April 14, 2025 • 25 mins
What No One Tells You About Using Your Voice After Trauma
In this powerful episode of the Hey Tabi podcast, licensed trauma therapist Tabitha Westbrook unpacks the often untold truth about what happens when survivors start to use their voice after trauma. Drawing from her expertise in domestic abuse, coercive control, and Christian trauma recovery, Tabitha explores the emotional, relational, and systemic risks that can arise when you begin speaking your truth.
You’ll learn how reclaiming your voice can lead to life-changing healing—but also how it can shake up relationships, trigger resistance from unhealthy systems, and stir up old pain. With wisdom and compassion, Tabitha offers practical guidance on how to safely and confidently use your voice while staying grounded in self-awareness, discernment, and faith.
Whether you’re healing from emotional abuse, navigating complex trauma, or trying to integrate your Christian faith with your recovery journey, this episode will give you the clarity, tools, and encouragement you need to keep going.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
No one tells you that there's risk when you learn to
use your voice after trauma.
Until today, as you've healedfrom trauma, you've probably
heard someone tell you learn touse your voice, but have you
ever thought about the risks oflearning to use your voice?
Today, we're going to talkabout the risks and the power of
using your voice.
Welcome to hey Tabby, thepodcast where we talk about the
(00:23):
hard things out loud with ouractual lips.
We'll cover all kinds of topicsacross the mental health
spectrum, including how itintersects with the Christian
faith.
Nothing is off limits here andwe are not.
Take two verses and call me inthe morning.
I'm Tabitha Westbrook and I'm alicensed trauma therapist.
But I'm not your traumatherapist.
I'm an expert in domestic abuseand coercive control and how
(00:45):
complex trauma impacts ourhealth and well-being.
Our focus here is knowledge andhealing.
Trauma doesn't have to eat yourlunch forever.
There is hope.
Now let's get going.
Welcome to hey Tabby, and Ithink, if you've heard our
tagline talking about the hardthings out loud with our actual
lips that you know I personallylove using my voice.
(01:09):
I think that it is a veryempowering thing, but there are
some things to think about.
First of all, when we've hadour voice taken from us in
trauma, we have to learn how touse it again, or maybe use it in
the first place if we never hadthat opportunity, and that can
feel like a daunting task, itcan feel scary, it can feel
overwhelming, it can feel, quitefrankly, like you're doing
(01:31):
something wrong and breaking arule.
You're not, but it candefinitely feel that way.
But there are some risks withlearning to use our voice and I
thought today would be a greatday to talk about that.
First of all, there are thingsthat we can't expect.
There are things that we hopewill go a certain way, and
sometimes they do and sometimesthey don't.
(01:52):
They can be a real challengewhen we are learning to lean
into that fear of using our andknowing when and where our voice
is most usable.
So some of the risks that comealong with using our voice are
loss of relationship or changeto relationship.
(02:15):
If we have been a certain wayfor a long period of time, we
know that people expect us tostay that way and when we start
to change and shift and dothings a little bit differently,
it can really freak people out.
If you have never spoken up orsaid I don't like something.
I do like something.
(02:37):
I want this to be different, orI like this better.
That can actually like terrifysomebody and go wait, wait, wait
, wait.
You never have said anything.
Now I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do withyou.
I don't know how to handle this.
I'm freaking out, man, and thatis actually really normal.
It is a little bit discomfortingwhen folks start to use their
voice and they haven't done itbefore.
Discomforting because you'rechanging the status quo, you're
changing the system, and evenreally awesome people you know,
(02:59):
your really good friends, whoreally are truly solid humans
might struggle a little bit withyou learning to use your voice,
not because they don't love you, but just because it's new and
change is hard for everyone.
So sometimes it is going tochange relationships.
Sometimes that's going to befor the better and sometimes
it's going to be for the worseand relationships will end up
(03:20):
leaving, will end up not beingin a relationship anymore with a
person because we've chosen togive ourselves the permission to
say that we have a preferencefor something or a boundary for
something.
Also, systems don't always loveit when we start to use our
voice.
I know a lot of survivors thatI work with have spoken up in
(03:40):
churches and other institutionsto say that something isn't okay
or they need something donedifferently.
And that is a hard thing.
Right, the system protects thesystem, and when we start to
talk about things in systemsthat are very self-protective,
that can lead to some just realdifficulty and real stress and
(04:03):
the system itself going whoa,whoa, whoa.
We're not ready for that.
Now.
Some systems eventually getready and become acclimated to
it.
So, as I'm talking about this,I'm not trying to vilify
churches that initially struggleor don't understand something,
but yet take the time to learn.
Everybody starts somewhere andif it's the first time that
you've heard it, even if you'rethinking you should have known
(04:25):
this by now we know that's notalways true.
We know it took us a long timesometimes to realize what was
going on in our lives, torealize that there was maybe
coercive control or abusivebehaviors or spiritual abuse,
and if it's a big system,sometimes it takes a little
while for the system itself tolearn that, and I know that's a
pretty charitable outlook, and Iknow some of you who have been
(04:46):
deeply, deeply hurt instructures like certain churches
or denominations mightabsolutely have just already
turned me off.
The truth of the matter isthings can change and through
the power of the Holy Spirit,they absolutely can change.
There are churches andorganizations that would not
have spoken to me just gosheight years ago and now they do.
(05:07):
And now some of them call me upand say, please, will you help,
and that is a beautiful thing.
It's just evidence that God isworking.
Now it often doesn't happen asfast as we want and it doesn't
mean that you don't get hurtwhen it doesn't happen fast
enough or maybe even happen atall in a given situation, but I
do want to hold out that thatcan change.
(05:28):
So systems might have a reallyhard time at first and they
might not ever change.
And using your voice may mean Ihave to find a different place
to be, and that's hard.
That's really hard, especiallyif you have a long-term history
with a given location.
