April 7, 2025 • 26 mins
🔥 Ready to FINALLY Break Free From Your Trauma? LISTEN TO THIS! 🔥
Are you exhausted from feeling stuck, numb, and unable to heal from past hurts? In just about 20 minutes, discover 5 POWERFUL STEPS that can completely transform your healing journey! Trauma therapist Tabitha Westbrook reveals practical, life-changing insights into recognizing trauma, creating safety, finding specialized support, and building healthy community and connection—even if you've been hurt before.
You'll learn how to:
✨ Clearly identify and articulate your trauma experience.
✨ Recognize hidden signs of trauma's impact on your body and mind.
✨ Develop REAL safety—physically, emotionally, and relationally.
✨ Select specialized trauma-informed care (including EMDR, Brainspotting, Somatic Experiencing, and Internal Family Systems).
✨ Embrace healthy community and connection, even after deep relational wounds.
This isn't just another self-help podcast—these proven techniques and insights are backed by extensive professional experience and compassionate wisdom.
🎧 Subscribe to Hey Tabi for more expert conversations on trauma, faith, and healing.
📩 Connect with Tabitha:
💻 Tabitha's Website - www.tabithawestbrook.com
📲 Tabitha's Instagram - www.instagram.com/tabithathecounselor
🎙️ Podcast Homepage - https://heytabi.buzzsprout.com
💻 The Journey & The Process Website - www.thejourneyandtheprocess.com
📲 The Journey & The Process Instagram - www.instagram.com/_tjatp
Subscribe to my YouTube Channel & watch podcast episodes there
👍 If this episode resonated with you, please like, subscribe, and share to help others who need this information!
🚨 Disclaimer: This podcast is not therapy and is intended for educational purposes only. If you're in crisis or need therapy, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional.
Need to know how to find a great therapist? Read this...
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Tabitha Westbrook (00:00):
Are you tired of feeling stuck, exhausted and
haunted by past trauma?
What if I told you that in thenext roughly 20 minutes, you
could uncover five powerfulsteps that can literally change
your healing journey forever?
Well, stick around, becauseyour life deserves a
breakthrough.
Welcome to hey Tabby, thepodcast where we talk about the
(00:21):
hard things out loud, with ouractual lips.
We'll cover all kinds of topicsacross the mental health
spectrum, including how itintersects with the Christian
faith.
Nothing is off limits here, andwe are not.
Take two verses and call me inthe morning.
I'm Tabitha Westbrook and I'm alicensed trauma therapist, but
I'm not your trauma therapist.
I'm an expert in domestic abuseand coercive control and how
(00:43):
complex trauma impacts ourhealth and well-being.
Our focus here is knowledge andhealing.
Trauma doesn't have to eat yourlunch forever.
There is hope.
Now let's get going.
I am super excited that you arehere with me on this week's
episode of hey Tabby.
I could not be more excited tobe with you and bring you a
(01:03):
little bit more on this topic.
Today, we are going to talkabout transforming your healing
journey.
We are going to talk about thefrustration of being stuck and
being overwhelmed by the impactof trauma in our lives and I'm
going to share with you fivedifferent things that you can do
that can help your healingprocess move forward.
(01:24):
Some of these might seem supercommon sense and some may seem
like oh gosh, I've never thoughtabout it this way before, but I
hope that in these next fewminutes you will find some
things that will be very helpfulfor you as you navigate your
healing journey.
So the first thing might soundsuper obvious, but for some
people it really isn't.
(01:44):
The first thing you need to dois recognize and name your
experience.
Now, for some of you, you'regoing ma'am, ma'am.
I already know my experience.
I know what's happened to me,but some people don't.
They don't realize that theyhave been a victim of coercive
control, they don't realize thatthey have been in abusive
(02:06):
structures and they don'trealize the impact it's having
on them in the present moment.
It's really not uncommon forsomeone to sit across from me in
my office and say I am justsuper anxious and I think I just
need to learn how to put thatbehind me.
The Bible says do not fear, andI don't understand why I can't
do that.
And then, as we dive in, wefind out there is a trauma
(02:27):
history, either currentlypresently going on for them or
in the past, and their reactionsmake a lot of sense, but they
didn't put together that theyhad had an experience or that
something had happened that theyneeded to name.
It really is important toidentify it and accurately name
it for yourself, because we tendto have a hard time
(02:51):
articulating trauma andarticulating its impact on us.
Being able to get to the placewhere we say it out loud to
another person is incrediblyhelpful.
Now, it doesn't mean that youhave to share every single
detail of your trauma story oranything like that, but what it
does mean is that you need to beable to say, oh, this thing
here, this, this really happened, this happened to me.
(03:14):
There are all kinds of symptomsthat happen that we sometimes
don't realize are trauma related.
Emotional overwhelm is one ofthem, so just feeling constantly
overwhelmed and not being ableto feel as if you are in a calm
space, or always feeling likeyou have to be, like watching
your back or what have you,which is part of hypervigilance,
which is where we areconstantly looking for danger.
We might even feel completelynumb and be like dude.
(03:36):
I checked out years ago and Idon't even know where I went and
then also having a hard time,like a really hard time,
trusting other people.
And I'm not saying by any meansthat trust should be freely or
easily given, but what I amsaying is that when you're like
really resistant, there is justa good opportunity there to ask
yourself why?
Why am I resisting trusting,why am I resisting closeness?
(03:59):
What's going on there for me?
And we might find something inthere.
One way to start pressing intothe what's really going on is to
journal your experiences.
You can write down yourfeelings, write down your
experiences, write down thethings that feel tied together
and that sort of thing.
Just try to articulate, put outthere what you are experiencing
(04:22):
and also knowing that it's okaythat it doesn't go in order,
you might start writing outsomething and realize that
things are out of order, andthat's very common because of
how trauma sits in our brain.
