February 21, 2025 • 17 mins
Celebrating milestones and bonding with loved ones brings a deeper understanding of acceptance in parenting a child with autism. Through personal stories, James Guttman explores the significance of appreciating individuality and evolving perceptions about disabilities, focusing on love and growth as his non-verbal son prepares to turn 14.
• Reflections on eight years of blogging about autism parenting
• Celebrating upcoming 14th birthday and family milestones
• Shifts in understanding and bonding across different developmental stages
• The importance of reframing perspectives on autism and acceptance
• Insights on shared joy and the value of individuality in children
• Addressing misconceptions about autism parenting and societal expectations
• Future hopes and upcoming projects related to experiences shared in the podcast
It's Here! Get the book – “Hi World, I’m Dad: How Fathers Can Journey to Autism Awareness, Acceptance, and Appreciation” on audio, digital, or print.
Follow Us On Facebook and YouTube. Follow James Guttman on Instagram.
Also, be sure to read the blog that started it all - Hi Blog! I'm Dad.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
James Guttman (00:00):
I want apple juice.
Lucas wants apple juice.
I know I heard him say that.
Can I have apple juice?
Yeah, you can have apple juice.
Can I have soda?
Yes, you can have soda.
Can I press that button?
No, you can't press that button.
Why?
Because that's going to playthe theme song.
I'm not ready to start the pot.
(00:30):
Hi Pod, I am Dad.
He's not just Hi Dad, he's mydad.
James Gutman, folks, it'sGutman, it's Hi Pod, i'm dad.
Welcome back to another editionof the podcast.
It is nearing the end offebruary.
(00:50):
It is february the 21st ifyou're listening to this, the
day it goes Hi PodImDad.
com every friday .
All the podcasts.
Maybe you found me on spotifyor any of the streaming services
as well.
We are everywhere, so I thankyou for taking the time to check
it out.
It is the final countdown untilmy son turns 14, which is
(01:13):
happening next month and isinsane.
And, as you guys know, I've beenwriting about Lucas for, at
this point now, god, sinceFebruary of 2017.
So, as I said before, at thispoint now, god, since February
of 2017.
So, as I said before, we justpassed the eight-year
anniversary of HiBlogImDad.
com.
It's writing about my boy andkind of his journey with autism,
(01:35):
and I got to be honest with youguys.
A lot of the terminologysometimes that we use does
sometimes it feels a littlecringy to say it Like I don't
know if it's necessarily ajourney with autism.
I mean it is in some ways, andthat's one of the beautiful
things about getting to writeabout it is that it's a journey
in the sense that you learnthings as you go and you evolve.
(01:56):
Your thinking changes, the wayyou approach things changes and
it takes certain steps to makethat happen.
And this past week onHiBlogImDad.
com plug, I wrote about that inone aspect.
The one I wrote about on Mondaywas about driving.
Right, so my daughter is readyto drive, which is nuts.
(02:19):
It's absolutely crazy.
She's my baby.
I don't know how they letbabies drive, but they let them
do it.
I don't, it's like, think she'sgoing to drive.
I remember having to strap hercar seat in before they would
let me drive away from thehospital and now she drives me
to the store.
It's weird, but doing this oneof the things that really got me
was I started thinking about myson's birthday and I realized
(02:40):
like, oh, if he was neurotypicalor if he was verbal.
I would be probably having himstep on the gas at this point
and getting things ready, and itwas one of those moments.
That shows me about the journey, as I said before, and how
things change right.
When Lucas was little, whenLucas was two or three and the
(03:01):
other kids were doing thingsaround his age that he wasn't
doing, it used to kill me.
You know.
You would think about it.
Why isn't my kid telling me aknock-knock joke?
Why isn't my kid singing thesongs with the other kids?
And you wonder about it and youthink about it and you go
through it.
But now, as a teenager, Irarely think about what other
kids are doing versus what he'sdoing, because that's just not
(03:24):
who he is.
You know, I've had time throughthe years to adjust my thinking
as to what he should be doing,what's appropriate for him, what
he's capable of, and it's notso much about what he's not
doing, it's just about who he isas a person.
