But life happens, and I think asmall percentage of those
(03:20):
people who start out to do theentire thing make it through,
because it's very challenging tobe out there for three to six
months backpacking.
So young Mrs Hard in her 20salways had aspirations to do
things like hiking the PacificCrest Trail or traveling and
having unique, intenseexperiences.
(03:40):
That's what I used to be drawnto, and for years I thought I
was going to hike the wholething, but I could never get my
life together, never get enoughmoney together or get enough
time off work or you name it tomake it happen.
But in 2016, I decided to justhike a portion, and so my
original intention was to end inTahoe and I ended up ending in
(04:02):
Bakersfield, which was still 470miles that I hiked and 620
something ish trail miles, andthere's trail closures on parts
of it, and so that's why I havea different number for how many
I hiked versus how many miles Itraveled on the Pacific
Crossrail and a friend of minehitchhiked a little bit of it
(04:26):
too, and so I'm just keeping ithonest, keeping it real I did
like 470 miles of 600 andsomething.
So this all ties into how mybusiness started, I promise, and
I'm going to get into that now.
So I was about two weeks in andI had received the trail name
Crush.
A lot of people receive a trailname on the Pacific Crush Trail
(04:51):
and on the Appalachian Trailand somebody gives you your
trail name and I had met thisgirl a couple days into my
journey and she was such a fasthiker and her trail name I gave
to her the Breeze, because shejust hiked so fast, so
effortlessly and she did so manymiles each day and the Breeze
and I became friends and I lovedhow many miles the Breeze was
(05:14):
hiking.
I thought it was very excitingto hike like close to 30 miles a
day, and so I ended up gettinga lot of blisters on my feet
because I was hiking in SouthernCalifornia through the desert
and my feet had swelled to liketwo times the size and we had
made friends with two otherpeople and the breeze and these
(05:34):
two other people had gone upahead of me because I needed to
take a day's rest in Idlewild,california, to get new shoes and
let my blisters start to heal.
So I got back on trail in thedesert and I was trying to catch
up with them.
So I was really pushing myselfand I was doing 30 mile days,
(05:57):
which are big days, out thereand you're carrying a pack, you
carry six liters of waterbecause you don't know where
your next water will be, andit's a whole thing.
And so, needless to say, acouple days into hiking like
that, I got burnt out and I hadmade it to this infamous
(06:18):
McDonald's at Cajon Pass and Iwas all ready to get a motel
room which even the likegrimiest motels seemed like
heaven when you've beenbackpacking for several days.
So I got my McDonald's and Iwent to the motel and all of the
rooms were taken and I aboutlost it because I was tired,
(06:43):
burnt out, fatigued, probably alittle dehydrated, all of the
above, and I just started cryingin the lobby and the details
are a little fuzzy, but Iremember that there was another
hiker there and I had seen himon the trail a couple of days
before and he was traveling soloand he had been camping by
(07:05):
himself and he said hey, my roomhas two beds.
Do you want to share a roomwith me?
And I remember looking at himand doing a scan of like is this
person a creeper or not?
And my gut told me that he wassafe, that he wasn't going to
hurt me.
And luckily, my gut was rightand he suggested that, while we
(07:26):
wait for his room, we go getsome food, because the food
always helps when you're havinga nervous breakdown and you've
been backpacking for multipledays.
So we went to Del Taco nextdoor and I got a burrito with
French fries in it.
It was amazing.
And then the room was ready andI got some sleep and I took a
(07:46):
nap and he told me you know, mywife and I have a deal that,
like, anytime I really want toquit, I have to wait two days.
And if I still want to quit intwo days, she said she'll pick
me up, she'll help me get homeimmediately.
But I have to give myself thatspace, that two day period, to
make sure I really want to getoff trail, because everybody has
days that they don't want to beon the trail, just like with
(08:08):
whatever life path you're onwith your work, even if you're
passionate about it, there'sdays you don't want to do it and
it just means that maybe youneed to get a burrito from Del
Taco with some french fries init and take a nap and then
revisit your situation later,because when I woke up I felt so
much better.
And my friend who his trail namelater became Detail it was a
(08:33):
different trail name At first.
His trail name was Medicine man, but he wanted to change it
because there's multiplemedicine mans on trail and
people always thought he waslike slinging drugs or something
because his name was Medicineman and he was very detail
oriented.
So that's how his trail namebecame Detail.
And my trail name was Crush,because I like to crush miles
(08:54):
and the breeze had given me thattrail name days before.
Anyways, the breeze was aheadof me, still with our two
friends, but I started hikingwith Detail and I started hiking
at Detail's pace and we werehiking like 10 to 15 miles per
day, which I totally needed, andwe had a lot of time to chat.
(09:16):
And on one of the days we werehiking he asked me why I didn't
have my own business.
At the time I was doing massagetherapy at a really nice spa in
the Napa Valley and I waswaiting tables at a restaurant.
I was on call at both places,so I had a flexible schedule and
I had a couple of other oddjobs and I was only a massage
(09:36):
therapist, not a wellness coachyet, and I said there's no way,
I want to start my own business.
Both of my parents had theirown businesses and had so many
financial problems and I sawthem working like 60, 80 hours a
week.
They were miserable and I wasso scared that that would be me.
Detail had his own and stillhas his own electrician business
(10:01):
.
I believe, if he's listening,and I have that wrong, sorry
electrician business.
I believe, if he's listening,and I have that wrong, sorry.
And his wife at the time had adance studio that was very
successful where she taught Nia,which is a form of movement
that gets your heart rate goingand a lot of women really loved
(10:22):
it, especially in her area.
And his wife is an Aries.
