November 20, 2023 • 33 mins
My friend, Claudia, thought this would be a timely topic for many us, and it did not take me long to find an expert in the field of eldercare.
There can be many rewards for caring for ill or aging parents, a spouse, relative, or a special neighbor. It is truly a labor of love, but with that there can be some very challenging and trying moments that come with the territory of having this honor. The role requires patience, tenderness, selflessness, and hard work.
The emotional toll and physical stress of caregiving can lead to burnout and exhaustion, causing caregivers to put themselves and their own well-being in the background. How do we put aside the guilt, sadness, and isolation to be kind to ourselves and prioritize self-care?
Linda Abbit was a caregiver for more than 25 years. She, too, faced many of the same demands other caregivers experience. Many of us have aging family members, and Linda's work in the eldercare field and volunteering for the Alzheimer's Association, has provided her the wisdom and knowledge to help us all reduce stress, avoid burnout, and be a more relaxed caregiver.
Linda is the founder of Tender Loving Eldercare, and the author of the book The Conscious Caregiver: A Mindful Approach to Caring for Your Loved One Without Losing Yourself. She addresses the topics that are vital for anyone who is in the midst of this sometimes dramatic life change.
In this episode Lina Abbit and I discuss:
- Techniques for mindful communication with the person in our care
- What to do if siblings are not willing to help out and tips for doctor appointments
- How to keep daily self-care top of mind
- When to consider in-home care or assisted living
- What to do when the whole family is not on-board
- The dreaded end-of-life conversation
- The grieving process for the caregiver
- There are resources, so you don't have to go it alone
Resources:
Office on Aging
Alzheimer's Association
Google - Geriatric Care Managers in your area
You can find Linda Abbit at:
https://tenderlovingeldercare.com/
or on Facebook
She is available for speaking engagements locally or on Zoom.
Linda's book is available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.
_________________________________________
Are you ready to reclaim your midlife body and health? I went through my own personal journey through menopause, the struggle with midsection weight gain, and feeling run-down. Faster Way, a transformative six-week group program, set me on the path to sustainable change.
https://www.fasterwaycoach.com/?aid=MicheleFolan
Have questions about Faster Way? Please email me at:
mfolanfasterway@gmail.com
Sign up for Michele's weekly newsletter for more health and fitness tips and insights. https://michelefolanfasterway.myflodesk.com/i6i44jw4fq
RIMAN skincare finally gave me real, visible results—restoring my glow, firmness, and confidence in my skin at 61. RIMAN Korea's #1 Skincare Line - https://michelefolan.riman.com
*Transcripts are done with AI and may not be perfectly accurate.
**This podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of medicine, nursing, or other professional healthcare services, including the giving of medical advice. The content of this podcast is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Users should not disregard or delay in obtaining medical advice for any medical condition they may have and should seek the assistance of their healthcare professionals for any such conditions.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This particular podcast drops the week of
Thanksgiving, and that wasintentional.
If you host a big dinner thisweek, or maybe even during
Christmas, despite howexhausting it is, it can also be
very rewarding and a true laborof love.
There are lots of things inlife that I would term a labor
(00:23):
of love.
For many of us it either hasbeen or will be that time you
will care for an ill or agingparent, or maybe it's an aunt or
even a beloved neighbor.
It too can be exhausting, yet arewarding honor to be there for
that person who has been therefor us.
But I'm not going to sugarcoatit.
(00:45):
There can be some verychallenging and awful moments
too, but that can go with theterritory and the commitment.
The trick is not losingyourself in the process and
become so overwhelmed to thepoint of sacrificing your own
health and wellness.
My dear friend Claudiasuggested this topic and it took
(01:07):
all of two clicks in Google tofind an expert to take us
through what she defines as theconscious caregiver and during
this week centered on family andbeing thankful.
I think this is a perfectdiscussion to have Health,
(01:31):
wellness, fitness, relationshipsand everything in between.
We're removing the taboo fromwhat really matters in midlife.
I'm your host, michelle Fohlen,and this is Asking for a Friend
.
Welcome to Asking for a Friendeveryone.
(01:52):
Our guest today is a keynotespeaker, media expert and author
of the book the ConsciousCaregiver a mindful approach to
caring for your loved onewithout losing yourself.
Linda Abbitt was a caregiverfor over 25 years and she, too,
faced many of the questions andchallenges other caregivers are
(02:13):
experiencing or may in thefuture.
Many of us have aging familymembers and Linda's work in the
elder care field andvolunteering for the Alzheimer's
Association has provided herthe wisdom and knowledge to help
us all reduce stress, avoidburnout and be a more relaxed
caregiver.
Welcome to Asking for a Friend,Linda Abbitt.
(02:36):
Hi, hi, thank you for having me.
Oh, I'm delighted to have youand I will say this topic was
suggested by a friend of mine.
I had asked for topic ideas andshe was the caregiver to both
of her parents and I think shethought you know what I wish?
I would have had some moreresources as I was going through
(02:59):
this process.
So I think very timely for manyof us.
But before we get started,linda, I would love for you to
tell the audience a little bitmore about you.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
Well, I was born and raised on Long Island, New York,
and had relatives out inCalifornia and once I got a
taste of the sunshine and warmweather when I was a child
visiting I grew up saying when Igrew up, I'm moving to
California, and so I did.
After college and grad school Imoved out here and have been
(03:30):
here ever since.
I do miss full foliage.
I don't miss the snow and theice and driving in it yeah, of
course not.
And I was lucky to be able tobe a stay at home mom.
And then I became a caregiver,for my parents were talking to a
little bit later, of course,through that experience I was
ahead of the curve.
(03:51):
I was 24 when I became acaregiver, technically, and most
of my friends are now in their50s, 60s, 70s being caregivers.
So when I started caregiving Istarted a blog because I love to
write and it was to write downthings I was learning, so my
friends wouldn't have toreinvent the wheel.
So I started the blog.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
Yeah, you were really young, you were 44, when all
this was happening with you.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
My parents were old enough to be my grandparents
because I was adopted and theywere in their middle 40s when
they adopted me.
There was a whole generationskipped there, so I cared for
them ahead of all of my friendsand I wanted to be able to share
what I was learning.
So the blog then was found bymy publisher online and they
were looking for a familycaregiver to write a book for
(04:39):
family caregivers, and I wasalso a volunteer support group
leader for the Alzheimer'sAssociation while I was
caregiving.
You learn as you go and I alsolearned from great resources
that were around me.
There weren't as many as thereare now and there certainly was
not online resources at thatpoint.
Speaker 1 (04:59):
No, absolutely not so , Linda, did your parents both
have Alzheimer's?
Speaker 2 (05:04):
Just my mom did.
She was diagnosed at 89 whenthey were living in Florida and
I was out here.
How did you do that?
