September 30, 2025 • 31 mins
Trust is the invisible thread holding relationships together — but what happens when that thread snaps? The impact runs deeper than emotions alone, shaping how the brain, body, and nervous system respond in ways most people don’t expect.
In this episode, we explore how betrayal can rewire the mind, influence survival instincts, and leave imprints that echo into future connections. More importantly, we uncover what it really takes to begin mending what feels irreparably broken.
Stay with us — the science and healing tools may surprise you.
With love
Dr. Evette Rose
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Welcome to Heal Within here with me, Dr.
Evette Rose, trauma therapistand also creator of Metaphysical
Anatomy Technique.
Now this podcast is your safespace to explore emotional
healing, nervous system repairand also deeper inner
transformation.
And if you are ready to godeeper and you would like to be
(00:28):
supported on your healingjourney, you can always book
your one-on-one session with meor with any of my certified
metapsychology coachingpractitioners, and also join one
of my upcoming live healingevents, workshops or retreats at
metaphysicalanatomycom.
And now let's begin yourjourney back to wholeness, one
(00:50):
breath and one breakthrough at atime.
And today's podcast I would liketo dive deep into when trust is
lost, after betrayal.
You see, when trust is broken,it feels almost like the ground
(01:16):
beneath us completely collapsed.
Now why is it so hard torebuild that?
And what does science also tellus about how trust works in the
brain and in the body and thenas a whole functioning ecosystem
in relationships?
Let's first start by definingwhat trust is and what betrayal
(01:38):
is.
Now, normally trust, it's likeyou can see it as an expectation
of safety.
It's an expectation of someoneto show up in a reliable way.
It's an expectation of someoneto perhaps be consistent in our
(02:02):
life, to show integrity.
It's also an expectation ofpeople to respect our values and
also recognize them and knowwhat they are.
And when we have betrayal, wehave violation of that
expectation, whether it'sthrough infidelity, maybe it's
(02:23):
lies, maybe it's neglect, it canbe broken promises as well.
That is when that corefoundation becomes ruffled and
it creates panic and stressbecause that expectation.
Remember, we are creatures ofhabit, we thrive on
(02:44):
predictability and when thatpredictability cycle, when that
loop, is disrupted, it disruptsthis entire ecosystem within us
that leaned on it, system withinus that leaned on it, that
(03:11):
relied on it, that gave ussafety, stability or any other
emotional resource that you feltthat you could lean into as a
result of having that trust withsomeone.
And neuroscience it shows usthat trust activates the
prefrontal cortex, that is ourrational judgment center, and
also the ventral stratum, thatis the reward circuitry.
(03:34):
Now, when betray happens, rightwhen someone betrays you, the
brain now interprets this asboth an emotional wound and also
a threat to our survival.
And neuroscience furtherexplains when trust is disrupted
(03:55):
, we have what is calledoxytocin.
This is that bonding, thatfeel-good hormone, and this
regulates feelings of, maybe,closeness, of safety and also
social bonding.
But betrayal causes oxytocin torelease that, release that nice
flow.
(04:15):
It drops.
It drops and it creates anincredible moment of shock in a
dynamic between two people andthis can leave a person feeling
unsafe, feeling hypervigilant.
Where do I connect to?
Where do I co-regulate?
Where do I bond with?
(04:36):
Who do I bond with?
Now, you see, it's a completedisruption of our internal world
and the amygdala as well.
That's our alarm system.
This becomes hyperactive afterbetrayal because it's now
scanning when is this going tohappen again?
Even safe interactions, it canreally feel threatening because
(04:58):
the trust is lost.
That bond is no longer there.
Now, the prefrontal cortex it'sactually struggling now to
override the emotional threatsignals, which explains why
people might say I knowlogically that they've changed,
but I just can't feel safe.
It's like your mind knows thatbut your body just can't follow
(05:22):
along with where your mind isgoing.
Your body just can't followalong with where your mind is
going and fMRI studies it hasshowed that betrayal lights up
pain centers in the anteriorcingulate cortex.
That's the same region that'sactivated when we experience
physical pain, meaning brokentrust.
(05:50):
It literally hurts and foranyone who I'm sure you've
experienced pain where youbumped your toe or you knocked
your finger in that door when weare in pain.
