April 2, 2024 • 51 mins
Hey, Heartbreakers! We have a rather special and amazingly wholesome episode today with returning guest and Luvbites' one and only Dr. Tara. In a never-before-heard session, Elsa shares her mental health and relationships in a therapy session and can give anyone tips to more fulfilling relationships.
Do you have a burning question to ask the Heartbreakers? Call the Heartbreakers Hotline at (833) 566-5577, email us at Heartbreakers@strawhutmedia.com, or tweet us at @HBpodcastlive!
Are you struggling with ADHD and focus? Try out Heartbreakers’ sponsor EndeavorOTC! Endeavor is the world’s first FDA-approved non-prescription video game treatment for adults struggling to maintain focus, keep track of things like phones and keys, and finish tasks. In the clinical trial, 83% of participants saw clinical improvement in their ability to focus and 73% of participants reported quality of life improvements! Try out EndeavorOTC today!
Do you have a burning question to ask the Heartbreakers? Call the Heartbreakers Hotline at (833) 566-5577, email us at Heartbreakers@strawhutmedia.com, or tweet us at @HBpodcastlive!
Are you struggling with ADHD and focus? Try out Heartbreakers’ sponsor EndeavorOTC! Endeavor is the world’s first FDA-approved non-prescription video game treatment for adults struggling to maintain focus, keep track of things like phones and keys, and finish tasks. In the clinical trial, 83% of participants saw clinical improvement in their ability to focus and 73% of participants reported quality of life improvements! Try out EndeavorOTC today!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Straw media. Okay, Sath,how do you feel good? I actually
(00:23):
feel good. You know, Ilove therapy like and I love coaching because
I'm a mass You were so receptive, Like it was such a beautiful dialogue
to listen to. Like I wasliterally baited breadth the entire time. I
cannot wait for people to How doyou think people are going to react to
that? I'm working on myself andI need that text message that I have
to send. You always said itwas like at the moment you said,
(00:45):
I mean, I don't want togive too much way, but at the
moment you said, oh my god, that's going to deter some people.
Right away, I was thinking,well, there's one way to get rid
of yeah, which I am goingto use that as a way just to
get rid of the annoying ones.But to it might be scary people scary.
I was like, people's respond whatif someone just says okay, and
deep down I don't want to sayokay, okay, sounds good, have
(01:06):
like a good journey. That mightbe like a duck response, so many
layers to peel back, but likeit was so I mean authentic, and
I think that people will understand thatit was just I mean, it will
hit anything that authentic. I mean, Doctor tar is amazing. I want
to see where I'm aut in sixmonths, like I really do. I
want to see where I'm at andhow different i am, and even if
I'm not much different, just whereI'm at and like, yeah, if
(01:27):
I'm on the right path. Yeah, the self awareness that everything. Oh
my god, it felt really reallynice. You're next, I don't just
do it privately? Yeah yeah,all right, Well with that, to
go and enjoy this beautiful authentic episode. I think it's going to be a
resounding thank you for being so authenticand real. I hope so enjoy.
(01:56):
Hey guys, today I am withdoctor Terra again and he's actually going to
be doing a life coaching session withme. You're going to explain the difference
between coaching and therapy so they kindof know what's going on, right,
Yes, And I'm also glad thatyou told me that you've been in therapy
for a long time, because thisis not like about competition. It's not
about like is therapy better a coachingbetter? Like you need both because they
(02:19):
ultimately do different things to you andhelp you in different ways. So in
therapy, you learn from your pastright, and you learn the root causes
of things, and you learn whydo I feel this way currently? Why
do I have this behavioral patterns thatI do. Maybe it's patterns related to
not eating. Maybe it's patterns relatedto the people you date. Maybe it's
(02:39):
patterns related to how you negative selftalk yourself. Learning about the past is
very important. My job as acoach is assessing your current self. So
what do you bring to the table. Who are you now? What are
your traits, what are your characteristicsand what do you want to still shed
and what do you want to keepand floor as you move on as an
(03:00):
adult, and then help you basicallyset goals that are attainable goals. Whenever
my clients tell me goals that Iimmediately assess as unrealistic, I tell them.
And that's the difference between I thinkmore like traditional therapy and I call
myself a non traditional sex coach.I have a lot of non traditional methods
(03:23):
that I use in order to helpyou achieve your goals. And that's what
I want to focus on today.Yeah, I'm excited. I'm so happy.
I know. The last time Idid one of our episodes with you.
I was like, I just wantto do your one session with you.
And I always say I love yourYou're just so easy, like your
energy is just like you know,it's just it's nice. It's comforting.
(03:46):
Actually, I'm so grateful you saidthat. My clients have said the same,
that they feel like they can sayanything and literally anything in the world
and I would not judge them.And I've heard like the worst. I'm
sure and it's okay, and it'sokay, and my face doesn't change,
and the way I feel about youdoesn't change. I am here to help
(04:08):
you. Yeah, yeah, yes, want to get to it. Yeah,
let's do it. So this isour first coaching session. We've talked
before, and I've done some researchof you because you are a public figure,
so I do know already a littlebit about you. However, there
are so much more about you.I know one percent about you, right,
So since this is our first session, let's get to know each other.
(04:32):
I'll share briefly about me because it'snot about me, but I do
want you to feel comfortable where I'mcoming from, and then I want to
hear a lot more about you whereyou're from. What are some of the
things that you're working on and whereare you now? So as a sex
and relationship coach, I have aPhD, particularly in human communication, because
(04:55):
my practice focuses on how you interactwith other people and what that means for
you and how do you improve yourselfas the best communicator. I am married.
We're in a monogamish marriage, whichmeans that we do attend sex parties.
We may engage with other people,but we always do it together.
We're extremely open minded. I amextremely open minded and I'm always in a
(05:20):
curious mindset. I rarely judge peoplebased on what they like, what they
do, who they have been,who are who they are now. And
my purpose in life is to helppeople live the most sexually fulfilling life possible.
So that that's a little bit aboutme. Tell me if I ask
(05:43):
a general question, where are youfrom? I'm from Canton, Ohio,
the smaller city. Yeah, andI was raised by a single mom.
I have an older sister and ayounger sister. Tell me about being raised
by a single mom. You know, it was tough. It was.
It was a tough environment, especiallybecause my mom. There was three of
(06:06):
us, and my dad left whenI was seven, So we were very
young, and and yeah, Iwas just my mom struggled a lot,
and I witnessed a lot of that, trying to pay the bills, you
know, I watched her really strugglewith her mental state, being a single
mom. She never dated at allthe whole time. Not one boyfriend described
(06:29):
the mental state that you just mentioned. She was just insanely depressed, like
she would just lay on the couchfor a long time. And you know,
I know she struggled to yeah,to keep her mental stability enough to
parent us. Do you feel likethat has affected you now as an adult
that has worked on yourself through therapymany years. I think that it has
(06:51):
affected me financially where I'll I haveextreme anxiety about not having financial stability.
As for the mental like the mentalstability, I feel like I worry about
mine a lot. Like anytime Ifeel like I'm a little bit upset,
is this me developing like bipolar ordepression? Like it's a constant worry for
(07:15):
me. When you talk about financialstability, it makes a lot of sense.
Growing up with inconsistencies when it comesto resources, you never know what
you're going to get right because oflimited resources. And also inconsistent parenting due
to your mother being absent because ofher mental health state. How has all
(07:38):
of this affected you and your datinghistory? I mean my dating history has
been tragic. I've never had agood boyfriend. I don't think I've ever
dated anyone that's truly been in lovewith me. I don't think I have
ever even been in love myself.I think that I only know obsession.
(08:00):
My dating life is so tragic.Would you say you've had at least one
good relationship in the past, No, No, none. Out of how
many relationships have you had, I'vehad like four, like long term ish.
I've never dated past a year anda half. So a year and
a half has been the longest durationof your romantic relationship. Yes. Yeah.
(08:24):
When you say your love life hasbeen tragic, can you talk more
about that. I mean, I'vegotten myself into domestic violence relationships. It's
comfortable just one. All of themfelt like they were going towards that way,
but only one ended up that way, if that makes sense, like
a lot of them, all ofmy other ones, they were very verbally.
(08:46):
The one before that, he almostput his hands on me, And
so that's the reason why yeah,why I left him. So it does
get to be for whatever reason.So you have a pattern of dating control
men. Yes, since you've beenin therapy, I want to ask you
this, where do you think itcomes from? I think it comes from
(09:07):
my father. Of course, Ididn't realize until recently that my father has
the same tendencies. I don't know, you know, if I witness that,
I don't know. If it's justsome I don't know, but I
think that it comes definitely from myfather. And that's what you've learned about
him, because he left when youwere seven. Yes, and you've heard
from your mother or have you seenI haven't seen it. I just see
(09:31):
like police reports and staff of whathe's doing and where he's at. And
through your work of yourself so far, what's the conclusion of the reason why
you're dating your father? I don'tknow, actually I don't. Yeah,
I don't know what the conclusion is. With your sessions, do you talk
about these past relationships and how yougot into them and how you got out
(09:56):
of them. Yes, I lovegauging to see if we should talk about
that. I definitely have talked onhow I've gotten out of them. We
don't really talk about how I getinto them. For sure, you find
controlling men attractive, yes, Ido. I know that that's how you
get into them. Yeah, becausewhen they exhibit behaviors and personality of a
(10:18):
controlling person, potentially even narcissistic person, that attracts you. And usually people
that are attracted to men that havecontrolling behaviors, people who have low self
esteem. I'm sure. I meanthat's another thing that I'm learning, like
not to laugh at it, butI mean my self, estee, we
(10:39):
can that, we can definitely laughat it. We can laugh at ourselves.
You know, we're all flawed,we have something that we're working on,
and it's okay to laugh at it. Yeah, I mean, I
definitely have learned that I have hada low self esteem at times. I'm
not gonna honestly say at all times, but definitely I get into relationships when
I'm at my lowest of self esteemfor sure, that's when they do come
(11:01):
in. And like, that's yoursource of the ability to control your life.
Is allowing someone to control you,I know, and it gives you
some stability, yeah, something youcrave, like, oh no, I'm
in a downward spiral and I'm waitingfor a night on a white horse to
come save me. And here,here he is right exhibiting all these behaviors
(11:26):
that can help me feel more stable, but at the same time not in
a healthy way. Yeah, Iknow, no, I know it's getting
serious for me. That's why Iwas like, I got to really put
in work because my relations cannot endup worse, Like I just I can't
have that. What do you thinkis the source of your low self esteem?
