August 19, 2025 • 41 mins
⚠️ Trigger Warning: This episode discusses parental abuse, emotional trauma, and the death of an abusive parent. Please take care while listening.
How do you mourn a parent who was never safe? How do you grieve someone who caused you harm?
Six years ago, when my father passed away, I faced a loss layered with trauma. My father was a clinically diagnosed sociopath, an abusive alcoholic, and a man who weaponized religion. He left wounds instead of warm memories, yet when I was called to make his end-of-life decisions, I had to meet him where he was—not by abandoning my boundaries, but by finding a language that could bridge our broken connection.
Psychologists call this ambiguous grief—grieving not the person themselves, but the relationship that never truly existed. It’s a complicated, isolating experience rarely acknowledged in our cultural conversations about loss. Neuroscience shows that our brains stay tethered to the hope of repair, which explains why so many adult children of abusive parents keep seeking resolution—even when they know it won’t come.
In this episode, I share what liberation looked like for me. It wasn’t forgiveness. It wasn’t understanding. It was the quiet power of releasing the lifelong fantasy that one day he would apologize, one day he would change. His death closed the door on that waiting, and with it, I discovered a new kind of sovereignty: compassion with boundaries.
This conversation is for anyone navigating complicated grief: whether you’re mourning an abuser, an addict, a narcissist, or simply someone who couldn’t love you the way you needed. Your grief is valid. Your healing belongs to you. And peace doesn’t depend on anyone else’s transformation.
✨ Inside this episode:
- What “ambiguous grief” really means—and why it’s rarely talked about
- How unresolved childhood trauma rewires the nervous system and complicates grief
- Why compassion with boundaries is a radical act of self-liberation
- A guided meditation to support your own healing journey
Have you experienced this kind of grief? Share your story or reach out—I’d love to hear from you. You are not alone in this journey toward emotional freedom.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Welcome to Heal Within, here with me, Dr.
Evette Rose, trauma therapistand also creator of Metaphysical
Anatomy Technique, and thispodcast is going to be your safe
place to explore emotionalhealing, nervous system repair
and as well as a deep innertransformation.
And if you are ready to godeeper and you would like to be
(00:29):
supported in your journey, youcan, of course, always book a
one-on-one session with me orwith any of my certified
metapsychology coachingpractitioners, and also you can
join one of our upcoming livehealing events and workshops or
retreats atmetaphysicalanatomycom.
Now let's begin your journeyback to wholeness and also one
(00:50):
breath, one breakthrough at atime.
And today we walk into a topicthat's raw, complex and really
rarely spoken about with honesty.
And really rarely spoken aboutwith honesty how do you grieve
someone who hurt you?
How do you grieve a parent thatwas never safe?
(01:11):
This episode is for those whohave lived through the ache of a
very complicated goodbye, andit's for those also who have
reckoned with the death ofsomeone who maybe didn't love
you in the way that you need it,or who actively hurt you, and
yet you still find yourselfunraveling that grief.
(01:35):
But it's a different kind ofgrief, or is it?
You see, it's that spacebetween pain and attachment and
it's also where traumapsychology meets real life.
And I'm also going to betalking with you here today
about my story, because thereare stories that we live through
(01:55):
that never really truly make itinto the light, not because we
necessarily want to hide them,but because of the complexity of
truth, and often it doesn't fitinto these clean lines that
people would expect us to tellour story.
(02:16):
And it's one of those storiesfor me.
I mean, I lost my father yearsago.
I wouldn't even say years, Imean it's quite recent, it was
about five.
Father years ago, I wouldn'teven say years, it's quite.
I mean, it's quite recent, it'sabout five, six years ago.
And I grieved.
I absolutely grieved, yes, butnot in the way that most people
(02:38):
would imagine a daughter wouldgrieve her father.
You see, my father was not asafe man and he was a clinically
diagnosed sociopath on top ofthat.
Now, thank God, I didn't have alot of exposure with him.
He was always in the pubs andthe clubs and drinking.
If I did see him, it was veryshort bursts and moments of
(03:01):
interaction because his prioritywas out in the pubs, always
somewhere wherever there'salcohol.
You see, he was a very volatileand emotionally and mentally
abusive person, a very abusivealcoholic and self-medicated
drug addict, and he weaponizedreligion.
(03:22):
And he weaponized religion,really toting the Bible like in
one hand while using the otherto inflict violence on people
who trusted him the most.
You see, as for most of my life,love and pain were literally
weaved together in a way thatleft a lot of deep wounds, a lot
(03:47):
of deep wounds, and especiallyin my nervous system, and for
years I kept my distance,holding my boundaries that were
necessary for my survival andalso for my healing, and he
hated my work.
You know, when I started toshare my voice, publicly,
writing, teaching, standing forholistic healing, he clapped
(04:09):
back.
He sent very abusive emails tomy staff, attacking me on social
media, and he really tried toundermine my credibility,
insulting the very essence ofwhat I stood for.
But, what was interesting, henever attacked my truth, and
especially my truth when I spokeof him.
(04:31):
It's interesting how heattacked videos and comments
about, maybe, religion or God,but he didn't touch the ones
where I talked about mychildhood.
Now, despite that, it's goingto be a conversation for another
day.
I mean, that's a whole notherepisode, probably, but despite
(04:53):
all of that, the rejection, itran deep.
It ran so deep so when thehospital called me six months
before he passed, asking me if Iwould take over you know the
person who would sign and makedecisions on his behalf, because
I was the only person that helisted on his next of kin, no
(05:15):
one else, no one else.
He was, even at that point,kicked out of a church and he
was not allowed.
They had a restraining order.
