July 12, 2024 • 27 mins
Have you ever wondered how early experiences shape one's identity? Join me, Doc J, on HoodChatter, as I recount my journey growing up as a Black, gay, and feminine male. From the time I realized I was different, to the societal pressures and misconceptions I faced, this episode sheds light on the innate nature of my femininity and homosexuality. Through personal stories, I challenge the belief that traumatic experiences lead to such identities and highlight the contrasting societal attitudes towards gay men and women. This heartfelt discussion aims to foster understanding and acceptance, encouraging listeners to reflect on their perceptions and language.
Navigating life as a gay person within the Black church and community brought its own set of challenges. I share my painful experiences with bullying, insincere friendships, and the initial sanctuary the church provided, which later revealed its own limitations in acceptance. Hear about the "love me or lose me" turning point with my family and the difference between mere tolerance and genuine acceptance. I also delve into the struggles of the down-low community and the severe repercussions of coming out, especially in urban and church contexts. The episode concludes with a poignant piece written in response to a tragic mass shooting, highlighting the fear and discrimination faced by gay Black men. This candid conversation aims to promote a more inclusive and respectful world for everyone.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 2 (00:00):
Yeah what up?
Ain't nobody got time for that?
Speaker 1 (00:02):
HodgeKids, hodgewife Yo you good yo.
You are such a liar, you areit's?
Live, let's go.
And that's on Pivotal.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
HoodChatter.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
What's up, family?
I'm your host, doc J, andwelcome back to another episode
of HoodChatter.
I missed you guys.
I hope everyone had a happy andhealthy 4th.
I hope your celebrations andyour turn up was responsible and
(00:39):
safe.
Okay, it's hot outside, soremember to stay hydrated and
drink your water, because youcannot be outside in this heat
trying to turn up drinking andyou're not drinking any water.
That is a recipe for disaster.
So be kind to yourself, besmart.
(00:59):
If you know you're going to bedrinking, uber it If you're not
sure if you're going to bedrinking, uber it, because
losing our life or taking thelife of someone else is just not
worth it.
So let's party responsibly,everybody.
So, now that we are post-PrideMonth and post-Pride Parade, I
(01:24):
wanted to take this time tohighlight my story and my
experiences, in hopes that it'llhelp someone else who might be
experiencing similar situations,and to also help some of us
change our way of thinking, ourway of approaching and the words
that we say to other people,just in an effort to make this
(01:48):
world a better place foreverybody, you know.
So with that, let's jump rightin.
However, I would like to offerthis disclaimer this story is
mine, mine and it has nothing todo with anyone else.
So if my testimony will makesomeone feel some type of way,
(02:12):
or if you think at some point Imight be talking about you, take
stock of yourself and youractions and govern yourself
accordingly, because this is oneinstance where I will not take
responsibility for the wayanyone else feels about my truth
.
Okay, like to hear it.
(02:33):
Here we go.
Let's start with the obvious I'mblack, I'm a male, I'm gay and
I'm feminine.
Shit, that's a story in itself,right, but I tell people all
the time I'm like a game ofspades.
I just played the hand.
(02:54):
I was dealt, but keep in mind,since I got to play this hand,
I'm going to try to put thewheels on it, run a bubble or
Boston tens across the board, um, but what you see is what you
get literally like.
Imagine me as a six year old.
I was the same exact person ina smaller body.
(03:14):
It it was no question LikeStevie wonder could see that I
was gay.
Real talk, because I wasnaturally feminine.
It wasn't anything that I wastaught or I picked up on from
somewhere.
It was my demeanor from thetime that I could walk and talk
and it was completely outside ofmy control.
My parents knew it, my familyknew it.
(03:38):
Shit, everybody knew it.
But you know how it is in theblack and brown community.
We know, but we're just notgoing to talk about it.
Right, we have this ignore itaway policy.
But kids, kids are cruel andthey will say what they think
and they repeat what they hear.
(03:58):
And it was somewhere around theyoung age of maybe four or five
, six that I noticed thatsomething was different.
Now imagine that for a moment, achild of that age trying to
process the fact that they knowthat something is different
about themselves than what theysee, but then to not have the
(04:23):
vocabulary or even feel safeenough to express that so
unknowingly.
The trauma started for mereally early because I was
branded gay, branded I heard theword gay for as long as I can
remember and I heard the wordbefore I even knew what it was.
(04:50):
So digest that for a moment, achild, an innocent child, being
branded because of physicalattributes that were completely
outside of their control,attributes that were completely
outside of their control.
And I was called something thatrequired an action.
(05:10):
But I was convicted even priorto the act.
