March 5, 2025 • 31 mins
The Power of Eye Contact: Connection, Healing, and Self-Discovery.
In this episode Lisa Dawn explores the profound impact of eye contact on relationships, connection, and nervous system health.
She shares personal experiences of overcoming difficulties with eye contact and provides insight into how somatic and attachment psychology can help transform deeply ingrained survival strategies.
Lisa discusses the interconnectedness of the eyes, jaw, and pelvis, and offers practical exercises to help listeners develop safe and natural eye contact. Additionally, she emphasizes the importance of the eyes as both receivers and transmitters of emotional energy and how true intimacy involves a dance of seeing and being seen.
The episode concludes with guided practices for relaxing the pelvis, jaw, and eyes to build tolerance for connection and intimacy.
00:00 Introduction to Healed, Now What?
01:21 Personal Updates and Episode Topic Introduction
02:10 The Power of Eye Contact
06:49 Eyes as Receivers and Transmitters
15:30 Interconnection of Eyes, Jaw, and Pelvis
18:44 Practical Exercises for Eye Contact
28:51 Reflecting on the Practice
30:39 Closing Remarks and Future Episodes
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Lisa (00:01):
Greetings, my friends, and welcome to another episode of
Healed, Now What?, a podcastwhere we discuss life,
relationships, connection, andtrauma through the lens of
somatic and attachmentpsychology, nervous system
health, relationships, and selfdiscovery.
I'm Lisa Dawn, and I'm on amission to teach people how to
(00:23):
transform their deepest woundsinto their greatest strengths by
first transforming therelationship they have with
themselves.
So whether you've had trauma,years of failed partnerships, or
just want a better relationshipwith your body, I've got you
covered.
I am a Somatic ExperiencingPractitioner, Educator,
(00:44):
Relationship Mentor, and TraumaSurvivor.
With a lifetime of experiencehelping not only myself, but
countless others transform theirlives by learning how to become
the fullest versions ofthemselves.
We do this through selfawareness, connecting with their
bodies and changing the way theyperceive themselves and others.
(01:06):
I have coached innumerous peoplehow to heal their wounds and
create lasting change so theycan live a more joyous,
passionate and fulfilling life.
Thank you so much for tuning inand enjoy the show.
Hey guys, Lisa Dawn here.
(01:35):
Welcome back.
How's everyone doing today?
I am feeling spring is in theair.
It is a slushy and poopy mess,um, out where I am on an acreage
in Alberta.
(01:55):
We have five dogs.
that live on the property and soas the melt as the snow is
melting we're getting a sense ofHow much they've been doing
their business all winter long.
So I'm not mad about it though.
I'm just thankful for the warmertemperatures But I digress today
(02:16):
We are talking about eye contactYep, that thing that can feel
like an open invitation toconnection or a direct
confrontation with your ownsoul.
Now, as a recovering avoidantattacher, I remember a time when
(02:36):
eye contact was actuallyincredibly difficult for me.
Even if I were just walking downthe street and someone was
walking towards me, I justcouldn't help but look down and
away.
And I would avoid that kind ofeye contact at all costs.
Even just the mere idea of eyecontact, no thanks.
(02:59):
Then came my first experiencewith eye gazing in a sharing
circle with strangers.
In just 60 seconds.
But it felt like forever.
I remember feeling like my bodywanted to escape, my emotions
surged, there were tears, and itwas a pretty intense experience
(03:20):
for most of us there that day.
So why is eye contact sopowerful?
Why do some of us avoid it whileothers crave it?
And what does it reveal aboutour attachment patterns and
nervous system?
That's what we're unpackingtoday through a somatic and
attachment based lens.
(03:41):
We'll dive into the connectionbetween the eyes, jaw, and
pelvis and how one can informthe others.
And we'll also try someexercises to make eye contact
feel safer and more natural.
So let's get into it.
Eyes have long been called thewindows to the soul.
But they're also portals,gateways to potential connection
(04:07):
and deep intimacy.
When we truly look intoanother's eyes, beyond the
social masks and reflexivedefenses, we glimpse something
raw and unguarded.
And our nervous system respondsinstinctively.
Pupils will dilate, our breathcan shift, micro expressions
(04:30):
flicker.
And a simple, prolonged gaze canevoke safety, desire, or even
terror, depending on therelational imprints we carry.
For those with attachmentwounds, eye contact can be or
feel like a battleground.
So avoidant folks, like myself,may struggle to sustain it,
(04:55):
fearing exposure.
While anxious types may seek itdesperately, needing
reassurance.
While securely attachedindividuals, on the other hand,
rest.
In the natural rhythm of eyecontact, meeting, softening,
looking away, and returning withease.
And then folks that have a moredisorganized system may struggle
(05:21):
to sustain it while seeking itdesperately.
So it's like this push and pullbetween the two.
And in somatic and attachmenthealing, eyes can be an entry
point.
The way someone meets or avoidsgaze can reveal old survival
strategies.
And this was the case for me, Ijust didn't know it at the time.
