February 25, 2025 • 33 mins
In this episode of Hot Couple Chronicles, Russ explores the challenges men face in the swinging lifestyle, emphasizing the importance of open communication, dealing with jealousy, and setting boundaries with partners
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
this week on Hot Couple Chronicles.
(00:02):
I just wanted to let you know that if you're dealing with something, you are not
alone opening the lines of communication with your partner or with a close friend
or another guy is huge.
It's a game changer.
The first couple of times you do it, it's a little weird because we're not used
(00:22):
to having these conversations.
Talking with someone is healthier because they give you different perspectives
and they can really talk you out of the jealousy.
This is an us thing.
And as soon as it's not an us thing anymore, then why are we doing it?
Like that's a misconception about swingers is it's kind of a swingers
(00:42):
versus poly thing is, oh, swingers don't have emotions when they're
playing with other people.
That's not true.
There's so many emotions.
Your relationship should be the foundation upon which your experiences are built.
Period.
I am unwavering in that.
Welcome to Hot Couple Chronicles, a podcast exploring the swinging lifestyle.
(01:06):
Our discussions may contain explicit content and adult themes intended for
mature audiences.
While we strive to offer valuable insights and entertainment, please be
aware that the views expressed are based on personal experiences and opinions.
We encourage listeners to approach the content with an open mind and to
prioritize communication, consent, and respect in their relationships.
(01:28):
Remember everyone's journey is unique.
So take what resonates with you and leave what doesn't.
Thank you for joining us on our adventure.
(01:57):
Hey there, I'm Russ and welcome back to Hot Couple Chronicles.
As you can see, Ashley is not here this week, but I'm excited to explore
some important topics that you may have been facing in the lifestyle.
It's unique that you're just going to get the male's perspective,
or at least my perspective anyways.
(02:18):
If you have feeling a bit overwhelmed or seeing some challenges,
you're definitely not alone.
Today, we're going to dig into some struggles that a lot of people
have encountered in their lives.
And I'll share some tips on how to overcome these hurdles and how we
can thrive and have the best time.
So let's grab a drink and get started.
(02:40):
All right, gentlemen, cheers.
I got my drink.
I hope you got yours.
If you're new here, welcome.
This is Hot Couple Chronicles.
Usually my gorgeous wife's here with me, but like I said earlier, she's out of
town, so I'm going to get started.
Like I said earlier, she's out of town, so you're just stuck with me.
(03:02):
Sorry, not sorry.
And if you're returning, welcome back.
This is a weird situation and I am so uncomfortable right now.
Do you have any idea how weird it is talking to yourself into a camera for
you guys?
This is out of my comfort zone, but I'm here for it.
I like to push boundaries and try new things.
(03:24):
So let's dive into some issues that we might come across.
When we get into the lifestyle, we think it's going to be smooth sailing.
We, as in Ashley, myself, other podcasters, other social media personalities in this
(03:47):
lifestyle space, portray it to be rainbows and unicorns all the time.
But there are real deep conversations that we have with our partners because
this lifestyle brings up a lot of stuff that you didn't even know you were
dealing with.
I just want to let you know that if you're dealing with something, you are not
alone.
(04:07):
It is completely normal to face challenges like jealousy, insecurity,
confusion about boundaries.
You might find yourself feeling anxious when you see it, your partner enjoying
time with someone else, or you might be worried about how the lifestyle impacts
your emotional connection.
So let's take a moment to think about where these feelings come from.
A lot of us grew up in a pretty traditional view of relationships, right?
(04:32):
I'd say 99% of us have.
So when you step into swinging, you can feel like you're going against the grain.
You feel like you're almost doing something wrong.
You're waiting to get caught by someone.
It's part of the excitement when you first get in the lifestyle, but it can stem
a lot of anxiety and paranoia.
(04:52):
This can lead to feelings of guilt and it can be tough to shake off sometimes.
But here's the thing.
These feelings are completely normal.
It's important to acknowledge them and understand that you're not alone in this
journey.
Not only do we have our partners, but we have the friendships that we've built
with these other amazing dudes.
Let's be honest.
(05:12):
I have some of the best friends I've ever had in my life.
I still have some older friends from my vanilla life beforehand that stuck around
and I love dearly, but I have met some of the most amazing guys that let you just
unload on them without judgment.
It's freaking awesome.
We build some great friendships in this community, so let's use them.
(05:37):
Let's talk to each other.
I feel like we're already going against the grain a lot of the times and it's
unnatural for other guys to confide in other guys.
So let's normalize that.
Let's bring up how a certain situation made you feel.
We're always taught as young young men to not talk about feelings.
(05:58):
That's something a woman does.
Let's break that.
Honestly, let's just do it.
The first step of getting past these feelings and situations is acknowledging
them and finding where they come from.
90% of the time I say it's with my wife.
Other times, sometimes it's in like say another 5%.
(06:21):
It's something that I think through and deal with before I communicate with Ashley.
That's just how my brain works.
Not everyone's like that.
Some people need to get it out immediately.
I like to digest and logically think about how I feel before I talk to Ashley.
It's just how I am.
(06:42):
But there are a lot of times that after I thought I dealt with it and was talking
to Ashley, she gives me a different perspective to think on opening the
lines of communication with your partner or with a close friend or another guy is
huge. It's a game changer.
(07:04):
We pride ourselves on communicating with our partners, but I personally feel
like it's important to build communication skills outside our relationship.
We're already sharing the most intimate parts of our relationship.
So why are we afraid to talk?
Something so simple can change everything.
