Episode Transcript
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Kelly (00:09):
the number cannot be
reached now, please hang up and
try again later.
Welcome back.
If you made it here, again,congrats.
This is the fourth episode,which is crazy.
(00:32):
I'm very excited about it.
It will be a brutal one, butwelcome back to the His Loss
Hotline, where we don't decodemixed signals.
Okay, we delete them, we deletethe thread, we block the number
and then maybe like screenshotit and send it to all your
(00:54):
friends because you know thegirly pops need to know, so
everyone can weigh in.
Like we're a jury that'simportant.
But I'm Kelly You're obviouslyyour hotline operator and your
walking red flag detector and agirl who used to spend actual
hours making excuses for men whocouldn't even follow through on
(01:16):
a dinner plan I'm not talkingabout my ex, what On that note.
And today it's going gonna be arough one.
It's gonna be a kind of awake-up call for some.
Maybe.
Um, it's something that I wishI took my own advice for.
(01:42):
But you know, now we're nowwe're saying it on a podcast.
So, uh, we're talking about thephrase that has ended
relationships.
Um, made you start therapy,maybe rebuilt a little bit of
self-worth all at once, but, uh,if he wanted to, he would, he
would, yes, that dreaded phase,oh phrase Phase, fucking hell,
(02:10):
because, okay, yes, sometimeshe's busy, sometimes life is
chaotic, but like 98% of thetime he's just not showing up
because he doesn't want to, andlike that's the cold, hard truth
.
And, um, my delusional ass.
I'm like no, no, but we'll getinto that, we'll get into it.
(02:33):
Um, and like, listen, I knowthat stings and I know it hits
you right in the like, maybehe's different with me.
I can change him like fantasy.
That, I'm gonna be honest, weall kind of have, unless you're
like, not saying I'm like notmentally well or you're mentally
(02:56):
well, but like you know, I,yeah, I'll just leave it at that
.
Um, but like the second, youreally get this and also, I'm
still trying to get this.
So it's just me talking through, like me processing everything.
Um, it's almost like you knowthe in the movie, like the
(03:19):
matrix, where you like take,take the red pill.
I feel like it's suddenly like,you see, like every little
breadcrumb for what it is, likeit's not normal, it's not like
your breadcrumb is not a meal,but we're going to get into it,
let's do this.
So let's be honest withourselves.
(03:42):
Let's be honest with ourselves.
I'm gonna be honest right now.
Most of us have called crumbs afull course meal at least once
in our life.
Um, my marriage, what god?
Someone keeps talking to thismic and it's not me.
But uh, yeah, like excuses of.
(04:04):
Like, he liked my instagramstory oh my gosh, like he must
like really like me.
Or he's giving me a sign.
Um, he texted miss you, butdidn't ask to hang out, but
clearly, like he's just workingon himself he's busy.
Um, he called me babe in a textCongratulations, you're
(04:28):
official.
Unfortunately, as much as I wishthose things were true, they're
not.
We.
I definitely do this, but Iknow we do this.
I hope well, I don't hope thatyou do these things.
I just know like, I hope, well,I don't hope that you do these
things.
(04:48):
I just know, like, based off ofyou know, my friends, um, tiktok
and just experiences in life,we all kind of turn something
that's nothing into somethingbecause we desperately want it
to be something, and like that'sokay, but it's okay not to
accept that, because the longeryou feed yourself crumbs, the
(05:10):
hungrier you get and the moreyou start convincing yourself
that maybe is better than no.
But like, here's the truth.
If you're constantly decodingsomeone's behavior and searching
for signs instead of justreceiving consistency or effort.
(05:32):
You already have your answerand you don't have to accept the
bare minimum Because whensomeone actually wants you in
their life, you won't have towonder.
They will make it so inherentlyclear and like.
Here's the part that, like, mostpeople don't really say out
(05:55):
loud we don't chase the bareminimum because we're stupid or
we're desperate or any of thosethings.
We chase it because we've beenconditioned to think we don't
deserve more.
And I really want that to likeset in because we do deserve
more.
And we fill in those blanks ofwell, maybe he's scared of
(06:17):
commitment, maybe he's justemotionally unavailable, maybe
it's his trauma, maybe he likesme but doesn't know how to show
it, and this can be in anysituation.
