October 20, 2025 • 27 mins
Online trauma help online can be powerful, but it can also be dangerous if you don’t know what to look for.
In this episode of Hey Tabi, licensed trauma therapist Tabitha Westbrook, unpacks how to find good, trauma-informed help online that’s actually safe & how to spot red flags that could cause further harm.
Many survivors of abuse or trauma seek online counseling, coaching, or groups for support, but not all helpers are trained or trauma-informed. Tabitha shares what genuine, safe, healing spaces look like (rooted in evidence-based trauma care), and what kinds of online “help” can actually replicate coercive control or even spiritual abuse.
You’ll learn:
✅ What trauma-informed actually means
🙏 How real faith integration differs from spiritual bypassing
🚩 Red flags to watch out for in online Christian therapy or coaching spaces
💡 Questions to consider before trusting an online helper
🌿 What true safety and compassion look like in online spaces
If you’ve ever wondered how to tell the difference between helpful and harmful “healing” online, this episode will give you clarity, confidence, & peace.
Resources Mentioned:
- Coaching/Therapy from Tabitha's Team - www.thejourneyandtheprocess.com
- Grab the Body & Soul, Healed & Whole Digitial Guide - https://link.therasaas.com/widget/form/ah0hh6YLomd7J
At The Journey and The Process we strive to help you heal. Our therapists are trauma specialists who use evidence-based tools like EMDR, Brainspotting, Somatic Experiencing, and Internal Family Systems to help you heal - mind, soul, and body. Reach out today to start your healing journey. https://thejourneyandtheprocess.com/
This book is for every Christian woman who has been harmed sexually, whether that happened in childhood, adulthood, or even within your coercive controlling marriage, and you're longing to feel safe in your body again. We talk about the hard stuff, shame, desire, faith, and even questions like, is this sin or is this trauma?
You don't have to untangle it alone. Body & Soul, Healed & Whole is for you. Get a copy here today - https://a.co/d/8Jo3Z4V
🎧 Subscribe to Hey Tabi for more expert conversations on trauma, faith, and healing.
📩 Connect with Tabitha:
💻 Tabitha's Website - www.tabithawestbrook.com
📲 Tabitha's Instagram - www.instagram.com/tabithathecounselor
🎙️ Podcast Homepage - https://heytabi.buzzsprout.com
💻 The Journey & The Process Website - www.thejourneyandtheprocess.com
📲 The Journey & The Process Instagram - www.instagram.com/_tjatp
Subscribe to my YouTube Channel & watch podcast episodes there
👍 If this episode resonated with you, please like, subscribe, and share to help others who need this information!
🚨 Disclaimer: This podcast is not therapy and is intended for educational purposes only. If you're in crisis or need therapy, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional.
Need to know how to find a great therapist? Read this...
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
I get asked for referrals all the time.
(00:01):
And many people don't live nearsomeone who truly understands
complex trauma or abuse andcoercive control recovery.
Online therapy and coaching canbe absolutely life-changing, but
not all help online is actuallyhelpful.
Today we're going to talk abouthow to find a truly
faith-friendly, trauma-informedsupport person online while
(00:24):
avoiding spiritual bypassing,victim blaming, or coercive
messaging disguised as healing.
Welcome to Hey Tabby, thepodcast where we talk about the
hard things out loud with ouractual lips.
We'll cover all kinds of topicsacross the mental health
spectrum, including how itintersects with the Christian
faith.
Nothing is off-limits here, andwe are not taking two verses and
(00:46):
call me in the morning.
I'm Tabitha Westbrook, and I'm alicensed trauma therapist, and
I'm not your trauma therapist.
I'm an expert in domestic abuseand coercive control and how
complex trauma impacts ourhealth and well-being.
Our focus here is knowledge andhealing.
Trauma doesn't have to eat yourlunch forever.
There is hope.
Now, let's get going.
(01:08):
Welcome to this week's episodeof Hey Tabby.
I am so glad that you are here.
So we are going to talk abouthow do I find somebody who's
online?
Because maybe I live in a veryrural place, or maybe I don't
have anybody very close to me,or the closest person is far
away.
How do I know what to look foronline?
How do I find what I need?
And we are going to talk aboutall of that.
(01:30):
Therapy, coaching, and healingcommunities are growing.
And that is a beautiful thing.
In 2020, I think we saw like anexplosion in online availability
because people kind of had tofigure that out.
I know personally I had beendoing online work for forever
since I began therapy, actually,because I had worked in an
industry that was global.
(01:50):
And so it was really easy for meto offer secure ways of working
with clients remotely.
And I've been doing that sinceabout 2015, but I know that I
was a bit of an early adopter inthat way.
And we really didn't see a hugeincrease until I'd say around
2020.
And there are Facebook groups,there are all kinds of places
(02:11):
that you can get help healingfrom trauma, finding other
like-minded people who are alsoin the healing process, finding
out information about spiritualabuse and coercive control and
all kinds of things.
And so there's some realpositives to this.
We can access information muchmore easily.
We can find people that have oursame faith that we can connect
(02:33):
with or that have been throughsomething in our same
denomination or faith system.
And we can find like-mindedpeople that way.
We also can have a global reach.
Personally, I am connected topeople in all kinds of different
countries, which is wonderful.
And it has given us the abilityto really have resources that
(02:54):
maybe just 10 years ago we wouldnot have had.
(03:32):
So we want to make sure that weare not engaging in spaces that
are not going to be healthy forus.
