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July 14, 2025 14 mins

Ep. #775 | From the U.S. Military in World War II comes a practice that can significantly reduce sexual anxiety.


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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
One of the consistent patterns that I've seen across thousands
of coaching calls is that almostall guys, maybe all guys,
experience some form of sexual quote, anxiety or nervousness,
or however you want to think about it on either a regular
basis or at least occasionally. Let's talk about a technique
that first really took hold in World War 2 that can

(00:24):
significantly help us with this.So you can be more calm, more
confident, not only in an individual experience, but more
and more in a rooted place, a grounded place of calm
confidence on a long term basis.All right, so let's acknowledge
that if you're like any of the guys that I've spoken with or

(00:45):
like me, there have been times when you've had some
nervousness, some hesitation, maybe even some anxiety around
sex. Maybe it's an all the time thing
and it's very extreme. It really holds you back or
maybe just pops up occasionally.Let's acknowledge that as a
reality and then let's talk about how we can actually
address this so we can improve this situation both in a short

(01:06):
term basis, something that you can apply tonight or this
weekend or whenever. It is something that will also
help you over the long term to really transform this so that
you can approach sex from a place of calm confidence.
Let's rewind back to World War Two.
There was a practice that first really took hold at this time,

(01:27):
at least as far as I can tell. I wasn't part of this, but in
doing some research around this,that's really when this idea
took hold. The words existed before then,
of course, but what I'm talking about is the pre, brief and
debrief. We're going to talk about
exactly what those are and how to apply it to sex.
But the basic idea is that we have a little powwow either with

(01:48):
ourselves or with our team or with your partner in this case,
before a particular activity or project or task or event or
whatever it is. And then we have a little powwow
after. And when we approach those
little pow wows with intentionality, it can seriously
transform how that particular event or project goes on a very

(02:10):
acute and specific basis that day, that time.
Also, it is a big key to improving over the long term.
So again, these terms existed before, but in doing some
research, it was the US militaryin World War 2 that really
started to regularly use this asa practice.
I talked to my nephew Patrick. Shout out to Patrick, by the

(02:31):
way, Patrick was in the Navy andhe told me that every day he was
actually an air traffic controller.
And as an air traffic controller, every day before
every shift they had a pre brief.
After every shift they had a debrief.
So if this is something that theUS military has found valuable
since World War 2 and still usesin almost every job or every job

(02:53):
that I know of today, it's something that we can probably
benefit from as well. I know that I have significantly
benefit benefited from this in my life.
And I see it work with clients over and over again.
Whether we call it by these specific words or not, the
practice itself undeniably works.
So let's talk about exactly whatI mean, how to apply to sex so

(03:13):
that you can be more confident, have more calm and presence, so
you can enjoy the experience, soyou can show up and quote,
perform better, which I'm not a big fan of that word, but we'll
use it as a best choice for thisparticular moment.
It does matter, right? There are a lot of guys who do
think about it in that kind of terminology.
How am I going to perform, right?

(03:34):
How's my body going to perform? How's this experience going to
go? Let's talk about the pre brief
first. The pre brief, you might do well
before a particular time together with your partner.
You might do it all on your own,or you might even do it with
your partner. You also might do it right as
you're beginning and getting into that activity.
We'll talk about kind of the different ways that that plays

(03:56):
out, but in the pre brief, we want to keep think about a
couple of key things. First of all is awareness around
the state of the being of whoever is going to be involved
in this, right? So let's approach it for you and
you're just thinking about it from your own standpoint.
Part of that pre brief is havinga curiosity and openness and

(04:16):
awareness for how am I feeling right now, right?
How's how am I feeling over all my life?
How am I feeling energetically today?
What's been going on today? How are my mind and my emotions
feeling and just checking in andbeing aware of that?
There's no need to try to do anything about it at this stage
or maybe even at all. The first thing is just check in

(04:37):
and be aware if it is something where you're having sex with a
partner and you're also in communication about that, you
may even have that check in together and kind of touch base
with where each other's feeling today where you're at.
Or you may just use your hopefully knowledge of your
partner and what is going on in her life and the things that are

(04:59):
at play in her mind and her bodyand her being and how that might
play into your time together. So that's the first thing is
really just check in and be aware.
The next thing is to set an intention.
It is so powerful when we set anintention in life.
It is literally like giving a target to a ship.

