May 9, 2024 • 41 mins
Have you ever felt like you're living someone else’s script, constrained by their expectations? Join us as Monica Alexander, an authenticity and embodiment coach, shares her transformative journey from burnout in the TV industry to becoming a beacon of healing and self-acceptance. In this episode, we delve into the art of peeling back the layers obscuring our true selves. Monica illuminates the power of inner child work and the importance of shedding outdated narratives.
We confront the profound question: "Who am I, really?" Monica unravels this enigma, highlighting the courage required to challenge inherited beliefs and reclaim our intuition. Particularly for women, rediscovering intuition can feel like reuniting with a long-lost friend, long silenced by societal noise. Through vivid storytelling, Monica navigates the personal challenges and victories that come with aligning to one's true self amidst external pressures.
The path to self-discovery doesn’t merely lead to understanding—it cultivates deep self-love. Monica emphasizes the need to value ourselves from within, setting the foundation for healthier personal and professional relationships. This episode celebrates the journey of self-exploration, the joys of embracing a multifaceted identity, and the liberating shift from traditional life scripts to a life filled with authenticity and fulfillment. Join us in embracing a transformative narrative of self-realization and empowerment.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to Healers Talk Healing, the podcast where
we gather to explore the art andscience of holistic healing,
uncovering the secrets to ahappier, healthier you.
I'm your host, nina Ganguly,and together we will delve into
the intriguing world of holistichealing, delving into the
mind-body connection, ancientwisdom and natural remedies to
(00:27):
the mind-body connection,ancient wisdom and natural
remedies.
Get ready for enlighteningstories, thought-provoking
expert interviews and practicaltips that will empower you to
unlock your true potential andembrace a vibrant, balanced life
.
Whether you're an experiencedwellness enthusiast or simply
curious about the power ofhealing, join us on this
exhilarating journey as we sharethe wisdom and insights that
(00:47):
can truly transform your life.
It's time to embark on a voyagetowards a happier, healthier
you.
So, without further ado, let'sdive into the captivating world
of Healers Talk Healing.
Welcome to this episode ofHealers Talk Healing.
Today, I'm thrilled to haveMonica Alexander, an
authenticity and embodimentcoach.
(01:08):
Monica combines intuitivecoaching with cognitive,
behavioral therapy tools andsomatic practices to help her
clients embrace their mostauthentic selves.
She specializes in coachinghigh-performing individuals
through significant lifetransitions, empowering them to
live life on their own terms.
Monica's journey into healingbegan after severe burnout from
(01:31):
working long hours in thetelevision industry, which led
to a range of health issues anda transformative sabbatical.
This break allowed her toengage in deep self-discovery,
inner child healing and acomplete lifestyle change.
Her experience not only broughther peace and clarity, but also
propelled her into a newchapter as a healer and coach.
(01:55):
In today's episode, monica willshare how she creates a space
for impactful and lasting change, guiding her clients to listen
to their internal compass and betheir own agents for growth.
With a unique approach that isboth gentle and provoking,
monica helps her clients buildself-awareness and trust,
navigating the delicate balancebetween deep work and
(02:17):
lightheartedness in healing.
Join us as we dive deep withMonica and learn how to walk in
our truth.
I am so honored and so blessedto have Monica Alexander with us
on this episode.
We've done some preamblealready, We've warmed up, we're
(02:38):
ready to go and, of course,monica, I like the little shimmy
here.
If you can't see us, then go toYouTube and watch the video,
but you know, I ask every singleguest before we start to just
get into it what is yourdefinition of healing?
Speaker 2 (02:56):
Yeah well, thank you so much for having me, and I
just love this question.
I think I could go on for dayson how to answer this, but
essentially to me it meanscoming home to oneself, and
there are so many ways one cando that.
It's the unlearning of who youwere taught you are by society,
by family, by culture, religion,and it's learning who you are,
(03:22):
or I should say, remembering whoyou are, who you were as a
child, who you were before theworld got in the way, before
labels were thrust upon you,before you were taught you were
not worthy enough.
And so healing to me is reallyabout that inner child work, me
(03:45):
is really about that inner childwork.
As adults, I believe that thequestions that we often have,
you know, why am I depressed?
What is my calling?
How am I meant to serve?
Why am I on this planet?
Why are my relationshipsfailing?
We can look to our childhoodand we can find those answers.
And it is that inner childhealing that was really the
start of my healing journey, andit is the continuous going back
(04:09):
to and unpacking my beliefsystems today, my thought
patterns, my behaviors, thecycles that I find myself in.
It's looking back at mychildhood where I can usually
understand the root of wherethose belief systems started.
And it is in thatself-awareness, in the start of
the self-discovery, which isthat self-awareness where I
believe we can then change thosepatterns, then we can unlearn,
(04:33):
then we can relearn and thencome home to ourselves, which is
essentially stepping into ourauthenticity and our truths,
which is, funny enough, what Inow refer to myself as, which is
an authenticity coach.
So, yeah, that healing innerchild work is deeply, deeply
important.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
Oh, I agree a hundred percent.
I think there's so there's somany levels and so many things
to look at there.
But what I really got from whatyou're saying is the unlearning
.
You know we talk about learning, but the unlearning, the, the
interrupting the unraveling ofthat, where we begin our journey
(05:12):
, where we step into, oh,something has happened and I
need to go look at that.
And it's not learning somethingnew, because I think innately,
like inside of us, we know whowe are.
I mean, we came that way.
So it's not to learn who we arewe talk about I want to find
myself, but it's aboutunlearning all of the stuff that
(05:32):
we take on from.
And I don't want to blame theadults, because it sounds like
blame, but it's it's not.
It's it's like it's your fault,but they also have to unpack
all of their stuff and theirstuff before that.
None you know.
We were just talking aboutthese generational patterns that
exist, that are so, um, mostpeople are blind to you know.
(05:58):
It's.
It's looking at something.
I remember when I was in thework world, in the corporate
world, and one of the things Idid was change management and so
many people are like but thisis working, why?
Why would we want to look atchanging something?
And then you know but we coulddo it better or differently and
(06:20):
achieve results differently.
And I think we, the collective,we sometimes don't know.
We have to interrupt a pattern.
Like you know, you were sayingsomething earlier about drawing
people towards you and notunderstanding why this pattern
continually existed because youweren't getting the results you
(06:41):
were looking for.
And it's then going back to lookat because you weren't getting
the results you were looking for.
And it's then going back tolook at huh, how, how did I get
to this place?
And then that comes with thewhole, like it's not just how
(07:03):
did I get to this place, how didwe get to this place and I love
the conversation that we werewarming up in should press
record before that and we'llbring it back.
We'll bring it back, we'llbring it back.
I love that you're anauthenticity coach.
So many of us are afraid to beseen.
We want to be seen and we wantto be seen at the level, at such
(07:23):
an intimate, vulnerable levelof who we actually are.
We want to be seen with somecertain oh, you can see this
part of me, but don't see thatpart of me, listen that was the
language that I spoke.
Speaker 2 (07:38):
Okay, I was.
I was fluent in perfectionism.
I vulnerability was not part ofmy vocabulary.
I didn't know what it lookedlike to show up as my true self,
because I hadn't been taught to.
I've unpacked so much of thiswith my mom now, but when I
(08:02):
started this journey, I harboredso much anger towards, you know
, my family, because I felt thatI had been taught to hide
myself.
And when I think about whatthey had been taught as well, I
can now hold compassion for them, because I know that they had
their own journeys.
And this isn't just me, thisisn't just them.
(08:23):
This is, you know,intergenerational, this is also
cultural.
It's really, really beenembedded.
I'll speak specifically as aBlack woman, because hiding
ourselves and making ourselvessmall was a means of survival
for quite a long time, and sothe anger that I used to harbor
(08:44):
was lack of understanding of thejourney that they had to go
through to survive.
But the more that I had been onthis journey myself and
understanding where it started,why I did it, the more that I
can hold compassion for otherswhich, when they are in a state
of being small, of not showingup because it feels unsafe to do
so.
It feels, extremely unsafe andeven being an authenticity coach
(09:06):
.
Now, part of my journey andcontinuing to better myself as a
coach is constantly coachingmyself when I find myself in a
place of are you being authenticright now?
No, I think there's a littlebit of conditioning happening
and you're showing up in thisway because you've been
subconsciously taught to thisisn't actually you right?
(09:27):
And it's continuously talkingabout that, having those
conversations with myself andthen sharing that with others,
which gives other people thepermission to start to unpack
that and unlearn that forthemselves.