It doesn't just have to be likemale, female, like it can be.
Maybe she's scared ofcommitment, maybe she's just
(06:37):
emotionally unavailable.
Like we accept the love wethink we deserve from people
Shout out to what is that movie?
Perks of a Wildflower.
Is that right?
I'll look it up later.
But like maybe and I know thisis like really brutal to say but
(07:00):
like maybe he or them, they'rejust not that into you and maybe
you deserve someone who is,because there is somebody out
there for you, unless you'relike a crazy psycho person there
absolutely is somebody thatwill like not give you the bare
minimum and will give youeverything that, yes, no one's
(07:24):
going to be perfect, no one willbe perfect, but they will give
you what you need to have a good, healthy relationship where
you're not just begging for thebare minimum or worse.
I have so many stories of likeand this is not just like my
ex-husband, but like so manystories of men I've dated where
(07:46):
I like got excited because hetexted me good morning every day
for a week, but like there waslike no follow-up, no, how's
your day?
Just like the good morning.
It was like, oh my God, do youguys remember like Tamagotchis?
If you don't, they're like youhad to keep them alive and if
you like didn't constantly dostuff for them, they would just
(08:08):
die.
But like it honestly was like Iwas a Tamagotchi that he needed
to keep alive, truly, yeah,like I almost gave him credit
for that.
Like okay, why?
Because, like we make excuses,because if we admitted the truth
that they're not choosing us,then we'd have to ask what that
(08:33):
says about us and, if I'm beinghonest, that's terrifying.
That's terrifying and so scary.
But like the twist is like theirinability to love you doesn't
make you unlovable, it justmeans they're not capable of
showing up the way you need.
But like you want to know what,if he wanted to, he would
(08:57):
really is.
I don't think it's a dig orlike a punishment.
I think it's freeing and it'sclarity, like it's peace,
essentially.
I know that sounds weirdbecause it's like contradictive
of what we think in society, butit's the moment when you can
(09:17):
like stop spiraling, you canstop waiting and stop convincing
yourself that this time it willbe different, because if he
wanted to check in, he wouldhave.
If he wanted to be better, hewould have.
If he wanted to love you loudly, clearly and without the games,
(09:38):
he would or they would have,whoever you're dating.
And since he didn't or theydidn't, you get to stop twisting
yourself into a smaller version, just so you'll be easier to
love for them, because obviouslythat's not the right person for
(09:59):
you.
You can still grieve it and itwill still be painful and you
can still miss what you thoughtit could have been or what you
had, but you don't have to begfor it anymore, because you
deserve someone who makes itobvious and you know when you
almost like, hold out hope andyou almost say, like, maybe one
(10:23):
day.
It's not a like, that's not arelationship status like I know
this sounds so fucked up, butlike it's kind of a pacifier
truly keeps you stuck in thisdaydream of potential while
you're starving in reality, likeI literally.
(10:43):
I remember in college I hadlike the maybe one day guy, but
this is like an actual maybe oneday guy.
Like he would say that, not me,so I'd be like.
Or he he used to say, once workslows down, I'll have more time
for us.
Like I literally dated in mylife so many fucking losers
(11:05):
there were some good guys too,for sure, but like so many
fucking losers, like I literallythink this man worked at Best
Buy.
Like what do you mean?
Why are you busy?
I don't know what the busyseason is, okay, maybe in like
December, but like I don'tremember talking.
The busy season is Okay, maybein like December, but like I
(11:25):
don't remember talking to him inDecember.
So I don't know what seasonalemergency you have from just
showing up for me as a person,but like I think what I have
done my whole life, and alsomaybe you have too is we fall in
love with the idea of them, thefuture version that texts first
(11:48):
and shows up and apologizes andchanges.
And yeah, those things canhappen.
It's rare but those things canhappen if there's growth and
there's change and things likethat.
But a lot of the times we'rewaiting for the good shoe to
drop.
Essentially, I think honestlywe're waiting on potential.
(12:15):
You're dating potential whenyou are waiting for that future
version and you're dating hispatterns.
Honestly, that was all of mymarriage.
I was married to his potentialof who I could see in the future
(12:36):
and who we were working for inthe future.
