January 2, 2025 • 30 mins
Investigate what happens when we avoid initiation and how to recognize when we’re doing that. Through exploring the relationship between ego death, spiritual maturity, and our connection to greater Forces, we uncover why many people remain stuck in patterns of pain and projection. Learn why engaging initiation is crucial for personal growth and how avoiding it keeps us tethered to beliefs and behaviors that prevent true evolution.
“everything you want for this world, out of the beautiful innocent goodness of your Heart, can only manifest if… when… there is a Great Change in human consciousness.” — grace allerdice
we discuss —
- The difference between spiritually mature individuals who embrace initiation versus those who avoid it
- How lack of initiation keeps us stuck in adolescent emotional patterns
- Why we struggle to connect with and embody powerful energies
- The importance of death and rebirth cycles in spiritual transformation
- How to recognize and respond to initiation when it appears in our lives
- What is really behind the energy of initiation and what it could unlock
links —
If you enjoyed the episode, check out —
- Beauty is Everything 🪷
- Love the World. Now is Grace. ❤️‍🔥
Mentioned in the episode—
🌊4 Water Ways for the Soul is a self-paced mini-course that dives deeply, simply, into the principles that unblock resistance and run gracefully through life’s obstacles. Water invites you to sink deeply into something more real, and more true; and this mini-course is the perfect dose of foundation principles for engaging with the work of the soul. **Learn more and sign up for 4 Water Ways for the Soul here.🌊
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thanks for listening. peace, be well. 🙏
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
mary grace allerdice (00:05):
My name is Grace, and you're listening to
the homebody podcast.
Hello and welcome. This is thesecond episode in a two part
series on initiation. And if youhaven't already listened to the
(00:29):
previous episode, I wouldencourage you to go back and
check it out, because today I'mjust going to dive right in,
assuming that you already knowwhat I'm talking about and the
particular points that I'malready wanting to emphasize.
We've already talked about twocomponents of initiation, which
are death, ego, deathspecifically, and then also
(00:51):
encountering the great andpowerful energies within and
beyond the scene, materialworld. I would also love to know
if you've been contemplatingsome of those questions and
prompts that I left you with inthe previous episode, I would
love to know what's opened upfor you, what you've discovered,
what you've noticed, whatquestions have arisen, you can
(01:14):
let me know what's come up foryou by going to the link in the
show notes and sending me aMessage. I'd love to hear more
about your journey. And asyou've been contemplating some
of this, you might be thinking,This doesn't sound very fun. Why
would I do this? Why would Iconsciously do this? If culture
is not making me do it? Whyshould I engage with it or seek
(01:36):
it out on my own? And I'll startby saying that you will notice
people who are spirituallymature, people who in general,
seem to be operating in a sphereof freedom, are very good at
this. They can see and smell aninitiation coming from a mile
(02:02):
away, and they don't evenflinch. They don't even wait for
it. They start running towardsit, collaborating with it like a
great improv piece. And theybecome so skillful and adept at
this that transformation becomessomething that they're very good
at and something that they're nolonger afraid of. On the other
(02:22):
hand, most people are like,again, this doesn't sound very
fun, but I would argue, and dostart running the other way. And
again, even for the people whoare good at this, there's
probably still, and might be avoice that's like, my ego does
not like this. But once one hasbecome skillful and that ego has
(02:44):
gotten to its proper size, thatvoice in proportion to other
parts of self and greater selfhas become quite small. And I
would also argue that, yes,maybe it doesn't sound very fun
at first. I would argue thatit's even less fun to not do it.
Unknown (03:04):
Why do I say that?
Well,
mary grace allerdice (03:06):
what happens when we don't do any of
this? Obviously, most people arenot doing it. It's not how most
people are living their lives.
At best, again, most people areadult teenagers with a lot of
unconscious child ego drivenenergy, still looking for
approval like a bottomless pit,level of belonging, acceptance,
unconditional love that allhumans desire, but that your
(03:30):
parents, the world in general,just can't give you. That
fulfillment is never going tocome from out there in that way,
and because that child, ego,bottomless pit, hunger never
gets satiated, and we're pullingon the wrong cord. We keep
scratching that itch, the scabskeep coming off. We keep
(03:53):
wondering and wandering, whenare they going to see me? When
am I going to be accepted? Andit becomes this general internal
scream of frustration, like,when will they see and accept
me? And maybe they will, maybethey won't. Whoever they is at
any given time, often, a lot oftimes, it's secretly the
(04:14):
parents. But again, most peopleare still like stuck teenagers
in their own right, and theactual spiritual connections you
have with your parents or anyother individuals may or may not
be that important in thislifetime. I don't know who's to
say, but ultimately, looking forabsolute acceptance, wholeness,
(04:35):
belonging that supersedes allconditions that comes instead
from the great and powerful,from the Great Mother and the
Great Father, to whom you trulybelong, but who you never met
and you weren't tethered to, oryou mistook for your parents, or
they got convoluted in some way,and then you flushed it all down
the toilet because it waspainful, the stuck teenager
(04:57):
energy because. Comes somethingthat we then project onto all
authority figures or people whojust touch the pain of them, and
we respond to all of them in thesame way we end up unconsciously
making decisions, provingsomething to them, trying to
show everyone how right we are,trying to please them, observing
(05:18):
ourselves through judgment andpain that the ego has not
learned to let go of, and itholds us back, and it holds our
life back, and it absolutelykeeps us from transforming in
any meaningful way. The lack ofinitiation when we don't die,
when we don't tether to thegreat, cosmic mother, father,
energies, etc. We're insteadtethered to our own human
(05:42):
parents, or we're tethered towhatever is right now, which may
or may not be awesome, and thenwe are afraid of change, and
that comes out through trying toexert control or maintain
stability at all costs. Whenchange is actually greeting
(06:03):
chaos and uncertainty with skilland grace, it also inhibits our
ability to then become the nextgeneration of mothers and
fathers or the next generationof stewards of the earth or
resource, the next generation ofgreat elders. We are inhibited
because we're still driven by achild like fear of insecurity
(06:23):
and hunger. We are have notencountered our true, wide and
great belonging. And if we'reliving in reaction to or
resistance to or in service tosubordination to your human
mother or your currentsituation. How could you clearly
channel the mother with any sortof power or clear embodiment?
