June 6, 2025 • 26 mins
James Gutman shares his journey of learning to truly see and appreciate his nonverbal son Lucas, transforming what many would consider a challenging situation into a source of profound joy and personal growth. This deeply personal episode explores how a heart surgery became the catalyst for shifting from constant worry about what he wasn't doing for his son to genuine appreciation for who his son actually is.
• The contrast between raising a neurotypical daughter who hit all developmental milestones early and a son with autism who missed them
• How people often take credit for their children's successes but blame themselves for developmental delays
• The transformative impact of heart surgery and facing mortality on James's perspective about what truly matters
• Moving from autism awareness to acceptance to appreciation
• Learning to understand Lucas on his own terms rather than trying to change him
• How Lucas embodies the qualities most parents want in their children—authenticity, joy, and living in the moment
• The beautiful relationship between Lucas and his sister Olivia
• Finding positivity in life's challenges by learning from them
• The upcoming book "Hi World, I'm Dad: How Fathers Can Journey from Autism Awareness to Acceptance to Appreciation"
Pre-order my book "Hi World, I'm Dad" available June 19th everywhere books are sold—in print, digital, and as an audiobook narrated by James himself
It's Here! Get the book – “Hi World, I’m Dad: How Fathers Can Journey to Autism Awareness, Acceptance, and Appreciation” on audio, digital, or print.
Follow Us On Facebook and YouTube. Follow James Guttman on Instagram.
Also, be sure to read the blog that started it all - Hi Blog! I'm Dad.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
James Guttman (00:14):
hi pod, I am dad.
He's not just hi dad, he's mydad.
James gutman, just hi dad, he'smy dad.
James gutman folks, jamesgutman, hi pot, I'm dad.
Welcome back to another editionof the podcast.
(00:35):
Happy friday, it's friday.
Happy june, it is june.
Uh, thank you for joining ushere on hypod.
I'm dadcom.
On any of the streamingservices.
I appreciate it, thank you.
Maybe you found me through highblog I'm dadcom.
Every Monday, every Wednesday,new blogs writing about
parenting, writing about mychildren, writing about my son
who is nonverbal.
(00:55):
He has autism.
He's 14 years old and I writeabout something called autism
appreciation, if you haven'theard about it.
That's the whole point ofeverything that I write about,
and that's the whole point ofeverything that I write about
and that's the whole point ofthe book coming out, all these
different things happening and,yeah, in as of today, in less
than two weeks, high World I'mDad how Fathers Can Journey from
(01:16):
Autism Awareness to Acceptance,to Appreciation is going to be
available everywhere, globally,worldwide, taking over the world
in every form that there is.
I guess, for a book, you canget it as a regular book that
you hold in your hand paper book, digital book, you can get it
as an audio book where I do thefull narration.
I went to the studio, I stoodthere, I read it out loud in one
(01:39):
of the most surreal kind ofdays of my life, or two days of
my life just going out there andreading it and telling my
stories and I don't know I gotto do my voices.
It was fun, it was interestingto get to share that and I'm so
excited for the opportunity totell you guys some of these
stories and some of the thingsthat are in there and explain my
journey and how I came toreally just see my son
(02:01):
differently.
And in many ways you know Italk about that, but I also see
the world differently and that'ssomething that's occurred over
the course of you know, the lastat this point, like 13 years,
as you guys know right.
So my story is unique.
My son had just gottendiagnosed.
My son was facing delays.
He was less than two years old.
(02:22):
I had his older sister who wasjust about three years older
than him.
So one of the things with himwas when he started missing
milestones.
I knew what those milestoneswere supposed to be because I
just saw them.
And my daughter, I mean, shewas, like you know, a speed
demon, like she blew past thesemilestones.
And the funny thing is, when youhave a kid who's hitting all
(02:45):
these developmental momentsahead of time, you know you take
the credit for it.
People turn to you and they gois she talking?
You're like yeah.
They're like whoa, good job,dad.
And you're like thank you, Idid that.
Like you feel it, you feelproud.
So then when you have a kid whodoesn't do that, that becomes
something that you take 100% onyourself.
(03:07):
How could I sit there threeyears earlier and let everybody
congratulate me for mydaughter's progress and then not
feel as though I'm to blame formy son's lack of progress and
the frustration that comes withthis?
And I want people to understandthis, because this is what was
really crazy.
People would then come to me asif I had done something wrong
to not teach him correctly, orif I raised him wrong, or there
(03:29):
was some sort of environmentalissue that I wasn't catching,
and it's like dude, I dideverything.
The exact same way with hisolder sister, who at this point
now, she's on 99 average inschool.
She's on honor roll, she'sneurotypical.
I used joke that lucas wasnon-verbal and she was like
non-stop verbal ha ha ha.
She loved that joke.
But really, like my daughter,to all these people who in this
(03:51):
world, some people arejudgmental of people like my son
not really judgmental, but theythey have an opinion that's
based on you know nothingfirsthand, based off of movies,
based off of stories, based onobservations from across a
target, of someone with specialneeds who's having a meltdown,
and they think, oof, what arough life.
(04:11):
I hate that.
But those people who see itthat way are the same people who
would see my daughter and belike, wow, what a great job,
that's the kind of kid you want.
But I raised them the same way.
Like when it came to Lucas, inmany ways I probably even spoke
to him more, because Lucas isthe perfect sounding board.
I just talked to him and helets me do it and I can talk to
(04:33):
him about anything.
I can curse to Lucas all thetime, like if I talk to him and
tell him something, I curse andif he says it right I've said
this before too I'll say, likeyou know, pick a curse, a random
curse, and I'll say it out loudand I'll turn to him.
I go, can you say that, buddy?
I'll repeat the curse.
I'm like we're going to have aparty.
(04:53):
You know, you say damn it,we're going to have a party.
But I used to joke with himwhen he was little.
There was always humor involvedin how I saw him because he was
.
He's just so fun and and happyright.
There's nothing about my sonthat feels like suffering on his
part at all.
He loves his life.
These pictures that I share.
I'm sitting here right now whenI do these podcasts I open up
highblogomdadcom right in frontof me and I look at it and I
(05:15):
have all the pictures in frontof me and the headlines.
And the picture that I used onWednesday was adorable and it's
a picture that just happened.