Well, it started when I got aphone call from my dad and he
said Linda, the doctor says yourmom has Alzheimer's disease,
but shh, don't tell anybody,because back then, 25 years ago,
(05:28):
it was something to be ashamedof.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
Compared to now when there's so much more information
and resources for people whohave brain disease, dementia,
alzheimer's etc.
First I was just along-distance caregiver.
He was her primary caregiver,so I would fly back and forth.
And I was also a sandwichgeneration caregiver because my
son was nine years old when mymom was diagnosed.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
Oh my gosh.
So you had a ton on your plate.
How did you manage all thisemotionally?
Speaker 2 (06:02):
I'm an only child, so the only person I really had to
vent to was my husband and Ioften would come home and say
this is too much for one person,but I used the resources I had
I would vent to him.
My friends I also while I wascaring for my mom, which is
(06:23):
another I have to go back tothat story because they ended up
coming out here so I was a morehands-on caregiver then.
But I was also part of asix-cousin caregiving team and
we were caring for my aunt wholived in Manhattan, who had no
children and was a widow.
So I was also doing that.
Part of the time I was caringfor my mom.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
Oh, my word, were any of your cousins in the New York
area at the time?
Speaker 2 (06:53):
Nobody was.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
Nobody was no.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
And so, as a result of that, we would obviously take
trips.
Different ones of us, differentcombinations of us, would take
trips to help her, but we alsodid hire a geriatric care
manager, which I highlyrecommend.
Yes, it costs money, but it iswell worth it to have somebody
in that locale checking on yourloved one weekly, daily, being
(07:20):
there for an emergency becausenone of us could get there
quickly enough.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
How do you find resources like that?
Linda Online now, yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:29):
Just Google geriatric care managers in my city and
there they come.
There's also office on agingacross the country and they have
a ton of resources.
Alzheimer's Association isacross the country.
They have a ton and most ofthese resources are free.
They won't charge you for them.
(07:49):
Oh really, alzheimer'sAssociation has daycare centers,
workshops for caregivers,support groups, tons of
education.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
I'm going to put this in the show notes because I bet
a lot of people don't know thatthese resources are available,
because I can only imagine thereare a lot of people out there
right now that are really justtrying to sweat this out on
their own and they may not haveto do that.
For you, caring for your aunt,you had your cousins to balance
(08:26):
that, having your parents out inCalifornia, which is great, but
you were still on your own.
Did you feel sadness andisolation around this time?
Speaker 2 (08:41):
Definitely I think all caregivers feel like nobody
understands what I'm goingthrough, because nobody teaches
you how to be a caregiver whenyou're growing up, just like
nobody teaches you how to be awife or a mom.
It's definitely isolating andyou feel alone and a lot of
times your friends willdisappear because they're afraid
(09:01):
and they don't know how to dealwith it.
And some friends will rallyaround you and help, but other
people kind of run the other waybecause they don't want to face
the fact that they might behaving to deal with these same
issues as they get older.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
Right, and I guess you may feel a little guilty at
times, because you may feel likeyou want to be somewhere else.
You're missing the parties.
You may be missing the girls'trips, those types of things
that you would normally be ableto participate in.
What do you tell people havingbeen through this journey?
(09:36):
How do you get them over?
That I'm missing everything.
My life's passing me by rightnow because I am committed to
this.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
You're absolutely right.
Caregivers feel guilty evenwhen they're caregiving, because
they feel like I'm not doingthe best job I can.
Caregiving is one of the mostchallenging roles you'll ever
have and I say it's okay andimportant to acknowledge those
negative feelings, but also tolimit them, Feel them, but then
(10:09):
you have to go on with your day.
You can't just follow in it,and the one way I did it was I
allowed myself to have a pityparty each day if I needed it or
whenever I needed it, but fiveto ten minutes and get it all
out, whether that's talking to afriend or crying, or going in
your car, rolling up the windowsand screaming, whatever works.
(10:30):
Get it all out and then youhave to go on with your day.
On the flip side, caregivinghas many beautiful moments too,
and I am grateful that I had thechance to be a caregiver.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
Yeah, that is time you don't get back and so, as
stressful as it can be at times,we really do cherish those
moments that we do get to spendwith our parents, or it could be
another loved one.
You talk about mindfultechniques to communicate with
(11:03):
the person in your care, and Iprobably struggled with this,
and let me tell you why.
My mom was sick for a while andthere came that time when we
were going to have to do hospiceand I didn't want to tell my
mom that we were going to starthospice.
(11:26):
I never said those words to her, I just assumed she knew I
couldn't bring myself to thatand I'm curious around
communication.
How much should we be sharingwith the person in our care?
Speaker 2 (11:41):
I think you were being kind by not telling her
honestly there's noone-size-fits-all answer about
how much you should share withyour loved one, because every
person is different and everyfamily is different but I think
you were being kind by notsaying those words.
I didn't either, but of coursemy mom was cognitively not able
(12:03):
to understand that.
I just think you were beingkind.
As much as I am also all aboutcommunicating with our loved
ones and our family team members.
I think it's not necessary toalways tell everybody everything
.
I had to make a decision likethat too.
When my dad passed away, my momwas in a small boarding care
(12:25):
home, or residential carefacility is the new word for it.
I didn't see her for a weekafter my dad died.
He died first, which is oftenwhat happens the caregiver dies
before the care recipient.
So I didn't see her for a week.
That's OK, I've got to go back.
They were in two differenthomes because my mom was way
(12:46):
more declined than my father.
I would pick my dad up two orthree times a week and we'd
visit my mom for the afternoonor evening or whatever the
occasion was, and I didn't thinkit was kind to tell my mom that
my dad had died.
Because I didn't know she'd beable to hold on to that
information and if she did itwould just make her so sad.
(13:09):
They were married over 65 yearswhen she was diagnosed.
So when I walked in I justcould tell she didn't notice
that my dad wasn't with me, shejust was, her face lit up, she
was happy to see me, and that'swhen I knew.
Don't tell her, because even ifshe could hang on to the
information a little bit, shemight say where's dad, and the
(13:32):
next time where's dad?
And the next time where's dad?
And why recreate that pain overand over and over for her?
Speaker 1 (13:41):
Oh, that's such great advice.
I love that.
Now, on the same topic ofcommunication, this did not
happen to me, so I want to makethis very clear in case any of
my siblings are listening tothis podcast.
I'm not calling anyone outLinda, Gail, David but what if
your siblings are not willing tohelp or provide relief for you?
(14:06):
You're not alone, because Iknow this happens all the time,
linda.
Speaker 2 (14:11):
I know from other people that have told me yes, I
was going to say that I hearthat over and over again.
My brother won't help, mysister won't help.
You can't force someone to takeon that responsibility.
It's also their loss as far asI'm concerned, but that's
another earth topic.
Instead of trying to forcesomebody to do something they
(14:33):
don't want to do, just let it goand find somebody else to step
in their place, such as in-lawslike son-in-laws,
daughters-in-laws, cousins,neighbors, friends, support
group members.
