April 2, 2025 • 14 mins
Building Emotional Safety in Relationships: Compatibility Tests & Internal Security
In this episode, Lisa discusses the concept of emotional safety within relationships and offers practical tips to assess partner compatibility early on. She introduces simple, revealing tests like the 'cold and flu test,' 'stress test,' and 'road trip test' to help identify supportive and present partners.
Lisa also emphasizes the importance of internal emotional safety, sharing techniques for creating a secure sense of self through safe places, people, memories, and sensations. Gain insights into effective communication, conflict management, accountability, and how to build a solid emotional foundation for healthier, more secure relationships.
00:00 Introduction and Overview
00:55 Compatibility Tests for Emotional Safety
03:31 Signs of Emotional Safety in Relationships
05:50 Building Internal Emotional Safety
07:11 Practical Exercises for Emotional Safety
12:50 Conclusion and Final Thoughts
14:00 Podcast Announcements and Farewell
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Lisa (00:10):
Hey guys.
Lisa Dawn here.
Welcome back to the show.
Today we're gonna talk aboutemotional safety, specifically,
how to know if your partner hasyour back and how compatible you
may or may not be early on,because let's be real, when we
first meet someone, we tend tohave those rows.
Colored glasses on and we canmiss some pretty important
(00:33):
compatibility signals.
When things get tough or ifthere's a conflict, will your
partner be there for you in thatmoment.
We're also gonna talk aboutbuilding emotional safety within
when relationships feeloverwhelming and unsafe.
So thanks for being here withme.
(00:55):
So let's start out with somecompatibility tests.
So let's say you're dating, andmaybe it's been a few months or
longer.
Now let's also assume therehasn't been any major betrayal.
You trust your person, butyou're wondering, do we really
(01:15):
have emotional safety together?
Are, do we share the samevalues?
So instead of waiting for a lifealtering crisis to find out, we
can run some tiny compatibilitytests, not in a sneaky,
manipulative way, but in a,let's see how we actually
(01:37):
function together kind of way.
Number one, the cold and flutest.
I love this one because nothingreveals a person's true nature,
like getting sick.
Now, when that happens, doesyour partner bring you soup and
(01:58):
check in on you?
Are they kind to you or do theydisappear until you're healthy
again?
So just little things to note.
Number two.
The stress test when you need tovent.
It could be about anything aboutwork, your kids, or just life.
(02:21):
Do they listen and support youor are they immediately
distracted and maybeoccasionally mumbling, or you
notice that they're really notpaying attention at all?
Number three.
The road trip test also lovethis one.
(02:42):
This is like the ultimateemotional crash course.
So how do you guys handledirections and navigation
together?
What about music choices?
Are they able to be patient whenyou're hangry, or do they act
(03:03):
like you've personally ruinedtheir day?
Now, these may seem small andinsignificant, but these little
experiences tell us so muchabout the other person.
And remember, a good partnerisn't perfect, but most of the
time they're present.
They make you feel like youmatter, they communicate, and
(03:25):
most importantly, they don't actlike your humanity is an
inconvenience.
So let's continue on with somemore signs of emotional safety.
Here's what we're looking for,communication.
Are they able to listen withoutimmediately turning the
conversation back to themselves?
(03:48):
Do they ask thoughtful questionsinstead of just waiting for
their turn to talk?
There's a huge difference there.
The next one is humor.
Can they joke with you withoutbeing mean?
Are they able to laugh atthemselves?
Can they dish it out but nottake it?
(04:10):
And this next one is hugeconflict conversations.
So if you wanna talk aboutsomething important, like what
respect means to them or whatthey fought about in past
relationships, do they engage ordo they shut down?
Learning how to manage conflictis ultimately going to determine
(04:32):
whether a relationship thrivesor dies.
And having these types ofconversations early on can
really let us know where thepotential is for growth within
the relationship.
And the next one isaccountability.
(04:52):
When they mess up, because weall do.
Are they able to own it or arethey constantly blaming you or
something else and never able totake accountability?
And again, people aren'tperfect, but we wanna know that
(05:13):
we're with someone where growthis important and if your partner
never reflects on their actionsor tries to improve.
It's like being in a car with nosteering wheel.
Good luck getting anywhere.
And a secure relationship meansyou can express your feelings
(05:34):
without fearing rejection.
You feel like an equal, not anafterthought or an accessory,
and your are celebrated, not metwith jealousy or indifference.
Just wanted to add those inthere.
And here's the thing, emotionalsafety also starts with you.
(05:56):
You've gotta check in withyourself, understand your
feelings, and express them.
It's about connection, and ifsomeone truly values you, they
will want to meet you there.
