December 4, 2025 • 23 mins
What do you do when you’re hanging out with someone… and suddenly realize you have no idea if you’re on a date?
Welcome to queer dating culture—where vibes are strong, signals are subtle, and sometimes you accidentally start dating someone without either of you realizing.
In this hilarious, heartfelt episode, Goddess Brittney King and Lisset King unpack a listener question about “How do I know if this is a date?”—especially when dating women, femmes, and gender-expansive cuties.
We explore everything from the confusion of mixed signals, to the art of curiosity, to the single greatest dating tool adults rarely use: clear communication.
If you’ve ever wondered…
“Are we flirting?”
“Are they into me?”
“Is this romantic or just queer friendship intimacy?”
…this episode is basically your new survival guide.
If this conversation lights you up, tap follow, share it with someone who needs dating clarity, and leave a quick review.
💌 Ask Us Anything
Want your question featured next?
Call 971-895-4111 or DM us on Instagram @honestfeedbackpodcast.
🔗 Work With Us / Explore More
- Book a Breakthrough Session with Lisset — $500 off when you mention Honest Feedback
https://www.lissetking.com/ - Join Goddess Brittney’s transformational offerings:
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Honest Feedback was created by Brittney King and Lisset King.
Note: Honest Feedback Podcast aims to provide insights and provoke thoughtful reflection. The opinions expressed in this episode are for informational purposes only and should not replace professional advice.
Please send us your questions by leaving a voicemail at 971-895-4111, DM us on instagram @honestfeedbackpodcast or email us at thekings@honestfeedbackpodcast.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Goddess Brittney (00:00):
Some people, you're like, that ass is sexy.
And then on the date or datelike experience, you start
talking, you go, ooh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
If I am going to sit on yourface, I need you to shut up
(00:20):
immediately.
Welcome to Honest Feedback, thepodcast where deep truth meets
bold transformation.
I'm Goddess Brittany King, apleasure priestess and a
transformational retreatfacilitator who helps women
connect to their deepest truths,reclaim their pleasure, and
awaken their inner power.
Lisset (00:39):
And I'm Lisette King, an emotional ninja and
transformational coach who helpsleaders release baggage, heal
unresolved trauma, and step intotheir most aligned, purposeful
lives.
We've created this podcast forspirit-led individuals just like
you.
Seekers of truth, personalgrowth, and meaningful
connection.
Whether you're navigatinglife's big questions, craving
(01:01):
more joy and fulfillment, orsimply looking for honest,
relatable conversations, you'rein the right place.
Welcome back to HonestFeedback.
And we're here, it's almost theend of the year.
I mean it is.
Goddess Brittney (01:13):
Yeah.
It's December.
It's legit the end of the year.
Well, if there was the magical13th year month, yeah, month.
Oh, yeah, 13th month.
If we were using a differentcalendar, but this is a system
that we have chosen into bybirth, I guess.
Lisset (01:29):
Yeah.
This is the time.
This is how we chose to measuretime.
Yeah.
And we're at the end of theyear.
Yeah.
Exciting.
Isn't it?
Oh man.
And today we have an awesomequestion from someone who called
in.
Yes.
We love it.
We love a call-in.
We love a voice memo.
And it's about dating.
Goddess Brittney (01:48):
I love it.
Dating.
How fun.
And I feel like this is a funtime of year because some people
are partnered, they're incuffing season.
Other people are like, there'sall these parties.
How can I choose one?
Others of us are poly andthey're just like, I don't
choose one.
We just all wear these uglysweaters together.
We do.
We live in our collidetogether.
But dating is a fun time, andlike, you know, this is uh I'm
(02:10):
I'm excited to talk about it.
Lisset (02:12):
Yeah, especially dating women.
Goddess Brittney (02:14):
That's what the question is about.
Okay, well, let's complexities,shall we?
Yeah.
Where's the honest feedbackphone?
Lisset (02:21):
Dun-da-da-da.
Goddess Brittney (02:23):
We have an honest feedback phone.
This is the phone that you callwhen you leave a message.
It has its own phone line.
I know.
Wow.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
Hey loves, this is Jessie.
She them pronouns.
And I just want to say I love,love your podcast.
I love the converbs you'reputting out in the universe for
others to have, to think about,and the feedback that you're
getting.
Um, so here's the situation.
Basically, as I'm out theredating in the world, and I will
(02:53):
say mostly when I'm dating otherum female, uh female
identifying individuals, will beon the little thing.
Or just like hanging outbiting, like come into an event,
and it's like I get to thepoint where I don't know when
like if we're inviting is it'ssomebody like oh make them open
(03:15):
on a thing, like oh wait, or dowe just want to make it open?
Like more open than that, likeI guess what is like a good way
to like that, like um here.
Goddess Brittney (03:47):
Yes.
Lisset (03:49):
Thank you, Dusty.
Goddess Brittney (03:51):
Thank you, Dusty.
Um I I love it so much.
Do you want me to start?
Lisset (03:57):
You could start.
Goddess Brittney (03:58):
Okay.
Well, I think it's it's just sofun because how you phrased it
is I'm dating, I'm datingpeople, and you know, either
you're like, we're on a kiddate, or we're hanging out,
we're vibing.
And then I'm like, wait, are wevibing as friends?
Are we vibing as a date?
Are we vibing as just a hookup?
