The Most common Arguments couples have around the hoildays! S4:EP9

Making plans and family time, travel, spending money, and loads of more things going on around the holidays can be a lot. How are you handling things guys? we will share points to help you navigate life choices!

• Lazy gift-giving.
• Overspending.
• Let-down expectations.
• Different holiday traditions.
• Holiday party burnout.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hi, this is Pedro and Tara Goddard. Join us on Sundays at 4pm, where we talk about the ups and downs in marriage.

(00:07):
On The Heal My Marriage Podcast, tune in on Inventus Radio London.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. And welcome to Heal My Marriage Podcast.
I'm your host, Pedro. And I'm your host, Tara.

(00:28):
Thank you for joining us. Thank you for joining us.
Well, thank you everybody on The Heal My Marriage Podcast for joining us today.
That's right.
And also everybody on YouTube and Spotify, whatever social platform that you're listening to us on.
That's right.
Well, thank you for joining us.
Don't forget to follow and share and subscribe and share with someone, you know, spread the love all around and get an advice and just listening to different things.

(00:55):
And you have your thinking, you know, change, you know, in a way where you can think differently about certain things.
So just share this content with someone and you never know who you're helping.
True that. Also, support us.
So that's also a plus.
Right. And don't forget to follow us on our Instagram page, our Facebook page.
We have a Facebook group as well on Facebook called Heal My Marriage Podcast.

(01:19):
Also on Instagram is Heal My Marriage of the Squire Podcast.
So if you look for us on any platform, even on Spotify, we're up under that name, Heal My Marriage Podcast.
And you're able to find us, listen, share, follow and make a comment.
Leave a comment and a review.
Yes.
So how you doing today?
I'm doing okay.

(01:40):
I know we're under the weather.
Yes, I am.
This weather in the UK got us cold and coughing.
Cold and cough and sneezing and everything.
Cheese going through.
Yeah, I got to, I might as well because I'm in and out of the car all day.
And it's just hard like you're going to a house that's hot and then come out into the cold and I got to make sure I'm dressed properly.

(02:04):
Right.
Even though you want to hit a way to thing though.
What?
Because you know, with the work car has a sunroof.
So I make sure I put a hat on.
But actually like driving, I find it, if I drive with the sunroof open, even in the cold, is, I don't know, just feels good.
Oh, well, if you got your head covered, you're not making sure I'm not really just hitting you.

(02:27):
So the air is not coming in like if I open the windows, the air comes in and gets down to my feet.
They get cold.
But like, I just like to have air circulating constantly.
You know me for that.
Yeah, I can see that window.
I open, I just, I can't be sitting in a house with closed windows.
Even in the cold, I got at least having crack.
Our son is like that.
If you have his window wide, I'll be like, believe it or not, even though we have our heat on, we still have our heat on.

(02:50):
We still have our fans going.
Yeah, that's true.
Only because it's hot.
It's hot and then cold.
I don't know, it's weird.
Yeah, we're a couple and that's a thing.
We have the heat on, but we should be having the.
Like I have to have the fan on next to my bed so I can relax.
No, that's only, that's only certain times a day you put the fan on.
Yeah, so one minute I have it on and next when I have it off, it depends, you know, but we still have our fans going to have the windows crack.

(03:14):
I think it's important to get, you know, fresh airy and to be smoky and, you know, get really smelly sometimes.
If you don't, if you don't crack the window or something.
I'm a family.
If you're sick, open your windows.
Yeah, because I remember years ago, the kids got sick.
It was real sick.
And I was like, open the window.
He was like, no, it's cold.

(03:35):
And it wasn't really that cold.
He was like, it's cold.
I'm like, open the windows, be open the windows and like within a day and a half, the kids was 100% better.
Yeah. Yeah. So open those windows guys don't, don't funky smells roll through.
It's not about the funky smells.
It's just the germs.
And the germs that go through.
I say what I say.
Each time you make a scene, each time you make a scene like we funky or something up in here.

(03:57):
Listen to what you got young kids and boys and girls and, you know, they like keep some of our clothes and shutting.
Anyway, you know what I'm saying.
Thank you.
You know exactly what I'm talking about.
Anyway, but yeah, yeah.
So we, we, we wasn't going to do that first, but then it was like, we got to do this.
We wanted to do an episode because this probably going to be our last one until we come back.

(04:20):
We're going to take a break.
You know, we just took a break.
But we need to take another break.
It's the holidays.
Okay.
So we take another break.
Okay.
We're taking another break and we'll be back with you guys.
We have to take mental breaks to think about different things to come back with a fresh, you know, with some fresh content.
That's true.
So we got to take a break and this and so today we wanted to cover and talk about the most common arguments couple halves around the holidays.

(04:49):
So this is going to be season four episode eight.
I'm thinking we should go into season five because we have done a lot of episodes.
Yeah, but we're only was episode eight.
We'll continue on to season four.
We come back in January.
Can we want to get up to at least one 20 at least 20 or so?

(05:10):
We get up to 20 episodes and then we go to the new season.
Okay.
When we go to the new season for the spring.
Yeah.
How about that?
You know, spring into the into the forward spring into the new year.
Yeah.
So when we come back guys want to come back with some new fresh stuff for you guys to listen to and enjoy.
And as we enjoy the process as well, because our goal is to help married couples and to give advice over the 18 years of marriage.

(05:36):
We got something to share with you guys.
So we actually do it.
Two years of doing this now.
Yes, it's been two years.
Yes, it's been amazing.
It's been amazing.
And I can't wait to just, you know, get more into it and to just bring more stuff and have fun.
I think I'll go for the new year would be to be more out there consistent and also get more people to listen and watch.

(06:01):
I'm not a big, I'm not trying to be like well known, like, like, oh, you know, I got 10,000 followers or something.
I just want the content to be good and then, you know, to get a good following of people.
Yeah.
I would love to get, you know, at least five.
And how we do that is that you guys share and follow and like on our platforms and leave a review, you know, on our YouTube, Spotify, Instagram, all of those things.

(06:30):
And we all go over there and share and like and do those things.
Yeah, while we be more consistent.
So that's the thing.
All right, we're going to get right into it.
So what you got this off the Huffington Post?
Yes.
Did I say this is season four?
Why are you repeating yourself?
I wasn't sure if I said that.

(06:51):
We talked about that.
I was just, wait, wait, because you said let's go into season five and I'm like, we can do season five.
We only got eight episodes.
Right.
You just said that.
Okay.
Anyway, that's a sickness.
I just wanted to make sure I said that season four episode nine.
I said it again.
So yeah, anyway, you hate when I do that.
So how's it going?
You do it.
It's okay.

(07:12):
I'm just repeating yourself, sweetie.
Why are you repeating yourself?
Yeah, I'm repeating yourself.
But we know around the holidays that it could get very crazy with spending and family and all of these different things.
There's traditional things that happens in in relationships and families that we want to sometimes keep going or start our new ones on ourselves with our own family.

(07:34):
So, you know, it's important for us to talk about these things and to just lay it out there.
Yeah, so one of the first things that is definitely it started argument is, you know, seeing the in-laws.
Yeah.
Oh my goodness.
Yeah.
Fighting with the in-laws.
Number one.
Our issue is not so bad because your in-laws are in the States.