So imagine being discriminatedagainst as a child right Now.
I grew up in an 11, two-parenthome and I have never been raped
, molested, accosted, groped,seduced, coerced or drugged in
(05:33):
any way.
And I have to say that becausemany people believe that
something happens in a person'slife along the way that made
them choose homosexuality orlesbianism.
And for some that might be thecase, but it is worth mentioning
that not everyone in thiscommunity arrived here through
(05:55):
some form of traumaticexperience.
And let me say this the flipside is women get a get out of
jail free pass right, generallybecause men are accepting of
that behavior or their behavior,and oftentimes because dudes
just want to participate.
But a woman can be a lesbianand decide at some point that
(06:19):
she wants a bone, and she canswitch sides easy, no, no
question.
And if she decides that shewants to have a katie perry
moment while she's in college.
100 fine men, however, are soscared of even being seen as the
least bit effeminate they'vedeveloped a language to
(06:42):
safeguard themselves from anyassociation.
Pause, no homo Right, godforbid a man had any
entanglement with the same sexin any part of his life.
He would have to move in orderto live that down, especially in
the black and brown community,that's.
(07:03):
That's not going to work at all.
And there's always been aquestion of whether or not
people are born gay.
And in my personal experiencethe answer is yes and no,
because I do know people, menand women, and let me stop there
for a second.
I know Let me stop there for asecond and say this the word gay
(07:27):
applies to women as well,because we tend to hear the word
gay and automatically assumethat individuals are talking
about men.
Like I just mentioned this tosomeone the other day, when
people hear of the gay prideparade, they automatically
assume that it's the parade forgay men, when in fact there are
(07:47):
just as many women, if not morewomen, in attendance.
But I do know people that havenever had an attraction or
desire to the same sex, but insome way that lifestyle met them
in a time in their life whereit made sense to explore.
And then there are individualslike me who, of no fault of
(08:11):
their own, by no choice of theirown, was given this weight to
carry.
And, like I mentioned before, Icome from a two-parent home from
which both of my parents areold school and my father was a
hood dude.
So my mannerisms and any otherisms weren't things that were
(08:33):
learned or forced upon me.
It was just natural developmentthat was completely outside of
my control, and I had a list ofmale cousins, brothers and some
so-called male friends growingup.
So I played basketball,baseball, football, ran track,
bike, race, fist fightseverything that society would
(08:56):
say a little boy should do.
However, I said I was like four, five, six when I knew that
things were different and it wasvery evident that the things
that my male cousins and friendswanted to do for fun was not
what I wanted to do Like.
I loved being with the girls.
(09:17):
I loved the idea of dressingBarbie and doing her hair and
her dream house.
However, at that age, I wasalso smart enough not to ask for
one, and you see what I mean.
For a gay child, trying tointernalize all of that is
(09:38):
really exhausting and, withoutthe proper support, can really
cause irreparable damage, and Igrew up in the 80s and 90s.
There was no handbook for beinggay.
There was no real pioneers inthe black and one that looked
like me in the county, and foryears of my life, anything that
(10:13):
was associated with being gay inthe entire county somehow found
a way of bringing my name up.
Can you imagine how exhausting.
And again we're talking aboutphysical attributes.
And again we're talking aboutphysical attributes.
(10:53):
I have had the same body typeand worn the same shoe size
since I was in the seventh grade.
I mean, come on, I these growthspurts that everyone talks
about and their voice startingto deepen.
Girl, I miss both of thosetrains.
I would go to the gym to workout and get muscle and abs Shit.
I couldn't gain weight withsupplements and I was soon to
pull a muscle before I gainedany muscle.
Okay, so not only was I brandedas a child and forced to walk
(11:17):
with a word that I didn't have achance to figure out for myself
, despite my best efforts, thethings that I saw other people
consider as manly, I couldn'teven achieve because I was still
short, I still wore a size sixshoe, I'm still slim, and it
(11:39):
became very evident to mequickly that, no matter what I
did, that word gay would followme for the rest of my life.
And when I was younger, I hadto deal with answering and being
asked some stupid questions.
Okay, are you gay?
(11:59):
Why?
What's wrong with you?
Why are you like that?
Most of which is from otherkids, but I was also extremely
mature, so these questions wouldcome from people that were much
older than me, as if I was ableto articulate the answer with
(12:20):
any kind of clarity.
But I learned to deal with thatand maneuver in that space at
that age, in that space, at thatage.
It wasn't until I became ateenager, going into middle
school, that I realized howproblematic this label was going
to be and it was almost likebeing stripped of my name and at
(12:43):
that stage in my life peoplesaw me as gay before they saw
anything else.