But that wasn't what wasstanding right in front of me
and like, sometimes the mostradical act of self-love is
walking away before they likequote unquote get it.
And because they might neverget it, and because they might
(13:05):
never get it, they might neverget it.
And are you going to sit aroundand wait until they get it?
I'm not saying that you need todate the perfect person.
There is no perfect person outthere.
That is just the hard, coldtruth.
But you are allowed to havethat self-worth and say you know
what I'm done dating ormarrying potential.
It is now my choice to chooseme and make sure that my needs
(13:31):
are being met the way that theyneed to be met.
And you're not cold forprotecting your peace and you're
not dramatic for wanting more.
And you're also not unlovable.
You were just trying to beloved by someone who couldn't
meet you there and that, likefantasy closure you've been
(13:55):
waiting for it's not coming.
In a perfectly crafted paragraph.
It starts with this truth, andI know it's brutal and I know
this episode has been superbrutal and kind of short, but
the truth is like, if he wantedto, he would, or they would, but
(14:17):
they didn't.
So you do okay, you move, youheal, you get up and you dust
yourself off, you grieve and youhang the fuck up because you
need to do what is good for you,and that is not selfish of you.
(14:38):
My codependence, or like mycodependency, has always thought
like I want to put othersbefore myself, which is great,
but to the detriment of myself,is not healthy, and I think
that's something that a lot ofus, especially as women,
struggle with in relationships.
And I may be the only one, andso be it, but I, I doubt I am
(15:03):
hopefully I don't know, maybenot, hopefully I don't wish bad
things on on the girlies ever,um, but sometimes you have to
hang up and that's okay.
Um, I know this episode was notlike the cute like ha ha, hee,
(15:24):
hee episode usually, um, but Ithink it's really important, at
least it's really important tolike my health and your health
and just learning that it's okaynot to accept the bare minimum
anymore.
I think we're getting to aplace, especially in society,
(15:44):
where women don't have to dothat.
And I know I know like that'slike kind of radical in ways but
that's like kind of radical inways but it's not that crazy to
do.
But like that was this week'sepisode of His Loss Hotline, so
(16:05):
sorry for not many laughs, butlike I can tell you more
traumatic stories about my lifethat will make you laugh if that
helps.
But like, if you're stillrationalizing his behavior,
their behavior, or rereading oldtext or convincing yourself he
(16:31):
might come around, just know youreally don't need to decode
mixed signals when the messageis already so clear.
And that is okay.
And that is okay.
Let them go and let it hurt andlet yourself heal with dignity
of someone who finally knowswhat they're worth this whole
episode, and even the idea of ifhe wanted to, he would is just
(16:57):
knowing your self-worth.
Like I honestly want thisepisode to be like, when you're
sitting down with your girls andyour friend almost has like a
truth that she just wants totell you and it's just you
pouring your heart out to yourfriends, like that's what this
podcast is truly about.
(17:17):
But also like especially thisone, because it's something I've
learned through a lot oftherapy, a lot of dating, my
marriage and TikTok.
I know TikTok's not likeeverything, but it does, you
know, does have a lot of content, a lot of people on it, so some
wise people, some not so, butwe love TikTok.
(17:40):
But it's just finally knowingwhat you're worth, and I think
that's beautiful, because I dothink you are worth so much, so
much.
And if no one's told you that,I'm so sorry, but it's so true.
I don't even know you and Iknow it's true Because no one
(18:02):
deserves the bare minimum theydon't.
So if you like this, follow uson TikTok and Instagram at
girlhangup, for, like, maybesome wisdom and some breakup
spirals or memes or whatever Ifeel like posting because I'm
chaotic and maybe, if you wantto, you could leave a five star
(18:25):
review on Spotify or Apple Musicor Apple Music, apple Podcast
Wow, that was a struggle.
Wherever you get your podcasts.
Wow, that was a struggle.
Wherever you get your podcasts,I would really appreciate it.
But, like I'm here for you,girls, the girly pops, girls,
gays and theys, but pleasealways, always, always, remember
(18:52):
it's his loss.
I'm sorry, but the person youcalled has a voicemail box that
has not been set up yet.
Goodbye.