August 26, 2025 • 23 mins
Court is in session, babes.
This week’s Breakup Court docket might be the wildest yet.
We’ve got stolen cats held hostage for months.
Situationship landlords who ghost when you won’t co-sign their lease.
Exes mailing invoices for “dating expenses.”
Wedding invites sent to the very person they dumped over text.
And even utility bills you didn’t know you were still paying.
The iced coffee is strong.
The gavel is louder.
And the audacity is truly Olympic-level.
Buckle up for an episode that will make you laugh, rage, and maybe send a strongly worded text you’ll definitely regret as we hand down emotional justice, one outrageous case at a time.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Kelly (00:09):
the number cannot be reached now, please hang up and
try again later.
Welcome back to His LossHotline, where heartbreak gets
(00:30):
cross-examined and delusion isdismissed and your ex is
officially on trial.
I'm obviously Kelly, if youdidn't know that by now.
I'm obviously Kelly, if youdidn't know that by now.
Your host, but also yourbreakup best friend, I guess.
And today your judge, your juryand your emotional executioner.
(00:55):
Dun-dun, I bought a littlefuck-ass gavel.
Amazon really has got thatstuff.
If I was going to do a videorecording of my podcast, I would
have bought one of those fuckass uk wigs, um, you know, the
ones that look like georgewashington.
Yeah, I would have been iconic,but we're not there yet.
(01:16):
But today you've enteredbreakup court.
Should I?
Should I do the fuck ass gavelagain?
It doesn't really sound likewhat it does on, like law and
order.
Oh, okay, maybe it does.
That might have been reallyloud, um, but uh, let the record
(01:37):
show.
I've got my gavel, obviouslyfrom amazon.
Um, it's really cheap too.
Um, my iced coffee and uh,pretty much zero patience for
situationship bullshit.
But uh, yeah, I wish I waswearing the robe and the george
(01:57):
washington wig, but uh, I'm not.
But I'll still judge your cases.
But here's how it works yousend me your cases and I read
the evidence and then I issue averdict.
This is 100% legally binding,but only in the court of public
(02:18):
opinion, because I'm no expertand don't sue me in any sense of
the word.
And yeah, so let's proceed.
I'm trying to also be a littlebit more dramatic in this
episode because, uh, let's bereal.
Here we're in court, so, uh,let's get fucking examined.
(02:42):
No, that sounds weird.
Let's get I don't know what isthe word prosecuted, that
doesn't.
I don't know.
Whatever, let's proceed.
Let's start strong, okay, witha story.
I really, when I read this, Iwas like holy, fucking shit.
(03:03):
Um, and I'm naming them or I'mtrying to, but this one's called
the cat napping and gaslighting.
I really tried to rhyme thingsthat didn't rhyme at all, but
whatever, I don't fucking care.
But this is like truly readslike a psychological thriller or
warfare, I'm not really sure.
(03:23):
So here's the submission, hey,kelly.
So I was with this guy for threeyears.
We lived together for the lastyear and I had a cat that I
adopted before we met.
After we broke up, I told himhe could come grab his stuff
while I was at work.
To avoid a scene, he took hisPS5 and my cat Just left a note
(03:48):
saying he thought he'd be she'dbe better off with him because I
seemed too emotional.
Lately I freaked out, called,texted, even drove to his new
place.
He blocked me.
I finally got her back afterhis new girlfriend messaged me,
feeling bad three, three monthslater, holy shit.
Meanwhile he's telling peopleI'm unstable for harassing him
(04:14):
Like I didn't just want my catback.
Okay, so, first of all, what theactual fuck?
Second, emotional instabilityfor wanting your own living,
breathing cat.
You're actually you're jokingLike my ex was like oh, you can
(04:36):
have, you can have.
We shared a dog.
Well, I still have her.
Her name's Roxy, but she's myemotional support dog, uh,
legally.
So I was like there's gonna beno fight here.
Um, I legally own her.
So, whatever you want to dowith that information, you can.
But I would have fought forRoxy all day, all day long,
(05:00):
because, honestly, pets are partof the family.