Also, talking can trigger us.
We can actually get activatedby the things that we say.
(05:48):
I will never forget.
This was a therapy session,gosh years ago now, where it was
a family therapy session and Iwas with my son in that session
and the therapist asked me totell him parts of my own trauma
story and I remember startingthat and getting so dysregulated
.
I did not know my right from myleft in that moment.
(06:09):
I wasn't sure which way.
It was, up or down, like I wasreally dissociating and checking
out and my body was veryreactive and it was just because
I'd never told the story inthat setting before.
I'd never told it to my childand you know he was almost an
adult at that point.
By the way, I don't advocatesaying things, certain things,
(06:30):
when children are too young.
We want to be age appropriate,so I will give that caveat.
But this was a therapeuticintervention.
It was obviously wellcontrolled and overseen by a
great therapist who's a familytherapist.
But it was still really hardfor me and my body was very,
very responsive to that and Iactually had to reckon with how
(06:51):
my body responded to that.
I actually had to ask for helpbecause I did not know what to
do to get myself back in my bodyand at that point I was already
a therapist.
And that can happen to the bestof us Like, no matter who you
are, you can exceed your windowof tolerance, therapist, and
that can happen to the best ofus Like, no matter who you are,
you can exceed your window oftolerance sometimes and
sometimes you have to have alittle help to get back in, and
(07:11):
that's totally okay.
Also, sometimes, when we tellour story, we have what I like
to call a vulnerability hangover.
So if we use our voice, if wespeak up, if we tell an aspect
of our story, sometimes we gohome and we think, oh my
goodness, what have I done?
Oh my goodness, what in theworld?
What are people going to thinkI can't believe I said that out
(07:33):
loud.
I wish I could take it all back, and I know we've all been in
those places where we have said,oh my gosh, I can't believe I
did that and we are overthinkingit.
No, but oftentimes we can havethat happen, especially at the
beginning, when we're not usedto being allowed to even have a
preference or use our voice forsomething or to state a thing or
(07:55):
to say no to something or toset a boundary, like there's all
kinds of stuff.
That happens when we learn howto use our voice.
And sometimes we do share toomuch and we have to go back and
go.
You know, I overshared there,sorry about that, and it's just
a messy process.
And for those of you who arenow creaking in your boots going
.
I don't want to be the one toovershare.
(08:15):
Well, you might be anundersharer and you have to work
through that too.
Sometimes that shame starts tocreep in where it's like oh my
gosh, you're too much, you saidthe wrong thing, you said the
thing.
In general, it can be really,really hard.
I remember another story from myown life where I'm, at this
point, very used to talkingabout parts of my story.
(08:36):
I'm very well acquainted withthe fact I have a story and I'm
well acquainted with the factthat it's traumatic.
I don't always think about thefact.
Other people aren't.
And I went to lunch withsomeone who did not know me very
well and they had asked a pieceof my story and, without even
thinking super hard, I just toldpart of my story, and it was a
pretty traumatic part of thestory, and the person looked at
(08:59):
me and went, okay, oh, that'sheavy.
And I went, oh my gosh, Idefinitely shared more than this
person was expecting and theywere totally fine and totally
gracious and it ended up beingokay.
But I definitely was like, ohman, I need to remember that my
story is a little less matter offact, for someone who isn't me
(09:20):
and who hasn't lived with ittheir whole life, and that's
just something to learn who arethe people that can hold pieces
of your story?
Who are the people that canhold some of those things?
And then sometimes also, whenyou set a boundary that someone
isn't expecting, people that canhold pieces of your story who
are the people that can holdsome of those things?
And then sometimes also, whenyou set a boundary that someone
isn't expecting, they're like ohmy gosh, and they don't quite
know what to do.
That doesn't make them aterrible person.
It just means they didn'texpect it.
(09:41):
And anytime something happensthat we don't expect, we can say
you know what?
Yeah, that would probably justkind of mess me up a little bit
too.
Say you know what?
Yeah, that would probably justkind of mess me up a little bit
too.
When we start to really tell ourstory or start to really set a
preference or start to speak out, particularly if we become an
advocate about abuse or coercivecontrol, people are like whoa,
(10:02):
what's happening?
And that's because a lot oftimes, when victims start to do
the work in their own lives, thefirst thing they can say is
something's wrong and they can'tsay I'm being abused, or there
is coercive control.
Most folks don't usually startthere.
They just say something iswrong or I need to fix something
.
And that can be a really trickyspace because you're starting
(10:22):
to talk about something but youdon't quite have words.
And this is where it's reallyhelpful to just remember that
the body keeps the score.
And it can be hard when you'retrying to say something's wrong
but I don't know exactly whatthat is and you're talking to
someone who doesn't understand.
Maybe traumatic responses ordissociative amnesia, which is
where you don't remember stuffthat was traumatic and you're
(10:45):
trying to figure it out becauseyour body is starting to let you
know that something is going on.
So that can be a little bittricky and you might have folks
who misunderstand you.
In fact, even on a really goodday, no matter how well spoken
you are, there is always thepossibility for misunderstanding
.
Maybe what you thought wasgoing on in your head didn't
come out your lips quite well,or you're learning how to
(11:07):
articulate something, or theperson heard it through their
own filter and heard somethingelse that you did not say, and
that happens to lots of people.
We hear through our own filtersand sometimes that leads to
misunderstandings, which is whytalking things through can be
super helpful.
But those are some risky bits tobeginning to use your voice
Like it can change the landscapefor you.
(11:27):
Now, it's not always a badchange to the landscape.
There's some really goodchanges to landscape.
So I'm just going to pausereally quickly here and just let
you sit for one moment with thefact that there can be risk to
using your voice, and it's notalways a bad thing to take a
risk right.
You always want to look at yourrisk to benefit ratio.