(06:49):
How could it possibly be inservice to someone else's
freedom, if one is still in aplace where they resent their
own lack of freedom through fearor insecurity. Initiation is how
as spiritual beings, for that iswhat we are. We are designed to
meet great and powerfulenergies, and without that
initiation, we simply and aremore often confused by them,
(07:12):
these energies, like money,mother, father, adult, husband,
woman, elder, earth, fire, sky,Jaguar, without any initiation,
(07:32):
these and things like thembecome things that we can simply
project our pain and confusiononto, and therefore we cannot
hold them, because once we gothrough the death, at the bottom
of the death, we meet the partsof us and the parts of life that
are always alive. And there isan incredible power and
(07:56):
resilience and courage thatrises up from that place. A lot
of our contemporary pain comesfrom the lack of this particular
embodied spiritual knowledge orGnosis. We don't know what it
means. We don't have a story, wedon't have a tether. We don't
have a belonging to the factthat we can literally birth a
(08:20):
being into the world that didn'tpreviously exist, and therefore
we don't know how to birthworlds. It would be hilarious if
it weren't so lacking, right?
Staying on this particularexample, it's like, girls just
get their period one day, andsomeone's like, here's some
tampons and a book. Good luck.
It's hilarious if it weren't solacking, if it weren't so
(08:40):
painful, if it weren't soimpoverished, same with sex,
same with money, we don't knowwhat they mean. We don't have a
story about our belonging to andwith them because we've never
actually met them. Our storysimply becomes the smoothie of
our pain or inheritedmisunderstanding and projection.
I hate this, but I need it, andI dislike it, and you that's
(09:03):
like my mom, but I actually wantit, and you can apply that
dynamic to pretty much anything,intimate partnerships where we
can't even see or experience ourpartners anymore because we have
this haze of projection and painand bottomless child hunger for
belonging again, because we'reso impoverished of initiation of
this language, of this myth anddeep culture of the soul of a
(09:26):
wider belonging, we have notbeen properly introduced. We
have not been initiated, andtherefore we have not been
tethered. Therefore we aremerely the culmination of our
misunderstanding and pain. Wedon't have the tools of these
great and powerful energiesbecause we don't know how to
(09:48):
access them. We don't understandtheir power. We don't have
access to their wisdom. Wehaven't encountered their
essence, and we don't know ouressence and all of that pain.
Pain and misunderstanding.
Again, to use an analogy fromthe first episode, it
conglomerates into this giantvelcro ball that's then a magnet
(10:08):
for more pain and projection andmisunderstanding inside of us.
It becomes a magnet that we justlooking for it, pulling it in,
pulling it in, pulling it in,even more pain, even more
projection, even moremisunderstanding. We hold it, we
pull it in, we pet it with ourprecious and then when it gets
too much to bear, we project itout into the wider world, and
(10:30):
then the world plays that recordback to us. We are all triggered
and triggering now, and no onehas any greater sense of
resource or resilience toanything else except our great
big velcro ball of pain andmisunderstanding. So now we are
a culture of people who justyell on Twitter, and we call it
activism in service to changingthe world again, which would be
(10:51):
hilarious if it weren't soimpoverished. It matters how we
respond when we can feel theenergy of initiation from life
coming in hot which is theenergy of great change, we can a
interpret it as that meaninglessmayhem to be controlled or run
(11:13):
from or avoided or collapsedunder or transcended. Or we can
see it as initiation, as a firethat's here to make us more of
our gold, a water that is hereto reveal what is underneath the
layers of dirt and grime. Whatis more true? Well, how do we
(11:34):
know that an initiation iscoming? What does that energy
feel like? Often we experienceit as a pressure or a bubbling
up of this energy that starts tofeel intolerable, and at times,
it's sparked by the outer world,when outer circumstances start
to dissolve or create asituation where we just
absolutely cannot go on as wehave been. For instance, when we
(11:57):
lose a loved one, or we lose ajob, or we're going through a
divorce, or we're becoming amother or changing careers,
there's a range, but the outercircumstances can start to
create a pressure that who wehave been, what we've been
doing, just cannot continue.
What Got You Here Won't Get YouThere. Other times is the
pressure sparked from the innerworld, and this is one that we
(12:17):
tend to discount the mostsomething inside of us is
letting us know that we can't goon is who we have been, and
sometimes this can correspond toan outer set of circumstances,
and sometimes it doesn't.
It's very easy, and it's alsovery culturally approving for us
(12:38):
to feel or find ourselves ingreat initiation energy, but we
interpret it as everything iswrong with the situation I'm in,
and I have to change itimmediately so that I can get
past this uncomfortablesensation. We react to potential
initiation as something is wrongout there, and we frantically
(13:00):
start rearranging the furnitureof our lives, or locking down
the furniture of our lives,thinking that it will dispel the
energy that we feel, and thenwe're all too shocked when, you
know, if we're holding thefurniture down when, like, the
quaking gets a little bit moreintense, or if we've been moving
all the furniture around, we getTo we get shocked when again, we
(13:22):
get into another relationship,we change jobs, we double down,
or maybe we get new haircuts andwe buy a new outfit and we feel
it again. Or this time, the callis louder. With no language for
initiation, with no trueculture, the energy gets
translated into consumerismoften, because that's, that's
how we know to expend energy.
