April 16, 2024 • 44 mins
Hey, Heartbreakers! It’s time to put on your relationship investigation caps as Dr. Leslie Dobson, author of the Friendship Cleanse and Clinical and Forensic Psychologist, joins Elsa and James to discuss the psychological challenges of major relationship events, why women love trash TV, and how to stop a wife from pouncing on her houses family jewels!
Do you have a burning question to ask the Heartbreakers? Call the Heartbreakers Hotline at (833) 566-5577, email us at Heartbreakers@strawhutmedia.com, or tweet us at @HBpodcastlive!
Are you struggling with ADHD and focus? Try out Heartbreakers’ sponsor EndeavorOTC! Endeavor is the world’s first FDA-approved non-prescription video game treatment for adults struggling to maintain focus, keep track of things like phones and keys, and finish tasks. In the clinical trial, 83% of participants saw clinical improvement in their ability to focus and 73% of participants reported quality of life improvements! Try out EndeavorOTC today!
From Straw Hut Media
Do you have a burning question to ask the Heartbreakers? Call the Heartbreakers Hotline at (833) 566-5577, email us at Heartbreakers@strawhutmedia.com, or tweet us at @HBpodcastlive!
Are you struggling with ADHD and focus? Try out Heartbreakers’ sponsor EndeavorOTC! Endeavor is the world’s first FDA-approved non-prescription video game treatment for adults struggling to maintain focus, keep track of things like phones and keys, and finish tasks. In the clinical trial, 83% of participants saw clinical improvement in their ability to focus and 73% of participants reported quality of life improvements! Try out EndeavorOTC today!
From Straw Hut Media
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Straw media. Hey guys, weare back. How you doing else good?
(00:23):
I mean have a special guest doctor, Leslie. I don't mean when
we can have therapists and psychologists.About your psychologist, Yeah, I know,
that's what's its psychologist. And thenthere's the one one prescribes one doesn't,
right, So you don't prescribe whoryou do? I don't prescribe,
and I do a lot of psychologicaltesting. Oh so psychiatrist doesn't really dive
(00:44):
into objective psych testing. So Ilook at the IQs and I look at
violence risk assessment. Wow, isthat the forensics part of that? Okay,
we were going to ask, We'relike, we never like, Wait,
I didn't think that dead people neededtherapy forensic usually Okay, yeah,
that's not what that means. Whatis a forensic psychologist exactly? So I
used to work in prisons and statehospitals, and I would work with violent
(01:07):
offenders and I would assess their likelinessto reoffend if they got out, and
then I would rank it and oftentimestell a jury or a judge. They
would decide, luckily not me,if the person got out, but usually
they would listen to what you haveto say yeah, because we have the
science behind it. And now incivil litigation, I testify for as a
forensic psychologist for people who have beenraped or are being accused of rape,
(01:32):
and I give them this testing batteryto see if they're telling the truth,
and then I explain that to thejury as well. So you just like
ask them questions or like that's it. Like it's just a series of questions
and then you just naturally know orobviously from like your school. It's for
both. Like they're very structured interviewsand then they're very lengthy tests, like
(01:53):
one would be three hundred questions,five hundred questions all in one sitting.
We try. I try because Iwant clients to get bang for their buck.
Yeah ye, and I'm expensive.I'll have them answer the questions if
they get tired when you take abreak, because then it looks might look
like they're lying. Yeah. Ohso it's recorded too, yeah oh wow.
But everything has they have what wecall validity skills. They have like
(02:16):
truthfulness skills. So if you're tryingto look better, I can tell if
you're trying to look worse. Ican tell if it would be in someone's
behavior to is it their behavior thatyou know, or is it just the
words that they're saying. It's both, and it's how they answer the questions
like if I ask you the samequestion two different ways half an hour apart,
and you have different answers. Interesting, and are you tired or are
(02:38):
you lying? So does body languagecome into play? Can you read body
language like that too? When people? Yeah, I'm I'm very hyper vigilant,
Like what are the veins in people'sfaces? The veins? Wow?
Okay, so what Yeah, whatwould be like an example of someone lying?
Because I want to know now?So like maybe like like no,
(02:58):
I just want to Like I'm justcurious about Like I watched this one thing.
It was like if they look off, that kind of is like they're
lying or yeah, I mean,I think a good thing is to look
for a baseline consistency over time.So if you're sitting here talking to somebody
and you notice you get to anarea that they start to change a little
bit, then you're like, okay, there's probably some lying. So during
like the social niceties, everything's comfortable, the contact is good, but then
(03:23):
all of a sudden you want totalk about I found these eyelashes in the
trash can and I don't wear falseslashes? Who was that? Did you
cheat? And then they kind ofthe body gets tighter, the arms come
in. They're protecting themselves. Theeyesight or the eye contact is intermittent.
The rate of their speech is eitherfaster or slower. The tone, the
(03:45):
softness. I look at everything,right, So where are the hands?
How's the posture? There are certainhand movements we used to dominate an argument.
Are we sitting forward? Are wesitting back? Interesting? And I
just stare, you know, theshit out of people? I just dare.
Yeah, that could be like thatsounds so exhausting for you as you're
asking three hundred to five hundred questions, but you know what you are dealing
(04:10):
with, like or you were dealingwith really like you had to be like
that. Imagine if you evaluated someonewrong. Yeah, and it's a violent
situation, like there has to besomeone very good and there does have to
be three hundred questions. Yes,yes, like I'll evaluate you know,
like celebrities fighting over estates and thenthere's not a lot to lose on my
(04:30):
end. But if it's if it'ssomeone's life or custody case, yeah,
it's draining. It's basically get awaywith anything because you'll see it written.
My seven year old does the samething now, Like we'll be at dinner
and she'll be like, Daddy,what did you just think about? Oh,
she's really internalized. That's good.You wanted to be like that.
(04:55):
She's so she's so aware of peoplearound her, and we talk about child
safety and like, you know,how are you get to kick ass off
somebody who six feet tall grabs you? And we plan all of that not
to scare her because she feels empoweredby knowing it. So she's just very
alert and intuitive. I was tellingJames earlier that I'm doing EMDR and I
(05:16):
was trying to explain to him becausemy therapist explained it to me how the
vagus nerve doesn't connect. What isthis part the frontal lobe? Is that
what it is? A frontal lobeor something like that. She was explained
to me that like your body,anxiety and stuff like that actually never registers.
Am I saying it right to thefront part of the brain. And
that's why some people are anxious whenit's not an environment that's supposed to be
(05:38):
anxious. Right. Yeah, It'slike trusting your intuition. Like if you
feel weird in a situation but youdon't exactly know why, your body's telling
you something is weird. I know, in the past, in that situation,
something weird happened, but you don'thave the language yet, so you
trust her intuition. You get outof that situation, and later you might
have a memory where you're like,oh, now now I'm connecting to my
(06:00):
frontal lobe. Now I'm like,oh, that was weird because it reminded
me of a situation where I gotin trouble or something, or like can
the intuition be like your stomach hurting? Is that what kind of shape?
Yeah? And stuff that because Iwas like confusing those things too. I
was like what, I'm just whatabout anxiety just in general? Like if
that doesn't connect to anything like yourfront or lobe, Like what is what?
Is it just biological? Do youthink both both? I mean I
(06:25):
think we underestimate trauma too, youknow, like most of us have probably
had trauma in our lives and itkind of turns out to be anxiety.
So like a subconscious like wiring oflike a memory that's imprinted and then it
comes out in anxiety later and youdon't even know it because like sometimes,
I mean, we're so good atcompartmentalizing things, like sometimes, I mean
that's how you get through trauma sometimesto pretend it didn't happen and come outmentalize
(06:48):
and get so far away from itthat it doesn't even feel real. Or
you can totally make yourself forget something, and then later it'll come out because
like something, some other situation willcome out. I think in the moment,
you need it to kind of getthrough sometimes probably not the most healthiest
way, but maybe that's where alot of anxiety comes from. Sometimes I
would think, Yeah, for me, anyway is unresolved trauma. That then
(07:11):
and then you've gotten so far aheadin life from the time that it happened
that you're forgetting why that has happened. But then you build like these weird
new ways of coping or dealing.Yeah, that that then give you anxiety
because it's all this unresolved, likeprinted into your DNA. You're going to
dig it back up, and that'sthe scarier party it up. Yeah,
(07:33):
I mean, it's pretty rare thatsomeone has a peaceful mind, But you
look at other people sometimes and youthink, oh god, they seem so
normal. They're not. I cantell you. I mean they're probably losing
their ships, their front door open. So yeah, like everyone is fucked
(07:53):
up. It's true. Maybe that'sa good thing. So then we all
don't have to be so hard ateach other because we're all most Yeah,
well it's just life. That's thething. I'm in program, so I
like I do aa. So alot of that is so interesting to me.
It's only been a couple of years, but hearing things that you just
think that you're so unique about,like and that I'm the only one going
through this situation. There's all thesepeople sharing and it was weird to me
(08:15):
at the beginning that you can't havea dialogue with people. It's just people
sharing this story. It's so funnyhow much you learn through just hearing someone
else's story because you identify with themand you go, wow, I'm not
the only one. Like, everyonereally goes through a lot of the same
things. We just don't talk aboutit, so we all feel very isolated
in our feelings. It's so kindof mind going to be like, oh
my god, we all just areliving the same experiences. We're just not
talking about them. Yeah, it'strue. We love your book called The
(08:39):
Friend Cleanse. You know, wegot to bring it to I can fail
you very please, because you knowwhat every podcast we do is always about
friend problems with friends or even offriends with benefit. So, yeah,
do you want to tell us alittle bit about the book. Yeah.
What I noticed was that during COVID, people were happier in their relationships really
(09:03):
because they prioritized seeing the most importantpeople to them, and then they had
this external permission to say no tothe social interactions they didn't want. And
so what I started thinking was,why do we need an external permission?