Make the worst situations become some of the best situations.
(07:29):
We build some of the closest friendships because of this communication and the
lifestyle.
I have some of the best group of guy friends.
I can call any of these guys up and without question, if I need help or just need
to talk, I don't care what time of day it is.
They're there for me.
I have no question about it.
And they know that they can call me at any time of the day and I'm there.
(07:53):
It's humbling.
It's also empowering.
It's a crazy melting pot of emotions to have these awesome friendships, both male
and female, but guys really connect with other guys.
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It's almost like a fraternity, I guess it would be the equivalent or apparently
it's equivalent or a parallel to it.
(08:58):
I'd say it's a little bit deeper than a fraternity, but anyways, one of the best
things you can do with your partner, set aside a regular time to check in with
them, find a quiet evening, a date night after the kids go to bed, go to a coffee
shop, a quiet bar or sit down and have a drink at home on the couch or on the
(09:20):
porch, just be able to connect with your person.
During these check ins, start with open ended questions like how are you feeling
about this experience or what do you think about when I did this or that?
Is there anything that's been bothering you?
Is there anything that I did that made you feel a certain sort of way?
(09:44):
It invites your partner to share without feeling pressured.
Open ended questions are because there is no definite yes or no answer.
It's just how do you feel?
The more you do that, the easier it comes.
The first couple of times you do it, it's a little weird because we're not
used to having these conversations after actually in my first lifestyle
(10:07):
experience, our first full swap, we unpacked that for two or three weeks.
I can't tell you the exact amount of time, but it was a while.
Because so much happened.
We would talk about it, tell each other how we felt this was hot.
I didn't like this.
We knew we were good, but we kept remembering different things.
(10:28):
That's everything was happening so fast.
Did you see this person do this?
We unpacked it for weeks.
The conversations don't take as long to unpack anymore, but we still
usually take a couple of days afterwards.
But did you see this happen?
Yeah, I saw that.
That was awesome.
Or yeah, that's a red flag.
Sometimes when it's your turn to share, try to use I statements.
(10:51):
For example, instead of saying, you make me feel anxious saying, I feel anxious
when I think about you doing this or with someone else or this particular person.
Even some of the strongest couples and the most experienced lifestyle
people have certain triggers like after talking to them, we're good, but
(11:15):
there are certain people that did nothing wrong to me or my husband.
I just get triggered.
I feel like their connections are too deep or too intimate.
And it makes me feel anxious.
And the way they communicate it is I feel anxious when so and so did this.
(11:36):
And they'd be like, really? and it opens up a whole dialogue.
It's actually impressive how these conversations and how long these
conversations can last and how much better you feel after.
And remember it's a two way street, right?
Well, it's about listening to your partner, their feelings, actively
listening and validating their emotions and not trying to gaslight or dismiss
(12:03):
their feelings.
At the beginning, I was bad at that.
The way I felt is why do you feel this way when I don't?
There's no way you actually feel this way.
There's something else.
And I gaslight the shit out of Ashley.
And then beginning, I'm not proud of it.
I now recognize and I've apologized saying, I'm sorry.
(12:23):
I didn't mean to make you feel this way.
What you feel is valid.
Now I ask questions to try and understand.
And sometimes my questions come out like I'm gaslighting, but I have to
reword them.
I'm not trying to invalidate you.
I'm really just asking questions to understand.
(12:44):
I'm seeking to understand.
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(13:11):
What's the most important part is creating a safe place for honest dialogue.
That is so important.
You might want to set some ground rules for your check-ins.
Like agreeing to speak without interruptions and taking turns.
This can help both of you feel heard and respected.
(13:35):
What's the word I'm looking for?
It also reduces the chances of misunderstanding or misinterpreting
something said, because in these conversations we get wrong and we get real.
Sometimes it comes out not how we meant it to be, but how we're going to
be taken in a completely different way.
Let your partner fully embellish on their idea or thought or feeling.
(14:01):
At first you might be taken back, but if you sit and listen, you actually understand.
Another thing us guys deal with that we don't talk about,
times our toxic masculinity shows.
And if we feel jealous, it usually doesn't come out pretty well unless
we practice a lot of guys deal with it.
(14:23):
Get quiet.
A lot of some guys get angry.
They pick fights.
They get passive aggressive with their partner and other people in a group.
It's not pretty.
And it's definitely a red flag saying that they're dealing with
something, but are afraid to share it.
Our general practice for Ashley and myself is when something triggers
(14:47):
us that bad where I feel anxious, angry, or passive aggressive, we stop
whatever we're doing and find it to figure it out.
And sometimes that's the end of the night for us.
It's happened before, because sometimes we're not ready to talk about it.
Like I said, I like to unpack things internally before I share them.
(15:11):
That's just how I work.
If Ashley sees me a certain way, she can tell if I'm not okay.
We've been together long enough.
She can just see with my body language, facial expressions, tone,
and choice of words that I'm not okay.
I'll just keep going because I don't want to ruin everybody else's time.
I am a Pisces through and I am a people pleaser.
(15:33):
It's a toxic trait of mine.
I want everyone to be happy.
Right.
I generally don't say anything in that moment.
And that's about it.
I'm not perfect.
I'm still working on it, but my partner knows me so well.
We've had enough of these one-on-one conversations that she will stop it for me.
(15:55):
And I love her for that.
She's let's go over here.
Let's go get a drink.
Let's step outside for a minute.
She'll just blurt out.
What's wrong?
Are you okay?
I might be like, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
We all say it.
