June 11, 2024 • 32 mins
I’ve got two questions for you:
1. Are you a caregiver?
2. Do you struggle with anxiety?
If you answered “YES” to either of those questions, this episode is for you!
Anxiety and caregiving have been huge parts of my life. As you may know, I was a caregiver for my father for over ten years and cared for my mother when she was dying of cancer. My whole life, I’ve been drawn to helping others.
And if you’ve been a caregiver, you know it can be both a blessing and (you hate to admit it, but…) a burden. Especially when you struggle with anxiety because you not only worry about your life, you worry about the people you care for too!
In this podcast episode, "Secrets of Managing Anxiety for Caregivers," I’m going to reveal some lesser-known tips for managing anxiety that come with being a caregiver. We’ll talk about:
- How to Release Feelings of Overwhelm and Care for Yourself While Helping Others
- Why Your Anxiety Might Not Be What You Think
- The Hidden Causes of Caregiver Anxiety and How to Overcome Them
And BONUS! I’m going to share a special anxiety relief practice at the end of the episode.
I’ll say it a million times: taking care of yourself is the best way to support others. Like we’ve talked about, it’s like the airplane analogy: put your oxygen mask on first before assisting others. When you prioritize your well-being, you enhance your ability to care for those around you.
Join me in this episode as we discover how small, simple shifts (like the way you feel about your anxiety) can create significant changes in your life as a caregiver without needing to do more.
Links:
Movement & Meditation JUNE 23rd 2024!
Website: Mrs-Hard.com
Instagram: Mrs.Hard_TimesNoMore
Facebook: Mrs.Hard
Discover how to step off the chaos roller coaster and finally have peace of mind.
Sign up for my free 3-day coaching series—Stepping Off The Chaos Roller Coaster: 3 Simple Steps For Anxiety Relief
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome Hard, aka Mrs Hard, and
this is Hard Times no More, apodcast for people who are tired
of struggling with boundaries,people-pleasing and relationship
problems.
I have overcome some hard times.
Within three years, I stoppeddrinking, my mom died of cancer
and my house burnt down in aCalifornia wildfire, and those
(00:22):
are just the highlights.
I have a lot of reasons to bemiserable, but I'm not.
The truth is, life was morechallenging before these events
happened.
If you are tired of waiting foryour circumstances to change to
find happiness and peace ofmind, you are in the right place
.
Join me as I share the tools Iuse in love to transform
(00:43):
challenges into assets andinterview others about their
relationship journeys.
Together, let's learn how tohave a happy life full of
healthy, meaningfulrelationships and say goodbye to
hard times for good.
Hey there, welcome to the HardTimes no More Relationship
(01:04):
Podcast.
I'm Alessandra Tolomey Hart,aka Mrs Hart, your host.
Oh man, it's been a littlewhile since I last sat down to
create a podcast episode, andthat is because so much has been
going on, so many good things.
First off, on May 19th, whichhas already passed, leisha and I
(01:26):
moved our movement andmeditation class to the Garden
Brewery in downtown Napa, andthat was such an amazing class.
The new location is awesome.
It has these beautiful hangingplants everywhere, and we had
about 20 people show up for theevent and they were all age
(01:46):
ranges.
Some had knee problems, somehad hip problems, some had old
injuries, some were newer togetting back into working out,
and some people were workoutprofessionals, and the class was
incredible in the sense that ithad something for everyone.
Leisha did an amazing job withmodifications and so for people
(02:09):
who needed to be a little bitmore gentle and easy with their
bodies, they had no problemgetting a great workout in
without injuring themselves.
And then people who are moreadvanced and like a tougher
workout.
They also really enjoyed theclass because Leisha definitely
knows how to get the bloodflowing, the heart pumping and
how to create a really funenvironment, and she really
(02:33):
brings people together too, andso the sense of community was
very strong there and I had sucha great time leading a guided
meditation and little talk atthe end.
And our next movement inmeditation class is on June 23,
2024 at the garden Again.
That's going to be our new spot, our new location, and we're
(02:55):
doing one Sunday a month and wehave 25 spots available, and by
the time you're listening tothis, tickets will have just
gone on sale.
And so if you're listening tothis around June 23rd 2024, grab
your ticket and you can findthe link in the show notes for
that.
The class starts at 8.15 in themorning on Sunday, june 23rd,
(03:19):
and so this will be a greatopportunity for you to get your
exercise done before you dowhatever you need to do for the
rest of the day, whether it'sgoing to Trader Joe's or Whole
Foods, grabbing some groceries,doing your last minute chores
like laundry, and going to yourkids games or your grandkids
games.
This event is the best way tostart your Sunday.
(03:42):
And then Dr Debbie VictoriaSteele and I just hosted the
Awaken Retreat on June 2nd 2024.
So for me, as I'm recordingthis, it was the most recent
Sunday that it just passed, andthat was such an amazing
experience.
We had five participants.
We like to keep our retreatsmall and intimate so that
(04:03):
people get to know each otherand so that it's a safe, secure
place to share and that peoplehave time to share and process.
People received hands-onhealing, aura healing, everyone
received a transmedium healing,and then I led the Find your
Flow workshop part one and twoand our goal was to help people
(04:24):
create clarity and reallyconnect with their true selves.
And hearing from the people whoexperienced the retreat mission
accomplished and they felt moreconnected to themselves, more
grounded and had such abeautiful experience.
And really, when you do aretreat, it's so magical because
(04:44):
the right people show up forthat retreat.
You know like you're meant tobe there and the people who are
there with you are meant to bethere, and it's just a magical,
amazing experience.
I just love it and I can't wait.
We're going to host anotherAwaken retreat in the fall, and
so there's so many more amazingthings to look forward to.
(05:05):
And I practice what I preach.
And so when you see that I'mdoing best of episodes, it's
because I'm taking a little bitmore time to focus on some other
projects, because,unfortunately, time is a semi
limiting factor.
