May 30, 2025 • 27 mins
In this heartfelt conversation, I got to sit down with my longtime friend, Stephanie, as she shared her journey from living in silence and fear due to an abusive marriage to finding her voice and embracing healing. She discussed the challenges of navigating her new life as a single mother, the importance of setting boundaries, and the support she received from her church and friends. Stephanie emphasizes the power of vulnerability, the necessity of trusting God, and the importance of empowering others to speak up about their struggles. Her story serves as a beacon of hope for anyone feeling trapped in their circumstances, reminding them that healing is possible and they are never alone.
What you learn from Stephanie:
- Stephanie's journey highlights the importance of sharing one's story for healing.
- Living in survival mode can feel like a nightmare, but change is possible.
- Setting boundaries is crucial for personal healing and empowerment.
- Support systems can emerge from unexpected places during difficult times.
- Facing fears and taking action can lead to significant life changes.
- Healing is a journey that requires trust in oneself and in God.
- Letting go of bitterness is essential for moving forward.
- Empowering others to speak up can create a ripple effect of healing.
- Single parenthood comes with its own challenges, but support makes it manageable.
Stephanie's words that stay with us:
• "Your voice matters."
• "You're never stuck."
• "It felt empowering."
Chapters
00:00 A Journey of Transformation
03:46 Facing the Truth of Abuse
06:52 Survival Mode: Living in Silence
09:54 The Turning Point: Finding Courage
13:01 Building a Support System
15:53 Setting Boundaries and Healing
18:51 Rebirth Through Faith
22:52 Empowerment and Moving Forward
24:55 Navigating Single Parenthood
27:51 Letting Go of Bitterness
31:10 Finding Joy and Self-Care
33:50 Embracing Courage and Healing
35:03 The Power of Sharing Stories
Resources and Links:
Stephanie's email: stephhuff2015@gmail.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 00 (00:00):
Stephanie and I have known each other for many
years.
If you had asked her six monthsago if she'd ever share her
story publicly, she probablywould have said no.
It wasn't that her story wasn'timportant then, it's that she
was still healing, still afraidof being judged, still finding
her voice again.
But today, she's in a newseason, one where she's standing
(00:22):
in her truth, walking in herfaith, and choosing to speak up,
not just for herself, but forevery woman who's ever felt
small, silenced, or unsure ofher worth.
Stephanie's story is raw, it'sreal, and it's full of
hard-earned wisdom.
I'm so honored to share thisconversation with you all.
Stephanie, I'm so gratefulyou're here and willing to share
(00:48):
your story.
I'm happy to be here.
I know this isn't easy, but Iknow that your story is going to
be very powerful.
You said six months ago thatyou might have been too scared
to talk about this, but nowyou're in a new season.
Can you share a little bitabout what's changed for you?
Speaker 01 (01:04):
Yeah, so six months ago, I was still married.
Well, technically, I'm stillmarried, but I was with my
spouse.
Not everything was perfect, butwe were together.
And now six months later, I amgoing through the process of
divorce.
into the single life, thesingle mom, have my own place.
(01:28):
So it's a complete turnaroundfrom where I was at six months
ago.
Speaker 00 (01:32):
Yeah.
So what part of your life orexperience do you feel in all of
this hasn't often been talkedabout or maybe something that
you kept mostly to yourself fora long time?
Speaker 01 (01:44):
The main thing that I kept to myself was just, I
mean, the abuse, right?
Like, I think people are scaredto step up and say, this is
what's happening to me, youknow, and it's not right.
Something needs to be done.
A lot of people don't have thatcourage to do that.
(02:05):
And I did for years, you know,and that's where a lot has
changed with that, too.
I know that now I do have thatcourage because.
There were so many things thatwere not right in our marriage,
so many things that were notright of how I was being
treated.
And I think I was made tobelieve, for one, no one would
(02:31):
believe me, and for two, that itwould taint his reputation,
like that was my responsibility.
But then I realized it's not.
Speaker 00 (02:47):
Do you mind going back a little bit further and
sharing in your marriage, whendid you start feeling the shift
or the change in therelationship?
Speaker 01 (03:00):
So the biggest change I can very vividly
remember was when we went toHawaii.
I don't know what changed.
I mean, still to this day, Icouldn't tell you what it is,
you know, specifically thathappened within him.
But that's when, you know,everything started to get
physical at times.
(03:20):
You know, it was just a lotmore of the verbal abuse,
emotional abuse.
But it was a complete, like acompletely different person.
Speaker 00 (03:30):
And he never did that beforehand.
Speaker 01 (03:33):
Not really.
It was just, you know, littlethings here and there that, you
know, things he would say.
And I'd be like, you know,that's.
I don't like that, you know,and I would bring it up and then
he would, you know, of course,apologize and we would move on.
But in Hawaii, like there wasthere was no apologizing, you
know, everything, every actionthat he would do for some he
(03:58):
would come up with somereasoning as it was my fault as
to why, you know, he said thatthing or, you know, he did that
thing or whatever.
Speaker 00 (04:06):
You mentioned that you were in moments where you
were living in survival mode.
What did that look or feel likein your everyday life?
Speaker 01 (04:14):
That honestly, it was like living a nightmare.
I mean, to me, my survival modewas literally just trying to
wake up on time, get the kids toschool, make it through the
workday.
And I felt like I just neededto make it back to bedtime again
so I could just sleep, youknow, and just forget about the
(04:38):
whole day and then start it allover again.
Speaker 00 (04:40):
During that time, what would people be surprised
to learn?
Did you show anything differentin your day to day to most
people?
Speaker 01 (04:53):
No, not at all.