And like to me, I'm like, isn'tthat why we're on the date to
(04:20):
kind of discover which of thosecategories that we are falling
into?
Lisset (04:25):
Yes, but there was a thing she goes, oh, and I'm on a
date, or I'm just vibing andhanging out.
Oh, I thought it was an or, gotit.
Yeah, yeah.
There was an or.
Okay.
Because if she's on a date,then you then you know you're on
a date.
Unless you don't.
Unless you don't.
Because Britney did not know wewere on a date.
No, no, you did not know.
My bad.
Yeah.
My bad, y'all.
Goddess Brittney (04:45):
It is it's complicated in the play.
Well, this was our story.
So Lissette asked me out on adate.
And this was the fourth timeshe'd asked me out on a date.
And I had been doing my loverituals and all the things, and
so I was just like, oh, this islove.
So I said yes to this date.
And then we went on a date.
And it was pause, pause.
Lisset (05:05):
Because I'd asked her out four times, and at this
point, you know, dusty respect,because sometimes you don't know
if you're on a date.
Essentially, I was I think ofuh going on a date or hanging
out with a friend.
I call I still call it a date,I call it a coffee date.
I go on coffee dates all thetime.
I'm not on a romantic coffeedate.
(05:26):
So granted, we were going outfor Margs, so it should have
been a little more in thatcategory, but you had said no
three other times.
So for that reason, I had in mymind taken myself or Brittany
out of the romantic category andput her in the platonic
category in my mind.
Goddess Brittney (05:45):
Going, yes, and me not living in her mind
led me to believe that whensomeone said date, and also I
was new to dating women, it wasjust like she said date.
So I was like, oh, it's a date.
Then we go to the date, she'scute, I look cute, like she buys
the date, she pays for thedate.
(06:05):
I feel that makes me feel extracute.
So all things to me were like,yeah, this was a date.
And then later I was like, Iwant to take my top off.
Because I also thought this isa date, but she none of these
things again.
Pause.
Lisset (06:20):
She took her top off, which if you've known Britney
ever in person, you've seen herwithout her top off.
Unless you've only hung outwith her in like a seminar where
she's not allowed to take hertop off.
You have seen her boobs.
And it's not mean that you'redating.
So I just want to clarify thatnote because you took it.
Goddess Brittney (06:43):
So I could be dating the masses.
Lisset (06:45):
Yes.
In that case, we are in ahundred thousand-person uh
polygilles.
Oh my gosh.
So well, yes, so you took yourshirt off because you were
trying to send signals.
Goddess Brittney (06:57):
Flirtatious signals.
Oh, got it.
Yes.
Anywho, she did not know wewere on a date.
So then when we were on asecond date, which she again
thought was a friend date, um,where she had invited me to go
see this medium, and then wewent out after that.
And I was like, hey, how doesyour nesting partner feel about
us dating?
And she spit out her martini.
Lisset (07:16):
It was a full spit take.
Goddess Brittney (07:17):
It was a full spit take, and she said, We're
dating?
And I said, We're dating iswhat happened in my head.
Because I was just like, Well,you're dead now.
You've already told your boss,your dying mother, and your
therapist that you are datingthis woman.
And clearly, by that reaction,we are not.
Lisset (07:41):
And all in, you know, just so you know, I would have
played it off with your deadmom.
Just like with your dyingmother.
I would have like carried thisto the end of the yes, I am her
girlfriend.
But yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, okay, great.
So all we're saying is, Dusty,your problem is relatable.
Goddess Brittney (08:02):
Yeah, your problem is relatable, and we all
use the word, I don't know, weall lots of people use the word
date differently.
So I can understand how you canbe confused.
And, you know, it asks theplace of like, can you clarify?
Like, is it a date where you'regetting to know someone?
Because sometimes you go ondates with people and you don't
(08:23):
know them, know them.
Maybe you just thought theywere hot.
And so you're trying to decide,like, oh, do I just want to
fuck?
Like, am I interested?
Lisset (08:32):
Do I just want to make out with them?
Goddess Brittney (08:34):
Right.
Do I just want to, you know,play with their hair and feed
them grapes?
I don't know.
Speaker (08:39):
Like weird way to propose, but okay.
Goddess Brittney (08:45):
So there is a curiosity.
Okay, you go.
What do you think?
Lisset (08:48):
Uh well, you know, I I didn't think this was a problem
at first, and then I was like,oh no, this is a problem because
I've been here and this isgonna come as a shocker, but
have you tried communicatingdirectly?
Goddess Brittney (09:01):
You mean talk to the person I'm trying to put
my tongue in their mouth?
Yeah, how dare you.
Lisset (09:06):
Just a thought.
Just the thought, you know, um,Dusty, I don't know how uh
young or mature you are, andthere's a certain time in our
lives when we are adult datingwhere we actually just
communicate our feelings, andthe person has a right to say
no, that they're not interestedor whatnot.
And I have been, I have beeninterested in people, and I
(09:28):
don't know if I actually where Iwant it to go until we spend
some quality time together.
I had met one of my partnerswhen I met her, I just thought
she was the cutest thing ever.
Uh, she walked into uh somesort of I don't know, it was a a
women's circle.
And she walked in and I waslike, oh wow, she's super cute.
She was really funny in thegroup.
(09:50):
And I was like, oh my gosh, Ithink I really like this person.
And I kept trying to make planswith them.
It's a theme, I guess you couldsay.
