Ep67 Recognizing Emotional Bullying And Reclaiming Your Peace

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What if the person you love has you living on eggshells while telling you it’s all a joke? We open the door on emotional bullying—how it hides behind sarcasm, withdrawal, and scorekeeping—and why so many caring partners end up doubting their reality. With a clear, compassionate lens, we map the five sovereign relationship needs—love and belonging, freedom, fun, safety and survival, and empowerment—and show how each one is honored in healthy bonds and twisted in controlling dynamics.

From there, we get practical. You’ll learn how the nervous system wires to survive hot–cold cycles, mistaking relief for love, and what it takes to gently rewire toward safety and steadiness. We share six grounded steps to stand up for yourself without shouting or shame: name the behavior, pause to regulate, speak with calm strength, reconnect to your core needs, build a circle of safety, and remember that compassion is not compliance. You’ll hear boundary scripts you can use today and body-based practices that help you stay centered when tension rises.

As coaches and healers, we’ve seen that when you shift your energy, language, and nervous system responses, power imbalances often soften—and most importantly, you stop feeling powerless. If you’ve been told you’re too sensitive or made to earn love by pleasing, this conversation offers clarity, validation, and tools to reclaim your voice and peace. Subscribe, share with someone who needs it, and leave a review to help others find support. Ready for a first step? Take the sovereign relationship needs quiz and book a free discovery call to begin your path back to safety and self-worth.

Welcome to The Better Relationships Podcast with Dr. Dar Hawks, your guide to building stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Each episode dives into Dr. Dar’s proven Relationship Success Framework, offering practical strategies to help you express your needs, handle difficult conversations, and nurture emotional harmony in all your relationships. Ready to understand yourself and your loved ones better? Take the free Primary Relationship Needs Quiz at needs.drdarhawks.com and start your jou

Thanks for listening today! If something in this episode spoke to you, Dr. Dar would love to connect. You can book a consultation here or take the free quiz at needs.drdarhawks.com if you haven't done so yet. This podcast is for coaching support and education only.

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:34):
Welcome to episode 67 of the Better Relationships
Podcast, where we healrelationships from the inside
out.
I'm Dr.
Dar Hawks, your relationship andcommunication healer, who guides
compassionate women and couplesto transform painful patterns
into peaceful, empoweredpartnerships, and build

(00:59):
relationships rooted in trust,respect, and authentic emotional
connection.

Today's topic is a question (01:07):
Are you married to a bully?
How to recognize emotionalbullying, understand the role
your nervous system has, andreclaim your inner peace and
value and worth.
You never thought you'd use theword bully to describe the
person you married, yet here youare, walking on eggshells,

(01:31):
second guessing your words, andwondering when kindness and
compassion will return.
Emotional bullying doesn'talways look like shouting or
name-calling.
Sometimes it hides behindsarcasm, control, silence, or
subtle put-downs.

(01:51):
And for heart-centered,compassionate women and
partners, especially those wholead with care and giving, it
can be confusing, painful, anddeeply isolating.
Because we feel all alone and wefeel like we cannot share how
we're feeling with anyone,because we're embarrassed, feel

(02:14):
ashamed, or just don't wantanyone to know our inner truth
of what we're experiencing.
Because you feel all alone andyou cannot share how you feel
with anyone, because you feelembarrassed, ashamed, or just
don't want anyone to know yourinner truth or what's going on
inside your relationship.

(02:35):
Because you should know better,because you should have seen the
signs earlier.
Let's start with how to tell ifyou're being bullied.
You might be experiencingemotional bullying if your
partner consistently dismissesyour feelings or tells you
you're too sensitive or you'retoo emotional.

(02:56):
Your partner uses anger,withdrawal, or criticism to
control decisions.
Your partner makes you feelguilty for setting boundaries or
even having needs.
Your partner keeps score of yourmistakes but minimizes or
dismisses their own.
Your partner uses affection as areward or punishment, or your

(03:20):
partner leaves you feelinganxious, small, or invisible
after many interactions.
Emotional bullying thrives inconfusion when love and fear can
actually coexist.
So if you're feeling confused oryou're feeling doubtful, that
might also be a sign that maybeyou're being bullied.