And it's so interesting.
You even brought it back fullcircle for me.
I had a download as you werespeaking, because I started this
(09:47):
journey knowing that I had avulnerability issue and now
coming home to AuthenticityCoach as just one part of my
calling it's really the umbrellaof my calling because there's
so many things that I do withinthat, but it was essentially
learning how to remove myselffrom that lack of vulnerability
and understanding where thatlack of vulnerability started.
(10:08):
My siblings you know just aboutthe type of things that I do
share because I am so outspokenabout the things that I have
(10:30):
experienced, because I dobelieve it is so helpful to
others, and I think that's thebeauty in the work that we're
we're both doing and many peopleare now starting to do, and
that is the more that you showup authentically, you give other
people permission to do thesame for themselves.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
A hundred percent, I agree.
I'm just like you can't see ifyou're not watching us on
YouTube.
I'm just nodding the whole time, cause I'm so, you know, vibing
with what you're saying,because I feel the same way,
like until you get theopportunity to see who you are.
And there's this.
I think this has been thestruggle, because I remember I
(11:08):
was like, okay, I, obviously I'm, there's a part of me that
shows up, this gregarious, warm,loving human being.
But behind that was a lot ofanger, a lot of you know people
pleasing, a lot of you know whoam I really and you know I was
sharing.
When my father passed away, Iactually did not know who I was
(11:30):
because my persona was createdin the image of who he saw me as
.
So he saw me as X, so I was X,but I knew that I wasn't X.
But I didn't know what else tobe or who else to be.
And I knew I wanted to beauthentically me, but I didn't
know what else to be or who elseto be.
And I knew I wanted to beauthentically me, but I didn't
know who that was.
(11:50):
I had no idea.
So I guess my question to youas an authenticity coach is
where do you begin to discoverwho you really are?
Speaker 2 (12:00):
Yeah, absolutely.
I think it starts in buildingself-awareness.
I think it starts with theunpacking of certain belief
systems that we have.
Why is it that I believe that Ineed to show up a certain way
each day at work?
Why is it that I believe that Ihave to, I have to lack in
(12:30):
certain boundaries in order forpeople to love me?
Why is it that I don't trustcertain people?
Yeah, why is it that in myrelationship I have a really
hard time letting them take careof me Right, take care of me
(12:50):
Right.
And it's starting to askyourself those questions that
you start to build awareness ofwhere these thought patterns
began.
And once we can get to the rootof them, which is generally in
childhood, if not in childhood,in really really formative years
usually, or really big,sometimes traumatic experiences
(13:11):
in our life, these beliefsystems are built and starting
there, we can start to unpackwhy we as adults now show up a
certain way and then from thereit's starting to really tune
into, because I believe thathealing is on a mind, body and
soul level.
You can't disconnect any ofthem.
It's one reason why my approachis intuitive, cognitive and
(13:35):
somatic, but it's really tuninginto where in your body.
Certain things are coming up foryou, really sitting with
yourself, finding moments ofsolitude to quiet the noise of
your friends, of your family, ofsociety, just really starting
to listen to the thoughts thatcome up when nobody else is
around, because generally thatfirst thought of your friends,
of your family, of society, justreally starting to listen to
the thoughts that come up whennobody else is around, because
generally that first thought,not the second or third or
(13:58):
fourth, but generally that firstthought is really your true
self, right, it's not the first,because the first could also be
an inner critic, it's thesecond, and I bring that up
because I think it's soimportant.
I think part of this process isstarting to tune back into your
intuition, and this one isparticularly important.
It's important for everyone,but I love talking about it with
(14:20):
women because as women we areso, so deeply intuitive and it
comes.
Generally.
Everyone's intuition speaksdifferently, but it's coming
from our body.
But we have been so taught todisconnect ourselves from our
body that we've disconnectedourselves from our intuition,
which is our internal guidancesystem, and it is tuning back
(14:41):
into that intuition that so manythings start to click.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
Amen.
To that.
I say truth, it's, it's you're,you're right.
There is a knowing that we havethat we question.
You know, when you're likemaybe I shouldn't go to this
thing or I shouldn't do this andI'll go anyways, and then you
go and it's like, oh no, Ishould have listened.
Or you step into a businessrelationship or a personal
(15:09):
relationship or friendship andsomething just doesn't sit right
.
But the conditioning, the goodgirl, the nice person, the you
know what I mean all of thestuff that happens like
culturally in in my culture, inthe South Asian culture, a lot
of it is be a good woman, youknow yes, bend, for everybody
(15:30):
else yes you know it's likeeverybody else first.
So then when you're when yourradar comes on and you're like
this doesn't seem cool to me, weput that aside for whatever
else needs to happen in themoment, and then that's where
the self gets lost, and ithappens when we're very, very
young.
It's it, it's.
You're absolutely right.
(15:51):
Forget about anyone that's been.
You know through my history ofof abuse and manipulation and
all of that stuff and grooming.
But just in general, like justin general, this is the way.
This is the way it is in ourculture.
So this is the way it it's.
You know we show up and I, Iknow you, we're talking about
women.
(16:11):
Sorry, men, it's two womentalking.
So what?
Speaker 2 (16:14):
do you think is gonna be better about tuning into
their intuition?
Speaker 1 (16:17):
you know, we absolutely my husband's
intuitive ability, which hedoesn't even know he has, like
he can read people he doesn'tknow them from, from boo.
But he'll say you know what?
I don't?
I don't think you should dobusiness with this person or I
don't really like this personhas come into your life but I
don't really trust them and hehas no idea why.
(16:39):
And for a long time, me beingwho I am, I was like you don't
know what you're talking about,forget it, I'm not listening to
you.
And then I started listeningafter I had enough coaching and
guidance and everyone's sayingyour husband is extremely
intuitive.
You need to, you know you don'tneed to protect yourself from
his guidance.
Uh, I started saying, I startedopening up too and saying, yeah
(17:02):
, okay, I, I agree with you.
There's something off aboutthat and what I learned from my
own, uh, in authenticity, whichI'm still on, you know, they
always say right, we always sayit's like onions, onion layers,
just coming off, one at a time.
But that person that Iprojected out there in the world
(17:23):
like the gregarious, the warm,the nut, that's part of actually
who I am.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
It is part of my essence and to not, you know,
not say that I'm.
I still walk around feelinglike I was two people the the
one at home and then the one outin the world.
And the one out in the world isconstantly lying.
You know, are you okay?
Everything's great,everything's wonderful, and at
home, constantly lying to keepthe peace, so.
So then, where is thatauthenticity?
(17:52):
And I discovered that I feltmore free, obviously, outside of
the home.
So that was who I was, moreauthentic, more authentically.
And you know, now I'm like,yeah, that this is part of who I
am.
It's not someone I made up, itis part of me.
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(18:13):
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Speaker 2 (18:22):
Start your journey today both the tuning into your
intuition as well as the um, theself-awareness is because, as
women, learning to tune backinto our intuition because we've
never lost it, we've just beentaught to disconnect ourselves
(18:44):
from it men as well becausethere was a time when men were
as intuitive as women andbecause men have been pulled so
far away from the feminineaspect of them, which they also
have we all have masculine andfeminine within us they're even
more disconnected from it.
But because it lives soinnately in our bones as women,
(19:06):
we don't realize that justtuning back into our intuition
in itself creates so muchself-awareness, because then
you're learning to listen tothat voice that is always there.
Sometimes it's just becomereally, really, really quiet
because we need it to quiet itin order to survive.
But once we tap back into that,it's starting to.
(19:27):
You know those moments when wesay, well, no, I don't really
know, no, actually I do know.
And to listen to that knowingand move forward no, I don't
really know, no, actually I doknow.
And to listen to that knowingand move forward with that
knowing.
And to really listen to the waythat your intuition speaks to
you, because it does speak to useach differently.
You can then start to relearnand, as we both said, it's not
really learning and findingourselves, it's coming back home
(19:48):
to ourselves, because we hadthat know as children, because
we had that no as children or wehad that knowing in our makeup
before you know.
Society got to our lineage andforced us all into this place of
survival so that we did turnoff that aspect of ourselves.
But it is still there and wecan always come back to it, and
(20:09):
so I believe it's so importantto bring in the intuitive
aspects of coaching honestlyinto the work that I do, because
coming back home to myintuition has been a huge part
of my healing journey.
