What happens when the perfect American dream life is shattered in an instant? For Jenna Ann Miller, a traumatic cycling accident that left her husband Steve with a severe brain injury didn't just upend her family's reality—it transformed her understanding of what life truly is.
In this profound conversation, Jenna shares the extraordinary spiritual awakening that accompanied her darkest moment. "It was as if someone opened up the top of my head and just poured love into my whole body," she explains, describing the paradoxical experience of finding overwhelming love and connection in the midst of devastation. As her husband lay in a 59-day coma and faced the arduous journey of literal rebirth—relearning everything from breathing to walking—Jenna discovered dimensions of love, community, and purpose she never knew existed.
Through her CaringBridge blog that eventually became her memoir "The Phenom's Wife," Jenna created something magical: a field of collective energy where thousands of readers (many complete strangers) participated in what can only be described as synchronistic support. From Alaska-caught salmon appearing on her doorstep to executive-level insurance intervention happening exactly when needed, the "coincidences" defied explanation. This community carried her through the dual challenges of Steve's brain injury and later cancer diagnosis, showing her what's possible when vulnerability meets collective compassion.
Perhaps most compelling is Jenna's central question: How can we access this profound sense of presence, connection and clarity without experiencing catastrophic trauma? "The person I was before was just gunning, running, achieving her to-do list," she reflects. "Life is not the to-do list, life is not the accolades and the bank account. Trauma unfortunately shows us what it really is." Her journey invites us all to reconsider what truly matters before crisis forces the lesson upon us.
Jenna's Book Recommendation: The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer
More about Jenna: Jenna’s life changed forever in 2017 when her husband, Steve, suffered a traumatic brain injury in a cycling accident.
Before that, she had built what felt like a storybook life—a loving marriage, two wonderful kids, and a fulfilling career as an interior designer. But when tragedy struck, Jenna was thrust into the dual roles of caregiver and single parent. Determined to bring Steve back to life, she chronicled her journey in a public diary on CaringBridge, which eventually became The Phenom’s Wife.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
The person I was before that was just gunning,
running, achieving her to-dolist, like I had the American
dream playbook down to a scienceright.
The family in California, inour house, with our two kids, a
boy, then a girl on vacationwith friends, just the whole
picture was, you know, idyllic.
(00:21):
But after the accident that wasgone, so that dissolved, and I
felt I don't know how todescribe this because I'd never
heard of it or seen it orexperienced it but it was as if
someone opened up the top of myhead and just poured love into
my whole body.
It's the best way to describeit.
(00:43):
So the accident happens, I getthat call him in the hospital
and I just feel overwhelmed withlove, love for Steve, love for
my children, love for ourfriends and family and love for
the girl who caused thisaccident.
I just felt undeniable loveeverywhere.
(01:03):
I just felt undeniable loveeverywhere.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Welcome to the House of Germar podcast where wellness
starts within.
The House of Germar is alifestyle brand, empowering
women to live all in throughinterior design and personal
wellness.
We are a destination for womenready to reimagine what is
(01:27):
possible in their homes andlives and then create it.
We are honored to have you joinus on our mission to empower 1
million women to live all in.
I am your host, jean Collins,and I invite you to become
inspired by this week's guest.
Welcome to the House of Jomarpodcast where wellness starts
within.
I'm your host, jean Collins,and today we are going to have a
really exciting conversationwith a new author.
(01:48):
Her name is Jenna Ann Miller.
She is a fellow interiordesigner, so we have so much to
talk about in that realm, butwe're really going to focus on
her newly published book calledthe Phenom's Wife.
This is a really cool book,I've got to say.
It had me captivated.
I read the whole book in abouta day and a half and I was so
(02:10):
entrenched in your story.
So I don't normally readpeople's bios, but I'm going to
read the bio part of the biobecause I think it really
encapsulates who you are andgives some really good
background on the book before westart to talk about the book.
So here we go.
Everybody.
Jenna's life changed forever in2017 when her husband, steve,
suffered a traumatic braininjury in a cycling accident.
Before that, she had built whatfelt like a storybook life a
loving marriage, two wonderfulchildren, a fulfilling career as
(02:32):
an interior designer.
But when tragedy struck, jennawas thrust into the dual roles
of caregiver and single parent.
Determined to bring Steve backto life, she chronicled her
journey in a public diary onCaringBridge, which eventually
became the Phenom's Wife.
Through writing, jenna realizedher story wasn't just about
trauma, community or evenmiracles.
(02:52):
It was about facing the raw,unhealed wounds that remained
and remembering the power oflove that is always present.
Jenna, welcome to the show.
Thank you so much, jean.
It's so nice to be here.
Oh, I am excited to talk to you.
We've texted.
I read your book.
I texted you.
While I was reading your book, Iwas like I am so entrenched in
(03:13):
the book and the story andthere's so much in here that I
want to talk about.
But let's first talk about thetitle.
Where did the title thePhenom's Wife come from?
What?
Where did the title thePhenom's Wife come from?
What does that even mean?
That's a really good question.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
So, as you know, my husband's struck by a car.
He's in a coma and I don't knowwhat's going to happen and I'm
longing to hear his voice.
And I Google him on theinternet because he was this
elite athlete, so there's a lotwritten about him.
He was this elite athlete, sothere's a lot written about him,
and I discovered this racingblog he wrote in 2006 and 2007
(03:49):
when he was trying to qualifyfor the Olympics.
I didn't read it at the timebecause at the time I had these
little babies.
So I'm reading this blog andI'm thinking he's talking to me.
He's telling me how he's goingto use all these hidden athletic
skills and prowess that he hadthat I didn't even know he
really had to get out of thiscoma.
And in this blog he callsanother athlete a phenom.
(04:13):
When Steve wakes up from hiscoma, I say you are the phenom.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
And you are the phenom's wife, then there you go
, that's right yeah.
So I don't want to give awaythe whole book because I want
people to read the book.
But obviously Steve was hit bya car.
Steve was in a coma.
How long was he in a comabefore he woke up?
He?
Speaker 1 (04:38):
was in a coma for, I would say, 59 days, wow.
And it wasn't like the movieswhere you wake up and say where
am I?
It was a slow awakening.
He was actually reborn.
He had to learn to breatheagain, to speak, to go to the
bathroom, to walk absolutelyeverything that a baby goes
(05:00):
through.
So it was day 59, whichhappened to be Father's Day that
he said his first words and wewere all blown away.
And what was more amazing washe wasn't speaking in sentences,
just a few little things hereand there.
But he knew our names, so wethought he's in there.
Yeah, there was indicationsthat he was in there, coming out
(05:23):
of a coma.
Like you know, he would grab myarm or turn his head or gesture
towards things, but until weheard him speak, we just didn't
know how much of him was leftfor a minute.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
I mean, his injury was severe you talk about
talking to this specialist lateron and it felt like he should
not be alive based on theseverity of his injuries.
Not only should he not be alive, but he shouldn't have any
brain capacity either.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
Yeah, I was told it took the Stanford doctors a week
to save his life.