And initiation has a lot ofenergy to it. Transformation,
(13:45):
Transfiguration, takes a lot ofenergy, but it's not for
consuming, per se. It's forfeeding. It's for death and
rebirth, which takes a lot ofenergy, but it's not for locking
down, doubling down and makingsure nothing changes, and it's
not for shopping and changingyour outfit. It's for reaching
(14:06):
your heart out farther and widerand deeper into the great
belonging. Others may respondfrom a more collapsed place, and
they'll be just overwhelmed bythe amount of energy and
pressure. They'll shut down.
They'll put their head in thesand, retreat. Feel even more
(14:29):
small and even more powerless asthey perceive this energy as
something intimidating, they seethat pressure as something that
is out to get them or somethingthat they can't deal with.
However we do it, when we resistthe process of initiation, all
of that energy gets stuck. Itgets confused, constipated, and
it stagnates in our life. Itstagnates life inside and
(14:53):
outside of us, and it canmanifest as grief or distress or
depression or stuck. Anger, anystuck pattern or situation we
keep finding ourselves in overand over and over again. The
soul is like bringing it backaround. Like, is she gonna do it
this time? Are they gonna takethe bait? Are they gonna really
(15:13):
do it? Or are we gonna bypassproject, dispel, throw the pain
ball around some more, and ifthe initiation energy stays
stuck and it never gets thechance to shift, to die, to
shed, to transform, to connect,to tether, it can become
destructive, even selfdestructive, or self sabotaging,
(15:34):
because it's misplaced, becauseit's misunderstood, it's trying
to die and do something else,but it can't, or it hasn't been
allowed to and now it's stuck,and that decomposition is
seeping out in more misplacedways that can become something
very destructive to self andothers, and often, but not
(15:55):
always, when we feel this stuck,stagnant energy, this is what is
behind it, but often, if we'restill the stuck teenager, we
skip it and we just go straightto confused entitlement. Well, I
shouldn't feel this way, andit's everyone else's fault. I
should have this instead. Ideserve better. I'm worth it,
blah, blah, blah, or we get intomisplaced proving energy. Let me
(16:19):
show the world how great I am,and that will help me feel
better and like I'm morevaluable and I don't deserve
this happening to me, or aconstant sense of preparation,
like I don't feel good enough,and that's why I'm angry and
depressed. And if I can justwork on my self esteem, and if I
can just be better and I can bemore perfect and more prepared,
then I'll be good enough forthis thing that I want to hold
(16:39):
or make. All of this isdifferent ways, different
strategies the ego is trying tocope with the fact that it
doesn't want to initiate, istrying to distract you from the
true task at hand. So with allof that said, Yes, feeling this
pressure, if something's got togive, something's got to change,
I would encourage you, you braveheart openers and seekers and
(17:03):
mystics, to take that energy andlook at yourself first. Sure,
maybe it's everyone else'sfault, and maybe it's
meaningless mayhem, and everyoneis being so terrible and life is
falling apart and it's so awfuland poor you maybe, or maybe
it's an initiation riding yourback, just waiting for you to
(17:24):
lie down and die, to who youhave been, how you've been doing
things, the stories you've beentelling, the unworthiness that
you're clinging to, all theother things that the ego is
clinging to. It loves itsprecious velcro ball of pain and
misunderstanding. Maybe it's aninitiation writing you so that
something new can come intobeing. When we look at it from
(17:48):
here, we can clearly see this isa great gap, and how this lack
of spiritual initiation leavesus in places full of crossed
timelines where we're stilltrying to prove and perfect and
react and please and defend allthat, looking out just in
general, somewhere for externalvalidation, for belonging in
(18:10):
places that will never find it,in places where we don't have it
to give, and we aren't childrenand we are adults and we're
accountable and expected togive, which is our destiny, but
without initiation, that feelsunfair, and we feel entitled to
some invisible thing that wecan't seem to name, and we're
unable to reckon with it,because no one introduced us, no
(18:32):
one initiated us to our owndirect divine interstellar
connection to the great andpowerful energies that sustain
us and live through us and carryus on our way. I promise you,
there is a great inheritance foryou. There. Initiation is
something that we can do andhold for ourselves. And I would
(18:55):
argue it's incredibly powerfulwhen it's witnessed within and
with community, human orotherwise, life is always trying
to initiate us, because life,which is death, is change, and
the thing that needs to changeis not out there.