I'm an Aries and so I'mparaphrasing because it was a
very long time ago, but what Iremember him saying was
something along the lines ofyou're an Aries, you'll do great
in business, and watching yourparents made it so that you
learned a lot of lessons and youwon't make the same mistakes as
them.
Trust me.
(10:42):
And I don't know if it was ahigher power moment or what it
was, but I totally trusted him.
And for the next two days wetalked all about what it looks
like to start a business andwhat I would have to do.
That's how I remember it.
And then we started hiking 30miles a day through the Mojave
Desert, because we switched fromdetail pace to crush pace.
(11:05):
And that was a hilariousexperience, because we were only
hiking at night because theMojave was so hot and we just
wanted to get through the dangdesert.
And then we stopped our journeyat Lake Isabella, so that 470
miles was a wild ride.
And in that process I decidedto start my own business.
And when I came back, in typicalAries fashion, I started
(11:29):
renting an office within twoweeks and got a business license
.
At first I rented the officeonly one day a week, on Mondays,
from another massage therapist.
Serendipitously, when I cameback from my trip, she proposed
this idea to me.
So the universe was conspiringto help me start my own business
.
And then I started doing chairmassage at the farmer's market,
(11:51):
and every time I went to thefarmer's market, I didn't care
about how many people I massagedor how much money I made at the
farmer's market.
My goal was to get one newclient from the farmer's market
into my practice.
And then my practice grew andgrew and grew and I changed
office locations and rented aspace in which I could practice
four days a week and at the timeI was still working two other
(12:15):
jobs on call and I was doingmassage therapy and I wasn't
charging nearly enough for mymassage therapy sessions,
because if you're a businessowner and you're listening, you
will relate.
Setting my prices felt like Iwas putting a dollar sign
directly on me and it wasterrifying and uncomfortable and
(12:37):
completely challenged myself-worth.
Because, side note, starting abusiness was really exciting but
I totally underestimated howmany of my own insecurities
would come up.
And through business I havefound the opportunity not always
the most comfortableopportunity, but the opportunity
(12:58):
to work on a lot of myinsecurities, because if you own
your own business, you knowthat it is an extension of you
and it challenges a lot of yourself-worth.
So setting my prices wasincredibly uncomfortable.
Asking clients to rebook made mefeel like a sleazy sales person
I was obviously offering themsomething they did not want.
(13:21):
That is what my mind told me,and so I would have to go into
what I call robot mode, where Iwould just say, like, would you
like to reschedule?
And just say it.
And it was so uncomfortable tojust say it, but I just had to
say it and that was reallyhelpful.
And a practitioner that Ireally look up to, dr Debbie
Victoria Seal.
She told me that as apractitioner, you're not fully
(13:44):
supporting your clients if youare not asking them to rebook,
if you're not helping them stayaccountable to their own
well-being and self-care process, which they're receiving
through you.
So thank you, dr Debbie.
That was very helpful.
So I did that and I also wouldway overbook myself between my
(14:05):
two other jobs and doing massagetherapy and it would completely
burn me out because I would beanxious the night before about
how much work I'd scheduled thenext day.
But I didn't feel like I couldsay no to any opportunities or
anyone because I might miss outor I might not get the clients
or the full practice that Ireally want.
But, plot twist, what ended upreally helping my business was
(14:28):
creating boundaries, because myboundaries attracted the clients
I wanted because I was valuingmy time and people can sense
that on an energetic level toput yourself first by taking
days off and creating the timeyou need in your schedule and
(14:51):
then booking around.
That it is, in my experience,the best way to do business,
because then you're taking careof yourself first, which is
allowing you to show up as yourfull, best, bright self in that
moment, on that day.
You don't have to be perfect,just showing up as your shiny
self and able to support yourclients in such a healthier way.
(15:16):
And some people they findrelief through hiring out
certain things and tasks thatthey don't want to do so that
they can make more time forthemselves.
But it's so important if youhave your own business or this
can be applied to if you're acaretaker or you have a very
demanding job and you're able tocreate some flexibility in your
(15:37):
schedule.
Don't let your mind tell youcan't.
You can find a way to do it.
I believe that that's possible.
But anyways, when you make thistime for yourself first,
everyone wins.
So what I've learned on thisbusiness journey with my first
business Unwind Mind, body, soulis that my business successes
(15:58):
and challenges do not define me.
So one of my favorite practicesis the practice of detachment.
Practicing detachment meansthat your business, successes
and challenges do not defineyour self-worth.
Your business is not supposedto validate you.
Other people are not supposedto validate you.
(16:19):
For example, if you're in arelationship and you want your
partner to tell you that you'resmart and pretty and successful
all the time, but you don'tbelieve that about yourself,
those words will be empty.
They will never mean anythinguntil you believe it about
yourself first.
Also, if you're waiting foreverything to be peaceful in
(16:43):
your business life, for yourbusiness to reach a certain
level of success, for somethingto happen, for you to have peace
, that's also not going to befulfilling.
Just like if you're in achaotic relationship and you're
telling yourself you know, oncethis person I love finally takes
care of themselves and is ableto take themselves to their own
(17:06):
doctor's appointments and leavethe house and take a shower and
eat all the vegetables, then mylife will be peaceful.
Whenever you place your peaceoutside of yourself, you cannot
accomplish peace.
And the same goes for havingyour own business and wanting
your business to be the thingthat allows you to accept peace
(17:28):
into your life.
You can have peace.
It's constantly waiting for you, but it's an inside job and
when you work on that peacewithin then approach your
business or your relationshipwithout expectations.
That is when everything fallsinto place.
It may feel a little bitbackwards, but trust me, when
you want peace in your life, youhave to go within.