You know from the priest I meanhe was, he was quite a force to
be reckoned with.
And I froze, I froze.
My first instinct was no, no,why me?
(05:39):
Why now, after all these yearsof silence, no contact, why now,
after everything?
Why can it just be someone else?
There has to be someone elsethat can take care of all of
this.
But for some reason, somethingin me just paused and I took a
(06:00):
deep breath.
And I took a deep breath, areally long, painful breath, and
I heard this whisper, and ofcourse that was my inner voice,
and it said be fix the past, notto force forgiveness but to be
(06:32):
at peace with who I was becoming.
Because until that phone callcame, I realized I wasn't fully
at peace.
I thought I was but I wasn't.
(06:54):
And I want to share now with youwhat I learned from that
journey.
You know what I learned fromthose final months?
Because my father was nevergoing to step into my world.
He couldn't going to step intomy world, he couldn't.
His trauma, his neurologicalwiring, his perception of life,
(07:18):
it all kept him locked inside ofthis framework that I couldn't
get him out of and I couldn'ttalk him out of it.
But I had the capacity tostretch just enough to meet him
where he was, and that didn'tmean betraying myself.
It didn't mean matching him,not in his chaos, not in the
(07:40):
pain, but in language, inreference points that made sense
to him.
You see, he was Christian, Iwas raised Christian, and he
carried the Bible everywhere hewent and even if he never truly
(08:01):
embodied the message which hedidn't he knew the verses.
I knew the verses because I hadto read that Bible for hours on
end as punishment, so I knewthe rhythm of the scripture, I
knew it and so I started tospeak to him through that lens.
(08:23):
I started to share Bible verseswith him.
We talked about redemption, wespoke about grace, not the
feel-good kind, but the kindthat survives war zones of the
soul.
And something remarkablehappened.
(08:45):
I'll never forget this.
This is a permanent timestampin my past.
For the first time in my life,my father listened, he softened,
he even responded withsomething other than rage and
(09:06):
that toxic dismissal, withinsults, like saying really bad
words to me.
This was the first realconversation I'd ever had with
him.
No yelling, no threats, nomanipulation.
No yelling, no threats, nomanipulation.
Just two human beings standingon this destruction and this
(09:31):
ruins of basically a brokenrelationship.
It's almost like trying toreach across to each other,
trying to connect.
And for a brief moment, we did.
We did.
You see, people often ask me howdid you find peace with a man
(09:54):
like that?
And the truth is I didn't lookfor it, I didn't wait for it, I
chose it.
And I mean I forecasted thefuture and I asked myself what
do I want to live with?
And I saw a version of myselfthat no longer was carrying the
(10:21):
weight of resentment, and Ienvisioned a life where my inner
child didn't have to keepchasing the weight of resentment
, and I envisioned a life wheremy inner child didn't have to
keep chasing the ghost of afather that she never really had
.
I wanted to be able to say thatI did everything that I could
within integrity to heal, andthat meant showing up in the
(10:44):
present moment differently.
I had to let go of waiting forthat apology that was never
going to come.
I had to stop making peaceconditional on his
transformation or his capacityto transform.
I had to stop telling myselfthat meeting him halfway meant
(11:05):
abandoning who I was, because itdidn't.
It actually meant stepping intoa higher version of myself.
It meant choosing clarity overpride.
It meant embracing wisdom overrighteousness.
(11:26):
And so many people resistconnection, even compassion, out
of fear that it will cost themtheir power.
But let me tell you, when it'sdone with discernment, with
boundaries, with intention,matching someone in that way is
(11:50):
not a weakness.
It became my strength.
It's the kind of empowermentthat comes from being grounded
in your truth, while stillcreating space for someone
else's humanity, however brokenit may be.
And this wasn't aboutcompromise, it was about
(12:15):
sovereignty.
And sometimes the most powerfulhealing is found in that well,
at least for me, in that quietdecision to show up differently,
not because they deserve it,but because you do.
(12:37):
You see, when my father did cometo pass, I grieved, but it's
not the type of grief that I wasexpecting.
I didn't grieve for the manthat he was.
I didn't grieve the memories oflove or safety or warmth,
(12:58):
because those things neverexisted between us.
But what I did grieve was thefather that I never got to have.
I grieved the fantasy of who hecould have been.
I grieved the loss of hope that, now that he's passed, the
(13:23):
chance at least for him tochange has now passed as well.
I agree for that little girl inme who didn't have everything
after all of this and I held onto that last, last, last thread
of hope that just maybe I, maybeone day he will change.
(13:47):
And for anyone else listeningtoday, if you had an abusive
parent, or you still have, youknow exactly what I'm talking
about.
I'm very sure that this willbring true for you, because that
one day that he would, you know, just look me in the eyes and
just say I'm sorry.
You know that day that he wouldsay that I'm proud of you.
(14:11):
It never came and now it's gone.
So when he died, it wasn't justa life that ended, but it was a
real, true final closing doorthat I kept open my whole life
and I didn't realize it untilthe day that he passed, and for
(14:37):
me it felt like the death ofpotential, the death of hope and
that more that for me that thatwas how can I say it's like
more than the loss of hisphysical presence, right, and
that is what really hit me andit hit me hard.
(15:00):
You see, when we look at alsothe psychology of this, this is
known as um, they call it.
What is it?
Ambiguous grief, there it is.
It's like a type of grief thatdoesn't stem from mourning
someone who gave us love andsecurity, but more from mourning
the relationship that we shouldhave had.
(15:23):
It's the pain of what never was.
It's the pain of what never was.
(15:49):
And because there is no real,true shared narrative around
this kind of grief, it oftengoes unacknowledged.
