October 31, 2022 • 23 mins
Hot Survivors Near You is a horror-adventure audio drama about you for you, and voted on by you. Think Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy meets Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari. Give us a listen, after all - You May Not Die in This One.
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_02 (00:01):
No matter what happens, you must remember none
of it is your fault.
SPEAKER_00 (00:33):
Top Survivors Near You is an audience participation
experience sponsored by LifesaveTechnology.
Lifesave, because death is soboring it hurts.
Episode 1, you may not die inthis one.
SPEAKER_02 (00:48):
As you limp down the corridor, you see a pastel pink
level 12 painted on the cinderblock wall.
And again, you feel the coldglass of the test tube slipping
through your fingers, as it dida minute ago.
That biohazard label had to havebeen a joke.
No such thing as BSL-5.
Hazards only go up to four.
(01:08):
Everyone knows that.
Remember the crunch when Pam,the lab tech, stepped on it?
The desperate ring of sirens?
Pam's eyes boring into yours,intimate and distant at the same
time?
You will never see her like thatagain.
It had to be an interlab prank.
They used to be such trickstersback in Lab 314, before they all
(01:32):
stopped breathing.
No matter what happens, you mustremember, none of this is your
fault.
You should be to the elevator bynow.
You can't see the end of thehallway?
That can't be true, can it?
Anything is possible in the labsat DevCorp.
(01:53):
In your darkest dreams, youremember blood seeping from
under the door in Lab 305.
Every morning, you would callthe janitors to clean it.
And every morning, it was alittle bit farther down the hall
than the day before.
You imagined all of Lab 305 is agiant heart, pumping and
pumping.
When you close your eyes, youcan hear it.
(02:17):
Don't close your eyes.
This is no time for existentialpanic.
Get out of the building.
Your eyes flicker over every bitof wall and floor, searching out
the shine of the reflectiveelevator doors.
Nothing.
Do the lights just flicker?
That is bad.
(02:38):
Everyone told you not to work atDevCorp.
They said the health insurancedidn't cover hearts.
They said the pay was mediocre.
They said that the sheep peopleof 341 had learned to say, kill
us, but not please.
That the real company moneymakerwas black market organs.
The slogan should have tippedyou off.
Immortality forever is soundingworse by the minute.
(03:03):
Speaking of sounds, what wasthat?
You try and choke down yourterror.
Is that Pam?
She must have followed you.
Her hands are drawn intopermanent claws, scratching and
scratching and scratching at thewalls as she runs down the hall.
Her arm fat jiggles at youaccusingly.
(03:23):
You'd think she'd have stoppedwhen her nails wore off, but no,
no.
That's Pam for you.
What a prankster.
When she looks at you with herdead, filmy eyes, you wonder if
she remembers asking you outlast Thursday.
Spaghetti.
You were going to eat spaghettitogether.
UNKNOWN (03:41):
What?
SPEAKER_02 (03:42):
That test tube was wobbly at best, you screech as
you limp faster.
Pam responds with anear-splitting wail.
Who could have predicted shewould take rejection so
personally?
I mean, it's not like youghosted her.
Well...
Christ, she never moved thatfast when she was alive.
You found the elevator.
(04:03):
In a fit of wild devotion, youhave to stop yourself from
licking the metal doors to besure they are real.
Best not, given the timeconstraints.
It has never felt so good topush a button as it does right
now.
Like every nerve in your body isconnected to that index finger,
and the slight give as the lightturns on and the bell dings.
(04:24):
Bliss.
You slump into the elevator andpush the button for the first
floor.
Pam is very, very close now.
You can see a black dribble downher chin.
You instinctively rub your mouthlike,"'Something on your face,
Pam?' She lunges for the doubledoors and misses by about six
inches.
(04:45):
You push the button over andover, even though you know it
doesn't speed anything up.
And then the doors close atlast.
Nothing personal, you shoutthrough the doors at Pam.
But secretly, you fear she mayhave taken it very personally
after all.
It's just anotherrun-of-the-mill disaster,
probably limited to lab 314.
(05:06):
DevCorp definitely has a planfor something like this.
I mean, they had to get permitsfor the biohazard materials,
right?
Well, all of that is above yourpay grade anyway.
You're just a security guard.
Those are CEO kind of problems.
You think of all of the otherdisasters you've seen.
Videos this year of burningphosphorus raining fire on
people's homes, the thunderingbombs of a dictator, the mass
(05:29):
graves...
This is just like that.
Nothing new.
Just a normal, regular-sized,completely average, absolutely
dull disaster.
FEMA will come in and clean thisup.
It's an inconvenience, really.
Just remember, none of it isyour fault.
(05:55):
You're feeling shaken as youdrive home after a brutally
final day at work.
The company didn't have to haveyour fellow security guards
escort you out.
