August 14, 2025 • 51 mins
In this powerful episode of Hope Unlocked, Kristin Kurtz welcomes JoBeth Polley, a grief specialist and courageous young widow, who shares her raw and redemptive journey through infertility, foster adoption, and the heartbreaking loss of her husband to terminal brain cancer. JoBeth reveals how God met her in the darkest places, the tools that helped her heal—including equine therapy, coaching, and ice baths—and her mission to walk other women from devastation to hope. If you're navigating grief, trauma, or life after loss, this episode will speak deeply to your soul.
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Website - nwagriefspecialists.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:16):
Welcome to the Hope Unlocked Podcast.
I'm your host, Kristen Kurtz,and I'm also the founder of New
Wings Coaching.
I help and empower wildheartedand adventurous women of faith
feeling caged and stuck, unlocktheir true purpose and potential
, break free from limitationsand thrive with confidence,
courage and hope.
If you're curious to learn moreabout coaching with me, head to
newwingscoachingnet and be sureto explore the show notes for
(00:38):
ways to connect with me further.
Get ready to dive in as weuncover empowering keys and
insights in this episode.
So tune in and let's unlockhope together.
Welcome to the Hope Unlockedpodcast.
I'm Kristen Kurtz, your host.
I pray this episode is like aholy IV of hope for your soul.
Please help me.
Welcome Jo Beth Pauly to theshow.
I'm very excited to have herhere today.
(01:00):
We just got to know each othera little bit better before the
show got started and I know thatshe has a testimonial that is
going to bring hope to so manytoday.
So, Jo Beth, would you be opento sharing a little bit about
yourself before we get started?
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Yeah, so I am now a grief specialist, so what I do
is I walk women through somereally deep, dark times in their
life.
My goal with each person is toget them from a place where they
feel no hope, they see no light, into a place where they can
feel okay again.
(01:35):
And a lot of times that meanshealing relationships, their
relationship with God, and a lotof times it's just healing from
the hurt, from loss, whetherthat be death or divorce or
diagnosis or disaster, whateverit may be just walking them
through that time in their life.
(01:57):
It can be really devastating topeople and there's not a whole
lot of places that are scarierto be than a place where there's
no hope, and I really enjoygetting to hold people's hands
and walking them through that.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
That's so beautiful.
How long have you been doingthis work?
Speaker 2 (02:14):
A little over a year.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
Oh, it's been a year.
Okay, yeah, and what led youinto this work?
I love that you.
I feel like this is a really Idon't know many people who do
this work to be honest with yououtside of.
You know, maybe a counselor ora therapist, so maybe tell us,
like, what brought you into it?
Speaker 2 (02:40):
And then what does a grief specialist kind of mean?
Yeah, so I mean I got to takeyou back to like 2008, when I
was graduating high school and I, you know you're supposed to
know what you want to do whenyou're 18, which is crazy.
I know it's kind of like whomade that up?
But I was like I rememberdriving and I was just like man,
I don't, I don't know what Iwant to do with my life and I
was like I know I want to helppeople.
(03:01):
And then my very next thoughtwas you haven't been through
anything.
Like you can't help peoplebecause you, like, they're going
to look at you and be like youhaven't even gone through
anything.
And I was like, ah, good point.
Um, so I was like I'll justlike, I'll go into teaching, was
kind of like I'll go intoteaching so that way, like I'm
in position to help people, um,and so I went into teaching and
(03:24):
my husband and I got married in2011.
And a couple years later, wedecided it was time to start a
family, and so we were reallyexcited about that.
And each month, I just keptgetting negative pregnancy tests
and like what the heck ishappening?
Like he's healthy, I'm healthy.
Like what's the problem?
And months and months went byand finally we were like
(03:47):
something's wrong, likesomething's not exactly like it
should be or we would bepregnant already.
And so we, um, went to thedoctor, found out that we would
not be able to have kids.
It was like very much a um, alike was not going to be able to
happen.
And so we did.
(04:10):
We went through, like all theinfertility treatments that were
available in the United Statesand, um, it was just like it was
just one no, after the other,like it didn't work, sorry, it
didn't work, sorry, like itdidn't work, like over and over
again, and we just kind of just,you know, eventually just gave
(04:32):
up.
And there was a time when it wasreally dark and really like
just sad, and I went to a silentretreat type place where it was
just me and the lady that waskind of there for support and
stuff and just stayed there fora day and was praying.
And it was just like God, likeI don't know, like how come
you've given me this desire butyou haven't given me a baby?
(04:55):
Like that doesn't make sense.
And there's really praying thatyou know, if you don't want me
to be a mom, then, like, takethe desire from my heart.
And so I was just praying andpraying, and praying and God
spoke to me and said there's alittle girl that needs you more
(05:18):
than you need to be a mom.
And I was like okay, and likein my, in this moment, like I
saw a girl that like look like Idon't know, she was like maybe
two or three and she had likedark hair, and I was like I was
like okay, so I just like kindof like dusted my hands off and
got up.
It's like okay, like this, this.
We're not going to adopt a babyand we're not going to excuse
(05:40):
me, we're not going to keeptrying with the infertility
stuff.
And so we made the decision toadopt through foster care and so
we started pursuing that andright after we got trained, it
came time to you know where wewere going to start being able
to be matched up with kids, andif you know anything about the
(06:03):
foster care system in the UnitedStates, there's thousands of
kids that are available foradoption and I knew that we was
going to get to pick.
You know that there might beseveral kids that came across,
you know, came to our house, andthat we met up with that.
We, we, that we need.
We needed to know, like Iwanted to know, like, tell me
which one's my kids you know?
(06:24):
And um, I wanted to know like,tell me which ones my kids you
know?
And um, one day we found outthat a friend of a friend was
had just got custody of hergrandkids and she was needing
help babysitting.
And you can't babysit fosterkids unless you're a foster
parent, trained or like anactual, like daycare, and so we
were, um, a very small part of avery small population that
(06:47):
could actually give her somerespite.
And so, um, anyway, so fastforward, she brings the kids
over for us to meet them and, um, the little boy walks through
the door and, just crystal clear, it was that's your son.
And, um, he was not availablefor adoption, we were just
babysitters, that's all we were.
And for the next six months wewere just babysitters, we just
(07:11):
babysat when she needed it.
And then, at that six month mark, it came time for somebody to
for you know the, the grandmawho had them to make a decision
to adopt them or to allow thefoster care system to place them
.
And she was not okay with justletting the foster care system
place them, and she asked.
She said she really wanted themto have a mom and a dad.
(07:31):
And so she asked the adoptionspecialist if it would be okay
if we adopted them, if theycould just go to us and not into
the system, so that she knewwho they were and that they were
with people that loved them andeverything.
And they, uh, dhs, agreed to itand they were placed with us
the next day.
(07:51):
And, um, six months after that,uh, they were adopted and they
were permanently a part of ourfamily.
And so, um, we were like uh,like I would just say a complete
family, like a very solid, likethings felt very stable.
They felt very secure.
About the time of adoption, webought a cattle farm here in
(08:13):
Arkansas.
It was our dream to have a farmand raise our kids on the farm.
And bought the farm and myhusband started building our
house.
And about that time I startednoticing like my husband started
building our house and aboutthat time I started noticing
like my husband was actingdifferent and I didn't really
know why he was acting different.
(08:34):
It's very odd.
He was not being very nice andI was like golly.
I remember in January I wasstanding in my office here with
my best friend and I was like Idon't know how long I can do
this, like this is gettingreally bad.
And because there's just like apersonality change, I was like
I just pretty like just soterrible, sudden kind of um,
(09:00):
over the course of months maybe.
And, um, then one day hestarted getting he had a really
bad headache and couldn't getout of bed and, um, at first I
was like oh, it's COVID.
So I went to the pharmacy and Iwas like I need something.
He's got such a bad headacheand they're like maybe you
should take him to the you knowthe urgent care if he's like so
sick, like it hurts, so bad he'sthrowing up.
And I was like okay, like okay,and he was very anti-doctor and
(09:27):
so I was like you got to go tothe doctor.
He's like six, four, two, 40.
I'm like, yeah, go to thedoctor.
And he's like no, and I waslike got to go to the doctor.
Finally, I was able to like,basically like, bully him and
bully him into getting in thecar.
And so we got in the car, wentto the urgent care.
They ordered a CT anddiscovered a, um, a large mass
(09:47):
on the front of his brain and,um, they were like this is not
good, you need to go to theemergency room right now.
We've called to let them knowyou're coming.
And, um, you know they, they'llget you right in.
We went, got an MRI and withinan hour he was diagnosed with
terminal brain cancer and doctorcame in, gave us a pamphlet on
(10:10):
the cancer, which is calledglioblastoma.
And if anybody is listening,who, like has had that in their
life?
That probably just triggered awhole bunch of that word,
probably just triggered a wholebunch of feelings.
But, um, they gave us apamphlet and, um, I didn't even
know how to say it, say the word, let alone what it was, and it
was a very, very aggressive formof brain cancer that typically,
(10:35):
um use, you know, has a a 12 to16 month prognosis, and so you,
uh, you don't survive it.
And so they handed it back tous, gave him medicine and made
us an appointment to come backto the neurologist next the next
week, and sent us home.
(10:57):
And, uh, we went home with, youknow, a heart full of shattered
dreams and a future, and likethere was nothing.
There was nothing to, I don'tknow, nothing, to look forward
to, nothing, to just a lot offear, um, but at the same time,
I felt confident that God wouldheal him.
(11:17):
Yeah, I knew where my faith wasat and are the people who
surrounded us, and I was likehe'll be, he'll be the one,
he'll be the one that survivesthis.
And I was like he'll be, he'llbe the one, he'll be the one
that survives this.
And I knew it was going to be adark road ahead and I had
already seen his personalitychange, and so it was pretty
grim, honestly.
But, um, we went home tried totry to be as normal with our
(11:39):
kids as possible.
Um and um he.
We decided to go to MD Andersonin Houston cause that was the
best, we felt like the bestplace for him to be.
Um, and even though doctorafter doctor was telling me like
there won't be um, he's notgoing to, to survive this Like,
(12:02):
even though, like, I heard thatlike a couple times a week for
six months, um, I was still justlike, yeah, but it wasn't that
I was in denial.
I had prayed, I was praying, Iwas fasting, our church was
praying and fasting.
