August 18, 2025 • 29 mins
Trauma survivors often master compassion for everyone - except themselves. This creates a hidden cost to their healing journey. Self-compassion isn't self-indulgence but actually mirrors God's heart toward us and represents a crucial piece in trauma recovery.
• Self-compassion consists of three parts, as stated by Kristin Neff: self-kindness vs. self-judgment, common humanity vs. isolation, and mindfulness vs. over-identification
• Trauma distorts our ability to show ourselves compassion, making us hypercritical and feeling isolated in our pain
• Scripture shows God's compassionate heart toward us - "He knows how we are formed. He remembers we are dust" (Psalm 103:13-14)
• Jesus never spoke harshly to the broken and hurting
• Self-talk shapes our reality - reframing negative thoughts is crucial for healing
• Soul-care involves tending to your whole being - physical, emotional, and spiritual - with self-compassion
• Practical steps are included to help you move toward self-compassion
Self-compassion is an act of holy rebellion against trauma's lies. Even micro-movements in self-compassion create meaningful progress in healing
Try just one self-compassion practice today - micro-movements still move you forward. You're not being selfish; you're walking in who God created you to be.
Resources:
Rachel Wojo - https://rachelwojo.com/.
Her books referenced are:
One More Step - https://cardshop.rachelwojo.com/products/one-more-step-finding-strength-when-you-feel-like-giving-up
Desperate Prayers - https://cardshop.rachelwojo.com/products/desperate-prayers
At The Journey and The Process we strive to help you heal. Our therapists are trauma specialists who use evidence-based tools like EMDR, Brainspotting, Somatic Experiencing, and Internal Family Systems to help you heal - mind, soul, and body. Reach out today to start your healing journey. https://thejourneyandtheprocess.com/
🎧 Subscribe to Hey Tabi for more expert conversations on trauma, faith, and healing.
📩 Connect with Tabitha:
💻 Tabitha's Website - www.tabithawestbrook.com
📲 Tabitha's Instagram - www.instagram.com/tabithathecounselor
🎙️ Podcast Homepage - https://heytabi.buzzsprout.com
💻 The Journey & The Process Website - www.thejourneyandtheprocess.com
📲 The Journey & The Process Instagram - www.instagram.com/_tjatp
Subscribe to my YouTube Channel & watch podcast episodes there
👍 If this episode resonated with you, please like, subscribe, and share to help others who need this information!
🚨 Disclaimer: This podcast is not therapy and is intended for educational purposes only. If you're in crisis or need therapy, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional.
Need to know how to find a great therapist? Read this...
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
What if the cruelest voice in your life is your own?
Trauma survivors are oftenexperts in compassion for
everyone except themselves.
In this episode, we're going tobe exposing the hidden cost of
self-neglect, the surprisingbiblical truth about
self-compassion and the simpleshift that can change your
(00:21):
healing forever.
Welcome to hey Tabby, thepodcast where we talk about the
hard things out loud, with ouractual lips.
We'll cover all kinds of topicsacross the mental health
spectrum, including how itintersects with the Christian
faith.
Nothing is off limits here andwe are not.
Take two verses and call me inthe morning.
I'm Tabitha Westbrook and I'm alicensed trauma therapist.
(00:42):
But I'm not your traumatherapist.
I'm an expert in domestic abuseand coercive control and how
complex trauma impacts ourhealth and well-being.
Our focus here is knowledge andhealing.
Trauma doesn't have to eat yourlunch forever.
There is hope.
Now let's get going.
Welcome to this week's episodeof hey Tabby.
(01:03):
I am really excited to talkabout this with you and I'm
doing it from a very, veryexperiential place.
This week I had alreadyrecorded this particular episode
and the file got corrupted andI was really, really frustrated
and kind of freaking out becauseI was like, oh my gosh, what am
I going to do and I really hadto have some self-compassion and
(01:25):
put some space in my calendarto record this again and we're
going to talk aboutself-compassion and how it
impacts us and our healing andhow it's actually quite godly
and really engineered by God.
So I'm really glad that you'rehere and we're going to dive
right into the first part here.
So the first part here is whatis self-compassion?
(01:46):
And we need to start with thebasics, because I think a lot of
people hear this word and youthink self-indulgence, you think
I'm playing the victim, youthink all kinds of different
things that aren't actuallyself-compassion at all.
It's all completely differentparadigm.
So the basics ofself-compassion really aren't
just being nice to yourself.
(02:06):
That's part of it, but it's notall of it.
Researcher Kristen Neff reallydoes a deep dive on
self-compassion it's kind of herthing and she refers to it in
three different parts.
The first part is self-kindnessversus self-judgment, and what
this is is treating yourselfwith the same care and kindness
(02:27):
that you would give a dearfriend.
So you are treating yourselflike you would treat somebody
that you really really careabout.
The second piece of it iscommon humanity versus isolation
, and this means rememberingthat you're not the only one who
suffers.
We are all in this together.
If we were really honest and Ithink sometimes in the church
people don't get this level ofhonesty and that's unfortunate,
(02:51):
but if we're really honest,everybody suffers at some points
, and sometimes a lot of pointsactually.
Sometimes suffering happensdeeply and often and we just
don't talk to each other aboutit.
We are not isolated in this.
We are not the only ones thatsuffer, everyone does.
It's really important toremember that when we are giving
(03:14):
ourselves compassion and I'lltell you why in a little bit the
other piece of Kristen Neff'sparadigm is mindfulness versus
over-identification.
Mindfulness, if you've heard metalk about it before, is being
in the present moment.
That's the really really shortdefinition of it.
It's just being present in thismoment.
And over-identification is whenwe believe that we are our
(03:37):
feelings, so we feel like we'redrowning in them.
But when you take a mindfulnessapproach, then we are in the
present moment.
We notice our feelings, we givethem grace and space, but we
are not owned by them, we're notrun by them.
They don't make all of ourdecisions for us, have
(04:05):
experienced trauma.
These very, very often just getcompletely distorted and
flipped on their heads.
You might be very hypercriticalof yourself.
Giving grace to yourself islikely something super hard.
Sometimes you might believethat you are alone in your pain.
No one will understand, no onecan even see.
If I share it with someone,will I even be believed?