The blog is called why I stillfeel the urge to do more for my
nonverbal son, right, and thepicture was in the backseat of
my car and he's looking in theback and he's smiling.
And I went to go take a pictureof him and he kind of hunched
up his shoulders, tilted hishead like he does, and his
(05:39):
smiles are so natural, like whenyou see them.
None of them are fake.
I wrote a blog again years,like maybe a year or two ago,
called my nonverbal son can'tfake a smile because he can't.
He doesn't fake it.
It's always if he smiles hewants to smile.
I can't go Lucas smile, hewon't smile.
(05:59):
He'll stare at me.
You have to tickle him, youhave to get him in a good mood
and his smiles are like you feelthem through the image, like if
you were to look at thispicture.
Go to highblogondadcom.
This isn't a trick.
Go and look at why I still feelthe urge to do more for my
nonverbal son and look at himsmiling.
That's real, that's 100% real.
And sometimes I don't even knowwhat the cause is.
You know like there's sometimesyou tickle him or he's watching
(06:21):
something he likes and hesmiles.
Sometimes he's just in thismood where he's so happy and
it's just like he's just happyto be there, he's happy to be
alive, he's happy to be near me,makes me feel special, makes me
feel important, changes my life.
So when I had my surgery, when Icame out of this heart surgery
in 2012, it changed who I was.
(06:42):
I was a different person.
I wanted to be happy and Iwanted to really take inventory
of my life and figure out what'sbeneficial and what's not,
what's good for me and what'snot.
Lucas and Olivia wereoverwhelmingly good for me,
right, my daughter, even when mydaughter can be kind of a pain,
and she does.
Man, there's some morningswhere I'm like why are you being
(07:05):
so surly to me?
Like you know what I mean.
Like you got like a sneer.
I'll be like stop sneering.
It's like well, I don't deserveyou to sneer at me, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, but she's mydaughter is like one of the top
people I know.
She's hardworking, a lot of mypersonal values she has.
(07:25):
She sees the world that I do.
She sees the world, especiallywith Lucas.
The same exact way, you know.
She's told me before, likepeople have asked her like when
did you accept that your brotherhad autism?
And the question to her is likeridiculous.
She's like he has autism, he'sfine.
I've had people say to her likewell, what's going to happen
one day if something happens toyour parents and you have to
(07:46):
take care of him?
How are you going to feel?
People say this to her andshe's like she goes.
I don't know.
Just do it, because that's whatI do.
I do the exact same thing.
Like look, we could talk aboutit, we could lament, like about
how hard it is and, oh my God,what are we going to do?
But it doesn't matter.
We love this kid, he's in ourfamily, he's a part of our
family, not out ofresponsibility, not out of
(08:06):
anything else, but because hebrings us joy.
I'll be downstairs in my house,right, I have, we have three
floors and I, and the basementon the bottom is where the Xbox
is and the couch and all thevideo games and stuff.
So I'll go down there.
And it's so far removed fromthe top floor where the bedrooms
are that I have to use themonitor and no one can hear
anything, right?
So you have to really listen tohear banging, hear people
(08:28):
moving around.
So he'll be upstairs in hisroom and I'll have his camera.
He has a camera in his room soI can watch him and there's been
times where you know he's beenup there.
She goes up there, I look atthe camera and she's just in his
room, just sitting in bed withhim watching TV, you know, or
she's on her phone, but justsitting near him and whenever
she does that, it's like I'mlike she gets it.
(08:49):
Love this kid and she gets it.
She's unbelievable.
Olivia is top of the list,right?
Lucas, same thing, and that wassomething that, unfortunately, I
had to kind of learn after myheart surgery.
And when I say learn, I don'tmean like over time, like I had
to learn, no, but I mean like Ididn't.
Before my surgery and beforeeverything that happened, I
(09:12):
spent all day worrying about himwhat am I not doing?
And I wrote about that.
Actually, this week, one of theblogs that I wrote was called
again, as I just said, why Istill feel the urge to do more
for my nonverbal son, and it wasbased on that feeling back then
.
When your kid doesn't talk anymoment, that you're not teaching
him to talk, you think you'refailing.
I'm not doing what's right, I'mnot helping him.
(09:33):
So that was a lot to deal with.
But when I came out of thesurgery, I realized I wanted a
world where I understood him.
Why is he playing with that toythe way he does, rather than
stopping him from playing withthe toy the way he wants to?
I'm talking like I would alwaysgo over.
No, lucas, that's not how weplay with that.
Look, we pick up the phone,hello, hello.
He didn't want to do that, hewanted to do it his own way.
(09:57):
But watching him do it his ownway, whether it's like rolling
it under a couch, whether it'swatching it in a mirror, and
things like that used to worryme.
Oh, what am I doing?
I'm failing him.
But after my surgery I thoughtabout what I needed in my life.
I realized I need my kids.
I didn't care if he spoke, Ididn't care if, you know,
whatever he did, I just wantedmy kids.
(10:19):
I don't love my daughter becauseshe can talk.
I love my daughter because Ilove my daughter.
She's a great person.
As I said before, we share somany of the same values and
those are the reasons I love myson.
My son doesn't talk, right, butmy son shares my values.
I wrote a blog about that aswell.
Some of these I wrote a blogabout.
(10:40):
But it's true, like Lucas, lucasloves life in a way that I envy
and try to follow.
I mean again, autismappreciation.
If you were to go back throughthe years of this blog, it
didn't start off with autismappreciation.
That wasn't even a term.
It was like for me it wasn't aterm that I thought of until
(11:03):
years later, as time went on,but I had always kind of talked
about it early on in the senseof alluding to it, I would say
that more people should be likeLucas.
I wish the world could be likeLucas.
I would talk about how I envyhim, which I do.
I envy the fact that he doesn'tworry about anything.
I envy the fact that he doesn'tcare what anyone thinks about
him.
Like, if he's excited aboutsomething and we are somewhere
(11:26):
in public and he's happy, hewill jump, he will clap and he
will cheer for whatever it is.
If it's his video on his iPad,if it's just something that came
about, he doesn't care who'swatching.
People can look at him and theycan laugh at him and he won't
care.
He'll jump and he'll laugh.
