October 22, 2025 • 44 mins
Please note: today's episode deals with sensitive issues like reproductive complications and infertility.
What do you do when you when you find out that you won't be able to have children as a single woman?
Today, I'm sharing a part of my story - how Jesus has faithfully walked me through endometriosis, polycystic ovarian syndrome, uterine fibroids, and ultimately a hysterectomy at the age of 30. Though I've walked through the valley of the shadow of death and struggled with how my body has not functioned correctly - Jesus has been faithful through it all. It is my privilege to share both the difficulties, depressions, and wrestlings with the Lord as well as His blessings, gifts and comforts. As the old hymn goes, this is my story, this is my song...Praising my Savior all the day long.
I pray this testimony meets you in the hard places in your life, encouraging you that your unknown future can be trusted to a known God (Corrie Ten Boom).
Scriptures
- Luke 23:28-29
- Psalm 139:14
- Isaiah 53 and 54
- Genesis 11
- 1 Samuel 1
- Lamentations 3:20-26
You can find me on Instagram / Threads
Join the newsletter!
Questions? Comments? Email me at: carrie@ps8116.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hey friends, before we get started today, I wanted
to let you know that thisepisode deals with some
sensitive subject matter likereproductive issues and
infertility.
But my prayer is that in thisepisode, the Lord will minister
his gracious hope, his unfailinglove, and his deep, deep comfort
(00:22):
when we are walking throughincredibly difficult and
heartbreaking things.
Thanks for listening.
(00:50):
I hope wherever this episodefinds you, that you are hanging
in there and that you are doingall right.
This is a little bit of adifferent episode today because
I am going to share some of mystory with you today.
And in all honesty, I feel alittle bit nervous about it,
which is funny for me because mystory is a story that I have not
(01:12):
been shy to share.
I have dealt with severereproductive issues for most of
my life.
And in the Lord's kindness andin his graciousness, as I have
shared my story with friends andfamily, the Lord has brought
many, many women into my lifewho have walked the same journey
(01:35):
or are in the midst of a pieceof the journey where I have
been.
And we've been able to share andwalk alongside each other as we
as we work through these reallydevastating and difficult issues
when it comes to ourreproductive systems.
And so today I want to sharepart of it because as I have
(01:57):
talked about loving Jesus andhow he loves us and how do we
fill the first commandment,fulfill the first commandment, I
know that I've alluded to thingsin my past and alluded to things
in my story.
And I really felt like it wasimportant to take a pause from
sharing things that the Lord iscurrently revealing to me in his
word and things that he's put onmy heart to share with you and
(02:19):
encourage you and walk youthrough some of the things that
the Lord has brought me out ofin the past.
So today we are gonna hop in atime machine a little bit, and I
want to share with you how theLord has used the incredible
difficulty of reproductiveissues and ultimately
(02:41):
infertility, insofar as I'msingle.
I have never been married.
I've walked with the Lord almostmy entire life.
I've been committed to Him myentire life.
And um I've had to make somereally difficult decisions on
this journey as a single woman.
So my prayer today is that youwill be encouraged as the Lord
(03:03):
has encouraged me, that he willminister to you as the Lord has
ministered to me, as I've walkedthrough darkness and despair and
sadness, as I've walked throughtimes of deep lack of
understanding, crying out tohim, and how he has shown up
every time, every time, in thetimes I've had to wait for him,
(03:26):
in the times I've had to make,like I said, difficult
decisions, and in the timeswhere there was so much blessing
from him in his leading and inhis goodness and his kindness
and his compassion.
So to kick things off, I'm gonnatalk a little bit about the
(03:50):
technical side of things, justto give you a scope of kind of
what I've walked through, andwe'll just go from there.
So from the time I was 12 to thetime I was 17, I really
struggled with chronic pain.
I I hit puberty at 12, andeverything just kind of went off
the rails immediately.
(04:11):
Um my parents noticed just howdifficult my cycles were.
I mean, I was in excruciatingpain and would just have days
where I couldn't get up and waslaying in bed.
And so they started taking me tothe doctor.
And I, and I think to thedoctor's defense a little bit,
you know, because what I wouldhear is, oh honey, this is just
(04:34):
this is just how it goes.
It's difficult for women, it'spainful.
And, you know, they're probablylike writing in their notes,
like, teenage girl, superdramatic, you know, because I I
mean, I don't know if I mean ifyou know me, I I can have a
little bit of a penchant fordrama.
But um I I was, I was strugglingwith chronic pain, taking tons
(04:55):
of ibuprofen, just would havehave days and days where I
couldn't move because it hurt sobad.
But I was also trying to stayactive.
I was really active in severalyouth groups in Virginia and did
my homeschool skate every everyWednesday, which was like the
highlight of my life.
I had so many great friendsthere and, you know, loved
(05:16):
roller skating to Christiansongs.
I mean, fun fact the first timeI ever held hands with a boy was
in a roller skating rink, youknow, floating around to Love
Song for a Savior by Jars ofClay.
It's it's just delightful.
I mean, it's just so cute.
Like, anyway, so I was stillreally active and that kind of
(05:38):
thing, but chronic pain was wasreally starting to overtake my
life.
And it was getting worse andworse and worse to where when we
moved here to Colorado, uh, thesummer I turned 17, I got
violently ill and was in so muchpain.
And when my parents took me tothe ER, the doctors did an
ultrasound and saw that I had acyst that had burst.
(06:00):
And through that, I was put intoum a gynecological practice that
specialized in diagnosing, youknow, I guess strange
reproductive issues.
But apparently they had nevermet anybody as strange as me.
So I had my first laparoscopicsurgery when I was 17, and they
(06:21):
discovered that I had a reallysevere case of endometriosis.
Now, endometriosis is somethingthat is talked about a lot now,
but at the time, this was in thelate 90s, it really wasn't
talked about a ton, and therewas not a lot known about it.
And so my treatment plan becamebirth control, shoving a lot of
(06:41):
birth control at me just to tryand help regulate my system.
Well, it wasn't working.
And four years later, I washaving another laparoscopic
surgery because the pain had notonly grown in intensity, but now
I was experiencing incrediblyheavy bleeding to the point
where, again, I was I was havingto lay in bed for days at a
(07:04):
time, couldn't move, and myquality of life was just
dwindling.
And it was also really taking atoll on me mentally.
Just the just my life was beingeaten up by my uterus,
essentially.
It was, it was so disheartening.
And and walking through it, justcrying out to the Lord, asking
(07:25):
him to help me, asking him tohelp me understand what I should
do, Lord, because my doctorswere really concerned, but they
but they continued to saythings, well, we've never seen
things like this before, orlet's try this, or well, we've
done this and this should haveworked, so you're fine.
But my symptoms would continueto worsen, then I'd have
(07:47):
surgery, and then they'd comeback and say, Yeah, you were you
were right.
We saw this, this, this, andthis in in in the surgery.
So eventually, in addition tothe endometriosis, I was
diagnosed with polycysticovarian syndrome, now known as
PCOS.
And eventually, then I was umdiagnosed with lesions in my
(08:11):
uterine wall.
And eventually after that, I wasdiagnosed with uterine fibroids.
And as I lived my life and as Iaged, um, like I said, it
chronic pain is debilitating andit it wears on you, and the Lord
knows that it does.
(08:31):
And in a in a world where somany things are so prized, like
how you look and you know, howyou build a life and how you
curate life, right?
We live in such a curatedsociety now.
It was it was such a struggleto, and I had to wrestle with
(08:52):
the Lord in how my life looked.
Because most of my life wasbeing spent in my room or on the
couch.
And that's not to say that Iwasn't able to go out and do
things at different times.
I was.
There were there were pocketswhere I felt really good and was
able to travel.
I traveled for work, able to goand do fun things, but but this
(09:15):
giant issue of endometriosis andpolycystic ovarian syndrome just
sat over me like a cloud.
