You Don't Need Bangs to Prove You're Healing

What happens after you hang up on a relationship? Not the curated, Pinterest-board version. The real, messy aftermath. The crying in your car, forgetting to eat, avoiding his side of town kind of aftermath.

Breakups, especially divorces, can turn you into an accidental public figure overnight. People start refreshing your Instagram like it’s breaking news: photos gone, thirst traps up, maybe even bangs. There is pressure to make your healing look good, to perform it like you have it all figured out when inside you are just trying to survive the day.

The truth is the quiet, unglamorous days are where it actually happens. The ones that feel like nothing is changing. Where you are not crying, not thriving, not having some big epiphany. You are just existing. That is where you start to unlearn the lies. That missing them means you made the wrong choice. That strong people do not fall apart. That you are “behind” if you are not already thriving.

This episode is your permission to let it be ugly, uneven, and yours. Because the middle, the messy unposted part, is where the real healing lives.

Send us a text

Episode Transcript

Kelly (00:09):
the number cannot be reached now.
Please hang up and try againlater.
Oh hi, welcome back to His LossHotline, the podcast where we

(00:30):
talk about breakups and spiralsand the kind of healing that
doesn't really look like aTikTok montage.
I wish it did, because it wouldbe a lot easier if it was like
a TikTok montage.
Last week I told you why Ifinally hung up my very

(00:54):
unglamorous, very real exit frommy marriage.
This week I want to talk aboutwhat comes after you hang up.
It's not going to be pretty.
So the crying, the chaos, theattempts at like reinvention and

(01:15):
like looking put together.
And yeah, because the truth is,when you picture healing in
your head, you probably kind ofimagine the calm part at the end
, just like peaceful morningsand coffee and perfect skin and

(01:39):
a sense of self-worthessentially self-worth
essentially.
But you don't get there byskipping the part where you're
spiraling and crying.
And you know Googling.
Is it normal to cry this muchat 3am?
I'm not saying I've done that,but I'm not saying I haven't.

(02:11):
So, uh, we're going to get intoit.
I have my McDonald's Diet DrPepper.
I was a Diet Coke girl, butI've been on a Diet Dr Pepper
kick um recently and I'm armedwith that and, uh, my brain.
So we're in for, we're in for atreat.
Well, breakups, like truly,especially divorces, um,

(02:32):
honestly, it kind of feels likeyou turn into like a public
figure overnight.
Um, I know that sounds sodramatic, but you know you've
stalkeded.
You've stalked those likefriends or like acquaintances
that all of a sudden their umbio changes or their there's no

(02:52):
last name and in their umusername, people truly treat
your pain like it's a storylinethey get to follow and like I'm
gonna be honest, I've done ittoo where I've looked at other
people's.
But now you're the person, um,they think, or at least I've

(03:15):
looked for.
Like, has she deleted thepictures?
Did she post a thirst trap?
Did she change her username?
Oh, my god, she got bangs.
I didn't get bangs, I did getextensions and some tattoos
after my divorce.
But like that was because,honestly, fuck it.

(03:37):
But like even people you reallyhaven't talked to since high
school like suddenly pop up andthey're like hey, babe, just
checking in, which is code for?
Hey, tell me everything aboutyour life and give me all the
drama.
And hey, now I'm just doingthat on a podcast.

(03:59):
So why the fuck not?
But like.
At first you might play into it,maybe like posting a hot selfie
or like a cryptic quote, whichI've done, which is so
embarrassing to say.
But you know, you know healingis weird.

(04:29):
But like you make it look likeyou're, you're fine, because
being fine feels safer thanletting people see you unravel.
And, like I've said before,like grief is not linear, I I
fucking wish it was linear.
I literally told, told mytherapist.
I said if grief was linear, mylife would be so much easier
because then I could know, youknow what's coming next or how I

(04:52):
feel or what I'm doing.
But I it's not.
There's no roadmap for it.
And and when you're healing kindof with an audience, it's so
easy to start performing forthem.
You kind of edit your emotionsto be palatable and you only

(05:14):
post on your quote, unquote,like good days.
You start thinking, yeah, sothere's a correct order to this
and, spoiler, there's really not.
Unfortunately, like I said,there's no formula for healing.
I wish I truly wish there was.
But also it's kind of likewhere the most growth you have