I'm good.
I'm fine.
She knows I'm not fine.
So she'll take it upon herself.
(16:16):
Be like, I don't feel great.
I'm really tired.
Can we leave?
I'm done for tonight.
She knows that I'm dealing with something.
And I would, I do the same for her.
If I know she's not comfortable, I'd be like, I don't feel great guys.
I think we're going to head back to the room or go to bed.
And then when we get together, we'll talk about it in private and see what was actually
(16:40):
going on.
Cause there's some things that you just don't want to stop in the moment and ruin everybody
else's vibe.
That's where my head goes.
Anyways, I don't want to ruin everybody else's good time because I'm having a moment.
So we just remove ourselves and disappear.
(17:01):
People have mentioned it to us like, where'd you guys go?
You guys disappeared.
Most of the time it's us just getting distracted, but every once in a while we're having a moment
and needed to talk in private.
Sometimes we come back to the party and we're good.
Sometimes we come back, but like, I just don't feel good.
If we're going to leave or have some excuse to get out of there.
(17:26):
I feel like I just rambled.
That's the bad part of not having my person with me to reel me in when I ramble.
But I think we were talking about jealousy and trust me, these feelings can hit hard,
but they can be managed.
First off, we need to take a moment to explore why you're feeling just jealous.
(17:50):
Like I said, I do this internally by myself.
Some of us find it helpful when we have a partner.
Talking with someone is healthier because they give you different perspectives
and they can really talk you out of the jealousy.
You have to figure out where it's rooted first.
Is it rooted in the insecurity about your relationship or something more personal?
(18:13):
Talking it with your partner and Julian can be a great way to sort these out.
Write down what's bothering you and see if a pattern emerges so you can find the root cause.
Therapy helps whether it's couples therapy if they know you're in a certain lifestyle
and can help you through this.
Ashley and myself can give our perspective.
We're not professional therapists or life coaches.
(18:36):
Our advice is really just our opinions.
Like this is what happened and this is how we dealt with it.
It doesn't work for a lot of people.
Reflect on your past experiences.
Have you had to deal with jealousy in previous relationships before this one?
Understanding your triggers can help you address them more effectively.
(18:58):
Once you get that root cause and figure out where the jealousy is getting triggered,
you can work through it with your partner.
Not always can these triggers be worked through, at least not immediately.
If you still want to explore a lifestyle and you have these triggers,
(19:21):
this is where boundaries come in.
Having clear boundaries is essential for both you and your partner to feel secure.
Sit down together and discuss what works for you.
For example, how much information do you want to share about your encounters?
If you play separate, how much do you really want to know?
(19:42):
Do you want to know every dirty little detail or do you just want generalities?
Are there certain activities that are off limits?
A lot of people entering the lifestyle, it's a no kissing thing because it feels too intimate to them.
There's too much connection.
Other times, like Ashley and myself for the first three years, we were same room only.
(20:05):
We only played together.
We're now just more recently exploring separate adventures,
but our communication has grown so much in this last five years
that we are comfortable enough to venture out a little bit and then come back and unpack it.
I did this and how do you feel about it? Stuff like that.
(20:29):
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Here's an idea and we still have it in our back pocket if we absolutely need it.
Consider using a safe word or a signal here in a group at a party saying a safe word or showing a signal.
(21:16):
It can be a way to communicate discomfort without making a big scene.
A lot of times we don't say something because we're not trying to kill the vibe of the whole room.
These are simple little ways where we can communicate that with our partner,
but not kill the vibe.
It's all about enforcing trust and reassuring that both of you feel safe and respected.
(21:42):
That's what it's all about.
Once you feel safe and respected and you know how to navigate to keep those boundaries about feeling safe and respected,
you can explore all kinds of different fantasies and fulfill them exactly how you want.
But we got to talk about it first.
Now let's shift gears a little bit.
(22:05):
Let's talk about rekindling or reclaiming or reconnecting intimacy in your relationship.
When you get swept up in all the excitement and glitz and glam of the lifestyle,
it's easy to forget about nourishing that special connection with your partner.
(22:27):
Most of us are so solid that it's almost assumed that we're both good if we're not communicating a certain feeling or emotion or signaling.
But if we're so solid that it's sometimes easy to forget that we're there to have a good time with our partner.
(22:50):
Me, Ashley and I always say the same thing.
This is an us thing and as soon as it's not an us thing anymore, then why are we doing it?
That's our philosophy behind it.
But sometimes you get in a rut just like every relationship and you have to reunite that spark and prioritize quality time together.
(23:15):
Regular date nights are a great way to do this.
Catching dinner or a movie, just reconnecting emotionally and physically.
That physical part is just as important as the emotional part.
You don't want your partner to feel you aren't physically attracted to them anymore.
Every relationship has a lull every once in a while.
(23:39):
We've gone through it.
I think every relationship has.
But those are the times to take a step back from the lifestyle a little bit.
Because if you keep going to all these clubs or parties and you're not physically and emotionally connected with your partner,
one of you can very easily think you're not attracted to them anymore.
(24:03):
Even though it's farther from the truth, that's how they feel.
And that's something that you guys have to deal with as a couple.
So don't shy away from trying new activities, whether it's taking dancing lessons or exploring a new hiking trail.
Something new can get you closer, snap you out of the ruts and reconnect.
(24:26):
Give it time, then take another step forward in the lifestyle.
So again, this is a us thing, not a them thing.
We're not looking to replace our partners.
We're there to enhance our connection with our partner.
It's all about fun and enhancement and not about replacing anything.