Um, I would get videos ofpeople praying for him in other
(12:26):
languages and there are peoplepraying for him around the world
and I was like God's not goingto take him, like he's not going
to take him, like I get liketaking him from me because I'm
okay, like I'll be okay, but why?
Why my kids?
We were, we got to be a familyfor five years.
Why my kids?
We were, we got to be a familyfor five years.
And then this happens, you know, and um, I just had full faith
(12:55):
and just continued to pray andfast and develop a closer
relationship with God.
Um, cause, that was really theonly thing that gave me any kind
of comfort.
Um, so, anyways, so fastforward a year and less than a
year, I guess, 11 months and 20something days.
Um, he passed away and um, just11 months ago.
(13:18):
No, like from diagnosis, okayyeah.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
Can I go back for a second?
Like how was he, during thistime, like you, had full faith
and belief.
Um, how was he like taking thenews and like, what did that
look like for him?
Speaker 2 (13:35):
Um, I have no idea.
I have no idea how he it wasnot something we talked about.
Um, I tried to talk to himabout it because we, um, we had
a farm and a business and twokids and like, like, so much
like construction equipment andwe had lease places with cattle
(13:59):
on it, like four or fivedifferent lease places, and I'm
like we kind of should talkabout some things like.
I know we don't want to, but um,so his tumor was in the front
right part of his brain, whichis where personality is at, and
this is me and my like ignorantoptimism.
But when they told us it was inthe front right part of his
(14:21):
brain, I was like, oh, he'sprobably going to get nicer,
like he's's probably gonna belike I don't know.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
I just like.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
I was just like, oh, this, this could be, this could
be good.
He could be just like so happyand carefree, because he was a
little, you know, like alwayslike thinking about the future
and hustling and like prettystrict, and I was like he may
look lightened up, you know, um,but that was not what happened.
Um, it was not what happened hebecame.
It was like he had um the lastfour months.
(14:55):
It was like he had dementia.
So sometimes he would not knowwhere we were at.
Um, he would do really strangethings.
Um, he would think we were at aknow where we were at.
He would do really strangethings.
He would think we were at acabin when we were at our house,
and so he'd tell the kids likehey, you guys need to go get
your bags packed so we can gohome.
And the kids would be like whatis happening?
(15:16):
Like so freaked out, and thenif they didn't go pack, he would
get very angry, and so it waslike there was a lot of anger
there.
So he was a very quiet,reserved person anyways, and
then, as far as his emotions go,he was very talkative, like
just lit up a room and stuffwhen he came in.
(15:37):
He was so good at that but wasvery, very reserved with his
emotions and didn't talk abouthim.
And so there was thatpersonality trait.
And then there was the factthat there was cancer destroying
that part of his brain.
And then the third part was helike he couldn't even take
Benadryl without likehallucinating before, like he
(16:00):
was so sensitive to medications,like he didn't even take
Tylenol unless something wasreally bad.
And so then they put him onthese extremely high, high doses
of seizure medications, causehe was like, really like it was,
he was at high risk for seizureand he did end up having a
seizure, but they had him onseizure medication, they had him
(16:22):
on steroids, they had him onsomething else three different
kinds of medications and he wasjust like a zombie.
So it was really, it was justreally bizarre.
So I don't know how he handledit or if he even knew.
I know when this is really sad,but, um, when I checked him into
(16:43):
hospice, I didn't want him toknow, okay, I didn't want him to
know, that's where we were atand I was able to get everybody
at hospice to turn their back,like I didn't ask him to.
I was like can we please nottell him he's in hospice, cause
I don't think he knows.
And if he doesn't know it'sokay Like he doesn't.
He doesn't know anything, soit's not like I don't want that
(17:04):
word to trigger anything.
And so the nurses would come inand they would have all taken
their badges off and they didn'twear their logo stuff or
anything around him until he waslike, completely sedated and he
was just so, um, anxious andnervous and confused, um, he was
sedated the last month of hislife, um, because that was the
(17:26):
only way to make sure that hewas not going to harm himself or
somebody else, and so I don'tthink he knew.
I think there was, I thinkthere was about a week there.
He got diagnosed and got savedtwo days later, um, and so yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
Tell us about that.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
So we'd sat in church together for years, like 13, 14
years, and I always knew thathe desired to be saved Like he
wanted that I think he didn'tfeel worthy of the cross you
know and what that meant.
I don't think he, I don't thinkhe felt like he deserved it and
I think it always kept him frommaking that step.
(18:09):
And so when he got diagnosed,um, I, my dad, called me and he
was like you should encouragehim to get, get to be saved.
And I was like I know, but Idon't want to like have that
conversation and my dad's likehe's not going to survive this
(18:31):
because my dad had lost his bestfriend to the exact same cancer
about 20 years prior.
And, um, and I was like, yeah,I was like, yeah, yes, he's
gonna be the one like watch,watch this.
Um, yeah, it was so muchoptimism so you can imagine my
confusion.
Yes, when it didn't, it didn'tdidn't go as I had planned.
(18:56):
Um, so I asked him.
I was like, hey, it's just likereal casual about it.
I was like I know you like kindof want to do this, but like,
um, what do you think about youknow, going and being baptized
and being saved or whatever?
And he was like.
He was like, yeah, he's like.
I was actually just thinkingabout that and he was like so
(19:17):
he's like let's go.
And I said do you want to gotoday or tomorrow, cause we were
going to go meet with apreacher and he was going to be
baptized.
And he was like today, and weboth had COVID.
So when we went to, we went tothe doctor and they COVID tested
him because I thought he hadCOVID.
And that night after we'd gothome, we received the diagnosis.
(19:41):
And we got home, the nursecalls and she was like hey, this
is so-and-so from Dr.
Whoever she was like, I justwant to tell you we got Travis's
COVID tests back and he testedpositive, so he has COVID.
And I was like he doesn't haveCOVID, he has brain cancer,
thank you, like that's not whathe has.
And so, um, the next morning Iwoke up sick as a dog, I had
(20:06):
COVID, and so we both had COVIDAnyway.
So we were like, um, we, hewanted to be baptized, and the
preacher that we want he wantedto baptize him was, um, an old
man, and I was like we haveCOVID.
And he was like I don't care.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
I love that yes.
Something trying to keep youfrom it and he's just like, no,
that's not going to stop me Loveit.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
And I had no, I had no like reservation that he I
mean I know I didn't think for asecond he would say no, but he
was like an older man.
I mean if he would have gotCOVID it could have been really
bad for him, but he was justlike absolutely not bring him
let's go.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
So it was really cool .
Speaker 2 (20:44):
And so he was.
He was baptized and went toBible study with some friends
and I know he was very deep inhis prayer life but he was very
private.
So I don't, I don't know, but Ido.
I do know there was a few weeksor a couple of months that he
knew he was probably not goingto live, but after that I don't
know.
I definitely don't think heknew the last three or four
(21:05):
months, because he asked me if I, if he was in a retirement home
when we were at hospice and Iwas like, no, we're here to get
your medicine fixed so you canfeel better.
And because when we put him inhospice they gave me morphine
and they're like you can givehim this morphine.
I was like, no, I can't.
(21:26):
And they were like and likethis is how you need to get him
up and get him out of bed and tothe bathroom and stuff, because
when you give him morphine hemight not get up or whatever.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
And I'm like I'm sorry and you're supposed to get
him up on morphine.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
I know I look at his sister and I'm like what is?
this that's not going to workfor me, I'm sorry.
Which they they?
You know they hospice isn'tsupposed to take people, I don't
(22:02):
think, unless they're, like,really close to the end and the
doctors had told me that he wasprobably four months away from
passing when I had to gethospice involved because he had
they.
The doctors at MD Anderson saidhe probably needed to go to,
like, um, a mental institutiontype place because he was so
confused and I was like I'm notputting my husband in a mental
institute because he has braincancer.
And then I was like but like Ican't keep him here Cause I
(22:23):
can't, like I'm like I wassleeping with my hand on him at
night so if he got up I couldfollow him and it was like, and
at nighttime the personalitywould change.
It was just, it was so terriblehonestly, um, and I think I made
the right decision he diedquicker cause we pulled him off
all of his medications, um, buthe, he passed away like probably
(22:47):
three months before he wouldhave otherwise he passed away
naturally, but he, we weren'tpumping all these drugs into him
to prolong a really longsuffering death.
And that was a hard it was.
It was not a hard decision tomake.
It was a sad decision to make,um, but it was very easy to say,
(23:08):
cause, I mean, it was like mygosh if he was here and he was
aware of the level of sufferingthat's happening with him and
all of us like he would not wantto prolong this.
And so, and I was the one whowas calling the shots, and so
that's what we did, and hepassed away in hospice, and it
was um.
Being there at hospice was awonderful, wonderful experience,
(23:29):
um, they loved on me andsupported me and my kids and um
through a really, really darktime and um, so I remember
sitting at my kitchen table andI was like this was before he
died.
But when I knew he was dying, Iwas like if I can figure out
how to survive this which.
(23:49):
I will.
I will take as many womenthrough this as I possibly can.
I will blaze a trail and figurethis out because I am not the
first in a long line of manythat will have come before me
and will come after me.
Widowhood is pretty common.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
Well, and how old are you now?
Speaker 2 (24:13):
34.
I was 32 when he passed away.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
You were 32.
Very young, I mean have youconjured a lot of young wives.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
I haven't worked with a ton.
I mean several widows, but Ihaven't worked with anybody
that's close to my age.
Speaker 1 (24:32):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
Maybe one might be close to my age, but most of
them are, like you know, 50s.
It's not me.
It's not super common to bewidowed at this age, yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
Yeah, I mean, like you said, to blaze a trail and
you know I talk a lot aboutbeing a trailblazer and talking
to a lot of trailblazers and Ithink the hardest part and you
could probably agree with me, weall have different things that
we're trailblazing in.
Um, I have a different realmthat I'm walking in, but to
trailblaze you have to, like,cut through a trail, you're
(25:04):
gonna get really dark and it canbe really lonely, it can be
confusing, it can be really dark, um, so I wanted you to just
maybe share a little bit moreabout that.
Did you have anybody walkingalongside you, like, who was
coming alongside you?
I know you said that thehospice was really supportive,
(25:24):
but who came alongside you?
Did people know how to like bewith you during this time,
because it's challenging, likedeath is challenging.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
Cause it's challenging, Like death is
challenging, yeah.
