The Power of Not Arguing

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Ever felt that irresistible urge to correct someone? That burning need to prove you're right? You're not alone. In this revealing episode, I share how an unexpected encounter with wildlife laws during a Caribbean cruise reminded me of a powerful leadership lesson: sometimes the wisest choice is simply not to argue.

While celebrating my daughter's graduation with a perfect vacation, my daughter, her bestie, her bestie's mom, and me eagerly anticipated holding sloths and playing with monkeys in Honduras. When our cruise ship head waiter casually mentioned our inability to interact with these animals, my first instinct was disbelief and a desire to prove him wrong, but I settled for thinking I must have misunderstood him. The next day in port, I discovered he was absolutely right – and I was reminded a valuable lesson about humility, influence, and the energy we waste on unnecessary arguments.

Through this experience, I explore three critical leadership principles that can transform both professional and personal relationships. First, embracing curiosity over certainty opens doors that rigid conviction closes. Second, preserving relationships matters more than winning points in most situations. And finally, timing is everything – not every comment requires an immediate response. I share practical strategies including the "pause before you pounce" technique, replacing statements with questions, and exercises to build your "let it go" muscle.

Whether you're leading a team, navigating family dynamics, or simply trying to have more productive conversations, these insights will help you choose your battles wisely. As the penguins in Madagascar wisely advise: "Smile and wave, boys, smile and wave." Leadership isn't about being right in every moment – it's about being effective. 

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Visit www.hollycurby.com for more information and to sign up for the monthly Holly's Happenings e-newsletter. Holly's Highlights podcast and the opinions and ideas shared within it are for entertainment purposes only. The advice should be confirmed with a qualified professional.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hi, friend, welcome to Holly's Highlights, a podcast
designed to encourage, inspireand equip you to intentionally
live your life full of purpose.
I'm your host, holly Kirby,motivational speaker, leadership
cultivator, marketingstrategist and personal
cheerleader.
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Speaker 1 (00:45):
Welcome back to Holly's Highlights, where you've
heard me before explore reallife moments that have taught me
some powerful leadershiplessons.
Well, today, as we talk aboutthe art of not arguing, I'd like
to share with you a bit aboutwhat monkeys, sloths and
Honduran wildlife laws can teachus about influence, humility
and leadership at any level.

(01:06):
Now, if you follow me onInstagram or Facebook, you see
that I just returned from aWestern Caribbean cruise for my
daughter's high schoolgraduation slash 18th birthday.
We had the best vacation withher bestie and her bestie's mom
Truly a week to remember.
One of those excursions we hadplanned, though we were all
beyond excited, for it was oneof those bucket list moments you

(01:28):
didn't even know was on yourbucket list.
It was holding a sloth andplaying with monkeys in Honduras
.
We were all so excited and hadbeen talking about this for
months.
Well then, when we were on thecruise, at dinner the night
before that excursion, our headwaiter asked what we were doing
in port the next day.
We all bursted out about oursloth and monkey adventure that

(01:49):
awaited, and he, casually, wastelling us about the monkeys
that live in his backyard backin his country, where he's from,
and that he could play withthem and hold them, but that it
was too bad that we couldn'thold them anymore.
Now, immediately my brain wentto that can't be right.
I must have misunderstood whathe was trying to say, or perhaps
he didn't know what we weredoing.

(02:09):
For our excursions we weregoing to get to hold sloths and
play with monkeys.
You know, I just wanted to pushback to explain, to perhaps
even Google it or show him ourtickets to prove him wrong.
But something inside me justsaid let it go wrong, but
something inside me just saidlet it go Now fast forward to
Honduras.
That next day, it turns out, anew law had just passed no

(02:31):
holding sloths, no playing withthe monkeys.
The waiter was completely right.
Now, a little detail to givehere is supposedly the law was
created just recently in Aprilof 2025, as some of these places
who had monkeys and had slothsweren't giving the monkeys
enough rest in between suchplaytimes, or they were allowing

(02:52):
the patrons to hold the slothstoo much, not giving them
natural playtime in theirenvironments.
So the law made sense.
But in that moment I realizedhow tempting it is to need to be
right and how much energy wecan waste proving a point,
especially when we don't havethe full picture.

