September 4, 2025 • 37 mins
What do you do when you’re craving intimacy, but your partner isn’t on the same page? How do you express desire without guilt or pressure — and still get your needs met?
In this episode of Honest Feedback, we answer a tender listener question from a husband trying to navigate a season of mismatched intimacy with his wife. With humor, honesty, and lived experience, we unpack the deeper dynamics of sexual disconnection and offer real, tangible ways to reconnect with your partner and yourself.
Brittney and Lisset share their own journey through mismatched libido, healing sexual trauma, and redefining what intimacy actually means in a long-term relationship. We talk about sex beyond penetration, spontaneous vs. responsive desire, creating rituals of curiosity, and the power of pleasure-centered communication. Plus, shoutouts to books (Come As You Are & Come Together), mentors (hi Libido Fairy), and the truth that sex is supposed to be fun.
Whether you’re the one with higher desire or the one feeling pressure, this episode is here to help you navigate the conversation with love, honesty, and a whole lot of laughter.
This episode is for you if:
- You’ve ever felt the sting of sexual rejection (or feared giving it)
- You want more intimacy but don’t know how to ask
- You’re ready to expand what sex can look like in a long-term relationship
- You’re craving new tools, perspective, and permission to talk about it
Resources Mentioned:
- Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
- Come Together by Emily Nagoski
- Libido Fairy (Hannah Decker – @libidofairy)
Sponsor Shoutout:
This episode is sponsored by Victoria, your favorite high-vibe hairstylist in West Hollywood.
For custom color, transformative cuts, and salon magic in a private studio, text 909-833-9770 and mention HONESTFEEDBACK for 15% off your first appointment.
Ask a Question:
Have a truth you want us to unpack on air?
📞 Leave us a voicemail: 971-895-4111
📩 DM us: @honestfeedbackpodcast
📧 Email: thekings@honestfeedbackpodcast.com
Join us every week as we explore real stories, actionable advice, and deep truths to support your journey of self-discovery and growth. Don’t forget to subscribe, rate, and review Honest Feedback wherever you get your podcasts!
Honest Feedback was created by Brittney King and Lisset King.
Note: Honest Feedback Podcast aims to provide insights and provoke thoughtful reflection. The opinions expressed in this episode are for informational purposes only and should not replace professional advice.
Please send us your questions by leaving a voicemail at 971-895-4111, DM us on instagram @honestfeedbackpodcast or email us at thekings@honestfeedbackpodcast.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Goddess Brittney (00:00):
So we avoid the sex that we're not actually
enjoying, and so I'm gonna holdyour hand while I say this Is it
possible, and are you guys opento having a conversation of
what is our sex life like inthis moment?
Do each of us enjoy what we'reexperiencing in this moment, and
(00:20):
not from a place of likeblaming or shaming or you're
doing this wrong, but likegetting curious again.
Coming back to curiosity oflike, what do I like?
What don't I like, because ifthere's something, if you're not
having sex that you enjoy, westop ourselves way before sex is
even on the table.
Welcome to Honest Feedback, thepodcast where deep truth meets
(00:44):
bold transformation.
I'm goddess Brittany King, apleasure priestess and a
transformational retreatfacilitator who helps women
connect to their deepest truths,reclaim their pleasure and
awaken their inner power.
And I'm Lissette.
Lisset (00:59):
King, an emotional ninja and transformational coach
who helps leaders releasebaggage, heal unresolved trauma
and step into their most aligned, purposeful lives.
Goddess Brittney (01:11):
We've created this podcast for spirit-led
individuals just like you,Seekers of truth, personal
growth and meaningful connection.
Lisset (01:16):
Whether you're navigating life's big questions,
craving more joy andfulfillment, or simply looking
for honest, relatableconversations, you're in the
right place.
Hi and welcome back to HonestFeedback.
We are here for another amazingepisode, yeah, and today we
have something really specialgoing on, don't we?
Goddess Brittney (01:36):
We do.
I feel really honored thatwe're talking about something
that a lot of people feelnervous to talk about.
That's right.
Let's talk about sex, baby.
Let's talk about you and me.
This is one of my favoritetopics.
Like I'm like yeah, let's talkabout it every dinner table.
Lisset (01:54):
Yeah, I know Every dinner table I'm like my mom
doesn't want to hear about it.
Goddess Brittney (01:58):
Your mom loves to talk about it.
You're not wrong.
You're not wrong, but seriously, it can be a topic that brings
up a lot for people.
Some people feel uncomfortable,some people experience shame,
some people experience doubt.
Anybody wondering like, oh, amI as good as I think I am in bed
, like you, know all the things,all the thoughts, and so we
(02:28):
have a really tender listenerquestion diving in around sex
relationship and what to do whenyou and your partner are
feeling mismatched in yourdesire for sex.
Have you had any experiencewith this, dr King?
Lisset (02:36):
Oh, my goodness, yes.
Goddess Brittney (02:38):
Yeah.
Lisset (02:38):
Yeah, We've.
We've actually had a littleexperience of this and I'm sure
we'll dive deeper into it in ourown personal lives.
But I've certainly felt amismatch, either having more of
a drive or less of a drive,depending on who I was dating.
When I dated men, I had less ofa drive.
We can figure out where thatproblem came from.
Goddess Brittney (02:59):
You know, when I was dating men, I actually
had a really intense sex driveand I was like this there was
never enough, and I think it wasbecause I was starving.
You know, like we're just likethere.
There there was no nourishmentin the, in the food and the
offering, and so I was likeconstantly being like well,
maybe there's more if we justhave sex more.
(03:20):
Yeah, then maybe I will feelhow I think I'm supposed to feel
Empty calories, turns out I'mgay.
Lisset (03:28):
Turns out you're gay, I know.
Shocker.
Goddess Brittney (03:31):
I know it wasn't shocking, it was more of
like a surprise.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, we are very excited toget into this episode, but
before we do, we have a veryexciting news and a special
guest.
Lisset (03:48):
This week's sponsor is my best friend, my hairdresser,
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She was at my wedding edging meup before my wedding.
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Her colors are incredible yeahincredible like yeah, I, I have
(04:08):
exes that still go to her andyeah, we'll go get jobs fixed at
her.
Yeah, that's how it is.
Goddess Brittney (04:14):
She is incredible and I'm so excited
she's our sponsor this week.
She's our sponsor, so tune intoher.
You definitely want to checkthis out.
You, you need these.
You want these.
Yes, yes, yes.
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(04:56):
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(05:16):
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Goddess Brittney (05:26):
And we're back .
Ugh, get in with Victoria.
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Lisset (05:35):
I've never like I've sent so many friends there and
they just become lifers with herOf course she's the best.
Goddess Brittney (05:41):
I mean, this is something you don't skimp on,
like sex.
Okay, let's dive in.
Okay, okay, ready.
Hey, brittany and Lissette,I've been sitting with this for
a while and I finally worked upthe nerve to write in because I
trust the way you two talk aboutintimacy and emotional nuance.
My wife and I have been togetherfor seven years and I love her
(06:04):
deeply.
We've been through so muchtogether, built a life, a home
and a lot of beautifulconnection.
But lately our sex drives arejust totally misaligned.
I tend to want more physicalintimacy than she does, and it's
been this quiet undercurrent oftension in our relationship.
(06:25):
I've tried to bring it upgently and, while she's open and
receptive, I can feel the guiltweighing on her.
I don't want to pressure her.
I don't want her to feel likeshe's broken or failing me.
At the same time, I've beenignoring my own needs and it's
starting to breed resentment,not because of her, but because
(06:46):
I don't know how to hold both ofus with compassion.
I guess my question is how canI support her, be honest about
what I'm feeling and still honormy own desires without either
of us feeling like we're failingthe other?
They signed it anonymously, buthe him, okay, anonymous.
(07:08):
Thank you so much for writingthis in Like.
I do not take it lightly.
Sex is one of the most intimateand primal experiences, and
sharing about it, or when we'reseeking desire of support and
help around it, is a reallytender spot.
Babe, do you want to kick usoff?
(07:29):
Yeah, yeah, when it comes tosex it takes a village to raise
us.
Lisset (07:34):
I also want to acknowledge my voice is very
sultry right now because, I'mgetting over a cold.
It's like I'm like Phoebe onFriends, my sticky shoes Exactly
.
I actually do know this problemintimately.
