March 26, 2024 • 27 mins
Tell me, have you ever found yourself in these situations?
Have you ever made a commitment to cut back on sweets or alcohol, only to end up bingeing late at night and feeling guilty the next day?
Have you ever strayed from your health plan mid-day, thinking, 'I'll start fresh tomorrow,' instead of forgiving yourself and moving forward?
Have you ever ghosted someone in a relationship because things were going too well, and you were afraid of getting hurt? Or felt like you were 'too much' in a relationship, overdoing communication out of insecurity?
If any of this resonates with you, you're not alone.
In this week's podcast episode, 'Overcoming Self-Sabotage: The REAL Reasons You Feel Stuck,' we're delving into the invisible roadblocks that are hindering your confidence, goals, and relationships.
In this episode, you'll learn:
>>> The biggest mistake people make when chasing their goals.
Have you ever felt fired up at the start, only to lose momentum before reaching the finish line? Find out why.
>>> How perfectionism hinders your progress.
Your inner critic tends to see things in black and white, making it easy to abandon progress after a single mistake.
>>> Why people-pleasing complicates habit changes.
It's not just about your discomfort; you may worry about others' reactions. Prioritizing their needs over your own makes it hard to stick to positive changes.
>>> Practical tips for confident decision-making and boosting self-confidence, so you can create the life you desire inside and out.
And stay tuned until the end for a special offer that will help you bid farewell to people-pleasing and perfectionism for good.
Link to The How To Be Your Own Best Friend Workshop
Click Here
Say Hi on Instagram @Mrs.Hard_TimesNoMore
Visit my website: Mrs-Hard.com
Discover how to step off the chaos roller coaster and finally have peace of mind.
Sign up for my free 3-day coaching series—Stepping Off The Chaos Roller Coaster: 3 Simple Steps For Anxiety Relief
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome Hard, aka Mrs Hard, and
this is Hard Times no More, apodcast for people who are tired
of struggling with boundaries,people-pleasing and relationship
problems.
I have overcome some hard times.
Within three years, I stoppeddrinking, my mom died of cancer
and my house burnt down in aCalifornia wildfire, and those
(00:22):
are just the highlights.
I have a lot of reasons to bemiserable, but I'm not.
The truth is, life was morechallenging before these events
happened.
If you are tired of waiting foryour circumstances to change to
find happiness and peace ofmind, you are in the right place
.
Join me as I share the tools Iuse in love to transform
(00:43):
challenges into assets andinterview others about their
relationship journeys.
Together, let's learn how tohave a happy life full of
healthy, meaningfulrelationships, and say goodbye
to hard times for good.
Hey everyone, welcome to theHard Times no More Relationship
(01:03):
Podcast.
I'm Alessandra Tolomey-Hard,aka Mrs Hard, your host.
Today, we are going to talkabout a sneaky behavior that
might be wrecking your attemptsto build a healthy and
satisfying life.
This behavior may be hinderingyou from becoming close with
others.
(01:24):
It may be standing in the wayof your goals, whether it's
weight loss, to eat healthier,to become more active, to cut
back on the booze or the sugarwhich is feeding your anxiety,
(01:46):
or relentless perfectionism,which leads you to focus on what
isn't going right in your lifeinstead of the things that are
going well.
Today, we're going to talkabout what's behind this
behavior that we really don'twant to have but can't seem to
get rid of, the reasons why youdo what you do, even if it isn't
really benefiting you, andproven practices you can
(02:06):
implement to stay on track whenyou set out to make positive
changes in your life.
So tell me if you've ever donethis.
Have you ever set some healthgoals?
Maybe to eat less sugar or cutout sugar completely, to lose a
couple pounds, or to improveyour blood work, because your
cholesterol is high or yourblood sugar is high.
(02:29):
So you're trying to cut out thesweets and eat more vegetables,
but you have a very stressfulwork, meeting or something
happens with your kids and youreach for a candy bar midday and
instead of just pickingyourself back up, dusting
yourself off, you think, well, Ialready screwed it up.
(02:49):
Might as well not care about myhealthy choices for the rest of
the day.
I'll start again tomorrow.
You may wake up the next day andfeel bad, feel regret and think
you know I always screw it up,why even try?
Have you ever promised yourselfthat you're going to stop
drinking or cut back and thenfor a long busy day you swear
(03:14):
you're just gonna have one glassof wine, and then one turns
into two, and then two may turninto three, and then you lose
all momentum to do any positiveself-care for yourself, like
maybe instead you were planningon taking a bath or practicing
yoga to ease your stress, butyou came home, the day didn't go
(03:35):
well and you just reach forthat glass of wine and then you
wake up the next day regrettingthat you drank and feeling bad
and putting yourself down.
That you drank and feeling badand putting yourself down.
Or have you ever been in a newrelationship where it feels
really scary to open up to thisperson and so you start to push
them away?