So I uh was an athlete majorityof my life and I'm like, okay,
when you want to win a statechampionship, you gotta have a
coach.
When you want to, you know,change anything, you gotta have
a coach.
And I was like I need atherapist, I gotta have a
therapist.
So it was kind of you know,change anything, you got to have
(25:55):
a coach.
And I was like I need atherapist, I gotta have a
therapist.
So it's kind of, you know, Ifeel truly like it was a God
thing.
But I had a friend.
She was like I do she's likeequine therapy.
I did equine therapy with someof my foster kids and I was like
, okay, cool, and I was likeI'll call them.
And so I called and talked tothe lady and she was like why
don't't you come out and likesee the, see the ranch and stuff
(26:18):
, and like you know, kind of getto know me a little bit.
And, um, I was like I was likeokay, sounds good, so call my
friend.
I was like, hey, just talk toKim.
I was like where you go nextweek?
And she was like that lady'sname ain't Kim.
I was like yeah, it is, and shewas like no, she's like it's
this place.
And I had called the wrongplace, Um, but it was still a
(26:38):
horse place, Cause that's what Ihad searched and I could only
find one, and it was this one.
He was my my therapist, who'salso a coach.
Um lost her husband at 30, hadchildren that were adopted and,
um, the first like few sessions,she was like there's several
sessions.
She's like I don't want to talkabout money, I just want to
help you guys through the nextfew months.
So we went every week and itwas a high, the highlight of the
(27:02):
week for me and the kids.
They would go to basketballlessons with their trainer and
then we'd go have therapy andthen we'd go to our favorite
Mexican restaurant and it wasjust a really positive day,
Cause we always felt better whenwe left therapy.
But I was like and excuse mefor my bluntness, but I was like
I'm not an idiot, I've neverdone this before, I don't know
(27:24):
how to do it, and so I'm goingto find somebody who's going to
help me through this and myhusband had life insurance
because we were smart.
People all the time are likeyou're lucky and I'm like no, we
protected our assets.
So, um, we, we.
That was a very consciousdecision.
(27:45):
We didn't win the lottery.
I would say we lost the lottery.
Okay, If anything, like we didnot win anything by losing him,
Um, but anyways.
So I was like I have money topay for therapy, for coaching.
I'm going to use it on this and,um, she helped me the first six
months they're the six monthsbefore he passed in six months
(28:05):
after, seven, eight months after, and then I just didn't need
need her as much anymore.
Um, so that was a huge part ofit.
Um, I also told her that Iwanted to expedite my healing
process and she laughed at me.
She was like.
She was like you can't do thatand I was like watch me.
(28:26):
I was like this is miserable.
I was like I am miserable.
I wake up sad, I go to bed sad.
I wake up in the middle of thenight sad.
I work sad, I play sad.
I'm like I don't, I don't wantto do this.
I was like I cry all the timebecause I don't want to do this
longer than I have to.
And so I became an expert ongrief for myself, not for you,
(28:49):
not for anybody else.
I was just like this is justabout as terrible as I could
imagine.
Lost my desire to live,couldn't even like.
I just like looked at my kidsand would be like that should be
funny and I'm just blankstaring at them.
This is a great childhood forthem.
I'm like this is not good andso I threw everything at it,
(29:11):
everything.
People are like what did you do?
And I'm like everything.
Therapy Everything.
People are like what did you do?
And I'm like everything.
Therapy, yes, every single weekthat I read books, yes, and no.
Um, I believe that at the core,we all know what we need to do
and if you have a coach that islike you're bouncing ideas off
of like um and kind ofnavigating stuff with, I don't
(29:36):
think you need to be buried inbooks.
You can over consume reallyeasily and be like and now I
don't know what to do.
Um, so I was.
I I leaned in hard to God andlisten.
I didn't know how to talk tohim after my husband died.
Um, I promised him when myhusband got sick that, no matter
(29:57):
what, I was not going to leave.
I was not going to leave him.
God, like I was not goinganywhere.
Um, and I and I reaffirmed thatto him daily I am here, you can
take him, you can heal him.
I'm not going anywhere.
And some days that look like aday of prayer, just constantly,
(30:17):
like first words out of my mouthin the morning Jesus, like are
you there?
Like I need you here before Ican get out of bed.
Okay, okay, we're good, let'sgo.
But also there was a lot ofdays where my prayers just
sounded like hey, god, I'm hereand fully aware that I should be
thankful for probably a billionthings, but I can't say thank
(30:41):
you right now, but I just wantyou to know, I'm here and that's
it.
I'm here.
And that was months and months,and then I got really curious
about who God really was,because he had been there with
me and I'm like, oh, like, Iwant to know you more.
And so there was an intimacythat grew there.
Um, but I was taking ice bathsbecause I was looking at raising
(31:04):
two kids who came out of fostercare, which can be really
challenging.
Um, I'm raising these kids.
Totally intended to do thatwith my husband.
I'm raising them by myself, andI have a farm and a whole bunch
of cows that I really don't havea desire to do anything with
(31:25):
and I don't know what to do withthem, and which my dad was
really helpful, but at the endof the day, it was my
responsibility.
Had a construction company.
Speaker 1 (31:53):
It was my responsibility I had a think of,
so tell us more about that forthose who, like me, are like oh
no, please, don't like what.
What led you to the ice?
Speaker 2 (32:06):
Um it just people talking about the just it.
It heals and it grounds you andit resets you and it reduces
inflammation and it doessomething to your brain.
That's like um, it's like areset, but also a motivation
thing.
I can't really explain like allthe benefits of it.
Um, I don't do them anymore,although I'm really like into
(32:26):
like trying to get myself backto doing them.
But during that time I had to um, and what happened was I knew
that the road ahead for me wasgoing to be rough.
This is going to be really hard.
And so I was like I'm justgoing to start out every day
doing the hardest thing I'll doall day.
(32:47):
And so that was getting in theice.
And so I knew when I got out ofthe ice, I was like, okay,
ain't nobody else getting in theice before seven o'clock in the
morning, and so I'm like I itwas empowering and I went,
walked out into the worlddifferently because of it,
because I was like I'm tougherthan pretty much everybody.
(33:07):
You know whether that was trueor not, I don't know, but I was
like it was.
I would do it and just remindmyself who I was and how tough I
was and how I wasn't afraid ofsuffering and I wasn't afraid of
pain and I wasn't afraid ofbeing uncomfortable, and those
are, those are the things thatwere going through my head while
I was in the ice was like ain'tnothing going to stop me.
Speaker 1 (33:28):
Yeah, like you're reading your tenacious
statements over yourself.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:33):
And the kids.
The kids had to be trained,Cause it would sound like.
I was dying you know, likegasping for air, like screaming,
like you know, and I would belike I'm going to be in here and
I'm probably you're probablygoing to hear me breathing,
(33:54):
cause I mean, it just sucks theair out of you.
Um, I was like do not comecheck on me.
Speaker 1 (34:03):
I can imagine your kids like oh my gosh is mom Okay
?
No, mom is not okay, it'll beall right Now did you have them
do this too?
Speaker 2 (34:13):
Heck, no.
No, my son does cold showers,but he's his choice because he
started seeing that I was doingit and that I was really cool,
just kidding.
Speaker 1 (34:25):
So for you, this was one of your keys.
The Lord brought you to otherkeys.
You had therapy and coaching,and for those who don't maybe
understand or know what therapyand coaching is, there's a
difference between the two.
But since we're both coaches,maybe you want to just share a
little bit of kind of what thiswoman did for you, as you were
(34:48):
like in sessions with her.
Speaker 2 (34:50):
Yeah, it was.
It was just how do we getthrough the next seven days till
I see you again?
And that looked different everysingle week.
Some days it was navigatingrelationships with extended
family, some days it was what doI do with his clothes?
Like, what do I do with youknow this or that?
Or how do I process, like, orhow do I, you know?
(35:14):
Like one thing she told me andthis and this is a very like
coach thing but she was likecause I'm raising these two kids
and like it's, it's not fun,honestly, and I'm just like
drowning and trying to like keepthem from drowning, like it
didn't make sense.
Um, but it was really hard andlike, like I said, not a lot of
fun.
And she was like you need tocheck into the mental health
(35:38):
hotel at least once a month.
And the mental health hotel wasany hotel.
I wanted to do whatever Iwanted for the time that I was
there, and so I started doingthat.
I mean, I think that's a verycoach thing to do is to see a
need and to find a solutionthat's doable for you.
And so I would go one day amonth.
I would check in at like four,check out at 11 the next day I
(35:58):
would eat pizza in bed and Iwould get ice cream and I would
watch.
You know, just watch movies andsleep and just kind of just let
just get a break for a second.
But that's what coaching is.
It's it's making lifemanageable and helping you hit
those goals.
That like, like I said, I thinkwe all know what we need, but
(36:21):
she gave me permission.
Speaker 1 (36:23):
Like.
Speaker 2 (36:23):
I felt guilty for leaving my kids Like I don't
want to leave.
I hadn't left them since hedied, Like you know.
Are they going to be afraid ofnever coming back, which they
haven't.
I'm thankful for that, butthat's a thing.
Are they going to be afraid ofnever coming back, which they
haven't?
I'm thankful for that.
But that's a thing you knowwhen you lose one parent, you
think the other one might dietoo.
It's just kind of a feeling youhave.
But guess what?
(36:44):
My kids were fine, Guess what,they didn't miss me and they
enjoyed grandma's house and itwas good.
And I came back like, oh okay, Ican do this, I can do this, I
can go another few weeks and dothis again.
But coaching really, just, youknow, gives you confidence and
permission and a plan and andthe accountability you know,
(37:07):
cause it's like, am I going togo back to Kim next week
complaining about how stressedout I am after I didn't do what
she told me to do last week?
Like no, like what?
What's the point of paying her?
I'm going to just ignore herhelp.
So there's accountability there, because you're handing over
money and you're like okay, it'sa little bit more motivation.
But people who are like I'mgoing to you know, do this
(37:30):
myself I'm like great, that'sgoing to you're, you might
figure it out, but it it's gonnabe a lot slower.
Speaker 1 (37:42):
I don't know why you want to drag this out.
This is misery, exactly, and,like you said, you wanted to
accelerate the process, whichyou know.
How did I mean?
If you look back, can youimagine not having somebody to
walk alongside you?
Speaker 2 (37:49):
no.