(24:47):
That's a giant misconception that vanilla people think, oh, my partner doesn't satisfy me.
I'm going to these parties to have fun with my friends, have fun with my wife.
And if I just so happen to play with somebody, that's just icing on the cake because I'm already having a great time.
My opinion is after any experiences, make it a habit to have a debriefing,
(25:17):
talk about what you both enjoyed, any discomfort or feelings and how the experience impacted your relationship.
People don't want to talk about emotions.
There's a misconception that swingers don't have emotions when they're playing with other people.
That's not true. There are so many emotions.
But you also have to recognize the emotions.
(25:38):
I can love my friends to the moon and back, but it's not the same type of love that I love my wife.
It's that simple. These conversations and debriefings and unpackings and reconnecting or reclaiming, however you want to call it.
It's it's a great way to foster connection and address any issues that may arise and prevent them from arising again.
(26:09):
Sometimes things come back up, but that's where you have another conversation.
One thing I want to bring up is to remember to express appreciation for your partner,
compliment them on how they handle a certain encounter, let them know how much you enjoyed coming back to them and reconnecting with them.
(26:34):
Something that's not talked about a lot is aftercare.
It's talked a lot about in the BDSM lifestyle aftercare, and it looks very similar in the lifestyle.
We can't. Everybody's aftercare looks a little bit different.
Don't forget the power of everybody's aftercare looks a little bit different.
(27:00):
But I know for us personally, it's a lot of physical intimacy, cuddling, kissing.
Being affectionate for us really enhances our emotional connection.
We are very physical people. That is my love language. Physical touch.
I want to sit there and hold you and tell you how much I love you and how pretty you are and how hot you were the night before.
(27:29):
That's just how I am. But I know Ashley's love language is more verbal.
She was be told how much she's loved. I don't know how you guys do it,
but you just have to find a way to navigate some type of aftercare.
And everybody's looks a little bit different.
Now that we've talked about overcoming some of these struggles, let's discuss what it means to succeed.
(27:55):
Success here often means feeling fulfilled, connected, and our relationship while exploring new experiences.
So we need to really succeed. We need a I'm very logical mind.
So this is how my mind works. I need to set not an expectation, but a goal.
(28:17):
Start discussing what you both hope to achieve through the lifestyle.
Are you looking to spice things up, enhance things?
Are you here to explore fantasies or simply meet new people and enjoy the vibe?
But having clear goals like that can help guide your experiences without missteps.
(28:42):
Secondly, prioritize your relationship. Always put your primary relationship first.
Connections we make are great, but make it a priority to communicate openly and check in with your partner regularly.
Your relationship should be the foundation upon which your experiences are built. Period.
(29:06):
I am unwavering in that. So is Ashley. We've always said this is an us thing.
Third, I would say stay educated. Learn about the lifestyle. Read books. Listen to podcasts.
Engage with the community itself. Talking to people that have been in the lifestyle for a while can give you insights that you didn't think of before.
(29:32):
The more you know, the more confident and prepared you're going to feel. So don't be afraid to talk to other people.
We have some great friendships here and everybody's so open. Talk. Who do they think about things?
How do they think about a certain situation? It's that simple.
Another one is you have to. We are forever growing and evolving as individuals and couples.
(29:57):
Understand that your feelings and desires may evolve over time and be flexible, willing to adapt your boundaries and experiences as you both grow and navigate.
Like I said, Ashley and I, when we first found the lifestyle, we only played together.
We like the exhibitionism of the lifestyle. We played in public places, in clubs together.
(30:23):
We like being watched. That simple. Then as we grew, we went to full swap.
And then once we went full swap, we went into a whole bunch of other different experiences. We just find what works for us.
People always say, I don't say we say it anymore because we don't, because we've grown enough, because we're these people now that boundaries.
(30:48):
People that say they don't have boundaries is a red flag. We still have our own core boundaries.
What comes to communication with another spouse is within a group. That's our biggest one. Communication boundaries.
When it comes to actual experiences, we've evolved so much that we will let you know if we hit a boundary, if we don't like it.
(31:15):
And it's nothing against the person or people that we're with. If we find something that we're not comfortable with, we stop it.
That's how we've grown and evolved. That's not everybody's journey. Some boundaries people have for their entire relationship. And that's OK, too.
Everybody's journey is a little bit different. So this is just my take on it. This is going to sound weird.
(31:39):
And this is maybe the manager in me. This might be the management in me, but you have to be able to celebrate your wins.
Acknowledge and celebrate the positive experience that you've had together. We talk about all of great stuff we've done all the time.
(32:00):
It reconnects us as a couple. We talked to the other people that we did it with and it's great chemistry.
But whether it's a successful night out or just a meaningful conversation, recognize those moments. It really brings you two together.
As we wrap this up, remember that the struggles you face in this lifestyle are completely normal. They can be addressed through open communication, setting boundaries and nurturing your core relationship.
(32:35):
Those three pillars right there are going to strengthen your and increase your success within this lifestyle and your relationship, which is really the most important thing.
So I hope you found today's discussion helpful. I encourage you to tackle some challenges head on.
(32:56):
And remember that it's all about growth and understanding and deepening your connection with your partner. Thank you for stopping by.
If you made it this far, you're a real one. If you enjoyed it, subscribe, share it with somebody that you think it might help. But until next time, it's not that serious. Don't make it weird. See you guys.
this week on Hot Couple Chronicles.
(00:02):
I just wanted to let you know that if you're dealing with something, you are not
alone opening the lines of communication with your partner or with a close friend
or another guy is huge.