And I mean, just now ingeneral, you know, when I kind
of give people even a glimpse ofwhat my life has been like for
years, I mean, since about 2018,they're like, oh, my gosh, I
had no idea.
You know, well, of course youdidn't because we had it.
Well, you know, nobody wants toshow the side of their
(05:14):
marriage, you know, the insideof their home, everything that
they can't control, you know,that everything's falling apart.
You want everybody to thinkyou're happy and you're not.
Speaker 00 (05:26):
Yeah.
So what made it feel easier tostay silent or avoid sharing
back then?
I
Speaker 01 (05:36):
think it was that mentality of not wanting to rock
the boat, per se.
If I was just quiet, if Ididn't say anything, if I just
went along with...
If I was just quiet, then...
there was no reason for him tobe upset or for him to, you
know, lash out at me or bephysical or whatever.
(05:59):
I'm
Speaker 00 (06:01):
sorry, Stephanie.
That's crazy to think that.
Yeah.
Was there a moment, a turningpoint when something inside of
you shifted?
So when you got to that pointwhere you thought, I can't keep
living like this?
Speaker 01 (06:17):
So I remember one day, like I said, it's been
about six months ago.
I remember thinking that Iwould never, ever find a way out
of this marriage because it wasalmost like he was holding me
there.
He was holding stuff.
over my head to keep me thereas far as financial support,
(06:40):
things like that, just making mebelieve I couldn't make it on
my own.
But I remember thinking that Iwould never get out of this
marriage alive.
The only way that I would getout would be the day that it was
my time to die.
And that's a scary thought,that you're that miserable that
you see no way out other thanwhen you die.
(07:03):
And I remember praying to Godand saying, you know, somebody,
please just hear me without mesaying something.
Please see something.
And, you know, there werepeople that started to see
things and things that startedto come out.
And that was when things tookthe change and I took control
and there were people there tohelp me.
Speaker 00 (07:25):
Yeah.
Who did you have as a goodsupport system?
Who were you able to reach outto?
Oh,
Speaker 01 (07:32):
my gosh.
Like, one, definitely, youknow, church community, you
know, people that I hadn'ttalked to, like, you know, you,
we haven't talked in, you know,quite a while, but just people
that I wouldn't have everthought would still be there,
you know, were by my side in aheartbeat.
People have come out of thewoodworks, you know, that I
(07:52):
didn't even know or, you know,through friends, you know, and
they've been there and they'restill there and just such a huge
support system.
Like, I couldn't do it withoutthem.
Speaker 00 (08:05):
Yeah.
That's so good that you havepeople.
Speaker 01 (08:08):
Oh, absolutely.
Speaker 00 (08:10):
You said that learning to set boundaries was a
huge part of your healing.
What helped you begin to trustthat you had the right to do
that?
Speaker 01 (08:21):
When I honestly started to tell myself that
things that had been going on inmy marriage were not okay.
Speaker 02 (08:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 01 (08:31):
You know, because I mean, during the marriage, he
would always tell me, well, it'snot as bad as you're making it
out to be.
You know, you're too soft, youknow, or whatever it may be.
But then looking at it, I'mlike, no, these things are not
right.
You know, and I have that rightto say no.
I have that right to setboundaries no matter who you
are.
If you're my husband, you know,a co-worker, someone walking
(08:55):
down the street, a friend,doesn't matter.
You know, I'm my own person.
And if I don't feel comfortablewith something, then there
needs to be that boundary.
There needs to be someonestepping up and saying no.
Speaker 00 (09:08):
Yeah.
But you said you were afraid todo that in the beginning.
Speaker 01 (09:12):
Absolutely.
Because, I mean, I had been,again, you know, throughout my
marriage, if I said no or wantedto set a boundary, then I was
ungrateful, you know, uh, I was,you know, horrible wife, you
know, for wanting to setboundaries or say no.
Um, you know, so I didn't feellike I could, I didn't feel like
I had that right because hemade it seem as if because I was
(09:36):
his wife, that wasn't my, myright.
Speaker 00 (09:43):
So, uh, Were there any moments, the quiet ones,
that stand out as especiallypainful or eye-opening during
all of this for you?
Speaker 01 (09:52):
Absolutely.
So when I started to see alsoall of the effects of the abuse
and everything going on spillout into my kids, you know,
especially my 13-year-olddaughter.
You know, she started with theself-harm, you know, just
getting into a deep depression,just withdrawn from family,
(10:16):
friends, everything.
And, you know, and I was like,something's got to change, you
know, because this is not onlyaffecting me, it's affecting the
kids, you know, and I wasn'treally seeing it until then.
You know, I have the olderboys.
I think boys are a little bitdifferent.
You know, they take on a lotmore and they're I don't want to
say stronger, but you know, asmen, you know, they are a little
(10:40):
bit stronger and they don'tshow those things, but girls are
a lot different.
You know, they're a lot moreemotional, more sensitive.
And now she just didn't knowhow to deal with everything.
And that was her way of dealingwith it.
And I couldn't, I couldn'tcontinue to allow us to be, you
know, in a situation where itcould, I mean, honestly,
(11:01):
possibly be fatal for her oranyone else, you know, at some
point and had to stop.
Speaker 00 (11:10):
Knowing that she was going through that while you
were going through what you weregoing through, what were some
things that you did to help herwhile still trying to survive
yourself?
Speaker 01 (11:20):
Yeah.
So I think...
What helped me some and I thinkthat it helped her was
realizing that she wasn't aloneand I wasn't alone.
Like we were both dealing witha lot of the same kind of in a
way because she was feeling theeffects of everything that I was
taking on.
(11:40):
So we had that connection as towhere we could really talk
through everything.