Duh, most of the time, rightnow, pets are actually replacing
children with because no onecan afford shit.
We can kind of afford pets, butlet's be real here.
Um, but uh, yeah, I would beunwell.
I would be unwell too, babes.
(05:23):
Um, also, like to steal a cat, Ithink is fucking crazy.
Like he didn't do it for likeyour cat's own good.
He took it because, like hephysically could remove
something from your life.
And like disguised control asconcern, so like it's bullshit.
(05:50):
Essentially, like weaponizingyour emotions so that when you
react like a normal human being,he gets to sit there and say
like oh, she's so crazy.
I'm so calm and collected, like, shut the fuck up.
You stole a fucking cat.
(06:10):
My verdict Okay, I hope this isnot too loud.
That was really fucking loud.
I don't know if it's coming offloud or not.
I don't know how judges do it,but guilty in all counts
Gaslighting, catnapping, I don'tknow.
Slander, I guess.
Is that what we're calling it?
(06:31):
My sentence 100 hours ofsupervised community service in
a vet's office, um, but Iwouldn't want to do that to
anyone's vet office.
Um, because they're true,they're true heroes.
Um, so you're just gonna betrash, essentially, um, the
(06:52):
man's gonna be trash, obviously,um, but he from now on will be
referred to as the man who stolea cat in a breakup for the rest
of his life.
And, uh, I would love a publicapology.
Um, and shame.
You know that?
What like one?
Um, that one scene from Ialmost said lord of the rings,
(07:15):
oh, from I almost said Lord ofthe Rings, oh my God.
I almost said Lord of the Flies.
That's a book, holy shit.
What is the one with the frostgiant?
Not the frost giant, the frostking?
Oh shit, I got to look this up.
Hold on, hold on Game ofThrones.
My bad, it's been a hot secsince I watched Game of Thrones,
but 10 out of 10 except seasonI think it was eight, the last
(07:39):
season Trash.
But they always go shame, shame,shame.
So like, make that his ringtoneor just keep him blocked.
Actually, no, just keep himblocked.
Holy fucking shit.
But yeah, you don't deserve.
Don't deserve that, babes.
I'm so sorry that happened, butat least you got your cat back.
Um, so this next one is alsocrazy.
(08:04):
They just keep getting worse.
Okay, um, I'm gonna call it.
You're not my girlfriend, butcan you sign this?
Um?
So this is what the submissionreads.
We were in a situationship forlike nine months.
He kept saying he wasn't readyfor a relationship, but we acted
like one Dates, sleepovers,emotional support, all of it.
(08:26):
I even helped him rewrite hisresume after he got laid off.
Girl, you're better than me.
Then, out of nowhere, nowhere,he asked to co-sign on his lease
.
Holy fuck, not move in, justsign.
Oh, I said no and he said I wasabandoning him and clearly
didn't care.
Then he ghosted me.
(08:47):
Two weeks later, two weeks isin all cap, all caps.
Um, he posted some girl softlaunch style in the apartment.
I'm unwell.
I'm unwell too, babes.
Like, sir, make it make sense.
You won't commit to to her, tothe title, but like you'll
(09:15):
commit to a legally binding,like financial obligation as a
lease, or like ruining hercredit or some shit.
He literally like in my opinionwas like saying he's
emotionally unavailable, butlike let me ruin your financial
(09:38):
life real quick.
Like, get the fuck out of here.
Get the fuck out of here, um.
But let's be clear here thiswasn't romance.
This was either a go fund medisguised as a situation ship um
, because he wanted a sponsor,or he wanted his mommy, because
(09:59):
that's what it truly sounds like.
I'm not saying anything.
In my old relationship, um waslike this, but it was exactly
like this.
He wanted a mommy, not apartner.
What?
Who said that?
That was crazy.
My verdict Guilty.
Am I supposed to do that afterI don't know.
(10:21):
I think I need to watch more TVinstead of doom scrolling
TikTok.
And I was going to lie and sayInstagram, but I'm never really
on there.
I was gonna lie and sayInstagram, but I'm never really
on there.
Let's be real, I'm on TikTok inan insane amount.