I wrote a blog a long time ago.
It's called If I had an AutismMagic Wand, and I don't really
plug a lot of the old ones, butto this day it remains one of my
(03:46):
favorite ones, becausesometimes I'll write about Lucas
and realize that I thinksomething as I'm writing it,
something that I hadn't reallyput together yet, and I had
written about how there wouldhave been a time where, if I
could wave a magic wand and notlet my son be nonverbal or have
(04:06):
autism, I would have done itwhen he was little.
You know, I used to beg God,you know, please help my boy.
But then as my boy grew and Irealized that you know what it
would be easier for him if hehad words.
It would be easier for him ifhe was neurotypical.
But this is who he is, him ifhe had words.
It would be easier for him ifhe was neurotypical.
(04:27):
But this is who he is and, byand large, it's not the end of
the world.
This is his personality.
It's who he is and there's goodpoints to it and there's
negatives to it.
There's different parts to it,as any type of personality
exists.
But you stop focusing on whatyour child's not doing and you
think about who they are.
And I realized that if I wavedthis magic wand right, if
somebody came to me and it waslike, hey, wave this wand, your
(04:48):
son won't have autism, he'll beverbal In that moment I would
have a completely different kidand I don't want a completely
different kid.
I love my kid.
I love this personality that hehas, right and selfishly.
I probably wouldn't necessarilywave it.
Now there is an add-on becausesome of the comments and if you
(05:09):
go, one of the things you'lllearn if you've ever written
content for the internet is thatwhen you post it online, people
read what you wrote In the postand sometimes they don't read
the article itself.
So people will read theheadline and have a comment I've
told stories about, especiallyin the wrestling days.
I would write articles andarticles and someone would read
the headline and guess at whatit meant.
(05:30):
I'll never forget.
I veer you off topic real quick, but this is one of my
favorites to give you an idea ofhow deeply people read content
online.
In 2000, I don't know two, threeShawn Michaels had come back to
the WWE.
Shawn Michaels was a wrestlerfrom years gone by and he used
to play this character where hewas arrogant and he was kind of
(05:53):
like this ladies' man gimmickand when he came back he was now
older, humble, just a differentkind of person.
So I wrote an article comparinghim to when Archie Bunker went
from All in the Family to ArchieBunker's Place and the point
was that the shows weredifferent because it wasn't
(06:14):
really Archie Bunker anymore.
It was a different version ofhim and it kind of rubs people
differently.
It's not, he's too evolved.
It wasn't who we wanted and whowe expected.
So the article was about howthat happened with Shawn
Michaels, how he became adifferent character, and I
called it Shawn Michaels asArchie Bunker I think that was
the name of the article, right.
And somebody responded and thisis on.
(06:36):
I don't remember if it wassocial media it might have even
been before social media or ifit was just on the website or an
email.
I forgot what it was.
But I got a message fromsomebody going on and on about
how awful it was that I wrotethis article and how Shawn
Michaels is a good person andjust because he's from Texas
doesn't make him a racist.
How could you write about howhe's a racist from Texas?
He's not racist, he's a goodman.
And I'm like what the hell?
(06:58):
And it wasn't until I got tothe end of the thing that I
realized that this person justread that I said Shawn Michaels
as Archie Bunker and decidedthat's what the article was
about and responded.
And because of that and becauseI've been doing this for so long
at this point, I've learnedthat you have to kind of be a
little clearer in yourexplanations.
And when I wrote that AutismMagic Wand article I did I had a
(07:22):
dad who went on there and waslike, if I could take away my
son's autism tomorrow, I'll doit 100%, right away.
And I'm thinking to myself likeyou really have to read it
Because it's I'm not, I'm notkidding myself, and that's one
of the issues that sometimescomes up with the autism
(07:42):
appreciation posts and mypositive outlook on autism
parenting.
Um, in no way, shape or form amI saying that I want my son to
have limitations in his life.
I don't want my son to not beable to speak words.
I don't want my son to not beable to, you know, tie his.