(11:49):
Is it the appropriate time, theappropriate person?
How am I feeling as I do that?
And look, I have had folks saythings to me that sometimes were
true and sometimes were not,about the way that I used my
voice.
I have been told I'm assertive,that I am a strong person, and
those things are true.
I've been called aggressive andonce or twice that was true
(12:09):
because I was really heatedabout something.
I really disagreed withsomething that was going on.
I was aggressive in the waythat I came across Wasn't
exactly the most helpful thingto do, but it's where I was at
and I had to go repent for thatand say you know what?
I came across a little harsh.
That was not my intent, butthere's a lot going on and it
worked out.
The person forgave me, wefigured it out.
(12:30):
They were able to own some oftheir own things in that
conversation as well and it wasfine.
But that doesn't mean it alwaysis going to be smooth.
When we learn how to use ourvoice, it can be a whole thing
sometimes.
That shouldn't stop us.
First of all, there is aneurological and a body impact
to using our voice.
When we are speaking the truth,our body recognizes that.
It's one of the things I thinkis the most interesting in
(12:53):
watching and being part ofsomeone's healing journey
Watching them settle in and havetheir body go yes, this is what
happened.
When they are talking, or whenthey say this boundary, this is
my boundary, I am not going tocross this space, or hey, I
really would like it if you fillin the blank, whatever that is.
(13:13):
You know, I really like it ifyou would call me more often, or
like.
I'd really like it if you wouldgo hang out with me or could we
grab dinner or whatever, oreven in the bedroom.
I would really like it if youdid this or that, like those
things can be really, reallyempowering and really helpful.
And it tells our body like, hey, you can settle in here, it's a
(13:34):
really sweet place.
It also helps you speak clearly.
I always say clear is kind.
When we are not beating aroundthe bush, when we are not trying
to minimize or hedge our bets,we are much more clear.
We are not trying to minimizeor hedge our bets.
We are much more clear If I sayI would like to go to dinner at
7 pm.
It's unequivocal, right, wemight be able to talk about
(13:57):
where dinner might be or whathave you, but I'm being very
clear about a preference that Ihave, a desire that I have, and
the other person knows what I'masking for, instead of like,
well, I mean like we could dodinner sometime today or
whatever.
But whatever, right, I'm nottelling you what I really want
and so you don't know.
And then if you don't meet theneed or you can't meet my
(14:19):
preference because I didn't tellyou clearly what it was, I
might end up hurt.
So it actually ends up beingvery relationship connecting to
be able to say here is what Ineed, or here is what I don't
like, or hey, this is whathappened to me.
These are very clear statementsthat are helpful.
It also gives you power overyour story.
(14:41):
When you tell parts of yourstory and you are the one
telling them and not someonetelling them for you, you
actually are holding the powerin what gets known and what
isn't known and how it is stated.
That is really helpful.
I know that that can be veryscary, especially if the
receiver of that story does nothold it well, but that does not
(15:02):
negate the power of you using itand the power of you saying it
and the power of you using yourown voice to tell your story.
And I know that that feels, Idon't know, probably pretty
risky if you're on the beginningside of the using your voice
journey and I totally understandthat it can feel really scary.
But honestly, the more you doit, the easier it becomes in a
(15:23):
lot of ways.
I'm not going to say it'salways easy, sometimes it's not,
sometimes it's very challenging, but it gets easier as you do
it.
Also, it really helps youintegrate your faith.
So, as you are talking aboutright theology, correct doctrine
, disentangling, maybe thingsthat were misapplied, completely
(15:46):
misconstrued, outright heresy,sometimes then you are able to
go.
Wait a second.
I can go before the Lord myself.
I can talk to him myself.
I don't need help.
I don't need someone else to dothis for me.
I don't need someone to saydifferent things.
And also there's tons ofexamples in the Bible of people
speaking up Esther, david,deborah there's lots of folks
(16:08):
who said lots of things in theBible and were able to talk to
God for themselves.
Especially if you're coming outof a very spiritually abusive
situation where you're like I'mnot sure what I believe about
God, you might really need totalk out loud some of those
things.
One of my favorite things to dowith clients, when they are
ready for it, is to readscripture out loud, particularly
(16:31):
ones that got weaponized.
So we'll pick a particulartranslation that feels good to
the client and then we will readthings out loud together and
when we do that, it actuallyreclaimed the scripture that was
distorted for them and it helpstheir relationship with God
incredibly, because they're ableto re-engage with spiritual
practices that might have beenvery meaningful to them but got
(16:54):
lost along the way because ofthe harm that they incurred.
So all of this bears talkingabout how to use your voice in
the most appropriate ways and togive yourself the best safety
possible.
First of all, if you are stillin an abusive or destructive
situation, you want to becareful how you use your voice,
because you want to stay safe.
(17:14):
It may not be the time to sayall the things you want to say,
no matter how badly you want tosay them.
It may need to wait until youare in a safe proximity where
that person can't physically getyou, get to you or it's less
likely that they will that sortof thing to say some of the
things and he may decide youknow what.
They're not going to hear me.
Anyways, it's not worth it tosay it to them.
Maybe I'll say it in a journalto God and still have all the
(17:37):
same things come out, but alsoin a way that I'm going to stay
physically safe.
Not every story is somethingthat you should share.
So just because you can useyour voice doesn't mean you
always should use your voice.
There are going to be parts ofyour story that are sensitive,
that are maybe not for right now.
They are for later.
They might be for a particularcontext, like in therapy or a
(17:58):
support group or with a close,trusted friend.
They may not be what you tellthe bagger at the grocery store.
In fact, those really sensitiveones probably shouldn't be what
you tell the bagger at thegrocery store.
So you want to use discernmentabout who gets to have access to
stories about you, and you alsowant to use discernment just in
(18:18):
setting boundaries or stating apreference, things like that.