It kind of sits in the back, onthe bottom in the amygdala, and
it is a place that we justdon't always have chronological
order for because it doesn'thave the ordering parts of our
(04:44):
brain attached to it yet.
So it's okay if it's out oforder or what have you, and it
doesn't have to be perfect, butit can start to give you a
little bit of an idea of howwould I name this, what would I
say about it.
Also, you definitely want tolook at your patterns.
If something is happening overand over again or you're walking
(05:04):
into a situation over and overagain that you're like this
decidedly not good for me youmight be able to find and pick
up patterns and those can giveyou a little bit of a clue to
your trauma story and a skilledtherapist can even help you
disentangle some of thosepatterns and have a little bit
more clarity in that.
And then, of course, there issharing your story, whether that
(05:25):
is in a support group, whetherthat is in a group therapy
setting or whether that is inindividual therapy.
It is very powerful to sayhere's what's going on.
I'm not entirely sure how todisentangle it, I'm not entirely
sure how to even make sense ofit, but I would love to just
tell it, or what parts of it Ican tell.
And again, you don't have tosay all the things.
(05:45):
That is something I think whenwe talk about sharing stories.
That can be a bit scary whenyou're not ready exactly to see
your own story and then somebodyis like, oh yeah, go share your
story.
You're like, no, I don't wantto, and I totally understand
that.
So you always get to pick yourown pace, but sharing aspects
(06:06):
and starting to put your storyout there so you can begin to
make sense of what's going onfor you is really important.
Step two is to understand theimpact of the trauma on you, and
we have talked about this alittle bit in other episodes,
but trauma really does impact usphysically and spiritually.
When we've had a big traumaticevent, it rattles us, it rattles
(06:30):
all of us.
And so if it was a physicaltrauma, if there was physical
aspects of that trauma or if itcaused a physical reaction for
us, like coercive control as anabuse, you know, coercive
control causes physiologicalchanges and things to happen
(06:51):
inside of us that it's reallyimportant to recognize, and so
there are things like autoimmunedisorders, anxiety, the effects
of chronic stress on our bodies, joint pain all sorts of stuff
can happen because of the impactof trauma on us.
Again, it also can harm ourrelationships.
It can keep us from reallybeing able to connect deeply and
(07:14):
really have the life that weare hoping for.
We almost become a little bitof a hermit.
At times or at least parts ofus do so you might be the social
, gregarious butterfly that isout there, and when you are at
home, you're really withdrawn.
Or even when you're out there,there's only like part of you
out there.
You're afraid to give yourwhole self to a situation or to
(07:38):
an event and really just be allof who you are, because you're
afraid of what will happen ifyou enter into those spaces, and
that is a direct result oftrauma.
Our third step, once we knowwhat we're dealing with and how
it is affecting us, is to createsafety.
We can't heal without safety atleast some safety.
(07:59):
Now, if you're still in aparticular situation, perhaps
you are in a coercivelycontrolling relationship and you
have chosen to stay.
Well, you're not going to haveperfect safety all the time, and
that's OK, we can figure thatout and creating safety really
(08:22):
is paramount because you reallycan't heal without safety.
We just we won't.
We're going to be so busytrying to keep ourselves safe
that healing isn't going to bepossible.
That can be a little bit tricky.
If you are still in adestructive situation.
It can be really hard to havethat felt sense of safety.
But there are some things thatwe can do to help us get there.
(08:42):
So when we're in a safe place,our bodies are more open,
they're able to change, they'reable to shift, they're not
constantly in that fight, flight, freeze, fawn or flop state.
They are able to take in newinformation.
So if you are choosing to stayin a situation because of a
million different reasons and Iwill just say for folks who are
(09:05):
listening that it is a validchoice to stay in a situation
and I know some folks might behearing this and go I mean I
can't understand why somebodywouldn't just go.
But it isn't always that easy.
There are financialconsiderations, sometimes kid
considerations and safetyconsiderations.
So you know there are nuancedways to talk about this and we
(09:27):
don't have time in this podcast,but I would encourage you to
get additional information andtraining.
But just walking away isn'tquite easy.
So sometimes we have to learn tofeel as safe as possible in the
situation we're in.
Sometimes that is going to behealthy boundaries in that
relationship or space and thingslike that.
With a healthy boundary, we maylimit someone's access to us as
(09:49):
much as possible in certainways, or we may choose to have
space and time away from thehome or place that we're living.
So, for example, if you are incollege and you have a really
sketchy roommate and you arelike I'm just going to go to the
library to do some work, thatis a great place and a safe
(10:09):
place where you can have alittle bit of a breather from
the environment that you are in.
And when you've created alittle bit of physical safety,
then your body can start to calmdown and you can do a little
work on things, and you may haveto do it in little tiny pieces,
and that is okay.
If you're able to get fully awayfrom a destructive situation
(10:31):
and have that space to begin toheal, you may need to change
things in your environment.
For example, I've worked withplenty of women who have gotten
out of coercively controllingrelationships and those abusive
situations, and looking at thesame dresser they had for 25
years with their abuser is verydysregulating.
Maybe they found pornography inthe drawer or something to that
(10:54):
effect, and so in that instanceit may be really wise to get a
new dresser, to have a literalfresh start furniture-wise, in
order to start to feel lessactivated when you are in your
own bedroom.
Doing little things like thatcan increase that felt sense of
safety.
Finding healthy, strongrelationships that are safe that
(11:15):
can really help that as welland also increase that sense of
belonging that so many folksneed when they come out of a
traumatic experience.
And those are a few things thatwe can do to create safety.
Relational safety after we havebeen harmed in a relationship is
really important to the healingprocess.
And when we are activelylooking for which relationships
(11:38):
settle in well with my body,then that's really important.
And when I say settle in wellwith my body, then that's really
important.
And when I say settle in wellwith my body, I'm talking about
the good old vibe check, andit's a little more complicated
than that.
But we have this system calleda neuroceptive system and we've
talked about it before on thisshow, but it's constantly
looking for am I safe?