Like you said, you always, wealways always know, you know
(20:32):
something might play out that'sreally, really harmful or
terrible, and we always say Iknew it I hear from women all
the time, and specifically whenthey're in relationships with,
with partners, that it's notworking and something's going on
.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
And they will say, I knew something was just slightly
off, but it wasn't, or they'rethey couldn't hear their voice
loud enough.
You know, because you know howwe on the outside can quiet it.
We on the outside can see like,oh girl, you shouldn't be with
that person, or even whoever itis you know men, women but you
(21:16):
can't see it, or you.
It's not just the conditioning,though.
It's like the want to be loved,the want to be needed.
I guess it's part ofconditioning.
If you're looking for love inall the wrong places, even in
business relationships right,business relationships are so
much like any other relationshipyou might grab onto a business
(21:38):
partner.
That's not good for you becauseyou're not feeling whatever the
lack is and you feel inside ofyourself.
You see, oh, they can do this.
I've done it myself a couple oftimes actually in my life.
It's like, oh, oh, well, you'vegot this and so I don't have
that, so I'm gonna partner withyou.
And then I realized when I gotthat too, and now I don't really
(22:01):
like where this is goinganymore, and you can feel it
inside, and then you, if you cantake a moment to look back,
what I discovered in thoserelationships is oh, this is a
pattern of codependency.
It started here and then it'slike oh, here it's here, then
it's here, then it's here.
And that codependency comesfrom not feeling worthy.
(22:22):
Oh, because I was told at somepoint I wasn't worthy unless
somebody else told me I wasworthy.
So I need someone else to dothat for me.
Yeah, takes the work.
Speaker 2 (22:32):
You have to be willing to do the work, though
you can take, uh, you know, youcan look at all of your past
relationships and identify that,whether they were, you know,
one week, three years, uh, very,very, very, uh impactful or
just a short stint of, like alove affair, you can start to
(22:54):
connect where the lack of selflove was and you can start to
piece together why you came outof each of those relationships
feeling as sorry I curse, butnot sorry, feeling as shitty as
you do, because you realize thatactually the way that you feel
at the end of thoserelationships is is indicative
of where you were in terms oflove of yourself beforehand, the
(23:21):
voids that you had going intothat relationship, the
worthiness or lack thereof ofyourself, the confidence or
self-trust you did or didn'thave, and how each of those
people were.
Also a mirror of where you were.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
Yes, unfortunately, you know, I'd say lost people
finding other lost people tryingto find directions.
Neither of us knows where to go.
Speaker 2 (23:43):
I don't want to judge anyone, because we've all been
there.
Lord, have I had a lot of lost?
Speaker 1 (23:48):
relationships.
Oh my gosh, oh my goodness,it's very easy to get lost in
another when you don't know youknow where you are in yourself.
And I was watching thiscomedian.
I wish I remember his name, butone of the things in his, in
his act where he got a littleserious was you know, he said.
He said you know, I wonder whypeople get into relationships to
(24:09):
find love before they found itfor themselves.
Because it makes it sochallenging when you're trying
to find love for yourself andthen to get into another, not
another, a serious, committedrelationship with another who's
probably also trying to findlove for themselves.
And you know, maybe we do thingsa little backwards and if we
(24:32):
could flip the switch in ourculture and start talking and I
know it's starting to happenit's taken a minute to get to
that place where what's moreimportant is how you love
yourself, because then that justspills over to everybody else.
It's not like you're not thelast person to drink from the
cup, you're actually the firstperson to drink from the cup.
(24:54):
So then you, there's enough foreverybody else.
And I remember you have fromthe overflow, right, cause I
remember my, these little, youknow these little things that
you remember, as you go alongand you're healing, my dad would
tell me all the time you knowyou never ask someone if you
look nice.
Dad would tell me all the timeyou know you never ask someone
(25:15):
if you look nice.
You wait for them to tell you.
And then if someone tells youyou look nice, then you look
nice, I'm like, okay.
So that's how I grew up.
So I needed outside validationto, to, to, oh okay.
So now I'm a good person.
Okay, if you say I'm a goodperson, then I'm a good person,
but if you say I'm a bad person,then I must be a bad person.
There was, there was nothingthere of myself in there.
And I remember the first timemy daughter asked me if she
(25:37):
looked beautiful and I asked herdo you think you look beautiful
?
Do you think?
Because my opinion doesn'tmatter really at the end of the
day, what matters is youropinion of yourself to go into
this world, and same with my son.
I, you know, I, I, I think I'vereared them both.
The same is, you know, if youfeel you look good, to hell with
(26:00):
whatever other people think orsay.
Or it doesn't matter If youthink you did your best, if you
are happy with what's going on,then none of our opinions really
matter.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
I agree, and that is that work that you are now doing
as a parent is the very reasonthat I have continued to do this
work, because I want to bringthat to my children and to my
family.
I want to take all thebeautiful things that I did
learn from my parents and leaveall the things that were learned
from their parents and theparents before them, et cetera,
(26:32):
et cetera, and teach my childrento come from a place of
internal guidance and validationinternally and not needing to
seek it from outside sources,not needing to find their
worthiness in the doing insteadof the being, knowing that
they're inherently worthy justas they are, and not because
(26:54):
they look, act, produce, etc.
Etc.
How they show up in the world,but just to be worthy and
valuable, just as is, no matterhow they are on any given day
yeah, that's a, that's such a.
Speaker 1 (27:11):
It's a gift.
It is definitely a gift, butwatch out parents.
When you teach them to be thatway, you won't get some stuff.
You don't want to listen.
You have your own opinion.
What, what?
Speaker 2 (27:26):
but that's right, that's so.
What's the beauty of this workas well?
Because those triggers alsotell you where you still have
work to do right and showing upin ways that you're like why am
I so upset about?
You know, that's probably workthat you still have to do, but
you've done such a beautiful jobin teaching them how to show up
and not need that validationfrom you that you might find
(27:49):
that Okay.
So actually, maybe there is apart of me that's still seeking
a little bit of validation, eventhrough my children needing me,
and so in this moment, this isactually about me and not about
them, right?
Speaker 1 (28:01):
Well, it's always an inside job, always.
Oh, there's never anythingoutside of you.
You know, cause we create ourown reality.
So it's really about how we,how we show up, and it's it's
funny that you were talkingabout, you know, the.
It's the beingness you know,it's not the doing.
You know you be, do have, andwe, we are taught you do and
(28:30):
then you have and then you be,and I think that's it.
Like, kids are always askedwhat do you want to be when you
grow up?
But not from the perspective ofI want to be kind, loving, you
know, generous, curious.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
What do you want to produce?
Speaker 1 (28:46):
Yeah Right, you know, generous, curious, you want to
produce.
Yeah right, it's like well,we're expecting to hear a want
to be a doctor, a lawyer, Idon't know, a fisherman or
whatever, a something, but not asomeone which is, which is such
such a a miss for us as humanbeings, with with the children
(29:06):
is.
Can you imagine if a children'sof a child said that to you,
like good job, I just want to bea kind, loving human being,
exactly, and you just bring toeverything that you do?
Speaker 2 (29:16):
exactly.
And then, to take it evenfurther than that, something
that I unpacked for myself just,uh, this year was the fact that
, as children, we're also askedwhat we want to be.
And yes, yes, that's usually anassociation with some form of
career, or how you produce andgive back to the economy, et
cetera, et cetera.
But beyond that, we're alwaysexpected to have one answer.
(29:38):
We're expected to just be onething, and that also is such a
disservice to us as humans,because we're multifaceted and
multidimensional, and that putsus on a path as well to not
being our authentic selves,because it tells us we have to
move towards one thing and beone thing our entire lives oh
wow, glad you said that, yeah,and it is living in that oneness
(30:00):
that forces us to depriveourselves of so many aspects of
ourselves that are meant to benurtured and cultivated, and for
many people, this does lead toalso burnout, but it leads us to
hide parts of ourselves thatare also so important, and that
leads to lack of contentment,that leads to a lack of, you
(30:22):
know, self-worth or hatredtowards ourselves.
For, you know, being in a careerthat's super successful, yet
actually want to do this reallysuper artsy thing, but we can't
do that because we've been toldto do this one thing our entire
lives.
And and I feel like that hasbeen such a curse like even more
so for, you know, generationsprior to mine because I feel
(30:43):
like, you know, even watching mymom stay in one career her
entire life, that she didn'teven want to be in, quite
frankly, but because she feltthat that was the career that
was going to provide for us.
