January 23, 2025 • 22 mins
Understanding Emotional and Nervous System Regulation: Co-Regulation vs. Co-Disregulation
Lisa Dawn delves into the critical topic of emotional regulation and the impact of our nervous system on our relationships. She discusses the concepts of co-regulation and co-disregulation, shedding light on how our upbringing shapes our ability to connect and communicate. Lisa also touches on the importance of self-regulation, the challenges of people-pleasing, and how to build healthier, more authentic relationships.
The episode includes personal anecdotes, practical advice, and a calming exercise to help reconnect with the present moment. Tune in to explore how to create internal security and genuine connections in your life.
Work with Lisa
00:00 Introduction and Personal Updates
01:16 Diving into Emotional Regulation
02:41 Understanding Nervous System Regulation
04:44 Co-Regulation vs. Co-Dysregulation
11:50 The Impact of Childhood on Emotional Health
16:34 Practical Exercise for Reconnection
20:06 Closing Thoughts and Poetry
21:14 Outro and Podcast Updates
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Lisa (00:11):
Hey guys, Lisa Dawn here.
Welcome.
Welcome.
Coming at you a day late withthis episode.
Last night I was having internetproblems.
So.
Instead of staying up late,getting frustrated and
irritated, I decided to justthrow in the towel, light some
candles, read, and settle into agood night's sleep, which didn't
(00:35):
really happen anyway, but theintention was there.
Anyone else having very strangeand vivid dreams lately?
I'd get into that, but it wouldprobably take an entire episode.
Also, it's my weddinganniversary today.
So I decided to record myselfsinging a mostly inaudible song
(00:56):
while playing my ukulele, andI'm still learning, so my voice
and my fingers don't alwaysmatch up, but I sent that little
imperfect piece of love off tomy hubby at 630 a.
m.
this morning, and he loved it.
I just wanted to share all ofthose things with you.
So today we are diving into atopic that is at the heart of so
(01:21):
many of our experiences.
We're talking about emotionalregulation and the ways we
connect or disconnect with thepeople around us.
We're talking about nervoussystem regulation, co regulation
versus co disregulation and howthe patterns we learned growing
up shape how we bond,communicate and even handle
(01:42):
conflict.
You know.
Those moments where you leave aconversation either feeling
grounded and seen or completelyspun out and drained.
Yeah, we're going to unpack someof that.
We'll also explore why somerelationships feel like a calm,
steady rhythm, while others feellike a chaotic dance of venting
(02:03):
and wound bonding.
We'll also get into how our needfor belonging, validation, and
connection can sometimes lead usto abandon our own truth.
And we'll also talk about how tostart shifting these patterns so
we can show up with moresecurity, authenticity, and
ease.
If you've ever found yourselfstuck in people pleasing,
(02:26):
needing others to validate yourfeelings, or getting caught up
in relationships that feel moredraining than fulfilling, this
episode is for you.
So let's dive in and startuntangling some of these
patterns together.
When we talk about regulatingthe nervous system, what we're
really talking about is itsability to settle after
(02:47):
activation, whether that's afight, disagreement, or hell,
even sex.
It's definitely not aboutstaying calm all of the time,
because life most certainly isnot calm all the time.
Regulation means you can feelscared, angry, or ecstatic, and
your body can rise to meet thoseemotions and then settle back
(03:11):
down again.
So think of it like a well tunedcar.
It can speed up when necessary,excuse me, and ease back into a
smooth idle afterward.
That's a flexible, regulatednervous system.
It's about being able to handlebig emotional waves and
returning to a balanced state,what we call homeostasis.
(03:34):
Short little story.
Speaking of regulation, ifyou've been tuning in for a
while, um, well, actually lastweek I shared how we've been
doing a new training protocolwith our dog Merlin.
Turns out he has really bigfeelings.
We call him our little emo dog.
And he tends to get overwhelmedeasily, whether that is in a
play situation or when he'sscared.
