November 30, 2023 • 33 mins
What if a simple road trip could reveal the hidden complexities of trust and relationships? Settle into our mobile studio as we hit the road, gulping down Starbucks' decadent offerings and crunching on our favorite junk food while unraveling the intricacies of trust. We'll be your guides, leading you on a journey through the mouthwatering delights of pizza joints and our own surprising encounter with Lester Fixins ranch dressing soda. It's not all about the food though, we promise, your heart will be full too.
On the more serious side of things, we'll be treading the delicate path of trust, expectations, and how these intertwine in our relationships. You'll gain insight into the emotional bank account theory, and how it recommends making regular trust deposits to maintain a healthy relationship. We'll also shed light on renowned psychologist John Gottman’s theory on "turning towards, turning against, and turning away" as a tool for strengthening bonds. So gear up for a ride that's not just about feeding your stomach, but nurturing your soul and relationships too. Let's hit the road together!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to Help Yourself.
Food and Philosophy with Brianand Nick.
I'm Nick and I'm Brian.
We are what we repeatedly do.
Trust, therefore, is not an actbut a habit, and that's another
Jaliliqui brought to you inpart by a misattribution of
(00:23):
Aristotle what's eating, brian?
Speaker 2 (00:28):
Jaliliqui, we're actually trying to make that
happen.
We're trying to make it happenin the English language here.
All right yeah.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
I looked it up there is a word for what we're doing,
or what I'm doing, and it'scalled snow clone.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
But I think I like.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
Jaliliqui better.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Honestly, if that's the way that our podcast gets
famous.
I'm fine with it.
You know, within Dix, withinRisen.
Yeah, it's like we get the newword in the dictionary and it's
like see please, I'm not goingto see help yourself podcast.
Please help yourself.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
To the help yourself podcast.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
All right, what am I eating?
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Well.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
I'm going to tell you another tale of road trip food,
but this one is a lot.
This is more tame.
So we I usually when I go on aroad trip I eat the worst
possible like junk food, likeI'm not usually because I'm on
vacation, and so I'm like I'mgoing to eat sort of like gas
(01:28):
station, like we're going tostop to go to the bathroom and
grab something, and it's justcandy and cookies and cakes and
whatever else, and then.
But I'm also just like, hey,I'm on vacation, so I want to
splurge a little bit, right, andso we went to Starbucks because
, mainly because most of thetime Starbucks has a decently
clean bathroom.
But we went there and got somestuff and I basically I tried a
(01:57):
pumpkin spice cold brew that hadthe.
It has the pumpkin spice foam,cold foam on top of it, and I
also got it with a splash ofthis was an extra, but splash of
the vanilla sweet cream andmore like a pumpkin pie, it was
(02:19):
yeah, it was decadent becausethen I looked up the calories
and I'm like, oh my gosh, likethis is a meal, this is a whole
meal in this.
You know like 300 calories orsomething in this medium size
drink, you know, and.
But I'll say it was good.
I haven't, I hadn't had thefoam for quite some time, just
because it adds so much.
Like you take a regular drinkand add foam and it adds like
(02:41):
200 calories to it or something.
I don't know how they pack somuch stuff into that.
Just cold foam, they're thrownon top of that.
It's sugar and air.
It basically, yeah, it's, it's,it's just it's packed with sugar
and air, but it was.
It was actually really good.
I did.
I did also get just some of thelike.
(03:03):
I did a nick, I pulled a nickand I got one of the little
lunch mate thingies that theyhave like with the grapes and
the cheese and the that thing,and that was good.
I hadn't had one before.
I mean, obviously it's justbasic stuff, but it was sort of
refreshing and easy to easy toeat and, I guess, somewhat
(03:26):
healthy.
Right After I added 300calories worth of pumpkin spice
to my day you know at least thatwas some fruit and a little bit
of cheese and some.
You know what else is in there?
Fruit and cheese, basically.
Yeah, crackers, crackers, yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Apple, slices, grapes and then three kinds of cheese.
Yeah, a little wedge of brie,some cheddar and mozzarella, I
think.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
No, yeah, or two kinds of cheddar.
I think it was two kinds ofcheddar Sharp cheddar Two sharp
cheddar and then like whitecheddar.
Yeah, yeah.
But I mean a good good, a goodgo to.
You know better than some ofthe gas station food.
So that's the basic, basicStarbucks adventure I had.
That's more than you know,different than my normal.
(04:20):
I've got a Brian's BeverageCorner here.
I've got my water bottle and Ithink this is going to be the
last time I do a crazy soda, butagain, in the last two episodes
you heard the last time.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
No, maybe the last time in a while.
Well, in a while, yeah.
Maybe take a break but you'renot going to stop at the crazy
soda.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
So I did the balls.
That was our first trustepisode.
And then I did the LesterFixins.
Right, y'all get your Fixins.
I did that enchilada soda onthe last episode.
Well, this is another LesterFixins, and this one looks even
worse than the last man.
(05:05):
Okay, I'm going to hold this upto the camera and then oh,
that's awesome.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
It looks like like the color of the soda itself is
like pina colada or coconutwater.
Yeah, it looks like coconutwater it's.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
It's like a like slightly it's clear, but like
almost slightly opaque yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
Trans.
Was it translucent?
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
And it's supposed to be, and I have not tried it yet,
so I'm trying it right now.
Let's see.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
The flavor is ranch dressing for everyone who's
while he's sipping here.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
Oh man, that's the weirdest thing ever, dude.
It's like it is.
It tastes like it does tastelike ranch dressing, but it also
is like sweet, like a soda.
It's made with pure cane sugar,and so it really does?
Speaker 1 (05:50):
I'm going to count these.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Let's see what is it.
It is.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
I can't believe I'm actually asking that question
but it's.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
It is 170 for the bottle.
Per sip, yeah, per sip, exactly.
No, I will say like I won't saythat you would want to drink
this all the time, but itdoesn't.
It's not as much like theenchilada one was like, really
like you were drinking anenchilada a little bit more.
(06:16):
This one is like you can tastethe ranch.
But if, if you had peeled thelabel off and you had asked
somebody to say, like what doesthis taste?
Like, they might not say ranchdressing, but I think, because
of that power of suggestion,like with the ranch dressing on
the, on the label it has like abowl of ranch dressing and and
stuff like that, it actuallydoes taste like that quite a bit
(06:37):
.
Um, but like a sweet.
If you had like sweet, sweetranch dressing, which is weird,
yeah, sort of gross.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
I'm sort of sneering at that idea, Although I'm sure
if I tried it I'd be like oh,this isn't so bad.