But I always just encouragedher to remember like, we're
going through this together, youknow, like, I'm in therapy,
you're in therapy, you know,you're not in this alone, you
know, I have emotions, I can'tunderstand and explain.
(12:02):
And sometimes I don't know howto express them, you know, so
you're not alone, you know, itjust, I've just tried to be
constantly reassuring to her,you know, that, you she's okay
you know there's nothing becauseshe would always bring up you
know well i'm not normal yes youare you know you're completely
(12:23):
normal it's just a bad situationyou know and that we're going
to get through this so just thatconstant reassurance again to
her you know and i think thathelped me reassuring reassuring
her sometimes felt like i wasreassuring myself you know just
verbally saying it
Speaker 00 (12:42):
Was there fear in imagining what life might look
like on the other side ofleaving?
Absolutely.
Yeah.
What helped you push throughsome of that fear?
Speaker 01 (12:50):
Yeah.
So, I mean, we were married fornine years.
So, I mean, some huge amount oftime, but that's a good amount
of time, you know, nine yearsand a child together.
So I was used to a certainlifestyle, you know, and Going
from two incomes to one incomeis always scary, you know, being
(13:13):
a single parent.
But what really pushed me,though, was do I want to live
another nine years in this?
Or do I want to live anothernine years of being happy?
Yeah.
Even if that means being bymyself.
And that one won.
Speaker 00 (13:31):
Yeah.
Yeah.
So what was the first bit ofprocess?
What steps did you end uptaking?
Yeah.
Speaker 01 (13:38):
So when everything started happening, everything
honestly moved pretty quickly.
There were a lot of lies andjust a lot of unfaithfulness
that I found out about.
I honestly went full-on mode.
I automatically put a restraintin order against him, cut all
(14:02):
communication, left my...
I left a lot, and I just got anapartment and moved out.
He wasn't in the home.
My boys helped me move.
They're best friends.
They all showed up, and we goteverything moved out.
But when I say I cut all ties,I cut all ties.
(14:24):
I left my phone.
I got a completely differentphone number.
I threw out all weddingpictures, any pictures that we
had together.
I deleted everything off of myphone that ever pertained to
him, pictures, text messages,voicemails, anything.
I've had no contact with himother than court appearances for
(14:50):
six months now.
Wow.
Yeah, and that has been themost freeing.
I
Speaker 00 (14:56):
bet.
And I know being a militaryspouse...
That's hard to do.
It
Speaker 01 (15:02):
is.
It absolutely is.
Because, you know, you stillhave a lot of ties.
I mean, being married ingeneral, you have a lot of ties.
But being a military spouse,you're tied to them even more.
Yeah.
You know, and some things evenhave to go through him for you
to be able to do.
So not having thatcommunication, it's like a game
(15:22):
of email tag through chain ofcommand.
Speaker 00 (15:26):
Oh, my goodness.
I can imagine.
Yeah.
Unknown (15:29):
Oh, wow.
Speaker 00 (15:31):
So once you got out, what did healing really look
like for you?
Not just the highlight moments,but what was the heart in
between pieces?
Speaker 01 (15:42):
My breaking point was literally, I remember being
in the new apartment and Iremember just sitting in the
floor and just crying to God andBecause I didn't know where to
turn to.
I didn't know where to go.
I didn't know what to do.
I mean, I was lost, you know,and all I could do was cry.
(16:06):
And I knew that God knew whatmy cries were for.
And he knew exactly what Ineeded.
And I just put that trust inhim and went forward.
And it has just been one goodstep after another.
Yeah.
Unknown (16:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 00 (16:24):
And I recently saw that you had baptism.
Yes.
Tell us about that.
Oh,
Speaker 01 (16:30):
my gosh.
Yes.
I mean, again, you know, likeGod has just moved mountains
within this last six months.
And to not show my completesurrender to him and show my
faithfulness to him as much ashe has shown it to me.
(16:50):
It was just not even aquestion.
I had to do it.
It felt amazing and even morefreeing.
It's just a love that I feltthat I had lost.
There had been several timeswhen I felt that God just was
not hearing me and that wasn'ttrue at all.
(17:12):
He was there the whole time.
It was just not His timing andnow it is.
Speaker 00 (17:17):
What was your relationship before with God?
I mean, did you get baptizedwhen you were young first or had
you never been baptized?
What was that like?
Speaker 01 (17:25):
I had been baptized before.
It had been several, severalyears ago.
And I was, you know, on a goodpath, you know, and then just as
life happens, you know, youstray away and you I don't want
to say that I ever felt like,oh, you know, well, church or
(17:46):
God's not important, but I justdidn't put him in the forefront,
you know, put other thingsbefore him.
And so that, you know, ofcourse hindered my relationship
and how strong it should havebeen, you know, with God.
And, but now, you know, it'slike, I know that he has to be
at the forefront for anything togo well, you know, and we're of
course always going to, ashumans, we're going to have
(18:08):
trials that we go through, butYou know, you just still have to
keep him in front of everythingand trust him.
Speaker 00 (18:15):
Yeah.
So really just surrendering andjust giving it all to God was
what you needed in that timeframe.
Yes.
Speaker 01 (18:23):
I understand that.
And I remember breaking down toone of my friends, you know,
and just letting it all out andjust frustration.
And her response literally was,trust God.
after everything I just pouredout to her, her response was
trust God.
And I was just like, okay,well, this is what I'm going to
(18:45):
do, you know, and that's what Ijust try to keep in mind, you
know, with anything that comesup now, you know, just trust
God, you know, and it's going towork out like it's supposed to.
Speaker 00 (18:55):
Right.
We want him so badly to justtell us the plan, but he really
just wants us to give it to himso he can trust him.
