February 27, 2024 • 29 mins
Tell me, do you ever catch yourself saying "YES" when you really want to shout “NO WAY!” And run in the opposite direction because someone has asked you to take on ANOTHER COMMITMENT or help them out, and your plate is already beyond full?
But you can’t bear to say “no,” even though you know you should.
…You don’t want to let them down.
Or
…You know it will just be easier if you do it.
And, once again, someone else’s needs make it to the top of your priority list.
Well, guess what?
You might just be a people-pleaser, and this is probably no surprise to you.
In this week’s podcast episode, we're diving into this whole people-pleasing thing.
We're getting real and talking about why the people-pleasing cycle happens over and over again, how it's messing with your life (in more ways than you realize), and most importantly, how the heck to stop for good.
In this episode, you’ll hear…
>>> Effective ways to stop covering up your true feelings or agreeing to stuff you don't have the time for and don’t even want to do.
>>> The key reasons why you're always putting everyone else’s needs first.
>>> How to let go of guilt, without needing to say “yes” all the time, with some seriously simple strategies to help you set those boundaries, honor your own needs, and start loving yourself a little more.
>>> The fine line between generosity and healthy compromise versus straight-up people-pleasing. It's all about finding that sweet spot where you're taking care of yourself while still being there for others.
So if you’re ready to take back control of your time, your energy, and your freakin' life, then buckle up 'cause it's time to kick people-pleasing to the curb and start living your life on your terms.
Connect with Mrs. Hard on Instagram: Mrs.Hard_TimesNoMore
Or Facebook: Mrs.Hard
Find free tools and resources at Mrs-Hard.com
Discover how to step off the chaos roller coaster and finally have peace of mind.
Sign up for my free 3-day coaching series—Stepping Off The Chaos Roller Coaster: 3 Simple Steps For Anxiety Relief
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome hard, aka Mrs Hard, and
this is Hard Times no More, apodcast for people who are tired
of struggling with boundaries,people pleasing and relationship
problems.
I have overcome some hard times.
Within three years, I stoppeddrinking, my mom died of cancer
and my house burnt down in aCalifornia wildfire, and those
(00:22):
are just the highlights.
I have a lot of reasons to bemiserable, but I'm not.
The truth is, life was morechallenging before these events
happened.
If you are tired of waiting foryour circumstances to change to
find happiness and peace ofmind, you are in the right place
.
Join me as I share the tools Iuse and love to transform
(00:43):
challenges into assets andinterview others about their
relationship journeys.
Together, let's learn how tohave a happy life full of
healthy, meaningfulrelationships and say goodbye to
hard times for good.
Hey everyone, welcome to thehard times no more relationship
(01:03):
podcast.
I'm Alessandra Tolome hard, akaMrs Hard, your host.
Today, we're going to talk aboutsomething that seems like a
very nice thing on the outsidethat can really hinder our life,
our relationships and ourself-esteem.
We're going to talk aboutpeople pleasing and we're going
(01:26):
to talk about how to stop peoplepleasing without guilt, because
guilt is sometimes a motivatorfor us to continue to people
please, even when we know weshould stop.
So most people who have peoplepleasing behavior already know
it.
But let's talk about it, let'sget on the same page and you can
(01:47):
decide if this is something youdo because awareness is the
first step to changing behaviorand if you feel like you already
know what people pleasing is,this will just help you gain
clarity as to how peoplepleasing is showing up in your
life, and then we will dive intothe causes, like why we do it,
why it's hard to stop and how tostop it, so that you can change
(02:10):
your behavior for good and thatwill create healthy
relationships in your life.
It will give you more energy,it will help you cultivate more
self-love and it will help youmanage your time better so
you're not as tired, stressedand anxious.
So many good things can comefrom changing people pleasing
behavior.
So first, it's totally normalto want to feel loved and valued
(02:34):
, especially from people who areclose to you.
We all want to belong and manyof us occasionally adapt our
behavior to make socialsituations and interactions more
smooth.
I mean that's totally normal,but there's a fine line between
(02:56):
healthy compromise, generosityand people pleasing.
It's all about your motives andwhether you truly have the
resources to give or not.
Healthy compromise is great Inall of our relationships.
We have to make compromisesfrom time to time, and that is
(03:16):
part of being in a healthyrelationship, and compromising
can help you grow, because maybeyou agree to do something you
wouldn't normally like to doLike, for example, my husband
really likes to play games, andI don't always love to play
games, but for some reason, Ihave this resistance to it when
I first start and then I end upreally loving it, and so, by
(03:38):
being open to playing games, I'mactually having fun with my
husband instead of just beinglike, no, I just want to do what
I want to do, which would bepuzzles.
And then, in regards togenerosity, it's great to give,
it's great to give your time,your money, it's wonderful to
help others.
These are all very wonderfulbehavior traits, character
(03:59):
traits, and they really createan opportunity for happy
connections with others.
But there is a caveat it'sgreat to be generous as long as
you have it to give.
And this is where peoplepleasing comes in, because
people pleasing comes from aplace of needing to say yes,
needing to please others andultimately sacrificing yourself
(04:23):
and your needs for other people.
And that is the key.
That is the key difference, thefine line.
Do you have it to give?
That is going to be a theme intoday's podcast.