It it really controlled myentire life because I never knew
when my cycle was going to hitand I was going to be completely
debilitated and not able, notable to move or be crippled with
(09:36):
chronic pain.
And it was really difficult.
And then on top of it, thequestion is the questions I had
were, well, what what does thismean for my future?
I'm having all of these issues.
I'm reading that endometriosiscontributes to infertility.
You know, if I get married, willI even be able to have kids?
(10:01):
And just questions I waswrestling with.
You know, I I had dated somebodyat the time, and then we broke
up, and then for a significantamount of time I was single, and
and just wrestling with theseissues before the Lord.
What is what does this mean formy life, Lord Jesus?
And what are you saying?
And and how do I walk throughthis well?
Because along with, you know,all sorts of endometriosis and
(10:24):
just all of the cycle issues, Imean, the hormone swings, the
mood swings, all of it.
I mean, God bless my family.
They they had to put up with alot from me uh for many, many
years uh because of what Ibecause of what I was walking
through.
And so as I was wrestlingthrough these things with the
Lord, I will never forget oneway the Lord spoke so clearly to
(10:50):
me.
And it was actually after mysecond surgery where I was
officially diagnosed withpolycystic ovarian syndrome.
So they had cleaned out a ton ofendometriosis again, and they
had they call it popping, theypopped um seven cysts off my
ovaries.
(11:10):
I mean, this was just it was ait was a huge surgery.
And I remember I was sitting athome by myself, and I had my
blanket and I had my Bible, andI was just crying out to the
Lord because those surgeries areabdominal surgery surgeries, and
(11:31):
even though they'relaparoscopic, they're very
painful.
And I was just in a differentkind of pain from surgery rather
than the usual reproductivepain.
And I remember just feeling sodiscouraged, so devastated by
another surgery and the resultsof the surgery, even though my
(11:54):
doctors kept saying, you know,we think this is it, we think
you'll be fine.
Um, my body just didn't feelright.
I just, I, I, it's it's adifficult thing to live so many
years not feeling right in yourbody.
And I know so many people whohave walked through chronic pain
and and through illness anddisease and cancer and all of
(12:19):
those kinds of things.
And and and we've I've talkedabout it with people, you just
you know your body's notfunctioning correctly, and it is
so uncomfortable.
And it's it's a point ofgrieving because you're asking
the Lord, you've you've given methis body and it's not
functioning correctly, Lord.
How do I operate in this?
And what are you saying to me?
(12:39):
And again, as a young woman,really questioning what Lord,
what do these things mean for myfuture?
And so as I was sitting with theLord and weeping and crying and
asking for His, for His word,for His comfort, for Him to lead
me.
I don't I don't know how todescribe it other than in the
(13:01):
language of sense that I heardwithin the core of my being.
What echoed through me wasblessed are the barren.
And with that came anoverwhelming sense of comfort
and also heartbreak.
(13:22):
I started weeping, A, because Iwas thankful that the Lord had
spoken to me.
I felt a lot like Job in thatmoment where, you know, Job's
been crying out to the Lord for30 chapters and asking him where
he is, and then finally the Lordshows up, right?
And we say finely, but it's it'sfinely from our finite
(13:45):
perspective, but it was right ontime always from the Lord's
eternal perspective and hisperfect perspective.
And so I'm I'm weeping and and Ijust let that sit in me.
I let it sit in me.
Blessed are the barren, becauseI knew what the Lord was telling
(14:05):
me is that I wouldn't have myown children.
That I would, this body that hehad given me was not one that
was going to bear children.
And so I, you know, you grievethrough that with the Lord, and
yet also, again, so thankfulthat he has spoken.
At least, at least now I know,and that's what I can operate
(14:27):
out of.
Well, about six months later, Iwas reading the Bible, and I was
reading the crucifixion ofJesus, and I started reading
Luke 23.
And as I read, I came to whereJesus, having been beaten to
within an inch of his life,right?
39 stripes, and a crown ofthorns smashed on his head, and
(14:50):
already the horrific, horrificsuffering and war and Gethsemane
unto blood that he's nowcarrying his cross through
Jerusalem.
And as he's carrying his cross,he sees a group of women who are
standing there weeping andweeping and weeping.
And it's this is such anamazing, amazing moment because
(15:12):
in the midst of horrific,horrific, we don't even
understand, nor can wecomprehend the amount of
suffering and pain that Jesuswas in.
He stops and he looks at thewomen and he says, Daughters of
Jerusalem, do not weep for me,but weep for yourselves and for
your children.
(15:33):
For indeed the days are comingin which they will say, Blessed
are the barren, wombs that neverbore, and breasts which never
nursed.
Now I know that this is tied tothe prophecy that Jesus gave
about Jerusalem being destroyedin 70 AD.
(15:54):
But for me to read that and toliterally see the words come out
of the mouth of Jesus Christthat says, Blessed are the
barren.
Again, that sense of gratitudeand thankfulness to the Lord.
Because I have, I'm I'm apastor's kid.
(16:17):
I've been in church my entirelife.
I've walked with the Lord mostof my life.
And I've read the Old Testament.
I know that barrenness was oftena curse from the Lord in a lot
of ways.
But I've also seen the way thatthe Lord takes women who are
(16:38):
barren and he uses them for hisglory.
I can see that now.
But at the time when I'm tryingto work through these things
with the Lord, these feelings ofloss and and of grief, grieving
the way my body doesn't workversus the way it should work.
You know, I would read thosestories about Sarah, you know,
(16:59):
it took 25 years for her to geta child, but she was barren.
Hannah, we don't know how longshe was barren, but we know she
was desolate, desolate, cryingand weeping on the steps of the
temple.
And so I really had to wrestlethrough understanding that my
(17:20):
barrenness wasn't a curse.
And even though these words arefrom Jesus to a group of women,
as he's prophesying about what'sgoing to come on Jerusalem, to
read, Blessed are the barren,was a balm to my soul, was a
balm to my soul.
And so as I continued to walkthrough this journey, uh things
(17:44):
got worse.
In between my second and thirdsurgery, they they tried a drug
on me called Lupron, which isessentially like a hard, they
call it a hard reset for yourbody, which makes me think of a
computer, right?
You've installed an update, it'sglitching, it's it's acting
weird, you take it into GeekSquad, and they say, Well, let's
just do a factory reset, right?
(18:06):
And then see if we can installthese programs.
I mean, that's essentially whatthis drug was supposed to do.
So six shots, one shot a monthfor six months, and you know,
ta-da, you're supposed to be asgood as new.
Well, you remember how I kepttelling you that my doctors were
saying, Oh, we've just neverquite seen this before.
And this is usually people don'trespond this way.
(18:29):
Well, guess what?
The lupron didn't work.
In fact, instead of putting mein menopause for six months, it
put me in menopause for a year.
And then when I came out of it,everything was worse.
Everything was worse.
And I had to have anothersurgery for polycystic ovarian
(18:52):
syndrome for the endometriosis,and that's when they started
noticing the lesions outside myuterine wall.
And it was at this time I was25.
So I had a surgery at 17, asurgery at 21, and a surgery at
25.
And it was at this time that Isincerely started asking my
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doctors to consider giving me ahysterectomy.
Because as things got worse, thechronic pain got worse, and the
bleeding got worse.
So I'm barreling towardseverything just getting so much
worse.
And struggling again with myquality of life, with chronic
(19:36):
pain.
And there were pockets, therewere pockets where I would I
would be fine for a few months.
But again, just that lingeringdread in the back of my mind as
like, when is this just gonnaget horrible again?
Because eventually it did.
It always would.
And so, and and a lot of nodoctor would give me a
hysterectomy.
(19:56):
And I and I understand why.
I was young, I wasn't married.
I, you know, again, I committedmy life to the Lord.
I wasn't having sex outside ofmarriage.
And so they didn't know.
They didn't know if I would beable to have kids or not.
But I already knew.
I knew I had that word from theLord.