Yes, absolutely.
What would you say to the womanwho's listening and feels stuck
or afraid to speak up in herown relationship?
Speaker 01 (19:13):
Yeah, absolutely.
So something that I would wanteveryone to know is you're never
stuck.
There's always someone thatwill listen and always someone
that will help.
I've made phone call afterphone call after phone call to
get to the people that I neededto help me.
(19:33):
But there's always someonethat's going to direct you on
where you need to get someonethat's going to be there to
reach out and lift you up.
So like I said, you're neveralone and you're never stuck.
You just have to make thateffort to find those people.
Speaker 00 (19:50):
I know it couldn't have been easy, but how have
your kids been through all ofthis, and how has it been
balancing now being a singlemom?
Speaker 01 (19:59):
The boys are, of course, older.
They're 22 and 19, so they'reout of the home.
It's easier for them, I think.
The girls are quite a bitdifferent, especially our
daughter that we have together.
She doesn't understand whymommy and daddy are not together
(20:23):
anymore.
And I just try to remind herand the 13-year-old, everyone
still loves you.
You still have your family.
Our family just looks differentnow.
We live here and daddy livesthere.
That's the only thing that'schanged.
it's definitely a big changefor everybody and it's it's hard
(20:48):
even as an adult to go throughthose changes but when you have
to try to explain those changesand comfort a child that can't
understand you know it puts awhole different kind of pressure
on you sometimes as being asingle mom you know so but as
far as balancing the single momlife it's actually working out a
lot easier than what I wouldthought because again, you know,
(21:10):
I have good people in my lifenow, you know, I have people
that are there to help andsupport and they know that I'm
in that single mom life now andthey're like, okay, well, if you
need help, let us know we'rehere.
So it makes a huge difference.
It really does.
Speaker 00 (21:27):
Yeah.
And I saw on your recentpurchase, you bought yourself a
car.
I did.
Speaker 01 (21:35):
Yes.
I was super proud of myself forthat because I literally had
went in to the dealership and Iwas like, okay, you know, this
is what I'm looking for.
Price wise.
I want to be able to, you know,I found something, I would say
cheap that would just bedependable, you know, because I
(21:56):
was like, from, again, beingtold, you know, you'll never be
able to do this.
You'll never be able to dothat.
I had it in my mind.
I can't buy a car, you know?
So I went in there and theywere able to get me into a 2019.
And I was just like, oh mygosh, within a price range, you
know, that I was like completelycomfortable with.
And I was just like, mind blownand so excited.
(22:19):
That was like a hugeaccomplishment.
And it felt good.
You know, it felt empowering.
Yeah,
Speaker 00 (22:24):
like I can do this.
Speaker 01 (22:26):
Exactly.
You know, it's just thatconfirmation.
You know, you can't let thosenegative thoughts, you know,
just rule your life.
Because if you do, you're nevergoing to get anywhere.
And I've just been I don't wantto say pushing those negative
thoughts back, you know, becauseI don't want to want to
suppress them.
But I'm literally just pushingthem out of my mind and
(22:47):
replacing them with positivethings.
You know, even if it's, youknow, I may not be able to do
this, but I know I can do this,you know.
So just that positiveaffirmation, I'm like really
making that intentional in mylife right now.
Speaker 00 (23:02):
Yeah, I love that.
Thank you.
How have you been able just tokind of go through this, knowing
that all these things in yourpast you obviously can't change?
Yeah.
But how have you been able tonot keep the bitterness or the
resentment and be able to keepmoving forward?
Because it is still fresh,right?
Oh, absolutely.
It's been six months, yeah.
Speaker 01 (23:22):
Yeah, and one thing that really helped me is I had
let that bitterness and angerjust rule my life for so long.
Yeah.
And I was just completely tiredof it.
You know, it was eating mealive.
And I literally just made thedecision.
I was just like, no more.
(23:42):
You know, I'm not holding on tothat anger.
I'm not holding on to thatbitterness.
What he did is something thathe will answer for.
But what I do is what I willanswer for.
And I refuse to let it controlmy life anymore.
So I did literally give it toGod and I I pray for him now.
(24:03):
Like, I really do.
You know, and that's a hardthing to do after all the hurt,
the infidelity, like everything.
I pray for him because I doknow there are a lot of areas
that he needs help.
And if he would let God helphim, you know, and let God heal
him, he could get past a lot.
But it's not for me to do forhim.
(24:25):
He's going to have to acceptthat.
But I'm not going to hold on toit and let it just eat me alive
anymore.
And
Speaker 00 (24:33):
that's good for you.
Was that around that same timethat you decided to go get
rebaptized?
Speaker 01 (24:39):
And it was shortly before then, because I was just
like, you know, again, stillholding on to so much, you know,
and I would find myselfquestioning, you know, like, you
know, why would he, likesomebody that's supposed to love
you, why would they treat youthis way?
You know, why would they dothis?
Why would they continue to dothis?
And Like I said, I couldn'tcontinue worrying over the past
(25:06):
and what his actions were.
I had to focus on me and notjust for me, but for the kids.
The kids deserve a mom that'shappy and healthy and thriving.
So I mean, I'm not just healingfor me, I'm healing for them
too.
Speaker 00 (25:24):
So thank you, Stephanie, so much for sharing
your heart and being so open.
It's meant a lot to me to haveyou come on to my podcast and
trust me with your story.
Of
Speaker 01 (25:33):
course.
Thank you for allowing me totell my story.
Speaker 00 (25:36):
Absolutely.
And I can't wait to see whatthe next chapter brings for you.
Oh,
Speaker 01 (25:42):
my goodness.
Yes, you will definitely seeand hear all about it.