Why does COVID have to be ourpermission to stay away from people who are
shitty? And so that's kind ofthe book is, is that we step
(09:26):
back and we kind of look ateveryone in our life and our energy,
and you could look at it asa day or a week or a year,
and how do I want to getto the end of each week and
still have enough energy for myself tolove myself and to be happy. And
so I came up on my website. We made this sphere where you can
(09:46):
put yourself in the middle and thenyou can drop your friends like make little
emojis for them. You can dropthem all around you on the sphere in
different layers, and you can seeyour cup of energy go up or down.
So for me having a two yearold who's always going to suck the
life out of me, I haveto be careful how I let in my
inner circle. But as he getsolder, I can let more people in
(10:07):
and maintain my energy. Yeah,And so what I loved was seeing after
COVID and people started going back intothese toxic relationships, they got less happy,
and so we started talking about whyare you less happy? And they
were able to identify the pressure tobe around people they didn't like and it
(10:28):
was sucking their energy. What wouldbe like some signs of bad friends that
you've heard people talk about, becauseI also think that people don't know what
a bad friend is and you knowwhat's normal or not Always I'm like saying
I have bad friends, but it'slike, what is that piece that's making
me feel like they're a bad friend? Like you know what I mean?
Like obviously dishonesty took the energy outof you and not giving you any but
(10:50):
sometimes people suck the energy out andthey're not even saying anything and like what
is that, you know, likejust their presence, Like they're not even
opening their mouth and I'm tired.Like once I've left, know what it
is their own unresolved issues, right, Like we're billing out of their pores.
Yeah, I mean there is likeyou can feel the emotions in the
(11:11):
room of the people around you,and then if you're more empathic, you're
going to take it in. Yeah, that's why we have the social battery
that goes down becathic. We werejust saying, like there's only so many
hours we really enjoy being out,but it does get to that point where
you're like I got to check thefuck out, Like to get the energy
back. Anyway, how would someonelike replenish their like battery, you know
(11:31):
what I mean, Like their theiremotional battery between work friends? Like how
does is it just staying home andkind of like gathering yourself. I mean,
there are people in your life thatgive you energy, right, there
are people that make you feel moreenergetic, happier, and more fulfilled.
So I think prioritizing your time tomake sure you're allowing those people's space in
(11:52):
your life, and then also havingrealistic expectations Like I have friends who text
and we always talk about going out, but we know ever get there.
Yeah. So if I say tomyself, Okay, this is my texting
friend, I'm not gonna lose energyor be sad that nothing ever comes to
fruition. That's reserving my energy.Yeah. Or I have a friend who
(12:13):
she's in Jersey and she would behere in a second if I needed her,
but we could go ten years withoutseeing each other and nothing changes.
But I set that expectation for myself. So I'm redefining the friendships so that
I don't waste energy being hopeless.Yeah. I think that. I that's
what a lot of people do becauseobviously, like when someone's like, yeah,
(12:35):
let's go to dinner Thursday, thenit never happens. You're kind of
like that's a bad friend there.I do like how you're saying, like
the expectation, like some people justdon't have the capability outside of certain things.
And it might sound realistic right tobe like, well why can't you
go to this dinner, but theyjust don't have that whatever. It is,
like that capability different. So personallywhen someone does like like people would
(12:56):
take it personally when I don't showup to something of their But it's just
like that certain environment where there's allof those people around and it's not like
that kind of it's just not myspeed or you know, certain times not
answering, Like if I don't answerthe calls to some people, some people
just get it. Like I havethose friends that are like like, totally
understand, you don't need to answermy call. He'll come back around when
he's ready, maybe because they're notmiserable in their life, right. The
(13:20):
thing they're trying to suck the energyout of those friends that have a problem
with it. It's like, thisisn't about you trying to be a bad
friend. I'm there for you ifyou need me, I'll be there in
a second. But we don't haveto, you know, have these expectations
on each other. Yeah, Likedistance doesn't mean negativity, right, it
means we're just living our lives.Yeah, but when we fill it with
negativity or assumptions or people who dothat, it can be a really dreaming
(13:45):
to be around a friend just sothat they don't feel it with negativity.
Yeah, and it's a lot somepeople really want you to feel what they're
feeling though, like those people thatjust make you like if they're having a
bad date. If I'm having abad date, I'm not telling anyone about
it. I'm going to go Iretreat, isolate and like figure out what's
going on. Now, that's notthe best thing to do. It's just
hotly, but I don't want tomake everyone I have some friends that are
(14:07):
like they want everyone else to feelexactly the way they're feeling. I'm like,
oh my god, can you atleast act casual, like having good
time, because like this is toomuch? Yeah, you know that's the
insight, right is we learn overtime who we are. I feel like
when I hit forty, that wasa huge moment. Maybe I finally gave
myself permission to just say fuck itand fuck off more selfish. Yeah,
(14:28):
And I don't know, I hadto like get to it with life experiences,
age and time, and I wasjust like, Wow, I'm way
happier now. How do you likeas just being a human and then helping
people with their issues, but youhave your own issues. I know obviously
it's completely separate from your client's problemsand stuff, but how do you not
let a bad day dictate how yougive someone therapy. It's gotten easier over
(14:52):
time. Yeah, Like if Ireally you know, set my mind up
to be present for them and readprior notes and you know, get into
the headspace. And I'm a reallytransparent person. I know a lot of
therapists aren't, but I'll tell them, like, you know, I'm struggling
today. And ethically, we shouldn'tshow up to a session if we can't
(15:13):
be the best for the client,so we should reschedule or something. But
if I know I've had a clientfor three years and we're really connected and
I can tell him, you know, like I've had a rough day but
I still want to be there foryou, then then we build that connection
there and that is therapeutic for himtoo. Yeah, and to know that
you're not a robot, like thisis a person that also, because like
(15:35):
that's the thing the therapist I've hadin the past, it just feels very
rehearsed and like I'm reading from thebook and that's it. And also then
I became friends with them because likeI want people to like me, so
like I'll make it. Ye,he hangs out with his I am not
hanging out in them. But thenI don't really reseect them because I'm here
too much. Ale, it justseems so bad. I just can't believe
(15:56):
that's ever happened. Honestly, Boom, did you fire them and then hang
out? No? We were stillYeah. I even had to start charging
for extra sessions because I used tobe supported by my father's disease to stake.
So I was like, can youcharge some extra bills and then give
me the money? I mean maybe, like in Hollywood, it's so bad.
(16:21):
Well, I had an account atthis restaurant down the road and I
needed the bills. Yeah. Yeah, I would make her pay it,
and she would invoice my dad's estateto get then we would go to lunch.
Was so bad for a therapist todo like that is so she was
more nuts than I was. I'mlike, okay, well we talked your
therapy, but you can keep payingmy bill off of the money that eventually
(16:42):
was for me. Good. Iknow, yeah, I mean I can
hire it all the time because clientsare suing therapists because they had sex.
Oh, and I'm like good andso like the first thing you learn in
school, there's this cheesy pamphlet therapynever involved sex. You have to say
that. I can't believe you haveto say it. And then I'm like
(17:03):
like googling it, trying to likefind it and print it and give it
to the new client because I'm like, you shouldn't be sleeping with your old
there. How does that even starthappening? I think it's that like that
special connection. I think that's sobad that I can't even believe. I
mean, I'm sure that happens.It happened a lot. I'm surprised it
(17:26):
happens a lot, like a panp. The therapist is bad in this situation.
The client is just like if you'regoing to go and get certified and
do attle, like you should know, like I mean what therapist is like,
yeah, fucking the clients is definitelywhat I should the office or oh
yeah, and then they lead toit leads to dating and then you know,
therapy extends to the bed and butit's because you get yeah, the
(17:49):
emotional we were just saying, likewhen you really like it's it's the emotional
talking with the person that really likegets things. I mean, I guess
too, if the therapist is hot, I don't know, like who would
you like, I mean, likethat's why the therapist has to be really
transparent and boundary about you know,these are the rules, these are the
(18:10):
expectations. Yeah, I think ethicallyyou can terminate with a client and then
date two years later. In California, there's actual rules around it. People
are coming into a therapist that alsoin like a vulnerable state and being like,
can you save me? You say, and then it's like, you
know, because like that's usually thetransaction that happens with saving someone. It's
(18:30):
this authority role and then it becomesemotional and unmeshed and it's alm in a
powerful position. Don't have sex withyour therap it's probably not someone you should
be paying. That's called something else. Yeah, or if you are,
then this is a good point toknow that that's wrong. And seriously,
(18:55):
that kind of makes me sad alittle bit. Like, friend, what's
the level of letting someone be whothey want to be? Like, you
know, having your expectations on peopleto be a certain kind of person.
What's the blurred line? Because Ihave some friends in my life where I'm
like, Okay, that's not abehavior that I like, but why do
they have to act the exact waythat I want them to I still like
(19:17):
certain parts of them. Where's thecompromise, I think again, it's really
playing it out in your mind.You can't necessarily get rid of family in
every situation. But can you planahead? I know I haven't, But
can you plan ahead so you knowa family member you dislike is going to
be at Thanksgiving? Can you structureyour time and your interactions in a specific
(19:37):
way. Can you bring a wingman with you? Can you prepare ahead
of time topics you're willing to talkabout and then have a plan for out
when you don't want the topic covered. Really preparing a head knowing that there
is someone potentially draining you. Butmaybe they are good at cooking, and
maybe you enjoy cooking with them,and you can say, okay, I
(20:00):
can have this person in my lifeas somebody who I enjoy cooking with,
but not talking about my personal things, you know, not talking about my
relationships or judging me. So justtrying to be more in charge. Drive
in your own car, not lettingit drive you. Yeah, you're so
right. You got to start doingthat, you know. See, I
(20:22):
do, I do. I'm sucha people pleaser though, like I'd rather
just I haven't had a therapist fora long time. I need to find
a good one because it's important.I recommend some in the area. They're
really good. Oh thank you.Yeah, I would like that because I've
been meaning to do it for awhile. I've had bad experiences with therapists,
but I haven't, exactly for manyyears, even tried to find a
new one. And I know thatit is. I believe in it.