Goddess Brittney (07:48):
Like.
Lisset (07:48):
I've been here with.
We've been here together whenwe both played both sides, and
so I really want to speak intothis.
Writer.
You know we have been in a deephealing journey our entire
lives, and especially sincewe've been together.
We've been on this deep healingjourney, yes, and when moments
(08:12):
come up, there has been amismatch.
Victoria (08:14):
And when there's been a mismatch.
Lisset (08:16):
I'll speak for me how challenging that is when you're
in a full, complete shutdown, orshut in because you're in your
healing process, and she hasexperienced it on the other side
as well, and in those momentsI've noticed like how much I
felt rejected you know, like Ihave these needs and I'm like I
(08:36):
shouldn't be having these needsbecause you're healing right now
and I shouldn't like want to.
you know I shouldn't want orneed sex from you when you're
healing.
I didn't like want to.
You know I shouldn't want orneed sex from you when you're
healing, and that's and that'sso I just love.
First of all, I want to sayyou're, you're so coming to both
of you with compassion.
Yeah, like you, you evenreaching out.
Is you wanting to meet yourpartner where she is?
(08:58):
And that's so, that's sobeautiful, and one of the things
that we, that we did and what Ihad to make okay with myself
was sharing, being okay, sharingmy desire, knowing it's not
necessarily going to be met, andsitting in the discomfort of it
.
There were moments where I justhad to be like babe, I'm having
(09:19):
these needs and they're notbeing met and I'm feeling really
deprived and I'm not asking youto fix this in any way shape
deprived and I'm not asking youto fix this in any way, shape or
form.
I don't need you to fix this, Ijust need to feel heard and seen
that I have these desires andthat way I'm not feeling like
sitting in my own resentment andsitting in my own rejection of
(09:40):
shoving it down, like avoidingin the old ways that I used to
avoid.
Goddess Brittney (09:44):
Yeah, I feel like you bring to light
something that's really can be auniversal experience of when
someone says I'm not interestedin this moment, or something
like that.
We feel like this is a personalattack, yeah, and like I'm
being rejected, yes, attack, andlike I'm being rejected.
(10:08):
And I remember one time youwere having an experience where
you were healing throughsomething and you were like I
need to not be intimate in thistime.
I think I just I burst intotears.
I burst into tears, but it wasearly times.
That was early times, yeah, itwas early times, but I burst
into tears and what came up forme was really taking it
personally and not honoring,like she's having her own
(10:34):
experience us, that we both haveexperienced big T traumas
around sex, and so sometimesit's like, oh, here's another
(10:55):
layer to heal of that thing orthe other thing, and so we've
had to navigate that with eachother and learned how to not
take it personally.
And so this brings me to one ofmy things is how can we create
a safe space for honesty andvulnerability about sex?
That's not necessarily like inthe midst of either, stating
(11:15):
your desire for like when you'rein the middle of like, hey, are
we?
Are we not about to have sex?
But like?
Can we create a safe containerthat is separate than like in
the bedroom, you know, inRepublicans, where we can each
be heard and shared and seen?
(11:36):
Mm-hmm.
Lisset (11:37):
Yeah, and there's.
There's a few things with being, with sharing and being seen is
, first of all, it's notfreaking comfortable, so get
over that.
Get over that.
You know, to state your desire,knowing it's not going to be
met, is incredibly challengingand vulnerable, and so you're
(11:59):
leaning into that as well ascreating a safe space to share
what's going on.
And in that safe space, it'strying to create the space of
not having reactions and ratherhaving responses to each other
and still seeing each other as,like, this is a person that I
love and we're on the same team.
We're on the same team and wewant, more than anything, to
(12:23):
please each other.
The love is there and the desireis there to to love on each
other and serve.
And who are we when we stepback and go?
I actually can't give thisperson what they need right now,
and can that be okay?
Yeah?
Goddess Brittney (12:41):
I feel like you've introduced also a deeper
concept around.
Even having these conversationsand that's the first thing that
struck out to me about yourquestion was like safety and
creating a container wheresomeone feels safe enough to
share their desires.
And so my first question wasdoes your partner feel safe
(13:02):
enough to share her desires withyou, what she wants and what
she does not want?
And so safe is like a way ofhow do we feel, like, will I be
okay to share this with theother person?
And quote unquote, not upsetthem, not be a fight, not blah
(13:25):
blah.
And for some of these questionslike, does your partner feel
safe enough to do this with you,and does your partner feel safe
enough to do this with you?
And does your partner feel safeenough to do this by themselves
, have they been able to createthe space and safety within
themselves to start to askthemselves what do I like, what
do I not like in sex?
(13:47):
Like, what do I prefer?
What would feel good?
How do I feel about thesethings?
And so it's honoring do you andyour partner have that shared
safety together?
If not, what would we need tocreate that?
And asking your partner toreflect with themselves do they
have that with themselves, andthat might be step one of
(14:09):
creating safety with yourself,because it's hard to share with
someone else.
Hey, this is what I like andthis is what I'm into.
If you are unwilling or notknowing what it's like with
yourself, and that might be herown work, to do that is separate
than you.
Lisset (14:28):
Yeah, you know, the space of safety is so important
and in that safety, it opens upthe space for intimacy, and so,
creating that like I can speakto you fully, I know that I can
speak to you and whatever yousay is going to be your truth
(14:51):
and that's worth its weight ingold.
You know, just knowing that,that I'll be like, okay, I have
this desire.
Well, I don't right now and I'mlike, okay, that's the truth.
How do I, how do I still feelsafe in my body and it doesn't
mean she doesn't want me and I,yeah, we can make up all sorts
(15:14):
of stories.
We can make up all sorts ofstories.
Goddess Brittney (15:16):
Yeah, we've, we've made up some stories
before guilty.
Yeah, making up the stories, Ifeel like, as someone who works
in pleasure, I have also had myown experiences and challenges
and navigating pleasure andfeeling like, oh gosh, like I
don't want to have sex like allthe time Like I used to.
Is there something wrong?
Am I dying?
(15:37):
You know like what's happening,you know, and so I have read
books and done research.
And so there is a woman Dr Idon't know if she's a doctor
Emily Nagoski, and she wrote thebook Come as you Are, an
incredible book, and she alsowrote this book called Come
Together, specifically aboutcouples and relationship, and
coming as you are is about thefemale orgasm.
(16:00):
Highly recommend both of thosebooks.
But in Come Together, somethingthat she said that really stuck
out to me is we avoid what wedon't enjoy, so we avoid the sex
that we're not actuallyenjoying, and so I'm gonna hold
your hand while I say this.
Is it possible, and are youguys open to having a
(16:21):
conversation of what is our sexlife like in this moment?
Enjoy what we're experiencingin this moment, and not from a
place of like blaming or shamingor you're doing this wrong, but
like getting curious againcoming back to curiosity of like
, what do I like, what don't Ilike?
(16:47):
Because if there's something,if you're not having sex, that
you enjoy, then it's like, oh,I'm just gonna just talk freely.
Okay, he does this thing that Idon't like, that he does, but
it seems like he likes it.
I don't want to disappoint him,so I'm going to let him do it,
but I don't really like it.
So then sex happens and it'slike, oh, that was just not
great.
Then it feels like someone'strying to initiate sex and it's
like, oh, I don't want him to dothat thing.
Way before sex is even on thetable, it's like, oh, it's going
(17:11):
to lead to sex.
And then we're going to be backin that situation where he's
doing the thing and I don't likedo you see the thing?
And it's like, right, and so ifwe're like I don't enjoy that
thing, but I don't know how tosay I don't like that specific
thing, then we'll just go, I'lljust, we'll just delete the
whole.
We'll do a lot of things to nothave an uncomfortable
(17:36):
conversation, all right, likewho's been there?
Lisset (17:40):
Yeah, we got some avoidant people.
I'm sure they're listening.
If you're avoidant, it's okay.
Just skip the next 30 seconds.
I'm kidding.
That's the thing about beingavoidant is that you need to
communicate, you need tocommunicate and you need to
communicate often, so there'snot resentment building up.
(18:04):
And these types ofcommunications are very
challenging, can be verychallenging at times, and that's
why Brittany and I have we havemeetings, we have relationship
check-ins every week.
Relationship check-ins everyweek.