I
Speaker 00 (25:46):
want to.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Stephanie's courage to sharethis chapter of her life is more
than just brave.
It's freeing.
For so long, she lived insurvival mode, in silence and
avoidance.
But today, she's walking inhealing.
And by owning her story, she'soffering light to someone else
(26:07):
who might still feel stuck inthe dark.
Her message is simple, butpowerful.
There's always a way out.
And if you're listening and youneed to hear that, let this be
a reminder.
Your voice matters, yourboundaries matter, and your
healing is possible.
Thank you for spending timewith me and for listening to
(26:28):
today's story, one that remindsus we're not alone in our mess,
our healing, or our hiddenchapters.
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(26:49):
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And if you've got a story ofyour own to share, my inbox is
always open.
Until the next chapter, keeplistening for what connects us
the most.
Stephanie and I have known each other for many
years.
If you had asked her six monthsago if she'd ever share her
story publicly, she probablywould have said no.
It wasn't that her story wasn'timportant then, it's that she
was still healing, still afraidof being judged, still finding
her voice again.
But today, she's in a newseason, one where she's standing
(00:22):
in her truth, walking in herfaith, and choosing to speak up,
not just for herself, but forevery woman who's ever felt
small, silenced, or unsure ofher worth.
Stephanie's story is raw, it'sreal, and it's full of
hard-earned wisdom.
I'm so honored to share thisconversation with you all.
Stephanie, I'm so gratefulyou're here and willing to share
(00:48):
your story.
I'm happy to be here.
I know this isn't easy, but Iknow that your story is going to
be very powerful.
You said six months ago thatyou might have been too scared
to talk about this, but nowyou're in a new season.
Can you share a little bitabout what's changed for you?
Speaker 01 (01:04):
Yeah, so six months ago, I was still married.
Well, technically, I'm stillmarried, but I was with my
spouse.
Not everything was perfect, butwe were together.
And now six months later, I amgoing through the process of
divorce.
into the single life, thesingle mom, have my own place.
(01:28):
So it's a complete turnaroundfrom where I was at six months
ago.
Speaker 00 (01:32):
Yeah.
So what part of your life orexperience do you feel in all of
this hasn't often been talkedabout or maybe something that
you kept mostly to yourself fora long time?
Speaker 01 (01:44):
The main thing that I kept to myself was just, I
mean, the abuse, right?
Like, I think people are scaredto step up and say, this is
what's happening to me, youknow, and it's not right.
Something needs to be done.
A lot of people don't have thatcourage to do that.
(02:05):
And I did for years, you know,and that's where a lot has
changed with that, too.
I know that now I do have thatcourage because.
There were so many things thatwere not right in our marriage,
so many things that were notright of how I was being
treated.
And I think I was made tobelieve, for one, no one would
(02:31):
believe me, and for two, that itwould taint his reputation,
like that was my responsibility.
But then I realized it's not.
Speaker 00 (02:47):
Do you mind going back a little bit further and
sharing in your marriage, whendid you start feeling the shift
or the change in therelationship?
Speaker 01 (03:00):
So the biggest change I can very vividly
remember was when we went toHawaii.
I don't know what changed.
I mean, still to this day, Icouldn't tell you what it is,
you know, specifically thathappened within him.
But that's when, you know,everything started to get
physical at times.
(03:20):
You know, it was just a lotmore of the verbal abuse,
emotional abuse.
But it was a complete, like acompletely different person.
Speaker 00 (03:30):
And he never did that beforehand.
Speaker 01 (03:33):
Not really.
It was just, you know, littlethings here and there that, you
know, things he would say.
And I'd be like, you know,that's.
I don't like that, you know,and I would bring it up and then
he would, you know, of course,apologize and we would move on.
But in Hawaii, like there wasthere was no apologizing, you
know, everything, every actionthat he would do for some he
(03:58):
would come up with somereasoning as it was my fault as
to why, you know, he said thatthing or, you know, he did that
thing or whatever.
Speaker 00 (04:06):
You mentioned that you were in moments where you
were living in survival mode.
What did that look or feel likein your everyday life?
Speaker 01 (04:14):
That honestly, it was like living a nightmare.
I mean, to me, my survival modewas literally just trying to
wake up on time, get the kids toschool, make it through the
workday.
And I felt like I just neededto make it back to bedtime again
so I could just sleep, youknow, and just forget about the
(04:38):
whole day and then start it allover again.
Speaker 00 (04:40):
During that time, what would people be surprised
to learn?
Did you show anything differentin your day to day to most
people?
Speaker 01 (04:53):
No, not at all.
And I mean, just now ingeneral, you know, when I kind
of give people even a glimpse ofwhat my life has been like for
years, I mean, since about 2018,they're like, oh, my gosh, I
had no idea.
You know, well, of course youdidn't because we had it.
Well, you know, nobody wants toshow the side of their
(05:14):
marriage, you know, the insideof their home, everything that
they can't control, you know,that everything's falling apart.
You want everybody to thinkyou're happy and you're not.
Speaker 00 (05:26):
Yeah.
So what made it feel easier tostay silent or avoid sharing
back then?
I
Speaker 01 (05:36):
think it was that mentality of not wanting to rock
the boat, per se.
If I was just quiet, if Ididn't say anything, if I just
went along with...
If I was just quiet, then...
there was no reason for him tobe upset or for him to, you
know, lash out at me or bephysical or whatever.
(05:59):
I'm
Speaker 00 (06:01):
sorry, Stephanie.
That's crazy to think that.
Yeah.
Was there a moment, a turningpoint when something inside of
you shifted?
So when you got to that pointwhere you thought, I can't keep
living like this?
Speaker 01 (06:17):
So I remember one day, like I said, it's been
about six months ago.