An insane amount, but also it'slike for my job, so that's my
(10:41):
excuse.
Um, his sentence he must nowco-sign his mom's lease because
he wants a mommy and explain toall future dates why he's.
I'm gonna make up a number here, like 34 and still asking women
to help with the rest hisresume and job applications.
(11:04):
Um, but like, let's be real,here he was using you for your
credit score because his wasprobably fucking ass.
So sorry babes, god, reallythese submissions are.
(11:25):
They kill me.
They kill me.
This one case three isdiabolical, diabolical.
The wedding invite that shouldhave been a restraining order,
crazy, okay, so the submissiongoes.
Okay.
My ex of four years all capsbroke up with me via text.
(11:46):
Six months later I get aninvite to his wedding, like a
formal mailed invite, with alittle handwritten note that
said hope you can come.
I didn't respond.
You are mature and incrediblefor that.
He followed up saying he'd loveif he, if I, could help pick
(12:06):
the playlist and give input,since I always had good taste.
I said absolutely not and hereplied that I was being bitter
and clearly hadn't grown sincethe breakup.
Sir, be serious.
Okay, haven't grown.
You're fucking with me, right?
Also, it's been six months andyou're already like, engaged in
(12:31):
getting married.
That's's wild.
That's wild also imagine likeinviting someone you dumped via
text to your wedding and thenlike acting shocked that they
don't want to choose your shitass music.
Like you know, it's gonna besome.
Like I love bruno mars, buthe's so overplayed at um
(12:54):
weddings and ed sheeran don'tlove him as much, but you know
he's friends with taylor swift,so that's okay, um.
Or like the classic classicwhite people, you know, shut up
and dance that song.
Or Sweet Caroline oh, classic,but Verdict Guilty, guilty of
(13:18):
delusion, weaponized flatteryand I'm going to say like
emotional fraud and his sentenceMay his wedding playlist only
contain Ed Sheeran songs.
No skips, sucks to suck, sorry,ed sheeran.
(13:39):
Okay, exhibit four is it exhibitfour?
Case four, close enough, Idon't know.
I'm not a fucking lawyer, guys.
Um, I'm a judge.
But uh, after a breakup, my exmailed me an actual invoice for
expenses he claimed he spent onme during our relationship
(14:00):
Dinners, gas, even the Christmasgift he bought me.
It totaled $1,242.
He said if I didn't pay himback he'd take legal action
against me.
I ignored it.
He then, venmo, requested mefor the same amount with a note
saying time to be an adult.
Okay, girl, this is so similarto what my ex tried to do to me.
(14:26):
Um, he well, first off, he triedto get alimony in our year and
a half.
Um, alimony in our year and ahalf, like a year and a half of
marriage, which in Californiayou really only get alimony if
you've been married for 10 years.
Babes, we were married for ayear and a half and he only was
(14:46):
trying to get alimony because hewas a broke bitch.
He was a broke bitch, but also,we'll go back.
We'll go back to your case.
This is not my case, but reallyreally saw some similarities
right there.
Okay, first of all, a fuckinginvoice.
(15:09):
What are we like?
You're not a business, okay,fuck off.
What are we like?
You're not a business, okay,fuck off.
And like you couldn't just textit but a printed document and
with, I'm assuming, line items.
There was no picture involvedin this submission.
But like you think he like usedmicrosoft word or like used a
(15:30):
canva template, because that'sfucking insane, dude.
Also, like, imagine openingyour mail and you're expecting,
like whatever the fuck, ananthropology catalog or what's
another place bed, bath andbeyond like coup and you get a
(15:53):
bill for gas money from like2022.
Like, be so fucking for realright now.
Also, let's talk about thatVenmo note.
I think that's so funny.
Not that he put time to be anadult, but the only contact I
have with my ex is through email, um, which is an email I don't
(16:18):
use.
It's pretty much nolan void,but we have a loan together and
um venmo.
So I understand the stupidpetty venmo shit more than you
know, girl, but uh, time to bean adult.
What, sir?
If adulthood was like invoicingyour ex for like mozzarella
(16:43):
sticks, then none of us wouldexist.