And I want to help you learn howto find the good spaces and not
end up in the spaces that arenot so great.
So some healers can use coercivecontrol.
And I really hate that.
They create dependency becausethere is a power imbalance,
(03:55):
right?
There is more power in theperson who says that they're an
expert than there is in theperson who's coming to get help.
And that's something that as aclinician and as a coach myself,
I want to be extremely carefulabout.
I spend a lot of time giving mypower away.
I want my client to hold thekeys.
I want my client to hold thepower.
I don't want to be the onecalling the shots or any of
(04:17):
those things because that's nothealthy.
Your voice was already takenfrom you in abuse or in harm.
And I want to help you get itback.
So I'm always super carefulabout that.
But not everybody is.
And some coaches or therapistswill try to create dependency.
They'll use shame, they'lldemand allegiance and those
kinds of things.
And that is really, really notgood.
(04:40):
That is putting you in aposition much like the abuse
that you're coming out of.
And a lot of times for asurvivor, we feel it as normal
because it's what we know.
And so this person is saying,Oh, I get it.
And they're doing things to helpyou feel like they do, in fact,
get it.
But when it comes down to brasstacks, what they're doing is
(05:01):
actually building the blocks ofcontrol.
And you do not want that.
You are getting out of controland we don't want that.
They also can do things likecreate bitterness.
Oh, the church as a whole isterrible.
Look, there are some greatchurches and great pastors out
there.
Does the big sea church havesome problems?
Absolutely.
But is it every church and ourchurches trying to grow?
(05:24):
Like, yeah, it's not everychurch and there are churches
trying to grow.
There are churches who will say,yeah, we didn't get it right
because we didn't knowdifferent.
And then we went and gottentrained.
And that is huge, right?
So you don't want someone who ispeddling anger and bitterness to
get you to do their program.
That's not ideal.
Here are some red flags that youcan look for.
(05:45):
First of all, overpromisinginstant healing or spiritual
deliverance.
While God can absolutely dothings instantly without
question, it's not very oftenthat I see that, to be honest.
It is very often a process as wedisentangle theology from things
that were harmful as wedisentangle our pain, as we work
through our pain, and as wereally have to process what
(06:07):
happened.
And so saying, like, hey, thisis going to be instant, or in 90
days, you'll feel XYZ, that'snot ethical.
That's not wise.
You'll never see in ouradvertising that like this is a
guarantee because nothing isguaranteed.
Now, do we have some things thatare going to be really helpful
for you?
Of course we do.
But again, your process is yourprocess.
(06:28):
And sometimes I hate to say thisthat sometimes things get harder
before they get better becauseyou're learning to retool.
And that is a tough place.
It's sort of like surgery,right?
You go into surgery.
I'm just going to use ahysterectomy because I know so
many of our female audiencemembers have experienced this.
Your body is not doing great.
So you go in and get thishysterectomy.
(06:49):
And sometimes it's worse beforeit gets better because when you
come out of surgery, your bodystill has to heal.
It has to learn a new way ofbeing, it has to learn new
hormones, it has to learn abunch of things and also heal in
the process.
So for many women, it is about asix-week recovery in total.
And the first couple of weeks,you're pretty much laid out.
And that is because it's a majordeal.
(07:10):
So imagine years of complextrauma, right?
It's not going to be a snap yourfingers, Burger King my way
right away kind of deal.
It's going to take time.
I know that that's hard.
When you're in pain and you'relike, please, God, I just want
to heal.
I want this to be better.
Then it can feel really tough tohave to walk through the
process.
(07:31):
And so when someone's saying, Ihave this perfect system to help
you heal in 90 days, of courseyou want that.
Of course you do.
And I would just say, reallylook at what they're promising
and see if it's realistic.
And it might not be.
And I would say then save yourtime, money, and energy.
You don't want to enter intothat.
Anything that discouragestherapy, medication, or medical
(07:54):
care.
Now, I am not saying everybodyshould be on medication by any
means, but it can be reallyhelpful when there is a need for
it, honestly.
And so there's nothing wrongwith taking medication to help
you out.
This is a decision you and yourdoctor need to make.
And so any program that's sayingyou don't have to do this is
probably not wise.
(08:14):
I'd want to know why they'resaying it, where their data is
at, things like that.
So again, really look at theclaims that they're making and
see if they are realistic.
Using religious language tosilence your pain, that is
spiritual bypassing, right?
So saying you just need toforgive and forget, it is your
unforgiveness that is holdingyou back.
And look, some of that couldpotentially be true.
(08:36):
There could be some issues withunforgiveness, but that also
doesn't mean that we forget.
It doesn't mean that wereconcile.
There's a lot of things in therethat we would need to unpack.
I have so many questions.
So we want to be really mindfulthat it's not a quick fix or a
spiritual bypass.
So when you're looking at itagain, asking, what is it
they're selling?
What is it they're saying to me?
(08:57):
Does this make sense?
Also be mindful of anyone thatclaims authority as a prophet.
That can be interesting.
I'd want to know more aboutthat.
And I'm not saying that we don'tprophesy at times.
I mean, it says, you know, inthe Bible that your sons and
daughters will prophesy.
And I 100% believe that to betrue.
However, what are they saying?
What are they promising?
(09:17):
Are they setting themselves upas the Lord's anointed you can't
speak against?
Again, it's really easy to slideback into a high control space
when that is what you've known.
Because it's familiar to yourbody.
So it feels like, oh, this istotally fine.
But I really want to encourageyou, check it out.
Check the claims.
Be sure.