Yeah, it's not super bad.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
Like I said, I wouldn't say that you would be
like oh yeah, I drink this everyday, you know it's so so anyway
, that's.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
People said the same thing about Coca-Cola.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
Yeah, I'm sure, I'm sure, yeah, so that's my, that's
my Brian's beverage corner.
I'll be sipping a little bitmore on this, probably ranch
dressing soda, and then I don'tknow if I'll drink the whole
thing, because that's, that's abit much.
But what are you eating?
I?
Speaker 1 (07:23):
am having a Twist on a previously proclaimed favorite
mm-hmm.
Jets pizza.
Oh, cauliflower crust.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
And it's funny you mentioned ranch dressing,
because that's something I dojust to like.
98% of the time is I swap outthe Tomato sauce for ranch
dressing.
Oh yeah and put in a ton ofveggie fixings like green
peppers, onions and Mushrooms.
(07:57):
So it's almost like a Ranchcheese steak kind of thing.
Yeah, normally I'll get Italiansausage or beef, okay, to make
it like a cheeseburger or cheesesteak or, yeah, breakfast
Burrito of some kind.
But they had a new offering ofmeat called popcorn chicken,
(08:19):
same price as all the other meattoppings, wow, so it's like you
know what I'm gonna try it?
Basically it's fried chicken onpizza pieces yeah, on piece on
pizza.
Okay, better, better qualitythan chicken nuggets, right,
like it's actual.
Yeah, white meat that hasn'tbeen chewed by a machine seven
times, right, but he was.
(08:42):
It just totally changed theflavor, like it was really good.
High in calories, of course,yes, but it was like all I eat,
that I'll all I ate today.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
So did it have texture to it like, was it
crunchy?
Like?
Speaker 1 (08:57):
No, it was pretty soft like the popcorn chicken
was like the the Breading on theyeah, you know was was pretty
soft, it was easy to eat.
See, yeah, there wasn't all thestuff that's normally crunchy
was kind of soft, right.
The peppers were soft becausethey were cooked and the Crust.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
I may have asked you this in the past, but when you
do jets, do you do the Detroitstyle or do you do the Like
regular hand-toss round pizzas?
Neither one, almost always.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
Oh, you do the cauliflower crust.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
Yeah, you already said that and yeah, and that
comes like a thin crust.
It's kind of personal.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
Personal round thin crust.
It's, it's just right, kind ofcrispy, right.
It's not like floppy and soggy,but it's also not like, yeah,
really, there, their cauliflowercrust is actually pretty good.
They're, they are reallycrunchy.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
They're, they're cauliflower crust is actually
pretty good.
They're, they, it it doesn't.
You wouldn't know thedifference really if you just
somebody just ordered it at aparty.
The only weird thing about isyou can only get it in one size,
so you can't get, like you know, extra large or whatever else.
But you know, yeah, you know,under two pizzas true, true.
Well, that's good.
(10:11):
What are you drinking?
Are you drinking anything?
Speaker 1 (10:14):
I've got water and that's it.
I'm out of coffee.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
That's a small beverage corner.
It's just a sad small beveragecorner.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
Yeah, it says, the big beverage corner man.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
Exactly, pick up the little guy over here.
Well, you want to get into ourtopic and chat about it for a
while.
I know this is a bonus episodeso it'll be a little bit shorter
than our typical episode length, but we have been covering the
topic of trust, and so thatfirst episode we talked about
(10:54):
sort of generic definitions oftrust and things like that.
And then the trust that we givestrangers or people that we
interact with on a almost dailybasis that are just, you know,
like we might have variouslevels of interactions with bank
tellers and cashiers and peopledriving past you on the street
and things like that.
And then we talked about in oursecond episode about trust.
(11:17):
We talked about the sort ofdealing with work level
relationships, people who you'respending quite a bit of time
with but you don't necessarilyhave any emotional connection
with them or romantic connectionor anything like that, so our
personal connection, I shouldsay.
But now we want to talk alittle bit about sort of those
personal relationships and howthat trust in those
(11:39):
relationships is dealt with andvarious ideas and whatever
tangents we end up going down.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
So, yeah, so, yeah, so it's maybe a kind of a segue
or a tie in from previousepisodes slash conversations, I
think it.
There's this weird relationshipbetween trust and expectations
yeah, what you expect or whatyou want others to expect of you
.
You know where you want to betrustworthy, right, what
(12:09):
expectations you want to meet,so on.
That's even part of, like, alot of quote performance reviews
is.
You know, one of theassessments is meets
expectations or expectations.
But I think it happens inpersonal relationships to where
you know, do I expect you tokeep a secret, aka an
(12:32):
embarrassing truth aboutyourself, right?
Or do I expect you to fill allof my emotional needs and
replace my need for personal?
You know, friends, and you'renot just my lover, you're also
my only friend, my best friend.
You've taken the place of mymother and my father and you
(12:53):
know, like, like, there's peoplewho get super codependent and
have super high expectations oftheir loved ones.
And I don't know, there used tobe a Saturday, I think it was
Saturday Night Live had a sortof recurring skit of this video
dating service where you, likeyou back in the old days, you
(13:14):
record a video of yourself, yeah, and submit it for people to
watch and gauge whether theywanted to go on a date with you
Before online dating.
They called it loweredexpectations and the whole
sketch was these people whoclearly have baggage, or super
awkward or super attractive,just talking about themselves
(13:37):
and trying to be, you know,worthy of a first date and just
missing the mark and making ithilarious.
Yeah, I think I remember thatvaguely that they were talking.
Speaker 2 (13:48):
You know people talking about their.
Yeah, you know and if as longas you're not jammed, you know
you're not going to be able toget a good deal.
If as long as you're not Janet,then you're going to be fine.
You know, like that kind ofthing like where they're clearly
talking about their, their pastrelationships or whatever else.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
Sorry, I didn't mean to disparage it.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
I was going to say I didn't mean to disparage any
Janets out there.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
I was just a random name that you know.
All the Karen's of the worldare just grateful you didn't go
there.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
Yes, exactly, exactly .
I thought, I thought also inpersonal relationships, even
though I think the concept andwe've mentioned this throughout
these three episodes is even theconcept still does apply to non
personal relationships.
The emotional bank account, Ithink, is very, I think it plays
(14:36):
a huge role in a relationshipthat's going to be, you know,
theoretically a lifelongrelationship, and I didn't
realize this at the beginning.
But really we have broken thisdown into levels of interaction
in terms of, hey, thesestrangers that we talked about
at first, they're people who youmay never see again.
You interact with them once inyour entire life and you never
(14:58):
see that person ever again inyour life and you interacted
with them for under 10 minutes.
Then the second level is workrelationships.