Before that we've had Radar'slonger relationship check-ins
every six weeks so that we canhave a container about talking
(18:27):
about it regularly.
And if you're not willing tohave the challenging
conversation, it's just going tobuild up into resentment.
Goddess Brittney (18:35):
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm .
So one of the how you phrasedit was like how can I support my
wife in this experience?
How can we have honestcommunication?
How can we create safety witheach other and with ourselves?
How can we start to have aconversation about the kind of
(18:56):
sex we enjoy?
And I would just love to justthrow this sprinkle in there
Oftentimes, what I'veexperienced and noticed in the
conversation around heterosexualsex is that sex is defined as a
P and a V, and that is what weare defining as sex, and so I
(19:16):
would invite you to explore amore bountiful table of what sex
could be.
And if we are opening to thespace of sex, is not necessarily
penetration, penis fingers,anything.
What else can we experience ina sensual and sexual space that
(19:38):
feels good to both of us?
That also might start to unwindsome other things, because
sometimes people are like, ohand this is I'll just speak
personally Sometimes I'm like Iam not wanting penetrative sex.
I am open to being intimate andsexy in other ways.
(19:58):
But I in the past have beenlike, oh, if someone was saying
like, do you want to have sex?
It's like feels like a yes orno of like, do I want to be
penetrated.
And if that's a no, then it'slike oh, I guess I'm no to all
of these things.
Lisset (20:11):
Yeah, and I wasn't actually no to all of those
things I think this is, this wasthe goal mind for us, because
what happened was we started tocreate space for intimacy
without a goal.
Yes, we started to go.
Okay, what if we, for a certainfor an hour, on a weekend, you
know and shout out to libidofairy?
We'll probably talk more abouther, but let's make a space
(20:34):
that's just us laying togetherand kissing and just having
intimacy, without the goal oforgasm.
Goddess Brittney (20:41):
Yes, and that opened up so much space for us
well, I mean, we're already here, so I I believe in investing in
yourself what I believe ininvesting in pleasure.
So when I was having thisexperience, I was like I have a
lot of tools and I am in need ofa mentor and I'm in need of a
(21:03):
container to hold me to look atthis, of what's going on.
And so I went to the LibidoFairy Shout out to Hannah, she's
really incredible, superamazing and, you know, funnily
enough enough, it wasn't stuff Ididn't know, shocker and I
needed the container to hold meso that I could see it and hear
things in a new way and get anew perspective on quote unquote
(21:26):
what I thought I already knew,because there's always more to
know.
And one of my biggest takeawaysfrom her was asking myself what
do I need to be open or willingfor connection?
So taking orgasms away from sexof like, if it's not orgasm
focused, what if sex isconnection focused?
(21:47):
And it was like I do want toconnect with my partner, I do
want to connect with my partnerin this intimate, physical way.
What do I need to be open orwilling to create that
connection?
And so ask yourself, ask yourpartner.
One of my biggest things that Igot from that was like turning
down the turn off.
(22:09):
So, like, what are the thingsthat turn you off?
What are the things that arelike full stop, like if this is
happening, I'm not getting closeto being willing to be intimate
you know, like and for me, likesome people, it's like messy
rooms and things like that, andI was like that doesn't bother
me as much, but like vibesreally do matter to me and so
like, if there's like weirdharsh lighting, that's not the
(22:31):
vibe.
Lisset (22:33):
Weird music.
Goddess Brittney (22:34):
Weird music no , yeah, it's immediate, like I
can't do anything, yeah.
Lisset (22:39):
Yeah, or you know, being in a space that's dirty,
yeah, or like messy.
Goddess Brittney (22:48):
I can't do messy.
She can't do messy.
I can't do messy.
Messy was okay for me if thingswere clean, but like if the
there's like weird energy in theroom, yeah, no, we can't have
any poltergeist going on no, no,but like turning down.
But for some people it's like,hey, if there's dishes in the
sink, that's a turnout.
For me it was, um, open worktabs, and so I needed to make
(23:12):
make sure that I created a wayto literally wind down from work
, close all the tabs, put thingsthat were in my head on a piece
of paper so they wouldn't bejust floating around in my head,
because that was a big turnoffof all of a sudden it's like oh
a client, oh an email.
Then it was just like I'm notable to be present.
So asking yourselves, what arethe things that turn us off?
(23:34):
What are the things that makeus stop from being willing or
being open to being intimatewith each other?
And let's actually focus onturning down those things.
Beautiful, beautiful.
Shout out to Libby DeFerry.
Lisset (23:47):
Oh, yeah, yeah, and I think one of the things I loved
about that was even justcreating that languaging of are
you open to maybe being willingto?
Possibly we would just draw itout for a while just to have fun
with it and then I was like oh,I'm a literal listener and a
very direct communicator.
(24:08):
So if I'm not getting like myclothes ripped off of me I
didn't know so when she wouldstart that language I'm like
uh-huh.
I'm like when you're my clothesripped off of me I didn't know
so when she would start thatlanguage, I'm like uh-huh.
I'm like when you're about totell the dogs that they can go
on a walk, I was like okay it'shappening, it's happening, it's
happening.
My tail starts wagging.
It's great.
Goddess Brittney (24:23):
Well, it was amazing when we just opened
again opened the space of likenon-orgasm focus, connection,
fun, focus, pleasure focus, andallowing the space of oh, what
do I need?
To be open and willing andallowing more spontaneity, more
fun, more responsiveness EmilyNagowski talks about this as
(24:45):
well in coming together, abridging activity.
So having an activity thatcreates connection and closeness
before we start to get into amore naked intimacy place and I
mean you could be the bridgingactivity could be naked, like
maybe it's massages, maybe it'sa shower together, maybe it's a
walk together, maybe it's eyegazing, but oftentimes she
(25:07):
described it, there's likespontaneous desire, responsive
desire, but a lot of times,again, this was like a
heterosexual experience.
She was saying, like mostheterosexual sex is like 6 to 13
minutes and most women take 20to 30 plus minutes to be warm
and like lubricated and in thespace of arousal for desire.
(25:29):
So if you're in a heterosexualrelationship and the sex is 6 to
13 minutes, minutes, but ittakes 20 to 30 minutes to even
be in the space of desire for it, are we seeing how there could
be like a mismatch?
So creating like, what are thebridging activities that could
lead us into the experience ofbeing wanting to have the
(25:50):
intimacy um, you're full on theappetizer and I haven't even
eaten yet.
I know and then it's like I meanit just really changed my whole
world.
Because then it's like, oh gosh.
Well, like now that I'm here atthe restaurant, like I'd love a
feast, I'd love a dessert, I'dalso love espresso.
At the end of the meal, youknow like well, let's have an
avocado, let's have grapes,let's have a cheese platter,
(26:11):
let's have to really relax intoan experience, as opposed to
like I got seven minutes, youwanna do it?
Lisset (26:20):
It's like uh no, cheese plates, cheese plates are
eternal.
Goddess Brittney (26:26):
Let me check my notes.
Oh, at the end of your questionyou were saying how can I hold
space for her, hold space formyself and decide none, and like
not feel like either of us arefailing.
And I just have like a you knowdirect, like what if you just
decided that nobody's failing?
Yeah, what if it's not failure?
It's feedback, yeah, and you'regetting feedback on, hey, this
(26:49):
is how this aspect of ourrelationship is going in this
moment.
Um, this, I feel like take itas an opportunity of what do we
each want from the sexualrelationship, the sexual nature
in our relationship.
Lisset (27:03):
Yeah, you know, and I really want to just also speak
directly to you it's okay tohave the desire in it not be met
Like full on, full stop.
You can share it.
I do this thing where I wantthings that I know I'm not going
to get, and it's like it couldbe like baby.
(27:25):
I have a desire and she's likeokay, what is it?
I'm like I would like an icecream and a waffle cone.
And she goes okay, she was, youwant to do something about it?
I'm like no, I've got goals.
I just needed to say it outloud and there's.
There's just like a little,like a little release in the
valve.
That makes me feel better andsometimes I need to be witnessed
in my desire.
Goddess Brittney (27:45):
You know, this just popped in.
I'm like improv class there's,sometimes there's a game.
It's like a like a yes and, butmaybe it's like a end, but
maybe it's like so, it's like if, like it's like hey, I'm
feeling really sensual and likeI want to do X, y and Z sexually
and someone could be like oh,thank you so much for sharing
(28:08):
your desire with me.