Or you swing the opposite wayand you need to be around them
(03:58):
constantly because you want toknow that they're really into
you, even though they're givingyou all these signs that they
are, and you feel like youalways have this pattern,
whether it's pushing someoneaway, becoming really distant
when things are going well andyou're getting close to them or
becoming overly needy of theirattention because you need
(04:18):
validation from them.
If you're a human, there's areally good chance you've
experienced one of thesebehaviors, and this is called
self-sabotage.
I'm sure that you've heard aboutself-sabotage before.
It's when you have goodintentions to make a change in
your life, but then you revertback to old behaviors or even
(04:41):
take it another step and dosomething that's going to be the
complete opposite of thepositive decision you wanted to
make.
Self-sabotage is an invisibleforce that pushes you in the
opposite direction of where youactually want to go.
Have you ever sat around andthought about why you do this?
(05:02):
Well, I have, and so we'regoing to talk about it.
I'm going to go through fourmain reasons why we
self-sabotage.
Because you're not alone inthis.
We all do this.
But it's really important tounderstand why and what might be
motivating your self-sabotage,so that you can step off the
(05:26):
self-sabotaging roller coasterand have more self-confidence.
Have more self-esteem, becauseyou'll be able to trust yourself
, that you can follow throughand make the real positive
changes in your life that youdesire.
So four reasons why weself-sabotage.
Number one fear of success.
(05:47):
Now, this one may seem a littlebackwards, but hang in with me
here.
Let's say you decide to changeyour eating habits and you cut
out all the junk food and thesugar, but you're afraid that
when you go out to dinner withyour husband which you both love
to do you're worried that youwon't be fun anymore, that you
won't be out to dinner with yourhusband, which you both love to
do.
You're worried that you won'tbe fun anymore, that you won't
(06:07):
be able to connect with yourhusband and enjoy your date
nights together because you'llhave all these food rules or
you'll eat differently.
That can be related to fear ofsuccess, because, imagine,
you've kind of become adifferent person and that is
actually successful, but itmight make somebody else
(06:29):
uncomfortable or disruptsomething that you enjoy doing.
Now.
And when it comes torelationships, let's say that
you are successful and you openup to somebody, you become close
with them and you have a reallyhappy relationship.
But what if something happensto this person?
What if they end up cheating onyou or do something to hurt you
(06:54):
down the line?
And so, even though you havesuccess, sometimes you may have
fear of failure.
In the long run, you may beafraid of how these changes may
impact your life and ultimatelyend up changing your life, even
if it's for the better.
And I know I have a lot offellow people pleasers and
(07:17):
perfectionists listening to thisshow.
So let's take a little segueinto perfectionism and people
pleasing and how this may beshowing up.
So, with perfectionism, we cantend to have very black and
white thinking.
So we may be afraid to changehow we're eating because we may
(07:40):
think we can never have cookiesand ice cream again if we make
these changes, when in reality,if you're eating healthy, truly
healthy 90% of the time, you canhave cookies and ice cream
every once in a while, and itwon't ruin everything cream
every once in a while, and itwon't ruin everything.
Also, when trying to make achange, if it's around food,
(08:08):
let's say that you have a reallystressful day.
Just one thing after anotherhappens that you didn't expect.
Things are crazy with your kidsand you reach for a candy bar
midday because you forgot yourlunch, your blood sugar is low
and you just can't take itanymore.
Perfectionism shows up when wethink I've ruined the whole day.
Might as well ruin the rest ofit instead of picking yourself
(08:32):
up, testing yourself off, beinglike I made a mistake, it's okay
, I can make the rest of the daygreat with good decisions,
because my blood sugar is backon track.
We think, nope, it's ruined,might as well start again
tomorrow.
And sometimes we wake up thenext day and we're full of guilt
and shame and we think toourselves you know, this is too
(08:55):
hard, I'm going to fail anyways,so I might as well give up.
So then you give up your healthgoals and then people pleasing
can show up in these situationswhere if you're thinking about
date night with your husband andyou're thinking about, oh, if I
eat differently, he might notlike that, it might make it
uncomfortable and our dateswon't be as much fun.
(09:17):
And it's weird that I've hadthis happen, where my brain will
focus just on the food insteadof the experience we're having.
Because when I have a datenight with my husband, we love
to go out to eat and I have hadto change my eating habits over
time for various reasons.
And I would get anxious when Iwas just focusing on the food
(09:39):
instead of focusing on ourconnection, the time we were
spending together, the qualitytime together, and so my brain
would tell me that if I wassuccessful, it would hinder our
relationship, it would make theother person uncomfortable and
that is a form of peoplepleasing.
And so people pleasing andperfectionism can really show up
(10:03):
to wreak havoc and make usafraid of having success when we
want to make a change in ourlife.
And the second reason weself-sabotage can be low
self-esteem can be lowself-esteem.
When you have low self-esteem,you expect yourself to fail,
(10:29):
which becomes a self-fulfillingprophecy.
Believing you are not goodenough makes it so that your
external reality aligns withyour internal beliefs about
yourself, and it's a defensemechanism.
