June 27, 2024 • 29 mins
How many times have you felt the weight of a toxic relationship, unfulfilling job, or harmful habit dragging you down? On this week's episode of "Hood Chatter," we share a heartfelt apology for our recent hiatus and dive into the powerful theme of "Enough is Enough." Inspired by stories like J-Lo's "Enough" and Angela Bassett as Tina Turner, we explore the courage it takes to set boundaries and walk away from what no longer serves us. Katrina's testimonial will inspire you to recognize your worth and embrace the journey of personal growth and self-preservation.
Navigating the complexities of leaving a toxic relationship, especially with children involved, is no easy feat. We discuss the importance of building a strong support system, seeking legal action if necessary, and keeping your exit plans confidential. We talk about the crucial steps toward independence, such as finding a job or returning to school, all while underscoring the necessity of personal counseling to process trauma. Setting boundaries and learning to say no is an essential part of self-care and prioritization. This chapter is all about empowering you to create a life free from pain and filled with possibilities.
Relationship dynamics can be tricky, and we tackle some thought-provoking questions in this episode. Is it acceptable for partners to look at others while on vacation? Do the words "I love you" need to be said aloud in a committed relationship, or should actions speak for themselves? We also delve into the complexities of sexual rejection and the insecurities it can breed. Through empathy and communication, we explore how to navigate these challenging situations. Before we wrap up, we express our immense gratitude for your support and remind you that resources like the Turnaround Project are here to help you achieve your dreams. Tune in for a compelling and heartfelt conversation that promises to resonate deeply.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Yeah, what up.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
Ain't nobody got time for that.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hodge kids, hodge wife.
Yo you good, yo you are such aliar, liar it's live, let's go,
and that's on Pivotal.
Good job.
What's going on family?
I am so sorry for the delay.
This past two weeks has reallyreally been difficult for my
(00:26):
family and I.
We have really beenexperiencing a series of family
emergencies and health scaresand we're really not completely
out of the woods.
So I'm asking everybody to keepme and my family in prayer as
we go through some really tryingtimes right now.
My family in prayer as we gothrough some really trying times
(00:49):
right now.
But, with that being said,welcome to another episode of
Hood Chatter.
Everybody, we're back hereagain.
I'm not going to let you down.
This is the show where we givestraight facts, friendly advice,
culture, truth and sarcasm.
So let's get into it.
The pools are open, everybody.
The rooftops are open, the dayparties full swing, food,
(01:11):
festivals on the rise, concerts,popping it looks like summer is
finally here.
Family, it's finally here tostay.
But for all of us out there, allof this nice weather does not
mean that the sun is justshining on everyone, right?
(01:32):
So my question to you is areyou tired of being tired?
Of being tired, you know what Imean Like you take two steps
forward and five steps back whenyou feel like you're doing
everything you can, but nothingis going right.
(01:52):
Don't feel bad, because you'redefinitely not alone.
And today's episode is entitledEnough is Enough.
That's really what it is.
Enough is enough.
And today we're talking aboutletting go.
Whether that be a relationshipor a job, a habit, a friend, a
(02:15):
fear, complacency, whatever thatthing is, today it's all about
letting go and release fromwhatever is keeping you from
being your most authentic self,because when we find ourselves
in situations where our back isup against the wall, our
automatic response is fight orflight.
(02:36):
But what happens when you haveno more fight left in you, when
everything is just a constantfight?
At what point is enough reallyenough?
Now I want you to think back onJ-Lo and her iconic role in the
movie Enough, with BillyCampbell or Angela Bassett
(03:00):
portraying Tina Turner.
Right, those are all situationsof physical abuse.
However, the premise is reallystill the same and for these
women, no matter what peopletold them or how much pain they
were in or how much sense changemade, they weren't able to
escape their captors until theyput their foot down and said
(03:24):
enough is enough Now.
I said in previous shows thatgoodbyes and knowing when to
leave is always hard.
However, sometimes it's reallynecessary and in situations
where you're not appreciated,respected and you're being taken
advantage of, you have toremember that you're worth more
than you're getting Now.
(03:46):
I know that's easier said thandone, especially in a marriage
when there's kids involved, butif you're not good to you, you
can't be good to anyone else,and you have to think about the
example then that you want toset for your children or face
the fear that comes with divorceor separation.
But we all have to know when toput our foot down and say
(04:09):
enough is enough, in whateversituation it is that we're going
through.
Okay, so that touches on thephysical portion of enough is
enough Flip side.
Are you that person thateveryone calls for everything?
You know what I mean.
Like I need help moving, I needhelp painting.
Can you take me somewhere?
Can I borrow something ExactlyLike are you that friend?
(04:36):
Because doing good and being agood friend and a good person is
great, but sometimes, as a goodperson and a good friend, we
also have to learn when enoughis enough.
And that means we're learningwhen to say no, because how
often do we find ourselves atwork and notice that you're
(04:57):
doing most of the work andothers are getting paid to do
nothing.
Why?
Because sometimes being good atyour job is not necessarily a
good thing, and sometimeshelping people can turn into
them taking advantage of you.
You do something good or helpsomeone one time and then they
(05:20):
keep asking you for things andyou keep accepting until you
find that you're overwhelmed oroverworked and underpaid,
underappreciated, and then youhave no one to turn to that
cares or can help.
