Why We Feel Insulted - 5 Steps to Turn Offense into Strength

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Have you ever tried to help someone, only to be met with that tone? You know the one — the subtle dig, the dismissive glance, the air of superiority that makes you pause and wonder:
“Wait… did they just talk down to me?”

In today’s episode of Holly’s Highlights, we’re unpacking a powerful truth:

👉 What if offense is more than hurt feelings — what if it’s an opportunity for growth?

You’ll learn:
💡 Why your brain processes offense like physical pain
💡 The two core emotional needs offense threatens
💡 How to reframe your interpretation using biblical truth & psychological insight
💡 5 practical steps to turn offense into strength
💡 Why pausing before reacting can protect your peace — and your purpose

With wisdom from Scripture (Proverbs 19:11, Ecclesiastes 7:21), insights from therapy models, and a vulnerable real-life story, Holly walks you through how to go from wounded to wise — from reactive to resilient.

✨ Whether you’re a parent, leader, friend, or faith-driven encourager — this episode will help you:

✔️ Guard your identity
✔️ Respond with grace instead of gossip
✔️ Reclaim your power when someone else’s tone tries to steal it

🔔 If this episode hit home:
✅ Subscribe so you never miss a moment of encouragement
📝 Leave a review — it helps more women find hope and strength
📲 Share this episode with a friend who’s navigating hurt or misunderstanding
📚 Grab Holly’s book “Face-Lift: Embracing Hope Through Heartache” — available on Amazon & local bookstores

💬 Join the conversation:
Have you ever felt dismissed or talked down to when trying to help? How did you handle it — and what did it teach you?
DM Holly on Instagram or tag @hollyshighlights with your takeaway from today’s episode!

Next Week: 🎧 “How to Set Boundaries Without Guilt — A Practical Guide for People-Pleasers” 💪

🌟 And remember:
You is smart. You is kind. You is important.
And you are strong — even when it stings.

Support the show

Visit www.hollycurby.com for more information and to sign up for the monthly Holly's Happenings e-newsletter. Holly's Highlights podcast and the opinions and ideas shared within it are for entertainment purposes only. The advice should be confirmed with a qualified professional.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hi, friend, welcome to Holly's Highlights, a podcast
designed to encourage, inspireand equip you to intentionally
live your life full of purpose.
I'm your host, holly Kirby,motivational speaker, leadership
cultivator, marketingstrategist and personal
cheerleader.
Let's check out today'shighlights.
Hi, I am Holly Kirby, speaker,author and host of Holly's

(00:24):
Highlights Podcast.
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(00:45):
That's wwwhollykirbycom.
Let's stay connected.
I've got so much more to sharewith you.
Hello, my friends, have you evertried to help someone?
Maybe offered your time, yourenergy, even kindness, and
instead of appreciation, you gotthat tone.

(01:06):
Now you know the one, thatsubtle dig, that air of
superiority, that chesttightening feeling that makes
you think, wait, did they justtalk down to me?
Well, it happened to merecently and I was genuinely
trying to help someone.
But the way they spoke it justfelt like I was being dismissed,
like I didn't measure up, and,I'll be honest, I felt not only

(01:29):
hurt, but I felt offended.
But here's the question I wantus to unpack today why do
moments like that hurt so deeplyand, even more importantly, how
can we use offense as a toolfor growth rather than emotional
baggage?
So what's really happening whenwe feel offended, when we feel
insulted?

(01:50):
There's actually a fascinatingpsychological process happening.
According to research from theAmerican Psychological
Association, perceived insultstrigger the same regions of the
brain as physical pain,especially the anterior
cingulate cortex.
In other words, your brainprocesses social rejection and

(02:10):
emotional hurt like a punch inthe gut.
But there's more.
When we sense condescension, itoften pokes at two very human
needs, the first of those beingthe need for respect because,
let's face it, we're humans andwe are wired for dignity.
But that second one is the needto be seen accurately.
We want our intentions to beunderstood.

(02:33):
Now, when either of these getthreatened, the brain's threat
detection system so the amygdalait goes into high alert and
that's why our heart races, ourface gets warm and even our mind
starts firing back those mentalcomebacks.
Or, if you're like me, itdoesn't come until later on, and
then I kind of regret that Ididn't come up with them sooner.
But it's actually probably agood thing that I didn't hurt

(02:55):
anyone's feelings by being ableto come back with such wit.
Well, here's the twist we needto keep in mind when this
happens what we feel isn'talways what actually is being
said.
Dr Albert Ellis, the founder ofRational Emotive Behavior
Therapy, once said you largelycontrol your emotion by how you
interpret what happens to you.