You weren't trying to make ascene.
Uncalled for.
Your supervisor, Frank, keptglancing back at you from the
bottom right corner of his eyes,like you were a criminal.
They did that out of spite.
(06:16):
They even left your securitybracelet on.
The white, scratchy plastic, apermanent reminder of their hold
over you.
You didn't find your jobparticularly rewarding, and part
of you was happy it's over.
But...
That part of you doesn't pay therent.
Try to focus on the road.
The afternoon sun shines intoyour eyes.
(06:37):
You blink a few times.
Be careful.
The road in your subdivision iscurvy.
Haggard moms with strollers seemto burst from every hedge and
dive under your wheels in aflurry of blood mayhem and
costly lawsuits.
Your mind drifts anyway.
Working security for DevCorp wasawful on a good day, so you do
(06:58):
what you always do when youcatch yourself thinking about
DevCorp when you aren't gettingpaid to.
You think of Alexis.
You see her in your mind, abest-of composition of the many
other times you have seen her,wearing a bright red short dress
from Christmas with thespiral-curled dark hair from
(07:19):
that Monday after the big storm.
She smiles at you with her wholeface, especially her eyes.
Her pupils are like the mouth ofa deep cave.
You wish you could climb in.
You can see something downthere, calling out to you from
the black, As she trails herclean, unpainted nails down the
(07:40):
front of her dress, herfingertips trace the outline of
her right breast.
Casually, like she doesn't knowshe's doing it.
Your breath catches.
Your eyes are glued to herhands.
You could spend forever here inthe dark of your mind with a
woman too beautiful to be real.
She is everything you want.
(08:02):
Thin and curvy.
Short.
Friendly, but just with you.
Playful, kind, and she has oneof those names you like.
Not like your roommate's ladies.
You start to remove the reddress in your mind.
But instead, find yourselfstanding in the memory of the
(08:22):
afternoon you spent with Alexisin her studio apartment.
You sat with her on the couchwatching kung fu movies.
It was like everything in yourlife had come together to create
this perfect moment.
All the low pay, bad day, carcrashes, depressed as balls,
burnt toast mornings werepreparing you for this.
(08:43):
A sweetness so complete, itwashed all the bitter away in an
instant.
You can't tell her, so you say,this is nice.
But you mean, I love you so muchI no longer understand the
world.
(09:04):
You wince because the memory istoo bittersweet for today and
slip instead into more familiarterritory.
Her dress slides off easily,dropping on the floor in a red
heap.
Her skin is a series ofincreasingly expensive coffee
colors.
Burnt caramel, Americano, misocream.
(09:27):
She wears black matching bra andpanties with red bows on them.
She is coy with you now that herdress is off, half covering
herself and turning, giving youa better view as she pretends to
shy away.
There is languidness to hermovements that the real Alexis
doesn't have.
liquid and relaxed, like she hasbeen drinking.
(09:48):
In the dark cave of her irises,something comes at you fast.
A shadow flashes in front ofyour car and you slam the
brakes, throw it into park andjump out into the glaring light.
It's Sage, your roommate.
Clutched in his hairy arms,yipping its head off, is Mrs.
Gleneth Worthy's YorkshireTerrier.
You almost hit your neighborGleneth's dog.
(10:10):
The cheap plastic beads atSage's throat clack as he stoops
to smooth its pale brown andwhite fur.
He kisses the top of itspink-ribboned head.
SPEAKER_00 (10:19):
I'm so sorry, Sage.
I don't know how checkers gotaway from me.
SPEAKER_02 (10:24):
Gleneth and checkers are so alike that you often
check to make sure the right oneis on the leash.
Today, you didn't see either ofthem.
They glare at you as one.
Sorry, you mutter through thewindow.
It's not like it was your fault.
They came out of nowhere.
I mean...
None of it is your fault.
You have never been so happy tosee Sage as you are now.
(10:46):
It's as though his tall, thinbody is surrounded by a halo.
SPEAKER_00 (10:50):
This wound on my hand has been troubling me.
SPEAKER_02 (10:54):
Her voice trembles when she looks at Checkers.
Gleneth doesn't look so good.
Pale and bubbly somehow.
SPEAKER_01 (11:02):
Bad bubbly.
We'll take him for the night,Gleneth.
You go on home to bed now,
SPEAKER_02 (11:07):
Sage says, his voice soft and sincere.
Gleneth gives him a shallow nodand shambles away.
Checkers winds softly after heras she goes and manages to look
like an offended queen when Sagetucks her into the passenger
side of the car with a smile.
SPEAKER_01 (11:24):
Try not to massacre the neighbors.
At least not Checkers.
You know I love a Yorkie.
I had a bad day at work.
Let's go home.
You look like shit.
To the dog.
Who's a sweet pup?
Who's getting a fat strip ofmung bean jerky when we get
home?