Don't want my son to not beable to, you know, tie his own
(08:03):
shoe, which I use that as myexample anytime.
Anybody needs to understand whatyou mean by life skills and
things like that.
There's things that he can't do.
I want him to do all thosethings, but I want him to learn
how to do those things.
I would want him to naturallyprogress, but I would never just
put a big sweeping change oneverything and just make him a
(08:23):
different person.
And that's first of all, thewhole point is moot, because no
one's going to hand you a magicwand, right?
That doesn't happen.
Magic wands don't exist.
So the whole idea was just toreally just explain that over
time you start to realize, hey,this is who my kid is.
And you go from those earlydays of begging like if only he
was different, if only thiswould be different.
I don't want him to bedifferent, I want him to learn,
(08:44):
I want him to change.
And that mindset changes how youview everything.
And that's what happened withhim driving.
I had never even thought abouthim driving.
It didn't cause me aches andpains and upset me and oh, he'll
never drive.
I don't really.
I have to genuinely think aboutthat in order to realize that
(09:06):
it's even happening.
It's not like the old dayswhere it's like he's not playing
baseball, I don't.
I guess he's not driving, allright, cool.
But even that, dude, I hadpeople.
You know they'll respond andthey'll be like driving isn't
important, it's who you are andit's like all.
All right, you didn't read thearticle.
I'm with you, I'm totally okaywith it.
Um, so that's what I read abouton monday this whole idea of
the mindset changing.
(09:26):
But one of the ways that mymindset did change and I wrote
about it on wednesday and it's atopic that I've discussed
before and I put out there and Iyou know, and some of these
things, we have topics thatrepeat through the years, but I
try to find different spins onit or sometimes, sometimes I
just want to reinforce what I'msaying.
But the most important thing Iever did was realize that
bonding with my son and gettingto that point where I'm not
(09:50):
praying for him to be differentand I'm not hoping for him to
change is by understanding whohe is.
And the most important thing,it's a piece of advice I don't
give anybody out there.
If you're a special needsparent, if you're learning these
things, when Lucas was little,I used to go out of my way to
try to help him understand howto play with toys, right.
So if the kid's flipping a bookor if he's like staring right
(10:14):
into a light, you come on.
No, but it's not how you playwith that.
You do this, you do that, butas they get older that becomes
what they do, and my son's thesame way and I don't want to
correct him.
I don't correct his playing.
I don't try Every once in awhile.
If I think he doesn't know howit works, I'll show him.
But I'll never stop him fromhaving fun to show him the quote
unquote right way to have fun.
I think that's something thatyou put away after the first few
(10:38):
months of dealing with things.
But the most important part,even beyond that, is
understanding what he's doing.
I want to know what he's doing.
When he was little he would dothat glare thing and I've
written about it.
I don't know if people reallyget it, but Lucas would walk by
a window or a mirror and all ofa sudden he would start walking
I don't know sideways.
It's hard to explain.
(10:58):
He would go forward, he wouldtilt his head and stare at
something in the mirror and hewould just walk slowly staring
and then hop and clap and screamwith excitement and I couldn't
figure it out until I realizedhe's looking at the glare.
He's looking at glares andwindows, glares and mirrors.
He enjoys it and I got it.
(11:19):
I understood that and I do thesame thing with his videos when
he pauses and unpauses thesevideos, which seems random and
it seems like, oh, he just likeschaos.
And he doesn't just like chaos.
My son likes certain things.
So if there's a sound in aSesame Street video, someone
makes a noise or there's a noteor a tune, he pauses and
unpauses it so he can see thatnote and hear that.
(11:39):
I can't tell you how much heappreciates it, which is insane,
right.
That's the kind of thing that,especially when he was little
and I didn't think he was reallynoticing that we were there or
paying attention to what we weredoing, I never would have
thought he would care.
(11:59):
But then to come over and watchhim hey, what are you doing,
buddy?
You watching that video and Iwatch it with him and then when
he pauses and unpauses it andthe note comes on or whatever
happens, whatever, he's pausingand unpausing on the video for
that moment and he gets excitedand he claps and he cheers.