(11:59):
Am I safe?
In relationships that have goodrelational safety, your body
feels more settled.
Your body feels like, yeah,okay, this is not a bad thing,
right, and if we're learning tobuild new relationships, we do
not have to go all in real quick.
We can take a slow and steadyapproach and, frankly, that's
(12:20):
usually the one that I recommend.
I strongly recommend slow andsteady approach and, frankly,
that's usually the one that Irecommend.
I strongly recommend slow andsteady approaches to building
new relationships when you'vehad relational harm, because
otherwise you might go tooquickly, overlook red flags and,
as you know, those red flagsdon't mean it's a carnival.
That doesn't just apply tointimate relationships, that
also applies to friendships,doesn't just apply to intimate
(12:43):
relationships, that also appliesto friendships.
And we want to be very clearabout what we need, what we
don't need, what's okay andwhat's not okay.
And when we're coming out ofharm it might take a minute to
figure that out.
And that's okay, that's atotally okay place to be.
You also want to learn to checkin.
Just because we feel activateddoesn't mean a situation is
unsafe.
It just might feel familiar tosomething that wasn't so.
(13:07):
For example, if you've hadsignificant spiritual abuse,
walking into a church might feelextremely activating.
Hearing a song that you oftensang in your abusive community
might also feel extremelyactivating.
In those moments we can chooseto use some grounding exercises
(13:28):
to bring ourselves back into ourbodies and give ourselves a
little bit of a reminder hey,we're safe here.
Even if a situation isn't whereyou want to stay, you don't feel
good about it.
Let's say you try out a faithcommunity and you're like, not
for me, but you also don't wantto run out of the room.
Then you might ground yourself.
But also remember, I don't haveto come back.
(13:49):
I don't have to come back and Iwill also tell you you don't
have to stay.
Sometimes we try things alittle bit before we're truly
ready and there's nothing wrongwith that to see where you're at
.
So please don't hear thatshamefully.
But sometimes we say, yeah, Iwasn't as ready as I thought, so
I'm going to go ahead and setthis aside and I'm just going to
walk away and I'll try againsome other time, and that's a
(14:11):
completely valid way to handlethings as well.
Another step step number four isget specialized support.
It is really helpful to gettrauma specialized therapy when
you need it.
This can be a game changer forpeople.
When you have a therapistacross from you who really
understands what's going on foryou, they can really walk you
(14:32):
through that.
And some of the kinds oftherapy that might be helpful
for you are eye movement,desensitization and reprocessing
or EMDR, brain spotting,somatic, experiencing, internal
family systems, things like that.
Also, a really solidtrauma-informed biblical
counselor can be very helpful.
Now I know some of you justheard the words biblical and
(14:54):
counselor together and may havehad a little panic attack
because you've had some reallytough experiences with unskilled
and not trauma-informedbiblical counselors.
But there are trauma-informedbiblical counselors out there.
In fact I would say that thereis a growing movement amongst
some in the biblical counselingspace to partner with licensed
(15:17):
therapists.
I know we do that constantly inour practice where the biblical
counselor takes care of anaspect of care and we take care
of the clinical aspect of care.
And we have partnered withbiblical counselors for so long
that I actually ended up hiringone that I really like and we
all work together for the goodof the client.
So there is no spiritualbypassing with good biblical
(15:38):
counseling.
There is no sin detecting withgood biblical counseling.
I know that's a criticism itoften gets.
So you can also look for a veryhighly qualified, well-educated
biblical counselor if that is acomfortable space for you.
There are ways to know ifsomeone is a good biblical
counselor or good licensedcounselor, because just because
(16:00):
you have one or the otherdoesn't mean that they're good.
And the first thing I will sayis ask questions and as a trauma
survivor, it is so hard to askquestions because we're taught
we're not allowed.
We're not allowed to questionour abuser.
But asking good questions canbe extremely powerful.
So where did you get yourtraining?
What is your understanding ofcoercive control, if that's what
(16:23):
you're dealing with?
What is your understanding ofreligious abuse or religious
trauma?
How will you respond to me if Itell you I don't know what I
believe right now?
And that's a really common one.
When someone has beenspiritually abused, they really
don't know what they believe.
What they believe has beenupended by the abuse and getting
out of the abuse.
So if you are a counselor thatconstantly refers to scripture
(16:49):
or is quoting chapter and verseor praying with clients, it
could be very off-putting to aclient who has been spiritually
traumatized.
So in our practice, for example, we do not do any of those
things unless the client asks usto.
We will ask for permission ifwe want to use a scripture or
things of that nature just tomake sure that the client feels
(17:12):
safe and cared for and thattheir wishes and needs matter.
If someone is coming to you andsaying I don't know what I
believe because of what I'vebeen through, then it's really
important to honor them, askingthe counselor what their
understanding is, how much of itthey do, what are the outcomes
that they see?
You know, do people that cometo you get better?
And this is another thing,right?
(17:33):
Because I think that a lot ofcounselors are really really
good, which is wonderful, andsome are going to tell you they
can do things they can't exactly, and so asking you, how do you
see people get better?
What does it look like, isreally helpful.
I can answer that questioneasily.
I know what it looks like whenmy clients get better.
I know what it looks like whenmy clients are meeting their
(17:55):
goals.
I know exactly what it lookslike because this is what I do
all the time and we've actuallyseen it in our practice.
I know what it's like to betraumatized until you have to
walk through that and thescariness of telling your story
for the first time, or even ifit's the 10th time and it's a
new person, oh, so hard.
So you really want tounderstand and feel in your own
(18:16):
body how does it feel to talk tothis person and ask these
questions, and you can even goand do an appointment and say
this didn't feel good to me.
You might not be ready.
They might not be your person.
I am a really good traumatherapist and I have an
incredible team of traumatherapists and biblical
counselors here and we're notfor everybody, and that's okay.