It doesn't have to be toolimiting, but I do have to
respect the loss of time, and soI get to make more time in my
(05:27):
schedule by sharing some of themost popular episodes that maybe
you haven't heard of before,and so I'm happy to be back here
today sharing a new podcastepisode with you, and today we
are going to talk about secretsof managing anxiety for
caregivers, because if you arelike me, you are a caretaker or
(05:48):
a caregiver in one way oranother.
Like I've mentioned before, myfather's had multiple sclerosis
my whole life and for many yearsI was one of his primary
caretakers and then I became amassage therapist and I've
always gravitated towards takingcare of other people in my life
and then became a wellnesscoach.
(06:09):
And if you're a caregiver, youknow that your anxiety isn't
just about what's happening inyour life for you.
Your anxiety also stems to thepeople that you love, that
you're caring for, who are closeto you.
For example, I've shared beforethat during a time when I was a
caregiver for my father, mywell-being was so closely tied
(06:32):
to how he was doing.
If he was doing well, I wasdoing well.
If he wasn't doing well, Iwasn't doing well.
And that was before I hadhealthy boundaries with him in
our relationship, and so Iwasn't only managing my own
stress and anxiety, I was tryingto manage his.
And that's a tricky thing thatwe can fall into as caregivers,
because we can become attachedto so many people in our lives
(06:56):
and sometimes we think we haveto be that involved in that
attached, and I'm going to tellyou right out the gate that
believing that you have to be soinvolved isn't always true or
good for the relationship.
It depends on your specificsituation.
But just keep an open mind tothe fact that you may not need
(07:18):
to be as responsible as youthink you need to be for the
people you care for in your life, and we're going to get more
into that.
And this topic is so importantbecause, as a caregiver, it is
really hard to take care ofyourself.
First, because you see how somany other people need your help
(07:39):
, need your love, need yoursupport, need you to run errands
for them, need you to pick uptheir medication, need you to
counsel them, to be there forthem, to be their rock, to be
their support.
And you may be thinking youknow I'm doing just fine.
It's really these other peoplethat need help.
They need help, they need helpand the focus is always on them.
But what you don't realize isthat when you take care of
(08:02):
yourself, you are taking care ofthem.
You are helping them more thanjust focusing on them and
helping them with their problemsor supporting them through
their process or their lifesituation.
Like they say on the airplane,and like I've said before, put
your oxygen mask on first, andthis can be challenging, but
(08:24):
it's way more rewarding than itis challenging.
And so first let's talk aboutwhere your anxiety may be coming
from.
So I used to study Easternmedicine, ayurveda, which is
medicine from India, and there'sone personality type that's
called Vata, and Vata is thepersonality type that tends
towards anxiety.
(08:45):
And when anxiety is present,it's because this personality
type is living too much in thefuture.
They are too much in their head.
They're trying to anticipatethe next move, what's going to
happen, to keep themselves safe.
They also tend to be dry, whichmeans that they're not hydrated
(09:07):
enough that they may be dry inthe sense of feeling a lack of
inspiration or joy in lifebecause their internal reservoir
is dry.
And to have a more lush,fulfilling internal reservoir,
you need to have space for joyin your life.
(09:28):
You need to be able to spice itup, do something new, visit
someplace new, take time to carefor yourself, do something that
lights that internal fire thatkeeps your internal river
flowing, and a big part of thatis joy and happiness when you
feel like life is mundane andyou're just doing the same thing
over and over again, likeGroundhog Day.
(09:48):
That will definitely createdryness in your life, and that
dryness that lack a dry rivercreates anxiety.
In Eastern medicine that's aconcept that I love.
Your anxiety is trying to helpyou out.
It is like a watchdog.
It's on high alert, being readyfor the next threat.
And sometimes that anxiety isbecause you have been through a
(10:11):
lot.
Maybe your house is burnt down,maybe you've had failed
relationships in the past, maybeyou've had somebody close to
you pass away recently or becomehurt, and so your anxiety is
trying to help you out.
It's trying to prepare you forthe next shoe to drop when it
drops.
That's what your anxietybelieves, and so it's really
(10:32):
paying attention to what'scoming next, what is on the
horizon, what's threatening toyou.
And there are two statistics Ifound.
The first says that caregivers,particularly those who provide
care for a family member, oftenexperience high levels of stress
and anxiety.
The second says that theprevalence of anxiety among
women is significant.
According to the Anxiety andDepression Association of
(10:55):
America, anxiety disordersaffect 40 million adults in the
United States, with women beingmore affected than men.
This statistic underscores theimportance of addressing anxiety
in female caretakers, and thismakes sense because that
emotional burden you carry as acaregiver is real and it
depletes your resources, whichis why it's even more important
(11:18):
for you to put yourself first.
And I believe that has to dowith, as women, how our
boundaries play out and how weare emotionally attached, more
than men, to the people we'reclose to in our lives.
And so now let's talk about thereal source of anxiety.
I know we already touched onthis, but anxiety stems from
(11:38):
your mind.
It stems from your perceptionof your relationships, your
boundaries, your current lifesituation, your past experience.
And it's good news that itlives in your mind, because that
means that you actually don'tneed people, places and things
to change for you to feel morepeace.
And maybe you feel like oh,that's great, mrs Hard, like I
(12:02):
don't need people, places andthings to change, but I still
have this anxiety.
So let's talk about why it'sstill hanging around.
The number one reason why ourcurrent states are hard to shift
is because they are familiar,even if they're uncomfortable.
They are familiar and we maynot even be aware of the fact
that we're perpetuating the samereality.
(12:23):
Because it is familiar, because, even if it's uncomfortable,
our subconscious and our egofeel like they know what's going
to happen next.
They know how the story goes,they know how this game is
played, and so the familiarityon some level creates safety and
stability, even if it'suncomfortable.
(12:44):
And shifting your perspectivecan be a choice, because what I
see happen in what I'veexperienced is that things had
to get really uncomfortable inthe past before I would make a
change, and the more in tune Ibecame with myself and the more
I trusted the support of theuniverse and the support of
(13:06):
people around me, the lessdiscomfort I had to feel before
I made a change.