If I do that with him or insome cases, what I'll do is I'll
(12:21):
do it almost even before him.
So I'll watch it with him andjust as he presses the button
it's about to go on I cheerfirst.
I'm not copying him, I'm notjust and I gotta tell you, man,
my son appreciates it First timeit ever happened.
I talked a million times aboutthe car under the red chair that
(12:41):
we had in the living room,where he would put this little
toy car under the red chair andslowly pull it out by the string
, staring at the mirror as hedid to see if it popped out.
And I came over and I asked ifI could do it too.
I came over, I go hey, I do,and I pat my chest and I took
the string and I did it and Icheered and I got excited and my
(13:04):
son smiled at me and he gave methe biggest hug ever and I
swear to this day, man, evenjust remembering it, it was sort
of pivotal moment in my life.
I remember everything about it.
It's one of those such abizarre thing, the things that
just stick with us beat by beat.
I remember that whole thing andit's changed my relationship
with Lucas today.
We still do this today.
He still knows to come to me.
He still knows that I get itand I understand we joke about
it and we laugh about it.
(13:25):
I did one I wrote about this too, about a year ago or so so,
where he was watching a videoand it was Twinkle, twinkle
Little Star.
It was a nursery rhyme songthat everybody knows and what
happened was he kept pausing itright before they would get to
the big crescendo of the chorusand he would pause it.
(13:47):
And he would pause it and I'mlike no, buddy, no, and we were
joking about him.
I'm taking his finger.
I'm like no, play it.
Oh, I love this song.
I love this song.
I'm taking his hand away andI'm like, ah, and I'm like
twinkle, twinkle, little star,and I'm pushing his hand away
and I'm like, ah, and I'mbuilding up to him, like that.
(14:07):
And he looked at me and he letout a smirk and he went.
I still remember because hedoesn't do that.
Lucas is not one for kind oflike you know, subtle humor, and
I thought it was one of thefunniest things, and it's
moments like that that made merealize I've found the places to
bond with my son and if itsounds like I'm kind of blown
(14:29):
away and amazed by it, it'sbecause I really thought that
there was never going to be away to do that.
None, when Lucas was two, threeyears old, he wouldn't even
notice if he walked into theroom.
I had people mention it to me.
I wrote about the horriblespeech therapist that he had
that told us to throw away histoys, but she was one of the
first ones that really kind ofturned that knife in our side.
She would say things that werejust like painful for a parent
(14:52):
to hear and it wasn't untilyears later that I realized, oh,
you don't have to deal withthat.
At the time I'm like, oh, thismust be with autism.
Parenting it's not.
It's.
People are jerks.
And I remember I came into thehouse and he was playing in the
living room and she goes oh, hedidn't even look up when you
came in, he didn't even look atyou.
Huh, did you notice that?
Does he do that?
He doesn't even care.
He doesn't even care.
I'm like all right, lady, I getit.
My kid does not look up for me.
(15:13):
He doesn't seem to care if I'min the room.
He doesn't care if I leave.
He doesn't want to show meanything, he doesn't want to
play with me and he killed meand I made it my mission.
I said I'm not going to let thisor wants to do other things.
I'm going to have a goodrelationship with Lucas, and
because of that I've worked sohard to this day, as my boy is
(15:37):
about to turn 14 and be able toknow that I gave him all of my
love and I gave him all of myattention and I did everything I
could.
I've never written him off,I've never kind of pushed him to
the side.
I want to understand him, notjust simply accept him or be
aware of him.
I want to appreciate him, andthat's what we do here.
So thank you, guys, for givingme the opportunity and the
(15:58):
outlet to do that.
Thank you for reading what Iwrite.
Thank you for putting it allout there.
I am so excited about so muchcoming up.
As you guys know, the book it'scoming soon.
I probably could.
I mean I'm going to talk tothem.
Maybe the next week or twowe'll start really giving you
guys some details on this thing,because it's going to be a big
(16:19):
year and I'm very excited toshare the stories about Lucas
and about my life and about myfamily and in my book and on the
blog and here on the podcast.
I couldn't do any of thiswithout you and it means the
world to me.