And this defense mechanism maycause you to intentionally mess
up.
And when you do that, it's aform of control, because you are
(10:49):
creating a familiar outcomewhich, on some level, may make
you feel like you have controlover the situation, may make you
feel like you have control overthe situation, because our
inner critic, our ego, wantseverything to stay the same.
(11:15):
Keeping things the same equalssafety and security, because
even if something isuncomfortable, it's familiar and
we know how things are going toplay out.
So creating a change createsinstability and insecurity.
And when we have low self-esteem, low self-confidence, we doubt
our ability to succeed.
We don't think we're goodenough, we don't think we're
(11:36):
worthy, and so we self-sabotageto fulfill the self-fulfilling
prophecy and feel like we havecontrol in our life.
I hope that makes sense.
I know it's a little tricky,but low self-esteem can make you
feel unworthy and not trustyourself.
And not trusting yourself willmake you want to keep everything
(12:00):
the same, keep the status quo,even if it's uncomfortable.
And the third reason why you maybe self-sabotaging is fear of
failure.
You would rather not take therisk of being disappointed,
being hurt, of beingdisappointed, being hurt of not
doing a good job, of needing totry again.
(12:21):
And fear of failure cansabotage you by keeping you
stuck and frozen in your fear,completely unable to make a
decision.
And sometimes real failure isnot trying at all, just staying
in that place of indecisionbecause you're afraid to take a
(12:42):
risk.
Fear of failure can also causeyou to avoid a situation Like
maybe you start ghosting theperson that you're really
interested in because you'reafraid that they're going to
hurt you in the long run, or youignore the signs from your
blood work showing you that youneed to make a life change.
And the problem actually getsworse when you try to tackle it
(13:07):
later on down the road becauseyou are afraid that if you do
something about it and you fail,then that may mean that there's
really no hope for you.
And the fourth reason is fear ofthe unknown.
So we kind of touched on thisalready.
But our ego, our inner critic,likes to keep the status quo,
(13:28):
keep things the same becausethey're safe, they're familiar.
And we severely underestimateour subconscious draw to the
familiar, even if it's hurtfulto us, even if it's
uncomfortable, even if it'sblocking us from the life we
really want, the relationshipswe really want, because that is
(13:52):
unknown territory.
We don't know how to play thatgame, we don't know the rules of
that game.
And stepping outside of ourcomfort zone is always
uncomfortable.
And that discomfort isn'talways bad, it can actually be a
good sign of growth.
But we sometimes self-sabotageand subconsciously pull
(14:15):
ourselves back from a situationhalting our progress because
it's unfamiliar.
We don't know what's going tohappen.
So, as you can see, fear is acommon theme here, even with
self-esteem, because we areafraid that we're not good
enough, that we're not worthyenough.
(14:36):
And even though the currentlifestyle or current
relationship is uncomfortable,it's familiar In our actions how
self-sabotage is playing out inour lives.
That's just the tip of theiceberg.
The real issues lie beneath thesurface.
They lie beneath the eating icecream late at night or drinking
(15:00):
wine when we promised wewouldn't, or being afraid to get
close with somebody or needinga ton of validation from them to
feel secure.
And there are some simplepractices you can do to help
address the deeper issue.
But first I have to fill you inon an exciting announcement I am
(15:22):
moving to a new brick andmortar location in downtown Napa
, and the best part about thisnew location is that it has
space for workshops, in-personlive workshops.
On Sunday April 14th, I'mhosting a workshop called how to
be your own best friend, whereI'm going to show you tools to
(15:44):
quiet your inner perfectionist,to release people pleasing, to
soothe that negative self-talkso that it's not driving your
actions.
We're going to talk aboutwhat's beneath the self-sabotage
that you are experiencing andwhat you can do to change that.
Because when you change what'sgoing on in the background,
(16:06):
what's happening beneath thesurface, then taking the actions
become so much more easier andreal, lasting change becomes
possible.
Tickets for this event arelimited because I like to keep
it cozy and intimate.
I've done this same workshopseveral times at various
(16:26):
retreats and at corporate events, and I'm so excited to share it
with you.
This event is also fun.
I know internal work can beheavy, but when it's done in a
supportive environment it can bea great time.
I've never had a workshop thatdidn't include laughter, and I
(16:48):
will also lead you through aspecial guided group meditation
for releasing perfectionism andpeople pleasing.
So, like I said, there is alimited number of tickets and I
have a feeling they're going togo really fast.
So if you're ready to releaseself-sabotaging behaviors like
perfectionism, people pleasingand negative self-talk that is
(17:11):
keeping your self-esteem low,this workshop is for you.
You can find the link to signup for the how to Be your Own
Best Friend workshop on mywebsite at mrs-hardcom, and I'll
also put a link in the shownotes.
But in the meantime, betweennow and then, there are some
other things you can practice toease your inner saboteur.
(17:34):
First, start small.
Don't try to change everythingat once.