Because there's this like seesawimagine discomfort on one side
and then your fear of the nextstep, of trying something new,
on the other side.
Your discomfort sometimes hasto be greater than your fear of
taking the next step, becausethe next step is new, it's
(13:29):
different.
Your ego doesn't know what'sgoing to happen when you try
something new in your life, andso that's why it's so scary.
But, depending on where you areon the spiritual path, the more
you trust yourself, the moreyou trust the universe, the more
you have an open mind, the moreyou have willingness and the
more awareness you have aboutyour situation and what you want
(13:52):
to change, the less pain youhave to feel before deciding to
make that shift, because theunknown isn't as scary.
And so first you have to decideyou have to make a change, that
there's no other option andthat this change has to happen
for you.
(14:13):
And if people don't like thechange that you need to make in
your life, you have to find aplace of trust within yourself
and trust in the universe orwhatever you believe in, that
it's going to work out and thattaking care of yourself, even if
it might cause a rift or aconflict in your relationships,
(14:34):
is ultimately going to benefityour relationships, because when
you take care of yourself, thepeople close to you in your life
benefit just as much as you do.
And self-care isn't just bubblebaths and long days off,
detached from everyone andeverything.
Self-care can be boundaries,and so maybe you need to set
(14:55):
some boundaries.
As a caregiver, that is one ofthe biggest game changers that I
see caregivers make in theirlife.
When deciding to step up andcare for themselves is creating
boundaries with the people thatthey're caring for, with
obligations, with overcommitting, and start with just one
boundary.
Start with one thing that youwant to change, because our
(15:17):
lives are like a spider web, inthe sense that everything is
connected to everything else andwhen you change just one thing,
it can change the entire web,all of the little connections.
And so you don't always have todo this big overhaul.
You can just start with onething and if making a change is
really scary, keep that onething very simple.
(15:37):
But just commit to one thingand see how that change does
benefit you.
It does benefit yourrelationships.
For example, maybe you have achallenging mother-in-law and
she is really negative and lovesto vent to you about
challenging things that she'sgoing through, and it creates a
(16:00):
really negative relationshipbetween you and her and you're a
caregiver in the sense of likeyou're caring for her emotions,
but when you know you're goingto spend time with her, it
causes anxiety in your life.
And maybe you're a mom andmaybe you are caring for people
professionally too and you'reused to holding space for other
(16:22):
people to have their feelings.
If you have little kids, I'msure you have to hold space for
them to have their feelings,even when it's inconvenient.
And when you're a coach or aninstructor or massage therapist
or chiropractor, sometimesyou're holding space in your
professional practice for peopleto have their feelings, their
emotions, their pain, theirprocess.
(16:44):
But sometimes then that carriesinto our personal lives and you
may not want to disrupt thestatus quo or make someone feel
uncomfortable by placing aboundary, and so you just let
them emote and talk negatively,and this creates anxiety when
you know you're going to spendtime with them, and it creates
(17:06):
anxiety because you don't knowhow you're going to shift the
relationship and you're afraidthat the person will think you
don't care and become resentful.
And then it's just one morething you got to take care of if
this person isn't happy.
And so there's a lot ofthoughts and momentum around
this situation and it's verymuch in your mind because I know
(17:27):
this sounds harsh, but none ofthese things have actually
happened in terms of what youthink might happen if you do
create the boundary, becauseyou're like you know, I know
this person, I know it's goingto be bad, but in my experience,
my mom and I had a relationshipfor a period of time in which
all we talked about was myfather and how challenging he
(17:48):
was to take care of, because hewould call my mom like three or
four times a day asking her torun errands and pick him up
things from the store, and shewas working in San Francisco all
day, like she wasn't in town.
She didn't have a lot of time.
She was coming home at like 7PM 8 PM, and he always had this
list of things he needed her todo and it just added extra
(18:09):
things onto my mom's plate thatshe didn't have time for.
And then he had a lot ofmedical emergencies and he had a
lot of frustration and issueswith various things, and it
created a lot of guilt for mymom, and so she would vent to me
, and this happened for severalyears and our relationship
became solely focused on myfather.
And then this one day I had aconversation with her and I
(18:32):
remember saying you know, mom, Ifeel like all we talk about is
dad and I really miss connectingwith you about other things.
Is there any chance we couldjust stop talking about dad,
because I really love our timetogether and I feel like this is
taking up too much energy, andI was so surprised by her
response.
She was, like you know, I'dactually been thinking about
(18:55):
that, and I do agree that thishas become too much of a focus
in our relationship and that Iwon't talk about your father
that much anymore, and she tonedit down to like 80% of the time
we didn't talk about my dad andthen 20% of the time we did,
and it wasn't this huge focalpoint anymore.
It didn't mean that she couldnever talk about him again, but
it was just a lot less.
(19:16):
So that was way, way better andit shifted our relationship
from being more stressful andhaving this negative momentum to
being more positive.
And I know everyone's situationis different and sometimes
people you talk to aren't asintrospective, and that may be
the case in your situation.
But instead of creating somebig boundary, maybe try thinking
(19:39):
of like a small shift you canmake with that person and
vocalizing something that youneed and seeing how it goes,
testing the water.
And also, if you ever want totalk about your more personal
situation one-on-one, you canreach out to me on my website,
mrshardcom, schedule a free30-minute session or you can
(20:00):
find me on Instagram or socialmedia.
Send me a message.
We could talk about your uniquesituation, because I know it's
not a one-size-fits-all.
I know it's not a one size fitsall, but when you lead your
actions with that trust, thatthat desire to have a more
positive relationship with theother person, if you write out
what you want to say ahead oftime, if you want to take care
(20:21):
of yourself, in that way, youknow creating a boundary so that
you're not needing to hold thesame space for your family
members that you aren'tcaregiving for, or, you know,
holding the same space that youcarry into professional life
with your family.
Making these small shifts ineven conversation can make a big
change in your life.