I think it's as important as allthe other ship that I waste money on,
(20:45):
like trainers and stuff like that.I mean, this is much better
because like I emotionally eat and thingslike that too, you know, all
unresolved stuff. Anyway, I'm ono zampic now, I'm fine. Okay,
so hot topics, let's get intothem. There you go. Don't
(21:07):
change the subject of dance on.What the fuck is this? Be so
shit? Four relationship events that changepersonality. For relationship events have been identified
to cards changes in a person's personality. One is entering a new romantic relationship
increases conscientiousness. Two getting married makespeople less open to new experiences. Three
(21:33):
having a child lowers extraversion, andfour divorce increases conscientiousness. What do these
mean? How one might one preparefor these changes. Has anyone noticed any
of these changes anything that anyone's relatingto? Well, definitely, when I
enter in a new relationship, Ireally do feel like very vibrant into life
(21:56):
life, just like very you know, totally. You know, that's the
time where I stop emotionally eating iswhen I'm getting into a new relationship because
I'm fulfilling that whole with some otherIt's hard to maintain though, And honestly,
I feel like getting married does sometimesmake people less open to new experiences
for whatever reason. I mean,I've done it too. When I've been
married, just naturally stop everything,and I just wonder why I do that.
(22:18):
There's no excuse, nothing's changing,So I don't know. People try
and become one and then it's justlike, oh, well, we are
one. It should be complimentary,not supplementary. And that's when people go
into those relationships and just feel likewhy do they do that? Why do
people get married and then stop?Do you know? Or really, I've
seen a lot of people get marriedfor the wrong reasons. Okay, maybe
(22:41):
that's what it really is. ButI've seen wonderful marriages where they compliment each
other and they keep pushing each otherout of their comfort zone. Yeah,
we have so many in California.The divorce rate it's high, right,
amazing. I wonder what it's at, like what percentage over fifty? I
was going to say, it's probablylike seventy. Honestly, there was someone
oh RuPaul the other that I wassaying that no one is ever going to
(23:03):
be faithful and they shouldn't be askedto. It was like a controversial take,
but he was saying on another podcastthat you should never tell your partner
that this is off limits to someoneelse. Why would you want to put
those restrictions on your what you thinkabout that? I don't think it would
work in my relation's shame and tosay to someone that pois mine I just
(23:23):
said. Everyone was like hating inthe comment, saying like, wow,
that's a hot take. Oh yeah. I mean imagine your significant other being
like this is for everybody. Yeyeah, and it walks out of the
door. I'd be like, I'veseen it, Like I've seen couples work
it out and want it, butit never ends well and it's usually pressured
(23:47):
by one couple who has more oflike a sex addiction or some trauma around
sex or issues that they need towork on and that they can't be at
peace with their spouse. I noticedsomething that because this made me think of
it. As I've been like healingmyself in therapy, I am less promiscuous.
I remember them explaining it to me, like when you really start to
(24:10):
like heal yourself for whatever reason,like I just don't feel so promiscuous because
you're not reaching for outside. Yeah, I didn't realize really that's what it
was like. And I know thatit's like, oh duh, but it's
like, you know, no,you're definitely because you're feeling yourself up,
like you're just like charging emotionally,and then you don't need those things.
Like what you were saying, thesex addict thing is like a relationship that
needs to cheat. They're like,I mean, there's no amount of sex
(24:33):
that can fulfill them, so onerelationship it's definitely not gonna work. I
think it was for sure a sexaddict. Yeah, a lot of people
are. But it's if it's notsex, it's everything. If it's not
sex, ex if it's not thatit drugs an alcohol, it's all that
holl though you need to feel it'sGod or God of your understanding. But
it's true, like building that confidenceand that self identity, you know,
(24:56):
and that peace in yourself negates allthe other bullshit put ourselves through. I
like it well, I mean,it's all just life too. I tried
it. Like, you know,eventually we have to be not so hard
on ourselves because it is just likegrowing and adapting and changing. But it
is nice. I mean, you'regood at that stuff, like you're always
working on yourself emotionally. Well.I have to, because I have to.
(25:18):
That's my job is to be mentallystable. If I'm not mentally stable,
I don't nothing, nothing comes togetherexactly, I won't pay my bills,
said all right. A man inFrance was tired of not having male
birth control, so he invented hisown. Samuel Flambard is a Belgian man
who was reported to be teaching peoplehow to make male birth control rings called
(25:41):
the Outco contraception. The ring wasreported to push the testicles up into that
pelvic area to cook testicles to hirethe normal temperature. It sounds dangerous.
This is said to disrupt the normalsperms production cycle and cause temporary infertility or
forever. I just made that up, but like, this sounds dangerous.
There's almost no clinical gut data tosupport the safety or effectiveness. Why is
(26:04):
there a male resistance to birth controlwhere like we need to come up with
these crazy things. My thought immediatelyis drag queens already do this, right,
so he's not that he's not thatinventive, but it's not healthy.
Why is there a resistance to maila birth control like an actual pill,
like an actual way too? BecauseI actually thought I read this thing and
(26:26):
the reports back from the men weresaying that they didn't like their mood changing
and they did it, and Iwas like, that's what birth control does,
and so I think there actually ismaybe a way for them to take
a type of medication, just theydon't want to do it. And I
don't think you should be pushing yourballs all the way up into your stomach
and when they do want to havea baby, you're going to be fucked
because yeah, I don't like that. That sounds crazy. It's like maneuver
(26:49):
ring, do you remember, yes, all the shit that we have to
do, but yeah, birth controlring. And when they explain it to
you, they make the rings soundlike it's so small but it literally is
like this. It's it's it's decentsize, and you squish it down,
you shove it up, and thering actually like yeah, and the ring
actually releases hormones throughout your box.Just stays in there, Yeah, just
(27:11):
stays in there for three weeks.You take it out for one week,
and then that's when you get yourperiod. That's like an old I haven't
been on that in so long.You want to do it in the fridge,
Yeah, you have to keep itin the and then I would take
mine out, and I remember thedoctor saying, don't let it leave it
out for more than three hours.So I would take it out for a
sex, but sorry, you gottaput my maneuver ring back up. Like
it's just like, okay, medicalscience hates women because you literally all these
(27:34):
things is like, let's torture theship and release hormones into their bodies and
make them shop things off there.But guys don't even worry about putting a
condom on. They got you COVID. That's what I did get about.
Do you watch Love Is Blind?Yes? I just watched the reunion last
night. Oh I didn't watch theI didn't watch it. You should You're
gonna actually love the way Clay talksand how he fixed himself, and I
(27:56):
was like, I've never heard aman talk like this before. Like I
was so impressed by him. You'reeating disturbed me just the way he ate
on the show, So you're oneof those I can't stand the chewing,
just like or the way he organizedhis food and ate. I just thought
it was you really like the wayhe speaks. I was like, wow,
(28:18):
oh good, okay, yeah,but anyways, you were saying love
is blind and oh that that theone couple was so focused on how she
wouldn't take birth control but they havecondoms, and it was like the level
of education was so SuPAR I was. I was shocked they talk about that
during the reunion because one of thequestions was why not condoms And the guy
literally said she had to teach meabout like birth control and like the female
(28:42):
body, and like how like,I'm sorry, but we did learn that
in fourth fifth grade and how thereproductive system works. Like he didn't want
to have sex with his girlfriend wifething because he was so scared to get
her pregnant and she didn't want totake birth control. I'm like, so
condoms also like I'm sorry, butI don't how to cut it so close
to her, Like there's a beforeit was very bizarre. You know there's
(29:07):
non hormonal ideas and stuff, butyou're on a world platform and you don't
know that a condom is Like andthey weren't that they're not that young.
I noticed because I was like lookingat their ages recently, was like,
these people have to be like eighteennineteen. They're actually not. They're like
twenty five, twenty six. Likethat's kind of old to not know about
birth control. Maybe it was scripted, though I have never know. It
(29:29):
has to be old American, Likeare they from here? On? Love
is Blind? Yeah? Why?Yeah? Yeah, I was one of
those twisted ones. I think Merredithfirst, you're probably watching ninety Yes,
that's sick. I'm like, ohmy god, let her go. She
needs someone call her parents to goback to wherever she was from. There's
a love of Love is Blind Australia. Then there's they haven't get into some
of these shows. I mean Ihear about them all day. I love
(29:52):
them. I love trash. Yeah, well it's healthy for a female brain
to watch trash TV comment Really Yeah, else it's healthy for a female brains
too. Well. The research isthat like if you have ADHD and then
you take so you're overactive, andthen you take a stimulant, they counteract
each other and you calm down.So that's kind of like how women are.
We're overactive and we need like thedrama of Bravo and then we calm
(30:15):
down. But because guys tend tobe kind of underactive, Bravo will often
help them plug the shit out ofthem. Oh yeah, because they're always
like, maybe I don't want towatch this. They always make My husband
gets very angry when he hears,like the Reunion the Houseos of Miami and
they're just screaming at each other,and I feel calm. I'm like,
I'm gonna go to bed now.Yeah, me too. I always fall
(30:37):
asleep to it, honestly, eventhe Murder Ship. I know I need
to stop, but I do lovethem. I love watching You don't just
stop talking about that with me,because I think that's like my jam It's
a female thing. I'm telling you. Four stresses that impact bisexual mental health.
Bisexuality is a complex issue that doesn'treceive a life of coverage in medical
(31:00):
news ecosystem. There are four majorstresses that deeply affect by people's mental health.
Double discrimination, the struggles of experiencingbiphobia and monosexism internalized by negativity,
struggles of self acceptance, biiratia,identity uncertainty, the challenges of all of
these. You know what I thinkthis is what's interesting about this is,
(31:22):
in my mind, being a gayman, even bisexual was always a stop
over to being gay. But nowI'm starting to rethink that. Like I
used to make fun of bisexual people, not actively like at them, but
I'd be like, that's not areal thing, because you either like one
or you like the other. Butthere are a lot of bisexual people now,
especially the younger ones, because there'sbeen so exposed to like we can
be with whoever we want. Thereare bisexual people out there that want both.