And if you're a people pleaser,you know it's really hard to
break the cycle, even if youknow it's creating unhealthy
(04:43):
relationships, it's stressingyou out and it's something
you've promised yourself you'regoing to stop, but you can't
quite seem to follow throughwith that personal commitment.
And these are the red flags tolook for.
If you're on the fence, ifyou're like, you know I go with
the flow sometimes and maybesometimes I sacrifice my time,
(05:03):
my wants, my needs.
But I'm not quite sure.
If I'm a people pleaser, here'show you can tell.
Do you downplay your needs?
Do you cover up how you reallyfeel, or agree to favors and
feel super guilty if you say no?
Or maybe you avoid saying noaltogether.
You may tell yourself it's justeasier if I do it or it will
(05:29):
upset my friend or family memberif I don't say yes.
You may also find yourselfsaying if I say no, it means I'm
letting them down and I can'tbear that guilt.
Or you may say I'm afraid ofconflict, so I'll just agree to
avoid any tension.
(05:50):
You may find yourself taking onextra work, even if you don't
have the time.
You may find yourself overcommitting to plans,
responsibilities and projects.
You may find yourself avoiding,advocating for your own needs,
like saying you're fine inquotation marks fine when you're
not.
And this kind of behavior canlead to stress, resentment,
(06:14):
anxiety, passive-aggressivebehavior, being quote needy
because your needs aren't metand it comes out in some other
way.
It doesn't just go away andright after you say yes, you may
feel good in the moment, butit's fleeting, because then you
have another thing on your platethat you have to do, or you
(06:36):
weren't true to yourself and youcan feel that little hurt, that
little jab of man.
I wasn't true to myself, Ididn't feel comfortable saying
what I really needed, and so nowmy self-esteem has been hurt,
my self-worth has been hurt.
And so what is the motivationbehind this behavior?
What is the root cause?
(06:57):
So some of the reasons you mayfind yourself people-pleasing
can be low self-esteem.
Like we said, when we say yesto something or over commit or
go with the flow even though wehave different feelings about it
, denying that little voiceinside of us that says no, I
(07:19):
don't really want to do.
That hurts our self-esteem,because we are making other
people's needs more importantthan our own.
And if we have a pattern ofdoing this over a long period of
time, you may not even knowwhat it is you need.
You may have derived your senseof purpose, your self-worth, so
(07:43):
much from others for such along time that you have lost
touch with what your needs are,because your needs just blend
into what everybody else needsand then you're just a human
doer and I struggled with thisfor a long time.
It took me a long time torealize that I needed to be
needed, to feel value, to feelworthy, to feel like I can take
(08:07):
up space on this planet.
I had to have like a job or tobe helping someone in some way,
and that was because I hadreally low self-esteem.
And if I look back, it was inmy teenage years, when I used to
help take care of my father andhelp with family
responsibilities, that thatpattern started, because I would
(08:27):
get praise and attention fordoing so much.
And then also my mother modeledthat behavior.
She was somebody who did it all.
She took care of the family,she worked 40, 50, 60 hours a
week.
She had a lot on her plate andthat was just how it was
supposed to be, and so it kindof became an expected role,
(08:49):
unconsciously, in my family, forme to take on this overdoing.
And later in life this led me tohave very unhealthy
relationships where I would getinto a relationship with
somebody and I would be afraidof them not liking me or not
needing me.
So I would go above and beyond,I would pay their bills,
(09:09):
sometimes I would buy dinner, Iwould drive us around, I would
do whatever I needed to do tocreate convenience for the other
person and I was very go withthe flow, never raised a single
conflict in the relationship.
And then three, four, five, sixmonths afterwards I would feel
(09:31):
resentful and burnt out.
I would feel like the otherperson was taking advantage of
me and I didn't realize that Iwas setting up the relationship
to be out of balance from thevery start, and I didn't know
how to correct that behavior fora long time, because I was so
scared that if I wasn't a peoplepleaser to this person, they
(09:54):
wouldn't like me, they wouldn'tfind me valuable or worthy, and
that my needs weren't important.
And so people pleasing startsout as an action that has very
good intentions but actuallycreates a lot of dysfunction in
relationships.
It's much better, even thoughit's uncomfortable, for people
who tend to people please tostate what your thoughts and
(10:17):
needs are in a kind manner andat the appropriate time, and to
trust others, to let them get toknow you, to trust healthy
compromise in relationshipswhere sometimes you'll do what
the other person wants andsometimes they'll do what you
want, and that you have the backand forth and that that creates
a positive, trustingrelationship.
(10:40):
And another cause of peoplepleasing is anxiety.
We've talked a lot aboutanxiety on this podcast here, so
many of us struggle with it andanxiety is a factor because if
you are a people pleaser, youmay feel anxious about fitting
in.
You may feel fear aboutrejection or offending someone,
(11:02):
for example.
If you're a person with socialanxiety, you may feel that you
need to do whatever your friendswant to do in order for people
to like you, and this can be asubtle attempt to control other
people's perception of you,bringing in that easygoing vibe.
But it's a false easygoing vibeand when you're anxious, you're
(11:25):
not really easygoing and, likewe talked about, this can make
the true feelings you have comeout in other ways the resentment
you may feel, the feelings ofnot belong, of inadequacy, of
low self-esteem.