Sometimes it's worth doing, evenif you know it isn't going to
be successful, simply becauseit's worth doing and using your
voice.
And sometimes it's not worthdoing.
It might be better to justchange where you're at or to
discontinue your connection withthat community or to decide
(18:39):
maybe it's not the thing I needto work on.
And, truthfully, when we aresurvivors, we often are really
well aware of when things arenot going the way we had hoped
and dreamed in a situation or ina community, and that can lead
to a little bit of hyper in asituation or in a community and
that can lead to a little bit ofhypervigilance in that space.
And I would just encourage youto really look at is this a
(19:00):
battle I need to fight?
Is it really worth it?
Because sometimes, just becausesomething is a little bit off
and like I'm not talking aboutdestructive, I'm just talking
about imperfect right, thatmaybe that's not what I can
grant.
Maybe it's not really evenworth it If I don't like the
direction that we go when weserve communion, for example.
So let's say that your church isa.
(19:20):
You come up and you rip off apiece of bread and dip it in
whatever liquid they have wine,grape juice, whatever and then
you go back to your seat andthen take it and you just were
like, really prefer thedisposable communion cups.
That isn't wrong, it's just notyour preference.
And you might state like, hey,it'd be great if we did this.
And the pastor might be like,hey, this is what we do.
Or the elders like, hey, thisis what we do, it's not a bad
(19:42):
thing and it's not somethingthat you have to confront.
It is not necessarily the thingthat needs to be a deal breaker
in your community.
So I would just encourage you touse discernment.
Talk through it with atherapist, a small group, a
close friend if you need to,because not everything should be
confronted all the time.
You also want to think aboutthe veracity with which you
(20:06):
state something.
The intensity that you use isgoing to be appropriate to the
situation.
A lot of times when survivorscome out of something and they
are just starting to use theirvoice, it is at a level 10 all
the time.
Everything is intense and it'sbecause that's how it feels in
your body.
But learning to have thatdiscernment about is this a
level 10 or really a level 2?
(20:27):
Or does it feel like a level 10in my body because it's
triggering something else thatmaybe is a whole different
experience for me, and those arethings that we can learn to
parse out and look.
It's not going to be perfect,that's okay.
It's going to be a little messyfrom time to time, and that
happens.
But we do want to learn how tostart modulating our voice to
(20:49):
the appropriate level ofintensity and veracity that we
need in a given moment.
There are going to be times Iam much more strongly worded
than I am at other times.
If you have ever heard me talkabout how much I dislike
spiritual abuse or shenanigansin that space, I can get pretty
intense with it.
I'll be honest, because itmakes me very, very angry.
Now, if I am going into asituation with a level 10 that
(21:11):
should really be like a levelseven, because that's where
we're at then I'm going to missand I'm going to say things that
aren't helpful.
I have done that before and hadto repent, but you can learn
how to go.
Ok, this is level seven,definitely feeling like a level
10.
I need to do some work aroundme so that I can be a level
seven.
(21:35):
Or if you're like a level twoand it should be a level seven,
and you're like I am way toochill for this situation, like I
need to have a little moreintensity here, you probably
want to check in and askyourself why.
Maybe you're going into a bitof a freeze state because
something in you has beenactivated from your trauma
history, and that's not a badthing.
It's just self-awareness.
We cannot shift what we do notknow.
(21:56):
So when we are looking at thesethings and going, wait, where
am I really?
That is one way to figure thatstuff out for ourselves.
You can always start using yourvoice in safer contexts.
So, as you are developing andgrowing friendships that are
safer and positive, you canalways practice.
(22:17):
I don't want to eat tacostonight, thank you for asking.
Or I really would prefer to eatturkey over him, or I just
don't want to go to this part oftown.
There's a lot of memories there.
It makes me feel uncomfortable.
Could we go somewhere else?
Those are little boundarysetting things and if you're
doing that with someone whocares for you deeply, they're
(22:38):
going to honor that and it's away to begin practicing almost
the voice muscle, if you will,because it does take practice to
be able to do this.
Now, practice, not perfection.
So again, we're going to havemessy moments, no matter how
skilled you are, but we canstart practicing it in little
spaces so that when we have thebigger spaces, we just have a
(23:00):
little bit of practice happening.
Knowing that silence wassurvival but it doesn't have to
be now is really helpful as well.
You're being given anopportunity to invite yourself
into a different place and againyou're going to learn more
about when, how, all of thosethings just over time and as you
heal and a therapist can helpyou walk through.
(23:23):
Is this the right time to usemy voice?
Is this the right intensity formy voice?
And they'll help you figurethose things out.
And again, it's okay to takeyour time.
You do not have to go intopublic speaking to use your
voice.
It can be just in your regularlife.
Only some of us do the publicspeaking thing, and that's okay.
But you do want to be able tostate preferences, needs,
(23:44):
boundaries, likes, dislikes, allthe things in your personal
life and you do want to be ableto tell the parts of your story
that are appropriate in anygiven situation, and those parts
can change over time.
What's okay for today mightincrease tomorrow or the next
day and all of that is great orit might even decrease, you
never know.
So I hope that is helpful.
(24:08):
I think that we talk a lot aboutall of the good things about
using your voice and there areso many but we also do need to
talk about those risks, becausethere is risk inherent in doing
anything new, and it's not a badthing to consider risk.
Jesus talks about counting thecost, and so it's a good idea.
Now, don't walk in fear.
That is not where you need tobe, but it is good to think
(24:31):
about.
Is this the right time?
Is it the right intensity?
If I do this, am I okay withlosing the folks that may walk
away?
And sometimes the answer is Idon't like that, but it's still
okay if it happens.
I want to thank you for spendingthis time with me and listening
.
If you have any questions,please feel free to reach out.
Any resources that I talk aboutwill be listed in the show
(24:53):
notes, and I hope that you haveany questions, please feel free
to reach out.