And, in hindsight, if she had,even, you know, just a few years
ago or even now, let herselfexplore this aspect of her that
was really, really true to her,she'd be have been so much more
(31:05):
fulfilled, right, right, butthat is not what we are taught
no right, stay in your careerfor 30 years, get your pension,
get out, take care of your kidsor your family or whatever it is
you're taking care of, and thenyeah out, you get.
Speaker 1 (31:19):
You know what I mean away and um, just incentive to
this right.
Get your retirement fund, getyour own k isps, like, just make
sure that you've got stabilityright and it's.
It's so interesting because thestats show that once you retire
, you don't.
A lot of people don't live verylong after they retire because
(31:41):
they have.
They don't know what else to do.
Yeah, because you're right.
We're not cultivating all thedifferent parts of us at
different dimensions, like, yes,I'm a strategic person in
business, but I'm also creativeand I'm also an energy healer
and once upon a time those twothings couldn't be together in
the same sentence yeah you know,and now I'm like, yeah, 10
(32:04):
years ago it wouldn't have beenin the same sentence for me.
You, as we explore and we learnand we get to understand more
about ourselves, I thinkdiscovery is good.
It's not easy.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
No, no, I always tell my clients this there's stuff
about yourself.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
When you just showed up as a goal, right, You're like
yes, that was me.
Speaker 2 (32:25):
I did that, yeah, and I'm actually, you know, there.
I read this book.
I forgot who the, I think youknow I don't want to get the
author wrong, but it was calledthe uh, the big leap, and it
talks about something called theupper limit problem, which I
find so fascinating, um, and Ialways talk to my clients about
it and bring it into healingconversations like this one,
(32:47):
because it is all about how,when we're, you know, when we're
in a state of bliss, like whenwe've gotten that promotion or
we're doing well in ourrelationship, where life is just
going well we as humans, wehave to fuck it up Because we've
reached this point of likebliss and joy that it's just.
It becomes so unbearablebecause we're so not used to
(33:10):
letting ourselves feel joy,because to feel joy is such a
vulnerable thing to do.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
And I feel so much more comfortable to live in this
state of neutrality, becausethen, if you get too excited,
you could be disappointed.
But if you don't live excitedenough in that place of
neutrality, then you're you gettoo excited, you could be
disappointed, but if you don'tlive excited enough in that
place of neutrality, then you'renot positive enough, right, and
that's also leaves you in avulnerable position.
So it's so fascinating and Ibring it up because it's
something that you know when myclients, you know they make 10
(33:39):
strides forward and all of asudden it's like five strides
back and they go deep into thisdark place and they're really,
really hard on themselves and Ialways hear you know, gosh, I
just feel like I've taken likeseveral steps back and like I'm
so angry at myself and I justhave to remind them like this is
the work that you're doing.
It's learning to find comfortin the discomfort and
(34:02):
understanding that this is just.
This isn't just part of thejourney.
It's the ebbs and flows and itfeels really uncomfortable One
to start to move towardssomething that is actually
something you really, reallywant, and seeing that progress
is both like wow, this isamazing, but your subconscious
is a tricky little thing andit's going to start getting in
(34:23):
the way and telling you hey, youknow, bring it down a notch.
You don't actually deserve that.
You know that success or thatcontentment or that joy.
And in those waves, what you'realso doing is going through
grief, because you're having toremove yourself from a past
version of yourself and there isa deep, deep, deep level of
(34:43):
grief that happens with thatthat people do not realize when
starting this work.
Speaker 1 (34:49):
Oh, girl, I'm like you.
You verbalize that so well.
That's the place where you'relike F is happening right now.
You know I wanted X, like we.
You know, in my tribe ofwonderful people that I have, we
call it creating a created life.
And to live a created life isnot a simple thing, because your
(35:10):
brain does all kinds of crap toyou in the midst of when you're
reaching all of those goals andall of those things not
necessarily even goals like,even like saying to yourself oh,
I am not this person who'sgoing to allow this to happen in
my life anymore.
I'm not going to allowcodependency, but you've only
been codependent your whole life.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
So now you're like, oh so to suddenly not be
codependent is extremelyuncomfortable.
Yes, because now you have tospeak up.
Yeah, exactly, and you knowwhat, in terms of going back to
like our most primal selves,it's really, really
uncomfortable to put yourself ina place of not being dependent
on others, because beingdependent on others equated to
(35:55):
survival at a certain point.
So when you're starting tounlearn these aspects of
yourself, it's going to feelextremely, extremely unsafe.
But whereas once those didserve you, they no longer serve
you because you don't have tolive in that state of survival
anymore.
And, further to that, if you'vealways been in a state of
(36:17):
whether that's, you know, abuseor extremely traumatic
relationships experiences, ifyou're also used to really being
in unsafe situations, safetyfeels unsafe.
Speaker 1 (36:30):
Oh my gosh, so freaking true, and I think one
of the things I want to bring upis that our brains are
developed over a millennia to bein survival mode.
So when anything seemsuncomfortable, you're like well,
okay, no, so that 10 stepsforward and five steps back is
just going to be part of thejourney, because our brains
(36:53):
right now haven't evolved enoughto let go of that.
Well, there's no saber toothtiger coming.
It's like our brains just thinkoh, we're uncomfortable, we're
going to die.
That's it.
You know, it's built to survive.
Speaker 2 (37:05):
That's it, nothing more, more, nothing less.
We are going to die actually,oh my god saying yes to that
thing.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
I'm gonna die.
Well, you know you're not gonnadie and that's that.
Speaker 2 (37:15):
That's a flight.
A flight fight or freeze, right, and it's.
It's so interesting to alsounpack how each of us um, you
know, we do go into that copingmechanism depending on the
situation or depending on theperson like.
Depending on the situation, Imight find myself in freeze and
others I might flee real quick.
Speaker 1 (37:37):
Oh, and sometimes fight oh and often fight.
Speaker 2 (37:44):
It might be actually a combination of all three.
I might, I might fly, I mightcome back and fight and then I
might freeze, you know.
And so healing is it's.
Speaker 1 (37:54):
It can be really, really, really triggering, um
and uncomfortable, but it canalso be so much fun at the same
time, you know oh, it is whenyou can look back and laugh at
the journey that you've beenthrough, like you know, and see
it with with less drama.
Cause man, healing is dream.
I am a drama queen, so ofcourse my healing is even more
dramatic.
Everything is is like this soapopera that happens and I'm like
(38:17):
, wait a minute, oh, shoot, thatsoap opera started again.
We need to end that series.
Oh, we don't create the drama,but I just I loved our
conversation that we've hadtoday.
It's been so beautiful.
I would love to have you back onso we can continue these
wonderful, deep conversations.
You're all the way out there inamsterdam.
(38:39):
I haven't been to that part ofeurope yet, but it's definitely
on my list now.
You did say, monica, that youhave a blog and things that you
share, so I'd love to hear howwe can get in touch with you.
I know you're on the miraclesdirectory, but where else can we
find your juice?
Speaker 2 (38:56):
Yeah, absolutely so.
First and foremost, I am anauthenticity coach, but I'm also
a movement coach, so what thatmeans is I also host healing
workshops for men and women foryou to really get reconnected
with your body, because that hasalso been such a huge part of
my journey, and I do dance, andso I understand the importance
(39:18):
of being connected to your bodyand how that also helps you tap
back into that inner wisdom andreally start to listen into what
your body is trying to tell you, which, if more of us did that,
I really believe there would beless burnout, there would be
less of the health issues thatmany of us face and a lot of us
would get ahead of a lot of thethings that we experience if we
(39:39):
could, if we could, tune intoour bodies more.
So I do host those workshops.
But to speak further to howpeople can reach me, I do have a
blog.
It is called the World I TravelWithin Myself, so just
wwwtheworlditraveled past tense,withinmyselfcom.
And then I have my websitewhere you can find my coaching
(40:00):
offering, which ismonicaalexandercoachingcom so
very easy, butM-O-N-I-C-A-L-E-X-A-N-D-E-R
coachingcom.
And that speaks to my six monthauthenticity coaching,
liberation coaching program, andI will be talking more and more
(40:21):
about my movement coaching aswell, very soon.
Speaker 1 (40:28):
Awesome.
Thank you so much.
This was such a beautifulconversation.
Thank you for your time.
Thank you for the work that youdo, helping people find
themselves, unlearn things andrelearn things.
It is so important for us towalk in the light of who we are,
so thank you for doing the workthat you do.
Speaker 2 (40:45):
Thank you, I really appreciate you bringing me on.
I look forward to moreconversations, me too.
Speaker 1 (40:49):
Take care.