The other words I would say bereally careful about are trauma
(09:40):
specialist.
How do I know?
You can look at my bio or anybio of anybody on my staff and
see exactly why we would becalled trauma specialized.
We have taken all of theclasses.
We continue to take classes tostay up to date.
We take tons of continuingeducation.
I can't even tell you how manyhours at this point I personally
(10:02):
have with regard to continuingeducation in trauma
specifically.
At this point, it's in thehundreds of hours, and that's
the same for my team.
And we don't want to say we'retrauma specialists because we
took a class and heard the wordtrauma, right?
Unfortunately, there are somepeople out there that that is
how they hang out their shingle.
So, how do you know that theyhave the training that they say
(10:25):
they do?
There should be a bio, theyshould be able to give you
information.
Like I can tell you ad nauseum,all of the classes and things
I've taken, and my team can dothe same.
So that is something that youreally need to ask questions
about or look for evidence ofwhen you're looking at a
website.
Also, anything that is shamingor violates boundaries for you.
(10:46):
If someone is pushing acrossyour boundaries, that's a
problem.
If you're saying, like, hey, Ican't do a session at 9 p.m.
and they had promised yousessions at like no later than 6
p.m.
And they're saying, well, no,now it's got to be nine, then
that's a problem.
Also, anything that is shamingyou now, look, we struggle with
(11:07):
shame often as survivors.
So the questions being asked maynot be shaming of you, even if
they bring up shame.
So this is a little bit tricky,I know, when you're trying to
figure things out.
But when we're talking aboutshaming questions, it would be
that minimizing, denying, andblaming that you might be all
too familiar with.
We want to be reminded that thecore of any abusive situation is
(11:28):
power and control.
And so we want to make sure thatwhen you're entering into a
therapeutic or coachingsituation or a group, that that
is not the case.
Now, if you're going into asupport group, you're going to
want to look at how it's run,how it's facilitated, how do we
make sure the members are safeenough?
You can't always guaranteeperfect safety.
(11:49):
It just doesn't work that way.
You know, people are people andsometimes they be people-y, but
we want to make sure that it isa safe enough environment and
that it is well led.
So any group that our team leadsand is a part of, we are always
making sure that the membersare, first of all, assessed to
make sure they're ready.
Because sometimes people aren'tready for a group and that's
okay.
(12:09):
That's nothing wrong with them.
It just means that's not theright fit.
And so we only want people whoare really ready and for whom
it's a good fit, right?
And then when we're leading thegroup, we want to make sure that
no one's overdominating, thateverybody has a chance to share,
that safety is created as muchas possible in the group and
that sort of thing.
So you should look for thingslike that.
(12:30):
Unmoderated groups are unwise,especially in the trauma space,
because again, there are goingto be people that try to take
advantage.
There are going to be peoplethat might enter in to be
harmful.
And there are people who arejust in that stage of healing
where maybe they're not quiteready to be in an unmoderated
group because they're strugglingwith their own stuff.
(12:51):
And again, that's not a badthing.
It just means they need a littlemore support, and that's not
terrible.
So I just want to remind you ofthose things.
Always look for is the leaderhelping you walk in your
autonomy, your power, the wisdomthat God has given you.
And are they trying to help youlearn how to like walk in that
(13:13):
for real, as opposed to let metell you what to do and creating
something that isn't healthy?
So, what does help actually looklike?
Well, safety first, right?
This should be a trustworthyhelper that prioritizes your
safety.
Informed consent, which meansyou know exactly what you are
getting into.
In any group, there should besome kind of here are the rules.
(13:36):
Do you agree to them?
In any sort of therapeutic orcoaching relationship, the exact
same thing in our practice.
If you're a therapy client, youget a whole host of informed
consent documents that tell youall kinds of things from how
much will this cost to who arewe and how often our
appointments to what's thecancellation policy, all of
those things are in there.
(13:58):
In our coaching clients, you getalmost the exact same thing,
except it's tailored tocoaching.
So you should always getcomplete information.
There's always compassion overcontrol.
Healing is invitational, it isnot forced.
I know that if you have beenlistening to Hey Tabby for any
length of time, I am a big fanof invitation and invitational
(14:18):
language because again, as avictim of abuse, as a victim of
spiritual abuse or coercivecontrol or domestic abuse, or
anyone that's been traumatized,your voice gets taken.
And it's an invitation, and youget to say yes or no to
invitations.
And so that is what we want todo is invite you into places,
(14:39):
and that's where healthycoaching and therapy and groups
are really at.
So when we talk about faithintegrated, a green flag is that
it's faith integrated, not faithimposed.
So what that means is thateverybody has a different flavor
sometimes of their faith.
Everybody is in a differentspace in their walk.
And if you have been reallyhurt, you may be wrestling with
(15:02):
some things.
And that is an area where theleader or facilitator or
therapist or coach needs toreally lean in softly and really
just respect your belief, notwith an eye scripture, not use
it to spiritually bypass orminimize, not use it to be
harmful in any way, but toreally let you be where you are
(15:25):
in the wrestle.
We run a group called Restore,and it is for folks who have had
their faith deeply harmed andwant to restore a relationship
with God, but do not want it tobe take two verses and call me
in the morning.
And we are so gentle in thatgroup because of how tender
people are.
And we want to be really mindfulof that.
(15:47):
So while faith may be a part ofsomething, it is not a forced
thing.
And it is not something whereyou have to believe exactly like
your facilitator, yourtherapist, your coach, the group
itself.