Any resources that I talk aboutwill be listed in the show
notes, and I hope that you havea great day and I will see you
here again next time.
Thanks for joining me fortoday's episode of hey Tabby.
If you're looking for aresource that I mentioned in the
show and you want to check outthe show notes, head on over to
tabithawestbrookcom forwardslash hey Tabby.
That's H-E-Y-T-A-B-I and youcan grab it there.
(25:16):
I look forward to seeing younext time.
No one tells you that there's risk when you learn to
use your voice after trauma.
Until today, as you've healedfrom trauma, you've probably
heard someone tell you learn touse your voice, but have you
ever thought about the risks oflearning to use your voice?
Today, we're going to talkabout the risks and the power of
using your voice.
Welcome to hey Tabby, thepodcast where we talk about the
(00:23):
hard things out loud with ouractual lips.
We'll cover all kinds of topicsacross the mental health
spectrum, including how itintersects with the Christian
faith.
Nothing is off limits here andwe are not.
Take two verses and call me inthe morning.
I'm Tabitha Westbrook and I'm alicensed trauma therapist.
But I'm not your traumatherapist.
I'm an expert in domestic abuseand coercive control and how
(00:45):
complex trauma impacts ourhealth and well-being.
Our focus here is knowledge andhealing.
Trauma doesn't have to eat yourlunch forever.
There is hope.
Now let's get going.
Welcome to hey Tabby, and Ithink, if you've heard our
tagline talking about the hardthings out loud with our actual
lips that you know I personallylove using my voice.
(01:09):
I think that it is a veryempowering thing, but there are
some things to think about.
First of all, when we've hadour voice taken from us in
trauma, we have to learn how touse it again, or maybe use it in
the first place if we never hadthat opportunity, and that can
feel like a daunting task, itcan feel scary, it can feel
overwhelming, it can feel, quitefrankly, like you're doing
(01:31):
something wrong and breaking arule.
You're not, but it candefinitely feel that way.
But there are some risks withlearning to use our voice and I
thought today would be a greatday to talk about that.
First of all, there are thingsthat we can't expect.
There are things that we hopewill go a certain way, and
sometimes they do and sometimesthey don't.
(01:52):
They can be a real challengewhen we are learning to lean
into that fear of using our andknowing when and where our voice
is most usable.
So some of the risks that comealong with using our voice are
loss of relationship or changeto relationship.
(02:15):
If we have been a certain wayfor a long period of time, we
know that people expect us tostay that way and when we start
to change and shift and dothings a little bit differently,
it can really freak people out.
If you have never spoken up orsaid I don't like something.
I do like something.
(02:37):
I want this to be different, orI like this better.
That can actually like terrifysomebody and go wait, wait, wait
, wait.
You never have said anything.
Now I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do withyou.
I don't know how to handle this.
I'm freaking out, man, and thatis actually really normal.
It is a little bit discomfortingwhen folks start to use their
voice and they haven't done itbefore.
Discomforting because you'rechanging the status quo, you're
changing the system, and evenreally awesome people you know,
(02:59):
your really good friends, whoreally are truly solid humans
might struggle a little bit withyou learning to use your voice,
not because they don't love you, but just because it's new and
change is hard for everyone.
So sometimes it is going tochange relationships.
Sometimes that's going to befor the better and sometimes
it's going to be for the worseand relationships will end up
(03:20):
leaving, will end up not beingin a relationship anymore with a
person because we've chosen togive ourselves the permission to
say that we have a preferencefor something or a boundary for
something.
Also, systems don't always loveit when we start to use our
voice.
I know a lot of survivors thatI work with have spoken up in
(03:40):
churches and other institutionsto say that something isn't okay
or they need something donedifferently.
And that is a hard thing.
Right, the system protects thesystem, and when we start to
talk about things in systemsthat are very self-protective,
that can lead to some just realdifficulty and real stress and
(04:03):
the system itself going whoa,whoa, whoa.
We're not ready for that.
Now.
Some systems eventually getready and become acclimated to
it.
So, as I'm talking about this,I'm not trying to vilify
churches that initially struggleor don't understand something,
but yet take the time to learn.
Everybody starts somewhere andif it's the first time that
you've heard it, even if you'rethinking you should have known
(04:25):
this by now we know that's notalways true.
We know it took us a long timesometimes to realize what was
going on in our lives, torealize that there was maybe
coercive control or abusivebehaviors or spiritual abuse,
and if it's a big system,sometimes it takes a little
while for the system itself tolearn that, and I know that's a
pretty charitable outlook, and Iknow some of you who have been
(04:46):
deeply, deeply hurt instructures like certain churches
or denominations mightabsolutely have just already
turned me off.
The truth of the matter isthings can change and through
the power of the Holy Spirit,they absolutely can change.
There are churches andorganizations that would not
have spoken to me just gosheight years ago and now they do.
(05:07):
And now some of them call me upand say, please, will you help,
and that is a beautiful thing.
It's just evidence that God isworking.
Now it often doesn't happen asfast as we want and it doesn't
mean that you don't get hurtwhen it doesn't happen fast
enough or maybe even happen atall in a given situation, but I
do want to hold out that thatcan change.
(05:28):
So systems might have a reallyhard time at first and they
might not ever change.
And using your voice may mean Ihave to find a different place
to be, and that's hard.
That's really hard, especiallyif you have a long-term history
with a given location.
Also, talking can trigger us.
We can actually get activatedby the things that we say.
(05:48):
I will never forget.
This was a therapy session,gosh years ago now, where it was
a family therapy session and Iwas with my son in that session
and the therapist asked me totell him parts of my own trauma
story and I remember startingthat and getting so dysregulated
.
I did not know my right from myleft in that moment.
(06:09):
I wasn't sure which way.