That's all that we can focus on.
It really pulls us so much intothe present moment.
So those brainwaves that wemove into when we're in pain,
we're in those same brainwaveswhen trust has been broken.
(06:10):
It really hurts.
It's a very painful experienceto have.
And what can exacerbate this,what can make this even more
painful, is when prior memoriesare triggered, from our
childhood right.
So when children are exposed tobetrayal trauma whether it's
through abuse, through neglector maybe just I mean just
(06:34):
witnessing violence their scoreis much higher on the ACE scale
and high ACE scores are actuallylinked to difficulty forming
trust right, especially inrelationships.
In their adult life they are atmuch higher risks also of PTSD,
anxiety, depression, chronicpain and also autoimmune
(07:00):
conditions.
You see, betrayal in adulthoodit triggers a lot of old
childhood patterns and this canactually lead to even stronger
distress responses than what thesituation alone in itself might
actually warrant, because it'striggering how that child, that
(07:23):
inner child, felt in that momentof betrayal.
And normally when a childexperiences betrayal, there's no
one else to connect to or toattach to, to regulate or to
find comfort with or to findsome sense of protection or
safety.
Some sense of protection orsafety and not having that extra
(07:49):
source to connect to can oftenperpetuate that anxiety as well.
But that also teaches thenervous system that when I am
betrayed I am alone.
And we are by chemically,biologically, designed to be
with one another to help withco-regulation.
And this can actually cause achild to feel well, there's no
(08:10):
one there, there's no one toco-regulate.
So I have to figure this outall by myself.
I am alone, no one is going tohelp me, no one is going to
support me.
Does that sound familiar?
That's the inner child that'scoming forward.
And of course you might have hadmultiple other similar
experiences to that when youwere an adult.
(08:31):
I mean just because weexperienced trauma in our
childhood and it's a big part ofour foundation.
It doesn't stop there.
We can of course, have new, youknow different experiences, but
a lot of them can trigger themain underlying core driver and
distress signals.
And when that happens, whenthat trust is broken, cortisol
(08:54):
spikes.
That's our stress hormone.
Now this rises when stress isviolated and this just
exacerbates and it createshypervigilance.
And on top of that we have ournervous system dysregulation,
because betrayal can reallyshift the body into a fight or
flight and freeze response andthat I'm sure that if you found
(09:23):
yourself in a situation likethat, it's so much harder, it
feels so challenging to findcalmness and to even calm down
the connection right or at leastcalm down the disconnection.
It feels almost like it's justit's evading you.
It's impossible to achieve.
Now here comes the importantpart, and that's when we
experience memory consolidation.
(09:44):
You see, the hippocampus is nowtagging betrayal memories as
danger.
It's tagging betrayal with allthe pain that you felt you could
maybe not control, or you feltcompletely swamped over by it.
It felt overpowering, whichleft you in a disempowered state
(10:06):
.
So it's tagging all thesememories with that experience of
betrayal and this can thenactually also cause this to
become hypersensitiveHypersensitive.
Now, interesting information.
There was interesting researchthat was done where, in couples,
(10:29):
therapy research actuallyshowed that it takes on average
of at least five positiveinteractions to counter one
betrayal related trigger.
That's a lot.
One betrayal-related trigger,that's a lot.
(10:52):
Five positive interactions tocounter one betrayal-related
trigger.
And I'm not sharing this to saywow, we're against the odds.
How are we going to do that?
We have to work really hard toget that trust back.
There's going to be workinvolved.
I mean that's a given.
However, it's also showing thepower of being able to rewire
these messages and that's partof one of the reasons why it can
(11:17):
feel so hard, so challenging torewire trust, because the brain
prioritizes survival overconnection and in this case it
can trigger a really strongsurvival response as well,
especially if it's triggering avery deep childhood trauma,
(11:39):
because as children, we alsorely on our parents and
caregivers for safety, support,food and shelter.
I mean they literally they areour sources that keep us alive.
And if that bond, if thatconnection is disrupted, can you
see how that can trigger asurvival response?
(11:59):
It's not just rejection but itactually triggers a survival
response.
And the stronger that responsehas been layered in during a
person's childhood, the strongerthat trauma is going to come
forward as an adult.