And that is really importantthat you are okay to be where
you are and to wrestle throughwhat you need to wrestle
through.
I will also say a really goodtherapist or coach or group is
(16:10):
going to encourage somaticpractices.
We get disconnected from ourbodies when we are traumatized.
It's just so obvious in theresearch, so obvious in everyone
that I've ever worked with.
And so we want to encourage youto step back into your body
again in an invitational way,but using things like breath
(16:30):
work or grounding, gentle bodyconnection, gentle body
movements.
All of those things are placeswhere we are going to gently
invite you into a space toreconnect.
And if there is anything that isa group or coach or therapist
that isn't taking that intoconsideration, particularly
(16:52):
because trauma lives inourselves, then it might not be
the right group for you or theright person to work with for
your healing.
Healing happens in thecommunity.
So you want to be with a coachor therapist or group that is
encouraging healthy community.
So your coach or therapistshould help you a learn what
(17:12):
healthy community looks like ifyou're not sure, because man,
when we've been hurt, sometimeswe do not know.
And also help you find ideas toconnect with a healthy
community.
If you're in a support group, itshould be modeling healthy
community.
It should be leaning into whatis healthy and what you need.
You also should reallyunderstand the difference
(17:35):
between therapy and coaching.
They are not the same thing.
And we have an article on ourwebsite that talks about the
difference between therapy andcoaching.
And I will link that in the shownotes so that you can understand
it a little bit better becauseyou don't want to think you are
getting therapy and then you getinto a coaching relationship.
And you don't want to get into atherapeutic relationship
(17:57):
thinking it's going to becoaching, right?
If you're like, I really needthis and not this, then you want
to find the right person foryou.
And a good therapist or coach isgoing to really help you unpack
that to make sure the right fitfor you.
So here is a few just checklistitems to help you assess when
you are looking online forresources.
(18:20):
First, do they list verifiablecredentials?
Are they licensed?
Are they certified?
What do we got here?
And if someone is a therapistwho is doing coaching, as long
as they have a goodunderstanding of the difference
between the two, you don'tnecessarily need a specific
coaching credential.
But you do want to ask somequestions around like how do you
know the difference?
(18:40):
And are you going toaccidentally be doing therapy
when you should be doingcoaching?
Like, you need to make surethat's working properly.
Do they use evidence-basedthings?
So things like EMDR, brainspotting, internal family
systems, any type ofintervention, you know, or tool,
right?
That is going to be based insomething that we know works.
(19:03):
And you can ask questions aboutthat.
How do you know that this works?
Where's your evidence for it?
What training?
That kind of thing.
Are there spaces inclusive andrespectful?
You should feel as emotionallysafe as you can.
And look, I know that in itselfis a journey, but it should be
set up for as much emotionalsafety as possible.
So you're not being shamed ifyou are divorced or if you've
(19:25):
had sexual trauma or if youdoubt something and have to
wrestle, or if you're not surehow you feel about God.
None of that should bring shame.
Not in these spaces.
You should absolutely be able tobe where you are.
Now the goal is to heal.
And so there will be someencouragement to heal,
obviously.
And that is not always pleasant.
It can feel very uncomfortable,but it shouldn't be a place
(19:49):
where you don't feel like youcan do the wrestle.
And do they encourage boundariesand choice?
Any therapist, coach, or groupthat you are in absolutely
should encourage these thingsand should hold good boundaries
with you and should alsoencourage good boundaries in a
group setting.
It's really important.
Are there trigger warnings orsafety guidance, right?
(20:12):
So depending on what thesituation is, what kind of group
it is, you know, there needs tobe some sort of like, hey, we
want to keep this group safe andthis is what that looks like, or
hey, we're going to talk abouthard things you may find
yourself activated.
Here are ways to take care ofyourself in that space.
We do this very often when weare doing the Call to Peace
(20:33):
Ministries faith-based domesticabuse advocacy training.
We are often reminding peoplethat this might be activating.
We are offering groundingexercises throughout the course
of the training to help peoplereally stay in their bodies and
be able to stay present and tokeep it as safe as possible for
a difficult topic.
And that is really important.
(20:54):
You should see that in any groupplace.
You should see that with anytherapy or coaching relationship
where your body is taken intoconsideration and your therapist
or coaches checking in with youand seeing how you're doing and
not moving faster than yournervous system can go.
I will just remind you thathealing is possible.
(21:15):
I know some days that feels solike it's not even truth, right?
Oh gosh, it can be so hard.
But it is possible with theright help.
There are lots of resources outthere that are very, very good.
Hopefully, this will help youfind the ones that fit better
for you and fit in a way thatyou can honor your faith and
(21:37):
also honor your healing and notget caught up again in a space
where maybe it's not healthybecause your body's used to
unhealthy and you didn't catch ared flag.
So hopefully this will help youcatch your red flags, find all
the green flags, and get whatyou need.
So I want to encourage you totake a few minutes this week to
really look at who is speakinginto your healing journey.
(22:01):
Where are you putting your feetin online spaces that is
helpful?
And where is it not helpful?
And you might find, hey, I'm inall helpful places.
This is amazing.
You might find, like, oh, maybeI'm not.
Oh gosh.
Oh my goodness.
If you're not familiar with mybook, Body and Soul, Healed and
Whole, we have a digitalcompanion guide that goes along
(22:24):
with it.
I will also put a link down inthe description as well.
And there are a couple questionsthat this might help you out as
you are looking at where youare.
One question is, how has shameshown up in your healing
journey?