Well, you know, even though youknow, people are going to
change careers, they're going tochange jobs, they're going to
change, so this person might bewith you for a significant
portion of your life if you stayin the same job.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
Yeah, I mean, it requires both people.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
Yeah, and you know, in today's job market it's less
likely that you're going to workfor the same place your entire
career.
Some people do, but then theseare relationships that
theoretically could be lifelongrelationships, that have been
around forever and will bearound forever and in some
extent you know, if you take the, you know some people you know
(15:44):
are married until they die andthey've been around that person
for 50, 60, 70 years, dependingon how long each one of those
people live.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
We're talking like 10 plus years, right, exactly Many
marriages last double digits ofyears.
And then there's father, mother, brother, sister.
Like those are lifelong.
Yeah, there's not a way tobreak up, yeah, and in some
extent some people like frombrother to like your parents
have known you since the day youwere born right, so you know at
(16:14):
least we hope so, Of course.
Yeah, there's exceptions to allthese, but broadly speaking,
they're sure this is how itshook out.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
Well, and I guess the you know, besides the fact that
I like all the things thatSteven Covey talks about in
those and they obviously made ahuge impact in me and my life
Long relationship for you, yeah,it is.
For me it is, but I think thatthe metaphor is so brilliant and
simple and it makes sense interms of these.
(16:47):
It makes the most sense, Iwould say, with these types of
relationships because you're,you know, you're sort of
constantly Trying to make sureyou're in the green, that you
always have a positive emotionalbalance.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
As I say, you haven't , you've only talked.
You said this concept.
You haven't said with theconcept, oh, the emotional bank
account.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
Sorry, did.
Speaker 1 (17:08):
I not say it.
No, I wasn't listening, I don'tknow, so one of those two.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
Yeah, so the emotional bank account is what
we're talking about and Ithought I have a I sort of have
a one-pager that I pulled upabout it that talks about, you
know, the difference betweendeposits and withdrawals and it
has a few different things.
I thought it was interestingbecause a lot of the things
we've already covered in some ofthe other, the other episodes,
(17:34):
but one of the things I thoughtwas interesting was the key.
One of the key messages that ittalks about is the different
levels of trust that we'vetalked about.
So where people start, you knowthe starting balance and this
says some people.
Some people are naturally openand trusting.
They create a positive balancefor everyone.
They meet.
Other others may be moreconservative and need to build
(17:55):
up positive balance over time.
And then I this is the partthat I wanted to focus on that
was cool.
Both are appropriate.
So it's best to approach everyrelationship with the intention
to make regular deposits oftrust.
Three words in action.
So I just thought I just likethe idea that they said both of
those are appropriate, you knowyeah a positions to take, and
and so it's not disparaginganybody who's like, oh, you're
(18:18):
really distrusting, or oh,you're too trusting.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
It's like, no, it's appropriate for what you believe
, you know it is, and so I thinkone of what I think we all sort
of intuit, though, thatemotional bank account concept.
Yes like in our everydaylanguage.
We talk about, you know,investing in their relationship.
Mm-hmm, you know, or we?
Talk about, you know,withdrawing emotionally.
(18:40):
Yeah, when, when somebody hurtsyou, when somebody hurts your
feelings, what do we do?
We withdraw.
Yeah, well, that's, you make itwithdraw in the account, right,
like that's.
There's a lot of Overlap.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Yes, yeah which is which is why I think it works so
well and is Identifiable, or Isay not identifiable, but it's
accessible to everyone.
When you use that that Metaphor, I did I did also want to point
out that it was you know.
It talks about deposits andwithdrawals in the you know, in
(19:16):
in your actions.
So we talked about in the lastepisode how your actions really
you know.
Trust and distrust is Whetherpeople trust or distrust you is
you know.
How do you do that?
Well, you got to act in a waythat You're saying that you're
ready to receive trust.
I also we didn't point this outin the past, but are in the
past few episodes but the IThink a lot of trust has to do
(19:41):
with vulnerability too.
Like I think you being able tobe trusted, you have to Come
into the relationship whateverthat relationship or interaction
with a level of vulnerabilityof you know, and I'll use the
easiest, most natural thing thatwe talk about all the time,
which is toast masters, which ispeople that are there to learn
(20:03):
at toast masters, and One of thethings that you have to do to
be a good speaker is you have toshow vulnerability on stage.
You have to show that you'rewilling to let the audience in
to your thought process or toyour thing, and and so that's,
that's a level of courage andvulnerability that you're saying
.
Hey, trust me by what I'msaying, because I'm up here
(20:24):
bearing my soul, and I wouldn'tbe doing that if I wasn't trying
to build some kind ofrelationship or rapport, and
which I think, in a, in personalrelationships that's.
You talked about beingemotionally withdrawn, right, I
think there are some people thatnever show that vulnerability
they're, they're afraid to showthat, that, what do they call
(20:48):
that?
The the soft underbelly, right?
They don't want to, that.
They're always feeling likesomebody's going to use that
against them.
Though any weakness that theyshow or any vulnerability they
show is Is something that can beused against them at a future
date.
And so you know, especially ina personal relationship or
(21:09):
marriage, if you never get tothat place, you never build, you
can never make deposits likeyou're not.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
Yeah, um yeah, I Think, I think the other way you
make deposits.
Still some concepts fromanother.
I guess great mind onRelationships would be John
Gottman.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Hmm.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
He's the one that has that like 94% marriage success
prediction accuracy really juststudying different relationships
and things, and the thing thatin all their studies they were
able to find is that it's amatter of what they turn turning
towards, turning against orturning away.
Okay, and in your dailyinteractions, day to day, hour
(22:01):
to hour interactions withsomebody, yeah, how often do you
turn towards your partner andturn towards?
Could be they yet again expresssome area of interest for them?
That's not necessarily aninterest for you, right?
You still drum up the curiosity.
(22:23):
You still hear them even thoughyou don't share that interest,
right?
Yeah, you express interest, yougive them that courtesy and
they return that courtesy, right, those are turning towards
moments.
Yeah, the other would be justshowing appreciation, not taking
things for granted and having,I guess, to call back to my
(22:46):
expectation comment your Doryjust hands me food, right, it's
no big deal to her.
But I'm always appreciativebecause it's like I wouldn't do
that for her, not because Idon't care for her.
It's like that's just reallywhat's the word.
You know what I would do it forif she wanted me to, but it's
(23:10):
more of a sacrifice for me.
But that means I appreciate itmuch more, right, like I'm
grateful for it.
Yeah, don't take it for granted.
I'm appreciative of what shedoes for me, just like the
things that I do for her thataren't a big deal to me are a
big deal to her.
Yeah, from her perspective, Ihave low expectations of her.
(23:32):
She can be herself and I stilllike her.
Yeah, I don't expect her to bemore than she is.