It's a game changer.
The first couple of times you do it, it's a little weird because we're not used
(00:22):
to having these conversations.
Talking with someone is healthier because they give you different perspectives
and they can really talk you out of the jealousy.
This is an us thing.
And as soon as it's not an us thing anymore, then why are we doing it?
Like that's a misconception about swingers is it's kind of a swingers
(00:42):
versus poly thing is, oh, swingers don't have emotions when they're
playing with other people.
That's not true.
There's so many emotions.
Your relationship should be the foundation upon which your experiences are built.
Period.
I am unwavering in that.
Welcome to Hot Couple Chronicles, a podcast exploring the swinging lifestyle.
(01:06):
Our discussions may contain explicit content and adult themes intended for
mature audiences.
While we strive to offer valuable insights and entertainment, please be
aware that the views expressed are based on personal experiences and opinions.
We encourage listeners to approach the content with an open mind and to
prioritize communication, consent, and respect in their relationships.
(01:28):
Remember everyone's journey is unique.
So take what resonates with you and leave what doesn't.
Thank you for joining us on our adventure.
(01:57):
Hey there, I'm Russ and welcome back to Hot Couple Chronicles.
As you can see, Ashley is not here this week, but I'm excited to explore
some important topics that you may have been facing in the lifestyle.
It's unique that you're just going to get the male's perspective,
or at least my perspective anyways.
(02:18):
If you have feeling a bit overwhelmed or seeing some challenges,
you're definitely not alone.
Today, we're going to dig into some struggles that a lot of people
have encountered in their lives.
And I'll share some tips on how to overcome these hurdles and how we
can thrive and have the best time.
So let's grab a drink and get started.
(02:40):
All right, gentlemen, cheers.
I got my drink.
I hope you got yours.
If you're new here, welcome.
This is Hot Couple Chronicles.
Usually my gorgeous wife's here with me, but like I said earlier, she's out of
town, so I'm going to get started.
Like I said earlier, she's out of town, so you're just stuck with me.
(03:02):
Sorry, not sorry.
And if you're returning, welcome back.
This is a weird situation and I am so uncomfortable right now.
Do you have any idea how weird it is talking to yourself into a camera for
you guys?
This is out of my comfort zone, but I'm here for it.
I like to push boundaries and try new things.
(03:24):
So let's dive into some issues that we might come across.
When we get into the lifestyle, we think it's going to be smooth sailing.
We, as in Ashley, myself, other podcasters, other social media personalities in this
(03:47):
lifestyle space, portray it to be rainbows and unicorns all the time.
But there are real deep conversations that we have with our partners because
this lifestyle brings up a lot of stuff that you didn't even know you were
dealing with.
I just want to let you know that if you're dealing with something, you are not
alone.
(04:07):
It is completely normal to face challenges like jealousy, insecurity,
confusion about boundaries.
You might find yourself feeling anxious when you see it, your partner enjoying
time with someone else, or you might be worried about how the lifestyle impacts
your emotional connection.
So let's take a moment to think about where these feelings come from.
A lot of us grew up in a pretty traditional view of relationships, right?
(04:32):
I'd say 99% of us have.
So when you step into swinging, you can feel like you're going against the grain.
You feel like you're almost doing something wrong.
You're waiting to get caught by someone.
It's part of the excitement when you first get in the lifestyle, but it can stem
a lot of anxiety and paranoia.
(04:52):
This can lead to feelings of guilt and it can be tough to shake off sometimes.
But here's the thing.
These feelings are completely normal.
It's important to acknowledge them and understand that you're not alone in this
journey.
Not only do we have our partners, but we have the friendships that we've built
with these other amazing dudes.
Let's be honest.
(05:12):
I have some of the best friends I've ever had in my life.
I still have some older friends from my vanilla life beforehand that stuck around
and I love dearly, but I have met some of the most amazing guys that let you just
unload on them without judgment.
It's freaking awesome.
We build some great friendships in this community, so let's use them.
(05:37):
Let's talk to each other.
I feel like we're already going against the grain a lot of the times and it's
unnatural for other guys to confide in other guys.
So let's normalize that.
Let's bring up how a certain situation made you feel.
We're always taught as young young men to not talk about feelings.
(05:58):
That's something a woman does.
Let's break that.
Honestly, let's just do it.
The first step of getting past these feelings and situations is acknowledging
them and finding where they come from.
90% of the time I say it's with my wife.
Other times, sometimes it's in like say another 5%.
(06:21):
It's something that I think through and deal with before I communicate with Ashley.
That's just how my brain works.
Not everyone's like that.
Some people need to get it out immediately.
I like to digest and logically think about how I feel before I talk to Ashley.
It's just how I am.
(06:42):
But there are a lot of times that after I thought I dealt with it and was talking
to Ashley, she gives me a different perspective to think on opening the
lines of communication with your partner or with a close friend or another guy is
huge. It's a game changer.
(07:04):
We pride ourselves on communicating with our partners, but I personally feel
like it's important to build communication skills outside our relationship.
We're already sharing the most intimate parts of our relationship.
So why are we afraid to talk?
Something so simple can change everything.
Make the worst situations become some of the best situations.
(07:29):
We build some of the closest friendships because of this communication and the
lifestyle.
I have some of the best group of guy friends.
I can call any of these guys up and without question, if I need help or just need
to talk, I don't care what time of day it is.
They're there for me.
I have no question about it.
And they know that they can call me at any time of the day and I'm there.