(03:57):
So those two things are coupledtogether.
So my husband and I are havingto help him contain his big
emotions because we didn't do agreat job of it when he was
small.
He doesn't know how to regulateproperly, so we are having to
show up differently for him andbe the leaders.
I wanted to briefly touch onthis because sometimes I wish
(04:20):
certain words didn't trend.
Have you ever noticed that whenwords start trending, they
either lose their impact orsuddenly everyone becomes an
expert on them?
Either way.
Regulation is a foundationalskill, especially when you've
been living in a body thatdoesn't know how to regulate
itself without some kind ofintervention.
(04:41):
This leads perfectly into thenext topic.
I'd like to expl exploreco-regulation and co
dysregulation.
If you're around someone or agroup of people who are highly
activated and unable to settle,and you are also unable to
settle.
the two people or group ofpeople can often co disregulate.
(05:05):
You know the times you're withthat friend or that co worker
and you both just amp each otherup over, could be anything,
issues at work, partnerships,mails, mail that didn't get
delivered, whatever it is.
It just keeps escalating andescalating without adding
anything resilient, grounded, orsettled into the conversation.
(05:26):
Co dysregulation happens when weare in shared spirals of fear
and negativity.
This is an important topicbecause it ties into trauma or
wound bonding.
It can feel connecting and goodin the moment, but the bonding
is happening over shared pain.
And if we grew up inenvironments where people bonded
(05:49):
through pain or chaos, Ournervous systems can misinterpret
co dysregulation with closeness.
Our minds are like, oh man, thisperson is awesome, I feel so
connected.
But usually our bodies aretelling a different story.
They're just sitting over therewaving around red flags.
(06:10):
Maybe after the interaction oreven during, you may begin to
notice that your body is tensingup or feeling exhausted.
Think about co dysregulationthis way.
It's when two nervous systemsfeed off of each other's stress.
Now this doesn't mean that wehave to end relationships built
(06:30):
on co dysregulation, but it'sworth noticing.
Am I co regulating with thisperson or co dysregulating with
them?
And then you get to choose howyou want to interact.
You get to choose how you wantto feel.
Now, in contrast, co regulationhappens when one person stays
(06:53):
grounded and steady, offering apresence that helps the other
settle too.
It's a grounded exchange thatfosters connection and
stability.
You know that friend or familymember who just feels solid.
They hear you out, offersupport, but they don't match
your intensity.
(07:14):
These are all really importantthings to talk about because for
many of us co dysregulation is adefault way of connecting.
Relationships built on sharedcomplaints or fears can feel
intimate at first, but over timethey often often leave us
feeling drained and not trulyconnected.
And when one person starts tobreak this pattern by staying
(07:36):
calm or offering a newperspective, it can feel
destabilizing to the other.
When we've been used to lookingto others to mirror back to us
our beliefs, it can feel like aslap in the face when someone
doesn't feel when someonedoesn't feed into our fear or
drama.
People who offer co regulationare offering what somatic
(07:59):
experiencing calls a countervortex, which is essentially
pulling someone out of theirtrauma vortex or pain spiral, or
giving them another way to lookat the same issue that is more
settling to their system.
So for instance, Imagine aheated topic like the dreaded
(08:19):
vaccines or presidentialelections.
If I'm deeply fearful and myfriend offers a grounded
opposing perspective, it canfeel like a rupture or a bond is
broken.
We're no longer bonding overshared fear, which challenges
the pattern of connection thatwe've built.
(08:40):
It might even feel like they'rerejecting me, but in reality,
They're offering me a chance tostep out of the co dysregulation
cycle by offering a differentperspective.
And this dynamic also ties intocodependence.
When we're insecure aboutsomething, we often look to
others to mirror and validateour fears.
(09:02):
If they agree with us, it canfeel comforting, but if they
don't, it can create tensionbecause we're relying on
external validation rather thanself connection.
And true security means beinggrounded enough in your own
beliefs that you don't needothers to mirror them back to
you to feel okay.