So thank you so much for yoursupport.
Thank you so much for listening.
Thank you for following theblog HiBlogImDad.
com, the podcast HiPodImDad.
com.
(16:41):
Follow me on social media.
Hi, james Gutman, that's H-I.
Hi, james Gutman.
I'm on Instagram, I'm on BlueSky, I'm on Facebook.
We got highblog bloggerseverywhere, so please follow
along, stick around.
Thank you for your support.
Until next Friday.
Be well, bye, bye.
Thank you.
I want apple juice.
Lucas wants apple juice.
I know I heard him say that.
Can I have apple juice?
Yeah, you can have apple juice.
Can I have soda?
Yes, you can have soda.
Can I press that button?
No, you can't press that button.
Why?
Because that's going to playthe theme song.
I'm not ready to start the pot.
(00:30):
Hi Pod, I am Dad.
He's not just Hi Dad, he's mydad.
James Gutman, folks, it'sGutman, it's Hi Pod, i'm dad.
Welcome back to another editionof the podcast.
It is nearing the end offebruary.
(00:50):
It is february the 21st ifyou're listening to this, the
day it goes Hi PodImDad.
com every friday .
All the podcasts.
Maybe you found me on spotifyor any of the streaming services
as well.
We are everywhere, so I thankyou for taking the time to check
it out.
It is the final countdown untilmy son turns 14, which is
(01:13):
happening next month and isinsane.
And, as you guys know, I've beenwriting about Lucas for, at
this point now, god, sinceFebruary of 2017.
So, as I said before, at thispoint now, god, since February
of 2017.
So, as I said before, we justpassed the eight-year
anniversary of HiBlogImDad.
com.
It's writing about my boy andkind of his journey with autism,
(01:35):
and I got to be honest with youguys.
A lot of the terminologysometimes that we use does
sometimes it feels a littlecringy to say it Like I don't
know if it's necessarily ajourney with autism.
I mean it is in some ways, andthat's one of the beautiful
things about getting to writeabout it is that it's a journey
in the sense that you learnthings as you go and you evolve.
(01:56):
Your thinking changes, the wayyou approach things changes and
it takes certain steps to makethat happen.
And this past week onHiBlogImDad.
com plug, I wrote about that inone aspect.
The one I wrote about on Mondaywas about driving.
Right, so my daughter is readyto drive, which is nuts.
(02:19):
It's absolutely crazy.
She's my baby.
I don't know how they letbabies drive, but they let them
do it.
I don't, it's like, think she'sgoing to drive.
I remember having to strap hercar seat in before they would
let me drive away from thehospital and now she drives me
to the store.
It's weird, but doing this oneof the things that really got me
was I started thinking about myson's birthday and I realized
(02:40):
like, oh, if he was neurotypicalor if he was verbal.
I would be probably having himstep on the gas at this point
and getting things ready, and itwas one of those moments.
That shows me about the journey, as I said before, and how
things change right.
When Lucas was little, whenLucas was two or three and the
(03:01):
other kids were doing thingsaround his age that he wasn't
doing, it used to kill me.
You know.
You would think about it.
Why isn't my kid telling me aknock-knock joke?
Why isn't my kid singing thesongs with the other kids?
And you wonder about it and youthink about it and you go
through it.
But now, as a teenager, Irarely think about what other
kids are doing versus what he'sdoing, because that's just not
(03:24):
who he is.
You know, I've had time throughthe years to adjust my thinking
as to what he should be doing,what's appropriate for him, what
he's capable of, and it's notso much about what he's not
doing, it's just about who he isas a person.
I wrote a blog a long time ago.
It's called If I had an AutismMagic Wand, and I don't really
plug a lot of the old ones, butto this day it remains one of my
(03:46):
favorite ones, becausesometimes I'll write about Lucas
and realize that I thinksomething as I'm writing it,
something that I hadn't reallyput together yet, and I had
written about how there wouldhave been a time where, if I
could wave a magic wand and notlet my son be nonverbal or have
(04:06):
autism, I would have done itwhen he was little.