I remember thinking that Iwould never, ever find a way out
of this marriage because it wasalmost like he was holding me
there.
He was holding stuff.
over my head to keep me thereas far as financial support,
(06:40):
things like that, just making mebelieve I couldn't make it on
my own.
But I remember thinking that Iwould never get out of this
marriage alive.
The only way that I would getout would be the day that it was
my time to die.
And that's a scary thought,that you're that miserable that
you see no way out other thanwhen you die.
(07:03):
And I remember praying to Godand saying, you know, somebody,
please just hear me without mesaying something.
Please see something.
And, you know, there werepeople that started to see
things and things that startedto come out.
And that was when things tookthe change and I took control
and there were people there tohelp me.
Speaker 00 (07:25):
Yeah.
Who did you have as a goodsupport system?
Who were you able to reach outto?
Oh,
Speaker 01 (07:32):
my gosh.
Like, one, definitely, youknow, church community, you
know, people that I hadn'ttalked to, like, you know, you,
we haven't talked in, you know,quite a while, but just people
that I wouldn't have everthought would still be there,
you know, were by my side in aheartbeat.
People have come out of thewoodworks, you know, that I
(07:52):
didn't even know or, you know,through friends, you know, and
they've been there and they'restill there and just such a huge
support system.
Like, I couldn't do it withoutthem.
Speaker 00 (08:05):
Yeah.
That's so good that you havepeople.
Speaker 01 (08:08):
Oh, absolutely.
Speaker 00 (08:10):
You said that learning to set boundaries was a
huge part of your healing.
What helped you begin to trustthat you had the right to do
that?
Speaker 01 (08:21):
When I honestly started to tell myself that
things that had been going on inmy marriage were not okay.
Speaker 02 (08:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 01 (08:31):
You know, because I mean, during the marriage, he
would always tell me, well, it'snot as bad as you're making it
out to be.
You know, you're too soft, youknow, or whatever it may be.
But then looking at it, I'mlike, no, these things are not
right.
You know, and I have that rightto say no.
I have that right to setboundaries no matter who you
are.
If you're my husband, you know,a co-worker, someone walking
(08:55):
down the street, a friend,doesn't matter.
You know, I'm my own person.
And if I don't feel comfortablewith something, then there
needs to be that boundary.
There needs to be someonestepping up and saying no.
Speaker 00 (09:08):
Yeah.
But you said you were afraid todo that in the beginning.
Speaker 01 (09:12):
Absolutely.
Because, I mean, I had been,again, you know, throughout my
marriage, if I said no or wantedto set a boundary, then I was
ungrateful, you know, uh, I was,you know, horrible wife, you
know, for wanting to setboundaries or say no.
Um, you know, so I didn't feellike I could, I didn't feel like
I had that right because hemade it seem as if because I was
(09:36):
his wife, that wasn't my, myright.
Speaker 00 (09:43):
So, uh, Were there any moments, the quiet ones,
that stand out as especiallypainful or eye-opening during
all of this for you?
Speaker 01 (09:52):
Absolutely.
So when I started to see alsoall of the effects of the abuse
and everything going on spillout into my kids, you know,
especially my 13-year-olddaughter.
You know, she started with theself-harm, you know, just
getting into a deep depression,just withdrawn from family,
(10:16):
friends, everything.
And, you know, and I was like,something's got to change, you
know, because this is not onlyaffecting me, it's affecting the
kids, you know, and I wasn'treally seeing it until then.
You know, I have the olderboys.
I think boys are a little bitdifferent.
You know, they take on a lotmore and they're I don't want to
say stronger, but you know, asmen, you know, they are a little
(10:40):
bit stronger and they don'tshow those things, but girls are
a lot different.
You know, they're a lot moreemotional, more sensitive.
And now she just didn't knowhow to deal with everything.
And that was her way of dealingwith it.
And I couldn't, I couldn'tcontinue to allow us to be, you
know, in a situation where itcould, I mean, honestly,
(11:01):
possibly be fatal for her oranyone else, you know, at some
point and had to stop.
Speaker 00 (11:10):
Knowing that she was going through that while you
were going through what you weregoing through, what were some
things that you did to help herwhile still trying to survive
yourself?
Speaker 01 (11:20):
Yeah.
So I think...
What helped me some and I thinkthat it helped her was
realizing that she wasn't aloneand I wasn't alone.
Like we were both dealing witha lot of the same kind of in a
way because she was feeling theeffects of everything that I was
taking on.
(11:40):
So we had that connection as towhere we could really talk
through everything.
But I always just encouragedher to remember like, we're
going through this together, youknow, like, I'm in therapy,
you're in therapy, you know,you're not in this alone, you
know, I have emotions, I can'tunderstand and explain.
(12:02):
And sometimes I don't know howto express them, you know, so
you're not alone, you know, itjust, I've just tried to be
constantly reassuring to her,you know, that, you she's okay
you know there's nothing becauseshe would always bring up you
know well i'm not normal yes youare you know you're completely
(12:23):
normal it's just a bad situationyou know and that we're going
to get through this so just thatconstant reassurance again to
her you know and i think thathelped me reassuring reassuring
her sometimes felt like i wasreassuring myself you know just
verbally saying it
Speaker 00 (12:42):
Was there fear in imagining what life might look
like on the other side ofleaving?
Absolutely.
Yeah.
What helped you push throughsome of that fear?
Speaker 01 (12:50):
Yeah.
So, I mean, we were married fornine years.
So, I mean, some huge amount oftime, but that's a good amount
of time, you know, nine yearsand a child together.
So I was used to a certainlifestyle, you know, and Going
from two incomes to one incomeis always scary, you know, being
(13:13):
a single parent.