(05:43):
So learning how to hold eyecontact in a grounded way can
begin to rewire the way that weperceive threat.
We can rewire the nervoussystem, building tolerance for
connection and intimacy.
And eyes are not just receivers,they're transmitters.
(06:05):
They hold the full spectrum ofhuman experience.
So love, grief, longing,recognition.
To be truly seen withoutpretense or performance is one
of the most profound experiencesof human existence.
Man, eyes are so hardcore.
(06:25):
So speaking of which, speakingof eyes as both receivers and
transmitters, It's this unbrokencircuit of energy, emotion, and
perception.
So they don't just take in theworld, they shape it, they
communicate within it.
and even influence how othersrespond.
(06:49):
So let's talk about eyes asreceivers a little bit.
Our eyes are the firststorytellers of our nervous
system, constantly scanning theenvironment for cues of safety
or threat.
Before we process words, beforewe even consciously register
what we're seeing, our eyesabsorb the microexpressions,
(07:10):
body language, and emotionalcharge of those around us.
So it's kind of like thisperception beyond vision.
So eyes don't just see, theyfeel.
They can register sadness insomeone's face before their
voice cracks, the unspokenlonging in a glance, the subtle
(07:31):
shifts of dilation and movementthat can signal trust, fear, or
excitement.
They can show us mirroring andattunement in deep connection,
our eyes synchronize withinothers.
Our pupils dilate in response toattraction, our expressions
soften in resonance with warmth,and babies seek out eye contact
(07:54):
to regulate their nervoussystem.
And as adults, we instinctivelydo the same.
And we can receive healingthrough receiving.
We can allow ourselves to trulysee and be seen.
We can open to repair.
Receiving a loving gaze,especially if we've historically
(08:16):
been met with disinterest oravoidance, can really help
reshape our internal sense ofworth and belonging.
So now let's talk about eyes astransmitters.
So while the eyes receive theyalso give and every glance we
offer can carry an intention andemotion and energy Revealing
(08:38):
more than words ever could sothey can be a form of unfiltered
truth Even when we try andconceal our emotion our eyes can
betray us They reveal longing ina moment of restraint excitement
behind feigned indifferencevulnerability In the pause
(09:00):
between blinks, they can beinvitations and boundaries.
A lingering gaze can be aninvitation into intimacy,
curiosity, or shared experience.
Averted eyes can signaldiscomfort, shyness, or the need
for space.
Our eyes can communicate ouravailability or lack thereof to
(09:22):
the world.
And there's a form of energetictransmission.
Just as eyes can receive careand attunement, they can offer
it.
A soft gaze can soothe.
A focused stare can challenge.
A playful glimmer can igniteconnection.
In moments of true presence,eyes become a direct channel for
(09:45):
love, reassurance, and eventransformation.
So there's this dance of seeingand being seen.
And true intimacy lies in thebalance between receiving and
transmitting.
Between looking with curiosityand allowing ourselves to be
witnessed.
To hold someone's gaze withoutpretense, without defense, is to
(10:08):
stand at the edge of profoundconnection.
And eye contact is regulated bythe social engagement system.
which is a function of theventral vagal branch of the
parasympathetic nervous system.
So this system helps us toconnect with others through
(10:29):
facial expressions, vocal tone,and eye contact.
And again, If someone has ahistory of relational trauma,
neglect, or misattunedcaregivers, their nervous system
may associate prolonged eyecontact with threat rather than
connection.
(10:50):
So again, when making eyecontact, the brain is processing
microexpressions, emotionalcues, and relational safety
signals at an unconscious level.
And if the nervous systemperceives these signals as
overwhelming, It may trigger oneof these defensive responses.
(11:11):
So I just.
want to explain what may behappening in your body if a
defensive response has beentriggered.
So, if a sympathetic activation,fight or flight, has been
triggered, so the body will gearup to either defend or escape.
So the eye contact may feelintense, overstimulating, or
(11:34):
even confrontational.
And some people will dart theireyes away or get really fidgety.
Others may feel like their heartraces or their body tenses.
So the next example is, um,freeze or dorsal vagal shutdown.
So the body may go into like aprotective numbness, and eye
(11:59):
contact may feel like it drainsenergy, or creates a sense of
the urge to want to disappear.
The person might dissociate orfeel checked out.
So, a history of neglect oravoidance based attachment can
definitely contribute to this.
And then there is an appeaseresponse or fawn response.
(12:21):
So eye contact is maintained,but it feels performative rather
than genuine.
So the person may be hyperfocused on reading the other's
emotions to avoid conflict.
And this is common with peoplewith anxious attachment who
learn to prioritize othersfeelings over their own.
(12:43):
And as infants, we learn aboutconnection and safety through
eye contact with our caregivers.
As I mentioned earlier, if thecaregiver was attuned, eye
contact felt soothing andregulating.
But if a caregiver wasemotionally unavailable,
intrusive, or misattuned, eyecontact might have felt
overwhelming, inconsistent, oreven threatening.
(13:07):
So, a lot of information there,but let's It might be nice just
to go into a few gentlepractices to help develop this
skill in receiving andtransmitting eye contact.