Unknown (19:15):
It's us, it's you, it's me.
mary grace allerdice (19:23):
And there is a wisdom in the timing. There
is wisdom in evolution, nature,spirit. They know what time it
is, the drum of time, knows whattime it is. There is a wisdom to
what is showing up, andinitiation shows up when it's
time, letting you know from thatinside or that outside pressure,
(19:47):
it will let you know that whoyou are, who you have been, how
you are being, needs to die,needs to tether to something
even more primal, even moreprimordial, even more true, not
because it's. Wrong or bad whatyou've been doing, but because
inside you wants to be moreradiant. It wants to be more
(20:07):
true. It wants you to get closerto the courage and remembering
of who you are. It wants to drawyou in, closer to being awake in
the dream of this life andliving with the part of you that
is utterly and perfectly andprecisely luminous. It wants
that for you. You wants that foryou. And that's why and when
(20:34):
initiation shows up every timewe go through this the
concentric circles of ourbelonging and our freedom and
our power, they become wider andwider and wider until we
literally feel in our bodies andlive in our lives under the
(20:55):
knowledge that we areinextricably woven into
something great and beautifulthat is always here within you
and with you, and that is thediamond, the gold of life, to
(21:15):
have that with you. And we maythink it doesn't matter now, but
if you ever have sat withsomeone who is dying, you'll see
a range. And there are peoplewho don't have this great and
beautiful belonging, and you cansee that they feel utterly lost
and confused and scared. Andthere are people who do have
(21:38):
this great and beautifulbelonging, and they aren't
scared, and they're at peace,and they remember who they are,
and they can feel that comingeven closer, and it's beautiful.
The soul is the engine for thisprocess. It knows how to die and
(22:00):
come back to life. The soulalways knows what time it is. As
I said earlier, nature and thesoul, spirit and nature, they
know what time it is. The partof you that's scared of this
process is the ego, not thesoul. The soul knows how to do
this. It's done it many times.
It knows. It's a part ofeverything. It's the ego that's
(22:22):
scared because it's been drivingyour car instead of being the
car. And most of us, the onlytools that we have from the
culture are just affirm the ego.
Double down on the identity. Wedefault to this like false self
care of affirming the egobecause we don't know how to get
to the pain underneath, becausewe don't have a culture of
(22:42):
spirit, but we can make one. Wecan remember one when we can get
past the stuckness, when we canget past simply holding and
stroking our pain like it's ourprecious or blaming everything
in the outer world for thispressure we feel and feeling
like, if we can just control andfix the outer world, and we'll
(23:03):
feel better, and this pressurewill go away, and then I'll feel
better about who I am, if we canreally, truly, bravely step
through the veil of initiation,shedding the less true layers
for something very true andawake inside of you, connecting
and reconnecting to the greatand powerful energies and life
force that carry you throughdeath and through this life and
(23:26):
rebirth you over and over andover again, we will experience
something very great, somethingthat is not an act of willpower
or retaliation, something thatis not About exerting constant
control over our behavior andour surroundings, to look or act
or affirm us in a particularway, we will embody something
(23:49):
from the inside out, like thedragonfly, leaving the water,
becoming a creature of water andbecoming a creature of air, like
a Caterpillar, becomingsomething else entirely, like a
butterfly. These are powerfulforces. These are powerful
processes that are here, but wehave lost the skills and the
(24:09):
knowledge and the stories toreckon with. They are powerful
processes to go through, andthey are non negotiable. We will
meet them, whether we know how,whether we're being willing or
not, but we could be courage. Wecould greet them with awareness.
(24:32):
If we're truly going to die andlive well and parent well and do
anything from our deep well, wemust learn how to do this, or
we'll live small and scared andentitled because we're just
living for the ego that's tryingnot to change at any cost. We'll
stay small and attached to ourfear because we think our ego is
(24:55):
us and that it's all we have,and who am I if I let go of all
my fear? And smallness andidentities and how it is right
now. What about my pain and myconfusion and my entitlement and
all the people that I hate like?
Who will I even be? If I letthat go, I'll tell you who
you'll be. You'll be free.
(25:15):
You'll be unafraid of death,because you've done it so many
times before you actually do it.
You'll be invincible. You'll bebrave. You'll be a true lover of
the world, yourself and others,holding on to your ego for dear
life, and calling it self careis a hilarious cartoon that
isn't going to take you anywhereremotely interesting or brave or
(25:38):
real, and you want to realizeyou want to become real, which
means you are going to have todie and rebirth over and over
and over again, because that'show you get to what's real. Each
time, you will become more andmore real, more and more true,
more and more embodied with eachnew chapter and iteration of who
(26:01):
you are, this energy of life,death, life, which is the force
behind initiation, beckoning toconnect to you to something more
real, something bigger than thething that dies, this energy is
what then creates you into abeing who can surf the waves of
chaos and life and uncertainty,and instead of flailing and
(26:25):
drowning or fighting or beinglost at sea, you can ride the
waves. And when it's a life anda beyond this life force that
you learn to hold in your bodyand in your nervous system and
in your field, you'll be able toenjoy your current life, your
(26:45):
body and the world so much more.
You'll be able to manifest agreater more loving, more true,
more aligned, powerful life.
You'll be able to then serve theworld from a more powerful,
transformative place, becauseyou've learned to embody the
energy of transformation, not asa force of needless destruction,
(27:08):
trigger fight, response ofsabotage or pain and calling it
hope or, who knows what else,you'll embody the field of the
life that is bigger than lifeand death and hold it. And
therefore when you walk alongthe ground, you will carry the
fragrance of change. Everythingyou want for this world out of
(27:31):
the beautiful, innocent goodnessof your heart can only manifest
if when there is great change inconsciousness, in human
consciousness period, none ofthe isms, reforms, structural
changes, would do literallyanything. They won't do anything
(27:55):
to manifest the things of truthand beauty in love, unless the
field of human consciousnessbecomes these things, which
isn't about changing the wordswe use, it is about becoming
something altogether different.
And how do changes inconsciousness happen? They
(28:19):
happen when we do the work ofthe soul. The soul is the engine
of our alchemy, and the alchemyis fueled by this language, this
form of initiation. And I hopeI've left you with some things
to think about. I hope I'veprovoked a longing in you, a
(28:42):
desire in you for something alittle more true, a little more
real, little more you behind theyou. This language and tools of
spirit and magic andtransformation of the soul.