And so it's important tocultivate self-esteem,
interesting relationships, sothat you can let go of fear and
(11:48):
let go of how others may see you, because there's so many good
things about you, no matter whatyou've gone through, no matter
how you're doing right now, evenif you're a mess, there are
amazing qualities you have inunique ways that you function in
the world and unique gifts thatyou have that you can bring to
relationships.
(12:10):
An anxiety stands in the way ofour connection with others.
So by addressing your anxiety,by addressing your self-esteem,
you can have healthierrelationships with others where
you're more authenticallyyourself.
An exercise you can do to helpyou cultivate self-esteem is to
write 10 things you like aboutyourself.
(12:31):
And if you've never done thisexercise before and your
self-esteem is really low, Iapplaud you if you can come up
with three, because when I firstdid this exercise, oh my gosh,
it was so uncomfortable Becausethere weren't that many things
that I liked about myself atthat time or that I knew I liked
(12:51):
about myself, or I felt weirdjust writing about it Like I
didn't want to admit that Iliked things about myself
because I wanted to appearhumble, without needs.
And if this is challenging,imagine that you're writing
about your best friend what yourbest friend is.
You Try to remove yourself fromyourself.
So imagine it's a friend ofyours, but they have all of your
(13:15):
character traits.
What are 10 things you likeabout them?
And if you can't get to 10,just work on it.
Add it to your morning routineand see how many things you can
come up with per day that youlike about yourself, and see if
you can see it reflected to youand others, the people you hang
out with, because birds of afeather flock together, so most
(13:36):
likely your friends arereflection of you and may
reflect the same charactertraits you already have.
So try to cultivate anawareness of the things you like
about yourself so that you'realso looking within for
validation instead of lookingexternally, because looking
externally for validation willcontinue to feed that people
(13:58):
pleasing flame and keep yougoing down the road you don't
want to go down.
So find your own self worthfrom within.
And it's a journey.
It's not an overnight thing,but I believe that you can do
this, because I had very lowself esteem and I don't today.
And another root cause of peoplepleasing is that you've seen it
(14:21):
modeled Just like I talkedabout earlier with how I saw it
modeled by my mother.
A lot of us inherit our peoplepleasing behavior.
We believe that we have tocontinue this behavior to be a
good wife, a good mother, a goodfriend, a good daughter, a good
person.
And that's some pretty blackand white thinking.
(14:42):
You know, if you say yes, gowith the flow, never cause a
rift, but you don't speak up foryourself and you continue the
cycle of creating low selfesteem, then you will be a good
person.
And that definitely ties intoperfectionism, of needing to be
perfect in your relationships tothen receive worth, and that's
(15:04):
again looking externally forvalidation rather than finding
internal validation.
And then, last but not least,trauma response is a reason why
people people please I don'tknow if you've heard of trauma
responses before their fightflight fawn and freeze Fawn is a
people pleasing behavior.
(15:26):
And if you're in an abusiverelationship, it makes sense why
fawning would be a tactic thatyou use, because maybe if you're
dating somebody who's analcoholic or has an explosive
temper, you try to diffuse thesituation and create stability
in the situation by notupsetting the other person,
because I've been in emotionallyabusive relationships in the
(15:48):
past and I definitely used tofawn and it made it very hard to
see what was healthy and whatwasn't healthy, and I remember
taking on a lot of theresponsibility in the
relationship for the behaviorthat was happening.
I remember believing that ifonly I behaved a certain way and
did certain things then therelationship would be peaceful
(16:11):
and that it was all my faultwhen things weren't going
smoothly in the relationship andthat really made my self-esteem
spiral and that can become areally challenging emotional pit
to get out of.
And then you feel like youcan't tell people in your life
what's really going on becauseyou don't want them to judge
your relationship.
And so there's so manydifferent ways in which people
(16:33):
pleasing comes in in thoserelationships.
I'm Niff.
Your people pleasing is becauseof a trauma response.
It's really important to reachout for help to see a therapist
that can work with you in acapacity in which you could heal
those really deep trauma wounds.
So I know that got really heavy, but just need to say that if
(16:55):
it's a trauma response, untilyou address that trauma response
you're not gonna be able tomove through the people pleasing
behavior.
So that's very, very importantto address.
So let's talk about how to stoppeople pleasing without guilt.
We've already touched on it alittle bit.
You know, building yourself-esteem is number one,
(17:17):
trying to make that list ofthings that you like about
yourself, because other peoplesee those things in you.
If you spot it, you got it.
And it doesn't just work in thenegative way where somebody
annoys you and if you spot it,you got it.
It's if you spot it and youlike it in somebody else,
there's a chance that thatcharacteristic is in you as well
(17:39):
.
And when working on buildingyour self-esteem, really work on
how you talk to yourself.
I have an exciting workshopcoming up in April.
That's gonna be all about howwe talk to ourselves, how we
communicate with ourselves andhow we can create a more loving
connection with ourselves,because receiving that
(18:00):
validation internally willchange your life in your world,
especially if you've resonatedwith a lot of the people
pleasing behavior we'vediscussed, if that's a go-to for
you, and I want you to becomeaware of that narrative in your
head that you have aboutyourself.