Thank you for joining us todayon healers talk healing.
We hope you've been inspiredand empowered on your holistic
healing journey.
If you've enjoyed today'sepisode and want to continue
learning and growing with us,don't forget to subscribe,
follow, rate and review ourpodcast.
Your feedback and support meanthe world to us.
(41:11):
Remember healing is a lifelongjourney and you have the power
to transform your life inprofound ways.
Stay curious, keep exploringand never stop believing in your
own capacity for healing.
Welcome to Healers Talk Healing, the podcast where
we gather to explore the art andscience of holistic healing,
uncovering the secrets to ahappier, healthier you.
I'm your host, nina Ganguly,and together we will delve into
the intriguing world of holistichealing, delving into the
mind-body connection, ancientwisdom and natural remedies to
(00:27):
the mind-body connection,ancient wisdom and natural
remedies.
Get ready for enlighteningstories, thought-provoking
expert interviews and practicaltips that will empower you to
unlock your true potential andembrace a vibrant, balanced life
.
Whether you're an experiencedwellness enthusiast or simply
curious about the power ofhealing, join us on this
exhilarating journey as we sharethe wisdom and insights that
(00:47):
can truly transform your life.
It's time to embark on a voyagetowards a happier, healthier
you.
So, without further ado, let'sdive into the captivating world
of Healers Talk Healing.
Welcome to this episode ofHealers Talk Healing.
Today, I'm thrilled to haveMonica Alexander, an
authenticity and embodimentcoach.
(01:08):
Monica combines intuitivecoaching with cognitive,
behavioral therapy tools andsomatic practices to help her
clients embrace their mostauthentic selves.
She specializes in coachinghigh-performing individuals
through significant lifetransitions, empowering them to
live life on their own terms.
Monica's journey into healingbegan after severe burnout from
(01:31):
working long hours in thetelevision industry, which led
to a range of health issues anda transformative sabbatical.
This break allowed her toengage in deep self-discovery,
inner child healing and acomplete lifestyle change.
Her experience not only broughther peace and clarity, but also
propelled her into a newchapter as a healer and coach.
(01:55):
In today's episode, monica willshare how she creates a space
for impactful and lasting change, guiding her clients to listen
to their internal compass and betheir own agents for growth.
With a unique approach that isboth gentle and provoking,
monica helps her clients buildself-awareness and trust,
navigating the delicate balancebetween deep work and
(02:17):
lightheartedness in healing.
Join us as we dive deep withMonica and learn how to walk in
our truth.
I am so honored and so blessedto have Monica Alexander with us
on this episode.
We've done some preamblealready, We've warmed up, we're
(02:38):
ready to go and, of course,monica, I like the little shimmy
here.
If you can't see us, then go toYouTube and watch the video,
but you know, I ask every singleguest before we start to just
get into it what is yourdefinition of healing?
Speaker 2 (02:56):
Yeah well, thank you so much for having me, and I
just love this question.
I think I could go on for dayson how to answer this, but
essentially to me it meanscoming home to oneself, and
there are so many ways one cando that.
It's the unlearning of who youwere taught you are by society,
by family, by culture, religion,and it's learning who you are,
(03:22):
or I should say, remembering whoyou are, who you were as a
child, who you were before theworld got in the way, before
labels were thrust upon you,before you were taught you were
not worthy enough.
And so healing to me is reallyabout that inner child work, me
(03:45):
is really about that inner childwork.
As adults, I believe that thequestions that we often have,
you know, why am I depressed?
What is my calling?
How am I meant to serve?
Why am I on this planet?
Why are my relationshipsfailing?
We can look to our childhoodand we can find those answers.
And it is that inner childhealing that was really the
start of my healing journey, andit is the continuous going back
(04:09):
to and unpacking my beliefsystems today, my thought
patterns, my behaviors, thecycles that I find myself in.
It's looking back at mychildhood where I can usually
understand the root of wherethose belief systems started.
And it is in thatself-awareness, in the start of
the self-discovery, which isthat self-awareness where I
believe we can then change thosepatterns, then we can unlearn,
(04:33):
then we can relearn and thencome home to ourselves, which is
essentially stepping into ourauthenticity and our truths,
which is, funny enough, what Inow refer to myself as, which is
an authenticity coach.
So, yeah, that healing innerchild work is deeply, deeply
important.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
Oh, I agree a hundred percent.
I think there's so there's somany levels and so many things
to look at there.
But what I really got from whatyou're saying is the unlearning
.
You know we talk about learning, but the unlearning, the, the
interrupting the unraveling ofthat, where we begin our journey
(05:12):
, where we step into, oh,something has happened and I
need to go look at that.
And it's not learning somethingnew, because I think innately,
like inside of us, we know whowe are.
I mean, we came that way.
So it's not to learn who we arewe talk about I want to find
myself, but it's aboutunlearning all of the stuff that
(05:32):
we take on from.
And I don't want to blame theadults, because it sounds like
blame, but it's it's not.
It's it's like it's your fault,but they also have to unpack
all of their stuff and theirstuff before that.
None you know.
We were just talking aboutthese generational patterns that
exist, that are so, um, mostpeople are blind to you know.
(05:58):
It's.
It's looking at something.
I remember when I was in thework world, in the corporate
world, and one of the things Idid was change management and so
many people are like but thisis working, why?
Why would we want to look atchanging something?
And then you know but we coulddo it better or differently and
(06:20):
achieve results differently.
And I think we, the collective,we sometimes don't know.
We have to interrupt a pattern.
Like you know, you were sayingsomething earlier about drawing
people towards you and notunderstanding why this pattern
continually existed because youweren't getting the results you
(06:41):
were looking for.
And it's then going back to lookat because you weren't getting
the results you were looking for.
And it's then going back tolook at huh, how, how did I get
to this place?
And then that comes with thewhole, like it's not just how
(07:03):
did I get to this place, how didwe get to this place and I love
the conversation that we werewarming up in should press
record before that and we'llbring it back.
We'll bring it back, we'llbring it back.
I love that you're anauthenticity coach.
So many of us are afraid to beseen.
We want to be seen and we wantto be seen at the level, at such
(07:23):
an intimate, vulnerable levelof who we actually are.
We want to be seen with somecertain oh, you can see this
part of me, but don't see thatpart of me, listen that was the
language that I spoke.
Speaker 2 (07:38):
Okay, I was.
I was fluent in perfectionism.
I vulnerability was not part ofmy vocabulary.
I didn't know what it lookedlike to show up as my true self,
because I hadn't been taught to.
I've unpacked so much of thiswith my mom now, but when I
(08:02):
started this journey, I harboredso much anger towards, you know
, my family, because I felt thatI had been taught to hide
myself.
And when I think about whatthey had been taught as well, I
can now hold compassion for them, because I know that they had
their own journeys.
And this isn't just me, thisisn't just them.
(08:23):
This is, you know,intergenerational, this is also
cultural.
It's really, really beenembedded.
I'll speak specifically as aBlack woman, because hiding
ourselves and making ourselvessmall was a means of survival
for quite a long time, and sothe anger that I used to harbor
(08:44):
was lack of understanding of thejourney that they had to go
through to survive.
But the more that I had been onthis journey myself and
understanding where it started,why I did it, the more that I
can hold compassion for otherswhich, when they are in a state
of being small, of not showingup because it feels unsafe to do
so.
It feels, extremely unsafe andeven being an authenticity coach
(09:06):
.
Now, part of my journey andcontinuing to better myself as a
coach is constantly coachingmyself when I find myself in a
place of are you being authenticright now?
No, I think there's a littlebit of conditioning happening
and you're showing up in thisway because you've been
subconsciously taught to thisisn't actually you right?
(09:27):
And it's continuously talkingabout that, having those
conversations with myself andthen sharing that with others,
which gives other people thepermission to start to unpack
that and unlearn that forthemselves.
And it's so interesting.
You even brought it back fullcircle for me.
I had a download as you werespeaking, because I started this
(09:47):
journey knowing that I had avulnerability issue and now
coming home to AuthenticityCoach as just one part of my
calling it's really the umbrellaof my calling because there's
so many things that I do withinthat, but it was essentially
learning how to remove myselffrom that lack of vulnerability
and understanding where thatlack of vulnerability started.
(10:08):
My siblings you know just aboutthe type of things that I do
share because I am so outspokenabout the things that I have
(10:30):
experienced, because I dobelieve it is so helpful to
others, and I think that's thebeauty in the work that we're
we're both doing and many peopleare now starting to do, and
that is the more that you showup authentically, you give other
people permission to do thesame for themselves.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
A hundred percent, I agree.