We can be open and flexible tonew ideas and concepts, but we
(09:25):
don't feel attacked when someonedisagrees with us.
Now this brings me to the topicof fawning which is a reflexive
form of people pleasing.
So many of us, myself included,have used our bodies, our eyes,
our smiles to signal agreementwe didn't truly feel all in the
(09:48):
name of belonging.
Have you ever found yourselfhypnotically nodding your head
in agreeance or going somewhereyou didn't want to go almost
robotically?
Only to wonder after, what thehell was that?
Where was my backbone?
Why did I say yes when I knewthat I didn't want to do that?
(10:12):
First, give yourself somecompassion.
This is part of the autonomicnervous system which triggers a
parasympathetic response whenthe body perceives danger or
overwhelming stress.
So it's automatic.
And this can leave us feelingexhausted and disconnected
because the relationships weform hinge on conformity rather
(10:34):
than authenticity.
These are not true relationshipsbecause no one truly knows one
another.
We just fake it so that we canfind relief.
We fawn.
This dynamic isn't limited topersonal relationships, it's
everywhere, especially online.
People often project theirbeliefs onto others and expect
(10:55):
agreement as proof ofconnection.
And then when someone deviatesfrom this expectation, it can
provoke anger and resentmentbecause the bond feels ruptured.
But genuine relationships areinterdependent.
They allow for differences inbelief while maintaining respect
and connection.
(11:16):
And interdependence requiressecurity in ourselves and our
beliefs.
It also means being open minded,able to engage with differing
perspectives without losing oursense of self.
This is the opposite of codependence, which stems from
unmet developmental needs.
Needs for mirroring, validation,and belonging.
(11:39):
We learn all of these things ifwe belong to a functional family
system or we had adults aroundus who learned these things and
could model them for us.
Yep, you're probably thinking,oh lord, here Lisa goes again.
She's gonna go on a rant abouthealing the inner child, but
honestly.
(11:59):
98 percent of our programmingcomes from these years.
And listen, nobody has a perfectchildhood.
Just last week, I discoveredanother layer about a part of me
that was wounded and hurt in thefifth grade.
And I was like, holy shit, thatwas a real crummy year for
little Lisa.
But how wonderful that I get tocomfort her now.
(12:23):
So I'm going to go into it alittle bit more.
When our needs aren't met inchildhood, we may grow up
relying on others to show us whowe are instead of having one
foot firmly rooted in ourselves.
And this can lead todysregulation, emotional
numbness, or an inability to sethealthy boundaries.
(12:43):
And children are naturallyinnocent, inexperienced, and
naive.
Like, they tend to believe theircaregivers can do no wrong and
when caregivers abuse or punishchildren for exhibiting normal
traits of growth, such as beingvulnerable, imperfect,
dependent, and immature,children begin to lose their
sense of value.
(13:04):
They often blame themselvesbecause they can't yet see that
the fault lies with thecaregiver.
For instance, caregivers mayplace undue pressure on children
to perform, or yell at them forminor accidents, like spilling
something.
And the very presence of abuseoften signals that caregivers
lack boundaries, healthyrelational skills, or an intact
(13:28):
sense of self.
Probably all of those things.
As a result, children don'tdevelop these systems properly
themselves.
This is why we often hear thephrase, it wasn't your fault
what happened to you as a child,but it is your responsible to
heal as an adult.
Because children are by natureimmature.
Okay, like they pick theirnoses.
(13:50):
They say inappropriate thingsand speak without understanding
the implications Like I used totell my kindergarten teacher
that my dad Liked to look atnaked women and that my parents
weren't married.
They were just living togetherSo kids also they fight in the
backseat they spill things andneed guidance when they
(14:10):
experience big emotions when wefeel as adults, surprised,
angered, or concerned bychildren acting like children,
we're ignoring something very,very natural.
They're not miniature adults,they are children.
