August 12, 2025 • 32 mins
Before the podcast. Before the brand. Before the healing ever started. I was just a 27-year-old trying to make it through the day.
In this first episode of His Loss Hotline, I’m sharing what really happened. How the marriage ended. What it felt like to leave someone who kept breaking me. And how Girl, Hang Up became the thing I built when I had nothing else.
This didn’t come from clarity. It came from chaos.
And this podcast is for anyone who’s still in the middle of it.
If you’ve ever begged for bare minimum, second-guessed your sanity, or lost yourself just trying to keep someone else happy, you’re not alone.
I am just being real and I’m talking about it.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Kelly (00:09):
the number cannot be reached now.
Please hang up and try againlater.
So, okay, I, uh, I guess we'refucking doing this.
Welcome to his loss hotline.
(00:33):
Yeah, maybe I'll like, in post,add some like cheering or some
shit.
Um, I don't really have like theperfect tagline for this or for
you, but it's a podcast andit's about essentially, breakups
, spirals, healing and talkingabout that one ex who genuinely
(01:01):
made you question whether youwere the problem or you know,
just finally seeing the truth.
You weren't, though spoileralert, you fucking weren't.
Um, I can already tell.
Well, actually I don't know,but, like, maybe, if you tell me
your situation, it most likelywasn't you babes, um, um, but uh
(01:22):
, I'm kelly, your exes and alsomy ex's worst nightmare, your
breakup bestie and, uh,unfortunately, your proof that
you can get married and getdivorced and, you know, start a
podcast about it.
But uh, yeah, this is for the,the girlies, the gays and the
(01:48):
days, and if you've ever staredat your phone mid anxiety spiral
, wondering truly, if you, ifyou're losing your mind because,
uh, same, but uh, if you ever,it's, also, if you've ever loved
somebody so much you forget howto love yourself, because, also
(02:10):
same, unfortunately.
But uh, we're gonna start here.
We're gonna start with my storyhow we got here, why I created
girl hang up, why the fuck Istayed, but also why I left, and
uh, why this pod, kit whoa, andwhy this podcast exists at all.
(02:35):
Um, so, uh, let's get into it.
It's gonna get crazy.
I'm excited so, honestly, thistragic story, I don't know
tragedy.
Well, divorce is cunty but, um,also tragic in a way.
(02:57):
But, uh, it starts off in apretty tragic way.
We met on hinge.
Yeah, yeah, that, that fuck assapp dude.
Getting back on there afterbeing not being on it for so
long, I forgot how much I hateit and how much the likes you
know, you know the hinge likesyou get.
It's honestly offensive likeit's offensive.
(03:20):
Like, don't ever show me thathinge.
I think your algorithm isfucked.
But, um, you know, if they everwant a sponsorship, I'll say
it's decent ish, maybe notreally.
I don't think I would lie.
I, I don't think I could do it,even if it was money.
(03:41):
But uh, yeah, it was a modernlove story, I guess.
Truly, it wasn't love, not likethe healthy, healthy kind
anyway, even though I thought itwas.
But at that time it felt easy.
He was kind of hard to read,which made him seem deep in a
(04:05):
way, which fucking hilarious inhindsight because I'm not even
sure that man ever read a book,like truly read a book, like I
truly think the only thing heread was like an Xbox game, like
the, like the little one ofthose inserts called those
(04:25):
little game sayings.
I think that's the only thinghe fucking read.
But like, he told me he wasemotionally mature, he told me
he wanted real love.
But uh, looking back, he likerarely gave me words of
affirmation like ever, whichthat might not be his love
(04:48):
language, but it's somethingthat I, you know, eventually had
to ask him, like how he feltabout me, or if he thought I was
, you know, pretty, or like Iwas like begging for just like
these little tiny and he crumbs,like he gave me just enough to
stay, like a few cute dates,like here and there A joke that
(05:16):
made me laugh, and like laughingwith him felt really important
at the time.
It felt easy Because I think Iwas like trying so hard to
convince myself it was working,um, but he wasn't pouring into
me and I didn't obviously didn'tsee it clearly then because I
(05:38):
stayed.
I saw it clearly after mydivorce.
But I think I stayed because,honestly, my self-esteem was so
low, um, lower than I thought orrealized, and honestly, because
I thought if I just loved himthe right way, it would get
(05:59):
better, it would be healthy, itwould just be everything that I
needed it to be.
Um, but, uh, if you couldn'ttell, because we're sitting here
talking about divorce isspoiler it didn't happen.
So, but, yeah, the beginning ofour relationship was semi good,
(06:23):
I guess, um, and then you know,we got engaged.
Um, then, I think a year later,we got married.
So we had been together, Ithink a total of five and a half
years or something.
I might be botching that, but,um, but like a year and a half
(06:45):
into our marriage, heessentially hit me with an
ultimatum Um, like out of theblue, truly, there was like no
conversation, no, like warningsigns, just like if this doesn't
improve by the end of our leaseand he was telling me this, I
think in June I'm not sure theexact year because it all blends
(07:09):
together at this point, butmaybe it was 2024.
If it doesn't get better by theend of the lease, which was in
February 2025, we're going tohave some know conversations
about our relationship and wherethis is going and all that
(07:30):
thing.
And I literally had, first off,no idea what the fuck he was
talking about and second, like Istarted to panic.
I had a panic attack like fullbody panic attack, like shaking,
couldn't breathe.