(20:42):
And don't let your mind talkyou out of it, because your mind
is going to show you a milliondifferent reasons why you
shouldn't do this.
But that's just because it'strying to keep the status quo.
It's a very normal thing.
It's trying to protect you,it's trying to help you.
So go into robot mode, be likethank you, mind, thank you
anxiety, for trying to help me.
We're going to turn this offright now and we're going to try
something different.
(21:02):
And it's okay if it doesn'twork out, even if you think, oh
man, it's going to make my lifeso much more stressful if it
doesn't work out.
You know it might be morestressful if you just perpetuate
what's happening.
You're allowed to make a mistake.
You're allowed for things tonot go perfectly and the
universe has a funny way ofworking things out If you just
create that positive intention,that positive momentum, and have
(21:26):
your intention set on takingcare of yourself first.
So let's talk about some simplethings you can do as a
caretaker to take care ofyourself first and help manage
your anxiety.
So first is coming back to thepresent moment, because anxiety
is living in the future.
So, no matter what is going onin your life right now, I want
(21:47):
you to come back to the presentmoment, just take a couple deep
breaths, whether you're on awalk or in your car or cleaning
your house.
I want you to just take amoment to become absorbed in
this present moment and you cananchor yourself in the present
moment by bringing yourawareness to your breath, bring
(22:10):
your awareness to your body, toyour hands, your fingers, your
toes, noticing how your bodyfeels.
And you don't have to be in ameditation right now with closed
eyes.
You can just check in with yourbody and embody your body
instead of being in your mind.
(22:31):
And then I want you to imaginethat anxiety is an entity.
Maybe it's a glowing ball oflight, maybe it's a cartoon
character, maybe you feel it ina specific place in your body.
I want you to notice what youfeel when you think of anxiety
and where it's living and, likeI said, give it a shape or a
(22:53):
form and then imagine thatyou're having a conversation
with it.
What would you say to it?
Would you say, shut the F upand stop bugging me?
What if you were to talk to itlike a small child?
You wouldn't say that to asmall child, hopefully.
How would you show itcompassion if it was having a
(23:16):
temper tantrum, trying to getits way and show you all the bad
things that could happen?
How would you talk to thissmall child?
How would you counsel it?
How would you highlightsecurity and stability and how
that is possible, not only thebad things that could happen?
Now, what would it say back toyou?
(23:37):
What would it be like to have aconversation with your anxiety?
What would it be like to sootheit and comfort it, to show it
love and maybe to even see howit's trying to protect you?
What would it be like if youhad gratitude for its protection
(23:58):
?
And if you're taking time to gothrough this practice, notice
what shifts in your body whenyou start to view anxiety as
separate from yourself and toshow it compassion and love.
Maybe it's wounded, so treat itlike a sick entity, a wounded
(24:23):
or hurt part of yourself.
Viewing anxiety in this framehas been a game changer in my
life, because for so long I justwanted it to go away.
I just wanted it to stopbothering me and stop
controlling my life.
And I'm going to be honest withyou.
There are times when I stillhave anxiety.
(24:46):
That's overwhelming, but thetimes that I have anxiety are
more few and far between andthey don't last as long, because
I've shifted my relationshipwith anxiety.
I've started to look at it asjust a part of me that is having
an experience, and some of thereasons why it's acting the way
(25:09):
it is is because of past eventsthat I've experienced that were
destabilizing and felt unsafe,and that anxiety is truly trying
to help me.
And when I remember that, I'mnot trying to force it to go
away anymore.
I'm instead trying tounderstand it and make peace
(25:30):
with it.
And that is such a more lovingapproach to myself, and it's the
same way I wish to approachothers who struggle, but taking
time to listen to your anxietyand talk with it.
That is a form of self-love andself-care, that is a form of
(25:52):
giving to yourself first andwhen you do that, everyone wins
and then creating a healthierexpectation.
With anxiety can also be a gamechanger, like I said, not
needing it to go away andsometimes it's easy to look at
your current emotional state asa marker of progress.
(26:16):
And, like I said, for me, Iexperience less anxiety in my
life, especially when I approachit this way.
But when I experience anxietyor a panic attack, it doesn't
mean that I've done it all wrong, I've lost all progress on my
spiritual path, that I'm alwaysgoing to be stuck in this way
(26:36):
forever.
It can be more of a red flagthat life is out of balance and
that it's time to start noticingsmall, simple things you can do
to bring your life back intobalance.
Like I said, it doesn't have tobe a big overhaul.
Just choose one simple thingand focus on that one thing.
(26:58):
Decide what action you canstart taking tomorrow or in this
moment, right now, to bring alittle bit more stability and
security into your life, becausethose feelings are the opposite
of anxiety.
Anxiety is lack, depletion, notenough resources, not enough
(27:20):
control, fear, instability,insecurity.
That is abundance, that ishaving what you need, that is
abundance, that is having whatyou need, and the universe is
here to support you and give youwhat you need because you
deserve it.
Just by being human you deserveit.
You don't have to take care ofeveryone and do everything and
(27:42):
make it look easy and perfect tobe worthy and deserve a
peaceful, grounded sense ofbeing on this planet.
And so that's the littlepractice that I have for you
today, and play with it Like anypractice.
It's not a one and done.
This is a podcast episode,obviously, so you can re-listen
(28:03):
to it over and over again.
You could do some writingaround those questions.
You can incorporate thosequestions into a morning
meditation or an afternoon orevening meditation whenever you
feel anxious.
And then I have more anxietyrelief tools that are free for
you on my website.
It's called Stepping Off theChaos Roller Coaster Three
(28:26):
Simple Steps for Anxiety Relief,and in that little freebie I
share three practices that youcan do for yourself to shift
your anxiety.
And then there's also a freeanxiety relief meditation
attached.
So again, that's stepping offthe chaos rollercoaster Three
Simple Steps for Anxiety Relief.
(28:47):
You can find the link in theshow notes too, and, man, you
know this life journey is goingto keep on throwing those
challenges your way, but thereis a way to stay connected to
yourself and have a morepeaceful experience through
life's ups and downs.