It was, up or down, like I wasreally dissociating and checking
out and my body was veryreactive and it was just because
I'd never told the story inthat setting before.
I'd never told it to my childand you know he was almost an
adult at that point.
By the way, I don't advocatesaying things, certain things,
(06:30):
when children are too young.
We want to be age appropriate,so I will give that caveat.
But this was a therapeuticintervention.
It was obviously wellcontrolled and overseen by a
great therapist who's a familytherapist.
But it was still really hardfor me and my body was very,
very responsive to that and Iactually had to reckon with how
(06:51):
my body responded to that.
I actually had to ask for helpbecause I did not know what to
do to get myself back in my bodyand at that point I was already
a therapist.
And that can happen to the bestof us Like, no matter who you
are, you can exceed your windowof tolerance, therapist, and
that can happen to the best ofus Like, no matter who you are,
you can exceed your window oftolerance sometimes and
sometimes you have to have alittle help to get back in, and
(07:11):
that's totally okay.
Also, sometimes, when we tellour story, we have what I like
to call a vulnerability hangover.
So if we use our voice, if wespeak up, if we tell an aspect
of our story, sometimes we gohome and we think, oh my
goodness, what have I done?
Oh my goodness, what in theworld?
What are people going to thinkI can't believe I said that out
(07:33):
loud.
I wish I could take it all back, and I know we've all been in
those places where we have said,oh my gosh, I can't believe I
did that and we are overthinkingit.
No, but oftentimes we can havethat happen, especially at the
beginning, when we're not usedto being allowed to even have a
preference or use our voice forsomething or to state a thing or
(07:55):
to say no to something or toset a boundary, like there's all
kinds of stuff.
That happens when we learn howto use our voice.
And sometimes we do share toomuch and we have to go back and
go.
You know, I overshared there,sorry about that, and it's just
a messy process.
And for those of you who arenow creaking in your boots going
.
I don't want to be the one toovershare.
(08:15):
Well, you might be anundersharer and you have to work
through that too.
Sometimes that shame starts tocreep in where it's like oh my
gosh, you're too much, you saidthe wrong thing, you said the
thing.
In general, it can be really,really hard.
I remember another story from myown life where I'm, at this
point, very used to talkingabout parts of my story.
(08:36):
I'm very well acquainted withthe fact I have a story and I'm
well acquainted with the factthat it's traumatic.
I don't always think about thefact.
Other people aren't.
And I went to lunch withsomeone who did not know me very
well and they had asked a pieceof my story and, without even
thinking super hard, I just toldpart of my story, and it was a
pretty traumatic part of thestory, and the person looked at
(08:59):
me and went, okay, oh, that'sheavy.
And I went, oh my gosh, Idefinitely shared more than this
person was expecting and theywere totally fine and totally
gracious and it ended up beingokay.
But I definitely was like, ohman, I need to remember that my
story is a little less matter offact, for someone who isn't me
(09:20):
and who hasn't lived with ittheir whole life, and that's
just something to learn who arethe people that can hold pieces
of your story?
Who are the people that canhold some of those things?
And then sometimes also, whenyou set a boundary that someone
isn't expecting, people that canhold pieces of your story who
are the people that can holdsome of those things?
And then sometimes also, whenyou set a boundary that someone
isn't expecting, they're like ohmy gosh, and they don't quite
know what to do.
That doesn't make them aterrible person.
It just means they didn'texpect it.
(09:41):
And anytime something happensthat we don't expect, we can say
you know what?
Yeah, that would probably justkind of mess me up a little bit
too.
Say you know what?
Yeah, that would probably justkind of mess me up a little bit
too.
When we start to really tell ourstory or start to really set a
preference or start to speak out, particularly if we become an
advocate about abuse or coercivecontrol, people are like whoa,
(10:02):
what's happening?
And that's because a lot oftimes, when victims start to do
the work in their own lives, thefirst thing they can say is
something's wrong and they can'tsay I'm being abused, or there
is coercive control.
Most folks don't usually startthere.
They just say something iswrong or I need to fix something
.
And that can be a really trickyspace because you're starting
(10:22):
to talk about something but youdon't quite have words.
And this is where it's reallyhelpful to just remember that
the body keeps the score.
And it can be hard when you'retrying to say something's wrong
but I don't know exactly whatthat is and you're talking to
someone who doesn't understand.
Maybe traumatic responses ordissociative amnesia, which is
where you don't remember stuffthat was traumatic and you're
(10:45):
trying to figure it out becauseyour body is starting to let you
know that something is going on.
So that can be a little bittricky and you might have folks
who misunderstand you.
In fact, even on a really goodday, no matter how well spoken
you are, there is always thepossibility for misunderstanding
.
Maybe what you thought wasgoing on in your head didn't
come out your lips quite well,or you're learning how to
(11:07):
articulate something, or theperson heard it through their
own filter and heard somethingelse that you did not say, and
that happens to lots of people.
We hear through our own filtersand sometimes that leads to
misunderstandings, which is whytalking things through can be
super helpful.
But those are some risky bits tobeginning to use your voice
Like it can change the landscapefor you.
(11:27):
Now, it's not always a badchange to the landscape.
There's some really goodchanges to landscape.
So I'm just going to pausereally quickly here and just let
you sit for one moment with thefact that there can be risk to
using your voice, and it's notalways a bad thing to take a
risk right.
You always want to look at yourrisk to benefit ratio.
(11:49):
Is it the appropriate time, theappropriate person?
How am I feeling as I do that?
And look, I have had folks saythings to me that sometimes were
true and sometimes were not,about the way that I used my
voice.
I have been told I'm assertive,that I am a strong person, and
those things are true.
I've been called aggressive andonce or twice that was true
(12:09):
because I was really heatedabout something.
I really disagreed withsomething that was going on.
I was aggressive in the waythat I came across Wasn't
exactly the most helpful thingto do, but it's where I was at
and I had to go repent for thatand say you know what?