I didn't know what washappening.
Essentially, my marriage wasfalling apart right in front of
(07:52):
my eyes and I had no fuckingidea how we got to this place,
what was happening, like so manydifferent things.
Like so many different things.
Um and I this is probably for alittle bit later, but he texted
(08:13):
his ex-girlfriend about my panicattack and pretty much said
that he thinks that I blame mymental health or lean on it too
much, and literally gave herlike a play-by-play of my panic
attack, like it was gossip andthat it was okay to share that.
Like that is extremely personal.
(08:35):
If you've ever had a panicattack and the last panic attack
I think I had was in college,which it had it's been a hot sec
.
Um, so, long story short, Ifound messages later of him
texting his ex before this.
Um, like sometimes, he said,sometimes I think, what if?
(08:59):
To her?
Like alluding to like what ifthey ended up together, which I
thought was so fucked up becauseyou were literally what married
to me you ended up with.
You know me, so it's kind oflike a little.
Another like part of the storyis like I confronted him about
(09:22):
it and he refused to block her,even though originally I it, and
he refused to block her, eventhough originally I didn't want
him to block her because Ididn't want to be controlling or
anything.
But essentially he started orwas emotionally cheating on me
with her um, looking at some ofthe text messages, and then he
(09:43):
ended up after I asked him toblock her, after I found out
that he had Instagram DM, dm toher something that said like you
can only relate to someone whoreally, like, understands you
and you only really understandme, or something, something
crazy like that.
I was like can you block her?
Because I don't think that'sappropriate, and the wording I
(10:06):
literally used was that isdisgusting, that is disgusting,
and he refused.
He refused essentially, said Iwas overreacting, that I was
crazy.
He never would emotionallycheat on me and it wasn't
(10:27):
emotionally cheating and, uh,essentially made me feel insane
for being hurt.
So which was like obvious,classic, like gaslighting.
But it worked for a while and Istarted to believe him, but
like.
But it worked for a while and Istarted to believe him, but,
(10:47):
like, after this startedhappening and this, like he's
giving me the ultimatum, andthen I found out about this girl
.
I still tried to fix it.
You know, I'm not going to runaway from my marriage.
I know that was kind of notthat it was stupid, but like I
loved this person, like I wanteda future with this person.
(11:08):
And also, side note, we willnever be mentioning his name.
He will go by Voldemort, aka hewho shall not be named.
But like I was thinking, peoplego through hard seasons, like
this is just a hard season.
We'll go.
How about we do couples therapy?
We'll talk it out and we'llreally, you know, grow from it
(11:31):
as a couple.
Um, which he agreed to couplescounseling, which I took as a
win, um, he literally did twosessions.
He literally did two sessions.
Two sessions there was one withme and one without me, because
(11:51):
the therapist wanted to see himalone to really get a gauge on
him.
And, uh, yeah, he.
Then, essentially, by that timeI had offered him up my spot of
therapy because at that time Iwas seeing two different
therapists twice a week andtalking to his mentor to really
(12:14):
try to figure out how I can fixthe marriage or we can fix the
marriage.
But it was just essentially meputting in the work.
But I offered it to him becausehe was on my health insurance
and I said, here, totally, youcan take the spot, I know you
have a lot to talk about withhim if you don't want to do
(12:35):
couples counseling.
And he refused.
He said no, he had nothing leftto say.
He said that he wouldn't evenknow what to say to the
therapist at all because hedoesn't bring his this is word
for word, he doesn't bring histrauma into his relationships.
And I said, wow, okay, in myhead I said what the actual,
(13:00):
actual fuck, that's exactlywhat's happening here.
But uh, yeah, he didn't want togo back, didn't see the point.
Um, I, I was shocked, truly, Iwas unraveling.
I was still trying to fix ourrelationship because I loved him
(13:21):
and I wanted him to get help.
I wanted to get help.
I wanted our relationship toget help.
Um, he didn't have the healthinsurance cause he only worked
part time.
Um, which is hilarious becausehe later blamed me for that,
because he literally said in atext messages.
A text message that he nevergot a full time job, um, because
(13:45):
and it was my fault, because Iwanted him to be happy.
That is literally the words mytherapist said he's, he's been
in therapy or like, done therapyfor 30 to 40 years.
He said he's never heard thatin his 30 to 40 years.
I said you're welcome, I'm fullof them, but anyway, yeah, he
(14:07):
refused to help.
He shut down, he startedlocking his iPad, not sharing
any of his passwords Well,changed them all Hiding things,
he turned off his location.
I think the most hurtful for mewas sending screenshots of our
text messages to mutual friendsto make me look like the bad guy
, um, and like I won't even saythe wording that he used, but
(14:33):
like, truly, I was devastated,um, of what he was saying about
me to people, trying to paint meas this evil, evil person and
like he just wanted sympathy andhe got it out of some people,
not our mutual friends, but heliterally was reaching out to my
friends trying to paint me asthis evil person and that was
(14:57):
fucking insane.
Insane to me, because all hewanted was support and love and
he got some of it, but somepeople called him all on his
bullshit and for that I love youguys.
But from the outside, like hetruly looked fine, but like like
(15:20):
I was falling apart, I was theone that felt like what is
happening?
This is my marriage.
I literally think I cried everysingle day for months at this
point, in the car, in the shower.