And if I should say this, maybethis is too much, maybe this is
too raw, and then the otherside of me is like, well, yvette
, this is all about being real,it's about being human, it's
about normalizing pain that wewent through in the past.
Many of you probably know mywork, but no, I stand very
strong in that and I took a deepbreath and I made this episode
(16:17):
because I'm not the only persongoing through this Because if
you're, for example, maybegrieving someone who caused you
harm and your heart still breaksin ways that logic and words
just cannot explain, I mean thiskind of grief is compounded by
what trauma experts also call.
It's called, like that, chronicinvalidation.
(16:40):
It's that prolonged absence ofattuned connection, emotional
safety and unconditional love.
Because when a parentconsistently fails to show up in
ways that meet the child'semotional needs, it creates that
attachment theory that refersto the insecure or the
(17:01):
disorganized attachment.
And in this state a childdoesn't learn to trust the world
or themselves.
They often become, you know,hypervigilant, anxious or
emotionally numb, and patternsthat are carried into adulthood
and neuroscience it confirmsthis Children raised in
(17:22):
emotionally abusive andneglectful environments.
They show lasting changes inbrain structure and function.
The amygdala, that brain'sthreat detector, becomes
overactive, keeping the nervoussystem on constant high alert.
Prefrontal cortex this helps toregulate emotions and make
sense of experiences.
(17:42):
This is struggling to overridethose survival-based reactions.
The anterior cingulate cortexthat's associated with empathy
and error detection.
That can become greatlydysregulated, making it so much
harder to trust, connect andalso self-soothe.
But perhaps also most painfullyis the reward system of the
(18:07):
brain, particularly the nucleusaccumbens.
This remains tied to the hope ofthat relational repair.
This is why so many adultchildren of abusive parents keep
reaching out, even years aftermistreatment, even years after
mistreatment.
(18:27):
You see, the brain is wired forattachment and it's going to
keep searching for thatresolution, for a corrective
experience, for a version oflove that never fully arrives.
And it's because of that partof the biology it keeps looking
(18:48):
for that attachment.
That's why I made the decisionto connect with him, but not
according to my values andbeliefs, but in a way that I
knew I would get through to him.
You see so, when my fatherpassed, my nervous system
experienced not just that lossbut this long-held wired
(19:17):
emotions, memories, all of thiscollapse with that long-held
expectation and that inner childwho had waited decades for that
validation, suddenly hadnowhere to go.
There was nowhere to anchor inand attach that hope to.
And that, more than anything,it broke me wide open, not his
(19:44):
death, but the realization thathe would never come, will become
at least that father that Ialways needed, and that the
healing that I longed for is notgoing to come from him, it was
going to come from me.
And yet, even acknowledgingthis, you know grieving not just
(20:05):
the man, but the myth.
It really became such animportant part of my healing
journey that you know I had togrieve this with eyes wide open.
I had to feel the depth of thatabandonment so that I could stop
trying to rewrite the past, sothat I can start choosing a
(20:27):
future that's not bound by itanymore, so that I can start
connecting and choosing peoplethat are healthier for me and
not going to be, hopefully, themirror of that perfect father
that I never had.
And this is what it means togrieve what never was.
It is the grief that alsoliberates us, not because it
(20:51):
brings closure, but because itclears space for something new
Self-parenting, inner safety anda peace that is no longer
dependent on someone else,finally changing.
And that, let me tell you,while that was painful, it was
(21:15):
also the beginning of emotionalfreedom, the kind of freedom
where I can take a deep breath,where my chest and my lungs feel
open and peaceful and notconstricted.
And what I know now is that Ican absolutely tell you if
(21:41):
you've lost someone who hurt you, if you're maybe in the middle,
or it's in the past, ofgrieving an abuser, an addict, a
narcissist, a parent who simplyjust couldn't love you well.
Know this your grief is valid,even if it's a mess, even if it
(22:03):
feels like more relief thansorrow, even if you're grieving
the dream and not the person.
And if you feel that you arefaced with a choice to show up
in the final stretch of theirlife, do it for you, not to fix
them, not to prove anything, nothoping for something, because
(22:30):
if you do, that final moment isgoing to be a thousand times
more painful.
Because you deserve a lifewhere you are free.
And I can see that now withcrystal clarity, standing now on
the other side of it.
And if you're not standing onthe other side of it, and if
you're not standing on the otherside of it yet, let me tell you
(22:51):
it's worth it To be free fromthat regret, from that rage,
from the change of what couldhave been matching someone you
know, meeting them on theirterms through their lenses.
It's not a weakness For me,personally speaking.
(23:13):
It was a strategy.
It was a strategy to find a wayfor both of us to connect.
It's compassion with boundaries, Passion with boundaries.
It's also turning towards peace, without judgment, without
demanding that others join youthere, especially demanding that
(23:38):
from someone who don't havethat capacity, and I don't know
if my father found peace I don't, but I did, and that is
something that I really trulycan say, that not even him can
ever take from me again.
And this was a final momentwhere I painfully and silently
(24:07):
called my power back.
And so, for those of you whoare still here with me, I
actually would love to do apowerful healing meditation for
you.
And if this touched you, ifyou're really feeling this, stay
with me in this meditation,because it's going to be so
(24:28):
healing.
When you are ready, take a nicedeep breath, finding yourself
just noticing as you're exhaling, finding yourself gently coming
into the body.
I invite you to know that thisis also your safe place, your
(24:54):
sacred space to grieve, andgrieve honestly, gently, in your
own way.
And if you have lost someonewho hurt you, if the person who
passed was also the person whocaused you pain, or they maybe
(25:17):
are about to, or you know thatthey will soon, this meditation
is for you.