(03:13):
Now we all face these moments inthe office, at home, on social
media, that urge to argue.
It's like an itch we want toscratch.
But as leaders, our influenceoften depends more on what we
don't say than what we do.
Now there are three leadershiplessons I think we can get from
this.
First of all, curiosity overcertainty.

(03:34):
Harvard Business Review foundthat leaders who ask more
questions are rated as moreeffective by 85% of employees.
And Aristotle said it is themark of an educated mind to be
able to entertain a thoughtwithout accepting it.
Now I've witnessed this with myown children.
One will say something that theother one misunderstands, and

(03:56):
suddenly they snap back indefense.
It's frustrating for all whowitness it, but it's also a
little comical as it's.
Just as we just said, wemisconstrue things and
misunderstand Instead of arguing.
What if we stopped and askedquestions to be able to
understand, we all could avoid alot of misunderstandings
altogether.

(04:16):
Right, so ask those questions,my friends.
Remember.
Curiosity opens doors.
Certain certainty closes them.
Number two preserve therelationship over winning the
point.
A study from the University ofCalifornia showed that
contentious debates in workplaceteams led to a 27% drop in

(04:39):
trust between members.
Dr Phil says and probably halfof all long-term couples would
agree with him you can be rightor you can be married.
So, in other words, is itreally worth the argument?
There are many a times I'll besitting in a staff meeting and I
feel this one.
I'd much rather preserve therelationship, though, than hurt

(05:00):
someone's feelings or evenembarrass them by proving them
wrong.
Likewise, I'm grateful fortimes people have let me lead
with my dignity.
So next time you're eager toargue, think about how sometimes
, the cost of being right is fargreater than the value of being
right.
And number three timing iseverything In my cruise story.

(05:22):
Had I argued at dinner, I wouldhave not only wasted emotional
energy but also potentiallylooked very foolish later.
We live in such an instantaneousworld that we tend to think we
have to do something, to takeaction now.
But you don't have to respondinstantly, whether that be in
response to a text or an emailor even a remark.

(05:44):
Pausing gives you the space tochoose whether an argument is
even worth having Now.
There are three things I thinkwe can implement next time we're
tempted to argue.
First off would be a pause.
It's that whole pause.
Before you pounce when you feelthat I'm right impulse, just
wait five seconds beforeresponding.
Ask yourself will this matterin 24 hours from now, or even is

(06:08):
it true?
Is it necessary?
Is it kind?
Second thing that we can do isto swap statements for questions
.
So instead of that's not true?
Try, oh, where did you hearthat?
Or what makes you say that?
Even if someone always hasfacts wrong, instead of just
dismissing them, we can evenhelp them learn to fact check

(06:29):
versus believe everything theyhear by simply asking questions.
And the third tip build a let itgo muscle.
Any song come to your mind.
Choose one conversation thisweek where you could argue, but
you choose not to Maybe journalthe outcome or just take note of

(06:51):
how the relationship or toneimproved.
So pause before you pounce,swap statements for questions
and build a let it go muscle.
I really resisted the urge tosing there.
You're welcome.
Overall, keep in mind thatresisting the urge to argue it's
not a weakness, it's actually aleadership strength.
Curiosity protectsrelationships and creates better

(07:13):
outcomes than certainty alone.
So keep in mind we might nothave the latest update, but we
can stay curious versus certainand, just as in parenting, pick
your battles.
You don't have to fight everybattle or argument.
See the best leaders.
They choose wisely.
Make sure that the wise leadershows up, not the foolish.

(07:36):
Socrates said, when the debateis lost, slander becomes the
tool of the loser.
But I'd add, when the debateisn't even worth having, the
best leaders simply smile andsave their energy for what
really matters.
Or, as the penguins inMadagascar say, smile and wave
boys, smile and wave.
If today's episode helped yourethink the way you handle

(07:58):
disagreements, I'd welcome youto share it with someone who
might be gearing up for anunnecessary argument.
And remember leadership isn'tjust about being right, it's
about being effective.
Thank you for joining me onthis journey of life.
I hope that today's highlighthas been encouraging, inspiring
and equipping so you can go outand live your life full of

(08:21):
purpose.
I'd be honored if you'd take amoment to leave a review or,
better yet, subscribe.
We can also stay in touch byjoining my email list at
hollykirbycom, that's H-O-L-L-Y,c-u-r-b-y dot com.
Until next time, make it agreat day for a great day.