So for those of you who strugglewith eye contact, gradual
exposure and nervous system coregulation can help.
(13:29):
So one of the ways we can dothis is by trying out a soft
gaze before a direct gaze.
So this just means you'relooking near someone's eyes, but
not directly into them.
Perhaps you're looking at theirnose.
Um, yeah, mostly their nose orsome other area of their face
(13:50):
with a soft gaze without.
looking directly into theireyes.
So you can definitely practicethis with friends and loved
ones.
And then also, taking breaks.
So blinking naturally andbreaking gaze when needed.
So instead of forcing prolongedeye contact you can just take
(14:11):
breaks when you need, look away.
And as I mentioned, practicingwith safe trusted people before
extending to more challenginginteractions.
And you can practice lookinginto the mirror, into your own
kind eyes.
So the best way to do this is toevoke some compassion or
(14:36):
kindness for yourself first, andthen just look into your own
eyes in the mirror.
And another thing that we canhelp, that can help with this is
we call this Explore,exploratory orienting.
So this is just looking aroundyour environment.
(14:58):
So you're consciously doingthis.
You're just letting your eyeslook around your environment and
really just taking it in,noticing what you notice.
And we've done this multipletimes on, on the podcast.
This is good to do just anywhereyou go.
It gives your body a sense of,of feeling safe, relative safe,
(15:21):
safety, when you can kind ofjust observe whatever space
you're, you're in.
Hmm.
So, let's chat a bit about theeyes, jaw, and pelvis and how
they're interconnected.
(15:41):
So these three spots are deeplyinterconnected in relational
healing because they're allpretty big areas where we store
attention, expression, andsurvival responses in the body.
So they reflect our ability toconnect, express, and receive.
which are three essentialaspects of attachment and
(16:04):
intimacy.
When we work with relationalwounds, we often find that the
way we hold tension in one ofthese areas influences the
others.
So understanding this connectioncan help us to release old
patterns and move more towardsembodied, secure relationships.
(16:24):
So let's talk about this for aminute.
The eyes we've talked about, butI'm just going to mention that
they are our first socialengagement tool.
Through eye contact, we canregulate with others, seek
reassurance, and expressemotions.
And when the eyes soften, Thejaw is one of the main places we
(16:51):
suppress emotion and expression,especially if we had to silence
our needs in earlyrelationships.
It's also directly connected tothe pelvis through fascial and
neurological pathways.
So since the jaw and pelvis areconnected through deep front
fascial lines, a tense jaw oftencorresponds with a tight pelvis.
(17:14):
So many people who experienceshame, fear of receiving love or
emotional repression will have arigid jaw and difficulty
softening their pelvic floor.
So moving or pelvic bowl,however you want to refer to
that as.
So the pelvis receivinggrounding and intimacy, the
(17:37):
pelvis is a sacred center.
It is our center of safety,pleasure, and relational
openness.
It's where we experience trust,surrender, and deep connection
with ourselves and others.
If we have attachment wounds ortrauma, the pelvis often
(17:58):
contracts to protect us.
And again, since the jaw andpelvis mirror each other,
releasing tension in one cansoften the other.
Many people find that when theyrelax their jaw and allow their
breath to deepen, their pelvisalso begins to soften and vice
versa.
(18:20):
Then, when we gently work withall three, We can create this
pathway towards embodiedrelational healing where we feel
safe to be seen in the eyes,heard in the jaw, and received
in the pelvis.
So moving into this nextpractice.
(18:44):
So this is something that youcan try with a partner.
a trusted friend, or even in atherapy session with a therapist
that you feel safe and attunedto.
So just be aware that there canbe an emotional response when
working with these areas of thebody.
So just tune in beforepracticing and make sure it's
(19:06):
with someone that you feel atrusted connection with.
And this does not have to be along practice either, and you
can split it into manageablechunks.
So many people carry unconscioustension in their pelvic bowl due
to stress, trauma, or habitualbracing.
So we're just going to firstwork with softening this area,
(19:31):
even if ever so slightly, andthen we'll move forward.
So, it's really important totake your time with this one and
you can pause and come back tothis practice at any time.
So, there you are, sitting therewith your trusted person across
(19:53):
from each other.
And together, you're going torelax your pelvic bowl.
So, one really effective way todo this, and I just want to
mention, you can also practicethis on your own first.
It doesn't necessarily have tobe partnered, only for the eye
(20:15):
gazing session.
And even for that, you couldpractice just doing that in a
mirror.
So if you do have a trustedperson or a therapist and you're
willing to give this a try,we're just going to start by
relaxing your pelvic bowl.
So one really effective way todo this is just to let out a
sigh.
So just taking a breath in andreally just allowing that sigh
(20:44):
to sink all the way down intoyour seat.
So if you're sitting, you'rejust really feeling that sigh go
all the way down, feeling yourbum resting on whatever it's
resting on.
Just feel free to even just dothat a few times.
If you need to close your eyesgently, the invitation is there.