So this is what was happeningas I was talking to my family oh
, oh, don't do that.
I was talking to them about theextreme emotions and thoughts I
was having and they were listen, they were grieving too.
Like they were grieving becausethey were very close with my
husband, and then they weregrieving because I was grieving.
(38:12):
My mom told me she was like youcan't imagine how it felt
watching you grieve, like as amother, and like not being able
to do anything about it.
And so she was carrying thatPlus.
I was reaching out to her,sharing my pain, and there was
anything she could do.
She was not trained, she wasnot equipped to handle that.
Neither was my sister, and so Iwas bringing that to them and
(38:36):
they couldn't handle it.
And so, like your familydoesn't deserve that, like they
don't, they don't know how evenif your parent is a therapist,
like you just go dump yourgarbage on them and then expect
them to just walk away, notbeing affected by it.
(38:56):
It's really.
It's really unfair.
But I think people who don'treach out to coaches and
therapists that's like that'swho they reach out to or they
overuse friends.
That's another thing I see a lotof women who are like I've lost
all my friends and I'm like,well, I can't imagine why.
Probably because you sit andyou gripe and complain to them
and you're grieving all overthem and they don't know how to
(39:17):
help you.
So they distance themselvesLike I don't know, I don't know
what to do for you, you know,and it's like that's kind of
harsh, but I see that so muchwhere women are like you know
they're five years down the roadand have nobody to talk to
because they've overusedfriendships for something
they're really weren.
And I think friends are soimportant, so valuable, and but
(39:41):
like let's not put jobs on themthat they can't handle.
That's not fair.
Speaker 1 (39:45):
Yeah, I think this is such an important conversation
to have to like to bring thisinto the light that we actually
need neutral people.
Speaker 2 (39:55):
Yeah, yeah for sure they're not they're not.
Speaker 1 (39:57):
They're like you know they maybe are a couple
separated.
They're not, they're like youknow they maybe are a couple
separated.
You know that could be.
You know your cousin's, youknow friend's, grandma or
somebody.
But when it comes to the peoplein your close circle, yeah,
like you said, not everybody ismeant to do that work with you
(40:28):
no-transcript.
Speaker 2 (40:32):
Right, and they're probably not going to listen to
you, Even if you did saysomething.
I mean like if my mom or sisterwas to give me advice.
Speaker 1 (40:37):
I'd be like have you ever been in my shoes?
Yeah, so take this word thatthat Jo Beth has shared,
especially in this realm.
Find people Like if you're inthis realm walking through grief
, reach out to Jo Beth, right,this is an area that is complex,
like I'm a coach, but if I wereto find somebody that comes
(41:01):
along my path who needs somebodyto grief coach, I would not
take somebody on in that realmbecause it's not what I've
walked through.
Yeah, I have in some degrees,but, um, so, as you're again, so
you you're working with um thiscoach and it's I'm so I'm just
so glad that you had somebody inyour corner during that time.
(41:22):
So tell us a little bit more,like even on the kids
perspective, like how, how didthey do, like what did you?
How did you have like extrasupport in your corner for them?
Speaker 2 (41:36):
So with as a family.
So people ask this all the timeand it's so complicated, it's
just, it's not.
It's not linear, there's not abook, there's not something that
I could even say, but I do feellike there is something at the
core that is really important,and that is that I don't know if
(41:59):
my kids have already grieved orthey are going to grieve later.
I don't know, like I don't know,I can't really tell with them.
Um, but what I know is that ifwe can normalize having emotions
and letting them feel theiremotions and talk about their
emotions on things that are notrelated to their dad, when time
(42:19):
comes up for them to grieve him,them grieve him.
They already know that it'sokay because they've done it in
other ways with other things andthey they're prepared and
equipped and they have arelationship with me where they
know that I can handle whateveremotions they have.
And so I think for my daughterit's come up as like, like
(42:42):
they're a bird died.
Listen, we live on a farm.
Things die Like.
Our cat kills something everyday, so it's like death is
pretty normal.
But there was a blue jay lastyear that died, it from the cat
(43:02):
and, uh, she had it for a day.
She kept him up and with foodand water until it could get the
rest of his wings and stuff,and that was the plan.
What died?
And it wrecked her and everypart of me wanted to be like it
is a bird, like, like.
Why are we crying?
Like you have had major loss inyour life.
This is a bird.
But in my I shut my mouth and Iwas just like, okay, I'm just
(43:23):
going to not talk until thatthought process finishes.
And I was just like.
Then I was like, oh, this isreally sad.
And I was like and then I waslike, in my mind I was like this
isn't about the bird Cause itwas like full body crying like
deep, deep grief and I was like,okay, and so, even though she
(43:46):
didn't have the words to say,like, this is about my dad, like
I really felt like it probablywas, but it felt safer grieving
this bird, and so just like,holding them with open hands,
letting them know everyemotion's okay and so that when
that comes up around their dad,they know that it's safe.
I think that's the best thingyou can do and that is honoring
(44:09):
really small, stupid losses,like oh, I should have said
stupid like the bird, like, likewhen you're like yeah, what if?
I would have been like it was astupid bird.
Get over it.
Well, that said, get over yourfeelings.
Like those are stupid feelings.
Let me know if you have realones.
They're all feelings.
(44:30):
So, um, and I've made my shareof mistakes.
Like I'm not talking some likefrom some throne, of just super
high intelligence, of grief.
Like I'm just saying likethere's a way you want to show
up and that's you know you wantyour kids to feel like there's
no emotion that they are goingto have that's too big for you
to handle and that they canbring that to you.
Speaker 1 (44:51):
That's so good.
I love, I just love your heartfor for your kids, and the ways
that you have just been like.
You continue to rise up right,yeah.
Speaker 2 (45:03):
Yeah, that's the goal every day.
Speaker 1 (45:05):
Many days Um, so it's been how long since he passed.
Speaker 2 (45:12):
Um, it was the very beginning of 23.
So it's been oh my gosh, I'm soweird with time Two and a half
years.
Speaker 1 (45:22):
I have no concept of time.
Speaker 2 (45:24):
It's really weird, like when people ask me that
cause he got he, he passed awaylike the very beginning of 23,
which means like it's like awhole year of 23.
Like it wasn't like it wouldhave been.
It feels like it was 22, whichit really kind of almost was,
and but he died on 2nd ofJanuary 2022.
Speaker 1 (45:43):
Yeah Well, is there anything else that you would
want to share with the listenerstoday?
As we talked about before wegot started, both of us really
have a heart for the one, right?
If you are just thinking ofsomebody right now who's
listening in.
Is there any other words ofencouragement or any keys that
you took from your journey thatyou'd want to share with the
(46:05):
listeners today?
And then I'm going to have youpray us out today if you're open
to that.
Speaker 2 (46:08):
Yeah for sure.
Well, first of all, like Ithink a lot of people get stuck
in confusion and that is not aplace you want to be and I offer
a free 30 minute call, it'sjust out of the goodness of my
heart.
It might be a good idea for youto work with me.
It might not be, but I can giveyou some clarity and give you
like a 30,000 foot view ofwhat's going on and get you
(46:30):
pointed in the right direction.
That might be coaching, therapy, rehab.
I don't know what you need, butI can give you a pretty good
idea after talking to you forabout 15 minutes.
So I want to extend that toanybody who's listening.
But I think the other thing is,just like every day, when you
wake up, remember that you're awarrior and like don't, don't
(46:51):
entertain, that you're a victimor that you're not good enough
or you can't, like I will callmy kids out and I'd be like I'll
be, like you don't cuss in thishouse.
When they tell me they can't,I'm like I don't even want to
hear that, I don't care if it'sthe pickle jar.
There's a way you know, likeyou can do anything.
(47:11):
And so remind yourself of that.
That's a dangerous place to be.
And so have that warriormentality and cling to God.
He's the only one that knows,and, um, he's the ultimate coach
and counselor.
So that is, that is what Iwould say.
Speaker 1 (47:32):
So much, goodness Well, will you pray us out?
Speaker 2 (47:34):
Yeah, for sure dear lord, thank you so much for this
conversation and um forplatforms like this, I just I
think back to when you weretrying to share the good news
and how complicated and hard itwas.
(47:55):
And here we are and we get to um, hop on the video calls with
people from across the world andacross the country and get to
share who you are and how youshow up for us and just want to
thank you for that opportunityand I want to thank you
personally for being a light inmy heart and a guide and a coach
(48:20):
and somebody who loves meunconditionally, so that just
giving me the example of how todo that for others, and I pray
for people who are in deep grief.
It is so easy for people to walkaway from you and I just pray
that today they'll choose towalk towards you, because you
are the Prince of Peace and youare the only truth and comfort
(48:42):
that we're going to find on thisearth.
I just pray that people willwalk towards you or not walk,
but sprint towards you during atime of hurt, and I just pray
that you show them that deepintimacy that you can provide to
them while they're healing.
Lord, and just thank you somuch for the opportunity that we
have to be in this country andto be able to talk so openly
(49:04):
about you and your love and whatyou do for us, and just pray
that this podcast today willreach who needs to hear it, that
lives will be transformed.
In Jesus' name, I pray, amen.
Speaker 1 (49:15):
Amen.
Well, Jo Beth, how can thelisteners reach you?
Beth, how can the listenersreach you?
Speaker 2 (49:19):
The best ways on Facebook, and that is Jo Beth
Polly, p-o-l-l-e-y.
Speaker 1 (49:28):
So I'm pretty certain .
Speaker 2 (49:29):
I'm the only one ever .
I've never met another one, Iknow.
Somebody one day was like whonamed you?
I'm like who named you.
Speaker 1 (49:38):
Your parents.
Speaker 2 (49:40):
That's who names you.
Why would you ask me that?
Speaker 1 (49:43):
I would say something similar to that.
Speaker 2 (49:47):
Who named you the doctor that delivered?
You Don't ask me that, Anyways,yeah.
Jo Beth Pauly on Facebook, butI'm NWA grief specialists with
an S and that's my.
I'm also on Instagram, Facebook, and that's also my website, so
you guys can find me there, butI prefer Facebook.
Speaker 1 (50:06):
Awesome.
Well, I'll go ahead and addyour contact information in the
show notes, and thank you forbeing a brave voice.
Who's setting so many free?
I'm going to close with theanchoring verse, for Hope,
unlocked it's.
May the God of hope fill youwith all joy and peace in
believing so that, by the powerof the Holy Spirit, you may
abound in hope, and that'sRomans 15, 13.