(17:50):
You can't wait till your job ismore stable, until your
business is more successful,till your relationship is more
fulfilling.
You have to find it from withinfirst.
And let's say you've lost yourpassion for your business and
you're in a creative rut.
Taking care of yourself,putting yourself first,
detaching from your business andyou're in a creative rut.
Taking care of yourself,putting yourself first,
detaching from your business,will allow you to access
(18:14):
creativity because you'll beable to fill your cup.
And when you're feelinguninspired, that's really a red
flag just warning you thatyou're depleted and that you
need to shift your focus for alittle bit.
Maybe take a trip, maybe get amassage, maybe go shopping or do
something that inspires you.
And sometimes it's somethingthat's not related to your
(18:35):
business in any way, not relatedto whatever you're struggling
with, but just something thatbrings you joy.
And if you're not sure what itis that brings you joy if you've
lost contact and connectionwith that.
This is the universe beckoningyou to discover what lights you
up.
So many people spend their wholelife pushing and pushing,
(18:56):
believing that you don't deserveto take time for yourself
unless you have been pushing,unless things have been
challenging, have been hard.
You have to earn it.
But that is not true, my friend.
You can take time for yourself.
You can do things that lightyou up, like gardening or
(19:17):
painting or spending time withyour kids, making those things a
priority.
They don't have to dominate thewhole day and your whole work
schedule, but taking enough timeto find fulfillment and joy
through the things you love willmake it so that everything else
flows.
I promise, I promise, promise,promise, because the excitement
(19:38):
that you'll feel, the joy thatyou'll, that you'll feel
afterwards, the fulfillment thatyou'll feel, will attract the
clients that you want into yourbusiness.
It will attract the healthierrelationships, the healthier
interactions within therelationships you already have.
That is why self-care can be sounderestimated.
(19:59):
People can be like, yeah, yeah,self-care, bubble baths,
whatever, but it's like no, likewe're here to have an
experience, joy, and we don'thave to do hard things to have
permission to have goodexperiences.
So that's my little soapboxrant about self-care.
So diving in to detachment alittle further.
(20:19):
Detachment doesn't mean youdon't care and you're not
committed.
It doesn't mean that you don'tcare about the person or your
business.
If you practice detachment.
Detachment means creatinghealthy boundaries so that your
business or your relationshipdoesn't dominate your life, your
(20:40):
emotions, your family time,your self-worth.
And practicing detachmentallows you to view challenges
and success with a more balancedperspective, preventing anxiety
and burnout, and it allows youto make clear decisions, have
greater creativity and a moresustainable approach to
(21:03):
entrepreneurship and your life.
Detachment is truly amazing.
Can you feel it?
I can feel it, and so the brasstacks how to practice
detachment boundaries having setdays for certain things.
You know I have two businessesmassage therapy, which I have, a
(21:26):
weightless practice.
I'm very grateful for that.
And then wellness coaching, andthat includes one-on-one
coaching, workshops, retreats,this podcast, social media, so
many things.
So there are certain days thatI do certain things.
That helps me stay organized.
It helps me have enough time togo for really long walks in the
(21:49):
morning and to take naps.
I've been a big napper lately.
I've been really enjoying it.
It allows me ample time tomeditate in the morning, where I
get super pumped and inspiredand it allows me to meet friends
for coffee, you know, do allthe things that I love.
And then having my own practiceand setting my own schedules in
(22:13):
both businesses I can also taketime off with my husband when I
want and I just plan ahead.
So schedules really work for meand that organization really
works for me.
Another part of detachment thatmay be hard to hear at first is
letting go of clients'experiences and outcomes, and
(22:35):
I'm going to speak just to thebusiness owners right now
because, as a business owner,you may feel like what?
That doesn't make any sense.
Of course I'm responsible fortheir experience and outcome.
That's why they're coming to me.
Responsible for theirexperience and outcome.
That's why they're coming to me.
In my experience, you are notresponsible for anyone's
experience or outcome.
And let me tell you why.
(22:57):
I can show up as my best self,providing the best service I can
.
Let's say, with massage therapy, somebody comes in, they have
sciatica and I have tools andmethods to help treat sciatica
and I go through all of theprotocols that I have and the
client doesn't like the way Ipractice.
(23:17):
I practice orthopedic massage,so clients leave their clothes
on and they participate in thetherapy like physical therapy,
and it's not some people's jam.
Some people would prefer tojust be completely passive
during their massage, which is100% okay, and maybe, for
(23:37):
whatever reason, the protocolI'm using doesn't work on this
client because it's just notjiving with them.
But I showed up as my best self.
Maybe they didn't have the bestexperience, even though I would
have, ahead of time, told themwhat the experience would be
like and done my best.
But there's no way that I canbe responsible for their
(23:59):
experience and their outcome.
When I show up as my best self,giving their appointment all of
the time it needs, all theattention it needs, they can
still have an experience inwhich they decide not to come
back and work with me as apractitioner, and so letting go
of other people's experiencesand outcomes doesn't mean that
you're just throwing in thetowel and being like whatever
(24:19):
happens happens.
You're focusing on what you cancontrol.
You know your timing, the toolsyou use, the level of
excitement and the level ofenergy that you show up with,
the work that you're doing onyourself to keep yourself clear
and creative and passionateabout what you're doing.
You can control how you talkabout your practice.
(24:42):
What you say to clients havingset hours that you want to
connect and talk with clients isalso a big one.
Like, I don't respond to emailsand text messages at night
after I'm done working, I let itwait till the next morning.
And on my contact page I evenhave a little clause that it
takes 72 hours for me to reachback out to somebody sometimes.