(07:57):
My in-laws are in the States.
Mm-hmm.
And my mom was actually, yeah.
Well, just for the first time in a while.
Yeah.
Before that day, she was in the States too.
Yeah.
So, because we both lost our fathers.
So, my mother's in the States, but she's now in Scotland.
Right.
So, we actually are going up to visit next week.

(08:21):
Yeah.
But my mom is a sweetheart, so.
Yeah.
We have had our issues, we're both in-laws in the past.
We had a couple of disagreements, which is no more when you have in-laws.
Yeah.
Because, you know, depending on the family and how, you know, how they is, you know,
some people, like my family, they loud and ghetto, which I know that, you know what I'm saying?

(08:45):
They more than loud and ghetto.
So, you know, I'm okay with that.
And I love everything about my family, okay?
I do.
I do, but I know they can be very opinionated.
Opinionated?
You know.
Overbearing.
Right.
So, depending on what's going on in your circle, like, I remember the first time I broke Pedro
over the thing.
I don't know if they're loved because of they watching it.
I don't know that.

(09:06):
I don't want them to be like.
No, I don't.
No, I remember when I first boomed Pedro around my family, everybody was like, oh, who is
that?
You know, everybody going to know who he was, what he was doing.
Oh, stop it.
You know, what his profession was, you know, you know, just the one to know, they want
to know the whole degree about him, you know, before he just walked through the door, you
know.
So, they asking questions.

(09:27):
Oh, girls.
So, you know, they asking all of that.
They want to know stuff and, and, you know, if they feel somewhere, they're going to say
it right then, you know, they do not hold a tongue.
Okay.
They very.
Forstress and the way we talk to each other, that's how we communicate.
Yeah, we allow people.
So, sometimes when we in the, we could be all in the same room, we all at high pitch,
you know what I'm saying?

(09:48):
But it is, you know, that's how we are.
I'll come from a singing background.
So, we all loud.
You know, remember when I first met your family and I had to get you know, the issue, the
issue wasn't really, they, the whole issue was what kind of job that I had.
Yeah.
And was I doing something illegal?
Yeah.
So, that was, no, I remember the first time.
I'm going to tell the story.

(10:10):
My perspective.
So, I remember it was actually for your father's funeral.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
It was actually a father's funeral.
But no, no scratch, scratch before the end, when, when my father, mother first met you,
she, you had on this, um, you came, you came in the scrub.
So, they thought he was a doctor.
So, I went along with it.
Okay.
So, I was like, yeah, yeah.
I forgot about that part.

(10:31):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then it's like, oh, he adopted.
Oh my gosh.
So, you know, they had.
That's only because I was driving an affinity.
They j30, which was like a business class, you know, kind of.
It's like, they was like, look at the goal.
It was shining.
Because I cleaned it.
And this is when we was dating.
We weren't even married yet.
So, you know, they all, they all, my family, they stay up in your business.

(10:52):
Which, you know, it is what it is.
Go ahead, baby.
But yeah, I forgot about that.
Yeah.
They stay up in your business.
Then they found out that I was a healthcare.
Yeah.
At the bottomist.
And I was like, okay.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then, you know, but, you know, we, they, they, they, they was lukewarm with me at first.
And, but I understand.
I was hot, baby.

(11:13):
They did not like you.
No, I understand because you was like 21 and I'm 30, two kids, two ex-wives.
Cause I was honest with all of those.
So, they was like, you know, what, you know, what you got planned for my daughter.
And I, you know, so I understand why, you know, I'll be the same way with my daughters.
So I'm not even going to, you know, fault them for that.
So, hey, you know, it was, it was all good.
I had to just keep a love ahead, you know, and, and, you know, but the main, the one

(11:39):
thing I remember when we moved to New York and they didn't, I was driving truck.
They didn't believe I was driving truck.
No, they didn't.
And then this is, I honestly believed, I've always said this, honestly believe this is
when like things changed.
This is before we had kids.
Right.
This is before we had kids, but this is when things changed with, with them kind of starting

(12:00):
to like me a little bit.
Yeah.
Is when they didn't believe I was driving truck.
They thought I was out there.
I don't know what they thought.
Maybe I was out there, you know, running around on you or something or cheating or I don't
know what they thought.
You know, I didn't ask them, but you know, they thought something was going, something
wasn't right in their minds.
And then that day my boss was like, yo, you know, your father-in-law just passed.
When you go to Miami, from Miami, swing up to George, you know, swing up to Birmingham

(12:24):
and stop off for the funeral.
He made it just, he made it, we coordinated so I could do that right for the funeral.
Yeah.
So that morning I popped, I literally, of that morning, I drove up, came around the, because
she was in the photo set, so came around the circle and then parked right in front of your
mom's house.
And as soon as I went, I pushed the button and all the air just hissed out.

(12:47):
Hey, I was like, what was that?
And all of a sudden all these people start coming out.
And it was like, who's that?
We have been married for about a year.
Yeah.
And I jumped out the truck and it was like, oh, he really does drive a truck.
They didn't believe it.
They did not.
They did not believe it.

(13:09):
Visual health, but seen as believing it.
Oh, and it's actually 18 wheeler.
Oh, wow.
Oh, girl, he's driving the truck.
Yeah, that was like, okay.
You know, one thing, you know, you know, was one thing I wanted to say most times in families,
your family opinion matters, you know, and I'm saying, and for me, my opinion, my family

(13:30):
opinion did matter.
You know, it played a big role in my life.
And, you know, depending on what they said and what they thought, I was like, maybe, you
know, you know, they'll have you thinking all type of things, you know, making you doubt
what's in your relationship and your marriage because you're just like, girl, maybe he ain't
doing what you think he's doing.
You know, so I had that's something I definitely had to learn and grow as time went on and

(13:56):
stuff like that.
But during the holidays, so we stick up to that point.
So during the holidays, it's like, I bring, you know, Pedro around, you know, they saw
him, you know, if they have something to say, most times, you know, they didn't really get
out of pocket too much, you know what I'm saying?
And if they did, I always had his back.
Yeah, then I had to make sure.
Well, you have my back because, you know, I had a mouth.

(14:19):
Yeah, I'll say something back out of pocket.
Because, you know, I will speak my mind.
Because most, you know, my family, they just they pop off at the mouth, you know, Pedro
family a little bit different, you know, saying that thing.
That's when was the first time you took me around your family?
Oh, seven.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

(14:40):
I remember me.
No, no, seven, no, no, seven, because we went, we went up because we went to Bermuda
for a honeymoon.
Yeah, but I'm saying before we went, we went to New York.
Yeah, I remember me.
It was actually, it was actually around the holidays.
Yeah, because we went to Bermuda in December.
Yeah.
Yes, yes.
Yeah.
And don't forget me.
And it was on November.

(15:02):
Who were you?
She said one in that.
Yeah, exactly.
You praying the, I was like, no, I'm not praying.
What do you mean?
She was like, auntie was, auntie was one of a kind.
She definitely she just passed a couple of years ago.
Yeah, I missed her.
I miss her voice too.
She'd be like, I know they'll be calling me Peter.