(07:53):
It's humbling.
It's also empowering.
It's a crazy melting pot of emotions to have these awesome friendships, both male
and female, but guys really connect with other guys.
It's for the boys.
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It's almost like a fraternity, I guess it would be the equivalent or apparently
it's equivalent or a parallel to it.
(08:58):
I'd say it's a little bit deeper than a fraternity, but anyways, one of the best
things you can do with your partner, set aside a regular time to check in with
them, find a quiet evening, a date night after the kids go to bed, go to a coffee
shop, a quiet bar or sit down and have a drink at home on the couch or on the
(09:20):
porch, just be able to connect with your person.
During these check ins, start with open ended questions like how are you feeling
about this experience or what do you think about when I did this or that?
Is there anything that's been bothering you?
Is there anything that I did that made you feel a certain sort of way?
(09:44):
It invites your partner to share without feeling pressured.
Open ended questions are because there is no definite yes or no answer.
It's just how do you feel?
The more you do that, the easier it comes.
The first couple of times you do it, it's a little weird because we're not
used to having these conversations after actually in my first lifestyle
(10:07):
experience, our first full swap, we unpacked that for two or three weeks.
I can't tell you the exact amount of time, but it was a while.
Because so much happened.
We would talk about it, tell each other how we felt this was hot.
I didn't like this.
We knew we were good, but we kept remembering different things.
(10:28):
That's everything was happening so fast.
Did you see this person do this?
We unpacked it for weeks.
The conversations don't take as long to unpack anymore, but we still
usually take a couple of days afterwards.
But did you see this happen?
Yeah, I saw that.
That was awesome.
Or yeah, that's a red flag.
Sometimes when it's your turn to share, try to use I statements.
(10:51):
For example, instead of saying, you make me feel anxious saying, I feel anxious
when I think about you doing this or with someone else or this particular person.
Even some of the strongest couples and the most experienced lifestyle
people have certain triggers like after talking to them, we're good, but
(11:15):
there are certain people that did nothing wrong to me or my husband.
I just get triggered.
I feel like their connections are too deep or too intimate.
And it makes me feel anxious.
And the way they communicate it is I feel anxious when so and so did this.
(11:36):
And they'd be like, really? and it opens up a whole dialogue.
It's actually impressive how these conversations and how long these
conversations can last and how much better you feel after.
And remember it's a two way street, right?
Well, it's about listening to your partner, their feelings, actively
listening and validating their emotions and not trying to gaslight or dismiss
(12:03):
their feelings.
At the beginning, I was bad at that.
The way I felt is why do you feel this way when I don't?
There's no way you actually feel this way.
There's something else.
And I gaslight the shit out of Ashley.
And then beginning, I'm not proud of it.
I now recognize and I've apologized saying, I'm sorry.
(12:23):
I didn't mean to make you feel this way.
What you feel is valid.
Now I ask questions to try and understand.
And sometimes my questions come out like I'm gaslighting, but I have to
reword them.
I'm not trying to invalidate you.
I'm really just asking questions to understand.
(12:44):
I'm seeking to understand.
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(13:11):
What's the most important part is creating a safe place for honest dialogue.
That is so important.
You might want to set some ground rules for your check-ins.
Like agreeing to speak without interruptions and taking turns.
This can help both of you feel heard and respected.
(13:35):
What's the word I'm looking for?
It also reduces the chances of misunderstanding or misinterpreting
something said, because in these conversations we get wrong and we get real.
Sometimes it comes out not how we meant it to be, but how we're going to
be taken in a completely different way.
Let your partner fully embellish on their idea or thought or feeling.
(14:01):
At first you might be taken back, but if you sit and listen, you actually understand.
Another thing us guys deal with that we don't talk about,
times our toxic masculinity shows.
And if we feel jealous, it usually doesn't come out pretty well unless
we practice a lot of guys deal with it.
(14:23):
Get quiet.
A lot of some guys get angry.
They pick fights.
They get passive aggressive with their partner and other people in a group.
It's not pretty.
And it's definitely a red flag saying that they're dealing with
something, but are afraid to share it.
Our general practice for Ashley and myself is when something triggers
(14:47):
us that bad where I feel anxious, angry, or passive aggressive, we stop
whatever we're doing and find it to figure it out.
And sometimes that's the end of the night for us.
It's happened before, because sometimes we're not ready to talk about it.
Like I said, I like to unpack things internally before I share them.
(15:11):
That's just how I work.
If Ashley sees me a certain way, she can tell if I'm not okay.
We've been together long enough.
She can just see with my body language, facial expressions, tone,
and choice of words that I'm not okay.
I'll just keep going because I don't want to ruin everybody else's time.
I am a Pisces through and I am a people pleaser.
(15:33):
It's a toxic trait of mine.
I want everyone to be happy.
Right.
I generally don't say anything in that moment.
And that's about it.
I'm not perfect.
I'm still working on it, but my partner knows me so well.
We've had enough of these one-on-one conversations that she will stop it for me.
(15:55):
And I love her for that.
She's let's go over here.
Let's go get a drink.
Let's step outside for a minute.
She'll just blurt out.
What's wrong?
Are you okay?
I might be like, I'm fine.
I'm fine.
We all say it.
I'm good.
I'm fine.
She knows I'm not fine.
So she'll take it upon herself.
(16:16):
Be like, I don't feel great.
I'm really tired.
Can we leave?
I'm done for tonight.
She knows that I'm dealing with something.
And I would, I do the same for her.