But what really pushed me,though, was do I want to live
another nine years in this?
Or do I want to live anothernine years of being happy?
Yeah.
Even if that means being bymyself.
And that one won.
Speaker 00 (13:31):
Yeah.
Yeah.
So what was the first bit ofprocess?
What steps did you end uptaking?
Yeah.
Speaker 01 (13:38):
So when everything started happening, everything
honestly moved pretty quickly.
There were a lot of lies andjust a lot of unfaithfulness
that I found out about.
I honestly went full-on mode.
I automatically put a restraintin order against him, cut all
(14:02):
communication, left my...
I left a lot, and I just got anapartment and moved out.
He wasn't in the home.
My boys helped me move.
They're best friends.
They all showed up, and we goteverything moved out.
But when I say I cut all ties,I cut all ties.
(14:24):
I left my phone.
I got a completely differentphone number.
I threw out all weddingpictures, any pictures that we
had together.
I deleted everything off of myphone that ever pertained to
him, pictures, text messages,voicemails, anything.
I've had no contact with himother than court appearances for
(14:50):
six months now.
Wow.
Yeah, and that has been themost freeing.
I
Speaker 00 (14:56):
bet.
And I know being a militaryspouse...
That's hard to do.
It
Speaker 01 (15:02):
is.
It absolutely is.
Because, you know, you stillhave a lot of ties.
I mean, being married ingeneral, you have a lot of ties.
But being a military spouse,you're tied to them even more.
Yeah.
You know, and some things evenhave to go through him for you
to be able to do.
So not having thatcommunication, it's like a game
(15:22):
of email tag through chain ofcommand.
Speaker 00 (15:26):
Oh, my goodness.
I can imagine.
Yeah.
Unknown (15:29):
Oh, wow.
Speaker 00 (15:31):
So once you got out, what did healing really look
like for you?
Not just the highlight moments,but what was the heart in
between pieces?
Speaker 01 (15:42):
My breaking point was literally, I remember being
in the new apartment and Iremember just sitting in the
floor and just crying to God andBecause I didn't know where to
turn to.
I didn't know where to go.
I didn't know what to do.
I mean, I was lost, you know,and all I could do was cry.
(16:06):
And I knew that God knew whatmy cries were for.
And he knew exactly what Ineeded.
And I just put that trust inhim and went forward.
And it has just been one goodstep after another.
Yeah.
Unknown (16:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 00 (16:24):
And I recently saw that you had baptism.
Yes.
Tell us about that.
Oh,
Speaker 01 (16:30):
my gosh.
Yes.
I mean, again, you know, likeGod has just moved mountains
within this last six months.
And to not show my completesurrender to him and show my
faithfulness to him as much ashe has shown it to me.
(16:50):
It was just not even aquestion.
I had to do it.
It felt amazing and even morefreeing.
It's just a love that I feltthat I had lost.
There had been several timeswhen I felt that God just was
not hearing me and that wasn'ttrue at all.
(17:12):
He was there the whole time.
It was just not His timing andnow it is.
Speaker 00 (17:17):
What was your relationship before with God?
I mean, did you get baptizedwhen you were young first or had
you never been baptized?
What was that like?
Speaker 01 (17:25):
I had been baptized before.
It had been several, severalyears ago.
And I was, you know, on a goodpath, you know, and then just as
life happens, you know, youstray away and you I don't want
to say that I ever felt like,oh, you know, well, church or
(17:46):
God's not important, but I justdidn't put him in the forefront,
you know, put other thingsbefore him.
And so that, you know, ofcourse hindered my relationship
and how strong it should havebeen, you know, with God.
And, but now, you know, it'slike, I know that he has to be
at the forefront for anything togo well, you know, and we're of
course always going to, ashumans, we're going to have
(18:08):
trials that we go through, butYou know, you just still have to
keep him in front of everythingand trust him.
Speaker 00 (18:15):
Yeah.
So really just surrendering andjust giving it all to God was
what you needed in that timeframe.
Yes.
Speaker 01 (18:23):
I understand that.
And I remember breaking down toone of my friends, you know,
and just letting it all out andjust frustration.
And her response literally was,trust God.
after everything I just pouredout to her, her response was
trust God.
And I was just like, okay,well, this is what I'm going to
(18:45):
do, you know, and that's what Ijust try to keep in mind, you
know, with anything that comesup now, you know, just trust
God, you know, and it's going towork out like it's supposed to.
Speaker 00 (18:55):
Right.
We want him so badly to justtell us the plan, but he really
just wants us to give it to himso he can trust him.
Yes, absolutely.
What would you say to the womanwho's listening and feels stuck
or afraid to speak up in herown relationship?
Speaker 01 (19:13):
Yeah, absolutely.
So something that I would wanteveryone to know is you're never
stuck.
There's always someone thatwill listen and always someone
that will help.
I've made phone call afterphone call after phone call to
get to the people that I neededto help me.
(19:33):
But there's always someonethat's going to direct you on
where you need to get someonethat's going to be there to
reach out and lift you up.
So like I said, you're neveralone and you're never stuck.
You just have to make thateffort to find those people.
Speaker 00 (19:50):
I know it couldn't have been easy, but how have
your kids been through all ofthis, and how has it been
balancing now being a singlemom?
Speaker 01 (19:59):
The boys are, of course, older.
They're 22 and 19, so they'reout of the home.
It's easier for them, I think.
The girls are quite a bitdifferent, especially our
daughter that we have together.
She doesn't understand whymommy and daddy are not together
(20:23):
anymore.
And I just try to remind herand the 13-year-old, everyone
still loves you.
You still have your family.