(15:25):
Being around Pedro family wasn't, it didn't feel overwhelming.
You know what I mean?
It was more like, they was more shocked because remember, I was in New York.
I was in New York, I left and I came back married and it was like, wait a minute.
What?
What?
Just like, cause I left and I had just been up there too.
So, you know, cause remember we met in February, we got married in October.

(15:48):
So I think I was up there earlier and then I came back and then we met.
Right.
And they knew all of you.
But yeah, I think my mother even said to her, you got married that girl on.
I was like, I don't know.
You know, you will see what happens.
She was like, I was up there, I was in the house, I was in the house, and I was like,

(16:10):
I'm married.
And she was like, really?
Yeah, I know.
But I would say during the holidays, if you, if you over your family house and things
are, you know how your family is, you know, I think the husband, you know,
like you said, before they go in, you know what I'm saying?
Look, this happened, you know, cause most times when you're around your family,

(16:31):
you're like, I'm not going to go into a mode of this is, you know, like for me, I was the
oldest sister.
So it was always, our towers, our towers do this, you know, do that or whatever.
And you sometimes can lose yourself in that.
And you know, until your husband or your spouse has to bring you back and be like,
wait, you know, come back, you know, to this, this point to where we are now.
So you won't, you know, lose your space.

(16:53):
If I'm saying that right.
Well, yeah, because you know what I think about it?
I was the oldest to my mother, not to my father, but I was the oldest to my mother.
And I think one thing that you had to get adjusted to was my mother would just call
me randomly and be like, I need you to help me do this.
Or if you can, I need you to help me do that.
And sometimes it would take me away for a minute or take my attention away to go do,

(17:18):
you know, help my mother.
And I think I was blessing that way that because you already had that kind of
relationship with your mother where you understood you was okay with me, you know,
because someone would be like, like, why is your mother calling you so much?
Why are you, you know, why, why she's always like actually to do something.

(17:41):
Sometimes I'd be like, that I like my life.
I'd be like, that you know, you're like, you're like, he does your mother.
Right.
I definitely knew how it was because I had that, you know what I mean?
My mama called me or she asked me to do this or even my siblings or whatever.
It was just always that, you know, so it's just, you know, run the holidays.
It's just knowing, knowing, knowing that you have a family, you have your husband,

(18:05):
you have your children and your family comes second.
Right.
And your family come first.
So it's just knowing the balance with that.
So.
You're going to write, you're talking about the common thing and you are writing to the,
to the, to the sovereignty right away.
Oh, I thought he was going to solve it at the end, but that's okay.

(18:27):
It's okay.
No, because no, no, it's cool.
We can solve it now too.
We can talk about it and solve it at the same time.
Right.
Communication.
Most times going into family homes and people and you meeting family and stuff,
you know, sometimes, you know, they're going to throw it right at you.
And sometimes they just depends on the people.
I know that's what I'm saying.
But yeah, you know, but, um, so that's one, one of the things that's one thing is lazy gift giving.

(18:54):
We don't do, we don't change.
We don't change with each other.
Yeah, I don't think we're lazy either, but we don't, we don't really go big on our gifts.
I actually thought about getting you something this Christmas and I was looking into.
I'm good.
And I was like, Oh, I want to get Pedro something.

(19:15):
Yeah, but I'm good though.
As you know, you know me, but now I'm good.
Yeah.
I'm a firm believer of like even with the children, like, and with you.
So like your birthdays, five days before Christmas.
So I would tell people.
So I tell my wife, you get, you get, you know, you may get two gifts.
You may get one gift.
So either if you get two gifts, one of the gifts is big is either birthday or Christmas

(19:38):
and the other gift is then a small.
Right.
You know, and that's how that's how.
But this is, this is my thing with this whole Christmas and gift thing.
I really want to, you know, show that it's not about gift.
It's about spending enough time together as a family because you don't get time back.
So I think it's important for us to spend time together and the gifts are good.

(20:01):
I mean, you know, the gifts are nice.
That's, that's all good and dandy, but people like some people like gifts.
I'm just saying, good.
That's what I'm just saying.
Gifts can be good for some people, but I'm just saying, like, especially for kids, you know,
this growing up around the holidays and all of that, you want to get them something, but
I just, you know, going overboard can be quite, you know, because I think we are with overboard

(20:23):
at a lot of times, you know, like I said, that's baby, you're jumping.
No, no, I'm just saying, and I'm talking about in the sense of like, give me, you don't
change gifts and we don't do family change gifts.
Like we want to see family.
We don't change gifts with them.
No, we don't.
We don't do that.
Grandma will, you know, she's like, Oh, you know, I want to make sure they got something
another game from grandma, but just know that's the grandmother thing.

(20:46):
Yeah.
But we don't, I mean, we, I tell people at a time, we don't, we don't put up a Christmas
tree.
We don't.
We used to when they were younger.
No, only the first year.
And then we had a discussion and I said, look, this is, it doesn't even make any sense.
We're wasting, we are, we're going to get into the next subject.
We're overspending.
So I was like, we need to, we need to downsize and where we're downsizing is we don't need

(21:09):
a tree.
We don't, we don't, we don't need all that for the Christmas spirit.
We know it's Christmas.
We get the kids gifts.
I don't even wrap them.
We just get the gifts and put them on the couch and sections.
Boom, boom, boom.
They walk down.
That's yours, Junior.
That's your sky.
That's your kaya.
And they, and, you know, and they get one.
Like maybe they were younger.

(21:30):
We did.
We did go overboard when they were younger.
Yeah.
Because we were, we were, we would have a discussion.
This is my wife.
Wait, wait, wait, real quick.
So this is about the overspending part, right?
So we on the overspending.
Yeah.
I'm talking about the thing.
Well, yeah, I was about to get to that.
But just being lazy, we was not lazy at all in the beginning.
Yeah.
But we're going to get it.

(21:51):
We kind of ran into overspending.
So the next point is overspending.
We didn't really touch on lazy giving, but anyway, overspending.
So I remember when we was first getting together, because I remember
when I had my two oldest boys and I was in Georgia.
And I remember one year I went absolutely, but the anchors,

(22:12):
I mean, I went boo-boo for cocoa puffs.
You spank like crazy.
What?
I bought, can't remember the name, Beyblades.
I think people remember the, or this is the UK, but in the States it was,
no, it was used about like these arenas and you had these Beyblades.
You put them on a string, like on a plastic thing and you rip it
and then it spins real fast and they hit each other and they kind of, you know.

(22:36):
Oh, I think I know what you're talking about.
And I got that.
I got like action figures.
I got cars.
You went crazy.
I went, trust me, I went crazy.
I'm talking about the tree was full.
It was touching the bottom of the tree all the way around.
Wow.
And I just, I was broke.
So broke like the next couple of weeks I was struggling.

(22:58):
Oh my God.
And I said, I'm never going to, and then they didn't even play with the toys for that long.
And I was like, I'm never doing this again.
Never doing that again.
So when I met you and we got, I was like, look, we did it.
We did it a couple of times.
Only because of you.
Not just because of me.
No, no.
Carl, yes, because of you, because we, I'm blaming you.
I'm blaming you.
Blame, blunder.
Anyway, cause I'll be like, babe, we can just get this.