I'll care, I'll beat you up,but that's what I'm saying.
Like he is everything's tunedout.
(11:49):
He's exactly what.
Like we say, we want our kidsto be like.
I want a kid who's kind.
I want a kid who doesn't bully.
I want a kid who's acceptingand loving of everyone.
And I got that.
Your kid doesn't talk, all right, it's kind of overrated.
We communicate in our own way,we use gestures and his
communication device.
Is it easy?
No, is it something we had tolearn over the years?
(12:11):
Yes, but at the end of the day,it's not only doable, but you
can do it and you can excel.
You can have a wonderfulrelationship with a person like
that as long as you care andthey care and you put the work
in to know who they are.
And if you love your kid,you're going to put the work in.
Who wouldn't put the work in?
So, yeah, lucas and Olivia, theywere these things in my life
(12:33):
that were positive and therewere negatives in my life and
there were things that had tochange and things changed and
things evolved.
And in many ways, people hearthat about having heart surgery
and they think, oh, he must'vecome out of the hospital and
immediately changed so much.
And don't get me wrong, I cameout of the hospital, I changed
my diet, I changed my exerciseroutine, I changed different
things like that.
But the understanding ofpositivity, finding the
(12:55):
happiness in my life andeliminating things that weren't
happy, that was a slow burn fora while and, to be honest with
you, it's still happening today.
There are still things that youknow I've had in my life, you
know, even recently, where I'mjust like this is not right,
this doesn't bring me joy, thisdoesn't make me happy, this
isn't healthy for me, this isn'thealthy for my family and we
(13:19):
have to make changes to it.
And the older I get and themore I see that my decisions
benefit me and benefit mychildren and benefit just my
life in general, the more secureI am in what those decisions
are moving forward.
So if something else comes upand I'm like this isn't right,
there would have been a timewhere I would have had to ask
what do you think?
Do you think this is right?
What's happening?
(13:39):
Do you?
Let me ask you, let me tell youa story.
This happened and that I don'tdo that In my head.
I just go, oh, this is messedup, I'm not doing this anymore
and I'm secure enough to go withit and that's, that's been a
life I'm Dad.
This book that I wrote and thenI got a chance to reread out
loud so that I could tell youguys about it, really tells that
(14:03):
story.
I talk about the understandingof who my son was learning about
his as they call it disability,and talk about the doubt that I
had and the worry and theconcerns and the things I went
through and balancing twosiblings, you know, a daughter
who's neurotypical and a sonwho's, you know, neurodivergent
(14:25):
and trying to make sure that Igive him everything I can, while
not losing the sight of thefact that I owe my daughter my
parenthood as well.
And I have, and I'm so proud.
I got to tell you.
I'm not sitting here andtelling you that like, oh, you
know, olivia and I never haveany issues.
We agree all the time.
She's 17.
If you think that's true,you're nuts.
You know, especially as a dad,like there's definitely been
(14:47):
times where I'm like what didyou say?
But the one thing I know forsure is that he's not a part of
that with her.
I've gone out of my way to makesure that their relationship is
their relationship right, thatshe loves him and she cares for
him, but she doesn't feel likehe's this person that she has to
have as an item on her chores.
(15:08):
You know she helps him becauseshe wants to help him, but I
also make him do it too.
Like if she's sitting at thetable and she's eating something
and she wants to drink and I'min the kitchen and he's with me,
I'll give him the cup orwhatever and I go go give that
to Olivia.
And I got to tell you it takesa lot of just like.
Sometimes I point no, go thereto Olivia, cause I'm just kind
(15:29):
of like, oh, is this for me?
No, no, it's not for you.
Give her the cup, but I havehim to it and she smiles, she
says thank you to him.
I don't know, man, it's areally in the words of George
Bailey you know, really is awonderful life.
So yeah, merry Christmas, moviehouse on that.
But that's what I'm doing everyday and this book is about that
journey and it's about I talkabout the surgery in it.
(15:49):
I talk about just stories, talkabout music together.
Oh, my God, you got to readthat part and some stories in
there.
There's stories in there.
I think there are definitelystories that I've never told
before, and there's some storiesin there that I've alluded to
in the blog and I tell morethoroughly.
I was just proud of this.
This was my life's work and tobring it back to how I got
(16:10):
started on all this, but comingout of that surgery and seeing
my son differently, coincidingperfectly with no longer wanting
to write about what I waswriting about and wanting to
write about something that Ifelt made a difference to the
world.
I mean, it all just cametogether at the same exact time.
And if you don't look at thatand think that there's sometimes
(16:31):
forces and I'm not talking youdon't have to be religious,
whatever spiritual there aredefinitely, I think, in life,
moments that are given to peoplefor a reason.
I've had friends pass away andI've learned from those deaths.
I've talked.
You know they hurt and they'repainful and things like that
happen.
But every single person I'velost I've lost more people than
(16:54):
I probably should have at my age.
I've taken something from themand I've grown from it.
Every failed relationship, whenpeople go, I come out of those
things as a different person Atthe end, better for it, happier
for it.
I know who I am.
Jobs and just disappointmentsEvery single thing is a learning
(17:17):
experience.
As Muhammad Ali said, man, a manwho is the same at 20 that he
is at 50, has wasted 30 years ofhis life and I have not done
that.
People I run into, people nowthat I knew, you know, 30 years
ago, that are like well, youweren't like this then.
I know, I know it wasn't likethis then.
I'm happy.
Now I've gotten rid of a lot offear and a lot of worry, and
(17:40):
Lucas is a big part of that, youknow, I think if you would ask
me when I was younger what Iwould have feared, I think
having a child with severeautism who's nonverbal, would
have been a fear, obviously.
I think a lot of people areafraid of that.
I talk to them nowadays and youhear people talk about it,
especially when they hear aboutmy son.
I don't know how you do it, ohmy God, it seems really dire.
(18:02):
But then when you experience itand you see that not only is it
not like the worst thing in theworld, but you've given this
unique relationship with thisbeautiful soul who sometimes
requires a lot more.
Don't get me wrong, man.
His kid requires a lot morework.
I don't downplay the work thatgoes into raising a child like
him, and any parent that youknow has a child like my son
(18:24):
does go through worry and stressand things that they have to do
.
