How to Set Boundaries without Guilt

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Setting boundaries isn't about being rude or selfish—it's about protecting your peace and improving your relationships. Research shows people who set clear boundaries are not only happier but 53% more productive, while 60% of us feel stressed because we lack them.

• Boundaries are gates (not walls) that allow you to control what and who gets access to your time and energy
• Even Jesus set boundaries—if he could say no, we can too
• "No" is a complete sentence that doesn't require explanation or apology
• Reframe boundaries as acts of love that protect both parties from resentment
• Use the "pause rule" before committing to requests to give yourself time to decide
• Try the three-part boundary script: state it clearly, offer an alternative if desired, end kindly
• Start with small boundaries and build up your "boundary muscle" over time
• Leverage technology to support your boundaries (Do Not Disturb mode, calendar blocking)
• Guilt is a sign you're unlearning people-pleasing, not doing something wrong
• Every "no" frees up space for your best "yes"

This week, write down three areas where you're feeling drained, choose one boundary to practice, and tell a friend to help keep you accountable. For more resources, check out Season 1, Episode 9 on avoiding burnout as well as the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hi, friend, welcome to Holly's Highlights, a podcast
designed to encourage, inspireand equip you to intentionally
live your life full of purpose.
I'm your host, holly Kirby,motivational speaker, leadership
cultivator, marketingstrategist and personal
cheerleader.
Let's check out today'shighlights.
Hello, my friends, can I bereally honest?

(00:24):
I used to be the world's biggestpeople pleaser.
I know that may come as asurprise for you, but for most
of my life I have said yes toalmost everything those extra
projects at work, the lastminute favor, even getting out
and helping with this or that,or attending this or that, even
when I just wanted to sit athome in my sweatpants and watch

(00:46):
Netflix Speaking of the newVirgin River season.
And the new when Calls theHeart season aren't coming out
until 2026.
Now what is a girl to do?
Anyhow, I digress.
The point is there are so manytimes I have said yes when I
wanted to say no.
Now mine tend to be for tworeasons.
First of all, fomo.
It's real, that literal fear ofmissing out, especially when

(01:10):
it's with my family, because Ijust want to be with them 24-7.
Even if it's just sitting therestaring at a rock, I'm game.
But then two, I don't want tolet people down.
Well, if that sounds like you,stick with me, because today
we're talking about how to setboundaries without guilt.
I've got research, scriptureand some really practical

(01:33):
scripts that you can start usingtoday.
This one's especially for myfellow people pleasers who feel
guilty for protecting their ownpeace.
Life's hardest seasons canleave us searching for light.
Facelift, embracing HopeThrough your Heartaches is a
powerful reminder.
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(01:53):
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Facelift, embracing hopethrough your heartaches a fresh

(02:13):
perspective, a deeper faith andthe hope your heart has been
longing for.
So why does setting boundariesmatter?
Well, here's the thingBoundaries are not about being
rude or selfish.
They're about protecting thebest parts of you.
Research from the AmericanPsychological Association says

(02:35):
60% of us feel stressed becausewe don't set clear boundaries,
whether it be at work or inrelationships, and Harvard
Business Review found thatpeople who do set boundaries
they're not only happier, butalso 53% more productive.
So let me ask you do you wantto be more stressed and
resentful or more peaceful andproductive?

(02:56):
Well, hopefully you chose thelatter, and in that case,
boundaries are the answer.
One verse that can really helpchallenge our thought process is
Proverbs 4.23.
Above all else, guard yourheart, for everything you do
flows from it.
Think about that.
Guarding your heart isn't beingcold or selfish, it's

(03:19):
protecting your peace so thatyou can love better.
Even Jesus set boundaries InMark 1, people begged him to
stay and heal more in one town,and what did he say?
Nope, he moved on.
If Jesus can say no, oh mygoodness, you and I can too.
Brene Brown, author of Dare toLead, expresses that daring to

(03:41):
set boundaries is about havingthe courage to love ourselves,
even when we risk disappointingothers.
See, she nails one of myconcerns.
Now, one thing I've caughtmyself doing is if I do say no,
or implementing my boundarieswell, I often explain why I have
such a boundary or why I'munable to do something.

(04:01):
American novelist Anne Lamottbrilliantly shares that no is a
complete sentence.
Isn't that freeing?
No period, not no comma, not noexplanation, not no apology,
just no.
Now there are different typesof boundaries Boundaries out of

(04:21):
pride, where we won't acceptsomething from others, and to
that I like something a Sundayschool teacher of mine said
years ago don't rob someone thejoy of doing something for you,
but then also boundaries westruggle to set regarding what
we will allow or what isacceptable within our life, and
this could involve behaviors,actions, responsibilities,

(04:43):
interactions with others.
It could be from what wephysically do, emotionally, how
we allow ourself to feel, whatwe spend our time on, our mental
space, material stuff, even ourrelationships with others.
It could include anyone in anyplace, from family and friends
to work and church and school,or simply out and about in the

(05:03):
world with strangers.
Let's take a look at fivepractical strategies that can
help us set those boundaries inour life.
First off, reframe boundaries aslove.
When I started really focusingon practicing boundaries, I kept
telling myself I'm notrejecting someone, I'm
protecting both of us fromresentment.