So, for that person, learningwhen to say no is also a form of
(05:40):
self-care, because spreadingyourself too thin or trying to
be everything to everybody is arecipe for burnout.
And sometimes saying no is youmaking a conscious decision to
put yourself first, regardlessof how it makes someone else
feel.
Now let me say that againSometimes you saying no is you
(06:05):
making a conscious decision toput yourself first, regardless
of how it makes someone elsefeel.
And let me say this If someoneis truly in your corner and
supportive, they will understandthat when you're saying no,
it's not an attack, but you'retaking care of yourself for a
change.
It's not an attack, but you'retaking care of yourself for a
(06:25):
change.
And sometimes we spend entirelytoo much time trying to please
other people when, in fact, weshould invest that time into
working on ourselves.
Right.
Enough is enough, so let's doit.
I'm back with anothertestimonial from an unbelievable
woman named Katrina, and Iwanted to share Katrina's story
(06:49):
because I there are so manywomen out there who have or are
dealing with the same situation.
Now, of course, the testimonialis definitely something that
men can experience or haveexperienced, but oftentimes this
affects ladies and, for themost part, fellas.
(07:09):
Keep your ears tuned in,because this might shed some
light on some of the pain andthe heartache that you might
have or will inflict.
And let me just stick this inthere before we get into it,
because I think it's reallyimportant Don't let your past
define you, process it, makepeace with whatever it is and
(07:33):
then let it go, because, if not,you're stunting your own growth
.
And when you let that thing go,don't store it away and go back
to pick it up when challengescome and familiar situations
arrive.
Have a funeral for your painand suffering and then lay it to
rest, because there is more toyou than your past and you're
(07:57):
bigger and better than whatyou've been through.
Let's hear Katrina's story.
Speaker 2 (08:02):
Okay, so I have two kids with my baby daddy I hate
that word, I really do, but Iguess that is what he is and I'm
his third baby mother.
I know, don't judge me please,but we've been together one and
all for about 10 years and wehave a five and a six-year-old.
And shit was good when we wasdating.
(08:22):
But after I had our first kidhe wouldn't let like he did and
I'm not going to lie.
I did deal with him cheating inthe past and getting phone
calls from bird heads, but Ithought only that was in the
past.
But recently things have gottenreally bad and I know some of
it is because I let him get awaywith shit for so long and I'm
(08:45):
saying I'm leaving doesn't evenfaze him anymore and I kind of
think that he believes that Ican't make it without him and,
truth be told, I stayed waylonger than I should have.
But I also didn't want to be asingle mother.
But with all this shit I gothrough and he does in the
street, I basically already am asingle mother.
(09:07):
I mean, he does throw money myway, right, but he definitely is
not a hands-on parent and I'mleft with most of the
responsibility.
And now me and him are back tothe constant lying and the phone
going off crazy hours, theverbal abuse, and I heard that
(09:27):
he's messing with some girl andshe might be pregnant.
So I confronted him about itand of course you know he said
oh, they lying, people hating onhim.
And of course he accused myfriends first.
Oh, they never liked me.
But of course I've been withhim long enough to know what
he's lying and, to be honestwith you, the math just ain't
(09:48):
massive and my parents theyolder, so I didn't want to go
home and bombard them with thisnonsense.
But at this rate I think thatmight be the best bet until I
can get on my feet, because Ihave a decent job and a little
bit saved up, but not enough tocomfortably move into my own
place and have the means to takecare of my children.
(10:10):
Like I just never imagined thatmy life would be like this.
I just never imagined that mylife would be like this and I
really don't know when shit wentwrong.
Maybe I do, and I probablyshould have left after the first
time he cheated, or after thefirst time some chick called my
phone, or the first time hedidn't come home at night, or
the first time he startedcalling me out of my name, or
(10:35):
when the argument startedhitting below the belt, like I'm
a big girl, I am and I'm womanenough to take some
responsibility in a situationthat I'm in.
But I'm truly at the breakingpoint and I can't do this
anymore.
But I'm confused about how Ishould make my exit, like, do I
pack up and leave and then whenhe comes back, like me and the
(10:56):
kids are gone, or should I sitdown and tell him?
But I guess some of that isbecause I really don't want to
launch or run out argument andeven though he's not equipped to
take care of the kids, I reallydon't know what he might try if
he really believes that I'mleaving.
So I don't want to seemspiteful either, but I'm also
(11:18):
not entertaining the idea ofanybody taking my children,
maybe.
So if you could help me shedsome light on what I'm going
through, I would reallyappreciate it, because I do have
girlfriends, but I don't feellike this is something that I
could talk to them about,because it's always going to
come with some kind ofshit-or-could-or-would-or
bullshit and I don't feel likethis is something that I could
talk to them about, because it'salways going to come with some
kind of shit or coulda, woulda,bullshit, and I don't need to
(11:39):
hear that right now.
I need to figure out how tosafely and swiftly get out of
this.
You know, and I always saw women.
I always see women withmultiple kids in a grocery store
, at the bus stop and I wouldalways think, damn, how does she
do it?
And look, I'm that woman nowand it breaks my heart because
(12:03):
I'm not a bad-looking girl atall and I have a bachelor's
degree in business, but Ihaven't put the amount of effort
into myself as I did babysit inthis relationship.
I mean, I got something toblame more than I thought,
because just hearing this outloud does make shit sound a lot
worse on my part.