(23:22):
But you know, let's get this.
Let's get the girl some dogs.
Let's get them some dog houses and all of this type of stuff.
Let's get them some LOLs.
Let's get them some dead.
I'm like, and then you know, we spending 300 a piece on them.
I'm like, no, why?

(23:43):
No, we set a budget.
We set a budget for the toys.
We'll sit up there and collect dust.
Just like I am toys going right now.
Brand new stuff underneath the bed.
It's just with dust.
We're going to be on the bus under the bed.
She don't even, she places that thing once a year.
I had to get rid of half of that stuff because I was like,
he ain't even playing with none of this stuff.
No, not that LOL.

(24:04):
Cause I said, no, no, I kept that stuff.
I'm talking about, you know, just other little stuff.
You be filing up in here.
We won't be married no more.
We'll be divorced.
But I think, you know, what we did do, you know, you have to set
a reasonable budget with your, with your family.
And I think for us, what we decided to do this year, we was going
to spend what 150 for each child.
About a hundred pounds to 150 depending on the budget.

(24:25):
We weren't going to even buy them any.
The music is going to give them the money on a little card
and they can just spend half of their money.
I was going to buy something for them.
Oh, you was going to buy something for them?
Yeah, I have something for Pedro in mind.
I have something I need to talk to you about for Scott.
I looked up last night.
Okay.
And Kai is the one thing I don't know what we're going to get.
We got to figure out, but I did have.
But as for Kai, I think we should just give it to him
and let him pick our own stuff.
You know what I'm saying?

(24:46):
And then we'll be good to go.
No, we do that.
We're going to kind of be like, hey, what do you want?
And then we show up and then think, yeah, because we don't,
we don't do the surprise thing.
They know exactly what they get it.
They know exactly what they just to let everyone know
how to do not believe in Santa Claus.
Okay.
We made sure we made that crystal clear to them years ago.
So they know it's no Santa Claus.
They know that they gifts come from God above and for us to,

(25:09):
for us working hard and giving them the things that they desire.
But other than that, we do not do Santa Claus because that's
a bunch of hogwash.
I just said it is.
I started a thing up on this podcast.
I said what I said, because we have to speak truth to our kids.
And the truth is, it's no Santa Claus.
The truth is Christmas is about family and Jesus.
That's true.

(25:30):
That's what it is.
So then one of the other things beyond, beyond overspending.
So try not to overspend.
Because just stay on the budget.
And you know, yeah, because this other thing too, we just say,
because I always say to my kids, I'm not going to go crazy on Christmas.
When all year round, I'm buying you things.
That's it.
You know, just like the PlayStation Plus.

(25:51):
I didn't do it this year for the girls because they don't play the
PlayStation.
Yeah.
So why am I going to spend 50 pounds for the year?
I know it's for the year and people are going to say, well,
it's just, it's for the year.
So over 12 months, it's only like four pounds a month or something.
That's not the point.
If they play the PlayStation only twice a year, that's a waste of money.
That's a waste of money.
So I don't, I didn't buy it this year.

(26:12):
Now my son, he's a little bit of a kid.
He's a little bit of a kid.
He's a little bit of a kid, but he's a little bit of a kid.
And I'm not sure.
Now my son is on his place, PlayStation five religiously.
So I'll make sure that when the, when the, when it comes up the subscription.
Yeah.
I'll pay for that.
Because I know he's going to play it.
Well, you know what Scott told me?
She said, Ma, I need a new PlayStation.

(26:34):
Okay.
I want to PlayStation five like the P Joe.
No.
I was like, what's just a hot dog.
That's a hot dog.
You're right.
So yeah.
You know, I think, I think we need to switch.
What?
I think sky, the games for Xbox will be more conducive for sky and kind than the PlayStation.
But that's a whole other discussion.
We'll look into that.

(26:55):
I'm not doing another day right now.
Okay.
So anyway, let's go on to our next point.
We don't want to stay too long on different points.
I'm not.
I'm just talking to you.
Don't do that.
I stay what I think.
Whatever.
I'm trying to cut me off like that in a slick way.
Whatever.
So one of the things we learned and looking at this and looking at this.
And looking at this subject was that divorce is an uptick.
Yes.

(27:16):
Let down expectations that the voices are uptick around the holidays.
And I was thinking about that.
Why would divorce be on the uptick during the holidays?
Can I answer one?
You asked the question.
You can answer any time.
I don't stop you from that.
So this is what so to answer one of your to answer the question to that, I think, depending
on, especially like people that are just getting married and stuff like that, they have

(27:41):
expectations and sense of what they partner going to get them.
And some people think big.
So, you know, they want big rings, bracelets, necklace, even maybe a car or or credit card
or something.
I mean, I don't know, you know, a lot of people be wanting certain things and when they don't
get those things, it's like, you don't love me.
You know, you didn't even upgrade me or you didn't do none of this type of thing.

(28:05):
And the next thing you know, they had the expectation is so high.
When January come, they like, I want a divorce.
Yeah, I can see that.
I think, yeah, I believe like, it's just the marriage is already in shambles already done
that road before the holidays.
And that's just an excuse because I think I believe most times in a marriage, people

(28:29):
don't want if they don't want to be in a marriage, they don't know how to get out.
So they try to find a reason to get out.
Yeah, I can see that.
So then they use that as the reason like, oh, you didn't do this or you didn't do that.
So I don't want to be married anymore.
You know, so I that's my belief when I look at it in that sense, right, is that they are
just using it as an excuse.

(28:51):
You know, something that they really didn't want to be in in the first place.
You know what, I used to want a big ring.
I used to want to have a ring.
I don't wear a ring now.
But at one point, my expectations for you to buy me a ring or something.
It used to be kind of big because I'm like, I remember I want me a nice ring, you know,
and I think our first ring we got from Walmart.

(29:13):
Remember in Birmingham?
With the Walmart and we got to be in the same bands.
Was they silver bands?
They was like silver bands.
We had went into Walmart and I was on a budget.
We went into Walmart.
I think we spent like a hundred and something for both rings or something like that.
Oh, was it?
No, like a bat one.
No, no, no, no, no.

(29:34):
I was not that cheap.
Don't do that.
Don't try to be a fun.
Don't do that.
It was not like that.
And I don't even think it goes Walmart.
No, no, no.
It was that.
I took you.
I took you to that in Birmingham.
There used to be a jewelry store where you could buy the ring and have it on payment plans.
You could get it on payment.

(29:57):
No, it was a jewelry store.
It was a jewelry store.
Sure.
The store.
That's the store.
Or jewelry store.
I can't remember the name of it, but it was a jewelry store.
I mean, I don't even know if it's still in your existence.
You could go in, you get the ring, you could buy it.
You could buy it on payment plans and then after you pay it, then you get the ring.

(30:18):
And you get like 50 pounds a month or 50, whatever a week, whatever you could afford.
And we got that for bands?
Yeah, it wasn't Walmart.
I think we did get some.
But then we upgraded.
We went to Walmart first.
We went to Walmart first.
We went to Walmart first and then I upgraded in this jewelry store.
Remember, it was like, it was like it was a yellow.
Why don't we remember that?