You do need a caregiving team,because no one person can do it
all themselves.
But I really don't think yourenergy is well spent trying to
(14:56):
force somebody to do somethingthey're just not wanting to do
or able to do.
Right.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
What about tips on doctor's appointments?
Speaker 2 (15:07):
I suggest starting to go to doctor's appointments as
early as possible, even beforethey start declining.
If they'll allow you to go andbe prepared.
I even do this now write downyour questions and have them in
your hand before you go in there, so that you don't forget to
ask anything important.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
Should we take notes during the weeks prior to the
doctor's appointment just tomaybe call out certain things
that we're starting to see,maybe their behavior or symptoms
that we might be seeing?
Speaker 2 (15:38):
Definitely.
I was just going to say takenotes in between visits of
anything that catches your eyeor that you feel is important to
bring up.
At the same time, let thedoctor and your parent have that
relationship.
Don't talk to the doctor as ifthey're not in the room or don't
let the doctor talk to you asif they're not in the room.
Have that respect and, as longas they're cognitively able,
(16:01):
it's their relationship with thedoctor.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
I know You're probably thinking okay, why is
she laughing?
Because before I was going tothe doctor's appointments with
my mom, I would call her afterher doctor's appointment and I'd
say how did it go?
What did you all talk about?
Oh, it was fine.
And I said what did he say?
Oh, he said I'm fine.
(16:29):
And I'm like that's bullshit.
I know that's true, exactly,exactly.
Because she needed to writestuff down, because her memory
wasn't great, right, and oh myGod.
So then we had to start goingto appointments with her.
Speaker 2 (16:44):
So I started laughing .
I was going to say take notesduring the appointment and then
review it with your parent andsay this is what the doctor said
yeah, this is what you have todo, and a lot of times I mean
people shut down when they hearsomething scary.
The doctor says and they're notgoing to hear everything,
honestly, that they're tellingthem.
(17:04):
So it's really important tohave another set of ears and a
note taker there.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
And it's assuming that your parent can really hear
.
That's the other part of this,too.
If you have a parent thatreally needs hearing aids and
they won't wear them, that's theend.
Am I sharing too much about myown journey?
Speaker 2 (17:22):
No, my mom wore hearing aids and luckily nothing
terrible happened, but becauseshe had Alzheimer's.
One day she took one out andshe thought it was a piece of
candy and popped it in her mouthand started chewing it.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
Oh no.
Speaker 2 (17:35):
That was the end of her hearing aids.
We did not let her use themagain.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
Oh, dear, yeah you know, but oh well, I'm sorry to
hear that.
Okay, back to the caregiver.
Yes, you say that self care isnot selfish.
How do you suggest we practiceself care each day when you feel
like you are on 24?
Speaker 2 (18:00):
care is vital for a caregiver, even though it's
against our basic instinct toalways be helping others.
Caregivers often losethemselves in the shuffle of our
busy day, but if they have tothink about if something happens
to them, then what will theirloved one do?
Who will care for them?
So that's why self care is notselfish, it's part of caregiving
(18:22):
.
Each person will have their ownway of self care because every
one of us is different and haveour own interests and hobbies
and likes.
But in my book I suggest makinga happiness list where L, I S,
T is an acronym for likes,interests and satisfying things,
(18:43):
things that bring usfulfillment.
So spend a few minutes and sitdown and write five or 10 things
that you used to maybe do as akid, that you've gotten away
from, or something that you losetrack of time while you're
doing.
Rediscover or continue withpassions that you have and then
(19:04):
make just start with fiveminutes.
Self care can be done in themiddle of the day or at another
time, totally, but just startwith five minutes a day to treat
yourself to something that youlove doing and, yes, it might
have to be modified, but atleast connect with that thing
that gives you enjoyment,fulfillment, relaxation, and if
(19:27):
you could just start with fiveminutes a day, I guarantee
you're going to want to increasethat and then try to put it in
many different parts of your day.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
As you say this, I think even if you're in a care
facility, they're visiting oryou can bring a yoga mat and
just throw your yoga mat downand do some stretching, and
there's things that I think wecan do, that we just have to be
kind of creative in a lot ofways, exactly.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
Yeah, it's amazing how creative you can get in
order to fit your passions inthe day.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
When we talk about the steady decline of someone's
health and we have to starthaving that conversation about a
move to some kind of a carefacility.
It's a huge decision.
How do you have thatconversation when you know it's
going to be met with greatresistance?
(20:24):
And again, this is what I'm myown.
We found the most lovely,absolutely posh retirement
places for my mom and she waslike hell, no, I'm not going
anywhere.
And we're like okay, you know,other than tying her to the top
(20:46):
of the car, there was no gettingher to do that.
How do you have thatconversation?
Because it does get met withresistance so often.
You have to take baby steps.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
It's not going to happen all in one conversation.
I'm sure you've found outthrough your own experience.
You need to talk to your lovedone, and also your siblings or
whoever else is on your careteam, to make the decision first
, without even telling yourparent yet, and then approaching
them with the idea you werenever able to and that happens
(21:20):
Sometimes.
You're not ever able to moveyour loved one to a facility and
you just have to then bring incare.
But baby steps.
For example, if your mom hadhad somebody that moved into
this beautiful retirementcommunity, maybe just have them
go visit and just see it.
Nothing about a tour, nothingabout would you like to live
here, just introduce it.
(21:42):
Just introduce it as oh wow,did you know that this place
even existed?
Speaker 1 (21:46):
Oh, she had one of her best friends living there.
Oh, I didn't even matter.
I'm telling you my mom wasawesome, but she was stubborn,
let's just face it.
She was a lovely woman though.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
This points out.
So everyone's journey isdifferent.
My parents were the opposite.
They never wanted to live withus.
Even when they moved toCalifornia they spent about
three weeks here, but then theytold me my dad said he called me
from Florida and he said we'removing, find us a place.
It was never like we want tocome live with you.
They were the opposite.
Oh really, it's just,everybody's journey is different
(22:23):
.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
Yeah, my dad would have lived with me.
Now, my mom, she wanted to beindependent.
But my dad would be like, yeah,I'll move him with him.
What if everybody's got thatone sibling that has to throw a
monkey wrench into everything?
So what if you have that onesibling that says, no, I don't
think we should do a carefacility.
(22:44):
That's going to cost too muchmoney.
They can stay at home.
Because I know this happenedwith a friend of mine.
Everybody was in agreement, butthere was the one sibling that
said, no, we're not going tospend that money.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
That's a really tough one and they couldn't outvote
him or her.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
I think they did eventually, but you have to have
that conversation.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
Yes, you just have to be blunt and say is it safe for
mom or dad to live at homealone anymore?
And I'm not just talking aboutphysical safety, cognitive
safety and emotional state.
Point out to that sibling wouldthey know what to do in case of
an emergency?
Are they still able to call 911and move quickly if they needed
(23:26):
to leave?