(29:07):
And if you're struggling today,just know that you're not alone
and that this too shall pass,because one of the promises it's
a Buddhist promise.
I can't remember the name ofthe promises.
If you've studied Buddhismyou'll be like I know what the
one this is you know.
But one of the only guaranteesin life is change, and we've all
seen that everything changes,sometimes for the better,
(29:31):
sometimes not for the better.
But if you're uncomfortableright now, know that it's
possible to shift into apositive direction.
You don't have to wait tillyou're in more pain to shift
Really.
Reach out for support, askothers for help, give yourself
permission to take care ofyourself.
Find your oxygen mask mask.
(29:51):
Put that on first.
But don't struggle alone.
Reach out, find a friend, reachout to me.
I'm wishing you so much loveand laughter on your spiritual
journey and I look forward toconnecting again with you soon.
All right, until next time,take care.
Hi, I'm Alessandra Tolome Hard, aka Mrs Hard, and
this is Hard Times no More, apodcast for people who are tired
of struggling with boundaries,people-pleasing and relationship
problems.
I have overcome some hard times.
Within three years, I stoppeddrinking, my mom died of cancer
and my house burnt down in aCalifornia wildfire, and those
(00:22):
are just the highlights.
I have a lot of reasons to bemiserable, but I'm not.
The truth is, life was morechallenging before these events
happened.
If you are tired of waiting foryour circumstances to change to
find happiness and peace ofmind, you are in the right place
.
Join me as I share the tools Iuse in love to transform
(00:43):
challenges into assets andinterview others about their
relationship journeys.
Together, let's learn how tohave a happy life full of
healthy, meaningfulrelationships and say goodbye to
hard times for good.
Hey there, welcome to the HardTimes no More Relationship
(01:04):
Podcast.
I'm Alessandra Tolomey Hart,aka Mrs Hart, your host.
Oh man, it's been a littlewhile since I last sat down to
create a podcast episode, andthat is because so much has been
going on, so many good things.
First off, on May 19th, whichhas already passed, leisha and I
(01:26):
moved our movement andmeditation class to the Garden
Brewery in downtown Napa, andthat was such an amazing class.
The new location is awesome.
It has these beautiful hangingplants everywhere, and we had
about 20 people show up for theevent and they were all age
(01:46):
ranges.
Some had knee problems, somehad hip problems, some had old
injuries, some were newer togetting back into working out,
and some people were workoutprofessionals, and the class was
incredible in the sense that ithad something for everyone.
Leisha did an amazing job withmodifications and so for people
(02:09):
who needed to be a little bitmore gentle and easy with their
bodies, they had no problemgetting a great workout in
without injuring themselves.
And then people who are moreadvanced and like a tougher
workout.
They also really enjoyed theclass because Leisha definitely
knows how to get the bloodflowing, the heart pumping and
how to create a really funenvironment, and she really
(02:33):
brings people together too, andso the sense of community was
very strong there and I had sucha great time leading a guided
meditation and little talk atthe end.
And our next movement inmeditation class is on June 23,
2024 at the garden Again.
That's going to be our new spot, our new location, and we're
(02:55):
doing one Sunday a month and wehave 25 spots available, and by
the time you're listening tothis, tickets will have just
gone on sale.
And so if you're listening tothis around June 23rd 2024, grab
your ticket and you can findthe link in the show notes for
that.
The class starts at 8.15 in themorning on Sunday, june 23rd,
(03:19):
and so this will be a greatopportunity for you to get your
exercise done before you dowhatever you need to do for the
rest of the day, whether it'sgoing to Trader Joe's or Whole
Foods, grabbing some groceries,doing your last minute chores
like laundry, and going to yourkids games or your grandkids
games.
This event is the best way tostart your Sunday.
(03:42):
And then Dr Debbie VictoriaSteele and I just hosted the
Awaken Retreat on June 2nd 2024.
So for me, as I'm recordingthis, it was the most recent
Sunday that it just passed, andthat was such an amazing
experience.
We had five participants.
We like to keep our retreatsmall and intimate so that
(04:03):
people get to know each otherand so that it's a safe, secure
place to share and that peoplehave time to share and process.
People received hands-onhealing, aura healing, everyone
received a transmedium healing,and then I led the Find your
Flow workshop part one and twoand our goal was to help people
(04:24):
create clarity and reallyconnect with their true selves.
And hearing from the people whoexperienced the retreat mission
accomplished and they felt moreconnected to themselves, more
grounded and had such abeautiful experience.
And really, when you do aretreat, it's so magical because
(04:44):
the right people show up forthat retreat.
You know like you're meant tobe there and the people who are
there with you are meant to bethere, and it's just a magical,
amazing experience.
I just love it and I can't wait.
We're going to host anotherAwaken retreat in the fall, and
so there's so many more amazingthings to look forward to.
(05:05):
And I practice what I preach.
And so when you see that I'mdoing best of episodes, it's
because I'm taking a little bitmore time to focus on some other
projects, because,unfortunately, time is a semi
limiting factor.
It doesn't have to be toolimiting, but I do have to
respect the loss of time, and soI get to make more time in my
(05:27):
schedule by sharing some of themost popular episodes that maybe
you haven't heard of before,and so I'm happy to be back here
today sharing a new podcastepisode with you, and today we
are going to talk about secretsof managing anxiety for
caregivers, because if you arelike me, you are a caretaker or
(05:48):
a caregiver in one way oranother.
Like I've mentioned before, myfather's had multiple sclerosis
my whole life and for many yearsI was one of his primary
caretakers and then I became amassage therapist and I've
always gravitated towards takingcare of other people in my life
and then became a wellnesscoach.
(06:09):
And if you're a caregiver, youknow that your anxiety isn't
just about what's happening inyour life for you.
Your anxiety also stems to thepeople that you love, that
you're caring for, who are closeto you.
For example, I've shared beforethat during a time when I was a
caregiver for my father, mywell-being was so closely tied
(06:32):
to how he was doing.