(11:52):
I think I think it's been neverI never have had I never felt
grounded, and I think that ithas influenced people to feed stuff to me.
I think that I've had a lotof friends and family and exes that
purposely feed negativity to me. AndI like you could tell me like or
(12:13):
ask me, like what do likewhat do I bring to the table,
Like you said that earlier. Idon't. I can't list one thing to
you, like I don't know whatthat is about me where I just am
not aware of like my good qualities. And because of that, I think
that at the low self esteem comesfrom constant you know, belittling and constant
negativity. I mean, I wakeup every morning and the first thing is
(12:35):
is negativity online, negative text messages, friends saying negative things to me,
even just meeting up with them.I don't even think they realize they do
that to me, and it's hardto bring myself out of that. Wow.
Yeah, I want to commend youfor what you just said. You
know exactly why you have low selfesteem. You think, okay, maybe
(12:56):
I do. So, yes,you do have low self esteem, but
you have very high self awareness.And that's the very very big first step
of changing your life for the betterand completely turning it around where you know
the root cost of your main issue. Because self esteem, you know,
(13:16):
it's like a term that is thrownaround a lot, like oh, she
has low self esteem or he haslow self esteem, but it truly is
the foundation of how you are ableto live a fulfilling life and a non
toxic life. With low self esteem, we surround ourselves like what you just
(13:37):
said, We surround ourselves with negativityand not being in these negative echo chambers.
People keep pushing me down. Ican't seem to come up and get
air. Do you ever feel likethat? Sometimes? Yeah? Frequently,
yeah, yeah, I feel likeI'll be like getting like up there with
my self esteem and then someone willjust be like, well, you're not
(13:58):
that great anyways, and I'm like, that's what I'm trying to like,
you know, I just feel likepeople use me as a target for sure
to let off their steam. Everybodydoes. It's like, let me text
Sapphire and let my steam off.And I know that I don't know what
it is. I think I justsit there and listen and maybe I don't
know why with why, I'm justtake it on. Have you ever established
(14:20):
boundaries? Yes, and they're neverrespected by people that I've never had someone
respect boundaries before when I put themup and you continue to receive them to
so you're not enacting your boundaries.You have set them, yes, but
you don't follow through with your ownpersonal actions. No, I do,
And then I have to just cutthe people off. Like when I put
(14:41):
boundaries, people never just like ohokay, she put that boundary up.
Let me just respect that. Ihave to completely get rid of people.
That's hard too, that's a wholeother thing. That's a whole other thing.
Yeah, friend breakup, family breakup. It can be as hard,
if not harder than romantic breakups.So you said that you have set boundaries
(15:03):
and for some people, you havecut them off because they don't respect your
boundaries. You also said that thereare currently people in your life that feed
negativity on you. Is that true? It is? Okay, So why
does this happen? I think itcomes from people that I've been friends with
for a long time, and Iknow that I need to get rid of
(15:24):
them, and I just need torip the band aid off. I know
who the people are, that's theproblem. I know exactly. I could
tell like, there's so predictable.I can tell you exactly what they're going
to say and do to make mefeel bad about myself. And I also
get guilt tripped easy, like I'mvery empathetic. I think, yes,
(15:46):
and that's one amazing qualities. Thanks, when you just said I can't even
tell you one amazing quality about myselfwhen you ask me what I bring to
the table, that's one amazing qualities. That's like one thousand points. Yeah
things. There are a lot ofpsycho and unempathetic people in the world,
and to meet someone who's highly empathetic, it's a privilege. So when people
(16:08):
talk to you, they get totalk to you. That's a privilege.
It's an opportunity for them to interactwith someone so pleasant. Yeah, you're
right, Yeah, I get anego boost the exactly no, no kidding,
that is that is an amazing quality. Now, let's go along this
path of understanding your positive qualities becauseI understand that you know there are people
(16:34):
in your life that are toxic,that do not have good intentions for you,
and you need to cut them offif it's workable where you can have
open minded conversations about them about howour dynamic needs to change. Because I'm
not a big fan of just cancelculture. You know, people does one
thing wrong like fucker ghost like I'mnot about that. Yeah, I'm about
(16:56):
let's let's see if they're if it'sworth saving, and there are friendships and
family relationships in your life that areworth saving. If you have the opportunity
to have an open minded conversation,would you have that. I've tried actually
with the people, and it's likeit will go good for a couple of
months and then they'll still do somethingthat is upsetting. People have their own
(17:19):
issues. I think the ability totake people at their face value and be
able to connect on their good sideis a skill. But I completely one
hundred percent trust that you can developthis skill interact with people based on the
things that are flourishing for you rightto you. Are they fountains or are
(17:44):
they drains? We don't want tohang out with a lot of drains.
No, of course, right,we can have little moments of drains because
we're a good friend and we knowhow to support people. But no,
no, no no. If you'reconsistently a drain, you need to work
on yourself in order to be inmy circle. Is this something that resonating
with you. Absolutely. I thinkI also become friends with a lot of
(18:08):
people who don't have a lot offriends on top of it, and I
think I need to be more cautiousof that. That's a red flat.
Yeah, people who don't have manyfriends gravitate towards me, and then I
feel bad. I know that I'mtheir only like kind of friend or close
friend, and that's another thing whereI feel bad. I know this person's
a little bit like, Yeah,I worry, Like if I have conversations
(18:30):
with friends and I'm like, Idon't like what you're doing, and they
spiral a little bit, I'm like, why are you spiraling from me?
Like I don't get it. It'shard. You see what you just said,
Like how you are willing to befriends with people that have their friendship
issues. That's another thing. That'sanother positive thing about you. Kindness.
You're very kind. Yeah, you'reextremely kind. Not a lot of people
(18:53):
will put up with shit. Likeif there is a negative friend that is
like a negative Nancy, I eithertell them upfront or I just immediately disengage
because I know I don't have thecapacity. Maybe I need to do that.
There is a way to balance yourpersonal trait, which is a very
kind and empathetic person with a healthybehavior around friends. Now tell me one
(19:19):
thing. If you have to describea great friend in your life, what
are some of these qualities. Ithink that someone they would also have to
be kind and also be a compassionateperson. And I need friends that work
hard, like they have to beambitious people. And why is that I
(19:40):
need them to have goals? BecauseI can't have friends that just don't want
to do anything because they get intothe wrong type of environments from boredom because
you don't respect them. Yeah,because you don't respect them. You only
respect people that work hard. Inyour subjective evaluation, yeah, okay,
(20:00):
so now you know you like compassionatepeople that are kind as well that work
hard. Are there people that don'tmeet these three boxes in your life right
now? Absolutely get rid of them? Okay? Yeah, as easy as
taking an audit of what are themost important qualities in friendships for you and
create three boxes. People that don'tfit in these boxes? Sorry? And
(20:22):
what do I say when they constantlyhit me up and they're like, guilty
me into their life? Do Ijust not answer? Do it after I've
already explained to them too? Ilove this question. There are two ways
to go about this. One isjust to have an open and honest conversation
either on the phone or just textthem that like, hey, I'm working
I'm in an era of working onmyself right now and the fact that we
(20:48):
haven't and then kind of outlined acouple of things that has been disconnected between
you and them or something they've donewrong in your life, and then just
say like this is not currently servingmy situation and where I want to go.
I still love you and I encourageyou to also work on yourself.
Yeah, it's a very tough text. I've sent this to quite a few
(21:11):
people. I'm ready to send sometext. Yeah. I think there's so
much opportunity and goodness in your lifethat you just really shouldn't spend any time
with the people that are not inany way adding to your life. Yeah,
no, I know, I knowit's time. Yeah, and I'm
talking about friendships first because a lotof times that will feed into you finding
(21:34):
a healthy romantic partner. Yeah,because if you have toxic friends, you're
most likely not going to find healthyromantic partner. That makes sense. Yeah,
you know people that are emotionally andmentally healthy, that are ready to
date and fall in love. Maybethey interact with you and then realize like,
(21:55):
oh no, you're friends with allthese people. I don't want to
be in that crew. I know. I think about that also, Like
I when I go to maybe goingon dates with people, I actually pay
attention to who their friends are,and if their friends are not good people,
I won't date them because I've madeone mistake before where the friends were
not good and I saw that thatreally is I don't want people to think
(22:18):
that that's who I am exactly.Have you ever heard of the statement like
we are an average of the fivepeople we hang out with no. Yeah,
so think about that. Yeah,and the five people that you hang
out with the most, you're anaverage of that. Damn. Yeah,
I'm sorry to say that. Yeah, No, don't be sorry. You
say it, you claim it.It's okay, it's okay. You don't
(22:41):
have a great circle right now,that's okay. The most commendable thing right
now for you is honesty. Andthat's the third thing that I have said
so far of amazing qualities about you. So this is this is endless.
You're highly empathetic, you're very kind, You're very honest. These are honest.
(23:07):
Look at look at these things.Are these the things you require in
a lover? Absolutely, you havethem. You bring lots to the table.
So now that you know you arebringing a lot to the table,
that you're a huge catch, let'stalk about your romantic relationship. And so
(23:40):
you know you've been dating controlling man. You're highly aware that that's not something
you want to get into next.Right, what are you looking for then?
Next relationship? My last relationship?Is that what you're hoping for?
Yeah, for sure, I don'twant to I don't want to date and
keep breaking up. I want somethingvery long term, as long as term
(24:03):
as I can get. I mean, it's like I'm not looking right now,
but I know I'm just someone thatalways wants to be in love,
like I love being in love.Maybe that's why I change relationships so quickly.