These are what my work is about.
So be sure to check out the shownotes for more about my current
(29:04):
offerings and gifts so that youcan deepen this process for
yourself, become more skillfulwith it, and in turn, become a
powerful and loving force of cocreation.
Unknown (29:17):
May you become May it be so, and peace be well.
mary grace allerdice (29:28):
Thank you so much for listening. If you
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resources, guests or sponsorsthat we shared with you today.
Our intro and outro music wascreated by artists Erin palavic
(29:52):
and Jared Kelly. Our podcastlogo was created by Elaine
Stevenson, and this show isproduced by softer sound studio.
Thank you. For being here. Bewell. Peace. You.
My name is Grace, and you're listening to
the homebody podcast.
Hello and welcome. This is thesecond episode in a two part
series on initiation. And if youhaven't already listened to the
(00:29):
previous episode, I wouldencourage you to go back and
check it out, because today I'mjust going to dive right in,
assuming that you already knowwhat I'm talking about and the
particular points that I'malready wanting to emphasize.
We've already talked about twocomponents of initiation, which
are death, ego, deathspecifically, and then also
(00:51):
encountering the great andpowerful energies within and
beyond the scene, materialworld. I would also love to know
if you've been contemplatingsome of those questions and
prompts that I left you with inthe previous episode, I would
love to know what's opened upfor you, what you've discovered,
what you've noticed, whatquestions have arisen, you can
(01:14):
let me know what's come up foryou by going to the link in the
show notes and sending me aMessage. I'd love to hear more
about your journey. And asyou've been contemplating some
of this, you might be thinking,This doesn't sound very fun. Why
would I do this? Why would Iconsciously do this? If culture
is not making me do it? Whyshould I engage with it or seek
(01:36):
it out on my own? And I'll startby saying that you will notice
people who are spirituallymature, people who in general,
seem to be operating in a sphereof freedom, are very good at
this. They can see and smell aninitiation coming from a mile
(02:02):
away, and they don't evenflinch. They don't even wait for
it. They start running towardsit, collaborating with it like a
great improv piece. And theybecome so skillful and adept at
this that transformation becomessomething that they're very good
at and something that they're nolonger afraid of. On the other
(02:22):
hand, most people are like,again, this doesn't sound very
fun, but I would argue, and dostart running the other way. And
again, even for the people whoare good at this, there's
probably still, and might be avoice that's like, my ego does
not like this. But once one hasbecome skillful and that ego has
(02:44):
gotten to its proper size, thatvoice in proportion to other
parts of self and greater selfhas become quite small. And I
would also argue that, yes,maybe it doesn't sound very fun
at first. I would argue thatit's even less fun to not do it.
Unknown (03:04):
Why do I say that?
Well,
mary grace allerdice (03:06):
what happens when we don't do any of
this? Obviously, most people arenot doing it. It's not how most
people are living their lives.
At best, again, most people areadult teenagers with a lot of
unconscious child ego drivenenergy, still looking for
approval like a bottomless pit,level of belonging, acceptance,
unconditional love that allhumans desire, but that your
(03:30):
parents, the world in general,just can't give you. That
fulfillment is never going tocome from out there in that way,
and because that child, ego,bottomless pit, hunger never
gets satiated, and we're pullingon the wrong cord. We keep
scratching that itch, the scabskeep coming off. We keep
(03:53):
wondering and wandering, whenare they going to see me? When
am I going to be accepted? Andit becomes this general internal
scream of frustration, like,when will they see and accept
me? And maybe they will, maybethey won't. Whoever they is at
any given time, often, a lot oftimes, it's secretly the
(04:14):
parents. But again, most peopleare still like stuck teenagers
in their own right, and theactual spiritual connections you
have with your parents or anyother individuals may or may not
be that important in thislifetime. I don't know who's to
say, but ultimately, looking forabsolute acceptance, wholeness,
(04:35):
belonging that supersedes allconditions that comes instead
from the great and powerful,from the Great Mother and the
Great Father, to whom you trulybelong, but who you never met
and you weren't tethered to, oryou mistook for your parents, or
they got convoluted in some way,and then you flushed it all down
the toilet because it waspainful, the stuck teenager
(04:57):
energy because. Comes somethingthat we then project onto all
authority figures or people whojust touch the pain of them, and
we respond to all of them in thesame way we end up unconsciously
making decisions, provingsomething to them, trying to
show everyone how right we are,trying to please them, observing
(05:18):
ourselves through judgment andpain that the ego has not
learned to let go of, and itholds us back, and it holds our
life back, and it absolutelykeeps us from transforming in
any meaningful way. The lack ofinitiation when we don't die,
when we don't tether to thegreat, cosmic mother, father,
energies, etc. We're insteadtethered to our own human
(05:42):
parents, or we're tethered towhatever is right now, which may
or may not be awesome, and thenwe are afraid of change, and
that comes out through trying toexert control or maintain
stability at all costs. Whenchange is actually greeting
(06:03):
chaos and uncertainty with skilland grace, it also inhibits our
ability to then become the nextgeneration of mothers and
fathers or the next generationof stewards of the earth or
resource, the next generation ofgreat elders. We are inhibited
because we're still driven by achild like fear of insecurity
(06:23):
and hunger. We are have notencountered our true, wide and
great belonging. And if we'reliving in reaction to or
resistance to or in service tosubordination to your human
mother or your currentsituation. How could you clearly
channel the mother with any sortof power or clear embodiment?