I was trying to make themeplans with this person, and
finally we went on a on uh whatI thought was just like, let's
hang out, let's go on a date.
And I was dressed cute becauseI dress cute when I hang out
with people.
Sorry, it's a crime,apparently.
(10:13):
And I was cute, she was cute,and we were hanging out, and
then it got to a point of like,is this like is are we flirting?
Was kind of I think one of ussaid it.
And it was a like, I would liketo kiss you, and it was like, I
would like that too.
We dated for several monthsafter that, but it I would not
(10:34):
have known until we were on asituation, like in a date and
communicating that.
Goddess Brittney (10:39):
Yeah, I feel like the communication part is
key because people you're likethat ass is sexy, and then on
the date or date likeexperience, you start talking,
you go, no, no, no, no, no, no,no.
If I am going to sit on yourface, I need you to shut up
(11:03):
immediately for me to continueto be in this experience.
And so some people sometimes soit's like sometimes you just
don't know until you get intothe experience what it's gonna
be like.
Is it just a physicalconnection and that's what you
guys want it to be?
Or is it like, yeah, I feellike there's this pressure you
(11:25):
might be putting on yourself oflike, before I ask them out, I
should know.
Marriage.
Before I should ask them out, Iwant to have kids.
I mean, like, you know thatthis is just a hookup, right?
Like it's just like you know,sometimes you don't know and you
don't know until you're in theexperience and you're feeling
the thing.
And so can you allow yourselfto be present in the experience
(11:47):
and actually get curious anddiscover what's available for
you?
Because you're saying, what'sthe hesitation?
How do I break the hesitation?
Is how you said, is I thinkit's like communicating and
being present with what you'reactually experiencing in the
experience.
And you know, some of us we goon a date and the date is what
tells us no.
(12:07):
So I went on a date with awoman who I thought I was
attracted to, and in the date,like pretty early on, she said
something that I can onlycategorize as a microaggression.
And I thought you were gonnasay slightly racist.
Well, yeah, I mean, yes, that'sa microaggression.
(12:28):
And like, you know, myinterpretation of how she
presented herself and saidmicroaggression was from a place
of ignorance.
But again, for me, these werenon-negotiables for someone I
want to be in a romanticrelationship with.
I don't want to educate theperson who I'm fucking in that
(12:49):
particular realm about race anddynamics and colonialism and all
these different things.
Speaker (12:54):
Yes.
Goddess Brittney (12:55):
And so I was like, oh yeah, no, we cannot
date.
And we ended up being friendsfor a time.
And like through thefriendship, things grew, and you
know, that was there was someignorance.
There also was some othergrowth points, but either way,
it was not something that Iwanted near my vagina.
And we got to have afriendship.
(13:17):
But I that was something I onlydiscovered through going on a
date with her.
Lisset (13:21):
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
And when, you know, I think youbring up a really good point of
we don't have to know at thevery beginning where this thing
is going.
And I that's one of the thingsI love about relationship
anarchy and polyamory is thatyou don't have to decide, you're
not deciding who you need tomarry.
You know, not every date islike, because that's not we're
(13:43):
not climbing the relationshipescalator.
So it's this opportunity to goout with someone for the date of
disc for the purpose ofdiscovery.
Like, what kind of relationshipdo I want to have with this
person?
Period.
Like some people you do justwant to make out with, and some
people you end up dating forseveral months, and some people
you end up honestly.
(14:04):
When Britt and I were westarted dating, we partied a lot
together, and we're suchdifferent people.
That was dang, that was sevenand a half years ago.
We're such different peoplewhere we used to party and hang
out and and get drunk and smokeweed and all these things.
That was all of one month.
Yeah.
But it was a lot of it.
Yeah.
(14:24):
And so I I thought that Brittwas like a party girl.
There, there was there were twothings that I had this moment
of like my soul said that one,that's the one.
And my mind was like, yeah,sure.
Like this girl just likes toparty.
We're gonna have a good time.
I just didn't know that goodtime would last, you know,
forever.
But that's things can allthings can change and leave
(14:49):
space.
So maybe the hesitation thatyou're hearing, you're like, oh,
I help me with the hesitation.
The hesitation could be yourown just over flooding of
expectations.
Ooh, yeah.
So break that pattern ofexpecting anything to look a
certain way and enter into thedate with a curiosity of like,
I'm curious how this person willaffect my life.
(15:11):
I'm curious about how I canaffect their life.
And sometimes you affect themby putting your tongue in their
butt, and other times you affectthem by being their friend and
guiding them through challengingparts of their lives.
All things are probable.
Goddess Brittney (15:24):
All things are available.
Yes.
All things are available, andcuriosity is the space.
And I feel like the letting goof expectations is really,
really, really big because itreally allows you to get present
with what is actually happeningwithout having an agenda trying
to steer it any particular way.
(15:45):
Yeah.
And so, I mean, I there are norules.
There are no rules.
It's like you can make out withsomeone on the dance floor and
end up married to them.
Like you can, I don't know,have someone be a friend for 20
years in your life and thendiscover you guys are in love
with each other later.
Like it's just there's there'sso many different there's no
rules.
And you're a human and you'rehaving a relationship, and
(16:08):
you're having relationships, andthings grow and change and ebb
and flow.
And so can you releaseexpectations and get curious
about what's happening in thepresent moment for each of you?