So I don't know.
(12:24):
But, doc, really I appreciateanything you could offer and
I'll let you know how thesituation unfolds.
But can I just say this, like toany of the women that are
listening out here the life of ababy mother, a single mother,
is hard and nobody can saydifferent.
But I believe that we arestrong and resilient and we can
(12:45):
survive the trauma that we'vebeen through.
So keep your head up ladies,real talk.
But I really I just can't takethis anymore and I'm not getting
any younger and this psychoticshit is starting to rub off on
my children and I don't wantthem to think that this is how
you act or how you treat a woman.
And I know I've said it athousand times before, but this
(13:08):
time is different.
I really don't care what I haveto do.
I know I need to leave and Iknow it's going to be hard work,
but shit, I'm worth it.
And if not, my kids definitelyare, because they didn't ask for
this and I'm not.
I'm not staying to haunt themand I'm not staying to haunt
(13:29):
myself, I guess.
Really, I don't know if I'meven looking for advice or if I
really just needed to get thisout, but I can definitely tell
you that I feel a little better.
Thank you for listening.
I really appreciate it and anyadvice you can give too.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
Wow, wow, didn't I'all?
That was something, and and Iknow there are a lot of people
right here that can resonatewith this, and that's why I said
, fellas, keep your ears tunedto this, because some of you
might have or are in thissituation right now, so this
(14:14):
definitely might benefit you aswell.
Don't tune out to this.
So, katrina, first I want tosay thank you for your story,
thank you for being honest andvulnerable, because I can
imagine how difficult it musthave been not only to share your
story but to woman up and takesome responsibility for some of
(14:35):
the stuff that you have takenplace in your relationship.
Now I will say this If youbelieve that leaving can
potentially turn into a violentsituation, then you need some
kind of reinforcement, some kindof backup, and it might be
beneficial for you to take somekind of legal action.
(14:57):
I don't know the specifics ofyour situation, but you might
want to take some kind of legalaction if that's necessary A
restraining order or an order ofprotection or something to
safeguard yourself for thesafety of you and your children.
Now let me say this In no wayam I condoning violence right,
because if you think that thisis just going to be ignorance
(15:19):
that does not require policepresence.
Then phone a friend, phone acousin, rally a whole group of
people to show up at your houseand help you make your exit.
Okay, because he can't pop offon everybody, right?
That's first.
But you have to create asupport system and I know that
when you have children, leavingcan always be a challenge
(15:43):
because you don't want to hurtyour children, or things can get
ugly, become a custodysituation, but in the same sense
they can be remnants of goodtimes and the love still lingers
and, of course, the shame.
And some of us stay too long intoxic situations because we
(16:09):
don't want anyone else to knowthat the grass isn't as green as
it appears to be and somepeople turn to drugs and alcohol
.
So I commend you for knowingthat it's time for you to make
your exit.
Okay, but let me say this youmight benefit from seeking
counseling, because you would besurprised how much trauma stays
(16:31):
with you, knowingly andunknowingly, and can present
itself at inopportune times orcause you to make poor decisions
.
So it's always helpful to havesomeone to help you process your
pain and you deserve to behappy, okay, so let me stick
that in there.
Second, I encourage you do notshare this information with
(16:57):
anyone that is close to him.
If you think that leaving isgoing to be a potential problem
and I don't really care how gooda relationship you have with
that person, if it's someonethat is directly connected to
him don't discuss your plans ofexit or your thoughts of leaving
, because that really can justadd unnecessary fuel to the fire
(17:19):
.
So you know what you need to do, but remember, if you don't
take the steps to make lifebetter for you and your children
now, what makes you unhappytoday can make you angry down
the line and can manifest itselfin ways that can be harmful to
(17:39):
you or to someone else.
So I hope this helps you andall of us in some way, because
if leaving a toxic relationshipis something that you're
considering, take steps to makethat happen, and if you're not
independent, you might need toget a job or go back to school
(18:00):
to start that process, and thiscan be something that is very
empowering and can can help youin your time of need.
Don't be ashamed, because you'renot alone.
You're really not alone and youdeserve to be happy, katrina
(18:23):
and I say this not just toKatrina, but to all ladies and
all people that are goingthrough this situation right now
.
You really deserve to be happy,and anybody man or woman,
whether it's work orrelationship or anything if
you're in a situation where youneed to put your foot down and
say enough is enough, don't beashamed, because you're not
alone and you deserve to behappy.
(18:45):
You deserve love that does nothurt.
You deserve words that don'ttear you down.
You deserve a life ofpossibilities and not pain,
really.
So let me ask you this and nowI'm talking to everybody Do you
believe in you?
Do you believe that you can doit on your own, that you can
(19:08):
make it in whatever situation,that you can stay disciplined
and think big, and that you cansurround yourself around
like-minded people, people inyour field?
Can you set goals and then showup for yourself and, most
(19:29):
importantly, then put in thework, because nothing comes to
those who sit and complain orthose who make plans with no
follow-through.
So, family, I hope you wereable to take something away from
that, because enough is sittingin your own shit, so to speak.
Whether it's procrastination,negative self-talk, overeating,
(19:52):
etc.
Anything that is making yourlife unmanageable or preventing
you from being productive.
Put your foot down, take yourpower back and say enough is
enough.
You have to make a consciousdecision to work on you, and the
same thing applies to your worksituation or your relationship.