(21:10):
Now, another way.
is just to really gently rockyour pelvis back and forth a few
times.
Again, just enough so thatyou're feeling the connection
with your chair.
And as we do, just do a littlecheck in.
That might be it for today.
(21:31):
Just feeling the presence ofsomeone relaxing their pelvis in
your presence.
Just noticing that and sittingwith that.
But if you'd like to keep going,we can move forward into step
two.
So now we're just going tosoften our tongues.
(21:53):
So allowing the tongue to rest,which also helps to soften the
jaw.
How do we do this?
So we soften the tongue byallowing it to drop from the
roof of your mouth and allowingit to rest gently at the bottom.
So if it helps, maybe even justimagine it spreading out like a
(22:14):
warm, heavy cloth, softening atthe base.
And then you're just letting thetip of your tongue gently touch.
Your bottom teeth.
Just notice how that feels.
If you'd like, you can even justgently massage, massage your jaw
(22:39):
with your fingers, and justnotice how it feels to have a
soft tongue allowing the tongueto rest.
And again, the invitation isalways to pause, check in to see
where are you right now, and doyou want to move into the actual
(23:03):
eye gaze?
And the answer may be no today,it may be yes, it may be just
not right now.
And if so, we want to honorthat.
And how might your no show up?
It could show up as feelingspacey, disconnected, or a
(23:25):
little bit constricted.
Maybe it feels like you want tobolt to the door or maybe it's
just an overall feeling likethis is too much right now.
Just notice that and honor it.
And if you're still here, we canmove together to the next step.
(23:47):
So now we're just going to shiftour attention to the eyes.
and relax them.
How you might want to do this isinstead of staring at a fixed
point, just allow your awarenessto expand to the edges of your
visual field.
(24:09):
So just allowing your eyes totake in your peripheral as well
as what's in front of you.
So imagine seeing the wholeroom, rather than just focusing
on one spot.
So this will naturally activatea parasympathetic response.
(24:31):
When we think of a soft gaze,think about how your eyes feel
when you're gazing at a sunset,looking at a fire out a window
while lost in thought.
And again, just pause and noticewhat's going on in your body
right now.
(24:56):
And if you're willing and readyto move forward, the next step
of this is to set the intentionof receiving one another.
So as you do this, you're justpreparing for that.
And when you decide to meeteyes, see if you can Receive the
(25:22):
person in front of you into thebacks of your eyeballs, so
you're just really kind ofsoftly looking at them, taking
them in, and then just drawingyour attention towards the backs
of your eyeballs.
And again, you may want to juststop there if this feels good,
(25:47):
meaning you still feel presentand not overwhelmed.
Then you can proceed to the nextsteps.
So once you've received thisperson in front of you into the
backs of your eyeballs.
Then continue to noticereceiving, this receiving of
(26:11):
this person in front of you,allow it to pass over your soft
tongue.
So again, you may not get thisright away.
You might be thinking, what thehell is Linz talking about right
now?
So you're just taking thisperson in and you're allowing
(26:34):
this gaze to move Through you,so it's passing through the
backs of your eyeballs.
It's moving across your tongue.
Now you're just going tocontinue to take it in down your
throat, through your belly, andfinally down through your soft
(27:05):
pelvic floor.
And again, each time you dothis, you might just want to
stop at each one and really justpace yourself.
So, for today, you may havestopped at the back of your
eyeballs, that was enough,you're like, alright, that was a
lot of, of receiving.
(27:27):
Next time, you may want to playaround with allowing that person
in front of you to really comein past the back of your
eyeballs and past over yourtongue.
And then the next it might bethrough your throat, the next
(27:48):
through your belly, and finallydown through your pelvic floor.
And with each step, you're justgoing to notice what it's like
to be received and witnessed inthis way.
Knowing that all the while youhave choice, and that right now
(28:11):
in this moment you have relativesafety.
And again, just as a reminder,there can be some emotions that
come to the surface, which iswhy really pacing yourself with
this exercise is going to be thekey to this, to the success of
(28:35):
this.
Moving forward in a way thatfeels comfortable and connective
for you.
And every small step towardsfeeling more comfortable with
being seen is a step towardsdeeper connection.
So just check in.
(28:55):
How was that for you?
And if you didn't do thepractice today, how is it for
you to even think about doingthis practice?
What comes alive inside of you?
(29:17):
So as per usual, I wanted tosign off with some beautiful
words about eyes.
Just a few, just a few words.
Your eyes stole all my wordsaway.
It's in the eyes, always theeyes.
(29:43):
When there are no words, letyour eyes do the talking.
Eye contact isn't just a socialthing.
It's a relational experience.
And the more we understand ournervous system's response to it,
the more we can navigateconnection with ease and
(30:05):
authenticity.
So the next time you findyourself locking eyes or gazing
at someone, whether it's afriend, a partner, or the
barista handing you your coffee,see if you can just pause,
breathe, notice what arises, andmaybe, just maybe over time,
(30:30):
soften.
into the moment of truly beingseen.
Well friends, that's all I havefor you today.