(50:28):
So thank you again, jo Beth.
I will be back with anotherepisode next week.
Bye.
Speaker 2 (50:46):
Bye, thank you.
Welcome to the Hope Unlocked Podcast.
I'm your host, Kristen Kurtz,and I'm also the founder of New
Wings Coaching.
I help and empower wildheartedand adventurous women of faith
feeling caged and stuck, unlocktheir true purpose and potential
, break free from limitationsand thrive with confidence,
courage and hope.
If you're curious to learn moreabout coaching with me, head to
newwingscoachingnet and be sureto explore the show notes for
(00:38):
ways to connect with me further.
Get ready to dive in as weuncover empowering keys and
insights in this episode.
So tune in and let's unlockhope together.
Welcome to the Hope Unlockedpodcast.
I'm Kristen Kurtz, your host.
I pray this episode is like aholy IV of hope for your soul.
Please help me.
Welcome Jo Beth Pauly to theshow.
I'm very excited to have herhere today.
(01:00):
We just got to know each othera little bit better before the
show got started and I know thatshe has a testimonial that is
going to bring hope to so manytoday.
So, Jo Beth, would you be opento sharing a little bit about
yourself before we get started?
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Yeah, so I am now a grief specialist, so what I do
is I walk women through somereally deep, dark times in their
life.
My goal with each person is toget them from a place where they
feel no hope, they see no light, into a place where they can
feel okay again.
(01:35):
And a lot of times that meanshealing relationships, their
relationship with God, and a lotof times it's just healing from
the hurt, from loss, whetherthat be death or divorce or
diagnosis or disaster, whateverit may be just walking them
through that time in their life.
(01:57):
It can be really devastating topeople and there's not a whole
lot of places that are scarierto be than a place where there's
no hope, and I really enjoygetting to hold people's hands
and walking them through that.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
That's so beautiful.
How long have you been doingthis work?
Speaker 2 (02:14):
A little over a year.
Speaker 1 (02:15):
Oh, it's been a year.
Okay, yeah, and what led youinto this work?
I love that you.
I feel like this is a really Idon't know many people who do
this work to be honest with yououtside of.
You know, maybe a counselor ora therapist, so maybe tell us,
like, what brought you into it?
Speaker 2 (02:40):
And then what does a grief specialist kind of mean?
Yeah, so I mean I got to takeyou back to like 2008, when I
was graduating high school and I, you know you're supposed to
know what you want to do whenyou're 18, which is crazy.
I know it's kind of like whomade that up?
But I was like I rememberdriving and I was just like man,
I don't, I don't know what Iwant to do with my life and I
was like I know I want to helppeople.
(03:01):
And then my very next thoughtwas you haven't been through
anything.
Like you can't help peoplebecause you, like, they're going
to look at you and be like youhaven't even gone through
anything.
And I was like, ah, good point.
Um, so I was like I'll justlike, I'll go into teaching, was
kind of like I'll go intoteaching so that way, like I'm
in position to help people, um,and so I went into teaching and
(03:24):
my husband and I got married in2011.
And a couple years later, wedecided it was time to start a
family, and so we were reallyexcited about that.
And each month, I just keptgetting negative pregnancy tests
and like what the heck ishappening?
Like he's healthy, I'm healthy.
Like what's the problem?
And months and months went byand finally we were like
(03:47):
something's wrong, likesomething's not exactly like it
should be or we would bepregnant already.
And so we, um, went to thedoctor, found out that we would
not be able to have kids.
It was like very much a um, alike was not going to be able to
happen.
And so we did.
(04:10):
We went through, like all theinfertility treatments that were
available in the United Statesand, um, it was just like it was
just one no, after the other,like it didn't work, sorry, it
didn't work, sorry, like itdidn't work, like over and over
again, and we just kind of just,you know, eventually just gave
(04:32):
up.
And there was a time when it wasreally dark and really like
just sad, and I went to a silentretreat type place where it was
just me and the lady that waskind of there for support and
stuff and just stayed there fora day and was praying.
And it was just like God, likeI don't know, like how come
you've given me this desire butyou haven't given me a baby?
(04:55):
Like that doesn't make sense.
And there's really praying thatyou know, if you don't want me
to be a mom, then, like, takethe desire from my heart.
And so I was just praying andpraying, and praying and God
spoke to me and said there's alittle girl that needs you more
(05:18):
than you need to be a mom.
And I was like okay, and likein my, in this moment, like I
saw a girl that like look like Idon't know, she was like maybe
two or three and she had likedark hair, and I was like I was
like okay, so I just like kindof like dusted my hands off and
got up.
It's like okay, like this, this.
We're not going to adopt a babyand we're not going to excuse
(05:40):
me, we're not going to keeptrying with the infertility
stuff.
And so we made the decision toadopt through foster care and so
we started pursuing that andright after we got trained, it
came time to you know where wewere going to start being able
to be matched up with kids, andif you know anything about the
(06:03):
foster care system in the UnitedStates, there's thousands of
kids that are available foradoption and I knew that we was
going to get to pick.
You know that there might beseveral kids that came across,
you know, came to our house, andthat we met up with that.
We, we, that we need.
We needed to know, like Iwanted to know, like, tell me
which one's my kids you know?
(06:24):
And um, I wanted to know like,tell me which ones my kids you
know?
And um, one day we found outthat a friend of a friend was
had just got custody of hergrandkids and she was needing
help babysitting.
And you can't babysit fosterkids unless you're a foster
parent, trained or like anactual, like daycare, and so we
were, um, a very small part of avery small population that
(06:47):
could actually give her somerespite.
And so, um, anyway, so fastforward, she brings the kids
over for us to meet them and, um, the little boy walks through
the door and, just crystal clear, it was that's your son.
And, um, he was not availablefor adoption, we were just
babysitters, that's all we were.
And for the next six months wewere just babysitters, we just
(07:11):
babysat when she needed it.
And then, at that six month mark, it came time for somebody to
for you know the, the grandmawho had them to make a decision
to adopt them or to allow thefoster care system to place them
.
And she was not okay with justletting the foster care system
place them, and she asked.
She said she really wanted themto have a mom and a dad.
(07:31):
And so she asked the adoptionspecialist if it would be okay
if we adopted them, if theycould just go to us and not into
the system, so that she knewwho they were and that they were
with people that loved them andeverything.
And they, uh, dhs, agreed to itand they were placed with us
the next day.
(07:51):
And, um, six months after that,uh, they were adopted and they
were permanently a part of ourfamily.
And so, um, we were like uh,like I would just say a complete
family, like a very solid, likethings felt very stable.
They felt very secure.
About the time of adoption, webought a cattle farm here in
(08:13):
Arkansas.
It was our dream to have a farmand raise our kids on the farm.
And bought the farm and myhusband started building our
house.
And about that time I startednoticing like my husband started
building our house and aboutthat time I started noticing
like my husband was actingdifferent and I didn't really
know why he was acting different.
(08:34):
It's very odd.
He was not being very nice andI was like golly.
I remember in January I wasstanding in my office here with
my best friend and I was like Idon't know how long I can do
this, like this is gettingreally bad.
And because there's just like apersonality change, I was like
I just pretty like just soterrible, sudden kind of um,
(09:00):
over the course of months maybe.
And, um, then one day hestarted getting he had a really
bad headache and couldn't getout of bed and, um, at first I
was like oh, it's COVID.
So I went to the pharmacy and Iwas like I need something.
He's got such a bad headacheand they're like maybe you
should take him to the you knowthe urgent care if he's like so
sick, like it hurts, so bad he'sthrowing up.
And I was like okay, like okay,and he was very anti-doctor and
(09:27):
so I was like you got to go tothe doctor.
He's like six, four, two, 40.
I'm like, yeah, go to thedoctor.
And he's like no, and I waslike got to go to the doctor.
Finally, I was able to like,basically like, bully him and
bully him into getting in thecar.
And so we got in the car, wentto the urgent care.
They ordered a CT anddiscovered a, um, a large mass
(09:47):
on the front of his brain and,um, they were like this is not
good, you need to go to theemergency room right now.
We've called to let them knowyou're coming.
And, um, you know they, they'llget you right in.
We went, got an MRI and withinan hour he was diagnosed with
terminal brain cancer and doctorcame in, gave us a pamphlet on
(10:10):
the cancer, which is calledglioblastoma.
And if anybody is listening,who, like has had that in their
life?
That probably just triggered awhole bunch of that word,
probably just triggered a wholebunch of feelings.
But, um, they gave us apamphlet and, um, I didn't even
know how to say it, say the word, let alone what it was, and it
was a very, very aggressive formof brain cancer that typically,
(10:35):
um use, you know, has a a 12 to16 month prognosis, and so you,
uh, you don't survive it.
And so they handed it back tous, gave him medicine and made
us an appointment to come backto the neurologist next the next
week, and sent us home.
(10:57):
And, uh, we went home with, youknow, a heart full of shattered
dreams and a future, and likethere was nothing.
There was nothing to, I don'tknow, nothing, to look forward
to, nothing, to just a lot offear, um, but at the same time,
I felt confident that God wouldheal him.
(11:17):
Yeah, I knew where my faith wasat and are the people who
surrounded us, and I was likehe'll be, he'll be the one,
he'll be the one that survivesthis.
And I was like he'll be, he'llbe the one, he'll be the one
that survives this.
And I knew it was going to be adark road ahead and I had
already seen his personalitychange, and so it was pretty
grim, honestly.
But, um, we went home tried totry to be as normal with our
(11:39):
kids as possible.
Um and um he.
We decided to go to MD Andersonin Houston cause that was the
best, we felt like the bestplace for him to be.
Um, and even though doctorafter doctor was telling me like
there won't be um, he's notgoing to, to survive this Like,
(12:02):
even though, like, I heard thatlike a couple times a week for
six months, um, I was still justlike, yeah, but it wasn't that
I was in denial.
I had prayed, I was praying, Iwas fasting, our church was
praying and fasting.
Um, I would get videos ofpeople praying for him in other
(12:26):
languages and there are peoplepraying for him around the world
and I was like God's not goingto take him, like he's not going
to take him, like I get liketaking him from me because I'm
okay, like I'll be okay, but why?
Why my kids?
We were, we got to be a familyfor five years.
Why my kids?
We were, we got to be a familyfor five years.