(30:39):
It was a yellow wall and, you know, and they had all these rings and jewelry and stuff.
You can go.
Yeah, I'm telling you.
We went in.
I remember that.
Yeah.
And that was, and then you end up losing the ring.
Oh, you know what?
I remember now it was one of those rings with the little diamond at the top.
Yeah, why is it like that little diamond?
I mean, you know what I'm saying?
It was a little, but goodness gracious.
It was a thought that counts.

(31:00):
It was out of love.
It was like a custom ring.
It kept getting caught in everything.
You know, so I used to be like, I don't know what happened,
but it was a nice little ring.
Oh, nice little ring.
But I don't have a ring now.
You know, that's a funny thing.
You don't tell my nice little ring.
You don't like when people say little, but yeah, you always say that.
He just, it was a nice ring.
You know, say I was appreciative.
I don't know.

(31:21):
You don't sign appreciative.
Whatever.
Folks, does she sign appreciative?
Leave a comment in the bottom section right now.
My expectations are anyway, do I want a ring now?
Probably not.
I wouldn't mind having a band.
You want a ring.
I want a band.
I want a band.
I want a nice band.
Look, I told you 20, we got two years to go for 20.
Really?
You going to wait 20 years to give me a band?

(31:42):
You waited, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Number one, number one.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You waited all this time.
What's another two years?
I guess so, but I may not be getting the next two years.
Then you won't get it there.
I want a little band.
That's when that messed up.
That's when it's up in your mess.
Then you won't get it there if you're not here in two years.
Hopefully you're here in two years.

(32:03):
Okay.
You know, if you're not here in two years, I'll be pretty well up
with life insurance, but hey.
No, I ain't.
Anyway, I can't believe you just said that.
Anyway.
You always talk about it, so I always bring that up.
Anywho.
You're the one that made me do it.
Anyway, I ain't make you do anything.
You didn't make me get life insurance?
Yeah, make you get life insurance.
We needed life insurance.
No, you maybe get it because I didn't want to get it.

(32:26):
Okay.
Anyway, moving on to our next point.
So holiday traditions.
Yes.
Different holiday traditions.
Yeah, our traditions were always different because you, you weren't big.
You know why I wouldn't be?
Because my family always wouldn't be.
Your family went big.
We like to have a, but before I changed my diet, we had turkey, ham.

(32:49):
We, you know, we had this whole big shah did dig.
We went big, but not as big as you guys did.
And we will go to like the family.
I can't remember.
You know what the funny, I can't remember exactly what we did for the holidays.
Yeah, we went to different people's homes for the holidays.
I know for me, I know for me, I remember.
Sometimes auntie's home.
Sometimes we had it at our home.

(33:10):
It just depended on what we was doing that year.
But we didn't, we didn't really do big like you guys do.
Yeah, what we did was we went to different people's homes and then I main,
um, end in spot.
Well, I think for everyone was my grandmother's house.
So we always went to my grandmother's house and then my daddy mom house.
That's the last two spots.
When then you guys got go to like, you just said not just one home,

(33:32):
you will go to like multiple homes.
Yeah, we'll go to different people's houses and open gifts to open gifts.
And then it may be either little food at the house and then go to the next one.
Yeah.
So my grandmother's house always the last spot. So we go over there.
We have the whole big, my grandmother up in the cook.
We have all of these things going on music, playing, people talking.

(33:53):
I mean, people all over the place.
You know, okay.
And so my house was even at back.
My grandma has to play people outside in the cars and the cars and the cold,
whatever, but the point was we was together as a family and we was eating good.
Okay.
So we did all of that.
That was something we did every single year.
Thank you.
Did we change it at some point once we got married?

(34:15):
Did we always go?
I think I did always.
The first couple of years, the first couple of years we did it big.
And then we moved in New York and then we moved to Bermuda.
We did it.
Make somewhat.
Yeah.
But then, but then we could at some point we just where we just don't even,
it's kind of like even New Year's Day, we don't even like,

(34:38):
we recognize it, but we just, it's just like a regular day.
We may have some food.
We may cook some food and stuff, but we don't like go over overboard.
You know what, you know what changed for me is when my grandmother passed away,
it changed for everyone.
You know, everybody didn't really, you know, do like they used to,
I think when family members pass and it changed the narrative of the holiday

(35:00):
for people and because now, oh, you don't have a grandmother cooking everything.
Yeah.
My father passed.
My father passed same thing.
I think we all started scattering.
So like people's on their own.
Well, I think for us, we did our own kind of like tradition thing.
We kind of chilled around the holidays.
We ate and you know, we kind of just, we did that.
I think for, I think it's good to set your own tradition.

(35:22):
I think what happened with us is that I, when I got deported and then I came here,
right, I came to Bermuda.
We did it in Bermuda some because they were removed here.
It definitely changed because we didn't, we have friend, we have a couple of
acquaintances and friends here that we know, but not to that extent.
But no, we wasn't spending holidays with, we wasn't spending holidays with friends.

(35:43):
I'm talking about us as a family.
You're not listening to me.
You're not listening.
That's what I'm saying.
That it changed.
That's how we became just more where we just do it as a, because I'm saying we,
we, we usually do a big, but I said over time, we kind of went where we kind of
just scaled down more and more each year to now where we can, we would do like,

(36:08):
how we do birthdays, we'll probably just go get food and then just have a meal
that way.
We won't even cook.
That's what I'm saying.
Sometimes, but we, you know, we may go get Chinese food and that would be our meal
for, for the day.
Right.
Yeah.
But I think for the holidays, like, like this year would be the first year we

(36:29):
actually doing something different.
But we actually going to see your mother and your sister and our husband.
Yeah.
So we're going to go see them.
And my cousin.
And my cousin.
What cousin?
Oh, right.
So yeah, we go to see Pedro folks and everything.
So yeah, so yeah, we're going to see Pedro folks.

(36:51):
Oh, and, and, and also I want to add when you go in to see your in-laws and everything.
Okay.
And I think it's important that husband and wife don't, you know, pick her back and
forth.
We're getting into that in a minute.
Say I told you jumping.
I ain't jumping.
No, you are jumping.
You're jumping.
Anyway, anyway, go home.
You know, traditions.
So the traditions, traditions to me is I think traditions sometimes can be a good or maybe

(37:16):
a bad thing, you know, depending because everybody had a own thing or what they like to do.
But I think it was important when you start having your own family is to start setting
things that you guys can do together around the holidays that you guys enjoy.
Whether it's every holiday you go somewhere different or you say, okay, this year I'm
going to cook or next year I'm not the one year you're going to be like next year we're

(37:38):
going to buy everything out.
You know, just trying different things happen, you know, making it fun for you, the children
and for yourself.
So I think it's something, you know, you can think about doing not everything has to continue
to be traditional because you've been doing it all your life.
I think it's good to change things up to spice it up with your family.
So the memories can stay golden.

(38:00):
Okay.
Yeah.
So we're going to go to the last point or one of the last points and that's holiday party
burnout.
So for me, this definitely is this definitely is something that I agree with because I always
say this, I love spending time with my family.
I love spending time with you and the kids.