I'm at an awkward period in mylife right now where I don't want
to have sex and that's not likeme, and I've been struggling with that,
(24:26):
and I don't know what I'm attractedto physically. I've only been really
attracted to like control one or two. Well physically too, you know,
yeah, controlling men. And Idon't know what I'm attracted to. I
don't want to have sex right now, but I also feel like I'm the
best, not that I don't feellike I'm there yet, but I do
(24:47):
feel a lot better about myself andwhere I'm at in life. So it's
it's a weird dynamic. There's eppsand flow when it comes to how we
engage in our own sexuality. Youknow, there could be a period of
time where you're having multiple orgasms,having sex, like in different crazy ways,
and then there will be a timewhere you're not having sex at all
(25:10):
and you're just rediscovering who you areand there will be a time where you're
having sex so deep and so connectedwith someone you truly, truly love,
maybe even you know, the fatherof your children, if that's something you're
looking forward too. So goes upand down just like this, like the
waves. That's the sex life.Right. Whenever I have a client that's
like, our sex life has beenlike this, I often ask them to
(25:33):
evaluate even closer. Has it reallybeen like this or has it been kind
of like this? Because people tendto dramatize their issues quite a little bit,
right, Yeah, I definitely do. And that's okay, let's talk
about let's talk about your thoughts onsex. I have a sense that you
(25:55):
don't want You feel like you don'twant to have sex right now because there
is an idea of a relationship ofsex and a negative outcome. Yeah.
I think sex is related to somethingnot good, and therefore I don't have
a desire to engage in it.I feel like sex for me results in
(26:15):
obsession. I have a really bigproblem with I'll sleep with somebody one time,
and they'll get when I talk aboutlike insanely obsessed. People will fly
drones over my home, they willstalk me, They will show up to
my place and these are people thatlike, I'm not that you know,
involved with, and it really hasI think it really has scared me.
(26:36):
They like I'm talking like next levelcrazy. I only get wow. Yeah,
So this is what people do toyou after you had sexual relations.
They'll obsessively call my phone and itwill be people that you would never expect,
like, you know, the peoplethat I feel like maybe are on
the same like wavelength as me anda lot of things, and they'll just
(26:59):
ob sensively call me. It getsYeah, but you know that's not about
the sex. Okay, what isit about their trade? It's their issues
that they have to work on.Maybe maybe sex it is like a button
for them, right, they alreadyhave these things, like these behaviors,
(27:23):
but maybe sex is a button whereyou press it and it triggers these behaviors.
But it doesn't mean like, oh, as long as I don't have
sex with them and maybe wait,it won't come out. It will.
It's inside. That's the thing about. That's the thing about when people say,
oh, I just I have afive date rule, right, I'm
(27:44):
gonna wait five dates and then I'mgonna have sex with him and then let's
say, you know, he turnsout to be to have these negative qualities,
like, oh, I wish Ididn't have sex with him. It's
not the sex, Like if hewas a good person, sex will only
enhance this relationship. He wasn't agood person, therefore you blame sex for
it. But he was never agood person. Because I've been doing also
(28:06):
the thing where I don't have sexwith people and I make them wait to
try to figure out if they're anobsessive person, and they'll still only show
it after the sex, you know, because I've been trying to do that
too, Like how do I figureit out without like triggery? You know,
But it's you're right, it's alwaysthe sex. It's interesting that you
just said that there are like quitea few of these like obsessive people,
(28:29):
and you date them and then evenif you wait and you have sex with
them and a triggers these like obsessivebehaviors. Perhaps the problem is the people
that you choose have these qualities already. That has nothing to do with sex.
This happens with like every different typeof person I've like when I tell
you the scale of people I've beenwith, like it's just you know,
I've tried every type of person,and I have the ones that come across
(28:53):
non controlling too. Sometimes they're morescary because it's so blond. Well yeah,
yeah, so I'm like, whatdo I how do I know that
someone's going to be crazy after Yeah, let's talk about that. So when
you decide to go on a datewith someone, what were some of the
(29:17):
reasons why, Like, let's say, like person number one, Like why
did you decide to go on adate with this person? I mean,
I've gone on dates with people becausethey're really into you. Yeah. They
either ask me as eager interest,yes, definitely, or there I'm curious
about them. It's someone I've neverbeen around, a lifestyle of never you
(29:38):
know what I mean, Like,and I get very like curious about people.
That's been a big reason on whyI go out with people. And
I maybe out of boredom, likeyou know, like sometimes I just I'm
like, I don't want to sitat home, so maybe and have fun.
Yeah, but then people get obsessedyeah with you. Afterwards, I
(30:00):
noticed that they're all heavy drinkers,and that's something I just now realized that
I got to stay away from peoplewho heavily drink. Look at that.
Yeah, you're already aware of thethings, the signs. Yeah, you
look past them. And that's apart of your problem, right, It's
a part of having low self esteem. Like I'll forgive people like people can
(30:21):
walk over me. That's fine.Yeah, And you know, building up
your self esteem it's a journey.And I can give you kind of different
exercises as we go along, andyou can text me to check in ones
every couple of weeks or once amonth to say, like where you're at.
But I'm going to give you differentexercises that you can do in order
(30:41):
to improve your self worth, knowingimmediately when people ask you, what do
you bring to the table? Oh? Lots have you seen me? I'm
sapphire and these are five amazing thingsabout me. I want you to get
there the space where you know exactlywhat you bring to the table. Yeah.
I want to get there too.Yeah I need that. And self
worth isn't isn't anything about like howmuch money one makes, how much one
(31:07):
weighs, what kind of house orcar one has. It's all about the
internal, all about these qualities thatI just said already, you're highly empathetic.
Right, You're very kind, andyou're very honest, and these are
already like the big three, right, So these are the things that you
bring to the table. And internallyyou are a very, very loving person.
(31:30):
But how you love is problematic.I know, due to the instability
of your childhood. You seek control, to control your life through controlling men
and by going on dates with thesepeople who you know, I think you
already know will become obsessive of youbecause you want validation with little self esteem,
(31:56):
Like why not go out, havefun, have people worship me?
Why not? That's fun. Iwant to be worshiped, right, who
doesn't, But that's the thing.You want to be worshiped by a healthy
partner, not these people that justsee you as an object. They want
to take you out. You're adoll that they take out and dress up
and dress up. And you knowall of these things already. Well,
(32:17):
I mean when you're speaking them,I'm like, yeah this, You're like
yeah, it's like it's clicking inmy brain, resting heart. Yeah it
is, because I this is myyear of like really trying to figure out
what I've done wrong, like seriouslyin friendships and relationships, It's really hindered
me in a lot of ways,and I don't want that anymore. It's
(32:38):
drained me. I was just tellingyou before we started, like people don't
understand what I went through last yearand the year before, Like it was
so hard for me. I lostmy hair, I lost like I've been
extremely underweight and I eating and Idon't just deal, you know with those
things. I deal with a loton top of it, and I can't
(32:58):
let my body go and who Iam go because of you know, these
hardships. I don't want that formyself. I got to stop. A
symptom of low self esteem is lackof self care, because low self esteem
means low self worth, and ifyou're not, if you have low self
esteem, you don't really take careof yourself, right, Like, yes,
(33:21):
you look amazing right now. Youput on makeup, you put on
beautiful hair, and you're a beautifulperson. You got good genetics, right,
But taking care of ourselves internally,that's what you've been neglecting. Yeah,
absolutely, by interacting with the toxicpeople, by going on dates that
you don't really mean to, youknow, see these people in a healthy
(33:43):
way. So you're almost like stabbingyourself slowly a little bit through all these
little interactions in your life, andlike you said, it hinders you from
flying. Yeah, it does,but you have all the qualities to fly.
I do just have to let goof all the heavy things I need
to I gotta start now. Yeah. Well, with your question of like,
(34:07):
how do I identify an obsessive person? Right, there are so many
signs. However, I do wantto acknowledge, Like, if you read
a Psychology Today article and it sayslike, here are the five signs of
an obsessive person, there will stillbe people that are so damn good at
hiding themselves that will trick you.Perhaps changing completely changing the way you date
(34:30):
might be better, I know.So when it comes to love, there
are multiple love styles, okay,and it sounds like your current love style
is ludic an. A ludic loveris obsessed with love. These are the
people people that tend to get veryattached, tend to love bomb. Well
(34:52):
I don't. That's another problem Ihave. I have really, I don't
want to get attached. No,I don't so attacked. Do you mean
like attached in to them? Yeah? I don't get attached to the people
like, I don't think I've everlike attached even the people that you've dated
for a year and a half,So you only play all the four people
(35:14):
that you've dated over a year,you've only played with them. Yeah,
and you do not get I don'tthink I've ever been actually attached. But
do you get time attached? Like, do you spend a lot of time
together? I do, yes,So that's the attach I'm talking about.
It's superficial, not like securely attached, not like so bond, but more
like spending a lot of time togetherbeing codependent. So a ludic lover.
(35:36):
People can have like tendencies of aludic lover because it's fun, Like it's
a playful person that maybe like enjoysbeing kinky and inviting sex in different ways.
But what I think would be reallyhelpful for you is actually learned to
love as a friend. And Iknow it doesn't sound spicy at all,
and you know from doctor Tara sexcoach, but I think learning how to
(36:00):
love as a friend and to startyour relationships as friends might be best.
Yeah. I mean that of coursethat's going to be the best thing,
you know. I just I dohave problems, like, like I was
already when you said friend, Iwas already getting annoyed. I'm not gonna
lie, and I don't even youknow what I mean. I don't even
(36:20):
have anybody in the head of thatin my mind where I'm like, oh,
yeah, I could be it's justa lot for like people are a
lot for me, Like people drainme emotionally, and for me to be
a friend and also have sex witha person sounds like a lot. So
not like that, not like friendswould benefits, okay, but establishing no
sex, no sex, okay,no sex at the beginning, and establishing
(36:43):
establishing a good friendship the way youdescribe a good friend in your life.
When I ask you what are thequalities of a great friend, I would
say, try to establish these qualitiesof a great friend and a lover.
First, what do I do ifI have problems with men not wanting to
be my friend because they they thatwould be really hard for me to get
a male friend. I'll be completelyhonest, like, maybe it's maybe it's
(37:07):
good. Maybe it's just yeah,if it comes easy, maybe that's not
good. Okay. So yeah,I mean, you're pretty or nice,
you're interesting, you're successful, there'sgonna be lots of bees around. Yeah,
there's gonna be lots of bees.It's quality over quantity. Of course.
Let's say there's one hundred people approachingyou right now. You only need
(37:28):
one, Yeah, you only needone good one. So perhaps being more
difficult, not going on these mindlessdates and interact with toxic people who will
then become obsessive of you, butrather waiting and cultivating good friendships with maybe
one or two people that you seea potential could be a good way.
(37:50):
And if they're down and if theyunderstand your process, and I would like
be open minded and tell them,hey, this is where I'm at.
I'm in my growth era and youknow, improving myself as theme era.
