Who Gets a Seat at Your Table? Curating Your Life with Clarity, Care, and Courage

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Pull up a chair and take a breath—then ask the question most of us avoid: who gets a seat at your table, and why? In this solo episode, I treat your table as a living metaphor for your energy, time, and love—and names what it takes to protect that sacred space without apology.

We get practical fast. You’ll hear clear, compassionate scripts for late-night crisis friendships, boundary-pushing relatives, and overflowing workloads, plus a four-part framework to sort who stays, who stands, and who moves to the balcony. We’ll also map the patterns that signal it’s time to edit your guest list (erosion, explosions, stagnation), and explore courageous hope vs. brittle hope—how to tell when optimism fuels growth and when it keeps you auditioning for a relationship that only exists in imagination.

Along the way, we return to three anchors—character, consistency, and care—because chemistry alone can’t carry a connection that refuses to evolve. There’s room here for nuance and grace: some people have good character but limited capacity; “not now” can be an act of love. You’ll hear closure rituals that soothe the nervous system and a reminder not to panic-fill empty chairs—leave space so better fits can find you. And we turn the mirror gently: be the guest you want to host.

Protecting your table is protecting your life. Curate with clarity, and you make room for relationships that truly nourish.

If this resonated, share it with a friend who’s learning to protect their own table, follow the show, and leave a review. Tell us on Instagram @DanielleSmithTV and @HopeComesToVisit which seat you’re reclaiming or which value gets a reserved chair next.

Thank you for listening to Hope Comes to Visit. If this conversation helps, follow the show, share it with someone who needs hope today, and leave a review - it helps others find their way to these conversations.

New episodes drop every Monday, so you can begin your week with a little light and a lot of hope.

For more stories, reflections, and ways to connect, visit www.DanielleElliottSmith.com or follow along on Instagram @daniellesmithtv and @HopeComestoVisit

Episode Transcript

Danielle Elliott Smith (00:00):
I had to ask myself, why am I still
feeding people who only take?
It isn't that I don't want themto eat.
I just don't want them at mytable.
Welcome friends.
I'm Danielle Elliott Smith, andthis is Hope Comes to Visit, a

(00:21):
place where we name the hardthings and notice how we grow
around them.
I'm really grateful you'rehere.
For today's episode, I want toinvite you to my table.
Come sit with me.
We're friends, right?
Or for the purposes of ourconversation, maybe you want to
think about your own table.
Picture a long table set fordinner.

(00:42):
Warm light, place cards, thekind of table where stories
spill over, and laughter is thevery best currency.
You might have wine or beer atyour table.
I mean, I'd be happy to serveit to you if you were sitting
with me, but of course I won'tbe drinking it.
But I definitely have somethingfun to drink.
At your table, your life, whosits with you, who eats with

(01:06):
you, laughs with you, speakslife over you, who cheers with
you, for you?
When my daughter was little, Itold her she deserves
cheerleaders as friends, peoplewho will be as excited for her
about big moments as she is.
People she will celebrate justas much.

(01:27):
So who holds space and listens?
Who is there when you needthem?
Can you picture your table?
Maybe the harder question iscan you picture who no longer
belongs at your table?
Today we're talking about thetable as a metaphor for your

(01:48):
energy, your attention, yourlove, and the brave, very brave,
necessary, also necessary, verynecessary work of curating who
gets a seat, not from cruelty,but from clarity, not from
punishment, for protection, forpeace, for growth.

(02:10):
Take a deep breath with me.
In and out.
Now listen carefully.
Your table is a sacred space.
My table is a sacred space.
Our tables are a sacred space.
It's where our time, ourpresence, and our hearts are
served.
But the truth we forget, we setthe table.

(02:33):
We choose the guest list.
And we can change it at anytime.
That's worth repeating.
You can change who sits at yourtable, who has a place at your
in your life at your table atany time.
But why do we forget?
Because we're taught to benice, to be loyal, to be the

(02:54):
good person, to be the biggerperson.
We confuse being kind withbeing available.
We confuse history and destiny.
And sometimes we confuseintensity with intimacy.
The older I get, the moreself-work I do, the stronger I
feel about all of this, and themore adamant I become about who

(03:16):
gets to sit at my table.
You are valuable and importantand sacred.
And so is your time and yourenergy.
Here's a simple compass.
How do you feel after aninteraction?
That's data.
Do you feel seen or scanned?
Do you feel lighter or heavier?

(03:36):
Do you feel nourished or pickedover?
If you consistency leave,consistently leave an exchange
feeling smaller, tenser, or lessyourself, that's your body
whispering this seat is costingyou too much.
Sacred doesn't always meansoft.