Or you can get stuck inoverwhelming emotions.
It is super, super common thatI hear things from my clients
(04:28):
Like if I start to cry, I'mnever going to stop, I'm going
to be here forever.
Or I don't know how to feelanything because I'm afraid if I
let myself feel anything at all, it's just going to get crazy
and bad and big and I won't beable to stop it and then I'll be
non-functional.
Do you notice the like spiralof thoughts that happen there?
And so we really want todisentangle that theology and
(04:51):
thought pattern from whatself-compassion actually is so
that we can engage in it becauseit's really, really important
for healing.
Self-compassion actually mirrorsGod's image in us.
I know that might be a shockerfor people like oh my goodness
what?
But this is really where wewant to take a minute to focus
because it's so important.
Self-compassion isn't selfish,right?
(05:14):
I already said it's notself-indulgence.
It is not playing the victimgame or diving into a pity party
at all.
It really is aligning ourselveswith God and how he sees us.
You are made in the image andlikeness of God, no matter who
you are.
Every single human on thisearth is an image bearer, to
(05:36):
some degree, of the living God.
That is how we are created.
We are the imago Dei, which isthe image of God.
This means that your worthisn't up for debate, no matter
what's been said or done to you.
I really like Psalm 103, 13 and14 here that talks about it in
this way.
As a father has compassion onhis children, so the Lord has
(05:58):
compassion on those who fear him.
For he knows how we are formed.
He remembers we are dust oh,yes, right.
And if the Lord can look at usand know our frame and know what
we are made of and know how hecreated us, he knows our
limitations.
Jesus himself came to the earthand had our limitations right.
(06:18):
He had to eat, he had to usethe bathroom, he had to sleep,
he needed rest, all of thosethings.
He knows us from the inside outbecause we're his creation.
So when we're extendingcompassion to ourselves, we are
actually reflecting the heart ofGod.
He has compassion on us andwhen we say, well, I can have
(06:40):
compassion on someone else, butnot myself, then we're actually
missing a piece of the heart ofGod in this.
And if we look even at Jesus'slife and ministry, he had
enormous compassion on those whoare hurting.
You never see him say anythingharsh to someone who is
struggling, who is broken andhurting.
You know the Bible says abruised reed he will not break,
(07:03):
a smoking flax he won't quench.
So anyone that's in thatvulnerable state you see Jesus
come alongside and give enormouscompassion to when he tells his
disciples here's whatleadership looks like.
You will not lord it over theGentiles.
You will not lord it over eachother like the Gentiles do as
he's washing their feet.
You will be a servant.
(07:24):
Whoever wants to be first inthe kingdom will be last right.
That is a place and position ofcompassion, because when we see
others the way that God seesthem, and then also see
ourselves the way that God seesus, compassion is actually a bit
of a natural outflow eventually.
It's not going to feel that wayat first, but it is eventually
(07:44):
a natural outflow.
When we are extendingcompassion to ourselves, we are
evidencing the heart of Godtoward us.
We are saying.
I believe you that you say thisabout me, even if it doesn't
feel super true right now, andthat is part of the way that we
begin to shift Now.
(08:05):
If you've read Body and Soul,healed and Whole and you've
gotten to chapter nine, where Italk about vows and curses, you
know that how we speak toourselves matters greatly.
Our self-talk literally shapesour reality and I know it can be
so hard when the negative andthe critical feel true.
Maybe it has been spoken overyou your entire life and you
(08:28):
don't know how to feeldifferently about yourself.
This is where good coaching andtherapy and support can come in
.
But if we really look at things, there are a lot of places that
talk about this from atheological perspective.
There is a particular churchcalled the Table Church, and the
(08:50):
way that they nameself-compassion is the missing
piece in sacred self-care.
If you are begrudgingly doingself-care, then you are just
checking off a box.
You're not really givingyourself care and kindness.
You're doing it because atherapist told you to, a pastor
told you to, your coach told youto.
(09:10):
Maybe you're listening to thisand you're like, well, yes, I
need to.
Or you've read my book andyou're like, yes, I need to, or
some other book, but you'redoing it not because you believe
you deserve the care, butbecause it's a box to check and
you're supposed to do this toget better.
However, it is a place where wecan learn to have shift and we
can learn to enter into it froma place of I am actually worthy
(09:38):
of this.
Now, sometimes it starts withjust a little bit of radical
acceptance and opposite action.
I know this is true, so I'mgoing to go do it, but you're
really leaning in and you'redoing it with your whole self.
You're not doing itbegrudgingly as a checkbox, and
when we are carrying the voiceof someone who's abused us and
harmed us in our souls, then wejust might be walking in
something that isn't true,something that is a very simple.
(10:02):
Entry point is when you think Ican never get better.
This is never going to bebetter.
You can reframe it to saysomething like I'm learning and
growing, even if it's messy.
And I really like this onebecause it doesn't minimize the
hard of it all.
It doesn't minimize that youare growing and things are messy
, right.
(10:22):
It doesn't minimize the hardstuff, but it is a reminder that
things are changing right, youare not at the very beginning if
you're not at the verybeginning, if you're not at the
very beginning and things aregrowing and changing.
And that's why I say often toclients that a journey of a
thousand miles does begin with asingle step.
And that might seem like such atrite little adage, but if you
(10:42):
look at it, it's so incrediblytrue.
When we look at where we were ayear ago, it's probably not the
same as today, and if we takethe next step forward, we will
be farther than we could haveever imagined.
And I know that that's beeneven true in my own life.
It's been something that I havehad to walk through, especially
(11:04):
because I have struggled, andsometimes still struggle, with
very negative self-talk.
My goodness, the way I talk tomyself, I would not talk to
another person, and I reallysometimes have to get real about
that and go Tabitha, what areyou doing?
Oh, my goodness, girl.
One of my favorite exercisesfrom Body and Soul, healed and
Whole, is when I talk aboutthanking our bodies for
(11:25):
different things, and it is alittle bit of a way to enter
into.
Not only getting back into ourbodies after trauma, but also to
give is a little bit of a wayto enter into not only getting
back into our bodies aftertrauma, but also to give
ourselves a little bit ofgoodness and self-compassion.