Taylor Swift was honestly mybest friend, um, and I think the
(15:44):
biggest place I cried was thecloset of our apartment, because
that was the only place I couldcall my mom without him hearing
.
So I spent so many nights, likehours, on the phone with my mom
Thank you, shout out to my mom,I love you Talking about what
(16:07):
he said about me that day, whathe was doing, all of the
horrible things that werehappening that I won't even get
into because I think this wouldend up being too long of a
podcast and I'm definitelyskipping over some really crazy
things that happened and he did.
That would give a little bitmore context, but I don't
necessarily want to go into allof that.
My therapist has already heardall of those things.
(16:29):
So and y'all aren't mytherapist, but I can appreciate
a listening ear but I like whenthis was all happening, I
couldn't eat, or then I wouldbinge eat and then I like
couldn't sleep, or then I likeslept too much, um, and I like
(16:51):
kind of felt like a ghost in mylife, like a ghost of the
version of myself.
I didn't know what the fuck washappening.
My marriage was going down thedrain.
I literally tried to, like talkto him.
He either would shut it down orflip it.
He always said I was the problemand to this day he's never
(17:12):
taken accountability.
He always blamed it on his ADHDor his trauma or like truly
whatever else that he couldreach for.
That's what he did.
I sat him down so many timesand tried to hold space for him.
I asked him what he needed,asked him how to help, and he
(17:35):
gave me nothing.
He couldn't give me anyexamples of what I did wrong.
It was just like he wasnon-responsive to some things
and to others it was me beingthe villain, even though that
was not the truth, even a littlebit.
And truly, my therapist, hismentor actually two therapists
(17:58):
and his mentor said essentiallythat he was delusional and he
had the emotional word for word.
His mentor said the emotionalintelligence of a 12-year-old,
which I did not say that, but Iwas like, oh, things can get
(18:22):
worse.
You know, it got worse.
It got so much fucking worse.
It wasn't just like emotionalchaos, but then it like became
physical intimidation.
So he never hit me, but he'dyell in my face, he would get in
my space.
I remember one night he chargedat me in an argument um, so fast
(18:48):
, I mean, I remember it sovividly, he charged me so fast
and literally like he was goingto hit me, that I out loud said
like are you going to hit meright now?
Um, and like the fact that Ieven had to ask that is crazy.
Um, another time he shoved adoor into me to force me out of
(19:10):
the room.
Um, because we were having anargument, because we couldn't
even have conversations, becausehe just didn't want to have
them, he would just shut it down.
Um, and then he like had theaudacity to tell me like he felt
unsafe because I was reactingor crying, or like honestly, it
(19:32):
felt like existing was a problem.
It was like such a fucking mind, fuck the gaslighting constant.
And like the worst part is likehe really believed it, like he
was so, so sure it was all myfault, all my fault, and like
(19:55):
for a while I believed it toobecause I'm a codependent and I
also, you know, struggle withbeing a people pleaser that I
was starting to believe that youknow somebody who loves me this
much.
You know it must be true, itmust be true.
And like going through therapyand going through, you know,
(20:16):
talking to his mentor andeverything, like they were like
no, that's not the truth, kelly.
Like he's living in delusions,unfortunately.
But like, after all this,eventually, like I broke and I
(20:37):
couldn't do it anymore.
I didn't leave because I gaveup.
I left because I was the onlyone still trying and I couldn't
keep trying to essentially savesomething that was erasing me as
a person.
(20:58):
Even before I said I want adivorce to him, I saw text
messages that he was sending hisfriends and I don't think he
even knows this but like I sawhim send those things of like
this is over, she's this person.
Like it will never be the same.
Like and I mentioned that whenI said like I want a, want a
(21:19):
divorce, I said you've alreadytold people that.
Like you want that.
And he's like no, I didn't, Iwould never say that.
And like he said that I've readit, I saw it with my own eyes,
and so that was really difficult.
But, like I, I didn't want todo it, but I I had to.
(21:41):
When someone runs away from amarriage, what else?
What else can you do?
So you know, I started theprocess.
I filed for divorce.
Um, I essentially said we needto break the lease.
Um, also, filing for divorcequick side note takes like
minimum six months in california, which is fucking insane, but I
(22:09):
guess they do it to to like bedifficult, I guess in a way.
But whatever, um, but after allof this and all the trauma and
everything going on, I thoughtlike now, what the fuck do I do?
Because it wasn't like just mymarriage ending, it was like the
(22:31):
version of me that I thoughtcould fix all of this.
Um, the version of me that alsolike took all the blame and
like essentially begged someoneto choose her and then stayed
when they didn't.
This is like the first timeI've ever really chosen myself
(22:53):
in a way.
As like cliche as that sounds.
But you know, going throughtherapy and everything, my
therapist suggested divorcerecovery group.
I said, okay, what the fuck isthat?
So I googled them.
Fuck, they were all like 50year old women talking like
(23:14):
about alimony and shared custodyand real estate and like court
shit and like I love thosewomen's slay, girly, slay.
I was so cringe but whatever.
Um, but like I couldn't relate.
I was like a 27 year old with ahusband, or soon to be
ex-husband, who couldn't get afull-time job, we didn't own a
(23:38):
house, we didn't have kids,thank, and I was grieving a man
who had the emotionalintelligence of a 12-year-old
and rage quit Xbox games at Idon't know 2 or 3 am Like there
(23:59):
was no space for me in that Icouldn't relate to them.