And this brings us to theimportance of learning how to
(14:31):
feel our emotions in a healthy,in healthy, functional ways.
Every emotion serves a purposeand we all experience them.
However, all forms of abuse,neglect, and trauma can lead to
extremes.
Either overwhelming emotionsthat feel too big to face or
emotional numbness.
(14:54):
I truly believe that ourcollective work as a society is
to build a healthierrelationship with our emotions
and to truly learn how to bewith ourselves, even if we
didn't learn how to as children.
Western society oftencategorizes emotions as good or
bad, which is both false andharmful.
(15:14):
It's a distorted way of viewingour internal world.
We're all healing fromsomething.
This is part of our humanexperience.
Most of us can point to momentsin childhood when we weren't
allowed to act our age, when wereceived too little time,
attention, or direction from theadults around us.
When this happens consistently,It's much more likely that we
(15:38):
grow up to be either emotionallychaotic or overly controlling so
creating Internal safety andsecurity is key It gives us the
strength to let others feeloffended by our beliefs without
feeling the need to peopleplease our way back into
Connection that was huge,especially for me and for so
(16:01):
many people True self esteemallows us to stay grounded in
who we are while remainingflexible.
This means setting boundariesinstead of building walls, which
when we're struggling it canfeel like we're setting
boundaries when we're reallyjust building walls.
And it also means focusing onthe people and things that bring
(16:21):
us joy rather than obsessingover others judgments.
That was a lot of information ina short amount of time.
So, thank you for staying withme.
I feel like it would bebeneficial to do a simple
practice to begin to reconnectwith our essential selves, to
(16:43):
reconnect with the here and now.
Again, if you're driving, maybecoming back to this when you
have some space to tune in.
So let's just take a moment tosit back and connect with our
hands, perhaps even just lookingdown at them, maybe rubbing your
(17:08):
fingers together, thinking aboutall of the things that your
hands do for you in a day, justallowing yourself to really take
in your hands.
Now, just allow your head torelax.
(17:33):
Maybe you take those hands andjust allow your face to drop
into them, surrendering yourhead and your face into your
hands.
You can stay here as long as youlike and when you feel a sense
of settling which may feel likeletting out a yawn, a sigh,
(17:59):
relaxing your shoulders or evena softening of your breath,
check out your room.
Using your head and your neck tolook around the room and notice
what catches your attention.
(18:19):
Maybe it's a plant, someartwork, or some sunlight
streaming in through a window.
And just observe how your bodyresponds to these things.
Where in your body do you feelthe plant, the sunlight, the
artwork, whatever it is.
(18:44):
And just allow yourself to takein those things.
And as you do this, notice ifyou begin to feel a sense of
ease.
Notice what is happening withinyou as you take in your
(19:06):
surroundings.
This is your body's way ofcoming into contact with the
present moment, with yourreality, that is completely
separate from anything elseright now.
By focusing on the present, evenfor a moment, you reconnect with
(19:29):
your body and surroundings.
Separating yourself from theexperiences that are
overwhelming so your body candeeply exhale.
This creates a counter vortex,pulling you out of stress and
into the here and now.
And from this grounded place,you can better discern what's
(19:51):
true for you.
Just take a moment and noticewhat's different for you now.
As we begin to close out.
This episode, I just wanted toshare some words from one of my
(20:11):
favorite poets, Rainier Wilde.
Become a person beyond belief.
Be here and now and real.
Respond to life as it occurs.
Flow.
Be flexible.
Give and take.
(20:33):
Learn to trust the experience ofyour body.
What is it saying?
Don't let the idea andexperiences of others do the
thinking for you.
In the end, healing is aboutcoming home to ourselves,
learning to feel, trust, andhonor our emotions even when
(20:56):
it's hard.
It's about replacing self blamewith self compassion and
building the kind of internalsecurity that lets us stand firm
in who we are while staying opento others, open to connection.
Alright, my peeps, thank you asalways for joining me.
(21:19):
I bid you adieu.
Until next time, have awonderful day.