Until next time, take care andkeep gazing softly into the
world.
Bye for now.
(30:53):
As always, thank you so much forlistening.
Life is busy.
So it means even more thatyou're carving out time in your
day to be here.
Listen, we've got so many greatepisodes coming up, so please
make sure you subscribe tofollow along on Apple podcasts
or Spotify.
And for those of you who like towatch your podcasts, we are now
(31:14):
uploading them to YouTube.
And if you appreciate theseepisodes, please do us a favor
and leave a rating or a reviewand share it with anyone you
think could benefit.
See you again next Wednesday.
outro music
Greetings, my friends, and welcome to another episode of
Healed, Now What?, a podcastwhere we discuss life,
relationships, connection, andtrauma through the lens of
somatic and attachmentpsychology, nervous system
health, relationships, and selfdiscovery.
I'm Lisa Dawn, and I'm on amission to teach people how to
(00:23):
transform their deepest woundsinto their greatest strengths by
first transforming therelationship they have with
themselves.
So whether you've had trauma,years of failed partnerships, or
just want a better relationshipwith your body, I've got you
covered.
I am a Somatic ExperiencingPractitioner, Educator,
(00:44):
Relationship Mentor, and TraumaSurvivor.
With a lifetime of experiencehelping not only myself, but
countless others transform theirlives by learning how to become
the fullest versions ofthemselves.
We do this through selfawareness, connecting with their
bodies and changing the way theyperceive themselves and others.
(01:06):
I have coached innumerous peoplehow to heal their wounds and
create lasting change so theycan live a more joyous,
passionate and fulfilling life.
Thank you so much for tuning inand enjoy the show.
Hey guys, Lisa Dawn here.
(01:35):
Welcome back.
How's everyone doing today?
I am feeling spring is in theair.
It is a slushy and poopy mess,um, out where I am on an acreage
in Alberta.
(01:55):
We have five dogs.
that live on the property and soas the melt as the snow is
melting we're getting a sense ofHow much they've been doing
their business all winter long.
So I'm not mad about it though.
I'm just thankful for the warmertemperatures But I digress today
(02:16):
We are talking about eye contactYep, that thing that can feel
like an open invitation toconnection or a direct
confrontation with your ownsoul.
Now, as a recovering avoidantattacher, I remember a time when
(02:36):
eye contact was actuallyincredibly difficult for me.
Even if I were just walking downthe street and someone was
walking towards me, I justcouldn't help but look down and
away.
And I would avoid that kind ofeye contact at all costs.
Even just the mere idea of eyecontact, no thanks.
(02:59):
Then came my first experiencewith eye gazing in a sharing
circle with strangers.
In just 60 seconds.
But it felt like forever.
I remember feeling like my bodywanted to escape, my emotions
surged, there were tears, and itwas a pretty intense experience
(03:20):
for most of us there that day.
So why is eye contact sopowerful?
Why do some of us avoid it whileothers crave it?
And what does it reveal aboutour attachment patterns and
nervous system?
That's what we're unpackingtoday through a somatic and
attachment based lens.
(03:41):
We'll dive into the connectionbetween the eyes, jaw, and
pelvis and how one can informthe others.
And we'll also try someexercises to make eye contact
feel safer and more natural.
So let's get into it.
Eyes have long been called thewindows to the soul.
But they're also portals,gateways to potential connection
(04:07):
and deep intimacy.
When we truly look intoanother's eyes, beyond the
social masks and reflexivedefenses, we glimpse something
raw and unguarded.
And our nervous system respondsinstinctively.
Pupils will dilate, our breathcan shift, micro expressions
(04:30):
flicker.
And a simple, prolonged gaze canevoke safety, desire, or even
terror, depending on therelational imprints we carry.
For those with attachmentwounds, eye contact can be or
feel like a battleground.
So avoidant folks, like myself,may struggle to sustain it,
(04:55):
fearing exposure.
While anxious types may seek itdesperately, needing
reassurance.
While securely attachedindividuals, on the other hand,
rest.
In the natural rhythm of eyecontact, meeting, softening,
looking away, and returning withease.
And then folks that have a moredisorganized system may struggle
(05:21):
to sustain it while seeking itdesperately.
So it's like this push and pullbetween the two.
And in somatic and attachmenthealing, eyes can be an entry
point.
The way someone meets or avoidsgaze can reveal old survival
strategies.
And this was the case for me, Ijust didn't know it at the time.
(05:43):
So learning how to hold eyecontact in a grounded way can
begin to rewire the way that weperceive threat.
We can rewire the nervoussystem, building tolerance for
connection and intimacy.
And eyes are not just receivers,they're transmitters.
(06:05):
They hold the full spectrum ofhuman experience.
So love, grief, longing,recognition.
To be truly seen withoutpretense or performance is one
of the most profound experiencesof human existence.
Man, eyes are so hardcore.
(06:25):
So speaking of which, speakingof eyes as both receivers and
transmitters, It's this unbrokencircuit of energy, emotion, and
perception.