And on my contact page I evenhave a little clause that it
takes 72 hours for me to reachback out to somebody sometimes.
(25:04):
And that is to give me space sothat if it's not a good time to
talk in my life, that that'sokay.
You know, I'm going to show upfor that phone call, for that
email, when I'm my best,brightest self and focusing on
how you feel about therelationship or your business.
You know, are you taking enoughtime to replenish your cup so
that you can practice detachmentand be in a loving state and or
(25:29):
neutral?
Because I love the phrasedetach with love and if you
can't detach with love, justdetach, so you don't have to be
perfect at it.
And I said I would talk alittle bit about detaching from
your own self and I'm sure youcan already see how this would
apply.
But if you're beating yourselfup internally, it's time to
(25:52):
detach from that inner narrative.
I have a podcast episode wayback about naming your inner
critic and I touched on that inepisode eight, titled Healing
from the Loneliness Epidemic,and I also talk about that in
the how to Be your Own BestFriend workshop that I host
every once in a while and I maybe hosting in the fall again,
(26:14):
but anyways, there's so muchvalue in naming your inner
critic to separate it fromyourself, and that's a way of
practicing detachment knowingthat the negative narrative that
you are telling yourself inyour mind isn't who you truly
are.
And sometimes it feels like youcan't control your thoughts.
And when you can't control yourthoughts, practice detachment,
(26:38):
and what that looks like is justbeing like.
Okay, for just this minute, I'mgoing to treat my negative
inner narrative like a smallchild.
I'm going to have compassionfor it instead of internalizing
it and taking it as truth.
I'm going to say you know, Iknow you're frustrated right now
.
This is you talking to yourself.
(26:58):
I know you're angry.
I know you just want myattention or you want to help me
in some weird way, and thankyou for the opportunity and for
trying to tell me something, butthis isn't really helpful right
now, and so you can continuetalking, but I'm not going to
(27:20):
buy into this or however youwould like to say that.
But you can practice not takingyourself so seriously and
detaching from your ownnarrative if you're beating
yourself up.
Because what benefit doesbeating yourself up do?
Are you actually better atanything when you do that?
No, you just feel like crap do.
(27:41):
Are you actually better atanything when you do that?
No, you just feel like crap.
And so, if you find yourselfdoing that, take a pause and, as
I've talked about before, pausecan stand for.
Postpone action until serenityemerges.
Take a nap, eat some Del Tacoand then revisit the situation.
Try to distract yourself.
You can also focus on somethingyou love to do instead, like
(28:02):
gardening, getting your handsinto the earth, feeling grounded
.
You could do a meditation.
You could listen to a guidedmeditation I've recorded, if you
sign up for Stepping Off theChaos Rollercoaster, three
Simple Steps for Anxiety Relief.
I have a free anxiety reliefmeditation in there.
You can look up on YouTube forguided meditations.
(28:24):
There's so many ways that youcan do something simple that
doesn't take a lot of time toshift your perspective so that
you become kinder to yourself,because the kinder you are to
yourself, the more compassionateyou are to yourself, the more
kind and compassionate you willbe to others.
And there's just a couple ofother things I wanna jump back
to.
Of what you can't controlOthers' thoughts, feelings,
(28:47):
opinions, others' experiencesand outcomes.
I love that one, it's true.
Don't listen to your innernarrative if it's telling you
it's not.
And you can't control theeconomy in the world.
You know, snap your fingers ifyou believe you can't control
the world today.
I mean, we all know that.
(29:07):
But what you can control isyour relationship with yourself,
how you care for yourself.
You can get that going in apositive direction.
Create positive momentum withthat.
Create positive momentum withthat, and that will ripple into
the pond of the universe andbring more positive interactions
(29:27):
into your life and help youfeel more peace within.
So detachment asks you to take astep back and take a deep
breath and remember that yoursuccess, your self-worth as a
person, does not solely comefrom the success of your
business, your relationship orother people.
Embracing this practice willallow for clear decision-making,
(29:51):
more self-love, self-care,being able to prioritize
yourself and your needs, andthat excitement, that joy you
feel in your life will attractthe life that you really want.
It's an inside out process, sojust take a deep breath into
(30:12):
that detachment and that's allI've got for today.
Thanks for hanging out with meon the Hard Times no More
Relationship Podcast, and I wishyou a beautiful, joyful day or
evening, and we'll talk againsoon.
All right, take care.
Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome Hard, aka Mrs Hard, and
this is Hard Times no More, apodcast for people who are tired
of struggling with boundaries,people-pleasing and relationship
problems.
I have overcome some hard times.
Within three years, I stoppeddrinking, my mom died of cancer
and my house burnt down in aCalifornia wildfire, and those
(00:22):
are just the highlights.
I have a lot of reasons to bemiserable, but I'm not.
The truth is, life was morechallenging before these events
happened.
If you are tired of waiting foryour circumstances to change to
find happiness and peace ofmind, you are in the right place
.
Join me as I share the tools Iuse in love to transform
(00:43):
challenges into assets andinterview others about their
relationship journeys.
Together, let's learn how tohave a happy life full of
healthy, meaningfulrelationships and say goodbye to
hard times for good.
Hey there, welcome to the HardTimes no More Relationship
(01:04):
Podcast.
I'm Alessandra Tolomey Hart,aka Mrs Hart, your host.
So last Sunday, lisa Fonvillefrom Hemlock House Photography,
sakan Nek, who's also aphotographer and a tea guru, and
myself hosted the Empower HerBusiness Babes Workshop, and our
(01:26):
theme was embracing your worthand cultivating confidence, and
I took participants through apractice to relieve anxiety.