That's right.
You are.
You are.
SPEAKER_02 (11:45):
You try not to actively remember and hate every
bad vegan thing Sage hassubjected you to over the years.
Pork-free bacon, hemp milk,beet-bleeding burgers, yeast
cheese, avocado carob brownies.
Never chicken.
Then there is the unendingstring of low-key dreadful women
(12:05):
he parades through the house.
Marigold, Jasmine, Flower,Daisy, Eucalyptus, and Sunlight.
Sunlight had brought Sage themany joys of primal scream
therapy.
And if you had a time machine,you would in no way go back and
kill baby Hitler and insteadabsolutely find your way into
Sunlight's baby crib to smotherher with a particularly bright
(12:29):
yellow pillow.
Sometimes you think Sage is theworst person in the history of
Earth.
Then you remember that youexist.
Also, you have never seen himknock over anything, least of
all a test tube, the smugbastard.
Also, he gets women.
I mean, they don't smell good,and you would rot in hell before
(12:51):
you'd scream sky in ecstasy, butthey do exist, which is more
than you have been able toachieve lately, dreams of Alexis
aside.
Sage has been talking all thistime you were spaced out at the
wheel again.
SPEAKER_01 (13:06):
So you're saying the tyranny of corporate drug
testing is over?
SPEAKER_02 (13:11):
Yes,
SPEAKER_01 (13:12):
why?
I've got something for myfavorite roommate then.
SPEAKER_02 (13:17):
Sage smiles and reaches in his pocket, brushing
away the amorous advances ofcheckers who sniffs for a treat.
He hands you a clear plastic bagwith something rich dirt brown
and crumbly in it.
You take it, careful to keepyour eyes on the road.
You pull into the driveway ofthe house you share with Sage.
The thing in the bag is a weedbrownie.
(13:39):
On any other day, you would giveSage a talk about the evils of
drugs in your car, civil assetforfeiture, legal car theft by
the thin blue line.
But the memory of the look inPam the zombie lab tech's eyes
already clouds your head likefoul smoke.
not to mention the horrors of anew job search.
You eat it without question,every crumb.
(14:03):
You have never done drugsbefore, but you think today
might be the day to start.
What is the worst that couldhappen?
Inside of the house you sharewith Sage, it smells delicious
and vegetative.
Since when does your house smelllike good food?
How long were you and Sage andCheckers sitting in that car
(14:23):
while he ranted about teriyakivegan jerky?
Before he went for the strollthat saved Checkers, Sage had
been cooking vegan quiche.
It smells yummy and greenlike...
delicious moss?
That can't be right.
You've absolutely no idea whatcould possibly be in vegan
quiche, but it must be eggsubstitute heaven.
(14:46):
It smells so good.
You are filled with love forSage's tall, stoner self.
You can even forgive him forsunlight.
What kind of beautiful,kind-hearted saint of a roommate
gives you a pot brownie andcooks your dinner after you are
fired?
A warm euphoric feeling spreadsout from your stomach to the
tips of your toes.
(15:08):
The room takes on a copperypatina and the table you are
sitting at shines silver alongthe edges.
You are having trouble focusingas though the primal core of you
has become fixated on the tableand your hands and the smell of
quiche and is this what lovefeels like?
(15:29):
You watch Sage holding checkers.
He is so thin he seems to blipin and out of existence.
His smile is wide open and thesame silver shine glints along
the edges of his teeth.
He is a golden, blossoming god.
Without a doubt, Sage is thebest person in the history of
Earth.
Checkers isn't looking too badeither, like some kind of
(15:52):
terrier angel.
Dog love is so easy.
One hot meal and her heart isyours forever.
If only people love her likethat.
You're about to ask for quichewhen you hear a crash from the
opposite end of the house.
Sounds like glass shattering,wood splintering, also like
(16:12):
music.
What was that?
It's so hard to think for somereason.
You feel like the top of theworld, spinning too fast and
unwieldy as hell.
You sway towards the fireplacewith the brownie weighing down
in your stomach.
It feels like an ineffectiveanchor.
Not quite heavy enough to letyou stand up straight, but good
(16:34):
to keep you from tumbling allthe way onto the floor.
You sit down.
That quiche smells like foodmagic.
Is there basil in that?
Genius! You love the hell out ofplant basil.
Basil, the girl, not so much.
You'll have to ask Sage whatthat marvelous smell is.
(16:55):
Did you maybe forget something?
You have that squirmingsensation in the back of your
brain, like maybe you left thewater running in the bathtub all
day and now the bathtub is fullof infant squid monsters that
think that you are mommy andswarm your legs like one
terrifying ravenous hive mindmob of suckers with razor teeth.
(17:17):
Why did you think that?
You've worked at DevCorp toolong.