So something might look likethank you hands for being able
to pick things up or thank youfor being able to open a bottle
of water or to hug someone withthese arms right or to hug
(11:53):
someone with these arms right.
Those are things that we can bethankful for in our bodies,
even when we struggle maybe inother places with
self-compassion.
And it's a way to kind of getstarted just a little bit.
And self-compassion really issoul care.
Self-care is so much biggerthan just bubble baths and
scented candles although thosethings are lovely and important
(12:14):
and I will not minimize them butit's really being tender and
tending to your whole being.
You know again, as it says inthe Psalms, you know we are made
from dust.
God knows there are these weakmoments.
I always think of Beth Mooresaying things like Jesus knows
that we are scared sometimes,like he's not unmoved by it.
(12:38):
He loves us so much.
When we are really enteringinto good self, soul care, we're
listening to our physical body,knowing it signals without
shaming them, and that could bethat gut feeling that, oh, I
shouldn't be here right now, or,and I mean like in a situation
where it's like maybe not safeand you need to go.
(12:58):
Or listening to your body'shunger and fullness cues,
listening to your body's needfor movement and rest, things
like that are very, very muchgiving yourself self-compassion
From an emotional perspective.
It's giving yourself permissionto feel all of your emotions,
all of them.
Some of the emotionsoccasionally get vilified by
(13:18):
churches.
I don't know if it's purposefulor accidental, but things like
anger, particularly for women,can get really vilified and I
really want to pull us out ofthat, because there's a whole
verse that says be angry and donot sin.
And we know from readingscripture that all of our
emotions are given to us by Godand that we are created in his
(13:41):
image and likeness, even in thatspace.
So we want to be able to feelgrief and joy and sorrow and
anger and fear.
We don't want to give ourselvesover to them right, that goes
back to that being mindful peace, but we want to acknowledge
them.
They are a check engine lightfrom the Lord.
They draw us into lament andcrying out to him when we
(14:04):
experience sorrow and grief anddeep sadness.
We want to glorify God when weexperience happiness and joy.
We want to cry out God, help mewhen we experience fear.
These are things that aretender spaces of self-care for
us and tender areas ofself-compassion From a spiritual
(14:28):
perspective.
We are opening ourselves up toGod's grace and truth about who
we are, even if it doesn't feeltrue yet, we know that it is
true.
Right, because if God said it,then it's definitely accurate.
But we can start to enter inand go.
I want to believe, help myunbelief.
I want to see myself the waythat you see me.
(14:48):
God, help me, see me well.
I want to see myself the waythat you see me, god, help me,
see me well, help me, see me inthe way that you do.
No-transcript, and if younotice the way that I'm even
talking about it is with atender voice and that is so
important.
God does not speak to usharshly, even in the garden.
(15:11):
When he said where are you?
And if you listened to theepisode with Chuck DeGroote, we
really talked about thatquestion from his book Healing
what's Within?
Where are you, wasn't that?
Where are you?
You're in trouble.
It was oh, children, where areyou, wasn't that?
Where are you?
You're in trouble.
It was oh, children, where areyou?
(15:34):
I love you.
And that really is theperspective that God gives us.
He wouldn't have sent his sonto die for our sins if he didn't
care for us.
He could have just wiped us out, created a whole new creation
that weren't a bunch of dingbats.
Frankly, right, he could havecreated us without sin.
He could have created all kindsof things and been like yeah,
yeah, y'all messed up, let's trythis again.
And he didn't.
He didn't.
(15:55):
He came and said I love you somuch that I'm going to save you.
Y'all cannot save yourselves.
I already know this about youand I'm going to come.
And I'm going to come for youand heal you and save you Now,
yes, if you are deep in theweeds right now, you're like I
could use a little saving, a lotfaster than it's happening.
And, man, I hear that.
I hear that so much.
(16:15):
And the Lord is so merciful.
I wish his timing was my timing.
I know I'm going to get toheaven and be like, oh, this all
makes a lot more sense, butright now it's like I don't know
what you're waiting for.
Sometimes, you know and I thinkthat we're all in that when
we're like, oh, I'm just readyto go home, home, all right, and
he understands Again.
He knows what we're made of.
He knows that we are a vapor.
(16:37):
We don't always understand ourvaporiness, but he is looking at
things in light of eternity,with enormous compassion for you
, and so we can look atourselves with enormous
compassion in light of eternity,but also knowing it's hard here
and now.
I know I say this often insessions with clients, but all
(16:57):
of our affliction is light andmomentary and it absolutely
feels like neither light normomentary.
So I will acknowledge that andI will acknowledge this is a
hard road, with lots ofsuffering at times and so
challenging.
But when we enter intoself-compassion, it does make
this hard road just a littlesmoother.
So let's talk about somepractical steps here.
(17:21):
Mindful check-ins this is whereyou really pause and notice
what's happening in your bodyand mind, and if you are used to
functioning on autopilot andyou are not used to checking in
with yourself about anything, Iwould encourage you set a timer
on your phone, because this is askill that you really want to
press into, enter into and learn.
You definitely want to make itmore of a habit.
(17:45):
I was listening to someonerecently on a podcast talk about
habit stacking.
Where could you habit stackthis?
Where could you habit stackchecking in?
Maybe it is in the shower inthe morning.
You know you're already in theshower, you're washing, you're
connected to your body.
I hope at least a little.
Sometimes I know that's hard inthe shower, but maybe you could
check in and say how am Ifeeling, what am I noticing,
(18:07):
what do I need?
You can also use the shower toenter into compassionate
self-touch.
Now, you can do this otherplaces as well, but you could
simply give yourself compassion.
I am washing my body so that Iam feeling good and clean.
And oh, thank you, legs forhelping me stand in the shower.
Or, you know, thank you armsfor you know being able to wash
(18:30):
my body, whatever it is right.
You can give yourself thatcompassion and touch yourself
gently in the shower or at othertimes.
You can also do something likeplacing your hand over your
heart and saying I'm here withyou, I'm here with myself, I'm
here with myself.
I'm going to give myself just amoment to be present, and that
(18:52):
might seem a little bit hokey,but even just doing it now,
demonstrating it and talkingabout it.
I felt my body relax.
So notice if you feel your bodyshift or change in those spaces
.
That can be a really bigindicator of that being good for
you.
And try different things.