But as a human being I don'tknow anyone else like him and if
it wasn't for him I probablywouldn't.
I have him living in my house.
He's somebody that I'm supposedto take care of.
He's not like a friend or anacquaintance.
He's here all the time and Ican tell you firsthand he is
fantastic and I'm lucky to havehim, to have his sister, and I
(18:48):
don't know, man, I don't know ifI would have seen that without
the heart surgery.
I think I probably would have,but I don't know.
So if this heart surgery helpedme to see that, then guess what
?
There's a positive to almostdying of a heart attack.
There is positives toeverything, as long as you take
the lesson from it, and that'swhat I've tried to do and that's
what this book is.
(19:08):
This book is about the lessonsI've learned.
This book is stories thathopefully you can read and if
you have somebody in your lifewho's dealing with this, they
can either get inspiration fromit or they can relate to certain
parts of it.
But this book is for everybody,and that's one of the things
that I wanted to say from thebeginning, because in the title
of the book it's High World, I'mDad, but then it's how Fathers
Can Journey from AutismAwareness to Acceptance, to
(19:30):
Appreciation, and theredefinitely is parts about me
being a man and me dealing withbeing like the primary contact
for my son's.
You know, special education andthings like that.
What I dealt with was some ofthe weird reactions from people,
but also, this book is foreverybody.
This is the kind of book where,if you have a child, like my son
, you're going to want to readthe book.
If you have a child that is atthe beginning stages of perhaps
(19:54):
maybe being like my son, you'regoing to want to read this book.
If you have a grandchild, ifyou have, you know, a family
member that you want to know alittle bit better about, like
what you can talk to your familyabout, this is the book.
If you have somebody who'sstruggling to accept that this
is in their life, this is thebook to read, because I don't
(20:15):
tell you what to do.
I don't guide you like step one, do this step?
No, it's, it's.
Look, this is me.
I have a situation that mostpeople would think is dire.
I have a child with severeautism.
I take care of him in so manyways that, like you know, a lot
of the things that we do arethings that people stopped doing
for their kids years ago, and Ido it every day and I still
(20:36):
come out of it overwhelminglyhappy and proud to have him.
So you give it to somebodywho's struggling with that and
they can see okay, look, thisguy might be a little bit of a
nut.
Maybe I am, I don't know.
But if he can do it, there's apossibility I can do it.
I want this book to help peopleand I want you to share it with
people who will listen or readit Again Spotify, audible, all
(20:57):
the different places you findbooks it's going to be there.
It's on Amazon right now.
You could probably get you knowdigital Kindle books.
Whatever it is, man, share it,tell people and let me know
right.
Go to either.
You know you can follow me onsocial media.
I'm everywhere.
I'm on TikTok, I'm on Facebook.
We're on.
We're not on Twitter.
I'm not on Twitter anymore.
We're on all Instagram,everywhere I am.
(21:18):
Hi, james Gutman.
H-i James Gutman.
Let me know what you think,leave a comment, drop me a line.
Go to highblogomdadcom.
There's a contact form on there.
You can send me a message rightthrough there.
I read everything I try torespond to, but even negative
things.
I respond to it If you have aquestion or you don't agree with
(21:40):
something I've written.
I've had people come at me.
I had one woman and I love this.
When I wrote the HuffingtonPost article, I had a woman who
wrote to me well, what about asibling?
What's his sister going to do,like I said before about Olivia,
like what's going to happenwhen she has to take care of him
, and it would seem very pointed, like she was dealing with
something.
So I wrote back to her and Iwas like listen, I get what
(22:00):
you're saying.
I told her, I explained to herwhat I do and I feel that way,
and she wrote back.
She was like what a kind andeven tempered response to what,
I have to admit, was a prettypointed and somewhat rude
message.
And then she wrote me a nicerest of the email and that
brightened my day.
And it brightened my daybecause one of the things and
(22:21):
we'll get to the end here butone of the things that I love
the best about being able to dothis and why I like being able
to respond to people, is I knowthe mental state that some
people are in when dealing withthis, because I remember when
Lucas was little and he wasgetting diagnosed, I remember we
were putting him into a specialneeds nursery school.
It was an autism friendlynursery school and I remember
the haze I was in just all day.
(22:42):
Call of Duty I would just playCall of Duty.
I don't even like Call of Duty.
I would play it because thegame went in 10 minutes spurts,
so I'd play for 10 minutes, thenI would have two minutes to
kind of like live my life andlike whatever, get a soda, and
then I go back to playing thegame again every 10 minutes and
I was like I didn't have tothink of anything.
But because of that I wasliving in this like constant
state of like fuzzy haze and Iknow how I dealt with people.
(23:05):
I know the things that wouldset me off out of nowhere and
things that I gotta tell you mayhave led to the heart attack
that, had I not had, I wouldhave just died at 40 because my
arteries were clogged.
So even that had a silver.
(23:27):
Everything has a silver lining.
Every single thing that we gothrough if you learn from it and
you look at how it reallybrings you to where you need to
be, is positive.
And I've told people this.
I say it about my own life andyou can say it about your own
life too.
We get past everything right.
You may have been through crazythings in your life.
Things feel like insurmountablehow I'm going to get past it,
but you know what?
You're sitting here now andyou're listening to a podcast.
So obviously you've gotten to aplace where you're somewhat
(23:52):
over many, many things that younever thought you would get over
.
I am too, and for that, likejust knowing.
That is why I don't reallystress about a lot.
What's the point?
I spent my whole life stressingabout things that never
happened and then a heart attackand a quintuple bypass that
weren't even on my radar almostkilled me.
(24:13):
So what is the point?
That's where I'm coming from.
So, please, if you read thisbook, where I'm coming from.
So please, if you read thisbook and you like it and you
love it, tell your friends, tellyour enemies, tell everybody.
You tell the world, johnny, andthen you come back and you go
drop me a message, let me know.
I'd love to hear your stories.
I love I don't know.
I just love knowing that thatmy boy can can really do a lot
(24:35):
of good for people.
I'm looking at him right now.
He's smiling at me in thispicture and it's fantastic.
Go to highblogomdadcom, look atthe picture, read the articles,
come here every single Friday,hipodomdadcom and any streaming
service, listen to the podcast.
And June 19th, high World I'mDad.