(31:47):
Yeah, I hopefully agree to that. I think there's definitely you can
be the stress these bisexuals and stress. We need to help them. We
need bisexual awareness. They're internalizing thejudgment of everyone around them and then they
can't find peace with it and beingtold that that's not a real sexual orientation
by people who are on both sidestelling them that you know, people are
(32:07):
telling them that they're we want tohave them the straight. When you say
that everybody has some bisexuality in them, if it's not necessarily physical sexuality,
but emotional connection, like everyone hasbisexual intimacy at some point in them with
a bisexual guy because they're kind ofstraight. I know. I want to
(32:30):
I want to know why gay guysalways want to straight because they're masculine.
I mean, for Seren, forsome guys, some guys like flamboyant,
but I'm pretty fam as it is. I think I need a guy or
else I just be with a woman. Get you like a really tough surgeon,
Yes, can I have that?Yeah? You walk around the hospital
(32:52):
and oh, actually, do youknow any therapists that are like gay?
And then because you can't sleep withthem. But I don't want therapy from
that that guy. I need adifferent kind of therapy. She's going to
be exhausted dating you how to handleit and like subliminately fix me. Maybe
(33:12):
should we get into the hotline.Caller's abusive mom wants to move in with
(33:37):
them after she was forced to sellher home. A caller is facing a
problem as her mom asked to moveinto her home with her partner after the
mom gambled away her retirement savings andcould no longer keep her house. The
call states that she was forced tomove out at eighteen and was never able
to get help from her mother duringcollege or rough times, and was never
able to move in with her.When the caller was struggling, should she
(33:58):
let her move in or tell herto get lost a bad parent? I
would say no, no, right, but maybe have a plan to soften
the blow first. I would wantto build up their confidence and their decision,
you know, and really understand whyit's not a healthy choice, and
then offer ways that we can stillhelp the mom and not feel like we're
(34:22):
completely throwing her to the curb.Maybe like I'm answering her phone calls still,
would that be like helpful or maybethat's even to think that's a good
Yeah, answering a phone question,but maybe setting like a time that you
answer the calls. You know,it's not close to bed, so you
don't script your bedtime. It's notfirst thing in the morning. You script
(34:43):
your day and maybe once a weekor maybe not even or something Yeah,
what we call in psychology we callthe behavior plans, So like, we
want to look at someone's behavior andmove all of the situations and elements around
so that we can get the behaviorwe want at the end of the day.
So if you you want mom tobe better, then when mom's in
a good mood, you can giveher a little more time on the phone,
(35:05):
give her a little more attention.When mom's being negative, then you
cut your time down, and soyou start to curb the behavior so mom
knows she gets more of you whenshe's being better. Do you think they
actually get it? Like that?Say what if they don't get it?
They don't need to, right theystart. It's just an internalized reward system
that they start to follow a correlationthat like, oh, I'm getting less
(35:27):
time the more I'm a bitch.Some I think sometimes what if the parent
still is like, doesn't take nofor an answer, because that can happen
to you know, just reading howthe mom has gambled away her money.
She clearly lacks so much boundary.She supposed her to move out at eighteen.
You never helped her. I wouldremind her of that and say,
ah, yeah, well would youyou just say, don't answer the phone
(35:50):
calls anymore, or I would wantto know what it feels like after the
phone call, like I would wantto know, Okay, there's an addiction
going on, and is the addictionin everyone? What's enabling the situation to
continue being bad? And then howcan we start to curb it to make
it better? Yeah, you know, and we enable things so subtly that
(36:13):
we don't realize it. How doyou like relieve yourself if you're feeling guilty
even though you know you shouldn't behelping a parent? That's great in therapy.
Like, I love journaling. Ilove reminding myself through journals, and
I have numerous journals, Journals thatare based on mantras, just positive sayings,
or journals where I will talk aboutthings I'm proud of. Journals to
remind me of my decisions and whyI had to set boundaries with people that
(36:37):
I set boundaries with. Journals oftraumas. I'll just have a list to
remind myself of everything I've been through. We doubt ourselves so much, especially
when a parent is so strong,that we need to have almost external evidence
to remind ourselves to stay strong andin our message and supporting ourselves and then
keeping friends around in family that thatwill support us when we start to waiver
(37:02):
is really important. I've got toget into generally you're grade. No,
I love journaling. Yeah, justgetting it out on pay a psychothetic.
Sometimes I'll repeat the same sentence.Sometimes it won't make sense. It doesn't
matter if it's spelled, Like becauseI was journaling where I was like that
sentence doesn't make sense. I'm like, that's nobody's reading this, like yeah,
only, yeah, you really shoulddo it. I try to do
(37:22):
it at least three times a week. It's like that practice. You got
to just get in the habit ofit. Yet to do that and a
couple of pages too, it getsout of your head then. And what
I love is like, don't keepit in your bedroom, like at night,
say goodbye to the journal. Likeput it somewhere in the family room
and a drawer and say this iswhere my worries are going to live.
You'll start to like it too.Like there's been times now where I've journaled
(37:45):
and my hand hurts, you know, like actually really is relieving. There's
been times where I've burned the note, you know that kind of like help
to love that yeah, or shadowwork. Have you heard of that.
That's very trendy on TikTok. It'slike reparenting your inner child. And there
are shadow work journals that kind ofwalk you through envisioning who you were as
(38:07):
a kid and what you didn't get. You know, like I didn't get
the attention I wanted as a kid. I had three sisters, and I
always felt kind of like the blacksheep. So in the shadow work,
I go back and I as myselfgives the emotions that that little girl needed
at that time, and it likebuilds your confidence. It brings a sense
(38:28):
of peace to trauma again pre languagetrauma that we don't even really know is
there that could be leading to anxiety. I'm going to look that up.
I actually really like that shadow I'msure it'll come up on TikTok. Now,
yeah, listening, all right,we got two more questions. Kola
feels guilty about her sexuality as awoman. She's a self claimed sexual woman
(38:52):
who feels guilty about how much shelikes sex. She really wants a boyfriend
to have casual sex with everyone,but is too scared of being and a
slut. She lives in a veryconservative town and is as a woman says
she's been conditioned to hate sex andis supposed to be married. How can
she break this mental block? Andwhy is Western culture so focused on sex
(39:14):
yet it rejects female sexual liberation?Interesting, so she needs to move yeah
one, like so many women feellike that and everyone is so repressed.
It's like, oh, sex isbad, sexual parts are dirty. Like
it's like such a weird religious thing. I feel like I was, especially
(39:35):
the religion. It's hard to movethough. That's a tough one to be.
Like, Okay, you buy andyou know you're not going to really
see the people from you know whatI mean and live the same. That
change is crazy, Like I'm surewhen you came from Australia you were like,
oh my, Like yeah, whenI walked down the street in West
Hollywood and everyone was holding hands,it was just like oh and people would
actually like cat call you in thestreet and I loved it. I was
(39:57):
like, I'm staying here. Honestly, That's the and the reason I state
it because people openly were like theywould say it if they thought you were
hot, they would, I don'tknow, hump your leg. And I
liked it like a dog. Yeah, it's a subculture. I really like,
like if there's a gold therapy ora gold of life to just be
able to lay out all your shiton the table, everything and just own
(40:20):
it and not care who picks throughit or who sees it. And if
like we can strive for that,then she likes sex, gets sex.
But if it makes you miserable,then figure that out too. Yeah,
what's your motivation behind it? Ifthat's pure, your intention is pure to
enjoy yourself, then you do needto move so you're not so judged in
that little shit town. And thenyeah, I enjoy that sex. If
that's if you're doing it for theright reasons. Yeah, to discuss that
(40:43):
before else. You know, aslong as you're enjoying yourself and it's not
for some sort of other need thatyou're trying to satisfy, it's the wrong
thing. You'll just have to keepdoing it over and over again until you
figure out it's not the sex thatyou're looking for. Yeah, like I
yes, exactly, That's why weall have such like this many people this
girl could probably relate on some ofthe live She is just you know,
(41:04):
wanting the d which some of usreally I don't know how she is too.
I know when you're young like thattoo, it's so exciting, you
know what. I butt you.She's like eighteen nineteen, you know,
yeah, exactly, And then that'stotally normal. I mean, and don't
think about what other people think ofyou. Oh god, you'll waste your
life. Then you'll become me.I'm gonna say, yeah, all right.
(41:28):
The last question, Cola's sex lifewas ruined because they did boudoir pics.
Boudoir so funny. Cola decided todo a boa photoshoot for her boyfriend
as a spicy birthday present. However, the present backfired as the boyfriend is
pissed that another man saw her naked. As the caller described, the photo
photographer was gay and she was notattracted to him in any way. Could
she take the photos back or justleave him out right? It's a little
(41:52):
excessive jealousy. Yeah, yeah,I mean a husband that gay or not,
it's still a guy looking at yourwife. I can see upsetting.
But that's where you should have healthycommunication and a relationship to and for the
photos like that's a photographer, likethat's their job to take the photos.
And yeah, maybe she was like, oh shit, this is a guy
(42:12):
and not a girl. But it'slike if you get a massage and a
guy does it, it doesn't makeit. I mean, that's worse because
it's like someone touching you. Yeah, I don't know. It's a job
like it's the photographer is doing hisjob and she's just trying to make a
present out of it. And thephotographer is gay, you know, and
I complain. I think it's overreaching. Over reaching. He's not a good
(42:36):
guy for saying that to you,making you feel bad about a present that
you're trying to give to him.It just speaks to his insecurity. Yeah,
unless you have sex with the photographer, Like I really like it's a
present for them that's not landed theway that the intended. No, it's
like he's projecting his own insecurity underher and not seeing what a great gift
that is. I want a giftlike that. I still can't months away
(43:00):
from getting a sexy bed work.Should I want to be in shape?
Okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I guess get out of it.
But I would like to. Youshould do like a fake pregnancy one.