(18:36):
So if a client gets in front ofme or one of my team and says
I'm not sure this is a fit, okay, that's awesome.
What do you think would be abetter fit?
It might be something we canadjust, or it might be you're
not my person and that's okay,and so then we will help you
find your person who is a betterfit for you, and we'll do our
(18:57):
best to help you find the rightfit, because that really does
matter.
So it's okay to go into asession and say not my person,
it's okay.
And any good therapist orbiblical counselor is not going
to be upset.
They're going to say I get itand I want you to have what you
need.
Let me help you get there.
Also, I really do want tonormalize and just give you some
(19:22):
validation that startingtherapy whether that is group
therapy, whether it is a supportgroup, whether it is one-on-one
therapy, whether it is visiblecounseling is so hard.
It takes enormous courage topick up the phone or send that
email and ask questions and alsoto come and open yourself up in
(19:43):
a therapy session.
It's hard and that's okay.
Of course it's hard.
You've been through a lot.
You've been through so manydifficult things and they've
left a mark and people who youwere supposed to be able to
trust were proven nottrustworthy.
I think that's one of the worstthings about trauma is that you
were supposed to be able totrust whoever harmed you, and
(20:06):
you couldn't, unless it was acomplete stranger that harmed
you.
These are usually people thatare in your life and in
relationship and builtrelationship, sometimes in order
to harm you.
That's brutal.
So it is absolutely normal thatit would be scary to reach out.
(20:27):
It's normal that it feels alittle bit scary to look at your
stuff, especially if you knowthere's some stuff there.
I know that that was myexperience going to therapy for
the very first time.
I was terrified.
I was like I'm not sure.
I want to know what all is inhere.
But I also knew that I didn'twant to keep feeling the way I
was feeling either, and I justwant to give you that
(20:48):
understanding and knowing sothat when you're feeling your
body go oh no, I don't want todo this, that you understand
that that is something thathappens for so many people.
So you're not broken.
There is nothing wrong with you.
Sure, chest human and that is abeautiful thing.
And our final step to justreally move us forward on our
(21:10):
healing journey is to embracecommunity and connection.
And for those of you whosehearts started beating more
quickly because you're like,yeah, community is what kind of
did me in, I will tell you it'sstill a very important aspect.
Not that community, I think.
If you have been harmed deeplyin community maybe not the one
you were in but it can beextremely helpful and
(21:32):
life-giving to find a healthyand safe enough community.
Now, when I talk about safeenough communities, look, people
, sometimes they're going to bepeople-y.
It is what it is and it stinksand I hate it.
But we do want to have somegrace.
What we don't want is a toxiccommunity, a toxic system, a
(21:52):
destructive system.
What we want is a healthycommunity where we can be
ourselves, even if it's a littlemessy.
People are willing to workthrough stuff with you.
They're not going to lordthings over you.
They're not going to useposition and power to control
you.
They're not going to usephysical power to control you.
It's a safe enough communityand that can be life-giving.
(22:15):
Healthy community also givesyou space to experience yourself
differently and that is one ofthe biggest healing things.
I know in my own story thatfinding community that saw me as
me and didn't try to make mesomeone else and didn't tell me
who I was was terrible, but alsoloved me enough to go hey,
that's out of balance you mightwant to look at.
That was vital because I beganto experience myself as lovable,
(22:38):
as cared for, as a part ofsomething that I belonged to and
that was helpful and wonderfuland extremely healing.
So I would invite you to try tofind that.
And it may not be a faithcommunity.
We have talked about thisbefore and in my book Body and
Soul Healed in Whole, I talkabout this quite a bit.
Sometimes faith communitieshave to be a later step in our
(23:02):
healing because we got so hurtand so you might choose like a
meetup group or a group of likeinterests.
So maybe you enjoy cycling, youmay find a local cycling group,
you may find a hiking group,you might find an art group, a
quilting group.
I think there are groups outthere for just about everything
people enjoy doing and that canbe a great way to meet healthy,
(23:24):
kind people that can be part ofyour rebuilt community.
And there is something specialabout being in a survivor
community.
Support groups are excellentfor this.
You don't have to over explainyour story.
They aren't going to go.
Yeah, but this, but you knowthat you're already understood
(23:44):
because these are people whohave been through similar things
.
So finding a support group canalso really bring supportive
relationships as well, and thenbeing truly seen by others and
not judged is such a healingplace.
I talked about this a little bitin our episode on
narrative-focused trauma careand how the power of story can
(24:05):
help us.
When other people sit with yourstory and they don't turn their
faces away from you, it is anincredibly healing experience
and those kinds of groups can beabsolutely vital for that.
So we've got five reallypowerful steps here and, just to
remind you, we have torecognize and name our
experience of trauma.
(24:25):
We need to understand how thattrauma has impacted us.
We need to do our best tocreate safety both inside our
own bodies really comes fromhaving a very good, you know,
present moment, mindfulness,grounding, practice Whatever you
(24:48):
find is best for you to justhelp you have that internal
sense of calm and groundednessand regulation.
Then we talked about findingspecialized support, whether
that is a therapist or a supportgroup, and just knowing it is
going to be hard to take thatstep, but it can be so worth it.
(25:08):
And we ended with theimportance of community and
connection.
We came into this world lookingfor others, looking for us.
That is a quote from KurtThompson.
It is so true, particularly ifwe had trauma as a young kiddo.
We have attachment issues.
The people who were supposed tocare for us did not, and that
(25:30):
is something that only communitycan help us heal.
I hope that these things arereally helpful.
I will invite you to think aboutwhat is one of these steps I
can take today for myself tochange my experience and to
begin to heal.
When you come up with that step, I would like to invite you to
write it down and make sure thatyou do it.
(25:50):
Put it on your calendar.
It doesn't have to be huge.
It can be the tiniest littleslice, but even the tiniest step
moves you forward and I believethat you can absolutely do that
.