Be so fucking for real rightnow.
Why is this like making meangry?
Um verdict, guilty, guilty ofextortion I know big words, guys
um fraud, fraud and um being afucking clown.
(17:08):
Like what else?
What else?
Um sentence?
You must reimburse every womanuh he's ever dated.
He must uh with interest for,I'm assuming, time therapy and,
uh, whatever else.
They wasted on him, holyfucking fucking shit, and work
(17:31):
customer service at crackerbarrel for one year, so he truly
understands the costs of meals.
I don't know, I don't want toinsult like chili's or something
, because chili's has the.
What is that?
The four for four?
I don Whatever.
(17:52):
The mozzarella sticks are bombthere.
So I'm not going to, I'm notgoing to call them out, because
I love them.
Well, I've had them like oncein the past two years, but I
still love them.
Okay, we have our last andfinal submission for this
episode.
This one's a doozy.
So my ex moved out after ourbreakup but somehow kept my name
(18:18):
on the electric and internetbills for four months.
I didn't notice right awaybecause it was paying auto pay
and I was just assuming thecharges were mine.
I only found out when I calledthe internet company about an
outage and they said the addresson file was his new apartment.
When I confronted him he saidwell, I just figured you
(18:41):
wouldn't mind, since you have agood job, are you fucking?
Oh my God, why does that Like?
I think my blood is boiling.
I don't know, is that beingdramatic A little bit?
First off, a good job.
I'm not a like you're sorry, Ialmost said I'm not a You're.
You're not like a bank, anonprofit, like you have your
(19:06):
own bank account.
Babes, like fuck off with thatbullshit.
My bank account is not like acommunity resource, nor should
it be.
Also, like the entitlement ofassuming someone's going to
sponsor your like utilities postbreakup I think is insane, like
(19:28):
truly, I feel like this is likefinancial manipulation with
like laziness essentially, does.
The question I really want toknow is like a follow up Does
this man even have a job?
Because it feels like it feelslike he doesn't.
But my verdict guilty'll notice.
(19:52):
They're all guilty becausethese submissions wild, but uh,
I'm gonna say guilty of being aleech, a mooch, we're gonna call
mooch um.
Unauthorized utility usage,obviously, and weaponized
incompetence a classic favoriteof a lot of, actually all of
(20:13):
these men, a lot of themactually Sentence you must live
without Wi-Fi for an entire yearand explain to every date why
he's streaming, why they'restreaming TV on a cracked iPhone
with one bar of service.
I think that's absolutelydiabolical.
He did that to you also.
(20:35):
Like when it comes to money,yeah, that is so fucked, that's
so fucked.
Okay, like my.
These are my final rulings.
But, uh, I know I know breakupsalready hurt, but like they
don't need to come with theseside quests of like stupid shit
(20:55):
like theft or invoices, or likewedding dj, what is that called
consultations?
Also, you're not crazy forreacting to mistreatment and
you're also, like, not bitterfor refusing to participate in
someone's revisionist historyand you're also not cold for
(21:23):
protecting your peace, becausethat is some utter bullshit
there.
But that's it today for today'sbreakup court.
Oh, that one, I think, soundedkind of good, but we'll see in
post, whatever.
But next week we're steppingout of the courtroom and
straight into a reality check,which I think is messed up of me
(21:48):
, but I need it.
So it's called If he called, ifhe wanted to, he would, but he
didn't.
Yeah, just let that sink in AKA,the episode that might actually
make you finally stop decodingmixed signals Like it's a
full-time job.
Um, and the lessons I learnedin the saying if he wanted to,
(22:09):
he would.
We're talking bread crumbing,bare minimum energy, and why.
Why you already have youranswer, even if you hate it,
unfortunately, because I saw itand now you get to see it.
Um, if you love today's chaos,send it to your group chat.
(22:32):
Please leave a five star ratingand follow us on tiktok and
instagram at girl hang up forall things chaos and hot takes
and whatever the fuck else.
I feel like sharing because Idon't have a plan and it's kind
of fun.
I feel like sharing because Idon't have a plan and it's kind
(22:57):
of fun.