How I'm feeling is ABC.
And they're like like oh, Icould be interested in abc.
Or it's like oh, I like c.
Have you considered d?
Like there are spaces to.
You know, consider just so manygraphic things are coming ahead
(28:31):
and I'm like I just don't knowhow uncensored I can be on my
own podcast I know, it's justlike oh who.
It's just like oh, who wants to?
It's like I would like to eatyour ass, yeah.
And then someone else is like,oh, okay, Okay.
Lisset (28:43):
Okay, all right, interested in that, interested
in that.
Maybe not in this moment, maybenot.
I just got back from the gym.
Goddess Brittney (28:55):
Yeah, but you okay yeah, because your family
listens to this Whatever, thereare no secrets in the film
Leslie.
But it's like, oh, I could beinterested in naked cuddling,
that would feel really good.
And it's like, ooh, nakedcuddling feels good.
Would you be interested inreceiving a vulva massage?
You know what I would beinterested in receiving a vulva
(29:16):
massage.
You know what I would beinterested in receiving a vulva
massage.
Lisset (29:26):
Great Look at what we found there.
Yeah, absolutely, there's sucha wider range for you to play in
and we're inviting you to playthere.
Play, we're costumes, like play.
Goddess Brittney (29:35):
Wear costumes.
Lisset (29:37):
We're queer.
It's just a big old playgroundhere.
Yeah, like it's constantlydiscovering and exploring and
doing all the things Like thinkbeyond your penis, yes, think
beyond your penis, becausethere's so much playground.
Think beyond genitals.
Think beyond genitals Like yes,we'll ride the sky eventually,
but let's play on the monkeybars.
Goddess Brittney (29:59):
There's so much to play.
I mean, I'll just be frank,there's a lot of spaces that
orgasms can happen anywhere.
So, emily, again she talksabout the most important
experience to have an orgasm.
To experience that kind ofrelease of pleasure is actually
your brain, it's not anythingelse, which is why you can read
a book and have an orgasm.
To experience that kind ofrelease of pleasure is actually
your brain, it's not anythingelse, which is why you can read
(30:19):
a book and have an orgasm.
This is why you can see a thingand feel aroused.
Lisset (30:22):
You need to share your book list because I have yet to
read a book and have an orgasm.
Is it just the book?
Sorry?
Goddess Brittney (30:31):
No, I mean, they write very sexy scenes.
Lisset (30:35):
Get on book talk y'all, so you read the sexy scene and
then you do something over here.
Goddess Brittney (30:40):
No, sometimes I just read it and I just feel
the energy of it.
Lisset (30:43):
Whoa.
Okay, see, I'm going to needthat book list and that's my
experience.
Goddess Brittney (30:47):
I'm a very sensual, energetic.
Lisset (30:48):
She is.
Victoria (30:48):
I'm a very energetic.
Goddess Brittney (30:56):
So like energy can make me have an orgasm.
One time she was playing theguitar and that experience
allowed me to have an orgasm.
But it's just like you got tothink outside the box.
I'm really good, but it's justwhat happens when we take the
(31:17):
pressure off, allow ourselves toexplore, allow ourselves to get
curious, start to decide whatfeels safe enough to share with
our partners.
And the more you share, themore I just feel like the better
sex gets in.
Like I have been able to sharewith her of.
Like oh, you know, when you dothis particular thing like I,
actually that doesn't feel good.
Lisset (31:36):
And like oh, and she'll be like okay, great, what would
feel better?
Yeah, what would feel better.
What would you like?
Yeah, like, not my gumdropfriend.
Goddess Brittney (31:47):
But again, like it's like if we're not
having the experiences, what weenjoy, we will just really cut
ourselves off and thatexperience that you can not
enjoy could literally be.
It could be trauma, it could bestress, it can be literally
just a thing one does, you know.
Lisset (32:02):
I just want to.
One of the things that I that Ilove about Brittany is that we
have so much fun and people whohave stayed over our house they
hear that fun, yeah, and I oneof one of our friends recently
reflected to us how much heloved it, how much we laughed.
Yeah, and we're not laughing.
It's the blooper reel that'smaking us laugh and and it's
(32:24):
like the fun, but like we justlike it's supposed to be fun
y'all, yeah don't forget yeah,don't forget, it's supposed,
like it's, don't go into sex, ohwow, so serious.
Goddess Brittney (32:33):
Yeah, no, it's supposed to be fun.
Lisset (32:36):
Us and dolphins, we do it for fun, don't forget, have
fun.
We laugh, we laugh so hard, sohard.
Yeah, we can jokes, yeah, wemake jokes, and they're just
like oh, so you don't like thatokay all right, that's fine,
we'll try something else it's abig old playground.
Goddess Brittney (32:51):
Yes, so, have fun, have fun.
I mean fun, I mean, oh, okay,this is my last little sprinklet
from the fun thing is checkingin with each other and just
seeing is sex in ourrelationship a priority?
Yeah, is it a priority.
Sometimes we have differentpriorities and I just saw a
(33:14):
TikTok about this, about likepeople are going for balance and
it's not about balance.
There are seasons and there areseasons of certain experiences
and things and you're going forsomething and it's about how do
we rest and recuperate inbetween the seasons.
So, just checking in, hey, arewe in a season where sex is a
priority for us?
Are we in a season wherethere's something else that
(33:36):
might be a priority for us?
Are we in a season wherethere's something else that
might be a priority for us?
Maybe it's the kids, maybeyou're going after a new goal in
your career, something likethat.
But like, checking in aroundthat it's like cool, are we on
the same page of like level ofpriority for this?
If we are, let's invest thereand invest with our time, with
our energy and with our money.
(33:56):
Yeah, like, like.
Do we need more times withdates?
Do we need to get morebabysitters?
Do we need more weekends away.
We love a just cuz trip andit's like we get child care for
our dogs, you know, and it'slike it's time for us to focus
on us.
I invested.
I was like this is somethingthat's important to me.
I'm going to invest with amentor, yeah, who specializes in
(34:17):
this.
I teach, like are you going to?
Are you willing to put yourtime, energy, money into what
you're saying is a priority?
Yeah, sometimes you gotta buymore rope.
Lisset (34:28):
You gotta yeah, you gotta get a gallon of lube yes,
you gotta you gotta get a kiddiebowl like you, just gotta run
with it you just don't know youdon know, you gotta get some of
those kid masks Remember thelittle plastic masks.
Goddess Brittney (34:41):
Sometimes, you have to buy things, and the
vibrators I like are luscious.
They're luscious, they'relusciously priced, because I
only want the best on my pussy.
Lisset (34:56):
For all these reasons, for all these reasons and more
you're listening to one of ourmost probably lowest listener
count on youtube, but you know,it's totally fine.
It's totally fine, we're gonnaget so shadow banned.
No, yeah, delete, delete,unsubscribe.
It's fine, it's a right we'retalking about it educationally.
Goddess Brittney (35:16):
It's an educational podcast.
I'll just say education overand over again.
Education.
She's a sex educator Foreducational purposes, only
Educational yeah.
Are you guys feeling educated?
Yeah?
Lisset (35:27):
Sex-wise.
Goddess Brittney (35:28):
That's weird.
Lisset (35:31):
That's my sex fire pit.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding If my family'slistening.
I'm kidding.
Goddess Brittney (35:41):
No, I've never set her on fire, not without
her consent.
Lisset (35:46):
That's the way.
Her eyebrows are tattooed on.
Goddess Brittney (35:48):
No, you guys have known us very intimately.
Victoria (35:56):
today, Welcome to our last episode.
Lisset (35:59):
No, I'm allowed to joke , okay.
Goddess Brittney (36:05):
Well, I don't even know how to move out from
where we're at.
Lisset (36:08):
I don't know we're so deep in this hole.
Oh my God, so deep in this hole.
Oh man, that was fun.
That was fun.
That was fun.
I hope, I really hope thislistener like feels our love.
Goddess Brittney (36:24):
I hope they feel our love too and like
please let us know how it'sgoing, what is feeling, what is
feeling juicy and alive andworking for you.
And yeah, I'm super excited toget an update.
Lisset (36:36):
Yeah, I kind of feel bad, but I, I'm the I forgot to
mention have.
Have you tried being honest?