And I really want someone to stickaround. Yeah, someone that I respect,
a friend, someone that I respect, because we know you only respect
people that work hard. So someonethat I respect, someone that I can
(38:15):
trust, someone kind. I needsomeone in my life like this. If
you feel like this is not somethingthat you can want to yeah, that
you want to engage in, Iwould say goodbye, and I wish you
the best. I mean I cando. Yeah, I'll just say that
to anybody. Be a challenge foryou because you do enjoy going on like
(38:37):
dates and have fun. I doenjoy the masculine energy. I love to
be overly feminine and for me tofeel feminine, I don't know what it
is. I feel like I needmasculinity around me, and I do struggle
with that. Like it makes alot of sense. Your father left,
your mom had to be very strongand be the provider, and you watch
(38:58):
that You're like, fuck no,and I grow up. I'm not going
to be that person. I wantto be feminine. I want to be
I want people to help me.I want to feel like I can rely
on someone. I want to besubtle. I want to be soft,
completely understandable. Right, Yeah,there is a strength in you though,
So there is masculine trait within you. Yeah, I know, yeah,
but I completely understand the desire tobe feminine and soft and be taken care
(39:21):
of. Now, we want tomake sure that you are finding and dating
the people that will appreciate the femininitybut also strengthen your masculinity and be there
for you and say you can doit. I believe in you. Yeah,
go get this job. I believein you. You're going to do
so amazing. I'm here for you. I know I do need. I've
(39:44):
never had a rather than oh Iwant you to be my housewife. And
if that's your desire, that's fine, But it seems like you do love
doing these I do working. Ineed. I've never had a supportive significant
other, like I've never had someonewhen I'm doing something good or I have
accomplished things, they will they makeit a negative thing or they just huge
red flag it is. And Ithink I've just only had that where you
(40:06):
know it's or if you want meto be honest to you, I have
only had like very jealous partners ofme, like they'll be jealous of what
I'm doing in my success and it'sit's weird for me because they're they're males,
you know, so they're controlling anarcissistic The more success you have,
the more freedom you're going to have, the less control they have over you.
(40:28):
If you're not that successful, theycan control you, they can provide
resources. But if you're more successful, Oh no, she's going to fly
away. She's going to find someonebetter. Like it's very obvious. I
guess it is. I didn't realizehow obvious it was. Yeah, working
with a professional. Yeah, I'veseen this many times, and I want
to tell you the truth based onthe assessment of this session that I know
(40:54):
you can change. No, ofcourse, Yeah, I can tell that
you're very determined. Another thing,let me write down. Yeah, and
no I am, and I needto be not so determined where I'm rushing
my healing either. You know,I gotta because I'll be like I want
to heal tomorrow, and I knowthat that's not realistic either. Accepting the
process. Yeah, an average timeof people setting their dating goals and sex
(41:19):
goals and getting towards where they reportfeeling good about achieving their goals is at
least six months. I was goingto I was gonna say, I'll give
myself like six months. Six months, that's the magic number. Yeah.
Yeah, it doesn't seem like thatlong of a time. It is really
not. When you're a busy individual. Six months is so fast it is.
I feel like I'm still in twentytwenty three, Like where did it
(41:42):
go? I know it's so fast. I'm sad about it. Okay,
So I want to do a littlebit of a recap, okay, and
then your to do's okay, andthen we can do Like, of course,
we don't have to film it.We can do a monthly check in.
Let's do it, yeah for sixmonths. Yeah. So first off,
we talked about the top three characteristicsof a great friend, and you
(42:07):
had identified someone kind, someone thatyou respect, right, someone that works
hard, and someone that gives youreciprocal good energy, right, Like you
provide that to them, so youwant that from them. So your number
one actionable item is doing an auditof every person that you interact with weekly.
(42:30):
This is a big task. Yeah, only the people that you interact
with weekly. Right, So youmeet people that you because I mean you're
on set all the time. Youmeet people that you meet like once a
month. It's like, no,they're the peripheral people. We're talking about
core people, people that you talkto weekly. Take an audit, you
know, take your time, writeit down, maybe in a journal or
(42:52):
on your phone, Like, writedown these people. Like let's say if
there's ten people or five people,write them down, and then I want
you to rate them based on qualityof the three things that you just told
me it should have been a greatfriend. Yeah, from one to ten
of an overall assessment of your ownsubjective assessment. Let's say a friend named
(43:17):
Ashley. Where is she at basedon these good qualities from one to ten?
Like is she an eight out often kind of friend? Or is
she a four out of ten kindof friend? And where should be the
average? Where should where should be? Oh? I need to just cut
this person off, or oh maybeI can strengthen the bond and change our
(43:38):
dynamic. I would say anything lessthan five is worth cutting off. Okay,
Yeah, I'm gonna ask that next, anything less than magic number to
cut The magic number is five,okay, because imagine interacting with a very
average friend. Five out of tenis average, like mid, very mid
(43:59):
friend. Right, do you evenwant that in your life or do you
always want to high vibe? Likedo you always want to interact with people
that are like at least seven?Yeah? Of course. Yeah, so
for me, five is very forgiving. So yeah, first task, audit
everyone in your life that you interactwith weekly. Give them a score of
one to ten, and you know, anyone less than five is a cutoff.
(44:23):
And we already talked about the twomethods of like cutting off. It's
either you know, you have tojust distant yourself or like text them or
get on a phone call and havethat difficult talk. But if they're like
A two, feel free to justdistant yourself. You don't need to explain
yourself. Yeah. Yeah, ifthey're really so much you want to heal
and grow, Yeah, it's yourjourney. So that's your first task.
(44:44):
The second actionable item that you wantedto do is related to your self esteem
and growing your self esteem. I'veheard from your other podcast as well,
you guys were talking about affirmations,and in positive psychology, affirmations are extremely
powerful. I think it's been adoptedby a lot of like online gurus in
(45:06):
a way that like people that lovescience based things start to not trust the
method. But if you look intoacademic research on positive psychology, you'll see
one of the most successful methods ispositive affirmations. The second one being visualization.
Every professional athlete does visualization with likesports psychologists. So using affirmations,
(45:32):
I want you to craft five affirmationsbased on your top five qualities. You
know, I am an empathetic person, I am one of the kindest people
I know, I am like right, I am or these statements down five
of them, and I want youto look at them and read them every
(45:53):
single day. I do this formyself every single day, and I always
show up one hundred and twenty.Yeah, I'll do that. Can you
do that? Yeah? Absolutely,that's amazing. I love doing stuff like
that. I staid to read itand believe it. Yeah, and that
I think that's the disconnect. I'mgoing to tell you right now, the
first two weeks you won't believe it. Yeah. Yeah, you just read
(46:14):
it and think it's kind of silly. But whatever, keep doing Okay.
The growth is in the action,not the thoughts. So like, maybe
you think this is silly, butyou keep doing it, keep doing it,
keep doing it. Oh shit,maybe I am a lot. Maybe
I do have a lot to offer, Like, oh shit, maybe I
am the queen. Maybe you know, it's a privilege for people to talk
to me. So these five qualitiesyou wan to write down and then you
(46:37):
want to read them, like everysingle day, okay until we check in
again in a month, okay,yeah, every day. Okay, don't
miss a single day. I won't. Yeah, it's only even on my
Like, I'll keep it on mymaybe even change it to be your own
arm or something. Yeah, orchange it to your wallpaper. Okay,
(46:57):
yeaheah, five amazing things about fire. Okay, I'll do that. Yeah,
do it. You have to dothis seriously. I would have to
do it every single day. Iabsolutely. And then lastly, we're gonna
change the way you date. Uh, so are you dating right now?
Like? Are you seeing a coupleof people who talking to something? I
just like talk to people, okay, but not nothing physical. And I
(47:19):
do like go and sleep over atguys places, but that's not dating.
That's just actually strictly sleeping, noteven sad jobs. So their jobs,
well, it's like I just gowatch it's again trying to get that masculine
energy. So I'll just go watcha movie with them and then we'll fall
asleep and I'll leave in the morning. But I think that I'm just kind
of trying to feed that. Butno, I'm not dating. Okay,
(47:42):
So from now on, are youon like dating apps? How do you
date right? Rya or just theyjust DM me on Instagram? Usually?
Yeah? And then dating apps,I actually really don't even I just like
scroll and rye just like at aboredom. Okay, I think I'm like
one or two people from there.I want you to be honest completely honest
(48:05):
with time with them, that youare currently working on yourself and that the
next person you date you hope tobe the person that you're gonna be with
for a long time. You're gonnasay that when they're like, hey,
Sapphire, like you know fire photo, or like you you're so beautiful sexy,
or I saw this on TV aboutyou or whatever it is. However
(48:29):
they interact with you, to sayhey, because obviously if you're not interested,
you don't respond, right, right, right. So if you are
interested and you're responding, this iswhat I want you to say, is
that hey, Like let's say hey, Ryan, I don't know, is
this name triggering? No? Ijust want to make sure Hey Ryan,
like you know, like whatever yousay first, thing like pleasantries, things
(48:51):
for reaching out, or like youknow, I like you a profile photo
too, but I'm only looking toget married. Yes. Yeah, I
want you to say, first off, I want to be transparent. I'm
currently working on myself and the personthat I'm going on a date with next
is going to be someone that Isee myself with long term. Yeah.
(49:12):
Okay, when you say this,you're gonna get rid of all these unserthy
moths. In your life, andthere's no need to interact with one hundred
people when you only need one.You're right, Yeah, okay, I'm
gonna I always remember that statistic too, you only need one. I'm going
to say that just to get ridof some of them because I know that
they're not going to react and Ican just not even done. Yeah,
(49:32):
doesn't fit my life goals right now. I'm taking myself seriously. I'm improving
my self esteem. I'm improving myselfworth. I know what I bring to
the table. So next person Igo on a date with, it's going
to be someone I feel like deservesmy time. Ye, deserves me long
term? You're right? Are youthat person? Oh? No, okay?
Bye? Yeah, I don't needto spend time like chatting back and
(49:53):
forth, sending photos emojis no timefor that. It's a waste of right
time. Yeah it is. Howabout that. I'm going to do it.
I mean, the last one withthat one is a little like it's
going to be hard. That one'sgoing to be the hardest one. I
want you to try with one person. First, try with one person.