(05:38):
is in the traumatic middle,unfortunately, and sometimes you
think you're past it and then asong you haven't heard since
high school maybe comes on andyou're sobbing, you're sobbing,
I.
This literally happened to methe other night.
This is so embarrassing and I'mlike a year out of my like

(06:02):
filing for divorce.
My divorce was finalized thisyear in February but Taylor
Swift came on.
Obviously it's going to be aTaylor Swift song.
It's um LOML, which is love ofmy life, but it's supposed to be
loss of my life.
Essentially it's this wholesong about how, um, you are the

(06:23):
loss of their life and thingslike that.
But I was watching the Summer, ITurned Pretty, and they played
a Billie Eilish song.
I think it was episode four orsomething and then I played that
Billie Eilish song because itwas really fucking sad.
And then I played that TaylorSwift song and all of a sudden I

(06:45):
just started sobbing, fuckingsobbing, and I haven't done that
in such a long time, such along time.
And I even talked to mytherapist about it and said like
it feels like I'm almost kindof going backwards.
And he's like that's not it atall.
That's actually you goingthrough your grief and feeling

(07:08):
it and healing.
But I won't get into how I alsoput my wedding dress on.
That was like very dramatic andwas a choice, not a very good
one.
It did actually make me stopcrying, which I don't know what
that says about me, whatever.
Um, but like here's, like thethe truth of it all.

(07:34):
It's like you don't have tolook like you're healing to
actually be healing you.
You don't even have to explainyour progress.
You can disappear and come backfor like six or like come back
six months later or somethingwith bangs, maybe a tattoo, a

(07:55):
new lease and like no PowerPointpresentation on where you've
been.
After I filed for divorce, mylife was basically split into
realities.
So there was like technicallylike, the internal reality.
So it was like the grief, thetrauma, the processing, the fact

(08:20):
that every conversation withhim was like almost like like a
mental landmine in a way.
And then there was the externalreality.
There were bills, leases,people waiting for updates.
Honestly, it felt like a celebfor a hot sec, not really, um,

(08:42):
maybe if it was likespecifically for heartbreak, but
like I had, as I mentioned, twotherapists, not because I was
thriving, but because I wasunraveling.
One worked with the actualtrauma, the other, essentially,
was my life support therapist.

(09:02):
Shout out, earl Earl's, a legendin my family and also in my
group of friends, they know himtoo.
Sounds really weird, but if youknow, you know, you know.
But the strangest part wasthinking about my relationship

(09:24):
so much, about how I missed himand how I missed being with him.
But that's kind of the power ofmanipulation, in a way you can
know something's right and kindof still feel guilty for it, for

(09:45):
leaving.
I I did at the beginning have alot of shame and a lot of guilt
for leaving and I don't know.
You know you remember the worstmoments and still mourn the
version of him you wanted toexist or you thought existed,
but unfortunately it wasn't thetruth.

(10:07):
And this is where, like, Istarted realizing something and
I think more people need to hearit Healing is not just about
feeling better.
It's about rewiring the lies youwere taught to believe, lies
like if it was really that bad,you wouldn't miss him.

(10:34):
Strong people don't fall apart.
I truly think the strongestpeople fall apart um, you're
only doing well if other peoplecan see you're doing well.
Those lies really keep youstuck and untangling them is the

(10:54):
is the real work of grief.
But, like, here's what no onetells you.
Healing in public can make youfeel like you have to brand your
recovery.
And I think that's so dangerousBecause the second you attach
your worth to how I guesstogether you look, to how I

(11:19):
guess together you look, or likeyou keep telling yourself
you're fine.
You kind of stop tellingyourself the truth when you heal
privately.
You can actually have bad dayswithout feeling like you're
breaking the rules in some way.
You can spiral withoutwondering who's screenshotting

(11:41):
it in a way and sending it totheir friends because we've all
done it.
And also, yes, sometimessharing is so helpful.
I obviously believe in thatbecause I'm talking about it.
I think it's so important toshare and not be alone and have
community.
But you should never feel likeyour healing has to be like

(12:03):
aesthetically pleasing orcontent worthy to be valid,
because the truth is the boringdays matter more than like the
crazy flashy ones, the days whenyou just exist.
Those don't really get the like, attention or the love of it