All Don't try to changeeverything at once.
Sometimes, when we're embarkingon a new health journey, we
want to change every singlething cutting out gluten,
cutting out sugar, cutting outdairy, going vegan, you know,
whatever it is, we want to do itall at once and we get kind of
(17:55):
high off of that.
It actually like revs up ouradrenaline a little bit and we
get a little buzz off of it.
That's why you may find thatyou have a lot of success at the
beginning of a diet and you'reexcited about it, you're
enthusiastic.
But then that wears off after aweek or two and then the
self-sabotaging behavior startsto kick in.
(18:15):
So, even if it doesn't feellike as much fun in the
beginning, start small.
Choose one or two things you'regoing to change and give
yourself time to reallyimplement those changes instead
of going full bore all at once.
Next, make a plan.
Now, if you've been listeningto this podcast for a while, you
(18:37):
know that I love the power of awell thought out plan, because
the plan works when we'reoverwhelmed and a plan helps us
to stay on track.
So we're not needing to make somany decisions moment to moment
, because decision fatigue isreal.
If you haven't heard ofdecision fatigue, it shows up
(19:00):
mostly at the end of the day,when, after you've had to make a
ton of decisions at work, abunch of decisions for your kids
, for your family, and you areliterally tired of making
decisions, and so your willpowergoes out the window.
And if someone puts a glass ofwine in front of you or a pint
of ice cream, you're going tosay hell yes, because you're
(19:23):
stressed, you're overwhelmed andyou want those good, good
endorphins from the sugar, fromthe alcohol.
You want to let go, you want torelieve the pressure that you
feel because it builds upthrough the day.
But when you have a plan, itcan keep you on track and it can
help you be more successful andit can give you a fighting
chance at sticking with yourgood behavior goals rather than
(19:48):
slipping off track.
And then what are you going toreplace whatever you're removing
with?
If you're removing somethingfrom your life, like if you're
removing a food or sugar oralcohol, what are you going to
replace it with?
Replace it with a.
You going to replace it with.
Replace it with a bath, replaceit with some yoga, replace it
with a self-love meditation.
(20:08):
You can find those on YouTube.
You're going to have to findsomething else that's going to
take the edge off, that's goingto support you, because, even
though you may be practicing abehavior that's quote unquote
bad, that behavior is servingyou.
It's helping you in some way.
It's helping you decompress orget an endorphin hit, and so you
(20:31):
have to replace it withsomething.
Otherwise, you just have a void, and that's really hard to
avoid.
Another thing you can do is playthe tape forward.
So how many times have you setout, with good intentions, to
make a change and you wake upthe next day feeling guilt,
feeling shame, or sometimes evenright after you do the thing,
(20:54):
you feel guilt and you feelshame.
What are you going to doinstead?
Play the tape forward.
Think about how, if you makethis decision that you don't
really want to make, how it'sgoing to affect you In the
relationship example, if youwithdraw from this person even
though you really wantconnection, but you're afraid of
(21:15):
putting yourself out there,you're afraid of getting hurt
again, there's no way you'regoing to have a successful
relationship.
Play the tape forward.
Maybe you've done this in thepast.
How has it worked out in thepast?
Maybe it's worth the risk, evenif you're subconsciously drawn
to the familiar.
And so play the tape forward.
What are you doing?
(21:35):
That may be self-sabotagingyour goals and your progress,
and then create a plan.
What can you do instead?
And it's really best if youmake this plan ahead of time,
instead of when pressure's onand the thing is happening,
because it's hard to change ourbehaviors in those moments.
(21:57):
It's much easier when we don'thave as much on our plate or as
much pressure, and so make thisa part of your morning routine.
Take a couple minutes in themorning to write down what you
really want for yourself and howyou're going to get there, and
then inquire about the differentfears that might be coming up.
Are you having a fear ofsuccess?
(22:18):
Do you have low self-esteem?
So are you afraid that you'renot enough, that you're not
worthy?
Are you having a fear ofsuccess?
Do you have low self-esteem?
So are you afraid that you'renot enough, that you're not
worthy?
Are you afraid of failure?
Are you afraid of the unknown?
Check in with those points andsee, you know, if you can
inquire as to where these fearsare coming from and see if you
can create some perspectiveshift.
(22:39):
You know.
Question if you think thatthese fears are valid.
Are they really serving you?
Where did they come from?
And, like I said, I'm hosting alive workshop on April 14th,
from 10 to 1130 am, called howto Be your Own Best Friend.
We're going to dive into all ofthis stuff together, and I find
(23:00):
that it's so much easier tomove through these obstacles
when you're supported, when yourealize you're not alone, when
you're guided by somebody who'sbeen there, who's done that and
who has a better relationshipwith self-sabotaging.
I'm going to be honest with you.
Sometimes I still do it, but Ican see it coming or I can
(23:21):
notice it quickly afterwards andI can change my decisions and I
can understand where it'scoming from, what's motivating
it, and that is empowering.