People saw me as gay beforethey saw anything else.
I mean, for that matter, a lotof the times.
That still is the case and thatreally began the road to me
understanding fake friends andgossip and trauma and really
(13:05):
becoming a high school dropout.
I'm a doctor now, but a highschool dropout and in an effort
to try to find myself this iswhere the story gets funny In an
effort to try to find myselfand navigate this lifestyle that
was unfolding for me, Iattempted to assert some kind of
dominance around the age of 13,right Now, remember I said that
(13:29):
I was very mature for my ageand I grew up in the 80s and 90s
, where things were verydifferent.
So I had a lot of girlfriends bythis time in my life, most of
which were substantially olderthan me, and I know it sounds
crazy to hear me mention thisstage in my life and then
referring to only being 13.
But believe me when I tell youI was extremely advanced, but I
(13:54):
had to grow up really quickly.
Anyhow, I wanted to go out withthe girls for New Year's Eve.
I picked up on how easy it wasfor girls to get in free and get
stuff for free and go toparties and I was like shit, I
want that.
And people would always say, oh,he's so pretty.
So I said, all right, well,let's do it.
(14:17):
I got a wig and put on somemakeup and a cute little outfit
and some heels and I said I'mgoing out with the girls.
Bear in mind, I told you I livein an urban neighborhood and I
forgot to mention that I grew upin an apartment building.
Now, going through this littleempowerment phase, I never
(14:41):
stopped to think of theconsequences that might have and
I was fixated on havingsomething for me.
Well, bitch, I got exactly that.
Okay, me and the girls got offthe elevator New Year's Eve
night and we going to the club.
(15:01):
Well, when the elevator dooropened on the first floor, when
I tell you, everybody and theirmother was in the lobby,
everybody and their mother wasin the lobby and they turning up
for the new year Baby, I almostdied.
(15:22):
When I tell you, I almostD-I-E-D died.
Now I'm trying to keep my headdown and mosey through without
anyone noticing me.
Wrong, wrong.
I was with these girls all thetime.
I hadn't made it five stepsbefore someone yells Yo, that's
(15:45):
Jay.
Bitch, the ground could haveopened up and just sucked me
right up in it, like literallydisappeared for life.
But but from then on out, jesus,it was always something, and I
spent much of my high schoolyears trying to find myself and
(16:07):
being the youngest of all of myfriends.
Trying to find myself had tohappen really fast, and I was a
party kid.
I had nothing in common with mypeers, so I dropped out of
school in the 10th grade.
Because I was there but Iwasn't really there.
(16:27):
Because I was there but Iwasn't really there.
And outside of the fact that Iliked to party, dropping out of
school really prevented me fromhaving to deal with the daily
bullshit.
You know, I didn't have to dealwith the whispers anymore, or
the silence when you walk intothe room, or the rumors that
would come at a rapid rate orthe lies that got me in just so
many unnecessary situations, andI was like I had to realize
(16:52):
that a lot of people that werearound me were not because they
were genuine, but because theywanted to know what I was doing,
or, better yet, they wanted toknow who I was doing.
And it wasn't until I gotburned by some so-called friends
that I was really able tounderstand the dynamic that came
with this lifestyle and withbeing me, dynamic that came with
(17:15):
this lifestyle and with beingme, you know.
But thankfully, growing up,church was a safe haven for me
and it allowed me to drown outsome of the pressure from
society and it provided a dualbenefit of allowing me to do
something that really made mefeel free, and that's singing.
(17:35):
But you know know, hindsight is20, 20 and, looking back, these
things really probablyjump-started my relationship
with god.
So I'll take that out of that.
Um, but because for quite sometime that was really all I had
and and my parents, they alwaysloved me, but for a time the way
(17:58):
that they grew up didn't reallyallow them to embrace the times
that I was growing up in, andit wasn't really until we
arrived at a love me or lose meplace did things really start to
change, because love was reallythe foundation in my household.
But for a little while, youknow, that whole gay thing
(18:25):
really became problematic.
Unfortunately, many people inthis lifestyle do not have that
opportunity to have family, takethem back in and tell them they
love them, and oftentimesthey're thrown out and their
lives are just absolutely turnedaround and they're, you know,
discarded like garbage.
(18:45):
However, it wasn't until I gotolder and settled into myself
was I able to start to pick upon some of the things and the
people in the church that werenot as loving as they portrayed.