And communication can be veryhelpful with this.
Like this is a place where thewords are helpful.
Lisset (16:26):
Yes.
And you know, to close the loopon our on that that first date
of ours is when, yes, Britneymelted into the chair and
disappeared into the ethers.
But then I I allowed myself, Iwas like, wait a second, wait a
second, pause.
Um, I am interested in you.
I have been interested in you.
(16:47):
I didn't think you wereinterested in me because of all
the no's.
Forgive me.
Yeah, I just thought you blowsomeone off three times.
That and and on that date,quote unquote, I was just
wanting to get to know youbetter.
Yeah, you know, and you're likewanting to define us.
And I was like, okay, well, Ican pivot.
(17:08):
And I said that.
I said, I can pivot.
Do you want to be on a romanticdate?
She's like, yes.
And so we m we we pivoted tobeing on a romantic date.
Yeah.
And it worked out.
Yeah.
It was funny.
Goddess Brittney (17:20):
She went like this.
Lisset (17:21):
And it's fine.
She's like, okay, romanticmode.
And you know what?
One of the best things aboutgoing into our first date, we
call the second first date theone where we turned on the
romance, the one with thatthat's our anniversary.
Because the first date, whatwas so cool about that first
(17:42):
date, and why I think thingsshifted for you is because I
won't didn't, I had dropped myagenda.
Yeah.
I had dropped my expectations.
I didn't want it, it didn'tneed to be romantic.
And so when I walked into thatbar, I had walked in, there was
no representative.
There was no like, I need toshow up a certain way to um be
romantically appealing to thisperson.
(18:03):
I just showed up, I just showedup as myself.
Goddess Brittney (18:06):
Yeah.
And and I showed up as myself,even though I knew it was a date
I had because for me, it wasbecause we had been in a
community and friendship, andlike I'd already cried at your
house many times.
Lisset (18:20):
That's a thing that happens in our house.
unknown (18:21):
Yeah.
Goddess Brittney (18:23):
But um, I also showed up without a
representative, and so we wereboth ourselves.
And something that you asked meon our second date was, hey,
well, what changed?
And I told her my feelings oflike, I just don't know if I'm
gay, if I'm queer, I don't, Idon't know, but I'm open to
exploring because I'm enjoyingconnecting with you, and I will
(18:47):
let you know as I know.
And so that was very honest forme to lean into of like, I
don't know.
Literally, I don't know.
Um, but I am I'm curious andinterested in investigating and
being with like what I'mexperiencing because it feels
really good so far.
Lisset (19:04):
Yeah.
And I mean, we took it a stepat a time, baby steps, baby
steps, and created somethingbeautiful out of it.
And the the secret sauce therewas not having expectations.
You know, it you just don'tknow.
Someone can truly be your bestfriend.
Yeah.
Goddess Brittney (19:22):
Oh, yeah.
Didn't you one of your romanticpartners is your current best
friend?
Yeah.
Lisset (19:27):
Yeah, former, absolutely.
Goddess Brittney (19:29):
Occasional.
Lisset (19:32):
Yes, one of one of my my dearest friends, we started
romantically, and uh she wasinterested in me, and I oh it's
it's one of the funniest things.
We were working together atGuitar Center, and she it was
like my first day.
I was like fresh meat, and shewalked by me to the break room
and literally moon walked backout of the break room and was
(19:54):
like, oh hi.
And there was interest there,and um, that wasn't what we were
meant to be.
Yeah, that wasn't what we weremeant to be, and we ended up
being like the best friends,like literally, I am the
godmother of her children andlove her to pieces.
She's my my ride or die, likeseriously, bury a body in an
(20:15):
instant, you know, and that isyou just don't know.
And allowing yourself to stayin that curiosity and freedom is
going to create so just waymore space for fun.
Fun.
This reminds me of what whatdid someone teach you about
attraction?
Oh gosh, I'm I can't rememberwho taught it to me.
He please forgive me if youknow the source of this.
(20:37):
Help me help me remember, butit was on the theory of
attraction, and we we'reattracted to people because
we're supposed to createsomething together.
And you know, and you think ofum old-fashioned, very like
masculine, feminine attraction,pro-creation, you create a life,
(20:59):
but also we get attracted topeople because we're supposed to
create a pops possibly abusiness or a mission or an art
project or something.
You there's attraction iscreation energy, yeah.
And like it is the the polaritycoming together to be one to
create something new.
And gosh, I I that is it's loston me who taught me that, but
(21:24):
it was one of the most beautifullessons because I really
started to honor whereattraction lies and letting it
be like, ooh, what are wesupposed to do together?
Goddess Brittney (21:34):
Yeah, you know, yeah, I love that frame
because it's a fun way to thinkabout attraction because um so
often we can be conditioned of Ifeel attraction for this
person, which means I need tostick a part inside of them.
Speaker (21:46):
Yeah.
Goddess Brittney (21:46):
And this for me opens up that space, it
brings it back to the place ofcuriosity of I feel an
attraction.
I'm excited to discover whatthe connection is, not force a
specific connection.
Yeah.
So, Dusty, I hope that thishelps, this serves you, that you
(22:06):
are feeling more supported andable to show up to your dates or
hangouts or brums.
Um with more fun and curiosityand openness to what's available
for you.
Lisset (22:20):
Yeah.
Uh, it's so fun.
You know, you mentionedspecifically dating female
identifying people.