You can try all kinds ofdifferent.
You know ways to touch yourselfand to see what feels good and
(19:13):
what feels calming.
Another thing that you can do istake your favorite scripture
and read them over yourself, forexample, just the one about God
keeping people in perfect peacewhen we focus on him.
Lord, I know that you keeppeople in perfect peace when we
focus on him.
Lord, I know that you keep mein perfect peace when I focus on
you.
I have a hard time with thatand sometimes I don't feel very
(19:35):
peaceful.
Please be with me, god.
I need peace.
God, help me.
It can be super simple If yougrew up or have been in a
tradition where prayer wasweaponized and vilified and you
were told oh, I have to do this,that or, third, it has to look
like this man.
It really isn't.
It's really just talking toyour friend.
I think about how the Lordspoke about Moses.
He talked to him like a friend.
Talk to him like a friend.
How do you talk to your friends.
You don't call them up and gooh most holy friend, how can I
(19:58):
speak with you today?
How may I enter into yourpresence?
I mean, if you're doing thatlike we probably need to have a
whole different conversationhere, but you just call up your
friend, you're like hey, how areyou?
What's going on?
Right, we can talk to God, likethat the veil has been torn and
we get to walk into the throneroom of grace.
We also can engage in communityreflection, and what this means
(20:20):
is letting safe people remindyou of your worth.
I do this with clients a lot,where I will encourage them to
send out a strength survey to afriend and or a series of
friends and say what strengthsdo you see in me?
Super simple question, that'sit.
We don't have to be multiplechoice.
Every single one of them freaksout a little bit and is like,
(20:41):
oh no, like it's going to beterrible, nobody's going to have
anything good to say, and thatis such a product of trauma,
honestly, and all of them todate have been pleasantly
surprised when they send thatsurvey out to safe people and
they hear things like you'rekind, you're loyal, you are
beautiful, you're a delight,you're funny, whatever it is,
there are so many things thatthey end up hearing, but it's
(21:11):
always scary.
It's a vulnerable ask.
It is a vulnerable ask but ifyou are willing to do it, you
can do it in a Google form, anemail, a text message.
You can create a whole surveymonkey survey and send it to
people if you want, but theinformation and the affirmation
and the compassion that you'llget from them is going to be
probably life-changing.
Honestly, if you've never donethis and one of the things that
you can also do then is takethose things and say, lord,
(21:34):
these are hard for me to see.
I know so-and-so sees that I amloyal and compassionate and fun
, but I don't see those things.
Will you help me to see myselfmore clearly?
And that is a beautiful,beautiful prayer.
And you can always do againopposite action.
That's where we do the oppositeof how we feel with our whole
(21:56):
selves.
Lord, if I am seen as loyal,kind and compassionate, then I
am going to walk in this earthas if those things are true, and
this is not fake it till youmake it.
This is I'm going to walk inwhat is actually truth until I
feel it A very differentexperience than making something
up.
Now, if you have a friend,that's like I think you should
(22:17):
play NBA basketball and you'relike me, five foot two and
fluffy that was not a realstatement, right Like I'm not
playing basketball at aprofessional level, this is not
happening, but I can definitelytake to heart.
You are kind and compassionate,You're fun to be around, you
have a lot of energy, right.
Those are things I can take toheart and I can say, even if it
(22:38):
doesn't feel true in this moment, lord, help it feel true.
I'm going to trust that thisperson, who's not inside my own
head, living through my owntrauma, maybe sees a little bit
of something that I can't see.
And another way to engage inthis is journaling prompts.
So I'm a big fan of journalingwhen you can do it.
It does not work for everybody.
So if you're like I am not ajournaler and it does not work
(22:58):
for me, do something else, right, you can make voice notes to
yourself.
You can think it in your head.
I'm a big fan of journaling forthose who can do it, because
handwriting things makes such abig difference in how we
experience it and saying thingsout loud makes such a big
difference in how we experienceit.
I don't know how God wired ourbrains that way, but he did, and
(23:20):
so I embrace it and I encourageit with people when I can.
What does self-compassion looklike in my body today?
There's your first prompt andI'll repeat it what does
self-compassion look like in mybody today?
Oh man, that might be a littlebit of a hard one to write out,
(23:43):
right?
This also might be a great oneto start with in the morning.
What is this going to look likein my body today, lord?
What do I need?
Oh, that can be a deep questionand, honestly, it might be
something super tiny, like we'renot talking go big or go home
here.
We're talking start somewhere.
(24:03):
We all have to start somewhere,and the tiniest move still
moves you forward.
By the way, the next questionyou can ask yourself is what
kind of words does my soul needright now?
I recently heard a podcast wherean author her name is Rachel,
and I'll try to find the rest ofher name and the name of her
book she was writing on grief.
It was really interesting, butshe talks about three word
(24:26):
prayers God help me, god guideme, god X, you know, god help,
you know.
Basically super simple prayers,and one of the ones I was
thinking about in a three wordprayer after I listened to that
was God, comfort me, god, holdme, god, help me speak kind
(24:50):
things over myself.
I know that one was more thanthree words.
We had to get a few more wordsin there.
Those things can be very simple.
What are the nice things I needtoday?
The Lord, what do I need to sayto myself?
What comfort words do I need?
Well, tab, it's going to beokay Eventually.
(25:12):
Maybe not even on this earthsometimes, right, but eventually
it's all going to be okayBecause God's going to come back
.
I'm going to be with him.
Eventually, all this crap getssorted out, and that might be
the word I need.
God, I'm going to be with him.
Eventually, all this crap getssorted out, and that might be
the word I need.
God, I'm lonely.
I need to go ask for comfortfrom someone.
I need to give myself somecomfort.
(25:35):
Today, I need words of goodness.
Any of those things can bereally beautiful, and then you
tell those kind words to yoursoul.
I may not feel like I am a goodfriend today, but my friends
say that I am.
I'm going to choose to believethat today I'm worthy of care
and compassion, I'm worthy oflove.
(25:57):
Those might be the things Ineed to say to myself today.
And so, be creative with thisand, you know, be a little
uncomfortable.
If you need to be truly, it'sworth doing.
And I know that that can behard, where you're like, oh, my
goodness gracious, what am Igoing to do with myself?