(50:13):
I want you to screenshot it,okay, to show me. Okay,
next time, next time someone reachesthis is accountability. I know that with
my current clients, some of themwill say in the session, it's in
the heat of the moment, they'relike, yes, improving myself, I'm
going to do all of these things. But then once they lose steam,
they kind of go back to theirprevious behavior. Yeah, okay, I'm
(50:35):
going to text it tonight. Ihave a few at least one that you
can achieve. Yeah, one andscreenshot it. Okay, I want to
see that you actually did it.Okay, Yeah, I'll do it.
I'm proud of you. Thank you. I'm really proud of you. Thanks.
You're a very honest person. Youare very self aware, which is
like so many people in the worlddon't even know that they have these issues,
(50:58):
right, but you're like, yes, I'm a where and I'm ready,
and that zero to one is veryhard, one to one hundred is
easy. So you're at one.Oh yay, thank you. I see
you in the month. I willsee you in a month.
Straw media. Okay, Sath,how do you feel good? I actually
(00:23):
feel good. You know, Ilove therapy like and I love coaching because
I'm a mass You were so receptive, Like it was such a beautiful dialogue
to listen to. Like I wasliterally baited breadth the entire time. I
cannot wait for people to How doyou think people are going to react to
that? I'm working on myself andI need that text message that I have
to send. You always said itwas like at the moment you said,
(00:45):
I mean, I don't want togive too much way, but at the
moment you said, oh my god, that's going to deter some people.
Right away, I was thinking,well, there's one way to get rid
of yeah, which I am goingto use that as a way just to
get rid of the annoying ones.But to it might be scary people scary.
I was like, people's respond whatif someone just says okay, and
deep down I don't want to sayokay, okay, sounds good, have
(01:06):
like a good journey. That mightbe like a duck response, so many
layers to peel back, but likeit was so I mean authentic, and
I think that people will understand thatit was just I mean, it will
hit anything that authentic. I mean, Doctor tar is amazing. I want
to see where I'm aut in sixmonths, like I really do. I
want to see where I'm at andhow different i am, and even if
I'm not much different, just whereI'm at and like, yeah, if
(01:27):
I'm on the right path. Yeah, the self awareness that everything. Oh
my god, it felt really reallynice. You're next, I don't just
do it privately? Yeah yeah,all right, Well with that, to
go and enjoy this beautiful authentic episode. I think it's going to be a
resounding thank you for being so authenticand real. I hope so enjoy.
(01:56):
Hey guys, today I am withdoctor Terra again and he's actually going to
be doing a life coaching session withme. You're going to explain the difference
between coaching and therapy so they kindof know what's going on, right,
Yes, And I'm also glad thatyou told me that you've been in therapy
for a long time, because thisis not like about competition. It's not
about like is therapy better a coachingbetter? Like you need both because they
(02:19):
ultimately do different things to you andhelp you in different ways. So in
therapy, you learn from your pastright, and you learn the root causes
of things, and you learn whydo I feel this way currently? Why
do I have this behavioral patterns thatI do. Maybe it's patterns related to
not eating. Maybe it's patterns relatedto the people you date. Maybe it's
(02:39):
patterns related to how you negative selftalk yourself. Learning about the past is
very important. My job as acoach is assessing your current self. So
what do you bring to the table. Who are you now? What are
your traits, what are your characteristicsand what do you want to still shed
and what do you want to keepand floor as you move on as an
(03:00):
adult, and then help you basicallyset goals that are attainable goals. Whenever
my clients tell me goals that Iimmediately assess as unrealistic, I tell them.
And that's the difference between I thinkmore like traditional therapy and I call
myself a non traditional sex coach.I have a lot of non traditional methods
(03:23):
that I use in order to helpyou achieve your goals. And that's what
I want to focus on today.Yeah, I'm excited. I'm so happy.
I know. The last time Idid one of our episodes with you.
I was like, I just wantto do your one session with you.
And I always say I love yourYou're just so easy, like your
energy is just like you know,it's just it's nice. It's comforting.
(03:46):
Actually, I'm so grateful you saidthat. My clients have said the same,
that they feel like they can sayanything and literally anything in the world
and I would not judge them.And I've heard like the worst. I'm
sure and it's okay, and it'sokay, and my face doesn't change,
and the way I feel about youdoesn't change. I am here to help
(04:08):
you. Yeah, yeah, yes, want to get to it. Yeah,
let's do it. So this isour first coaching session. We've talked
before, and I've done some researchof you because you are a public figure,
so I do know already a littlebit about you. However, there
are so much more about you.I know one percent about you, right,
So since this is our first session, let's get to know each other.
(04:32):
I'll share briefly about me because it'snot about me, but I do
want you to feel comfortable where I'mcoming from, and then I want to
hear a lot more about you whereyou're from. What are some of the
things that you're working on and whereare you now? So as a sex
and relationship coach, I have aPhD, particularly in human communication, because
(04:55):
my practice focuses on how you interactwith other people and what that means for
you and how do you improve yourselfas the best communicator. I am married.
We're in a monogamish marriage, whichmeans that we do attend sex parties.
We may engage with other people,but we always do it together.
We're extremely open minded. I amextremely open minded and I'm always in a
(05:20):
curious mindset. I rarely judge peoplebased on what they like, what they
do, who they have been,who are who they are now. And
my purpose in life is to helppeople live the most sexually fulfilling life possible.
So that that's a little bit aboutme. Tell me if I ask
(05:43):
a general question, where are youfrom? I'm from Canton, Ohio,
the smaller city. Yeah, andI was raised by a single mom.
I have an older sister and ayounger sister. Tell me about being raised
by a single mom. You know, it was tough. It was.
It was a tough environment, especiallybecause my mom. There was three of
(06:06):
us, and my dad left whenI was seven, So we were very
young, and and yeah, Iwas just my mom struggled a lot,
and I witnessed a lot of that, trying to pay the bills, you
know, I watched her really strugglewith her mental state, being a single
mom. She never dated at allthe whole time. Not one boyfriend described
(06:29):
the mental state that you just mentioned. She was just insanely depressed, like
she would just lay on the couchfor a long time. And you know,
I know she struggled to yeah,to keep her mental stability enough to
parent us. Do you feel likethat has affected you now as an adult
that has worked on yourself through therapymany years. I think that it has
(06:51):
affected me financially where I'll I haveextreme anxiety about not having financial stability.
As for the mental like the mentalstability, I feel like I worry about
mine a lot. Like anytime Ifeel like I'm a little bit upset,
is this me developing like bipolar ordepression? Like it's a constant worry for
(07:15):
me. When you talk about financialstability, it makes a lot of sense.
Growing up with inconsistencies when it comesto resources, you never know what
you're going to get right because oflimited resources. And also inconsistent parenting due
to your mother being absent because ofher mental health state. How has all
(07:38):
of this affected you and your datinghistory? I mean my dating history has
been tragic. I've never had agood boyfriend. I don't think I've ever
dated anyone that's truly been in lovewith me. I don't think I have
ever even been in love myself.I think that I only know obsession.
(08:00):
My dating life is so tragic.Would you say you've had at least one
good relationship in the past, No, No, none. Out of how
many relationships have you had, I'vehad like four, like long term ish.
I've never dated past a year anda half. So a year and
a half has been the longest durationof your romantic relationship. Yes. Yeah.
(08:24):
When you say your love life hasbeen tragic, can you talk more
about that. I mean, I'vegotten myself into domestic violence relationships. It's
comfortable just one. All of themfelt like they were going towards that way,
but only one ended up that way, if that makes sense, like
a lot of them, all ofmy other ones, they were very verbally.
(08:46):
The one before that, he almostput his hands on me, And
so that's the reason why yeah,why I left him. So it does
get to be for whatever reason.So you have a pattern of dating control
men. Yes, since you've beenin therapy, I want to ask you
this, where do you think itcomes from? I think it comes from
(09:07):
my father. Of course, Ididn't realize until recently that my father has
the same tendencies. I don't know, you know, if I witness that,
I don't know. If it's justsome I don't know, but I
think that it comes definitely from myfather. And that's what you've learned about
him, because he left when youwere seven. Yes, and you've heard
from your mother or have you seenI haven't seen it. I just see
(09:31):
like police reports and staff of whathe's doing and where he's at. And
through your work of yourself so far, what's the conclusion of the reason why
you're dating your father? I don'tknow, actually I don't. Yeah,
I don't know what the conclusion is. With your sessions, do you talk
about these past relationships and how yougot into them and how you got out
(09:56):
of them. Yes, I lovegauging to see if we should talk about
that. I definitely have talked onhow I've gotten out of them. We
don't really talk about how I getinto them. For sure, you find
controlling men attractive, yes, Ido. I know that that's how you
get into them. Yeah, becausewhen they exhibit behaviors and personality of a
(10:18):
controlling person, potentially even narcissistic person, that attracts you. And usually people
that are attracted to men that havecontrolling behaviors, people who have low self
esteem. I'm sure. I meanthat's another thing that I'm learning, like
not to laugh at it, butI mean my self, estee, we
(10:39):
can that, we can definitely laughat it. We can laugh at ourselves.
You know, we're all flawed,we have something that we're working on,
and it's okay to laugh at it. Yeah, I mean, I
definitely have learned that I have hada low self esteem at times. I'm
not gonna honestly say at all times, but definitely I get into relationships when
I'm at my lowest of self esteemfor sure, that's when they do come
(11:01):
in. And like, that's yoursource of the ability to control your life.
Is allowing someone to control you,I know, and it gives you
some stability, yeah, something youcrave, like, oh no, I'm
in a downward spiral and I'm waitingfor a night on a white horse to
come save me. And here,here he is right exhibiting all these behaviors
(11:26):
that can help me feel more stable, but at the same time not in
a healthy way. Yeah, Iknow, no, I know it's getting
serious for me. That's why Iwas like, I got to really put
in work because my relations cannot endup worse, Like I just I can't
have that. What do you thinkis the source of your low self esteem?
(11:52):
I think I think it's been neverI never have had I never felt
grounded, and I think that ithas influenced people to feed stuff to me.
I think that I've had a lotof friends and family and exes that
purposely feed negativity to me. AndI like you could tell me like or
(12:13):
ask me, like what do likewhat do I bring to the table,
Like you said that earlier. Idon't. I can't list one thing to
you, like I don't know whatthat is about me where I just am
not aware of like my good qualities. And because of that, I think
that at the low self esteem comesfrom constant you know, belittling and constant
negativity. I mean, I wakeup every morning and the first thing is
(12:35):
is negativity online, negative text messages, friends saying negative things to me,
even just meeting up with them.I don't even think they realize they do
that to me, and it's hardto bring myself out of that. Wow.