I invite yourself now to becomfortable.
You can sit up, lie down,whatever you feel most
comfortable with, findingyourself gently, closing your
(25:40):
eyes and, as you do, feelingyourself really going within and
taking a nice deep breath inand exhale completely, inhale
deeply Again, breathe in andexhale.
(26:04):
Exhale Feeling your shouldersdropping, feeling your body
fully held and supported by thesurface beneath you.
That's safe support Fully heldright now and feeling that you
(26:26):
are safe.
Right now, you are no longer inthe past, you're no longer in
survival mode.
You are now in present mode,right here, right now.
(26:48):
I invite you now Gently bringingyour awareness to your heart
space, to the center of yourchest.
You may feel warmth, tightnessand even numbness.
(27:09):
Whatever is here, allow it tobe.
I invite you now To speak tothat part of you that never got
(27:36):
what you needed, that little oneinside of you that longed for a
parent's love or safety ortenderness.
Breathe into that space andallow these next words, these
(28:03):
affirmations, to land gently andsoftly.
I grieve not just the person,but the promise that was never
fulfilled.
That was never fulfilled.
(28:24):
I honor the little one insideof me who waited and hoped and
tried.
Instead of silencing that innerchild, embrace that part of you
.
I release the hope that theywill never become who I needed
(28:57):
them to be.
I invite you to imagine thatthis pressure, the weight of
that, is just releasing fromyour feet down, down, down, down
, down, down, down to the coreof the earth being neutralized
and healed.
(29:29):
I choose peace andself-compassion now I'm allowed
to feel pain and relief.
My feelings are valid, even ifthey don't make sense to others.
I give all that love that Ilonged for now to myself.
(30:02):
I am reparenting my heart withcompassion and grace.
My grief is valid, my healingis sacred and I'm free to move
(30:24):
forward.
Now I invite you to take a nicedeep breath in and exhale all
that heaviness out.
Exhale it out, out, out out,remembering there's nothing
(30:48):
wrong with you.
There's no timeline for grief,especially grief that has no
name.
I invite you now to bring onehand and place it on your heart
and the other hand on yourstomach.
(31:09):
Feel the warmth of your owntouch.
You are here, you are present,you are alive and your story,
it's still being written.
(31:30):
Allowing yourself to take a fewmore breaths, breathing in
peace.
Allowing yourself to take a fewmore breaths, breathing in peace
, breathing out expectations,letting your body know that it's
(32:00):
now safe to rest, really, trulyrest, and I invite you now, as
you are there, to imagine yourfuture, wiser self coming into
that space, there where you areyourself coming into that space,
(32:27):
there, where you are Seeingthat part of you who is healed,
who has mastered all theseemotions, that part of you
that's standing there, walks,solid, strong, and noticing how
(32:51):
that part of you is alsocomforting you, supporting you
right now, and seeing thismoment as confirmation and
validation that you aresupported, that you are a
powerful ally and source of loveand support for yourself as
(33:14):
well.
It's a part of you that you canalways go back to when you feel
vulnerable, when you havequestions, maybe when you feel
stressed or upset.
This is your place.
(33:37):
It's a powerful place to be in.
Your place.
It's a powerful place to be in.
And now I invite you to hear,feel, see or sense a beautiful
white light flowing from yourhead down your whole body, your
future.
There with you, feeling thishealing light, soothing every
(34:05):
part of your body, soothing anyof that old grief that might be
there, resolving and dissolvingthat grief, resolving and
dissolving, resolving anddissolving that grave, resolving
and dissolving, resolving anddissolving.
(34:27):
Very good.
And while that white healinglight is flowing over you, and
while that white healing lightis flowing over you, let's now
also do a little bit of breathwork and we'll gently be
(34:48):
breathing in the mouth, out thenose, 13 times the last breath.
You'll hold as long as you feelcomfortable and feel how your
nervous system is gently goingto reset.
And taking note also, perhapsby the seventh to the eighth
breath you might start to feel alittle bit dizzy.
That's perfectly normal.
(35:08):
And when we are ready, I inviteyou, when you start to breathe
which I will count for youbreathe into the area where you
feel the sadness the most andthen, from that area, exhale
that sadness.
Let's start.
Nice deep breath in the mouth,out the nose, in the mouth, out
(35:33):
the nose.
Breathe in the mouth, out thenose.
Breathe in the mouth and outthe nose.
Breathe in the mouth and outthe nose and out the nose.
(36:02):
Breathe in the mouth, out thenose.
Breathe in the mouth and outthe nose.
Breathe in the mouth and outthe nose.
(36:25):
Breathe in the mouth and outthe nose.
Breathe in the mouth and outthe nose.
(36:46):
Breathe in the mouth and outthe nose, out the nose.
Breathe in the mouth, nice deepbreath and hold your breath as
(37:10):
long as you feel comfortable,just dropping into that
dizziness but at the same timefeeling this wave of peace and
(37:37):
stillness coming over you andjust allowing yourself to be
with that just a little bitlonger.
Just be with it Very good verygood and just notice in that
(38:07):
moment how you're also feelingthe surface beneath your body,
feeling fully supported by thatsurface, fully present in the
here and now, fully present inyour safe place and space Very
(38:39):
good.
And when you are ready, knowingnow, when you open your eyes,
you will look at the worldthrough the eyes of someone
who's healing, who is strong andwho's grieving in a different
way, and it's perfectly okay.
(39:01):
When you're ready, who'sgrieving in a different way, and
it's perfectly okay.
When you're ready, givingyourself a nice big stretch and
gently opening your eyes andwelcome back.