Oh I could do that now?All right? Well, this was so
fun Thank you so much for comingin. Do you have anything you'd like
to plug? Let us know yourlinks way can we find you doctor Leslie,
(43:22):
Doctor Leslie Dobson on everything amazing,and go out and get your doctor
Leslie's book. The Friend Clent's available, everyone can pay. It's ever It's
on Amazon, and there's a Kindleversion and we're working on a laudible audible
version. We're working on it now. Yeah, I'm going to definitely do
the audible one. Yes. Canpeople book sessions with you if they want
to on your site and stuff,Yeah, you can contact me and it's
(43:45):
doctor Lesliebibson dot com. And thenthat the sphere I described is free to
just go on and play and niceand just see if it can help you
step back and and see your relationshipsdifferently. I'm gonna try it. Yeah,
I love to. Let's do it. We'll come back and report on
it. Let's do it, andwe'll yeah, tell me if it sucks
and I can fix that. Shewas honest. We'll be honest both ways.
(44:07):
Okay, although you take out thegrain of salt because we all right,
guys, thank you, and don'tforget to subscribe and like and have
the best week
Straw media. Hey guys, weare back. How you doing else good?
(00:23):
I mean have a special guest doctor, Leslie. I don't mean when
we can have therapists and psychologists.About your psychologist, Yeah, I know,
that's what's its psychologist. And thenthere's the one one prescribes one doesn't,
right, So you don't prescribe whoryou do? I don't prescribe,
and I do a lot of psychologicaltesting. Oh so psychiatrist doesn't really dive
(00:44):
into objective psych testing. So Ilook at the IQs and I look at
violence risk assessment. Wow, isthat the forensics part of that? Okay,
we were going to ask, We'relike, we never like, Wait,
I didn't think that dead people neededtherapy forensic usually Okay, yeah,
that's not what that means. Whatis a forensic psychologist exactly? So I
used to work in prisons and statehospitals, and I would work with violent
(01:07):
offenders and I would assess their likelinessto reoffend if they got out, and
then I would rank it and oftentimestell a jury or a judge. They
would decide, luckily not me,if the person got out, but usually
they would listen to what you haveto say yeah, because we have the
science behind it. And now incivil litigation, I testify for as a
forensic psychologist for people who have beenraped or are being accused of rape,
(01:32):
and I give them this testing batteryto see if they're telling the truth,
and then I explain that to thejury as well. So you just like
ask them questions or like that's it. Like it's just a series of questions
and then you just naturally know orobviously from like your school. It's for
both. Like they're very structured interviewsand then they're very lengthy tests, like
(01:53):
one would be three hundred questions,five hundred questions all in one sitting.
We try. I try because Iwant clients to get bang for their buck.
Yeah ye, and I'm expensive.I'll have them answer the questions if
they get tired when you take abreak, because then it looks might look
like they're lying. Yeah. Ohso it's recorded too, yeah oh wow.
But everything has they have what wecall validity skills. They have like
(02:16):
truthfulness skills. So if you're tryingto look better, I can tell if
you're trying to look worse. Ican tell if it would be in someone's
behavior to is it their behavior thatyou know, or is it just the
words that they're saying. It's both, and it's how they answer the questions
like if I ask you the samequestion two different ways half an hour apart,
and you have different answers. Interesting, and are you tired or are
(02:38):
you lying? So does body languagecome into play? Can you read body
language like that too? When people? Yeah, I'm I'm very hyper vigilant,
Like what are the veins in people'sfaces? The veins? Wow?
Okay, so what Yeah, whatwould be like an example of someone lying?
Because I want to know now?So like maybe like like no,
(02:58):
I just want to Like I'm justcurious about Like I watched this one thing.
It was like if they look off, that kind of is like they're
lying or yeah, I mean,I think a good thing is to look
for a baseline consistency over time.So if you're sitting here talking to somebody
and you notice you get to anarea that they start to change a little
bit, then you're like, okay, there's probably some lying. So during
like the social niceties, everything's comfortable, the contact is good, but then
(03:23):
all of a sudden you want totalk about I found these eyelashes in the
trash can and I don't wear falseslashes? Who was that? Did you
cheat? And then they kind ofthe body gets tighter, the arms come
in. They're protecting themselves. Theeyesight or the eye contact is intermittent.
The rate of their speech is eitherfaster or slower. The tone, the
(03:45):
softness. I look at everything,right, So where are the hands?
How's the posture? There are certainhand movements we used to dominate an argument.
Are we sitting forward? Are wesitting back? Interesting? And I
just stare, you know, theshit out of people? I just dare.
Yeah, that could be like thatsounds so exhausting for you as you're
asking three hundred to five hundred questions, but you know what you are dealing
(04:10):
with, like or you were dealingwith really like you had to be like
that. Imagine if you evaluated someonewrong. Yeah, and it's a violent
situation, like there has to besomeone very good and there does have to
be three hundred questions. Yes,yes, like I'll evaluate you know,
like celebrities fighting over estates and thenthere's not a lot to lose on my
(04:30):
end. But if it's if it'ssomeone's life or custody case, yeah,
it's draining. It's basically get awaywith anything because you'll see it written.
My seven year old does the samething now, Like we'll be at dinner
and she'll be like, Daddy,what did you just think about? Oh,
she's really internalized. That's good.You wanted to be like that.
(04:55):
She's so she's so aware of peoplearound her, and we talk about child
safety and like, you know,how are you get to kick ass off
somebody who six feet tall grabs you? And we plan all of that not
to scare her because she feels empoweredby knowing it. So she's just very
alert and intuitive. I was tellingJames earlier that I'm doing EMDR and I
(05:16):
was trying to explain to him becausemy therapist explained it to me how the
vagus nerve doesn't connect. What isthis part the frontal lobe? Is that
what it is? A frontal lobeor something like that. She was explained
to me that like your body,anxiety and stuff like that actually never registers.
Am I saying it right to thefront part of the brain. And
that's why some people are anxious whenit's not an environment that's supposed to be
(05:38):
anxious. Right. Yeah, It'slike trusting your intuition. Like if you
feel weird in a situation but youdon't exactly know why, your body's telling
you something is weird. I know, in the past, in that situation,
something weird happened, but you don'thave the language yet, so you
trust her intuition. You get outof that situation, and later you might
have a memory where you're like,oh, now now I'm connecting to my
(06:00):
frontal lobe. Now I'm like,oh, that was weird because it reminded
me of a situation where I gotin trouble or something, or like can
the intuition be like your stomach hurting? Is that what kind of shape?
Yeah? And stuff that because Iwas like confusing those things too. I
was like what, I'm just whatabout anxiety just in general? Like if
that doesn't connect to anything like yourfront or lobe, Like what is what?
Is it just biological? Do youthink both both? I mean I
(06:25):
think we underestimate trauma too, youknow, like most of us have probably
had trauma in our lives and itkind of turns out to be anxiety.
So like a subconscious like wiring oflike a memory that's imprinted and then it
comes out in anxiety later and youdon't even know it because like sometimes,
I mean, we're so good atcompartmentalizing things, like sometimes, I mean
that's how you get through trauma sometimesto pretend it didn't happen and come outmentalize
(06:48):
and get so far away from itthat it doesn't even feel real. Or
you can totally make yourself forget something, and then later it'll come out because
like something, some other situation willcome out. I think in the moment,
you need it to kind of getthrough sometimes probably not the most healthiest
way, but maybe that's where alot of anxiety comes from. Sometimes I
would think, Yeah, for me, anyway is unresolved trauma. That then
(07:11):
and then you've gotten so far aheadin life from the time that it happened
that you're forgetting why that has happened. But then you build like these weird
new ways of coping or dealing.Yeah, that that then give you anxiety
because it's all this unresolved, likeprinted into your DNA. You're going to
dig it back up, and that'sthe scarier party it up. Yeah,
(07:33):
I mean, it's pretty rare thatsomeone has a peaceful mind, But you
look at other people sometimes and youthink, oh god, they seem so
normal. They're not. I cantell you. I mean they're probably losing
their ships, their front door open. So yeah, like everyone is fucked
(07:53):
up. It's true. Maybe that'sa good thing. So then we all
don't have to be so hard ateach other because we're all most Yeah,
well it's just life. That's thething. I'm in program, so I
like I do aa. So alot of that is so interesting to me.
It's only been a couple of years, but hearing things that you just
think that you're so unique about,like and that I'm the only one going
through this situation. There's all thesepeople sharing and it was weird to me
(08:15):
at the beginning that you can't havea dialogue with people. It's just people
sharing this story. It's so funnyhow much you learn through just hearing someone
else's story because you identify with themand you go, wow, I'm not
the only one. Like, everyonereally goes through a lot of the same
things. We just don't talk aboutit, so we all feel very isolated
in our feelings. It's so kindof mind going to be like, oh
my god, we all just areliving the same experiences. We're just not
talking about them. Yeah, it'strue. We love your book called The
(08:39):
Friend Cleanse. You know, wegot to bring it to I can fail
you very please, because you knowwhat every podcast we do is always about
friend problems with friends or even offriends with benefit. So, yeah,
do you want to tell us alittle bit about the book. Yeah.
What I noticed was that during COVID, people were happier in their relationships really
(09:03):
because they prioritized seeing the most importantpeople to them, and then they had
this external permission to say no tothe social interactions they didn't want. And
so what I started thinking was,why do we need an external permission?
Why does COVID have to be ourpermission to stay away from people who are
shitty? And so that's kind ofthe book is, is that we step
(09:26):
back and we kind of look ateveryone in our life and our energy,
and you could look at it asa day or a week or a year,
and how do I want to getto the end of each week and
still have enough energy for myself tolove myself and to be happy. And
so I came up on my website. We made this sphere where you can
(09:46):
put yourself in the middle and thenyou can drop your friends like make little
emojis for them. You can dropthem all around you on the sphere in
different layers, and you can seeyour cup of energy go up or down.
So for me having a two yearold who's always going to suck the
life out of me, I haveto be careful how I let in my
inner circle. But as he getsolder, I can let more people in
(10:07):
and maintain my energy. Yeah,And so what I loved was seeing after
COVID and people started going back intothese toxic relationships, they got less happy,
and so we started talking about whyare you less happy? And they
were able to identify the pressure tobe around people they didn't like and it
(10:28):
was sucking their energy. What wouldbe like some signs of bad friends that
you've heard people talk about, becauseI also think that people don't know what
a bad friend is and you knowwhat's normal or not Always I'm like saying
I have bad friends, but it'slike, what is that piece that's making
me feel like they're a bad friend? Like you know what I mean?