And there was also like noguide for what to do when you're
20 something, divorcee, cryingon the floor and like trying to
figure shit out.
And there's also like nocommunity for it.
So I said why don't I justcreate one?
(24:20):
Which is crazy.
But yeah, that's what'shappening happening.
So like, girl, hang up wasn'tlike this cute idea, it was a,
it was a breakdown.
It came from, essentially, thecloset I cried in every night.
Um, from the notes app, likeeverything he did to me has done
(24:43):
to me, um, the voice memos.
I never sent the, the rage, the, the fucking grief, the, the
guilt, the, the pain, the, thefucking stupid jokes I always
make about it and like the humorof it all, because it is
(25:04):
humorous getting divorced alittle bit the way I'd say I
miss him and then you know Iwouldn't.
It's just like going throughthat.
But I didn't want, like anotherwoman, to like sit in silence
and think maybe it was just me,or like am I alone?
Is this what I want?
(25:25):
Like really trying to figureout what the fuck you are doing,
because A it wasn't just youand B you should be in community
.
So I said I'm going to makethat.
So, uh, on top of girl, hang up.
I was like okay.
So, uh, on top of girl, hang up.
(25:50):
I was like okay, let's alsomake a podcast.
So here we are.
Uh, his loss hotline.
It's kind of the podcast I wishexisted.
When I was in the middle of it,when I couldn't eat or couldn't
sleep and like every answeronline was like some bullshit
answer and I hated every fuckingthing that I saw.
Um, I'm like, yay, you're doingit.
(26:12):
Like I wanted something real.
Um, but like the his losshotline is not about being
perfectly healed, like we'll,we're never going to be
perfectly healed, about beingperfectly healed.
We're never going to beperfectly healed and it's not
(26:33):
therapy speak, unless we bringon an actual therapist.
And it's also not like how-toguide of how steps to closure,
like 10 steps.
Here's the 10 steps I can giveyou for full closure and you'll
be fine.
It's fuck.
I stayed too long or I missedsomeone who treated me like shit
.
I still think about texting himor why am I crying right now?
(26:57):
I blocked him and thenre-blocked him and then
unblocked him again, him andthen re-blocked him and then
unblocked him again.
Or I know he was bad for me,but I still loved him.
There's so many differentaspects of that that I think
need to be talked about and noone talks about the messy middle
(27:17):
.
And even on the other side ofthings I feel like I've healed a
lot and it's still messy.
Healing is messy, grief ismessy and there's no timeline
for it.
But, like, the show is allabout honesty and the mess and
the unhinged, but also thehealing and how you deal with
(27:37):
those things and being incommunity with the girlies and
truly feeling seen and heard,and that's what I wanted to
create.
But, like, right now, if you'rein it, if you're in the grief
and the bullshit and the spiraland kind of the silence that
feels a little bit like louderthan anything else.
(27:58):
Just know, like and this isjust a reminder for me and for
you you're not alone, you didn'truin it, you didn't deserve it
and you're not hard to love.
You were just loving someonewho couldn't meet you where you
were, unfortunately, and I'mthere, or I was there, and I
(28:24):
just really want people to knowlike leaving wasn't giving up on
on yourself or the marriage.
It was like remembering who thefuck you are and like finally
putting yourself first for once.
But but that was kind of thefirst episode of His His Hotline
(28:45):
.
I know it was a little unhinged, maybe a little emotional for
the girlies.
I know I joke a lot and that'sjust how I deal with my grief
and my trauma is I joke a lot.
Any of my friends can attest tothat and there's a lot of me
(29:08):
talking, um, but you know it'skind of the reason for a podcast
.
If you hate it, I'm so sorry,um, but uh, yeah, follow, girl,
hang up on Tik TOK and Instagram.
Know, chaos, because alwaysemotional support, unhinged
(29:30):
memes and whoa, I said memes,weird memes.
And yeah, I'll definitely beonline because I'm an internet
girly at heart, like my friends.
Literally, we joke around.
You know how people say they'relike chronically online.
I say we used to say I'mcriminally online, but now we
say I'm federally online.
(29:51):
So, um, yeah, reach out, um,follow us.
You can also send your ownstory for the show anonymously.
Um, because we got a lot ofstuff coming up like divorce
confessions, dating confessions,um, and even something called
breakup court, which I'm veryexcited about.
(30:12):
I even bought one of thosefuck-ass little gavels.
I almost bought a wig but like,uh, the uk wigs where they like
I don't know they they wearthose like weird George
Washington wigs.
No offense to UK people if thispodcast gets over there, but
(30:33):
yeah, we have breakup courtupcoming and yeah, I just want
everyone to know like thispodcast is about support and
connection and like chaos andhealing and not feeling alone in
whatever bullshit you've gonethrough.
And it doesn't have to be justdivorce.
It can be a situation, ship or10 years of like.
(30:59):
What is it called?
Like a common law marriage,it's okay if it's your morning.
A relationship that you had fortwo years or one year or maybe
six months, that's okay.
We're all grieving differentthings and all kind of being
unhinged together in a way, butit's for all of us together in a
(31:27):
way, but it's for all of us, um.
But uh, new episodes drop everytuesday, so follow wherever you
listen.
I won't judge you if it's likeapple podcasts or whatever, um,
and then, if you want to, youcould post this episode on your
story or um, just share it,maybe, rate it.