And when you are ready, giveyourself a nice big hug, just a
(39:31):
nice big hug.
Well done, well done for beinghere with me until the very end,
and also our affirmation fortoday.
I love myself enough to let goand if you know a friend or
(40:03):
someone who might benefit fromthis hearing this, maybe they
will find a moment of healing aswell, or aha moment, please do
share it with them and I lookforward to seeing you in my next
episode.
I love you and until then, bethe light that you are.
Bye everyone.
(40:30):
This was probably the mostemotional and difficult podcast
episode that I have ever made,and this is a trigger warning I
do talk about the death of myfather and also speaking for
those who lost a loved one whowas an abuser.
How do we grieve someone that'sdone nothing but hurt you?
This is a different type ofgrief, and if this is you, or
(40:53):
maybe you know a loved onethat's going through this, it
might be a good idea to join mefor this episode, to learn and
understand.
What does the other side ofgrief look like?
Welcome to Heal Within, here with me, Dr.
Evette Rose, trauma therapistand also creator of Metaphysical
Anatomy Technique, and thispodcast is going to be your safe
place to explore emotionalhealing, nervous system repair
and as well as a deep innertransformation.
And if you are ready to godeeper and you would like to be
(00:29):
supported in your journey, youcan, of course, always book a
one-on-one session with me orwith any of my certified
metapsychology coachingpractitioners, and also you can
join one of our upcoming livehealing events and workshops or
retreats atmetaphysicalanatomycom.
Now let's begin your journeyback to wholeness and also one
(00:50):
breath, one breakthrough at atime.
And today we walk into a topicthat's raw, complex and really
rarely spoken about with honesty.
And really rarely spoken aboutwith honesty how do you grieve
someone who hurt you?
How do you grieve a parent thatwas never safe?
(01:11):
This episode is for those whohave lived through the ache of a
very complicated goodbye, andit's for those also who have
reckoned with the death ofsomeone who maybe didn't love
you in the way that you need it,or who actively hurt you, and
yet you still find yourselfunraveling that grief.
(01:35):
But it's a different kind ofgrief, or is it?
You see, it's that spacebetween pain and attachment and
it's also where traumapsychology meets real life.
And I'm also going to betalking with you here today
about my story, because thereare stories that we live through
(01:55):
that never really truly make itinto the light, not because we
necessarily want to hide them,but because of the complexity of
truth, and often it doesn't fitinto these clean lines that
people would expect us to tellour story.
(02:16):
And it's one of those storiesfor me.
I mean, I lost my father yearsago.
I wouldn't even say years, Imean it's quite recent, it was
about five.
Father years ago, I wouldn'teven say years, it's quite.
I mean, it's quite recent, it'sabout five, six years ago.
And I grieved.
I absolutely grieved, yes, butnot in the way that most people
(02:38):
would imagine a daughter wouldgrieve her father.
You see, my father was not asafe man and he was a clinically
diagnosed sociopath on top ofthat.
Now, thank God, I didn't have alot of exposure with him.
He was always in the pubs andthe clubs and drinking.
If I did see him, it was veryshort bursts and moments of
(03:01):
interaction because his prioritywas out in the pubs, always
somewhere wherever there'salcohol.
You see, he was a very volatileand emotionally and mentally
abusive person, a very abusivealcoholic and self-medicated
drug addict, and he weaponizedreligion.
(03:22):
And he weaponized religion,really toting the Bible like in
one hand while using the otherto inflict violence on people
who trusted him the most.
You see, as for most of my life,love and pain were literally
weaved together in a way thatleft a lot of deep wounds, a lot
(03:47):
of deep wounds, and especiallyin my nervous system, and for
years I kept my distance,holding my boundaries that were
necessary for my survival andalso for my healing, and he
hated my work.
You know, when I started toshare my voice, publicly,
writing, teaching, standing forholistic healing, he clapped
(04:09):
back.
He sent very abusive emails tomy staff, attacking me on social
media, and he really tried toundermine my credibility,
insulting the very essence ofwhat I stood for.
But, what was interesting, henever attacked my truth, and
especially my truth when I spokeof him.
(04:31):
It's interesting how heattacked videos and comments
about, maybe, religion or God,but he didn't touch the ones
where I talked about mychildhood.
Now, despite that, it's goingto be a conversation for another
day.
I mean, that's a whole notherepisode, probably, but despite
(04:53):
all of that, the rejection, itran deep.
It ran so deep so when thehospital called me six months
before he passed, asking me if Iwould take over you know the
person who would sign and makedecisions on his behalf, because
I was the only person that helisted on his next of kin, no
(05:15):
one else, no one else.
He was, even at that point,kicked out of a church and he
was not allowed.
They had a restraining order.
You know from the priest I meanhe was, he was quite a force to
be reckoned with.
And I froze, I froze.
My first instinct was no, no,why me?
(05:39):
Why now, after all these yearsof silence, no contact, why now,
after everything?
Why can it just be someone else?
There has to be someone elsethat can take care of all of
this.
But for some reason, somethingin me just paused and I took a
(06:00):
deep breath.
And I took a deep breath, areally long, painful breath, and
I heard this whisper, and ofcourse that was my inner voice,
and it said be fix the past, notto force forgiveness but to be
(06:32):
at peace with who I was becoming.
Because until that phone callcame, I realized I wasn't fully
at peace.
I thought I was but I wasn't.
(06:54):
And I want to share now with youwhat I learned from that
journey.
You know what I learned fromthose final months?
Because my father was nevergoing to step into my world.
He couldn't going to step intomy world, he couldn't.