I'm just like you can't see ifyou're not watching us on
YouTube.
I'm just nodding the whole time, cause I'm so, you know, vibing
with what you're saying,because I feel the same way,
like until you get theopportunity to see who you are.
And there's this.
I think this has been thestruggle, because I remember I
(11:08):
was like, okay, I, obviously I'm, there's a part of me that
shows up, this gregarious, warm,loving human being.
But behind that was a lot ofanger, a lot of you know people
pleasing, a lot of you know whoam I really and you know I was
sharing.
When my father passed away, Iactually did not know who I was
(11:30):
because my persona was createdin the image of who he saw me as
.
So he saw me as X, so I was X,but I knew that I wasn't X.
But I didn't know what else tobe or who else to be.
And I knew I wanted to beauthentically me, but I didn't
know what else to be or who elseto be.
And I knew I wanted to beauthentically me, but I didn't
know who that was.
(11:50):
I had no idea.
So I guess my question to youas an authenticity coach is
where do you begin to discoverwho you really are?
Speaker 2 (12:00):
Yeah, absolutely.
I think it starts in buildingself-awareness.
I think it starts with theunpacking of certain belief
systems that we have.
Why is it that I believe that Ineed to show up a certain way
each day at work?
Why is it that I believe that Ihave to, I have to lack in
(12:30):
certain boundaries in order forpeople to love me?
Why is it that I don't trustcertain people?
Yeah, why is it that in myrelationship I have a really
hard time letting them take careof me Right, take care of me
(12:50):
Right.
And it's starting to askyourself those questions that
you start to build awareness ofwhere these thought patterns
began.
And once we can get to the rootof them, which is generally in
childhood, if not in childhood,in really really formative years
usually, or really big,sometimes traumatic experiences
(13:11):
in our life, these beliefsystems are built and starting
there, we can start to unpackwhy we as adults now show up a
certain way and then from thereit's starting to really tune
into, because I believe thathealing is on a mind, body and
soul level.
You can't disconnect any ofthem.
It's one reason why my approachis intuitive, cognitive and
(13:35):
somatic, but it's really tuninginto where in your body.
Certain things are coming up foryou, really sitting with
yourself, finding moments ofsolitude to quiet the noise of
your friends, of your family, ofsociety, just really starting
to listen to the thoughts thatcome up when nobody else is
around, because generally thatfirst thought of your friends,
of your family, of society, justreally starting to listen to
the thoughts that come up whennobody else is around, because
generally that first thought,not the second or third or
(13:58):
fourth, but generally that firstthought is really your true
self, right, it's not the first,because the first could also be
an inner critic, it's thesecond, and I bring that up
because I think it's soimportant.
I think part of this process isstarting to tune back into your
intuition, and this one isparticularly important.
It's important for everyone,but I love talking about it with
(14:20):
women because as women we areso, so deeply intuitive and it
comes.
Generally.
Everyone's intuition speaksdifferently, but it's coming
from our body.
But we have been so taught todisconnect ourselves from our
body that we've disconnectedourselves from our intuition,
which is our internal guidancesystem, and it is tuning back
(14:41):
into that intuition that so manythings start to click.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
Amen.
To that.
I say truth, it's, it's you're,you're right.
There is a knowing that we havethat we question.
You know, when you're likemaybe I shouldn't go to this
thing or I shouldn't do this andI'll go anyways, and then you
go and it's like, oh no, Ishould have listened.
Or you step into a businessrelationship or a personal
(15:09):
relationship or friendship andsomething just doesn't sit right
.
But the conditioning, the goodgirl, the nice person, the you
know what I mean all of thestuff that happens like
culturally in in my culture, inthe South Asian culture, a lot
of it is be a good woman, youknow yes, bend, for everybody
(15:30):
else yes you know it's likeeverybody else first.
So then when you're when yourradar comes on and you're like
this doesn't seem cool to me, weput that aside for whatever
else needs to happen in themoment, and then that's where
the self gets lost, and ithappens when we're very, very
young.
It's it, it's.
You're absolutely right.
(15:51):
Forget about anyone that's been.
You know through my history ofof abuse and manipulation and
all of that stuff and grooming.
But just in general, like justin general, this is the way.
This is the way it is in ourculture.
So this is the way it it's.
You know we show up and I, Iknow you, we're talking about
women.
(16:11):
Sorry, men, it's two womentalking.
So what?
Speaker 2 (16:14):
do you think is gonna be better about tuning into
their intuition?
Speaker 1 (16:17):
you know, we absolutely my husband's
intuitive ability, which hedoesn't even know he has, like
he can read people he doesn'tknow them from, from boo.
But he'll say you know what?
I don't?
I don't think you should dobusiness with this person or I
don't really like this personhas come into your life but I
don't really trust them and hehas no idea why.
(16:39):
And for a long time, me beingwho I am, I was like you don't
know what you're talking about,forget it, I'm not listening to
you.
And then I started listeningafter I had enough coaching and
guidance and everyone's sayingyour husband is extremely
intuitive.
You need to, you know you don'tneed to protect yourself from
his guidance.
Uh, I started saying, I startedopening up too and saying, yeah
(17:02):
, okay, I, I agree with you.
There's something off aboutthat and what I learned from my
own, uh, in authenticity, whichI'm still on, you know, they
always say right, we always sayit's like onions, onion layers,
just coming off, one at a time.
But that person that Iprojected out there in the world
(17:23):
like the gregarious, the warm,the nut, that's part of actually
who I am.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
It is part of my essence and to not, you know,
not say that I'm.
I still walk around feelinglike I was two people the the
one at home and then the one outin the world.
And the one out in the world isconstantly lying.
You know, are you okay?
Everything's great,everything's wonderful, and at
home, constantly lying to keepthe peace, so.
So then, where is thatauthenticity?
(17:52):
And I discovered that I feltmore free, obviously, outside of
the home.
So that was who I was, moreauthentic, more authentically.
And you know, now I'm like,yeah, that this is part of who I
am.
It's not someone I made up, itis part of me.
Join the miracles directory,where healers connect and
wellness begins.
(18:13):
Join a community of trustedholistic professionals or find
your path to healing and peace.
Visit the miracles directorycom.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
Start your journey today both the tuning into your
intuition as well as the um, theself-awareness is because, as
women, learning to tune backinto our intuition because we've
never lost it, we've just beentaught to disconnect ourselves
(18:44):
from it men as well becausethere was a time when men were
as intuitive as women andbecause men have been pulled so
far away from the feminineaspect of them, which they also
have we all have masculine andfeminine within us they're even
more disconnected from it.
But because it lives soinnately in our bones as women,
(19:06):
we don't realize that justtuning back into our intuition
in itself creates so muchself-awareness, because then
you're learning to listen tothat voice that is always there.
Sometimes it's just becomereally, really, really quiet
because we need it to quiet itin order to survive.
But once we tap back into that,it's starting to.
(19:27):
You know those moments when wesay, well, no, I don't really
know, no, actually I do know.
And to listen to that knowingand move forward no, I don't
really know, no, actually I doknow.
And to listen to that knowingand move forward with that
knowing.
And to really listen to the waythat your intuition speaks to
you, because it does speak to useach differently.
You can then start to relearnand, as we both said, it's not
really learning and findingourselves, it's coming back home
(19:48):
to ourselves, because we hadthat know as children, because
we had that no as children or wehad that knowing in our makeup
before you know.
Society got to our lineage andforced us all into this place of
survival so that we did turnoff that aspect of ourselves.
But it is still there and wecan always come back to it, and
(20:09):
so I believe it's so importantto bring in the intuitive
aspects of coaching honestlyinto the work that I do, because
coming back home to myintuition has been a huge part
of my healing journey.
Like you said, you always, wealways always know, you know
(20:32):
something might play out that'sreally, really harmful or
terrible, and we always say Iknew it I hear from women all
the time, and specifically whenthey're in relationships with,
with partners, that it's notworking and something's going on
.
Speaker 1 (20:50):
And they will say, I knew something was just slightly
off, but it wasn't, or they'rethey couldn't hear their voice
loud enough.
You know, because you know howwe on the outside can quiet it.
We on the outside can see like,oh girl, you shouldn't be with
that person, or even whoever itis you know men, women but you
(21:16):
can't see it, or you.
It's not just the conditioning,though.
It's like the want to be loved,the want to be needed.
I guess it's part ofconditioning.