(03:16):
So sometimes people are reallytalking down to us, but other
times their tone is shaped bytheir own insecurities or stress
or even just lack ofself-awareness.
And we just happen to be thenearest target In my situation,
when I replayed the moment, Irealized I didn't just hear
their words.
I actually filtered it throughpast experiences where I had

(03:38):
been underestimated, and thatfilter then magnified the sting.
Now, when I get in my feels, Ilike to see what scripture says
about how I'm feeling, and theBible actually has a lot to say
about how we handle moments likethese.
Proverbs 19.11 says A person'swisdom yields patience.
It is to one's glory tooverlook an offense.

(03:59):
And Ecclesiastes 7.21-22reminds us Do not take heart all
the things that people say,lest you hear your servant
cursing you.
Your heart knows that manytimes you yourself have cursed
others.
Now these verses aren't tellingus to ignore mistreatment, so
don't misunderstand me, but theyare encouraging us to choose a

(04:20):
posture of patience andperspective, recognizing that
offense is often a mirror, andit's showing us both their
humanness but also our own.
Eleanor Roosevelt famously saidno one can make you feel
inferior without your consent,and you might recognize that
from our season two, episode 17,topic of overcoming inferiority

(04:42):
.
Now, while Ms Roosevelt's wordsare empowering, they also are a
challenge, because it meanspart of the work is actually
ours.
The way we respond determineswhether we stay in a place of
offense or we move into a placeof strength.
So how can we turn offensesinto that strength?

(05:03):
Well, there's five we're goingto unpack here.
First of all, pause beforereacting.
Give your brain just six to 10seconds to switch from that
amygdala so the reactive brainto the prefrontal cortex, the
rational side of the brain.
Deep breathe, relax yourshoulders, count to 10.

(05:23):
In my book, facelift, I sharehow we need to be cautious
responding to texts or emailswhen we're hangry or tired or
emotional.
Well, this applies here too, ofbeing in our feels.
I often remind my kids we don'thave to respond to things right
away.
We're often better actually ofjust taking a moment to breathe
and to pause before reacting orreplying, and I like to even add

(05:45):
in there, pray about it.
You'll notice.
This response instead ofreacting technique also helps
you build that emotionalintelligence too, and that is
something that a lot ofbusinesses look for in their
leaders and even their new hiresis emotional intelligence.
So pause before reacting.

(06:06):
Number two ask yourself is thisabout me or them?
See, often people project theirfrustrations or their own
insecurities, and that doesn'tmake it okay, but it can help
you to not internalize it.
We can, however, ask ourselfwhy it bothered us so much and
then try to trace that emotionso you can work on that.

(06:26):
Maybe their words reminded youof a past rejection or failure
that haven't fully processed asyou thought you had.
We can also take it and askourself is there any truth to
what they said, anything that wecan learn from it?
But again reminding yourselfthat often people are projecting
.
So this is more about them thanus, and that can help us not

(06:48):
take such a hard emotional hit,but rather help us build a bit
of resilience.
So is this about me or them?
Number three seek claritywithout accusation.
So try asking hey, I may bemisunderstanding, but can you
clarify what you meant.
One thing to keep in mind.

(07:09):
Here is something I heardrecently from a superintendent
of a school district out here inUtah.
He said texting or emailingshould be for informational
purposes.
Talking in person should be forconversational purposes.
That's brilliant.
So much can get lost intranslation when we text or
email.
So take the time to seekclarity in person Now.