Oh, with the person yeah, aboutyour feelings I think I did say
that, but I just can't gottasay it I gotta say it again
explicitly, explicitly be honestabout your feelings, be honest
about your desires.
Be honest about your feelings,be honest about your desires, be
honest about your needs andreceive whatever is said on the
(36:58):
other side with love.
Goddess Brittney (37:00):
Yes, with love .
So if you have a question, youknow how to hit us up you can
send us a DM, you can send us atext at 971-895-4111.
And please take thisopportunity to like and
subscribe to this podcast.
As you can see, this is how wekeep this alive is by people
(37:21):
sharing it and sharing the goodword.
We love hearing from you andyou being a part of our
community, so take theopportunity to do so now.
Yeah.
Lisset (37:29):
And until we meet again , be honest with each other.
Goddess Brittney (37:32):
Bye, bye.
So we avoid the sex that we're not actually
enjoying, and so I'm gonna holdyour hand while I say this Is it
possible, and are you guys opento having a conversation of
what is our sex life like inthis moment?
Do each of us enjoy what we'reexperiencing in this moment, and
(00:20):
not from a place of likeblaming or shaming or you're
doing this wrong, but likegetting curious again.
Coming back to curiosity oflike, what do I like?
What don't I like, because ifthere's something, if you're not
having sex that you enjoy, westop ourselves way before sex is
even on the table.
Welcome to Honest Feedback, thepodcast where deep truth meets
(00:44):
bold transformation.
I'm goddess Brittany King, apleasure priestess and a
transformational retreatfacilitator who helps women
connect to their deepest truths,reclaim their pleasure and
awaken their inner power.
And I'm Lissette.
Lisset (00:59):
King, an emotional ninja and transformational coach
who helps leaders releasebaggage, heal unresolved trauma
and step into their most aligned, purposeful lives.
Goddess Brittney (01:11):
We've created this podcast for spirit-led
individuals just like you,Seekers of truth, personal
growth and meaningful connection.
Lisset (01:16):
Whether you're navigating life's big questions,
craving more joy andfulfillment, or simply looking
for honest, relatableconversations, you're in the
right place.
Hi and welcome back to HonestFeedback.
We are here for another amazingepisode, yeah, and today we
have something really specialgoing on, don't we?
Goddess Brittney (01:36):
We do.
I feel really honored thatwe're talking about something
that a lot of people feelnervous to talk about.
That's right.
Let's talk about sex, baby.
Let's talk about you and me.
This is one of my favoritetopics.
Like I'm like yeah, let's talkabout it every dinner table.
Lisset (01:54):
Yeah, I know Every dinner table I'm like my mom
doesn't want to hear about it.
Goddess Brittney (01:58):
Your mom loves to talk about it.
You're not wrong.
You're not wrong, but seriously, it can be a topic that brings
up a lot for people.
Some people feel uncomfortable,some people experience shame,
some people experience doubt.
Anybody wondering like, oh, amI as good as I think I am in bed
, like you, know all the things,all the thoughts, and so we
(02:28):
have a really tender listenerquestion diving in around sex
relationship and what to do whenyou and your partner are
feeling mismatched in yourdesire for sex.
Have you had any experiencewith this, dr King?
Lisset (02:36):
Oh, my goodness, yes.
Goddess Brittney (02:38):
Yeah.
Lisset (02:38):
Yeah, We've.
We've actually had a littleexperience of this and I'm sure
we'll dive deeper into it in ourown personal lives.
But I've certainly felt amismatch, either having more of
a drive or less of a drive,depending on who I was dating.
When I dated men, I had less ofa drive.
We can figure out where thatproblem came from.
Goddess Brittney (02:59):
You know, when I was dating men, I actually
had a really intense sex driveand I was like this there was
never enough, and I think it wasbecause I was starving.
You know, like we're just likethere.
There there was no nourishmentin the, in the food and the
offering, and so I was likeconstantly being like well,
maybe there's more if we justhave sex more.
(03:20):
Yeah, then maybe I will feelhow I think I'm supposed to feel
Empty calories, turns out I'mgay.
Lisset (03:28):
Turns out you're gay, I know.
Shocker.
Goddess Brittney (03:31):
I know it wasn't shocking, it was more of
like a surprise.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, we are very excited toget into this episode, but
before we do, we have a veryexciting news and a special
guest.
Lisset (03:48):
This week's sponsor is my best friend, my hairdresser,
the girl who does all of mytightest cuts.
She was at my wedding edging meup before my wedding.
She does all the best glamourmagic that you could ever
possibly desire and want.
Her colors are incredible yeahincredible like yeah, I, I have
(04:08):
exes that still go to her andyeah, we'll go get jobs fixed at
her.
Yeah, that's how it is.
Goddess Brittney (04:14):
She is incredible and I'm so excited
she's our sponsor this week.
She's our sponsor, so tune intoher.
You definitely want to checkthis out.
You, you need these.
You want these.
Yes, yes, yes.
Victoria (04:35):
Hey, I'm Victoria, your favorite high vibe
hairstylist in West Hollywood.
I specialize in custom colorand fresh, modern cuts for men,
women and anybody who wants tolook and feel amazing.
I've been doing hair for twodecades and I still get the
butterflies when I'm mixing haircolor like a mad scientist or
giving you that life-changinghaircut.
I've created a private studiospace where we could connect
(04:56):
one-on-one.
No salon, waiting room energy.
It is a full vibe, it's chill,it's fun and maybe something
from the bar.
If it calls to you, use promocode HONESTFEEDBACK to get 15%
off your first service and let'smake some magic Hair that
(05:16):
actually feels like you.
For booking and consultations,shoot me a text to 909-833-9770.
Goddess Brittney (05:26):
And we're back .
Ugh, get in with Victoria.
I mean, the studio is justabsolutely incredible.
She does curly hair, she doesstraight hair, she does it all.
Lisset (05:35):
I've never like I've sent so many friends there and
they just become lifers with herOf course she's the best.
Goddess Brittney (05:41):
I mean, this is something you don't skimp on,
like sex.
Okay, let's dive in.
Okay, okay, ready.
Hey, brittany and Lissette,I've been sitting with this for
a while and I finally worked upthe nerve to write in because I
trust the way you two talk aboutintimacy and emotional nuance.
My wife and I have been togetherfor seven years and I love her
(06:04):
deeply.
We've been through so muchtogether, built a life, a home
and a lot of beautifulconnection.
But lately our sex drives arejust totally misaligned.
I tend to want more physicalintimacy than she does, and it's
been this quiet undercurrent oftension in our relationship.
(06:25):
I've tried to bring it upgently and, while she's open and
receptive, I can feel the guiltweighing on her.
I don't want to pressure her.
I don't want her to feel likeshe's broken or failing me.
At the same time, I've beenignoring my own needs and it's
starting to breed resentment,not because of her, but because
(06:46):
I don't know how to hold both ofus with compassion.
I guess my question is how canI support her, be honest about
what I'm feeling and still honormy own desires without either
of us feeling like we're failingthe other?
They signed it anonymously, buthe him, okay, anonymous.
(07:08):
Thank you so much for writingthis in Like.
I do not take it lightly.
Sex is one of the most intimateand primal experiences, and
sharing about it, or when we'reseeking desire of support and
help around it, is a reallytender spot.
Babe, do you want to kick usoff?
(07:29):
Yeah, yeah, when it comes tosex it takes a village to raise
us.
Lisset (07:34):
I also want to acknowledge my voice is very
sultry right now because, I'mgetting over a cold.
It's like I'm like Phoebe onFriends, my sticky shoes Exactly
.
I actually do know this problemintimately.
Goddess Brittney (07:48):
Like.
Lisset (07:48):
I've been here with.
We've been here together whenwe both played both sides, and
so I really want to speak intothis.
Writer.
You know we have been in a deephealing journey our entire
lives, and especially sincewe've been together.
We've been on this deep healingjourney, yes, and when moments
(08:12):
come up, there has been amismatch.
Victoria (08:14):
And when there's been a mismatch.
Lisset (08:16):
I'll speak for me how challenging that is when you're
in a full, complete shutdown, orshut in because you're in your
healing process, and she hasexperienced it on the other side
as well, and in those momentsI've noticed like how much I
felt rejected you know, like Ihave these needs and I'm like I
(08:36):
shouldn't be having these needsbecause you're healing right now
and I shouldn't like want to.
you know I shouldn't want orneed sex from you when you're
healing.