Like we say in our introduction, trauma does not have to eat
your lunch forever, and Ibelieve that you can absolutely
do that.
Like we say in our introduction, trauma does not have to eat
your lunch forever, and I knowthat there are going to be some
of you who are listening whofeel like, man, it has eaten my
(26:10):
lunch, my breakfast, my dinner.
Might have eaten like justeverything in the fridge, to be
honest with you and I hear youand to get that, but it doesn't
have to be that way.
It is possible to heal one stepat a time, one moment at a time
.
Thank you so much for listeningto this week's hey Tabby.
If you have any questions,please feel free to reach out.
(26:32):
I will see you again here nextweek.
Thanks for joining me fortoday's episode of hey Tabby.
If you're looking for aresource that I mentioned in the
show and you want to check outthe show notes, head on over to
tabithawestbrookcom.
Forward slash hey Tabby.
That's H-E-Y-T-A-B-I and youcan grab it there.
(26:54):
I look forward to seeing younext time.
Are you tired of feeling stuck, exhausted and
haunted by past trauma?
What if I told you that in thenext roughly 20 minutes, you
could uncover five powerfulsteps that can literally change
your healing journey forever?
Well, stick around, becauseyour life deserves a
breakthrough.
Welcome to hey Tabby, thepodcast where we talk about the
(00:21):
hard things out loud, with ouractual lips.
We'll cover all kinds of topicsacross the mental health
spectrum, including how itintersects with the Christian
faith.
Nothing is off limits here, andwe are not.
Take two verses and call me inthe morning.
I'm Tabitha Westbrook and I'm alicensed trauma therapist, but
I'm not your trauma therapist.
I'm an expert in domestic abuseand coercive control and how
(00:43):
complex trauma impacts ourhealth and well-being.
Our focus here is knowledge andhealing.
Trauma doesn't have to eat yourlunch forever.
There is hope.
Now let's get going.
I am super excited that you arehere with me on this week's
episode of hey Tabby.
I could not be more excited tobe with you and bring you a
(01:03):
little bit more on this topic.
Today, we are going to talkabout transforming your healing
journey.
We are going to talk about thefrustration of being stuck and
being overwhelmed by the impactof trauma in our lives and I'm
going to share with you fivedifferent things that you can do
that can help your healingprocess move forward.
(01:24):
Some of these might seem supercommon sense and some may seem
like oh gosh, I've never thoughtabout it this way before, but I
hope that in these next fewminutes you will find some
things that will be very helpfulfor you as you navigate your
healing journey.
So the first thing might soundsuper obvious, but for some
people it really isn't.
(01:44):
The first thing you need to dois recognize and name your
experience.
Now, for some of you, you'regoing ma'am, ma'am.
I already know my experience.
I know what's happened to me,but some people don't.
They don't realize that theyhave been a victim of coercive
control, they don't realize thatthey have been in abusive
(02:06):
structures and they don'trealize the impact it's having
on them in the present moment.
It's really not uncommon forsomeone to sit across from me in
my office and say I am justsuper anxious and I think I just
need to learn how to put thatbehind me.
The Bible says do not fear, andI don't understand why I can't
do that.
And then, as we dive in, wefind out there is a trauma
(02:27):
history, either currentlypresently going on for them or
in the past, and their reactionsmake a lot of sense, but they
didn't put together that theyhad had an experience or that
something had happened that theyneeded to name.
It really is important toidentify it and accurately name
it for yourself, because we tendto have a hard time
(02:51):
articulating trauma andarticulating its impact on us.
Being able to get to the placewhere we say it out loud to
another person is incrediblyhelpful.
Now, it doesn't mean that youhave to share every single
detail of your trauma story oranything like that, but what it
does mean is that you need to beable to say, oh, this thing
here, this, this really happened, this happened to me.
(03:14):
There are all kinds of symptomsthat happen that we sometimes
don't realize are trauma related.
Emotional overwhelm is one ofthem, so just feeling constantly
overwhelmed and not being ableto feel as if you are in a calm
space, or always feeling likeyou have to be, like watching
your back or what have you,which is part of hypervigilance,
which is where we areconstantly looking for danger.
We might even feel completelynumb and be like dude.
(03:36):
I checked out years ago and Idon't even know where I went and
then also having a hard time,like a really hard time,
trusting other people.
And I'm not saying by any meansthat trust should be freely or
easily given, but what I amsaying is that when you're like
really resistant, there is justa good opportunity there to ask
yourself why?
Why am I resisting trusting,why am I resisting closeness?
(03:59):
What's going on there for me?
And we might find something inthere.
One way to start pressing intothe what's really going on is to
journal your experiences.
You can write down yourfeelings, write down your
experiences, write down thethings that feel tied together
and that sort of thing.
Just try to articulate, put outthere what you are experiencing
(04:22):
and also knowing that it's okaythat it doesn't go in order,
you might start writing outsomething and realize that
things are out of order, andthat's very common because of
how trauma sits in our brain.
It kind of sits in the back, onthe bottom in the amygdala, and
it is a place that we justdon't always have chronological
order for because it doesn'thave the ordering parts of our
(04:44):
brain attached to it yet.
So it's okay if it's out oforder or what have you, and it
doesn't have to be perfect, butit can start to give you a
little bit of an idea of howwould I name this, what would I
say about it.
Also, you definitely want tolook at your patterns.
If something is happening overand over again or you're walking
(05:04):
into a situation over and overagain that you're like this
decidedly not good for me youmight be able to find and pick
up patterns and those can giveyou a little bit of a clue to
your trauma story and a skilledtherapist can even help you
disentangle some of thosepatterns and have a little bit
more clarity in that.
And then, of course, there issharing your story, whether that
(05:25):
is in a support group, whetherthat is in a group therapy
setting or whether that is inindividual therapy.
It is very powerful to sayhere's what's going on.
I'm not entirely sure how todisentangle it, I'm not entirely
sure how to even make sense ofit, but I would love to just
tell it, or what parts of it Ican tell.