(07:31):
Seeking such clarity helps turnthe offense into a moment of
growth.
But perhaps that growth isgoing to be for both of you,
into a moment of growth.
But perhaps that growth isgoing to be for both of you.
See, so often we have a fightor flight response to such
insulting moments.
Again, check out my bookFacelift Embracing Hope Through
your Heartaches, which isavailable on Amazon and through
your local bookstores, for moreon this topic.
But, as I tell my kids, don'trun from your giants or, in this

(07:55):
case, situations that make youfeel uncomfortable.
Otherwise your giants are onlygoing to get bigger.
So seek clarity withoutaccusation.
Number four guard your identity.
Your worth isn't up for debateperiod, so root yourself in
truth.
Psalm 139.14 tells us I praiseyou because I'm fearfully and

(08:19):
wonderfully made.
Now, part of life is learning.
We're all different.
We have different personalitiesand likes and dislikes, life
experiences, approaches tothings.
You name it.
And don't get me wrong.
We don't need to be a doormatto people, nor do we need to let
such offenses harden our heartsand make us bitter and cold.
But we can remind ourselvesthat other people's behavior

(08:41):
toward us doesn't have to defineour identity.
There's a song out there Iabsolutely love.
It's called the Truth by MeganWoods and it's regarding
reminding ourselves who we are.

(09:06):
It says we all fall short ofthe glory of God.
We all are sinners who have theopportunity to be saved by
grace.
We all have room to grow inareas we can improve and we are
all of worth, period.
So guard your identity.
Number five decide what to carryforward.

(09:27):
Not every battle needs to befought, but every moment can
teach us something.
We can take such comments andapply what we can from them, but
the rest of it that doesn'tapply.
Let it go.
Learn when to walk away, whator who to block on social media,
when to disengage, when we needto Protect your peace.

(09:49):
That is part of your strengthand the power you have in any
situation.
When my kids have been on theopposite end of an offense or
just feeling down.
I remind them of something wehear on the movie the Help you
is smart, you is kind, you isimportant, and I always add to
that, depending on which childI'm talking to, you is handsome

(10:10):
or you is beautiful and you isloved.
So decide what to carry forwardNow.
A final caution be slow to share.
When we're hurt, our instinctis to vent.
We want to go, tell anyone andeveryone who will listen, and we
want validation about how we'refeeling or what we're going

(10:30):
through, and there aresituations we are going to need
wise counsel to be able to helpnavigate a situation.
But pause and ask yourself twoquestions before you go and
share this information.
You have, or have someone doneyou wrong?
First of all, have I gone toGod about this more than I've
gone to others?
And above that, did I go to Godfirst?

(10:54):
We don't grow stronger bygossiping.
We grow stronger by groundingourselves.
So the next time someone'swords sting like a subtle jab,
remember this offense isactually an invitation not to
bitterness but to a deeperunderstanding of yourself and
others.

(11:15):
Now let's go back to that momentI shared at the beginning, the
one where I was just trying tohelp and instead I felt talked
down to and just disrespected.
In the past, I might have stoodon that moment for days,
replaying it, rehearsing what Ishould have said, letting it
take up too much space in mymind and in my heart.
But this time I chose to pause,I took a breath, I took it to

(11:38):
God and prayed about it and,instead of reacting out of hurt,
I asked myself is this reallyabout me?
Or is this person coming from aplace of their own stress or
insecurity?
And you know what that nextweek unfolded, pretty much as I
had cautioned about.
No need for any comments inreturn, no need to say I was
right.
Perhaps they never even knewhow they came across, but I

(12:02):
didn't let it define me.
I reminded myself of who I am,of whose I am, and I chose to
let that moment strengthen meinstead of shake me.
And you can too.
Now, if this episode encouragedyou, be sure to subscribe to
Holly's Highlights.
Leave a review.
This helps others find the show.

(12:22):
Share this episode with afriend who's perhaps felt
misunderstood lately, and evencheck out my book Facelift
Embracing Hope Through yourHeartaches.
It's available on Amazon and inyour local bookstores.
Now coming up in a few weeks ishow to set boundaries without
guilt a practical guide forpeople pleasers.
So this topic might be a goodone to tune into.

(12:45):
On this next one as well,remember my friend you is smart,
you is kind, you is importantand you is strong even when it
stings.
Until next time, stayencouraged, stay inspired, stay
equipped and keep shining yourlight.
Thank you for joining me onthis journey of life.

(13:07):
I hope that today's highlighthas been encouraging, inspiring
and equipping so you can go outand live your life full of
purpose.
I'd be honored if you'd take amoment to leave a review or,
better yet, subscribe.
We can also stay in touch byjoining my email list at
hollykirbycom, that'sH-O-L-L-Y-C-U-R-B-Y dot com.

(13:29):
Until next time, make it agreat day for a great day.