As always, thank you so much forlistening.
Life is busy.
So it means even more thatyou're carving out time in your
day to be here.
Listen, we've got so many greatepisodes coming up, so please
(21:39):
make sure you subscribe tofollow along on Apple podcasts
or Spotify.
And for those of you who like towatch your podcasts, we are now
uploading them to YouTube.
And if you appreciate theseepisodes, please do us a favor
and leave a rating or a reviewand share it with anyone you
think could benefit.
See you again next Wednesday.
(22:02):
outro music
Hey guys, Lisa Dawn here.
Welcome.
Welcome.
Coming at you a day late withthis episode.
Last night I was having internetproblems.
So.
Instead of staying up late,getting frustrated and
irritated, I decided to justthrow in the towel, light some
candles, read, and settle into agood night's sleep, which didn't
(00:35):
really happen anyway, but theintention was there.
Anyone else having very strangeand vivid dreams lately?
I'd get into that, but it wouldprobably take an entire episode.
Also, it's my weddinganniversary today.
So I decided to record myselfsinging a mostly inaudible song
(00:56):
while playing my ukulele, andI'm still learning, so my voice
and my fingers don't alwaysmatch up, but I sent that little
imperfect piece of love off tomy hubby at 630 a.
m.
this morning, and he loved it.
I just wanted to share all ofthose things with you.
So today we are diving into atopic that is at the heart of so
(01:21):
many of our experiences.
We're talking about emotionalregulation and the ways we
connect or disconnect with thepeople around us.
We're talking about nervoussystem regulation, co regulation
versus co disregulation and howthe patterns we learned growing
up shape how we bond,communicate and even handle
(01:42):
conflict.
You know.
Those moments where you leave aconversation either feeling
grounded and seen or completelyspun out and drained.
Yeah, we're going to unpack someof that.
We'll also explore why somerelationships feel like a calm,
steady rhythm, while others feellike a chaotic dance of venting
(02:03):
and wound bonding.
We'll also get into how our needfor belonging, validation, and
connection can sometimes lead usto abandon our own truth.
And we'll also talk about how tostart shifting these patterns so
we can show up with moresecurity, authenticity, and
ease.
If you've ever found yourselfstuck in people pleasing,
(02:26):
needing others to validate yourfeelings, or getting caught up
in relationships that feel moredraining than fulfilling, this
episode is for you.
So let's dive in and startuntangling some of these
patterns together.
When we talk about regulatingthe nervous system, what we're
really talking about is itsability to settle after
(02:47):
activation, whether that's afight, disagreement, or hell,
even sex.
It's definitely not aboutstaying calm all of the time,
because life most certainly isnot calm all the time.
Regulation means you can feelscared, angry, or ecstatic, and
your body can rise to meet thoseemotions and then settle back
(03:11):
down again.
So think of it like a well tunedcar.
It can speed up when necessary,excuse me, and ease back into a
smooth idle afterward.
That's a flexible, regulatednervous system.
It's about being able to handlebig emotional waves and
returning to a balanced state,what we call homeostasis.
(03:34):
Short little story.
Speaking of regulation, ifyou've been tuning in for a
while, um, well, actually lastweek I shared how we've been
doing a new training protocolwith our dog Merlin.
Turns out he has really bigfeelings.
We call him our little emo dog.
And he tends to get overwhelmedeasily, whether that is in a
play situation or when he'sscared.
(03:57):
So those two things are coupledtogether.
So my husband and I are havingto help him contain his big
emotions because we didn't do agreat job of it when he was
small.
He doesn't know how to regulateproperly, so we are having to
show up differently for him andbe the leaders.
I wanted to briefly touch onthis because sometimes I wish
(04:20):
certain words didn't trend.
Have you ever noticed that whenwords start trending, they
either lose their impact orsuddenly everyone becomes an
expert on them?
Either way.
Regulation is a foundationalskill, especially when you've
been living in a body thatdoesn't know how to regulate
itself without some kind ofintervention.