So they don't just take in theworld, they shape it, they
communicate within it.
and even influence how othersrespond.
(06:49):
So let's talk about eyes asreceivers a little bit.
Our eyes are the firststorytellers of our nervous
system, constantly scanning theenvironment for cues of safety
or threat.
Before we process words, beforewe even consciously register
what we're seeing, our eyesabsorb the microexpressions,
(07:10):
body language, and emotionalcharge of those around us.
So it's kind of like thisperception beyond vision.
So eyes don't just see, theyfeel.
They can register sadness insomeone's face before their
voice cracks, the unspokenlonging in a glance, the subtle
(07:31):
shifts of dilation and movementthat can signal trust, fear, or
excitement.
They can show us mirroring andattunement in deep connection,
our eyes synchronize withinothers.
Our pupils dilate in response toattraction, our expressions
soften in resonance with warmth,and babies seek out eye contact
(07:54):
to regulate their nervoussystem.
And as adults, we instinctivelydo the same.
And we can receive healingthrough receiving.
We can allow ourselves to trulysee and be seen.
We can open to repair.
Receiving a loving gaze,especially if we've historically
(08:16):
been met with disinterest oravoidance, can really help
reshape our internal sense ofworth and belonging.
So now let's talk about eyes astransmitters.
So while the eyes receive theyalso give and every glance we
offer can carry an intention andemotion and energy Revealing
(08:38):
more than words ever could sothey can be a form of unfiltered
truth Even when we try andconceal our emotion our eyes can
betray us They reveal longing ina moment of restraint excitement
behind feigned indifferencevulnerability In the pause
(09:00):
between blinks, they can beinvitations and boundaries.
A lingering gaze can be aninvitation into intimacy,
curiosity, or shared experience.
Averted eyes can signaldiscomfort, shyness, or the need
for space.
Our eyes can communicate ouravailability or lack thereof to
(09:22):
the world.
And there's a form of energetictransmission.
Just as eyes can receive careand attunement, they can offer
it.
A soft gaze can soothe.
A focused stare can challenge.
A playful glimmer can igniteconnection.
In moments of true presence,eyes become a direct channel for
(09:45):
love, reassurance, and eventransformation.
So there's this dance of seeingand being seen.
And true intimacy lies in thebalance between receiving and
transmitting.
Between looking with curiosityand allowing ourselves to be
witnessed.
To hold someone's gaze withoutpretense, without defense, is to
(10:08):
stand at the edge of profoundconnection.
And eye contact is regulated bythe social engagement system.
which is a function of theventral vagal branch of the
parasympathetic nervous system.
So this system helps us toconnect with others through
(10:29):
facial expressions, vocal tone,and eye contact.
And again, If someone has ahistory of relational trauma,
neglect, or misattunedcaregivers, their nervous system
may associate prolonged eyecontact with threat rather than
connection.
(10:50):
So again, when making eyecontact, the brain is processing
microexpressions, emotionalcues, and relational safety
signals at an unconscious level.
And if the nervous systemperceives these signals as
overwhelming, It may trigger oneof these defensive responses.
(11:11):
So I just.
want to explain what may behappening in your body if a
defensive response has beentriggered.
So, if a sympathetic activation,fight or flight, has been
triggered, so the body will gearup to either defend or escape.
So the eye contact may feelintense, overstimulating, or
(11:34):
even confrontational.
And some people will dart theireyes away or get really fidgety.
Others may feel like their heartraces or their body tenses.
So the next example is, um,freeze or dorsal vagal shutdown.
So the body may go into like aprotective numbness, and eye
(11:59):
contact may feel like it drainsenergy, or creates a sense of
the urge to want to disappear.
The person might dissociate orfeel checked out.
So, a history of neglect oravoidance based attachment can
definitely contribute to this.
And then there is an appeaseresponse or fawn response.
(12:21):
So eye contact is maintained,but it feels performative rather
than genuine.
So the person may be hyperfocused on reading the other's
emotions to avoid conflict.
And this is common with peoplewith anxious attachment who
learn to prioritize othersfeelings over their own.
(12:43):
And as infants, we learn aboutconnection and safety through
eye contact with our caregivers.
As I mentioned earlier, if thecaregiver was attuned, eye
contact felt soothing andregulating.
But if a caregiver wasemotionally unavailable,
intrusive, or misattuned, eyecontact might have felt
overwhelming, inconsistent, oreven threatening.
(13:07):
So, a lot of information there,but let's It might be nice just
to go into a few gentlepractices to help develop this
skill in receiving andtransmitting eye contact.
So for those of you who strugglewith eye contact, gradual
exposure and nervous system coregulation can help.
(13:29):
So one of the ways we can dothis is by trying out a soft
gaze before a direct gaze.
So this just means you'relooking near someone's eyes, but
not directly into them.
Perhaps you're looking at theirnose.
Um, yeah, mostly their nose orsome other area of their face
(13:50):
with a soft gaze without.
looking directly into theireyes.
So you can definitely practicethis with friends and loved
ones.
And then also, taking breaks.