That allows me to take adifferent road, which doesn't
feel as scary because I've donethe internal work around it, and
(23:42):
this all leads to a differentoutcome, an outcome that propels
you towards what you reallywant for yourself, what you
really deserve for yourself.
So this workshop will be fun.
It'll be insightful.
You'll learn proven practicesto release your inner saboteur.
So join me.
Find that link on my website atmrs-hardcom.
(24:06):
Find it in the show notes.
If you follow me on Instagramat mrshardtimes underscore no
more you'll be able to see it upon my Instagram.
There'll be plenty of places tofind this link.
And don't forget it's going tofind this link.
And don't forget it's going tosell out fast and so I don't
know when you're listening tothis episode, but if it's way
(24:28):
past the date, april 14th, checkmy website anyways, because I
plan on having ongoing workshopsin my new space, so I'm looking
forward to seeing you there andconnecting in the future.
Until next time, take care.
Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome Hard, aka Mrs Hard, and
this is Hard Times no More, apodcast for people who are tired
of struggling with boundaries,people-pleasing and relationship
problems.
I have overcome some hard times.
Within three years, I stoppeddrinking, my mom died of cancer
and my house burnt down in aCalifornia wildfire, and those
(00:22):
are just the highlights.
I have a lot of reasons to bemiserable, but I'm not.
The truth is, life was morechallenging before these events
happened.
If you are tired of waiting foryour circumstances to change to
find happiness and peace ofmind, you are in the right place
.
Join me as I share the tools Iuse in love to transform
(00:43):
challenges into assets andinterview others about their
relationship journeys.
Together, let's learn how tohave a happy life full of
healthy, meaningfulrelationships, and say goodbye
to hard times for good.
Hey everyone, welcome to theHard Times no More Relationship
(01:03):
Podcast.
I'm Alessandra Tolomey-Hard,aka Mrs Hard, your host.
Today, we are going to talkabout a sneaky behavior that
might be wrecking your attemptsto build a healthy and
satisfying life.
This behavior may be hinderingyou from becoming close with
others.
(01:24):
It may be standing in the wayof your goals, whether it's
weight loss, to eat healthier,to become more active, to cut
back on the booze or the sugarwhich is feeding your anxiety,
(01:46):
or relentless perfectionism,which leads you to focus on what
isn't going right in your lifeinstead of the things that are
going well.
Today, we're going to talkabout what's behind this
behavior that we really don'twant to have but can't seem to
get rid of, the reasons why youdo what you do, even if it isn't
really benefiting you, andproven practices you can
(02:06):
implement to stay on track whenyou set out to make positive
changes in your life.
So tell me if you've ever donethis.
Have you ever set some healthgoals?
Maybe to eat less sugar or cutout sugar completely, to lose a
couple pounds, or to improveyour blood work, because your
cholesterol is high or yourblood sugar is high.
(02:29):
So you're trying to cut out thesweets and eat more vegetables,
but you have a very stressfulwork, meeting or something
happens with your kids and youreach for a candy bar midday and
instead of just pickingyourself back up, dusting
yourself off, you think, well, Ialready screwed it up.
(02:49):
Might as well not care about myhealthy choices for the rest of
the day.
I'll start again tomorrow.
You may wake up the next day andfeel bad, feel regret and think
you know I always screw it up,why even try?
Have you ever promised yourselfthat you're going to stop
drinking or cut back and thenfor a long busy day you swear
(03:14):
you're just gonna have one glassof wine, and then one turns
into two, and then two may turninto three, and then you lose
all momentum to do any positiveself-care for yourself, like
maybe instead you were planningon taking a bath or practicing
yoga to ease your stress, butyou came home, the day didn't go
(03:35):
well and you just reach forthat glass of wine and then you
wake up the next day regrettingthat you drank and feeling bad
and putting yourself down.
That you drank and feeling badand putting yourself down.
Or have you ever been in a newrelationship where it feels
really scary to open up to thisperson and so you start to push
them away?
Or you swing the opposite wayand you need to be around them
(03:58):
constantly because you want toknow that they're really into
you, even though they're givingyou all these signs that they
are, and you feel like youalways have this pattern,
whether it's pushing someoneaway, becoming really distant
when things are going well andyou're getting close to them or
becoming overly needy of theirattention because you need
(04:18):
validation from them.
If you're a human, there's areally good chance you've
experienced one of thesebehaviors, and this is called
self-sabotage.
I'm sure that you've heard aboutself-sabotage before.
It's when you have goodintentions to make a change in
your life, but then you revertback to old behaviors or even
(04:41):
take it another step and dosomething that's going to be the
complete opposite of thepositive decision you wanted to
make.
Self-sabotage is an invisibleforce that pushes you in the
opposite direction of where youactually want to go.
Have you ever sat around andthought about why you do this?
(05:02):
Well, I have, and so we'regoing to talk about it.
I'm going to go through fourmain reasons why we
self-sabotage.
Because you're not alone inthis.