(04:41):
This leads perfectly into thenext topic.
I'd like to expl exploreco-regulation and co
dysregulation.
If you're around someone or agroup of people who are highly
activated and unable to settle,and you are also unable to
settle.
the two people or group ofpeople can often co disregulate.
(05:05):
You know the times you're withthat friend or that co worker
and you both just amp each otherup over, could be anything,
issues at work, partnerships,mails, mail that didn't get
delivered, whatever it is.
It just keeps escalating andescalating without adding
anything resilient, grounded, orsettled into the conversation.
(05:26):
Co dysregulation happens when weare in shared spirals of fear
and negativity.
This is an important topicbecause it ties into trauma or
wound bonding.
It can feel connecting and goodin the moment, but the bonding
is happening over shared pain.
And if we grew up inenvironments where people bonded
(05:49):
through pain or chaos, Ournervous systems can misinterpret
co dysregulation with closeness.
Our minds are like, oh man, thisperson is awesome, I feel so
connected.
But usually our bodies aretelling a different story.
They're just sitting over therewaving around red flags.
(06:10):
Maybe after the interaction oreven during, you may begin to
notice that your body is tensingup or feeling exhausted.
Think about co dysregulationthis way.
It's when two nervous systemsfeed off of each other's stress.
Now this doesn't mean that wehave to end relationships built
(06:30):
on co dysregulation, but it'sworth noticing.
Am I co regulating with thisperson or co dysregulating with
them?
And then you get to choose howyou want to interact.
You get to choose how you wantto feel.
Now, in contrast, co regulationhappens when one person stays
(06:53):
grounded and steady, offering apresence that helps the other
settle too.
It's a grounded exchange thatfosters connection and
stability.
You know that friend or familymember who just feels solid.
They hear you out, offersupport, but they don't match
your intensity.
(07:14):
These are all really importantthings to talk about because for
many of us co dysregulation is adefault way of connecting.
Relationships built on sharedcomplaints or fears can feel
intimate at first, but over timethey often often leave us
feeling drained and not trulyconnected.
And when one person starts tobreak this pattern by staying
(07:36):
calm or offering a newperspective, it can feel
destabilizing to the other.
When we've been used to lookingto others to mirror back to us
our beliefs, it can feel like aslap in the face when someone
doesn't feel when someonedoesn't feed into our fear or
drama.
People who offer co regulationare offering what somatic
(07:59):
experiencing calls a countervortex, which is essentially
pulling someone out of theirtrauma vortex or pain spiral, or
giving them another way to lookat the same issue that is more
settling to their system.
So for instance, Imagine aheated topic like the dreaded
(08:19):
vaccines or presidentialelections.
If I'm deeply fearful and myfriend offers a grounded
opposing perspective, it canfeel like a rupture or a bond is
broken.
We're no longer bonding overshared fear, which challenges
the pattern of connection thatwe've built.
(08:40):
It might even feel like they'rerejecting me, but in reality,
They're offering me a chance tostep out of the co dysregulation
cycle by offering a differentperspective.
And this dynamic also ties intocodependence.
When we're insecure aboutsomething, we often look to
others to mirror and validateour fears.
(09:02):
If they agree with us, it canfeel comforting, but if they
don't, it can create tensionbecause we're relying on
external validation rather thanself connection.
And true security means beinggrounded enough in your own
beliefs that you don't needothers to mirror them back to
you to feel okay.
We can be open and flexible tonew ideas and concepts, but we
(09:25):
don't feel attacked when someonedisagrees with us.
Now this brings me to the topicof fawning which is a reflexive
form of people pleasing.
So many of us, myself included,have used our bodies, our eyes,
our smiles to signal agreementwe didn't truly feel all in the
(09:48):
name of belonging.
Have you ever found yourselfhypnotically nodding your head
in agreeance or going somewhereyou didn't want to go almost
robotically?
Only to wonder after, what thehell was that?