How fathers can journey fromautism awareness to to
Appreciation, will be availableeverywhere Pre-order, pre-save
(24:59):
it on Spotify, you know, get iteverywhere Audio written,
whatever it is.
Thank you guys for really justmaking my life complete.
Thank you for accepting my sonand thank you for just all
you've done reading this blogand just kind of making our
lives really complete.
It means a lot to me.
That does it for me.
I'll see you next Friday.
(25:19):
Until then, this is JamesGutman saying be well, bye-bye,
thank you, I'm out.
hi pod, I am dad.
He's not just hi dad, he's mydad.
James gutman, just hi dad, he'smy dad.
James gutman folks, jamesgutman, hi pot, I'm dad.
Welcome back to another editionof the podcast.
(00:35):
Happy friday, it's friday.
Happy june, it is june.
Uh, thank you for joining ushere on hypod.
I'm dadcom.
On any of the streamingservices.
I appreciate it, thank you.
Maybe you found me through highblog I'm dadcom.
Every Monday, every Wednesday,new blogs writing about
parenting, writing about mychildren, writing about my son
who is nonverbal.
(00:55):
He has autism.
He's 14 years old and I writeabout something called autism
appreciation, if you haven'theard about it.
That's the whole point ofeverything that I write about,
and that's the whole point ofeverything that I write about
and that's the whole point ofthe book coming out, all these
different things happening and,yeah, in as of today, in less
than two weeks, high World I'mDad how Fathers Can Journey from
(01:16):
Autism Awareness to Acceptance,to Appreciation is going to be
available everywhere, globally,worldwide, taking over the world
in every form that there is.
I guess, for a book, you canget it as a regular book that
you hold in your hand paper book, digital book, you can get it
as an audio book where I do thefull narration.
I went to the studio, I stoodthere, I read it out loud in one
(01:39):
of the most surreal kind ofdays of my life, or two days of
my life just going out there andreading it and telling my
stories and I don't know I gotto do my voices.
It was fun, it was interestingto get to share that and I'm so
excited for the opportunity totell you guys some of these
stories and some of the thingsthat are in there and explain my
journey and how I came toreally just see my son
(02:01):
differently.
And in many ways you know Italk about that, but I also see
the world differently and that'ssomething that's occurred over
the course of you know, the lastat this point, like 13 years,
as you guys know right.
So my story is unique.
My son had just gottendiagnosed.
My son was facing delays.
He was less than two years old.
(02:22):
I had his older sister who wasjust about three years older
than him.
So one of the things with himwas when he started missing
milestones.
I knew what those milestoneswere supposed to be because I
just saw them.
And my daughter, I mean, shewas, like you know, a speed
demon, like she blew past thesemilestones.
And the funny thing is, when youhave a kid who's hitting all
(02:45):
these developmental momentsahead of time, you know you take
the credit for it.
People turn to you and they gois she talking?
You're like yeah.
They're like whoa, good job,dad.
And you're like thank you, Idid that.
Like you feel it, you feelproud.
So then when you have a kid whodoesn't do that, that becomes
something that you take 100% onyourself.
(03:07):
How could I sit there threeyears earlier and let everybody
congratulate me for mydaughter's progress and then not
feel as though I'm to blame formy son's lack of progress and
the frustration that comes withthis?
And I want people to understandthis, because this is what was
really crazy.
People would then come to me asif I had done something wrong
to not teach him correctly, orif I raised him wrong, or there
(03:29):
was some sort of environmentalissue that I wasn't catching,
and it's like dude, I dideverything.
The exact same way with hisolder sister, who at this point
now, she's on 99 average inschool.
She's on honor roll, she'sneurotypical.
I used joke that lucas wasnon-verbal and she was like
non-stop verbal ha ha ha.
She loved that joke.
But really, like my daughter,to all these people who in this
(03:51):
world, some people arejudgmental of people like my son
not really judgmental, but theythey have an opinion that's
based on you know nothingfirsthand, based off of movies,
based off of stories, based onobservations from across a
target, of someone with specialneeds who's having a meltdown,
and they think, oof, what arough life.
(04:11):
I hate that.
But those people who see itthat way are the same people who
would see my daughter and belike, wow, what a great job,
that's the kind of kid you want.
But I raised them the same way.
Like when it came to Lucas, inmany ways I probably even spoke
to him more, because Lucas isthe perfect sounding board.
I just talked to him and helets me do it and I can talk to
(04:33):
him about anything.
I can curse to Lucas all thetime, like if I talk to him and
tell him something, I curse andif he says it right I've said
this before too I'll say, likeyou know, pick a curse, a random
curse, and I'll say it out loudand I'll turn to him.
I go, can you say that, buddy?
I'll repeat the curse.
I'm like we're going to have aparty.
(04:53):
You know, you say damn it,we're going to have a party.
But I used to joke with himwhen he was little.
There was always humor involvedin how I saw him because he was
.
He's just so fun and and happyright.
There's nothing about my sonthat feels like suffering on his
part at all.
He loves his life.
These pictures that I share.
I'm sitting here right now whenI do these podcasts I open up
highblogomdadcom right in frontof me and I look at it and I
(05:15):
have all the pictures in frontof me and the headlines.
And the picture that I used onWednesday was adorable and it's
a picture that just happened.
The blog is called why I stillfeel the urge to do more for my
nonverbal son, right, and thepicture was in the backseat of
my car and he's looking in theback and he's smiling.
And I went to go take a pictureof him and he kind of hunched
up his shoulders, tilted hishead like he does, and his
(05:39):
smiles are so natural, like whenyou see them.
None of them are fake.
I wrote a blog again years,like maybe a year or two ago,
called my nonverbal son can'tfake a smile because he can't.
He doesn't fake it.
It's always if he smiles hewants to smile.
I can't go Lucas smile, hewon't smile.
(05:59):
He'll stare at me.
You have to tickle him, youhave to get him in a good mood
and his smiles are like you feelthem through the image, like if
you were to look at thispicture.
Go to highblogondadcom.
This isn't a trick.
Go and look at why I still feelthe urge to do more for my
nonverbal son and look at himsmiling.
That's real, that's 100% real.
And sometimes I don't even knowwhat the cause is.