See if you can write down someof the thoughts you have that
(18:23):
are related to people pleasingbehavior, because awareness is
key if you're gonna make achange and we all have
narratives in our mind, whetherwe realize it or not.
For some people the narrativeis more of a feeling at first
than actual words.
But see if you can first bequeued in by a feeling of
discomfort, overwhelm,resentment, stress, anxiety, and
(18:46):
then see if you can tie wherethat feeling is coming from to a
thought and see if it's aconsistent thought that comes up
for you and the narrativethat's telling you that those
thoughts is called your innercritic.
That inner critic is verycritical.
It's not very kind to us andthe inner critic can really
(19:06):
hinder us from loving ourself.
But when we recognize thatvoice as something separate from
ourselves it's not who youtruly are Then you can become
empowered to decide if you wannalisten to it or not.
And when you're changing thiskind of behavior, be kind to
yourself.
Allow yourself to make mistakes.
(19:27):
For example, if someone asksyou if you can do them a favor,
if you can take over acommitment, and you
automatically say yes, giveyourself permission to five
minutes later, a day later, letthem know that you've changed
your mind.
You've looked at your scheduleand you actually can't commit to
that right now Becausesometimes we get really hung up
(19:49):
on perfectionism.
You know, like, oh my gosh, butI said I would do the thing.
They're gonna think I'munreliable if I change my mind.
Well, even worse, if you don'tchange your mind and you don't
vocalize that to them, you'regonna continue the behavior.
The discomfort of having to goback and say you know what?
I made a mistake, I actuallydon't have the time will create
(20:10):
a smaller and smaller gapbetween your realization and the
change in the behavior in thefuture.
For example, when I firststarted practicing this specific
kind of work around peoplepleasing, I would automatically
say yes almost all the time.
Whenever anybody asked me if Icould help, if I could give time
(20:31):
, energy, money, any of myresources at all, I would
automatically say yes because itwas so ingrained.
That's what I had done for somany years and I had to call the
person.
I had to reach back out to them, I had to see them and I had to
tell them.
You know what I actually can'tdo, that I'm sorry and it was so
(20:51):
uncomfortable, but that helpedme queue in and then eventually
pause when I was asked if I wasavailable and say you know what?
Let me get back to you.
Even if I was pretty sure Icould do it, I had to get into
the habit of creating a pauseand taking an hour or a day to
(21:12):
think about if I was trulyavailable or not.
I also had to set someboundaries around my energy and
my schedule and my relationshipsabout what I would do and
wouldn't do, for example, withmy work.
I usually won't respond toemails and texts after 6 pm
because that is my time off, I'mno longer at work, and then if
(21:38):
I decide to take a trip, I willuse my phone less.
I won't check my email as often.
I also may not respond at allto people who are asking about
work things, and in the past Ihad a habit of always being
available, no matter what timeof day it was.
But that wasn't good for me, itwasn't healthy for me, it
(21:59):
wasn't good for my relationships, and creating that boundary
people respect that theyunderstand.
Oh, after 6, yes, you're off ofwork.
You should take time off, youshould take time to replenish.
That is an okay thing, and soit's about assessing what's
gonna be right for you.
What do you want?
Your new non-people pleasinglife to look like.
(22:20):
What kind of boundaries willthat require?
And you can start small.
You could start just with thepause for the hour or the day
and then give the person aresponse.
Or you can decide for one weekyou're not gonna take on any new
commitments and just say no,I'm sorry, I'm not available to
(22:41):
each commitment that comes upuntil you're not feeling
overwhelmed and stressed anymore.
And if that is veryuncomfortable for you, I suggest
going into what I call robotmode, where you just go through
the actions and say the thing,even though it's uncomfortable.
I've also had experience withthat in the past, where I needed
to just know for a period oftime that I wasn't gonna take on
(23:04):
any more commitments.
And we do that to the best ofour ability.
Like I said, it's okay to makemistakes during this process.
Anytime you learn a newbehavior, you're gonna make
mistakes because there's areason why it's been hard to get
to for a period of time.
So be gentle with yourself.
Let your inner critic who'stelling you you have to be
(23:27):
perfect at it right away, letthem go and just do your best to
move closer and closer towardsthe life you want, and you'll
see over time that when you sayno, you still have friends.
You still have people who knowthat you love them and you have
people who know that you careand they may even applaud you
(23:48):
for saying no because they knowthat you're a people pleaser and
that you overly give and it'llmake them happy and joyful if
it's a healthy relationship tosee you taking care of yourself.
And one last thing when feelinglike you need to give of
(24:08):
yourself in your relationshipsbecause you believe it's just
easier if you do it or theperson can't do it without you,
remember that everyone has theirown life path.
They're on their own journeyand you are not God.
That might sound harsh or likeyou're like.
Of course I know I'm not God,but think about it Sometimes, as
(24:31):
people pleasers, we like tohave a lot of control in helping
others.
We help others, but it's reallysecretly control because we
don't trust others to do thingsright.
Maybe you agree with me, maybeyou don't.
That's fine, but if thisresonates with you, it can be
helpful to remember that theyhave their own life path, that
(24:53):
other people can help them, theycan find other resources and
it's not all up to you that youare not responsible to control
them, to fix them or to curethem.