And so it was walking in,knowing what the Lord had said
(20:18):
to me, but also walking inwisdom.
I would I was a young woman, um,you know, again, 25 years old at
the time when I first startedasking.
And I understand the doctor'shesitance and and reticence to
do it, absolutely.
But things continued to todisintegrate.
(20:39):
And and as they did, I startedrealizing that I needed to walk
in confidence in the Lord andwhat he had shown me.
But what he had shown me interms of me not being able to
(21:01):
bear my own children also hadconsequence, right?
I had to wrestle then with thefact that the future that I had
thought that I was going tohave, it was highly unlikely
that it was a going, it wasgoing to be reality.
You you just, I think most of usjust grow up naturally thinking
(21:24):
you're gonna get married, you'regonna have kids, right?
Because family is a gift fromGod, marriage is a gift from
God, motherhood is a gift fromGod.
And I had to wrestle with thefact that the Lord was good, He
loved me, and He called me andHe made me, but there were
certain things that were notgoing to be a part of my story.
(21:48):
And and I'll be honest with you,it was difficult.
It was a real wrestle becausethere is a there is a an honor
bestowed on motherhood that isabsolutely deserved.
Motherhood is a holy calling.
(22:11):
I have so many friends who areincredible mothers.
The way that they love theirchildren and disciple their
children in the gospel of JesusChrist is a gift, is a gift.
And I can see the joy that theyhave in fulfilling that calling
(22:34):
that the Lord has put on theirlife, and it is beautiful.
And I have been blessed by it.
I mean, I have been blessed bymy own mother, who I think is
the best mom in the whole entireworld.
I've been incredibly blessed bythe mother that Jesus gave me in
my mom, Jackie.
I mean, she's my dearest andmost best friend in the world,
(22:54):
and she has weathered everysingle storm with me as and been
an incredible mother.
But I had to wrestle with thefact that I was hearing a lot in
churches and and from otherChristian places that motherhood
is not only a holy calling, butit's the highest calling for a
(23:18):
woman.
And I respectfully say I don'tagree with that.
I don't agree with that.
Like I said, I think motherhoodis a holy calling.
It is a holy calling, but it isnot the highest calling.
The highest calling for all ofus is to be a disciple of Jesus
Christ and to love him and toand to know the Father, to love
(23:39):
the Father, to know the HolySpirit, and to walk, to walk
with them, to love their word,to preach the gospel.
And it's out of all of that,then that every other calling
comes.
And so please hear my heart withthat.
I am not, I am not saying thatit's wrong to be a mother,
(23:59):
obviously not.
It's it's literally the way thatour bodies were designed is to
bear children.
And yet the Lord put me in aplace where I had to wrestle
with the fact that the body thathe gave me was not going to walk
in that in that way.
And where the Lord really led mewas in Psalm 139.
(24:22):
You know, we we quote thatscripture a lot, but that
scripture, that scripture comesto roost in reality when your
body doesn't work the way thatit should.
Can we still stand and say, I amfearfully wonder and wonderfully
made?
That I was knit together in mymother's womb.
(24:44):
Lord, that you formed my inwardparts.
And to trust that when my inwardparts don't work like they
should, that Lord, you are goingto use this for your glory.
And that's what I've had to cometo.
Jesus has not called me to be amother of children from my own
from my own womb.
(25:04):
And I don't know what he's goingto do with my future.
But I can confidently stand andsay that I am fearfully and
wonderfully made, and that thisbody that Jesus has given me is
the body he gave me to give himthe most glory.
And I will stand and bless hisname for it.
And I have had to really fightto practically work that out.
(25:28):
Because when I hit 30,everything fell apart.
So for the nine months before Iturned 30, I had started started
losing weight, which I wasreally excited about because
with endometriosis andpolycystic ovarian syndrome,
weight gain is a huge part ofthat.
(25:48):
And I had always reallystruggled with my weight and
fluctuated all over the place.
So I started losing weight,started getting skinny, was
really excited about, reallyexcited about that.
But then I started noticing,even though I was losing weight,
like I was having a difficulttime walking upstairs still.
(26:09):
I was out of breath and I was sotired.
And my hair was starting tochange.
And all of a sudden, once again,like it did, my cycle just
started going berserk.
And so I was just asking theLord for wisdom and also
(26:32):
Googling and going on WebMD,which is literally the worst
thing ever.
So I had actually called my momcrying because I, you know, had
done too much Googling, too muchWeb MDing, and convinced myself
that I had ovarian cancer, whichI did have many of the symptoms,
(26:52):
and I was just convinced.
And she was just like, hey,don't ever scare me like that
again.
You're the worst.
But I I agree that something,something is going on.
Go back to the doctor.
Let's see what's going on.
So I went to the doctor and Iwas sharing with her.
I was I saw the PA and wassharing with her what was going
(27:17):
on and just how horrible thingshad gotten again, the chronic
pain, the excessive bleeding,and said, I would just really
like to talk to a doctor to seeif somebody would consider
giving me a hysterectomy.
I said, I just, I'm done.
I'm tired.
And she said, absolutely.
And that was literally the firsttime any doctor had actually
said to me, yes, we can considerit.
(27:38):
This was four days after my 30thbirthday.
She said, but first let's dosome blood work and let's let's
do an ultrasound and let's justkind of see where you're at.
I said, Oh, okay, that soundsgood.
And she said, Well, we can getyou into an ultrasound uh
tomorrow.
And I was just like, Oh, okay,here we go again.
She's concerned, we've gotthings going on.
(28:03):
So we did the ultrasound, andultrasound technicians are not
supposed to do anything exceptfor do the ultrasound.
They're not supposed to give youany hint about what they saw.
Like they can't really read.
I don't know how much they canread on an ultrasound.
I know that they know whatthey're looking for, but they're
not supposed to give you anyhint as to what's going on.
(28:25):
Well, I'm having my ultrasound,and all of a sudden my
ultrasound technician goes, Ohmy gosh.
I mean, isn't that a great thingto hear?
Great thing to hear when you're,you know, waiting to see what's
going on.
And I was like, What?
She said, Oh no, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I shouldn't have done that.
Like, well, yeah, thanks, lady.
Um, so she gets the ultrasoundresults.
(28:48):
I go into the room with mydoctor.
And my doctor was a very funnyItalian man named Dr.
Bianco.
And I'm sitting there, andinstead of saying anything to
me, he rolls up to me becauseI've done my blood test and they
they rapid processed my my bloodtests.
(29:09):
And he rolls up to me and hestarts pulling down my eyelids.
He picks up my lip to look at mygums.
He's pressing my hands.
I'm like, dude, what are youdoing?
Back up.
I'm starting to feel a littlebit like a horse at a show.
And he just kept muttering theword remarkable.
(29:30):
And then he looked at me and hesaid, Carrie, how many times
have you been to the ER lately?
And I said, What?
I said, none.
I haven't been to the ER at all.
And he said, I don't understand.
I don't understand how youhaven't been to the ER.
He said, You are, you'reliterally a walking miracle.
And I'm at this point, I'mfreaking out.
(29:51):
I'm like, I need you to tell mewhat's going on.
So what was happening was theygot my blood test back and they
measure.
iron and if a nurse is listeningto this please forgive my
ignorance this is just how Iremember it but as far as I
remember the top number that youcan have like how they measure
blood um measure iron in yourblood is 12 like it 12 is really
(30:15):
really good most women becausewe have periods sit at nine
because of the blood loss peoplewho are considered uh severely
anemic usually sit around aseven from what my doctor said
to me at the time you're usuallyadmitted to the ICU when you
have a six and I was at four soI was literally walking around
(30:41):
with no iron in my blood I wasincredibly anemic and the reason
why he was pulling down myeyelids and looking at is
because I there was no blood.
I had my everything was yellowand I hadn't realized it I
hadn't I it had happened sogradually that I hadn't realized
how sickly I looked and so hesaid we are going to have to do
(31:06):
a hysterectomy well I hadoptions because the reason why
the ultrasound technician hadbeen so surprised is because I
had a three inch fibroid in myuterus.