And then this happens, you know, and um, I just had full faith
(12:55):
and just continued to pray andfast and develop a closer
relationship with God.
Um, cause, that was really theonly thing that gave me any kind
of comfort.
Um, so, anyways, so fastforward a year and less than a
year, I guess, 11 months and 20something days.
Um, he passed away and um, just11 months ago.
(13:18):
No, like from diagnosis, okayyeah.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
Can I go back for a second?
Like how was he, during thistime, like you, had full faith
and belief.
Um, how was he like taking thenews and like, what did that
look like for him?
Speaker 2 (13:35):
Um, I have no idea.
I have no idea how he it wasnot something we talked about.
Um, I tried to talk to himabout it because we, um, we had
a farm and a business and twokids and like, like, so much
like construction equipment andwe had lease places with cattle
(13:59):
on it, like four or fivedifferent lease places, and I'm
like we kind of should talkabout some things like.
I know we don't want to, but um,so his tumor was in the front
right part of his brain, whichis where personality is at, and
this is me and my like ignorantoptimism.
But when they told us it was inthe front right part of his
(14:21):
brain, I was like, oh, he'sprobably going to get nicer,
like he's's probably gonna belike I don't know.
Speaker 1 (14:29):
I just like.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
I was just like, oh, this, this could be, this could
be good.
He could be just like so happyand carefree, because he was a
little, you know, like alwayslike thinking about the future
and hustling and like prettystrict, and I was like he may
look lightened up, you know, um,but that was not what happened.
Um, it was not what happened hebecame.
It was like he had um the lastfour months.
(14:55):
It was like he had dementia.
So sometimes he would not knowwhere we were at.
Um, he would do really strangethings.
Um, he would think we were at aknow where we were at.
He would do really strangethings.
He would think we were at acabin when we were at our house,
and so he'd tell the kids likehey, you guys need to go get
your bags packed so we can gohome.
And the kids would be like whatis happening?
(15:16):
Like so freaked out, and thenif they didn't go pack, he would
get very angry, and so it waslike there was a lot of anger
there.
So he was a very quiet,reserved person anyways, and
then, as far as his emotions go,he was very talkative, like
just lit up a room and stuffwhen he came in.
(15:37):
He was so good at that but wasvery, very reserved with his
emotions and didn't talk abouthim.
And so there was thatpersonality trait.
And then there was the factthat there was cancer destroying
that part of his brain.
And then the third part was helike he couldn't even take
Benadryl without likehallucinating before, like he
(16:00):
was so sensitive to medications,like he didn't even take
Tylenol unless something wasreally bad.
And so then they put him onthese extremely high, high doses
of seizure medications, causehe was like, really like it was,
he was at high risk for seizureand he did end up having a
seizure, but they had him onseizure medication, they had him
(16:22):
on steroids, they had him onsomething else three different
kinds of medications and he wasjust like a zombie.
So it was really, it was justreally bizarre.
So I don't know how he handledit or if he even knew.
I know when this is really sad,but, um, when I checked him into
(16:43):
hospice, I didn't want him toknow, okay, I didn't want him to
know, that's where we were atand I was able to get everybody
at hospice to turn their back,like I didn't ask him to.
I was like can we please nottell him he's in hospice, cause
I don't think he knows.
And if he doesn't know it'sokay Like he doesn't.
He doesn't know anything, soit's not like I don't want that
(17:04):
word to trigger anything.
And so the nurses would come inand they would have all taken
their badges off and they didn'twear their logo stuff or
anything around him until he waslike, completely sedated and he
was just so, um, anxious andnervous and confused, um, he was
sedated the last month of hislife, um, because that was the
(17:26):
only way to make sure that hewas not going to harm himself or
somebody else, and so I don'tthink he knew.
I think there was, I thinkthere was about a week there.
He got diagnosed and got savedtwo days later, um, and so yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
Tell us about that.
Speaker 2 (17:45):
So we'd sat in church together for years, like 13, 14
years, and I always knew thathe desired to be saved Like he
wanted that I think he didn'tfeel worthy of the cross you
know and what that meant.
I don't think he, I don't thinkhe felt like he deserved it and
I think it always kept him frommaking that step.
(18:09):
And so when he got diagnosed,um, I, my dad, called me and he
was like you should encouragehim to get, get to be saved.
And I was like I know, but Idon't want to like have that
conversation and my dad's likehe's not going to survive this
(18:31):
because my dad had lost his bestfriend to the exact same cancer
about 20 years prior.
And, um, and I was like, yeah,I was like, yeah, yes, he's
gonna be the one like watch,watch this.
Um, yeah, it was so muchoptimism so you can imagine my
confusion.
Yes, when it didn't, it didn'tdidn't go as I had planned.
(18:56):
Um, so I asked him.
I was like, hey, it's just likereal casual about it.
I was like I know you like kindof want to do this, but like,
um, what do you think about youknow, going and being baptized
and being saved or whatever?
And he was like.
He was like, yeah, he's like.
I was actually just thinkingabout that and he was like so
(19:17):
he's like let's go.
And I said do you want to gotoday or tomorrow, cause we were
going to go meet with apreacher and he was going to be
baptized.
And he was like today, and weboth had COVID.
So when we went to, we went tothe doctor and they COVID tested
him because I thought he hadCOVID.
And that night after we'd gothome, we received the diagnosis.
(19:41):
And we got home, the nursecalls and she was like hey, this
is so-and-so from Dr.
Whoever she was like, I justwant to tell you we got Travis's
COVID tests back and he testedpositive, so he has COVID.
And I was like he doesn't haveCOVID, he has brain cancer,
thank you, like that's not whathe has.
And so, um, the next morning Iwoke up sick as a dog, I had
(20:06):
COVID, and so we both had COVIDAnyway.
So we were like, um, we, hewanted to be baptized, and the
preacher that we want he wantedto baptize him was, um, an old
man, and I was like we haveCOVID.
And he was like I don't care.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
I love that yes.
Something trying to keep youfrom it and he's just like, no,
that's not going to stop me Loveit.
Speaker 2 (20:30):
And I had no, I had no like reservation that he I
mean I know I didn't think for asecond he would say no, but he
was like an older man.
I mean if he would have gotCOVID it could have been really
bad for him, but he was justlike absolutely not bring him
let's go.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
So it was really cool .
Speaker 2 (20:44):
And so he was.
He was baptized and went toBible study with some friends
and I know he was very deep inhis prayer life but he was very
private.
So I don't, I don't know, but Ido.
I do know there was a few weeksor a couple of months that he
knew he was probably not goingto live, but after that I don't
know.
I definitely don't think heknew the last three or four
(21:05):
months, because he asked me if I, if he was in a retirement home
when we were at hospice and Iwas like, no, we're here to get
your medicine fixed so you canfeel better.
And because when we put him inhospice they gave me morphine
and they're like you can givehim this morphine.
I was like, no, I can't.
(21:26):
And they were like and likethis is how you need to get him
up and get him out of bed and tothe bathroom and stuff, because
when you give him morphine hemight not get up or whatever.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
And I'm like I'm sorry and you're supposed to get
him up on morphine.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
I know I look at his sister and I'm like what is?
this that's not going to workfor me, I'm sorry.
Which they they?
You know they hospice isn'tsupposed to take people, I don't
(22:02):
think, unless they're, like,really close to the end and the
doctors had told me that he wasprobably four months away from
passing when I had to gethospice involved because he had
they.
The doctors at MD Anderson saidhe probably needed to go to,
like, um, a mental institutiontype place because he was so
confused and I was like I'm notputting my husband in a mental
institute because he has braincancer.
And then I was like but like Ican't keep him here Cause I
(22:23):
can't, like I'm like I wassleeping with my hand on him at
night so if he got up I couldfollow him and it was like, and
at nighttime the personalitywould change.
It was just, it was so terriblehonestly, um, and I think I made
the right decision he diedquicker cause we pulled him off
all of his medications, um, buthe, he passed away like probably
(22:47):
three months before he wouldhave otherwise he passed away
naturally, but he, we weren'tpumping all these drugs into him
to prolong a really longsuffering death.
And that was a hard it was.
It was not a hard decision tomake.
It was a sad decision to make,um, but it was very easy to say,
(23:08):
cause, I mean, it was like mygosh if he was here and he was
aware of the level of sufferingthat's happening with him and
all of us like he would not wantto prolong this.
And so, and I was the one whowas calling the shots, and so
that's what we did, and hepassed away in hospice, and it
was um.
Being there at hospice was awonderful, wonderful experience,
(23:29):
um, they loved on me andsupported me and my kids and um
through a really, really darktime and um, so I remember
sitting at my kitchen table andI was like this was before he
died.
But when I knew he was dying, Iwas like if I can figure out
how to survive this which.
(23:49):
I will.
I will take as many womenthrough this as I possibly can.
I will blaze a trail and figurethis out because I am not the
first in a long line of manythat will have come before me
and will come after me.
Widowhood is pretty common.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
Well, and how old are you now?
Speaker 2 (24:13):
34.
I was 32 when he passed away.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
You were 32.
Very young, I mean have youconjured a lot of young wives.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
I haven't worked with a ton.
I mean several widows, but Ihaven't worked with anybody
that's close to my age.
Speaker 1 (24:32):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
Maybe one might be close to my age, but most of
them are, like you know, 50s.
It's not me.
It's not super common to bewidowed at this age, yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
Yeah, I mean, like you said, to blaze a trail and
you know I talk a lot aboutbeing a trailblazer and talking
to a lot of trailblazers and Ithink the hardest part and you
could probably agree with me, weall have different things that
we're trailblazing in.
Um, I have a different realmthat I'm walking in, but to
trailblaze you have to, like,cut through a trail, you're
(25:04):
gonna get really dark and it canbe really lonely, it can be
confusing, it can be really dark, um, so I wanted you to just
maybe share a little bit moreabout that.
Did you have anybody walkingalongside you, like, who was
coming alongside you?
I know you said that thehospice was really supportive,
(25:24):
but who came alongside you?
Did people know how to like bewith you during this time,
because it's challenging, likedeath is challenging.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
Cause it's challenging, Like death is
challenging, yeah.
So I uh was an athlete majorityof my life and I'm like, okay,
when you want to win a statechampionship, you gotta have a
coach.
When you want to, you know,change anything, you gotta have
a coach.
And I was like I need atherapist, I gotta have a
therapist.