(06:49):
How could it possibly be inservice to someone else's
freedom, if one is still in aplace where they resent their
own lack of freedom through fearor insecurity. Initiation is how
as spiritual beings, for that iswhat we are. We are designed to
meet great and powerfulenergies, and without that
initiation, we simply and aremore often confused by them,
(07:12):
these energies, like money,mother, father, adult, husband,
woman, elder, earth, fire, sky,Jaguar, without any initiation,
(07:32):
these and things like thembecome things that we can simply
project our pain and confusiononto, and therefore we cannot
hold them, because once we gothrough the death, at the bottom
of the death, we meet the partsof us and the parts of life that
are always alive. And there isan incredible power and
(07:56):
resilience and courage thatrises up from that place. A lot
of our contemporary pain comesfrom the lack of this particular
embodied spiritual knowledge orGnosis. We don't know what it
means. We don't have a story, wedon't have a tether. We don't
have a belonging to the factthat we can literally birth a
(08:20):
being into the world that didn'tpreviously exist, and therefore
we don't know how to birthworlds. It would be hilarious if
it weren't so lacking, right?
Staying on this particularexample, it's like, girls just
get their period one day, andsomeone's like, here's some
tampons and a book. Good luck.
It's hilarious if it weren't solacking, if it weren't so
(08:40):
painful, if it weren't soimpoverished, same with sex,
same with money, we don't knowwhat they mean. We don't have a
story about our belonging to andwith them because we've never
actually met them. Our storysimply becomes the smoothie of
our pain or inheritedmisunderstanding and projection.
I hate this, but I need it, andI dislike it, and you that's
(09:03):
like my mom, but I actually wantit, and you can apply that
dynamic to pretty much anything,intimate partnerships where we
can't even see or experience ourpartners anymore because we have
this haze of projection and painand bottomless child hunger for
belonging again, because we'reso impoverished of initiation of
this language, of this myth anddeep culture of the soul of a
(09:26):
wider belonging, we have notbeen properly introduced. We
have not been initiated, andtherefore we have not been
tethered. Therefore we aremerely the culmination of our
misunderstanding and pain. Wedon't have the tools of these
great and powerful energiesbecause we don't know how to
(09:48):
access them. We don't understandtheir power. We don't have
access to their wisdom. Wehaven't encountered their
essence, and we don't know ouressence and all of that pain.
Pain and misunderstanding.
Again, to use an analogy fromthe first episode, it
conglomerates into this giantvelcro ball that's then a magnet
(10:08):
for more pain and projection andmisunderstanding inside of us.
It becomes a magnet that we justlooking for it, pulling it in,
pulling it in, pulling it in,even more pain, even more
projection, even moremisunderstanding. We hold it, we
pull it in, we pet it with ourprecious and then when it gets
too much to bear, we project itout into the wider world, and
(10:30):
then the world plays that recordback to us. We are all triggered
and triggering now, and no onehas any greater sense of
resource or resilience toanything else except our great
big velcro ball of pain andmisunderstanding. So now we are
a culture of people who justyell on Twitter, and we call it
activism in service to changingthe world again, which would be
(10:51):
hilarious if it weren't soimpoverished. It matters how we
respond when we can feel theenergy of initiation from life
coming in hot which is theenergy of great change, we can a
interpret it as that meaninglessmayhem to be controlled or run
(11:13):
from or avoided or collapsedunder or transcended. Or we can
see it as initiation, as a firethat's here to make us more of
our gold, a water that is hereto reveal what is underneath the
layers of dirt and grime. Whatis more true? Well, how do we
(11:34):
know that an initiation iscoming? What does that energy
feel like? Often we experienceit as a pressure or a bubbling
up of this energy that starts tofeel intolerable, and at times,
it's sparked by the outer world,when outer circumstances start
to dissolve or create asituation where we just
absolutely cannot go on as wehave been. For instance, when we
(11:57):
lose a loved one, or we lose ajob, or we're going through a
divorce, or we're becoming amother or changing careers,
there's a range, but the outercircumstances can start to
create a pressure that who wehave been, what we've been
doing, just cannot continue.
What Got You Here Won't Get YouThere. Other times is the
pressure sparked from the innerworld, and this is one that we
(12:17):
tend to discount the mostsomething inside of us is
letting us know that we can't goon is who we have been, and
sometimes this can correspond toan outer set of circumstances,
and sometimes it doesn't.
It's very easy, and it's alsovery culturally approving for us
(12:38):
to feel or find ourselves ingreat initiation energy, but we
interpret it as everything iswrong with the situation I'm in,
and I have to change itimmediately so that I can get
past this uncomfortablesensation. We react to potential
initiation as something is wrongout there, and we frantically
(13:00):
start rearranging the furnitureof our lives, or locking down
the furniture of our lives,thinking that it will dispel the
energy that we feel, and thenwe're all too shocked when, you
know, if we're holding thefurniture down when, like, the
quaking gets a little bit moreintense, or if we've been moving
all the furniture around, we getTo we get shocked when again, we
(13:22):
get into another relationship,we change jobs, we double down,
or maybe we get new haircuts andwe buy a new outfit and we feel
it again. Or this time, the callis louder. With no language for
initiation, with no trueculture, the energy gets
translated into consumerismoften, because that's, that's
how we know to expend energy.
And initiation has a lot ofenergy to it. Transformation,
(13:45):
Transfiguration, takes a lot ofenergy, but it's not for
consuming, per se. It's forfeeding. It's for death and
rebirth, which takes a lot ofenergy, but it's not for locking
down, doubling down and makingsure nothing changes, and it's
not for shopping and changingyour outfit. It's for reaching
(14:06):
your heart out farther and widerand deeper into the great
belonging. Others may respondfrom a more collapsed place, and
they'll be just overwhelmed bythe amount of energy and
pressure. They'll shut down.