(03:58):
Sacred means protected.
When something is sacred, youdon't just let anyone handle it.
That includes your heart, yourtime, and your energy.
And I think we forget that.
We forget how important and howvaluable it is to be monitoring
that and keeping it sacred.
It's so important to recognizewhen it's time to let go.

(04:21):
Not everyone who started withyou is meant to stay with you.
Some seats are seasonal.
The love, the memories, thelessons.
They count.
Of course they count.
The season has just shifted.
You may have heard the phrasefor a season, a reason, or a
lifetime.
It's a good one to remember,and there are lots of people who

(04:42):
fall into those categories.
But there are three patternsthat likely signal it's time for
you to move on.
The first is the erosion of arelationship.
There isn't one big blow up,but rather tiny cuts over time.
You start to notice jokes atyour expense.
People are canceling plans fordinner, or there's chronic

(05:02):
unreliability.
Trust is a slow leak, but it'snext to impossible to repair.
Then there is explosion.
You know what this is.
This is when there is a ruptureor something, a huge fight.
It's named but not repaired.
Maybe there's a big argument.
Maybe somebody apologizes, butthere's no change.

(05:23):
It's a bunch of big words, butno new behavior.
And then finally, simplystagnation.
The relationship has no growth,no curiosity, no reciprocity.
You feel as though you're theonly one who ever reaches out.
You need to know you're allowedto outgrow a dynamic that won't
evolve with you.

(05:43):
There are people who were oncein my life who fall into all
three of these categories.
Sometimes we try to hang on outof loyalty or fear.
Maybe we focus on the number ofyears we've had together, or we
want to believe better ofsomeone who continues to
disappoint us or demonstrate alack of character.
But it's important to rememberthat choosing yourself is not

(06:06):
selfish.
I'm going to say that again foryou.
Choosing yourself is notselfish.
I had to ask myself, why am Istill feeding people who only
take?
It isn't that I don't want themto eat.
I just don't want them at mytable.
It's okay to let go of peoplewho constantly ask to borrow
money but never pay it back.
The people who have a looserelationship with the truth, the

(06:29):
people who can't seem tocelebrate you, despite your
willingness to do so for them.
And I get it.
Letting go is painful, but sois sitting at a table where you
are not being fed, you are notbeing nourished.
Sometimes the grief of goodbyeis the price of reclaiming your
life.
Think about that.
There's grief there, but youare getting something back.

(06:52):
Keep in mind that sometimeshope can be harmful.
There's courageous hope, andthen there's brittle hope.
Courageous hope tells the truthand makes a plan.
Brittle hope begs and bargainsand pleads and keeps you
auditioning for a relationshipthat only exists in your
imagination.
If your hope requires you toignore your body, to hide your

(07:16):
needs, or rewrite reality,that's not hope.
That's harm.
It's a sign that a seat at yourtable needs to change.
So this is a good time for usto talk about boundaries.
We've heard of those, right?
Because that's how we start tochange the seats at our table.
Remember that boundaries aren'twalls, they're invitations that

(07:37):
say, this is how love worksbest for me.
Boundaries define theconditions for connection, what
we can give, what we canreceive, and what we'll do when
people reach those limits.
Let's talk examples.
God knows we can all appreciatea little guidance when it comes
to setting boundaries withfamily and friends, and even at
work.
So I came up with a fewscenarios to talk through.

(08:00):
So what happens if you have afriend who only calls when
they're in crisis?
And well, it seems as thoughtheir crisis only happens in the
middle of the night.
This is an example of feelingused and unappreciated.
Every time you see their name,you get that tightness in your
chest.
So what do you say?
Here's an example.

(08:20):
I love you.
And I want us to feel goodafter we talk.
I can't keep doing late nightcrisis calls.
I'm available before eighto'clock.
I can check in more fully onSunday, but let's make a list of
other people you can call ifyou need immediate support.
There are alternatives to that,of course, right?
So, but letting them know thatyou care and you're available,

(08:42):
but you're not on call.
Okay, so what about family?
Have you ever had someone inyour family who feels a touch
too generous with their advice?
Maybe about your parenting oryour appearance or your career
path or your currentrelationship.
Yeah, same, me too.
So how do you set a healthyboundary?
Thinking about, you know, theholidays coming up.