So he was tachycardic in theICU you know the ups and downs
you see on TV for a week andwhen they brought me into the
room with all the doctors to sayokay, he survived, they said we
don't know what survived andthey told me to expect him to be
(06:18):
confused for a very long time,have difficulty finding his way
to the bathroom, brushing histeeth, doing very basic things.
So I was led to believe thatthere wasn't going to be much
and, truth be told, in thatmoment I couldn't really even
pay attention to that.
I couldn't focus on it.
I was just so happy that helived.
Speaker 2 (06:39):
Yeah, but at the same time he lived and became a
different person, and you becamea different person as well as a
result of this journey.
Absolutely so share a littlebit about the person that you
were as you describe yourselfand the person that you had to
evolve into as this happened.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
That's a great question.
As this happened, that's agreat question.
So in reading about yourbackground and your story, I
felt a lot of similarities.
Before the accident, I was justa crusher interior designer,
going a million miles an hourgoing here, going there, raising
two kids.
I was the breadwinner of ourfamily.
I was the CFO.
(07:22):
I managed the house.
I managed the kids.
My kids had their own crazyadventures as well.
Then I had this husband thatwas an elite athlete that was
often riding his bike, so therewas a lot to take care of.
So I was standing very strong onmy titanium to-do list and this
accident crushed it Like it wasgone.
(07:42):
So the person I was before thatwas just gunning, running,
achieving her to-do list like Ihad the American dream playbook,
down to a science right, thefamily in California in our
house, with our two kids a boythen a girl on vacation with
friends.
Just the whole picture wasidyllic.
(08:05):
But after the accident, thatwas gone.
So that dissolved and I felt Idon't know how to describe this
because I'd never heard of it orseen it or experienced it but
it was as if someone opened upthe top of my head and just
poured love into my whole body,it's the best way to describe it
(08:28):
.
So the accident happens, I getthat call him in the hospital
and I just feel overwhelmed withlove love for Steve, love for
my children, love for ourfriends and family and love for
the girl who caused thisaccident.
I just felt undeniable loveeverywhere and I didn't know
(08:50):
what that was at the time.
I'm still searching anddiscovering and reading about
what that was.
But my friends who werespiritual which I didn't
consider myself spiritual at thetime told me you had a
trauma-induced spiritualawakening and I was like, okay,
(09:12):
when you're not spiritual, it'shard to understand that one.
But the way my body felt, theway my mind felt, my words were
slow, my thoughts were slow, thephysical world around me dimmed
, all the things I used to careabout weren't relevant and I
sort of saw the world throughthis lens of love.
(09:32):
And that was my platform forhow I was going to survive this
tragedy and live my new life.
And I had this blog that myfriends created on CaringBridge
and that was how we were to tellour friends and family what was
happening with Steve.
I did that, but I also used itas a way to share my personal
(09:54):
diary.
So at night, as I'm crying,can't sleep, can't do anything
except think about what'shappening.
I'm just writing it all,everything.
I'm feeling all the despair,all the anguish, all the grief,
and then also the blessings andthe joy.
I had this really confusingparadox why am I feeling so much
(10:16):
love and joy at this time whenI should be a wreck, a ball on
the floor, unable to move?
It was really hard for mychildren as well to see that.
That's what I did, and I think,through that journey of sharing
my vulnerable heart, being mytrue self, everything I was
(10:37):
experiencing all at once withthis community.
They rose up with me and theygave me love in return, and then
we just created this big fieldof love.
I mean, it sounds so corny, butI don't know what else to call
it.
That's what it was.
It was magic, it was anincredible time.
It was the worst time of mylife and the best time of my
life in many ways.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Yes, well, and you write about it in such a
beautiful way that you can feelthat there's pain with this,
like this is so traumatic andthe parts that hit me the
hardest were your kids, becauseit's like anyone who's a parent
like, but there's so much pain.
However, in every single chapteryou are talking about the
(11:19):
blessings and the joys and yourmindset about.
I just have this faith now.
I didn't believe in God and Inow have a real spiritual faith
that it will be okay, no matterwhat.
It will be okay and that was sopowerful throughout the book.
Speaker 1 (11:40):
Yeah, and that's not the person I was before the
accident Like.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
I wouldn't have.
That's what I was going to say.
Like you weren't right, youwere not at all If you had
whispered in my ear.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
This is what's going to happen to you in the next
eight years.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
I would have said no way am I going to survive that.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
No way am I going to be that person you're describing
.
Not at all, because I was verycontrolling of life.
Life was something for me toconquer.
There was nothing to conquerhere.
I was completely surrendered.
There was nowhere to go.
Yeah, you know, it's like youthink, when trauma happens to
you, that it's interrupting yourlife, right, but the reality is
(12:17):
that that to-do list that I wasso attached to, that was the
distraction.
Trauma actually showed me whatlife is.
It was painful.
I wouldn't wish it on anyone,but I'm a different person now
because of it, and I can't denythat.
(12:39):
So I used to feel and I wrotethis in my blog.
I think it transferred to thebook I would say I want to give
this feeling away.
I want other people to have thefeeling I have without the
trauma.
Is that possible?
So I'm told that people canwitness trauma and then
experience the benefits.
(12:59):
I hope that that's the casewith my book.
I hope no one has to go throughwhat we've went through, but
the gifts are undeniable.
So that's the joy and pain.
I was embarrassed to tell peopleI felt joy.
Everyone's expecting you tofall apart Right how?
And I did fall apart, butthat's the thing I was falling
apart and I was seeing all thesegood things at the same time,
(13:23):
so it was really confusing.
But then I realized isn't thatwhat life is?
Because life isn't something wecan control and predict and
make exactly how we want it.
Life throws you shit, sometimesright, and so it's like it's
both.
That's what it is, so itcertainly was a lesson in all of
that.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
So let's talk about your CaringBridge post, because
you went from probably a hundredpeople that were your closest
friends, looking at what youposted to tell everybody what
happened with that.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
So it just kept growing and growing and I was
like gosh, do we know a thousandpeople?
And I was like maybe 1,500,2,000, 3,000.
I think it went up to like over3,000 people, and I most
certainly did not know that manypeople.
But what started to happen wasI started building these
(14:17):
connections with strangers.
I mean, I was blown away aboutwhat people who didn't know us
were doing for us.
One example is this woman sentme this text on the blog saying
I'd like to send you some salmon.
I'm thinking, oh, this must bea friend of Steve's, a cycling
(14:38):
friend or something.
She says I know you don't knowus, but my husband's going on
this fishing trip in Kenai inAlaska and we'd love to send you
some of his fresh haul.
This woman from Alaska issending me stuff Like are you
kidding me?
There are so many experienceslike that where people who she's
(15:00):
like I just stumbled upon yourblog and I can't stop reading it
.
Things like that were happening, and so it it.
What it did was it furtherreinforced this feeling that
we're all connected.
That's one of the huge lessonsof my story is grief can feel so
lonely and no one is goingthrough the experience you're
(15:21):
going through.
Even my own children werehaving different experiences
than I was having.
But when you open up, when youshare with others and you allow
them to come into your tenderheart and you allow them to give
and you receive those gifts,it's an incredible feeling of
solace that I could never havegotten alone.
(15:43):
Incredible feeling of solacethat I could never have gotten
alone.