And again, you don't have tosay all the things.
(05:45):
That is something I think whenwe talk about sharing stories.
That can be a bit scary whenyou're not ready exactly to see
your own story and then somebodyis like, oh yeah, go share your
story.
You're like, no, I don't wantto, and I totally understand
that.
So you always get to pick yourown pace, but sharing aspects
(06:06):
and starting to put your storyout there so you can begin to
make sense of what's going onfor you is really important.
Step two is to understand theimpact of the trauma on you, and
we have talked about this alittle bit in other episodes,
but trauma really does impact usphysically and spiritually.
When we've had a big traumaticevent, it rattles us, it rattles
(06:30):
all of us.
And so if it was a physicaltrauma, if there was physical
aspects of that trauma or if itcaused a physical reaction for
us, like coercive control as anabuse, you know, coercive
control causes physiologicalchanges and things to happen
(06:51):
inside of us that it's reallyimportant to recognize, and so
there are things like autoimmunedisorders, anxiety, the effects
of chronic stress on our bodies, joint pain all sorts of stuff
can happen because of the impactof trauma on us.
Again, it also can harm ourrelationships.
It can keep us from reallybeing able to connect deeply and
(07:14):
really have the life that weare hoping for.
We almost become a little bitof a hermit.
At times or at least parts ofus do so you might be the social
, gregarious butterfly that isout there, and when you are at
home, you're really withdrawn.
Or even when you're out there,there's only like part of you
out there.
You're afraid to give yourwhole self to a situation or to
(07:38):
an event and really just be allof who you are, because you're
afraid of what will happen ifyou enter into those spaces, and
that is a direct result oftrauma.
Our third step, once we knowwhat we're dealing with and how
it is affecting us, is to createsafety.
We can't heal without safety atleast some safety.
(07:59):
Now, if you're still in aparticular situation, perhaps
you are in a coercivelycontrolling relationship and you
have chosen to stay.
Well, you're not going to haveperfect safety all the time, and
that's OK, we can figure thatout and creating safety really
(08:22):
is paramount because you reallycan't heal without safety.
We just we won't.
We're going to be so busytrying to keep ourselves safe
that healing isn't going to bepossible.
That can be a little bit tricky.
If you are still in adestructive situation.
It can be really hard to havethat felt sense of safety.
But there are some things thatwe can do to help us get there.
(08:42):
So when we're in a safe place,our bodies are more open,
they're able to change, they'reable to shift, they're not
constantly in that fight, flight, freeze, fawn or flop state.
They are able to take in newinformation.
So if you are choosing to stayin a situation because of a
million different reasons and Iwill just say for folks who are
(09:05):
listening that it is a validchoice to stay in a situation
and I know some folks might behearing this and go I mean I
can't understand why somebodywouldn't just go.
But it isn't always that easy.
There are financialconsiderations, sometimes kid
considerations and safetyconsiderations.
So you know there are nuancedways to talk about this and we
(09:27):
don't have time in this podcast,but I would encourage you to
get additional information andtraining.
But just walking away isn'tquite easy.
So sometimes we have to learn tofeel as safe as possible in the
situation we're in.
Sometimes that is going to behealthy boundaries in that
relationship or space and thingslike that.
With a healthy boundary, we maylimit someone's access to us as
(09:49):
much as possible in certainways, or we may choose to have
space and time away from thehome or place that we're living.
So, for example, if you are incollege and you have a really
sketchy roommate and you arelike I'm just going to go to the
library to do some work, thatis a great place and a safe
(10:09):
place where you can have alittle bit of a breather from
the environment that you are in.
And when you've created alittle bit of physical safety,
then your body can start to calmdown and you can do a little
work on things, and you may haveto do it in little tiny pieces,
and that is okay.
If you're able to get fully awayfrom a destructive situation
(10:31):
and have that space to begin toheal, you may need to change
things in your environment.
For example, I've worked withplenty of women who have gotten
out of coercively controllingrelationships and those abusive
situations, and looking at thesame dresser they had for 25
years with their abuser is verydysregulating.
Maybe they found pornography inthe drawer or something to that
(10:54):
effect, and so in that instanceit may be really wise to get a
new dresser, to have a literalfresh start furniture-wise, in
order to start to feel lessactivated when you are in your
own bedroom.
Doing little things like thatcan increase that felt sense of
safety.
Finding healthy, strongrelationships that are safe that
(11:15):
can really help that as welland also increase that sense of
belonging that so many folksneed when they come out of a
traumatic experience.
And those are a few things thatwe can do to create safety.
Relational safety after we havebeen harmed in a relationship is
really important to the healingprocess.
And when we are activelylooking for which relationships
(11:38):
settle in well with my body,then that's really important.
And when I say settle in wellwith my body, then that's really
important.
And when I say settle in wellwith my body, I'm talking about
the good old vibe check, andit's a little more complicated
than that.
But we have this system calleda neuroceptive system and we've
talked about it before on thisshow, but it's constantly
looking for am I safe?
(11:59):
Am I safe?
In relationships that have goodrelational safety, your body
feels more settled.
Your body feels like, yeah,okay, this is not a bad thing,
right, and if we're learning tobuild new relationships, we do
not have to go all in real quick.
We can take a slow and steadyapproach and, frankly, that's
(12:20):
usually the one that I recommend.
I strongly recommend slow andsteady approach and, frankly,
that's usually the one that Irecommend.
I strongly recommend slow andsteady approaches to building
new relationships when you'vehad relational harm, because
otherwise you might go tooquickly, overlook red flags and,
as you know, those red flagsdon't mean it's a carnival.
That doesn't just apply tointimate relationships, that
also applies to friendships,doesn't just apply to intimate
(12:43):
relationships, that also appliesto friendships.
And we want to be very clearabout what we need, what we
don't need, what's okay andwhat's not okay.
And when we're coming out ofharm it might take a minute to
figure that out.