Like obviously dishonesty took the energy outof you and not giving you any but
(10:50):
sometimes people suck the energy out andthey're not even saying anything and like what
is that, you know, likejust their presence, Like they're not even
opening their mouth and I'm tired.Like once I've left, know what it
is their own unresolved issues, right, Like we're billing out of their pores.
Yeah, I mean there is likeyou can feel the emotions in the
(11:11):
room of the people around you,and then if you're more empathic, you're
going to take it in. Yeah, that's why we have the social battery
that goes down becathic. We werejust saying, like there's only so many
hours we really enjoy being out,but it does get to that point where
you're like I got to check thefuck out, Like to get the energy
back. Anyway, how would someonelike replenish their like battery, you know
(11:31):
what I mean, Like their theiremotional battery between work friends? Like how
does is it just staying home andkind of like gathering yourself. I mean,
there are people in your life thatgive you energy, right, there
are people that make you feel moreenergetic, happier, and more fulfilled.
So I think prioritizing your time tomake sure you're allowing those people's space in
(11:52):
your life, and then also havingrealistic expectations Like I have friends who text
and we always talk about going out, but we know ever get there.
Yeah. So if I say tomyself, Okay, this is my texting
friend, I'm not gonna lose energyor be sad that nothing ever comes to
fruition. That's reserving my energy.Yeah. Or I have a friend who
(12:13):
she's in Jersey and she would behere in a second if I needed her,
but we could go ten years withoutseeing each other and nothing changes.
But I set that expectation for myself. So I'm redefining the friendships so that
I don't waste energy being hopeless.Yeah. I think that. I that's
what a lot of people do becauseobviously, like when someone's like, yeah,
(12:35):
let's go to dinner Thursday, thenit never happens. You're kind of
like that's a bad friend there.I do like how you're saying, like
the expectation, like some people justdon't have the capability outside of certain things.
And it might sound realistic right tobe like, well why can't you
go to this dinner, but theyjust don't have that whatever. It is,
like that capability different. So personallywhen someone does like like people would
(12:56):
take it personally when I don't showup to something of their But it's just
like that certain environment where there's allof those people around and it's not like
that kind of it's just not myspeed or you know, certain times not
answering, Like if I don't answerthe calls to some people, some people
just get it. Like I havethose friends that are like like, totally
understand, you don't need to answermy call. He'll come back around when
he's ready, maybe because they're notmiserable in their life, right. The
(13:20):
thing they're trying to suck the energyout of those friends that have a problem
with it. It's like, thisisn't about you trying to be a bad
friend. I'm there for you ifyou need me, I'll be there in
a second. But we don't haveto, you know, have these expectations
on each other. Yeah, Likedistance doesn't mean negativity, right, it
means we're just living our lives.Yeah, but when we fill it with
negativity or assumptions or people who dothat, it can be a really dreaming
(13:45):
to be around a friend just sothat they don't feel it with negativity.
Yeah, and it's a lot somepeople really want you to feel what they're
feeling though, like those people thatjust make you like if they're having a
bad date. If I'm having abad date, I'm not telling anyone about
it. I'm going to go Iretreat, isolate and like figure out what's
going on. Now, that's notthe best thing to do. It's just
hotly, but I don't want tomake everyone I have some friends that are
(14:07):
like they want everyone else to feelexactly the way they're feeling. I'm like,
oh my god, can you atleast act casual, like having good
time, because like this is toomuch? Yeah, you know that's the
insight, right is we learn overtime who we are. I feel like
when I hit forty, that wasa huge moment. Maybe I finally gave
myself permission to just say fuck itand fuck off more selfish. Yeah,
(14:28):
And I don't know, I hadto like get to it with life experiences,
age and time, and I wasjust like, Wow, I'm way
happier now. How do you likeas just being a human and then helping
people with their issues, but youhave your own issues. I know obviously
it's completely separate from your client's problemsand stuff, but how do you not
let a bad day dictate how yougive someone therapy. It's gotten easier over
(14:52):
time. Yeah, Like if Ireally you know, set my mind up
to be present for them and readprior notes and you know, get into
the headspace. And I'm a reallytransparent person. I know a lot of
therapists aren't, but I'll tell them, like, you know, I'm struggling
today. And ethically, we shouldn'tshow up to a session if we can't
(15:13):
be the best for the client,so we should reschedule or something. But
if I know I've had a clientfor three years and we're really connected and
I can tell him, you know, like I've had a rough day but
I still want to be there foryou, then then we build that connection
there and that is therapeutic for himtoo. Yeah, and to know that
you're not a robot, like thisis a person that also, because like
(15:35):
that's the thing the therapist I've hadin the past, it just feels very
rehearsed and like I'm reading from thebook and that's it. And also then
I became friends with them because likeI want people to like me, so
like I'll make it. Ye,he hangs out with his I am not
hanging out in them. But thenI don't really reseect them because I'm here
too much. Ale, it justseems so bad. I just can't believe
(15:56):
that's ever happened. Honestly, Boom, did you fire them and then hang
out? No? We were stillYeah. I even had to start charging
for extra sessions because I used tobe supported by my father's disease to stake.
So I was like, can youcharge some extra bills and then give
me the money? I mean maybe, like in Hollywood, it's so bad.
(16:21):
Well, I had an account atthis restaurant down the road and I
needed the bills. Yeah. Yeah, I would make her pay it,
and she would invoice my dad's estateto get then we would go to lunch.
Was so bad for a therapist todo like that is so she was
more nuts than I was. I'mlike, okay, well we talked your
therapy, but you can keep payingmy bill off of the money that eventually
(16:42):
was for me. Good. Iknow, yeah, I mean I can
hire it all the time because clientsare suing therapists because they had sex.
Oh, and I'm like good andso like the first thing you learn in
school, there's this cheesy pamphlet therapynever involved sex. You have to say
that. I can't believe you haveto say it. And then I'm like
(17:03):
like googling it, trying to likefind it and print it and give it
to the new client because I'm like, you shouldn't be sleeping with your old
there. How does that even starthappening? I think it's that like that
special connection. I think that's sobad that I can't even believe. I
mean, I'm sure that happens.It happened a lot. I'm surprised it
(17:26):
happens a lot, like a panp. The therapist is bad in this situation.
The client is just like if you'regoing to go and get certified and
do attle, like you should know, like I mean what therapist is like,
yeah, fucking the clients is definitelywhat I should the office or oh
yeah, and then they lead toit leads to dating and then you know,
therapy extends to the bed and butit's because you get yeah, the
(17:49):
emotional we were just saying, likewhen you really like it's it's the emotional
talking with the person that really likegets things. I mean, I guess
too, if the therapist is hot, I don't know, like who would
you like, I mean, likethat's why the therapist has to be really
transparent and boundary about you know,these are the rules, these are the
(18:10):
expectations. Yeah, I think ethicallyyou can terminate with a client and then
date two years later. In California, there's actual rules around it. People
are coming into a therapist that alsoin like a vulnerable state and being like,
can you save me? You say, and then it's like, you
know, because like that's usually thetransaction that happens with saving someone. It's
(18:30):
this authority role and then it becomesemotional and unmeshed and it's alm in a
powerful position. Don't have sex withyour therap it's probably not someone you should
be paying. That's called something else. Yeah, or if you are,
then this is a good point toknow that that's wrong. And seriously,
(18:55):
that kind of makes me sad alittle bit. Like, friend, what's
the level of letting someone be whothey want to be? Like, you
know, having your expectations on peopleto be a certain kind of person.
What's the blurred line? Because Ihave some friends in my life where I'm
like, Okay, that's not abehavior that I like, but why do
they have to act the exact waythat I want them to I still like
(19:17):
certain parts of them. Where's thecompromise, I think again, it's really
playing it out in your mind.You can't necessarily get rid of family in
every situation. But can you planahead? I know I haven't, But
can you plan ahead so you knowa family member you dislike is going to
be at Thanksgiving? Can you structureyour time and your interactions in a specific
(19:37):
way. Can you bring a wingman with you? Can you prepare ahead
of time topics you're willing to talkabout and then have a plan for out
when you don't want the topic covered. Really preparing a head knowing that there
is someone potentially draining you. Butmaybe they are good at cooking, and
maybe you enjoy cooking with them,and you can say, okay, I
(20:00):
can have this person in my lifeas somebody who I enjoy cooking with,
but not talking about my personal things, you know, not talking about my
relationships or judging me. So justtrying to be more in charge. Drive
in your own car, not lettingit drive you. Yeah, you're so
right. You got to start doingthat, you know. See, I
(20:22):
do, I do. I'm sucha people pleaser though, like I'd rather
just I haven't had a therapist fora long time. I need to find
a good one because it's important.I recommend some in the area. They're
really good. Oh thank you.Yeah, I would like that because I've
been meaning to do it for awhile. I've had bad experiences with therapists,
but I haven't, exactly for manyyears, even tried to find a
new one. And I know thatit is. I believe in it.
I think it's as important as allthe other ship that I waste money on,
(20:45):
like trainers and stuff like that.I mean, this is much better
because like I emotionally eat and thingslike that too, you know, all
unresolved stuff. Anyway, I'm ono zampic now, I'm fine. Okay,
so hot topics, let's get intothem. There you go. Don't
(21:07):
change the subject of dance on.What the fuck is this? Be so
shit? Four relationship events that changepersonality. For relationship events have been identified
to cards changes in a person's personality. One is entering a new romantic relationship
increases conscientiousness. Two getting married makespeople less open to new experiences. Three
(21:33):
having a child lowers extraversion, andfour divorce increases conscientiousness. What do these
mean? How one might one preparefor these changes. Has anyone noticed any
of these changes anything that anyone's relatingto? Well, definitely, when I
enter in a new relationship, Ireally do feel like very vibrant into life
(21:56):
life, just like very you know, totally. You know, that's the
time where I stop emotionally eating iswhen I'm getting into a new relationship because
I'm fulfilling that whole with some otherIt's hard to maintain though, And honestly,
I feel like getting married does sometimesmake people less open to new experiences
for whatever reason. I mean,I've done it too. When I've been
married, just naturally stop everything,and I just wonder why I do that.