You know, I used to beg God,you know, please help my boy.
But then as my boy grew and Irealized that you know what it
would be easier for him if hehad words.
It would be easier for him ifhe was neurotypical.
But this is who he is, him ifhe had words.
It would be easier for him ifhe was neurotypical.
(04:27):
But this is who he is and, byand large, it's not the end of
the world.
This is his personality.
It's who he is and there's goodpoints to it and there's
negatives to it.
There's different parts to it,as any type of personality
exists.
But you stop focusing on whatyour child's not doing and you
think about who they are.
And I realized that if I wavedthis magic wand right, if
somebody came to me and it waslike, hey, wave this wand, your
(04:48):
son won't have autism, he'll beverbal In that moment I would
have a completely different kidand I don't want a completely
different kid.
I love my kid.
I love this personality that hehas, right and selfishly.
I probably wouldn't necessarilywave it.
Now there is an add-on becausesome of the comments and if you
(05:09):
go, one of the things you'lllearn if you've ever written
content for the internet is thatwhen you post it online, people
read what you wrote In the postand sometimes they don't read
the article itself.
So people will read theheadline and have a comment I've
told stories about, especiallyin the wrestling days.
I would write articles andarticles and someone would read
the headline and guess at whatit meant.
(05:30):
I'll never forget.
I veer you off topic real quick, but this is one of my
favorites to give you an idea ofhow deeply people read content
online.
In 2000, I don't know two, threeShawn Michaels had come back to
the WWE.
Shawn Michaels was a wrestlerfrom years gone by and he used
to play this character where hewas arrogant and he was kind of
(05:53):
like this ladies' man gimmickand when he came back he was now
older, humble, just a differentkind of person.
So I wrote an article comparinghim to when Archie Bunker went
from All in the Family to ArchieBunker's Place and the point
was that the shows weredifferent because it wasn't
(06:14):
really Archie Bunker anymore.
It was a different version ofhim and it kind of rubs people
differently.
It's not, he's too evolved.
It wasn't who we wanted and whowe expected.
So the article was about howthat happened with Shawn
Michaels, how he became adifferent character, and I
called it Shawn Michaels asArchie Bunker I think that was
the name of the article, right.
And somebody responded and thisis on.
(06:36):
I don't remember if it wassocial media it might have even
been before social media or ifit was just on the website or an
email.
I forgot what it was.
But I got a message fromsomebody going on and on about
how awful it was that I wrotethis article and how Shawn
Michaels is a good person andjust because he's from Texas
doesn't make him a racist.
How could you write about howhe's a racist from Texas?
He's not racist, he's a goodman.
And I'm like what the hell?
(06:58):
And it wasn't until I got tothe end of the thing that I
realized that this person justread that I said Shawn Michaels
as Archie Bunker and decidedthat's what the article was
about and responded.
And because of that and becauseI've been doing this for so long
at this point, I've learnedthat you have to kind of be a
little clearer in yourexplanations.
And when I wrote that AutismMagic Wand article I did I had a
(07:22):
dad who went on there and waslike, if I could take away my
son's autism tomorrow, I'll doit 100%, right away.
And I'm thinking to myself likeyou really have to read it
Because it's I'm not, I'm notkidding myself, and that's one
of the issues that sometimescomes up with the autism
(07:42):
appreciation posts and mypositive outlook on autism
parenting.
Um, in no way, shape or form amI saying that I want my son to
have limitations in his life.
I don't want my son to not beable to speak words.
I don't want my son to not beable to, you know, tie his.
Don't want my son to not beable to, you know, tie his own
(08:03):
shoe, which I use that as myexample anytime.
Anybody needs to understand whatyou mean by life skills and
things like that.
There's things that he can't do.
I want him to do all thosethings, but I want him to learn
how to do those things.
I would want him to naturallyprogress, but I would never just
put a big sweeping change oneverything and just make him a
(08:23):
different person.
And that's first of all, thewhole point is moot, because no
one's going to hand you a magicwand, right?
That doesn't happen.
Magic wands don't exist.