They'll put their head in thesand, retreat. Feel even more
(14:29):
small and even more powerless asthey perceive this energy as
something intimidating, they seethat pressure as something that
is out to get them or somethingthat they can't deal with.
However we do it, when we resistthe process of initiation, all
of that energy gets stuck. Itgets confused, constipated, and
it stagnates in our life. Itstagnates life inside and
(14:53):
outside of us, and it canmanifest as grief or distress or
depression or stuck. Anger, anystuck pattern or situation we
keep finding ourselves in overand over and over again. The
soul is like bringing it backaround. Like, is she gonna do it
this time? Are they gonna takethe bait? Are they gonna really
(15:13):
do it? Or are we gonna bypassproject, dispel, throw the pain
ball around some more, and ifthe initiation energy stays
stuck and it never gets thechance to shift, to die, to
shed, to transform, to connect,to tether, it can become
destructive, even selfdestructive, or self sabotaging,
(15:34):
because it's misplaced, becauseit's misunderstood, it's trying
to die and do something else,but it can't, or it hasn't been
allowed to and now it's stuck,and that decomposition is
seeping out in more misplacedways that can become something
very destructive to self andothers, and often, but not
(15:55):
always, when we feel this stuck,stagnant energy, this is what is
behind it, but often, if we'restill the stuck teenager, we
skip it and we just go straightto confused entitlement. Well, I
shouldn't feel this way, andit's everyone else's fault. I
should have this instead. Ideserve better. I'm worth it,
blah, blah, blah, or we get intomisplaced proving energy. Let me
(16:19):
show the world how great I am,and that will help me feel
better and like I'm morevaluable and I don't deserve
this happening to me, or aconstant sense of preparation,
like I don't feel good enough,and that's why I'm angry and
depressed. And if I can justwork on my self esteem, and if I
can just be better and I can bemore perfect and more prepared,
then I'll be good enough forthis thing that I want to hold
(16:39):
or make. All of this isdifferent ways, different
strategies the ego is trying tocope with the fact that it
doesn't want to initiate, istrying to distract you from the
true task at hand. So with allof that said, Yes, feeling this
pressure, if something's got togive, something's got to change,
I would encourage you, you braveheart openers and seekers and
(17:03):
mystics, to take that energy andlook at yourself first. Sure,
maybe it's everyone else'sfault, and maybe it's
meaningless mayhem, and everyoneis being so terrible and life is
falling apart and it's so awfuland poor you maybe, or maybe
it's an initiation riding yourback, just waiting for you to
(17:24):
lie down and die, to who youhave been, how you've been doing
things, the stories you've beentelling, the unworthiness that
you're clinging to, all theother things that the ego is
clinging to. It loves itsprecious velcro ball of pain and
misunderstanding. Maybe it's aninitiation writing you so that
something new can come intobeing. When we look at it from
(17:48):
here, we can clearly see this isa great gap, and how this lack
of spiritual initiation leavesus in places full of crossed
timelines where we're stilltrying to prove and perfect and
react and please and defend allthat, looking out just in
general, somewhere for externalvalidation, for belonging in
(18:10):
places that will never find it,in places where we don't have it
to give, and we aren't childrenand we are adults and we're
accountable and expected togive, which is our destiny, but
without initiation, that feelsunfair, and we feel entitled to
some invisible thing that wecan't seem to name, and we're
unable to reckon with it,because no one introduced us, no
(18:32):
one initiated us to our owndirect divine interstellar
connection to the great andpowerful energies that sustain
us and live through us and carryus on our way. I promise you,
there is a great inheritance foryou. There. Initiation is
something that we can do andhold for ourselves. And I would
(18:55):
argue it's incredibly powerfulwhen it's witnessed within and
with community, human orotherwise, life is always trying
to initiate us, because life,which is death, is change, and
the thing that needs to changeis not out there.
Unknown (19:15):
It's us, it's you, it's me.
mary grace allerdice (19:23):
And there is a wisdom in the timing. There
is wisdom in evolution, nature,spirit. They know what time it
is, the drum of time, knows whattime it is. There is a wisdom to
what is showing up, andinitiation shows up when it's
time, letting you know from thatinside or that outside pressure,
(19:47):
it will let you know that whoyou are, who you have been, how
you are being, needs to die,needs to tether to something
even more primal, even moreprimordial, even more true, not
because it's. Wrong or bad whatyou've been doing, but because
inside you wants to be moreradiant. It wants to be more
(20:07):
true. It wants you to get closerto the courage and remembering
of who you are. It wants to drawyou in, closer to being awake in
the dream of this life andliving with the part of you that
is utterly and perfectly andprecisely luminous. It wants
that for you. You wants that foryou. And that's why and when
(20:34):
initiation shows up every timewe go through this the
concentric circles of ourbelonging and our freedom and
our power, they become wider andwider and wider until we
literally feel in our bodies andlive in our lives under the
(20:55):
knowledge that we areinextricably woven into
something great and beautifulthat is always here within you
and with you, and that is thediamond, the gold of life, to
(21:15):
have that with you. And we maythink it doesn't matter now, but
if you ever have sat withsomeone who is dying, you'll see
a range. And there are peoplewho don't have this great and
beautiful belonging, and you cansee that they feel utterly lost
and confused and scared. Andthere are people who do have
(21:38):
this great and beautifulbelonging, and they aren't
scared, and they're at peace,and they remember who they are,
and they can feel that comingeven closer, and it's beautiful.