(09:04):
I'm not available for commentsabout my body or my relationship
or the career path I've chosen.
If we're gonna keep doing that,I'm happy to leave early, but
I'd love to stay and enjoy thenight.
But you're letting people know,you're setting that boundary
and you're saying, I'm here forthe good talk, I'm not doing

(09:25):
this.
So, what about work?
When work starts to makeeverything your priority and you
aren't sure how it's going tobe possible to get it all done.
I mean, unless cloning becomesan option.
So you've got all this piledup, and then they add this, so
you can say, look, I'm alwayshappy to help.
But I need a clear deadline,and I need to know what I can

(09:49):
deprioritize in order to makethese new things happen.
Otherwise, I'm gonna keep theoriginal scope and the original
list, and we'll go from there.
You have to remember thatboundaries are love with a
backbone.
It's basically you saying, Ican't feed you here anymore.
It's not cruelty, it's clarity.

(10:09):
It protects dignity, yours andtheirs.
Now, if you aren't quite surehow you're feeling about a
particular friendship, it's timefor a little discernment.
Maybe you've got too manypeople at your table and you're
thinking, not sure how I feelabout that.
I mean, I feel like maybe I'llinclude them.
Maybe it's fine to keep them.

(10:30):
If you've got a pen handy, youcan take a few notes.
Otherwise, you can alwaysre-listen.
Um, there's a four simple waysto start to help yourself to
gauge where these relationshipstruly stand with you.
First, simple feeling test.
Okay.
This is a scale of one to 10.
Do you feel lighter or heavierafter you spend time with this
person?
Okay.
So you walk away from thatinteraction and you think, God,

(10:53):
that person filled me up.
That's a 10.
That person left me drained,that's a three.
You're keeping track of thoseratings for the next few times
you see them and the pattern isgoing to tell you the truth,
right?
So are you keeping a seat forthat person or are you thinking,
maybe not so much?
Next, you're going to askyourself, if my table only had
six chairs, who absolutelystays?

(11:15):
Who becomes standing room only?
Who are you moving to thebalcony?
Scarcity is going to clarifyyour priorities.
Your life has a real capacity.
You need to honor it.
We only have so much time andso much energy.
We need to give it to the rightpeople.
Now, time for a look in themirror.

(11:36):
Do the people at your tablereflect the values that you're
living toward, not just thehistory you share.
It's possible to outgrowpeople.
So you want to look foralignment in the three C's:
character, consistency, andcare.
Chemistry alone is not enough.
That's one to keep in mind ifyou're thinking about those
relationships, those uh intimaterelationships.

(11:57):
And finally, what qualities inyou have been fed too much?
Are you people pleasing toomuch?
Are you feeling not enough?
Is there too much shame or fearin your life?
It might be time to releasesome of those and then give a
seat back to joy andself-respect.
Now keep in mind, some peoplein your life have great

(12:20):
character, but limited capacityright now in their life.
Maybe they've been sick, maybethere's a new baby in their
life, maybe they've been goingthrough grief.
So you're kind of blessingthem, moving them to the balcony
without making them wrong.
That's love with nuance.
That's not you saying not you,that's saying not now.

(12:40):
If you're struggling to let goof a particular relationship,
that's okay.
Some endings deserve a littlebit of ceremony.
Our nervous systems loveclosure.
Maybe you could write a letterthat you won't send, say what
you valued, say what hurts, saywhat you're choosing now, then
shred it or keep it.
Your choice.

(13:00):
When you clear out seats, itcan feel lonely.
That's normal.
Don't rush to refill your tableout of panic.
Curate with intention.
But until you've created thatspace in your life for these
new, healthy, richrelationships, you will not have
the space or the capacity forthe new and the good.
When we dedicate too muchenergy to people who take and

(13:24):
take and take, there is no roomfor the good to flourish.
Keep in mind it's important foryou to make sure to be the
friend and the guest you want.
Follow through with yourpromises, keep confidences, ask
and listen.
Offer practical help withoutkeeping score.

(13:44):
And my very favorite, be acheerleader.
Celebrate often and out loud.
Your table grows healthier bywho you invite and who you
become.
Protecting your table isprotecting your life.
You deserve to eat alongsidethose who honor you, feed you,

(14:04):
and walk with you.
Anything else?
Let it go.
Thank you so very much forjoining me today on Hope Comes
to Visit.
It is always an honor to haveyou sitting at this table with
me.
If this episode resonated withyou, even a little bit, share it
with someone who's learning toprotect their own table.

(14:24):
You can leave a review, followthe show, and tell me on
Instagram, either onDanielleSmithTV at
DanielleSmithTV or at Hope Comesto Visit one seat you're
reclaiming, or one value you'rereserving a chair for.
Your story, keep in mind,always helps someone else to
feel less alone.
And that's what we love aroundhere.
Community, hope, connection.

(14:46):
I'm so glad you're here.
And until I see you again, makesure you take very good care of
you.
Thank you for being here.