But also I will be posting morecross examinations.
I do know that from my law andorder SVU knowledge.
I hope you loved the episodeand thanks for listening and
please always remember it's hisloss listening and please always
(23:18):
remember it's his loss.
I'm sorry, but the person youcalled has a voicemail box that
has not been set up yet.
Goodbye.
the number cannot be reached now, please hang up and
try again later.
Welcome back to His LossHotline, where heartbreak gets
(00:30):
cross-examined and delusion isdismissed and your ex is
officially on trial.
I'm obviously Kelly, if youdidn't know that by now.
I'm obviously Kelly, if youdidn't know that by now.
Your host, but also yourbreakup best friend, I guess.
And today your judge, your juryand your emotional executioner.
(00:55):
Dun-dun, I bought a littlefuck-ass gavel.
Amazon really has got thatstuff.
If I was going to do a videorecording of my podcast, I would
have bought one of those fuckass uk wigs, um, you know, the
ones that look like georgewashington.
Yeah, I would have been iconic,but we're not there yet.
(01:16):
But today you've enteredbreakup court.
Should I?
Should I do the fuck ass gavelagain?
It doesn't really sound likewhat it does on, like law and
order.
Oh, okay, maybe it does.
That might have been reallyloud, um, but uh, let the record
(01:37):
show.
I've got my gavel, obviouslyfrom amazon.
Um, it's really cheap too.
Um, my iced coffee and uh,pretty much zero patience for
situationship bullshit.
But uh, yeah, I wish I waswearing the robe and the george
(01:57):
washington wig, but uh, I'm not.
But I'll still judge your cases.
But here's how it works yousend me your cases and I read
the evidence and then I issue averdict.
This is 100% legally binding,but only in the court of public
(02:18):
opinion, because I'm no expertand don't sue me in any sense of
the word.
And yeah, so let's proceed.
I'm trying to also be a littlebit more dramatic in this
episode because, uh, let's bereal.
Here we're in court, so, uh,let's get fucking examined.
(02:42):
No, that sounds weird.
Let's get I don't know what isthe word prosecuted, that
doesn't.
I don't know.
Whatever, let's proceed.
Let's start strong, okay, witha story.
I really, when I read this, Iwas like holy, fucking shit.
(03:03):
Um, and I'm naming them or I'mtrying to, but this one's called
the cat napping and gaslighting.
I really tried to rhyme thingsthat didn't rhyme at all, but
whatever, I don't fucking care.
But this is like truly readslike a psychological thriller or
warfare, I'm not really sure.
(03:23):
So here's the submission, hey,kelly.
So I was with this guy for threeyears.
We lived together for the lastyear and I had a cat that I
adopted before we met.
After we broke up, I told himhe could come grab his stuff
while I was at work.
To avoid a scene, he took hisPS5 and my cat Just left a note
(03:48):
saying he thought he'd be she'dbe better off with him because I
seemed too emotional.
Lately I freaked out, called,texted, even drove to his new
place.
He blocked me.
I finally got her back afterhis new girlfriend messaged me,
feeling bad three, three monthslater, holy shit.
Meanwhile he's telling peopleI'm unstable for harassing him
(04:14):
Like I didn't just want my catback.
Okay, so, first of all, what theactual fuck?
Second, emotional instabilityfor wanting your own living,
breathing cat.
You're actually you're jokingLike my ex was like oh, you can
(04:36):
have, you can have.
We shared a dog.
Well, I still have her.
Her name's Roxy, but she's myemotional support dog, uh,
legally.
So I was like there's gonna beno fight here.
Um, I legally own her.
So, whatever you want to dowith that information, you can.
But I would have fought forRoxy all day, all day long,
(05:00):
because, honestly, pets are partof the family.
Duh, most of the time, rightnow, pets are actually replacing
children with because no onecan afford shit.
We can kind of afford pets, butlet's be real here.
Um, but uh, yeah, I would beunwell.
I would be unwell too, babes.
(05:23):
Um, also, like to steal a cat, Ithink is fucking crazy.
Like he didn't do it for likeyour cat's own good.