And just try, just try again.
(26:17):
Micro movements still move youforward.
I just want to reiterateself-compassion is not
self-indulgence.
Honestly, it is an act of holyrebellion against the lies of
trauma and I love me some holyrebellion.
I want to invite you to justpick one, pick one of the things
that we talked about and giveit a try Again.
(26:40):
Micro-movements, enoughmicro-movements, and you've got
a long way.
Think about a snail.
Snails get places.
It might not be real fast, butthey're gonna get there
eventually, and they are a wholebunch of micro-movements.
So even if you're a snail, thatis a-okay.
Go ahead and be a snail.
Make some micro-movements andbe compassionate to yourself.
(27:02):
You are not playing the victim.
You're not self-indulgent,you're not being selfish.
You're actually walking in whoGod created you to be.
Thank you so much for listeningto this week's episode of hey
Tabby.
I'm so glad that you are here.
I can't wait to see you againnext time.
What if the cruelest voice in your life is your own?
Trauma survivors are oftenexperts in compassion for
everyone except themselves.
In this episode, we're going tobe exposing the hidden cost of
self-neglect, the surprisingbiblical truth about
self-compassion and the simpleshift that can change your
(00:21):
healing forever.
Welcome to hey Tabby, thepodcast where we talk about the
hard things out loud, with ouractual lips.
We'll cover all kinds of topicsacross the mental health
spectrum, including how itintersects with the Christian
faith.
Nothing is off limits here andwe are not.
Take two verses and call me inthe morning.
I'm Tabitha Westbrook and I'm alicensed trauma therapist.
(00:42):
But I'm not your traumatherapist.
I'm an expert in domestic abuseand coercive control and how
complex trauma impacts ourhealth and well-being.
Our focus here is knowledge andhealing.
Trauma doesn't have to eat yourlunch forever.
There is hope.
Now let's get going.
Welcome to this week's episodeof hey Tabby.
(01:03):
I am really excited to talkabout this with you and I'm
doing it from a very, veryexperiential place.
This week I had alreadyrecorded this particular episode
and the file got corrupted andI was really, really frustrated
and kind of freaking out becauseI was like, oh my gosh, what am
I going to do and I really hadto have some self-compassion and
(01:25):
put some space in my calendarto record this again and we're
going to talk aboutself-compassion and how it
impacts us and our healing andhow it's actually quite godly
and really engineered by God.
So I'm really glad that you'rehere and we're going to dive
right into the first part here.
So the first part here is whatis self-compassion?
(01:46):
And we need to start with thebasics, because I think a lot of
people hear this word and youthink self-indulgence, you think
I'm playing the victim, youthink all kinds of different
things that aren't actuallyself-compassion at all.
It's all completely differentparadigm.
So the basics ofself-compassion really aren't
just being nice to yourself.
(02:06):
That's part of it, but it's notall of it.
Researcher Kristen Neff reallydoes a deep dive on
self-compassion it's kind of herthing and she refers to it in
three different parts.
The first part is self-kindnessversus self-judgment, and what
this is is treating yourselfwith the same care and kindness
(02:27):
that you would give a dearfriend.
So you are treating yourselflike you would treat somebody
that you really really careabout.
The second piece of it iscommon humanity versus isolation
, and this means rememberingthat you're not the only one who
suffers.
We are all in this together.
If we were really honest and Ithink sometimes in the church
people don't get this level ofhonesty and that's unfortunate,
(02:51):
but if we're really honest,everybody suffers at some points
, and sometimes a lot of pointsactually.
Sometimes suffering happensdeeply and often and we just
don't talk to each other aboutit.
We are not isolated in this.
We are not the only ones thatsuffer, everyone does.
It's really important toremember that when we are giving
(03:14):
ourselves compassion and I'lltell you why in a little bit the
other piece of Kristen Neff'sparadigm is mindfulness versus
over-identification.
Mindfulness, if you've heard metalk about it before, is being
in the present moment.
That's the really really shortdefinition of it.
It's just being present in thismoment.
And over-identification is whenwe believe that we are our
(03:37):
feelings, so we feel like we'redrowning in them.
But when you take a mindfulnessapproach, then we are in the
present moment.
We notice our feelings, we givethem grace and space, but we
are not owned by them, we're notrun by them.
They don't make all of ourdecisions for us, have
(04:05):
experienced trauma.
These very, very often just getcompletely distorted and
flipped on their heads.
You might be very hypercriticalof yourself.
Giving grace to yourself islikely something super hard.
Sometimes you might believethat you are alone in your pain.
No one will understand, no onecan even see.
If I share it with someone,will I even be believed?
Or you can get stuck inoverwhelming emotions.
It is super, super common thatI hear things from my clients
(04:28):
Like if I start to cry, I'mnever going to stop, I'm going
to be here forever.
Or I don't know how to feelanything because I'm afraid if I
let myself feel anything at all, it's just going to get crazy
and bad and big and I won't beable to stop it and then I'll be
non-functional.
Do you notice the like spiralof thoughts that happen there?
And so we really want todisentangle that theology and
(04:51):
thought pattern from whatself-compassion actually is so
that we can engage in it becauseit's really, really important
for healing.
Self-compassion actually mirrorsGod's image in us.
I know that might be a shockerfor people like oh my goodness
what?
But this is really where wewant to take a minute to focus
because it's so important.
Self-compassion isn't selfish,right?
(05:14):
I already said it's notself-indulgence.
It is not playing the victimgame or diving into a pity party
at all.
It really is aligning ourselveswith God and how he sees us.
You are made in the image andlikeness of God, no matter who
you are.
Every single human on thisearth is an image bearer, to
(05:36):
some degree, of the living God.
That is how we are created.
We are the imago Dei, which isthe image of God.
This means that your worthisn't up for debate, no matter
what's been said or done to you.
I really like Psalm 103, 13 and14 here that talks about it in
this way.
As a father has compassion onhis children, so the Lord has
(05:58):
compassion on those who fear him.
For he knows how we are formed.
He remembers we are dust oh,yes, right.
And if the Lord can look at usand know our frame and know what
we are made of and know how hecreated us, he knows our
limitations.
Jesus himself came to the earthand had our limitations right.