I mean, safety is the mainissue and I think somebody would
take pause with that if youpoint that out to them.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
That's a great point.
There is that dreadedconversation that we have to
have about end of life care andwishes.
When do we start to broach thatsubject with our loved ones?
Speaker 2 (23:52):
I recommend that you start doing it early in
caregiving, because what ifsomething happens and your loved
one can't communicate theirwishes to you?
And yes, they're very difficultto have, but really don't wait
until there's a health crisisand you don't know the
information.
It's really a gift if parentscould share what they want for
(24:16):
their funerals and burials withtheir children.
It'll result in way fewerregrets and much greater peace
of mind.
They're hard to have, but it'sso important to have.
Speaker 1 (24:28):
Do you have a checklist for the family to make
sure that they do cover off onall those details?
Speaker 2 (24:35):
Yes, I have a checklist in my book.
Speaker 1 (24:37):
Oh good, yes, Okay good.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
I have a whole chapter on advanced care
planning and I have a chapter ongrieving and what comes after
caregiving, plus all the otherbeginning parts of caregiving.
Speaker 1 (24:52):
Well, I was going to ask you that, linda.
So you had spent all this timecaring for your parents, and I
can imagine there being a hugevoid after loved ones pass away.
Did you have to kind of findyour passion and purpose again?
Speaker 2 (25:09):
You're absolutely right.
You spend a lot of time inenergy caregiving and then, when
their loved ones are gone,first of all you have to go
through the grieving process,which everybody does differently
, and I urge caregivers to begentle with yourselves.
Don't compare yourself to howsomebody else is grieving or how
long they're grieving.
Do what feels right for you andthen again, baby steps, do what
(25:34):
feels comfortable.
Some people jump back into workand social life, etc, etc.
And other people just need todo it a little at a time.
But some people take theirknowledge and experience and
volunteer or, in my case, Iactually became a staff member
at it's called Alzheimer'sFamily Center out here in
(25:54):
California and it's the onlyadult day health facility
designed specifically for peoplewith dementia and Alzheimer's
disease, and I became theircommunity outreach manager.
Because I had all thisknowledge and, aside from
writing my book, I wanted tohelp people, so I ended up
making a career out of it.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
Out of my experience.
Speaker 2 (26:15):
Whatever path the caregiver takes, they should
definitely keep pamperingyourself.
Do things that'll nurture yoursoul, your body, your spirit.
Speaker 1 (26:24):
As you were talking, I started thinking about women
our age are also losing spousesright now, and some of that same
advice I think holds true.
We're not just talking aboutparents or aunts or uncles.
We're talking, possibly, aspouse, that you're in that
caregiver role and you're havingto heal from not only just
(26:48):
being the caregiver but fromlosing your better half.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
Absolutely.
It's scary, yeah.
Even if you do it, it's.
Caring for a spouse iscompletely different than caring
for a parent, for obviousreasons.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
So when you counsel someone on caring for their
spouse, how is that conversationgoing to be different?
Speaker 2 (27:12):
Spouses often go into denial first.
When there's a diagnosis,children will jump online and
research and look up everythingand be ready to go and let's do
this, let's do that.
Very proactive Spouses, on theother hand, often not everybody,
but often go into a denialphase first and you have to face
that and get through that.
(27:35):
As hard as it is to watch yourparents decline, it's even
harder and scarier to see yourspouse decline and realize that
a lot of the dreams you had maynot be coming true.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
Yeah, probably that recovery process after that is
very individualized too.
When you feel like you're readyto get back out to life.
Do you have advice for thatperson as well?
Well, the same as what I saidbefore just be gentle with
yourself.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
Grieve as long as you need to.
When people start asking you todo things again, don't say no.
Push yourself to go, because ifyou say no, eventually those
invitations might dry up.
Unfortunately, I've had a lotof friends who have lost spouses
at young ages and they saidthere were probably 500 people
(28:25):
at the funeral and now I hearfrom five of them.
It's not that they didn't sayyes, as I was just saying, but a
lot of people just go away.
Speaker 1 (28:36):
Yeah, I was just doing some writing before you
and I got on to record and I wastalking about community.
I look at community andconnection as being one of those
pillars of self-care.
I think women are much betterat this.
Don't you agree aboutDefinitely?
(28:57):
Because I see a lot of men theyhave like just a couple friends
and they're good with that, butwomen continue to nurture and
find new friendships and thatsort of thing, and I have found
that even to be even moreprevalent with doing this
podcast.
It's been fantastic.
But I think just ensuring thatyou do keep those connections
(29:19):
alive, it's just important forour overall health, don't you
think?
Speaker 2 (29:24):
Definitely.
Even before COVID and we werequarantined, social isolation
was the newest public healthcrisis.
So making those connections andnurturing them are very
important.
Speaker 1 (29:36):
And you think about if you are that caregiver and
you're on call 24-7 and you aremissing out on those connections
.
Getting creative in how you dostay connected with people.
You know, have that friend overto where you are, Just have
them come for coffee, or can youwalk with me around the block
today, or I just.
(29:57):
You know I'm thinking of allthese things that they may seem
hard, but we've got to make thateasy for ourselves because the
self-care piece is so important.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
And I think because I was a younger caregiver and I
had the nine-year-old at thetime, I was involved with his
activities so that and I had ahusband who could step in if
need be so I could get away, andso I had that connection.
On the other, even though it'shard to be a sandwich generation
caregiver, you also have plusesof having that community.
Speaker 1 (30:26):
Absolutely Speaking of self-care, linda, so I've
been asking all my guests whatis one of your pillars of
self-care.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
For me it was an is dancing.
I always loved to dance andsince I did have a husband who
could cover for me, I was ableto start going to one time a
week dance classes through mycity parks and rec department
and it was swing dancing, lindyHop, east Coast Swing and so I
(30:57):
would go and take a lesson andthen do the social dance after
and I would dance.
And dancing is a greatself-care tool because you could
do it anywhere.
You could always turn on yourradio at home or, I guess,
spotify now yeah and dance.
You could just have a danceparty at your house and, by
yourself, just let it out.
(31:17):
Moving dancing is my passionand what I did for self-care.
Speaker 1 (31:23):
Linda, I can see you busting a move in your kitchen
while you're making dinner.
I can see it now Exactly.
Speaker 2 (31:32):
I really can and I was going to my son laugh at me,
but I don't care, that's allright.
Speaker 1 (31:38):
That's all right.
Oh, that's great.
What are you working on now?
Are you working on any otherprojects or speaking engagements
?
Speaker 2 (31:46):
Yes, I speak locally and also through Zoom on
anywhere in the nation On a lotof the topics we touched on
today.
I could go into further depthon those, and I'm also thinking
about writing a book forcaregivers to let them know
they're not alone, collectingcaregiver stories and what
caregivers have learned fromtheir experience.
(32:07):
So those are cooking right nowin my brain.