And so he said we're going tohave to take it out because it's
literally killing you.
And he said but we can't operateon you right now because how of
(31:29):
how anemic you are you willbleed out on the table.
So thus began the process oftrying to get me to a place
where I could have surgerybecause he offered to do
radiation to shrink the fibroidand then they could go in and
remove it um said or we don'tshrink the fibroid we just go in
(31:49):
and remove it and leave youruterus or we do a full
hysterectomy and I said fullhysterectomy please well this
was the end of July we hadscheduled it for October and my
body did not cooperate I startedhemorrhaging I had two blood
transfusions I had um two ERvisits and eventually ended up
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having an emergency hysterectomyto take out my uterus I kept my
ovaries and um the reason why ithappened is because they called
it a rapid growth fibroid so itwas three inches when they found
it and by the time they took itout it had grown to five and a
half in in two weeks and part ofthe reason why they think that
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happened is because of theprescription iron that I went on
to up my blood count.
So I had finally hit that pointwhere I was going to have the
hysterectomy and and in betweenthe time where we were talking
about me having it and thenactually setting the date there
was that processing time and Iremember the point that I was at
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in my own grief was again justgrieving that my body didn't
work correctly I was reallythankful that I was going to
have the hysterectomy thatfinally this was going to be out
of my body but just grievinggrieving the way that my just
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that my body hadn't hadn'tworked for 18 years.
And I remember talking about itwith my mom and it was so
interesting because you know mymy family was walking through
its own grief um it wasn't justit wasn't just me grieving this
you know and you know as I wastalking to my mom about this
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episode she said I know it's notthe same she said I didn't
actually have to go through it.
She said but as your mom and andmy dad both of them having to
watch me suffer it wasincredibly difficult.
And I will never forget my momand I were driving to Manitou
Springs because we were going togo play in the Penny Arcade
because I was I had a bloodtransfusion so I was actually
feeling amazing.
(34:03):
And she just looked at me andshe was crying and she just said
I just can't believe that therearen't going to be any little
carries running around.
And I just thought that was thesweetest thing to say you know I
mean I had grieved for a lot ofyears not being a mom and was
like I said was just at thepoint where I was grieving that
my body didn't work but to hearmy mom say that just meant a
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lot.
And my dad I think just was sohe was so heartbroken and did
just so tired of seeing mesuffer that he was just like
whatever we need to do to getthis out so that you're okay.
That's all I want.
And you know and and I didn'tmake the decision to have a
hysterectomy lightly I mean mybody literally forced me into it
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but it was still a decision Ihad to make and and I just want
to encourage you know I wasasking for godly counsel you
know seeking out my parentsseeking out my church family and
dear friends and you can get allthe godly counsel in the world
you know you can seek wisdomeverywhere and when it but when
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it comes down to it the decisionthat that you have to make is
this the decision you have tomake.
And it's the decision that'smade between you and the Lord.
And one of my favorite quotes inthe whole world is from Corey
Tenboom that says never beafraid to trust an unknown
future to a known God and I havehad to live that out as a single
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woman not knowing if the Lordwas going to have me get married
or not I was I was essentiallytaking quote unquote the choice
away from a future spouse ofchildren.
Those were things I had to thinkabout.
And yet because of where my bodywas at I had to have my
hysterectomy and so I and so Idid it and you know the journey
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of coming out of that wasincredibly difficult as well
because though I kept my ovariesmy ovaries were so traumatized
by the whole thing that theyfell asleep.
They call it falling asleep andI went into menopause for four
years.
And that just brought adifferent it just brought a
different journey and dealingwith hot flashes and night
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sweats and other kinds of moodswings and all sorts of things
was so was so hard and justcrying out to the Lord asking
him to help me again withdealing with this new part of my
body dealing with a nowmenopause brain and fog and
trying to recover from a majorsurgery and and eventually when
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my ovaries woke up theypresented just a whole new set
of issues and so in 2017 I hadtwo separate surgeries to remove
my ovaries and went fully intomenopause.
And out of everything I willtell you that was the most
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difficult thing that I had gonethrough because at that point I
really grieved my last surgerybecause everything was gone
everything was gone and I wasn'tlooking at the Lord saying gosh
you've taken everything from mebut it was just grieving it was
(37:29):
grieving that that everythingwas gone and yet I understood in
that moment that even though Ihad to have every part of you
know my uterus and my ovariestaken that I was still a woman
made in the image of God andthat the Lord didn't consider me
less than he didn't look at mein shame because I had to walk
(37:54):
through these things.
Instead he was right there withme step by step and he brought
to mind those verses out of Luke23 blessed are the barren and
friends I want to tell you Imean it's it's been an
incredibly difficult journeythis has not been easy and yet
Jesus has so faithfully shown upevery step of the way every step
(38:18):
of the way he has so revealedhimself to me in the darkness
he's called me blessed.
He's called me by name he'sgiven me the body that will give
him the most glory that I ammost able to preach his gospel
and the beauty of his salvationand his goodness and his
kindness and his love hisdealing by his rod and his staff
(38:43):
he that's what he has done.
And that's not to sugarcoatthings and say now just pull
yourself up by your bootstrapsand everything will be fine.
I know there are many women andmany men the struggle of
infertility and reproductiveissues are crushing.
They are crushing and there isso much grief and heartbreak
(39:03):
that comes with them.
But I am here to tell you I mylife I know my life is a is a
beacon of the hope that Jesusgives us when things don't work
out the way we think they'regoing to when when our bodies
don't work the way that we thinkthat they should and yet to come
(39:26):
to trust Jesus that in everystroke and in every struggle in
every doctor's visit in everycry to him in the middle of the
night in the the multitudes oftears that we shed that he puts
in his bottle in thegraciousness of his love and his
mercy and his kindness that heequips us he equips us not only
(39:53):
to share our story and be ableto minister to other people but
he deepens our intimacy with himand we are knit to him in such a
deep deep way through pain andsuffering.
Let us never forget that weserve a savior we serve a Lord
(40:13):
who is a man of sorrowsacquainted with grief.
He knew he learned obedience bythe things that he suffered and
so friends he is not absent heis not absent in our pain even
when it feels like he is silenthe is with us because he has
promised to never leave us orforsake us and I just want to
(40:34):
encourage you to cry out to himbecause he hears you to be a to
be able to cast literally castevery care on him because he
does care for you to share everyanxiety every disappointment
every frustration every bit ofanger and lack of understanding
(40:55):
go to him with it go to him withit seek him and seek him he will
come to you he will hold you hewill minister his life and his
comfort to you it's not easyfriends it is not easy and yet I
would not change a bit of mystory as Paul says I count
(41:21):
everything as loss I counteverything as loss including my
ability to have children tobuild a family in that way I
count it as loss for theunsurpassing worth of knowing
Jesus Christ my Lord knowingthat he will use this for his
glory.
And so I want to encourage youtoday I want to leave you with
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these words from Lamentations320 through 26 and I pray Lord
Jesus that you stick this sodeeply in our souls that
whatever we are walking throughin the difficulty of this life
that you would make this areality for us Lord Jesus so
Jeremiah writes Remember mymisery and my homelessness the
(42:07):
wormwood and bitterness my soulcertainly remembers and is bent
over within me I recall this tomy mind therefore I wait the
Lord's acts of mercy indeed donot end for his compassions do
not fail.
They are new every morning greatis your faithfulness the Lord is
(42:31):
my portion says my soultherefore I wait for him.
The Lord is good to those whowait for him to the person who
seeks him it is good that hewaits silently for the salvation
of the Lord.