And yo, we like to talk.
So just talk about it.
Just open up the line ofcommunication.
It's welcome there.
You don't have to play games.
You can you can communicatedirectly.
(22:42):
So I'm excited.
Let us know how this goes.
Let us know how it hits.
And if you have a question,give us a call at 971-895-4111.
Leave us a voice memo.
We love hearing your voice andbeing being able to answer you
like that.
If you like a more anonymoussituation, you could slide into
our DM on Instagram athonestfeedback podcast.
(23:04):
And make sure you hit thatlike, subscribe, share this with
a friend.
You know you've got that friendwho can use a little more help
and is communicating withsomeone.
Pass this along to them.
Yes.
Goddess Brittney (23:16):
And until we meet again, be honest with each
other.
Lisset (23:20):
Yeah.
Some people, you're like, that ass is sexy.
And then on the date or datelike experience, you start
talking, you go, ooh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
If I am going to sit on yourface, I need you to shut up
(00:20):
immediately.
Welcome to Honest Feedback, thepodcast where deep truth meets
bold transformation.
I'm Goddess Brittany King, apleasure priestess and a
transformational retreatfacilitator who helps women
connect to their deepest truths,reclaim their pleasure, and
awaken their inner power.
Lisset (00:39):
And I'm Lisette King, an emotional ninja and
transformational coach who helpsleaders release baggage, heal
unresolved trauma, and step intotheir most aligned, purposeful
lives.
We've created this podcast forspirit-led individuals just like
you.
Seekers of truth, personalgrowth, and meaningful
connection.
Whether you're navigatinglife's big questions, craving
(01:01):
more joy and fulfillment, orsimply looking for honest,
relatable conversations, you'rein the right place.
Welcome back to HonestFeedback.
And we're here, it's almost theend of the year.
I mean it is.
Goddess Brittney (01:13):
Yeah.
It's December.
It's legit the end of the year.
Well, if there was the magical13th year month, yeah, month.
Oh, yeah, 13th month.
If we were using a differentcalendar, but this is a system
that we have chosen into bybirth, I guess.
Lisset (01:29):
Yeah.
This is the time.
This is how we chose to measuretime.
Yeah.
And we're at the end of theyear.
Yeah.
Exciting.
Isn't it?
Oh man.
And today we have an awesomequestion from someone who called
in.
Yes.
We love it.
We love a call-in.
We love a voice memo.
And it's about dating.
Goddess Brittney (01:48):
I love it.
Dating.
How fun.
And I feel like this is a funtime of year because some people
are partnered, they're incuffing season.
Other people are like, there'sall these parties.
How can I choose one?
Others of us are poly andthey're just like, I don't
choose one.
We just all wear these uglysweaters together.
We do.
We live in our collidetogether.
But dating is a fun time, andlike, you know, this is uh I'm
(02:10):
I'm excited to talk about it.
Lisset (02:12):
Yeah, especially dating women.
Goddess Brittney (02:14):
That's what the question is about.
Okay, well, let's complexities,shall we?
Yeah.
Where's the honest feedbackphone?
Lisset (02:21):
Dun-da-da-da.
Goddess Brittney (02:23):
We have an honest feedback phone.
This is the phone that you callwhen you leave a message.
It has its own phone line.
I know.
Wow.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
Hey loves, this is Jessie.
She them pronouns.
And I just want to say I love,love your podcast.
I love the converbs you'reputting out in the universe for
others to have, to think about,and the feedback that you're
getting.
Um, so here's the situation.
Basically, as I'm out theredating in the world, and I will
(02:53):
say mostly when I'm dating otherum female, uh female
identifying individuals, will beon the little thing.
Or just like hanging outbiting, like come into an event,
and it's like I get to thepoint where I don't know when
like if we're inviting is it'ssomebody like oh make them open
(03:15):
on a thing, like oh wait, or dowe just want to make it open?
Like more open than that, likeI guess what is like a good way
to like that, like um here.
Goddess Brittney (03:47):
Yes.
Lisset (03:49):
Thank you, Dusty.
Goddess Brittney (03:51):
Thank you, Dusty.
Um I I love it so much.
Do you want me to start?
Lisset (03:57):
You could start.
Goddess Brittney (03:58):
Okay.
Well, I think it's it's just sofun because how you phrased it
is I'm dating, I'm datingpeople, and you know, either
you're like, we're on a kiddate, or we're hanging out,
we're vibing.
And then I'm like, wait, are wevibing as friends?
Are we vibing as a date?
Are we vibing as just a hookup?
And like to me, I'm like, isn'tthat why we're on the date to
(04:20):
kind of discover which of thosecategories that we are falling
into?
Lisset (04:25):
Yes, but there was a thing she goes, oh, and I'm on a
date, or I'm just vibing andhanging out.
Oh, I thought it was an or, gotit.
Yeah, yeah.
There was an or.
Okay.
Because if she's on a date,then you then you know you're on
a date.
Unless you don't.
Unless you don't.
Because Britney did not know wewere on a date.
No, no, you did not know.
My bad.
Yeah.
My bad, y'all.
Goddess Brittney (04:45):
It is it's complicated in the play.
Well, this was our story.
So Lissette asked me out on adate.
And this was the fourth timeshe'd asked me out on a date.
And I had been doing my loverituals and all the things, and
so I was just like, oh, this islove.
So I said yes to this date.