(12:24):
all.
But that's kind of where thatrewiring happens, or at least
for me and what my therapist hastold me.
I'm also not a licensedtherapist.
This is just my thoughts andfeelings.
So please, please, take myadvice.
But also, I'm not trying toruin your life in any way, shape

(12:45):
or form and I don't know.
You know, when someone givesyou advice and then at the end
you go, uh, yeah, but like youknow, do what you want, or like
I don't know, that's becauseyou're scared, if it doesn't
work out for them, that they'llblame you.
So please don't blame me.
I'm just trying to give you mythoughts and my feelings

(13:09):
essentially.
So I know this sounds cheesy ina way, but like I kind of want
to give whoever's listening tothis like permission slips.
Like you know how we gotpermission slips when we were a
child and I'm not saying I mayor may not have forged my
parents signature sometime, butI definitely did.

(13:30):
But like it's fine, I'm a grownadult now, but these permission
slips are like things I wishsomeone kind of had given me, in
a way.
So I have like five that Ireally think are helpful.

(13:50):
So one you don't have to postabout it.
That means your progressdoesn't need an audience
essentially to be real.
Two you can miss them and stillbe done.
Missing someone doesn't meanyou made the wrong choice.
It honestly means you're humanand you're grieving.

(14:13):
You're allowed to have setbacks.
Well, they shouldn't even becalled setbacks, because you go
two weeks without crying andthen you're falling apart again.
That's not a failure, it'sgrief.
And, like I've said, like griefis not linear, um, you don't,
oh, sorry, four, you don't haveto be inspiring holy shit while

(14:38):
you heal.
I think this is really important, especially in the age of
social media.
But essentially, you're not aTED Talk, you're not an
Instagram filter, but like,shout out, rio de Janeiro, is
that?
Yeah, that's the Instagramfilter, that's my internet girly
kicking in.
But you're a person, you'reallowed to feel the way you feel

(15:03):
and, oh God, it almost rhymed.
Heal the way you heal, that'sso horrible.
And then this one was reallydifficult for me.
But number five your healingtimeline is not a competition.
Nobody wins a prize for themost healed person in five

(15:26):
months or a month or whatever.
Everyone's healing is different.
Like you could get over it sofast, and that's incredible, I
love that.
But also it could take youyears, and that's also
incredible, and I love that foryou.
You just have to fully processthose feelings and emotions and

(15:49):
talk about it with people.
But like you don't have to puton a show for anybody.
Ugly stage is really where thatmagic is.
Unfortunately, it's the partwhere you're just, I guess,
surviving and you don't noticeyou're slowly getting stronger

(16:13):
until you look back on it.
It's honestly also the partthat teaches you the most how to
self-soothe, or how to findcomfort that isn't in him, or
how to be, for me, lesscodependent and how to not
choose somebody who is adependent, who, you know, just

(16:37):
takes and takes and takes um.
And also like how to be okaywith being misunderstood, or
like the villain in their storyis really important as well,
like that is the ugly stage inthe process.
So let your healing be unevenand let it be ugly.

(16:58):
That's so fucked up to say, butit's true, but just like, let
it be what you need it to be andthat's okay.
So that's kind of it for thisweek of uh, his loss hotline.
If this episode hit for you,send it to your friends please.

(17:18):
Now.
Now, instead of begging I'mgonna be threatening, send it to
your friends or post it on yourstory.
Um, also, should I threaten thefollow girl?
Hang up on instagram and tiktok.
That didn't sound like a threat.
That more sounded like mestruggling to talk.
But, um, yeah, follow us.

(17:42):
We have some wisdom sometimes.
We have memes all the time andyou know the spirals and the uh,
the ugly stage of it all.
Um, we really put it out therefor everyone to see, but
whatever.
But uh, also, if you got abreakup story or a divorce story

(18:03):
you want to share, you can sendit an honest, anonymously.
Annan annan for those redditreddit people I need to really
get into reddit, but I heardit's like it's crazy but, uh,
you can submit those atgirlhangupcom and, um, I hope
you really enjoyed this episode.
I really enjoyed kind ofspilling all everything that

(18:28):
came out of my head essentially,but, uh, new episodes every
tuesday and always remember it'shis loss.
I'm sorry, but the person youcalled has a voice mailbox that
has not been set up yet.
Goodbye.