Friends I pray that no matterwhere you are today whether it
is in the dark night of the soulin the valley of the shadow of
(42:55):
death or it is in fields ofclover and the mountaintop and
joy and beauty abound or thatthese things are mingling
together that you would rememberand know the deep and great
faithfulness of your Lord andyour God that your soul with
Jeremiah would confidentlyproclaim the Lord is my portion
(43:22):
because the Lord has been myportion the Lord is my portion
says my soul therefore I willwait for him I will wait for the
salvation of the Lord.
Friends I pray that the HolySpirit sticks this so deep in
your soul and blesses you as youwrestle and you walk through
(43:47):
whatever he is requiring of youso that you can confidently
proclaim his beauty his gospelhis worth in your story because
you are also fearfully andwonderfully made and your soul
knows it right well because theLord is your portion amen
Hey friends, before we get started today, I wanted
to let you know that thisepisode deals with some
sensitive subject matter likereproductive issues and
infertility.
But my prayer is that in thisepisode, the Lord will minister
his gracious hope, his unfailinglove, and his deep, deep comfort
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when we are walking throughincredibly difficult and
heartbreaking things.
Thanks for listening.
(00:50):
I hope wherever this episodefinds you, that you are hanging
in there and that you are doingall right.
This is a little bit of adifferent episode today because
I am going to share some of mystory with you today.
And in all honesty, I feel alittle bit nervous about it,
which is funny for me because mystory is a story that I have not
(01:12):
been shy to share.
I have dealt with severereproductive issues for most of
my life.
And in the Lord's kindness andin his graciousness, as I have
shared my story with friends andfamily, the Lord has brought
many, many women into my lifewho have walked the same journey
(01:35):
or are in the midst of a pieceof the journey where I have
been.
And we've been able to share andwalk alongside each other as we
as we work through these reallydevastating and difficult issues
when it comes to ourreproductive systems.
And so today I want to sharepart of it because as I have
(01:57):
talked about loving Jesus andhow he loves us and how do we
fill the first commandment,fulfill the first commandment, I
know that I've alluded to thingsin my past and alluded to things
in my story.
And I really felt like it wasimportant to take a pause from
sharing things that the Lord iscurrently revealing to me in his
word and things that he's put onmy heart to share with you and
(02:19):
encourage you and walk youthrough some of the things that
the Lord has brought me out ofin the past.
So today we are gonna hop in atime machine a little bit, and I
want to share with you how theLord has used the incredible
difficulty of reproductiveissues and ultimately
(02:41):
infertility, insofar as I'msingle.
I have never been married.
I've walked with the Lord almostmy entire life.
I've been committed to Him myentire life.
And um I've had to make somereally difficult decisions on
this journey as a single woman.
So my prayer today is that youwill be encouraged as the Lord
(03:03):
has encouraged me, that he willminister to you as the Lord has
ministered to me, as I've walkedthrough darkness and despair and
sadness, as I've walked throughtimes of deep lack of
understanding, crying out tohim, and how he has shown up
every time, every time, in thetimes I've had to wait for him,
(03:26):
in the times I've had to make,like I said, difficult
decisions, and in the timeswhere there was so much blessing
from him in his leading and inhis goodness and his kindness
and his compassion.
So to kick things off, I'm gonnatalk a little bit about the
(03:50):
technical side of things, justto give you a scope of kind of
what I've walked through, andwe'll just go from there.
So from the time I was 12 to thetime I was 17, I really
struggled with chronic pain.
I I hit puberty at 12, andeverything just kind of went off
the rails immediately.
(04:11):
Um my parents noticed just howdifficult my cycles were.
I mean, I was in excruciatingpain and would just have days
where I couldn't get up and waslaying in bed.
And so they started taking me tothe doctor.
And I, and I think to thedoctor's defense a little bit,
you know, because what I wouldhear is, oh honey, this is just
(04:34):
this is just how it goes.
It's difficult for women, it'spainful.
And, you know, they're probablylike writing in their notes,
like, teenage girl, superdramatic, you know, because I I
mean, I don't know if I mean ifyou know me, I I can have a
little bit of a penchant fordrama.
But um I I was, I was strugglingwith chronic pain, taking tons
(04:55):
of ibuprofen, just would havehave days and days where I
couldn't move because it hurt sobad.
But I was also trying to stayactive.
I was really active in severalyouth groups in Virginia and did
my homeschool skate every everyWednesday, which was like the
highlight of my life.
I had so many great friendsthere and, you know, loved
(05:16):
roller skating to Christiansongs.
I mean, fun fact the first timeI ever held hands with a boy was
in a roller skating rink, youknow, floating around to Love
Song for a Savior by Jars ofClay.
It's it's just delightful.
I mean, it's just so cute.
Like, anyway, so I was stillreally active and that kind of
(05:38):
thing, but chronic pain was wasreally starting to overtake my
life.
And it was getting worse andworse and worse to where when we
moved here to Colorado, uh, thesummer I turned 17, I got
violently ill and was in so muchpain.
And when my parents took me tothe ER, the doctors did an
ultrasound and saw that I had acyst that had burst.
(06:00):
And through that, I was put intoum a gynecological practice that
specialized in diagnosing, youknow, I guess strange
reproductive issues.
But apparently they had nevermet anybody as strange as me.
So I had my first laparoscopicsurgery when I was 17, and they
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discovered that I had a reallysevere case of endometriosis.
Now, endometriosis is somethingthat is talked about a lot now,
but at the time, this was in thelate 90s, it really wasn't
talked about a ton, and therewas not a lot known about it.
And so my treatment plan becamebirth control, shoving a lot of
(06:41):
birth control at me just to tryand help regulate my system.
Well, it wasn't working.
And four years later, I washaving another laparoscopic
surgery because the pain had notonly grown in intensity, but now
I was experiencing incrediblyheavy bleeding to the point
where, again, I was I was havingto lay in bed for days at a
(07:04):
time, couldn't move, and myquality of life was just
dwindling.
And it was also really taking atoll on me mentally.
Just the just my life was beingeaten up by my uterus,
essentially.
It was, it was so disheartening.
And and walking through it, justcrying out to the Lord, asking
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him to help me, asking him tohelp me understand what I should
do, Lord, because my doctorswere really concerned, but they
but they continued to saythings, well, we've never seen
things like this before, orlet's try this, or well, we've
done this and this should haveworked, so you're fine.
But my symptoms would continueto worsen, then I'd have
(07:47):
surgery, and then they'd comeback and say, Yeah, you were you
were right.
We saw this, this, this, andthis in in in the surgery.
So eventually, in addition tothe endometriosis, I was
diagnosed with polycysticovarian syndrome, now known as
PCOS.
And eventually, then I was umdiagnosed with lesions in my
(08:11):
uterine wall.
And eventually after that, I wasdiagnosed with uterine fibroids.
And as I lived my life and as Iaged, um, like I said, it
chronic pain is debilitating andit it wears on you, and the Lord
knows that it does.
(08:31):
And in a in a world where somany things are so prized, like
how you look and you know, howyou build a life and how you
curate life, right?
We live in such a curatedsociety now.
It was it was such a struggleto, and I had to wrestle with
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the Lord in how my life looked.
Because most of my life wasbeing spent in my room or on the
couch.
And that's not to say that Iwasn't able to go out and do
things at different times.
I was.
There were there were pocketswhere I felt really good and was
able to travel.
I traveled for work, able to goand do fun things, but but this
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giant issue of endometriosis andpolycystic ovarian syndrome just
sat over me like a cloud.
It it really controlled myentire life because I never knew
when my cycle was going to hitand I was going to be completely
debilitated and not able, notable to move or be crippled with
(09:36):
chronic pain.
And it was really difficult.
And then on top of it, thequestion is the questions I had
were, well, what what does thismean for my future?
I'm having all of these issues.
I'm reading that endometriosiscontributes to infertility.
You know, if I get married, willI even be able to have kids?
(10:01):
And just questions I waswrestling with.
You know, I I had dated somebodyat the time, and then we broke
up, and then for a significantamount of time I was single, and
and just wrestling with theseissues before the Lord.