One of the things people oftensay about me is you're so strong
, and I agree Like I do have acertain amount of strength, but
my strength was amplifiedbecause I had this intimacy with
this community that I didn'tknow was possible.
I just didn't imagine it.
(16:04):
So it's, it's again, it's theduality, it's, yes, I'm strong,
but my strength was onlyenhanced by, by these loving
people that surrounded us andcared for us.
We're not in isolation in anyof this, the joy and the pain.
You can't separate those.
You know.
It's all, it's, it's both andall around.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
So those you know.
It's all, it's, it's both andall around.
So, yeah, and your story talksa lot about growth, which is
really inspiring, and and justwhen you think you have a plan
like your husband coming homeand you had a plan and okay,
everybody's working towards thisdate you have a plan and then
talk to us when insurance has adifferent plan.
Tell us a little about thatstory, because that's insurance.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
It's so funny.
I didn't.
There are so many insurancestories.
My stack of medical bills isthis tall.
I still have it.
It's hard.
I thought about burning it, butI probably should someday, but
I still have it.
Yeah, so Steve, he's been in thehospital now for almost four
months and we have a plan tobring him home.
(17:09):
Like this is terrifying.
So to give you an idea of whoSteve is, he's like a baby who
could text an Uber.
So he has the vulnerability,just innocence, of a child, of a
baby even in some ways.
But then he he can do otherthings, like he can text and he
(17:29):
can get online and and so caringfor him is is dangerous, it's
scary.
Like what's he capable of?
Is he going to walk out thefront door?
Is he going to go get an Uberand go who knows where?
What's going to happen?
So I was like and I am nowgoing to be right so I was like,
and I am now going to be theprimary care physician on duty
caring for this guy, and ourhouse is TBI headquarters, so I
(17:55):
needed time and they have havethe safety of the hospital, et
cetera.
So I'm thinking we havesomewhat of a plan for his
release date and then insurancecalls and says effective
(18:21):
immediately it's time to go, andalso Jean, of course, I'm doing
a mini remodel of the home,getting it ready for his mom to
come stay with us for a fewmonths.
That's not finished, of course.
So I'm in panic mode and Ireach out to my blog and I say
this is what's happening.
Anybody know, anybody at ourinsurance company, and of course
I go to plan B.
(18:41):
Okay, what are the blessings?
The blessings to me was itcould be the reverse.
They could say you know, he'snot ready to go, he needs to be
put in a nursing home, somethinglike that.
So I'm spinning it and I'm alsogunning it, trying to organize
the house and make it low stemand all the things you're
supposed to do for TBI.
The blog responds and somebodyknows somebody at our health
(19:04):
insurance, and the person theyknow is the chief executive
officer of our billion dollarinsurance company.
So, needless to say, mondaymorning, jenna, steve can stay
Right, and so I mean that's likea.
We're a privileged family, wehave connections Right, and so
I'm aware of that Right, and soI'm aware of that.
(19:43):
But at the same time, it's alsomore than that.
It's that people care, thatpeople were reading the blog,
that people were on this wayswith their talents of being
therapists or helping menavigate the children, or even
just bringing us food.
I mean everything you canimagine.
Someone even took out my trash,jean.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
Yeah, when you read the book, it is truly amazing.
The village that stepped inbecause and we haven't talked
about this enough yet butbecause your role in life
changed and you became acaretaker in a very different
way than being a solebreadwinner, were actually
(20:23):
responsible for the life ofanother human, just like when
you give birth to a baby.
Yet as you say he's big.
We talk about stories about howhe was restrained and you took
off the restraints and all of asudden he's fighting you and
trying to take out his feedingtube and all these other things,
and it's so visual.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
You're like oh my goodness, yeah Well, what's
interesting about what you sayis you've become a caregiver,
jean, I didn't know that.
I only learned that word a yearago.
Oh, wow was happening and thismay be part of grief, of coping,
(21:10):
of denial, whatever tools I hadto use to get through it, but I
thought I'm a wife and a motherdoing what needs to be done in
a really horrific situation.
I didn't know, I was acaregiver at all.
And I actually started fallingapart.
And I don't know if I writeabout this in the book, but I
started fainting during Steve'shospital visits.
(21:31):
At first I was fainting becauseI was giving blood.
Then I was fainting becauseSteve was about to go in for
neurosurgery and I see them putthe thing in his vein and I'm
like, right.
Then I started fainting whenSteve was going for a
nutritionist visit and I waslike, really, like I mean I'm
not going to kill this man withmy beet juice.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
Like what am I afraid of?
Speaker 1 (21:55):
And that's when I realized and that was maybe like
five months after the accidentthat started happening I
realized, oh boy, I'm in it toodeep.
But I still didn't know I was acaregiver, jean.
So I didn't go to the doctor, Iwent to maybe a healer around
the corner that a friend took meto.
I tried to meditate, I tried todo wellness things, but I
(22:20):
couldn't focus on me because heneeded so much time and
attention and, as you know fromthe book, there were more
traumas to come that requiredeven more caregiving, more
intense caregiving, and therewas certainly.
I could not go down, I couldnot be sick, so I ignored it.
And so that, knowing what Iknow now, if there's, I mean
(22:43):
many things I'd like to do forothers, but I'd like to help
caregivers focus on themselves,which is just so difficult
because we don't know we arecaregivers and that's a real
hard nut to crack, but I can try.
Speaker 2 (23:02):
Of talking about that and talking about really making
it come to life, just thesimple joys of going to a
friend's house with yourdaughter and being there for an
hour to just engage in somethingthat is outside of you being a
caretaker and a caregiver forothers and recognizing that that
(23:22):
fuels you and I think, in yourprocess you're not.
You're receiving so much helpright?
So much help with the meals andthe kids and the blog and the
support and the resources andthe you know the incredible
medical staff.
You had so much support.
But, as you get later into thebook, what you realize is what
you didn't do is stop to figureout how you're going to fuel you
(23:45):
.
And it's like everything inlife, and Steve is taking, and
taking, and taking, and then, ashe starts to get better, I felt
like he was taking even morebecause it just became so much
more work, mentally andphysically, to care for him.
And then by that point we'lltalk about your kids a little
bit here.
By that point your kids arelike unraveling and they're like
(24:05):
we didn't sign up for this.
Yeah exactly.
And like dad isn't dad.
So talk about that for a littlebit, because I think you quote
your daughter a couple of timesto be like when is dad coming
back?
When's dad?
Coming home and like but dad,like Steve was there.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
Yeah, yeah, and this is a really.
And we're still navigating thiseight years later.
My children are 18 and 20 andit's still a struggle.
So he's not the person he wasin any way.
Yeah, of course he's verychildlike.
He's unable to care for himself, he's unable to live alone,
(24:51):
able to live alone, and he, hewants to be a good dad and a
good husband and a good friendand a good son and all those
things.
He doesn't have the executivefunctioning skills to carry
those out and so my children andI struggle with this.
I wanted to I'm no longerSteve's caregiver and I wanted
him to be with us for a few daysover the Christmas holidays,
when the kids are home forChristmas.
(25:11):
I said to the kids listen,we'll have dad, we'll have the
friends come into the house,we'll do like an open house, the
rolling front door, like itused to be.