They will make an effort to meetyou there.
Now if you've had trauma,especially relational trauma, or
(06:19):
you've never really known how toconnect to your body or to your
emotions, building emotionalsafety externally will probably
feel overwhelming, but you canstill take small steps in that
direction.
But let's talk about creatinginternal safety while navigating
relationships first.
(06:41):
It's important to understandthat perceived danger is
different from actual danger.
Sometimes our nervous systemreacts to past wounds rather
than the present moment.
And if you constantly feelexhausted, overwhelmed, and full
of anxiety in relationships,these tips then I'm about to
share will be so beneficial foryou.
(07:04):
Here are a few ways to buildthat felt sense of safety.
So number one, and it would behelpful to even just journal
about these things I'm about toshare with you.
Take a few moments when you can,and again, if you can't do that
right now, just bookmark thisand come back to you to it when
(07:26):
you have some time.
This is gonna become a prettysolid resource for you in times
of need and in times that youneed a reminder of how to feel
safe within yourself, how tobuild that, that emotional
safety.
So number one is just listingout some safe places.
(07:50):
So this could be anywhere itidentify places where you feel.
Secure where you feel good.
And these could be real orimagined.
It could be as simple as yourbed.
I know I love my bed.
I feel super safe there.
(08:11):
The beach, it could be afavorite coffee shop or even a
cozy corner of your home.
And when you're doing theseexercises, after each one just
kind of describe in detail.
Why you feel safe there, and asyou do, just check in with your
(08:32):
body and see how you identifyfeeling good or safe within.
So the next one is safe people.
So who makes you feel fullyaccepted as you are?
This could be a real person, aremembered person, or even a
(08:54):
divine presence that gives youcomfort.
For example, mine are my hubby,my dog, and some dear close knit
friends.
Really just spend some timewriting out one by one why these
folks are your people.
(09:14):
I.
What brings you comfort aboutthem and get as detailed as you
can.
The next one is safe music.
What music calms your nervoussystem?
I.
What music just feels so good tolisten to?
For me, currently it's DianaRoss, and strangely enough,
(09:38):
Randy Travis.
Very interesting.
Last year it was all abouthozier, so just take a note.
What are some of the tunes thatjust make you feel so good?
The next one is safe memories.
(10:01):
Recalling times when you feltpowerful, joyful, or at ease.
One of my most fondest memoriesis watching.
A sunrise on a beach in NewZealand, feeling the sand
beneath my toes, sitting on mytowel, taking in the ocean,
(10:24):
watching the waves.
Another one is making pierogiwith my grandma.
The smell of good food, the feelof roll, the rolling pin in my
hands just brings me.
A sense of peace.
So these could be big memoriesor smaller ones that just feel
really nice for you to thinkabout.
(10:48):
And the next one is safesensations.
I.
So what textures, s sense andtaste make you feel grounded and
good?
I love a good citrus, soanything lemon or orange, maybe
it's the smell of lilacs for youor the feeling of a favorite
(11:09):
sweater or sipping a warm cup oftea.
And again, as you list thesethings and go into as much
detail as possible, just take amoment and see how you're
feeling in your body.
(11:30):
See if you're feeling more calm,more relaxed, more happy.
I know even when I'm justthinking about some of my safe
places or memories, I feel asense of joy just bubbling up
within me.
Like I have more access to justsettling in and a smile lights
up my face.
(11:54):
Those are some real simple onesthat you can begin to do to
accumulate this sense of feelingat home within yourself.
And another real quick one is,is Strength and accomplishment
journal.
And this is just simply listingwhat you're skilled at, what
(12:18):
you've survived, and what you'reproud of.
This can be your go-to resourcewhen self-doubt creeps in and it
does.
Building emotional safety isabout creating a foundation
where you and your partner cannavigate life's inevitable
(12:39):
challenges together, and thatrequires both people taking re
responsibility for their side ofthe fence.
So my friends, this was a shortone, but the takeaway here is.
Emotional safety is about howyou feel in a relationship, not
(13:00):
just what someone says.
If your partner consistentlyshows up, listens and makes an
effort, congrats, you're in apretty solid place.
And if you're doing the same foryourself, amazing.
This is how you can hold spacefor yourself and for other
people.
And if not, don't ignore thatgut feeling.
(13:21):
You deserve relationships thatfeel like a warm hug, not an
emotional obstacle course.
And if you're currently workingon building internal safety,
know that it's possible.
Small steps like tuning intosafe memories or sensory
experiences can make a world ofdifference in retraining your
(13:42):
nervous system.
So as always, thank you forhanging out today.
And remind yourself you areworthy of safe, loving
connections.
Until next time, take care.
As always, thank you so much forlistening.