(06:18):
He had to eat, he had to usethe bathroom, he had to sleep,
he needed rest, all of thosethings.
He knows us from the inside outbecause we're his creation.
So when we're extendingcompassion to ourselves, we are
actually reflecting the heart ofGod.
He has compassion on us andwhen we say, well, I can have
(06:40):
compassion on someone else, butnot myself, then we're actually
missing a piece of the heart ofGod in this.
And if we look even at Jesus'slife and ministry, he had
enormous compassion on those whoare hurting.
You never see him say anythingharsh to someone who is
struggling, who is broken andhurting.
You know the Bible says abruised reed he will not break,
(07:03):
a smoking flax he won't quench.
So anyone that's in thatvulnerable state you see Jesus
come alongside and give enormouscompassion to when he tells his
disciples here's whatleadership looks like.
You will not lord it over theGentiles.
You will not lord it over eachother like the Gentiles do as
he's washing their feet.
You will be a servant.
(07:24):
Whoever wants to be first inthe kingdom will be last right.
That is a place and position ofcompassion, because when we see
others the way that God seesthem, and then also see
ourselves the way that God seesus, compassion is actually a bit
of a natural outflow eventually.
It's not going to feel that wayat first, but it is eventually
(07:44):
a natural outflow.
When we are extendingcompassion to ourselves, we are
evidencing the heart of Godtoward us.
We are saying.
I believe you that you say thisabout me, even if it doesn't
feel super true right now, andthat is part of the way that we
begin to shift Now.
(08:05):
If you've read Body and Soul,healed and Whole and you've
gotten to chapter nine, where Italk about vows and curses, you
know that how we speak toourselves matters greatly.
Our self-talk literally shapesour reality and I know it can be
so hard when the negative andthe critical feel true.
Maybe it has been spoken overyou your entire life and you
(08:28):
don't know how to feeldifferently about yourself.
This is where good coaching andtherapy and support can come in
.
But if we really look at things, there are a lot of places that
talk about this from atheological perspective.
There is a particular churchcalled the Table Church, and the
(08:50):
way that they nameself-compassion is the missing
piece in sacred self-care.
If you are begrudgingly doingself-care, then you are just
checking off a box.
You're not really givingyourself care and kindness.
You're doing it because atherapist told you to, a pastor
told you to, your coach told youto.
(09:10):
Maybe you're listening to thisand you're like, well, yes, I
need to.
Or you've read my book andyou're like, yes, I need to, or
some other book, but you'redoing it not because you believe
you deserve the care, butbecause it's a box to check and
you're supposed to do this toget better.
However, it is a place where wecan learn to have shift and we
can learn to enter into it froma place of I am actually worthy
(09:38):
of this.
Now, sometimes it starts withjust a little bit of radical
acceptance and opposite action.
I know this is true, so I'mgoing to go do it, but you're
really leaning in and you'redoing it with your whole self.
You're not doing itbegrudgingly as a checkbox, and
when we are carrying the voiceof someone who's abused us and
harmed us in our souls, then wejust might be walking in
something that isn't true,something that is a very simple.
(10:02):
Entry point is when you think Ican never get better.
This is never going to bebetter.
You can reframe it to saysomething like I'm learning and
growing, even if it's messy.
And I really like this onebecause it doesn't minimize the
hard of it all.
It doesn't minimize that youare growing and things are messy
, right.
(10:22):
It doesn't minimize the hardstuff, but it is a reminder that
things are changing right, youare not at the very beginning if
you're not at the verybeginning, if you're not at the
very beginning and things aregrowing and changing.
And that's why I say often toclients that a journey of a
thousand miles does begin with asingle step.
And that might seem like such atrite little adage, but if you
(10:42):
look at it, it's so incrediblytrue.
When we look at where we were ayear ago, it's probably not the
same as today, and if we takethe next step forward, we will
be farther than we could haveever imagined.
And I know that that's beeneven true in my own life.
It's been something that I havehad to walk through, especially
(11:04):
because I have struggled, andsometimes still struggle, with
very negative self-talk.
My goodness, the way I talk tomyself, I would not talk to
another person, and I reallysometimes have to get real about
that and go Tabitha, what areyou doing?
Oh, my goodness, girl.
One of my favorite exercisesfrom Body and Soul, healed and
Whole, is when I talk aboutthanking our bodies for
(11:25):
different things, and it is alittle bit of a way to enter
into.
Not only getting back into ourbodies after trauma, but also to
give is a little bit of a wayto enter into not only getting
back into our bodies aftertrauma, but also to give
ourselves a little bit ofgoodness and self-compassion.
So something might look likethank you hands for being able
to pick things up or thank youfor being able to open a bottle
of water or to hug someone withthese arms right or to hug
(11:53):
someone with these arms right.
Those are things that we can bethankful for in our bodies,
even when we struggle maybe inother places with
self-compassion.
And it's a way to kind of getstarted just a little bit.
And self-compassion really issoul care.
Self-care is so much biggerthan just bubble baths and
scented candles although thosethings are lovely and important
(12:14):
and I will not minimize them butit's really being tender and
tending to your whole being.
You know again, as it says inthe Psalms, you know we are made
from dust.
God knows there are these weakmoments.
I always think of Beth Mooresaying things like Jesus knows
that we are scared sometimes,like he's not unmoved by it.
(12:38):
He loves us so much.
When we are really enteringinto good self, soul care, we're
listening to our physical body,knowing it signals without
shaming them, and that could bethat gut feeling that, oh, I
shouldn't be here right now, or,and I mean like in a situation
where it's like maybe not safeand you need to go.
(12:58):
Or listening to your body'shunger and fullness cues,
listening to your body's needfor movement and rest, things
like that are very, very muchgiving yourself self-compassion
From an emotional perspective.
It's giving yourself permissionto feel all of your emotions,
all of them.
Some of the emotionsoccasionally get vilified by
(13:18):
churches.
I don't know if it's purposefulor accidental, but things like
anger, particularly for women,can get really vilified and I
really want to pull us out ofthat, because there's a whole
verse that says be angry and donot sin.
And we know from readingscripture that all of our
emotions are given to us by Godand that we are created in his
(13:41):
image and likeness, even in thatspace.
So we want to be able to feelgrief and joy and sorrow and
anger and fear.