(22:18):
There's no excuse, nothing's changing,So I don't know. People try
and become one and then it's justlike, oh, well, we are
one. It should be complimentary,not supplementary. And that's when people go
into those relationships and just feel likewhy do they do that? Why do
people get married and then stop?Do you know? Or really, I've
seen a lot of people get marriedfor the wrong reasons. Okay, maybe
(22:41):
that's what it really is. ButI've seen wonderful marriages where they compliment each
other and they keep pushing each otherout of their comfort zone. Yeah,
we have so many in California.The divorce rate it's high, right,
amazing. I wonder what it's at, like what percentage over fifty? I
was going to say, it's probablylike seventy. Honestly, there was someone
oh RuPaul the other that I wassaying that no one is ever going to
(23:03):
be faithful and they shouldn't be askedto. It was like a controversial take,
but he was saying on another podcastthat you should never tell your partner
that this is off limits to someoneelse. Why would you want to put
those restrictions on your what you thinkabout that? I don't think it would
work in my relation's shame and tosay to someone that pois mine I just
(23:23):
said. Everyone was like hating inthe comment, saying like, wow,
that's a hot take. Oh yeah. I mean imagine your significant other being
like this is for everybody. Yeyeah, and it walks out of the
door. I'd be like, I'veseen it, Like I've seen couples work
it out and want it, butit never ends well and it's usually pressured
(23:47):
by one couple who has more oflike a sex addiction or some trauma around
sex or issues that they need towork on and that they can't be at
peace with their spouse. I noticedsomething that because this made me think of
it. As I've been like healingmyself in therapy, I am less promiscuous.
I remember them explaining it to me, like when you really start to
(24:10):
like heal yourself for whatever reason,like I just don't feel so promiscuous because
you're not reaching for outside. Yeah, I didn't realize really that's what it
was like. And I know thatit's like, oh duh, but it's
like, you know, no,you're definitely because you're feeling yourself up,
like you're just like charging emotionally,and then you don't need those things.
Like what you were saying, thesex addict thing is like a relationship that
needs to cheat. They're like,I mean, there's no amount of sex
(24:33):
that can fulfill them, so onerelationship it's definitely not gonna work. I
think it was for sure a sexaddict. Yeah, a lot of people
are. But it's if it's notsex, it's everything. If it's not
sex, ex if it's not thatit drugs an alcohol, it's all that
holl though you need to feel it'sGod or God of your understanding. But
it's true, like building that confidenceand that self identity, you know,
(24:56):
and that peace in yourself negates allthe other bullshit put ourselves through. I
like it well, I mean,it's all just life too. I tried
it. Like, you know,eventually we have to be not so hard
on ourselves because it is just likegrowing and adapting and changing. But it
is nice. I mean, you'regood at that stuff, like you're always
working on yourself emotionally. Well.I have to, because I have to.
(25:18):
That's my job is to be mentallystable. If I'm not mentally stable,
I don't nothing, nothing comes togetherexactly, I won't pay my bills,
said all right. A man inFrance was tired of not having male
birth control, so he invented hisown. Samuel Flambard is a Belgian man
who was reported to be teaching peoplehow to make male birth control rings called
(25:41):
the Outco contraception. The ring wasreported to push the testicles up into that
pelvic area to cook testicles to hirethe normal temperature. It sounds dangerous.
This is said to disrupt the normalsperms production cycle and cause temporary infertility or
forever. I just made that up, but like, this sounds dangerous.
There's almost no clinical gut data tosupport the safety or effectiveness. Why is
(26:04):
there a male resistance to birth controlwhere like we need to come up with
these crazy things. My thought immediatelyis drag queens already do this, right,
so he's not that he's not thatinventive, but it's not healthy.
Why is there a resistance to maila birth control like an actual pill,
like an actual way too? BecauseI actually thought I read this thing and
(26:26):
the reports back from the men weresaying that they didn't like their mood changing
and they did it, and Iwas like, that's what birth control does,
and so I think there actually ismaybe a way for them to take
a type of medication, just theydon't want to do it. And I
don't think you should be pushing yourballs all the way up into your stomach
and when they do want to havea baby, you're going to be fucked
because yeah, I don't like that. That sounds crazy. It's like maneuver
(26:49):
ring, do you remember, yes, all the shit that we have to
do, but yeah, birth controlring. And when they explain it to
you, they make the rings soundlike it's so small but it literally is
like this. It's it's it's decentsize, and you squish it down,
you shove it up, and thering actually like yeah, and the ring
actually releases hormones throughout your box.Just stays in there, Yeah, just
(27:11):
stays in there for three weeks.You take it out for one week,
and then that's when you get yourperiod. That's like an old I haven't
been on that in so long.You want to do it in the fridge,
Yeah, you have to keep itin the and then I would take
mine out, and I remember thedoctor saying, don't let it leave it
out for more than three hours.So I would take it out for a
sex, but sorry, you gottaput my maneuver ring back up. Like
it's just like, okay, medicalscience hates women because you literally all these
(27:34):
things is like, let's torture theship and release hormones into their bodies and
make them shop things off there.But guys don't even worry about putting a
condom on. They got you COVID. That's what I did get about.
Do you watch Love Is Blind?Yes? I just watched the reunion last
night. Oh I didn't watch theI didn't watch it. You should You're
gonna actually love the way Clay talksand how he fixed himself, and I
(27:56):
was like, I've never heard aman talk like this before. Like I
was so impressed by him. You'reeating disturbed me just the way he ate
on the show, So you're oneof those I can't stand the chewing,
just like or the way he organizedhis food and ate. I just thought
it was you really like the wayhe speaks. I was like, wow,
(28:18):
oh good, okay, yeah,but anyways, you were saying love
is blind and oh that that theone couple was so focused on how she
wouldn't take birth control but they havecondoms, and it was like the level
of education was so SuPAR I was. I was shocked they talk about that
during the reunion because one of thequestions was why not condoms And the guy
literally said she had to teach meabout like birth control and like the female
(28:42):
body, and like how like,I'm sorry, but we did learn that
in fourth fifth grade and how thereproductive system works. Like he didn't want
to have sex with his girlfriend wifething because he was so scared to get
her pregnant and she didn't want totake birth control. I'm like, so
condoms also like I'm sorry, butI don't how to cut it so close
to her, Like there's a beforeit was very bizarre. You know there's
(29:07):
non hormonal ideas and stuff, butyou're on a world platform and you don't
know that a condom is Like andthey weren't that they're not that young.
I noticed because I was like lookingat their ages recently, was like,
these people have to be like eighteennineteen. They're actually not. They're like
twenty five, twenty six. Likethat's kind of old to not know about
birth control. Maybe it was scripted, though I have never know. It
(29:29):
has to be old American, Likeare they from here? On? Love
is Blind? Yeah? Why?Yeah? Yeah, I was one of
those twisted ones. I think Merredithfirst, you're probably watching ninety Yes,
that's sick. I'm like, ohmy god, let her go. She
needs someone call her parents to goback to wherever she was from. There's
a love of Love is Blind Australia. Then there's they haven't get into some
of these shows. I mean Ihear about them all day. I love
(29:52):
them. I love trash. Yeah, well it's healthy for a female brain
to watch trash TV comment Really Yeah, else it's healthy for a female brains
too. Well. The research isthat like if you have ADHD and then
you take so you're overactive, andthen you take a stimulant, they counteract
each other and you calm down.So that's kind of like how women are.
We're overactive and we need like thedrama of Bravo and then we calm
(30:15):
down. But because guys tend tobe kind of underactive, Bravo will often
help them plug the shit out ofthem. Oh yeah, because they're always
like, maybe I don't want towatch this. They always make My husband
gets very angry when he hears,like the Reunion the Houseos of Miami and
they're just screaming at each other,and I feel calm. I'm like,
I'm gonna go to bed now.Yeah, me too. I always fall
(30:37):
asleep to it, honestly, eventhe Murder Ship. I know I need
to stop, but I do lovethem. I love watching You don't just
stop talking about that with me,because I think that's like my jam It's
a female thing. I'm telling you. Four stresses that impact bisexual mental health.
Bisexuality is a complex issue that doesn'treceive a life of coverage in medical
(31:00):
news ecosystem. There are four majorstresses that deeply affect by people's mental health.
Double discrimination, the struggles of experiencingbiphobia and monosexism internalized by negativity,
struggles of self acceptance, biiratia,identity uncertainty, the challenges of all of
these. You know what I thinkthis is what's interesting about this is,
(31:22):
in my mind, being a gayman, even bisexual was always a stop
over to being gay. But nowI'm starting to rethink that. Like I
used to make fun of bisexual people, not actively like at them, but
I'd be like, that's not areal thing, because you either like one
or you like the other. Butthere are a lot of bisexual people now,
especially the younger ones, because there'sbeen so exposed to like we can
be with whoever we want. Thereare bisexual people out there that want both.
(31:47):
Yeah, I hopefully agree to that. I think there's definitely you can
be the stress these bisexuals and stress. We need to help them. We
need bisexual awareness. They're internalizing thejudgment of everyone around them and then they
can't find peace with it and beingtold that that's not a real sexual orientation
by people who are on both sidestelling them that you know, people are
(32:07):
telling them that they're we want tohave them the straight. When you say
that everybody has some bisexuality in them, if it's not necessarily physical sexuality,
but emotional connection, like everyone hasbisexual intimacy at some point in them with
a bisexual guy because they're kind ofstraight. I know. I want to
(32:30):
I want to know why gay guysalways want to straight because they're masculine.
I mean, for Seren, forsome guys, some guys like flamboyant,
but I'm pretty fam as it is. I think I need a guy or
else I just be with a woman. Get you like a really tough surgeon,
Yes, can I have that?Yeah? You walk around the hospital
(32:52):
and oh, actually, do youknow any therapists that are like gay?