He took it because, like hephysically could remove
something from your life.
And like disguised control asconcern, so like it's bullshit.
(05:50):
Essentially, like weaponizingyour emotions so that when you
react like a normal human being,he gets to sit there and say
like oh, she's so crazy.
I'm so calm and collected, like, shut the fuck up.
You stole a fucking cat.
(06:10):
My verdict Okay, I hope this isnot too loud.
That was really fucking loud.
I don't know if it's coming offloud or not.
I don't know how judges do it,but guilty in all counts
Gaslighting, catnapping, I don'tknow.
Slander, I guess.
Is that what we're calling it?
(06:31):
My sentence 100 hours ofsupervised community service in
a vet's office, um, but Iwouldn't want to do that to
anyone's vet office.
Um, because they're true,they're true heroes.
Um, so you're just gonna betrash, essentially, um, the
(06:52):
man's gonna be trash, obviously,um, but he from now on will be
referred to as the man who stolea cat in a breakup for the rest
of his life.
And, uh, I would love a publicapology.
Um, and shame.
You know that?
What like one?
Um, that one scene from Ialmost said lord of the rings,
(07:15):
oh, from I almost said Lord ofthe Rings, oh my God.
I almost said Lord of the Flies.
That's a book, holy shit.
What is the one with the frostgiant?
Not the frost giant, the frostking?
Oh shit, I got to look this up.
Hold on, hold on Game ofThrones.
My bad, it's been a hot secsince I watched Game of Thrones,
but 10 out of 10 except seasonI think it was eight, the last
(07:39):
season Trash.
But they always go shame, shame,shame.
So like, make that his ringtoneor just keep him blocked.
Actually, no, just keep himblocked.
Holy fucking shit.
But yeah, you don't deserve.
Don't deserve that, babes.
I'm so sorry that happened, butat least you got your cat back.
Um, so this next one is alsocrazy.
(08:04):
They just keep getting worse.
Okay, um, I'm gonna call it.
You're not my girlfriend, butcan you sign this?
Um?
So this is what the submissionreads.
We were in a situationship forlike nine months.
He kept saying he wasn't readyfor a relationship, but we acted
like one Dates, sleepovers,emotional support, all of it.
(08:26):
I even helped him rewrite hisresume after he got laid off.
Girl, you're better than me.
Then, out of nowhere, nowhere,he asked to co-sign on his lease
.
Holy fuck, not move in, justsign.
Oh, I said no and he said I wasabandoning him and clearly
didn't care.
Then he ghosted me.
(08:47):
Two weeks later, two weeks isin all cap, all caps.
Um, he posted some girl softlaunch style in the apartment.
I'm unwell.
I'm unwell too, babes.
Like, sir, make it make sense.
You won't commit to to her, tothe title, but like you'll
(09:15):
commit to a legally binding,like financial obligation as a
lease, or like ruining hercredit or some shit.
He literally like in my opinionwas like saying he's
emotionally unavailable, butlike let me ruin your financial
(09:38):
life real quick.
Like, get the fuck out of here.
Get the fuck out of here, um.
But let's be clear here thiswasn't romance.
This was either a go fund medisguised as a situation ship um
, because he wanted a sponsor,or he wanted his mommy, because
(09:59):
that's what it truly sounds like.
I'm not saying anything.
In my old relationship, um waslike this, but it was exactly
like this.
He wanted a mommy, not apartner.
What?
Who said that?
That was crazy.
My verdict Guilty.
Am I supposed to do that afterI don't know.
(10:21):
I think I need to watch more TVinstead of doom scrolling
TikTok.
And I was going to lie and sayInstagram, but I'm never really
on there.
I was gonna lie and sayInstagram, but I'm never really
on there.
Let's be real, I'm on TikTok inan insane amount.
An insane amount, but also it'slike for my job, so that's my
(10:41):
excuse.
Um, his sentence he must nowco-sign his mom's lease because
he wants a mommy and explain toall future dates why he's.
I'm gonna make up a number here, like 34 and still asking women
to help with the rest hisresume and job applications.