And look for places that shamemight be being fostered.
And again, as survivors, westruggle with shame.
(22:46):
We really do.
And so look at who's heapingshame on you.
It might be yourself.
I might just say that.
But if you're in an online spacewhere you're feeling shamed, you
might want to evaluate it.
Is this something that I amexperiencing because of my own
story?
Is this a shaming environment?
It's a good question to ask.
And then where have you felttruly seen and safe?
(23:08):
And spend more time in thoseplaces, honestly.
So if there is a group that youare part of where you just feel
really cared for and reallysafe, then that is absolutely a
place that you want to put yourfeet more often.
I hope this episode is helpful.
It's meant to be prettypractical and helping you find
good spaces online for you tospend time and to work toward
(23:31):
healing.
If we can help you in terms ofcoaching or counseling, we will
have a link down in the shownotes as well so that you can
reach out to us.
Or you can head over towww.thejourneyandheprocess.com
and connect with us there.
Thanks again for being with meon Hey Tabby.
It has been a pleasure to bewith you, and I'll see you again
(23:53):
next week.
Thanks for joining me fortoday's episode of Hey Tabby.
If you're looking for a resourcethat I mentioned in the show and
you want to check out the shownotes, head on over to
tabithawestbrook.com forwardslash hey tabby.
That's H-E-Y-T-A-B-I, and youcan grab it there.
Look forward to seeing you nexttime.
I get asked for referrals all the time.
(00:01):
And many people don't live nearsomeone who truly understands
complex trauma or abuse andcoercive control recovery.
Online therapy and coaching canbe absolutely life-changing, but
not all help online is actuallyhelpful.
Today we're going to talk abouthow to find a truly
faith-friendly, trauma-informedsupport person online while
(00:24):
avoiding spiritual bypassing,victim blaming, or coercive
messaging disguised as healing.
Welcome to Hey Tabby, thepodcast where we talk about the
hard things out loud with ouractual lips.
We'll cover all kinds of topicsacross the mental health
spectrum, including how itintersects with the Christian
faith.
Nothing is off-limits here, andwe are not taking two verses and
(00:46):
call me in the morning.
I'm Tabitha Westbrook, and I'm alicensed trauma therapist, and
I'm not your trauma therapist.
I'm an expert in domestic abuseand coercive control and how
complex trauma impacts ourhealth and well-being.
Our focus here is knowledge andhealing.
Trauma doesn't have to eat yourlunch forever.
There is hope.
Now, let's get going.
(01:08):
Welcome to this week's episodeof Hey Tabby.
I am so glad that you are here.
So we are going to talk abouthow do I find somebody who's
online?
Because maybe I live in a veryrural place, or maybe I don't
have anybody very close to me,or the closest person is far
away.
How do I know what to look foronline?
How do I find what I need?
And we are going to talk aboutall of that.
(01:30):
Therapy, coaching, and healingcommunities are growing.
And that is a beautiful thing.
In 2020, I think we saw like anexplosion in online availability
because people kind of had tofigure that out.
I know personally I had beendoing online work for forever
since I began therapy, actually,because I had worked in an
industry that was global.
(01:50):
And so it was really easy for meto offer secure ways of working
with clients remotely.
And I've been doing that sinceabout 2015, but I know that I
was a bit of an early adopter inthat way.
And we really didn't see a hugeincrease until I'd say around
2020.
And there are Facebook groups,there are all kinds of places
(02:11):
that you can get help healingfrom trauma, finding other
like-minded people who are alsoin the healing process, finding
out information about spiritualabuse and coercive control and
all kinds of things.
And so there's some realpositives to this.
We can access information muchmore easily.
We can find people that have oursame faith that we can connect
(02:33):
with or that have been throughsomething in our same
denomination or faith system.
And we can find like-mindedpeople that way.
We also can have a global reach.
Personally, I am connected topeople in all kinds of different
countries, which is wonderful.
And it has given us the abilityto really have resources that
(02:54):
maybe just 10 years ago we wouldnot have had.
(03:32):
So we want to make sure that weare not engaging in spaces that
are not going to be healthy forus.
And I want to help you learn howto find the good spaces and not
end up in the spaces that arenot so great.
So some healers can use coercivecontrol.
And I really hate that.
They create dependency becausethere is a power imbalance,
(03:55):
right?
There is more power in theperson who says that they're an
expert than there is in theperson who's coming to get help.
And that's something that as aclinician and as a coach myself,
I want to be extremely carefulabout.
I spend a lot of time giving mypower away.
I want my client to hold thekeys.
I want my client to hold thepower.
I don't want to be the onecalling the shots or any of
(04:17):
those things because that's nothealthy.
Your voice was already takenfrom you in abuse or in harm.
And I want to help you get itback.
So I'm always super carefulabout that.
But not everybody is.
And some coaches or therapistswill try to create dependency.
They'll use shame, they'lldemand allegiance and those
kinds of things.
And that is really, really notgood.
(04:40):
That is putting you in aposition much like the abuse
that you're coming out of.
And a lot of times for asurvivor, we feel it as normal
because it's what we know.
And so this person is saying,Oh, I get it.
And they're doing things to helpyou feel like they do, in fact,
get it.
But when it comes down to brasstacks, what they're doing is
(05:01):
actually building the blocks ofcontrol.
And you do not want that.
You are getting out of controland we don't want that.
They also can do things likecreate bitterness.
Oh, the church as a whole isterrible.
Look, there are some greatchurches and great pastors out
there.