Where was my backbone?
Why did I say yes when I knewthat I didn't want to do that?
(10:12):
First, give yourself somecompassion.
This is part of the autonomicnervous system which triggers a
parasympathetic response whenthe body perceives danger or
overwhelming stress.
So it's automatic.
And this can leave us feelingexhausted and disconnected
because the relationships weform hinge on conformity rather
(10:34):
than authenticity.
These are not true relationshipsbecause no one truly knows one
another.
We just fake it so that we canfind relief.
We fawn.
This dynamic isn't limited topersonal relationships, it's
everywhere, especially online.
People often project theirbeliefs onto others and expect
(10:55):
agreement as proof ofconnection.
And then when someone deviatesfrom this expectation, it can
provoke anger and resentmentbecause the bond feels ruptured.
But genuine relationships areinterdependent.
They allow for differences inbelief while maintaining respect
and connection.
(11:16):
And interdependence requiressecurity in ourselves and our
beliefs.
It also means being open minded,able to engage with differing
perspectives without losing oursense of self.
This is the opposite of codependence, which stems from
unmet developmental needs.
Needs for mirroring, validation,and belonging.
(11:39):
We learn all of these things ifwe belong to a functional family
system or we had adults aroundus who learned these things and
could model them for us.
Yep, you're probably thinking,oh lord, here Lisa goes again.
She's gonna go on a rant abouthealing the inner child, but
honestly.
(11:59):
98 percent of our programmingcomes from these years.
And listen, nobody has a perfectchildhood.
Just last week, I discoveredanother layer about a part of me
that was wounded and hurt in thefifth grade.
And I was like, holy shit, thatwas a real crummy year for
little Lisa.
But how wonderful that I get tocomfort her now.
(12:23):
So I'm going to go into it alittle bit more.
When our needs aren't met inchildhood, we may grow up
relying on others to show us whowe are instead of having one
foot firmly rooted in ourselves.
And this can lead todysregulation, emotional
numbness, or an inability to sethealthy boundaries.
(12:43):
And children are naturallyinnocent, inexperienced, and
naive.
Like, they tend to believe theircaregivers can do no wrong and
when caregivers abuse or punishchildren for exhibiting normal
traits of growth, such as beingvulnerable, imperfect,
dependent, and immature,children begin to lose their
sense of value.
(13:04):
They often blame themselvesbecause they can't yet see that
the fault lies with thecaregiver.
For instance, caregivers mayplace undue pressure on children
to perform, or yell at them forminor accidents, like spilling
something.
And the very presence of abuseoften signals that caregivers
lack boundaries, healthyrelational skills, or an intact
(13:28):
sense of self.
Probably all of those things.
As a result, children don'tdevelop these systems properly
themselves.
This is why we often hear thephrase, it wasn't your fault
what happened to you as a child,but it is your responsible to
heal as an adult.
Because children are by natureimmature.
Okay, like they pick theirnoses.
(13:50):
They say inappropriate thingsand speak without understanding
the implications Like I used totell my kindergarten teacher
that my dad Liked to look atnaked women and that my parents
weren't married.
They were just living togetherSo kids also they fight in the
backseat they spill things andneed guidance when they
(14:10):
experience big emotions when wefeel as adults, surprised,
angered, or concerned bychildren acting like children,
we're ignoring something very,very natural.
They're not miniature adults,they are children.
And this brings us to theimportance of learning how to
(14:31):
feel our emotions in a healthy,in healthy, functional ways.
Every emotion serves a purposeand we all experience them.
However, all forms of abuse,neglect, and trauma can lead to
extremes.
Either overwhelming emotionsthat feel too big to face or
emotional numbness.
(14:54):
I truly believe that ourcollective work as a society is
to build a healthierrelationship with our emotions
and to truly learn how to bewith ourselves, even if we
didn't learn how to as children.
Western society oftencategorizes emotions as good or
bad, which is both false andharmful.