And that's why a lot of peoplethey can become quite violent
(12:22):
when they find out that theyhave been betrayed.
People can really have thatcomplete overreaction, that
fight or flight response.
In this case it's fight becauseof that overstimulation.
But on top of that prior traumathat also could potentially be
there, we have environmentalstress.
(12:44):
Everything is just exacerbatinga prior wound and it makes it
more and more and more sensitive.
It's almost like it's just amatter of time before something
happens and there's an explosion, there's a collapse, you see,
because what happens is peoplecycle between hypervigilance,
(13:05):
checking, doubting, testing andthen complete shutdown, complete
avoidance, complete numbness,complete withdrawal, that
feeling of I don't care anymore.
Well, actually we do.
The fact that we say that meansthat we're trying to pull the
wool over our eyes for somethingthat's going on in our life,
because why would the desireeven be there to say that?
(13:27):
Why the need to validate thatTo who?
All right, so just something tothink about.
And I'm sharing this becausethis was my aha moment, this was
a big aha moment for me, thisbecause this was my aha moment,
this was a big aha moment for me.
And there's that saying I don'tknow if you've heard of it, but
(13:54):
there's that saying once bitten, twice shy.
You see, it's not just a saying, it's an actual neurological
adaptation, neurologicaladaptation.
So now the bigger question comesin how do we rebuild trust?
Where do we begin?
(14:14):
What do we do with all of thisnow?
Because now we're in thatbrainwave of pain, we're upset,
we feel maybe disrespected,maybe it's triggered a lot of
your failed boundaries from thepast as well.
It's not just disrupting yourneed for that oxytocin to
restore your sense of belongingand bonding, because a lot of
the time when people go throughbetrayal, especially in
(14:36):
partnership, when you're withsomeone for a while, we start to
identify with our partner.
Whether we realize it or not,that person becomes part of your
nervous system, ecosystem andregulation, patterning your
daily life.
And when that's disrupted itdoesn't just disrupt safety, it
disrupts our sense of identity.
(14:58):
It disrupts how we need torelearn to find safe anchors,
other safe anchors in our lifeand making sure that those
anchors are anchors that can beconsistent for you, because
people will always fluctuate andchange that is a given and that
(15:22):
change might come in because ofan accident.
It can come in for whateverreason.
It doesn't have to come inthrough betrayal and that's the
point that I'm trying to make.
It's so important that we haveour anchor system within us.
No-transcript be uncomfortable,it's just going to be different
(16:36):
.
Secondly is a lot of sharedemotional experiences, eye
contact, because eye contact isconstantly feeling like
someone's evading you.
Through breaking eye contact,it builds mistrust.
It makes us feel that personhas something to hide or that
(16:58):
they're not being honest inthemselves that they're not
being honest in themselves.
So eye contact is reallyimportant.
And here's the thing During ourchildhood, before the age of
three, eye contact plays anincredibly impactful role in
your nervous system's ability toregulate and whether it trusts
(17:18):
eye contact to even begin with.
So if eye contact was deliveredto you in very hostile, mean,
nasty ways, it can still triggerthat inner child and make can
make you feel even moresusceptible to trust eye contact
.
So that's why, during adultlife and having a partner that
(17:40):
can just be consistent when nowchanges are being take, you know
being created Consistency isvery important.
Second is also physicalaffection.
Second is also physicalaffection and because, at the
end of the day, vulnerabilityincreases oxytocin and it calms
(18:03):
the amygdala.
Physical affection helps tosoothe vulnerability and it
increases oxytocin and thatcalms our panic center.
Another one that I reallydeeply love is somatic
regulation breath work,meditation, co-regulation
(18:27):
exercises.
It really helps to retrain thenervous system to feel safe
again.
And then, of course, therapywork, trauma work.
Go to couples therapy and Iwould highly recommend couples
therapy and also going toseparate therapists individually
as well.
So you have a place where youcan meet, where both can feel
(18:50):
heard, but you have a separatetherapist that you can also
express certain things that yousometimes just feel like you
want to express in the absenceof your partner, and so that you
have that freedom, so thingsdon't get squeezed up and
compressed.
And small wins is veryimportant Micro-commitments,
(19:11):
daily check-ins, keepingpromises this can really start
to rebuild trust circuits invery beautiful ways.