Does the big sea church havesome problems?
Absolutely.
But is it every church and ourchurches trying to grow?
(05:24):
Like, yeah, it's not everychurch and there are churches
trying to grow.
There are churches who will say,yeah, we didn't get it right
because we didn't knowdifferent.
And then we went and gottentrained.
And that is huge, right?
So you don't want someone who ispeddling anger and bitterness to
get you to do their program.
That's not ideal.
Here are some red flags that youcan look for.
(05:45):
First of all, overpromisinginstant healing or spiritual
deliverance.
While God can absolutely dothings instantly without
question, it's not very oftenthat I see that, to be honest.
It is very often a process as wedisentangle theology from things
that were harmful as wedisentangle our pain, as we work
through our pain, and as wereally have to process what
(06:07):
happened.
And so saying, like, hey, thisis going to be instant, or in 90
days, you'll feel XYZ, that'snot ethical.
That's not wise.
You'll never see in ouradvertising that like this is a
guarantee because nothing isguaranteed.
Now, do we have some things thatare going to be really helpful
for you?
Of course we do.
But again, your process is yourprocess.
(06:28):
And sometimes I hate to say thisthat sometimes things get harder
before they get better becauseyou're learning to retool.
And that is a tough place.
It's sort of like surgery,right?
You go into surgery.
I'm just going to use ahysterectomy because I know so
many of our female audiencemembers have experienced this.
Your body is not doing great.
So you go in and get thishysterectomy.
(06:49):
And sometimes it's worse beforeit gets better because when you
come out of surgery, your bodystill has to heal.
It has to learn a new way ofbeing, it has to learn new
hormones, it has to learn abunch of things and also heal in
the process.
So for many women, it is about asix-week recovery in total.
And the first couple of weeks,you're pretty much laid out.
And that is because it's a majordeal.
(07:10):
So imagine years of complextrauma, right?
It's not going to be a snap yourfingers, Burger King my way
right away kind of deal.
It's going to take time.
I know that that's hard.
When you're in pain and you'relike, please, God, I just want
to heal.
I want this to be better.
Then it can feel really tough tohave to walk through the
process.
(07:31):
And so when someone's saying, Ihave this perfect system to help
you heal in 90 days, of courseyou want that.
Of course you do.
And I would just say, reallylook at what they're promising
and see if it's realistic.
And it might not be.
And I would say then save yourtime, money, and energy.
You don't want to enter intothat.
Anything that discouragestherapy, medication, or medical
(07:54):
care.
Now, I am not saying everybodyshould be on medication by any
means, but it can be reallyhelpful when there is a need for
it, honestly.
And so there's nothing wrongwith taking medication to help
you out.
This is a decision you and yourdoctor need to make.
And so any program that's sayingyou don't have to do this is
probably not wise.
(08:14):
I'd want to know why they'resaying it, where their data is
at, things like that.
So again, really look at theclaims that they're making and
see if they are realistic.
Using religious language tosilence your pain, that is
spiritual bypassing, right?
So saying you just need toforgive and forget, it is your
unforgiveness that is holdingyou back.
And look, some of that couldpotentially be true.
(08:36):
There could be some issues withunforgiveness, but that also
doesn't mean that we forget.
It doesn't mean that wereconcile.
There's a lot of things in therethat we would need to unpack.
I have so many questions.
So we want to be really mindfulthat it's not a quick fix or a
spiritual bypass.
So when you're looking at itagain, asking, what is it
they're selling?
What is it they're saying to me?
(08:57):
Does this make sense?
Also be mindful of anyone thatclaims authority as a prophet.
That can be interesting.
I'd want to know more aboutthat.
And I'm not saying that we don'tprophesy at times.
I mean, it says, you know, inthe Bible that your sons and
daughters will prophesy.
And I 100% believe that to betrue.
However, what are they saying?
What are they promising?
(09:17):
Are they setting themselves upas the Lord's anointed you can't
speak against?
Again, it's really easy to slideback into a high control space
when that is what you've known.
Because it's familiar to yourbody.
So it feels like, oh, this istotally fine.
But I really want to encourageyou, check it out.
Check the claims.
Be sure.
The other words I would say bereally careful about are trauma
(09:40):
specialist.
How do I know?
You can look at my bio or anybio of anybody on my staff and
see exactly why we would becalled trauma specialized.
We have taken all of theclasses.
We continue to take classes tostay up to date.
We take tons of continuingeducation.
I can't even tell you how manyhours at this point I personally
(10:02):
have with regard to continuingeducation in trauma
specifically.
At this point, it's in thehundreds of hours, and that's
the same for my team.
And we don't want to say we'retrauma specialists because we
took a class and heard the wordtrauma, right?
Unfortunately, there are somepeople out there that that is
how they hang out their shingle.
So, how do you know that theyhave the training that they say
(10:25):
they do?
There should be a bio, theyshould be able to give you
information.
Like I can tell you ad nauseum,all of the classes and things
I've taken, and my team can dothe same.
So that is something that youreally need to ask questions
about or look for evidence ofwhen you're looking at a
website.
Also, anything that is shamingor violates boundaries for you.
(10:46):
If someone is pushing acrossyour boundaries, that's a
problem.
If you're saying, like, hey, Ican't do a session at 9 p.m.
and they had promised yousessions at like no later than 6
p.m.
And they're saying, well, no,now it's got to be nine, then
that's a problem.
Also, anything that is shamingyou now, look, we struggle with
(11:07):
shame often as survivors.