We don't want to give ourselvesover to them right, that goes
back to that being mindful peace, but we want to acknowledge
them.
They are a check engine lightfrom the Lord.
They draw us into lament andcrying out to him when we
(14:04):
experience sorrow and grief anddeep sadness.
We want to glorify God when weexperience happiness and joy.
We want to cry out God, help mewhen we experience fear.
These are things that aretender spaces of self-care for
us and tender areas ofself-compassion From a spiritual
(14:28):
perspective.
We are opening ourselves up toGod's grace and truth about who
we are, even if it doesn't feeltrue yet, we know that it is
true.
Right, because if God said it,then it's definitely accurate.
But we can start to enter inand go.
I want to believe, help myunbelief.
I want to see myself the waythat you see me.
(14:48):
God, help me, see me well.
I want to see myself the waythat you see me, god, help me,
see me well, help me, see me inthe way that you do.
No-transcript, and if younotice the way that I'm even
talking about it is with atender voice and that is so
important.
God does not speak to usharshly, even in the garden.
(15:11):
When he said where are you?
And if you listened to theepisode with Chuck DeGroote, we
really talked about thatquestion from his book Healing
what's Within?
Where are you, wasn't that?
Where are you?
You're in trouble.
It was oh, children, where areyou, wasn't that?
Where are you?
You're in trouble.
It was oh, children, where areyou?
(15:34):
I love you.
And that really is theperspective that God gives us.
He wouldn't have sent his sonto die for our sins if he didn't
care for us.
He could have just wiped us out, created a whole new creation
that weren't a bunch of dingbats.
Frankly, right, he could havecreated us without sin.
He could have created all kindsof things and been like yeah,
yeah, y'all messed up, let's trythis again.
And he didn't.
He didn't.
(15:55):
He came and said I love you somuch that I'm going to save you.
Y'all cannot save yourselves.
I already know this about youand I'm going to come.
And I'm going to come for youand heal you and save you Now,
yes, if you are deep in theweeds right now, you're like I
could use a little saving, a lotfaster than it's happening.
And, man, I hear that.
I hear that so much.
(16:15):
And the Lord is so merciful.
I wish his timing was my timing.
I know I'm going to get toheaven and be like, oh, this all
makes a lot more sense, butright now it's like I don't know
what you're waiting for.
Sometimes, you know and I thinkthat we're all in that when
we're like, oh, I'm just readyto go home, home, all right, and
he understands Again.
He knows what we're made of.
He knows that we are a vapor.
(16:37):
We don't always understand ourvaporiness, but he is looking at
things in light of eternity,with enormous compassion for you
, and so we can look atourselves with enormous
compassion in light of eternity,but also knowing it's hard here
and now.
I know I say this often insessions with clients, but all
(16:57):
of our affliction is light andmomentary and it absolutely
feels like neither light normomentary.
So I will acknowledge that andI will acknowledge this is a
hard road, with lots ofsuffering at times and so
challenging.
But when we enter intoself-compassion, it does make
this hard road just a littlesmoother.
So let's talk about somepractical steps here.
(17:21):
Mindful check-ins this is whereyou really pause and notice
what's happening in your bodyand mind, and if you are used to
functioning on autopilot andyou are not used to checking in
with yourself about anything, Iwould encourage you set a timer
on your phone, because this is askill that you really want to
press into, enter into and learn.
You definitely want to make itmore of a habit.
(17:45):
I was listening to someonerecently on a podcast talk about
habit stacking.
Where could you habit stackthis?
Where could you habit stackchecking in?
Maybe it is in the shower inthe morning.
You know you're already in theshower, you're washing, you're
connected to your body.
I hope at least a little.
Sometimes I know that's hard inthe shower, but maybe you could
check in and say how am Ifeeling, what am I noticing,
(18:07):
what do I need?
You can also use the shower toenter into compassionate
self-touch.
Now, you can do this otherplaces as well, but you could
simply give yourself compassion.
I am washing my body so that Iam feeling good and clean.
And oh, thank you, legs forhelping me stand in the shower.
Or, you know, thank you armsfor you know being able to wash
(18:30):
my body, whatever it is right.
You can give yourself thatcompassion and touch yourself
gently in the shower or at othertimes.
You can also do something likeplacing your hand over your
heart and saying I'm here withyou, I'm here with myself, I'm
here with myself.
I'm going to give myself just amoment to be present, and that
(18:52):
might seem a little bit hokey,but even just doing it now,
demonstrating it and talkingabout it.
I felt my body relax.
So notice if you feel your bodyshift or change in those spaces
.
That can be a really bigindicator of that being good for
you.
And try different things.
You can try all kinds ofdifferent.
You know ways to touch yourselfand to see what feels good and
(19:13):
what feels calming.
Another thing that you can do istake your favorite scripture
and read them over yourself, forexample, just the one about God
keeping people in perfect peacewhen we focus on him.
Lord, I know that you keeppeople in perfect peace when we
focus on him.
Lord, I know that you keep mein perfect peace when I focus on
you.
I have a hard time with thatand sometimes I don't feel very
(19:35):
peaceful.
Please be with me, god.
I need peace.
God, help me.
It can be super simple If yougrew up or have been in a
tradition where prayer wasweaponized and vilified and you
were told oh, I have to do this,that or, third, it has to look
like this man.
It really isn't.
It's really just talking toyour friend.
I think about how the Lordspoke about Moses.
He talked to him like a friend.
Talk to him like a friend.
How do you talk to your friends.
You don't call them up and gooh most holy friend, how can I
(19:58):
speak with you today?
How may I enter into yourpresence?
I mean, if you're doing thatlike we probably need to have a
whole different conversationhere, but you just call up your
friend, you're like hey, how areyou?
What's going on?
Right, we can talk to God, likethat the veil has been torn and
we get to walk into the throneroom of grace.
We also can engage in communityreflection, and what this means
(20:20):
is letting safe people remindyou of your worth.
I do this with clients a lot,where I will encourage them to
send out a strength survey to afriend and or a series of
friends and say what strengthsdo you see in me?
Super simple question, that'sit.
We don't have to be multiplechoice.