I didn't like want to.
You know I shouldn't want orneed sex from you when you're
healing, and that's and that'sso I just love.
First of all, I want to sayyou're, you're so coming to both
of you with compassion.
Yeah, like you, you evenreaching out.
Is you wanting to meet yourpartner where she is?
(08:58):
And that's so, that's sobeautiful, and one of the things
that we, that we did and what Ihad to make okay with myself
was sharing, being okay, sharingmy desire, knowing it's not
necessarily going to be met, andsitting in the discomfort of it
.
There were moments where I justhad to be like babe, I'm having
(09:19):
these needs and they're notbeing met and I'm feeling really
deprived and I'm not asking youto fix this in any way shape
deprived and I'm not asking youto fix this in any way, shape or
form.
I don't need you to fix this, Ijust need to feel heard and seen
that I have these desires andthat way I'm not feeling like
sitting in my own resentment andsitting in my own rejection of
(09:40):
shoving it down, like avoidingin the old ways that I used to
avoid.
Goddess Brittney (09:44):
Yeah, I feel like you bring to light
something that's really can be auniversal experience of when
someone says I'm not interestedin this moment, or something
like that.
We feel like this is a personalattack, yeah, and like I'm
being rejected, yes, attack, andlike I'm being rejected.
(10:08):
And I remember one time youwere having an experience where
you were healing throughsomething and you were like I
need to not be intimate in thistime.
I think I just I burst intotears.
I burst into tears, but it wasearly times.
That was early times, yeah, itwas early times, but I burst
into tears and what came up forme was really taking it
personally and not honoring,like she's having her own
(10:34):
experience us, that we both haveexperienced big T traumas
around sex, and so sometimesit's like, oh, here's another
(10:55):
layer to heal of that thing orthe other thing, and so we've
had to navigate that with eachother and learned how to not
take it personally.
And so this brings me to one ofmy things is how can we create
a safe space for honesty andvulnerability about sex?
That's not necessarily like inthe midst of either, stating
(11:15):
your desire for like when you'rein the middle of like, hey, are
we?
Are we not about to have sex?
But like?
Can we create a safe containerthat is separate than like in
the bedroom, you know, inRepublicans, where we can each
be heard and shared and seen?
(11:36):
Mm-hmm.
Lisset (11:37):
Yeah, and there's.
There's a few things with being, with sharing and being seen is
, first of all, it's notfreaking comfortable, so get
over that.
Get over that.
You know, to state your desire,knowing it's not going to be
met, is incredibly challengingand vulnerable, and so you're
(11:59):
leaning into that as well ascreating a safe space to share
what's going on.
And in that safe space, it'strying to create the space of
not having reactions and ratherhaving responses to each other
and still seeing each other as,like, this is a person that I
love and we're on the same team.
We're on the same team and wewant, more than anything, to
(12:23):
please each other.
The love is there and the desireis there to to love on each
other and serve.
And who are we when we stepback and go?
I actually can't give thisperson what they need right now,
and can that be okay?
Yeah?
Goddess Brittney (12:41):
I feel like you've introduced also a deeper
concept around.
Even having these conversationsand that's the first thing that
struck out to me about yourquestion was like safety and
creating a container wheresomeone feels safe enough to
share their desires.
And so my first question wasdoes your partner feel safe
(13:02):
enough to share her desires withyou, what she wants and what
she does not want?
And so safe is like a way ofhow do we feel, like, will I be
okay to share this with theother person?
And quote unquote, not upsetthem, not be a fight, not blah
(13:25):
blah.
And for some of these questionslike, does your partner feel
safe enough to do this with you,and does your partner feel safe
enough to do this with you?
And does your partner feel safeenough to do this by themselves
, have they been able to createthe space and safety within
themselves to start to askthemselves what do I like, what
do I not like in sex?
(13:47):
Like, what do I prefer?
What would feel good?
How do I feel about thesethings?
And so it's honoring do you andyour partner have that shared
safety together?
If not, what would we need tocreate that?
And asking your partner toreflect with themselves do they
have that with themselves, andthat might be step one of
(14:09):
creating safety with yourself,because it's hard to share with
someone else.
Hey, this is what I like andthis is what I'm into.
If you are unwilling or notknowing what it's like with
yourself, and that might be herown work, to do that is separate
than you.
Lisset (14:28):
Yeah, you know, the space of safety is so important
and in that safety, it opens upthe space for intimacy, and so,
creating that like I can speakto you fully, I know that I can
speak to you and whatever yousay is going to be your truth
(14:51):
and that's worth its weight ingold.
You know, just knowing that,that I'll be like, okay, I have
this desire.
Well, I don't right now and I'mlike, okay, that's the truth.
How do I, how do I still feelsafe in my body and it doesn't
mean she doesn't want me and I,yeah, we can make up all sorts
(15:14):
of stories.
We can make up all sorts ofstories.
Goddess Brittney (15:16):
Yeah, we've, we've made up some stories
before guilty.
Yeah, making up the stories, Ifeel like, as someone who works
in pleasure, I have also had myown experiences and challenges
and navigating pleasure andfeeling like, oh gosh, like I
don't want to have sex like allthe time Like I used to.
Is there something wrong?
Am I dying?
(15:37):
You know like what's happening,you know, and so I have read
books and done research.
And so there is a woman Dr Idon't know if she's a doctor
Emily Nagoski, and she wrote thebook Come as you Are, an
incredible book, and she alsowrote this book called Come
Together, specifically aboutcouples and relationship, and
coming as you are is about thefemale orgasm.
(16:00):
Highly recommend both of thosebooks.
But in Come Together, somethingthat she said that really stuck
out to me is we avoid what wedon't enjoy, so we avoid the sex
that we're not actuallyenjoying, and so I'm gonna hold
your hand while I say this.
Is it possible, and are youguys open to having a
(16:21):
conversation of what is our sexlife like in this moment?
Enjoy what we're experiencingin this moment, and not from a
place of like blaming or shamingor you're doing this wrong, but
like getting curious againcoming back to curiosity of like
, what do I like, what don't Ilike?
(16:47):
Because if there's something,if you're not having sex, that
you enjoy, then it's like, oh,I'm just gonna just talk freely.
Okay, he does this thing that Idon't like, that he does, but
it seems like he likes it.
I don't want to disappoint him,so I'm going to let him do it,
but I don't really like it.
So then sex happens and it'slike, oh, that was just not
great.
Then it feels like someone'strying to initiate sex and it's
like, oh, I don't want him to dothat thing.
Way before sex is even on thetable, it's like, oh, it's going
(17:11):
to lead to sex.
And then we're going to be backin that situation where he's
doing the thing and I don't likedo you see the thing?
And it's like, right, and so ifwe're like I don't enjoy that
thing, but I don't know how tosay I don't like that specific
thing, then we'll just go, I'lljust, we'll just delete the
whole.
We'll do a lot of things to nothave an uncomfortable
(17:36):
conversation, all right, likewho's been there?
Lisset (17:40):
Yeah, we got some avoidant people.
I'm sure they're listening.
If you're avoidant, it's okay.
Just skip the next 30 seconds.
I'm kidding.
That's the thing about beingavoidant is that you need to
communicate, you need tocommunicate and you need to
communicate often, so there'snot resentment building up.
(18:04):
And these types ofcommunications are very
challenging, can be verychallenging at times, and that's
why Brittany and I have we havemeetings, we have relationship
check-ins every week.
Relationship check-ins everyweek.
Before that we've had Radar'slonger relationship check-ins
every six weeks so that we canhave a container about talking
(18:27):
about it regularly.
And if you're not willing tohave the challenging
conversation, it's just going tobuild up into resentment.
Goddess Brittney (18:35):
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm .
So one of the how you phrasedit was like how can I support my
wife in this experience?
How can we have honestcommunication?
How can we create safety witheach other and with ourselves?
How can we start to have aconversation about the kind of
(18:56):
sex we enjoy?
And I would just love to justthrow this sprinkle in there
Oftentimes, what I'veexperienced and noticed in the
conversation around heterosexualsex is that sex is defined as a
P and a V, and that is what weare defining as sex, and so I
(19:16):
would invite you to explore amore bountiful table of what sex
could be.
And if we are opening to thespace of sex, is not necessarily
penetration, penis fingers,anything.