But you know, when I grew up andgot more comfortable in my own
skin and in the confidence thatI was not a mistake and nothing
(19:07):
was wrong with me, I noticed howlittle support I truly received
over the years and from myexperiences with the black
church and I say the blackchurch because I have been to
many churches over the years allover the country, from mega
churches to storefrontestablishments and in the black
(19:29):
church gays have always beentolerated for the most part as
long as the gay ran or sang inthe choir, because as long as
the gays are doing somethingthat can benefit the masses,
then our presence is okay.
In that specific capacityyou're showered with love.
(19:51):
Love when you can get thecongregation to shout or shed a
tear.
But when it really came down toit, I realized I was never
invited to outings, I was neverinvited to houses, I was never
invited to cookouts Hell.
There were many times where Iorganized things myself and
(20:14):
found that no one, or little tono one showed up and it started
to become really clear to me thedistinction between tolerated
and acceptance.
And it was around that precisetime that I realized that I
don't give a damn about thelikes and the love, but you will
respect me.
(20:34):
And that's period.
Shout out to Khalees I don'tcare about the likes or the love
, but you will respect mebecause I'm a kind person who is
always willing to help somebodyelse if I can.
And if you don't like me, thendon't be bothered with me.
But at this stage in my life Iwill no longer relinquish my
(20:58):
power to someone else who wantsme to feel inferior.
I'm done like donecom.
So let me say this Followingthe mass shooting that happened
a couple of years ago back inFlorida, I had wrote this piece
(21:19):
that was very near and dear tomy heart and I want to share
that with you right now, family,because I really believe that
you know it tags onto my story,but it provides a clear
understanding of some of thethings that I just touched on
and it provides a little insightinto the lives of the people in
(21:39):
my community.
So here we go.
In the urban community,especially in the urban
community, people oftentimescriticize and become very angry
at the fact that there is a downlow community, and they often
criticize for not coming out thecloset right, for the lack of a
(22:03):
better term.
However, who would dare toreveal themselves to people when
two words have the potential ofruining your entire life
forever?
All you have to say is I'm gay,and that can potentially ruin
your entire life forever?
Like what person in their rightmind would want to expose their
(22:24):
sexual preferences when theresponses that follow are
oftentimes very negative?
So who would want to be thetopic of constant conversation
or lies and discrimination, orwhispering and physical abuse,
verbal abuse, bullying, loss offamily everyone should be
(22:45):
afforded.
The church oftentimes turnstheir backs on the very
individuals that they embracedthe Sunday before Like.
Imagine the hurt and thestruggle that comes when
(23:08):
someone's family tells them theyno longer want to be a part of
their lives, or when the friendsthat you talked with yesterday
ignore you and talk about youtoday.
It's hard enough, growing up inthe urban community as a black
man and we're in constant fearof blue coats and blue lights,
but to add insult to injury, nowmen and women who take the leap
(23:32):
of courage in living the livesthat they choose now have to
feel whether or not they'll godown in history being the next
victim of a hate crime.
And for a black man who is gayand feminine, oftentimes that
puts me and others like me atthe bottom of the food chain in
(23:52):
the eyes of society and in theblack community and in the black
church, and the fear that isassociated with that is
sometimes crippling and itcauses people to walk around a
constant observation of who'saround you, who's looking at you
, who's beside you, who's youknow really for you and who's
(24:12):
against you, and it createsfeelings of inadequacy and shame
and doubt and anxiety anddepression and it can lead to
drugs and promiscuity andsometimes for people, suicide.
And oftentimes people will evenexpress openly their desire to
harm or even kill gay peoplesimply because they don't agree
(24:36):
with their lifestyle.
And these days you don'tnecessarily have to identify as
being openly gay.
But for someone like myself whois visibly feminine or has
stepped outside the box that wascreated by society, you are
automatically targeted.
Let me say this I didn't wake upone morning and ask to look
(24:59):
like this, I didn't ask to soundlike this or walk like this or
talk like this, but I did decidenot to be ashamed of who I am
and I trust that God didn't makea mistake on me and I trust
that God didn't make a mistakeon me and I'm going to walk with
my head up and not believe whatpeople think or say about me.
(25:21):
I'm going to live life to thefullest and I'm going to keep
God first and know that he willnever put more on me than I can
bear.
So I wrote this message toprovide insight to those looking
from the outside in, and I tellyou this be kind to people,
regardless of how you feel abouttheir choices or their
(25:44):
decisions, and think about whatit would do to you if, suddenly,
everything that you know andyou love no longer wants to know
and love you.
So if you don't like someone,leave them alone.
It's not your place to be judgeand jury, because everybody
(26:05):
wants to be loved and wantscompanionship and everybody
should have that opportunity.
Never turn away from your family.
Always think before you speak,listen before you judge and pray
before you react.