The soul is the engine for thisprocess. It knows how to die and
(22:00):
come back to life. The soulalways knows what time it is. As
I said earlier, nature and thesoul, spirit and nature, they
know what time it is. The partof you that's scared of this
process is the ego, not thesoul. The soul knows how to do
this. It's done it many times.
It knows. It's a part ofeverything. It's the ego that's
(22:22):
scared because it's been drivingyour car instead of being the
car. And most of us, the onlytools that we have from the
culture are just affirm the ego.
Double down on the identity. Wedefault to this like false self
care of affirming the egobecause we don't know how to get
to the pain underneath, becausewe don't have a culture of
(22:42):
spirit, but we can make one. Wecan remember one when we can get
past the stuckness, when we canget past simply holding and
stroking our pain like it's ourprecious or blaming everything
in the outer world for thispressure we feel and feeling
like, if we can just control andfix the outer world, and we'll
(23:03):
feel better, and this pressurewill go away, and then I'll feel
better about who I am, if we canreally, truly, bravely step
through the veil of initiation,shedding the less true layers
for something very true andawake inside of you, connecting
and reconnecting to the greatand powerful energies and life
force that carry you throughdeath and through this life and
(23:26):
rebirth you over and over andover again, we will experience
something very great, somethingthat is not an act of willpower
or retaliation, something thatis not About exerting constant
control over our behavior andour surroundings, to look or act
or affirm us in a particularway, we will embody something
(23:49):
from the inside out, like thedragonfly, leaving the water,
becoming a creature of water andbecoming a creature of air, like
a Caterpillar, becomingsomething else entirely, like a
butterfly. These are powerfulforces. These are powerful
processes that are here, but wehave lost the skills and the
(24:09):
knowledge and the stories toreckon with. They are powerful
processes to go through, andthey are non negotiable. We will
meet them, whether we know how,whether we're being willing or
not, but we could be courage. Wecould greet them with awareness.
(24:32):
If we're truly going to die andlive well and parent well and do
anything from our deep well, wemust learn how to do this, or
we'll live small and scared andentitled because we're just
living for the ego that's tryingnot to change at any cost. We'll
stay small and attached to ourfear because we think our ego is
(24:55):
us and that it's all we have,and who am I if I let go of all
my fear? And smallness andidentities and how it is right
now. What about my pain and myconfusion and my entitlement and
all the people that I hate like?
Who will I even be? If I letthat go, I'll tell you who
you'll be. You'll be free.
(25:15):
You'll be unafraid of death,because you've done it so many
times before you actually do it.
You'll be invincible. You'll bebrave. You'll be a true lover of
the world, yourself and others,holding on to your ego for dear
life, and calling it self careis a hilarious cartoon that
isn't going to take you anywhereremotely interesting or brave or
(25:38):
real, and you want to realizeyou want to become real, which
means you are going to have todie and rebirth over and over
and over again, because that'show you get to what's real. Each
time, you will become more andmore real, more and more true,
more and more embodied with eachnew chapter and iteration of who
(26:01):
you are, this energy of life,death, life, which is the force
behind initiation, beckoning toconnect to you to something more
real, something bigger than thething that dies, this energy is
what then creates you into abeing who can surf the waves of
chaos and life and uncertainty,and instead of flailing and
(26:25):
drowning or fighting or beinglost at sea, you can ride the
waves. And when it's a life anda beyond this life force that
you learn to hold in your bodyand in your nervous system and
in your field, you'll be able toenjoy your current life, your
(26:45):
body and the world so much more.
You'll be able to manifest agreater more loving, more true,
more aligned, powerful life.
You'll be able to then serve theworld from a more powerful,
transformative place, becauseyou've learned to embody the
energy of transformation, not asa force of needless destruction,
(27:08):
trigger fight, response ofsabotage or pain and calling it
hope or, who knows what else,you'll embody the field of the
life that is bigger than lifeand death and hold it. And
therefore when you walk alongthe ground, you will carry the
fragrance of change. Everythingyou want for this world out of
(27:31):
the beautiful, innocent goodnessof your heart can only manifest
if when there is great change inconsciousness, in human
consciousness period, none ofthe isms, reforms, structural
changes, would do literallyanything. They won't do anything
(27:55):
to manifest the things of truthand beauty in love, unless the
field of human consciousnessbecomes these things, which
isn't about changing the wordswe use, it is about becoming
something altogether different.
And how do changes inconsciousness happen? They
(28:19):
happen when we do the work ofthe soul. The soul is the engine
of our alchemy, and the alchemyis fueled by this language, this
form of initiation. And I hopeI've left you with some things
to think about. I hope I'veprovoked a longing in you, a
(28:42):
desire in you for something alittle more true, a little more
real, little more you behind theyou. This language and tools of
spirit and magic andtransformation of the soul.
These are what my work is about.
So be sure to check out the shownotes for more about my current
(29:04):
offerings and gifts so that youcan deepen this process for
yourself, become more skillfulwith it, and in turn, become a
powerful and loving force of cocreation.
Unknown (29:17):
May you become May it be so, and peace be well.
mary grace allerdice (29:28):
Thank you so much for listening. If you
enjoyed the episode, please takea few moments to subscribe to
the show. Leave us a review andshare the episode. These small
tasks help our independentpodcast. So much. Be sure to
also check out the show notesbelow to learn more about any
resources, guests or sponsorsthat we shared with you today.
Our intro and outro music wascreated by artists Erin palavic
(29:52):
and Jared Kelly. Our podcastlogo was created by Elaine
Stevenson, and this show isproduced by softer sound studio.
Thank you. For being here. Bewell. Peace. You.
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