You didn't leave anythingrunning, but But there is
something you were supposed toremember.
What was it?
It pushes up against the surfaceof your mind.
It's so hard to think right now.
From your spot in the kitchen,you can see down the long,
(17:37):
wood-lined hall to the back ofthe house where Sage's bedroom
is separated from the patio by apair of old sliding glass doors.
You like to watch the way thelight paints the hallway with
sunset colors through the glass,the undulous roll of purple
mauves swept away by dirtyyellows, then pinks and oranges,
one after another after another,tinged in a film of evening
(18:00):
gray.
You could watch the sweepingshifts of light forever, but
movement catches your eye.
Brother's sheer white curtainsare fluttering in the bedroom.
That doesn't make sense.
Those curtains aren't over avent.
There's no breeze in the house.
You manage to stand up withouttipping over.
(18:21):
Wonderful.
You are a master of balance andcoordination.
I mean, look at the prefrontalcortex white matter volume on
you.
You snicker to yourself, thenlaugh out loud when you realize
how uncool laughing at your ownjoke is.
You take a few careful stepsdown the hallway, using both the
walls to keep your balance.
(18:43):
On second thought, you go backinto the living room by the
kitchen.
You stop to bend and pick up theblack iron poker by the
fireplace.
It is heavy in your hand.
You didn't tip over.
That's good.
Sage only agreed to move in withyou because of that fireplace.
He said it had big paleo energy,that everything had gone
(19:03):
downhill after man inventedfire.
You'd ugly giggled at him at thetime, but now the idea of
serenely burning fluffymarshmallows sounds way better
than whatever awaits you in thebedroom.
You cast the fireplace a wistfulglance over your shoulder as you
heft the poker like a baseballbat.
Checkers sits on the countertop.
(19:24):
She watches you, bright-eyed,and barks an encouraging yip.
It's good to have someone onyour team.
You are halfway to the bedroomwhen you get a chill up your
spine.
There was something you weresupposed to remember.
Something.
Not good.
Sage, did you leave the patiodoor open?
SPEAKER_01 (19:45):
What?
SPEAKER_02 (19:46):
Sage answers from the kitchen.
SPEAKER_01 (19:47):
I can't hear you.
My ears are full of this quiche.
Wait, I mean, my mouth is full.
My mouth is full of ears?
Ears here, ears here.
Have you noticed ears soundslike here?
Whatever, I can't hear you, man.
SPEAKER_02 (20:01):
You are at the end of the hall, and Sage's answer
sounded farther away than youexpected.
You place your hand on the doorto Sage's bedroom and give it a
small shove.
Does weed make you hear things?
You really, really hope so.
Then you see something in Sage'sroom that drains away every
hopeful feeling you have everhad and fills you with a dark,
(20:24):
filthy flood of terror.
In the middle of the room,standing in a sparkle-sharp
shatter of glass, is Gleneth.
Well, what used to be Gleneth.
I'm just going to call it BadGleneth.
Bad Gleneth's arm has rottedblack up to her shoulder from
the point of what must have beena bite on her hand, and her feet
(20:47):
are sliced to gooey ribbons bythe shards.
Her eyes are dead glassed.
She is smeared with blood, andbony lumps on her side suggest
that her ribcage is trying toescape the confines of her skin.
Her usually tightly coiffed hairis a mass of frizzed, bloody,
dead bedhead.
Bad Gleneth's eyes flick up atyou, and her death grimace
(21:09):
twists into a grin.
She's still holding the leash.
No matter what happens, you mustremember...
None of it is your fault.
Except this part.
This is the part where you haveto make a decision.
(21:30):
Will you stay and try to explainto Bad Glyneth that she'll
always live on in your memory assort of an acquaintance with a
really cute dog and healthproblems?
You can always use the firepoker to emphasize your points.
She doesn't look like she's in alistening mood, but people
sometimes surprise you.
It's not like her condition isyour fault, is it?
(21:51):
The result of something you did,perhaps?
Something you dropped?
Or you can turn your back on herand run out of the room.
Something tells me if you runnow, you may be running forever.
You may find that all you can dois run.
You may find that running is allyou have ever done.
(22:14):
Part of you seems to be runningeven as you hear these words.
Your first decision is a classicone.
Fight or flight?
SPEAKER_00 (22:26):
Thank you for listening to Hot Survivors Near
You, Episode 1.
You may not die in this one.
Brought to you by LifesaveTechnology.
(22:56):
Do you even make your own wool,you lazy, oxygen-greedy,
species-centric?
Voice over specialist andnarration by Joel Schronk.
(23:17):
Audio engineering by BrooksCoker with ASPN Audio.
Producer Sarah Vose.
Community outreach by EricThompson.
Intro music and recurring themescomposed and produced by Travis
Tench at Oak Hill Audio.
Jackson Parham voicing Sage.