I love you family, I really do,and if you don't take anything
(26:27):
else away from this, be kind topeople and if you can't do that,
just leave them alone, becausewe were not commanded to like.
We were commanded to love God,love ourselves, love your
neighbor and love your enemy.
And remember if you're not acontender, you're a pretender.
Thanks for listening, you guys.
(26:48):
See you next week.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
We'll come on a talk to you.
Need someone to listen, lookingfor clarity and strategy.
Reach out to the TurnaroundProject.
Our life coaches are here tohelp you on your journey to
getting better, doing better andbeing better.
(27:31):
Turnaround Project helpingindividuals learn to help
themselves.
Yeah what up?
Ain't nobody got time for that?
Speaker 1 (00:02):
HodgeKids, hodgewife Yo you good yo.
You are such a liar, you areit's?
Live, let's go.
And that's on Pivotal.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
HoodChatter.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
What's up, family?
I'm your host, doc J, andwelcome back to another episode
of HoodChatter.
I missed you guys.
I hope everyone had a happy andhealthy 4th.
I hope your celebrations andyour turn up was responsible and
(00:39):
safe.
Okay, it's hot outside, soremember to stay hydrated and
drink your water, because youcannot be outside in this heat
trying to turn up drinking andyou're not drinking any water.
That is a recipe for disaster.
So be kind to yourself, besmart.
(00:59):
If you know you're going to bedrinking, uber it If you're not
sure if you're going to bedrinking, uber it, because
losing our life or taking thelife of someone else is just not
worth it.
So let's party responsibly,everybody.
So, now that we are post-PrideMonth and post-Pride Parade, I
(01:24):
wanted to take this time tohighlight my story and my
experiences, in hopes that it'llhelp someone else who might be
experiencing similar situations,and to also help some of us
change our way of thinking, ourway of approaching and the words
that we say to other people,just in an effort to make this
(01:48):
world a better place foreverybody, you know.
So with that, let's jump rightin.
However, I would like to offerthis disclaimer this story is
mine, mine and it has nothing todo with anyone else.
So if my testimony will makesomeone feel some type of way,
(02:12):
or if you think at some point Imight be talking about you, take
stock of yourself and youractions and govern yourself
accordingly, because this is oneinstance where I will not take
responsibility for the wayanyone else feels about my truth
.
Okay, like to hear it.
(02:33):
Here we go.
Let's start with the obvious I'mblack, I'm a male, I'm gay and
I'm feminine.
Shit, that's a story in itself,right, but I tell people all
the time I'm like a game ofspades.
I just played the hand.
(02:54):
I was dealt, but keep in mind,since I got to play this hand,
I'm going to try to put thewheels on it, run a bubble or
Boston tens across the board, um, but what you see is what you
get literally like.
Imagine me as a six year old.
I was the same exact person ina smaller body.
(03:14):
It it was no question LikeStevie wonder could see that I
was gay.
Real talk, because I wasnaturally feminine.
It wasn't anything that I wastaught or I picked up on from
somewhere.
It was my demeanor from thetime that I could walk and talk
and it was completely outside ofmy control.
My parents knew it, my familyknew it.
(03:38):
Shit, everybody knew it.
But you know how it is in theblack and brown community.
We know, but we're just notgoing to talk about it.
Right, we have this ignore itaway policy.
But kids, kids are cruel andthey will say what they think
and they repeat what they hear.
(03:58):
And it was somewhere around theyoung age of maybe four or five
, six that I noticed thatsomething was different.
Now imagine that for a moment, achild of that age trying to
process the fact that they knowthat something is different
about themselves than what theysee, but then to not have the
(04:23):
vocabulary or even feel safeenough to express that so
unknowingly.
The trauma started for mereally early because I was
branded gay, branded I heard theword gay for as long as I can
remember and I heard the wordbefore I even knew what it was.
(04:50):
So digest that for a moment, achild, an innocent child, being
branded because of physicalattributes that were completely
outside of their control,attributes that were completely
outside of their control.
And I was called something thatrequired an action.
(05:10):
But I was convicted even priorto the act.
So imagine being discriminatedagainst as a child right Now.
I grew up in an 11, two-parenthome and I have never been raped
, molested, accosted, groped,seduced, coerced or drugged in
(05:33):
any way.
And I have to say that becausemany people believe that
something happens in a person'slife along the way that made
them choose homosexuality orlesbianism.
And for some that might be thecase, but it is worth mentioning
that not everyone in thiscommunity arrived here through
(05:55):
some form of traumaticexperience.
And let me say this the flipside is women get a get out of
jail free pass right, generallybecause men are accepting of
that behavior or their behavior,and oftentimes because dudes
just want to participate.