You know like there's sometimesyou tickle him or he's watching
(06:21):
something he likes and hesmiles.
Sometimes he's just in thismood where he's so happy and
it's just like he's just happyto be there, he's happy to be
alive, he's happy to be near me,makes me feel special, makes me
feel important, changes my life.
So when I had my surgery, when Icame out of this heart surgery
in 2012, it changed who I was.
(06:42):
I was a different person.
I wanted to be happy and Iwanted to really take inventory
of my life and figure out what'sbeneficial and what's not,
what's good for me and what'snot.
Lucas and Olivia wereoverwhelmingly good for me,
right, my daughter, even when mydaughter can be kind of a pain,
and she does.
Man, there's some morningswhere I'm like why are you being
(07:05):
so surly to me?
Like you know what I mean.
Like you got like a sneer.
I'll be like stop sneering.
It's like well, I don't deserveyou to sneer at me, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, but she's mydaughter is like one of the top
people I know.
She's hardworking, a lot of mypersonal values she has.
(07:25):
She sees the world that I do.
She sees the world, especiallywith Lucas.
The same exact way, you know.
She's told me before, likepeople have asked her like when
did you accept that your brotherhad autism?
And the question to her is likeridiculous.
She's like he has autism, he'sfine.
I've had people say to her likewell, what's going to happen
one day if something happens toyour parents and you have to
(07:46):
take care of him?
How are you going to feel?
People say this to her andshe's like she goes.
I don't know.
Just do it, because that's whatI do.
I do the exact same thing.
Like look, we could talk aboutit, we could lament, like about
how hard it is and, oh my God,what are we going to do?
But it doesn't matter.
We love this kid, he's in ourfamily, he's a part of our
family, not out ofresponsibility, not out of
(08:06):
anything else, but because hebrings us joy.
I'll be downstairs in my house,right, I have, we have three
floors and I, and the basementon the bottom is where the Xbox
is and the couch and all thevideo games and stuff.
So I'll go down there.
And it's so far removed fromthe top floor where the bedrooms
are that I have to use themonitor and no one can hear
anything, right?
So you have to really listen tohear banging, hear people
(08:28):
moving around.
So he'll be upstairs in hisroom and I'll have his camera.
He has a camera in his room soI can watch him and there's been
times where you know he's beenup there.
She goes up there, I look atthe camera and she's just in his
room, just sitting in bed withhim watching TV, you know, or
she's on her phone, but justsitting near him and whenever
she does that, it's like I'mlike she gets it.
(08:49):
Love this kid and she gets it.
She's unbelievable.
Olivia is top of the list,right?
Lucas, same thing, and that wassomething that, unfortunately, I
had to kind of learn after myheart surgery.
And when I say learn, I don'tmean like over time, like I had
to learn, no, but I mean like Ididn't.
Before my surgery and beforeeverything that happened, I
(09:12):
spent all day worrying about himwhat am I not doing?
And I wrote about that.
Actually, this week, one of theblogs that I wrote was called
again, as I just said, why Istill feel the urge to do more
for my nonverbal son, and it wasbased on that feeling back then
.
When your kid doesn't talk anymoment, that you're not teaching
him to talk, you think you'refailing.
I'm not doing what's right, I'mnot helping him.
(09:33):
So that was a lot to deal with.
But when I came out of thesurgery, I realized I wanted a
world where I understood him.
Why is he playing with that toythe way he does, rather than
stopping him from playing withthe toy the way he wants to?
I'm talking like I would alwaysgo over.
No, lucas, that's not how weplay with that.
Look, we pick up the phone,hello, hello.
He didn't want to do that, hewanted to do it his own way.
(09:57):
But watching him do it his ownway, whether it's like rolling
it under a couch, whether it'swatching it in a mirror, and
things like that used to worryme.
Oh, what am I doing?
I'm failing him.
But after my surgery I thoughtabout what I needed in my life.
I realized I need my kids.
I didn't care if he spoke, Ididn't care if, you know,
whatever he did, I just wantedmy kids.
(10:19):
I don't love my daughter becauseshe can talk.
I love my daughter because Ilove my daughter.
She's a great person.
As I said before, we share somany of the same values and
those are the reasons I love myson.
My son doesn't talk, right, butmy son shares my values.
I wrote a blog about that aswell.
Some of these I wrote a blogabout.
(10:40):
But it's true, like Lucas, lucasloves life in a way that I envy
and try to follow.
I mean again, autismappreciation.
If you were to go back throughthe years of this blog, it
didn't start off with autismappreciation.
That wasn't even a term.
It was like for me it wasn't aterm that I thought of until
(11:03):
years later, as time went on,but I had always kind of talked
about it early on in the senseof alluding to it, I would say
that more people should be likeLucas.
I wish the world could be likeLucas.
I would talk about how I envyhim, which I do.
I envy the fact that he doesn'tworry about anything.
I envy the fact that he doesn'tcare what anyone thinks about
him.
Like, if he's excited aboutsomething and we are somewhere
(11:26):
in public and he's happy, hewill jump, he will clap and he
will cheer for whatever it is.
If it's his video on his iPad,if it's just something that came
about, he doesn't care who'swatching.
People can look at him and theycan laugh at him and he won't
care.
He'll jump and he'll laugh.
I'll care, I'll beat you up,but that's what I'm saying.
Like he is everything's tunedout.
(11:49):
He's exactly what.
Like we say, we want our kidsto be like.
I want a kid who's kind.
I want a kid who doesn't bully.
I want a kid who's acceptingand loving of everyone.
And I got that.
Your kid doesn't talk, all right, it's kind of overrated.
We communicate in our own way,we use gestures and his
communication device.
Is it easy?
No, is it something we had tolearn over the years?
(12:11):
Yes, but at the end of the day,it's not only doable, but you
can do it and you can excel.
You can have a wonderfulrelationship with a person like
that as long as you care andthey care and you put the work
in to know who they are.
And if you love your kid,you're going to put the work in.
Who wouldn't put the work in?
So, yeah, lucas and Olivia, theywere these things in my life
(12:33):
that were positive and therewere negatives in my life and
there were things that had tochange and things changed and
things evolved.
And in many ways, people hearthat about having heart surgery
and they think, oh, he must'vecome out of the hospital and
immediately changed so much.