You know you can let it be andyou may be surprised that when
you step back you see that theyare fine without you.
(25:14):
And sometimes that can be alittle hurtful if you put in a
lot of energy into helping themin their life, but then it can
also be deeply relieving becausethen you can see there are
plenty of ways that people canfind help on this planet and it
doesn't have to just be you.
All right, that's all I've gotfor the topic of people pleasing
(25:34):
.
I hope that you have moreclarity on what people pleasing
is.
You can see if you're doing itin your life and if you want to
change it, you can see how tochange it.
So thanks for hanging out withme today.
I'm excited to hang out withyou again soon.
If you wanna say hi, you canfind me on Instagram at MrsHard
(25:57):
underscore times no more or onFacebook at Mrs Hard.
You can also check out freeresources and tools at
MrsHardcom, and I will betelling you more about a special
workshop coming up in April inthe following episodes.
So I wish you a wonderful dayUntil next time.
(26:20):
Take care.
Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome hard, aka Mrs Hard, and
this is Hard Times no More, apodcast for people who are tired
of struggling with boundaries,people pleasing and relationship
problems.
I have overcome some hard times.
Within three years, I stoppeddrinking, my mom died of cancer
and my house burnt down in aCalifornia wildfire, and those
(00:22):
are just the highlights.
I have a lot of reasons to bemiserable, but I'm not.
The truth is, life was morechallenging before these events
happened.
If you are tired of waiting foryour circumstances to change to
find happiness and peace ofmind, you are in the right place
.
Join me as I share the tools Iuse and love to transform
(00:43):
challenges into assets andinterview others about their
relationship journeys.
Together, let's learn how tohave a happy life full of
healthy, meaningfulrelationships and say goodbye to
hard times for good.
Hey everyone, welcome to thehard times no more relationship
(01:03):
podcast.
I'm Alessandra Tolome hard, akaMrs Hard, your host.
Today, we're going to talk aboutsomething that seems like a
very nice thing on the outsidethat can really hinder our life,
our relationships and ourself-esteem.
We're going to talk aboutpeople pleasing and we're going
(01:26):
to talk about how to stop peoplepleasing without guilt, because
guilt is sometimes a motivatorfor us to continue to people
please, even when we know weshould stop.
So most people who have peoplepleasing behavior already know
it.
But let's talk about it, let'sget on the same page and you can
(01:47):
decide if this is something youdo because awareness is the
first step to changing behaviorand if you feel like you already
know what people pleasing is,this will just help you gain
clarity as to how peoplepleasing is showing up in your
life, and then we will dive intothe causes, like why we do it,
why it's hard to stop and how tostop it, so that you can change
(02:10):
your behavior for good and thatwill create healthy
relationships in your life.
It will give you more energy,it will help you cultivate more
self-love and it will help youmanage your time better so
you're not as tired, stressedand anxious.
So many good things can comefrom changing people pleasing
behavior.
So first, it's totally normalto want to feel loved and valued
(02:34):
, especially from people who areclose to you.
We all want to belong and manyof us occasionally adapt our
behavior to make socialsituations and interactions more
smooth.
I mean that's totally normal,but there's a fine line between
(02:56):
healthy compromise, generosityand people pleasing.
It's all about your motives andwhether you truly have the
resources to give or not.
Healthy compromise is great Inall of our relationships.
We have to make compromisesfrom time to time, and that is
(03:16):
part of being in a healthyrelationship, and compromising
can help you grow, because maybeyou agree to do something you
wouldn't normally like to doLike, for example, my husband
really likes to play games, andI don't always love to play
games, but for some reason, Ihave this resistance to it when
I first start and then I end upreally loving it, and so, by
(03:38):
being open to playing games, I'mactually having fun with my
husband instead of just beinglike, no, I just want to do what
I want to do, which would bepuzzles.
And then, in regards togenerosity, it's great to give,
it's great to give your time,your money, it's wonderful to
help others.
These are all very wonderfulbehavior traits, character
(03:59):
traits, and they really createan opportunity for happy
connections with others.
But there is a caveat it'sgreat to be generous as long as
you have it to give.
And this is where peoplepleasing comes in, because
people pleasing comes from aplace of needing to say yes,
needing to please others andultimately sacrificing yourself
(04:23):
and your needs for other people.
And that is the key.
That is the key difference, thefine line.
Do you have it to give?
That is going to be a theme intoday's podcast.
And if you're a people pleaser,you know it's really hard to
break the cycle, even if youknow it's creating unhealthy
(04:43):
relationships, it's stressingyou out and it's something
you've promised yourself you'regoing to stop, but you can't
quite seem to follow throughwith that personal commitment.
And these are the red flags tolook for.
If you're on the fence, ifyou're like, you know I go with
the flow sometimes and maybesometimes I sacrifice my time,
(05:03):
my wants, my needs.
But I'm not quite sure.
If I'm a people pleaser, here'show you can tell.
Do you downplay your needs?
Do you cover up how you reallyfeel, or agree to favors and
feel super guilty if you say no?
Or maybe you avoid saying noaltogether.
You may tell yourself it's justeasier if I do it or it will
(05:29):
upset my friend or family memberif I don't say yes.
You may also find yourselfsaying if I say no, it means I'm
letting them down and I can'tbear that guilt.