Yeah, I want to commend youfor what you just said. You
know exactly why you have low selfesteem. You think, okay, maybe
(12:56):
I do. So, yes,you do have low self esteem, but
you have very high self awareness.And that's the very very big first step
of changing your life for the betterand completely turning it around where you know
the root cost of your main issue. Because self esteem, you know,
(13:16):
it's like a term that is thrownaround a lot, like oh, she
has low self esteem or he haslow self esteem, but it truly is
the foundation of how you are ableto live a fulfilling life and a non
toxic life. With low self esteem, we surround ourselves like what you just
(13:37):
said, We surround ourselves with negativityand not being in these negative echo chambers.
People keep pushing me down. Ican't seem to come up and get
air. Do you ever feel likethat? Sometimes? Yeah? Frequently,
yeah, yeah, I feel likeI'll be like getting like up there with
my self esteem and then someone willjust be like, well, you're not
(13:58):
that great anyways, and I'm like, that's what I'm trying to like,
you know, I just feel likepeople use me as a target for sure
to let off their steam. Everybodydoes. It's like, let me text
Sapphire and let my steam off.And I know that I don't know what
it is. I think I justsit there and listen and maybe I don't
know why with why, I'm justtake it on. Have you ever established
(14:20):
boundaries? Yes, and they're neverrespected by people that I've never had someone
respect boundaries before when I put themup and you continue to receive them to
so you're not enacting your boundaries.You have set them, yes, but
you don't follow through with your ownpersonal actions. No, I do,
And then I have to just cutthe people off. Like when I put
(14:41):
boundaries, people never just like ohokay, she put that boundary up.
Let me just respect that. Ihave to completely get rid of people.
That's hard too, that's a wholeother thing. That's a whole other thing.
Yeah, friend breakup, family breakup. It can be as hard,
if not harder than romantic breakups.So you said that you have set boundaries
(15:03):
and for some people, you havecut them off because they don't respect your
boundaries. You also said that thereare currently people in your life that feed
negativity on you. Is that true? It is? Okay, So why
does this happen? I think itcomes from people that I've been friends with
for a long time, and Iknow that I need to get rid of
(15:24):
them, and I just need torip the band aid off. I know
who the people are, that's theproblem. I know exactly. I could
tell like, there's so predictable.I can tell you exactly what they're going
to say and do to make mefeel bad about myself. And I also
get guilt tripped easy, like I'mvery empathetic. I think, yes,
(15:46):
and that's one amazing qualities. Thanks, when you just said I can't even
tell you one amazing quality about myselfwhen you ask me what I bring to
the table, that's one amazing qualities. That's like one thousand points. Yeah
things. There are a lot ofpsycho and unempathetic people in the world,
and to meet someone who's highly empathetic, it's a privilege. So when people
(16:08):
talk to you, they get totalk to you. That's a privilege.
It's an opportunity for them to interactwith someone so pleasant. Yeah, you're
right, Yeah, I get anego boost the exactly no, no kidding,
that is that is an amazing quality. Now, let's go along this
path of understanding your positive qualities becauseI understand that you know there are people
(16:34):
in your life that are toxic,that do not have good intentions for you,
and you need to cut them offif it's workable where you can have
open minded conversations about them about howour dynamic needs to change. Because I'm
not a big fan of just cancelculture. You know, people does one
thing wrong like fucker ghost like I'mnot about that. Yeah, I'm about
(16:56):
let's let's see if they're if it'sworth saving, and there are friendships and
family relationships in your life that areworth saving. If you have the opportunity
to have an open minded conversation,would you have that. I've tried actually
with the people, and it's likeit will go good for a couple of
months and then they'll still do somethingthat is upsetting. People have their own
(17:19):
issues. I think the ability totake people at their face value and be
able to connect on their good sideis a skill. But I completely one
hundred percent trust that you can developthis skill interact with people based on the
things that are flourishing for you rightto you. Are they fountains or are
(17:44):
they drains? We don't want tohang out with a lot of drains.
No, of course, right,we can have little moments of drains because
we're a good friend and we knowhow to support people. But no,
no, no no. If you'reconsistently a drain, you need to work
on yourself in order to be inmy circle. Is this something that resonating
with you. Absolutely. I thinkI also become friends with a lot of
(18:08):
people who don't have a lot offriends on top of it, and I
think I need to be more cautiousof that. That's a red flat.
Yeah, people who don't have manyfriends gravitate towards me, and then I
feel bad. I know that I'mtheir only like kind of friend or close
friend, and that's another thing whereI feel bad. I know this person's
a little bit like, Yeah,I worry, Like if I have conversations
(18:30):
with friends and I'm like, Idon't like what you're doing, and they
spiral a little bit, I'm like, why are you spiraling from me?
Like I don't get it. It'shard. You see what you just said,
Like how you are willing to befriends with people that have their friendship
issues. That's another thing. That'sanother positive thing about you. Kindness.
You're very kind. Yeah, you'reextremely kind. Not a lot of people
(18:53):
will put up with shit. Likeif there is a negative friend that is
like a negative Nancy, I eithertell them upfront or I just immediately disengage
because I know I don't have thecapacity. Maybe I need to do that.
There is a way to balance yourpersonal trait, which is a very
kind and empathetic person with a healthybehavior around friends. Now tell me one
(19:19):
thing. If you have to describea great friend in your life, what
are some of these qualities. Ithink that someone they would also have to
be kind and also be a compassionateperson. And I need friends that work
hard, like they have to beambitious people. And why is that I
(19:40):
need them to have goals? BecauseI can't have friends that just don't want
to do anything because they get intothe wrong type of environments from boredom because
you don't respect them. Yeah,because you don't respect them. You only
respect people that work hard. Inyour subjective evaluation, yeah, okay,
(20:00):
so now you know you like compassionatepeople that are kind as well that work
hard. Are there people that don'tmeet these three boxes in your life right
now? Absolutely get rid of them? Okay? Yeah, as easy as
taking an audit of what are themost important qualities in friendships for you and
create three boxes. People that don'tfit in these boxes? Sorry? And
(20:22):
what do I say when they constantlyhit me up and they're like, guilty
me into their life? Do Ijust not answer? Do it after I've
already explained to them too? Ilove this question. There are two ways
to go about this. One isjust to have an open and honest conversation
either on the phone or just textthem that like, hey, I'm working
I'm in an era of working onmyself right now and the fact that we
(20:48):
haven't and then kind of outlined acouple of things that has been disconnected between
you and them or something they've donewrong in your life, and then just
say like this is not currently servingmy situation and where I want to go.
I still love you and I encourageyou to also work on yourself.
Yeah, it's a very tough text. I've sent this to quite a few
(21:11):
people. I'm ready to send sometext. Yeah. I think there's so
much opportunity and goodness in your lifethat you just really shouldn't spend any time
with the people that are not inany way adding to your life. Yeah,
no, I know, I knowit's time. Yeah, and I'm
talking about friendships first because a lotof times that will feed into you finding
(21:34):
a healthy romantic partner. Yeah,because if you have toxic friends, you're
most likely not going to find healthyromantic partner. That makes sense. Yeah,
you know people that are emotionally andmentally healthy, that are ready to
date and fall in love. Maybethey interact with you and then realize like,
(21:55):
oh no, you're friends with allthese people. I don't want to
be in that crew. I know. I think about that also, Like
I when I go to maybe goingon dates with people, I actually pay
attention to who their friends are,and if their friends are not good people,
I won't date them because I've madeone mistake before where the friends were
not good and I saw that thatreally is I don't want people to think
(22:18):
that that's who I am exactly.Have you ever heard of the statement like
we are an average of the fivepeople we hang out with no. Yeah,
so think about that. Yeah,and the five people that you hang
out with the most, you're anaverage of that. Damn. Yeah,
I'm sorry to say that. Yeah, No, don't be sorry. You
say it, you claim it.It's okay, it's okay. You don't
(22:41):
have a great circle right now,that's okay. The most commendable thing right
now for you is honesty. Andthat's the third thing that I have said
so far of amazing qualities about you. So this is this is endless.
You're highly empathetic, you're very kind, You're very honest. These are honest.
(23:07):
Look at look at these things.Are these the things you require in
a lover? Absolutely, you havethem. You bring lots to the table.
So now that you know you arebringing a lot to the table,
that you're a huge catch, let'stalk about your romantic relationship. And so
(23:40):
you know you've been dating controlling man. You're highly aware that that's not something
you want to get into next.Right, what are you looking for then?
Next relationship? My last relationship?Is that what you're hoping for?
Yeah, for sure, I don'twant to I don't want to date and
keep breaking up. I want somethingvery long term, as long as term
(24:03):
as I can get. I mean, it's like I'm not looking right now,
but I know I'm just someone thatalways wants to be in love,
like I love being in love.Maybe that's why I change relationships so quickly.
I'm at an awkward period in mylife right now where I don't want
to have sex and that's not likeme, and I've been struggling with that,
(24:26):
and I don't know what I'm attractedto physically. I've only been really
attracted to like control one or two. Well physically too, you know,
yeah, controlling men. And Idon't know what I'm attracted to. I
don't want to have sex right now, but I also feel like I'm the
best, not that I don't feellike I'm there yet, but I do
(24:47):
feel a lot better about myself andwhere I'm at in life. So it's
it's a weird dynamic. There's eppsand flow when it comes to how we
engage in our own sexuality. Youknow, there could be a period of
time where you're having multiple orgasms,having sex, like in different crazy ways,
and then there will be a timewhere you're not having sex at all
(25:10):
and you're just rediscovering who you areand there will be a time where you're
having sex so deep and so connectedwith someone you truly, truly love,
maybe even you know, the fatherof your children, if that's something you're
looking forward too. So goes upand down just like this, like the
waves. That's the sex life.Right. Whenever I have a client that's
like, our sex life has beenlike this, I often ask them to
(25:33):
evaluate even closer. Has it reallybeen like this or has it been kind
of like this? Because people tendto dramatize their issues quite a little bit,
right, Yeah, I definitely do. And that's okay, let's talk
about let's talk about your thoughts onsex. I have a sense that you
(25:55):
don't want You feel like you don'twant to have sex right now because there
is an idea of a relationship ofsex and a negative outcome. Yeah.