So the whole idea was just toreally just explain that over
time you start to realize, hey,this is who my kid is.
And you go from those earlydays of begging like if only he
was different, if only thiswould be different.
I don't want him to bedifferent, I want him to learn,
(08:44):
I want him to change.
And that mindset changes how youview everything.
And that's what happened withhim driving.
I had never even thought abouthim driving.
It didn't cause me aches andpains and upset me and oh, he'll
never drive.
I don't really.
I have to genuinely think aboutthat in order to realize that
(09:06):
it's even happening.
It's not like the old dayswhere it's like he's not playing
baseball, I don't.
I guess he's not driving, allright, cool.
But even that, dude, I hadpeople.
You know they'll respond andthey'll be like driving isn't
important, it's who you are andit's like all.
All right, you didn't read thearticle.
I'm with you, I'm totally okaywith it.
Um, so that's what I read abouton monday this whole idea of
the mindset changing.
(09:26):
But one of the ways that mymindset did change and I wrote
about it on wednesday and it's atopic that I've discussed
before and I put out there and Iyou know, and some of these
things, we have topics thatrepeat through the years, but I
try to find different spins onit or sometimes, sometimes I
just want to reinforce what I'msaying.
But the most important thing Iever did was realize that
bonding with my son and gettingto that point where I'm not
(09:50):
praying for him to be differentand I'm not hoping for him to
change is by understanding whohe is.
And the most important thing,it's a piece of advice I don't
give anybody out there.
If you're a special needsparent, if you're learning these
things, when Lucas was little,I used to go out of my way to
try to help him understand howto play with toys, right.
So if the kid's flipping a bookor if he's like staring right
(10:14):
into a light, you come on.
No, but it's not how you playwith that.
You do this, you do that, butas they get older that becomes
what they do, and my son's thesame way and I don't want to
correct him.
I don't correct his playing.
I don't try Every once in awhile.
If I think he doesn't know howit works, I'll show him.
But I'll never stop him fromhaving fun to show him the quote
unquote right way to have fun.
I think that's something thatyou put away after the first few
(10:38):
months of dealing with things.
But the most important part,even beyond that, is
understanding what he's doing.
I want to know what he's doing.
When he was little he would dothat glare thing and I've
written about it.
I don't know if people reallyget it, but Lucas would walk by
a window or a mirror and all ofa sudden he would start walking
I don't know sideways.
It's hard to explain.
(10:58):
He would go forward, he wouldtilt his head and stare at
something in the mirror and hewould just walk slowly staring
and then hop and clap and screamwith excitement and I couldn't
figure it out until I realizedhe's looking at the glare.
He's looking at glares andwindows, glares and mirrors.
He enjoys it and I got it.
(11:19):
I understood that and I do thesame thing with his videos when
he pauses and unpauses thesevideos, which seems random and
it seems like, oh, he just likeschaos.
And he doesn't just like chaos.
My son likes certain things.
So if there's a sound in aSesame Street video, someone
makes a noise or there's a noteor a tune, he pauses and
unpauses it so he can see thatnote and hear that.
(11:39):
I can't tell you how much heappreciates it, which is insane,
right.
That's the kind of thing that,especially when he was little
and I didn't think he was reallynoticing that we were there or
paying attention to what we weredoing, I never would have
thought he would care.
(11:59):
But then to come over and watchhim hey, what are you doing,
buddy?
You watching that video and Iwatch it with him and then when
he pauses and unpauses it andthe note comes on or whatever
happens, whatever, he's pausingand unpausing on the video for
that moment and he gets excitedand he claps and he cheers.
If I do that with him or insome cases, what I'll do is I'll
(12:21):
do it almost even before him.
So I'll watch it with him andjust as he presses the button
it's about to go on I cheerfirst.
I'm not copying him, I'm notjust and I gotta tell you, man,
my son appreciates it First timeit ever happened.
I talked a million times aboutthe car under the red chair that
(12:41):
we had in the living room,where he would put this little
toy car under the red chair andslowly pull it out by the string
, staring at the mirror as hedid to see if it popped out.
And I came over and I asked ifI could do it too.