Or you may say I'm afraid ofconflict, so I'll just agree to
avoid any tension.
(05:50):
You may find yourself taking onextra work, even if you don't
have the time.
You may find yourself overcommitting to plans,
responsibilities and projects.
You may find yourself avoiding,advocating for your own needs,
like saying you're fine inquotation marks fine when you're
not.
And this kind of behavior canlead to stress, resentment,
(06:14):
anxiety, passive-aggressivebehavior, being quote needy
because your needs aren't metand it comes out in some other
way.
It doesn't just go away andright after you say yes, you may
feel good in the moment, butit's fleeting, because then you
have another thing on your platethat you have to do, or you
(06:36):
weren't true to yourself and youcan feel that little hurt, that
little jab of man.
I wasn't true to myself, Ididn't feel comfortable saying
what I really needed, and so nowmy self-esteem has been hurt,
my self-worth has been hurt.
And so what is the motivationbehind this behavior?
What is the root cause?
(06:57):
So some of the reasons you mayfind yourself people-pleasing
can be low self-esteem.
Like we said, when we say yesto something or over commit or
go with the flow even though wehave different feelings about it
, denying that little voiceinside of us that says no, I
(07:19):
don't really want to do.
That hurts our self-esteem,because we are making other
people's needs more importantthan our own.
And if we have a pattern ofdoing this over a long period of
time, you may not even knowwhat it is you need.
You may have derived your senseof purpose, your self-worth, so
(07:43):
much from others for such along time that you have lost
touch with what your needs are,because your needs just blend
into what everybody else needsand then you're just a human
doer and I struggled with thisfor a long time.
It took me a long time torealize that I needed to be
needed, to feel value, to feelworthy, to feel like I can take
(08:07):
up space on this planet.
I had to have like a job or tobe helping someone in some way,
and that was because I hadreally low self-esteem.
And if I look back, it was inmy teenage years, when I used to
help take care of my father andhelp with family
responsibilities, that thatpattern started, because I would
(08:27):
get praise and attention fordoing so much.
And then also my mother modeledthat behavior.
She was somebody who did it all.
She took care of the family,she worked 40, 50, 60 hours a
week.
She had a lot on her plate andthat was just how it was
supposed to be, and so it kindof became an expected role,
(08:49):
unconsciously, in my family, forme to take on this overdoing.
And later in life this led me tohave very unhealthy
relationships where I would getinto a relationship with
somebody and I would be afraidof them not liking me or not
needing me.
So I would go above and beyond,I would pay their bills,
(09:09):
sometimes I would buy dinner, Iwould drive us around, I would
do whatever I needed to do tocreate convenience for the other
person and I was very go withthe flow, never raised a single
conflict in the relationship.
And then three, four, five, sixmonths afterwards I would feel
(09:31):
resentful and burnt out.
I would feel like the otherperson was taking advantage of
me and I didn't realize that Iwas setting up the relationship
to be out of balance from thevery start, and I didn't know
how to correct that behavior fora long time, because I was so
scared that if I wasn't a peoplepleaser to this person, they
(09:54):
wouldn't like me, they wouldn'tfind me valuable or worthy, and
that my needs weren't important.
And so people pleasing startsout as an action that has very
good intentions but actuallycreates a lot of dysfunction in
relationships.
It's much better, even thoughit's uncomfortable, for people
who tend to people please tostate what your thoughts and
(10:17):
needs are in a kind manner andat the appropriate time, and to
trust others, to let them get toknow you, to trust healthy
compromise in relationshipswhere sometimes you'll do what
the other person wants andsometimes they'll do what you
want, and that you have the backand forth and that that creates
a positive, trustingrelationship.
(10:40):
And another cause of peoplepleasing is anxiety.
We've talked a lot aboutanxiety on this podcast here, so
many of us struggle with it andanxiety is a factor because if
you are a people pleaser, youmay feel anxious about fitting
in.
You may feel fear aboutrejection or offending someone,
(11:02):
for example.
If you're a person with socialanxiety, you may feel that you
need to do whatever your friendswant to do in order for people
to like you, and this can be asubtle attempt to control other
people's perception of you,bringing in that easygoing vibe.
But it's a false easygoing vibeand when you're anxious, you're
(11:25):
not really easygoing and, likewe talked about, this can make
the true feelings you have comeout in other ways the resentment
you may feel, the feelings ofnot belong, of inadequacy, of
low self-esteem.
And so it's important tocultivate self-esteem,
interesting relationships, sothat you can let go of fear and
(11:48):
let go of how others may see you, because there's so many good
things about you, no matter whatyou've gone through, no matter
how you're doing right now, evenif you're a mess, there are
amazing qualities you have inunique ways that you function in
the world and unique gifts thatyou have that you can bring to
relationships.
(12:10):
An anxiety stands in the way ofour connection with others.
So by addressing your anxiety,by addressing your self-esteem,
you can have healthierrelationships with others where
you're more authenticallyyourself.
An exercise you can do to helpyou cultivate self-esteem is to
write 10 things you like aboutyourself.
(12:31):
And if you've never done thisexercise before and your
self-esteem is really low, Iapplaud you if you can come up
with three, because when I firstdid this exercise, oh my gosh,
it was so uncomfortable Becausethere weren't that many things
that I liked about myself atthat time or that I knew I liked
(12:51):
about myself, or I felt weirdjust writing about it Like I
didn't want to admit that Iliked things about myself
because I wanted to appearhumble, without needs.