Thank you for listening to HotSurvivors Near You.
(23:39):
Please catch our next episodesoon.
No matter what happens, you must remember none
of it is your fault.
SPEAKER_00 (00:33):
Top Survivors Near You is an audience participation
experience sponsored by LifesaveTechnology.
Lifesave, because death is soboring it hurts.
Episode 1, you may not die inthis one.
SPEAKER_02 (00:48):
As you limp down the corridor, you see a pastel pink
level 12 painted on the cinderblock wall.
And again, you feel the coldglass of the test tube slipping
through your fingers, as it dida minute ago.
That biohazard label had to havebeen a joke.
No such thing as BSL-5.
Hazards only go up to four.
(01:08):
Everyone knows that.
Remember the crunch when Pam,the lab tech, stepped on it?
The desperate ring of sirens?
Pam's eyes boring into yours,intimate and distant at the same
time?
You will never see her like thatagain.
It had to be an interlab prank.
They used to be such trickstersback in Lab 314, before they all
(01:32):
stopped breathing.
No matter what happens, you mustremember, none of this is your
fault.
You should be to the elevator bynow.
You can't see the end of thehallway?
That can't be true, can it?
Anything is possible in the labsat DevCorp.
(01:53):
In your darkest dreams, youremember blood seeping from
under the door in Lab 305.
Every morning, you would callthe janitors to clean it.
And every morning, it was alittle bit farther down the hall
than the day before.
You imagined all of Lab 305 is agiant heart, pumping and
pumping.
When you close your eyes, youcan hear it.
(02:17):
Don't close your eyes.
This is no time for existentialpanic.
Get out of the building.
Your eyes flicker over every bitof wall and floor, searching out
the shine of the reflectiveelevator doors.
Nothing.
Do the lights just flicker?
That is bad.
(02:38):
Everyone told you not to work atDevCorp.
They said the health insurancedidn't cover hearts.
They said the pay was mediocre.
They said that the sheep peopleof 341 had learned to say, kill
us, but not please.
That the real company moneymakerwas black market organs.
The slogan should have tippedyou off.
Immortality forever is soundingworse by the minute.
(03:03):
Speaking of sounds, what wasthat?
You try and choke down yourterror.
Is that Pam?
She must have followed you.
Her hands are drawn intopermanent claws, scratching and
scratching and scratching at thewalls as she runs down the hall.
Her arm fat jiggles at youaccusingly.
(03:23):
You'd think she'd have stoppedwhen her nails wore off, but no,
no.
That's Pam for you.
What a prankster.
When she looks at you with herdead, filmy eyes, you wonder if
she remembers asking you outlast Thursday.
Spaghetti.
You were going to eat spaghettitogether.
UNKNOWN (03:41):
What?
SPEAKER_02 (03:42):
That test tube was wobbly at best, you screech as
you limp faster.
Pam responds with anear-splitting wail.
Who could have predicted shewould take rejection so
personally?
I mean, it's not like youghosted her.
Well...
Christ, she never moved thatfast when she was alive.
You found the elevator.
(04:03):
In a fit of wild devotion, youhave to stop yourself from
licking the metal doors to besure they are real.
Best not, given the timeconstraints.
It has never felt so good topush a button as it does right
now.
Like every nerve in your body isconnected to that index finger,
and the slight give as the lightturns on and the bell dings.
(04:24):
Bliss.
You slump into the elevator andpush the button for the first
floor.
Pam is very, very close now.
You can see a black dribble downher chin.
You instinctively rub your mouthlike,"'Something on your face,
Pam?' She lunges for the doubledoors and misses by about six
inches.
(04:45):
You push the button over andover, even though you know it
doesn't speed anything up.
And then the doors close atlast.
Nothing personal, you shoutthrough the doors at Pam.
But secretly, you fear she mayhave taken it very personally
after all.
It's just anotherrun-of-the-mill disaster,
probably limited to lab 314.
(05:06):
DevCorp definitely has a planfor something like this.
I mean, they had to get permitsfor the biohazard materials,
right?
Well, all of that is above yourpay grade anyway.
You're just a security guard.
Those are CEO kind of problems.
You think of all of the otherdisasters you've seen.
Videos this year of burningphosphorus raining fire on
people's homes, the thunderingbombs of a dictator, the mass
(05:29):
graves...
This is just like that.
Nothing new.
Just a normal, regular-sized,completely average, absolutely
dull disaster.
FEMA will come in and clean thisup.
It's an inconvenience, really.
Just remember, none of it isyour fault.
(05:55):
You're feeling shaken as youdrive home after a brutally
final day at work.
The company didn't have to haveyour fellow security guards
escort you out.
You weren't trying to make ascene.
Uncalled for.
Your supervisor, Frank, keptglancing back at you from the
bottom right corner of his eyes,like you were a criminal.