If he was doing well, I wasdoing well.
If he wasn't doing well, Iwasn't doing well.
And that was before I hadhealthy boundaries with him in
our relationship, and so Iwasn't only managing my own
stress and anxiety, I was tryingto manage his.
And that's a tricky thing thatwe can fall into as caregivers,
because we can become attachedto so many people in our lives
(06:56):
and sometimes we think we haveto be that involved in that
attached, and I'm going to tellyou right out the gate that
believing that you have to be soinvolved isn't always true or
good for the relationship.
It depends on your specificsituation.
But just keep an open mind tothe fact that you may not need
(07:18):
to be as responsible as youthink you need to be for the
people you care for in your life, and we're going to get more
into that.
And this topic is so importantbecause, as a caregiver, it is
really hard to take care ofyourself.
First, because you see how somany other people need your help
(07:39):
, need your love, need yoursupport, need you to run errands
for them, need you to pick uptheir medication, need you to
counsel them, to be there forthem, to be their rock, to be
their support.
And you may be thinking youknow I'm doing just fine.
It's really these other peoplethat need help.
They need help, they need helpand the focus is always on them.
But what you don't realize isthat when you take care of
(08:02):
yourself, you are taking care ofthem.
You are helping them more thanjust focusing on them and
helping them with their problemsor supporting them through
their process or their lifesituation.
Like they say on the airplane,and like I've said before, put
your oxygen mask on first, andthis can be challenging, but
(08:24):
it's way more rewarding than itis challenging.
And so first let's talk aboutwhere your anxiety may be coming
from.
So I used to study Easternmedicine, ayurveda, which is
medicine from India, and there'sone personality type that's
called Vata, and Vata is thepersonality type that tends
towards anxiety.
(08:45):
And when anxiety is present,it's because this personality
type is living too much in thefuture.
They are too much in their head.
They're trying to anticipatethe next move, what's going to
happen, to keep themselves safe.
They also tend to be dry, whichmeans that they're not hydrated
(09:07):
enough that they may be dry inthe sense of feeling a lack of
inspiration or joy in lifebecause their internal reservoir
is dry.
And to have a more lush,fulfilling internal reservoir,
you need to have space for joyin your life.
(09:28):
You need to be able to spice itup, do something new, visit
someplace new, take time to carefor yourself, do something that
lights that internal fire thatkeeps your internal river
flowing, and a big part of thatis joy and happiness when you
feel like life is mundane andyou're just doing the same thing
over and over again, likeGroundhog Day.
(09:48):
That will definitely createdryness in your life, and that
dryness that lack a dry rivercreates anxiety.
In Eastern medicine that's aconcept that I love.
Your anxiety is trying to helpyou out.
It is like a watchdog.
It's on high alert, being readyfor the next threat.
And sometimes that anxiety isbecause you have been through a
(10:11):
lot.
Maybe your house is burnt down,maybe you've had failed
relationships in the past, maybeyou've had somebody close to
you pass away recently or becomehurt, and so your anxiety is
trying to help you out.
It's trying to prepare you forthe next shoe to drop when it
drops.
That's what your anxietybelieves, and so it's really
(10:32):
paying attention to what'scoming next, what is on the
horizon, what's threatening toyou.
And there are two statistics Ifound.
The first says that caregivers,particularly those who provide
care for a family member, oftenexperience high levels of stress
and anxiety.
The second says that theprevalence of anxiety among
women is significant.
According to the Anxiety andDepression Association of
(10:55):
America, anxiety disordersaffect 40 million adults in the
United States, with women beingmore affected than men.
This statistic underscores theimportance of addressing anxiety
in female caretakers, and thismakes sense because that
emotional burden you carry as acaregiver is real and it
depletes your resources, whichis why it's even more important
(11:18):
for you to put yourself first.
And I believe that has to dowith, as women, how our
boundaries play out and how weare emotionally attached, more
than men, to the people we'reclose to in our lives.
And so now let's talk about thereal source of anxiety.
I know we already touched onthis, but anxiety stems from
(11:38):
your mind.
It stems from your perceptionof your relationships, your
boundaries, your current lifesituation, your past experience.
And it's good news that itlives in your mind, because that
means that you actually don'tneed people, places and things
to change for you to feel morepeace.
And maybe you feel like oh,that's great, mrs Hard, like I
(12:02):
don't need people, places andthings to change, but I still
have this anxiety.
So let's talk about why it'sstill hanging around.
The number one reason why ourcurrent states are hard to shift
is because they are familiar,even if they're uncomfortable.
They are familiar and we maynot even be aware of the fact
that we're perpetuating the samereality.
(12:23):
Because it is familiar, because, even if it's uncomfortable,
our subconscious and our egofeel like they know what's going
to happen next.
They know how the story goes,they know how this game is
played, and so the familiarityon some level creates safety and
stability, even if it'suncomfortable.
(12:44):
And shifting your perspectivecan be a choice, because what I
see happen in what I'veexperienced is that things had
to get really uncomfortable inthe past before I would make a
change, and the more in tune Ibecame with myself and the more
I trusted the support of theuniverse and the support of
(13:06):
people around me, the lessdiscomfort I had to feel before
I made a change.
Because there's this like seesawimagine discomfort on one side
and then your fear of the nextstep, of trying something new,
on the other side.
Your discomfort sometimes hasto be greater than your fear of
taking the next step, becausethe next step is new, it's
(13:29):
different.
Your ego doesn't know what'sgoing to happen when you try
something new in your life, andso that's why it's so scary.
But, depending on where you areon the spiritual path, the more
you trust yourself, the moreyou trust the universe, the more
you have an open mind, the moreyou have willingness and the
more awareness you have aboutyour situation and what you want
(13:52):
to change, the less pain youhave to feel before deciding to
make that shift, because theunknown isn't as scary.
And so first you have to decideyou have to make a change, that
there's no other option andthat this change has to happen
for you.