And then because you can't sleep withthem. But I don't want therapy from
that that guy. I need adifferent kind of therapy. She's going to
be exhausted dating you how to handleit and like subliminately fix me. Maybe
(33:12):
should we get into the hotline.Caller's abusive mom wants to move in with
(33:37):
them after she was forced to sellher home. A caller is facing a
problem as her mom asked to moveinto her home with her partner after the
mom gambled away her retirement savings andcould no longer keep her house. The
call states that she was forced tomove out at eighteen and was never able
to get help from her mother duringcollege or rough times, and was never
able to move in with her.When the caller was struggling, should she
(33:58):
let her move in or tell herto get lost a bad parent? I
would say no, no, right, but maybe have a plan to soften
the blow first. I would wantto build up their confidence and their decision,
you know, and really understand whyit's not a healthy choice, and
then offer ways that we can stillhelp the mom and not feel like we're
(34:22):
completely throwing her to the curb.Maybe like I'm answering her phone calls still,
would that be like helpful or maybethat's even to think that's a good
Yeah, answering a phone question,but maybe setting like a time that you
answer the calls. You know,it's not close to bed, so you
don't script your bedtime. It's notfirst thing in the morning. You script
(34:43):
your day and maybe once a weekor maybe not even or something Yeah,
what we call in psychology we callthe behavior plans, So like, we
want to look at someone's behavior andmove all of the situations and elements around
so that we can get the behaviorwe want at the end of the day.
So if you you want mom tobe better, then when mom's in
a good mood, you can giveher a little more time on the phone,
(35:05):
give her a little more attention.When mom's being negative, then you
cut your time down, and soyou start to curb the behavior so mom
knows she gets more of you whenshe's being better. Do you think they
actually get it? Like that?Say what if they don't get it?
They don't need to, right theystart. It's just an internalized reward system
that they start to follow a correlationthat like, oh, I'm getting less
(35:27):
time the more I'm a bitch.Some I think sometimes what if the parent
still is like, doesn't take nofor an answer, because that can happen
to you know, just reading howthe mom has gambled away her money.
She clearly lacks so much boundary.She supposed her to move out at eighteen.
You never helped her. I wouldremind her of that and say,
ah, yeah, well would youyou just say, don't answer the phone
(35:50):
calls anymore, or I would wantto know what it feels like after the
phone call, like I would wantto know, Okay, there's an addiction
going on, and is the addictionin everyone? What's enabling the situation to
continue being bad? And then howcan we start to curb it to make
it better? Yeah, you know, and we enable things so subtly that
(36:13):
we don't realize it. How doyou like relieve yourself if you're feeling guilty
even though you know you shouldn't behelping a parent? That's great in therapy.
Like, I love journaling. Ilove reminding myself through journals, and
I have numerous journals, Journals thatare based on mantras, just positive sayings,
or journals where I will talk aboutthings I'm proud of. Journals to
remind me of my decisions and whyI had to set boundaries with people that
(36:37):
I set boundaries with. Journals oftraumas. I'll just have a list to
remind myself of everything I've been through. We doubt ourselves so much, especially
when a parent is so strong,that we need to have almost external evidence
to remind ourselves to stay strong andin our message and supporting ourselves and then
keeping friends around in family that thatwill support us when we start to waiver
(37:02):
is really important. I've got toget into generally you're grade. No,
I love journaling. Yeah, justgetting it out on pay a psychothetic.
Sometimes I'll repeat the same sentence.Sometimes it won't make sense. It doesn't
matter if it's spelled, Like becauseI was journaling where I was like that
sentence doesn't make sense. I'm like, that's nobody's reading this, like yeah,
only, yeah, you really shoulddo it. I try to do
(37:22):
it at least three times a week. It's like that practice. You got
to just get in the habit ofit. Yet to do that and a
couple of pages too, it getsout of your head then. And what
I love is like, don't keepit in your bedroom, like at night,
say goodbye to the journal. Likeput it somewhere in the family room
and a drawer and say this iswhere my worries are going to live.
You'll start to like it too.Like there's been times now where I've journaled
(37:45):
and my hand hurts, you know, like actually really is relieving. There's
been times where I've burned the note, you know that kind of like help
to love that yeah, or shadowwork. Have you heard of that.
That's very trendy on TikTok. It'slike reparenting your inner child. And there
are shadow work journals that kind ofwalk you through envisioning who you were as
(38:07):
a kid and what you didn't get. You know, like I didn't get
the attention I wanted as a kid. I had three sisters, and I
always felt kind of like the blacksheep. So in the shadow work,
I go back and I as myselfgives the emotions that that little girl needed
at that time, and it likebuilds your confidence. It brings a sense
(38:28):
of peace to trauma again pre languagetrauma that we don't even really know is
there that could be leading to anxiety. I'm going to look that up.
I actually really like that shadow I'msure it'll come up on TikTok. Now,
yeah, listening, all right,we got two more questions. Kola
feels guilty about her sexuality as awoman. She's a self claimed sexual woman
(38:52):
who feels guilty about how much shelikes sex. She really wants a boyfriend
to have casual sex with everyone,but is too scared of being and a
slut. She lives in a veryconservative town and is as a woman says
she's been conditioned to hate sex andis supposed to be married. How can
she break this mental block? Andwhy is Western culture so focused on sex
(39:14):
yet it rejects female sexual liberation?Interesting, so she needs to move yeah
one, like so many women feellike that and everyone is so repressed.
It's like, oh, sex isbad, sexual parts are dirty. Like
it's like such a weird religious thing. I feel like I was, especially
(39:35):
the religion. It's hard to movethough. That's a tough one to be.
Like, Okay, you buy andyou know you're not going to really
see the people from you know whatI mean and live the same. That
change is crazy, Like I'm surewhen you came from Australia you were like,
oh my, Like yeah, whenI walked down the street in West
Hollywood and everyone was holding hands,it was just like oh and people would
actually like cat call you in thestreet and I loved it. I was
(39:57):
like, I'm staying here. Honestly, That's the and the reason I state
it because people openly were like theywould say it if they thought you were
hot, they would, I don'tknow, hump your leg. And I
liked it like a dog. Yeah, it's a subculture. I really like,
like if there's a gold therapy ora gold of life to just be
able to lay out all your shiton the table, everything and just own
(40:20):
it and not care who picks throughit or who sees it. And if
like we can strive for that,then she likes sex, gets sex.
But if it makes you miserable,then figure that out too. Yeah,
what's your motivation behind it? Ifthat's pure, your intention is pure to
enjoy yourself, then you do needto move so you're not so judged in
that little shit town. And thenyeah, I enjoy that sex. If
that's if you're doing it for theright reasons. Yeah, to discuss that
(40:43):
before else. You know, aslong as you're enjoying yourself and it's not
for some sort of other need thatyou're trying to satisfy, it's the wrong
thing. You'll just have to keepdoing it over and over again until you
figure out it's not the sex thatyou're looking for. Yeah, like I
yes, exactly, That's why weall have such like this many people this
girl could probably relate on some ofthe live She is just you know,
(41:04):
wanting the d which some of usreally I don't know how she is too.
I know when you're young like thattoo, it's so exciting, you
know what. I butt you.She's like eighteen nineteen, you know,
yeah, exactly, And then that'stotally normal. I mean, and don't
think about what other people think ofyou. Oh god, you'll waste your
life. Then you'll become me.I'm gonna say, yeah, all right.
(41:28):
The last question, Cola's sex lifewas ruined because they did boudoir pics.
Boudoir so funny. Cola decided todo a boa photoshoot for her boyfriend
as a spicy birthday present. However, the present backfired as the boyfriend is
pissed that another man saw her naked. As the caller described, the photo
photographer was gay and she was notattracted to him in any way. Could
she take the photos back or justleave him out right? It's a little
(41:52):
excessive jealousy. Yeah, yeah,I mean a husband that gay or not,
it's still a guy looking at yourwife. I can see upsetting.
But that's where you should have healthycommunication and a relationship to and for the
photos like that's a photographer, likethat's their job to take the photos.
And yeah, maybe she was like, oh shit, this is a guy
(42:12):
and not a girl. But it'slike if you get a massage and a
guy does it, it doesn't makeit. I mean, that's worse because
it's like someone touching you. Yeah, I don't know. It's a job
like it's the photographer is doing hisjob and she's just trying to make a
present out of it. And thephotographer is gay, you know, and
I complain. I think it's overreaching. Over reaching. He's not a good
(42:36):
guy for saying that to you,making you feel bad about a present that
you're trying to give to him.It just speaks to his insecurity. Yeah,
unless you have sex with the photographer, Like I really like it's a
present for them that's not landed theway that the intended. No, it's
like he's projecting his own insecurity underher and not seeing what a great gift
that is. I want a giftlike that. I still can't months away
(43:00):
from getting a sexy bed work.Should I want to be in shape?
Okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I guess get out of it.
But I would like to. Youshould do like a fake pregnancy one.
Oh I could do that now?All right? Well, this was so
fun Thank you so much for comingin. Do you have anything you'd like
to plug? Let us know yourlinks way can we find you doctor Leslie,
(43:22):
Doctor Leslie Dobson on everything amazing,and go out and get your doctor
Leslie's book. The Friend Clent's available, everyone can pay. It's ever It's
on Amazon, and there's a Kindleversion and we're working on a laudible audible
version. We're working on it now. Yeah, I'm going to definitely do
the audible one. Yes. Canpeople book sessions with you if they want
to on your site and stuff,Yeah, you can contact me and it's
(43:45):
doctor Lesliebibson dot com. And thenthat the sphere I described is free to
just go on and play and niceand just see if it can help you
step back and and see your relationshipsdifferently. I'm gonna try it. Yeah,
I love to. Let's do it. We'll come back and report on
it. Let's do it, andwe'll yeah, tell me if it sucks
and I can fix that. Shewas honest. We'll be honest both ways.
(44:07):
Okay, although you take out thegrain of salt because we all right,
guys, thank you, and don'tforget to subscribe and like and have
the best week
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