Every single one of them freaksout a little bit and is like,
(20:41):
oh no, like it's going to beterrible, nobody's going to have
anything good to say, and thatis such a product of trauma,
honestly, and all of them todate have been pleasantly
surprised when they send thatsurvey out to safe people and
they hear things like you'rekind, you're loyal, you are
beautiful, you're a delight,you're funny, whatever it is,
there are so many things thatthey end up hearing, but it's
(21:11):
always scary.
It's a vulnerable ask.
It is a vulnerable ask but ifyou are willing to do it, you
can do it in a Google form, anemail, a text message.
You can create a whole surveymonkey survey and send it to
people if you want, but theinformation and the affirmation
and the compassion that you'llget from them is going to be
probably life-changing.
Honestly, if you've never donethis and one of the things that
you can also do then is takethose things and say, lord,
(21:34):
these are hard for me to see.
I know so-and-so sees that I amloyal and compassionate and fun
, but I don't see those things.
Will you help me to see myselfmore clearly?
And that is a beautiful,beautiful prayer.
And you can always do againopposite action.
That's where we do the oppositeof how we feel with our whole
(21:56):
selves.
Lord, if I am seen as loyal,kind and compassionate, then I
am going to walk in this earthas if those things are true, and
this is not fake it till youmake it.
This is I'm going to walk inwhat is actually truth until I
feel it A very differentexperience than making something
up.
Now, if you have a friend,that's like I think you should
(22:17):
play NBA basketball and you'relike me, five foot two and
fluffy that was not a realstatement, right Like I'm not
playing basketball at aprofessional level, this is not
happening, but I can definitelytake to heart.
You are kind and compassionate,You're fun to be around, you
have a lot of energy, right.
Those are things I can take toheart and I can say, even if it
(22:38):
doesn't feel true in this moment, lord, help it feel true.
I'm going to trust that thisperson, who's not inside my own
head, living through my owntrauma, maybe sees a little bit
of something that I can't see.
And another way to engage inthis is journaling prompts.
So I'm a big fan of journalingwhen you can do it.
It does not work for everybody.
So if you're like I am not ajournaler and it does not work
(22:58):
for me, do something else, right, you can make voice notes to
yourself.
You can think it in your head.
I'm a big fan of journaling forthose who can do it, because
handwriting things makes such abig difference in how we
experience it and saying thingsout loud makes such a big
difference in how we experienceit.
I don't know how God wired ourbrains that way, but he did, and
(23:20):
so I embrace it and I encourageit with people when I can.
What does self-compassion looklike in my body today?
There's your first prompt andI'll repeat it what does
self-compassion look like in mybody today?
Oh man, that might be a littlebit of a hard one to write out,
(23:43):
right?
This also might be a great oneto start with in the morning.
What is this going to look likein my body today, lord?
What do I need?
Oh, that can be a deep questionand, honestly, it might be
something super tiny, like we'renot talking go big or go home
here.
We're talking start somewhere.
(24:03):
We all have to start somewhere,and the tiniest move still
moves you forward.
By the way, the next questionyou can ask yourself is what
kind of words does my soul needright now?
I recently heard a podcast wherean author her name is Rachel,
and I'll try to find the rest ofher name and the name of her
book she was writing on grief.
It was really interesting, butshe talks about three word
(24:26):
prayers God help me, god guideme, god X, you know, god help,
you know.
Basically super simple prayers,and one of the ones I was
thinking about in a three wordprayer after I listened to that
was God, comfort me, god, holdme, god, help me speak kind
(24:50):
things over myself.
I know that one was more thanthree words.
We had to get a few more wordsin there.
Those things can be very simple.
What are the nice things I needtoday?
The Lord, what do I need to sayto myself?
What comfort words do I need?
Well, tab, it's going to beokay Eventually.
(25:12):
Maybe not even on this earthsometimes, right, but eventually
it's all going to be okayBecause God's going to come back
.
I'm going to be with him.
Eventually, all this crap getssorted out, and that might be
the word I need.
God, I'm going to be with him.
Eventually, all this crap getssorted out, and that might be
the word I need.
God, I'm lonely.
I need to go ask for comfortfrom someone.
I need to give myself somecomfort.
(25:35):
Today, I need words of goodness.
Any of those things can bereally beautiful, and then you
tell those kind words to yoursoul.
I may not feel like I am a goodfriend today, but my friends
say that I am.
I'm going to choose to believethat today I'm worthy of care
and compassion, I'm worthy oflove.
(25:57):
Those might be the things Ineed to say to myself today.
And so, be creative with thisand, you know, be a little
uncomfortable.
If you need to be truly, it'sworth doing.
And I know that that can behard, where you're like, oh, my
goodness gracious, what am Igoing to do with myself?
And just try, just try again.
(26:17):
Micro movements still move youforward.
I just want to reiterateself-compassion is not
self-indulgence.
Honestly, it is an act of holyrebellion against the lies of
trauma and I love me some holyrebellion.
I want to invite you to justpick one, pick one of the things
that we talked about and giveit a try Again.
(26:40):
Micro-movements, enoughmicro-movements, and you've got
a long way.
Think about a snail.
Snails get places.
It might not be real fast, butthey're gonna get there
eventually, and they are a wholebunch of micro-movements.
So even if you're a snail, thatis a-okay.
Go ahead and be a snail.
Make some micro-movements andbe compassionate to yourself.
(27:02):
You are not playing the victim.
You're not self-indulgent,you're not being selfish.
You're actually walking in whoGod created you to be.
Thank you so much for listeningto this week's episode of hey
Tabby.
I'm so glad that you are here.
I can't wait to see you againnext time.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
New Heights with Jason & Travis Kelce
Football’s funniest family duo — Jason Kelce of the Philadelphia Eagles and Travis Kelce of the Kansas City Chiefs — team up to provide next-level access to life in the league as it unfolds. The two brothers and Super Bowl champions drop weekly insights about the weekly slate of games and share their INSIDE perspectives on trending NFL news and sports headlines. They also endlessly rag on each other as brothers do, chat the latest in pop culture and welcome some very popular and well-known friends to chat with them. Check out new episodes every Wednesday. Follow New Heights on the Wondery App, YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to new episodes early and ad-free, and get exclusive content on Wondery+. Join Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts or Spotify. And join our new membership for a unique fan experience by going to the New Heights YouTube channel now!