(05:19):
If we have no target, then who knows where we're going to go?
Might be might go somewhere we want to be, or who might end up
somewhere we don't want to be atall.
Same thing applies to everythingin our life.
When we set an intention, more often we're going to find
ourselves closer to experiencingwhat it is that we actually
desire. So let's get really clear though

(05:41):
for a moment that an intention is not an expectation.
That's actually the next thing to kind of check in with here.
So you check in with your overall self.
Maybe you check in with your partner and kind of your, your
knowledge of where they're at, what they're feeling.
You set an intention, which is again, not an expectation.
An expectation is when you decide ahead of time, OK, this
is what's going to happen and I expect this to happen and I'm

(06:05):
going to be kind of disappointedif this doesn't happen.
And of course, the vast majorityof the time you're not really
thinking through it that much. But that's what happens when we
set expectations. We're deciding ahead of time on
an outcome and kind of locking into that.
And it really sets us up in kindof this 0 minus proposition.
So if you go into a sexual experience and you have these

(06:27):
expectations of exactly how it'sgoing to go, if it doesn't match
that, you're going to immediately find yourself in a
place of disappointment and frustration.
Not going to go well for you, not going to go well for your
partner. On the other hand, setting an
intention is just giving ourselves a desired path, right?
But when we set an intention, here's the difference.

(06:47):
So we might set an intention andit might be vague or it might be
very specific, right? So you may set an intention like
to be really present, to be calm, to be with whatever the
experience is presenting and to be confident and to kind of
engage with, with some, some power and some strength and some
confidence in that experience. And you set that intention ahead

(07:08):
of time, an intention. You also carry with that an
openness and a curiosity and a willingness to deal with
whatever moment presents itself and to be OK with that, right?
So we set the intention, but then as we move into it moment
by moment, we're just present and aware and curious of what's

(07:29):
happening. Like, oh, I wonder how this is
going to go, right? I would love for this to happen.
And this is going to be kind of my intention for how I'm going
to show up. Now let's get curious and see
actually what presents itself inthe moment.
Because one of the things with sex as much as or more than any
other aspect of life is that younever really know the exact
state that you're going to be in.

(07:49):
You never really know the exact state your partner's going to be
in and how it's going to kind ofall jive together.
Like sometimes everything just clicks and it flows and it's
smooth and it's powerful and it's connected.
And other times it's like all awkward and one person or both
people's energy. You're kind of off and there's
just not really an alignment there.
And there's like funkiness and you bump each other weirdly and

(08:10):
it's like just weird stuff happens, right?
You don't know ahead of time what's going to happen, so the
best thing to do is just be curious, be open and show up to
each moment with the intention. One of my favorite intentions to
set in life, and certainly in sex as well, is to show up to
each moment and just sort of ask, what is this moment asking
of me? What is this moment presenting?

(08:32):
And then just be your best self in whatever answer you get,
right? Let's talk about the debrief.
This is very, very important as well.
So you have sex. Maybe it's immediately after
that. Maybe it's the next day.
It's in the aftermath of that. You want to think back?
I'm going to think back to, first of all, what was your
intention? What was the intention or

(08:53):
intentions that you set going into that?
And did you kind of follow through on that or how well did
you follow through on that? Now, one thing to touch base on
really quickly on the debrief isthis is not about judgement.
There is no judgement here. This is not about going back and
saying and feeling bad, like, ohman, I didn't do this.
I set this intention. I didn't do that.
And like beating yourself up, it's not that at all.

(09:15):
What it is is it's just awareness.
It's taking a little bit of timeto think back to how it went so
that you actually have awareness.
Because when you don't do that intentionally, a lot of times
it's like the last thing that'llkind of stick with you.
Or it's 1 little aspect. It'll stick with you or you move
on to some other aspect of life and you don't really kind of pay

(09:38):
attention to how it went very specifically at all.
You just kind of have whatever the aftermath is emotionally,
physically, whatever, for good or for bad, and there's not
really a lot of conscious thought around that.
The debrief is about having conscious thought.
It's taking a little bit of timeagain, either within yourself,
which I would recommend 100% of the time, 100% of the time, or

(10:01):
when you can and when you can have these kind of debriefs with
your partner, it can really bring you closer together.
It can make your relationship stronger.
It certainly will improve and deepen and strengthen the sex
and the sexual connection that you have with your partner over
time. So you take a little bit of time
after that to think back to, OK,what was my intention?