So the questions being asked maynot be shaming of you, even if
they bring up shame.
So this is a little bit tricky,I know, when you're trying to
figure things out.
But when we're talking aboutshaming questions, it would be
that minimizing, denying, andblaming that you might be all
too familiar with.
We want to be reminded that thecore of any abusive situation is
(11:28):
power and control.
And so we want to make sure thatwhen you're entering into a
therapeutic or coachingsituation or a group, that that
is not the case.
Now, if you're going into asupport group, you're going to
want to look at how it's run,how it's facilitated, how do we
make sure the members are safeenough?
You can't always guaranteeperfect safety.
(11:49):
It just doesn't work that way.
You know, people are people andsometimes they be people-y, but
we want to make sure that it isa safe enough environment and
that it is well led.
So any group that our team leadsand is a part of, we are always
making sure that the membersare, first of all, assessed to
make sure they're ready.
Because sometimes people aren'tready for a group and that's
okay.
(12:09):
That's nothing wrong with them.
It just means that's not theright fit.
And so we only want people whoare really ready and for whom
it's a good fit, right?
And then when we're leading thegroup, we want to make sure that
no one's overdominating, thateverybody has a chance to share,
that safety is created as muchas possible in the group and
that sort of thing.
So you should look for thingslike that.
(12:30):
Unmoderated groups are unwise,especially in the trauma space,
because again, there are goingto be people that try to take
advantage.
There are going to be peoplethat might enter in to be
harmful.
And there are people who arejust in that stage of healing
where maybe they're not quiteready to be in an unmoderated
group because they're strugglingwith their own stuff.
(12:51):
And again, that's not a badthing.
It just means they need a littlemore support, and that's not
terrible.
So I just want to remind you ofthose things.
Always look for is the leaderhelping you walk in your
autonomy, your power, the wisdomthat God has given you.
And are they trying to help youlearn how to like walk in that
(13:13):
for real, as opposed to let metell you what to do and creating
something that isn't healthy?
So, what does help actually looklike?
Well, safety first, right?
This should be a trustworthyhelper that prioritizes your
safety.
Informed consent, which meansyou know exactly what you are
getting into.
In any group, there should besome kind of here are the rules.
(13:36):
Do you agree to them?
In any sort of therapeutic orcoaching relationship, the exact
same thing in our practice.
If you're a therapy client, youget a whole host of informed
consent documents that tell youall kinds of things from how
much will this cost to who arewe and how often our
appointments to what's thecancellation policy, all of
those things are in there.
(13:58):
In our coaching clients, you getalmost the exact same thing,
except it's tailored tocoaching.
So you should always getcomplete information.
There's always compassion overcontrol.
Healing is invitational, it isnot forced.
I know that if you have beenlistening to Hey Tabby for any
length of time, I am a big fanof invitation and invitational
(14:18):
language because again, as avictim of abuse, as a victim of
spiritual abuse or coercivecontrol or domestic abuse, or
anyone that's been traumatized,your voice gets taken.
And it's an invitation, and youget to say yes or no to
invitations.
And so that is what we want todo is invite you into places,
(14:39):
and that's where healthycoaching and therapy and groups
are really at.
So when we talk about faithintegrated, a green flag is that
it's faith integrated, not faithimposed.
So what that means is thateverybody has a different flavor
sometimes of their faith.
Everybody is in a differentspace in their walk.
And if you have been reallyhurt, you may be wrestling with
(15:02):
some things.
And that is an area where theleader or facilitator or
therapist or coach needs toreally lean in softly and really
just respect your belief, notwith an eye scripture, not use
it to spiritually bypass orminimize, not use it to be
harmful in any way, but toreally let you be where you are
(15:25):
in the wrestle.
We run a group called Restore,and it is for folks who have had
their faith deeply harmed andwant to restore a relationship
with God, but do not want it tobe take two verses and call me
in the morning.
And we are so gentle in thatgroup because of how tender
people are.
And we want to be really mindfulof that.
(15:47):
So while faith may be a part ofsomething, it is not a forced
thing.
And it is not something whereyou have to believe exactly like
your facilitator, yourtherapist, your coach, the group
itself.
And that is really importantthat you are okay to be where
you are and to wrestle throughwhat you need to wrestle
through.
I will also say a really goodtherapist or coach or group is
(16:10):
going to encourage somaticpractices.
We get disconnected from ourbodies when we are traumatized.
It's just so obvious in theresearch, so obvious in everyone
that I've ever worked with.
And so we want to encourage youto step back into your body
again in an invitational way,but using things like breath
(16:30):
work or grounding, gentle bodyconnection, gentle body
movements.
All of those things are placeswhere we are going to gently
invite you into a space toreconnect.
And if there is anything that isa group or coach or therapist
that isn't taking that intoconsideration, particularly
(16:52):
because trauma lives inourselves, then it might not be
the right group for you or theright person to work with for
your healing.
Healing happens in thecommunity.
So you want to be with a coachor therapist or group that is
encouraging healthy community.
So your coach or therapistshould help you a learn what
(17:12):
healthy community looks like ifyou're not sure, because man,
when we've been hurt, sometimeswe do not know.
And also help you find ideas toconnect with a healthy
community.
If you're in a support group, itshould be modeling healthy
community.
It should be leaning into whatis healthy and what you need.
You also should reallyunderstand the difference
(17:35):
between therapy and coaching.
They are not the same thing.
And we have an article on ourwebsite that talks about the
difference between therapy andcoaching.