But a woman can be a lesbianand decide at some point that
(06:19):
she wants a bone, and she canswitch sides easy, no, no
question.
And if she decides that shewants to have a katie perry
moment while she's in college.
100 fine men, however, are soscared of even being seen as the
least bit effeminate they'vedeveloped a language to
(06:42):
safeguard themselves from anyassociation.
Pause, no homo Right, godforbid a man had any
entanglement with the same sexin any part of his life.
He would have to move in orderto live that down, especially in
the black and brown community,that's.
(07:03):
That's not going to work at all.
And there's always been aquestion of whether or not
people are born gay.
And in my personal experiencethe answer is yes and no,
because I do know people, menand women, and let me stop there
for a second.
I know Let me stop there for asecond and say this the word gay
(07:27):
applies to women as well,because we tend to hear the word
gay and automatically assumethat individuals are talking
about men.
Like I just mentioned this tosomeone the other day, when
people hear of the gay prideparade, they automatically
assume that it's the parade forgay men, when in fact there are
(07:47):
just as many women, if not morewomen, in attendance.
But I do know people that havenever had an attraction or
desire to the same sex, but insome way that lifestyle met them
in a time in their life whereit made sense to explore.
And then there are individualslike me who, of no fault of
(08:11):
their own, by no choice of theirown, was given this weight to
carry.
And, like I mentioned before, Icome from a two-parent home from
which both of my parents areold school and my father was a
hood dude.
So my mannerisms and any otherisms weren't things that were
(08:33):
learned or forced upon me.
It was just natural developmentthat was completely outside of
my control, and I had a list ofmale cousins, brothers and some
so-called male friends growingup.
So I played basketball,baseball, football, ran track,
bike, race, fist fightseverything that society would
(08:56):
say a little boy should do.
However, I said I was like four, five, six when I knew that
things were different and it wasvery evident that the things
that my male cousins and friendswanted to do for fun was not
what I wanted to do Like.
I loved being with the girls.
(09:17):
I loved the idea of dressingBarbie and doing her hair and
her dream house.
However, at that age, I wasalso smart enough not to ask for
one, and you see what I mean.
For a gay child, trying tointernalize all of that is
(09:38):
really exhausting and, withoutthe proper support, can really
cause irreparable damage, and Igrew up in the 80s and 90s.
There was no handbook for beinggay.
There was no real pioneers inthe black and one that looked
like me in the county, and foryears of my life, anything that
(10:13):
was associated with being gay inthe entire county somehow found
a way of bringing my name up.
Can you imagine how exhausting.
And again we're talking aboutphysical attributes.
And again we're talking aboutphysical attributes.
(10:53):
I have had the same body typeand worn the same shoe size
since I was in the seventh grade.
I mean, come on, I these growthspurts that everyone talks
about and their voice startingto deepen.
Girl, I miss both of thosetrains.
I would go to the gym to workout and get muscle and abs Shit.
I couldn't gain weight withsupplements and I was soon to
pull a muscle before I gainedany muscle.
Okay, so not only was I brandedas a child and forced to walk
(11:17):
with a word that I didn't have achance to figure out for myself
, despite my best efforts, thethings that I saw other people
consider as manly, I couldn'teven achieve because I was still
short, I still wore a size sixshoe, I'm still slim, and it
(11:39):
became very evident to mequickly that, no matter what I
did, that word gay would followme for the rest of my life.
And when I was younger, I hadto deal with answering and being
asked some stupid questions.
Okay, are you gay?
(11:59):
Why?
What's wrong with you?
Why are you like that?
Most of which is from otherkids, but I was also extremely
mature, so these questions wouldcome from people that were much
older than me, as if I was ableto articulate the answer with
(12:20):
any kind of clarity.
But I learned to deal with thatand maneuver in that space at
that age, in that space, at thatage.
It wasn't until I became ateenager, going into middle
school, that I realized howproblematic this label was going
to be and it was almost likebeing stripped of my name and at
(12:43):
that stage in my life peoplesaw me as gay before they saw
anything else.
People saw me as gay beforethey saw anything else.
I mean, for that matter, a lotof the times.
That still is the case and thatreally began the road to me
understanding fake friends andgossip and trauma and really
(13:05):
becoming a high school dropout.
I'm a doctor now, but a highschool dropout and in an effort
to try to find myself this iswhere the story gets funny In an
effort to try to find myselfand navigate this lifestyle that
was unfolding for me, Iattempted to assert some kind of
dominance around the age of 13,right Now, remember I said that
(13:29):
I was very mature for my ageand I grew up in the 80s and 90s
, where things were verydifferent.