They did that out of spite.
(06:16):
They even left your securitybracelet on.
The white, scratchy plastic, apermanent reminder of their hold
over you.
You didn't find your jobparticularly rewarding, and part
of you was happy it's over.
But...
That part of you doesn't pay therent.
Try to focus on the road.
The afternoon sun shines intoyour eyes.
(06:37):
You blink a few times.
Be careful.
The road in your subdivision iscurvy.
Haggard moms with strollers seemto burst from every hedge and
dive under your wheels in aflurry of blood mayhem and
costly lawsuits.
Your mind drifts anyway.
Working security for DevCorp wasawful on a good day, so you do
(06:58):
what you always do when youcatch yourself thinking about
DevCorp when you aren't gettingpaid to.
You think of Alexis.
You see her in your mind, abest-of composition of the many
other times you have seen her,wearing a bright red short dress
from Christmas with thespiral-curled dark hair from
(07:19):
that Monday after the big storm.
She smiles at you with her wholeface, especially her eyes.
Her pupils are like the mouth ofa deep cave.
You wish you could climb in.
You can see something downthere, calling out to you from
the black, As she trails herclean, unpainted nails down the
(07:40):
front of her dress, herfingertips trace the outline of
her right breast.
Casually, like she doesn't knowshe's doing it.
Your breath catches.
Your eyes are glued to herhands.
You could spend forever here inthe dark of your mind with a
woman too beautiful to be real.
She is everything you want.
(08:02):
Thin and curvy.
Short.
Friendly, but just with you.
Playful, kind, and she has oneof those names you like.
Not like your roommate's ladies.
You start to remove the reddress in your mind.
But instead, find yourselfstanding in the memory of the
(08:22):
afternoon you spent with Alexisin her studio apartment.
You sat with her on the couchwatching kung fu movies.
It was like everything in yourlife had come together to create
this perfect moment.
All the low pay, bad day, carcrashes, depressed as balls,
burnt toast mornings werepreparing you for this.
(08:43):
A sweetness so complete, itwashed all the bitter away in an
instant.
You can't tell her, so you say,this is nice.
But you mean, I love you so muchI no longer understand the
world.
(09:04):
You wince because the memory istoo bittersweet for today and
slip instead into more familiarterritory.
Her dress slides off easily,dropping on the floor in a red
heap.
Her skin is a series ofincreasingly expensive coffee
colors.
Burnt caramel, Americano, misocream.
(09:27):
She wears black matching bra andpanties with red bows on them.
She is coy with you now that herdress is off, half covering
herself and turning, giving youa better view as she pretends to
shy away.
There is languidness to hermovements that the real Alexis
doesn't have.
liquid and relaxed, like she hasbeen drinking.
(09:48):
In the dark cave of her irises,something comes at you fast.
A shadow flashes in front ofyour car and you slam the
brakes, throw it into park andjump out into the glaring light.
It's Sage, your roommate.
Clutched in his hairy arms,yipping its head off, is Mrs.
Gleneth Worthy's YorkshireTerrier.
You almost hit your neighborGleneth's dog.
(10:10):
The cheap plastic beads atSage's throat clack as he stoops
to smooth its pale brown andwhite fur.
He kisses the top of itspink-ribboned head.
SPEAKER_00 (10:19):
I'm so sorry, Sage.
I don't know how checkers gotaway from me.
SPEAKER_02 (10:24):
Gleneth and checkers are so alike that you often
check to make sure the right oneis on the leash.
Today, you didn't see either ofthem.
They glare at you as one.
Sorry, you mutter through thewindow.
It's not like it was your fault.
They came out of nowhere.
I mean...
None of it is your fault.
You have never been so happy tosee Sage as you are now.
(10:46):
It's as though his tall, thinbody is surrounded by a halo.
SPEAKER_00 (10:50):
This wound on my hand has been troubling me.
SPEAKER_02 (10:54):
Her voice trembles when she looks at Checkers.
Gleneth doesn't look so good.
Pale and bubbly somehow.
SPEAKER_01 (11:02):
Bad bubbly.
We'll take him for the night,Gleneth.
You go on home to bed now,
SPEAKER_02 (11:07):
Sage says, his voice soft and sincere.
Gleneth gives him a shallow nodand shambles away.
Checkers winds softly after heras she goes and manages to look
like an offended queen when Sagetucks her into the passenger
side of the car with a smile.
SPEAKER_01 (11:24):
Try not to massacre the neighbors.
At least not Checkers.
You know I love a Yorkie.
I had a bad day at work.
Let's go home.
You look like shit.
To the dog.
Who's a sweet pup?
Who's getting a fat strip ofmung bean jerky when we get
home?
That's right.
You are.
You are.