(14:04):
Life is busy, so it means evenmore that you're carving out
time in your day to be here.
Listen, we've got so many greatepisodes coming up, so please
make sure you subscribe tofollow along on Apple Podcasts
or Spotify.
And for those of you who like towatch your podcasts, we are now
uploading them to YouTube.
(14:24):
And if you appreciate theseepisodes, please do us a favor
and leave a rating or a reviewand share it with anyone you
think could benefit.
See you again next Wednesday.
Hey guys.
Lisa Dawn here.
Welcome back to the show.
Today we're gonna talk aboutemotional safety, specifically,
how to know if your partner hasyour back and how compatible you
may or may not be early on,because let's be real, when we
first meet someone, we tend tohave those rows.
Colored glasses on and we canmiss some pretty important
(00:33):
compatibility signals.
When things get tough or ifthere's a conflict, will your
partner be there for you in thatmoment.
We're also gonna talk aboutbuilding emotional safety within
when relationships feeloverwhelming and unsafe.
So thanks for being here withme.
(00:55):
So let's start out with somecompatibility tests.
So let's say you're dating, andmaybe it's been a few months or
longer.
Now let's also assume therehasn't been any major betrayal.
You trust your person, butyou're wondering, do we really
(01:15):
have emotional safety together?
Are, do we share the samevalues?
So instead of waiting for a lifealtering crisis to find out, we
can run some tiny compatibilitytests, not in a sneaky,
manipulative way, but in a,let's see how we actually
(01:37):
function together kind of way.
Number one, the cold and flutest.
I love this one because nothingreveals a person's true nature,
like getting sick.
Now, when that happens, doesyour partner bring you soup and
(01:58):
check in on you?
Are they kind to you or do theydisappear until you're healthy
again?
So just little things to note.
Number two.
The stress test when you need tovent.
It could be about anything aboutwork, your kids, or just life.
(02:21):
Do they listen and support youor are they immediately
distracted and maybeoccasionally mumbling, or you
notice that they're really notpaying attention at all?
Number three.
The road trip test also lovethis one.
(02:42):
This is like the ultimateemotional crash course.
So how do you guys handledirections and navigation
together?
What about music choices?
Are they able to be patient whenyou're hangry, or do they act
(03:03):
like you've personally ruinedtheir day?
Now, these may seem small andinsignificant, but these little
experiences tell us so muchabout the other person.
And remember, a good partnerisn't perfect, but most of the
time they're present.
They make you feel like youmatter, they communicate, and
(03:25):
most importantly, they don't actlike your humanity is an
inconvenience.
So let's continue on with somemore signs of emotional safety.
Here's what we're looking for,communication.
Are they able to listen withoutimmediately turning the
conversation back to themselves?
(03:48):
Do they ask thoughtful questionsinstead of just waiting for
their turn to talk?
There's a huge difference there.
The next one is humor.
Can they joke with you withoutbeing mean?
Are they able to laugh atthemselves?
Can they dish it out but nottake it?
(04:10):
And this next one is hugeconflict conversations.
So if you wanna talk aboutsomething important, like what
respect means to them or whatthey fought about in past
relationships, do they engage ordo they shut down?
Learning how to manage conflictis ultimately going to determine
(04:32):
whether a relationship thrivesor dies.
And having these types ofconversations early on can
really let us know where thepotential is for growth within
the relationship.
And the next one isaccountability.
(04:52):
When they mess up, because weall do.
Are they able to own it or arethey constantly blaming you or
something else and never able totake accountability?
And again, people aren'tperfect, but we wanna know that
(05:13):
we're with someone where growthis important and if your partner
never reflects on their actionsor tries to improve.
It's like being in a car with nosteering wheel.
Good luck getting anywhere.
And a secure relationship meansyou can express your feelings
(05:34):
without fearing rejection.
You feel like an equal, not anafterthought or an accessory,
and your are celebrated, not metwith jealousy or indifference.
Just wanted to add those inthere.
And here's the thing, emotionalsafety also starts with you.
(05:56):
You've gotta check in withyourself, understand your
feelings, and express them.
It's about connection, and ifsomeone truly values you, they
will want to meet you there.
They will make an effort to meetyou there.
Now if you've had trauma,especially relational trauma, or
(06:19):
you've never really known how toconnect to your body or to your
emotions, building emotionalsafety externally will probably
feel overwhelming, but you canstill take small steps in that
direction.
But let's talk about creatinginternal safety while navigating
relationships first.
(06:41):
It's important to understandthat perceived danger is
different from actual danger.
Sometimes our nervous systemreacts to past wounds rather
than the present moment.