Speaker 1 (32:10):
Oh, and don't let them cook too long, ok, because
if we let them cook too longthen we don't do them.
I know I call this throwing itup over the fence.
So if you throw it up over thefence you can't go get the ball.
So now you have to write thebook, just so you know.
Speaker 2 (32:25):
OK.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
Yeah, it out there, that'll happen.
I'm holding you to it, linda.
Ok, linda, where can peoplefind you in your book?
I have a.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
Facebook page called Tender Loving Elder Care, but
the best place to find me is onmy website,
tenderlovingeldercarecom, and onit people can contact me with
questions.
They can buy my book.
Of course, I also continued myblog.
There's a way to get on myemail newsletter there and I
(32:53):
don't bombard people.
I send out my email newsletterevery couple of months with more
resources and ideas and thingsto help caregivers that are
either new or veteran caregiverssomewhere along their journey.
Speaker 1 (33:09):
Alrighty, and I will add that to the show notes as
well.
Linda Abbott, thank you forbeing on Asking for a Friend.
Thank you.
Follow Asking for a Friend onsocial media outlets and provide
a review and share this showwherever you get your podcasts.
(33:31):
Reviews and sharing help usgrow.
This particular podcast drops the week of
Thanksgiving, and that wasintentional.
If you host a big dinner thisweek, or maybe even during
Christmas, despite howexhausting it is, it can also be
very rewarding and a true laborof love.
There are lots of things inlife that I would term a labor
(00:23):
of love.
For many of us it either hasbeen or will be that time you
will care for an ill or agingparent, or maybe it's an aunt or
even a beloved neighbor.
It too can be exhausting, yet arewarding honor to be there for
that person who has been therefor us.
But I'm not going to sugarcoatit.
(00:45):
There can be some verychallenging and awful moments
too, but that can go with theterritory and the commitment.
The trick is not losingyourself in the process and
become so overwhelmed to thepoint of sacrificing your own
health and wellness.
My dear friend Claudiasuggested this topic and it took
(01:07):
all of two clicks in Google tofind an expert to take us
through what she defines as theconscious caregiver and during
this week centered on family andbeing thankful.
I think this is a perfectdiscussion to have Health,
(01:31):
wellness, fitness, relationshipsand everything in between.
We're removing the taboo fromwhat really matters in midlife.
I'm your host, michelle Fohlen,and this is Asking for a Friend
.
Welcome to Asking for a Friendeveryone.
(01:52):
Our guest today is a keynotespeaker, media expert and author
of the book the ConsciousCaregiver a mindful approach to
caring for your loved onewithout losing yourself.
Linda Abbitt was a caregiverfor over 25 years and she, too,
faced many of the questions andchallenges other caregivers are
(02:13):
experiencing or may in thefuture.
Many of us have aging familymembers and Linda's work in the
elder care field andvolunteering for the Alzheimer's
Association has provided herthe wisdom and knowledge to help
us all reduce stress, avoidburnout and be a more relaxed
caregiver.
Welcome to Asking for a Friend,Linda Abbitt.
(02:36):
Hi, hi, thank you for having me.
Oh, I'm delighted to have youand I will say this topic was
suggested by a friend of mine.
I had asked for topic ideas andshe was the caregiver to both
of her parents and I think shethought you know what I wish?
I would have had some moreresources as I was going through
(02:59):
this process.
So I think very timely for manyof us.
But before we get started,linda, I would love for you to
tell the audience a little bitmore about you.
Speaker 2 (03:10):
Well, I was born and raised on Long Island, New York,
and had relatives out inCalifornia and once I got a
taste of the sunshine and warmweather when I was a child
visiting I grew up saying when Igrew up, I'm moving to
California, and so I did.
After college and grad school Imoved out here and have been
(03:30):
here ever since.
I do miss full foliage.
I don't miss the snow and theice and driving in it yeah, of
course not.
And I was lucky to be able tobe a stay at home mom.
And then I became a caregiver,for my parents were talking to a
little bit later, of course,through that experience I was
ahead of the curve.
(03:51):
I was 24 when I became acaregiver, technically, and most
of my friends are now in their50s, 60s, 70s being caregivers.
So when I started caregiving Istarted a blog because I love to
write and it was to write downthings I was learning, so my
friends wouldn't have toreinvent the wheel.
So I started the blog.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
Yeah, you were really young, you were 44, when all
this was happening with you.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
My parents were old enough to be my grandparents
because I was adopted and theywere in their middle 40s when
they adopted me.
There was a whole generationskipped there, so I cared for
them ahead of all of my friendsand I wanted to be able to share
what I was learning.
So the blog then was found bymy publisher online and they
were looking for a familycaregiver to write a book for
(04:39):
family caregivers, and I wasalso a volunteer support group
leader for the Alzheimer'sAssociation while I was
caregiving.
You learn as you go and I alsolearned from great resources
that were around me.
There weren't as many as thereare now and there certainly was
not online resources at thatpoint.
Speaker 1 (04:59):
No, absolutely not so , Linda, did your parents both
have Alzheimer's?
Speaker 2 (05:04):
Just my mom did.
She was diagnosed at 89 whenthey were living in Florida and
I was out here.
How did you do that?
Well, it started when I got aphone call from my dad and he
said Linda, the doctor says yourmom has Alzheimer's disease,
but shh, don't tell anybody,because back then, 25 years ago,
(05:28):
it was something to be ashamedof.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
Compared to now when there's so much more information
and resources for people whohave brain disease, dementia,
alzheimer's etc.
First I was just along-distance caregiver.
He was her primary caregiver,so I would fly back and forth.
And I was also a sandwichgeneration caregiver because my
son was nine years old when mymom was diagnosed.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
Oh my gosh.
So you had a ton on your plate.
How did you manage all thisemotionally?
Speaker 2 (06:02):
I'm an only child, so the only person I really had to
vent to was my husband and Ioften would come home and say
this is too much for one person,but I used the resources I had
I would vent to him.
My friends I also while I wascaring for my mom, which is
(06:23):
another I have to go back tothat story because they ended up
coming out here so I was a morehands-on caregiver then.
But I was also part of asix-cousin caregiving team and
we were caring for my aunt wholived in Manhattan, who had no
children and was a widow.
So I was also doing that.
Part of the time I was caringfor my mom.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
Oh, my word, were any of your cousins in the New York
area at the time?
Speaker 2 (06:53):
Nobody was.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
Nobody was no.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
And so, as a result of that, we would obviously take
trips.
Different ones of us, differentcombinations of us, would take
trips to help her, but we alsodid hire a geriatric care
manager, which I highlyrecommend.
Yes, it costs money, but it iswell worth it to have somebody
in that locale checking on yourloved one weekly, daily, being
(07:20):
there for an emergency becausenone of us could get there
quickly enough.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
How do you find resources like that?
Linda Online now, yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:29):
Just Google geriatric care managers in my city and
there they come.
There's also office on agingacross the country and they have
a ton of resources.