(20:14):
Enough is enough presentsitself in the form of knowing
when to say no, settingboundaries so people know what
type of behavior you will nottolerate.
Being helpful is one thing, butdoing other people's work is
not helpful, and it's beingtaken advantage of, especially
(20:36):
if they're not reciprocating.
When you need assistance, youneed assistance Now.
While this might soundconfrontational sometimes, the
only way to put a toxicrelationship to bed is to
confront the individual Now.
Speak calmly and intentionally,because things are not going to
change if you don't take thesteps to do so Now.
(21:05):
Bear in mind that there aresome people that are completely
unaware of their behavior, andthen there are others that just
really don't care, and that's awonderful thing if someone is
reaching out and seeking yourknowledge and your expertise in
a specific area, but that doesnot mean that you're obligated
to say yes all the time andyou're rejecting the assignment,
not the person.
(21:26):
So don't feel bad when you haveto say no in a work situation,
because you're not saying thatyou're unwilling to assist ever,
but you don't always have to beavailable every time somebody
needs something, becausesometimes your no might require
an explanation, depending on thecircumstance, right or the
individual, but you're notobligated to tell someone while
(21:49):
you're unavailable.
Sometimes saying no is going tobe hard.
I'm not going to lie, becausewe don't want to be left out or
passed over, but remember thatwhen you say no, sometimes
you're committing to somethingthat is more valuable and that's
you Now.
This can be prioritizing yourwork, your time or just yourself
(22:14):
, and this sometimes might feellike you're letting someone down
or missing the mark.
But sometimes this is necessaryto take back some of the
control you have given away, andin most cases people won't
resent you for it, but if theydo, you already know.
(22:36):
Okay, all right, y'all, we beatthat in the head.
Enough is enough.
Okay, if you don't takeanything away, enough is enough.
Know when to put your foot downand take your power back and
invest in you, because you'reworth it and you deserve it.
Okay, we on to the next one.
(22:56):
It's phase three.
Let's get into some questions.
First one it's summertime.
Summertime, when you're onvacation, you at the beach with
your spouse do they get a passto look at other people.
Now let me explain, ladies,when you're on the beach with
(23:16):
your man, you know he's lookingat the fatties already and the
bbls walk by and the two piecesyou know.
So does he get a pass?
Because you know, normally ifyou were at home that would be a
certified problem.
But does he get a pass whenyou're on vacation at the beach?
Does it require sunglasses andfellas?
(23:39):
The same question applies toyou Because don't get it twisted
your girl is looking at theswim trunks when they come out
the water.
So does she get a pass?
Because, truth be told, yourgirl sees both sides of the
fence way before you do, andnine times out of ten she's
already watching to see ifyou're looking.
(23:59):
Okay, now dudes.
Dudes will say no homo or pause, but they're not blind.
A dude can see if another dudehas a nice body or swag, or know
for a fact if he's someone thathis girl would be looking at.
So a dude is doing the samething.
When he sees a nice looking guy, he look over at his shorty to
(24:22):
see what she looking at and seehow she's reacting to it.
So, on both sides of the fence,when you and your spouse are on
vacation, do you get a pass to?
You know, not flirt, but havethe wands are in us so you could
stand.
Spend that extra.
You know three to five secondswith the extra.
Look okay.
(24:43):
Second question when you're in arelationship, is telling your
partner I love you important orshould it be readily assumed?
When you're in a committedrelationship, is saying I love
you necessary or is it somethingthat should be readily assumed?
(25:06):
Now, for me, when you're in aserious relationship, it should
definitely be visible, withoutsaying, by your actions and some
of the little things you do.
You know, but I don't knowabout you.
I need to hear it Like.
It makes me feel good andwanted and appreciated and it
(25:27):
lets me know that we're both onthe same page and to me it's a
verbal sign of your desire tostay together.
Now, some people don't like tosay it and other people have
never heard it before or havenever been told that before, so
they really can't muster up thewords or can't identify what
(25:47):
love is for them, so they don'thave the capacity to articulate
those words with meaning behindthem, right?
So see how that plays out foryou.
Is saying I love you and yourrelationship really important?
Or, you know, if we're in acommitted relationship and we're
together, is that just kind ofis what it is, it's readily
assumed.
So last question Now, fellas,this happens to you all the time
(26:12):
, so you can tune in on thisquestion.
So I'm going to pose this to thewomen and you can sit there and
look at her in her face likeshe crazy.
So, ladies, you're in the moodand you come on to your man and
you ready for playtime, and hesays that he's not in the mood.
(26:35):
Look at your face, ladies.
You look at your man and you inthe mood, you ready to get it
in, and he says he's not in themood.
What do you say?
Now?
That's what I said, fellas.
That happens to you all thetime.
So look her right in the face.
Real talk, ladies.
(26:56):
How would you feel if youturned to your man and you
wanted to get it in and he toldyou he wasn't in the mood?
Now I'm an adult, so I'm matureenough to factor in whether or
not you had a hard day or hedoesn't feel well, or he didn't
sleep much last night, right,but for the most part, it is
(27:19):
very unlikely for a man to turndown sex, especially spontaneous
sex, right one time might notbe an issue, but a pattern would
definitely be concerning, notjust because of cheating
thoughts starting to run throughyour mind.