And they both said no, and thatwas really hard to hear.
Both said no and that wasreally hard to hear, because I'm
(25:32):
wondering what am I not doingin this moment that my future
self would know to do to supportthese kids?
It's really about the kids now.
I've done the best I can withSteve, steve's doing the best he
can.
His caregivers are doing thebest they can, but these
children, this trauma hasinformed their childhood and
will inform their present allthe way through their whole life
.
So what can I do to supportthem in their healing of this
(25:53):
trauma that they've inherited?
They didn't ask for this right,right, no.
So my son said somethingincredibly powerful to me.
He said mom, I know what you'redoing.
I know the visions you have inyour head of bringing the
estranged man home, to his homefor Christmas, to be with the
children.
It's very hallmark, it'sbeautiful.
I know what you're thinking andfeeling, but you've forgotten.
(26:16):
You've forgotten what it's liketo be with him day in and day
out, how painful it is, how hardit is, how it's not the person
you think.
It is in your head right nowand you have to spend energy
being with that person in thattime.
And then you have to recoverfrom that, and that recovery
could take weeks or months.
Speaker 2 (26:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:36):
And so, respectfully, I have to say no to that.
I just don't have it in me.
He says there's a part of methat wishes that I could be my
future self, who's maybe not astriggered and not as heartbroken
and has the energy to withstandthat.
But I'm not that person.
I'm who I am now and I have toforgive myself that I can't be
(26:57):
anything other than what I am.
And he said maybe someday whendad passes away, I will regret
this moment, but this is all Ican do in this moment.
And that was like wow, likethanks, peyton, that was.
That says a lot.
And you know, life is livedforward and understood backwards
(27:18):
Like I can't.
I don't know what else to dofor my kids.
They really struggle with howto hold Steve, how to engage
with him, how to spend time withhim, because he says he misses
them.
But then the pain that causesthem is difficult.
I mean 18 and 20,.
These are tough years.
(27:38):
These are the early collegeyears.
They're figuring themselves out.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
They're not interested in their parents
anyway.
Right, exactly.
Speaker 1 (27:45):
I mean, let's be honest, they're not that
interested in us anyway.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
Very true, but it's hard because dad isn't the same
dad and dad requires a lot ofcare.
But that's so.
You should feel so proud thatyour son has that level of
awareness and enlightenmentabout himself and can
communicate that, because thatwill make him an incredibly
special human and an adult as hekeeps going on his journey.
Speaker 1 (28:12):
Yeah, I have no doubt that my children, the gifts
from this tragedy will beincredible for them in their
lives and just, it's just stillhard right it's the both and
right it's like I see the giftsand I see the pain.
And now I hold it a little more,with more discernment, a little
more grounded level than maybeI did during the accident days.
(28:34):
And in the accident days I wasjust so convinced he was going
to have a full recovery.
I mean, I put I, I told thekids you haven't seen the fight
in me, I'm going to bring yourdad back.
I made a promise that Ishouldn't have made.
Speaker 2 (28:49):
So so why did you decide to write a book?
Because it's one thing to havea blog and just sort of lose
there, it's a whole nother thingto put your life out into a
book that is out there forever,definitely.
Speaker 1 (29:02):
I think, first and foremost, is that I experienced
something extraordinary with myblog readers and with my family
and even with my husband, that Ijust never knew was possible.
I'm in my worst nightmare.
I'm leveled to the ground andI'm happy and I'm cared for and
(29:25):
I'm loved.
Our house was like DowntonAbbey just people everywhere all
the time.
It just you just felt like youwere a part of something and I
and it's like, as I'm thinkingabout this book, which sometimes
can overwhelm me, I can getoverwhelmed by my own book,
because there's so much in there.
It's like what do I pull from?
What do I focus on?
What do I?
You know, and I think it's justdepends on the reader, but for
(29:45):
your readers, who are interestedin wellness and caring for
themselves and all of that, Ifeel that the biggest, one of
the biggest threads, is that Iwas vulnerable, I revealed
myself.
I didn't have a choice.
It just was what was happeningat the time, because I was
poured with love and we all hadthis common goal me and my blog
(30:08):
readers which is reallycommunity I say blog readers,
community, family, friends, allthat right and our common goal
was to save our family, andwhatever that means.
That means save Steve.
Steve comes out of his coma, thekids and I are cared for.
I'm not on the ground writhingin pain, crying, unable to tend
to my children.
(30:28):
My children are getting toschool, my children are being
hugged at school, we're beingfed All of those things right.
So there's this common goal inthis huge community that's
forming around us and I'mblogging every single day.
So every day, people arehearing everything from the good
, the bad and everything inbetween and it just created this
(30:52):
field of love and this energyforce that was powerful, that
created miracles and I hope yougot a sense of that in the book
all of the miracles thathappened, the magic.
I would think of something andit would show up on my front
porch.
I'm looking at my phone as Ihave a thought oh, steve needs a
(31:13):
haircut and then a hairdresseris saying in that moment.
Do you understand how wild thatfelt?
And it was happening all daylong, every day, day in and day
out.
I was like what is going on?
I didn't understand it.
My spiritual friends had toexplain it to me, which I still
don't even really understand.
(31:34):
But I think there is some likequantum physics to all of this
right, that we are literally,physically, biologically
connected, that these people,through this everyday blog, were
thinking the same thing,wishing the same thing, praying
for the same thing, and, as I'msharing events that are
happening, it's creating moreevents, more events, more people
(31:56):
participating, and it wasincredibly powerful and
incredibly beautiful.
I want people to see that and Iwant to see could that be
translated elsewhere.
I'm sure it happens indisasters.
I'm sure it happens in otherforms, like ours, but we're such
a model for what can happenwhen people come together under
the umbrella of love and supporteach other.
(32:17):
Right, and it sounds so corny,but I don't know how else to
describe it it's really whathappened and part of me misses
it.
I was talking to a person who'sreading my book, who's a widow
and tragically lost his wifemany years ago, and he said oh,
jenna, in your book, I rememberthat that you've lost your
(32:40):
partner, life is over as youknow it.
You have children.
It's devastating, but at thesame time, there's this energy
when the community comes aroundyou and supports you, and the
goal is to get through it and tosurvive it.
And he said there's justsomething so beautiful about
that, because it's the essenceof life.
(33:00):
Right, life is not the to-dolist, life is not the accolades
and the bank account and thecars and the whatever that's
what we fill our lives with.
But trauma unfortunately showsus what it really is.
And how can we get therewithout the trauma?
That's my big question.
(33:21):
Exactly Right, how can we do it?
Speaker 2 (33:23):
But you're sharing your story to give people a
glimpse, and it helps them takea pause in their own lives and
think about those key things, tothink about caring, to think
about love, to think aboutcompassion, to think about the
mindset that you had to dealwith this tragedy and to deal
with what's happening to yourfamily, and and also giving
(33:44):
people a chance to take a pauseand say I don't have the tragedy
, but maybe I can learnsomething from this, without
having to have the tragedy, andwouldn't that be great.
Speaker 1 (33:53):
Yes, that's so beautiful that you say the word
pause.