If you're looking for love inall the wrong places, even in
business relationships right,business relationships are so
much like any other relationshipyou might grab onto a business
(21:38):
partner.
That's not good for you becauseyou're not feeling whatever the
lack is and you feel inside ofyourself.
You see, oh, they can do this.
I've done it myself a couple oftimes actually in my life.
It's like, oh, oh, well, you'vegot this and so I don't have
that, so I'm gonna partner withyou.
And then I realized when I gotthat too, and now I don't really
(22:01):
like where this is goinganymore, and you can feel it
inside, and then you, if you cantake a moment to look back,
what I discovered in thoserelationships is oh, this is a
pattern of codependency.
It started here and then it'slike oh, here it's here, then
it's here, then it's here.
And that codependency comesfrom not feeling worthy.
(22:22):
Oh, because I was told at somepoint I wasn't worthy unless
somebody else told me I wasworthy.
So I need someone else to dothat for me.
Yeah, takes the work.
Speaker 2 (22:32):
You have to be willing to do the work, though
you can take, uh, you know, youcan look at all of your past
relationships and identify that,whether they were, you know,
one week, three years, uh, very,very, very, uh impactful or
just a short stint of, like alove affair, you can start to
(22:54):
connect where the lack of selflove was and you can start to
piece together why you came outof each of those relationships
feeling as sorry I curse, butnot sorry, feeling as shitty as
you do, because you realize thatactually the way that you feel
at the end of thoserelationships is is indicative
of where you were in terms oflove of yourself beforehand, the
(23:21):
voids that you had going intothat relationship, the
worthiness or lack thereof ofyourself, the confidence or
self-trust you did or didn'thave, and how each of those
people were.
Also a mirror of where you were.
Speaker 1 (23:34):
Yes, unfortunately, you know, I'd say lost people
finding other lost people tryingto find directions.
Neither of us knows where to go.
Speaker 2 (23:43):
I don't want to judge anyone, because we've all been
there.
Lord, have I had a lot of lost?
Speaker 1 (23:48):
relationships.
Oh my gosh, oh my goodness,it's very easy to get lost in
another when you don't know youknow where you are in yourself.
And I was watching thiscomedian.
I wish I remember his name, butone of the things in his, in
his act where he got a littleserious was you know, he said.
He said you know, I wonder whypeople get into relationships to
(24:09):
find love before they found itfor themselves.
Because it makes it sochallenging when you're trying
to find love for yourself andthen to get into another, not
another, a serious, committedrelationship with another who's
probably also trying to findlove for themselves.
And you know, maybe we do thingsa little backwards and if we
(24:32):
could flip the switch in ourculture and start talking and I
know it's starting to happenit's taken a minute to get to
that place where what's moreimportant is how you love
yourself, because then that justspills over to everybody else.
It's not like you're not thelast person to drink from the
cup, you're actually the firstperson to drink from the cup.
(24:54):
So then you, there's enough foreverybody else.
And I remember you have fromthe overflow, right, cause I
remember my, these little, youknow these little things that
you remember, as you go alongand you're healing, my dad would
tell me all the time you knowyou never ask someone if you
look nice.
Dad would tell me all the timeyou know you never ask someone
(25:15):
if you look nice.
You wait for them to tell you.
And then if someone tells youyou look nice, then you look
nice, I'm like, okay.
So that's how I grew up.
So I needed outside validationto, to, to, oh okay.
So now I'm a good person.
Okay, if you say I'm a goodperson, then I'm a good person,
but if you say I'm a bad person,then I must be a bad person.
There was, there was nothingthere of myself in there.
And I remember the first timemy daughter asked me if she
(25:37):
looked beautiful and I asked herdo you think you look beautiful
?
Do you think?
Because my opinion doesn'tmatter really at the end of the
day, what matters is youropinion of yourself to go into
this world, and same with my son.
I, you know, I, I, I think I'vereared them both.
The same is, you know, if youfeel you look good, to hell with
(26:00):
whatever other people think orsay.
Or it doesn't matter If youthink you did your best, if you
are happy with what's going on,then none of our opinions really
matter.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
I agree, and that is that work that you are now doing
as a parent is the very reasonthat I have continued to do this
work, because I want to bringthat to my children and to my
family.
I want to take all thebeautiful things that I did
learn from my parents and leaveall the things that were learned
from their parents and theparents before them, et cetera,
(26:32):
et cetera, and teach my childrento come from a place of
internal guidance and validationinternally and not needing to
seek it from outside sources,not needing to find their
worthiness in the doing insteadof the being, knowing that
they're inherently worthy justas they are, and not because
(26:54):
they look, act, produce, etc.
Etc.
How they show up in the world,but just to be worthy and
valuable, just as is, no matterhow they are on any given day
yeah, that's a, that's such a.
Speaker 1 (27:11):
It's a gift.
It is definitely a gift, butwatch out parents.
When you teach them to be thatway, you won't get some stuff.
You don't want to listen.
You have your own opinion.
What, what?
Speaker 2 (27:26):
but that's right, that's so.
What's the beauty of this workas well?
Because those triggers alsotell you where you still have
work to do right and showing upin ways that you're like why am
I so upset about?
You know, that's probably workthat you still have to do, but
you've done such a beautiful jobin teaching them how to show up
and not need that validationfrom you that you might find
(27:49):
that Okay.
So actually, maybe there is apart of me that's still seeking
a little bit of validation, eventhrough my children needing me,
and so in this moment, this isactually about me and not about
them, right?
Speaker 1 (28:01):
Well, it's always an inside job, always.
Oh, there's never anythingoutside of you.
You know, cause we create ourown reality.
So it's really about how we,how we show up, and it's it's
funny that you were talkingabout, you know, the.
It's the beingness you know,it's not the doing.
You know you be, do have, andwe, we are taught you do and
(28:30):
then you have and then you be,and I think that's it.
Like, kids are always askedwhat do you want to be when you
grow up?
But not from the perspective ofI want to be kind, loving, you
know, generous, curious.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
What do you want to produce?
Speaker 1 (28:46):
Yeah Right, you know, generous, curious, you want to
produce.
Yeah right, it's like well,we're expecting to hear a want
to be a doctor, a lawyer, Idon't know, a fisherman or
whatever, a something, but not asomeone which is, which is such
such a a miss for us as humanbeings, with with the children
(29:06):
is.
Can you imagine if a children'sof a child said that to you,
like good job, I just want to bea kind, loving human being,
exactly, and you just bring toeverything that you do?
Speaker 2 (29:16):
exactly.
And then, to take it evenfurther than that, something
that I unpacked for myself just,uh, this year was the fact that
, as children, we're also askedwhat we want to be.
And yes, yes, that's usually anassociation with some form of
career, or how you produce andgive back to the economy, et
cetera, et cetera.
But beyond that, we're alwaysexpected to have one answer.
(29:38):
We're expected to just be onething, and that also is such a
disservice to us as humans,because we're multifaceted and
multidimensional, and that putsus on a path as well to not
being our authentic selves,because it tells us we have to
move towards one thing and beone thing our entire lives oh
wow, glad you said that, yeah,and it is living in that oneness
(30:00):
that forces us to depriveourselves of so many aspects of
ourselves that are meant to benurtured and cultivated, and for
many people, this does lead toalso burnout, but it leads us to
hide parts of ourselves thatare also so important, and that
leads to lack of contentment,that leads to a lack of, you
(30:22):
know, self-worth or hatredtowards ourselves.
For, you know, being in a careerthat's super successful, yet
actually want to do this reallysuper artsy thing, but we can't
do that because we've been toldto do this one thing our entire
lives.
And and I feel like that hasbeen such a curse like even more
so for, you know, generationsprior to mine because I feel
(30:43):
like, you know, even watching mymom stay in one career her
entire life, that she didn'teven want to be in, quite
frankly, but because she feltthat that was the career that
was going to provide for us.
And, in hindsight, if she had,even, you know, just a few years
ago or even now, let herselfexplore this aspect of her that
was really, really true to her,she'd be have been so much more
(31:05):
fulfilled, right, right, butthat is not what we are taught
no right, stay in your careerfor 30 years, get your pension,
get out, take care of your kidsor your family or whatever it is
you're taking care of, and thenyeah out, you get.
Speaker 1 (31:19):
You know what I mean away and um, just incentive to
this right.
Get your retirement fund, getyour own k isps, like, just make
sure that you've got stabilityright and it's.
It's so interesting because thestats show that once you retire
, you don't.
A lot of people don't live verylong after they retire because
(31:41):
they have.