I say lower expectations.
I feel like I'm really reallyback in myself into some kind of
weird quiet, quiet, quietcorner.
No, I don't expect her to beeverything to me, right.
(23:55):
Right, she is a person.
She's not perfect, but she'sperfect for me.
Speaker 2 (24:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:02):
And vice versa.
Yeah, but I do have toconsciously remember this.
Turning towards kind of stuffRight.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
I think you guys, she's actually correct me if I'm
wrong, but you guys were doinga thing and I don't know if
you're still doing this or notLike for a while you guys were
doing a every night three thingsthat you appreciate or three
things you're grateful for inthe other person kind of
exercise.
And I'm sure that that'sexactly.
I'm sure I bet you, if you wentto marriage counseling I know
(24:30):
you guys aren't married, but,like, if you went to marriage
counseling or relationshipcounseling, that might be one of
the exercises that they say islike, hey, you guys just need to
start showing appreciation foreach other and basically making
those deposits I mean, those arejust deposits, right, those are
.
Hey, even though I don't say it, this is what I see, this is
(24:52):
what I believe about you asanother person and I'm
appreciative of that.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
Yeah, I think those are, yeah, that practice.
We do still do that.
We've done that since we were acouple.
It's evolved over time, yeah,but yeah, not to go too deep
into it, one of the things we domake as a commitment is the
first thing we start out with isone thing I love about you, and
(25:19):
that's just to make sure thatwhen we're listing off all the
things we're grateful for aboutour day, we make a point that
there's at least one thing abouteach other that's there, and
that.
I think is sort of like aguaranteed way to do that
emotional bank account depositor investment where it's like,
hey, even if we had a tough day,I know you're a good person.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:46):
I love you, right, and hey, it was a great day, and
here's one of the things that Ilove about what happened today
or I love about you that maybedidn't happen today, but it's
just something that yougenerally are and that's what I
appreciate.
Speaker 2 (26:02):
Well, it's paying respect in some ways to your
relationship, to the actualthing that is the relationship.
Right, even though you'resaying to the other person,
you're saying hey, even thoughall these things happen on a
daily basis, that you and I goeither emotionally are separate
ways or physically are separateways during the day, because I'm
going to work, you're doingthis, you have your own
(26:23):
activities.
Same thing with me and my wifeis that she has a set of things
and then at night it's like thehey, how was your day?
Kind of thing, because you knowthat they went out and did
something.
It's sort of like when yourkids get back from school, it's
like, hey, how was school?
What happened, what did you do?
Because it's like I'mrecognizing that you had a
different day than I had and I'minterested in hearing about it.
(26:46):
And how was everything?
Was it good, was it bad?
Let me be here to support you,let me be here to congratulate
you, let me be here to you know,that's what the relationship is
about.
So I think all of those thingsare deposits and I will say this
one cheater that I pulled uptalks about deposits can be
clarifying expectations and alsounderstanding the individual,
(27:10):
which I think goes into.
This is like and then we talkedabout this active listening
thing, I think in the lastepisode.
But you know, talking about youknow that's how do you
understand someone else?
Is you do what we talked aboutbefore?
You listen first and then youknow, try to understand you.
I think, yeah, covey talksabout, try to.
(27:32):
What was the?
What's the actual thing?
It's seek first to understandthen be understood.
Right, exactly.
Speaker 1 (27:41):
Oh man, I'm quoting Covey to you.
So bad.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
So bad, and that shows my level of fandom.
Anyway, just had a momentarylapse, you're still a good
person.
Brian, exactly no, but I think,yeah, I think that in the you
know the, in the relationshipsthat are personal sorry I feel
(28:08):
like there's a different conceptof what I talked about in the
last episode about trying todevelop trust quickly.
I feel like in your personalrelationships, many times it's
what we call in the investingworld of dollar cost averaging
is hey, I'm going to invest alittle bit amount, a little
amount over a long period oftime for larger gains.
(28:29):
Right, I'm going to invest $100a month, no matter what the
market is doing, no matter whatthe relationship is doing.
I'm just trying to draw thosethings as like, if the
relationship is up, down orsideways, I'm still going to
make that deposit, no matterwhat, because over time that's
going to give you a larger gain.
It works in the market and Ithink it also works with this
(28:51):
emotional bank account conceptas well.
Speaker 1 (28:54):
I like that.
Speaker 2 (28:59):
To bring it full circle, what you guys do, since
you guys have been a coupleevery night, is that let me make
a small deposit every night,right?
Make sure that we'reacknowledging we're still in a
relationship, that we still loveeach other and that we're
appreciative of the other person.
That smooths over a lot ofthings.
(29:21):
I had a not to dive into thesexuality part of it, but I had
a human sexuality class when Iwas in junior college.
What always stuck with me wasthe professor said that and this
is sort of different levels ofcommunication between men and
(29:43):
women, but they're saying hesaid in general, men give love
to get sex and women give sex toget love, basically, when a
woman and that may be too muchof like a I mean, this was.
I'm an old guy, so this is along time ago, when I was this,
(30:06):
30 years ago that I was injunior college, the point being
that that symbiotic relationshipthere is, sort of what you
already mentioned with hey.
I wouldn't necessarily like ifshe really wanted me to cook for
her, I would cook for her, butit's a bigger burden for me
because I'm just not that's notyour skill set Like you're not
(30:30):
like hey, I want to cook.
She's like no, I want to cook,I want to cook, so let me cook
for you.
And so you're like good, I wantto work and I want to make
money, so let me make money sothat we can have all the things
that we want.
Speaker 1 (30:42):
So, anyway, yeah, just make sure it's not like a
gift to the Magi situation.
Right, exactly, yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:51):
You know we're it's like she it's amazing how much
the gift to the Magi has.
I did not if they told me whenI read the gift to the Magi in
like junior high school that itwas going to be brought up so
many times in my life becausethat is like a short story and
it shouldn't have that mucheffect on my life and, honestly,
like it's, it's, that's, likeit's incredible.
(31:13):
Anyway, that's just a side note.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
Yeah, and it's just another either keyword fodder
for audience.
If you don't know the story,google it, it's a short story a
short story.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
You can read it in half an hour.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
It's probably due for a modernization, but I think
the technology mentioned backthen is still in our awareness
today, so it works.
Speaker 2 (31:35):
Right, right, so well , I think that's, I think that's
.
I think we've coveredeverything and that was good, a
good, a good set of episodes.
I know this was a shorter onefor you guys out there, but
that's how we typically do ourbonus episodes just slightly
shorter.
And yeah, look for more of ourstuff and it's.
(31:56):
We're getting into the holidayseason now, so happy holidays,
as everyone's moving into theend of the year.