(27:39):
But then you go into questionwhether or not there's something
wrong with you or whether ornot he's still attracted to you.
Right, and for me it's asurefire way to feel unwanted
and undesirable.
But again, I say, there arecertain circumstances where you
(28:00):
can kind of be granted a pass,right.
Okay, family, that's it for me.
Again, I want to thank you foryour support and your patience
and I just ask that you continueto keep me and my family in
prayer and, as always, I do thesame for you and until next time
(28:22):
, remember, as long as you havelife you still have time to make
(28:58):
your dreams for clarity andstrategy reach out to the
Turnaround Project.
Speaker 3 (29:02):
Our life coaches are here to help you on your journey
to getting better, doing betterand being better.
Turnaround Project Helpingindividuals learn to help
themselves.
Yeah, what up.
Speaker 2 (00:01):
Ain't nobody got time for that.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hodge kids, hodge wife.
Yo you good, yo you are such aliar, liar it's live, let's go,
and that's on Pivotal.
Good job.
What's going on family?
I am so sorry for the delay.
This past two weeks has reallyreally been difficult for my
(00:26):
family and I.
We have really beenexperiencing a series of family
emergencies and health scaresand we're really not completely
out of the woods.
So I'm asking everybody to keepme and my family in prayer as
we go through some really tryingtimes right now.
My family in prayer as we gothrough some really trying times
(00:49):
right now.
But, with that being said,welcome to another episode of
Hood Chatter.
Everybody, we're back hereagain.
I'm not going to let you down.
This is the show where we givestraight facts, friendly advice,
culture, truth and sarcasm.
So let's get into it.
The pools are open, everybody.
The rooftops are open, the dayparties full swing, food,
(01:11):
festivals on the rise, concerts,popping it looks like summer is
finally here.
Family, it's finally here tostay.
But for all of us out there, allof this nice weather does not
mean that the sun is justshining on everyone, right?
(01:32):
So my question to you is areyou tired of being tired?
Of being tired, you know what Imean Like you take two steps
forward and five steps back whenyou feel like you're doing
everything you can, but nothingis going right.
(01:52):
Don't feel bad, because you'redefinitely not alone.
And today's episode is entitledEnough is Enough.
That's really what it is.
Enough is enough.
And today we're talking aboutletting go.
Whether that be a relationshipor a job, a habit, a friend, a
(02:15):
fear, complacency, whatever thatthing is, today it's all about
letting go and release fromwhatever is keeping you from
being your most authentic self,because when we find ourselves
in situations where our back isup against the wall, our
automatic response is fight orflight.
(02:36):
But what happens when you haveno more fight left in you, when
everything is just a constantfight?
At what point is enough reallyenough?
Now I want you to think back onJ-Lo and her iconic role in the
movie Enough, with BillyCampbell or Angela Bassett
(03:00):
portraying Tina Turner.
Right, those are all situationsof physical abuse.
However, the premise is reallystill the same and for these
women, no matter what peopletold them or how much pain they
were in or how much sense changemade, they weren't able to
escape their captors until theyput their foot down and said
(03:24):
enough is enough Now.
I said in previous shows thatgoodbyes and knowing when to
leave is always hard.
However, sometimes it's reallynecessary and in situations
where you're not appreciated,respected and you're being taken
advantage of, you have toremember that you're worth more
than you're getting Now.
(03:46):
I know that's easier said thandone, especially in a marriage
when there's kids involved, butif you're not good to you, you
can't be good to anyone else,and you have to think about the
example then that you want toset for your children or face
the fear that comes with divorceor separation.
But we all have to know when toput our foot down and say
(04:09):
enough is enough, in whateversituation it is that we're going
through.
Okay, so that touches on thephysical portion of enough is
enough Flip side.
Are you that person thateveryone calls for everything?
You know what I mean.
Like I need help moving, I needhelp painting.
Can you take me somewhere?
Can I borrow something ExactlyLike are you that friend?
(04:36):
Because doing good and being agood friend and a good person is
great, but sometimes, as a goodperson and a good friend, we
also have to learn when enoughis enough.
And that means we're learningwhen to say no, because how
often do we find ourselves atwork and notice that you're
(04:57):
doing most of the work andothers are getting paid to do
nothing.
Why?
Because sometimes being good atyour job is not necessarily a
good thing, and sometimeshelping people can turn into
them taking advantage of you.
You do something good or helpsomeone one time and then they
(05:20):
keep asking you for things andyou keep accepting until you
find that you're overwhelmed oroverworked and underpaid,
underappreciated, and then youhave no one to turn to that
cares or can help.
So, for that person, learningwhen to say no is also a form of
(05:40):
self-care, because spreadingyourself too thin or trying to
be everything to everybody is arecipe for burnout.
And sometimes saying no is youmaking a conscious decision to
put yourself first, regardlessof how it makes someone else
feel.
Now let me say that againSometimes you saying no is you
(06:05):
making a conscious decision toput yourself first, regardless
of how it makes someone elsefeel.
And let me say this If someoneis truly in your corner and
supportive, they will understandthat when you're saying no,
it's not an attack, but you'retaking care of yourself for a
change.
It's not an attack, but you'retaking care of yourself for a
(06:25):
change.
And sometimes we spend entirelytoo much time trying to please
other people when, in fact, weshould invest that time into
working on ourselves.
Right.
Enough is enough, so let's doit.