(14:13):
And if people don't like thechange that you need to make in
your life, you have to find aplace of trust within yourself
and trust in the universe orwhatever you believe in, that
it's going to work out and thattaking care of yourself, even if
it might cause a rift or aconflict in your relationships,
(14:34):
is ultimately going to benefityour relationships, because when
you take care of yourself, thepeople close to you in your life
benefit just as much as you do.
And self-care isn't just bubblebaths and long days off,
detached from everyone andeverything.
Self-care can be boundaries,and so maybe you need to set
(14:55):
some boundaries.
As a caregiver, that is one ofthe biggest game changers that I
see caregivers make in theirlife.
When deciding to step up andcare for themselves is creating
boundaries with the people thatthey're caring for, with
obligations, with overcommitting, and start with just one
boundary.
Start with one thing that youwant to change, because our
(15:17):
lives are like a spider web, inthe sense that everything is
connected to everything else andwhen you change just one thing,
it can change the entire web,all of the little connections.
And so you don't always have todo this big overhaul.
You can just start with onething and if making a change is
really scary, keep that onething very simple.
(15:37):
But just commit to one thingand see how that change does
benefit you.
It does benefit yourrelationships.
For example, maybe you have achallenging mother-in-law and
she is really negative and lovesto vent to you about
challenging things that she'sgoing through, and it creates a
(16:00):
really negative relationshipbetween you and her and you're a
caregiver in the sense of likeyou're caring for her emotions,
but when you know you're goingto spend time with her, it
causes anxiety in your life.
And maybe you're a mom andmaybe you are caring for people
professionally too and you'reused to holding space for other
(16:22):
people to have their feelings.
If you have little kids, I'msure you have to hold space for
them to have their feelings,even when it's inconvenient.
And when you're a coach or aninstructor or massage therapist
or chiropractor, sometimesyou're holding space in your
professional practice for peopleto have their feelings, their
emotions, their pain, theirprocess.
(16:44):
But sometimes then that carriesinto our personal lives and you
may not want to disrupt thestatus quo or make someone feel
uncomfortable by placing aboundary, and so you just let
them emote and talk negatively,and this creates anxiety when
you know you're going to spendtime with them, and it creates
(17:06):
anxiety because you don't knowhow you're going to shift the
relationship and you're afraidthat the person will think you
don't care and become resentful.
And then it's just one morething you got to take care of if
this person isn't happy.
And so there's a lot ofthoughts and momentum around
this situation and it's verymuch in your mind because I know
(17:27):
this sounds harsh, but none ofthese things have actually
happened in terms of what youthink might happen if you do
create the boundary, becauseyou're like you know, I know
this person, I know it's goingto be bad, but in my experience,
my mom and I had a relationshipfor a period of time in which
all we talked about was myfather and how challenging he
(17:48):
was to take care of, because hewould call my mom like three or
four times a day asking her torun errands and pick him up
things from the store, and shewas working in San Francisco all
day, like she wasn't in town.
She didn't have a lot of time.
She was coming home at like 7PM 8 PM, and he always had this
list of things he needed her todo and it just added extra
(18:09):
things onto my mom's plate thatshe didn't have time for.
And then he had a lot ofmedical emergencies and he had a
lot of frustration and issueswith various things, and it
created a lot of guilt for mymom, and so she would vent to me
, and this happened for severalyears and our relationship
became solely focused on myfather.
And then this one day I had aconversation with her and I
(18:32):
remember saying you know, mom, Ifeel like all we talk about is
dad and I really miss connectingwith you about other things.
Is there any chance we couldjust stop talking about dad,
because I really love our timetogether and I feel like this is
taking up too much energy, andI was so surprised by her
response.
She was, like you know, I'dactually been thinking about
(18:55):
that, and I do agree that thishas become too much of a focus
in our relationship and that Iwon't talk about your father
that much anymore, and she tonedit down to like 80% of the time
we didn't talk about my dad andthen 20% of the time we did,
and it wasn't this huge focalpoint anymore.
It didn't mean that she couldnever talk about him again, but
it was just a lot less.
(19:16):
So that was way, way better andit shifted our relationship
from being more stressful andhaving this negative momentum to
being more positive.
And I know everyone's situationis different and sometimes
people you talk to aren't asintrospective, and that may be
the case in your situation.
But instead of creating somebig boundary, maybe try thinking
(19:39):
of like a small shift you canmake with that person and
vocalizing something that youneed and seeing how it goes,
testing the water.
And also, if you ever want totalk about your more personal
situation one-on-one, you canreach out to me on my website,
mrshardcom, schedule a free30-minute session or you can
(20:00):
find me on Instagram or socialmedia.
Send me a message.
We could talk about your uniquesituation, because I know it's
not a one-size-fits-all.
I know it's not a one size fitsall, but when you lead your
actions with that trust, thatthat desire to have a more
positive relationship with theother person, if you write out
what you want to say ahead oftime, if you want to take care
(20:21):
of yourself, in that way, youknow creating a boundary so that
you're not needing to hold thesame space for your family
members that you aren'tcaregiving for, or, you know,
holding the same space that youcarry into professional life
with your family.
Making these small shifts ineven conversation can make a big
change in your life.
(20:42):
And don't let your mind talkyou out of it, because your mind
is going to show you a milliondifferent reasons why you
shouldn't do this.
But that's just because it'strying to keep the status quo.
It's a very normal thing.
It's trying to protect you,it's trying to help you.
So go into robot mode, be likethank you, mind, thank you
anxiety, for trying to help me.
We're going to turn this offright now and we're going to try
something different.
(21:02):
And it's okay if it doesn'twork out, even if you think, oh
man, it's going to make my lifeso much more stressful if it
doesn't work out.
You know it might be morestressful if you just perpetuate
what's happening.
You're allowed to make a mistake.
You're allowed for things tonot go perfectly and the
universe has a funny way ofworking things out If you just
create that positive intention,that positive momentum, and have
(21:26):
your intention set on takingcare of yourself first.
So let's talk about some simplethings you can do as a
caretaker to take care ofyourself first and help manage
your anxiety.