I can't believe it's almost theend of the year, but but yeah,
It'll be, be good, Help yourself.
Speaker 1 (32:11):
I'd like to talk to you next time.
Speaker 2 (32:15):
All right bye.
Welcome to Help Yourself.
Food and Philosophy with Brianand Nick.
I'm Nick and I'm Brian.
We are what we repeatedly do.
Trust, therefore, is not an actbut a habit, and that's another
Jaliliqui brought to you inpart by a misattribution of
(00:23):
Aristotle what's eating, brian?
Speaker 2 (00:28):
Jaliliqui, we're actually trying to make that
happen.
We're trying to make it happenin the English language here.
All right yeah.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
I looked it up there is a word for what we're doing,
or what I'm doing, and it'scalled snow clone.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
But I think I like.
Speaker 1 (00:42):
Jaliliqui better.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Honestly, if that's the way that our podcast gets
famous.
I'm fine with it.
You know, within Dix, withinRisen.
Yeah, it's like we get the newword in the dictionary and it's
like see please, I'm not goingto see help yourself podcast.
Please help yourself.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
To the help yourself podcast.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
All right, what am I eating?
Speaker 1 (01:07):
Well.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
I'm going to tell you another tale of road trip food,
but this one is a lot.
This is more tame.
So we I usually when I go on aroad trip I eat the worst
possible like junk food, likeI'm not usually because I'm on
vacation, and so I'm like I'mgoing to eat sort of like gas
(01:28):
station, like we're going tostop to go to the bathroom and
grab something, and it's justcandy and cookies and cakes and
whatever else, and then.
But I'm also just like, hey,I'm on vacation, so I want to
splurge a little bit, right, andso we went to Starbucks because
, mainly because most of thetime Starbucks has a decently
clean bathroom.
But we went there and got somestuff and I basically I tried a
(01:57):
pumpkin spice cold brew that hadthe.
It has the pumpkin spice foam,cold foam on top of it, and I
also got it with a splash ofthis was an extra, but splash of
the vanilla sweet cream andmore like a pumpkin pie, it was
(02:19):
yeah, it was decadent becausethen I looked up the calories
and I'm like, oh my gosh, likethis is a meal, this is a whole
meal in this.
You know like 300 calories orsomething in this medium size
drink, you know, and.
But I'll say it was good.
I haven't, I hadn't had thefoam for quite some time, just
because it adds so much.
Like you take a regular drinkand add foam and it adds like
(02:41):
200 calories to it or something.
I don't know how they pack somuch stuff into that.
Just cold foam, they're thrownon top of that.
It's sugar and air.
It basically, yeah, it's, it's,it's just it's packed with sugar
and air, but it was.
It was actually really good.
I did.
I did also get just some of thelike.
(03:03):
I did a nick, I pulled a nickand I got one of the little
lunch mate thingies that theyhave like with the grapes and
the cheese and the that thing,and that was good.
I hadn't had one before.
I mean, obviously it's justbasic stuff, but it was sort of
refreshing and easy to easy toeat and, I guess, somewhat
(03:26):
healthy.
Right After I added 300calories worth of pumpkin spice
to my day you know at least thatwas some fruit and a little bit
of cheese and some.
You know what else is in there?
Fruit and cheese, basically.
Yeah, crackers, crackers, yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Apple, slices, grapes and then three kinds of cheese.
Yeah, a little wedge of brie,some cheddar and mozzarella, I
think.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
No, yeah, or two kinds of cheddar.
I think it was two kinds ofcheddar Sharp cheddar Two sharp
cheddar and then like whitecheddar.
Yeah, yeah.
But I mean a good good, a goodgo to.
You know better than some ofthe gas station food.
So that's the basic, basicStarbucks adventure I had.
That's more than you know,different than my normal.
(04:20):
I've got a Brian's BeverageCorner here.
I've got my water bottle and Ithink this is going to be the
last time I do a crazy soda, butagain, in the last two episodes
you heard the last time.
Speaker 1 (04:37):
No, maybe the last time in a while.
Well, in a while, yeah.
Maybe take a break but you'renot going to stop at the crazy
soda.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
So I did the balls.
That was our first trustepisode.
And then I did the LesterFixins.
Right, y'all get your Fixins.
I did that enchilada soda onthe last episode.
Well, this is another LesterFixins, and this one looks even
worse than the last man.
(05:05):
Okay, I'm going to hold this upto the camera and then oh,
that's awesome.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
It looks like like the color of the soda itself is
like pina colada or coconutwater.
Yeah, it looks like coconutwater it's.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
It's like a like slightly it's clear, but like
almost slightly opaque yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
Trans.
Was it translucent?
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
And it's supposed to be, and I have not tried it yet,
so I'm trying it right now.
Let's see.
Speaker 1 (05:33):
The flavor is ranch dressing for everyone who's
while he's sipping here.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
Oh man, that's the weirdest thing ever, dude.
It's like it is.
It tastes like it does tastelike ranch dressing, but it also
is like sweet, like a soda.
It's made with pure cane sugar,and so it really does?
Speaker 1 (05:50):
I'm going to count these.
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Let's see what is it.
It is.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
I can't believe I'm actually asking that question
but it's.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
It is 170 for the bottle.
Per sip, yeah, per sip, exactly.
No, I will say like I won't saythat you would want to drink
this all the time, but itdoesn't.
It's not as much like theenchilada one was like, really
like you were drinking anenchilada a little bit more.
(06:16):
This one is like you can tastethe ranch.
But if, if you had peeled thelabel off and you had asked
somebody to say, like what doesthis taste?
Like, they might not say ranchdressing, but I think, because
of that power of suggestion,like with the ranch dressing on
the, on the label it has like abowl of ranch dressing and and
stuff like that, it actuallydoes taste like that quite a bit
(06:37):
.
Um, but like a sweet.
If you had like sweet, sweetranch dressing, which is weird,
yeah, sort of gross.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
I'm sort of sneering at that idea, Although I'm sure
if I tried it I'd be like oh,this isn't so bad.
Yeah, it's not super bad.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
Like I said, I wouldn't say that you would be
like oh yeah, I drink this everyday, you know it's so so anyway
, that's.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
People said the same thing about Coca-Cola.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
Yeah, I'm sure, I'm sure, yeah, so that's my, that's
my Brian's beverage corner.
I'll be sipping a little bitmore on this, probably ranch
dressing soda, and then I don'tknow if I'll drink the whole
thing, because that's, that's abit much.
But what are you eating?
I?
Speaker 1 (07:23):
am having a Twist on a previously proclaimed favorite
mm-hmm.
Jets pizza.
Oh, cauliflower crust.