If I know she's not comfortable, I'd be like, I don't feel great guys.
I think we're going to head back to the room or go to bed.
And then when we get together, we'll talk about it in private and see what was actually
(16:40):
going on.
Cause there's some things that you just don't want to stop in the moment and ruin everybody
else's vibe.
That's where my head goes.
Anyways, I don't want to ruin everybody else's good time because I'm having a moment.
So we just remove ourselves and disappear.
(17:01):
People have mentioned it to us like, where'd you guys go?
You guys disappeared.
Most of the time it's us just getting distracted, but every once in a while we're having a moment
and needed to talk in private.
Sometimes we come back to the party and we're good.
Sometimes we come back, but like, I just don't feel good.
If we're going to leave or have some excuse to get out of there.
(17:26):
I feel like I just rambled.
That's the bad part of not having my person with me to reel me in when I ramble.
But I think we were talking about jealousy and trust me, these feelings can hit hard,
but they can be managed.
First off, we need to take a moment to explore why you're feeling just jealous.
(17:50):
Like I said, I do this internally by myself.
Some of us find it helpful when we have a partner.
Talking with someone is healthier because they give you different perspectives
and they can really talk you out of the jealousy.
You have to figure out where it's rooted first.
Is it rooted in the insecurity about your relationship or something more personal?
(18:13):
Talking it with your partner and Julian can be a great way to sort these out.
Write down what's bothering you and see if a pattern emerges so you can find the root cause.
Therapy helps whether it's couples therapy if they know you're in a certain lifestyle
and can help you through this.
Ashley and myself can give our perspective.
We're not professional therapists or life coaches.
(18:36):
Our advice is really just our opinions.
Like this is what happened and this is how we dealt with it.
It doesn't work for a lot of people.
Reflect on your past experiences.
Have you had to deal with jealousy in previous relationships before this one?
Understanding your triggers can help you address them more effectively.
(18:58):
Once you get that root cause and figure out where the jealousy is getting triggered,
you can work through it with your partner.
Not always can these triggers be worked through, at least not immediately.
If you still want to explore a lifestyle and you have these triggers,
(19:21):
this is where boundaries come in.
Having clear boundaries is essential for both you and your partner to feel secure.
Sit down together and discuss what works for you.
For example, how much information do you want to share about your encounters?
If you play separate, how much do you really want to know?
(19:42):
Do you want to know every dirty little detail or do you just want generalities?
Are there certain activities that are off limits?
A lot of people entering the lifestyle, it's a no kissing thing because it feels too intimate to them.
There's too much connection.
Other times, like Ashley and myself for the first three years, we were same room only.
(20:05):
We only played together.
We're now just more recently exploring separate adventures,
but our communication has grown so much in this last five years
that we are comfortable enough to venture out a little bit and then come back and unpack it.
I did this and how do you feel about it? Stuff like that.
(20:29):
Hey everyone.
If you ever wondered where we get our outfits, accessories,
and even some of the cool decor that you see in our content, look no further.
We've got it all linked in our Amazon storefront.
From stylish fits, fun accessories to the decor that sets the vibe,
we've handpicked our favorites just for you.
Head over to our Amazon storefront to check it out and you might just find something that fits your style.
(20:51):
Shopping our picks helps support the show.
So thank you for all the love.
Here's an idea and we still have it in our back pocket if we absolutely need it.
Consider using a safe word or a signal here in a group at a party saying a safe word or showing a signal.
(21:16):
It can be a way to communicate discomfort without making a big scene.
A lot of times we don't say something because we're not trying to kill the vibe of the whole room.
These are simple little ways where we can communicate that with our partner,
but not kill the vibe.
It's all about enforcing trust and reassuring that both of you feel safe and respected.
(21:42):
That's what it's all about.
Once you feel safe and respected and you know how to navigate to keep those boundaries about feeling safe and respected,
you can explore all kinds of different fantasies and fulfill them exactly how you want.
But we got to talk about it first.
Now let's shift gears a little bit.
(22:05):
Let's talk about rekindling or reclaiming or reconnecting intimacy in your relationship.
When you get swept up in all the excitement and glitz and glam of the lifestyle,
it's easy to forget about nourishing that special connection with your partner.
(22:27):
Most of us are so solid that it's almost assumed that we're both good if we're not communicating a certain feeling or emotion or signaling.
But if we're so solid that it's sometimes easy to forget that we're there to have a good time with our partner.
(22:50):
Me, Ashley and I always say the same thing.
This is an us thing and as soon as it's not an us thing anymore, then why are we doing it?
That's our philosophy behind it.
But sometimes you get in a rut just like every relationship and you have to reunite that spark and prioritize quality time together.
(23:15):
Regular date nights are a great way to do this.
Catching dinner or a movie, just reconnecting emotionally and physically.
That physical part is just as important as the emotional part.
You don't want your partner to feel you aren't physically attracted to them anymore.
Every relationship has a lull every once in a while.
(23:39):
We've gone through it.
I think every relationship has.
But those are the times to take a step back from the lifestyle a little bit.
Because if you keep going to all these clubs or parties and you're not physically and emotionally connected with your partner,
one of you can very easily think you're not attracted to them anymore.
(24:03):
Even though it's farther from the truth, that's how they feel.
And that's something that you guys have to deal with as a couple.
So don't shy away from trying new activities, whether it's taking dancing lessons or exploring a new hiking trail.
Something new can get you closer, snap you out of the ruts and reconnect.
(24:26):
Give it time, then take another step forward in the lifestyle.
So again, this is a us thing, not a them thing.