I think sex is related to somethingnot good, and therefore I don't have
a desire to engage in it.I feel like sex for me results in
(26:15):
obsession. I have a really bigproblem with I'll sleep with somebody one time,
and they'll get when I talk aboutlike insanely obsessed. People will fly
drones over my home, they willstalk me, They will show up to
my place and these are people thatlike, I'm not that you know,
involved with, and it really hasI think it really has scared me.
(26:36):
They like I'm talking like next levelcrazy. I only get wow. Yeah,
So this is what people do toyou after you had sexual relations.
They'll obsessively call my phone and itwill be people that you would never expect,
like, you know, the peoplethat I feel like maybe are on
the same like wavelength as me anda lot of things, and they'll just
(26:59):
ob sensively call me. It getsYeah, but you know that's not about
the sex. Okay, what isit about their trade? It's their issues
that they have to work on.Maybe maybe sex it is like a button
for them, right, they alreadyhave these things, like these behaviors,
(27:23):
but maybe sex is a button whereyou press it and it triggers these behaviors.
But it doesn't mean like, oh, as long as I don't have
sex with them and maybe wait,it won't come out. It will.
It's inside. That's the thing about. That's the thing about when people say,
oh, I just I have afive date rule, right, I'm
(27:44):
gonna wait five dates and then I'mgonna have sex with him and then let's
say, you know, he turnsout to be to have these negative qualities,
like, oh, I wish Ididn't have sex with him. It's
not the sex, Like if hewas a good person, sex will only
enhance this relationship. He wasn't agood person, therefore you blame sex for
it. But he was never agood person. Because I've been doing also
(28:06):
the thing where I don't have sexwith people and I make them wait to
try to figure out if they're anobsessive person, and they'll still only show
it after the sex, you know, because I've been trying to do that
too, Like how do I figureit out without like triggery? You know,
But it's you're right, it's alwaysthe sex. It's interesting that you
just said that there are like quitea few of these like obsessive people,
(28:29):
and you date them and then evenif you wait and you have sex with
them and a triggers these like obsessivebehaviors. Perhaps the problem is the people
that you choose have these qualities already. That has nothing to do with sex.
This happens with like every different typeof person I've like when I tell
you the scale of people I've beenwith, like it's just you know,
I've tried every type of person,and I have the ones that come across
(28:53):
non controlling too. Sometimes they're morescary because it's so blond. Well yeah,
yeah, so I'm like, whatdo I how do I know that
someone's going to be crazy after Yeah, let's talk about that. So when
you decide to go on a datewith someone, what were some of the
(29:17):
reasons why, Like, let's say, like person number one, Like why
did you decide to go on adate with this person? I mean,
I've gone on dates with people becausethey're really into you. Yeah. They
either ask me as eager interest,yes, definitely, or there I'm curious
about them. It's someone I've neverbeen around, a lifestyle of never you
(29:38):
know what I mean, Like,and I get very like curious about people.
That's been a big reason on whyI go out with people. And
I maybe out of boredom, likeyou know, like sometimes I just I'm
like, I don't want to sitat home, so maybe and have fun.
Yeah, but then people get obsessedyeah with you. Afterwards, I
(30:00):
noticed that they're all heavy drinkers,and that's something I just now realized that
I got to stay away from peoplewho heavily drink. Look at that.
Yeah, you're already aware of thethings, the signs. Yeah, you
look past them. And that's apart of your problem, right, It's
a part of having low self esteem. Like I'll forgive people like people can
(30:21):
walk over me. That's fine.Yeah, And you know, building up
your self esteem it's a journey.And I can give you kind of different
exercises as we go along, andyou can text me to check in ones
every couple of weeks or once amonth to say, like where you're at.
But I'm going to give you differentexercises that you can do in order
(30:41):
to improve your self worth, knowingimmediately when people ask you, what do
you bring to the table? Oh? Lots have you seen me? I'm
sapphire and these are five amazing thingsabout me. I want you to get
there the space where you know exactlywhat you bring to the table. Yeah.
I want to get there too.Yeah I need that. And self
worth isn't isn't anything about like howmuch money one makes, how much one
(31:07):
weighs, what kind of house orcar one has. It's all about the
internal, all about these qualities thatI just said already, you're highly empathetic.
Right, You're very kind, andyou're very honest, and these are
already like the big three, right, So these are the things that you
bring to the table. And internallyyou are a very, very loving person.
(31:30):
But how you love is problematic.I know, due to the instability
of your childhood. You seek control, to control your life through controlling men
and by going on dates with thesepeople who you know, I think you
already know will become obsessive of youbecause you want validation with little self esteem,
(31:56):
Like why not go out, havefun, have people worship me?
Why not? That's fun. Iwant to be worshiped, right, who
doesn't, But that's the thing.You want to be worshiped by a healthy
partner, not these people that justsee you as an object. They want
to take you out. You're adoll that they take out and dress up
and dress up. And you knowall of these things already. Well,
(32:17):
I mean when you're speaking them,I'm like, yeah this, You're like
yeah, it's like it's clicking inmy brain, resting heart. Yeah it
is, because I this is myyear of like really trying to figure out
what I've done wrong, like seriouslyin friendships and relationships, It's really hindered
me in a lot of ways,and I don't want that anymore. It's
(32:38):
drained me. I was just tellingyou before we started, like people don't
understand what I went through last yearand the year before, Like it was
so hard for me. I lostmy hair, I lost like I've been
extremely underweight and I eating and Idon't just deal, you know with those
things. I deal with a loton top of it, and I can't
(32:58):
let my body go and who Iam go because of you know, these
hardships. I don't want that formyself. I got to stop. A
symptom of low self esteem is lackof self care, because low self esteem
means low self worth, and ifyou're not, if you have low self
esteem, you don't really take careof yourself, right, Like, yes,
(33:21):
you look amazing right now. Youput on makeup, you put on
beautiful hair, and you're a beautifulperson. You got good genetics, right,
But taking care of ourselves internally,that's what you've been neglecting. Yeah,
absolutely, by interacting with the toxicpeople, by going on dates that
you don't really mean to, youknow, see these people in a healthy
(33:43):
way. So you're almost like stabbingyourself slowly a little bit through all these
little interactions in your life, andlike you said, it hinders you from
flying. Yeah, it does,but you have all the qualities to fly.
I do just have to let goof all the heavy things I need
to I gotta start now. Yeah. Well, with your question of like,
(34:07):
how do I identify an obsessive person? Right, there are so many
signs. However, I do wantto acknowledge, Like, if you read
a Psychology Today article and it sayslike, here are the five signs of
an obsessive person, there will stillbe people that are so damn good at
hiding themselves that will trick you.Perhaps changing completely changing the way you date
(34:30):
might be better, I know.So when it comes to love, there
are multiple love styles, okay,and it sounds like your current love style
is ludic an. A ludic loveris obsessed with love. These are the
people people that tend to get veryattached, tend to love bomb. Well
(34:52):
I don't. That's another problem Ihave. I have really, I don't
want to get attached. No,I don't so attacked. Do you mean
like attached in to them? Yeah? I don't get attached to the people
like, I don't think I've everlike attached even the people that you've dated
for a year and a half,So you only play all the four people
(35:14):
that you've dated over a year,you've only played with them. Yeah,
and you do not get I don'tthink I've ever been actually attached. But
do you get time attached? Like, do you spend a lot of time
together? I do, yes,So that's the attach I'm talking about.
It's superficial, not like securely attached, not like so bond, but more
like spending a lot of time togetherbeing codependent. So a ludic lover.
(35:36):
People can have like tendencies of aludic lover because it's fun, Like it's
a playful person that maybe like enjoysbeing kinky and inviting sex in different ways.
But what I think would be reallyhelpful for you is actually learned to
love as a friend. And Iknow it doesn't sound spicy at all,
and you know from doctor Tara sexcoach, but I think learning how to
(36:00):
love as a friend and to startyour relationships as friends might be best.
Yeah. I mean that of coursethat's going to be the best thing,
you know. I just I dohave problems, like, like I was
already when you said friend, Iwas already getting annoyed. I'm not gonna
lie, and I don't even youknow what I mean. I don't even
(36:20):
have anybody in the head of thatin my mind where I'm like, oh,
yeah, I could be it's justa lot for like people are a
lot for me, Like people drainme emotionally, and for me to be
a friend and also have sex witha person sounds like a lot. So
not like that, not like friendswould benefits, okay, but establishing no
sex, no sex, okay,no sex at the beginning, and establishing
(36:43):
establishing a good friendship the way youdescribe a good friend in your life.
When I ask you what are thequalities of a great friend, I would
say, try to establish these qualitiesof a great friend and a lover.
First, what do I do ifI have problems with men not wanting to
be my friend because they they thatwould be really hard for me to get
a male friend. I'll be completelyhonest, like, maybe it's maybe it's
(37:07):
good. Maybe it's just yeah,if it comes easy, maybe that's not
good. Okay. So yeah,I mean, you're pretty or nice,
you're interesting, you're successful, there'sgonna be lots of bees around. Yeah,
there's gonna be lots of bees.It's quality over quantity. Of course.
Let's say there's one hundred people approachingyou right now. You only need
(37:28):
one, Yeah, you only needone good one. So perhaps being more
difficult, not going on these mindlessdates and interact with toxic people who will
then become obsessive of you, butrather waiting and cultivating good friendships with maybe
one or two people that you seea potential could be a good way.
(37:50):
And if they're down and if theyunderstand your process, and I would like
be open minded and tell them,hey, this is where I'm at.
I'm in my growth era and youknow, improving myself as theme era.