I came across a little harsh.
That was not my intent, butthere's a lot going on and it
worked out.
The person forgave me, wefigured it out.
(12:30):
They were able to own some oftheir own things in that
conversation as well and it wasfine.
But that doesn't mean it alwaysis going to be smooth.
When we learn how to use ourvoice, it can be a whole thing
sometimes.
That shouldn't stop us.
First of all, there is aneurological and a body impact
to using our voice.
When we are speaking the truth,our body recognizes that.
It's one of the things I thinkis the most interesting in
(12:53):
watching and being part ofsomeone's healing journey
Watching them settle in and havetheir body go yes, this is what
happened.
When they are talking, or whenthey say this boundary, this is
my boundary, I am not going tocross this space, or hey, I
really would like it if you fillin the blank, whatever that is.
(13:13):
You know, I really like it ifyou would call me more often, or
like.
I'd really like it if you wouldgo hang out with me or could we
grab dinner or whatever, oreven in the bedroom.
I would really like it if youdid this or that, like those
things can be really, reallyempowering and really helpful.
And it tells our body like, hey, you can settle in here, it's a
(13:34):
really sweet place.
It also helps you speak clearly.
I always say clear is kind.
When we are not beating aroundthe bush, when we are not trying
to minimize or hedge our bets,we are much more clear.
We are not trying to minimizeor hedge our bets.
We are much more clear If I sayI would like to go to dinner at
7 pm.
It's unequivocal, right, wemight be able to talk about
(13:57):
where dinner might be or whathave you, but I'm being very
clear about a preference that Ihave, a desire that I have, and
the other person knows what I'masking for, instead of like,
well, I mean like we could dodinner sometime today or
whatever.
But whatever, right, I'm nottelling you what I really want
and so you don't know.
And then if you don't meet theneed or you can't meet my
(14:19):
preference because I didn't tellyou clearly what it was, I
might end up hurt.
So it actually ends up beingvery relationship connecting to
be able to say here is what Ineed, or here is what I don't
like, or hey, this is whathappened to me.
These are very clear statementsthat are helpful.
It also gives you power overyour story.
(14:41):
When you tell parts of yourstory and you are the one
telling them and not someonetelling them for you, you
actually are holding the powerin what gets known and what
isn't known and how it is stated.
That is really helpful.
I know that that can be veryscary, especially if the
receiver of that story does nothold it well, but that does not
(15:02):
negate the power of you using itand the power of you saying it
and the power of you using yourown voice to tell your story.
And I know that that feels, Idon't know, probably pretty
risky if you're on the beginningside of the using your voice
journey and I totally understandthat it can feel really scary.
But honestly, the more you doit, the easier it becomes in a
(15:23):
lot of ways.
I'm not going to say it'salways easy, sometimes it's not,
sometimes it's very challenging, but it gets easier as you do
it.
Also, it really helps youintegrate your faith.
So, as you are talking aboutright theology, correct doctrine
, disentangling, maybe thingsthat were misapplied, completely
(15:46):
misconstrued, outright heresy,sometimes then you are able to
go.
Wait a second.
I can go before the Lord myself.
I can talk to him myself.
I don't need help.
I don't need someone else to dothis for me.
I don't need someone to saydifferent things.
And also there's tons ofexamples in the Bible of people
speaking up Esther, david,deborah there's lots of folks
(16:08):
who said lots of things in theBible and were able to talk to
God for themselves.
Especially if you're coming outof a very spiritually abusive
situation where you're like I'mnot sure what I believe about
God, you might really need totalk out loud some of those
things.
One of my favorite things to dowith clients, when they are
ready for it, is to readscripture out loud, particularly
(16:31):
ones that got weaponized.
So we'll pick a particulartranslation that feels good to
the client and then we will readthings out loud together and
when we do that, it actuallyreclaimed the scripture that was
distorted for them and it helpstheir relationship with God
incredibly, because they're ableto re-engage with spiritual
practices that might have beenvery meaningful to them but got
(16:54):
lost along the way because ofthe harm that they incurred.
So all of this bears talkingabout how to use your voice in
the most appropriate ways and togive yourself the best safety
possible.
First of all, if you are stillin an abusive or destructive
situation, you want to becareful how you use your voice,
because you want to stay safe.
(17:14):
It may not be the time to sayall the things you want to say,
no matter how badly you want tosay them.
It may need to wait until youare in a safe proximity where
that person can't physically getyou, get to you or it's less
likely that they will that sortof thing to say some of the
things and he may decide youknow what.
They're not going to hear me.
Anyways, it's not worth it tosay it to them.
Maybe I'll say it in a journalto God and still have all the
(17:37):
same things come out, but alsoin a way that I'm going to stay
physically safe.
Not every story is somethingthat you should share.
So just because you can useyour voice doesn't mean you
always should use your voice.
There are going to be parts ofyour story that are sensitive,
that are maybe not for right now.
They are for later.
They might be for a particularcontext, like in therapy or a
(17:58):
support group or with a close,trusted friend.
They may not be what you tellthe bagger at the grocery store.
In fact, those really sensitiveones probably shouldn't be what
you tell the bagger at thegrocery store.
So you want to use discernmentabout who gets to have access to
stories about you, and you alsowant to use discernment just in
(18:18):
setting boundaries or stating apreference, things like that.
Sometimes it's worth doing, evenif you know it isn't going to
be successful, simply becauseit's worth doing and using your
voice.
And sometimes it's not worthdoing.
It might be better to justchange where you're at or to
discontinue your connection withthat community or to decide
(18:39):
maybe it's not the thing I needto work on.
And, truthfully, when we aresurvivors, we often are really
well aware of when things arenot going the way we had hoped
and dreamed in a situation or ina community, and that can lead
to a little bit of hyper in asituation or in a community and
that can lead to a little bit ofhypervigilance in that space.