Now studies I just want to shareone more quick study with you
before we start our meditation.
Studies show that the brain, itreally I mean it's fully
capable of rebuilding trust.
(19:32):
Right, that rebuilding that,how would I say it?
That rebuilding that trustcircuitry?
And this is done throughneuroplasticity.
We know how that works.
And betrayal it doesn't have todefine a relationship, because
research and studies show that70% of couples who experience
(19:53):
infidelity they recover.
They recover if they activelyengage in structured healing
work.
You see people with reallystrong support networks.
It's a given.
They heal faster Because theco-regulation from the safety of
others really helps to repairthe nervous system.
(20:15):
Regulation meaning the part ofthe nervous system that was
dysregulated.
Okay, beautiful.
So for everyone, if you knowsomeone that's really going
through this right now and youfeel this podcast episode might
help them, including themeditation that's coming up, so
please remember to do share itwith them.
(20:36):
This is all about helping peoplereally get back on track in
their life, all right, so whenyou are ready, let's start our
meditation and let's start bytaking a nice deep breath.
Very good, very good.
And now I invite you to startby just maybe gently closing
(21:03):
your eyes and allowing your bodyto find a really nice
comfortable position and takinga nice slow, deep breath.
(21:26):
So let's start by maybe takingthat breath through your nose,
out the mouth, and with eachbreath you feel your body
becoming heavier, calmer andmore grounded, and then just
(21:52):
gently bringing your attentionto your heart center.
Imagine a nice warm lightglowing there, soft and gentle,
(22:20):
and this light represents safety.
And even if you have been hurt,this light cannot be taken away
.
It is yours.
(22:49):
And notice now as you breathe.
And notice now as you breathe.
Imagine exhaling the weight ofbetrayal, disappointment and
fear.
With each breath, let go of thetightness of your body.
(23:18):
Feel the space around yourheart beginning to soften.
Notice how your nervous systemis gently starting to settle
(23:49):
your fate deep into the earth.
The earth is steady andunshaken.
It's solid, holding you,holding you, feeling how the
(24:18):
earth is just anchoring yourroots, anchoring you, allowing
yourself to trust in this stableconnection, trusting in this
(24:45):
stability, allowing your nervoussystem to feel that same
(25:08):
steadiness, calm, secure andCalm, secure and held.
And now visualizing trust againand in this instance, bring to
mind someone or something thatis safe.
(25:29):
It can be a loved one, a petnature, even the warm sun on
your skin.
Let yourself feel that momentof connection, however small and
(26:04):
gently, starting to feeloxytocin and the calmness flow
through you as you imagine thisbond.
And let's affirm a few positiveaffirmations as well, and you
(26:27):
can repeat after me, or you canalso just listen to my voice.
I can trust myself.
I can trust life to guide me.
I am safe to trust life.
(26:58):
I am safe to trust life.
I trust myself to heal one stepat a time.
(28:02):
My past does not define myability to love or be loved.
I am worthy of honesty, safetyand respect.
I can hold both the pain ofbetrayal and the possibility of
trust.
I can hold both the pain ofbetrayal and the possibility of
trust.
My nervous system is learninghow to feel safe again.
I release fear and I invitecalmness into my heart.
(28:36):
Trust begins with me and Imature into it daily.
(29:07):
I'm allowed to take my time toheal and rebuild Love.
Time to heal and rebuild Love,safety and connection are
available to me.
I honor my boundaries whileremaining open to new beginnings
(29:37):
.
And when you are ready, slowlyand gently starting to come back
into the here and now startedto come back into the here and
now, feeling the surface beneathyour body, that consistent,
(30:00):
stable source of space that youcan trust, that you're leaning
into, bring your awareness tothat now, slowly allowing your
(30:42):
breath to bring you back moreand more and more into the
present moment.
And when you are ready,wiggling your fingers and your
toes and gently come back.
Beautiful and gently, come back, beautiful.
Thank you so much for joining mehere for today's podcast, and
(31:04):
also our affirmation for todayis I'm allowed to take my time
to heal and also to rebuild.
And remember you're not alone.
You are healing one step at atime, one breath at a time.