(38:21):
And my problem is that when we're going holiday or like we're going, we're going to go visit
my mom is a drive.
Yes.
I drive all the time and now I got turned around and drive.
But that's okay.
Can I finish my point?
Thank you.
Okay, go ahead.
My point is that communicating and understanding the limits.

(38:44):
So instead of soon as I get like I took the days off, I took off say Friday, Friday.
And I don't go back until the Tuesday afternoon years.
But so trying to, you know, navigate that.
So get off that Friday, Friday, Sabbath, Sunday.
I'm not, well, Sunday we're driving, but that Friday I'm just chilling.

(39:06):
Like we know communicator if you like, I'm not doing anything.
We're going to make sure we have all the groceries in the house that we need for the, before
we leave at day.
I'm not, don't ask me do nothing because Sunday I got to drive and then we're going to that's
not, then that whole week we're going to be there visiting my mom and Crystal and Tina
and Davey and Tassie and everybody.

(39:27):
And we're going to go visit family.
So then that's when we do all the stuff we need to do.
You know, you want to go here, you want to go there, blah, blah, blah, fine.
Then when I come back, I ain't doing nothing again for a couple of days because I need
to rest because you can, I will get burnt out is if I'm, soon as I get up on Friday,

(39:47):
we drove up and then we drive around all week and then I drive back down and then I got
to go back to work on Tuesday.
I didn't even get to rest.
So you have to be mindful of for me, you have to be mindful of, you know, burnout.
That's a burnout.
And like I said, I always think like holidays, sometimes you can make this all surrounded
by you because you driving to Scotland.

(40:09):
You already had.
No, no, no, no, no, no, yes, I can because I have to think about me because if I can,
I told you from before I said, let's take a train and you said, no.
Okay, okay, okay, we can take a train.
You have decided to drive.
We can take a train.
We can take a train, but then that is five of us.
Okay.
And even when we get up there, how are we going to get around?

(40:30):
Well, we're not going to be going anywhere really.
Yeah, we will be going places.
What are you talking about?
You act like we're going to go.
You have, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Talk, you don't take a bus in your life.
What I'm saying, with that situation.
Look what you just said.
We will have to compromise.
No, no, no, talk.
Look what you just said.
Take a Uber.
So how much is that?
And then the train ride and then see that's we communicate.

(40:52):
But you know what I'm saying?
I'm still, I was still thinking of you because I was thinking of you in the sense of, Peter
don't have to drive that long going there or coming back.
Okay.
So that was my thinking.
So I was thinking about you, but since you just took this whole minute to talk about
how burnt out you would be, I'm sorry, we talking about the sense of I'm not talking
about how burnt out I would be.

(41:13):
I'm saying for people to be mindful of burnout.
Yes.
And that's what I'm being mindful of burnout.
Because if you, you told my taking a train and taking an Uber, where that money coming
from?
It coming from somewhere.
From where?
Because we have to, this is the thing.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, where's that money coming from?
I'm not saying, I'm legitimately asking.

(41:33):
What I'm saying, but I'm sure they not far from town.
So maybe we can just take the bus or something or whatever.
You don't take no bus and then also we got to carry, you got to carry your suitcases.
You got all five of us going to be carrying the suitcase.
Okay.
Well, I guess that's not a, I get it.
Thank you.
That's my whole point.
Holiday burnout in the sense of going, you know, which I understand what you mean.

(41:56):
That's part of burning out.
That is a lot.
That is a lot.
Can I finish my, can I finish because you cut me off?
Okay, go ahead.
I'm talking to people here on the radio and on the social media.
I'm saying just be mindful of not burning yourself out.
Yes.
Going to too many parties, doing too many things on the holiday.
It's good to get out and do things, but you have to be mindful of that after all that

(42:19):
is said and done, you still have to get back to your routine and back to your working stuff.
And you can't, you know, people go on vacation.
They do all this stuff on vacation.
When they come on vacation, what's the famous word?
I, I need a vacation for the vacation I just had.
Yeah.
That's what I'm talking about, burnout, don't burn yourself out.
That's it.

(42:39):
I can see that.
And not accepting too many invitations on the holidays, especially if you have a husband
and a wife that's an introverts that like to kind of have a own space.
And this is caught into me guys.
Sorry.
But, um, you know, not accepting every invitation because people invite you doesn't mean you

(43:02):
have to go.
But if you have your, um, if you know, you got the work, Chris, you have the Christmas
party from work.
You have the Christmas party from church.
You got all of those different things people inviting you to, and you can say no, you can
say, no, I don't want to go.
You know, I don't want to be bothered with people.

(43:23):
You could just be bothered with people when you're ready in your space, you know, talking
on that subject.
So what we was just doing just now was beckering.
Don't be beckering in front of your in-laws either.
Yeah.
I think that's important because they'll be better because my wife is about to start
to augment up in this piece.
Some people, some family members looking for a reason to say, Oh, they got issues.

(43:43):
You know, you know, girl, what happened?
And sometimes with family members, they take sides with the people that they love.
Yeah.
Sometimes they always take sides with the people they love.
But the thing is like for us, especially because one thing about our relationship, which is
a weird relationship, and I admit that is that our beckering actually is our talking
sometimes.

(44:04):
What we thought we'd beckered.
We beckered.
Like we know when we're beckering and we're arguing.
Yeah.
And people take our beckering as arguments, but it's not really an argument.
It's just more just us.
That's how we, we have a real relationship.
Well, that's how we communicate.
That's how we communicate.
Yeah.
But I'm just one thing.
We kind of beck and go back, we even say smart stuff to each other.

(44:26):
And that's something we have to both work at.
Right.
It's like, okay, you know what, let's stop for a minute and then let's talk about this.
That's true.
But I'm just saying in the more sense, if you're in front of your family and you're arguing,
right?
But that's what I'm saying.
We did that in front of my family.
No, I'm just saying, if you're arguing and you got your family on your side, because,
you know, most times people take sides.
So they take sides and you feel like, oh, you could just say what you want to say to your
partner in front of people and then they get out of hand.

(44:48):
And then by the time you know, instead of pulling their partner to the side and say,
look, this situation, this is how I feel, you know, or whatever.
Instead of doing it in front of family and then having somebody, you know, push you along
and be like, yeah, you know, you shouldn't be doing this to him or you shouldn't be doing
that to her type of thing.
Because some people looking for someone to agree with them.
Oh, by the fact on that subject.
It ain't no right or wrong.

(45:09):
Don't do this.
This is the biggest no-no.
So you're in your rich family.
Don't start trying to get the support for it.
Like we had to say, we have an argument before we go into the thing.
Right.
And then I'm like, well, just like I said about me being burnt out.
And then you went to, I told you, you could take a train and not a, so you're trying to,

(45:30):
if people say like, don't you think I'm right?
And it's because like about winning, winning the argument.
Yeah.
No, no, don't do that.
Do not be like, oh, oh, you know, I'm trying to win this argument.
No, because it's not about winning.
It's not.
Don't, don't, don't do not use that as a time to air your dirty laundry and be like,
hey, you know, I was, you know, I was just trying to win this argument.