And I would just encourage youto really look at is this a
(19:00):
battle I need to fight?
Is it really worth it?
Because sometimes, just becausesomething is a little bit off
and like I'm not talking aboutdestructive, I'm just talking
about imperfect right, thatmaybe that's not what I can
grant.
Maybe it's not really evenworth it If I don't like the
direction that we go when weserve communion, for example.
So let's say that your church isa.
(19:20):
You come up and you rip off apiece of bread and dip it in
whatever liquid they have wine,grape juice, whatever and then
you go back to your seat andthen take it and you just were
like, really prefer thedisposable communion cups.
That isn't wrong, it's just notyour preference.
And you might state like, hey,it'd be great if we did this.
And the pastor might be like,hey, this is what we do.
Or the elders like, hey, thisis what we do, it's not a bad
(19:42):
thing and it's not somethingthat you have to confront.
It is not necessarily the thingthat needs to be a deal breaker
in your community.
So I would just encourage you touse discernment.
Talk through it with atherapist, a small group, a
close friend if you need to,because not everything should be
confronted all the time.
You also want to think aboutthe veracity with which you
(20:06):
state something.
The intensity that you use isgoing to be appropriate to the
situation.
A lot of times when survivorscome out of something and they
are just starting to use theirvoice, it is at a level 10 all
the time.
Everything is intense and it'sbecause that's how it feels in
your body.
But learning to have thatdiscernment about is this a
level 10 or really a level 2?
(20:27):
Or does it feel like a level 10in my body because it's
triggering something else thatmaybe is a whole different
experience for me, and those arethings that we can learn to
parse out and look.
It's not going to be perfect,that's okay.
It's going to be a little messyfrom time to time, and that
happens.
But we do want to learn how tostart modulating our voice to
(20:49):
the appropriate level ofintensity and veracity that we
need in a given moment.
There are going to be times Iam much more strongly worded
than I am at other times.
If you have ever heard me talkabout how much I dislike
spiritual abuse or shenanigansin that space, I can get pretty
intense with it.
I'll be honest, because itmakes me very, very angry.
Now, if I am going into asituation with a level 10 that
(21:11):
should really be like a levelseven, because that's where
we're at then I'm going to missand I'm going to say things that
aren't helpful.
I have done that before and hadto repent, but you can learn
how to go.
Ok, this is level seven,definitely feeling like a level
10.
I need to do some work aroundme so that I can be a level
seven.
(21:35):
Or if you're like a level twoand it should be a level seven,
and you're like I am way toochill for this situation, like I
need to have a little moreintensity here, you probably
want to check in and askyourself why.
Maybe you're going into a bitof a freeze state because
something in you has beenactivated from your trauma
history, and that's not a badthing.
It's just self-awareness.
We cannot shift what we do notknow.
(21:56):
So when we are looking at thesethings and going, wait, where
am I really?
That is one way to figure thatstuff out for ourselves.
You can always start using yourvoice in safer contexts.
So, as you are developing andgrowing friendships that are
safer and positive, you canalways practice.
(22:17):
I don't want to eat tacostonight, thank you for asking.
Or I really would prefer to eatturkey over him, or I just
don't want to go to this part oftown.
There's a lot of memories there.
It makes me feel uncomfortable.
Could we go somewhere else?
Those are little boundarysetting things and if you're
doing that with someone whocares for you deeply, they're
(22:38):
going to honor that and it's away to begin practicing almost
the voice muscle, if you will,because it does take practice to
be able to do this.
Now, practice, not perfection.
So again, we're going to havemessy moments, no matter how
skilled you are, but we canstart practicing it in little
spaces so that when we have thebigger spaces, we just have a
(23:00):
little bit of practice happening.
Knowing that silence wassurvival but it doesn't have to
be now is really helpful as well.
You're being given anopportunity to invite yourself
into a different place and againyou're going to learn more
about when, how, all of thosethings just over time and as you
heal and a therapist can helpyou walk through.
(23:23):
Is this the right time to usemy voice?
Is this the right intensity formy voice?
And they'll help you figurethose things out.
And again, it's okay to takeyour time.
You do not have to go intopublic speaking to use your
voice.
It can be just in your regularlife.
Only some of us do the publicspeaking thing, and that's okay.
But you do want to be able tostate preferences, needs,
(23:44):
boundaries, likes, dislikes, allthe things in your personal
life and you do want to be ableto tell the parts of your story
that are appropriate in anygiven situation, and those parts
can change over time.
What's okay for today mightincrease tomorrow or the next
day and all of that is great orit might even decrease, you
never know.
So I hope that is helpful.
(24:08):
I think that we talk a lot aboutall of the good things about
using your voice and there areso many but we also do need to
talk about those risks, becausethere is risk inherent in doing
anything new, and it's not a badthing to consider risk.
Jesus talks about counting thecost, and so it's a good idea.
Now, don't walk in fear.
That is not where you need tobe, but it is good to think
(24:31):
about.
Is this the right time?
Is it the right intensity?
If I do this, am I okay withlosing the folks that may walk
away?
And sometimes the answer is Idon't like that, but it's still
okay if it happens.
I want to thank you for spendingthis time with me and listening
.
If you have any questions,please feel free to reach out.
Any resources that I talk aboutwill be listed in the show
(24:53):
notes, and I hope that you haveany questions, please feel free
to reach out.
Any resources that I talk aboutwill be listed in the show
notes, and I hope that you havea great day and I will see you
here again next time.
Thanks for joining me fortoday's episode of hey Tabby.
If you're looking for aresource that I mentioned in the
show and you want to check outthe show notes, head on over to
tabithawestbrookcom forwardslash hey Tabby.
That's H-E-Y-T-A-B-I and youcan grab it there.
(25:16):
I look forward to seeing younext time.
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