Please rate it.
Well, if you're going to I'mnot like begging, but I low-key
(31:52):
a little bit am, but I just wantthe girlies to find the hotline
.
So, yeah, share wherever youcan and remember it's his loss.
I'm sorry, but the person youcalled has a voicemail box that
has not been set up yet.
Goodbye.
the number cannot be reached now.
Please hang up and try againlater.
So, okay, I, uh, I guess we'refucking doing this.
Welcome to his loss hotline.
(00:33):
Yeah, maybe I'll like, in post,add some like cheering or some
shit.
Um, I don't really have like theperfect tagline for this or for
you, but it's a podcast andit's about essentially, breakups
, spirals, healing and talkingabout that one ex who genuinely
(01:01):
made you question whether youwere the problem or you know,
just finally seeing the truth.
You weren't, though spoileralert, you fucking weren't.
Um, I can already tell.
Well, actually I don't know,but, like, maybe, if you tell me
your situation, it most likelywasn't you babes, um, um, but uh
(01:22):
, I'm kelly, your exes and alsomy ex's worst nightmare, your
breakup bestie and, uh,unfortunately, your proof that
you can get married and getdivorced and, you know, start a
podcast about it.
But uh, yeah, this is for the,the girlies, the gays and the
(01:48):
days, and if you've ever staredat your phone mid anxiety spiral
, wondering truly, if you, ifyou're losing your mind because,
uh, same, but uh, if you ever,it's, also, if you've ever loved
somebody so much you forget howto love yourself, because, also
(02:10):
same, unfortunately.
But uh, we're gonna start here.
We're gonna start with my storyhow we got here, why I created
girl hang up, why the fuck Istayed, but also why I left, and
uh, why this pod, kit whoa, andwhy this podcast exists at all.
(02:35):
Um, so, uh, let's get into it.
It's gonna get crazy.
I'm excited so, honestly, thistragic story, I don't know
tragedy.
Well, divorce is cunty but, um,also tragic in a way.
(02:57):
But, uh, it starts off in apretty tragic way.
We met on hinge.
Yeah, yeah, that, that fuck assapp dude.
Getting back on there afterbeing not being on it for so
long, I forgot how much I hateit and how much the likes you
know, you know the hinge likesyou get.
It's honestly offensive likeit's offensive.
(03:20):
Like, don't ever show me thathinge.
I think your algorithm isfucked.
But, um, you know, if they everwant a sponsorship, I'll say
it's decent ish, maybe notreally.
I don't think I would lie.
I, I don't think I could do it,even if it was money.
(03:41):
But uh, yeah, it was a modernlove story, I guess.
Truly, it wasn't love, not likethe healthy, healthy kind
anyway, even though I thought itwas.
But at that time it felt easy.
He was kind of hard to read,which made him seem deep in a
(04:05):
way, which fucking hilarious inhindsight because I'm not even
sure that man ever read a book,like truly read a book, like I
truly think the only thing heread was like an Xbox game, like
the, like the little one ofthose inserts called those
(04:25):
little game sayings.
I think that's the only thinghe fucking read.
But like, he told me he wasemotionally mature, he told me
he wanted real love.
But uh, looking back, he likerarely gave me words of
affirmation like ever, whichthat might not be his love
(04:48):
language, but it's somethingthat I, you know, eventually had
to ask him, like how he feltabout me, or if he thought I was
, you know, pretty, or like Iwas like begging for just like
these little tiny and he crumbs,like he gave me just enough to
stay, like a few cute dates,like here and there A joke that
(05:16):
made me laugh, and like laughingwith him felt really important
at the time.
It felt easy Because I think Iwas like trying so hard to
convince myself it was working,um, but he wasn't pouring into
me and I didn't obviously didn'tsee it clearly then because I
(05:38):
stayed.
I saw it clearly after mydivorce.
But I think I stayed because,honestly, my self-esteem was so
low, um, lower than I thought orrealized, and honestly, because
I thought if I just loved himthe right way, it would get
(05:59):
better, it would be healthy, itwould just be everything that I
needed it to be.
Um, but, uh, if you couldn'ttell, because we're sitting here
talking about divorce isspoiler it didn't happen.
So, but, yeah, the beginning ofour relationship was semi good,
(06:23):
I guess, um, and then you know,we got engaged.
Um, then, I think a year later,we got married.
So we had been together, Ithink a total of five and a half
years or something.
I might be botching that, but,um, but like a year and a half
(06:45):
into our marriage, heessentially hit me with an
ultimatum Um, like out of theblue, truly, there was like no
conversation, no, like warningsigns, just like if this doesn't
improve by the end of our leaseand he was telling me this, I
think in June I'm not sure theexact year because it all blends
(07:09):
together at this point, butmaybe it was 2024.
If it doesn't get better by theend of the lease, which was in
February 2025, we're going tohave some know conversations
about our relationship and wherethis is going and all that
(07:30):
thing.
And I literally had, first off,no idea what the fuck he was
talking about and second, like Istarted to panic.
I had a panic attack like fullbody panic attack, like shaking,
couldn't breathe.
I didn't know what washappening.
Essentially, my marriage wasfalling apart right in front of
(07:52):
my eyes and I had no fuckingidea how we got to this place,
what was happening, like so manydifferent things.
Like so many different things.