We all do this.
But it's really important tounderstand why and what might be
motivating your self-sabotage,so that you can step off the
(05:26):
self-sabotaging roller coasterand have more self-confidence.
Have more self-esteem, becauseyou'll be able to trust yourself
, that you can follow throughand make the real positive
changes in your life that youdesire.
So four reasons why weself-sabotage.
Number one fear of success.
(05:47):
Now, this one may seem a littlebackwards, but hang in with me
here.
Let's say you decide to changeyour eating habits and you cut
out all the junk food and thesugar, but you're afraid that
when you go out to dinner withyour husband which you both love
to do you're worried that youwon't be fun anymore, that you
won't be out to dinner with yourhusband, which you both love to
do.
You're worried that you won'tbe fun anymore, that you won't
(06:07):
be able to connect with yourhusband and enjoy your date
nights together because you'llhave all these food rules or
you'll eat differently.
That can be related to fear ofsuccess, because, imagine,
you've kind of become adifferent person and that is
actually successful, but itmight make somebody else
(06:29):
uncomfortable or disruptsomething that you enjoy doing.
Now.
And when it comes torelationships, let's say that
you are successful and you openup to somebody, you become close
with them and you have a reallyhappy relationship.
But what if something happensto this person?
What if they end up cheating onyou or do something to hurt you
(06:54):
down the line?
And so, even though you havesuccess, sometimes you may have
fear of failure.
In the long run, you may beafraid of how these changes may
impact your life and ultimatelyend up changing your life, even
if it's for the better.
And I know I have a lot offellow people pleasers and
(07:17):
perfectionists listening to thisshow.
So let's take a little segueinto perfectionism and people
pleasing and how this may beshowing up.
So, with perfectionism, we cantend to have very black and
white thinking.
So we may be afraid to changehow we're eating because we may
(07:40):
think we can never have cookiesand ice cream again if we make
these changes, when in reality,if you're eating healthy, truly
healthy 90% of the time, you canhave cookies and ice cream
every once in a while, and itwon't ruin everything cream
every once in a while, and itwon't ruin everything.
Also, when trying to make achange, if it's around food,
(08:08):
let's say that you have a reallystressful day.
Just one thing after anotherhappens that you didn't expect.
Things are crazy with your kidsand you reach for a candy bar
midday because you forgot yourlunch, your blood sugar is low
and you just can't take itanymore.
Perfectionism shows up when wethink I've ruined the whole day.
Might as well ruin the rest ofit instead of picking yourself
(08:32):
up, testing yourself off, beinglike I made a mistake, it's okay
, I can make the rest of the daygreat with good decisions,
because my blood sugar is backon track.
We think, nope, it's ruined,might as well start again
tomorrow.
And sometimes we wake up thenext day and we're full of guilt
and shame and we think toourselves you know, this is too
(08:55):
hard, I'm going to fail anyways,so I might as well give up.
So then you give up your healthgoals and then people pleasing
can show up in these situationswhere if you're thinking about
date night with your husband andyou're thinking about, oh, if I
eat differently, he might notlike that, it might make it
uncomfortable and our dateswon't be as much fun.
(09:17):
And it's weird that I've hadthis happen, where my brain will
focus just on the food insteadof the experience we're having.
Because when I have a datenight with my husband, we love
to go out to eat and I have hadto change my eating habits over
time for various reasons.
And I would get anxious when Iwas just focusing on the food
(09:39):
instead of focusing on ourconnection, the time we were
spending together, the qualitytime together, and so my brain
would tell me that if I wassuccessful, it would hinder our
relationship, it would make theother person uncomfortable and
that is a form of peoplepleasing.
And so people pleasing andperfectionism can really show up
(10:03):
to wreak havoc and make usafraid of having success when we
want to make a change in ourlife.
And the second reason weself-sabotage can be low
self-esteem can be lowself-esteem.
When you have low self-esteem,you expect yourself to fail,
(10:29):
which becomes a self-fulfillingprophecy.
Believing you are not goodenough makes it so that your
external reality aligns withyour internal beliefs about
yourself, and it's a defensemechanism.
And this defense mechanism maycause you to intentionally mess
up.
And when you do that, it's aform of control, because you are
(10:49):
creating a familiar outcomewhich, on some level, may make
you feel like you have controlover the situation, may make you
feel like you have control overthe situation, because our
inner critic, our ego, wantseverything to stay the same.
(11:15):
Keeping things the same equalssafety and security, because
even if something isuncomfortable, it's familiar and
we know how things are going toplay out.
So creating a change createsinstability and insecurity.
And when we have low self-esteem, low self-confidence, we doubt
our ability to succeed.
We don't think we're goodenough, we don't think we're
(11:36):
worthy, and so we self-sabotageto fulfill the self-fulfilling
prophecy and feel like we havecontrol in our life.
I hope that makes sense.
I know it's a little tricky,but low self-esteem can make you
feel unworthy and not trustyourself.