Alzheimer's Association isacross the country.
They have a ton and most ofthese resources are free.
They won't charge you for them.
(07:49):
Oh really, alzheimer'sAssociation has daycare centers,
workshops for caregivers,support groups, tons of
education.
Speaker 1 (08:00):
I'm going to put this in the show notes because I bet
a lot of people don't know thatthese resources are available,
because I can only imagine thereare a lot of people out there
right now that are really justtrying to sweat this out on
their own and they may not haveto do that.
For you, caring for your aunt,you had your cousins to balance
(08:26):
that, having your parents out inCalifornia, which is great, but
you were still on your own.
Did you feel sadness andisolation around this time?
Speaker 2 (08:41):
Definitely I think all caregivers feel like nobody
understands what I'm goingthrough, because nobody teaches
you how to be a caregiver whenyou're growing up, just like
nobody teaches you how to be awife or a mom.
It's definitely isolating andyou feel alone and a lot of
times your friends willdisappear because they're afraid
(09:01):
and they don't know how to dealwith it.
And some friends will rallyaround you and help, but other
people kind of run the other waybecause they don't want to face
the fact that they might behaving to deal with these same
issues as they get older.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
Right, and I guess you may feel a little guilty at
times, because you may feel likeyou want to be somewhere else.
You're missing the parties.
You may be missing the girls'trips, those types of things
that you would normally be ableto participate in.
What do you tell people havingbeen through this journey?
(09:36):
How do you get them over?
That I'm missing everything.
My life's passing me by rightnow because I am committed to
this.
Speaker 2 (09:46):
You're absolutely right.
Caregivers feel guilty evenwhen they're caregiving, because
they feel like I'm not doingthe best job I can.
Caregiving is one of the mostchallenging roles you'll ever
have and I say it's okay andimportant to acknowledge those
negative feelings, but also tolimit them, Feel them, but then
(10:09):
you have to go on with your day.
You can't just follow in it,and the one way I did it was I
allowed myself to have a pityparty each day if I needed it or
whenever I needed it, but fiveto ten minutes and get it all
out, whether that's talking to afriend or crying, or going in
your car, rolling up the windowsand screaming, whatever works.
(10:30):
Get it all out and then youhave to go on with your day.
On the flip side, caregivinghas many beautiful moments too,
and I am grateful that I had thechance to be a caregiver.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
Yeah, that is time you don't get back and so, as
stressful as it can be at times,we really do cherish those
moments that we do get to spendwith our parents, or it could be
another loved one.
You talk about mindfultechniques to communicate with
(11:03):
the person in your care, and Iprobably struggled with this,
and let me tell you why.
My mom was sick for a while andthere came that time when we
were going to have to do hospiceand I didn't want to tell my
mom that we were going to starthospice.
(11:26):
I never said those words to her, I just assumed she knew I
couldn't bring myself to thatand I'm curious around
communication.
How much should we be sharingwith the person in our care?
Speaker 2 (11:41):
I think you were being kind by not telling her
honestly there's noone-size-fits-all answer about
how much you should share withyour loved one, because every
person is different and everyfamily is different but I think
you were being kind by notsaying those words.
I didn't either, but of coursemy mom was cognitively not able
(12:03):
to understand that.
I just think you were beingkind.
As much as I am also all aboutcommunicating with our loved
ones and our family team members.
I think it's not necessary toalways tell everybody everything
.
I had to make a decision likethat too.
When my dad passed away, my momwas in a small boarding care
(12:25):
home, or residential carefacility is the new word for it.
I didn't see her for a weekafter my dad died.
He died first, which is oftenwhat happens the caregiver dies
before the care recipient.
So I didn't see her for a week.
That's OK, I've got to go back.
They were in two differenthomes because my mom was way
(12:46):
more declined than my father.
I would pick my dad up two orthree times a week and we'd
visit my mom for the afternoonor evening or whatever the
occasion was, and I didn't thinkit was kind to tell my mom that
my dad had died.
Because I didn't know she'd beable to hold on to that
information and if she did itwould just make her so sad.
(13:09):
They were married over 65 yearswhen she was diagnosed.
So when I walked in I justcould tell she didn't notice
that my dad wasn't with me, shejust was, her face lit up, she
was happy to see me, and that'swhen I knew.
Don't tell her, because even ifshe could hang on to the
information a little bit, shemight say where's dad, and the
(13:32):
next time where's dad?
And the next time where's dad?
And why recreate that pain overand over and over for her?
Speaker 1 (13:41):
Oh, that's such great advice.
I love that.
Now, on the same topic ofcommunication, this did not
happen to me, so I want to makethis very clear in case any of
my siblings are listening tothis podcast.
I'm not calling anyone outLinda, Gail, David but what if
your siblings are not willing tohelp or provide relief for you?
(14:06):
You're not alone, because Iknow this happens all the time,
linda.
Speaker 2 (14:11):
I know from other people that have told me yes, I
was going to say that I hearthat over and over again.
My brother won't help, mysister won't help.
You can't force someone to takeon that responsibility.
It's also their loss as far asI'm concerned, but that's
another earth topic.
Instead of trying to forcesomebody to do something they
(14:33):
don't want to do, just let it goand find somebody else to step
in their place, such as in-lawslike son-in-laws,
daughters-in-laws, cousins,neighbors, friends, support
group members.
You do need a caregiving team,because no one person can do it
all themselves.
But I really don't think yourenergy is well spent trying to
(14:56):
force somebody to do somethingthey're just not wanting to do
or able to do.
Right.
Speaker 1 (15:03):
What about tips on doctor's appointments?
Speaker 2 (15:07):
I suggest starting to go to doctor's appointments as
early as possible, even beforethey start declining.
If they'll allow you to go andbe prepared.
I even do this now write downyour questions and have them in
your hand before you go in there, so that you don't forget to
ask anything important.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
Should we take notes during the weeks prior to the
doctor's appointment just tomaybe call out certain things
that we're starting to see,maybe their behavior or symptoms
that we might be seeing?
Speaker 2 (15:38):
Definitely.
I was just going to say takenotes in between visits of
anything that catches your eyeor that you feel is important to
bring up.
At the same time, let thedoctor and your parent have that
relationship.
Don't talk to the doctor as ifthey're not in the room or don't
let the doctor talk to you asif they're not in the room.
Have that respect and, as longas they're cognitively able,
(16:01):
it's their relationship with thedoctor.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
I know You're probably thinking okay, why is
she laughing?
Because before I was going tothe doctor's appointments with
my mom, I would call her afterher doctor's appointment and I'd
say how did it go?
What did you all talk about?
Oh, it was fine.
And I said what did he say?
Oh, he said I'm fine.
(16:29):
And I'm like that's bullshit.
I know that's true, exactly,exactly.
Because she needed to writestuff down, because her memory
wasn't great, right, and oh myGod.
So then we had to start goingto appointments with her.
Speaker 2 (16:44):
So I started laughing .