Our family just looks differentnow.
We live here and daddy livesthere.
That's the only thing that'schanged.
it's definitely a big changefor everybody and it's it's hard
(20:48):
even as an adult to go throughthose changes but when you have
to try to explain those changesand comfort a child that can't
understand you know it puts awhole different kind of pressure
on you sometimes as being asingle mom you know so but as
far as balancing the single momlife it's actually working out a
lot easier than what I wouldthought because again, you know,
(21:10):
I have good people in my lifenow, you know, I have people
that are there to help andsupport and they know that I'm
in that single mom life now andthey're like, okay, well, if you
need help, let us know we'rehere.
So it makes a huge difference.
It really does.
Speaker 00 (21:27):
Yeah.
And I saw on your recentpurchase, you bought yourself a
car.
I did.
Speaker 01 (21:35):
Yes.
I was super proud of myself forthat because I literally had
went in to the dealership and Iwas like, okay, you know, this
is what I'm looking for.
Price wise.
I want to be able to, you know,I found something, I would say
cheap that would just bedependable, you know, because I
(21:56):
was like, from, again, beingtold, you know, you'll never be
able to do this.
You'll never be able to dothat.
I had it in my mind.
I can't buy a car, you know?
So I went in there and theywere able to get me into a 2019.
And I was just like, oh mygosh, within a price range, you
know, that I was like completelycomfortable with.
And I was just like, mind blownand so excited.
(22:19):
That was like a hugeaccomplishment.
And it felt good.
You know, it felt empowering.
Yeah,
Speaker 00 (22:24):
like I can do this.
Speaker 01 (22:26):
Exactly.
You know, it's just thatconfirmation.
You know, you can't let thosenegative thoughts, you know,
just rule your life.
Because if you do, you're nevergoing to get anywhere.
And I've just been I don't wantto say pushing those negative
thoughts back, you know, becauseI don't want to want to
suppress them.
But I'm literally just pushingthem out of my mind and
(22:47):
replacing them with positivethings.
You know, even if it's, youknow, I may not be able to do
this, but I know I can do this,you know.
So just that positiveaffirmation, I'm like really
making that intentional in mylife right now.
Speaker 00 (23:02):
Yeah, I love that.
Thank you.
How have you been able just tokind of go through this, knowing
that all these things in yourpast you obviously can't change?
Yeah.
But how have you been able tonot keep the bitterness or the
resentment and be able to keepmoving forward?
Because it is still fresh,right?
Oh, absolutely.
It's been six months, yeah.
Speaker 01 (23:22):
Yeah, and one thing that really helped me is I had
let that bitterness and angerjust rule my life for so long.
Yeah.
And I was just completely tiredof it.
You know, it was eating mealive.
And I literally just made thedecision.
I was just like, no more.
(23:42):
You know, I'm not holding on tothat anger.
I'm not holding on to thatbitterness.
What he did is something thathe will answer for.
But what I do is what I willanswer for.
And I refuse to let it controlmy life anymore.
So I did literally give it toGod and I I pray for him now.
(24:03):
Like, I really do.
You know, and that's a hardthing to do after all the hurt,
the infidelity, like everything.
I pray for him because I doknow there are a lot of areas
that he needs help.
And if he would let God helphim, you know, and let God heal
him, he could get past a lot.
But it's not for me to do forhim.
(24:25):
He's going to have to acceptthat.
But I'm not going to hold on toit and let it just eat me alive
anymore.
And
Speaker 00 (24:33):
that's good for you.
Was that around that same timethat you decided to go get
rebaptized?
Speaker 01 (24:39):
And it was shortly before then, because I was just
like, you know, again, stillholding on to so much, you know,
and I would find myselfquestioning, you know, like, you
know, why would he, likesomebody that's supposed to love
you, why would they treat youthis way?
You know, why would they dothis?
Why would they continue to dothis?
And Like I said, I couldn'tcontinue worrying over the past
(25:06):
and what his actions were.
I had to focus on me and notjust for me, but for the kids.
The kids deserve a mom that'shappy and healthy and thriving.
So I mean, I'm not just healingfor me, I'm healing for them
too.
Speaker 00 (25:24):
So thank you, Stephanie, so much for sharing
your heart and being so open.
It's meant a lot to me to haveyou come on to my podcast and
trust me with your story.
Of
Speaker 01 (25:33):
course.
Thank you for allowing me totell my story.
Speaker 00 (25:36):
Absolutely.
And I can't wait to see whatthe next chapter brings for you.
Oh,
Speaker 01 (25:42):
my goodness.
Yes, you will definitely seeand hear all about it.
I
Speaker 00 (25:46):
want to.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Stephanie's courage to sharethis chapter of her life is more
than just brave.
It's freeing.
For so long, she lived insurvival mode, in silence and
avoidance.
But today, she's walking inhealing.
And by owning her story, she'soffering light to someone else
(26:07):
who might still feel stuck inthe dark.
Her message is simple, butpowerful.
There's always a way out.
And if you're listening and youneed to hear that, let this be
a reminder.
Your voice matters, yourboundaries matter, and your
healing is possible.
Thank you for spending timewith me and for listening to
(26:28):
today's story, one that remindsus we're not alone in our mess,
our healing, or our hiddenchapters.
If you haven't already, followthe show wherever you're
listening so you never miss anepisode.
If you would, leave a review.
It helps more than you know.
And share this episode with afriend who might need to hear
it.
You can always reach out byemail at hello at
(26:49):
hiddenchapterspodcast.com.
I'd love to hear from you orconnect through the links in the
show notes.
And if you've got a story ofyour own to share, my inbox is
always open.
Until the next chapter, keeplistening for what connects us
the most.
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