I'm back with anothertestimonial from an unbelievable
woman named Katrina, and Iwanted to share Katrina's story
(06:49):
because I there are so manywomen out there who have or are
dealing with the same situation.
Now, of course, the testimonialis definitely something that
men can experience or haveexperienced, but oftentimes this
affects ladies and, for themost part, fellas.
(07:09):
Keep your ears tuned in,because this might shed some
light on some of the pain andthe heartache that you might
have or will inflict.
And let me just stick this inthere before we get into it,
because I think it's reallyimportant Don't let your past
define you, process it, makepeace with whatever it is and
(07:33):
then let it go, because, if not,you're stunting your own growth
.
And when you let that thing go,don't store it away and go back
to pick it up when challengescome and familiar situations
arrive.
Have a funeral for your painand suffering and then lay it to
rest, because there is more toyou than your past and you're
(07:57):
bigger and better than whatyou've been through.
Let's hear Katrina's story.
Speaker 2 (08:02):
Okay, so I have two kids with my baby daddy I hate
that word, I really do, but Iguess that is what he is and I'm
his third baby mother.
I know, don't judge me please,but we've been together one and
all for about 10 years and wehave a five and a six-year-old.
And shit was good when we wasdating.
(08:22):
But after I had our first kidhe wouldn't let like he did and
I'm not going to lie.
I did deal with him cheating inthe past and getting phone
calls from bird heads, but Ithought only that was in the
past.
But recently things have gottenreally bad and I know some of
it is because I let him get awaywith shit for so long and I'm
(08:45):
saying I'm leaving doesn't evenfaze him anymore and I kind of
think that he believes that Ican't make it without him and,
truth be told, I stayed waylonger than I should have.
But I also didn't want to be asingle mother.
But with all this shit I gothrough and he does in the
street, I basically already am asingle mother.
(09:07):
I mean, he does throw money myway, right, but he definitely is
not a hands-on parent and I'mleft with most of the
responsibility.
And now me and him are back tothe constant lying and the phone
going off crazy hours, theverbal abuse, and I heard that
(09:27):
he's messing with some girl andshe might be pregnant.
So I confronted him about itand of course you know he said
oh, they lying, people hating onhim.
And of course he accused myfriends first.
Oh, they never liked me.
But of course I've been withhim long enough to know what
he's lying and, to be honestwith you, the math just ain't
(09:48):
massive and my parents theyolder, so I didn't want to go
home and bombard them with thisnonsense.
But at this rate I think thatmight be the best bet until I
can get on my feet, because Ihave a decent job and a little
bit saved up, but not enough tocomfortably move into my own
place and have the means to takecare of my children.
(10:10):
Like I just never imagined thatmy life would be like this.
I just never imagined that mylife would be like this and I
really don't know when shit wentwrong.
Maybe I do, and I probablyshould have left after the first
time he cheated, or after thefirst time some chick called my
phone, or the first time hedidn't come home at night, or
the first time he startedcalling me out of my name, or
(10:35):
when the argument startedhitting below the belt, like I'm
a big girl, I am and I'm womanenough to take some
responsibility in a situationthat I'm in.
But I'm truly at the breakingpoint and I can't do this
anymore.
But I'm confused about how Ishould make my exit, like, do I
pack up and leave and then whenhe comes back, like me and the
(10:56):
kids are gone, or should I sitdown and tell him?
But I guess some of that isbecause I really don't want to
launch or run out argument andeven though he's not equipped to
take care of the kids, I reallydon't know what he might try if
he really believes that I'mleaving.
So I don't want to seemspiteful either, but I'm also
(11:18):
not entertaining the idea ofanybody taking my children,
maybe.
So if you could help me shedsome light on what I'm going
through, I would reallyappreciate it, because I do have
girlfriends, but I don't feellike this is something that I
could talk to them about,because it's always going to
come with some kind ofshit-or-could-or-would-or
bullshit and I don't feel likethis is something that I could
talk to them about, because it'salways going to come with some
kind of shit or coulda, woulda,bullshit, and I don't need to
(11:39):
hear that right now.
I need to figure out how tosafely and swiftly get out of
this.
You know, and I always saw women.
I always see women withmultiple kids in a grocery store
, at the bus stop and I wouldalways think, damn, how does she
do it?
And look, I'm that woman nowand it breaks my heart because
(12:03):
I'm not a bad-looking girl atall and I have a bachelor's
degree in business, but Ihaven't put the amount of effort
into myself as I did babysit inthis relationship.
I mean, I got something toblame more than I thought,
because just hearing this outloud does make shit sound a lot
worse on my part.
So I don't know.
(12:24):
But, doc, really I appreciateanything you could offer and
I'll let you know how thesituation unfolds.
But can I just say this, like toany of the women that are
listening out here the life of ababy mother, a single mother,
is hard and nobody can saydifferent.
But I believe that we arestrong and resilient and we can
(12:45):
survive the trauma that we'vebeen through.
So keep your head up ladies,real talk.
But I really I just can't takethis anymore and I'm not getting
any younger and this psychoticshit is starting to rub off on
my children and I don't wantthem to think that this is how
you act or how you treat a woman.
And I know I've said it athousand times before, but this
(13:08):
time is different.
I really don't care what I haveto do.
I know I need to leave and Iknow it's going to be hard work,
but shit, I'm worth it.