Speaker 2 (07:35):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (07:36):
And it's funny you mentioned ranch dressing,
because that's something I dojust to like.
98% of the time is I swap outthe Tomato sauce for ranch
dressing.
Oh yeah and put in a ton ofveggie fixings like green
peppers, onions and Mushrooms.
(07:57):
So it's almost like a Ranchcheese steak kind of thing.
Yeah, normally I'll get Italiansausage or beef, okay, to make
it like a cheeseburger or cheesesteak or, yeah, breakfast
Burrito of some kind.
But they had a new offering ofmeat called popcorn chicken,
(08:19):
same price as all the other meattoppings, wow, so it's like you
know what I'm gonna try it?
Basically it's fried chicken onpizza pieces yeah, on piece on
pizza.
Okay, better, better qualitythan chicken nuggets, right,
like it's actual.
Yeah, white meat that hasn'tbeen chewed by a machine seven
times, right, but he was.
(08:42):
It just totally changed theflavor, like it was really good.
High in calories, of course,yes, but it was like all I eat,
that I'll all I ate today.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
So did it have texture to it like, was it
crunchy?
Like?
Speaker 1 (08:57):
No, it was pretty soft like the popcorn chicken
was like the the Breading on theyeah, you know was was pretty
soft, it was easy to eat.
See, yeah, there wasn't all thestuff that's normally crunchy
was kind of soft, right.
The peppers were soft becausethey were cooked and the Crust.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
I may have asked you this in the past, but when you
do jets, do you do the Detroitstyle or do you do the Like
regular hand-toss round pizzas?
Neither one, almost always.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
Oh, you do the cauliflower crust.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
Yeah, you already said that and yeah, and that
comes like a thin crust.
It's kind of personal.
Speaker 1 (09:34):
Personal round thin crust.
It's, it's just right, kind ofcrispy, right.
It's not like floppy and soggy,but it's also not like, yeah,
really, there, their cauliflowercrust is actually pretty good.
They're, they are reallycrunchy.
Speaker 2 (09:49):
They're, they're cauliflower crust is actually
pretty good.
They're, they, it it doesn't.
You wouldn't know thedifference really if you just
somebody just ordered it at aparty.
The only weird thing about isyou can only get it in one size,
so you can't get, like you know, extra large or whatever else.
But you know, yeah, you know,under two pizzas true, true.
Well, that's good.
(10:11):
What are you drinking?
Are you drinking anything?
Speaker 1 (10:14):
I've got water and that's it.
I'm out of coffee.
Speaker 2 (10:23):
That's a small beverage corner.
It's just a sad small beveragecorner.
Speaker 1 (10:28):
Yeah, it says, the big beverage corner man.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
Exactly, pick up the little guy over here.
Well, you want to get into ourtopic and chat about it for a
while.
I know this is a bonus episodeso it'll be a little bit shorter
than our typical episode length, but we have been covering the
topic of trust, and so thatfirst episode we talked about
(10:54):
sort of generic definitions oftrust and things like that.
And then the trust that we givestrangers or people that we
interact with on a almost dailybasis that are just, you know,
like we might have variouslevels of interactions with bank
tellers and cashiers and peopledriving past you on the street
and things like that.
And then we talked about in oursecond episode about trust.
(11:17):
We talked about the sort ofdealing with work level
relationships, people who you'respending quite a bit of time
with but you don't necessarilyhave any emotional connection
with them or romantic connectionor anything like that, so our
personal connection, I shouldsay.
But now we want to talk alittle bit about sort of those
personal relationships and howthat trust in those
(11:39):
relationships is dealt with andvarious ideas and whatever
tangents we end up going down.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
So, yeah, so, yeah, so it's maybe a kind of a segue
or a tie in from previousepisodes slash conversations, I
think it.
There's this weird relationshipbetween trust and expectations
yeah, what you expect or whatyou want others to expect of you
.
You know where you want to betrustworthy, right, what
(12:09):
expectations you want to meet,so on.
That's even part of, like, alot of quote performance reviews
is.
You know, one of theassessments is meets
expectations or expectations.
But I think it happens inpersonal relationships to where
you know, do I expect you tokeep a secret, aka an
(12:32):
embarrassing truth aboutyourself, right?
Or do I expect you to fill allof my emotional needs and
replace my need for personal?
You know, friends, and you'renot just my lover, you're also
my only friend, my best friend.
You've taken the place of mymother and my father and you
(12:53):
know, like, like, there's peoplewho get super codependent and
have super high expectations oftheir loved ones.
And I don't know, there used tobe a Saturday, I think it was
Saturday Night Live had a sortof recurring skit of this video
dating service where you, likeyou back in the old days, you
(13:14):
record a video of yourself, yeah, and submit it for people to
watch and gauge whether theywanted to go on a date with you
Before online dating.
They called it loweredexpectations and the whole
sketch was these people whoclearly have baggage, or super
awkward or super attractive,just talking about themselves
(13:37):
and trying to be, you know,worthy of a first date and just
missing the mark and making ithilarious.
Yeah, I think I remember thatvaguely that they were talking.
Speaker 2 (13:48):
You know people talking about their.
Yeah, you know and if as longas you're not jammed, you know
you're not going to be able toget a good deal.
If as long as you're not Janet,then you're going to be fine.
You know, like that kind ofthing like where they're clearly
talking about their, their pastrelationships or whatever else.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
Sorry, I didn't mean to disparage it.
Speaker 2 (14:04):
I was going to say I didn't mean to disparage any
Janets out there.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
I was just a random name that you know.
All the Karen's of the worldare just grateful you didn't go
there.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
Yes, exactly, exactly .
I thought, I thought also inpersonal relationships, even
though I think the concept andwe've mentioned this throughout
these three episodes is even theconcept still does apply to non
personal relationships.
The emotional bank account, Ithink, is very, I think it plays
(14:36):
a huge role in a relationshipthat's going to be, you know,
theoretically a lifelongrelationship, and I didn't
realize this at the beginning.
But really we have broken thisdown into levels of interaction
in terms of, hey, thesestrangers that we talked about
at first, they're people who youmay never see again.
You interact with them once inyour entire life and you never
(14:58):
see that person ever again inyour life and you interacted
with them for under 10 minutes.
Then the second level is workrelationships.
Well, you know, even though youknow, people are going to
change careers, they're going tochange jobs, they're going to
change, so this person might bewith you for a significant
portion of your life if you stayin the same job.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
Yeah, I mean, it requires both people.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
Yeah, and you know, in today's job market it's less
likely that you're going to workfor the same place your entire
career.