That was actually a very potentword.
On our journey In one of hishospitals, the chaplain came up
to us and and I was there withmy children, which was nice and
she said one of the gifts ofthis tragedy is that it gave
your life a pause to reflect.
Of course, and that is so true,so true.
(34:16):
But that's the big question,isn't it, jean?
How do you blend the grind?
You've got to pay the bills,you've got to take up the trash,
you've got to walk the dog,you've got to go to the
groceries, you've got to makedinner, all that stuff, right.
You've got to figure out yourretirement, all these things.
And it's almost like now, intoday's world, we have more
things coming down on us becausewe have access to more
(34:36):
information.
There's infinite podcasts,infinite books, infinite things
to work on and everything Right.
There's so much to do.
How do you find time in yourlife for the pause?
And I think that's, and thattakes protocols, because during
tragedy I didn't have a choice,but nowadays I build protocols
(35:01):
into my life.
It's the only way I know how todo it.
I have to say, every morning,I'm going to read my declaration
Every night.
I'm going to read, go throughall this tragedy.
I knew this.
I talked about this in the book.
I'm so afraid to lose thisfeeling.
I was terrified to lose it andI did.
(35:22):
It comes in and out.
It ebbs and flows.
Overall.
I have it, but not the feelingI had then, but be living in
that life Right and you don'twant to be living in that life,
yeah.
No, I have to be grounded.
So it's just how do you staygrounded in the reality of
everyday living and have thatperspective, that pause you know
(35:47):
to take in what it really isLike?
Who are we really?
We're really just souls andbodies, right, so Going through
a journey.
Speaker 2 (35:55):
At least that's what I've learned.
It's a lot.
It's a lot to learn.
Let's switch gears and talkabout nutrition and food for a
minute.
So, you talk a lot and Ithought this was so interesting.
You talk about brain food andbringing Steve his own food, and
so talk to me about yourjourney and sort of identifying
how you could use nutrition totry to help his brain heal.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
First of all, that's also a paradox, because, as I
was surrendered to thisexperience once I found ways to
insert myself into it, then Istarted grinding again.
Speaker 2 (36:30):
Certainly, the food was a bit of a grind.
Speaker 1 (36:33):
I was a little over the top, but the nurses were
inspired and the doctors hit ormiss.
You know, dr Moser was askingSteve where the ice cream was
and I was like what are youdoing?
Yeah, so that's just part of mynature.
I'm a researcher at heart.
And when he was waking up and Isaw what they were putting on
the hospital tray, of course Iwas disgusted.
(36:53):
Everyone knows this right, it'sfruit in corn syrup, and corn
syrup even was in his feed tube,which I still.
Yeah, I researched this othercompany called Kate Farms, which
, does you know, wholesome foodsin their feed tube, but I was
just too frightened to askStanford to switch it up.
Could you switch up the feedtube?
I know, I know we're not surehe's going to make it.
(37:14):
I was afraid to touch him.
Literally I was like, oh, youknow, he was so fragile.
But yeah, so I researched brainfood.
There's a local mom, of course,in Wonderland, my town of Mill
Valley, who is a brainnutritionist and she kindly
supported me and gave me lots ofinformation.
(37:36):
I had another friend who waskeen on an anti-inflammatory
diet.
Actually, not even a friend, astranger, technically, someone
I'd never met came to my houseand cooked brain food with me
and showed me how to do it andgave me all kinds of ideas.
And then I decided that I wasgoing to bring Steve food every
(37:56):
day at the hospital and they hada protocol for the hospital
refrigerator.
I had to label the bags, putthe dates on them.
They threw out food that was,you know, more than two or three
days old and it was a rigmarole.
And it was me in the kitchen,like Wizard of Oz, whipping up
my brain food with the kidswhipping up my brain food, with
(38:18):
the kids Hurry up, hurry upsweating.
We got to make it before 12noon, before the rubber chicken
gets to dad, and so we had sortof a little I don't know what
you call it just a littleeveryday thing that we did a
ritual, if you will, of makinghim food, and what was
interesting was his response toit.
I think it was just a feeling.
It's not that he necessarilyknew he wanted the brain food.
(38:39):
It was like this is me showinghim I'm caring for you Steve.
I care about you so much, I'mbringing you a 12 course meal
Remember.
I was literally so many coursesand you're not kidding you, you
like?
Right out.
I was like that is not justlike a healthy three item thing
you are bringing him massivemeals.
Massive meals, yeah.
(39:01):
And then I had worksheetsposted on his hospital wall of
the food and the details and nosugar, no this, no that, and
explaining all the things he'sallergic to.
I was pretending he wasallergic to things Because Sarah
batted for a healing brain.
I mean, I was, I was crazy, Idon't even.
(39:21):
I look at pictures.
I go, wow, I mean, did peoplethink I was cuckoo?
You do what you have to do.
I was determined.
I was on a mission to save thisman and I just believed he
needed every ounce of healing Icould possibly give him and
what's, what's.
I don't know if this is sad.
I'm trying not to feel sadabout this.
(39:42):
I did the best I could in thatmoment, but I didn't pack any
food for me or the kids, so we,we would eat the banana off the
hospital tray or the rubberchicken, or sometimes I'd order
in food to the hospital for us.
I just couldn't wrap my headaround making all that food for
four people and I was just solaser focused as a caregiver on
(40:04):
my patient and my kids suffereda lot Overall.
That was a thread throughoutthis experience.
I thought I had to bring theirdad back.
Speaker 2 (40:15):
Right, and that was the gift you were going to give
them.
Speaker 1 (40:17):
Yeah, that was the gift I was giving them.
Part of that was a lack ofself-love that I was always sort
of the mom that made them cleantheir room and made them eat.
I was already giving them kaleshakes and celery juice.
Long before this.
I was already this superhealthy kind of person.
My poor kids had vegetablemuffins as kids, not blueberry
(40:39):
muffins.
It was kind of difficult, but Ijust thought, you know, their
dad was the fun one.
He was the one that wasteaching them to ski and
planning their birthday partiesand taking them out for ice
cream before dinner and I waslike drink your kale shake,
clean your room, get yourhomework done.
So I thought we needed him tosurvive and they would, of
(41:00):
course, have a sad life withouttheir dad, which is expected,
but I thought it was at theexpense of me and them.
I just put all my eggs in thatbasket and there's a lot I would
do differently.
If I could tell another Jennahere now and someone in my
position, I'd have a lot to sayto her.
Speaker 2 (41:38):
You grew and you and I texted about this.
You grew also in terms of yourcareer and thinking about how
you wanted career to be for youafter and now in life, now.
So let's talk a little bitabout career now.
Speaker 1 (41:46):
Right, so it's so interesting, right, because I'm
balancing these two careersright now.
Right, I have my interiordesign career, which I've
returned to, so I'm slowlyramping up to that, and then I
have this desire to publish andspeak about my healing journey
and everything associated withthat.
We'll just call it a healingjourney, because it's a couple
(42:07):
in couple so much, and so justthinking of those two things
paired together to me feels likeanother trial of the paradox of
life, right, it's like to me,like remodeling a kitchen is not
quite the same as helping acaregiver with her terminally
ill spouse right, those are justtwo very, very different things
(42:30):
and I've been thinking aboutwhat they mean, and there's so
many people that want me to goback to design full force and
put my heart into it and doingit and I'm enjoying it.