So I had a lot of girlfriends bythis time in my life, most of
which were substantially olderthan me, and I know it sounds
crazy to hear me mention thisstage in my life and then
referring to only being 13.
But believe me when I tell youI was extremely advanced, but I
(13:54):
had to grow up really quickly.
Anyhow, I wanted to go out withthe girls for New Year's Eve.
I picked up on how easy it wasfor girls to get in free and get
stuff for free and go toparties and I was like shit, I
want that.
And people would always say, oh,he's so pretty.
So I said, all right, well,let's do it.
(14:17):
I got a wig and put on somemakeup and a cute little outfit
and some heels and I said I'mgoing out with the girls.
Bear in mind, I told you I livein an urban neighborhood and I
forgot to mention that I grew upin an apartment building.
Now, going through this littleempowerment phase, I never
(14:41):
stopped to think of theconsequences that might have and
I was fixated on havingsomething for me.
Well, bitch, I got exactly that.
Okay, me and the girls got offthe elevator New Year's Eve
night and we going to the club.
(15:01):
Well, when the elevator dooropened on the first floor, when
I tell you, everybody and theirmother was in the lobby,
everybody and their mother wasin the lobby and they turning up
for the new year Baby, I almostdied.
(15:22):
When I tell you, I almostD-I-E-D died.
Now I'm trying to keep my headdown and mosey through without
anyone noticing me.
Wrong, wrong.
I was with these girls all thetime.
I hadn't made it five stepsbefore someone yells Yo, that's
(15:45):
Jay.
Bitch, the ground could haveopened up and just sucked me
right up in it, like literallydisappeared for life.
But but from then on out, jesus,it was always something, and I
spent much of my high schoolyears trying to find myself and
(16:07):
being the youngest of all of myfriends.
Trying to find myself had tohappen really fast, and I was a
party kid.
I had nothing in common with mypeers, so I dropped out of
school in the 10th grade.
Because I was there but Iwasn't really there.
(16:27):
Because I was there but Iwasn't really there.
And outside of the fact that Iliked to party, dropping out of
school really prevented me fromhaving to deal with the daily
bullshit.
You know, I didn't have to dealwith the whispers anymore, or
the silence when you walk intothe room, or the rumors that
would come at a rapid rate orthe lies that got me in just so
many unnecessary situations, andI was like I had to realize
(16:52):
that a lot of people that werearound me were not because they
were genuine, but because theywanted to know what I was doing,
or, better yet, they wanted toknow who I was doing.
And it wasn't until I gotburned by some so-called friends
that I was really able tounderstand the dynamic that came
with this lifestyle and withbeing me, dynamic that came with
(17:15):
this lifestyle and with beingme, you know.
But thankfully, growing up,church was a safe haven for me
and it allowed me to drown outsome of the pressure from
society and it provided a dualbenefit of allowing me to do
something that really made mefeel free, and that's singing.
(17:35):
But you know know, hindsight is20, 20 and, looking back, these
things really probablyjump-started my relationship
with god.
So I'll take that out of that.
Um, but because for quite sometime that was really all I had
and and my parents, they alwaysloved me, but for a time the way
(17:58):
that they grew up didn't reallyallow them to embrace the times
that I was growing up in, andit wasn't really until we
arrived at a love me or lose meplace did things really start to
change, because love was reallythe foundation in my household.
But for a little while, youknow, that whole gay thing
(18:25):
really became problematic.
Unfortunately, many people inthis lifestyle do not have that
opportunity to have family, takethem back in and tell them they
love them, and oftentimesthey're thrown out and their
lives are just absolutely turnedaround and they're, you know,
discarded like garbage.
(18:45):
However, it wasn't until I gotolder and settled into myself
was I able to start to pick upon some of the things and the
people in the church that werenot as loving as they portrayed.
But you know, when I grew up andgot more comfortable in my own
skin and in the confidence thatI was not a mistake and nothing
(19:07):
was wrong with me, I noticed howlittle support I truly received
over the years and from myexperiences with the black
church and I say the blackchurch because I have been to
many churches over the years allover the country, from mega
churches to storefrontestablishments and in the black
(19:29):
church gays have always beentolerated for the most part as
long as the gay ran or sang inthe choir, because as long as
the gays are doing somethingthat can benefit the masses,
then our presence is okay.
In that specific capacityyou're showered with love.
(19:51):
Love when you can get thecongregation to shout or shed a
tear.
But when it really came down toit, I realized I was never
invited to outings, I was neverinvited to houses, I was never
invited to cookouts Hell.
There were many times where Iorganized things myself and
(20:14):
found that no one, or little tono one showed up and it started
to become really clear to me thedistinction between tolerated
and acceptance.