And whether you were at theworkshop or you want to catch us
next time.
Today on the podcast, I'm goingto share the talk that I did
there and dive into how you canuse this practice not only to
(01:49):
relieve anxiety around yourbusiness, but also how to use
this practice in yourrelationships and to relieve
anxiety you have within yourself.
And what I mean about relievinganxiety with yourself is how to
become easier on yourself,release perfectionism and
release the shoulda couldawouldas.
And this podcast episode isgoing to take a couple of twists
(02:12):
and turns because I want todive more into the story that
brought me to how I started myown business.
So I don't think many peopleknow this story, but back in
2016, I was five months soberand one of my dreams for a long
time had been to hike thePacific Crest Trail.
(02:34):
If you don't know what thePacific Crest Trail is, it's a
trail that starts on the borderof Mexico and California and
ends on the border of Washingtonand Canada, and I believe the
trail is about 2,600 miles.
So I just looked it up and thetrail is 2,650 miles, so very
close.
And if you've seen the movieWild, it's based on this woman
(02:57):
hiking parts of the PacificCrest Trail, and hundreds to
thousands of people definitelyin the thousands hike this trail
every year, and a lot of themstart out with the intention of
starting in Mexico, on theborder of Mexico and California,
and hiking the entire trail.
But life happens, and I think asmall percentage of those
(03:20):
people who start out to do theentire thing make it through,
because it's very challenging tobe out there for three to six
months backpacking.
So young Mrs Hard in her 20salways had aspirations to do
things like hiking the PacificCrest Trail or traveling and
having unique, intenseexperiences.
(03:40):
That's what I used to be drawnto, and for years I thought I
was going to hike the wholething, but I could never get my
life together, never get enoughmoney together or get enough
time off work or you name it tomake it happen.
But in 2016, I decided to justhike a portion, and so my
original intention was to end inTahoe and I ended up ending in
(04:02):
Bakersfield, which was still 470miles that I hiked and 620
something ish trail miles, andthere's trail closures on parts
of it, and so that's why I havea different number for how many
I hiked versus how many miles Itraveled on the Pacific
Crossrail and a friend of minehitchhiked a little bit of it
(04:26):
too, and so I'm just keeping ithonest, keeping it real I did
like 470 miles of 600 andsomething.
So this all ties into how mybusiness started, I promise, and
I'm going to get into that now.
So I was about two weeks in andI had received the trail name
Crush.
A lot of people receive a trailname on the Pacific Crush Trail
(04:51):
and on the Appalachian Trailand somebody gives you your
trail name and I had met thisgirl a couple days into my
journey and she was such a fasthiker and her trail name I gave
to her the Breeze, because shejust hiked so fast, so
effortlessly and she did so manymiles each day and the Breeze
and I became friends and I lovedhow many miles the Breeze was
(05:14):
hiking.
I thought it was very excitingto hike like close to 30 miles a
day, and so I ended up gettinga lot of blisters on my feet
because I was hiking in SouthernCalifornia through the desert
and my feet had swelled to liketwo times the size and we had
made friends with two otherpeople and the breeze and these
(05:34):
two other people had gone upahead of me because I needed to
take a day's rest in Idlewild,california, to get new shoes and
let my blisters start to heal.
So I got back on trail in thedesert and I was trying to catch
up with them.
So I was really pushing myselfand I was doing 30 mile days,
(05:57):
which are big days, out thereand you're carrying a pack, you
carry six liters of waterbecause you don't know where
your next water will be, andit's a whole thing.
And so, needless to say, acouple days into hiking like
that, I got burnt out and I hadmade it to this infamous
(06:18):
McDonald's at Cajon Pass and Iwas all ready to get a motel
room which even the likegrimiest motels seemed like
heaven when you've beenbackpacking for several days.
So I got my McDonald's and Iwent to the motel and all of the
rooms were taken and I aboutlost it because I was tired,
(06:43):
burnt out, fatigued, probably alittle dehydrated, all of the
above, and I just started cryingin the lobby and the details
are a little fuzzy, but Iremember that there was another
hiker there and I had seen himon the trail a couple of days
before and he was traveling soloand he had been camping by
(07:05):
himself and he said hey, my roomhas two beds.
Do you want to share a roomwith me?
And I remember looking at himand doing a scan of like is this
person a creeper or not?
And my gut told me that he wassafe, that he wasn't going to
hurt me.
And luckily, my gut was rightand he suggested that, while we
(07:26):
wait for his room, we go getsome food, because the food
always helps when you're havinga nervous breakdown and you've
been backpacking for multipledays.
So we went to Del Taco nextdoor and I got a burrito with
French fries in it.
It was amazing.
And then the room was ready andI got some sleep and I took a
(07:46):
nap and he told me you know, mywife and I have a deal that,
like, anytime I really want toquit, I have to wait two days.
And if I still want to quit intwo days, she said she'll pick
me up, she'll help me get homeimmediately.
But I have to give myself thatspace, that two day period, to
make sure I really want to getoff trail, because everybody has
days that they don't want to beon the trail, just like with
(08:08):
whatever life path you're onwith your work, even if you're
passionate about it, there'sdays you don't want to do it and
it just means that maybe youneed to get a burrito from Del
Taco with some french fries init and take a nap and then
revisit your situation later,because when I woke up I felt so
much better.
And my friend who his trail namelater became Detail it was a
(08:33):
different trail name At first.
His trail name was Medicine man, but he wanted to change it
because there's multiplemedicine mans on trail and
people always thought he waslike slinging drugs or something
because his name was Medicineman and he was very detail
oriented.
So that's how his trail namebecame Detail.