And remember, if this episodetouched you, then please share
it with someone who's maybe alsonow on their healing journey
(31:27):
and, as always, breathe deep,listen within and stay gently
curious.
Thank you for joining me hereand I look forward to seeing you
in the next podcast.
Thank you for showing up foryou.
I love you and until next time,be the light that you are.
Welcome to Heal Within here with me, Dr.
Evette Rose, trauma therapistand also creator of Metaphysical
Anatomy Technique.
Now this podcast is your safespace to explore emotional
healing, nervous system repairand also deeper inner
transformation.
And if you are ready to godeeper and you would like to be
(00:28):
supported on your healingjourney, you can always book
your one-on-one session with meor with any of my certified
metapsychology coachingpractitioners, and also join one
of my upcoming live healingevents, workshops or retreats at
metaphysicalanatomycom.
And now let's begin yourjourney back to wholeness, one
(00:50):
breath and one breakthrough at atime.
And today's podcast I would liketo dive deep into when trust is
lost, after betrayal.
You see, when trust is broken,it feels almost like the ground
(01:16):
beneath us completely collapsed.
Now why is it so hard torebuild that?
And what does science also tellus about how trust works in the
brain and in the body and thenas a whole functioning ecosystem
in relationships?
Let's first start by definingwhat trust is and what betrayal
(01:38):
is.
Now, normally trust, it's likeyou can see it as an expectation
of safety.
It's an expectation of someoneto show up in a reliable way.
It's an expectation of someoneto perhaps be consistent in our
(02:02):
life, to show integrity.
It's also an expectation ofpeople to respect our values and
also recognize them and knowwhat they are.
And when we have betrayal, wehave violation of that
expectation, whether it'sthrough infidelity, maybe it's
(02:23):
lies, maybe it's neglect, it canbe broken promises as well.
That is when that corefoundation becomes ruffled and
it creates panic and stressbecause that expectation.
Remember, we are creatures ofhabit, we thrive on
(02:44):
predictability and when thatpredictability cycle, when that
loop, is disrupted, it disruptsthis entire ecosystem within us
that leaned on it, system withinus that leaned on it, that
(03:11):
relied on it, that gave ussafety, stability or any other
emotional resource that you feltthat you could lean into as a
result of having that trust withsomeone.
And neuroscience it shows usthat trust activates the
prefrontal cortex, that is ourrational judgment center, and
also the ventral stratum, thatis the reward circuitry.
(03:34):
Now, when betray happens, rightwhen someone betrays you, the
brain now interprets this asboth an emotional wound and also
a threat to our survival.
And neuroscience furtherexplains when trust is disrupted
(03:55):
, we have what is calledoxytocin.
This is that bonding, thatfeel-good hormone, and this
regulates feelings of, maybe,closeness, of safety and also
social bonding.
But betrayal causes oxytocin torelease that, release that nice
flow.
(04:15):
It drops.
It drops and it creates anincredible moment of shock in a
dynamic between two people andthis can leave a person feeling
unsafe, feeling hypervigilant.
Where do I connect to?
Where do I co-regulate?
Where do I bond with?
(04:36):
Who do I bond with?
Now, you see, it's a completedisruption of our internal world
and the amygdala as well.
That's our alarm system.
This becomes hyperactive afterbetrayal because it's now
scanning when is this going tohappen again?
Even safe interactions, it canreally feel threatening because
(04:58):
the trust is lost.
That bond is no longer there.
Now, the prefrontal cortex it'sactually struggling now to
override the emotional threatsignals, which explains why
people might say I knowlogically that they've changed,
but I just can't feel safe.
It's like your mind knows thatbut your body just can't follow
(05:22):
along with where your mind isgoing.
Your body just can't followalong with where your mind is
going and fMRI studies it hasshowed that betrayal lights up
pain centers in the anteriorcingulate cortex.
That's the same region that'sactivated when we experience
physical pain, meaning brokentrust.
(05:50):
It literally hurts and foranyone who I'm sure you've
experienced pain where youbumped your toe or you knocked
your finger in that door when weare in pain.
That's all that we can focus on.
It really pulls us so much intothe present moment.
So those brainwaves that wemove into when we're in pain,
we're in those same brainwaveswhen trust has been broken.
(06:10):
It really hurts.
It's a very painful experienceto have.