(45:51):
I'm going to try and get support from the family.
But funny, my family is red though.
My family's because they know me.
My family actually anything that we have a disagreement or a thing, they're still good
for you, especially my auntie.
Yeah.
My mother, they'd be like, Peter, really?
Like, you know, they, they honestly would give both sides.
But the thing is for me, I do take into account that my husband has to focus on driving because

(46:16):
it's also a mental task.
So I know how important it is for you to sit and drive and change gears and change feet
and all that type of thing.
Oh, you do it.
Staying awake.
Oh, you do it.
I try to be accommodating to you when you're driving.
All you do is sleep.
So everybody goes to sleep.
Everybody goes, you be over there in the car.
The point you're in the car for support.

(46:37):
Support.
Support what?
I'm supported by sitting in the car.
So yeah.
So that's the thing.
Whatever.
But yeah, you know, holiday bird, that could be a big thing.
And you know, and most times when you go into these work, Peter never took me to now one
of his work Christmas days.
And most times, because I'm not allowed to, I'm just saying it.

(46:59):
Well, the job I have now, they don't, they only do for the workers.
Right.
Which is good.
I'm just saying.
Yeah, no, you don't care.
That's the thing.
I don't care.
And I even in Bermuda, I think you didn't come when I played Santa Claus.
I think I played Santa Claus.
What do you think?
That matter of fact, that's the last time I did it.
I played Santa Claus for my job one year.

(47:19):
And that's the last time I did.
I probably like, yeah, I forgot about that.
Yeah.
But yeah, we had, most times it's for the, because we had a dinner or something.
So, you know.
And then, you know, in my mind, this is what I think.
Do I really want to know his work people?
I don't care.
I know them or not.
You know.
Well, I introduce you to who you need to be introduced to.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, okay, bye.
You know, I'd really want to hold on conversations.

(47:40):
No, I like you to have a conversation with the main people that I deal with.
And even then, I'm not pushing it.
No, no, I don't push it, but I like you to know, because I always feel like, I think
I was just telling somebody this other day, I just like you to know who I'm dealing with.
So if I get a call at 10 o'clock at night from my boss, or if I get a call at eight
o'clock in the morning from my boss, you will be like, why the heck is they calling?

(48:05):
No, they only call if it's emergency.
Right.
So I got a call at eight o'clock in the morning, seven thirty in the morning from my boss.
And he was like, what?
And I was like, oh, it's my boy.
Okay.
You know, so because I think that's that's very good that you know who I'm dealing
with.
Yeah, but I, you know what?
That's true.
But I think nowadays, you know, things again, expensive.

(48:25):
So people ain't even inviting folks, families to Christmas stuff, you know, to the work
course or whatever.
And then last year, my job, we went to Tomb Raider Experience, which is the bomb.
This year, it was like, that's too expensive, we're going to just do in-house this year.
And I was like, and I couldn't even go this year.
Oh, goodness.
That was right.
Because it was the round around the Sabbath.
It was on a Friday night on the Sabbath.

(48:47):
Yeah.
So I had to be like, can I make it?
But it's okay.
I know.
It's all right.
I should have did a little.
Anyway, so so now we got into all of that.
We're going to talk a little bit about some of the points to help with that.
But we've been talking on and off, but I know one of the major, one of the major things

(49:08):
that we always say, which was our first podcast ever two years ago, communication.
Communication.
I would say it's important to express your discomfort, okay?
Whatever you want.
Which I just did, but you got on my back.
No, I didn't get it.
Okay, fine.
But I'm just saying, I can't see where we can take a train.
I can't see where we can take a Uber.
Because I'm thinking of ways to help you.

(49:29):
And they help me.
So, you know, this pressure, you know, expression.
I'm out of the job four and a half hours to spend a scene of money.
Can we move on, Pedro, please?
I'm just saying thank you.
I'm communicating.
No, I'm just saying express your discomfort to your to your partner, whatever it is,
you know, I'm saying before you walk into anything, let them know how you feel, communicate

(49:52):
those things very clearly.
So it won't be, you know, won't be like you're not, you're not listening to what they probably
want, because they said, I heard, you know, I was listening to something that says being
unclear is unkind.
So I think it's important for us to be very clear.

(50:13):
So that way the person, you won't have no misunderstanding.
And that's why I was being very clear two days before I drive.
I ain't doing nothing.
You know, my nerves are just driving things.
Why are we even going?
You know what I'm saying?
Let's just stay home.
That's fine with me.
You know, communicate.
I'm just saying that.
We got FaceTime.
You just say that.
We got FaceTime, baby.
Because if you really don't want to do something, just say it.

(50:35):
I don't mind doing it.
I don't mind doing it.
Don't keep complaining about it.
I'm not complaining.
Now it's sounding like a complaint.
I'm not complaining.
It sound like it.
No, I'm not complaining.
Okay, then.
Don't tell me what you're making, making a point.
Yes.
You made your point very crystal.
Cool.
I'm glad we made a point.
Now since you have communicated, since you have communicated that, we can move on.
You can roll your eyes like, roll your eyes.
I did.

(50:56):
Because you're doing too much.
Okay, go.
You know what?
I don't like you sometimes when you do that.
I'm not supposed to say that anymore.
I don't like.
Yeah.
See, see how it really does mean that's how you really feel in the first thing.
I'm not saying that.
I don't even mean it that way.
You know what I'm talking about.
That's okay.
My feelings ain't hurt.
You know what?

(51:17):
I don't want to hurt you feeling so I apologize.
Okay, so what's the next point?
I don't know.
What's the other point that you had?
I thought you had more points too.
Being unclear is unkind.
Communicate.
Compromising.
Compromise.
Yeah, that's the big thing.
And then what else?
I thought you had, you don't want to have that point.
I thought you was talking.
No.

(51:38):
You know what I'm saying?
I'm cutting you off.
No.
But there's a just pretty much.
Negotiation so we can negotiate.
Just like we're negotiating me driving.
Right.
And make sure you know, you have a budget and plan for the holiday.
How much you plan on spending.
How much you don't, you know, that may you won't go overboard.
You know what I'm saying?
Because after Christmas, you got to still live.
You got to live.

(51:59):
You still got bills to pay.
Yeah, that's one thing that people do so much over the holidays.
They spend so much money that they don't even, like when the time comes,
they can't even afford to buy groceries.
Yeah, you can't even afford to buy groceries.
You can spend all your money buying all these toys that these kids
ain't going to even play with.
You know what I'm saying?
So get them something that you know they're going to use and be sensible.

(52:24):
Pretty much.
That's true.
So we're going to do our card thing that we say we're going to always do
starting on our last episode that we had.
We did a card.
We bought these intimacy cards.
Yeah.
Best self.
And I'm trying to get that right there.
It's underneath the laptop.
Yeah.
So we're just going to do that.
And why you put it there?

(52:45):
I don't know.
Could you just, could you just open it up?
What's the point of you even having that just pick a card?
I have a reason why I use this.
Just to a P. Joe.
P. Joe's so prolonged.
You take too long to do stuff.
I'm not taking too long to do anything.
I'm trying to, you know.
So we're going to pick a card guys and we're going to have to say how we feel
about that card truthfully.

(53:07):
No matter what it is.
And the great card.
We pick it from the gray section of the card.
Well, I just picked one.
Oh, wait a minute.
I picked two by mistake.
Okay.
I picked the one you want.
I did.
Well, I had a choice.
I had.
No, that was not.