Um and I this is probably for alittle bit later, but he texted
(08:13):
his ex-girlfriend about my panicattack and pretty much said
that he thinks that I blame mymental health or lean on it too
much, and literally gave herlike a play-by-play of my panic
attack, like it was gossip andthat it was okay to share that.
Like that is extremely personal.
(08:35):
If you've ever had a panicattack and the last panic attack
I think I had was in college,which it had it's been a hot sec
.
Um, so, long story short, Ifound messages later of him
texting his ex before this.
Um, like sometimes, he said,sometimes I think, what if?
(08:59):
To her?
Like alluding to like what ifthey ended up together, which I
thought was so fucked up becauseyou were literally what married
to me you ended up with.
You know me, so it's kind oflike a little.
Another like part of the storyis like I confronted him about
(09:22):
it and he refused to block her,even though originally I it, and
he refused to block her, eventhough originally I didn't want
him to block her because Ididn't want to be controlling or
anything.
But essentially he started orwas emotionally cheating on me
with her um, looking at some ofthe text messages, and then he
(09:43):
ended up after I asked him toblock her, after I found out
that he had Instagram DM, dm toher something that said like you
can only relate to someone whoreally, like, understands you
and you only really understandme, or something, something
crazy like that.
I was like can you block her?
Because I don't think that'sappropriate, and the wording I
(10:06):
literally used was that isdisgusting, that is disgusting,
and he refused.
He refused essentially, said Iwas overreacting, that I was
crazy.
He never would emotionallycheat on me and it wasn't
(10:27):
emotionally cheating and, uh,essentially made me feel insane
for being hurt.
So which was like obvious,classic, like gaslighting.
But it worked for a while and Istarted to believe him, but
like.
But it worked for a while and Istarted to believe him, but,
(10:47):
like, after this startedhappening and this, like he's
giving me the ultimatum, andthen I found out about this girl
.
I still tried to fix it.
You know, I'm not going to runaway from my marriage.
I know that was kind of notthat it was stupid, but like I
loved this person, like I wanteda future with this person.
(11:08):
And also, side note, we willnever be mentioning his name.
He will go by Voldemort, aka hewho shall not be named.
But like I was thinking, peoplego through hard seasons, like
this is just a hard season.
We'll go.
How about we do couples therapy?
We'll talk it out and we'llreally, you know, grow from it
(11:31):
as a couple.
Um, which he agreed to couplescounseling, which I took as a
win, um, he literally did twosessions.
He literally did two sessions.
Two sessions there was one withme and one without me, because
(11:51):
the therapist wanted to see himalone to really get a gauge on
him.
And, uh, yeah, he.
Then, essentially, by that timeI had offered him up my spot of
therapy because at that time Iwas seeing two different
therapists twice a week andtalking to his mentor to really
(12:14):
try to figure out how I can fixthe marriage or we can fix the
marriage.
But it was just essentially meputting in the work.
But I offered it to him becausehe was on my health insurance
and I said, here, totally, youcan take the spot, I know you
have a lot to talk about withhim if you don't want to do
(12:35):
couples counseling.
And he refused.
He said no, he had nothing leftto say.
He said that he wouldn't evenknow what to say to the
therapist at all because hedoesn't bring his this is word
for word, he doesn't bring histrauma into his relationships.
And I said, wow, okay, in myhead I said what the actual,
(13:00):
actual fuck, that's exactlywhat's happening here.
But uh, yeah, he didn't want togo back, didn't see the point.
Um, I, I was shocked, truly, Iwas unraveling.
I was still trying to fix ourrelationship because I loved him
(13:21):
and I wanted him to get help.
I wanted to get help.
I wanted our relationship toget help.
Um, he didn't have the healthinsurance cause he only worked
part time.
Um, which is hilarious becausehe later blamed me for that,
because he literally said in atext messages.
A text message that he nevergot a full time job, um, because
(13:45):
and it was my fault, because Iwanted him to be happy.
That is literally the words mytherapist said he's, he's been
in therapy or like, done therapyfor 30 to 40 years.
He said he's never heard thatin his 30 to 40 years.
I said you're welcome, I'm fullof them, but anyway, yeah, he
(14:07):
refused to help.
He shut down, he startedlocking his iPad, not sharing
any of his passwords Well,changed them all Hiding things,
he turned off his location.
I think the most hurtful for mewas sending screenshots of our
text messages to mutual friendsto make me look like the bad guy
, um, and like I won't even saythe wording that he used, but
(14:33):
like, truly, I was devastated,um, of what he was saying about
me to people, trying to paint meas this evil, evil person and
like he just wanted sympathy andhe got it out of some people,
not our mutual friends, but heliterally was reaching out to my
friends trying to paint me asthis evil person and that was
(14:57):
fucking insane.
Insane to me, because all hewanted was support and love and
he got some of it, but somepeople called him all on his
bullshit and for that I love youguys.
But from the outside, like hetruly looked fine, but like like
(15:20):
I was falling apart, I was theone that felt like what is
happening?
This is my marriage.
I literally think I cried everysingle day for months at this
point, in the car, in the shower.
Taylor Swift was honestly mybest friend, um, and I think the
(15:44):
biggest place I cried was thecloset of our apartment, because
that was the only place I couldcall my mom without him hearing
.
So I spent so many nights, likehours, on the phone with my mom
Thank you, shout out to my mom,I love you Talking about what
(16:07):
he said about me that day, whathe was doing, all of the
horrible things that werehappening that I won't even get
into because I think this wouldend up being too long of a
podcast and I'm definitelyskipping over some really crazy
things that happened and he did.