What else can we experience ina sensual and sexual space that
(19:38):
feels good to both of us?
That also might start to unwindsome other things, because
sometimes people are like, ohand this is I'll just speak
personally Sometimes I'm like Iam not wanting penetrative sex.
I am open to being intimate andsexy in other ways.
(19:58):
But I in the past have beenlike, oh, if someone was saying
like, do you want to have sex?
It's like feels like a yes orno of like, do I want to be
penetrated.
And if that's a no, then it'slike oh, I guess I'm no to all
of these things.
Lisset (20:11):
Yeah, and I wasn't actually no to all of those
things I think this is, this wasthe goal mind for us, because
what happened was we started tocreate space for intimacy
without a goal.
Yes, we started to go.
Okay, what if we, for a certainfor an hour, on a weekend, you
know and shout out to libidofairy?
We'll probably talk more abouther, but let's make a space
(20:34):
that's just us laying togetherand kissing and just having
intimacy, without the goal oforgasm.
Goddess Brittney (20:41):
Yes, and that opened up so much space for us
well, I mean, we're already here, so I I believe in investing in
yourself what I believe ininvesting in pleasure.
So when I was having thisexperience, I was like I have a
lot of tools and I am in need ofa mentor and I'm in need of a
(21:03):
container to hold me to look atthis, of what's going on.
And so I went to the LibidoFairy Shout out to Hannah, she's
really incredible, superamazing and, you know, funnily
enough enough, it wasn't stuff Ididn't know, shocker and I
needed the container to hold meso that I could see it and hear
things in a new way and get anew perspective on quote unquote
(21:26):
what I thought I already knew,because there's always more to
know.
And one of my biggest takeawaysfrom her was asking myself what
do I need to be open or willingfor connection?
So taking orgasms away from sexof like, if it's not orgasm
focused, what if sex isconnection focused?
(21:47):
And it was like I do want toconnect with my partner, I do
want to connect with my partnerin this intimate, physical way.
What do I need to be open orwilling to create that
connection?
And so ask yourself, ask yourpartner.
One of my biggest things that Igot from that was like turning
down the turn off.
(22:09):
So, like, what are the thingsthat turn you off?
What are the things that arelike full stop, like if this is
happening, I'm not getting closeto being willing to be intimate
you know, like and for me, likesome people, it's like messy
rooms and things like that, andI was like that doesn't bother
me as much, but like vibesreally do matter to me and so
like, if there's like weirdharsh lighting, that's not the
(22:31):
vibe.
Lisset (22:33):
Weird music.
Goddess Brittney (22:34):
Weird music no , yeah, it's immediate, like I
can't do anything, yeah.
Lisset (22:39):
Yeah, or you know, being in a space that's dirty,
yeah, or like messy.
Goddess Brittney (22:48):
I can't do messy.
She can't do messy.
I can't do messy.
Messy was okay for me if thingswere clean, but like if the
there's like weird energy in theroom, yeah, no, we can't have
any poltergeist going on no, no,but like turning down.
But for some people it's like,hey, if there's dishes in the
sink, that's a turnout.
For me it was, um, open worktabs, and so I needed to make
(23:12):
make sure that I created a wayto literally wind down from work
, close all the tabs, put thingsthat were in my head on a piece
of paper so they wouldn't bejust floating around in my head,
because that was a big turnoffof all of a sudden it's like oh
a client, oh an email.
Then it was just like I'm notable to be present.
So asking yourselves, what arethe things that turn us off?
(23:34):
What are the things that makeus stop from being willing or
being open to being intimatewith each other?
And let's actually focus onturning down those things.
Beautiful, beautiful.
Shout out to Libby DeFerry.
Lisset (23:47):
Oh, yeah, yeah, and I think one of the things I loved
about that was even justcreating that languaging of are
you open to maybe being willingto?
Possibly we would just draw itout for a while just to have fun
with it and then I was like oh,I'm a literal listener and a
very direct communicator.
(24:08):
So if I'm not getting like myclothes ripped off of me I
didn't know so when she wouldstart that language I'm like
uh-huh.
I'm like when you're my clothesripped off of me I didn't know
so when she would start thatlanguage, I'm like uh-huh.
I'm like when you're about totell the dogs that they can go
on a walk, I was like okay it'shappening, it's happening, it's
happening.
My tail starts wagging.
It's great.
Goddess Brittney (24:23):
Well, it was amazing when we just opened
again opened the space of likenon-orgasm focus, connection,
fun, focus, pleasure focus, andallowing the space of oh, what
do I need?
To be open and willing andallowing more spontaneity, more
fun, more responsiveness EmilyNagowski talks about this as
(24:45):
well in coming together, abridging activity.
So having an activity thatcreates connection and closeness
before we start to get into amore naked intimacy place and I
mean you could be the bridgingactivity could be naked, like
maybe it's massages, maybe it'sa shower together, maybe it's a
walk together, maybe it's eyegazing, but oftentimes she
(25:07):
described it, there's likespontaneous desire, responsive
desire, but a lot of times,again, this was like a
heterosexual experience.
She was saying, like mostheterosexual sex is like 6 to 13
minutes and most women take 20to 30 plus minutes to be warm
and like lubricated and in thespace of arousal for desire.
(25:29):
So if you're in a heterosexualrelationship and the sex is 6 to
13 minutes, minutes, but ittakes 20 to 30 minutes to even
be in the space of desire for it, are we seeing how there could
be like a mismatch?
So creating like, what are thebridging activities that could
lead us into the experience ofbeing wanting to have the
(25:50):
intimacy um, you're full on theappetizer and I haven't even
eaten yet.
I know and then it's like I meanit just really changed my whole
world.
Because then it's like, oh gosh.
Well, like now that I'm here atthe restaurant, like I'd love a
feast, I'd love a dessert, I'dalso love espresso.
At the end of the meal, youknow like well, let's have an
avocado, let's have grapes,let's have a cheese platter,
(26:11):
let's have to really relax intoan experience, as opposed to
like I got seven minutes, youwanna do it?
Lisset (26:20):
It's like uh no, cheese plates, cheese plates are
eternal.
Goddess Brittney (26:26):
Let me check my notes.
Oh, at the end of your questionyou were saying how can I hold
space for her, hold space formyself and decide none, and like
not feel like either of us arefailing.
And I just have like a you knowdirect, like what if you just
decided that nobody's failing?
Yeah, what if it's not failure?
It's feedback, yeah, and you'regetting feedback on, hey, this
(26:49):
is how this aspect of ourrelationship is going in this
moment.
Um, this, I feel like take itas an opportunity of what do we
each want from the sexualrelationship, the sexual nature
in our relationship.
Lisset (27:03):
Yeah, you know, and I really want to just also speak
directly to you it's okay tohave the desire in it not be met
Like full on, full stop.
You can share it.
I do this thing where I wantthings that I know I'm not going
to get, and it's like it couldbe like baby.
(27:25):
I have a desire and she's likeokay, what is it?
I'm like I would like an icecream and a waffle cone.
And she goes okay, she was, youwant to do something about it?
I'm like no, I've got goals.
I just needed to say it outloud and there's.
There's just like a little,like a little release in the
valve.
That makes me feel better andsometimes I need to be witnessed
in my desire.
Goddess Brittney (27:45):
You know, this just popped in.
I'm like improv class there's,sometimes there's a game.
It's like a like a yes and, butmaybe it's like a end, but
maybe it's like so, it's like if, like it's like hey, I'm
feeling really sensual and likeI want to do X, y and Z sexually
and someone could be like oh,thank you so much for sharing
(28:08):
your desire with me.
How I'm feeling is ABC.
And they're like like oh, Icould be interested in abc.
Or it's like oh, I like c.
Have you considered d?
Like there are spaces to.
You know, consider just so manygraphic things are coming ahead
(28:31):
and I'm like I just don't knowhow uncensored I can be on my
own podcast I know, it's justlike oh who.
It's just like oh, who wants to?
It's like I would like to eatyour ass, yeah.
And then someone else is like,oh, okay, Okay.
Lisset (28:43):
Okay, all right, interested in that, interested
in that.
Maybe not in this moment, maybenot.
I just got back from the gym.
Goddess Brittney (28:55):
Yeah, but you okay yeah, because your family
listens to this Whatever, thereare no secrets in the film
Leslie.