So first is coming back to thepresent moment, because anxiety
is living in the future.
So, no matter what is going onin your life right now, I want
(21:47):
you to come back to the presentmoment, just take a couple deep
breaths, whether you're on awalk or in your car or cleaning
your house.
I want you to just take amoment to become absorbed in
this present moment and you cananchor yourself in the present
moment by bringing yourawareness to your breath, bring
(22:10):
your awareness to your body, toyour hands, your fingers, your
toes, noticing how your bodyfeels.
And you don't have to be in ameditation right now with closed
eyes.
You can just check in with yourbody and embody your body
instead of being in your mind.
(22:31):
And then I want you to imaginethat anxiety is an entity.
Maybe it's a glowing ball oflight, maybe it's a cartoon
character, maybe you feel it ina specific place in your body.
I want you to notice what youfeel when you think of anxiety
and where it's living and, likeI said, give it a shape or a
(22:53):
form and then imagine thatyou're having a conversation
with it.
What would you say to it?
Would you say, shut the F upand stop bugging me?
What if you were to talk to itlike a small child?
You wouldn't say that to asmall child, hopefully.
How would you show itcompassion if it was having a
(23:16):
temper tantrum, trying to getits way and show you all the bad
things that could happen?
How would you talk to thissmall child?
How would you counsel it?
How would you highlightsecurity and stability and how
that is possible, not only thebad things that could happen?
Now, what would it say back toyou?
(23:37):
What would it be like to have aconversation with your anxiety?
What would it be like to sootheit and comfort it, to show it
love and maybe to even see howit's trying to protect you?
What would it be like if youhad gratitude for its protection
(23:58):
?
And if you're taking time to gothrough this practice, notice
what shifts in your body whenyou start to view anxiety as
separate from yourself and toshow it compassion and love.
Maybe it's wounded, so treat itlike a sick entity, a wounded
(24:23):
or hurt part of yourself.
Viewing anxiety in this framehas been a game changer in my
life, because for so long I justwanted it to go away.
I just wanted it to stopbothering me and stop
controlling my life.
And I'm going to be honest withyou.
There are times when I stillhave anxiety.
(24:46):
That's overwhelming, but thetimes that I have anxiety are
more few and far between andthey don't last as long, because
I've shifted my relationshipwith anxiety.
I've started to look at it asjust a part of me that is having
an experience, and some of thereasons why it's acting the way
(25:09):
it is is because of past eventsthat I've experienced that were
destabilizing and felt unsafe,and that anxiety is truly trying
to help me.
And when I remember that, I'mnot trying to force it to go
away anymore.
I'm instead trying tounderstand it and make peace
(25:30):
with it.
And that is such a more lovingapproach to myself, and it's the
same way I wish to approachothers who struggle, but taking
time to listen to your anxietyand talk with it.
That is a form of self-love andself-care, that is a form of
(25:52):
giving to yourself first andwhen you do that, everyone wins
and then creating a healthierexpectation.
With anxiety can also be a gamechanger, like I said, not
needing it to go away andsometimes it's easy to look at
your current emotional state asa marker of progress.
(26:16):
And, like I said, for me, Iexperience less anxiety in my
life, especially when I approachit this way.
But when I experience anxietyor a panic attack, it doesn't
mean that I've done it all wrong, I've lost all progress on my
spiritual path, that I'm alwaysgoing to be stuck in this way
(26:36):
forever.
It can be more of a red flagthat life is out of balance and
that it's time to start noticingsmall, simple things you can do
to bring your life back intobalance.
Like I said, it doesn't have tobe a big overhaul.
Just choose one simple thingand focus on that one thing.
(26:58):
Decide what action you canstart taking tomorrow or in this
moment, right now, to bring alittle bit more stability and
security into your life, becausethose feelings are the opposite
of anxiety.
Anxiety is lack, depletion, notenough resources, not enough
(27:20):
control, fear, instability,insecurity.
That is abundance, that ishaving what you need, that is
abundance, that is having whatyou need, and the universe is
here to support you and give youwhat you need because you
deserve it.
Just by being human you deserveit.
You don't have to take care ofeveryone and do everything and
(27:42):
make it look easy and perfect tobe worthy and deserve a
peaceful, grounded sense ofbeing on this planet.
And so that's the littlepractice that I have for you
today, and play with it Like anypractice.
It's not a one and done.
This is a podcast episode,obviously, so you can re-listen
(28:03):
to it over and over again.
You could do some writingaround those questions.
You can incorporate thosequestions into a morning
meditation or an afternoon orevening meditation whenever you
feel anxious.
And then I have more anxietyrelief tools that are free for
you on my website.
It's called Stepping Off theChaos Roller Coaster Three
(28:26):
Simple Steps for Anxiety Relief,and in that little freebie I
share three practices that youcan do for yourself to shift
your anxiety.
And then there's also a freeanxiety relief meditation
attached.
So again, that's stepping offthe chaos rollercoaster Three
Simple Steps for Anxiety Relief.
(28:47):
You can find the link in theshow notes too, and, man, you
know this life journey is goingto keep on throwing those
challenges your way, but thereis a way to stay connected to
yourself and have a morepeaceful experience through
life's ups and downs.
(29:07):
And if you're struggling today,just know that you're not alone
and that this too shall pass,because one of the promises it's
a Buddhist promise.
I can't remember the name ofthe promises.
If you've studied Buddhismyou'll be like I know what the
one this is you know.
But one of the only guaranteesin life is change, and we've all
seen that everything changes,sometimes for the better,
(29:31):
sometimes not for the better.
But if you're uncomfortableright now, know that it's
possible to shift into apositive direction.
You don't have to wait tillyou're in more pain to shift
Really.
Reach out for support, askothers for help, give yourself
permission to take care ofyourself.
Find your oxygen mask mask.
(29:51):
Put that on first.
But don't struggle alone.
Reach out, find a friend, reachout to me.
I'm wishing you so much loveand laughter on your spiritual
journey and I look forward toconnecting again with you soon.
All right, until next time,take care.
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