Some people do, but then theseare relationships that
theoretically could be lifelongrelationships, that have been
around forever and will bearound forever and in some
extent you know, if you take the, you know some people you know
(15:44):
are married until they die andthey've been around that person
for 50, 60, 70 years, dependingon how long each one of those
people live.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
We're talking like 10 plus years, right, exactly Many
marriages last double digits ofyears.
And then there's father, mother, brother, sister.
Like those are lifelong.
Yeah, there's not a way tobreak up, yeah, and in some
extent some people like frombrother to like your parents
have known you since the day youwere born right, so you know at
(16:14):
least we hope so, Of course.
Yeah, there's exceptions to allthese, but broadly speaking,
they're sure this is how itshook out.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
Well, and I guess the you know, besides the fact that
I like all the things thatSteven Covey talks about in
those and they obviously made ahuge impact in me and my life
Long relationship for you, yeah,it is.
For me it is, but I think thatthe metaphor is so brilliant and
simple and it makes sense interms of these.
(16:47):
It makes the most sense, Iwould say, with these types of
relationships because you're,you know, you're sort of
constantly Trying to make sureyou're in the green, that you
always have a positive emotionalbalance.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
As I say, you haven't , you've only talked.
You said this concept.
You haven't said with theconcept, oh, the emotional bank
account.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
Sorry, did.
Speaker 1 (17:08):
I not say it.
No, I wasn't listening, I don'tknow, so one of those two.
Speaker 2 (17:13):
Yeah, so the emotional bank account is what
we're talking about and Ithought I have a I sort of have
a one-pager that I pulled upabout it that talks about, you
know, the difference betweendeposits and withdrawals and it
has a few different things.
I thought it was interestingbecause a lot of the things
we've already covered in some ofthe other, the other episodes,
(17:34):
but one of the things I thoughtwas interesting was the key.
One of the key messages that ittalks about is the different
levels of trust that we'vetalked about.
So where people start, you knowthe starting balance and this
says some people.
Some people are naturally openand trusting.
They create a positive balancefor everyone.
They meet.
Other others may be moreconservative and need to build
(17:55):
up positive balance over time.
And then I this is the partthat I wanted to focus on that
was cool.
Both are appropriate.
So it's best to approach everyrelationship with the intention
to make regular deposits oftrust.
Three words in action.
So I just thought I just likethe idea that they said both of
those are appropriate, you knowyeah a positions to take, and
and so it's not disparaginganybody who's like, oh, you're
(18:18):
really distrusting, or oh,you're too trusting.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
It's like, no, it's appropriate for what you believe
, you know it is, and so I thinkone of what I think we all sort
of intuit, though, thatemotional bank account concept.
Yes like in our everydaylanguage.
We talk about, you know,investing in their relationship.
Mm-hmm, you know, or we?
Talk about, you know,withdrawing emotionally.
(18:40):
Yeah, when, when somebody hurtsyou, when somebody hurts your
feelings, what do we do?
We withdraw.
Yeah, well, that's, you make itwithdraw in the account, right,
like that's.
There's a lot of Overlap.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
Yes, yeah which is which is why I think it works so
well and is Identifiable, or Isay not identifiable, but it's
accessible to everyone.
When you use that that Metaphor, I did I did also want to point
out that it was you know.
It talks about deposits andwithdrawals in the you know, in
(19:16):
in your actions.
So we talked about in the lastepisode how your actions really
you know.
Trust and distrust is Whetherpeople trust or distrust you is
you know.
How do you do that?
Well, you got to act in a waythat You're saying that you're
ready to receive trust.
I also we didn't point this outin the past, but are in the
past few episodes but the IThink a lot of trust has to do
(19:41):
with vulnerability too.
Like I think you being able tobe trusted, you have to Come
into the relationship whateverthat relationship or interaction
with a level of vulnerabilityof you know, and I'll use the
easiest, most natural thing thatwe talk about all the time,
which is toast masters, which ispeople that are there to learn
(20:03):
at toast masters, and One of thethings that you have to do to
be a good speaker is you have toshow vulnerability on stage.
You have to show that you'rewilling to let the audience in
to your thought process or toyour thing, and and so that's,
that's a level of courage andvulnerability that you're saying
.
Hey, trust me by what I'msaying, because I'm up here
(20:24):
bearing my soul, and I wouldn'tbe doing that if I wasn't trying
to build some kind ofrelationship or rapport, and
which I think, in a, in personalrelationships that's.
You talked about beingemotionally withdrawn, right, I
think there are some people thatnever show that vulnerability
they're, they're afraid to showthat, that, what do they call
(20:48):
that?
The the soft underbelly, right?
They don't want to, that.
They're always feeling likesomebody's going to use that
against them.
Though any weakness that theyshow or any vulnerability they
show is Is something that can beused against them at a future
date.
And so you know, especially ina personal relationship or
(21:09):
marriage, if you never get tothat place, you never build, you
can never make deposits likeyou're not.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
Yeah, um yeah, I Think, I think the other way you
make deposits.
Still some concepts fromanother.
I guess great mind onRelationships would be John
Gottman.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Hmm.
Speaker 1 (21:36):
He's the one that has that like 94% marriage success
prediction accuracy really juststudying different relationships
and things, and the thing thatin all their studies they were
able to find is that it's amatter of what they turn turning
towards, turning against orturning away.
Okay, and in your dailyinteractions, day to day, hour
(22:01):
to hour interactions withsomebody, yeah, how often do you
turn towards your partner andturn towards?
Could be they yet again expresssome area of interest for them?
That's not necessarily aninterest for you, right?
You still drum up the curiosity.
(22:23):
You still hear them even thoughyou don't share that interest,
right?
Yeah, you express interest, yougive them that courtesy and
they return that courtesy, right, those are turning towards
moments.
Yeah, the other would be justshowing appreciation, not taking
things for granted and having,I guess, to call back to my
(22:46):
expectation comment your Doryjust hands me food, right, it's
no big deal to her.
But I'm always appreciativebecause it's like I wouldn't do
that for her, not because Idon't care for her.
It's like that's just reallywhat's the word.
You know what I would do it forif she wanted me to, but it's
(23:10):
more of a sacrifice for me.
But that means I appreciate itmuch more, right, like I'm
grateful for it.
Yeah, don't take it for granted.
I'm appreciative of what shedoes for me, just like the
things that I do for her thataren't a big deal to me are a
big deal to her.
Yeah, from her perspective, Ihave low expectations of her.
(23:32):
She can be herself and I stilllike her.
Yeah, I don't expect her to bemore than she is.
I say lower expectations.
I feel like I'm really reallyback in myself into some kind of
weird quiet, quiet, quietcorner.
No, I don't expect her to beeverything to me, right.
(23:55):
Right, she is a person.
She's not perfect, but she'sperfect for me.
Speaker 2 (24:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:02):
And vice versa.