But there's another part of meit's like I can't go where I was
before, that I can't return tothat of just you know doing it
and yeah, and different.
And one of the things actuallysurprisingly, that the journey
(42:52):
taught me was how healing art is.
I didn't know this, so I'lljust give this away.
Steve is diagnosed with cancertwo years after the accident and
he's crippled because thecancer breaks his bones and so
he's in a hospital bed in theliving room and the caregiving
(43:14):
has intensified beyond anythingI could have known, because he
still has this traumatic braininjury.
He still has the mind of achild and now he's on chemo.
So we talk about chemo, brainchemo and TBI brain is horrific.
This isn't talked about in thebook.
It's just discussed at the endand then like a paragraph.
But that was incrediblydifficult to one get the
(43:35):
diagnosis and two to then livewith it and live with him
withering away in our livingroom.
We live in a pretty small housein Mill Valley.
It's one level.
We're all together, right.
So my neighbor, who was aneighbor who I barely knew,
turned into a blog reader,turned into a dear family friend
(43:55):
.
He's one of the closest peoplein my life, matt.
I call him Mayor Matt in thebook because he's the mayor of
our town, quote, unquote.
He takes care of everyone.
He says to me Jenna, let'splant a garden.
And I'm like Matt, I'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (44:09):
Did you not read the blog post?
Speaker 1 (44:10):
Yes, Steve has stage four cancer and I just ignored
him and he kept mentioning and Ijust kept ignoring him.
And then one day I just said,well, let me just think about
this for a minute.
And we talked about it andsomehow he convinced me it was a
(44:31):
good idea to plant.
And planting a garden, likeMatt is like me.
He's a Miller girl.
My sisters and I call eachother Miller girls.
We attack something, we'regoing to do something.
We go whole hog.
There's no light gardening, soit becomes a huge, massive
project and he, of course,brings in the community.
The community is a part of it.
We're hauling dirt, we'reexcavating, we're digging.
(44:54):
I actually have to go tophysical therapy creating this
new garden because I dig so hardthat I, you know, hurt my neck.
But what it does is it gives mea space to be outside of the
cancer and the brain injury.
But Steve is right there.
Right, he's right there in theliving room bed.
(45:15):
He can see me out the window.
Our whole yard is visible fromwhere he's lying and I can still
take care of Steve as hiscaregiver, make sure he's safe,
be there if he needs something,because he can't move.
But I can do something for meand I can put my hands in dirt
and I can plant seeds that growinto flowers and I can transform
(45:39):
the feeling of our garden.
And what's telling is the way Iconvinced myself to do this was
I said this will be good forSteve, because Steve will look
out from the hospital bed andsee these pretty flowers,
because I had to have an excuseto not be doting on him 24 seven
.
Otherwise it would have beenmaking endless juices, tons of
(46:02):
food that he wouldn't eat Causeyou know, when you're on chemo
you're not eating.
So I found myself in the garden.
I found the peace that you getwith nature, with literally
physically touching the earth.
It was meditative.
I was out there with myheadlamp at night.
I wouldn't leave it.
I became obsessed withsomething else that wasn't Steve
(46:25):
, and it was incrediblynurturing and wonderful to
create beauty again.
That's what I did as a designerand I thought that part of me
was dead.
That's not coming back.
There's no meaning in newkitchens and bathrooms.
Speaker 2 (46:39):
Who cares what your house?
Speaker 1 (46:40):
looks like right, I mean, that was.
I was like are you kidding me?
That's just not important.
And so I was able to give thatgift to me, thanks to Matt, and
also start to see myself for thefirst time.
So that was 2019.
(47:00):
So the accident was 2017.
So two and a half years afterthe accident, I started to get a
glimmer of me, just a glimmer.
It would still take me many,many more years to even know the
word caregiver and to even knowwhat I did was extraordinary as
someone caring for someone else.
(47:21):
But that was the start of itand I have Matt to thank for
that.
And that also taught me thegift of creation again, because
I had thought that I isolated.
That Designer is over here, theperson who does that is here,
and this person is a caregivereven though I didn't know that
word, is here.
So now I blend the two.
So, as I, when I became freefrom caregiving from Steve full
(47:47):
time, I had to think what am Igoing to do?
Again, I didn't know.
I mean, it's like, okay, thebook wasn't written, not that
you're going to make moneyselling a book, but I needed to
start paying the bills and Ineeded to figure out who I was.
I worked at a flower shop forsix weeks and so I started
(48:10):
creating beauty slowly at theflower shop and I walked the
flower shop from my home in MillValley Mill Valley is
incredibly idyllic, it's likethe cutest town and so I just
started to ease into that.
And then my partner said well,why don't you get back into
design?
Everybody kept saying it.
I just thought, oh, I don'tknow, can I?
(48:31):
And then something happened.
Oh, I accidentally posted abunch of design photos on my new
Instagram.
I didn't even have an onlinepresence before the accident, I
was just word of mouth.
And then they populated toFacebook Next thing.
You know, my design photos areall over Facebook and I'm
starting to get calls.
I'm like wait what's happeningLike oh, I didn't realize I did
(48:51):
that and so I sort of fell intoit.
And so I sort of fell into it.
But even prior to that I hadstarted getting my sort of
fingers wet just testing thewaters at my boyfriend's house.
He said I said I need to over,I need to redo your front yard.
It's just a mess.
And one day I just transformedit and that was so satisfying
(49:15):
and felt so good again.
And the next thing I'm paintinghis front door.
The next thing I know I'm likeI found this beautiful piece of
art at the junkyard.
Speaker 2 (49:23):
You're creating again .
I'm creating again.
Speaker 1 (49:26):
You're creating.
But I was doing it in isolation, I was doing it for me, I was
doing it to feel good again, tosee could that part of me
resurface?
And what does it look like whenI blend the old parts of me
with the new parts of me?
And it's a gentler, softer me.
(49:49):
I can still grind, but I don'tgrind with the same fervor, I
don't grind with the sameintensity.
I produce, but more mindfully,with more discernment, I guess
you could say if that makes anysense.
But I saw the value of art andI saw it was very healing for me
to do his garden and to startto work on his house.
(50:12):
And I'm different as a designernow I have a little more edge
to me.
I'm a little more I don't knowless concerned, more like free,
more wild yeah, more in touchwith your spiritual side, yeah,
yeah it's all connected, it'sall.
We think they're separate, butthey're all connected.
Speaker 2 (50:34):
They're not they're all connected, yeah oh goodness.
So I always want to ask myguests if they could recommend a
book other than yours.
Obviously, yours is going to belinked here.
Your book is truly phenomenal.
I love it.
But a book other than yoursthat has impacted you personally
or professionally that youthink the audience should read.
Speaker 1 (50:50):
Yeah, so I'm going to grab this one.
So this is the Untethered soul.
This is already on your list.
It's a good one, but it is likeso this is me.
Oh well, let me show you.
This is me like trying tounderstand what's going on.