SPEAKER_02 (11:45):
You try not to actively remember and hate every
bad vegan thing Sage hassubjected you to over the years.
Pork-free bacon, hemp milk,beet-bleeding burgers, yeast
cheese, avocado carob brownies.
Never chicken.
Then there is the unendingstring of low-key dreadful women
(12:05):
he parades through the house.
Marigold, Jasmine, Flower,Daisy, Eucalyptus, and Sunlight.
Sunlight had brought Sage themany joys of primal scream
therapy.
And if you had a time machine,you would in no way go back and
kill baby Hitler and insteadabsolutely find your way into
Sunlight's baby crib to smotherher with a particularly bright
(12:29):
yellow pillow.
Sometimes you think Sage is theworst person in the history of
Earth.
Then you remember that youexist.
Also, you have never seen himknock over anything, least of
all a test tube, the smugbastard.
Also, he gets women.
I mean, they don't smell good,and you would rot in hell before
(12:51):
you'd scream sky in ecstasy, butthey do exist, which is more
than you have been able toachieve lately, dreams of Alexis
aside.
Sage has been talking all thistime you were spaced out at the
wheel again.
SPEAKER_01 (13:06):
So you're saying the tyranny of corporate drug
testing is over?
SPEAKER_02 (13:11):
Yes,
SPEAKER_01 (13:12):
why?
I've got something for myfavorite roommate then.
SPEAKER_02 (13:17):
Sage smiles and reaches in his pocket, brushing
away the amorous advances ofcheckers who sniffs for a treat.
He hands you a clear plastic bagwith something rich dirt brown
and crumbly in it.
You take it, careful to keepyour eyes on the road.
You pull into the driveway ofthe house you share with Sage.
The thing in the bag is a weedbrownie.
(13:39):
On any other day, you would giveSage a talk about the evils of
drugs in your car, civil assetforfeiture, legal car theft by
the thin blue line.
But the memory of the look inPam the zombie lab tech's eyes
already clouds your head likefoul smoke.
not to mention the horrors of anew job search.
You eat it without question,every crumb.
(14:03):
You have never done drugsbefore, but you think today
might be the day to start.
What is the worst that couldhappen?
Inside of the house you sharewith Sage, it smells delicious
and vegetative.
Since when does your house smelllike good food?
How long were you and Sage andCheckers sitting in that car
(14:23):
while he ranted about teriyakivegan jerky?
Before he went for the strollthat saved Checkers, Sage had
been cooking vegan quiche.
It smells yummy and greenlike...
delicious moss?
That can't be right.
You've absolutely no idea whatcould possibly be in vegan
quiche, but it must be eggsubstitute heaven.
(14:46):
It smells so good.
You are filled with love forSage's tall, stoner self.
You can even forgive him forsunlight.
What kind of beautiful,kind-hearted saint of a roommate
gives you a pot brownie andcooks your dinner after you are
fired?
A warm euphoric feeling spreadsout from your stomach to the
tips of your toes.
(15:08):
The room takes on a copperypatina and the table you are
sitting at shines silver alongthe edges.
You are having trouble focusingas though the primal core of you
has become fixated on the tableand your hands and the smell of
quiche and is this what lovefeels like?
(15:29):
You watch Sage holding checkers.
He is so thin he seems to blipin and out of existence.
His smile is wide open and thesame silver shine glints along
the edges of his teeth.
He is a golden, blossoming god.
Without a doubt, Sage is thebest person in the history of
Earth.
Checkers isn't looking too badeither, like some kind of
(15:52):
terrier angel.
Dog love is so easy.
One hot meal and her heart isyours forever.
If only people love her likethat.
You're about to ask for quichewhen you hear a crash from the
opposite end of the house.
Sounds like glass shattering,wood splintering, also like
(16:12):
music.
What was that?
It's so hard to think for somereason.
You feel like the top of theworld, spinning too fast and
unwieldy as hell.
You sway towards the fireplacewith the brownie weighing down
in your stomach.
It feels like an ineffectiveanchor.
Not quite heavy enough to letyou stand up straight, but good
(16:34):
to keep you from tumbling allthe way onto the floor.
You sit down.
That quiche smells like foodmagic.
Is there basil in that?
Genius! You love the hell out ofplant basil.
Basil, the girl, not so much.
You'll have to ask Sage whatthat marvelous smell is.
(16:55):
Did you maybe forget something?
You have that squirmingsensation in the back of your
brain, like maybe you left thewater running in the bathtub all
day and now the bathtub is fullof infant squid monsters that
think that you are mommy andswarm your legs like one
terrifying ravenous hive mindmob of suckers with razor teeth.
(17:17):
Why did you think that?
You've worked at DevCorp toolong.
You didn't leave anythingrunning, but But there is
something you were supposed toremember.
What was it?
It pushes up against the surfaceof your mind.