That would give a little bitmore context, but I don't
necessarily want to go into allof that.
My therapist has already heardall of those things.
(16:29):
So and y'all aren't mytherapist, but I can appreciate
a listening ear but I like whenthis was all happening, I
couldn't eat, or then I wouldbinge eat and then I like
couldn't sleep, or then I likeslept too much, um, and I like
(16:51):
kind of felt like a ghost in mylife, like a ghost of the
version of myself.
I didn't know what the fuck washappening.
My marriage was going down thedrain.
I literally tried to, like talkto him.
He either would shut it down orflip it.
He always said I was the problemand to this day he's never
(17:12):
taken accountability.
He always blamed it on his ADHDor his trauma or like truly
whatever else that he couldreach for.
That's what he did.
I sat him down so many timesand tried to hold space for him.
I asked him what he needed,asked him how to help, and he
(17:35):
gave me nothing.
He couldn't give me anyexamples of what I did wrong.
It was just like he wasnon-responsive to some things
and to others it was me beingthe villain, even though that
was not the truth, even a littlebit.
And truly, my therapist, hismentor actually two therapists
(17:58):
and his mentor said essentiallythat he was delusional and he
had the emotional word for word.
His mentor said the emotionalintelligence of a 12-year-old,
which I did not say that, but Iwas like, oh, things can get
(18:22):
worse.
You know, it got worse.
It got so much fucking worse.
It wasn't just like emotionalchaos, but then it like became
physical intimidation.
So he never hit me, but he'dyell in my face, he would get in
my space.
I remember one night he chargedat me in an argument um, so fast
(18:48):
, I mean, I remember it sovividly, he charged me so fast
and literally like he was goingto hit me, that I out loud said
like are you going to hit meright now?
Um, and like the fact that Ieven had to ask that is crazy.
Um, another time he shoved adoor into me to force me out of
(19:10):
the room.
Um, because we were having anargument, because we couldn't
even have conversations, becausehe just didn't want to have
them, he would just shut it down.
Um, and then he like had theaudacity to tell me like he felt
unsafe because I was reactingor crying, or like honestly, it
(19:32):
felt like existing was a problem.
It was like such a fucking mind, fuck the gaslighting constant.
And like the worst part is likehe really believed it, like he
was so, so sure it was all myfault, all my fault, and like
(19:55):
for a while I believed it toobecause I'm a codependent and I
also, you know, struggle withbeing a people pleaser that I
was starting to believe that youknow somebody who loves me this
much.
You know it must be true, itmust be true.
And like going through therapyand going through, you know,
(20:16):
talking to his mentor andeverything, like they were like
no, that's not the truth, kelly.
Like he's living in delusions,unfortunately.
But like, after all this,eventually, like I broke and I
(20:37):
couldn't do it anymore.
I didn't leave because I gaveup.
I left because I was the onlyone still trying and I couldn't
keep trying to essentially savesomething that was erasing me as
a person.
(20:58):
Even before I said I want adivorce to him, I saw text
messages that he was sending hisfriends and I don't think he
even knows this but like I sawhim send those things of like
this is over, she's this person.
Like it will never be the same.
Like and I mentioned that whenI said like I want a, want a
(21:19):
divorce, I said you've alreadytold people that.
Like you want that.
And he's like no, I didn't, Iwould never say that.
And like he said that I've readit, I saw it with my own eyes,
and so that was really difficult.
But, like I, I didn't want todo it, but I I had to.
(21:41):
When someone runs away from amarriage, what else?
What else can you do?
So you know, I started theprocess.
I filed for divorce.
Um, I essentially said we needto break the lease.
Um, also, filing for divorcequick side note takes like
minimum six months in california, which is fucking insane, but I
(22:09):
guess they do it to to like bedifficult, I guess in a way.
But whatever, um, but after allof this and all the trauma and
everything going on, I thoughtlike now, what the fuck do I do?
Because it wasn't like just mymarriage ending, it was like the
(22:31):
version of me that I thoughtcould fix all of this.
Um, the version of me that alsolike took all the blame and
like essentially begged someoneto choose her and then stayed
when they didn't.
This is like the first timeI've ever really chosen myself
(22:53):
in a way.
As like cliche as that sounds.
But you know, going throughtherapy and everything, my
therapist suggested divorcerecovery group.
I said, okay, what the fuck isthat?
So I googled them.
Fuck, they were all like 50year old women talking like
(23:14):
about alimony and shared custodyand real estate and like court
shit and like I love thosewomen's slay, girly, slay.
I was so cringe but whatever.
Um, but like I couldn't relate.
I was like a 27 year old with ahusband, or soon to be
ex-husband, who couldn't get afull-time job, we didn't own a
(23:38):
house, we didn't have kids,thank, and I was grieving a man
who had the emotionalintelligence of a 12-year-old
and rage quit Xbox games at Idon't know 2 or 3 am Like there
(23:59):
was no space for me in that Icouldn't relate to them.
And there was also like noguide for what to do when you're
20 something, divorcee, cryingon the floor and like trying to
figure shit out.
And there's also like nocommunity for it.
So I said why don't I justcreate one?
(24:20):
Which is crazy.
But yeah, that's what'shappening happening.