What is what does this mean formy life, Lord Jesus?
And what are you saying?
And and how do I walk throughthis well?
Because along with, you know,all sorts of endometriosis and
(10:24):
just all of the cycle issues, Imean, the hormone swings, the
mood swings, all of it.
I mean, God bless my family.
They they had to put up with alot from me uh for many, many
years uh because of what Ibecause of what I was walking
through.
And so as I was wrestlingthrough these things with the
Lord, I will never forget oneway the Lord spoke so clearly to
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me.
And it was actually after mysecond surgery where I was
officially diagnosed withpolycystic ovarian syndrome.
So they had cleaned out a ton ofendometriosis again, and they
had they call it popping, theypopped um seven cysts off my
ovaries.
(11:10):
I mean, this was just it was ait was a huge surgery.
And I remember I was sitting athome by myself, and I had my
blanket and I had my Bible, andI was just crying out to the
Lord because those surgeries areabdominal surgery surgeries, and
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even though they'relaparoscopic, they're very
painful.
And I was just in a differentkind of pain from surgery rather
than the usual reproductivepain.
And I remember just feeling sodiscouraged, so devastated by
another surgery and the resultsof the surgery, even though my
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doctors kept saying, you know,we think this is it, we think
you'll be fine.
Um, my body just didn't feelright.
I just, I, I, it's it's adifficult thing to live so many
years not feeling right in yourbody.
And I know so many people whohave walked through chronic pain
and and through illness anddisease and cancer and all of
(12:19):
those kinds of things.
And and and we've I've talkedabout it with people, you just
you know your body's notfunctioning correctly, and it is
so uncomfortable.
And it's it's a point ofgrieving because you're asking
the Lord, you've you've given methis body and it's not
functioning correctly, Lord.
How do I operate in this?
And what are you saying to me?
(12:39):
And again, as a young woman,really questioning what Lord,
what do these things mean for myfuture?
And so as I was sitting with theLord and weeping and crying and
asking for His, for His word,for His comfort, for Him to lead
me.
I don't I don't know how todescribe it other than in the
(13:01):
language of sense that I heardwithin the core of my being.
What echoed through me wasblessed are the barren.
And with that came anoverwhelming sense of comfort
and also heartbreak.
(13:22):
I started weeping, A, because Iwas thankful that the Lord had
spoken to me.
I felt a lot like Job in thatmoment where, you know, Job's
been crying out to the Lord for30 chapters and asking him where
he is, and then finally the Lordshows up, right?
And we say finely, but it's it'sfinely from our finite
(13:45):
perspective, but it was right ontime always from the Lord's
eternal perspective and hisperfect perspective.
And so I'm I'm weeping and and Ijust let that sit in me.
I let it sit in me.
Blessed are the barren, becauseI knew what the Lord was telling
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me is that I wouldn't have myown children.
That I would, this body that hehad given me was not one that
was going to bear children.
And so I, you know, you grievethrough that with the Lord, and
yet also, again, so thankfulthat he has spoken.
At least, at least now I know,and that's what I can operate
(14:27):
out of.
Well, about six months later, Iwas reading the Bible, and I was
reading the crucifixion ofJesus, and I started reading
Luke 23.
And as I read, I came to whereJesus, having been beaten to
within an inch of his life,right?
39 stripes, and a crown ofthorns smashed on his head, and
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already the horrific, horrificsuffering and war and Gethsemane
unto blood that he's nowcarrying his cross through
Jerusalem.
And as he's carrying his cross,he sees a group of women who are
standing there weeping andweeping and weeping.
And it's this is such anamazing, amazing moment because
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in the midst of horrific,horrific, we don't even
understand, nor can wecomprehend the amount of
suffering and pain that Jesuswas in.
He stops and he looks at thewomen and he says, Daughters of
Jerusalem, do not weep for me,but weep for yourselves and for
your children.
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For indeed the days are comingin which they will say, Blessed
are the barren, wombs that neverbore, and breasts which never
nursed.
Now I know that this is tied tothe prophecy that Jesus gave
about Jerusalem being destroyedin 70 AD.
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But for me to read that and toliterally see the words come out
of the mouth of Jesus Christthat says, Blessed are the
barren.
Again, that sense of gratitudeand thankfulness to the Lord.
Because I have, I'm I'm apastor's kid.
(16:17):
I've been in church my entirelife.
I've walked with the Lord mostof my life.
And I've read the Old Testament.
I know that barrenness was oftena curse from the Lord in a lot
of ways.
But I've also seen the way thatthe Lord takes women who are
(16:38):
barren and he uses them for hisglory.
I can see that now.
But at the time when I'm tryingto work through these things
with the Lord, these feelings ofloss and and of grief, grieving
the way my body doesn't workversus the way it should work.
You know, I would read thosestories about Sarah, you know,
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it took 25 years for her to geta child, but she was barren.
Hannah, we don't know how longshe was barren, but we know she
was desolate, desolate, cryingand weeping on the steps of the
temple.
And so I really had to wrestlethrough understanding that my
(17:20):
barrenness wasn't a curse.
And even though these words arefrom Jesus to a group of women,
as he's prophesying about what'sgoing to come on Jerusalem, to
read, Blessed are the barren,was a balm to my soul, was a
balm to my soul.
And so as I continued to walkthrough this journey, uh things
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got worse.
In between my second and thirdsurgery, they they tried a drug
on me called Lupron, which isessentially like a hard, they
call it a hard reset for yourbody, which makes me think of a
computer, right?
You've installed an update, it'sglitching, it's it's acting
weird, you take it into GeekSquad, and they say, Well, let's
just do a factory reset, right?
(18:06):
And then see if we can installthese programs.
I mean, that's essentially whatthis drug was supposed to do.
So six shots, one shot a monthfor six months, and you know,
ta-da, you're supposed to be asgood as new.
Well, you remember how I kepttelling you that my doctors were
saying, Oh, we've just neverquite seen this before.
And this is usually people don'trespond this way.
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Well, guess what?
The lupron didn't work.
In fact, instead of putting mein menopause for six months, it
put me in menopause for a year.
And then when I came out of it,everything was worse.
Everything was worse.
And I had to have anothersurgery for polycystic ovarian
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syndrome for the endometriosis,and that's when they started
noticing the lesions outside myuterine wall.
And it was at this time I was25.
So I had a surgery at 17, asurgery at 21, and a surgery at
25.
And it was at this time that Isincerely started asking my
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doctors to consider giving me ahysterectomy.
Because as things got worse, thechronic pain got worse, and the
bleeding got worse.
So I'm barreling towardseverything just getting so much
worse.
And struggling again with myquality of life, with chronic
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pain.
And there were pockets, therewere pockets where I would I
would be fine for a few months.
But again, just that lingeringdread in the back of my mind as
like, when is this just gonnaget horrible again?
Because eventually it did.
It always would.
And so, and and a lot of nodoctor would give me a
hysterectomy.
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And I and I understand why.
I was young, I wasn't married.
I, you know, again, I committedmy life to the Lord.
I wasn't having sex outside ofmarriage.
And so they didn't know.
They didn't know if I would beable to have kids or not.
But I already knew.
I knew I had that word from theLord.
And so it was walking in,knowing what the Lord had said
(20:18):
to me, but also walking inwisdom.
I would I was a young woman, um,you know, again, 25 years old at
the time when I first startedasking.
And I understand the doctor'shesitance and and reticence to
do it, absolutely.
But things continued to todisintegrate.
(20:39):
And and as they did, I startedrealizing that I needed to walk
in confidence in the Lord andwhat he had shown me.
But what he had shown me interms of me not being able to
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bear my own children also hadconsequence, right?
I had to wrestle then with thefact that the future that I had
thought that I was going tohave, it was highly unlikely
that it was a going, it wasgoing to be reality.
You you just, I think most of usjust grow up naturally thinking
(21:24):
you're gonna get married, you'regonna have kids, right?