(10:23):
How did I kind of follow throughon that?
You think about what worked, what didn't?
What kind of kept you on track with flow and kept you really
connected with your partner and kept your body kind of working
how you want it to work? What didn't right where let's
say things were kind of going real well and then it shifted
and all of a sudden they weren'tgoing very well.
Well, what changed? Taking a little bit of time

(10:46):
after that to kind of think about, oh, well, that was the
moment that I got really caught up in my head and so I wasn't
really present in the moment anymore.
And that's what happened. Now, one thing I would
definitely recommend as part of this debrief is check in with
some gratitude for anything and everything that went well.
If you have the opportunity to be intimate with someone that

(11:08):
you care about, there's something to be grateful for
there. There's probably a lot of things
to be grateful for. So checking in with overall
gratitude for your relationship,for your partner, gratitude for
any of the specific kind of things or moments or things that
were said or things that you felt gratitude.
Here's the awesome thing about gratitude.
The things that we feel gratitude for, we attract more

(11:31):
of, right? So taking a little bit of time
during this debrief to check in with the things from that
experience that you're grateful for.
What will that do? That will help attract more of
those things and you'll experience more of those things
in the future when you're havingsex.
So in the debrief, we've thoughtabout what worked, what kind of
didn't work. We thought about how well we
aligned with our intention. We've checked in with some

(11:56):
gratitude. The last thing really is just to
take some overall lessons and takeaways that you want to apply
to the next time. So let's say that again, things
are going really well and then you found yourself, you got real
caught up in your head. Maybe you were thinking about
sex specifically and like you got real nervous and you got
stuck in this mental loop of focusing on your erection or

(12:17):
focusing on something like that.And, and the more you got stuck
in that loop, the more it took you out of presence and, and
everything kind of went haywire from there, right?
So one of the lessons to learn is to develop a practice, if you
don't already have one, to deal with that when it happens,
right? So meditation and body check
insurance and various things that you can practice so that in

(12:37):
that moment when you recognize, oh, I'm kind of starting to get
caught up in my head, you can apply a technique that will
bring you back to a place of groundedness, that will bring
you back to the present moment, back to your body.
So whether it's that or any of the countless other little
layers or lessons that might come up, that's the last part of
the debrief is take a moment to decide, OK, this is kind of the

(13:01):
take away in terms of action items going into next time.
This is so unbelievably powerfulin what you will do over time
when you apply this. There is a reason why it is a
fundamental practice in the military and maybe by other
forms in all kinds of businessesand ventures and things around

(13:21):
the world. This basic idea of a pre
activity kind of check in, powwow, pre brief and a post
activity check in or debrief. You apply this to sex and your
sexual anxiety will fade away. It may not 100% go away for the
rest of your life. But I can promise you something
that I've experienced and something that I've seen so many

(13:43):
clients and friends experience is that when you apply this
along with some of the other strategies that I talked about
in terms of really optimizing and healing and lifting up your
own sexuality. When you apply this pre brief
and debrief though on a regular basis, sex will start to go
better. You're going to have more
confidence, you're going to be more connected with your
partner. You're not going to feel that
like pit feeling in the that pitin your stomach of anxiety.

(14:09):
I know that a lot of you guys have a pretty good idea of what
that feels like. The pre brief and the debrief
can help. It only helps though, if you
actually put it into practice. It's stacking another little
brick in the castle of your life, in the castle of empowered
sacred sexuality. I would love to hear your
thoughts on this, if you've beenputting it into practice.
If you try it and put it in practice, how it goes.

(14:32):
Leave a comment below. As always, thanks for being part
of the tribe. Thanks for sharing part of your
day with me. We'll talk to you soon.
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