And what can exacerbate this,what can make this even more
painful, is when prior memoriesare triggered, from our
childhood right.
So when children are exposed tobetrayal trauma whether it's
through abuse, through neglector maybe just I mean just
(06:34):
witnessing violence their scoreis much higher on the ACE scale
and high ACE scores are actuallylinked to difficulty forming
trust right, especially inrelationships.
In their adult life they are atmuch higher risks also of PTSD,
anxiety, depression, chronicpain and also autoimmune
(07:00):
conditions.
You see, betrayal in adulthoodit triggers a lot of old
childhood patterns and this canactually lead to even stronger
distress responses than what thesituation alone in itself might
actually warrant, because it'striggering how that child, that
(07:23):
inner child, felt in that momentof betrayal.
And normally when a childexperiences betrayal, there's no
one else to connect to or toattach to, to regulate or to
find comfort with or to findsome sense of protection or
safety.
Some sense of protection orsafety and not having that extra
(07:49):
source to connect to can oftenperpetuate that anxiety as well.
But that also teaches thenervous system that when I am
betrayed I am alone.
And we are by chemically,biologically, designed to be
with one another to help withco-regulation.
And this can actually cause achild to feel well, there's no
(08:10):
one there, there's no one toco-regulate.
So I have to figure this outall by myself.
I am alone, no one is going tohelp me, no one is going to
support me.
Does that sound familiar?
That's the inner child that'scoming forward.
And of course you might have hadmultiple other similar
experiences to that when youwere an adult.
(08:31):
I mean just because weexperienced trauma in our
childhood and it's a big part ofour foundation.
It doesn't stop there.
We can of course, have new, youknow different experiences, but
a lot of them can trigger themain underlying core driver and
distress signals.
And when that happens, whenthat trust is broken, cortisol
(08:54):
spikes.
That's our stress hormone.
Now this rises when stress isviolated and this just
exacerbates and it createshypervigilance.
And on top of that we have ournervous system dysregulation,
because betrayal can reallyshift the body into a fight or
flight and freeze response andthat I'm sure that if you found
(09:23):
yourself in a situation likethat, it's so much harder, it
feels so challenging to findcalmness and to even calm down
the connection right or at leastcalm down the disconnection.
It feels almost like it's justit's evading you.
It's impossible to achieve.
Now here comes the importantpart, and that's when we
experience memory consolidation.
(09:44):
You see, the hippocampus is nowtagging betrayal memories as
danger.
It's tagging betrayal with allthe pain that you felt you could
maybe not control, or you feltcompletely swamped over by it.
It felt overpowering, whichleft you in a disempowered state
(10:06):
.
So it's tagging all thesememories with that experience of
betrayal and this can thenactually also cause this to
become hypersensitiveHypersensitive.
Now, interesting information.
There was interesting researchthat was done where, in couples,
(10:29):
therapy research actuallyshowed that it takes on average
of at least five positiveinteractions to counter one
betrayal related trigger.
That's a lot.
One betrayal-related trigger,that's a lot.
(10:52):
Five positive interactions tocounter one betrayal-related
trigger.
And I'm not sharing this to saywow, we're against the odds.
How are we going to do that?
We have to work really hard toget that trust back.
There's going to be workinvolved.
I mean that's a given.
However, it's also showing thepower of being able to rewire
these messages and that's partof one of the reasons why it can
(11:17):
feel so hard, so challenging torewire trust, because the brain
prioritizes survival overconnection and in this case it
can trigger a really strongsurvival response as well,
especially if it's triggering avery deep childhood trauma,
(11:39):
because as children, we alsorely on our parents and
caregivers for safety, support,food and shelter.
I mean they literally they areour sources that keep us alive.
And if that bond, if thatconnection is disrupted, can you
see how that can trigger asurvival response?
(11:59):
It's not just rejection but itactually triggers a survival
response.
And the stronger that responsehas been layered in during a
person's childhood, the strongerthat trauma is going to come
forward as an adult.
And that's why a lot of peoplethey can become quite violent
(12:22):
when they find out that theyhave been betrayed.
People can really have thatcomplete overreaction, that
fight or flight response.
In this case it's fight becauseof that overstimulation.
But on top of that prior traumathat also could potentially be
there, we have environmentalstress.