I was going to say take notesduring the appointment and then
review it with your parent andsay this is what the doctor said
yeah, this is what you have todo, and a lot of times I mean
people shut down when they hearsomething scary.
The doctor says and they're notgoing to hear everything,
honestly, that they're tellingthem.
(17:04):
So it's really important tohave another set of ears and a
note taker there.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
And it's assuming that your parent can really hear
.
That's the other part of this,too.
If you have a parent thatreally needs hearing aids and
they won't wear them, that's theend.
Am I sharing too much about myown journey?
Speaker 2 (17:22):
No, my mom wore hearing aids and luckily nothing
terrible happened, but becauseshe had Alzheimer's.
One day she took one out andshe thought it was a piece of
candy and popped it in her mouthand started chewing it.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
Oh no.
Speaker 2 (17:35):
That was the end of her hearing aids.
We did not let her use themagain.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
Oh, dear, yeah you know, but oh well, I'm sorry to
hear that.
Okay, back to the caregiver.
Yes, you say that self care isnot selfish.
How do you suggest we practiceself care each day when you feel
like you are on 24?
Speaker 2 (18:00):
care is vital for a caregiver, even though it's
against our basic instinct toalways be helping others.
Caregivers often losethemselves in the shuffle of our
busy day, but if they have tothink about if something happens
to them, then what will theirloved one do?
Who will care for them?
So that's why self care is notselfish, it's part of caregiving
(18:22):
.
Each person will have their ownway of self care because every
one of us is different and haveour own interests and hobbies
and likes.
But in my book I suggest makinga happiness list where L, I S,
T is an acronym for likes,interests and satisfying things,
(18:43):
things that bring usfulfillment.
So spend a few minutes and sitdown and write five or 10 things
that you used to maybe do as akid, that you've gotten away
from, or something that you losetrack of time while you're
doing.
Rediscover or continue withpassions that you have and then
(19:04):
make just start with fiveminutes.
Self care can be done in themiddle of the day or at another
time, totally, but just startwith five minutes a day to treat
yourself to something that youlove doing and, yes, it might
have to be modified, but atleast connect with that thing
that gives you enjoyment,fulfillment, relaxation, and if
(19:27):
you could just start with fiveminutes a day, I guarantee
you're going to want to increasethat and then try to put it in
many different parts of your day.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
As you say this, I think even if you're in a care
facility, they're visiting oryou can bring a yoga mat and
just throw your yoga mat downand do some stretching, and
there's things that I think wecan do, that we just have to be
kind of creative in a lot ofways, exactly.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
Yeah, it's amazing how creative you can get in
order to fit your passions inthe day.
Speaker 1 (20:04):
When we talk about the steady decline of someone's
health and we have to starthaving that conversation about a
move to some kind of a carefacility.
It's a huge decision.
How do you have thatconversation when you know it's
going to be met with greatresistance?
(20:24):
And again, this is what I'm myown.
We found the most lovely,absolutely posh retirement
places for my mom and she waslike hell, no, I'm not going
anywhere.
And we're like okay, you know,other than tying her to the top
(20:46):
of the car, there was no gettingher to do that.
How do you have thatconversation?
Because it does get met withresistance so often.
You have to take baby steps.
Speaker 2 (20:58):
It's not going to happen all in one conversation.
I'm sure you've found outthrough your own experience.
You need to talk to your lovedone, and also your siblings or
whoever else is on your careteam, to make the decision first
, without even telling yourparent yet, and then approaching
them with the idea you werenever able to and that happens
(21:20):
Sometimes.
You're not ever able to moveyour loved one to a facility and
you just have to then bring incare.
But baby steps.
For example, if your mom hadhad somebody that moved into
this beautiful retirementcommunity, maybe just have them
go visit and just see it.
Nothing about a tour, nothingabout would you like to live
here, just introduce it.
(21:42):
Just introduce it as oh wow,did you know that this place
even existed?
Speaker 1 (21:46):
Oh, she had one of her best friends living there.
Oh, I didn't even matter.
I'm telling you my mom wasawesome, but she was stubborn,
let's just face it.
She was a lovely woman though.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
This points out.
So everyone's journey isdifferent.
My parents were the opposite.
They never wanted to live withus.
Even when they moved toCalifornia they spent about
three weeks here, but then theytold me my dad said he called me
from Florida and he said we'removing, find us a place.
It was never like we want tocome live with you.
They were the opposite.
Oh really, it's just,everybody's journey is different
(22:23):
.
Speaker 1 (22:23):
Yeah, my dad would have lived with me.
Now, my mom, she wanted to beindependent.
But my dad would be like, yeah,I'll move him with him.
What if everybody's got thatone sibling that has to throw a
monkey wrench into everything?
So what if you have that onesibling that says, no, I don't
think we should do a carefacility.
(22:44):
That's going to cost too muchmoney.
They can stay at home.
Because I know this happenedwith a friend of mine.
Everybody was in agreement, butthere was the one sibling that
said, no, we're not going tospend that money.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
That's a really tough one and they couldn't outvote
him or her.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
I think they did eventually, but you have to have
that conversation.
Speaker 2 (23:05):
Yes, you just have to be blunt and say is it safe for
mom or dad to live at homealone anymore?
And I'm not just talking aboutphysical safety, cognitive
safety and emotional state.
Point out to that sibling wouldthey know what to do in case of
an emergency?
Are they still able to call 911and move quickly if they needed
(23:26):
to leave?
I mean, safety is the mainissue and I think somebody would
take pause with that if youpoint that out to them.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
That's a great point.
There is that dreadedconversation that we have to
have about end of life care andwishes.
When do we start to broach thatsubject with our loved ones?
Speaker 2 (23:52):
I recommend that you start doing it early in
caregiving, because what ifsomething happens and your loved
one can't communicate theirwishes to you?
And yes, they're very difficultto have, but really don't wait
until there's a health crisisand you don't know the
information.
It's really a gift if parentscould share what they want for
(24:16):
their funerals and burials withtheir children.
It'll result in way fewerregrets and much greater peace
of mind.
They're hard to have, but it'sso important to have.
Speaker 1 (24:28):
Do you have a checklist for the family to make
sure that they do cover off onall those details?
Speaker 2 (24:35):
Yes, I have a checklist in my book.
Speaker 1 (24:37):
Oh good, yes, Okay good.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
I have a whole chapter on advanced care
planning and I have a chapter ongrieving and what comes after
caregiving, plus all the otherbeginning parts of caregiving.
Speaker 1 (24:52):
Well, I was going to ask you that, linda.
So you had spent all this timecaring for your parents, and I
can imagine there being a hugevoid after loved ones pass away.
Did you have to kind of findyour passion and purpose again?
Speaker 2 (25:09):
You're absolutely right.
You spend a lot of time inenergy caregiving and then, when
their loved ones are gone,first of all you have to go
through the grieving process,which everybody does differently
, and I urge caregivers to begentle with yourselves.