But it's like, oh, I could beinterested in naked cuddling,
that would feel really good.
And it's like, ooh, nakedcuddling feels good.
Would you be interested inreceiving a vulva massage?
You know what I would beinterested in receiving a vulva
(29:16):
massage.
You know what I would beinterested in receiving a vulva
massage.
Lisset (29:26):
Great Look at what we found there.
Yeah, absolutely, there's sucha wider range for you to play in
and we're inviting you to playthere.
Play, we're costumes, like play.
Goddess Brittney (29:35):
Wear costumes.
Lisset (29:37):
We're queer.
It's just a big old playgroundhere.
Yeah, like it's constantlydiscovering and exploring and
doing all the things Like thinkbeyond your penis, yes, think
beyond your penis, becausethere's so much playground.
Think beyond genitals.
Think beyond genitals Like yes,we'll ride the sky eventually,
but let's play on the monkeybars.
Goddess Brittney (29:59):
There's so much to play.
I mean, I'll just be frank,there's a lot of spaces that
orgasms can happen anywhere.
So, emily, again she talksabout the most important
experience to have an orgasm.
To experience that kind ofrelease of pleasure is actually
your brain, it's not anythingelse, which is why you can read
a book and have an orgasm.
To experience that kind ofrelease of pleasure is actually
your brain, it's not anythingelse, which is why you can read
(30:19):
a book and have an orgasm.
This is why you can see a thingand feel aroused.
Lisset (30:22):
You need to share your book list because I have yet to
read a book and have an orgasm.
Is it just the book?
Sorry?
Goddess Brittney (30:31):
No, I mean, they write very sexy scenes.
Lisset (30:35):
Get on book talk y'all, so you read the sexy scene and
then you do something over here.
Goddess Brittney (30:40):
No, sometimes I just read it and I just feel
the energy of it.
Lisset (30:43):
Whoa.
Okay, see, I'm going to needthat book list and that's my
experience.
Goddess Brittney (30:47):
I'm a very sensual, energetic.
Lisset (30:48):
She is.
Victoria (30:48):
I'm a very energetic.
Goddess Brittney (30:56):
So like energy can make me have an orgasm.
One time she was playing theguitar and that experience
allowed me to have an orgasm.
But it's just like you got tothink outside the box.
I'm really good, but it's justwhat happens when we take the
(31:17):
pressure off, allow ourselves toexplore, allow ourselves to get
curious, start to decide whatfeels safe enough to share with
our partners.
And the more you share, themore I just feel like the better
sex gets in.
Like I have been able to sharewith her of.
Like oh, you know, when you dothis particular thing like I,
actually that doesn't feel good.
Lisset (31:36):
And like oh, and she'll be like okay, great, what would
feel better?
Yeah, what would feel better.
What would you like?
Yeah, like, not my gumdropfriend.
Goddess Brittney (31:47):
But again, like it's like if we're not
having the experiences, what weenjoy, we will just really cut
ourselves off and thatexperience that you can not
enjoy could literally be.
It could be trauma, it could bestress, it can be literally
just a thing one does, you know.
Lisset (32:02):
I just want to.
One of the things that I that Ilove about Brittany is that we
have so much fun and people whohave stayed over our house they
hear that fun, yeah, and I oneof one of our friends recently
reflected to us how much heloved it, how much we laughed.
Yeah, and we're not laughing.
It's the blooper reel that'smaking us laugh and and it's
(32:24):
like the fun, but like we justlike it's supposed to be fun
y'all, yeah don't forget yeah,don't forget, it's supposed,
like it's, don't go into sex, ohwow, so serious.
Goddess Brittney (32:33):
Yeah, no, it's supposed to be fun.
Lisset (32:36):
Us and dolphins, we do it for fun, don't forget, have
fun.
We laugh, we laugh so hard, sohard.
Yeah, we can jokes, yeah, wemake jokes, and they're just
like oh, so you don't like thatokay all right, that's fine,
we'll try something else it's abig old playground.
Goddess Brittney (32:51):
Yes, so, have fun, have fun.
I mean fun, I mean, oh, okay,this is my last little sprinklet
from the fun thing is checkingin with each other and just
seeing is sex in ourrelationship a priority?
Yeah, is it a priority.
Sometimes we have differentpriorities and I just saw a
(33:14):
TikTok about this, about likepeople are going for balance and
it's not about balance.
There are seasons and there areseasons of certain experiences
and things and you're going forsomething and it's about how do
we rest and recuperate inbetween the seasons.
So, just checking in, hey, arewe in a season where sex is a
priority for us?
Are we in a season wherethere's something else that
(33:36):
might be a priority for us?
Are we in a season wherethere's something else that
might be a priority for us?
Maybe it's the kids, maybeyou're going after a new goal in
your career, something likethat.
But like, checking in aroundthat it's like cool, are we on
the same page of like level ofpriority for this?
If we are, let's invest thereand invest with our time, with
our energy and with our money.
(33:56):
Yeah, like, like.
Do we need more times withdates?
Do we need to get morebabysitters?
Do we need more weekends away.
We love a just cuz trip andit's like we get child care for
our dogs, you know, and it'slike it's time for us to focus
on us.
I invested.
I was like this is somethingthat's important to me.
I'm going to invest with amentor, yeah, who specializes in
(34:17):
this.
I teach, like are you going to?
Are you willing to put yourtime, energy, money into what
you're saying is a priority?
Yeah, sometimes you gotta buymore rope.
Lisset (34:28):
You gotta yeah, you gotta get a gallon of lube yes,
you gotta you gotta get a kiddiebowl like you, just gotta run
with it you just don't know youdon know, you gotta get some of
those kid masks Remember thelittle plastic masks.
Goddess Brittney (34:41):
Sometimes, you have to buy things, and the
vibrators I like are luscious.
They're luscious, they'relusciously priced, because I
only want the best on my pussy.
Lisset (34:56):
For all these reasons, for all these reasons and more
you're listening to one of ourmost probably lowest listener
count on youtube, but you know,it's totally fine.
It's totally fine, we're gonnaget so shadow banned.
No, yeah, delete, delete,unsubscribe.
It's fine, it's a right we'retalking about it educationally.
Goddess Brittney (35:16):
It's an educational podcast.
I'll just say education overand over again.
Education.
She's a sex educator Foreducational purposes, only
Educational yeah.
Are you guys feeling educated?
Yeah?
Lisset (35:27):
Sex-wise.
Goddess Brittney (35:28):
That's weird.
Lisset (35:31):
That's my sex fire pit.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding If my family'slistening.
I'm kidding.
Goddess Brittney (35:41):
No, I've never set her on fire, not without
her consent.
Lisset (35:46):
That's the way.
Her eyebrows are tattooed on.
Goddess Brittney (35:48):
No, you guys have known us very intimately.
Victoria (35:56):
today, Welcome to our last episode.
Lisset (35:59):
No, I'm allowed to joke , okay.
Goddess Brittney (36:05):
Well, I don't even know how to move out from
where we're at.
Lisset (36:08):
I don't know we're so deep in this hole.
Oh my God, so deep in this hole.
Oh man, that was fun.
That was fun.
That was fun.
I hope, I really hope thislistener like feels our love.
Goddess Brittney (36:24):
I hope they feel our love too and like
please let us know how it'sgoing, what is feeling, what is
feeling juicy and alive andworking for you.
And yeah, I'm super excited toget an update.
Lisset (36:36):
Yeah, I kind of feel bad, but I, I'm the I forgot to
mention have.
Have you tried being honest?
Oh, with the person yeah, aboutyour feelings I think I did say
that, but I just can't gottasay it I gotta say it again
explicitly, explicitly be honestabout your feelings, be honest
about your desires.
Be honest about your feelings,be honest about your desires, be
honest about your needs andreceive whatever is said on the
(36:58):
other side with love.
Goddess Brittney (37:00):
Yes, with love .
So if you have a question, youknow how to hit us up you can
send us a DM, you can send us atext at 971-895-4111.
And please take thisopportunity to like and
subscribe to this podcast.
As you can see, this is how wekeep this alive is by people
(37:21):
sharing it and sharing the goodword.
We love hearing from you andyou being a part of our
community, so take theopportunity to do so now.
Yeah.
Lisset (37:29):
And until we meet again , be honest with each other.
Goddess Brittney (37:32):
Bye, bye.
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