(03:43):
You may still see glimpses ofthe person you fell in love with
and hang on to those glimpses aspositive things in the
relationship, which then makesit even harder to trust your own
perception.
Here are things a bully husbandor partner might say.
You're lucky I put up with you.

(04:04):
Why do you always makeeverything about you?
I'm just joking.
Can't you take a joke?
Oh, you'd be lost without me.
What would you do if I wasn'there?
If you really loved me, you'd doit my way.
You're overreacting, it wasn'tthat bad.

(04:26):
No one else will love you theway I do.
These comments might soundcasual, even playful, but over
time they will chip away at yourconfidence and sense of
self-worth.
You likely entered thisrelationship with a big heart,
ready to love fully and create aharmonious, happy, and healthy

(04:49):
relationship.
But now you might feel likeyou're drained from trying to
fix things.
You might feel guilty when youtake even a little snippet of
time for yourself.
You're often afraid ofconfrontation or your partner's
moods or how they're going toreact.
You might feel confused becausesometimes he's loving and

(05:12):
sometimes he's cruel.
You might feel lonely even whilesharing the same bed.
You may also still believe thatif you just loved harder,
communicated better, gave more,or stay patient long enough,
he'll change.
But bullying isn't acommunication issue.

(05:33):
It's a power imbalance issue.
And it shows up through the fivesovereign relationship needs in
a bullying dynamic.
Every healthy relationshiphonors and respects these five
needs.
In a bullying dynamic, theybecome distorted.
With the relationship need oflove and belonging, when it's

(05:56):
healthy and positive, you feelaccepted and included.
When it's imbalanced or bullied,you find yourself having to earn
love by pleasing or complying.
With the freedom sovereignrelationship need, when it's
healthy and positive, you'reencouraged to be yourself, to
have your own hobbies andinterests, and to have your

(06:19):
alone time.
When it's imbalanced or bullied,your freedom is restricted or
criticized or controlled.
With the sovereign relationshipneed of fun, when it's healthy
and positive, there's laughterand lightness in your
relationship.
When it's imbalanced or bullied,joy disappears and jokes become

(06:43):
mockery.
With the sovereign relationshipneed of safety and survival,
when it's healthy and positive,you feel completely emotionally
and physically safe.
You also feel financially,spiritually, and mentally safe.
When imbalanced or bullied, youwalk on eggshells anticipating

(07:06):
reactions.
You're afraid of what he mightdo or say.
With the sovereign relationshipneed of empowerment or power,
when it's healthy and positivein your relationship, power is
shared, voices respected, andboth parties feel empowered.
When imbalanced or bullied, onepartner dominates and you're

(07:29):
silenced or made to feel small.
If you feel like you must earnlove by pleasing or complying,
your freedom is restricted orcriticized, joy disappears and
jokes become mockery, you walkon eggshells, have doubt, are
confused or anticipate yourpartner's reactions, or your

(07:52):
partner dominates and you'resilenced or made to feel small.
If these things feel morefamiliar, your nervous system
has likely adapted to surviveand not thrive.
Because your nervous system isyour silent protector.
It's your body's built-in safetyscanner.

(08:13):
It constantly asks, Am I safe oram I in danger?
When you feel completely lovedand supported, your body
relaxes, your breath slows, yourheart steadies, your shoulders
aren't tight, your neck doesn'thurt, you don't have headaches,
you don't feel tired andexhausted, your body supports

(08:37):
you.
That's your calm and connectedstate where love, trust, and joy
can grow.
When you're bullied, though,through criticism, control, or
fear, your system flips intoprotection mode.
You might freeze to avoidconflict.

(08:58):
You might fawn by apologizing orpleasing or dismissing your own
needs or your worth.
And you might stay hyper-alert,bracing for the next storm.
Over time, this becomes your newnormal.
Your body learns that survivalmatters more than happiness.