Don't compare yourself to howsomebody else is grieving or how
long they're grieving.
Do what feels right for you andthen again, baby steps, do what
(25:34):
feels comfortable.
Some people jump back into workand social life, etc, etc.
And other people just need todo it a little at a time.
But some people take theirknowledge and experience and
volunteer or, in my case, Iactually became a staff member
at it's called Alzheimer'sFamily Center out here in
(25:54):
California and it's the onlyadult day health facility
designed specifically for peoplewith dementia and Alzheimer's
disease, and I became theircommunity outreach manager.
Because I had all thisknowledge and, aside from
writing my book, I wanted tohelp people, so I ended up
making a career out of it.
Speaker 1 (26:12):
Out of my experience.
Speaker 2 (26:15):
Whatever path the caregiver takes, they should
definitely keep pamperingyourself.
Do things that'll nurture yoursoul, your body, your spirit.
Speaker 1 (26:24):
As you were talking, I started thinking about women
our age are also losing spousesright now, and some of that same
advice I think holds true.
We're not just talking aboutparents or aunts or uncles.
We're talking, possibly, aspouse, that you're in that
caregiver role and you're havingto heal from not only just
(26:48):
being the caregiver but fromlosing your better half.
Speaker 2 (26:54):
Absolutely.
It's scary, yeah.
Even if you do it, it's.
Caring for a spouse iscompletely different than caring
for a parent, for obviousreasons.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
So when you counsel someone on caring for their
spouse, how is that conversationgoing to be different?
Speaker 2 (27:12):
Spouses often go into denial first.
When there's a diagnosis,children will jump online and
research and look up everythingand be ready to go and let's do
this, let's do that.
Very proactive Spouses, on theother hand, often not everybody,
but often go into a denialphase first and you have to face
that and get through that.
(27:35):
As hard as it is to watch yourparents decline, it's even
harder and scarier to see yourspouse decline and realize that
a lot of the dreams you had maynot be coming true.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
Yeah, probably that recovery process after that is
very individualized too.
When you feel like you're readyto get back out to life.
Do you have advice for thatperson as well?
Well, the same as what I saidbefore just be gentle with
yourself.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
Grieve as long as you need to.
When people start asking you todo things again, don't say no.
Push yourself to go, because ifyou say no, eventually those
invitations might dry up.
Unfortunately, I've had a lotof friends who have lost spouses
at young ages and they saidthere were probably 500 people
(28:25):
at the funeral and now I hearfrom five of them.
It's not that they didn't sayyes, as I was just saying, but a
lot of people just go away.
Speaker 1 (28:36):
Yeah, I was just doing some writing before you
and I got on to record and I wastalking about community.
I look at community andconnection as being one of those
pillars of self-care.
I think women are much betterat this.
Don't you agree aboutDefinitely?
(28:57):
Because I see a lot of men theyhave like just a couple friends
and they're good with that, butwomen continue to nurture and
find new friendships and thatsort of thing, and I have found
that even to be even moreprevalent with doing this
podcast.
It's been fantastic.
But I think just ensuring thatyou do keep those connections
(29:19):
alive, it's just important forour overall health, don't you
think?
Speaker 2 (29:24):
Definitely.
Even before COVID and we werequarantined, social isolation
was the newest public healthcrisis.
So making those connections andnurturing them are very
important.
Speaker 1 (29:36):
And you think about if you are that caregiver and
you're on call 24-7 and you aremissing out on those connections
.
Getting creative in how you dostay connected with people.
You know, have that friend overto where you are, Just have
them come for coffee, or can youwalk with me around the block
today, or I just.
(29:57):
You know I'm thinking of allthese things that they may seem
hard, but we've got to make thateasy for ourselves because the
self-care piece is so important.
Speaker 2 (30:07):
And I think because I was a younger caregiver and I
had the nine-year-old at thetime, I was involved with his
activities so that and I had ahusband who could step in if
need be so I could get away, andso I had that connection.
On the other, even though it'shard to be a sandwich generation
caregiver, you also have plusesof having that community.
Speaker 1 (30:26):
Absolutely Speaking of self-care, linda, so I've
been asking all my guests whatis one of your pillars of
self-care.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
For me it was an is dancing.
I always loved to dance andsince I did have a husband who
could cover for me, I was ableto start going to one time a
week dance classes through mycity parks and rec department
and it was swing dancing, lindyHop, east Coast Swing and so I
(30:57):
would go and take a lesson andthen do the social dance after
and I would dance.
And dancing is a greatself-care tool because you could
do it anywhere.
You could always turn on yourradio at home or, I guess,
spotify now yeah and dance.
You could just have a danceparty at your house and, by
yourself, just let it out.
(31:17):
Moving dancing is my passionand what I did for self-care.
Speaker 1 (31:23):
Linda, I can see you busting a move in your kitchen
while you're making dinner.
I can see it now Exactly.
Speaker 2 (31:32):
I really can and I was going to my son laugh at me,
but I don't care, that's allright.
Speaker 1 (31:38):
That's all right.
Oh, that's great.
What are you working on now?
Are you working on any otherprojects or speaking engagements
?
Speaker 2 (31:46):
Yes, I speak locally and also through Zoom on
anywhere in the nation On a lotof the topics we touched on
today.
I could go into further depthon those, and I'm also thinking
about writing a book forcaregivers to let them know
they're not alone, collectingcaregiver stories and what
caregivers have learned fromtheir experience.
(32:07):
So those are cooking right nowin my brain.
Speaker 1 (32:10):
Oh, and don't let them cook too long, ok, because
if we let them cook too longthen we don't do them.
I know I call this throwing itup over the fence.
So if you throw it up over thefence you can't go get the ball.
So now you have to write thebook, just so you know.
Speaker 2 (32:25):
OK.
Speaker 1 (32:25):
Yeah, it out there, that'll happen.
I'm holding you to it, linda.
Ok, linda, where can peoplefind you in your book?
I have a.
Speaker 2 (32:32):
Facebook page called Tender Loving Elder Care, but
the best place to find me is onmy website,
tenderlovingeldercarecom, and onit people can contact me with
questions.
They can buy my book.
Of course, I also continued myblog.
There's a way to get on myemail newsletter there and I
(32:53):
don't bombard people.
I send out my email newsletterevery couple of months with more
resources and ideas and thingsto help caregivers that are
either new or veteran caregiverssomewhere along their journey.
Speaker 1 (33:09):
Alrighty, and I will add that to the show notes as
well.
Linda Abbott, thank you forbeing on Asking for a Friend.
Thank you.
Follow Asking for a Friend onsocial media outlets and provide
a review and share this showwherever you get your podcasts.
(33:31):
Reviews and sharing help usgrow.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Special Summer Offer: Exclusively on Apple Podcasts, try our Dateline Premium subscription completely free for one month! With Dateline Premium, you get every episode ad-free plus exclusive bonus content.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!