And not trusting yourself willmake you want to keep everything
(12:00):
the same, keep the status quo,even if it's uncomfortable.
And the third reason why you maybe self-sabotaging is fear of
failure.
You would rather not take therisk of being disappointed,
being hurt, of beingdisappointed, being hurt of not
doing a good job, of needing totry again.
(12:21):
And fear of failure cansabotage you by keeping you
stuck and frozen in your fear,completely unable to make a
decision.
And sometimes real failure isnot trying at all, just staying
in that place of indecisionbecause you're afraid to take a
(12:42):
risk.
Fear of failure can also causeyou to avoid a situation Like
maybe you start ghosting theperson that you're really
interested in because you'reafraid that they're going to
hurt you in the long run, or youignore the signs from your
blood work showing you that youneed to make a life change.
And the problem actually getsworse when you try to tackle it
(13:07):
later on down the road becauseyou are afraid that if you do
something about it and you fail,then that may mean that there's
really no hope for you.
And the fourth reason is fear ofthe unknown.
So we kind of touched on thisalready.
But our ego, our inner critic,likes to keep the status quo,
(13:28):
keep things the same becausethey're safe, they're familiar.
And we severely underestimateour subconscious draw to the
familiar, even if it's hurtfulto us, even if it's
uncomfortable, even if it'sblocking us from the life we
really want, the relationshipswe really want, because that is
(13:52):
unknown territory.
We don't know how to play thatgame, we don't know the rules of
that game.
And stepping outside of ourcomfort zone is always
uncomfortable.
And that discomfort isn'talways bad, it can actually be a
good sign of growth.
But we sometimes self-sabotageand subconsciously pull
(14:15):
ourselves back from a situationhalting our progress because
it's unfamiliar.
We don't know what's going tohappen.
So, as you can see, fear is acommon theme here, even with
self-esteem, because we areafraid that we're not good
enough, that we're not worthyenough.
(14:36):
And even though the currentlifestyle or current
relationship is uncomfortable,it's familiar In our actions how
self-sabotage is playing out inour lives.
That's just the tip of theiceberg.
The real issues lie beneath thesurface.
They lie beneath the eating icecream late at night or drinking
(15:00):
wine when we promised wewouldn't, or being afraid to get
close with somebody or needinga ton of validation from them to
feel secure.
And there are some simplepractices you can do to help
address the deeper issue.
But first I have to fill you inon an exciting announcement I am
(15:22):
moving to a new brick andmortar location in downtown Napa
, and the best part about thisnew location is that it has
space for workshops, in-personlive workshops.
On Sunday April 14th, I'mhosting a workshop called how to
be your own best friend, whereI'm going to show you tools to
(15:44):
quiet your inner perfectionist,to release people pleasing, to
soothe that negative self-talkso that it's not driving your
actions.
We're going to talk aboutwhat's beneath the self-sabotage
that you are experiencing andwhat you can do to change that.
Because when you change what'sgoing on in the background,
(16:06):
what's happening beneath thesurface, then taking the actions
become so much more easier andreal, lasting change becomes
possible.
Tickets for this event arelimited because I like to keep
it cozy and intimate.
I've done this same workshopseveral times at various
(16:26):
retreats and at corporate events, and I'm so excited to share it
with you.
This event is also fun.
I know internal work can beheavy, but when it's done in a
supportive environment it can bea great time.
I've never had a workshop thatdidn't include laughter, and I
(16:48):
will also lead you through aspecial guided group meditation
for releasing perfectionism andpeople pleasing.
So, like I said, there is alimited number of tickets and I
have a feeling they're going togo really fast.
So if you're ready to releaseself-sabotaging behaviors like
perfectionism, people pleasingand negative self-talk that is
(17:11):
keeping your self-esteem low,this workshop is for you.
You can find the link to signup for the how to Be your Own
Best Friend workshop on mywebsite at mrs-hardcom, and I'll
also put a link in the shownotes.
But in the meantime, betweennow and then, there are some
other things you can practice toease your inner saboteur.
(17:34):
First, start small.
Don't try to change everythingat once.
All Don't try to changeeverything at once.
Sometimes, when we're embarkingon a new health journey, we
want to change every singlething cutting out gluten,
cutting out sugar, cutting outdairy, going vegan, you know,
whatever it is, we want to do itall at once and we get kind of
(17:55):
high off of that.
It actually like revs up ouradrenaline a little bit and we
get a little buzz off of it.
That's why you may find thatyou have a lot of success at the
beginning of a diet and you'reexcited about it, you're
enthusiastic.
But then that wears off after aweek or two and then the
self-sabotaging behavior startsto kick in.
(18:15):
So, even if it doesn't feellike as much fun in the
beginning, start small.
Choose one or two things you'regoing to change and give
yourself time to reallyimplement those changes instead
of going full bore all at once.
Next, make a plan.
Now, if you've been listeningto this podcast for a while, you
(18:37):
know that I love the power of awell thought out plan, because
the plan works when we'reoverwhelmed and a plan helps us
to stay on track.