So blinking naturally andbreaking gaze when needed.
So instead of forcing prolongedeye contact you can just take
(14:11):
breaks when you need, look away.
And as I mentioned, practicingwith safe trusted people before
extending to more challenginginteractions.
And you can practice lookinginto the mirror, into your own
kind eyes.
So the best way to do this is toevoke some compassion or
(14:36):
kindness for yourself first, andthen just look into your own
eyes in the mirror.
And another thing that we canhelp, that can help with this is
we call this Explore,exploratory orienting.
So this is just looking aroundyour environment.
(14:58):
So you're consciously doingthis.
You're just letting your eyeslook around your environment and
really just taking it in,noticing what you notice.
And we've done this multipletimes on, on the podcast.
This is good to do just anywhereyou go.
It gives your body a sense of,of feeling safe, relative safe,
(15:21):
safety, when you can kind ofjust observe whatever space
you're, you're in.
Hmm.
So, let's chat a bit about theeyes, jaw, and pelvis and how
they're interconnected.
(15:41):
So these three spots are deeplyinterconnected in relational
healing because they're allpretty big areas where we store
attention, expression, andsurvival responses in the body.
So they reflect our ability toconnect, express, and receive.
which are three essentialaspects of attachment and
(16:04):
intimacy.
When we work with relationalwounds, we often find that the
way we hold tension in one ofthese areas influences the
others.
So understanding this connectioncan help us to release old
patterns and move more towardsembodied, secure relationships.
(16:24):
So let's talk about this for aminute.
The eyes we've talked about, butI'm just going to mention that
they are our first socialengagement tool.
Through eye contact, we canregulate with others, seek
reassurance, and expressemotions.
And when the eyes soften, Thejaw is one of the main places we
(16:51):
suppress emotion and expression,especially if we had to silence
our needs in earlyrelationships.
It's also directly connected tothe pelvis through fascial and
neurological pathways.
So since the jaw and pelvis areconnected through deep front
fascial lines, a tense jaw oftencorresponds with a tight pelvis.
(17:14):
So many people who experienceshame, fear of receiving love or
emotional repression will have arigid jaw and difficulty
softening their pelvic floor.
So moving or pelvic bowl,however you want to refer to
that as.
So the pelvis receivinggrounding and intimacy, the
(17:37):
pelvis is a sacred center.
It is our center of safety,pleasure, and relational
openness.
It's where we experience trust,surrender, and deep connection
with ourselves and others.
If we have attachment wounds ortrauma, the pelvis often
(17:58):
contracts to protect us.
And again, since the jaw andpelvis mirror each other,
releasing tension in one cansoften the other.
Many people find that when theyrelax their jaw and allow their
breath to deepen, their pelvisalso begins to soften and vice
versa.
(18:20):
Then, when we gently work withall three, We can create this
pathway towards embodiedrelational healing where we feel
safe to be seen in the eyes,heard in the jaw, and received
in the pelvis.
So moving into this nextpractice.
(18:44):
So this is something that youcan try with a partner.
a trusted friend, or even in atherapy session with a therapist
that you feel safe and attunedto.
So just be aware that there canbe an emotional response when
working with these areas of thebody.
So just tune in beforepracticing and make sure it's
(19:06):
with someone that you feel atrusted connection with.
And this does not have to be along practice either, and you
can split it into manageablechunks.
So many people carry unconscioustension in their pelvic bowl due
to stress, trauma, or habitualbracing.
So we're just going to firstwork with softening this area,
(19:31):
even if ever so slightly, andthen we'll move forward.
So, it's really important totake your time with this one and
you can pause and come back tothis practice at any time.
So, there you are, sitting therewith your trusted person across
(19:53):
from each other.
And together, you're going torelax your pelvic bowl.
So, one really effective way todo this, and I just want to
mention, you can also practicethis on your own first.
It doesn't necessarily have tobe partnered, only for the eye
(20:15):
gazing session.
And even for that, you couldpractice just doing that in a
mirror.
So if you do have a trustedperson or a therapist and you're
willing to give this a try,we're just going to start by
relaxing your pelvic bowl.
So one really effective way todo this is just to let out a
sigh.
So just taking a breath in andreally just allowing that sigh
(20:44):
to sink all the way down intoyour seat.
So if you're sitting, you'rejust really feeling that sigh go
all the way down, feeling yourbum resting on whatever it's
resting on.
Just feel free to even just dothat a few times.
If you need to close your eyesgently, the invitation is there.
(21:10):
Now, another way.
is just to really gently rockyour pelvis back and forth a few
times.
Again, just enough so thatyou're feeling the connection
with your chair.
And as we do, just do a littlecheck in.
That might be it for today.
(21:31):
Just feeling the presence ofsomeone relaxing their pelvis in
your presence.
Just noticing that and sittingwith that.
But if you'd like to keep going,we can move forward into step
two.
So now we're just going tosoften our tongues.
(21:53):
So allowing the tongue to rest,which also helps to soften the
jaw.
How do we do this?