Because family is a gift fromGod, marriage is a gift from
God, motherhood is a gift fromGod.
And I had to wrestle with thefact that the Lord was good, He
loved me, and He called me andHe made me, but there were
certain things that were notgoing to be a part of my story.
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And and I'll be honest with you,it was difficult.
It was a real wrestle becausethere is a there is a an honor
bestowed on motherhood that isabsolutely deserved.
Motherhood is a holy calling.
(22:11):
I have so many friends who areincredible mothers.
The way that they love theirchildren and disciple their
children in the gospel of JesusChrist is a gift, is a gift.
And I can see the joy that theyhave in fulfilling that calling
(22:34):
that the Lord has put on theirlife, and it is beautiful.
And I have been blessed by it.
I mean, I have been blessed bymy own mother, who I think is
the best mom in the whole entireworld.
I've been incredibly blessed bythe mother that Jesus gave me in
my mom, Jackie.
I mean, she's my dearest andmost best friend in the world,
(22:54):
and she has weathered everysingle storm with me as and been
an incredible mother.
But I had to wrestle with thefact that I was hearing a lot in
churches and and from otherChristian places that motherhood
is not only a holy calling, butit's the highest calling for a
(23:18):
woman.
And I respectfully say I don'tagree with that.
I don't agree with that.
Like I said, I think motherhoodis a holy calling.
It is a holy calling, but it isnot the highest calling.
The highest calling for all ofus is to be a disciple of Jesus
Christ and to love him and toand to know the Father, to love
(23:39):
the Father, to know the HolySpirit, and to walk, to walk
with them, to love their word,to preach the gospel.
And it's out of all of that,then that every other calling
comes.
And so please hear my heart withthat.
I am not, I am not saying thatit's wrong to be a mother,
(23:59):
obviously not.
It's it's literally the way thatour bodies were designed is to
bear children.
And yet the Lord put me in aplace where I had to wrestle
with the fact that the body thathe gave me was not going to walk
in that in that way.
And where the Lord really led mewas in Psalm 139.
(24:22):
You know, we we quote thatscripture a lot, but that
scripture, that scripture comesto roost in reality when your
body doesn't work the way thatit should.
Can we still stand and say, I amfearfully wonder and wonderfully
made?
That I was knit together in mymother's womb.
(24:44):
Lord, that you formed my inwardparts.
And to trust that when my inwardparts don't work like they
should, that Lord, you are goingto use this for your glory.
And that's what I've had to cometo.
Jesus has not called me to be amother of children from my own
from my own womb.
(25:04):
And I don't know what he's goingto do with my future.
But I can confidently stand andsay that I am fearfully and
wonderfully made, and that thisbody that Jesus has given me is
the body he gave me to give himthe most glory.
And I will stand and bless hisname for it.
And I have had to really fightto practically work that out.
(25:28):
Because when I hit 30,everything fell apart.
So for the nine months before Iturned 30, I had started started
losing weight, which I wasreally excited about because
with endometriosis andpolycystic ovarian syndrome,
weight gain is a huge part ofthat.
(25:48):
And I had always reallystruggled with my weight and
fluctuated all over the place.
So I started losing weight,started getting skinny, was
really excited about, reallyexcited about that.
But then I started noticing,even though I was losing weight,
like I was having a difficulttime walking upstairs still.
(26:09):
I was out of breath and I was sotired.
And my hair was starting tochange.
And all of a sudden, once again,like it did, my cycle just
started going berserk.
And so I was just asking theLord for wisdom and also
(26:32):
Googling and going on WebMD,which is literally the worst
thing ever.
So I had actually called my momcrying because I, you know, had
done too much Googling, too muchWeb MDing, and convinced myself
that I had ovarian cancer, whichI did have many of the symptoms,
(26:52):
and I was just convinced.
And she was just like, hey,don't ever scare me like that
again.
You're the worst.
But I I agree that something,something is going on.
Go back to the doctor.
Let's see what's going on.
So I went to the doctor and Iwas sharing with her.
I was I saw the PA and wassharing with her what was going
(27:17):
on and just how horrible thingshad gotten again, the chronic
pain, the excessive bleeding,and said, I would just really
like to talk to a doctor to seeif somebody would consider
giving me a hysterectomy.
I said, I just, I'm done.
I'm tired.
And she said, absolutely.
And that was literally the firsttime any doctor had actually
said to me, yes, we can considerit.
(27:38):
This was four days after my 30thbirthday.
She said, but first let's dosome blood work and let's let's
do an ultrasound and let's justkind of see where you're at.
I said, Oh, okay, that soundsgood.
And she said, Well, we can getyou into an ultrasound uh
tomorrow.
And I was just like, Oh, okay,here we go again.
She's concerned, we've gotthings going on.
(28:03):
So we did the ultrasound, andultrasound technicians are not
supposed to do anything exceptfor do the ultrasound.
They're not supposed to give youany hint about what they saw.
Like they can't really read.
I don't know how much they canread on an ultrasound.
I know that they know whatthey're looking for, but they're
not supposed to give you anyhint as to what's going on.
(28:25):
Well, I'm having my ultrasound,and all of a sudden my
ultrasound technician goes, Ohmy gosh.
I mean, isn't that a great thingto hear?
Great thing to hear when you're,you know, waiting to see what's
going on.
And I was like, What?
She said, Oh no, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I shouldn't have done that.
Like, well, yeah, thanks, lady.
Um, so she gets the ultrasoundresults.
(28:48):
I go into the room with mydoctor.
And my doctor was a very funnyItalian man named Dr.
Bianco.
And I'm sitting there, andinstead of saying anything to
me, he rolls up to me becauseI've done my blood test and they
they rapid processed my my bloodtests.
(29:09):
And he rolls up to me and hestarts pulling down my eyelids.
He picks up my lip to look at mygums.
He's pressing my hands.
I'm like, dude, what are youdoing?
Back up.
I'm starting to feel a littlebit like a horse at a show.
And he just kept muttering theword remarkable.
(29:30):
And then he looked at me and hesaid, Carrie, how many times
have you been to the ER lately?
And I said, What?
I said, none.
I haven't been to the ER at all.
And he said, I don't understand.
I don't understand how youhaven't been to the ER.
He said, You are, you'reliterally a walking miracle.
And I'm at this point, I'mfreaking out.
(29:51):
I'm like, I need you to tell mewhat's going on.
So what was happening was theygot my blood test back and they
measure.
iron and if a nurse is listeningto this please forgive my
ignorance this is just how Iremember it but as far as I
remember the top number that youcan have like how they measure
blood um measure iron in yourblood is 12 like it 12 is really
(30:15):
really good most women becausewe have periods sit at nine
because of the blood loss peoplewho are considered uh severely
anemic usually sit around aseven from what my doctor said
to me at the time you're usuallyadmitted to the ICU when you
have a six and I was at four soI was literally walking around
(30:41):
with no iron in my blood I wasincredibly anemic and the reason
why he was pulling down myeyelids and looking at is
because I there was no blood.
I had my everything was yellowand I hadn't realized it I
hadn't I it had happened sogradually that I hadn't realized
how sickly I looked and so hesaid we are going to have to do
(31:06):
a hysterectomy well I hadoptions because the reason why
the ultrasound technician hadbeen so surprised is because I
had a three inch fibroid in myuterus.
And so he said we're going tohave to take it out because it's
literally killing you.
And he said but we can't operateon you right now because how of
(31:29):
how anemic you are you willbleed out on the table.
So thus began the process oftrying to get me to a place
where I could have surgerybecause he offered to do
radiation to shrink the fibroidand then they could go in and
remove it um said or we don'tshrink the fibroid we just go in
(31:49):
and remove it and leave youruterus or we do a full
hysterectomy and I said fullhysterectomy please well this
was the end of July we hadscheduled it for October and my
body did not cooperate I startedhemorrhaging I had two blood
transfusions I had um two ERvisits and eventually ended up
(32:10):
having an emergency hysterectomyto take out my uterus I kept my
ovaries and um the reason why ithappened is because they called
it a rapid growth fibroid so itwas three inches when they found
it and by the time they took itout it had grown to five and a
half in in two weeks and part ofthe reason why they think that
(32:31):
happened is because of theprescription iron that I went on
to up my blood count.