And it was around that precisetime that I realized that I
don't give a damn about thelikes and the love, but you will
respect me.
(20:34):
And that's period.
Shout out to Khalees I don'tcare about the likes or the love
, but you will respect mebecause I'm a kind person who is
always willing to help somebodyelse if I can.
And if you don't like me, thendon't be bothered with me.
But at this stage in my life Iwill no longer relinquish my
(20:58):
power to someone else who wantsme to feel inferior.
I'm done like donecom.
So let me say this Followingthe mass shooting that happened
a couple of years ago back inFlorida, I had wrote this piece
(21:19):
that was very near and dear tomy heart and I want to share
that with you right now, family,because I really believe that
you know it tags onto my story,but it provides a clear
understanding of some of thethings that I just touched on
and it provides a little insightinto the lives of the people in
(21:39):
my community.
So here we go.
In the urban community,especially in the urban
community, people oftentimescriticize and become very angry
at the fact that there is a downlow community, and they often
criticize for not coming out thecloset right, for the lack of a
(22:03):
better term.
However, who would dare toreveal themselves to people when
two words have the potential ofruining your entire life
forever?
All you have to say is I'm gay,and that can potentially ruin
your entire life forever?
Like what person in their rightmind would want to expose their
(22:24):
sexual preferences when theresponses that follow are
oftentimes very negative?
So who would want to be thetopic of constant conversation
or lies and discrimination, orwhispering and physical abuse,
verbal abuse, bullying, loss offamily everyone should be
(22:45):
afforded.
The church oftentimes turnstheir backs on the very
individuals that they embracedthe Sunday before Like.
Imagine the hurt and thestruggle that comes when
(23:08):
someone's family tells them theyno longer want to be a part of
their lives, or when the friendsthat you talked with yesterday
ignore you and talk about youtoday.
It's hard enough, growing up inthe urban community as a black
man and we're in constant fearof blue coats and blue lights,
but to add insult to injury, nowmen and women who take the leap
(23:32):
of courage in living the livesthat they choose now have to
feel whether or not they'll godown in history being the next
victim of a hate crime.
And for a black man who is gayand feminine, oftentimes that
puts me and others like me atthe bottom of the food chain in
(23:52):
the eyes of society and in theblack community and in the black
church, and the fear that isassociated with that is
sometimes crippling and itcauses people to walk around a
constant observation of who'saround you, who's looking at you
, who's beside you, who's youknow really for you and who's
(24:12):
against you, and it createsfeelings of inadequacy and shame
and doubt and anxiety anddepression and it can lead to
drugs and promiscuity andsometimes for people, suicide.
And oftentimes people will evenexpress openly their desire to
harm or even kill gay peoplesimply because they don't agree
(24:36):
with their lifestyle.
And these days you don'tnecessarily have to identify as
being openly gay.
But for someone like myself whois visibly feminine or has
stepped outside the box that wascreated by society, you are
automatically targeted.
Let me say this I didn't wake upone morning and ask to look
(24:59):
like this, I didn't ask to soundlike this or walk like this or
talk like this, but I did decidenot to be ashamed of who I am
and I trust that God didn't makea mistake on me and I trust
that God didn't make a mistakeon me and I'm going to walk with
my head up and not believe whatpeople think or say about me.
(25:21):
I'm going to live life to thefullest and I'm going to keep
God first and know that he willnever put more on me than I can
bear.
So I wrote this message toprovide insight to those looking
from the outside in, and I tellyou this be kind to people,
regardless of how you feel abouttheir choices or their
(25:44):
decisions, and think about whatit would do to you if, suddenly,
everything that you know andyou love no longer wants to know
and love you.
So if you don't like someone,leave them alone.
It's not your place to be judgeand jury, because everybody
(26:05):
wants to be loved and wantscompanionship and everybody
should have that opportunity.
Never turn away from your family.
Always think before you speak,listen before you judge and pray
before you react.
I love you family, I really do,and if you don't take anything
(26:27):
else away from this, be kind topeople and if you can't do that,
just leave them alone, becausewe were not commanded to like.
We were commanded to love God,love ourselves, love your
neighbor and love your enemy.
And remember if you're not acontender, you're a pretender.
Thanks for listening, you guys.
(26:48):
See you next week.
Speaker 2 (27:10):
We'll come on a talk to you.
Need someone to listen, lookingfor clarity and strategy.
Reach out to the TurnaroundProject.
Our life coaches are here tohelp you on your journey to
getting better, doing better andbeing better.
(27:31):
Turnaround Project helpingindividuals learn to help
themselves.
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