And that's okay, that's atotally okay place to be.
You also want to learn to checkin.
Just because we feel activateddoesn't mean a situation is
unsafe.
It just might feel familiar tosomething that wasn't so.
(13:07):
For example, if you've hadsignificant spiritual abuse,
walking into a church might feelextremely activating.
Hearing a song that you oftensang in your abusive community
might also feel extremelyactivating.
In those moments we can chooseto use some grounding exercises
(13:28):
to bring ourselves back into ourbodies and give ourselves a
little bit of a reminder hey,we're safe here.
Even if a situation isn't whereyou want to stay, you don't feel
good about it.
Let's say you try out a faithcommunity and you're like, not
for me, but you also don't wantto run out of the room.
Then you might ground yourself.
But also remember, I don't haveto come back.
(13:49):
I don't have to come back and Iwill also tell you you don't
have to stay.
Sometimes we try things alittle bit before we're truly
ready and there's nothing wrongwith that to see where you're at
.
So please don't hear thatshamefully.
But sometimes we say, yeah, Iwasn't as ready as I thought, so
I'm going to go ahead and setthis aside and I'm just going to
walk away and I'll try againsome other time, and that's a
(14:11):
completely valid way to handlethings as well.
Another step step number four isget specialized support.
It is really helpful to gettrauma specialized therapy when
you need it.
This can be a game changer forpeople.
When you have a therapistacross from you who really
understands what's going on foryou, they can really walk you
(14:32):
through that.
And some of the kinds oftherapy that might be helpful
for you are eye movement,desensitization and reprocessing
or EMDR, brain spotting,somatic, experiencing, internal
family systems, things like that.
Also, a really solidtrauma-informed biblical
counselor can be very helpful.
Now I know some of you justheard the words biblical and
(14:54):
counselor together and may havehad a little panic attack
because you've had some reallytough experiences with unskilled
and not trauma-informedbiblical counselors.
But there are trauma-informedbiblical counselors out there.
In fact I would say that thereis a growing movement amongst
some in the biblical counselingspace to partner with licensed
(15:17):
therapists.
I know we do that constantly inour practice where the biblical
counselor takes care of anaspect of care and we take care
of the clinical aspect of care.
And we have partnered withbiblical counselors for so long
that I actually ended up hiringone that I really like and we
all work together for the goodof the client.
So there is no spiritualbypassing with good biblical
(15:38):
counseling.
There is no sin detecting withgood biblical counseling.
I know that's a criticism itoften gets.
So you can also look for a veryhighly qualified, well-educated
biblical counselor if that is acomfortable space for you.
There are ways to know ifsomeone is a good biblical
counselor or good licensedcounselor, because just because
(16:00):
you have one or the otherdoesn't mean that they're good.
And the first thing I will sayis ask questions and as a trauma
survivor, it is so hard to askquestions because we're taught
we're not allowed.
We're not allowed to questionour abuser.
But asking good questions canbe extremely powerful.
So where did you get yourtraining?
What is your understanding ofcoercive control, if that's what
(16:23):
you're dealing with?
What is your understanding ofreligious abuse or religious
trauma?
How will you respond to me if Itell you I don't know what I
believe right now?
And that's a really common one.
When someone has beenspiritually abused, they really
don't know what they believe.
What they believe has beenupended by the abuse and getting
out of the abuse.
So if you are a counselor thatconstantly refers to scripture
(16:49):
or is quoting chapter and verseor praying with clients, it
could be very off-putting to aclient who has been spiritually
traumatized.
So in our practice, for example, we do not do any of those
things unless the client asks usto.
We will ask for permission ifwe want to use a scripture or
things of that nature just tomake sure that the client feels
(17:12):
safe and cared for and thattheir wishes and needs matter.
If someone is coming to you andsaying I don't know what I
believe because of what I'vebeen through, then it's really
important to honor them, askingthe counselor what their
understanding is, how much of itthey do, what are the outcomes
that they see?
You know, do people that cometo you get better?
And this is another thing,right?
(17:33):
Because I think that a lot ofcounselors are really really
good, which is wonderful, andsome are going to tell you they
can do things they can't exactly, and so asking you, how do you
see people get better?
What does it look like, isreally helpful.
I can answer that questioneasily.
I know what it looks like whenmy clients get better.
I know what it looks like whenmy clients are meeting their
(17:55):
goals.
I know exactly what it lookslike because this is what I do
all the time and we've actuallyseen it in our practice.
I know what it's like to betraumatized until you have to
walk through that and thescariness of telling your story
for the first time, or even ifit's the 10th time and it's a
new person, oh, so hard.
So you really want tounderstand and feel in your own
(18:16):
body how does it feel to talk tothis person and ask these
questions, and you can even goand do an appointment and say
this didn't feel good to me.
You might not be ready.
They might not be your person.
I am a really good traumatherapist and I have an
incredible team of traumatherapists and biblical
counselors here and we're notfor everybody, and that's okay.
(18:36):
So if a client gets in front ofme or one of my team and says
I'm not sure this is a fit, okay, that's awesome.
What do you think would be abetter fit?
It might be something we canadjust, or it might be you're
not my person and that's okay,and so then we will help you
find your person who is a betterfit for you, and we'll do our
(18:57):
best to help you find the rightfit, because that really does
matter.
So it's okay to go into asession and say not my person,
it's okay.
And any good therapist orbiblical counselor is not going
to be upset.
They're going to say I get itand I want you to have what you
need.
Let me help you get there.
Also, I really do want tonormalize and just give you some
(19:22):
validation that startingtherapy whether that is group
therapy, whether it is a supportgroup, whether it is one-on-one
therapy, whether it is visiblecounseling is so hard.
It takes enormous courage topick up the phone or send that
email and ask questions and alsoto come and open yourself up in
(19:43):
a therapy session.
It's hard and that's okay.
Of course it's hard.
You've been through a lot.