We're not looking to replace our partners.
We're there to enhance our connection with our partner.
It's all about fun and enhancement and not about replacing anything.
(24:47):
That's a giant misconception that vanilla people think, oh, my partner doesn't satisfy me.
I'm going to these parties to have fun with my friends, have fun with my wife.
And if I just so happen to play with somebody, that's just icing on the cake because I'm already having a great time.
My opinion is after any experiences, make it a habit to have a debriefing,
(25:17):
talk about what you both enjoyed, any discomfort or feelings and how the experience impacted your relationship.
People don't want to talk about emotions.
There's a misconception that swingers don't have emotions when they're playing with other people.
That's not true. There are so many emotions.
But you also have to recognize the emotions.
(25:38):
I can love my friends to the moon and back, but it's not the same type of love that I love my wife.
It's that simple. These conversations and debriefings and unpackings and reconnecting or reclaiming, however you want to call it.
It's it's a great way to foster connection and address any issues that may arise and prevent them from arising again.
(26:09):
Sometimes things come back up, but that's where you have another conversation.
One thing I want to bring up is to remember to express appreciation for your partner,
compliment them on how they handle a certain encounter, let them know how much you enjoyed coming back to them and reconnecting with them.
(26:34):
Something that's not talked about a lot is aftercare.
It's talked a lot about in the BDSM lifestyle aftercare, and it looks very similar in the lifestyle.
We can't. Everybody's aftercare looks a little bit different.
Don't forget the power of everybody's aftercare looks a little bit different.
(27:00):
But I know for us personally, it's a lot of physical intimacy, cuddling, kissing.
Being affectionate for us really enhances our emotional connection.
We are very physical people. That is my love language. Physical touch.
I want to sit there and hold you and tell you how much I love you and how pretty you are and how hot you were the night before.
(27:29):
That's just how I am. But I know Ashley's love language is more verbal.
She was be told how much she's loved. I don't know how you guys do it,
but you just have to find a way to navigate some type of aftercare.
And everybody's looks a little bit different.
Now that we've talked about overcoming some of these struggles, let's discuss what it means to succeed.
(27:55):
Success here often means feeling fulfilled, connected, and our relationship while exploring new experiences.
So we need to really succeed. We need a I'm very logical mind.
So this is how my mind works. I need to set not an expectation, but a goal.
(28:17):
Start discussing what you both hope to achieve through the lifestyle.
Are you looking to spice things up, enhance things?
Are you here to explore fantasies or simply meet new people and enjoy the vibe?
But having clear goals like that can help guide your experiences without missteps.
(28:42):
Secondly, prioritize your relationship. Always put your primary relationship first.
Connections we make are great, but make it a priority to communicate openly and check in with your partner regularly.
Your relationship should be the foundation upon which your experiences are built. Period.
(29:06):
I am unwavering in that. So is Ashley. We've always said this is an us thing.
Third, I would say stay educated. Learn about the lifestyle. Read books. Listen to podcasts.
Engage with the community itself. Talking to people that have been in the lifestyle for a while can give you insights that you didn't think of before.
(29:32):
The more you know, the more confident and prepared you're going to feel. So don't be afraid to talk to other people.
We have some great friendships here and everybody's so open. Talk. Who do they think about things?
How do they think about a certain situation? It's that simple.
Another one is you have to. We are forever growing and evolving as individuals and couples.
(29:57):
Understand that your feelings and desires may evolve over time and be flexible, willing to adapt your boundaries and experiences as you both grow and navigate.
Like I said, Ashley and I, when we first found the lifestyle, we only played together.
We like the exhibitionism of the lifestyle. We played in public places, in clubs together.
(30:23):
We like being watched. That simple. Then as we grew, we went to full swap.
And then once we went full swap, we went into a whole bunch of other different experiences. We just find what works for us.
People always say, I don't say we say it anymore because we don't, because we've grown enough, because we're these people now that boundaries.
(30:48):
People that say they don't have boundaries is a red flag. We still have our own core boundaries.
What comes to communication with another spouse is within a group. That's our biggest one. Communication boundaries.
When it comes to actual experiences, we've evolved so much that we will let you know if we hit a boundary, if we don't like it.
(31:15):
And it's nothing against the person or people that we're with. If we find something that we're not comfortable with, we stop it.
That's how we've grown and evolved. That's not everybody's journey. Some boundaries people have for their entire relationship. And that's OK, too.
Everybody's journey is a little bit different. So this is just my take on it. This is going to sound weird.
(31:39):
And this is maybe the manager in me. This might be the management in me, but you have to be able to celebrate your wins.
Acknowledge and celebrate the positive experience that you've had together. We talk about all of great stuff we've done all the time.
(32:00):
It reconnects us as a couple. We talked to the other people that we did it with and it's great chemistry.
But whether it's a successful night out or just a meaningful conversation, recognize those moments. It really brings you two together.
As we wrap this up, remember that the struggles you face in this lifestyle are completely normal. They can be addressed through open communication, setting boundaries and nurturing your core relationship.
(32:35):
Those three pillars right there are going to strengthen your and increase your success within this lifestyle and your relationship, which is really the most important thing.
So I hope you found today's discussion helpful. I encourage you to tackle some challenges head on.
(32:56):
And remember that it's all about growth and understanding and deepening your connection with your partner. Thank you for stopping by.
If you made it this far, you're a real one. If you enjoyed it, subscribe, share it with somebody that you think it might help. But until next time, it's not that serious. Don't make it weird. See you guys.
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