Like why am I happy and sad?
Yes, what?
What's this soul part of me?
(51:12):
What's who's god?
Like what?
Who am I?
Why is this happening?
This was my, my playbook forunderstanding the new world I
was thrust into through thisaccident, so I read it several
times.
In fact, it's time to read itagain, because you asked me to
tell you what book to recommend.
So that, to me, is yeah, I'mgoing to pick it up again.
(51:34):
But that was incredibly helpful, because I was really confused.
I did not know what washappening.
Speaker 2 (51:40):
Right, yeah Well, and sometimes you're not meant to
fully understand it.
And one thing I think is reallyinteresting about your journey
is you talk about the differentlessons throughout your journey,
and it's not over.
Like life isn't over, it's notover You're still learning and
growing and evolving and havingto deal with what is now your
new reality, with Steve beingthe way Steve is and the impact
(52:02):
on you and the trauma and theimpact on your children and your
family.
And it is all a journey aboutexploring yourself.
But one thing that I truly justlove about you and your story
you are just so focused ontrying to help others learn from
what you've done.
Speaker 1 (52:18):
And.
Speaker 2 (52:18):
I applaud you for that, so thank you.
Thank you and thank you forhelping me do that.
Oh, and it's been so great tohave you on the show and we will
absolutely stay connected.
So thank you so much, jenna.
Your book is phenomenal.
I'm going to tag it here, Iwill post it on Instagram, I'll
talk about it.
It's just really an amazingstory and I can see it becoming
a movie.
You could hear it becoming amovie.
(52:41):
It would make a great movie, soI could see that in the future.
So thank you for coming on theshow.
Speaker 1 (52:49):
I appreciate you making so much time to talk to
us and I wish you all the best.
Thank you, jean, I appreciateit.
It was a wonderful conversation.
Speaker 2 (52:53):
Thank you, we'll talk soon.
Thank you for joining us foranother episode of the House of
Germar podcast, where wellnessstarts within.
We appreciate you being a partof our community and hope you
felt inspired and motivated byour guest.
If you enjoyed this episode,please write us a review and
share it with friends.
Building our reach on YouTubeand Apple podcasts will help us
(53:16):
get closer to our mission toempower 1 million women to live
all in.
You can also follow us onInstagram at House of Jermar and
sign up to be a part of ourmonthly inspiration newsletter
through our website,houseofjermarcom.
If you or someone you knowwould be a good guest on the
show, please reach out to us atpodcast at houseofgermarcom.
(53:39):
This has been a House of Germarproduction with your host, jean
Collins.
Thank you for joining our house.
The person I was before that was just gunning,
running, achieving her to-dolist, like I had the American
dream playbook down to a scienceright.
The family in California, inour house, with our two kids, a
boy, then a girl on vacationwith friends, just the whole
picture was, you know, idyllic.
(00:21):
But after the accident that wasgone, so that dissolved, and I
felt I don't know how todescribe this because I'd never
heard of it or seen it orexperienced it but it was as if
someone opened up the top of myhead and just poured love into
my whole body.
It's the best way to describeit.
(00:43):
So the accident happens, I getthat call him in the hospital
and I just feel overwhelmed withlove, love for Steve, love for
my children, love for ourfriends and family and love for
the girl who caused thisaccident.
I just felt undeniable loveeverywhere.
(01:03):
I just felt undeniable loveeverywhere.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Welcome to the House of Germar podcast where wellness
starts within.
The House of Germar is alifestyle brand, empowering
women to live all in throughinterior design and personal
wellness.
We are a destination for womenready to reimagine what is
(01:27):
possible in their homes andlives and then create it.
We are honored to have you joinus on our mission to empower 1
million women to live all in.
I am your host, jean Collins,and I invite you to become
inspired by this week's guest.
Welcome to the House of Jomarpodcast where wellness starts
within.
I'm your host, jean Collins,and today we are going to have a
really exciting conversationwith a new author.
(01:48):
Her name is Jenna Ann Miller.
She is a fellow interiordesigner, so we have so much to
talk about in that realm, butwe're really going to focus on
her newly published book calledthe Phenom's Wife.
This is a really cool book,I've got to say.
It had me captivated.
I read the whole book in abouta day and a half and I was so
(02:10):
entrenched in your story.
So I don't normally readpeople's bios, but I'm going to
read the bio part of the biobecause I think it really
encapsulates who you are andgives some really good
background on the book before westart to talk about the book.
So here we go.
Everybody.
Jenna's life changed forever in2017 when her husband, steve,
suffered a traumatic braininjury in a cycling accident.
Before that, she had built whatfelt like a storybook life a
loving marriage, two wonderfulchildren, a fulfilling career as
(02:32):
an interior designer.
But when tragedy struck, jennawas thrust into the dual roles
of caregiver and single parent.
Determined to bring Steve backto life, she chronicled her
journey in a public diary onCaringBridge, which eventually
became the Phenom's Wife.
Through writing, jenna realizedher story wasn't just about
trauma, community or evenmiracles.
(02:52):
It was about facing the raw,unhealed wounds that remained
and remembering the power oflove that is always present.
Jenna, welcome to the show.
Thank you so much, jean.
It's so nice to be here.
Oh, I am excited to talk to you.
We've texted.
I read your book.
I texted you.
While I was reading your book, Iwas like I am so entrenched in
(03:13):
the book and the story andthere's so much in here that I
want to talk about.
But let's first talk about thetitle.
Where did the title thePhenom's Wife come from?
What?
Where did the title thePhenom's Wife come from?
What does that even mean?
That's a really good question.
Speaker 1 (03:26):
So, as you know, my husband's struck by a car.
He's in a coma and I don't knowwhat's going to happen and I'm
longing to hear his voice.
And I Google him on theinternet because he was this
elite athlete, so there's a lotwritten about him.
He was this elite athlete, sothere's a lot written about him,
and I discovered this racingblog he wrote in 2006 and 2007
(03:49):
when he was trying to qualifyfor the Olympics.
I didn't read it at the timebecause at the time I had these
little babies.
So I'm reading this blog andI'm thinking he's talking to me.
He's telling me how he's goingto use all these hidden athletic
skills and prowess that he hadthat I didn't even know he
really had to get out of thiscoma.
And in this blog he callsanother athlete a phenom.
(04:13):
When Steve wakes up from hiscoma, I say you are the phenom.
Speaker 2 (04:21):
And you are the phenom's wife, then there you go
, that's right yeah.
So I don't want to give awaythe whole book because I want
people to read the book.
But obviously Steve was hit bya car.
Steve was in a coma.
How long was he in a comabefore he woke up?
He?
Speaker 1 (04:38):
was in a coma for, I would say, 59 days, wow.
And it wasn't like the movieswhere you wake up and say where
am I?
It was a slow awakening.
He was actually reborn.
He had to learn to breatheagain, to speak, to go to the
bathroom, to walk absolutelyeverything that a baby goes
(05:00):
through.
So it was day 59, whichhappened to be Father's Day that
he said his first words and wewere all blown away.
And what was more amazing washe wasn't speaking in sentences,
just a few little things hereand there.
But he knew our names, so wethought he's in there.