And then we went on a date.
And it was pause, pause.
Lisset (05:05):
Because I'd asked her out four times, and at this
point, you know, dusty respect,because sometimes you don't know
if you're on a date.
Essentially, I was I think ofuh going on a date or hanging
out with a friend.
I call I still call it a date,I call it a coffee date.
I go on coffee dates all thetime.
I'm not on a romantic coffeedate.
(05:26):
So granted, we were going outfor Margs, so it should have
been a little more in thatcategory, but you had said no
three other times.
So for that reason, I had in mymind taken myself or Brittany
out of the romantic category andput her in the platonic
category in my mind.
Goddess Brittney (05:45):
Going, yes, and me not living in her mind
led me to believe that whensomeone said date, and also I
was new to dating women, it wasjust like she said date.
So I was like, oh, it's a date.
Then we go to the date, she'scute, I look cute, like she buys
the date, she pays for thedate.
(06:05):
I feel that makes me feel extracute.
So all things to me were like,yeah, this was a date.
And then later I was like, Iwant to take my top off.
Because I also thought this isa date, but she none of these
things again.
Pause.
Lisset (06:20):
She took her top off, which if you've known Britney
ever in person, you've seen herwithout her top off.
Unless you've only hung outwith her in like a seminar where
she's not allowed to take hertop off.
You have seen her boobs.
And it's not mean that you'redating.
So I just want to clarify thatnote because you took it.
Goddess Brittney (06:43):
So I could be dating the masses.
Lisset (06:45):
Yes.
In that case, we are in ahundred thousand-person uh
polygilles.
Oh my gosh.
So well, yes, so you took yourshirt off because you were
trying to send signals.
Goddess Brittney (06:57):
Flirtatious signals.
Oh, got it.
Yes.
Anywho, she did not know wewere on a date.
So then when we were on asecond date, which she again
thought was a friend date, um,where she had invited me to go
see this medium, and then wewent out after that.
And I was like, hey, how doesyour nesting partner feel about
us dating?
And she spit out her martini.
Lisset (07:16):
It was a full spit take.
Goddess Brittney (07:17):
It was a full spit take, and she said, We're
dating?
And I said, We're dating iswhat happened in my head.
Because I was just like, Well,you're dead now.
You've already told your boss,your dying mother, and your
therapist that you are datingthis woman.
And clearly, by that reaction,we are not.
Lisset (07:41):
And all in, you know, just so you know, I would have
played it off with your deadmom.
Just like with your dyingmother.
I would have like carried thisto the end of the yes, I am her
girlfriend.
But yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, okay, great.
So all we're saying is, Dusty,your problem is relatable.
Goddess Brittney (08:02):
Yeah, your problem is relatable, and we all
use the word, I don't know, weall lots of people use the word
date differently.
So I can understand how you canbe confused.
And, you know, it asks theplace of like, can you clarify?
Like, is it a date where you'regetting to know someone?
Because sometimes you go ondates with people and you don't
(08:23):
know them, know them.
Maybe you just thought theywere hot.
And so you're trying to decide,like, oh, do I just want to
fuck?
Like, am I interested?
Lisset (08:32):
Do I just want to make out with them?
Goddess Brittney (08:34):
Right.
Do I just want to, you know,play with their hair and feed
them grapes?
I don't know.
Speaker (08:39):
Like weird way to propose, but okay.
Goddess Brittney (08:45):
So there is a curiosity.
Okay, you go.
What do you think?
Lisset (08:48):
Uh well, you know, I I didn't think this was a problem
at first, and then I was like,oh no, this is a problem because
I've been here and this isgonna come as a shocker, but
have you tried communicatingdirectly?
Goddess Brittney (09:01):
You mean talk to the person I'm trying to put
my tongue in their mouth?
Yeah, how dare you.
Lisset (09:06):
Just a thought.
Just the thought, you know, um,Dusty, I don't know how uh
young or mature you are, andthere's a certain time in our
lives when we are adult datingwhere we actually just
communicate our feelings, andthe person has a right to say
no, that they're not interestedor whatnot.
And I have been, I have beeninterested in people, and I
(09:28):
don't know if I actually where Iwant it to go until we spend
some quality time together.
I had met one of my partnerswhen I met her, I just thought
she was the cutest thing ever.
Uh, she walked into uh somesort of I don't know, it was a a
women's circle.
And she walked in and I waslike, oh wow, she's super cute.
She was really funny in thegroup.
(09:50):
And I was like, oh my gosh, Ithink I really like this person.
And I kept trying to make planswith them.
It's a theme, I guess you couldsay.
I was trying to make themeplans with this person, and
finally we went on a on uh whatI thought was just like, let's
hang out, let's go on a date.
And I was dressed cute becauseI dress cute when I hang out
with people.
Sorry, it's a crime,apparently.
(10:13):
And I was cute, she was cute,and we were hanging out, and
then it got to a point of like,is this like is are we flirting?
Was kind of I think one of ussaid it.
And it was a like, I would liketo kiss you, and it was like, I
would like that too.
We dated for several monthsafter that, but it I would not
(10:34):
have known until we were on asituation, like in a date and
communicating that.
Goddess Brittney (10:39):
Yeah, I feel like the communication part is
key because people you're likethat ass is sexy, and then on
the date or date likeexperience, you start talking,
you go, no, no, no, no, no, no,no.