(11:04):
Um, but like, let's be real,here he was using you for your
credit score because his wasprobably fucking ass.
So sorry babes, god, reallythese submissions are.
(11:25):
They kill me.
They kill me.
This one case three isdiabolical, diabolical.
The wedding invite that shouldhave been a restraining order,
crazy, okay, so the submissiongoes.
Okay.
My ex of four years all capsbroke up with me via text.
(11:46):
Six months later I get aninvite to his wedding, like a
formal mailed invite, with alittle handwritten note that
said hope you can come.
I didn't respond.
You are mature and incrediblefor that.
He followed up saying he'd loveif he, if I, could help pick
(12:06):
the playlist and give input,since I always had good taste.
I said absolutely not and hereplied that I was being bitter
and clearly hadn't grown sincethe breakup.
Sir, be serious.
Okay, haven't grown.
You're fucking with me, right?
Also, it's been six months andyou're already like, engaged in
(12:31):
getting married.
That's's wild.
That's wild also imagine likeinviting someone you dumped via
text to your wedding and thenlike acting shocked that they
don't want to choose your shitass music.
Like you know, it's gonna besome.
Like I love bruno mars, buthe's so overplayed at um
(12:54):
weddings and ed sheeran don'tlove him as much, but you know
he's friends with taylor swift,so that's okay, um.
Or like the classic classicwhite people, you know, shut up
and dance that song.
Or Sweet Caroline oh, classic,but Verdict Guilty, guilty of
(13:18):
delusion, weaponized flatteryand I'm going to say like
emotional fraud and his sentenceMay his wedding playlist only
contain Ed Sheeran songs.
No skips, sucks to suck, sorry,ed sheeran.
(13:39):
Okay, exhibit four is it exhibitfour?
Case four, close enough, Idon't know.
I'm not a fucking lawyer, guys.
Um, I'm a judge.
But uh, after a breakup, my exmailed me an actual invoice for
expenses he claimed he spent onme during our relationship
(14:00):
Dinners, gas, even the Christmasgift he bought me.
It totaled $1,242.
He said if I didn't pay himback he'd take legal action
against me.
I ignored it.
He then, venmo, requested mefor the same amount with a note
saying time to be an adult.
Okay, girl, this is so similarto what my ex tried to do to me.
(14:26):
Um, he well, first off, he triedto get alimony in our year and
a half.
Um, alimony in our year and ahalf, like a year and a half of
marriage, which in Californiayou really only get alimony if
you've been married for 10 years.
Babes, we were married for ayear and a half and he only was
(14:46):
trying to get alimony because hewas a broke bitch.
He was a broke bitch, but also,we'll go back.
We'll go back to your case.
This is not my case, but reallyreally saw some similarities
right there.
Okay, first of all, a fuckinginvoice.
(15:09):
What are we like?
You're not a business, okay,fuck off.
What are we like?
You're not a business, okay,fuck off.
And like you couldn't just textit but a printed document and
with, I'm assuming, line items.
There was no picture involvedin this submission.
But like you think he like usedmicrosoft word or like used a
(15:30):
canva template, because that'sfucking insane, dude.
Also, like, imagine openingyour mail and you're expecting,
like whatever the fuck, ananthropology catalog or what's
another place bed, bath andbeyond like coup and you get a
(15:53):
bill for gas money from like2022.
Like, be so fucking for realright now.
Also, let's talk about thatVenmo note.
I think that's so funny.
Not that he put time to be anadult, but the only contact I
have with my ex is through email, um, which is an email I don't
(16:18):
use.
It's pretty much nolan void,but we have a loan together and
um venmo.
So I understand the stupidpetty venmo shit more than you
know, girl, but uh, time to bean adult.
What, sir?
If adulthood was like invoicingyour ex for like mozzarella
(16:43):
sticks, then none of us wouldexist.
Be so fucking for real rightnow.
Why is this like making meangry?
Um verdict, guilty, guilty ofextortion I know big words, guys
um fraud, fraud and um being afucking clown.
(17:08):
Like what else?
What else?
Um sentence?
You must reimburse every womanuh he's ever dated.