(15:14):
It's a distorted way of viewingour internal world.
We're all healing fromsomething.
This is part of our humanexperience.
Most of us can point to momentsin childhood when we weren't
allowed to act our age, when wereceived too little time,
attention, or direction from theadults around us.
When this happens consistently,It's much more likely that we
(15:38):
grow up to be either emotionallychaotic or overly controlling so
creating Internal safety andsecurity is key It gives us the
strength to let others feeloffended by our beliefs without
feeling the need to peopleplease our way back into
Connection that was huge,especially for me and for so
(16:01):
many people True self esteemallows us to stay grounded in
who we are while remainingflexible.
This means setting boundariesinstead of building walls, which
when we're struggling it canfeel like we're setting
boundaries when we're reallyjust building walls.
And it also means focusing onthe people and things that bring
(16:21):
us joy rather than obsessingover others judgments.
That was a lot of information ina short amount of time.
So, thank you for staying withme.
I feel like it would bebeneficial to do a simple
practice to begin to reconnectwith our essential selves, to
(16:43):
reconnect with the here and now.
Again, if you're driving, maybecoming back to this when you
have some space to tune in.
So let's just take a moment tosit back and connect with our
hands, perhaps even just lookingdown at them, maybe rubbing your
(17:08):
fingers together, thinking aboutall of the things that your
hands do for you in a day, justallowing yourself to really take
in your hands.
Now, just allow your head torelax.
(17:33):
Maybe you take those hands andjust allow your face to drop
into them, surrendering yourhead and your face into your
hands.
You can stay here as long as youlike and when you feel a sense
of settling which may feel likeletting out a yawn, a sigh,
(17:59):
relaxing your shoulders or evena softening of your breath,
check out your room.
Using your head and your neck tolook around the room and notice
what catches your attention.
(18:19):
Maybe it's a plant, someartwork, or some sunlight
streaming in through a window.
And just observe how your bodyresponds to these things.
Where in your body do you feelthe plant, the sunlight, the
artwork, whatever it is.
(18:44):
And just allow yourself to takein those things.
And as you do this, notice ifyou begin to feel a sense of
ease.
Notice what is happening withinyou as you take in your
(19:06):
surroundings.
This is your body's way ofcoming into contact with the
present moment, with yourreality, that is completely
separate from anything elseright now.
By focusing on the present, evenfor a moment, you reconnect with
(19:29):
your body and surroundings.
Separating yourself from theexperiences that are
overwhelming so your body candeeply exhale.
This creates a counter vortex,pulling you out of stress and
into the here and now.
And from this grounded place,you can better discern what's
(19:51):
true for you.
Just take a moment and noticewhat's different for you now.
As we begin to close out.
This episode, I just wanted toshare some words from one of my
(20:11):
favorite poets, Rainier Wilde.
Become a person beyond belief.
Be here and now and real.
Respond to life as it occurs.
Flow.
Be flexible.
Give and take.
(20:33):
Learn to trust the experience ofyour body.
What is it saying?
Don't let the idea andexperiences of others do the
thinking for you.
In the end, healing is aboutcoming home to ourselves,
learning to feel, trust, andhonor our emotions even when
(20:56):
it's hard.
It's about replacing self blamewith self compassion and
building the kind of internalsecurity that lets us stand firm
in who we are while staying opento others, open to connection.
Alright, my peeps, thank you asalways for joining me.
(21:19):
I bid you adieu.
Until next time, have awonderful day.
As always, thank you so much forlistening.
Life is busy.
So it means even more thatyou're carving out time in your
day to be here.
Listen, we've got so many greatepisodes coming up, so please
(21:39):
make sure you subscribe tofollow along on Apple podcasts
or Spotify.
And for those of you who like towatch your podcasts, we are now
uploading them to YouTube.
And if you appreciate theseepisodes, please do us a favor
and leave a rating or a reviewand share it with anyone you
think could benefit.
See you again next Wednesday.
(22:02):
outro music
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