(12:44):
Everything is just exacerbatinga prior wound and it makes it
more and more and more sensitive.
It's almost like it's just amatter of time before something
happens and there's an explosion, there's a collapse, you see,
because what happens is peoplecycle between hypervigilance,
(13:05):
checking, doubting, testing andthen complete shutdown, complete
avoidance, complete numbness,complete withdrawal, that
feeling of I don't care anymore.
Well, actually we do.
The fact that we say that meansthat we're trying to pull the
wool over our eyes for somethingthat's going on in our life,
because why would the desireeven be there to say that?
(13:27):
Why the need to validate thatTo who?
All right, so just something tothink about.
And I'm sharing this becausethis was my aha moment, this was
a big aha moment for me, thisbecause this was my aha moment,
this was a big aha moment for me.
And there's that saying I don'tknow if you've heard of it, but
(13:54):
there's that saying once bitten, twice shy.
You see, it's not just a saying, it's an actual neurological
adaptation, neurologicaladaptation.
So now the bigger question comesin how do we rebuild trust?
Where do we begin?
(14:14):
What do we do with all of thisnow?
Because now we're in thatbrainwave of pain, we're upset,
we feel maybe disrespected,maybe it's triggered a lot of
your failed boundaries from thepast as well.
It's not just disrupting yourneed for that oxytocin to
restore your sense of belongingand bonding, because a lot of
the time when people go throughbetrayal, especially in
(14:36):
partnership, when you're withsomeone for a while, we start to
identify with our partner.
Whether we realize it or not,that person becomes part of your
nervous system, ecosystem andregulation, patterning your
daily life.
And when that's disrupted itdoesn't just disrupt safety, it
disrupts our sense of identity.
(14:58):
It disrupts how we need torelearn to find safe anchors,
other safe anchors in our lifeand making sure that those
anchors are anchors that can beconsistent for you, because
people will always fluctuate andchange that is a given and that
(15:22):
change might come in because ofan accident.
It can come in for whateverreason.
It doesn't have to come inthrough betrayal and that's the
point that I'm trying to make.
It's so important that we haveour anchor system within us.
No-transcript be uncomfortable,it's just going to be different
(16:36):
.
Secondly is a lot of sharedemotional experiences, eye
contact, because eye contact isconstantly feeling like
someone's evading you.
Through breaking eye contact,it builds mistrust.
It makes us feel that personhas something to hide or that
(16:58):
they're not being honest inthemselves that they're not
being honest in themselves.
So eye contact is reallyimportant.
And here's the thing During ourchildhood, before the age of
three, eye contact plays anincredibly impactful role in
your nervous system's ability toregulate and whether it trusts
(17:18):
eye contact to even begin with.
So if eye contact was deliveredto you in very hostile, mean,
nasty ways, it can still triggerthat inner child and make can
make you feel even moresusceptible to trust eye contact
.
So that's why, during adultlife and having a partner that
(17:40):
can just be consistent when nowchanges are being take, you know
being created Consistency isvery important.
Second is also physicalaffection.
Second is also physicalaffection and because, at the
end of the day, vulnerabilityincreases oxytocin and it calms
(18:03):
the amygdala.
Physical affection helps tosoothe vulnerability and it
increases oxytocin and thatcalms our panic center.
Another one that I reallydeeply love is somatic
regulation breath work,meditation, co-regulation
(18:27):
exercises.
It really helps to retrain thenervous system to feel safe
again.
And then, of course, therapywork, trauma work.
Go to couples therapy and Iwould highly recommend couples
therapy and also going toseparate therapists individually
as well.
So you have a place where youcan meet, where both can feel
(18:50):
heard, but you have a separatetherapist that you can also
express certain things that yousometimes just feel like you
want to express in the absenceof your partner, and so that you
have that freedom, so thingsdon't get squeezed up and
compressed.
And small wins is veryimportant Micro-commitments,
(19:11):
daily check-ins, keepingpromises this can really start
to rebuild trust circuits invery beautiful ways.
Now studies I just want to shareone more quick study with you
before we start our meditation.
Studies show that the brain, itreally I mean it's fully
capable of rebuilding trust.
(19:32):
Right, that rebuilding that,how would I say it?