If I am going to sit on yourface, I need you to shut up
(11:03):
immediately for me to continueto be in this experience.
And so some people sometimes soit's like sometimes you just
don't know until you get intothe experience what it's gonna
be like.
Is it just a physicalconnection and that's what you
guys want it to be?
Or is it like, yeah, I feellike there's this pressure you
(11:25):
might be putting on yourself oflike, before I ask them out, I
should know.
Marriage.
Before I should ask them out, Iwant to have kids.
I mean, like, you know thatthis is just a hookup, right?
Like it's just like you know,sometimes you don't know and you
don't know until you're in theexperience and you're feeling
the thing.
And so can you allow yourselfto be present in the experience
(11:47):
and actually get curious anddiscover what's available for
you?
Because you're saying, what'sthe hesitation?
How do I break the hesitation?
Is how you said, is I thinkit's like communicating and
being present with what you'reactually experiencing in the
experience.
And you know, some of us we goon a date and the date is what
tells us no.
(12:07):
So I went on a date with awoman who I thought I was
attracted to, and in the date,like pretty early on, she said
something that I can onlycategorize as a microaggression.
And I thought you were gonnasay slightly racist.
Well, yeah, I mean, yes, that'sa microaggression.
(12:28):
And like, you know, myinterpretation of how she
presented herself and saidmicroaggression was from a place
of ignorance.
But again, for me, these werenon-negotiables for someone I
want to be in a romanticrelationship with.
I don't want to educate theperson who I'm fucking in that
(12:49):
particular realm about race anddynamics and colonialism and all
these different things.
Speaker (12:54):
Yes.
Goddess Brittney (12:55):
And so I was like, oh yeah, no, we cannot
date.
And we ended up being friendsfor a time.
And like through thefriendship, things grew, and you
know, that was there was someignorance.
There also was some othergrowth points, but either way,
it was not something that Iwanted near my vagina.
And we got to have afriendship.
(13:17):
But I that was something I onlydiscovered through going on a
date with her.
Lisset (13:21):
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
And when, you know, I think youbring up a really good point of
we don't have to know at thevery beginning where this thing
is going.
And I that's one of the thingsI love about relationship
anarchy and polyamory is thatyou don't have to decide, you're
not deciding who you need tomarry.
You know, not every date islike, because that's not we're
(13:43):
not climbing the relationshipescalator.
So it's this opportunity to goout with someone for the date of
disc for the purpose ofdiscovery.
Like, what kind of relationshipdo I want to have with this
person?
Period.
Like some people you do justwant to make out with, and some
people you end up dating forseveral months, and some people
you end up honestly.
(14:04):
When Britt and I were westarted dating, we partied a lot
together, and we're suchdifferent people.
That was dang, that was sevenand a half years ago.
We're such different peoplewhere we used to party and hang
out and and get drunk and smokeweed and all these things.
That was all of one month.
Yeah.
But it was a lot of it.
Yeah.
(14:24):
And so I I thought that Brittwas like a party girl.
There, there was there were twothings that I had this moment
of like my soul said that one,that's the one.
And my mind was like, yeah,sure.
Like this girl just likes toparty.
We're gonna have a good time.
I just didn't know that goodtime would last, you know,
forever.
But that's things can allthings can change and leave
(14:49):
space.
So maybe the hesitation thatyou're hearing, you're like, oh,
I help me with the hesitation.
The hesitation could be yourown just over flooding of
expectations.
Ooh, yeah.
So break that pattern ofexpecting anything to look a
certain way and enter into thedate with a curiosity of like,
I'm curious how this person willaffect my life.
(15:11):
I'm curious about how I canaffect their life.
And sometimes you affect themby putting your tongue in their
butt, and other times you affectthem by being their friend and
guiding them through challengingparts of their lives.
All things are probable.
Goddess Brittney (15:24):
All things are available.
Yes.
All things are available, andcuriosity is the space.
And I feel like the letting goof expectations is really,
really, really big because itreally allows you to get present
with what is actually happeningwithout having an agenda trying
to steer it any particular way.
(15:45):
Yeah.
And so, I mean, I there are norules.
There are no rules.
It's like you can make out withsomeone on the dance floor and
end up married to them.
Like you can, I don't know,have someone be a friend for 20
years in your life and thendiscover you guys are in love
with each other later.
Like it's just there's there'sso many different there's no
rules.
And you're a human and you'rehaving a relationship, and
(16:08):
you're having relationships, andthings grow and change and ebb
and flow.
And so can you releaseexpectations and get curious
about what's happening in thepresent moment for each of you?
And communication can be veryhelpful with this.
Like this is a place where thewords are helpful.
Lisset (16:26):
Yes.
And you know, to close the loopon our on that that first date
of ours is when, yes, Britneymelted into the chair and
disappeared into the ethers.
But then I I allowed myself, Iwas like, wait a second, wait a
second, pause.
Um, I am interested in you.
I have been interested in you.
(16:47):
I didn't think you wereinterested in me because of all
the no's.
Forgive me.
Yeah, I just thought you blowsomeone off three times.
That and and on that date,quote unquote, I was just
wanting to get to know youbetter.
Yeah, you know, and you're likewanting to define us.
And I was like, okay, well, Ican pivot.
(17:08):
And I said that.
I said, I can pivot.
Do you want to be on a romanticdate?
She's like, yes.