His trauma, his neurologicalwiring, his perception of life,
(07:18):
it all kept him locked inside ofthis framework that I couldn't
get him out of and I couldn'ttalk him out of it.
But I had the capacity tostretch just enough to meet him
where he was, and that didn'tmean betraying myself.
It didn't mean matching him,not in his chaos, not in the
(07:40):
pain, but in language, inreference points that made sense
to him.
You see, he was Christian, Iwas raised Christian, and he
carried the Bible everywhere hewent and even if he never truly
(08:01):
embodied the message which hedidn't he knew the verses.
I knew the verses because I hadto read that Bible for hours on
end as punishment, so I knewthe rhythm of the scripture, I
knew it and so I started tospeak to him through that lens.
(08:23):
I started to share Bible verseswith him.
We talked about redemption, wespoke about grace, not the
feel-good kind, but the kindthat survives war zones of the
soul.
And something remarkablehappened.
(08:45):
I'll never forget this.
This is a permanent timestampin my past.
For the first time in my life,my father listened, he softened,
he even responded withsomething other than rage and
(09:06):
that toxic dismissal, withinsults, like saying really bad
words to me.
This was the first realconversation I'd ever had with
him.
No yelling, no threats, nomanipulation.
No yelling, no threats, nomanipulation.
Just two human beings standingon this destruction and this
(09:31):
ruins of basically a brokenrelationship.
It's almost like trying toreach across to each other,
trying to connect.
And for a brief moment, we did.
We did.
You see, people often ask me howdid you find peace with a man
(09:54):
like that?
And the truth is I didn't lookfor it, I didn't wait for it, I
chose it.
And I mean I forecasted thefuture and I asked myself what
do I want to live with?
And I saw a version of myselfthat no longer was carrying the
(10:21):
weight of resentment, and Ienvisioned a life where my inner
child didn't have to keepchasing the weight of resentment
, and I envisioned a life wheremy inner child didn't have to
keep chasing the ghost of afather that she never really had
.
I wanted to be able to say thatI did everything that I could
within integrity to heal, andthat meant showing up in the
(10:44):
present moment differently.
I had to let go of waiting forthat apology that was never
going to come.
I had to stop making peaceconditional on his
transformation or his capacityto transform.
I had to stop telling myselfthat meeting him halfway meant
(11:05):
abandoning who I was, because itdidn't.
It actually meant stepping intoa higher version of myself.
It meant choosing clarity overpride.
It meant embracing wisdom overrighteousness.
(11:26):
And so many people resistconnection, even compassion, out
of fear that it will cost themtheir power.
But let me tell you, when it'sdone with discernment, with
boundaries, with intention,matching someone in that way is
(11:50):
not a weakness.
It became my strength.
It's the kind of empowermentthat comes from being grounded
in your truth, while stillcreating space for someone
else's humanity, however brokenit may be.
And this wasn't aboutcompromise, it was about
(12:15):
sovereignty.
And sometimes the most powerfulhealing is found in that well,
at least for me, in that quietdecision to show up differently,
not because they deserve it,but because you do.
(12:37):
You see, when my father did cometo pass, I grieved, but it's
not the type of grief that I wasexpecting.
I didn't grieve for the manthat he was.
I didn't grieve the memories oflove or safety or warmth,
(12:58):
because those things neverexisted between us.
But what I did grieve was thefather that I never got to have.
I grieved the fantasy of who hecould have been.
I grieved the loss of hope that, now that he's passed, the
(13:23):
chance at least for him tochange has now passed as well.
I agree for that little girl inme who didn't have everything
after all of this and I held onto that last, last, last thread
of hope that just maybe I, maybeone day he will change.
(13:47):
And for anyone else listeningtoday, if you had an abusive
parent, or you still have, youknow exactly what I'm talking
about.
I'm very sure that this willbring true for you, because that
one day that he would, you know, just look me in the eyes and
just say I'm sorry.
You know that day that he wouldsay that I'm proud of you.
(14:11):
It never came and now it's gone.
So when he died, it wasn't justa life that ended, but it was a
real, true final closing doorthat I kept open my whole life
and I didn't realize it untilthe day that he passed, and for
(14:37):
me it felt like the death ofpotential, the death of hope and
that more that for me that thatwas how can I say it's like
more than the loss of hisphysical presence, right, and
that is what really hit me andit hit me hard.
(15:00):
You see, when we look at alsothe psychology of this, this is
known as um, they call it.
What is it?
Ambiguous grief, there it is.
It's like a type of grief thatdoesn't stem from mourning
someone who gave us love andsecurity, but more from mourning
the relationship that we shouldhave had.
(15:23):
It's the pain of what never was.
It's the pain of what never was.
(15:49):
And because there is no real,true shared narrative around
this kind of grief, it oftengoes unacknowledged.
And if I should say this, maybethis is too much, maybe this is
too raw, and then the otherside of me is like, well, yvette
, this is all about being real,it's about being human, it's
about normalizing pain that wewent through in the past.
Many of you probably know mywork, but no, I stand very
strong in that and I took a deepbreath and I made this episode
(16:17):
because I'm not the only persongoing through this Because if
you're, for example, maybegrieving someone who caused you
harm and your heart still breaksin ways that logic and words
just cannot explain, I mean thiskind of grief is compounded by
what trauma experts also call.
It's called, like that, chronicinvalidation.
(16:40):
It's that prolonged absence ofattuned connection, emotional
safety and unconditional love.
Because when a parentconsistently fails to show up in
ways that meet the child'semotional needs, it creates that
attachment theory that refersto the insecure or the
(17:01):
disorganized attachment.
And in this state a childdoesn't learn to trust the world
or themselves.