(09:19):
And it will start helping yousurvive until it just can't do
it anymore.
That's when you start noticingexhaustion, giving up or giving
in, feeling you have no choicebut to stay, and your body may
start failing in various ways.
Let's now talk about when yourbody mistakes bullying for love.

(09:41):
Between painful moments, a bullymight show affection, and your
brain releases oxytocin, whichis the bonding neurotransmitter,
and dopamine, which providesrelief.
That hot, cold cycle teachesyour body that reconnection

(10:01):
after pain feels like love.
It's not weakness, it's wiring,but it can be gently rewired.
Love is not supposed to hurt andthen heal.
It's meant to feel safe all theway through.
Let's now talk about making astand for yourself without

(10:21):
losing your heart.
Standing up for yourself doesn'tmean shouting or leaving
overnight.
It begins inside with truth,boundaries, and compassion for
yourself.
Number one, name what'shappening.
Saying to yourself, this isemotional bullying will break

(10:41):
denial and begins your healing.
Number two, pause beforereacting.
A deep breath will help yourbody feel safe enough to choose
instead of react.
Number three, reclaim yourvoice.
Speak calmly but firmly.

(11:02):
It hurts when you say that, or Iwon't be spoken to like this.
Number four, reconnect with yourneeds.
Take the sovereign relationshipneeds quiz to see which need
most requires care.
You can do that atneeds.drdarhawks.com.

(11:25):
Number five, build a circle ofsafety.
Talk with someone who truly seesand supports you.
And if you don't feelcomfortable talking with anyone
in your circle, hire work with aprofessional relationship and
communication coach and healer.
They can be your trusted sourcewhere you can open up and share

(11:50):
everything that's going on foryou.
Believe me, when you talk aboutwhat's happening, it will create
the space for you to find andthink of ways to heal and make
things better for yourself.
Number six, remember, compassionis not compliance.

(12:10):
You can be kind and strong atthe same time.
You don't have to go throughthis alone.
If you see yourself in thesewords, please know this.
You're not broken.
There's nothing wrong with you.
You're responding to a situationthat has eroded your sense of

(12:34):
safety, and I know you can heal.
When you work with me, we'llgently reconnect you to your
sovereign relationship needs anduse practical science-based
tools to calm your nervoussystem, strengthen your voice,
and restore emotional balancewithout blame or shame.

(12:55):
You'll learn subtlecommunication and energy
techniques that can de-escalatetension.
You'll learn body-basedawareness that keeps you
centered.
You'll learn healthy boundarylanguage that protects your
peace.
And you'll build empowermentfrom the inside out so you feel

(13:18):
steady and confident.
And you'll learn how totransform the buttons your
partner pushes to maintaincontrol.
Many of my clients find that asthey shift their energy,
language, and nervous systemresponses, the bullying behavior
often softens and can stop.

(13:40):
But most importantly, they stopfeeling powerless.
Healing doesn't begin when hechanges, it begins when you
remember your worth.
Let's transform yourrelationship from the inside
out.
You've spent so long trying tokeep the peace.
Now it's time to find innerpeace, the kind that changes

(14:01):
everything around you.
When you honor your ownsovereign needs, communication
becomes clearer, confidencegrows, and relationships begin
to heal from the inside out.
You don't have to leave tochange the story, but you do
have to begin with yourself.

(14:22):
Here's what I invite you to do.
First, take the sovereignrelationship needs quiz because
that starts with building yourawareness.
You can take the quiz atneeds.docdarhawks.com.
That's need.
That's needs.com.

(14:50):
Secondly, book a free discoverycall.
Let's talk about what'shappening and explore small
compassionate steps towardschange.
Work with me one-on-one.
Together we'll design a paththat restores your peace, power,
and sense of belonging.
You can schedule a freediscovery call or book a session

(15:11):
with me at contact.drhawks.com.
Thank you for your time and foryour listening.
I look forward to seeing you inthe quiz, in a discovery call,
or in a coaching session.
Please put yourself first foryour health and well being.