And if not, my kids definitelyare, because they didn't ask for
this and I'm not.
I'm not staying to haunt themand I'm not staying to haunt
(13:29):
myself, I guess.
Really, I don't know if I'meven looking for advice or if I
really just needed to get thisout, but I can definitely tell
you that I feel a little better.
Thank you for listening.
I really appreciate it and anyadvice you can give too.
Speaker 1 (13:52):
Wow, wow, didn't I'all?
That was something, and and Iknow there are a lot of people
right here that can resonatewith this, and that's why I said
, fellas, keep your ears tunedto this, because some of you
might have or are in thissituation right now, so this
(14:14):
definitely might benefit you aswell.
Don't tune out to this.
So, katrina, first I want tosay thank you for your story,
thank you for being honest andvulnerable, because I can
imagine how difficult it musthave been not only to share your
story but to woman up and takesome responsibility for some of
(14:35):
the stuff that you have takenplace in your relationship.
Now I will say this If youbelieve that leaving can
potentially turn into a violentsituation, then you need some
kind of reinforcement, some kindof backup, and it might be
beneficial for you to take somekind of legal action.
(14:57):
I don't know the specifics ofyour situation, but you might
want to take some kind of legalaction if that's necessary A
restraining order or an order ofprotection or something to
safeguard yourself for thesafety of you and your children.
Now let me say this In no wayam I condoning violence right,
because if you think that thisis just going to be ignorance
(15:19):
that does not require policepresence.
Then phone a friend, phone acousin, rally a whole group of
people to show up at your houseand help you make your exit.
Okay, because he can't pop offon everybody, right?
That's first.
But you have to create asupport system and I know that
when you have children, leavingcan always be a challenge
(15:43):
because you don't want to hurtyour children, or things can get
ugly, become a custodysituation, but in the same sense
they can be remnants of goodtimes and the love still lingers
and, of course, the shame.
And some of us stay too long intoxic situations because we
(16:09):
don't want anyone else to knowthat the grass isn't as green as
it appears to be and somepeople turn to drugs and alcohol
.
So I commend you for knowingthat it's time for you to make
your exit.
Okay, but let me say this youmight benefit from seeking
counseling, because you would besurprised how much trauma stays
(16:31):
with you, knowingly andunknowingly, and can present
itself at inopportune times orcause you to make poor decisions
.
So it's always helpful to havesomeone to help you process your
pain and you deserve to behappy, okay, so let me stick
that in there.
Second, I encourage you do notshare this information with
(16:57):
anyone that is close to him.
If you think that leaving isgoing to be a potential problem
and I don't really care how gooda relationship you have with
that person, if it's someonethat is directly connected to
him don't discuss your plans ofexit or your thoughts of leaving
, because that really can justadd unnecessary fuel to the fire
(17:19):
.
So you know what you need to do, but remember, if you don't
take the steps to make lifebetter for you and your children
now, what makes you unhappytoday can make you angry down
the line and can manifest itselfin ways that can be harmful to
(17:39):
you or to someone else.
So I hope this helps you andall of us in some way, because
if leaving a toxic relationshipis something that you're
considering, take steps to makethat happen, and if you're not
independent, you might need toget a job or go back to school
(18:00):
to start that process, and thiscan be something that is very
empowering and can can help youin your time of need.
Don't be ashamed, because you'renot alone.
You're really not alone and youdeserve to be happy, katrina
(18:23):
and I say this not just toKatrina, but to all ladies and
all people that are goingthrough this situation right now
.
You really deserve to be happy,and anybody man or woman,
whether it's work orrelationship or anything if
you're in a situation where youneed to put your foot down and
say enough is enough, don't beashamed, because you're not
alone and you deserve to behappy.
(18:45):
You deserve love that does nothurt.
You deserve words that don'ttear you down.
You deserve a life ofpossibilities and not pain,
really.
So let me ask you this and nowI'm talking to everybody Do you
believe in you?
Do you believe that you can doit on your own, that you can
(19:08):
make it in whatever situation,that you can stay disciplined
and think big, and that you cansurround yourself around
like-minded people, people inyour field?
Can you set goals and then showup for yourself and, most
(19:29):
importantly, then put in thework, because nothing comes to
those who sit and complain orthose who make plans with no
follow-through.
So, family, I hope you wereable to take something away from
that, because enough is sittingin your own shit, so to speak.
Whether it's procrastination,negative self-talk, overeating,
(19:52):
etc.
Anything that is making yourlife unmanageable or preventing
you from being productive.
Put your foot down, take yourpower back and say enough is
enough.
You have to make a consciousdecision to work on you, and the
same thing applies to your worksituation or your relationship.
(20:14):
Enough is enough presentsitself in the form of knowing
when to say no, settingboundaries so people know what
type of behavior you will nottolerate.
Being helpful is one thing, butdoing other people's work is
not helpful, and it's beingtaken advantage of, especially
(20:36):
if they're not reciprocating.
When you need assistance, youneed assistance Now.
While this might soundconfrontational sometimes, the
only way to put a toxicrelationship to bed is to
confront the individual Now.
Speak calmly and intentionally,because things are not going to
change if you don't take thesteps to do so Now.
(21:05):
Bear in mind that there aresome people that are completely
unaware of their behavior, andthen there are others that just
really don't care, and that's awonderful thing if someone is
reaching out and seeking yourknowledge and your expertise in
a specific area, but that doesnot mean that you're obligated
to say yes all the time andyou're rejecting the assignment,
not the person.