So it was kind of you know,change anything, you got to have
(25:55):
a coach.
And I was like I need atherapist, I gotta have a
therapist.
So it's kind of, you know, Ifeel truly like it was a God
thing.
But I had a friend.
She was like I do she's likeequine therapy.
I did equine therapy with someof my foster kids and I was like
, okay, cool, and I was likeI'll call them.
And so I called and talked tothe lady and she was like why
don't't you come out and likesee the, see the ranch and stuff
(26:18):
, and like you know, kind of getto know me a little bit.
And, um, I was like I was likeokay, sounds good, so call my
friend.
I was like, hey, just talk toKim.
I was like where you go nextweek?
And she was like that lady'sname ain't Kim.
I was like yeah, it is, and shewas like no, she's like it's
this place.
And I had called the wrongplace, Um, but it was still a
(26:38):
horse place, Cause that's what Ihad searched and I could only
find one, and it was this one.
He was my my therapist, who'salso a coach.
Um lost her husband at 30, hadchildren that were adopted and,
um, the first like few sessions,she was like there's several
sessions.
She's like I don't want to talkabout money, I just want to
help you guys through the nextfew months.
So we went every week and itwas a high, the highlight of the
(27:02):
week for me and the kids.
They would go to basketballlessons with their trainer and
then we'd go have therapy andthen we'd go to our favorite
Mexican restaurant and it wasjust a really positive day,
Cause we always felt better whenwe left therapy.
But I was like and excuse mefor my bluntness, but I was like
I'm not an idiot, I've neverdone this before, I don't know
(27:24):
how to do it, and so I'm goingto find somebody who's going to
help me through this and myhusband had life insurance
because we were smart.
People all the time are likeyou're lucky and I'm like no, we
protected our assets.
So, um, we, we.
That was a very consciousdecision.
(27:45):
We didn't win the lottery.
I would say we lost the lottery.
Okay, If anything, like we didnot win anything by losing him,
Um, but anyways.
So I was like I have money topay for therapy, for coaching.
I'm going to use it on this and,um, she helped me the first six
months they're the six monthsbefore he passed in six months
(28:05):
after, seven, eight months after, and then I just didn't need
need her as much anymore.
Um, so that was a huge part ofit.
Um, I also told her that Iwanted to expedite my healing
process and she laughed at me.
She was like.
She was like you can't do thatand I was like watch me.
(28:26):
I was like this is miserable.
I was like I am miserable.
I wake up sad, I go to bed sad.
I wake up in the middle of thenight sad.
I work sad, I play sad.
I'm like I don't, I don't wantto do this.
I was like I cry all the timebecause I don't want to do this
longer than I have to.
And so I became an expert ongrief for myself, not for you,
(28:49):
not for anybody else.
I was just like this is justabout as terrible as I could
imagine.
Lost my desire to live,couldn't even like.
I just like looked at my kidsand would be like that should be
funny and I'm just blankstaring at them.
This is a great childhood forthem.
I'm like this is not good andso I threw everything at it,
(29:11):
everything.
People are like what did you do?
And I'm like everything.
Therapy Everything.
People are like what did you do?
And I'm like everything.
Therapy, yes, every single weekthat I read books, yes, and no.
Um, I believe that at the core,we all know what we need to do
and if you have a coach that islike you're bouncing ideas off
of like um and kind ofnavigating stuff with, I don't
(29:36):
think you need to be buried inbooks.
You can over consume reallyeasily and be like and now I
don't know what to do.
Um, so I was.
I I leaned in hard to God andlisten.
I didn't know how to talk tohim after my husband died.
Um, I promised him when myhusband got sick that, no matter
(29:57):
what, I was not going to leave.
I was not going to leave him.
God, like I was not goinganywhere.
Um, and I and I reaffirmed thatto him daily I am here, you can
take him, you can heal him.
I'm not going anywhere.
And some days that look like aday of prayer, just constantly,
(30:17):
like first words out of my mouthin the morning Jesus, like are
you there?
Like I need you here before Ican get out of bed.
Okay, okay, we're good, let'sgo.
But also there was a lot ofdays where my prayers just
sounded like hey, god, I'm hereand fully aware that I should be
thankful for probably a billionthings, but I can't say thank
(30:41):
you right now, but I just wantyou to know, I'm here and that's
it.
I'm here.
And that was months and months,and then I got really curious
about who God really was,because he had been there with
me and I'm like, oh, like, Iwant to know you more.
And so there was an intimacythat grew there.
Um, but I was taking ice bathsbecause I was looking at raising
(31:04):
two kids who came out of fostercare, which can be really
challenging.
Um, I'm raising these kids.
Totally intended to do thatwith my husband.
I'm raising them by myself, andI have a farm and a whole bunch
of cows that I really don't havea desire to do anything with
(31:25):
and I don't know what to do withthem, and which my dad was
really helpful, but at the endof the day, it was my
responsibility.
Had a construction company.
Speaker 1 (31:53):
It was my responsibility I had a think of,
so tell us more about that forthose who, like me, are like oh
no, please, don't like what.
What led you to the ice?
Speaker 2 (32:06):
Um it just people talking about the just it.
It heals and it grounds you andit resets you and it reduces
inflammation and it doessomething to your brain.
That's like um, it's like areset, but also a motivation
thing.
I can't really explain like allthe benefits of it.
Um, I don't do them anymore,although I'm really like into
(32:26):
like trying to get myself backto doing them.
But during that time I had to um, and what happened was I knew
that the road ahead for me wasgoing to be rough.
This is going to be really hard.
And so I was like I'm justgoing to start out every day
doing the hardest thing I'll doall day.
(32:47):
And so that was getting in theice.
And so I knew when I got out ofthe ice, I was like, okay,
ain't nobody else getting in theice before seven o'clock in the
morning, and so I'm like I itwas empowering and I went,
walked out into the worlddifferently because of it,
because I was like I'm tougherthan pretty much everybody.
(33:07):
You know whether that was trueor not, I don't know, but I was
like it was.
I would do it and just remindmyself who I was and how tough I
was and how I wasn't afraid ofsuffering and I wasn't afraid of
pain and I wasn't afraid ofbeing uncomfortable, and those
are, those are the things thatwere going through my head while
I was in the ice was like ain'tnothing going to stop me.
Speaker 1 (33:28):
Yeah, like you're reading your tenacious
statements over yourself.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (33:33):
And the kids.
The kids had to be trained,Cause it would sound like.
I was dying you know, likegasping for air, like screaming,
like you know, and I would belike I'm going to be in here and
I'm probably you're probablygoing to hear me breathing,
(33:54):
cause I mean, it just sucks theair out of you.
Um, I was like do not comecheck on me.
Speaker 1 (34:03):
I can imagine your kids like oh my gosh is mom Okay
?
No, mom is not okay, it'll beall right Now did you have them
do this too?
Speaker 2 (34:13):
Heck, no.
No, my son does cold showers,but he's his choice because he
started seeing that I was doingit and that I was really cool,
just kidding.
Speaker 1 (34:25):
So for you, this was one of your keys.
The Lord brought you to otherkeys.
You had therapy and coaching,and for those who don't maybe
understand or know what therapyand coaching is, there's a
difference between the two.
But since we're both coaches,maybe you want to just share a
little bit of kind of what thiswoman did for you, as you were
(34:48):
like in sessions with her.
Speaker 2 (34:50):
Yeah, it was.
It was just how do we getthrough the next seven days till
I see you again?
And that looked different everysingle week.
Some days it was navigatingrelationships with extended
family, some days it was what doI do with his clothes?
Like, what do I do with youknow this or that?
Or how do I process, like, orhow do I, you know?
(35:14):
Like one thing she told me andthis and this is a very like
coach thing but she was likecause I'm raising these two kids
and like it's, it's not fun,honestly, and I'm just like
drowning and trying to like keepthem from drowning, like it
didn't make sense.
Um, but it was really hard andlike, like I said, not a lot of
fun.
And she was like you need tocheck into the mental health
(35:38):
hotel at least once a month.
And the mental health hotel wasany hotel.
I wanted to do whatever Iwanted for the time that I was
there, and so I started doingthat.
I mean, I think that's a verycoach thing to do is to see a
need and to find a solutionthat's doable for you.
And so I would go one day amonth.
I would check in at like four,check out at 11 the next day I
(35:58):
would eat pizza in bed and Iwould get ice cream and I would
watch.
You know, just watch movies andsleep and just kind of just let
just get a break for a second.
But that's what coaching is.
It's it's making lifemanageable and helping you hit
those goals.
That like, like I said, I thinkwe all know what we need, but
(36:21):
she gave me permission.
Speaker 1 (36:23):
Like.
Speaker 2 (36:23):
I felt guilty for leaving my kids Like I don't
want to leave.
I hadn't left them since hedied, Like you know.
Are they going to be afraid ofnever coming back, which they
haven't.
I'm thankful for that, butthat's a thing.
Are they going to be afraid ofnever coming back, which they
haven't?
I'm thankful for that.
But that's a thing you knowwhen you lose one parent, you
think the other one might dietoo.
It's just kind of a feeling youhave.
But guess what?
(36:44):
My kids were fine, Guess what,they didn't miss me and they
enjoyed grandma's house and itwas good.
And I came back like, oh okay, Ican do this, I can do this, I
can go another few weeks and dothis again.
But coaching really, just, youknow, gives you confidence and
permission and a plan and andthe accountability you know,
(37:07):
cause it's like, am I going togo back to Kim next week
complaining about how stressedout I am after I didn't do what
she told me to do last week?
Like no, like what?
What's the point of paying her?
I'm going to just ignore herhelp.
So there's accountability there, because you're handing over
money and you're like okay, it'sa little bit more motivation.
But people who are like I'mgoing to you know, do this
(37:30):
myself I'm like great, that'sgoing to you're, you might
figure it out, but it it's gonnabe a lot slower.
Speaker 1 (37:42):
I don't know why you want to drag this out.
This is misery, exactly, and,like you said, you wanted to
accelerate the process, whichyou know.
How did I mean?
If you look back, can youimagine not having somebody to
walk alongside you?
Speaker 2 (37:49):
no.
So this is what was happeningas I was talking to my family oh
, oh, don't do that.
I was talking to them about theextreme emotions and thoughts I
was having and they were listen, they were grieving too.
Like they were grieving becausethey were very close with my
husband, and then they weregrieving because I was grieving.