You've been through so manydifficult things and they've
left a mark and people who youwere supposed to be able to
trust were proven nottrustworthy.
I think that's one of the worstthings about trauma is that you
were supposed to be able totrust whoever harmed you, and
(20:06):
you couldn't, unless it was acomplete stranger that harmed
you.
These are usually people thatare in your life and in
relationship and builtrelationship, sometimes in order
to harm you.
That's brutal.
So it is absolutely normal thatit would be scary to reach out.
(20:27):
It's normal that it feels alittle bit scary to look at your
stuff, especially if you knowthere's some stuff there.
I know that that was myexperience going to therapy for
the very first time.
I was terrified.
I was like I'm not sure.
I want to know what all is inhere.
But I also knew that I didn'twant to keep feeling the way I
was feeling either, and I justwant to give you that
(20:48):
understanding and knowing sothat when you're feeling your
body go oh no, I don't want todo this, that you understand
that that is something thathappens for so many people.
So you're not broken.
There is nothing wrong with you.
Sure, chest human and that is abeautiful thing.
And our final step to justreally move us forward on our
(21:10):
healing journey is to embracecommunity and connection.
And for those of you whosehearts started beating more
quickly because you're like,yeah, community is what kind of
did me in, I will tell you it'sstill a very important aspect.
Not that community, I think.
If you have been harmed deeplyin community maybe not the one
you were in but it can beextremely helpful and
(21:32):
life-giving to find a healthyand safe enough community.
Now, when I talk about safeenough communities, look, people
, sometimes they're going to bepeople-y.
It is what it is and it stinksand I hate it.
But we do want to have somegrace.
What we don't want is a toxiccommunity, a toxic system, a
(21:52):
destructive system.
What we want is a healthycommunity where we can be
ourselves, even if it's a littlemessy.
People are willing to workthrough stuff with you.
They're not going to lordthings over you.
They're not going to useposition and power to control
you.
They're not going to usephysical power to control you.
It's a safe enough communityand that can be life-giving.
(22:15):
Healthy community also givesyou space to experience yourself
differently and that is one ofthe biggest healing things.
I know in my own story thatfinding community that saw me as
me and didn't try to make mesomeone else and didn't tell me
who I was was terrible, but alsoloved me enough to go hey,
that's out of balance you mightwant to look at.
That was vital because I beganto experience myself as lovable,
(22:38):
as cared for, as a part ofsomething that I belonged to and
that was helpful and wonderfuland extremely healing.
So I would invite you to try tofind that.
And it may not be a faithcommunity.
We have talked about thisbefore and in my book Body and
Soul Healed in Whole, I talkabout this quite a bit.
Sometimes faith communitieshave to be a later step in our
(23:02):
healing because we got so hurtand so you might choose like a
meetup group or a group of likeinterests.
So maybe you enjoy cycling, youmay find a local cycling group,
you may find a hiking group,you might find an art group, a
quilting group.
I think there are groups outthere for just about everything
people enjoy doing and that canbe a great way to meet healthy,
(23:24):
kind people that can be part ofyour rebuilt community.
And there is something specialabout being in a survivor
community.
Support groups are excellentfor this.
You don't have to over explainyour story.
They aren't going to go.
Yeah, but this, but you knowthat you're already understood
(23:44):
because these are people whohave been through similar things
.
So finding a support group canalso really bring supportive
relationships as well, and thenbeing truly seen by others and
not judged is such a healingplace.
I talked about this a little bitin our episode on
narrative-focused trauma careand how the power of story can
(24:05):
help us.
When other people sit with yourstory and they don't turn their
faces away from you, it is anincredibly healing experience
and those kinds of groups can beabsolutely vital for that.
So we've got five reallypowerful steps here and, just to
remind you, we have torecognize and name our
experience of trauma.
(24:25):
We need to understand how thattrauma has impacted us.
We need to do our best tocreate safety both inside our
own bodies really comes fromhaving a very good, you know,
present moment, mindfulness,grounding, practice Whatever you
(24:48):
find is best for you to justhelp you have that internal
sense of calm and groundednessand regulation.
Then we talked about findingspecialized support, whether
that is a therapist or a supportgroup, and just knowing it is
going to be hard to take thatstep, but it can be so worth it.
(25:08):
And we ended with theimportance of community and
connection.
We came into this world lookingfor others, looking for us.
That is a quote from KurtThompson.
It is so true, particularly ifwe had trauma as a young kiddo.
We have attachment issues.
The people who were supposed tocare for us did not, and that
(25:30):
is something that only communitycan help us heal.
I hope that these things arereally helpful.
I will invite you to think aboutwhat is one of these steps I
can take today for myself tochange my experience and to
begin to heal.
When you come up with that step, I would like to invite you to
write it down and make sure thatyou do it.
(25:50):
Put it on your calendar.
It doesn't have to be huge.
It can be the tiniest littleslice, but even the tiniest step
moves you forward and I believethat you can absolutely do that
.
Like we say in our introduction, trauma does not have to eat
your lunch forever, and Ibelieve that you can absolutely
do that.
Like we say in our introduction, trauma does not have to eat
your lunch forever, and I knowthat there are going to be some
of you who are listening whofeel like, man, it has eaten my
(26:10):
lunch, my breakfast, my dinner.
Might have eaten like justeverything in the fridge, to be
honest with you and I hear youand to get that, but it doesn't
have to be that way.
It is possible to heal one stepat a time, one moment at a time
.
Thank you so much for listeningto this week's hey Tabby.
If you have any questions,please feel free to reach out.
(26:32):
I will see you again here nextweek.
Thanks for joining me fortoday's episode of hey Tabby.
If you're looking for aresource that I mentioned in the
show and you want to check outthe show notes, head on over to
tabithawestbrookcom.
Forward slash hey Tabby.
That's H-E-Y-T-A-B-I and youcan grab it there.
(26:54):
I look forward to seeing younext time.
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