And my trail name was Crush,because I like to crush miles
(08:54):
and the breeze had given me thattrail name days before.
Anyways, the breeze was aheadof me, still with our two
friends, but I started hikingwith Detail and I started hiking
at Detail's pace and we werehiking like 10 to 15 miles per
day, which I totally needed, andwe had a lot of time to chat.
(09:16):
And on one of the days we werehiking he asked me why I didn't
have my own business.
At the time I was doing massagetherapy at a really nice spa in
the Napa Valley and I waswaiting tables at a restaurant.
I was on call at both places,so I had a flexible schedule and
I had a couple of other oddjobs and I was only a massage
(09:36):
therapist, not a wellness coachyet, and I said there's no way,
I want to start my own business.
Both of my parents had theirown businesses and had so many
financial problems and I sawthem working like 60, 80 hours a
week.
They were miserable and I wasso scared that that would be me.
Detail had his own and stillhas his own electrician business
(10:01):
.
I believe, if he's listening,and I have that wrong, sorry
electrician business.
I believe, if he's listening,and I have that wrong, sorry.
And his wife at the time had adance studio that was very
successful where she taught Nia,which is a form of movement
that gets your heart rate goingand a lot of women really loved
(10:22):
it, especially in her area.
And his wife is an Aries.
I'm an Aries and so I'mparaphrasing because it was a
very long time ago, but what Iremember him saying was
something along the lines ofyou're an Aries, you'll do great
in business, and watching yourparents made it so that you
learned a lot of lessons and youwon't make the same mistakes as
them.
Trust me.
(10:42):
And I don't know if it was ahigher power moment or what it
was, but I totally trusted him.
And for the next two days wetalked all about what it looks
like to start a business andwhat I would have to do.
That's how I remember it.
And then we started hiking 30miles a day through the Mojave
Desert, because we switched fromdetail pace to crush pace.
(11:05):
And that was a hilariousexperience, because we were only
hiking at night because theMojave was so hot and we just
wanted to get through the dangdesert.
And then we stopped our journeyat Lake Isabella, so that 470
miles was a wild ride.
And in that process I decidedto start my own business.
And when I came back, in typicalAries fashion, I started
(11:29):
renting an office within twoweeks and got a business license
.
At first I rented the officeonly one day a week, on Mondays,
from another massage therapist.
Serendipitously, when I cameback from my trip, she proposed
this idea to me.
So the universe was conspiringto help me start my own business
.
And then I started doing chairmassage at the farmer's market,
(11:51):
and every time I went to thefarmer's market, I didn't care
about how many people I massagedor how much money I made at the
farmer's market.
My goal was to get one newclient from the farmer's market
into my practice.
And then my practice grew andgrew and grew and I changed
office locations and rented aspace in which I could practice
four days a week and at the timeI was still working two other
(12:15):
jobs on call and I was doingmassage therapy and I wasn't
charging nearly enough for mymassage therapy sessions,
because if you're a businessowner and you're listening, you
will relate.
Setting my prices felt like Iwas putting a dollar sign
directly on me and it wasterrifying and uncomfortable and
(12:37):
completely challenged myself-worth.
Because, side note, starting abusiness was really exciting but
I totally underestimated howmany of my own insecurities
would come up.
And through business I havefound the opportunity not always
the most comfortableopportunity, but the opportunity
(12:58):
to work on a lot of myinsecurities, because if you own
your own business, you knowthat it is an extension of you
and it challenges a lot of yourself-worth.
So setting my prices wasincredibly uncomfortable.
Asking clients to rebook made mefeel like a sleazy sales person
I was obviously offering themsomething they did not want.
(13:21):
That is what my mind told me,and so I would have to go into
what I call robot mode, where Iwould just say, like, would you
like to reschedule?
And just say it.
And it was so uncomfortable tojust say it, but I just had to
say it and that was reallyhelpful.
And a practitioner that Ireally look up to, dr Debbie
Victoria Seal.
She told me that as apractitioner, you're not fully
(13:44):
supporting your clients if youare not asking them to rebook,
if you're not helping them stayaccountable to their own
well-being and self-care process, which they're receiving
through you.
So thank you, dr Debbie.
That was very helpful.
So I did that and I also wouldway overbook myself between my
(14:05):
two other jobs and doing massagetherapy and it would completely
burn me out because I would beanxious the night before about
how much work I'd scheduled thenext day.
But I didn't feel like I couldsay no to any opportunities or
anyone because I might miss outor I might not get the clients
or the full practice that Ireally want.
But, plot twist, what ended upreally helping my business was
(14:28):
creating boundaries, because myboundaries attracted the clients
I wanted because I was valuingmy time and people can sense
that on an energetic level toput yourself first by taking
days off and creating the timeyou need in your schedule and
(14:51):
then booking around.
That it is, in my experience,the best way to do business,
because then you're taking careof yourself first, which is
allowing you to show up as yourfull, best, bright self in that
moment, on that day.
You don't have to be perfect,just showing up as your shiny
self and able to support yourclients in such a healthier way.
(15:16):
And some people they findrelief through hiring out
certain things and tasks thatthey don't want to do so that
they can make more time forthemselves.
But it's so important if youhave your own business or this
can be applied to if you're acaretaker or you have a very
demanding job and you're able tocreate some flexibility in your
(15:37):
schedule.
Don't let your mind tell youcan't.
You can find a way to do it.
I believe that that's possible.
But anyways, when you make thistime for yourself first,
everyone wins.
So what I've learned on thisbusiness journey with my first
business Unwind Mind, body, soulis that my business successes
(15:58):
and challenges do not define me.
So one of my favorite practicesis the practice of detachment.