So like, girl, hang up wasn'tlike this cute idea, it was a,
it was a breakdown.
It came from, essentially, thecloset I cried in every night.
Um, from the notes app, likeeverything he did to me has done
(24:43):
to me, um, the voice memos.
I never sent the, the rage, the, the fucking grief, the, the
guilt, the, the pain, the, thefucking stupid jokes I always
make about it and like the humorof it all, because it is
(25:04):
humorous getting divorced alittle bit the way I'd say I
miss him and then you know Iwouldn't.
It's just like going throughthat.
But I didn't want, like anotherwoman, to like sit in silence
and think maybe it was just me,or like am I alone?
Is this what I want?
(25:25):
Like really trying to figureout what the fuck you are doing,
because A it wasn't just youand B you should be in community
.
So I said I'm going to makethat.
So, uh, on top of girl, hang up.
I was like okay.
So, uh, on top of girl, hang up.
(25:50):
I was like okay, let's alsomake a podcast.
So here we are.
Uh, his loss hotline.
It's kind of the podcast I wishexisted.
When I was in the middle of it,when I couldn't eat or couldn't
sleep and like every answeronline was like some bullshit
answer and I hated every fuckingthing that I saw.
Um, I'm like, yay, you're doingit.
(26:12):
Like I wanted something real.
Um, but like the his losshotline is not about being
perfectly healed, like we'll,we're never going to be
perfectly healed, about beingperfectly healed.
We're never going to beperfectly healed and it's not
(26:33):
therapy speak, unless we bringon an actual therapist.
And it's also not like how-toguide of how steps to closure,
like 10 steps.
Here's the 10 steps I can giveyou for full closure and you'll
be fine.
It's fuck.
I stayed too long or I missedsomeone who treated me like shit
.
I still think about texting himor why am I crying right now?
(26:57):
I blocked him and thenre-blocked him and then
unblocked him again, him andthen re-blocked him and then
unblocked him again.
Or I know he was bad for me,but I still loved him.
There's so many differentaspects of that that I think
need to be talked about and noone talks about the messy middle
(27:17):
.
And even on the other side ofthings I feel like I've healed a
lot and it's still messy.
Healing is messy, grief ismessy and there's no timeline
for it.
But, like, the show is allabout honesty and the mess and
the unhinged, but also thehealing and how you deal with
(27:37):
those things and being incommunity with the girlies and
truly feeling seen and heard,and that's what I wanted to
create.
But, like, right now, if you'rein it, if you're in the grief
and the bullshit and the spiraland kind of the silence that
feels a little bit like louderthan anything else.
(27:58):
Just know, like and this isjust a reminder for me and for
you you're not alone, you didn'truin it, you didn't deserve it
and you're not hard to love.
You were just loving someonewho couldn't meet you where you
were, unfortunately, and I'mthere, or I was there, and I
(28:24):
just really want people to knowlike leaving wasn't giving up on
on yourself or the marriage.
It was like remembering who thefuck you are and like finally
putting yourself first for once.
But but that was kind of thefirst episode of His His Hotline
(28:45):
.
I know it was a little unhinged, maybe a little emotional for
the girlies.
I know I joke a lot and that'sjust how I deal with my grief
and my trauma is I joke a lot.
Any of my friends can attest tothat and there's a lot of me
(29:08):
talking, um, but you know it'skind of the reason for a podcast
.
If you hate it, I'm so sorry,um, but uh, yeah, follow, girl,
hang up on Tik TOK and Instagram.
Know, chaos, because alwaysemotional support, unhinged
(29:30):
memes and whoa, I said memes,weird memes.
And yeah, I'll definitely beonline because I'm an internet
girly at heart, like my friends.
Literally, we joke around.
You know how people say they'relike chronically online.
I say we used to say I'mcriminally online, but now we
say I'm federally online.
(29:51):
So, um, yeah, reach out, um,follow us.
You can also send your ownstory for the show anonymously.
Um, because we got a lot ofstuff coming up like divorce
confessions, dating confessions,um, and even something called
breakup court, which I'm veryexcited about.
(30:12):
I even bought one of thosefuck-ass little gavels.
I almost bought a wig but like,uh, the uk wigs where they like
I don't know they they wearthose like weird George
Washington wigs.
No offense to UK people if thispodcast gets over there, but
(30:33):
yeah, we have breakup courtupcoming and yeah, I just want
everyone to know like thispodcast is about support and
connection and like chaos andhealing and not feeling alone in
whatever bullshit you've gonethrough.
And it doesn't have to be justdivorce.
It can be a situation, ship or10 years of like.
(30:59):
What is it called?
Like a common law marriage,it's okay if it's your morning.
A relationship that you had fortwo years or one year or maybe
six months, that's okay.
We're all grieving differentthings and all kind of being
unhinged together in a way, butit's for all of us together in a
(31:27):
way, but it's for all of us, um.
But uh, new episodes drop everytuesday, so follow wherever you
listen.
I won't judge you if it's likeapple podcasts or whatever, um,
and then, if you want to, youcould post this episode on your
story or um, just share it,maybe, rate it.
Please rate it.
Well, if you're going to I'mnot like begging, but I low-key
(31:52):
a little bit am, but I just wantthe girlies to find the hotline
.
So, yeah, share wherever youcan and remember it's his loss.
I'm sorry, but the person youcalled has a voicemail box that
has not been set up yet.
Goodbye.
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