And if this is challenging,imagine that you're writing
about your best friend what yourbest friend is.
You Try to remove yourself fromyourself.
So imagine it's a friend ofyours, but they have all of your
(13:15):
character traits.
What are 10 things you likeabout them?
And if you can't get to 10,just work on it.
Add it to your morning routineand see how many things you can
come up with per day that youlike about yourself, and see if
you can see it reflected to youand others, the people you hang
out with, because birds of afeather flock together, so most
(13:36):
likely your friends arereflection of you and may
reflect the same charactertraits you already have.
So try to cultivate anawareness of the things you like
about yourself so that you'realso looking within for
validation instead of lookingexternally, because looking
externally for validation willcontinue to feed that people
(13:58):
pleasing flame and keep yougoing down the road you don't
want to go down.
So find your own self worthfrom within.
And it's a journey.
It's not an overnight thing,but I believe that you can do
this, because I had very lowself esteem and I don't today.
And another root cause of peoplepleasing is that you've seen it
(14:21):
modeled Just like I talkedabout earlier with how I saw it
modeled by my mother.
A lot of us inherit our peoplepleasing behavior.
We believe that we have tocontinue this behavior to be a
good wife, a good mother, a goodfriend, a good daughter, a good
person.
And that's some pretty blackand white thinking.
(14:42):
You know, if you say yes, gowith the flow, never cause a
rift, but you don't speak up foryourself and you continue the
cycle of creating low selfesteem, then you will be a good
person.
And that definitely ties intoperfectionism, of needing to be
perfect in your relationships tothen receive worth, and that's
(15:04):
again looking externally forvalidation rather than finding
internal validation.
And then, last but not least,trauma response is a reason why
people people please I don'tknow if you've heard of trauma
responses before their fightflight fawn and freeze Fawn is a
people pleasing behavior.
(15:26):
And if you're in an abusiverelationship, it makes sense why
fawning would be a tactic thatyou use, because maybe if you're
dating somebody who's analcoholic or has an explosive
temper, you try to diffuse thesituation and create stability
in the situation by notupsetting the other person,
because I've been in emotionallyabusive relationships in the
(15:48):
past and I definitely used tofawn and it made it very hard to
see what was healthy and whatwasn't healthy, and I remember
taking on a lot of theresponsibility in the
relationship for the behaviorthat was happening.
I remember believing that ifonly I behaved a certain way and
did certain things then therelationship would be peaceful
(16:11):
and that it was all my faultwhen things weren't going
smoothly in the relationship andthat really made my self-esteem
spiral and that can become areally challenging emotional pit
to get out of.
And then you feel like youcan't tell people in your life
what's really going on becauseyou don't want them to judge
your relationship.
And so there's so manydifferent ways in which people
(16:33):
pleasing comes in in thoserelationships.
I'm Niff.
Your people pleasing is becauseof a trauma response.
It's really important to reachout for help to see a therapist
that can work with you in acapacity in which you could heal
those really deep trauma wounds.
So I know that got really heavy, but just need to say that if
(16:55):
it's a trauma response, untilyou address that trauma response
you're not gonna be able tomove through the people pleasing
behavior.
So that's very, very importantto address.
So let's talk about how to stoppeople pleasing without guilt.
We've already touched on it alittle bit.
You know, building yourself-esteem is number one,
(17:17):
trying to make that list ofthings that you like about
yourself, because other peoplesee those things in you.
If you spot it, you got it.
And it doesn't just work in thenegative way where somebody
annoys you and if you spot it,you got it.
It's if you spot it and youlike it in somebody else,
there's a chance that thatcharacteristic is in you as well
(17:39):
.
And when working on buildingyour self-esteem, really work on
how you talk to yourself.
I have an exciting workshopcoming up in April.
That's gonna be all about howwe talk to ourselves, how we
communicate with ourselves andhow we can create a more loving
connection with ourselves,because receiving that
(18:00):
validation internally willchange your life in your world,
especially if you've resonatedwith a lot of the people
pleasing behavior we'vediscussed, if that's a go-to for
you, and I want you to becomeaware of that narrative in your
head that you have aboutyourself.
See if you can write down someof the thoughts you have that
(18:23):
are related to people pleasingbehavior, because awareness is
key if you're gonna make achange and we all have
narratives in our mind, whetherwe realize it or not.
For some people the narrativeis more of a feeling at first
than actual words.
But see if you can first bequeued in by a feeling of
discomfort, overwhelm,resentment, stress, anxiety, and
(18:46):
then see if you can tie wherethat feeling is coming from to a
thought and see if it's aconsistent thought that comes up
for you and the narrativethat's telling you that those
thoughts is called your innercritic.
That inner critic is verycritical.
It's not very kind to us andthe inner critic can really
(19:06):
hinder us from loving ourself.
But when we recognize thatvoice as something separate from
ourselves it's not who youtruly are Then you can become
empowered to decide if you wannalisten to it or not.
And when you're changing thiskind of behavior, be kind to
yourself.
Allow yourself to make mistakes.