Yeah, but I do have toconsciously remember this.
Turning towards kind of stuffRight.
Speaker 2 (24:10):
I think you guys, she's actually correct me if I'm
wrong, but you guys were doinga thing and I don't know if
you're still doing this or notLike for a while you guys were
doing a every night three thingsthat you appreciate or three
things you're grateful for inthe other person kind of
exercise.
And I'm sure that that'sexactly.
I'm sure I bet you, if you wentto marriage counseling I know
(24:30):
you guys aren't married, but,like, if you went to marriage
counseling or relationshipcounseling, that might be one of
the exercises that they say islike, hey, you guys just need to
start showing appreciation foreach other and basically making
those deposits I mean, those arejust deposits, right, those are
.
Hey, even though I don't say it, this is what I see, this is
(24:52):
what I believe about you asanother person and I'm
appreciative of that.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
Yeah, I think those are, yeah, that practice.
We do still do that.
We've done that since we were acouple.
It's evolved over time, yeah,but yeah, not to go too deep
into it, one of the things we domake as a commitment is the
first thing we start out with isone thing I love about you, and
(25:19):
that's just to make sure thatwhen we're listing off all the
things we're grateful for aboutour day, we make a point that
there's at least one thing abouteach other that's there, and
that.
I think is sort of like aguaranteed way to do that
emotional bank account depositor investment where it's like,
hey, even if we had a tough day,I know you're a good person.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:46):
I love you, right, and hey, it was a great day, and
here's one of the things that Ilove about what happened today
or I love about you that maybedidn't happen today, but it's
just something that yougenerally are and that's what I
appreciate.
Speaker 2 (26:02):
Well, it's paying respect in some ways to your
relationship, to the actualthing that is the relationship.
Right, even though you'resaying to the other person,
you're saying hey, even thoughall these things happen on a
daily basis, that you and I goeither emotionally are separate
ways or physically are separateways during the day, because I'm
going to work, you're doingthis, you have your own
(26:23):
activities.
Same thing with me and my wifeis that she has a set of things
and then at night it's like thehey, how was your day?
Kind of thing, because you knowthat they went out and did
something.
It's sort of like when yourkids get back from school, it's
like, hey, how was school?
What happened, what did you do?
Because it's like I'mrecognizing that you had a
different day than I had and I'minterested in hearing about it.
(26:46):
And how was everything?
Was it good, was it bad?
Let me be here to support you,let me be here to congratulate
you, let me be here to you know,that's what the relationship is
about.
So I think all of those thingsare deposits and I will say this
one cheater that I pulled uptalks about deposits can be
clarifying expectations and alsounderstanding the individual,
(27:10):
which I think goes into.
This is like and then we talkedabout this active listening
thing, I think in the lastepisode.
But you know, talking about youknow that's how do you
understand someone else?
Is you do what we talked aboutbefore?
You listen first and then youknow, try to understand you.
I think, yeah, covey talksabout, try to.
(27:32):
What was the?
What's the actual thing?
It's seek first to understandthen be understood.
Right, exactly.
Speaker 1 (27:41):
Oh man, I'm quoting Covey to you.
So bad.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
So bad, and that shows my level of fandom.
Anyway, just had a momentarylapse, you're still a good
person.
Brian, exactly no, but I think,yeah, I think that in the you
know the, in the relationshipsthat are personal sorry I feel
(28:08):
like there's a different conceptof what I talked about in the
last episode about trying todevelop trust quickly.
I feel like in your personalrelationships, many times it's
what we call in the investingworld of dollar cost averaging
is hey, I'm going to invest alittle bit amount, a little
amount over a long period oftime for larger gains.
(28:29):
Right, I'm going to invest $100a month, no matter what the
market is doing, no matter whatthe relationship is doing.
I'm just trying to draw thosethings as like, if the
relationship is up, down orsideways, I'm still going to
make that deposit, no matterwhat, because over time that's
going to give you a larger gain.
It works in the market and Ithink it also works with this
(28:51):
emotional bank account conceptas well.
Speaker 1 (28:54):
I like that.
Speaker 2 (28:59):
To bring it full circle, what you guys do, since
you guys have been a coupleevery night, is that let me make
a small deposit every night,right?
Make sure that we'reacknowledging we're still in a
relationship, that we still loveeach other and that we're
appreciative of the other person.
That smooths over a lot ofthings.
(29:21):
I had a not to dive into thesexuality part of it, but I had
a human sexuality class when Iwas in junior college.
What always stuck with me wasthe professor said that and this
is sort of different levels ofcommunication between men and
(29:43):
women, but they're saying hesaid in general, men give love
to get sex and women give sex toget love, basically, when a
woman and that may be too muchof like a I mean, this was.
I'm an old guy, so this is along time ago, when I was this,
(30:06):
30 years ago that I was injunior college, the point being
that that symbiotic relationshipthere is, sort of what you
already mentioned with hey.
I wouldn't necessarily like ifshe really wanted me to cook for
her, I would cook for her, butit's a bigger burden for me
because I'm just not that's notyour skill set Like you're not
(30:30):
like hey, I want to cook.
She's like no, I want to cook,I want to cook, so let me cook
for you.
And so you're like good, I wantto work and I want to make
money, so let me make money sothat we can have all the things
that we want.
Speaker 1 (30:42):
So, anyway, yeah, just make sure it's not like a
gift to the Magi situation.
Right, exactly, yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:51):
You know we're it's like she it's amazing how much
the gift to the Magi has.
I did not if they told me whenI read the gift to the Magi in
like junior high school that itwas going to be brought up so
many times in my life becausethat is like a short story and
it shouldn't have that mucheffect on my life and, honestly,
like it's, it's, that's, likeit's incredible.
(31:13):
Anyway, that's just a side note.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
Yeah, and it's just another either keyword fodder
for audience.
If you don't know the story,google it, it's a short story a
short story.
Speaker 2 (31:23):
You can read it in half an hour.
Speaker 1 (31:26):
It's probably due for a modernization, but I think
the technology mentioned backthen is still in our awareness
today, so it works.
Speaker 2 (31:35):
Right, right, so well , I think that's, I think that's
.
I think we've coveredeverything and that was good, a
good, a good set of episodes.
I know this was a shorter onefor you guys out there, but
that's how we typically do ourbonus episodes just slightly
shorter.
And yeah, look for more of ourstuff and it's.
(31:56):
We're getting into the holidayseason now, so happy holidays,
as everyone's moving into theend of the year.
I can't believe it's almost theend of the year, but but yeah,
It'll be, be good, Help yourself.
Speaker 1 (32:11):
I'd like to talk to you next time.
Speaker 2 (32:15):
All right bye.
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