(21:26):
So don't feel bad when you haveto say no in a work situation,
because you're not saying thatyou're unwilling to assist ever,
but you don't always have to beavailable every time somebody
needs something, becausesometimes your no might require
an explanation, depending on thecircumstance, right or the
individual, but you're notobligated to tell someone while
(21:49):
you're unavailable.
Sometimes saying no is going tobe hard.
I'm not going to lie, becausewe don't want to be left out or
passed over, but remember thatwhen you say no, sometimes
you're committing to somethingthat is more valuable and that's
you Now.
This can be prioritizing yourwork, your time or just yourself
(22:14):
, and this sometimes might feellike you're letting someone down
or missing the mark.
But sometimes this is necessaryto take back some of the
control you have given away, andin most cases people won't
resent you for it, but if theydo, you already know.
(22:36):
Okay, all right, y'all, we beatthat in the head.
Enough is enough.
Okay, if you don't takeanything away, enough is enough.
Know when to put your foot downand take your power back and
invest in you, because you'reworth it and you deserve it.
Okay, we on to the next one.
(22:56):
It's phase three.
Let's get into some questions.
First one it's summertime.
Summertime, when you're onvacation, you at the beach with
your spouse do they get a passto look at other people.
Now let me explain, ladies,when you're on the beach with
(23:16):
your man, you know he's lookingat the fatties already and the
bbls walk by and the two piecesyou know.
So does he get a pass?
Because you know, normally ifyou were at home that would be a
certified problem.
But does he get a pass whenyou're on vacation at the beach?
Does it require sunglasses andfellas?
(23:39):
The same question applies toyou Because don't get it twisted
your girl is looking at theswim trunks when they come out
the water.
So does she get a pass?
Because, truth be told, yourgirl sees both sides of the
fence way before you do, andnine times out of ten she's
already watching to see ifyou're looking.
(23:59):
Okay, now dudes.
Dudes will say no homo or pause, but they're not blind.
A dude can see if another dudehas a nice body or swag, or know
for a fact if he's someone thathis girl would be looking at.
So a dude is doing the samething.
When he sees a nice looking guy, he look over at his shorty to
(24:22):
see what she looking at and seehow she's reacting to it.
So, on both sides of the fence,when you and your spouse are on
vacation, do you get a pass to?
You know, not flirt, but havethe wands are in us so you could
stand.
Spend that extra.
You know three to five secondswith the extra.
Look okay.
(24:43):
Second question when you're in arelationship, is telling your
partner I love you important orshould it be readily assumed?
When you're in a committedrelationship, is saying I love
you necessary or is it somethingthat should be readily assumed?
(25:06):
Now, for me, when you're in aserious relationship, it should
definitely be visible, withoutsaying, by your actions and some
of the little things you do.
You know, but I don't knowabout you.
I need to hear it Like.
It makes me feel good andwanted and appreciated and it
(25:27):
lets me know that we're both onthe same page and to me it's a
verbal sign of your desire tostay together.
Now, some people don't like tosay it and other people have
never heard it before or havenever been told that before, so
they really can't muster up thewords or can't identify what
(25:47):
love is for them, so they don'thave the capacity to articulate
those words with meaning behindthem, right?
So see how that plays out foryou.
Is saying I love you and yourrelationship really important?
Or, you know, if we're in acommitted relationship and we're
together, is that just kind ofis what it is, it's readily
assumed.
So last question Now, fellas,this happens to you all the time
(26:12):
, so you can tune in on thisquestion.
So I'm going to pose this to thewomen and you can sit there and
look at her in her face likeshe crazy.
So, ladies, you're in the moodand you come on to your man and
you ready for playtime, and hesays that he's not in the mood.
(26:35):
Look at your face, ladies.
You look at your man and you inthe mood, you ready to get it
in, and he says he's not in themood.
What do you say?
Now?
That's what I said, fellas.
That happens to you all thetime.
So look her right in the face.
Real talk, ladies.
(26:56):
How would you feel if youturned to your man and you
wanted to get it in and he toldyou he wasn't in the mood?
Now I'm an adult, so I'm matureenough to factor in whether or
not you had a hard day or hedoesn't feel well, or he didn't
sleep much last night, right,but for the most part, it is
(27:19):
very unlikely for a man to turndown sex, especially spontaneous
sex, right one time might notbe an issue, but a pattern would
definitely be concerning, notjust because of cheating
thoughts starting to run throughyour mind.
(27:39):
But then you go into questionwhether or not there's something
wrong with you or whether ornot he's still attracted to you.
Right, and for me it's asurefire way to feel unwanted
and undesirable.
But again, I say, there arecertain circumstances where you
(28:00):
can kind of be granted a pass,right.
Okay, family, that's it for me.
Again, I want to thank you foryour support and your patience
and I just ask that you continueto keep me and my family in
prayer and, as always, I do thesame for you and until next time
(28:22):
, remember, as long as you havelife you still have time to make
(28:58):
your dreams for clarity andstrategy reach out to the
Turnaround Project.
Speaker 3 (29:02):
Our life coaches are here to help you on your journey
to getting better, doing betterand being better.
Turnaround Project Helpingindividuals learn to help
themselves.
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