And so we m we we pivoted tobeing on a romantic date.
Yeah.
And it worked out.
Yeah.
It was funny.
Goddess Brittney (17:20):
She went like this.
Lisset (17:21):
And it's fine.
She's like, okay, romanticmode.
And you know what?
One of the best things aboutgoing into our first date, we
call the second first date theone where we turned on the
romance, the one with thatthat's our anniversary.
Because the first date, whatwas so cool about that first
(17:42):
date, and why I think thingsshifted for you is because I
won't didn't, I had dropped myagenda.
Yeah.
I had dropped my expectations.
I didn't want it, it didn'tneed to be romantic.
And so when I walked into thatbar, I had walked in, there was
no representative.
There was no like, I need toshow up a certain way to um be
romantically appealing to thisperson.
(18:03):
I just showed up, I just showedup as myself.
Goddess Brittney (18:06):
Yeah.
And and I showed up as myself,even though I knew it was a date
I had because for me, it wasbecause we had been in a
community and friendship, andlike I'd already cried at your
house many times.
Lisset (18:20):
That's a thing that happens in our house.
unknown (18:21):
Yeah.
Goddess Brittney (18:23):
But um, I also showed up without a
representative, and so we wereboth ourselves.
And something that you asked meon our second date was, hey,
well, what changed?
And I told her my feelings oflike, I just don't know if I'm
gay, if I'm queer, I don't, Idon't know, but I'm open to
exploring because I'm enjoyingconnecting with you, and I will
(18:47):
let you know as I know.
And so that was very honest forme to lean into of like, I
don't know.
Literally, I don't know.
Um, but I am I'm curious andinterested in investigating and
being with like what I'mexperiencing because it feels
really good so far.
Lisset (19:04):
Yeah.
And I mean, we took it a stepat a time, baby steps, baby
steps, and created somethingbeautiful out of it.
And the the secret sauce therewas not having expectations.
You know, it you just don'tknow.
Someone can truly be your bestfriend.
Yeah.
Goddess Brittney (19:22):
Oh, yeah.
Didn't you one of your romanticpartners is your current best
friend?
Yeah.
Lisset (19:27):
Yeah, former, absolutely.
Goddess Brittney (19:29):
Occasional.
Lisset (19:32):
Yes, one of one of my my dearest friends, we started
romantically, and uh she wasinterested in me, and I oh it's
it's one of the funniest things.
We were working together atGuitar Center, and she it was
like my first day.
I was like fresh meat, and shewalked by me to the break room
and literally moon walked backout of the break room and was
(19:54):
like, oh hi.
And there was interest there,and um, that wasn't what we were
meant to be.
Yeah, that wasn't what we weremeant to be, and we ended up
being like the best friends,like literally, I am the
godmother of her children andlove her to pieces.
She's my my ride or die, likeseriously, bury a body in an
(20:15):
instant, you know, and that isyou just don't know.
And allowing yourself to stayin that curiosity and freedom is
going to create so just waymore space for fun.
Fun.
This reminds me of what whatdid someone teach you about
attraction?
Oh gosh, I'm I can't rememberwho taught it to me.
He please forgive me if youknow the source of this.
(20:37):
Help me help me remember, butit was on the theory of
attraction, and we we'reattracted to people because
we're supposed to createsomething together.
And you know, and you think ofum old-fashioned, very like
masculine, feminine attraction,pro-creation, you create a life,
(20:59):
but also we get attracted topeople because we're supposed to
create a pops possibly abusiness or a mission or an art
project or something.
You there's attraction iscreation energy, yeah.
And like it is the the polaritycoming together to be one to
create something new.
And gosh, I I that is it's loston me who taught me that, but
(21:24):
it was one of the most beautifullessons because I really
started to honor whereattraction lies and letting it
be like, ooh, what are wesupposed to do together?
Goddess Brittney (21:34):
Yeah, you know, yeah, I love that frame
because it's a fun way to thinkabout attraction because um so
often we can be conditioned of Ifeel attraction for this
person, which means I need tostick a part inside of them.
Speaker (21:46):
Yeah.
Goddess Brittney (21:46):
And this for me opens up that space, it
brings it back to the place ofcuriosity of I feel an
attraction.
I'm excited to discover whatthe connection is, not force a
specific connection.
Yeah.
So, Dusty, I hope that thishelps, this serves you, that you
(22:06):
are feeling more supported andable to show up to your dates or
hangouts or brums.
Um with more fun and curiosityand openness to what's available
for you.
Lisset (22:20):
Yeah.
Uh, it's so fun.
You know, you mentionedspecifically dating female
identifying people.
And yo, we like to talk.
So just talk about it.
Just open up the line ofcommunication.
It's welcome there.
You don't have to play games.
You can you can communicatedirectly.
(22:42):
So I'm excited.
Let us know how this goes.
Let us know how it hits.
And if you have a question,give us a call at 971-895-4111.
Leave us a voice memo.
We love hearing your voice andbeing being able to answer you
like that.
If you like a more anonymoussituation, you could slide into
our DM on Instagram athonestfeedback podcast.
(23:04):
And make sure you hit thatlike, subscribe, share this with
a friend.
You know you've got that friendwho can use a little more help
and is communicating withsomeone.
Pass this along to them.
Yes.
Goddess Brittney (23:16):
And until we meet again, be honest with each
other.
Lisset (23:20):
Yeah.
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