That rebuilding that trustcircuitry?
And this is done throughneuroplasticity.
We know how that works.
And betrayal it doesn't have todefine a relationship, because
research and studies show that70% of couples who experience
(19:53):
infidelity they recover.
They recover if they activelyengage in structured healing
work.
You see people with reallystrong support networks.
It's a given.
They heal faster Because theco-regulation from the safety of
others really helps to repairthe nervous system.
(20:15):
Regulation meaning the part ofthe nervous system that was
dysregulated.
Okay, beautiful.
So for everyone, if you knowsomeone that's really going
through this right now and youfeel this podcast episode might
help them, including themeditation that's coming up, so
please remember to do share itwith them.
(20:36):
This is all about helping peoplereally get back on track in
their life, all right, so whenyou are ready, let's start our
meditation and let's start bytaking a nice deep breath.
Very good, very good.
And now I invite you to startby just maybe gently closing
(21:03):
your eyes and allowing your bodyto find a really nice
comfortable position and takinga nice slow, deep breath.
(21:26):
So let's start by maybe takingthat breath through your nose,
out the mouth, and with eachbreath you feel your body
becoming heavier, calmer andmore grounded, and then just
(21:52):
gently bringing your attentionto your heart center.
Imagine a nice warm lightglowing there, soft and gentle,
(22:20):
and this light represents safety.
And even if you have been hurt,this light cannot be taken away
.
It is yours.
(22:49):
And notice now as you breathe.
And notice now as you breathe.
Imagine exhaling the weight ofbetrayal, disappointment and
fear.
With each breath, let go of thetightness of your body.
(23:18):
Feel the space around yourheart beginning to soften.
Notice how your nervous systemis gently starting to settle
(23:49):
your fate deep into the earth.
The earth is steady andunshaken.
It's solid, holding you,holding you, feeling how the
(24:18):
earth is just anchoring yourroots, anchoring you, allowing
yourself to trust in this stableconnection, trusting in this
(24:45):
stability, allowing your nervoussystem to feel that same
(25:08):
steadiness, calm, secure andCalm, secure and held.
And now visualizing trust againand in this instance, bring to
mind someone or something thatis safe.
(25:29):
It can be a loved one, a petnature, even the warm sun on
your skin.
Let yourself feel that momentof connection, however small and
(26:04):
gently, starting to feeloxytocin and the calmness flow
through you as you imagine thisbond.
And let's affirm a few positiveaffirmations as well, and you
(26:27):
can repeat after me, or you canalso just listen to my voice.
I can trust myself.
I can trust life to guide me.
I am safe to trust life.
(26:58):
I am safe to trust life.
I trust myself to heal one stepat a time.
(28:02):
My past does not define myability to love or be loved.
I am worthy of honesty, safetyand respect.
I can hold both the pain ofbetrayal and the possibility of
trust.
I can hold both the pain ofbetrayal and the possibility of
trust.
My nervous system is learninghow to feel safe again.
I release fear and I invitecalmness into my heart.
(28:36):
Trust begins with me and Imature into it daily.
(29:07):
I'm allowed to take my time toheal and rebuild Love.
Time to heal and rebuild Love,safety and connection are
available to me.
I honor my boundaries whileremaining open to new beginnings
(29:37):
.
And when you are ready, slowlyand gently starting to come back
into the here and now startedto come back into the here and
now, feeling the surface beneathyour body, that consistent,
(30:00):
stable source of space that youcan trust, that you're leaning
into, bring your awareness tothat now, slowly allowing your
(30:42):
breath to bring you back moreand more and more into the
present moment.
And when you are ready,wiggling your fingers and your
toes and gently come back.
Beautiful and gently, come back, beautiful.
Thank you so much for joining mehere for today's podcast, and
(31:04):
also our affirmation for todayis I'm allowed to take my time
to heal and also to rebuild.
And remember you're not alone.
You are healing one step at atime, one breath at a time.
And remember, if this episodetouched you, then please share
it with someone who's maybe alsonow on their healing journey
(31:27):
and, as always, breathe deep,listen within and stay gently
curious.
Thank you for joining me hereand I look forward to seeing you
in the next podcast.
Thank you for showing up foryou.
I love you and until next time,be the light that you are.
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