So we're not needing to make somany decisions moment to moment
, because decision fatigue isreal.
If you haven't heard ofdecision fatigue, it shows up
(19:00):
mostly at the end of the day,when, after you've had to make a
ton of decisions at work, abunch of decisions for your kids
, for your family, and you areliterally tired of making
decisions, and so your willpowergoes out the window.
And if someone puts a glass ofwine in front of you or a pint
of ice cream, you're going tosay hell yes, because you're
(19:23):
stressed, you're overwhelmed andyou want those good, good
endorphins from the sugar, fromthe alcohol.
You want to let go, you want torelieve the pressure that you
feel because it builds upthrough the day.
But when you have a plan, itcan keep you on track and it can
help you be more successful andit can give you a fighting
chance at sticking with yourgood behavior goals rather than
(19:48):
slipping off track.
And then what are you going toreplace whatever you're removing
with?
If you're removing somethingfrom your life, like if you're
removing a food or sugar oralcohol, what are you going to
replace it with?
Replace it with a.
You going to replace it with.
Replace it with a bath, replaceit with some yoga, replace it
with a self-love meditation.
(20:08):
You can find those on YouTube.
You're going to have to findsomething else that's going to
take the edge off, that's goingto support you, because, even
though you may be practicing abehavior that's quote unquote
bad, that behavior is servingyou.
It's helping you in some way.
It's helping you decompress orget an endorphin hit, and so you
(20:31):
have to replace it withsomething.
Otherwise, you just have a void, and that's really hard to
avoid.
Another thing you can do is playthe tape forward.
So how many times have you setout, with good intentions, to
make a change and you wake upthe next day feeling guilt,
feeling shame, or sometimes evenright after you do the thing,
(20:54):
you feel guilt and you feelshame.
What are you going to doinstead?
Play the tape forward.
Think about how, if you makethis decision that you don't
really want to make, how it'sgoing to affect you In the
relationship example, if youwithdraw from this person even
though you really wantconnection, but you're afraid of
(21:15):
putting yourself out there,you're afraid of getting hurt
again, there's no way you'regoing to have a successful
relationship.
Play the tape forward.
Maybe you've done this in thepast.
How has it worked out in thepast?
Maybe it's worth the risk, evenif you're subconsciously drawn
to the familiar.
And so play the tape forward.
What are you doing?
(21:35):
That may be self-sabotagingyour goals and your progress,
and then create a plan.
What can you do instead?
And it's really best if youmake this plan ahead of time,
instead of when pressure's onand the thing is happening,
because it's hard to change ourbehaviors in those moments.
(21:57):
It's much easier when we don'thave as much on our plate or as
much pressure, and so make thisa part of your morning routine.
Take a couple minutes in themorning to write down what you
really want for yourself and howyou're going to get there, and
then inquire about the differentfears that might be coming up.
Are you having a fear ofsuccess?
(22:18):
Do you have low self-esteem?
So are you afraid that you'renot enough, that you're not
worthy?
Are you having a fear ofsuccess?
Do you have low self-esteem?
So are you afraid that you'renot enough, that you're not
worthy?
Are you afraid of failure?
Are you afraid of the unknown?
Check in with those points andsee, you know, if you can
inquire as to where these fearsare coming from and see if you
can create some perspectiveshift.
(22:39):
You know.
Question if you think thatthese fears are valid.
Are they really serving you?
Where did they come from?
And, like I said, I'm hosting alive workshop on April 14th,
from 10 to 1130 am, called howto Be your Own Best Friend.
We're going to dive into all ofthis stuff together, and I find
(23:00):
that it's so much easier tomove through these obstacles
when you're supported, when yourealize you're not alone, when
you're guided by somebody who'sbeen there, who's done that and
who has a better relationshipwith self-sabotaging.
I'm going to be honest with you.
Sometimes I still do it, but Ican see it coming or I can
(23:21):
notice it quickly afterwards andI can change my decisions and I
can understand where it'scoming from, what's motivating
it, and that is empowering.
That allows me to take adifferent road, which doesn't
feel as scary because I've donethe internal work around it, and
(23:42):
this all leads to a differentoutcome, an outcome that propels
you towards what you reallywant for yourself, what you
really deserve for yourself.
So this workshop will be fun.
It'll be insightful.
You'll learn proven practicesto release your inner saboteur.
So join me.
Find that link on my website atmrs-hardcom.
(24:06):
Find it in the show notes.
If you follow me on Instagramat mrshardtimes underscore no
more you'll be able to see it upon my Instagram.
There'll be plenty of places tofind this link.
And don't forget it's going tofind this link.
And don't forget it's going tosell out fast and so I don't
know when you're listening tothis episode, but if it's way
(24:28):
past the date, april 14th, checkmy website anyways, because I
plan on having ongoing workshopsin my new space, so I'm looking
forward to seeing you there andconnecting in the future.
Until next time, take care.
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