(38:12):
My mom told me she was like youcan't imagine how it felt
watching you grieve, like as amother, and like not being able
to do anything about it.
And so she was carrying thatPlus.
I was reaching out to her,sharing my pain, and there was
anything she could do.
She was not trained, she wasnot equipped to handle that.
Neither was my sister, and so Iwas bringing that to them and
(38:36):
they couldn't handle it.
And so, like your familydoesn't deserve that, like they
don't, they don't know how evenif your parent is a therapist,
like you just go dump yourgarbage on them and then expect
them to just walk away, notbeing affected by it.
(38:56):
It's really.
It's really unfair.
But I think people who don'treach out to coaches and
therapists that's like that'swho they reach out to or they
overuse friends.
That's another thing I see a lotof women who are like I've lost
all my friends and I'm like,well, I can't imagine why.
Probably because you sit andyou gripe and complain to them
and you're grieving all overthem and they don't know how to
(39:17):
help you.
So they distance themselvesLike I don't know, I don't know
what to do for you, you know,and it's like that's kind of
harsh, but I see that so muchwhere women are like you know
they're five years down the roadand have nobody to talk to
because they've overusedfriendships for something
they're really weren.
And I think friends are soimportant, so valuable, and but
(39:41):
like let's not put jobs on themthat they can't handle.
That's not fair.
Speaker 1 (39:45):
Yeah, I think this is such an important conversation
to have to like to bring thisinto the light that we actually
need neutral people.
Speaker 2 (39:55):
Yeah, yeah for sure they're not they're not.
Speaker 1 (39:57):
They're like you know they maybe are a couple
separated.
They're not, they're like youknow they maybe are a couple
separated.
You know that could be.
You know your cousin's, youknow friend's, grandma or
somebody.
But when it comes to the peoplein your close circle, yeah,
like you said, not everybody ismeant to do that work with you
(40:28):
no-transcript.
Speaker 2 (40:32):
Right, and they're probably not going to listen to
you, Even if you did saysomething.
I mean like if my mom or sisterwas to give me advice.
Speaker 1 (40:37):
I'd be like have you ever been in my shoes?
Yeah, so take this word thatthat Jo Beth has shared,
especially in this realm.
Find people Like if you're inthis realm walking through grief
, reach out to Jo Beth, right,this is an area that is complex,
like I'm a coach, but if I wereto find somebody that comes
(41:01):
along my path who needs somebodyto grief coach, I would not
take somebody on in that realmbecause it's not what I've
walked through.
Yeah, I have in some degrees,but, um, so, as you're again, so
you you're working with um thiscoach and it's I'm so I'm just
so glad that you had somebody inyour corner during that time.
(41:22):
So tell us a little bit more,like even on the kids
perspective, like how, how didthey do, like what did you?
How did you have like extrasupport in your corner for them?
Speaker 2 (41:36):
So with as a family.
So people ask this all the timeand it's so complicated, it's
just, it's not.
It's not linear, there's not abook, there's not something that
I could even say, but I do feellike there is something at the
core that is really important,and that is that I don't know if
(41:59):
my kids have already grieved orthey are going to grieve later.
I don't know, like I don't know,I can't really tell with them.
Um, but what I know is that ifwe can normalize having emotions
and letting them feel theiremotions and talk about their
emotions on things that are notrelated to their dad, when time
(42:19):
comes up for them to grieve him,them grieve him.
They already know that it'sokay because they've done it in
other ways with other things andthey they're prepared and
equipped and they have arelationship with me where they
know that I can handle whateveremotions they have.
And so I think for my daughterit's come up as like, like
(42:42):
they're a bird died.
Listen, we live on a farm.
Things die Like.
Our cat kills something everyday, so it's like death is
pretty normal.
But there was a blue jay lastyear that died, it from the cat
(43:02):
and, uh, she had it for a day.
She kept him up and with foodand water until it could get the
rest of his wings and stuff,and that was the plan.
What died?
And it wrecked her and everypart of me wanted to be like it
is a bird, like, like.
Why are we crying?
Like you have had major loss inyour life.
This is a bird.
But in my I shut my mouth and Iwas just like, okay, I'm just
(43:23):
going to not talk until thatthought process finishes.
And I was just like.
Then I was like, oh, this isreally sad.
And I was like and then I waslike, in my mind I was like this
isn't about the bird Cause itwas like full body crying like
deep, deep grief and I was like,okay, and so, even though she
(43:46):
didn't have the words to say,like, this is about my dad, like
I really felt like it probablywas, but it felt safer grieving
this bird, and so just like,holding them with open hands,
letting them know everyemotion's okay and so that when
that comes up around their dad,they know that it's safe.
I think that's the best thingyou can do and that is honoring
(44:09):
really small, stupid losses,like oh, I should have said
stupid like the bird, like, likewhen you're like yeah, what if?
I would have been like it was astupid bird.
Get over it.
Well, that said, get over yourfeelings.
Like those are stupid feelings.
Let me know if you have realones.
They're all feelings.
(44:30):
So, um, and I've made my shareof mistakes.
Like I'm not talking some likefrom some throne, of just super
high intelligence, of grief.
Like I'm just saying likethere's a way you want to show
up and that's you know you wantyour kids to feel like there's
no emotion that they are goingto have that's too big for you
to handle and that they canbring that to you.
Speaker 1 (44:51):
That's so good.
I love, I just love your heartfor for your kids, and the ways
that you have just been like.
You continue to rise up right,yeah.
Speaker 2 (45:03):
Yeah, that's the goal every day.
Speaker 1 (45:05):
Many days Um, so it's been how long since he passed.
Speaker 2 (45:12):
Um, it was the very beginning of 23.
So it's been oh my gosh, I'm soweird with time Two and a half
years.
Speaker 1 (45:22):
I have no concept of time.
Speaker 2 (45:24):
It's really weird, like when people ask me that
cause he got he, he passed awaylike the very beginning of 23,
which means like it's like awhole year of 23.
Like it wasn't like it wouldhave been.
It feels like it was 22, whichit really kind of almost was,
and but he died on 2nd ofJanuary 2022.
Speaker 1 (45:43):
Yeah Well, is there anything else that you would
want to share with the listenerstoday?
As we talked about before wegot started, both of us really
have a heart for the one, right?
If you are just thinking ofsomebody right now who's
listening in.
Is there any other words ofencouragement or any keys that
you took from your journey thatyou'd want to share with the
(46:05):
listeners today?
And then I'm going to have youpray us out today if you're open
to that.
Speaker 2 (46:08):
Yeah for sure.
Well, first of all, like Ithink a lot of people get stuck
in confusion and that is not aplace you want to be and I offer
a free 30 minute call, it'sjust out of the goodness of my
heart.
It might be a good idea for youto work with me.
It might not be, but I can giveyou some clarity and give you
like a 30,000 foot view ofwhat's going on and get you
(46:30):
pointed in the right direction.
That might be coaching, therapy, rehab.
I don't know what you need, butI can give you a pretty good
idea after talking to you forabout 15 minutes.
So I want to extend that toanybody who's listening.
But I think the other thing is,just like every day, when you
wake up, remember that you're awarrior and like don't, don't
(46:51):
entertain, that you're a victimor that you're not good enough
or you can't, like I will callmy kids out and I'd be like I'll
be, like you don't cuss in thishouse.
When they tell me they can't,I'm like I don't even want to
hear that, I don't care if it'sthe pickle jar.
There's a way you know, likeyou can do anything.
(47:11):
And so remind yourself of that.
That's a dangerous place to be.
And so have that warriormentality and cling to God.
He's the only one that knows,and, um, he's the ultimate coach
and counselor.
So that is, that is what Iwould say.
Speaker 1 (47:32):
So much, goodness Well, will you pray us out?
Speaker 2 (47:34):
Yeah, for sure dear lord, thank you so much for this
conversation and um forplatforms like this, I just I
think back to when you weretrying to share the good news
and how complicated and hard itwas.
(47:55):
And here we are and we get to um, hop on the video calls with
people from across the world andacross the country and get to
share who you are and how youshow up for us and just want to
thank you for that opportunityand I want to thank you
personally for being a light inmy heart and a guide and a coach
(48:20):
and somebody who loves meunconditionally, so that just
giving me the example of how todo that for others, and I pray
for people who are in deep grief.
It is so easy for people to walkaway from you and I just pray
that today they'll choose towalk towards you, because you
are the Prince of Peace and youare the only truth and comfort
(48:42):
that we're going to find on thisearth.
I just pray that people willwalk towards you or not walk,
but sprint towards you during atime of hurt, and I just pray
that you show them that deepintimacy that you can provide to
them while they're healing.
Lord, and just thank you somuch for the opportunity that we
have to be in this country andto be able to talk so openly
(49:04):
about you and your love and whatyou do for us, and just pray
that this podcast today willreach who needs to hear it, that
lives will be transformed.
In Jesus' name, I pray, amen.
Speaker 1 (49:15):
Amen.
Well, Jo Beth, how can thelisteners reach you?
Beth, how can the listenersreach you?
Speaker 2 (49:19):
The best ways on Facebook, and that is Jo Beth
Polly, p-o-l-l-e-y.
Speaker 1 (49:28):
So I'm pretty certain .
Speaker 2 (49:29):
I'm the only one ever .
I've never met another one, Iknow.
Somebody one day was like whonamed you?
I'm like who named you.
Speaker 1 (49:38):
Your parents.
Speaker 2 (49:40):
That's who names you.
Why would you ask me that?
Speaker 1 (49:43):
I would say something similar to that.
Speaker 2 (49:47):
Who named you the doctor that delivered?
You Don't ask me that, Anyways,yeah.
Jo Beth Pauly on Facebook, butI'm NWA grief specialists with
an S and that's my.
I'm also on Instagram, Facebook, and that's also my website, so
you guys can find me there, butI prefer Facebook.
Speaker 1 (50:06):
Awesome.
Well, I'll go ahead and addyour contact information in the
show notes, and thank you forbeing a brave voice.
Who's setting so many free?
I'm going to close with theanchoring verse, for Hope,
unlocked it's.
May the God of hope fill youwith all joy and peace in
believing so that, by the powerof the Holy Spirit, you may
abound in hope, and that'sRomans 15, 13.
(50:28):
So thank you again, jo Beth.
I will be back with anotherepisode next week.
Bye.
Speaker 2 (50:46):
Bye, thank you.
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