So I had finally hit that pointwhere I was going to have the
hysterectomy and and in betweenthe time where we were talking
about me having it and thenactually setting the date there
was that processing time and Iremember the point that I was at
(32:58):
in my own grief was again justgrieving that my body didn't
work correctly I was reallythankful that I was going to
have the hysterectomy thatfinally this was going to be out
of my body but just grievinggrieving the way that my just
(33:19):
that my body hadn't hadn'tworked for 18 years.
And I remember talking about itwith my mom and it was so
interesting because you know mymy family was walking through
its own grief um it wasn't justit wasn't just me grieving this
you know and you know as I wastalking to my mom about this
(33:42):
episode she said I know it's notthe same she said I didn't
actually have to go through it.
She said but as your mom and andmy dad both of them having to
watch me suffer it wasincredibly difficult.
And I will never forget my momand I were driving to Manitou
Springs because we were going togo play in the Penny Arcade
because I was I had a bloodtransfusion so I was actually
feeling amazing.
(34:03):
And she just looked at me andshe was crying and she just said
I just can't believe that therearen't going to be any little
carries running around.
And I just thought that was thesweetest thing to say you know I
mean I had grieved for a lot ofyears not being a mom and was
like I said was just at thepoint where I was grieving that
my body didn't work but to hearmy mom say that just meant a
(34:24):
lot.
And my dad I think just was sohe was so heartbroken and did
just so tired of seeing mesuffer that he was just like
whatever we need to do to getthis out so that you're okay.
That's all I want.
And you know and and I didn'tmake the decision to have a
hysterectomy lightly I mean mybody literally forced me into it
(34:45):
but it was still a decision Ihad to make and and I just want
to encourage you know I wasasking for godly counsel you
know seeking out my parentsseeking out my church family and
dear friends and you can get allthe godly counsel in the world
you know you can seek wisdomeverywhere and when it but when
(35:10):
it comes down to it the decisionthat that you have to make is
this the decision you have tomake.
And it's the decision that'smade between you and the Lord.
And one of my favorite quotes inthe whole world is from Corey
Tenboom that says never beafraid to trust an unknown
future to a known God and I havehad to live that out as a single
(35:31):
woman not knowing if the Lordwas going to have me get married
or not I was I was essentiallytaking quote unquote the choice
away from a future spouse ofchildren.
Those were things I had to thinkabout.
And yet because of where my bodywas at I had to have my
hysterectomy and so I and so Idid it and you know the journey
(35:57):
of coming out of that wasincredibly difficult as well
because though I kept my ovariesmy ovaries were so traumatized
by the whole thing that theyfell asleep.
They call it falling asleep andI went into menopause for four
years.
And that just brought adifferent it just brought a
different journey and dealingwith hot flashes and night
(36:21):
sweats and other kinds of moodswings and all sorts of things
was so was so hard and justcrying out to the Lord asking
him to help me again withdealing with this new part of my
body dealing with a nowmenopause brain and fog and
trying to recover from a majorsurgery and and eventually when
(36:45):
my ovaries woke up theypresented just a whole new set
of issues and so in 2017 I hadtwo separate surgeries to remove
my ovaries and went fully intomenopause.
And out of everything I willtell you that was the most
(37:08):
difficult thing that I had gonethrough because at that point I
really grieved my last surgerybecause everything was gone
everything was gone and I wasn'tlooking at the Lord saying gosh
you've taken everything from mebut it was just grieving it was
(37:29):
grieving that that everythingwas gone and yet I understood in
that moment that even though Ihad to have every part of you
know my uterus and my ovariestaken that I was still a woman
made in the image of God andthat the Lord didn't consider me
less than he didn't look at mein shame because I had to walk
(37:54):
through these things.
Instead he was right there withme step by step and he brought
to mind those verses out of Luke23 blessed are the barren and
friends I want to tell you Imean it's it's been an
incredibly difficult journeythis has not been easy and yet
Jesus has so faithfully shown upevery step of the way every step
(38:18):
of the way he has so revealedhimself to me in the darkness
he's called me blessed.
He's called me by name he'sgiven me the body that will give
him the most glory that I ammost able to preach his gospel
and the beauty of his salvationand his goodness and his
kindness and his love hisdealing by his rod and his staff
(38:43):
he that's what he has done.
And that's not to sugarcoatthings and say now just pull
yourself up by your bootstrapsand everything will be fine.
I know there are many women andmany men the struggle of
infertility and reproductiveissues are crushing.
They are crushing and there isso much grief and heartbreak
(39:03):
that comes with them.
But I am here to tell you I mylife I know my life is a is a
beacon of the hope that Jesusgives us when things don't work
out the way we think they'regoing to when when our bodies
don't work the way that we thinkthat they should and yet to come
(39:26):
to trust Jesus that in everystroke and in every struggle in
every doctor's visit in everycry to him in the middle of the
night in the the multitudes oftears that we shed that he puts
in his bottle in thegraciousness of his love and his
mercy and his kindness that heequips us he equips us not only
(39:53):
to share our story and be ableto minister to other people but
he deepens our intimacy with himand we are knit to him in such a
deep deep way through pain andsuffering.
Let us never forget that weserve a savior we serve a Lord
(40:13):
who is a man of sorrowsacquainted with grief.
He knew he learned obedience bythe things that he suffered and
so friends he is not absent heis not absent in our pain even
when it feels like he is silenthe is with us because he has
promised to never leave us orforsake us and I just want to
(40:34):
encourage you to cry out to himbecause he hears you to be a to
be able to cast literally castevery care on him because he
does care for you to share everyanxiety every disappointment
every frustration every bit ofanger and lack of understanding
(40:55):
go to him with it go to him withit seek him and seek him he will
come to you he will hold you hewill minister his life and his
comfort to you it's not easyfriends it is not easy and yet I
would not change a bit of mystory as Paul says I count
(41:21):
everything as loss I counteverything as loss including my
ability to have children tobuild a family in that way I
count it as loss for theunsurpassing worth of knowing
Jesus Christ my Lord knowingthat he will use this for his
glory.
And so I want to encourage youtoday I want to leave you with
(41:42):
these words from Lamentations320 through 26 and I pray Lord
Jesus that you stick this sodeeply in our souls that
whatever we are walking throughin the difficulty of this life
that you would make this areality for us Lord Jesus so
Jeremiah writes Remember mymisery and my homelessness the
(42:07):
wormwood and bitterness my soulcertainly remembers and is bent
over within me I recall this tomy mind therefore I wait the
Lord's acts of mercy indeed donot end for his compassions do
not fail.
They are new every morning greatis your faithfulness the Lord is
(42:31):
my portion says my soultherefore I wait for him.
The Lord is good to those whowait for him to the person who
seeks him it is good that hewaits silently for the salvation
of the Lord.
Friends I pray that no matterwhere you are today whether it
is in the dark night of the soulin the valley of the shadow of
(42:55):
death or it is in fields ofclover and the mountaintop and
joy and beauty abound or thatthese things are mingling
together that you would rememberand know the deep and great
faithfulness of your Lord andyour God that your soul with
Jeremiah would confidentlyproclaim the Lord is my portion
(43:22):
because the Lord has been myportion the Lord is my portion
says my soul therefore I willwait for him I will wait for the
salvation of the Lord.
Friends I pray that the HolySpirit sticks this so deep in
your soul and blesses you as youwrestle and you walk through
(43:47):
whatever he is requiring of youso that you can confidently
proclaim his beauty his gospelhis worth in your story because
you are also fearfully andwonderfully made and your soul
knows it right well because theLord is your portion amen
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