(53:28):
It was a funny that way.
Anyway, you go first this time because I went first last time.
Well, this is going to take too long.
So I can't, I mean, I can think it, but.
Just put it in the bottom.
Is the any history of addiction, abuse or negative habits in your family?
And how has it affected you?
I'll say it again.
I'm sorry.
That takes a minute.

(53:53):
History of addiction, abuse or negative how?
I think in every family there's history of all these,
all the, all three different things.
Addiction comes in so many different ways.
Even abuse verbally, physically, mentally, spiritually.
I just, I just, I I just thought it was going to be a good idea.
It's a good idea.
I'm going to just talk about it.
It's a good idea.
I just wanted to tell you about it.
made different ways, even abuse verbally, physically, mentally, spiritually.

(54:17):
I would say that it took me a while.
Yeah, I definitely was affected because when we got together, that's part,
that's part why we started this podcast.
And even before then, our first 14 years, 13 years of our marriage was,
it was pretty rocky.
I mean, it was good, had good points, but we definitely had a lot of

(54:38):
down points in our marriage.
It was a lot of back and forth and everything like that.
Then I just learned to just trust in God and, and let him lead me down the
path I needed to go down and just give it all to him.
Once I, once I realized that I couldn't do this by myself and that I needed
God in my life and also my wife, we need to work together.

(55:00):
And that's how I dealt with it in that aspect.
And the effect that is, is how to me is made me a better person, a better husband,
better father and just a better son to my mother.
Better cause I wasn't always good to my mother.
I definitely was sometimes just very rude and disrespectful.

(55:22):
Um, so I think that, yeah, definitely that would be, um, from just learning
from all, from accepting it and learning to heal from it.
Yeah.
As we say, heal my marriage.
Healing is important.
Um, that allowed me to be better for who I am today.
Yeah.
Just more understanding and not be so brash and I could be brash and blunt.

(55:43):
Sometimes I've learned to be more diplomatic.
They say, yeah, more understanding of the situation.
Yeah.
Um, and just not making it all about me, but about everybody involved.
Wow.
That's pretty deep.
Also, Peter answered his question on his card.
So now I'm going to do my next and my card says, when was the last time you

(56:07):
cried and why?
Um, I just cried not too long ago.
Um, yeah, I just cried too long ago.
Honestly, what was it about?
Um, no, it was about my daughter.

(56:28):
It was about my daughter, actually my oldest daughter.
She'd been experiencing some, you know, things, you know, going through her life.
And I think I cried and I cried because, you know, you want to help your children.
You want to control everything that goes on in their lives and try to fix
everything and try to make it better.
And I think for me, you know, seeing her going through her changes right now has

(56:49):
cost me to become very emotional.
And, you know, as a mother, just trying to, to be there for everything, you know,
and hold her tight and, you know, encourage her and nurture her and all of these
things that mothers do.
And I think I finally broke down the other day and I was just like, oh man,

(57:10):
this is hard, you know, parenting is not easy.
You know, trying to see everything that your children may be going through.
Are you trying to help them through it?
You trying to not miss anything.
And sometimes you're going to miss thing.
And that's one thing I had noticed.
So I'm trying to be more, you know, change my, my, my focus, what I'm trying to,

(57:30):
you know, not be so overbearing, but just be like, you know, you're okay, you know,
not be too much in our space, my oldest daughter.
But I think, you know, God is, God is fixing.
I know, not, not think I know God is fixing the situation.
And I'm really happy where we are going and, you know, in the help that we're
going to be receiving and receiving.

(57:51):
So I'm really happy about that.
Yeah.
I like I said to you, you know, we, you can't be with your
children 24 seven.
Right.
So all you can do is just train them the way you want, you know, the way God is
actually to train them and then just let God take care of them.
They're going to experience it follows.

(58:12):
They're going to experience downs and ups.
It's just a matter of how they handle themselves.
And when they make a mistake, then you help them with the mistake and help
them to fix the mistake.
They learn to fix it themselves.
Right.
When they get older, then, you know, they will become more cognizant of the

(58:32):
things that you told them.
Because I know for me, when I was young, I was told all these things and it
didn't really hit me twice.
I got older.
Yeah.
So I just think that, you know, you know, when you have teenagers, pre-teens,
they, they're just trying to navigate through life.
And, you know, sometimes things happen.
Yeah, it does.
So, you know, I, I spoke to somebody and one of the things they said was that I

(58:54):
need to be calm.
Yes.
Not just for, not for our children, but for you.
Cause you know, cause you, you, you get emotional, which we've talked about.
Yeah.
And then I would be like, okay, you know, we got to be more, you know, bring it
down.
Don't go, don't go to that side yet.

(59:14):
Let's stay where we are.
Let's stay in the lane that we in.
That's it.
We don't need to go into the highway.
Right.
We're on the road right now.
We don't need to go to the freeway and start going a hundred miles an hour.
Yeah.
Let's stay at 30, you know, that's it.
We're 30 is okay right now.
You know, so, but yeah, yeah, I forgot about that.
Cause I was wondering when you said, when did she last cry?

(59:34):
Yeah, I realized, yeah, that was the last time.
Yeah.
But I definitely, I know.
Give me a second.
Okay, sorry.
I definitely, it's got me thinking that for the podcast, I definitely, what our
next ones are going to do, we're going to talk about the mental health and the
health of our children in general.
Cause along with like in heal our marriage, children are part of that healing.

(59:59):
So we definitely will have a show or maybe a couple of shows on that and maybe
even get a guess, which we haven't had in a while to talk about the different
aspects and different things that we could do to help our children to heal
themselves when turn will also heal our marriage.
Yes.

(01:00:19):
So yeah.
That's it.
But yeah, like you said, our time is pretty much up.
So y'all have a, have a holiday safe driving, safe.
They driving or flying or whatever you may be doing around the holidays.
Please enjoy yourself.
And most of all, just enjoy spending time together as a family and don't spend too

(01:00:41):
much money.
Be responsible.
Be safe and just enjoy your family.
Enjoy the time that you have because time is short.
You never know.
That's right.
Um, you know, we had a couple of, um, deaths on that subject real quick.
Cause I had a friend whose mother died and I called him up and we talked for a

(01:01:03):
little while and I was like, Oh, I'm gonna hit you up later.
Busy.
Did it hit him up?
A month later, he passed away.
So you never know.
You never know, you know, what's going to happen.
Time is just not, um, guaranteed to us.
It's not.
So we need to spend time with friends and family and just make sure you, you know,

(01:01:25):
a matter of fact, reach out and tell somebody that you haven't talked in a while.
That's right.
Do that.
Do that.
Guys, you know, old friend or somebody that you know, just reach out and talk to
five, 10 minutes, just say, Hey, text or whatever, text and say, Hey, I'm just
saying how you doing.
Yeah.
You know, let's, let's, let's do, let's all do that.
As, as, you know, as a family or as people.

(01:01:46):
So yeah.
Thank you for joining us.
Thank you for joining us guys.
My name is Pedro and my name is Tara and this is he or my marriage podcast.
Peace.
Peace.