And I will link that in the shownotes so that you can understand
it a little bit better becauseyou don't want to think you are
getting therapy and then you getinto a coaching relationship.
And you don't want to get into atherapeutic relationship
(17:57):
thinking it's going to becoaching, right?
If you're like, I really needthis and not this, then you want
to find the right person foryou.
And a good therapist or coach isgoing to really help you unpack
that to make sure the right fitfor you.
So here is a few just checklistitems to help you assess when
you are looking online forresources.
(18:20):
First, do they list verifiablecredentials?
Are they licensed?
Are they certified?
What do we got here?
And if someone is a therapistwho is doing coaching, as long
as they have a goodunderstanding of the difference
between the two, you don'tnecessarily need a specific
coaching credential.
But you do want to ask somequestions around like how do you
know the difference?
(18:40):
And are you going toaccidentally be doing therapy
when you should be doingcoaching?
Like, you need to make surethat's working properly.
Do they use evidence-basedthings?
So things like EMDR, brainspotting, internal family
systems, any type ofintervention, you know, or tool,
right?
That is going to be based insomething that we know works.
(19:03):
And you can ask questions aboutthat.
How do you know that this works?
Where's your evidence for it?
What training?
That kind of thing.
Are there spaces inclusive andrespectful?
You should feel as emotionallysafe as you can.
And look, I know that in itselfis a journey, but it should be
set up for as much emotionalsafety as possible.
So you're not being shamed ifyou are divorced or if you've
(19:25):
had sexual trauma or if youdoubt something and have to
wrestle, or if you're not surehow you feel about God.
None of that should bring shame.
Not in these spaces.
You should absolutely be able tobe where you are.
Now the goal is to heal.
And so there will be someencouragement to heal,
obviously.
And that is not always pleasant.
It can feel very uncomfortable,but it shouldn't be a place
(19:49):
where you don't feel like youcan do the wrestle.
And do they encourage boundariesand choice?
Any therapist, coach, or groupthat you are in absolutely
should encourage these thingsand should hold good boundaries
with you and should alsoencourage good boundaries in a
group setting.
It's really important.
Are there trigger warnings orsafety guidance, right?
(20:12):
So depending on what thesituation is, what kind of group
it is, you know, there needs tobe some sort of like, hey, we
want to keep this group safe andthis is what that looks like, or
hey, we're going to talk abouthard things you may find
yourself activated.
Here are ways to take care ofyourself in that space.
We do this very often when weare doing the Call to Peace
(20:33):
Ministries faith-based domesticabuse advocacy training.
We are often reminding peoplethat this might be activating.
We are offering groundingexercises throughout the course
of the training to help peoplereally stay in their bodies and
be able to stay present and tokeep it as safe as possible for
a difficult topic.
And that is really important.
(20:54):
You should see that in any groupplace.
You should see that with anytherapy or coaching relationship
where your body is taken intoconsideration and your therapist
or coaches checking in with youand seeing how you're doing and
not moving faster than yournervous system can go.
I will just remind you thathealing is possible.
(21:15):
I know some days that feels solike it's not even truth, right?
Oh gosh, it can be so hard.
But it is possible with theright help.
There are lots of resources outthere that are very, very good.
Hopefully, this will help youfind the ones that fit better
for you and fit in a way thatyou can honor your faith and
(21:37):
also honor your healing and notget caught up again in a space
where maybe it's not healthybecause your body's used to
unhealthy and you didn't catch ared flag.
So hopefully this will help youcatch your red flags, find all
the green flags, and get whatyou need.
So I want to encourage you totake a few minutes this week to
really look at who is speakinginto your healing journey.
(22:01):
Where are you putting your feetin online spaces that is
helpful?
And where is it not helpful?
And you might find, hey, I'm inall helpful places.
This is amazing.
You might find, like, oh, maybeI'm not.
Oh gosh.
Oh my goodness.
If you're not familiar with mybook, Body and Soul, Healed and
Whole, we have a digitalcompanion guide that goes along
(22:24):
with it.
I will also put a link down inthe description as well.
And there are a couple questionsthat this might help you out as
you are looking at where youare.
One question is, how has shameshown up in your healing
journey?
And look for places that shamemight be being fostered.
And again, as survivors, westruggle with shame.
(22:46):
We really do.
And so look at who's heapingshame on you.
It might be yourself.
I might just say that.
But if you're in an online spacewhere you're feeling shamed, you
might want to evaluate it.
Is this something that I amexperiencing because of my own
story?
Is this a shaming environment?
It's a good question to ask.
And then where have you felttruly seen and safe?
(23:08):
And spend more time in thoseplaces, honestly.
So if there is a group that youare part of where you just feel
really cared for and reallysafe, then that is absolutely a
place that you want to put yourfeet more often.
I hope this episode is helpful.
It's meant to be prettypractical and helping you find
good spaces online for you tospend time and to work toward
(23:31):
healing.
If we can help you in terms ofcoaching or counseling, we will
have a link down in the shownotes as well so that you can
reach out to us.
Or you can head over towww.thejourneyandheprocess.com
and connect with us there.
Thanks again for being with meon Hey Tabby.
It has been a pleasure to bewith you, and I'll see you again
(23:53):
next week.
Thanks for joining me fortoday's episode of Hey Tabby.
If you're looking for a resourcethat I mentioned in the show and
you want to check out the shownotes, head on over to
tabithawestbrook.com forwardslash hey tabby.
That's H-E-Y-T-A-B-I, and youcan grab it there.
Look forward to seeing you nexttime.
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