(05:24):
See, saying no now is actuallysaying yes to a healthier
relationship.
What seems like a simpleboundary I really have had to
hold myself accountable to thisyear is not cleaning up after
one of my kiddos.
Now I knew setting the boundaryof not cleaning up this child's
mess would set that boundaryfor me of not feeling like a

(05:45):
maid, but also help show love inteaching this child how to be
more responsible.
Now, sometimes that is trulyhard, as I like to serve my
children and I like to do thingsout of love for them, of my
children, and I like to dothings out of love for them.
But I had to reframe thisboundary as love in what I was
giving them, so the opportunityto mature and be more

(06:06):
responsible.
So reframe boundaries as love.
Two the pause rule.
Instead of blurting out, yes,try, let me check my schedule
and get back to you Now.
I use this one all of the time,not only because I do have a
very full schedule and legitneed to check my calendar, but
it also gives me space beforecommitting.

(06:28):
Now, during this time, we couldask ourself do I want to
actually do this?
But for me, I genuinely enjoyserving and helping others.
So it's not a matter of want,but rather, should I actually do
this, or am I just afraid ofdisappointing someone?
I once heard the fact of sayingyes to something is saying no

(06:50):
to something else, and I oftenuse that as a filter.
So guard your yeses andimplement the pause rule.
Number three the three-partboundary script.
Sometimes we just don't knowwhat to say or how to handle
implementing our boundaries.
So try this next time someoneasks too much of you, first off,

(07:12):
state it clearly I'm notavailable on Sundays.
Two offer an alternative if youwant to, but I'd love to meet
you on Monday.
And then three end kindly.
Thanks for understanding.
See how it's clear, kind andnot apologetic.
That's the sweet spot.

(07:37):
Now I'm still working on this,as I often apologize for
everything.
State it, offer an alternativeif you want, and end kindly.
There's a simple three-partboundary script.
Now, number four start small.
Don't start with saying nogetting together for a family
function or a work obligation.
Start with something likemuting that noisy group chat
after 10 pm.

(07:57):
Boundaries are like musclesthey get stronger the more you
use them.
But you got to start small andbuild up.
And then, number five leveragetechnology.
Use your do not disturb on yourphone, block out, focus time on
your calendar.
I have started muting my phoneto help with distractions while
I'm doing something, so settingthe boundary of accessibility

(08:20):
24-7.
And I even plug in my phone andleave it in a separate room at
night so that I can protect theboundary of time with my
munchkins.
Remember, even Jesus had tosneak away to recharge.
You're allowed to also.
So what can we simplisticallytake away from today?
Well, boundaries are gates, notwalls.

(08:40):
Walls shut people out, butgates allow you the flexibility
to decide what and who to allowaccess to your time, emotions
and your life.
Guilt is also a sign thatyou're unlearning
people-pleasing not that you'redoing something wrong, so don't
let anyone tell you or make youfeel otherwise.

(09:01):
In other words, don't lose yourboundaries to needy or powerful
or power hungry people, andevery no frees up space for your
best.
Yes, I like to think of it asmy no's are an investment to
what I get to say yes to.
Here's your challenge for theweek.
I want you to write down threeareas where you're feeling

(09:24):
drained.
Think about them for a momentand then write them down.
Three areas where you'refeeling drained.
Then I want you to choose oneboundary to practice.
Write it down wherever you needto so that you can hold
yourself accountable to it,whether it be on a sticky note,
put it up on your mirror or onyour desk computer, whether it

(09:45):
be to put it in your phone inthe notes section there.
But choose one boundary topractice this week.
And then I want you to tell afriend or me if you tag me at
Holly Kirby on Instagram,holly's highlights on Facebook,
but share what you're committingto, I promise, the more you
practice, the easier it's goingto get.
Want more related to this topic.

(10:07):
Check out six tips to avoidburnout right here on Holly's
Highlights podcast, in seasonone, episode nine.
And then I highly, highly,highly recommend the book
Boundaries by Henry Cloud andMark Townsend.
They'll dive in deep on when tosay yes, how to say no, and all
so that you can take control ofyour life.
I went deep in this book aboutthree years ago and it is one of

(10:30):
the best, very well worth theread in time investment.
There's also a workbook thatcan accompany it.
If you want to do that, Ihighly recommend that too, and
that will help you truly tacklethis topic.
And just throwing it out there,this book is a fabulous one for
a book club or even Bible studyto do with others.
Now, if this episode hit home, Iwelcome you to send it to a

(10:50):
friend who never takes a lunchbreak, or that coworker that
says yes to every meeting.
Share it to your stories, eventag me.
I'd love to cheer you on as youstart building boundaries
without guilt.
Remember, protecting your peaceis not selfish, it's sacred and
well.
If you think this topic hasn'tapplied and you got this all

(11:10):
under control.
I'd ask the all too famousquestion from Dr Phil how's that
working for you?
As Proverbs 22, three cautionsthe prudence, see danger and
take refuge, but the simple keepgoing and pay the penalty.
Thank you for joining me onthis journey of life.

(11:30):
I hope that today's highlighthas been encouraging, inspiring
and equipping so you can go outand live your life full of
purpose.
I'd be honored if you'd take amoment to leave a review or,
better yet, subscribe.
We can also stay in touch byjoining my email list at
hollykirbycom, that'sH-O-L-L-Y-C-U-R-B-Ycom.

(11:53):
Until next time, make it agreat day for a great day.