Practicing detachment meansthat your business, successes
and challenges do not defineyour self-worth.
Your business is not supposedto validate you.
Other people are not supposedto validate you.
(16:19):
For example, if you're in arelationship and you want your
partner to tell you that you'resmart and pretty and successful
all the time, but you don'tbelieve that about yourself,
those words will be empty.
They will never mean anythinguntil you believe it about
yourself first.
Also, if you're waiting foreverything to be peaceful in
(16:43):
your business life, for yourbusiness to reach a certain
level of success, for somethingto happen, for you to have peace
, that's also not going to befulfilling.
Just like if you're in achaotic relationship and you're
telling yourself you know, oncethis person I love finally takes
care of themselves and is ableto take themselves to their own
(17:06):
doctor's appointments and leavethe house and take a shower and
eat all the vegetables, then mylife will be peaceful.
Whenever you place your peaceoutside of yourself, you cannot
accomplish peace.
And the same goes for havingyour own business and wanting
your business to be the thingthat allows you to accept peace
(17:28):
into your life.
You can have peace.
It's constantly waiting for you, but it's an inside job and
when you work on that peacewithin then approach your
business or your relationshipwithout expectations.
That is when everything fallsinto place.
It may feel a little bitbackwards, but trust me, when
you want peace in your life, youhave to go within.
(17:50):
You can't wait till your job ismore stable, until your
business is more successful,till your relationship is more
fulfilling.
You have to find it from withinfirst.
And let's say you've lost yourpassion for your business and
you're in a creative rut.
Taking care of yourself,putting yourself first,
detaching from your business andyou're in a creative rut.
Taking care of yourself,putting yourself first,
detaching from your business,will allow you to access
(18:14):
creativity because you'll beable to fill your cup.
And when you're feelinguninspired, that's really a red
flag just warning you thatyou're depleted and that you
need to shift your focus for alittle bit.
Maybe take a trip, maybe get amassage, maybe go shopping or do
something that inspires you.
And sometimes it's somethingthat's not related to your
(18:35):
business in any way, not relatedto whatever you're struggling
with, but just something thatbrings you joy.
And if you're not sure what itis that brings you joy if you've
lost contact and connectionwith that.
This is the universe beckoningyou to discover what lights you
up.
So many people spend their wholelife pushing and pushing,
(18:56):
believing that you don't deserveto take time for yourself
unless you have been pushing,unless things have been
challenging, have been hard.
You have to earn it.
But that is not true, my friend.
You can take time for yourself.
You can do things that lightyou up, like gardening or
(19:17):
painting or spending time withyour kids, making those things a
priority.
They don't have to dominate thewhole day and your whole work
schedule, but taking enough timeto find fulfillment and joy
through the things you love willmake it so that everything else
flows.
I promise, I promise, promise,promise, because the excitement
(19:38):
that you'll feel, the joy thatyou'll, that you'll feel
afterwards, the fulfillment thatyou'll feel, will attract the
clients that you want into yourbusiness.
It will attract the healthierrelationships, the healthier
interactions within therelationships you already have.
That is why self-care can be sounderestimated.
(19:59):
People can be like, yeah, yeah,self-care, bubble baths,
whatever, but it's like no, likewe're here to have an
experience, joy, and we don'thave to do hard things to have
permission to have goodexperiences.
So that's my little soapboxrant about self-care.
So diving in to detachment alittle further.
(20:19):
Detachment doesn't mean youdon't care and you're not
committed.
It doesn't mean that you don'tcare about the person or your
business.
If you practice detachment.
Detachment means creatinghealthy boundaries so that your
business or your relationshipdoesn't dominate your life, your
(20:40):
emotions, your family time,your self-worth.
And practicing detachmentallows you to view challenges
and success with a more balancedperspective, preventing anxiety
and burnout, and it allows youto make clear decisions, have
greater creativity and a moresustainable approach to
(21:03):
entrepreneurship and your life.
Detachment is truly amazing.
Can you feel it?
I can feel it, and so the brasstacks how to practice
detachment boundaries having setdays for certain things.
You know I have two businessesmassage therapy, which I have, a
(21:26):
weightless practice.
I'm very grateful for that.
And then wellness coaching, andthat includes one-on-one
coaching, workshops, retreats,this podcast, social media, so
many things.
So there are certain days thatI do certain things.
That helps me stay organized.
It helps me have enough time togo for really long walks in the
(21:49):
morning and to take naps.
I've been a big napper lately.
I've been really enjoying it.
It allows me ample time tomeditate in the morning, where I
get super pumped and inspiredand it allows me to meet friends
for coffee, you know, do allthe things that I love.
And then having my own practiceand setting my own schedules in
(22:13):
both businesses I can also taketime off with my husband when I
want and I just plan ahead.
So schedules really work for meand that organization really
works for me.
Another part of detachment thatmay be hard to hear at first is
letting go of clients'experiences and outcomes, and
(22:35):
I'm going to speak just to thebusiness owners right now
because, as a business owner,you may feel like what?
That doesn't make any sense.
Of course I'm responsible fortheir experience and outcome.
That's why they're coming to me.
Responsible for theirexperience and outcome.
That's why they're coming to me.
In my experience, you are notresponsible for anyone's
experience or outcome.
And let me tell you why.
(22:57):
I can show up as my best self,providing the best service I can
.
Let's say, with massage therapy, somebody comes in, they have
sciatica and I have tools andmethods to help treat sciatica
and I go through all of theprotocols that I have and the
client doesn't like the way Ipractice.
(23:17):
I practice orthopedic massage,so clients leave their clothes
on and they participate in thetherapy like physical therapy,
and it's not some people's jam.