So we soften the tongue byallowing it to drop from the
roof of your mouth and allowingit to rest gently at the bottom.
So if it helps, maybe even justimagine it spreading out like a
(22:14):
warm, heavy cloth, softening atthe base.
And then you're just letting thetip of your tongue gently touch.
Your bottom teeth.
Just notice how that feels.
If you'd like, you can even justgently massage, massage your jaw
(22:39):
with your fingers, and justnotice how it feels to have a
soft tongue allowing the tongueto rest.
And again, the invitation isalways to pause, check in to see
where are you right now, and doyou want to move into the actual
(23:03):
eye gaze?
And the answer may be no today,it may be yes, it may be just
not right now.
And if so, we want to honorthat.
And how might your no show up?
It could show up as feelingspacey, disconnected, or a
(23:25):
little bit constricted.
Maybe it feels like you want tobolt to the door or maybe it's
just an overall feeling likethis is too much right now.
Just notice that and honor it.
And if you're still here, we canmove together to the next step.
(23:47):
So now we're just going to shiftour attention to the eyes.
and relax them.
How you might want to do this isinstead of staring at a fixed
point, just allow your awarenessto expand to the edges of your
visual field.
(24:09):
So just allowing your eyes totake in your peripheral as well
as what's in front of you.
So imagine seeing the wholeroom, rather than just focusing
on one spot.
So this will naturally activatea parasympathetic response.
(24:31):
When we think of a soft gaze,think about how your eyes feel
when you're gazing at a sunset,looking at a fire out a window
while lost in thought.
And again, just pause and noticewhat's going on in your body
right now.
(24:56):
And if you're willing and readyto move forward, the next step
of this is to set the intentionof receiving one another.
So as you do this, you're justpreparing for that.
And when you decide to meeteyes, see if you can Receive the
(25:22):
person in front of you into thebacks of your eyeballs, so
you're just really kind ofsoftly looking at them, taking
them in, and then just drawingyour attention towards the backs
of your eyeballs.
And again, you may want to juststop there if this feels good,
(25:47):
meaning you still feel presentand not overwhelmed.
Then you can proceed to the nextsteps.
So once you've received thisperson in front of you into the
backs of your eyeballs.
Then continue to noticereceiving, this receiving of
(26:11):
this person in front of you,allow it to pass over your soft
tongue.
So again, you may not get thisright away.
You might be thinking, what thehell is Linz talking about right
now?
So you're just taking thisperson in and you're allowing
(26:34):
this gaze to move Through you,so it's passing through the
backs of your eyeballs.
It's moving across your tongue.
Now you're just going tocontinue to take it in down your
throat, through your belly, andfinally down through your soft
(27:05):
pelvic floor.
And again, each time you dothis, you might just want to
stop at each one and really justpace yourself.
So, for today, you may havestopped at the back of your
eyeballs, that was enough,you're like, alright, that was a
lot of, of receiving.
(27:27):
Next time, you may want to playaround with allowing that person
in front of you to really comein past the back of your
eyeballs and past over yourtongue.
And then the next it might bethrough your throat, the next
(27:48):
through your belly, and finallydown through your pelvic floor.
And with each step, you're justgoing to notice what it's like
to be received and witnessed inthis way.
Knowing that all the while youhave choice, and that right now
(28:11):
in this moment you have relativesafety.
And again, just as a reminder,there can be some emotions that
come to the surface, which iswhy really pacing yourself with
this exercise is going to be thekey to this, to the success of
(28:35):
this.
Moving forward in a way thatfeels comfortable and connective
for you.
And every small step towardsfeeling more comfortable with
being seen is a step towardsdeeper connection.
So just check in.
(28:55):
How was that for you?
And if you didn't do thepractice today, how is it for
you to even think about doingthis practice?
What comes alive inside of you?
(29:17):
So as per usual, I wanted tosign off with some beautiful
words about eyes.
Just a few, just a few words.
Your eyes stole all my wordsaway.
It's in the eyes, always theeyes.
(29:43):
When there are no words, letyour eyes do the talking.
Eye contact isn't just a socialthing.
It's a relational experience.
And the more we understand ournervous system's response to it,
the more we can navigateconnection with ease and
(30:05):
authenticity.
So the next time you findyourself locking eyes or gazing
at someone, whether it's afriend, a partner, or the
barista handing you your coffee,see if you can just pause,
breathe, notice what arises, andmaybe, just maybe over time,
(30:30):
soften.
into the moment of truly beingseen.
Well friends, that's all I havefor you today.
Until next time, take care andkeep gazing softly into the
world.
Bye for now.
(30:53):
As always, thank you so much forlistening.
Life is busy.
So it means even more thatyou're carving out time in your
day to be here.
Listen, we've got so many greatepisodes coming up, so please
make sure you subscribe tofollow along on Apple podcasts
or Spotify.
And for those of you who like towatch your podcasts, we are now
(31:14):
uploading them to YouTube.
And if you appreciate theseepisodes, please do us a favor
and leave a rating or a reviewand share it with anyone you
think could benefit.
See you again next Wednesday.
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