It's so hard to think right now.
From your spot in the kitchen,you can see down the long,
(17:37):
wood-lined hall to the back ofthe house where Sage's bedroom
is separated from the patio by apair of old sliding glass doors.
You like to watch the way thelight paints the hallway with
sunset colors through the glass,the undulous roll of purple
mauves swept away by dirtyyellows, then pinks and oranges,
one after another after another,tinged in a film of evening
(18:00):
gray.
You could watch the sweepingshifts of light forever, but
movement catches your eye.
Brother's sheer white curtainsare fluttering in the bedroom.
That doesn't make sense.
Those curtains aren't over avent.
There's no breeze in the house.
You manage to stand up withouttipping over.
(18:21):
Wonderful.
You are a master of balance andcoordination.
I mean, look at the prefrontalcortex white matter volume on
you.
You snicker to yourself, thenlaugh out loud when you realize
how uncool laughing at your ownjoke is.
You take a few careful stepsdown the hallway, using both the
walls to keep your balance.
(18:43):
On second thought, you go backinto the living room by the
kitchen.
You stop to bend and pick up theblack iron poker by the
fireplace.
It is heavy in your hand.
You didn't tip over.
That's good.
Sage only agreed to move in withyou because of that fireplace.
He said it had big paleo energy,that everything had gone
(19:03):
downhill after man inventedfire.
You'd ugly giggled at him at thetime, but now the idea of
serenely burning fluffymarshmallows sounds way better
than whatever awaits you in thebedroom.
You cast the fireplace a wistfulglance over your shoulder as you
heft the poker like a baseballbat.
Checkers sits on the countertop.
(19:24):
She watches you, bright-eyed,and barks an encouraging yip.
It's good to have someone onyour team.
You are halfway to the bedroomwhen you get a chill up your
spine.
There was something you weresupposed to remember.
Something.
Not good.
Sage, did you leave the patiodoor open?
SPEAKER_01 (19:45):
What?
SPEAKER_02 (19:46):
Sage answers from the kitchen.
SPEAKER_01 (19:47):
I can't hear you.
My ears are full of this quiche.
Wait, I mean, my mouth is full.
My mouth is full of ears?
Ears here, ears here.
Have you noticed ears soundslike here?
Whatever, I can't hear you, man.
SPEAKER_02 (20:01):
You are at the end of the hall, and Sage's answer
sounded farther away than youexpected.
You place your hand on the doorto Sage's bedroom and give it a
small shove.
Does weed make you hear things?
You really, really hope so.
Then you see something in Sage'sroom that drains away every
hopeful feeling you have everhad and fills you with a dark,
(20:24):
filthy flood of terror.
In the middle of the room,standing in a sparkle-sharp
shatter of glass, is Gleneth.
Well, what used to be Gleneth.
I'm just going to call it BadGleneth.
Bad Gleneth's arm has rottedblack up to her shoulder from
the point of what must have beena bite on her hand, and her feet
(20:47):
are sliced to gooey ribbons bythe shards.
Her eyes are dead glassed.
She is smeared with blood, andbony lumps on her side suggest
that her ribcage is trying toescape the confines of her skin.
Her usually tightly coiffed hairis a mass of frizzed, bloody,
dead bedhead.
Bad Gleneth's eyes flick up atyou, and her death grimace
(21:09):
twists into a grin.
She's still holding the leash.
No matter what happens, you mustremember...
None of it is your fault.
Except this part.
This is the part where you haveto make a decision.
(21:30):
Will you stay and try to explainto Bad Glyneth that she'll
always live on in your memory assort of an acquaintance with a
really cute dog and healthproblems?
You can always use the firepoker to emphasize your points.
She doesn't look like she's in alistening mood, but people
sometimes surprise you.
It's not like her condition isyour fault, is it?
(21:51):
The result of something you did,perhaps?
Something you dropped?
Or you can turn your back on herand run out of the room.
Something tells me if you runnow, you may be running forever.
You may find that all you can dois run.
You may find that running is allyou have ever done.
(22:14):
Part of you seems to be runningeven as you hear these words.
Your first decision is a classicone.
Fight or flight?
SPEAKER_00 (22:26):
Thank you for listening to Hot Survivors Near
You, Episode 1.
You may not die in this one.
Brought to you by LifesaveTechnology.
(22:56):
Do you even make your own wool,you lazy, oxygen-greedy,
species-centric?
Voice over specialist andnarration by Joel Schronk.
(23:17):
Audio engineering by BrooksCoker with ASPN Audio.
Producer Sarah Vose.
Community outreach by EricThompson.
Intro music and recurring themescomposed and produced by Travis
Tench at Oak Hill Audio.
Jackson Parham voicing Sage.
Thank you for listening to HotSurvivors Near You.
(23:39):
Please catch our next episodesoon.
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