They often become, you know,hypervigilant, anxious or
emotionally numb, and patternsthat are carried into adulthood
and neuroscience it confirmsthis Children raised in
(17:22):
emotionally abusive andneglectful environments.
They show lasting changes inbrain structure and function.
The amygdala, that brain'sthreat detector, becomes
overactive, keeping the nervoussystem on constant high alert.
Prefrontal cortex this helps toregulate emotions and make
sense of experiences.
(17:42):
This is struggling to overridethose survival-based reactions.
The anterior cingulate cortexthat's associated with empathy
and error detection.
That can become greatlydysregulated, making it so much
harder to trust, connect andalso self-soothe.
But perhaps also most painfullyis the reward system of the
(18:07):
brain, particularly the nucleusaccumbens.
This remains tied to the hope ofthat relational repair.
This is why so many adultchildren of abusive parents keep
reaching out, even years aftermistreatment, even years after
mistreatment.
(18:27):
You see, the brain is wired forattachment and it's going to
keep searching for thatresolution, for a corrective
experience, for a version oflove that never fully arrives.
And it's because of that partof the biology it keeps looking
(18:48):
for that attachment.
That's why I made the decisionto connect with him, but not
according to my values andbeliefs, but in a way that I
knew I would get through to him.
You see so, when my fatherpassed, my nervous system
experienced not just that lossbut this long-held wired
(19:17):
emotions, memories, all of thiscollapse with that long-held
expectation and that inner childwho had waited decades for that
validation, suddenly hadnowhere to go.
There was nowhere to anchor inand attach that hope to.
And that, more than anything,it broke me wide open, not his
(19:44):
death, but the realization thathe would never come, will become
at least that father that Ialways needed, and that the
healing that I longed for is notgoing to come from him, it was
going to come from me.
And yet, even acknowledgingthis, you know grieving not just
(20:05):
the man, but the myth.
It really became such animportant part of my healing
journey that you know I had togrieve this with eyes wide open.
I had to feel the depth of thatabandonment so that I could stop
trying to rewrite the past, sothat I can start choosing a
(20:27):
future that's not bound by itanymore, so that I can start
connecting and choosing peoplethat are healthier for me and
not going to be, hopefully, themirror of that perfect father
that I never had.
And this is what it means togrieve what never was.
It is the grief that alsoliberates us, not because it
(20:51):
brings closure, but because itclears space for something new
Self-parenting, inner safety anda peace that is no longer
dependent on someone else,finally changing.
And that, let me tell you,while that was painful, it was
(21:15):
also the beginning of emotionalfreedom, the kind of freedom
where I can take a deep breath,where my chest and my lungs feel
open and peaceful and notconstricted.
And what I know now is that Ican absolutely tell you if
(21:41):
you've lost someone who hurt you, if you're maybe in the middle,
or it's in the past, ofgrieving an abuser, an addict, a
narcissist, a parent who simplyjust couldn't love you well.
Know this your grief is valid,even if it's a mess, even if it
(22:03):
feels like more relief thansorrow, even if you're grieving
the dream and not the person.
And if you feel that you arefaced with a choice to show up
in the final stretch of theirlife, do it for you, not to fix
them, not to prove anything, nothoping for something, because
(22:30):
if you do, that final moment isgoing to be a thousand times
more painful.
Because you deserve a lifewhere you are free.
And I can see that now withcrystal clarity, standing now on
the other side of it.
And if you're not standing onthe other side of it, and if
you're not standing on the otherside of it yet, let me tell you
(22:51):
it's worth it To be free fromthat regret, from that rage,
from the change of what couldhave been matching someone you
know, meeting them on theirterms through their lenses.
It's not a weakness For me,personally speaking.
(23:13):
It was a strategy.
It was a strategy to find a wayfor both of us to connect.
It's compassion with boundaries, Passion with boundaries.
It's also turning towards peace, without judgment, without
demanding that others join youthere, especially demanding that
(23:38):
from someone who don't havethat capacity, and I don't know
if my father found peace I don't, but I did, and that is
something that I really trulycan say, that not even him can
ever take from me again.
And this was a final momentwhere I painfully and silently
(24:07):
called my power back.
And so, for those of you whoare still here with me, I
actually would love to do apowerful healing meditation for
you.
And if this touched you, ifyou're really feeling this, stay
with me in this meditation,because it's going to be so
(24:28):
healing.
When you are ready, take a nicedeep breath, finding yourself
just noticing as you're exhaling, finding yourself gently coming
into the body.
I invite you to know that thisis also your safe place, your
(24:54):
sacred space to grieve, andgrieve honestly, gently, in your
own way.
And if you have lost someonewho hurt you, if the person who
passed was also the person whocaused you pain, or they maybe
(25:17):
are about to, or you know thatthey will soon, this meditation
is for you.
I invite yourself now to becomfortable.
You can sit up, lie down,whatever you feel most
comfortable with, findingyourself gently, closing your
(25:40):
eyes and, as you do, feelingyourself really going within and
taking a nice deep breath inand exhale completely, inhale
deeply Again, breathe in andexhale.
(26:04):
Exhale Feeling your shouldersdropping, feeling your body
fully held and supported by thesurface beneath you.
That's safe support Fully heldright now and feeling that you
(26:26):
are safe.
Right now, you are no longer inthe past, you're no longer in
survival mode.
You are now in present mode,right here, right now.
(26:48):
I invite you now Gently bringingyour awareness to your heart
space, to the center of yourchest.
You may feel warmth, tightnessand even numbness.
(27:09):
Whatever is here, allow it tobe.
I invite you now To speak tothat part of you that never got
(27:36):
what you needed, that little oneinside of you that longed for a
parent's love or safety ortenderness.