They don't know what else to do.
Yeah, because you're right.
We're not cultivating all thedifferent parts of us at
different dimensions, like, yes,I'm a strategic person in
business, but I'm also creativeand I'm also an energy healer
and once upon a time those twothings couldn't be together in
the same sentence yeah you know,and now I'm like, yeah, 10
(32:04):
years ago it wouldn't have beenin the same sentence for me.
You, as we explore and we learnand we get to understand more
about ourselves, I thinkdiscovery is good.
It's not easy.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
No, no, I always tell my clients this there's stuff
about yourself.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
When you just showed up as a goal, right, You're like
yes, that was me.
Speaker 2 (32:25):
I did that, yeah, and I'm actually, you know, there.
I read this book.
I forgot who the, I think youknow I don't want to get the
author wrong, but it was calledthe uh, the big leap, and it
talks about something called theupper limit problem, which I
find so fascinating, um, and Ialways talk to my clients about
it and bring it into healingconversations like this one,
(32:47):
because it is all about how,when we're, you know, when we're
in a state of bliss, like whenwe've gotten that promotion or
we're doing well in ourrelationship, where life is just
going well we as humans, wehave to fuck it up Because we've
reached this point of likebliss and joy that it's just.
It becomes so unbearablebecause we're so not used to
(33:10):
letting ourselves feel joy,because to feel joy is such a
vulnerable thing to do.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:17):
And I feel so much more comfortable to live in this
state of neutrality, becausethen, if you get too excited,
you could be disappointed.
But if you don't live excitedenough in that place of
neutrality, then you're you gettoo excited, you could be
disappointed, but if you don'tlive excited enough in that
place of neutrality, then you'renot positive enough, right, and
that's also leaves you in avulnerable position.
So it's so fascinating and Ibring it up because it's
something that you know when myclients, you know they make 10
(33:39):
strides forward and all of asudden it's like five strides
back and they go deep into thisdark place and they're really,
really hard on themselves and Ialways hear you know, gosh, I
just feel like I've taken likeseveral steps back and like I'm
so angry at myself and I justhave to remind them like this is
the work that you're doing.
It's learning to find comfortin the discomfort and
(34:02):
understanding that this is just.
This isn't just part of thejourney.
It's the ebbs and flows and itfeels really uncomfortable One
to start to move towardssomething that is actually
something you really, reallywant, and seeing that progress
is both like wow, this isamazing, but your subconscious
is a tricky little thing andit's going to start getting in
(34:23):
the way and telling you hey, youknow, bring it down a notch.
You don't actually deserve that.
You know that success or thatcontentment or that joy.
And in those waves, what you'realso doing is going through
grief, because you're having toremove yourself from a past
version of yourself and there isa deep, deep, deep level of
(34:43):
grief that happens with thatthat people do not realize when
starting this work.
Speaker 1 (34:49):
Oh, girl, I'm like you.
You verbalize that so well.
That's the place where you'relike F is happening right now.
You know I wanted X, like we.
You know, in my tribe ofwonderful people that I have, we
call it creating a created life.
And to live a created life isnot a simple thing, because your
(35:10):
brain does all kinds of crap toyou in the midst of when you're
reaching all of those goals andall of those things not
necessarily even goals like,even like saying to yourself oh,
I am not this person who'sgoing to allow this to happen in
my life anymore.
I'm not going to allowcodependency, but you've only
been codependent your whole life.
Speaker 2 (35:32):
So now you're like, oh so to suddenly not be
codependent is extremelyuncomfortable.
Yes, because now you have tospeak up.
Yeah, exactly, and you knowwhat, in terms of going back to
like our most primal selves,it's really, really
uncomfortable to put yourself ina place of not being dependent
on others, because beingdependent on others equated to
(35:55):
survival at a certain point.
So when you're starting tounlearn these aspects of
yourself, it's going to feelextremely, extremely unsafe.
But whereas once those didserve you, they no longer serve
you because you don't have tolive in that state of survival
anymore.
And, further to that, if you'vealways been in a state of
(36:17):
whether that's, you know, abuseor extremely traumatic
relationships experiences, ifyou're also used to really being
in unsafe situations, safetyfeels unsafe.
Speaker 1 (36:30):
Oh my gosh, so freaking true, and I think one
of the things I want to bring upis that our brains are
developed over a millennia to bein survival mode.
So when anything seemsuncomfortable, you're like well,
okay, no, so that 10 stepsforward and five steps back is
just going to be part of thejourney, because our brains
(36:53):
right now haven't evolved enoughto let go of that.
Well, there's no saber toothtiger coming.
It's like our brains just thinkoh, we're uncomfortable, we're
going to die.
That's it.
You know, it's built to survive.
Speaker 2 (37:05):
That's it, nothing more, more, nothing less.
We are going to die actually,oh my god saying yes to that
thing.
Speaker 1 (37:11):
I'm gonna die.
Well, you know you're not gonnadie and that's that.
Speaker 2 (37:15):
That's a flight.
A flight fight or freeze, right, and it's.
It's so interesting to alsounpack how each of us um, you
know, we do go into that copingmechanism depending on the
situation or depending on theperson like.
Depending on the situation, Imight find myself in freeze and
others I might flee real quick.
Speaker 1 (37:37):
Oh, and sometimes fight oh and often fight.
Speaker 2 (37:44):
It might be actually a combination of all three.
I might, I might fly, I mightcome back and fight and then I
might freeze, you know.
And so healing is it's.
Speaker 1 (37:54):
It can be really, really, really triggering, um
and uncomfortable, but it canalso be so much fun at the same
time, you know oh, it is whenyou can look back and laugh at
the journey that you've beenthrough, like you know, and see
it with with less drama.
Cause man, healing is dream.
I am a drama queen, so ofcourse my healing is even more
dramatic.
Everything is is like this soapopera that happens and I'm like
(38:17):
, wait a minute, oh, shoot, thatsoap opera started again.
We need to end that series.
Oh, we don't create the drama,but I just I loved our
conversation that we've hadtoday.
It's been so beautiful.
I would love to have you back onso we can continue these
wonderful, deep conversations.
You're all the way out there inamsterdam.
(38:39):
I haven't been to that part ofeurope yet, but it's definitely
on my list now.
You did say, monica, that youhave a blog and things that you
share, so I'd love to hear howwe can get in touch with you.
I know you're on the miraclesdirectory, but where else can we
find your juice?
Speaker 2 (38:56):
Yeah, absolutely so.
First and foremost, I am anauthenticity coach, but I'm also
a movement coach, so what thatmeans is I also host healing
workshops for men and women foryou to really get reconnected
with your body, because that hasalso been such a huge part of
my journey, and I do dance, andso I understand the importance
(39:18):
of being connected to your bodyand how that also helps you tap
back into that inner wisdom andreally start to listen into what
your body is trying to tell you, which, if more of us did that,
I really believe there would beless burnout, there would be
less of the health issues thatmany of us face and a lot of us
would get ahead of a lot of thethings that we experience if we
(39:39):
could, if we could, tune intoour bodies more.
So I do host those workshops.
But to speak further to howpeople can reach me, I do have a
blog.
It is called the World I TravelWithin Myself, so just
wwwtheworlditraveled past tense,withinmyselfcom.
And then I have my websitewhere you can find my coaching
(40:00):
offering, which ismonicaalexandercoachingcom so
very easy, butM-O-N-I-C-A-L-E-X-A-N-D-E-R
coachingcom.
And that speaks to my six monthauthenticity coaching,
liberation coaching program, andI will be talking more and more
(40:21):
about my movement coaching aswell, very soon.
Speaker 1 (40:28):
Awesome.
Thank you so much.
This was such a beautifulconversation.
Thank you for your time.
Thank you for the work that youdo, helping people find
themselves, unlearn things andrelearn things.
It is so important for us towalk in the light of who we are,
so thank you for doing the workthat you do.
Speaker 2 (40:45):
Thank you, I really appreciate you bringing me on.
I look forward to moreconversations, me too.
Speaker 1 (40:49):
Take care.
Thank you for joining us todayon healers talk healing.
We hope you've been inspiredand empowered on your holistic
healing journey.
If you've enjoyed today'sepisode and want to continue
learning and growing with us,don't forget to subscribe,
follow, rate and review ourpodcast.
Your feedback and support meanthe world to us.
(41:11):
Remember healing is a lifelongjourney and you have the power
to transform your life inprofound ways.
Stay curious, keep exploringand never stop believing in your
own capacity for healing.
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