And I really want someone to stickaround. Yeah, someone that I respect,
a friend, someone that I respect, because we know you only respect
people that work hard. So someonethat I respect, someone that I can
(38:15):
trust, someone kind. I needsomeone in my life like this. If
you feel like this is not somethingthat you can want to yeah, that
you want to engage in, Iwould say goodbye, and I wish you
the best. I mean I cando. Yeah, I'll just say that
to anybody. Be a challenge foryou because you do enjoy going on like
(38:37):
dates and have fun. I doenjoy the masculine energy. I love to
be overly feminine and for me tofeel feminine, I don't know what it
is. I feel like I needmasculinity around me, and I do struggle
with that. Like it makes alot of sense. Your father left,
your mom had to be very strongand be the provider, and you watch
(38:58):
that You're like, fuck no,and I grow up. I'm not going
to be that person. I wantto be feminine. I want to be
I want people to help me.I want to feel like I can rely
on someone. I want to besubtle. I want to be soft,
completely understandable. Right, Yeah,there is a strength in you though,
So there is masculine trait within you. Yeah, I know, yeah,
but I completely understand the desire tobe feminine and soft and be taken care
(39:21):
of. Now, we want tomake sure that you are finding and dating
the people that will appreciate the femininitybut also strengthen your masculinity and be there
for you and say you can doit. I believe in you. Yeah,
go get this job. I believein you. You're going to do
so amazing. I'm here for you. I know I do need. I've
(39:44):
never had a rather than oh Iwant you to be my housewife. And
if that's your desire, that's fine, But it seems like you do love
doing these I do working. Ineed. I've never had a supportive significant
other, like I've never had someonewhen I'm doing something good or I have
accomplished things, they will they makeit a negative thing or they just huge
red flag it is. And Ithink I've just only had that where you
(40:06):
know it's or if you want meto be honest to you, I have
only had like very jealous partners ofme, like they'll be jealous of what
I'm doing in my success and it'sit's weird for me because they're they're males,
you know, so they're controlling anarcissistic The more success you have,
the more freedom you're going to have, the less control they have over you.
(40:28):
If you're not that successful, theycan control you, they can provide
resources. But if you're more successful, Oh no, she's going to fly
away. She's going to find someonebetter. Like it's very obvious. I
guess it is. I didn't realizehow obvious it was. Yeah, working
with a professional. Yeah, I'veseen this many times, and I want
to tell you the truth based onthe assessment of this session that I know
(40:54):
you can change. No, ofcourse, Yeah, I can tell that
you're very determined. Another thing,let me write down. Yeah, and
no I am, and I needto be not so determined where I'm rushing
my healing either. You know,I gotta because I'll be like I want
to heal tomorrow, and I knowthat that's not realistic either. Accepting the
process. Yeah, an average timeof people setting their dating goals and sex
(41:19):
goals and getting towards where they reportfeeling good about achieving their goals is at
least six months. I was goingto I was gonna say, I'll give
myself like six months. Six months, that's the magic number. Yeah.
Yeah, it doesn't seem like thatlong of a time. It is really
not. When you're a busy individual. Six months is so fast it is.
I feel like I'm still in twentytwenty three, Like where did it
(41:42):
go? I know it's so fast. I'm sad about it. Okay,
So I want to do a littlebit of a recap, okay, and
then your to do's okay, andthen we can do Like, of course,
we don't have to film it.We can do a monthly check in.
Let's do it, yeah for sixmonths. Yeah. So first off,
we talked about the top three characteristicsof a great friend, and you
(42:07):
had identified someone kind, someone thatyou respect, right, someone that works
hard, and someone that gives youreciprocal good energy, right, Like you
provide that to them, so youwant that from them. So your number
one actionable item is doing an auditof every person that you interact with weekly.
(42:30):
This is a big task. Yeah, only the people that you interact
with weekly. Right, So youmeet people that you because I mean you're
on set all the time. Youmeet people that you meet like once a
month. It's like, no,they're the peripheral people. We're talking about
core people, people that you talkto weekly. Take an audit, you
know, take your time, writeit down, maybe in a journal or
(42:52):
on your phone, Like, writedown these people. Like let's say if
there's ten people or five people,write them down, and then I want
you to rate them based on qualityof the three things that you just told
me it should have been a greatfriend. Yeah, from one to ten
of an overall assessment of your ownsubjective assessment. Let's say a friend named
(43:17):
Ashley. Where is she at basedon these good qualities from one to ten?
Like is she an eight out often kind of friend? Or is
she a four out of ten kindof friend? And where should be the
average? Where should where should be? Oh? I need to just cut
this person off, or oh maybeI can strengthen the bond and change our
(43:38):
dynamic. I would say anything lessthan five is worth cutting off. Okay,
Yeah, I'm gonna ask that next, anything less than magic number to
cut The magic number is five,okay, because imagine interacting with a very
average friend. Five out of tenis average, like mid, very mid
(43:59):
friend. Right, do you evenwant that in your life or do you
always want to high vibe? Likedo you always want to interact with people
that are like at least seven?Yeah? Of course. Yeah, so
for me, five is very forgiving. So yeah, first task, audit
everyone in your life that you interactwith weekly. Give them a score of
one to ten, and you know, anyone less than five is a cutoff.
(44:23):
And we already talked about the twomethods of like cutting off. It's
either you know, you have tojust distant yourself or like text them or
get on a phone call and havethat difficult talk. But if they're like
A two, feel free to justdistant yourself. You don't need to explain
yourself. Yeah. Yeah, ifthey're really so much you want to heal
and grow, Yeah, it's yourjourney. So that's your first task.
(44:44):
The second actionable item that you wantedto do is related to your self esteem
and growing your self esteem. I'veheard from your other podcast as well,
you guys were talking about affirmations,and in positive psychology, affirmations are extremely
powerful. I think it's been adoptedby a lot of like online gurus in
(45:06):
a way that like people that lovescience based things start to not trust the
method. But if you look intoacademic research on positive psychology, you'll see
one of the most successful methods ispositive affirmations. The second one being visualization.
Every professional athlete does visualization with likesports psychologists. So using affirmations,
(45:32):
I want you to craft five affirmationsbased on your top five qualities. You
know, I am an empathetic person, I am one of the kindest people
I know, I am like right, I am or these statements down five
of them, and I want youto look at them and read them every
(45:53):
single day. I do this formyself every single day, and I always
show up one hundred and twenty.Yeah, I'll do that. Can you
do that? Yeah? Absolutely,that's amazing. I love doing stuff like
that. I staid to read itand believe it. Yeah, and that
I think that's the disconnect. I'mgoing to tell you right now, the
first two weeks you won't believe it. Yeah. Yeah, you just read
(46:14):
it and think it's kind of silly. But whatever, keep doing Okay.
The growth is in the action,not the thoughts. So like, maybe
you think this is silly, butyou keep doing it, keep doing it,
keep doing it. Oh shit,maybe I am a lot. Maybe
I do have a lot to offer, Like, oh shit, maybe I
am the queen. Maybe you know, it's a privilege for people to talk
to me. So these five qualitiesyou wan to write down and then you
(46:37):
want to read them, like everysingle day, okay until we check in
again in a month, okay,yeah, every day. Okay, don't
miss a single day. I won't. Yeah, it's only even on my
Like, I'll keep it on mymaybe even change it to be your own
arm or something. Yeah, orchange it to your wallpaper. Okay,
(46:57):
yeaheah, five amazing things about fire. Okay, I'll do that. Yeah,
do it. You have to dothis seriously. I would have to
do it every single day. Iabsolutely. And then lastly, we're gonna
change the way you date. Uh, so are you dating right now?
Like? Are you seeing a coupleof people who talking to something? I
just like talk to people, okay, but not nothing physical. And I
(47:19):
do like go and sleep over atguys places, but that's not dating.
That's just actually strictly sleeping, noteven sad jobs. So their jobs,
well, it's like I just gowatch it's again trying to get that masculine
energy. So I'll just go watcha movie with them and then we'll fall
asleep and I'll leave in the morning. But I think that I'm just kind
of trying to feed that. Butno, I'm not dating. Okay,
(47:42):
So from now on, are youon like dating apps? How do you
date right? Rya or just theyjust DM me on Instagram? Usually?
Yeah? And then dating apps,I actually really don't even I just like
scroll and rye just like at aboredom. Okay, I think I'm like
one or two people from there.I want you to be honest completely honest
(48:05):
with time with them, that youare currently working on yourself and that the
next person you date you hope tobe the person that you're gonna be with
for a long time. You're gonnasay that when they're like, hey,
Sapphire, like you know fire photo, or like you you're so beautiful sexy,
or I saw this on TV aboutyou or whatever it is. However
(48:29):
they interact with you, to sayhey, because obviously if you're not interested,
you don't respond, right, right, right. So if you are
interested and you're responding, this iswhat I want you to say, is
that hey, Like let's say hey, Ryan, I don't know, is
this name triggering? No? Ijust want to make sure Hey Ryan,
like you know, like whatever yousay first, thing like pleasantries, things
(48:51):
for reaching out, or like youknow, I like you a profile photo
too, but I'm only looking toget married. Yes. Yeah, I
want you to say, first off, I want to be transparent. I'm
currently working on myself and the personthat I'm going on a date with next
is going to be someone that Isee myself with long term. Yeah.
(49:12):
Okay, when you say this,you're gonna get rid of all these unserthy
moths. In your life, andthere's no need to interact with one hundred
people when you only need one.You're right, Yeah, okay, I'm
gonna I always remember that statistic too, you only need one. I'm going
to say that just to get ridof some of them because I know that
they're not going to react and Ican just not even done. Yeah,
(49:32):
doesn't fit my life goals right now. I'm taking myself seriously. I'm improving
my self esteem. I'm improving myselfworth. I know what I bring to
the table. So next person Igo on a date with, it's going
to be someone I feel like deservesmy time. Ye, deserves me long
term? You're right? Are youthat person? Oh? No, okay?
Bye? Yeah, I don't needto spend time like chatting back and
(49:53):
forth, sending photos emojis no timefor that. It's a waste of right
time. Yeah it is. Howabout that. I'm going to do it.
I mean, the last one withthat one is a little like it's
going to be hard. That one'sgoing to be the hardest one. I
want you to try with one person. First, try with one person.
(50:13):
I want you to screenshot it,okay, to show me. Okay,
next time, next time someone reachesthis is accountability. I know that with
my current clients, some of themwill say in the session, it's in
the heat of the moment, they'relike, yes, improving myself, I'm
going to do all of these things. But then once they lose steam,
they kind of go back to theirprevious behavior. Yeah, okay, I'm
(50:35):
going to text it tonight. Ihave a few at least one that you
can achieve. Yeah, one andscreenshot it. Okay, I want to
see that you actually did it.Okay, Yeah, I'll do it.
I'm proud of you. Thank you. I'm really proud of you. Thanks.
You're a very honest person. Youare very self aware, which is
like so many people in the worlddon't even know that they have these issues,
(50:58):
right, but you're like, yes, I'm a where and I'm ready,
and that zero to one is veryhard, one to one hundred is
easy. So you're at one.Oh yay, thank you. I see
you in the month. I willsee you in a month.
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