I came over, I go hey, I do,and I pat my chest and I took
the string and I did it and Icheered and I got excited and my
(13:04):
son smiled at me and he gave methe biggest hug ever and I
swear to this day, man, evenjust remembering it, it was sort
of pivotal moment in my life.
I remember everything about it.
It's one of those such abizarre thing, the things that
just stick with us beat by beat.
I remember that whole thing andit's changed my relationship
with Lucas today.
We still do this today.
He still knows to come to me.
He still knows that I get itand I understand we joke about
it and we laugh about it.
(13:25):
I did one I wrote about this too, about a year ago or so so,
where he was watching a videoand it was Twinkle, twinkle
Little Star.
It was a nursery rhyme songthat everybody knows and what
happened was he kept pausing itright before they would get to
the big crescendo of the chorusand he would pause it.
(13:47):
And he would pause it and I'mlike no, buddy, no, and we were
joking about him.
I'm taking his finger.
I'm like no, play it.
Oh, I love this song.
I love this song.
I'm taking his hand away andI'm like, ah, and I'm like
twinkle, twinkle, little star,and I'm pushing his hand away
and I'm like, ah, and I'mbuilding up to him, like that.
(14:07):
And he looked at me and he letout a smirk and he went.
I still remember because hedoesn't do that.
Lucas is not one for kind oflike you know, subtle humor, and
I thought it was one of thefunniest things, and it's
moments like that that made merealize I've found the places to
bond with my son and if itsounds like I'm kind of blown
(14:29):
away and amazed by it, it'sbecause I really thought that
there was never going to be away to do that.
None, when Lucas was two, threeyears old, he wouldn't even
notice if he walked into theroom.
I had people mention it to me.
I wrote about the horriblespeech therapist that he had
that told us to throw away histoys, but she was one of the
first ones that really kind ofturned that knife in our side.
She would say things that werejust like painful for a parent
(14:52):
to hear and it wasn't untilyears later that I realized, oh,
you don't have to deal withthat.
At the time I'm like, oh, thismust be with autism.
Parenting it's not.
It's.
People are jerks.
And I remember I came into thehouse and he was playing in the
living room and she goes oh, hedidn't even look up when you
came in, he didn't even look atyou.
Huh, did you notice that?
Does he do that?
He doesn't even care.
He doesn't even care.
I'm like all right, lady, I getit.
My kid does not look up for me.
(15:13):
He doesn't seem to care if I'min the room.
He doesn't care if I leave.
He doesn't want to show meanything, he doesn't want to
play with me and he killed meand I made it my mission.
I said I'm not going to let thisor wants to do other things.
I'm going to have a goodrelationship with Lucas, and
because of that I've worked sohard to this day, as my boy is
(15:37):
about to turn 14 and be able toknow that I gave him all of my
love and I gave him all of myattention and I did everything I
could.
I've never written him off,I've never kind of pushed him to
the side.
I want to understand him, notjust simply accept him or be
aware of him.
I want to appreciate him, andthat's what we do here.
So thank you, guys, for givingme the opportunity and the
(15:58):
outlet to do that.
Thank you for reading what Iwrite.
Thank you for putting it allout there.
I am so excited about so muchcoming up.
As you guys know, the book it'scoming soon.
I probably could.
I mean I'm going to talk tothem.
Maybe the next week or twowe'll start really giving you
guys some details on this thing,because it's going to be a big
(16:19):
year and I'm very excited toshare the stories about Lucas
and about my life and about myfamily and in my book and on the
blog and here on the podcast.
I couldn't do any of thiswithout you and it means the
world to me.
So thank you so much for yoursupport.
Thank you so much for listening.
Thank you for following theblog HiBlogImDad.
com, the podcast HiPodImDad.
com.
(16:41):
Follow me on social media.
Hi, james Gutman, that's H-I.
Hi, james Gutman.
I'm on Instagram, I'm on BlueSky, I'm on Facebook.
We got highblog bloggerseverywhere, so please follow
along, stick around.
Thank you for your support.
Until next Friday.
Be well, bye, bye.
Thank you.
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