And don't get me wrong, I cameout of the hospital, I changed
my diet, I changed my exerciseroutine, I changed different
things like that.
But the understanding ofpositivity, finding the
(12:55):
happiness in my life andeliminating things that weren't
happy, that was a slow burn fora while and, to be honest with
you, it's still happening today.
There are still things that youknow I've had in my life, you
know, even recently, where I'mjust like this is not right,
this doesn't bring me joy, thisdoesn't make me happy, this
isn't healthy for me, this isn'thealthy for my family and we
(13:19):
have to make changes to it.
And the older I get and themore I see that my decisions
benefit me and benefit mychildren and benefit just my
life in general, the more secureI am in what those decisions
are moving forward.
So if something else comes upand I'm like this isn't right,
there would have been a timewhere I would have had to ask
what do you think?
Do you think this is right?
What's happening?
(13:39):
Do you?
Let me ask you, let me tell youa story.
This happened and that I don'tdo that In my head.
I just go, oh, this is messedup, I'm not doing this anymore
and I'm secure enough to go withit and that's, that's been a
life I'm Dad.
This book that I wrote and thenI got a chance to reread out
loud so that I could tell youguys about it, really tells that
(14:03):
story.
I talk about the understandingof who my son was learning about
his as they call it disability,and talk about the doubt that I
had and the worry and theconcerns and the things I went
through and balancing twosiblings, you know, a daughter
who's neurotypical and a sonwho's, you know, neurodivergent
(14:25):
and trying to make sure that Igive him everything I can, while
not losing the sight of thefact that I owe my daughter my
parenthood as well.
And I have, and I'm so proud.
I got to tell you.
I'm not sitting here andtelling you that like, oh, you
know, olivia and I never haveany issues.
We agree all the time.
She's 17.
If you think that's true,you're nuts.
You know, especially as a dad,like there's definitely been
(14:47):
times where I'm like what didyou say?
But the one thing I know forsure is that he's not a part of
that with her.
I've gone out of my way to makesure that their relationship is
their relationship right, thatshe loves him and she cares for
him, but she doesn't feel likehe's this person that she has to
have as an item on her chores.
(15:08):
You know she helps him becauseshe wants to help him, but I
also make him do it too.
Like if she's sitting at thetable and she's eating something
and she wants to drink and I'min the kitchen and he's with me,
I'll give him the cup orwhatever and I go go give that
to Olivia.
And I got to tell you it takesa lot of just like.
Sometimes I point no, go thereto Olivia, cause I'm just kind
(15:29):
of like, oh, is this for me?
No, no, it's not for you.
Give her the cup, but I havehim to it and she smiles, she
says thank you to him.
I don't know, man, it's areally in the words of George
Bailey you know, really is awonderful life.
So yeah, merry Christmas, moviehouse on that.
But that's what I'm doing everyday and this book is about that
journey and it's about I talkabout the surgery in it.
(15:49):
I talk about just stories, talkabout music together.
Oh, my God, you got to readthat part and some stories in
there.
There's stories in there.
I think there are definitelystories that I've never told
before, and there's some storiesin there that I've alluded to
in the blog and I tell morethoroughly.
I was just proud of this.
This was my life's work and tobring it back to how I got
(16:10):
started on all this, but comingout of that surgery and seeing
my son differently, coincidingperfectly with no longer wanting
to write about what I waswriting about and wanting to
write about something that Ifelt made a difference to the
world.
I mean, it all just cametogether at the same exact time.
And if you don't look at thatand think that there's sometimes
(16:31):
forces and I'm not talking youdon't have to be religious,
whatever spiritual there aredefinitely, I think, in life,
moments that are given to peoplefor a reason.
I've had friends pass away andI've learned from those deaths.
I've talked.
You know they hurt and they'repainful and things like that
happen.
But every single person I'velost I've lost more people than
(16:54):
I probably should have at my age.
I've taken something from themand I've grown from it.
Every failed relationship, whenpeople go, I come out of those
things as a different person Atthe end, better for it, happier
for it.
I know who I am.
Jobs and just disappointmentsEvery single thing is a learning
(17:17):
experience.
As Muhammad Ali said, man, a manwho is the same at 20 that he
is at 50, has wasted 30 years ofhis life and I have not done
that.
People I run into, people nowthat I knew, you know, 30 years
ago, that are like well, youweren't like this then.
I know, I know it wasn't likethis then.
I'm happy.
Now I've gotten rid of a lot offear and a lot of worry, and
(17:40):
Lucas is a big part of that, youknow, I think if you would ask
me when I was younger what Iwould have feared, I think
having a child with severeautism who's nonverbal, would
have been a fear, obviously.
I think a lot of people areafraid of that.
I talk to them nowadays and youhear people talk about it,
especially when they hear aboutmy son.
I don't know how you do it, ohmy God, it seems really dire.
(18:02):
But then when you experience itand you see that not only is it
not like the worst thing in theworld, but you've given this
unique relationship with thisbeautiful soul who sometimes
requires a lot more.
Don't get me wrong, man.
His kid requires a lot morework.
I don't downplay the work thatgoes into raising a child like
him, and any parent that youknow has a child like my son
(18:24):
does go through worry and stressand things that they have to do
.
But as a human being I don'tknow anyone else like him and if
it wasn't for him I probablywouldn't.
I have him living in my house.
He's somebody that I'm supposedto take care of.
He's not like a friend or anacquaintance.
He's here all the time and Ican tell you firsthand he is
fantastic and I'm lucky to havehim, to have his sister, and I
(18:48):
don't know, man, I don't know ifI would have seen that without
the heart surgery.
I think I probably would have,but I don't know.
So if this heart surgery helpedme to see that, then guess what
?
There's a positive to almostdying of a heart attack.
There is positives toeverything, as long as you take
the lesson from it, and that'swhat I've tried to do and that's
what this book is.
(19:08):
This book is about the lessonsI've learned.
This book is stories thathopefully you can read and if
you have somebody in your lifewho's dealing with this, they
can either get inspiration fromit or they can relate to certain
parts of it.
But this book is for everybody,and that's one of the things
that I wanted to say from thebeginning, because in the title
of the book it's High World, I'mDad, but then it's how Fathers
Can Journey from AutismAwareness to Acceptance, to
(19:30):
Appreciation, and theredefinitely is parts about me
being a man and me dealing withbeing like the primary contact
for my son's.