Some people would prefer tojust be completely passive
during their massage, which is100% okay, and maybe, for
(23:37):
whatever reason, the protocolI'm using doesn't work on this
client because it's just notjiving with them.
But I showed up as my best self.
Maybe they didn't have the bestexperience, even though I would
have, ahead of time, told themwhat the experience would be
like and done my best.
But there's no way that I canbe responsible for their
(23:59):
experience and their outcome.
When I show up as my best self,giving their appointment all of
the time it needs, all theattention it needs, they can
still have an experience inwhich they decide not to come
back and work with me as apractitioner, and so letting go
of other people's experiencesand outcomes doesn't mean that
you're just throwing in thetowel and being like whatever
(24:19):
happens happens.
You're focusing on what you cancontrol.
You know your timing, the toolsyou use, the level of
excitement and the level ofenergy that you show up with,
the work that you're doing onyourself to keep yourself clear
and creative and passionateabout what you're doing.
You can control how you talkabout your practice.
(24:42):
What you say to clients havingset hours that you want to
connect and talk with clients isalso a big one.
Like, I don't respond to emailsand text messages at night
after I'm done working, I let itwait till the next morning.
And on my contact page I evenhave a little clause that it
takes 72 hours for me to reachback out to somebody sometimes.
And on my contact page I evenhave a little clause that it
takes 72 hours for me to reachback out to somebody sometimes.
(25:04):
And that is to give me space sothat if it's not a good time to
talk in my life, that that'sokay.
You know, I'm going to show upfor that phone call, for that
email, when I'm my best,brightest self and focusing on
how you feel about therelationship or your business.
You know, are you taking enoughtime to replenish your cup so
that you can practice detachmentand be in a loving state and or
(25:29):
neutral?
Because I love the phrasedetach with love and if you
can't detach with love, justdetach, so you don't have to be
perfect at it.
And I said I would talk alittle bit about detaching from
your own self and I'm sure youcan already see how this would
apply.
But if you're beating yourselfup internally, it's time to
(25:52):
detach from that inner narrative.
I have a podcast episode wayback about naming your inner
critic and I touched on that inepisode eight, titled Healing
from the Loneliness Epidemic,and I also talk about that in
the how to Be your Own BestFriend workshop that I host
every once in a while and I maybe hosting in the fall again,
(26:14):
but anyways, there's so muchvalue in naming your inner
critic to separate it fromyourself, and that's a way of
practicing detachment knowingthat the negative narrative that
you are telling yourself inyour mind isn't who you truly
are.
And sometimes it feels like youcan't control your thoughts.
And when you can't control yourthoughts, practice detachment,
(26:38):
and what that looks like is justbeing like.
Okay, for just this minute, I'mgoing to treat my negative
inner narrative like a smallchild.
I'm going to have compassionfor it instead of internalizing
it and taking it as truth.
I'm going to say you know, Iknow you're frustrated right now
.
This is you talking to yourself.
(26:58):
I know you're angry.
I know you just want myattention or you want to help me
in some weird way, and thankyou for the opportunity and for
trying to tell me something, butthis isn't really helpful right
now, and so you can continuetalking, but I'm not going to
(27:20):
buy into this or however youwould like to say that.
But you can practice not takingyourself so seriously and
detaching from your ownnarrative if you're beating
yourself up.
Because what benefit doesbeating yourself up do?
Are you actually better atanything when you do that?
No, you just feel like crap do.
(27:41):
Are you actually better atanything when you do that?
No, you just feel like crap.
And so, if you find yourselfdoing that, take a pause and, as
I've talked about before, pausecan stand for.
Postpone action until serenityemerges.
Take a nap, eat some Del Tacoand then revisit the situation.
Try to distract yourself.
You can also focus on somethingyou love to do instead, like
(28:02):
gardening, getting your handsinto the earth, feeling grounded
.
You could do a meditation.
You could listen to a guidedmeditation I've recorded, if you
sign up for Stepping Off theChaos Rollercoaster, three
Simple Steps for Anxiety Relief.
I have a free anxiety reliefmeditation in there.
You can look up on YouTube forguided meditations.
(28:24):
There's so many ways that youcan do something simple that
doesn't take a lot of time toshift your perspective so that
you become kinder to yourself,because the kinder you are to
yourself, the more compassionateyou are to yourself, the more
kind and compassionate you willbe to others.
And there's just a couple ofother things I wanna jump back
to.
Of what you can't controlOthers' thoughts, feelings,
(28:47):
opinions, others' experiencesand outcomes.
I love that one, it's true.
Don't listen to your innernarrative if it's telling you
it's not.
And you can't control theeconomy in the world.
You know, snap your fingers ifyou believe you can't control
the world today.
I mean, we all know that.
(29:07):
But what you can control isyour relationship with yourself,
how you care for yourself.
You can get that going in apositive direction.
Create positive momentum withthat.
Create positive momentum withthat, and that will ripple into
the pond of the universe andbring more positive interactions
(29:27):
into your life and help youfeel more peace within.
So detachment asks you to take astep back and take a deep
breath and remember that yoursuccess, your self-worth as a
person, does not solely comefrom the success of your
business, your relationship orother people.
Embracing this practice willallow for clear decision-making,
(29:51):
more self-love, self-care,being able to prioritize
yourself and your needs, andthat excitement, that joy you
feel in your life will attractthe life that you really want.
It's an inside out process, sojust take a deep breath into
(30:12):
that detachment and that's allI've got for today.
Thanks for hanging out with meon the Hard Times no More
Relationship Podcast, and I wishyou a beautiful, joyful day or
evening, and we'll talk againsoon.
All right, take care.
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