Breathe into that space andallow these next words, these
(28:03):
affirmations, to land gently andsoftly.
I grieve not just the person,but the promise that was never
fulfilled.
That was never fulfilled.
(28:24):
I honor the little one insideof me who waited and hoped and
tried.
Instead of silencing that innerchild, embrace that part of you
.
I release the hope that theywill never become who I needed
(28:57):
them to be.
I invite you to imagine thatthis pressure, the weight of
that, is just releasing fromyour feet down, down, down, down
, down, down, down to the coreof the earth being neutralized
and healed.
(29:29):
I choose peace andself-compassion now I'm allowed
to feel pain and relief.
My feelings are valid, even ifthey don't make sense to others.
I give all that love that Ilonged for now to myself.
(30:02):
I am reparenting my heart withcompassion and grace.
My grief is valid, my healingis sacred and I'm free to move
(30:24):
forward.
Now I invite you to take a nicedeep breath in and exhale all
that heaviness out.
Exhale it out, out, out out,remembering there's nothing
(30:48):
wrong with you.
There's no timeline for grief,especially grief that has no
name.
I invite you now to bring onehand and place it on your heart
and the other hand on yourstomach.
(31:09):
Feel the warmth of your owntouch.
You are here, you are present,you are alive and your story,
it's still being written.
(31:30):
Allowing yourself to take a fewmore breaths, breathing in
peace.
Allowing yourself to take a fewmore breaths, breathing in peace
, breathing out expectations,letting your body know that it's
(32:00):
now safe to rest, really, trulyrest, and I invite you now, as
you are there, to imagine yourfuture, wiser self coming into
that space, there where you areyourself coming into that space,
(32:27):
there, where you are Seeingthat part of you who is healed,
who has mastered all theseemotions, that part of you
that's standing there, walks,solid, strong, and noticing how
(32:51):
that part of you is alsocomforting you, supporting you
right now, and seeing thismoment as confirmation and
validation that you aresupported, that you are a
powerful ally and source of loveand support for yourself as
(33:14):
well.
It's a part of you that you canalways go back to when you feel
vulnerable, when you havequestions, maybe when you feel
stressed or upset.
This is your place.
(33:37):
It's a powerful place to be in.
Your place.
It's a powerful place to be in.
And now I invite you to hear,feel, see or sense a beautiful
white light flowing from yourhead down your whole body, your
future.
There with you, feeling thishealing light, soothing every
(34:05):
part of your body, soothing anyof that old grief that might be
there, resolving and dissolvingthat grief, resolving and
dissolving, resolving anddissolving that grave, resolving
and dissolving, resolving anddissolving.
(34:27):
Very good.
And while that white healinglight is flowing over you, and
while that white healing lightis flowing over you, let's now
also do a little bit of breathwork and we'll gently be
(34:48):
breathing in the mouth, out thenose, 13 times the last breath.
You'll hold as long as you feelcomfortable and feel how your
nervous system is gently goingto reset.
And taking note also, perhapsby the seventh to the eighth
breath you might start to feel alittle bit dizzy.
That's perfectly normal.
(35:08):
And when we are ready, I inviteyou, when you start to breathe
which I will count for youbreathe into the area where you
feel the sadness the most andthen, from that area, exhale
that sadness.
Let's start.
Nice deep breath in the mouth,out the nose, in the mouth, out
(35:33):
the nose.
Breathe in the mouth, out thenose.
Breathe in the mouth and outthe nose.
Breathe in the mouth and outthe nose and out the nose.
(36:02):
Breathe in the mouth, out thenose.
Breathe in the mouth and outthe nose.
Breathe in the mouth and outthe nose.
(36:25):
Breathe in the mouth and outthe nose.
Breathe in the mouth and outthe nose.
(36:46):
Breathe in the mouth and outthe nose, out the nose.
Breathe in the mouth, nice deepbreath and hold your breath as
(37:10):
long as you feel comfortable,just dropping into that
dizziness but at the same timefeeling this wave of peace and
(37:37):
stillness coming over you andjust allowing yourself to be
with that just a little bitlonger.
Just be with it Very good verygood and just notice in that
(38:07):
moment how you're also feelingthe surface beneath your body,
feeling fully supported by thatsurface, fully present in the
here and now, fully present inyour safe place and space Very
(38:39):
good.
And when you are ready, knowingnow, when you open your eyes,
you will look at the worldthrough the eyes of someone
who's healing, who is strong andwho's grieving in a different
way, and it's perfectly okay.
(39:01):
When you're ready, who'sgrieving in a different way, and
it's perfectly okay.
When you're ready, givingyourself a nice big stretch and
gently opening your eyes andwelcome back.
And when you are ready, giveyourself a nice big hug, just a
(39:31):
nice big hug.
Well done, well done for beinghere with me until the very end,
and also our affirmation fortoday.
I love myself enough to let goand if you know a friend or
(40:03):
someone who might benefit fromthis hearing this, maybe they
will find a moment of healing aswell, or aha moment, please do
share it with them and I lookforward to seeing you in my next
episode.
I love you and until then, bethe light that you are.
Bye everyone.
(40:30):
This was probably the mostemotional and difficult podcast
episode that I have ever made,and this is a trigger warning I
do talk about the death of myfather and also speaking for
those who lost a loved one whowas an abuser.
How do we grieve someone that'sdone nothing but hurt you?
This is a different type ofgrief, and if this is you, or
(40:53):
maybe you know a loved onethat's going through this, it
might be a good idea to join mefor this episode, to learn and
understand.
What does the other side ofgrief look like?
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