You know, special education andthings like that.
What I dealt with was some ofthe weird reactions from people,
but also, this book is foreverybody.
This is the kind of book where,if you have a child, like my son
, you're going to want to readthe book.
If you have a child that is atthe beginning stages of perhaps
(19:54):
maybe being like my son, you'regoing to want to read this book.
If you have a grandchild, ifyou have, you know, a family
member that you want to know alittle bit better about, like
what you can talk to your familyabout, this is the book.
If you have somebody who'sstruggling to accept that this
is in their life, this is thebook to read, because I don't
(20:15):
tell you what to do.
I don't guide you like step one, do this step?
No, it's, it's.
Look, this is me.
I have a situation that mostpeople would think is dire.
I have a child with severeautism.
I take care of him in so manyways that, like you know, a lot
of the things that we do arethings that people stopped doing
for their kids years ago, and Ido it every day and I still
(20:36):
come out of it overwhelminglyhappy and proud to have him.
So you give it to somebodywho's struggling with that and
they can see okay, look, thisguy might be a little bit of a
nut.
Maybe I am, I don't know.
But if he can do it, there's apossibility I can do it.
I want this book to help peopleand I want you to share it with
people who will listen or readit Again Spotify, audible, all
(20:57):
the different places you findbooks it's going to be there.
It's on Amazon right now.
You could probably get you knowdigital Kindle books.
Whatever it is, man, share it,tell people and let me know
right.
Go to either.
You know you can follow me onsocial media.
I'm everywhere.
I'm on TikTok, I'm on Facebook.
We're on.
We're not on Twitter.
I'm not on Twitter anymore.
We're on all Instagram,everywhere I am.
(21:18):
Hi, james Gutman.
H-i James Gutman.
Let me know what you think,leave a comment, drop me a line.
Go to highblogomdadcom.
There's a contact form on there.
You can send me a message rightthrough there.
I read everything I try torespond to, but even negative
things.
I respond to it If you have aquestion or you don't agree with
(21:40):
something I've written.
I've had people come at me.
I had one woman and I love this.
When I wrote the HuffingtonPost article, I had a woman who
wrote to me well, what about asibling?
What's his sister going to do,like I said before about Olivia,
like what's going to happenwhen she has to take care of him
, and it would seem very pointed, like she was dealing with
something.
So I wrote back to her and Iwas like listen, I get what
(22:00):
you're saying.
I told her, I explained to herwhat I do and I feel that way,
and she wrote back.
She was like what a kind andeven tempered response to what,
I have to admit, was a prettypointed and somewhat rude
message.
And then she wrote me a nicerest of the email and that
brightened my day.
And it brightened my daybecause one of the things and
(22:21):
we'll get to the end here butone of the things that I love
the best about being able to dothis and why I like being able
to respond to people, is I knowthe mental state that some
people are in when dealing withthis, because I remember when
Lucas was little and he wasgetting diagnosed, I remember we
were putting him into a specialneeds nursery school.
It was an autism friendlynursery school and I remember
the haze I was in just all day.
(22:42):
Call of Duty I would just playCall of Duty.
I don't even like Call of Duty.
I would play it because thegame went in 10 minutes spurts,
so I'd play for 10 minutes, thenI would have two minutes to
kind of like live my life andlike whatever, get a soda, and
then I go back to playing thegame again every 10 minutes and
I was like I didn't have tothink of anything.
But because of that I wasliving in this like constant
state of like fuzzy haze and Iknow how I dealt with people.
(23:05):
I know the things that wouldset me off out of nowhere and
things that I gotta tell you mayhave led to the heart attack
that, had I not had, I wouldhave just died at 40 because my
arteries were clogged.
So even that had a silver.
(23:27):
Everything has a silver lining.
Every single thing that we gothrough if you learn from it and
you look at how it reallybrings you to where you need to
be, is positive.
And I've told people this.
I say it about my own life andyou can say it about your own
life too.
We get past everything right.
You may have been through crazythings in your life.
Things feel like insurmountablehow I'm going to get past it,
but you know what?
You're sitting here now andyou're listening to a podcast.
So obviously you've gotten to aplace where you're somewhat
(23:52):
over many, many things that younever thought you would get over
.
I am too, and for that, likejust knowing.
That is why I don't reallystress about a lot.
What's the point?
I spent my whole life stressingabout things that never
happened and then a heart attackand a quintuple bypass that
weren't even on my radar almostkilled me.
(24:13):
So what is the point?
That's where I'm coming from.
So, please, if you read thisbook, where I'm coming from.
So please, if you read thisbook and you like it and you
love it, tell your friends, tellyour enemies, tell everybody.
You tell the world, johnny, andthen you come back and you go
drop me a message, let me know.
I'd love to hear your stories.
I love I don't know.
I just love knowing that thatmy boy can can really do a lot
(24:35):
of good for people.
I'm looking at him right now.
He's smiling at me in thispicture and it's fantastic.
Go to highblogomdadcom, look atthe picture, read the articles,
come here every single Friday,hipodomdadcom and any streaming
service, listen to the podcast.
And June 19th, high World I'mDad.
How fathers can journey fromautism awareness to to
Appreciation, will be availableeverywhere Pre-order, pre-save
(24:59):
it on Spotify, you know, get iteverywhere Audio written,
whatever it is.
Thank you guys for really justmaking my life complete.
Thank you for accepting my sonand thank you for just all
you've done reading this blogand just kind of making our
lives really complete.
It means a lot to me.
That does it for me.
I'll see you next Friday.
(25:19):
Until then, this is JamesGutman saying be well, bye-bye,
thank you, I'm out.
Popular Podcasts
Cold Case Files: Miami
Joyce Sapp, 76; Bryan Herrera, 16; and Laurance Webb, 32—three Miami residents whose lives were stolen in brutal, unsolved homicides. Cold Case Files: Miami follows award‑winning radio host and City of Miami Police reserve officer Enrique Santos as he partners with the department’s Cold Case Homicide Unit, determined family members, and the advocates who spend their lives fighting for justice for the victims who can no longer fight for themselves.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.