And if you constantly feelexhausted, overwhelmed, and full
of anxiety in relationships,these tips then I'm about to
share will be so beneficial foryou.
(07:04):
Here are a few ways to buildthat felt sense of safety.
So number one, and it would behelpful to even just journal
about these things I'm about toshare with you.
Take a few moments when you can,and again, if you can't do that
right now, just bookmark thisand come back to you to it when
(07:26):
you have some time.
This is gonna become a prettysolid resource for you in times
of need and in times that youneed a reminder of how to feel
safe within yourself, how tobuild that, that emotional
safety.
So number one is just listingout some safe places.
(07:50):
So this could be anywhere itidentify places where you feel.
Secure where you feel good.
And these could be real orimagined.
It could be as simple as yourbed.
I know I love my bed.
I feel super safe there.
(08:11):
The beach, it could be afavorite coffee shop or even a
cozy corner of your home.
And when you're doing theseexercises, after each one just
kind of describe in detail.
Why you feel safe there, and asyou do, just check in with your
(08:32):
body and see how you identifyfeeling good or safe within.
So the next one is safe people.
So who makes you feel fullyaccepted as you are?
This could be a real person, aremembered person, or even a
(08:54):
divine presence that gives youcomfort.
For example, mine are my hubby,my dog, and some dear close knit
friends.
Really just spend some timewriting out one by one why these
folks are your people.
(09:14):
I.
What brings you comfort aboutthem and get as detailed as you
can.
The next one is safe music.
What music calms your nervoussystem?
I.
What music just feels so good tolisten to?
For me, currently it's DianaRoss, and strangely enough,
(09:38):
Randy Travis.
Very interesting.
Last year it was all abouthozier, so just take a note.
What are some of the tunes thatjust make you feel so good?
The next one is safe memories.
(10:01):
Recalling times when you feltpowerful, joyful, or at ease.
One of my most fondest memoriesis watching.
A sunrise on a beach in NewZealand, feeling the sand
beneath my toes, sitting on mytowel, taking in the ocean,
(10:24):
watching the waves.
Another one is making pierogiwith my grandma.
The smell of good food, the feelof roll, the rolling pin in my
hands just brings me.
A sense of peace.
So these could be big memoriesor smaller ones that just feel
really nice for you to thinkabout.
(10:48):
And the next one is safesensations.
I.
So what textures, s sense andtaste make you feel grounded and
good?
I love a good citrus, soanything lemon or orange, maybe
it's the smell of lilacs for youor the feeling of a favorite
(11:09):
sweater or sipping a warm cup oftea.
And again, as you list thesethings and go into as much
detail as possible, just take amoment and see how you're
feeling in your body.
(11:30):
See if you're feeling more calm,more relaxed, more happy.
I know even when I'm justthinking about some of my safe
places or memories, I feel asense of joy just bubbling up
within me.
Like I have more access to justsettling in and a smile lights
up my face.
(11:54):
Those are some real simple onesthat you can begin to do to
accumulate this sense of feelingat home within yourself.
And another real quick one is,is Strength and accomplishment
journal.
And this is just simply listingwhat you're skilled at, what
(12:18):
you've survived, and what you'reproud of.
This can be your go-to resourcewhen self-doubt creeps in and it
does.
Building emotional safety isabout creating a foundation
where you and your partner cannavigate life's inevitable
(12:39):
challenges together, and thatrequires both people taking re
responsibility for their side ofthe fence.
So my friends, this was a shortone, but the takeaway here is.
Emotional safety is about howyou feel in a relationship, not
(13:00):
just what someone says.
If your partner consistentlyshows up, listens and makes an
effort, congrats, you're in apretty solid place.
And if you're doing the same foryourself, amazing.
This is how you can hold spacefor yourself and for other
people.
And if not, don't ignore thatgut feeling.
(13:21):
You deserve relationships thatfeel like a warm hug, not an
emotional obstacle course.
And if you're currently workingon building internal safety,
know that it's possible.
Small steps like tuning intosafe memories or sensory
experiences can make a world ofdifference in retraining your
(13:42):
nervous system.
So as always, thank you forhanging out today.
And remind yourself you areworthy of safe, loving
connections.
Until next time, take care.
As always, thank you so much forlistening.
(14:04):
Life is busy, so it means evenmore that you're carving out
time in your day to be here.
Listen, we've got so many greatepisodes coming up, so please
make sure you subscribe tofollow along on Apple Podcasts
or Spotify.
And for those of you who like towatch your podcasts, we are now
uploading them to YouTube.
(14:24):
And if you appreciate theseepisodes, please do us a favor
and leave a rating or a reviewand share it with anyone you
think could benefit.
See you again next Wednesday.
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