(19:27):
For example, if someone asksyou if you can do them a favor,
if you can take over acommitment, and you
automatically say yes, giveyourself permission to five
minutes later, a day later, letthem know that you've changed
your mind.
You've looked at your scheduleand you actually can't commit to
that right now Becausesometimes we get really hung up
(19:49):
on perfectionism.
You know, like, oh my gosh, butI said I would do the thing.
They're gonna think I'munreliable if I change my mind.
Well, even worse, if you don'tchange your mind and you don't
vocalize that to them, you'regonna continue the behavior.
The discomfort of having to goback and say you know what?
I made a mistake, I actuallydon't have the time will create
(20:10):
a smaller and smaller gapbetween your realization and the
change in the behavior in thefuture.
For example, when I firststarted practicing this specific
kind of work around peoplepleasing, I would automatically
say yes almost all the time.
Whenever anybody asked me if Icould help, if I could give time
(20:31):
, energy, money, any of myresources at all, I would
automatically say yes because itwas so ingrained.
That's what I had done for somany years and I had to call the
person.
I had to reach back out to them, I had to see them and I had to
tell them.
You know what I actually can'tdo, that I'm sorry and it was so
(20:51):
uncomfortable, but that helpedme queue in and then eventually
pause when I was asked if I wasavailable and say you know what?
Let me get back to you.
Even if I was pretty sure Icould do it, I had to get into
the habit of creating a pauseand taking an hour or a day to
(21:12):
think about if I was trulyavailable or not.
I also had to set someboundaries around my energy and
my schedule and my relationshipsabout what I would do and
wouldn't do, for example, withmy work.
I usually won't respond toemails and texts after 6 pm
because that is my time off, I'mno longer at work, and then if
(21:38):
I decide to take a trip, I willuse my phone less.
I won't check my email as often.
I also may not respond at allto people who are asking about
work things, and in the past Ihad a habit of always being
available, no matter what timeof day it was.
But that wasn't good for me, itwasn't healthy for me, it
(21:59):
wasn't good for my relationships, and creating that boundary
people respect that theyunderstand.
Oh, after 6, yes, you're off ofwork.
You should take time off, youshould take time to replenish.
That is an okay thing, and soit's about assessing what's
gonna be right for you.
What do you want?
Your new non-people pleasinglife to look like.
(22:20):
What kind of boundaries willthat require?
And you can start small.
You could start just with thepause for the hour or the day
and then give the person aresponse.
Or you can decide for one weekyou're not gonna take on any new
commitments and just say no,I'm sorry, I'm not available to
(22:41):
each commitment that comes upuntil you're not feeling
overwhelmed and stressed anymore.
And if that is veryuncomfortable for you, I suggest
going into what I call robotmode, where you just go through
the actions and say the thing,even though it's uncomfortable.
I've also had experience withthat in the past, where I needed
to just know for a period oftime that I wasn't gonna take on
(23:04):
any more commitments.
And we do that to the best ofour ability.
Like I said, it's okay to makemistakes during this process.
Anytime you learn a newbehavior, you're gonna make
mistakes because there's areason why it's been hard to get
to for a period of time.
So be gentle with yourself.
Let your inner critic who'stelling you you have to be
(23:27):
perfect at it right away, letthem go and just do your best to
move closer and closer towardsthe life you want, and you'll
see over time that when you sayno, you still have friends.
You still have people who knowthat you love them and you have
people who know that you careand they may even applaud you
(23:48):
for saying no because they knowthat you're a people pleaser and
that you overly give and it'llmake them happy and joyful if
it's a healthy relationship tosee you taking care of yourself.
And one last thing when feelinglike you need to give of
(24:08):
yourself in your relationshipsbecause you believe it's just
easier if you do it or theperson can't do it without you,
remember that everyone has theirown life path.
They're on their own journeyand you are not God.
That might sound harsh or likeyou're like.
Of course I know I'm not God,but think about it Sometimes, as
(24:31):
people pleasers, we like tohave a lot of control in helping
others.
We help others, but it's reallysecretly control because we
don't trust others to do thingsright.
Maybe you agree with me, maybeyou don't.
That's fine, but if thisresonates with you, it can be
helpful to remember that theyhave their own life path, that
(24:53):
other people can help them, theycan find other resources and
it's not all up to you that youare not responsible to control
them, to fix them or to curethem.
You know you can let it be andyou may be surprised that when
you step back you see that theyare fine without you.
(25:14):
And sometimes that can be alittle hurtful if you put in a
lot of energy into helping themin their life, but then it can
also be deeply relieving becausethen you can see there are
plenty of ways that people canfind help on this planet and it
doesn't have to just be you.
All right, that's all I've gotfor the topic of people pleasing
(25:34):
.
I hope that you have moreclarity on what people pleasing
is.
You can see if you're doing itin your life and if you want to
change it, you can see how tochange it.
So thanks for hanging out withme today.
I'm excited to hang out withyou again soon.
If you wanna say hi, you canfind me on Instagram at MrsHard
(25:57):
underscore times no more or onFacebook at Mrs Hard.
You can also check out freeresources and tools at
MrsHardcom, and I will betelling you more about a special
workshop coming up in April inthe following episodes.
So I wish you a wonderful dayUntil next time.
(26:20):
Take care.
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