He must uh with interest for,I'm assuming, time therapy and,
uh, whatever else.
They wasted on him, holyfucking fucking shit, and work
(17:31):
customer service at crackerbarrel for one year, so he truly
understands the costs of meals.
I don't know, I don't want toinsult like chili's or something
, because chili's has the.
What is that?
The four for four?
I don Whatever.
(17:52):
The mozzarella sticks are bombthere.
So I'm not going to, I'm notgoing to call them out, because
I love them.
Well, I've had them like oncein the past two years, but I
still love them.
Okay, we have our last andfinal submission for this
episode.
This one's a doozy.
So my ex moved out after ourbreakup but somehow kept my name
(18:18):
on the electric and internetbills for four months.
I didn't notice right awaybecause it was paying auto pay
and I was just assuming thecharges were mine.
I only found out when I calledthe internet company about an
outage and they said the addresson file was his new apartment.
When I confronted him he saidwell, I just figured you
(18:41):
wouldn't mind, since you have agood job, are you fucking?
Oh my God, why does that Like?
I think my blood is boiling.
I don't know, is that beingdramatic A little bit?
First off, a good job.
I'm not a like you're sorry, Ialmost said I'm not a You're.
You're not like a bank, anonprofit, like you have your
(19:06):
own bank account.
Babes, like fuck off with thatbullshit.
My bank account is not like acommunity resource, nor should
it be.
Also, like the entitlement ofassuming someone's going to
sponsor your like utilities postbreakup I think is insane, like
(19:28):
truly, I feel like this is likefinancial manipulation with
like laziness essentially, does.
The question I really want toknow is like a follow up Does
this man even have a job?
Because it feels like it feelslike he doesn't.
But my verdict guilty'll notice.
(19:52):
They're all guilty becausethese submissions wild, but uh,
I'm gonna say guilty of being aleech, a mooch, we're gonna call
mooch um.
Unauthorized utility usage,obviously, and weaponized
incompetence a classic favoriteof a lot of, actually all of
(20:13):
these men, a lot of themactually Sentence you must live
without Wi-Fi for an entire yearand explain to every date why
he's streaming, why they'restreaming TV on a cracked iPhone
with one bar of service.
I think that's absolutelydiabolical.
He did that to you also.
(20:35):
Like when it comes to money,yeah, that is so fucked, that's
so fucked.
Okay, like my.
These are my final rulings.
But, uh, I know I know breakupsalready hurt, but like they
don't need to come with theseside quests of like stupid shit
(20:55):
like theft or invoices, or likewedding dj, what is that called
consultations?
Also, you're not crazy forreacting to mistreatment and
you're also, like, not bitterfor refusing to participate in
someone's revisionist historyand you're also not cold for
(21:23):
protecting your peace, becausethat is some utter bullshit
there.
But that's it today for today'sbreakup court.
Oh, that one, I think, soundedkind of good, but we'll see in
post, whatever.
But next week we're steppingout of the courtroom and
straight into a reality check,which I think is messed up of me
(21:48):
, but I need it.
So it's called If he called, ifhe wanted to, he would, but he
didn't.
Yeah, just let that sink in AKA,the episode that might actually
make you finally stop decodingmixed signals Like it's a
full-time job.
Um, and the lessons I learnedin the saying if he wanted to,
(22:09):
he would.
We're talking bread crumbing,bare minimum energy, and why.
Why you already have youranswer, even if you hate it,
unfortunately, because I saw itand now you get to see it.
Um, if you love today's chaos,send it to your group chat.
(22:32):
Please leave a five star ratingand follow us on tiktok and
instagram at girl hang up forall things chaos and hot takes
and whatever the fuck else.
I feel like sharing because Idon't have a plan and it's kind
of fun.
I feel like sharing because Idon't have a plan and it's kind
(22:57):
of fun.
But also I will be posting morecross examinations.
I do know that from my law andorder SVU knowledge.
I hope you loved the episodeand thanks for listening and
please always remember it's hisloss listening and please always
(23:18):
remember it's his loss.
I'm sorry, but the person youcalled has a voicemail box that
has not been set up yet.
Goodbye.
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