Yeah, there was indicationsthat he was in there, coming out
(05:23):
of a coma.
Like you know, he would grab myarm or turn his head or gesture
towards things, but until weheard him speak, we just didn't
know how much of him was leftfor a minute.
Speaker 2 (05:46):
I mean, his injury was severe you talk about
talking to this specialist lateron and it felt like he should
not be alive based on theseverity of his injuries.
Not only should he not be alive, but he shouldn't have any
brain capacity either.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
Yeah, I was told it took the Stanford doctors a week
to save his life.
So he was tachycardic in theICU you know the ups and downs
you see on TV for a week andwhen they brought me into the
room with all the doctors to sayokay, he survived, they said we
don't know what survived andthey told me to expect him to be
(06:18):
confused for a very long time,have difficulty finding his way
to the bathroom, brushing histeeth, doing very basic things.
So I was led to believe thatthere wasn't going to be much
and, truth be told, in thatmoment I couldn't really even
pay attention to that.
I couldn't focus on it.
I was just so happy that helived.
Speaker 2 (06:39):
Yeah, but at the same time he lived and became a
different person, and you becamea different person as well as a
result of this journey.
Absolutely so share a littlebit about the person that you
were as you describe yourselfand the person that you had to
evolve into as this happened.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
That's a great question.
As this happened, that's agreat question.
So in reading about yourbackground and your story, I
felt a lot of similarities.
Before the accident, I was justa crusher interior designer,
going a million miles an hourgoing here, going there, raising
two kids.
I was the breadwinner of ourfamily.
I was the CFO.
(07:22):
I managed the house.
I managed the kids.
My kids had their own crazyadventures as well.
Then I had this husband thatwas an elite athlete that was
often riding his bike, so therewas a lot to take care of.
So I was standing very strong onmy titanium to-do list and this
accident crushed it Like it wasgone.
(07:42):
So the person I was before thatwas just gunning, running,
achieving her to-do list like Ihad the American dream playbook,
down to a science right, thefamily in California in our
house, with our two kids a boythen a girl on vacation with
friends.
Just the whole picture wasidyllic.
(08:05):
But after the accident, thatwas gone.
So that dissolved and I felt Idon't know how to describe this
because I'd never heard of it orseen it or experienced it but
it was as if someone opened upthe top of my head and just
poured love into my whole body,it's the best way to describe it
(08:28):
.
So the accident happens, I getthat call him in the hospital
and I just feel overwhelmed withlove love for Steve, love for
my children, love for ourfriends and family and love for
the girl who caused thisaccident.
I just felt undeniable loveeverywhere and I didn't know
(08:50):
what that was at the time.
I'm still searching anddiscovering and reading about
what that was.
But my friends who werespiritual which I didn't
consider myself spiritual at thetime told me you had a
trauma-induced spiritualawakening and I was like, okay,
(09:12):
when you're not spiritual, it'shard to understand that one.
But the way my body felt, theway my mind felt, my words were
slow, my thoughts were slow, thephysical world around me dimmed
, all the things I used to careabout weren't relevant and I
sort of saw the world throughthis lens of love.
(09:32):
And that was my platform forhow I was going to survive this
tragedy and live my new life.
And I had this blog that myfriends created on CaringBridge
and that was how we were to tellour friends and family what was
happening with Steve.
I did that, but I also used itas a way to share my personal
(09:54):
diary.
So at night, as I'm crying,can't sleep, can't do anything
except think about what'shappening.
I'm just writing it all,everything.
I'm feeling all the despair,all the anguish, all the grief,
and then also the blessings andthe joy.
I had this really confusingparadox why am I feeling so much
(10:16):
love and joy at this time whenI should be a wreck, a ball on
the floor, unable to move?
It was really hard for mychildren as well to see that.
That's what I did, and I think,through that journey of sharing
my vulnerable heart, being mytrue self, everything I was
(10:37):
experiencing all at once withthis community.
They rose up with me and theygave me love in return, and then
we just created this big fieldof love.
I mean, it sounds so corny, butI don't know what else to call
it.
That's what it was.
It was magic, it was anincredible time.
It was the worst time of mylife and the best time of my
life in many ways.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Yes, well, and you write about it in such a
beautiful way that you can feelthat there's pain with this,
like this is so traumatic andthe parts that hit me the
hardest were your kids, becauseit's like anyone who's a parent
like, but there's so much pain.
However, in every single chapteryou are talking about the
(11:19):
blessings and the joys and yourmindset about.
I just have this faith now.
I didn't believe in God and Inow have a real spiritual faith
that it will be okay, no matterwhat.
It will be okay and that was sopowerful throughout the book.
Speaker 1 (11:40):
Yeah, and that's not the person I was before the
accident Like.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
I wouldn't have.
That's what I was going to say.
Like you weren't right, youwere not at all If you had
whispered in my ear.
Speaker 1 (11:50):
This is what's going to happen to you in the next
eight years.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
I would have said no way am I going to survive that.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
No way am I going to be that person you're describing
.
Not at all, because I was verycontrolling of life.
Life was something for me toconquer.
There was nothing to conquerhere.
I was completely surrendered.
There was nowhere to go.
Yeah, you know, it's like youthink, when trauma happens to
you, that it's interrupting yourlife, right, but the reality is
(12:17):
that that to-do list that I wasso attached to, that was the
distraction.
Trauma actually showed me whatlife is.
It was painful.
I wouldn't wish it on anyone,but I'm a different person now
because of it, and I can't denythat.
(12:39):
So I used to feel and I wrotethis in my blog.
I think it transferred to thebook I would say I want to give
this feeling away.
I want other people to have thefeeling I have without the
trauma.
Is that possible?
So I'm told that people canwitness trauma and then
experience the benefits.
(12:59):
I hope that that's the casewith my book.
I hope no one has to go throughwhat we've went through, but
the gifts are undeniable.
So that's the joy and pain.
I was embarrassed to tell peopleI felt joy.
Everyone's expecting you tofall apart Right how?
And I did fall apart, butthat's the thing I was falling
apart and I was seeing all thesegood things at the same time,
(13:23):
so it was really confusing.
But then I realized isn't thatwhat life is?
Because life isn't something wecan control and predict and
make exactly how we want it.
Life throws you shit, sometimesright, and so it's like it's
both.
That's what it is, so itcertainly was a lesson in all of
that.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
So let's talk about your CaringBridge post, because
you went from probably a hundredpeople that were your closest
friends, looking at what youposted to tell everybody what
happened with that.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
So it just kept growing and growing and I was
like gosh, do we know a thousandpeople?
And I was like maybe 1,500,2,000, 3,000.
I think it went up to like over3,000 people, and I most
certainly did not know that manypeople.
But what started to happen wasI started building these
(14:17):
connections with strangers.
I mean, I was blown away aboutwhat people who didn't know us
were doing for us.
One example is this woman sentme this text on the blog saying
I'd like to send you some salmon.
I'm thinking, oh, this must bea friend of Steve's, a cycling
(14:38):
friend or something.
She says I know you don't knowus, but my husband's going on
this fishing trip in Kenai inAlaska and we'd love to send you
some of his fresh haul.
This woman from Alaska issending me stuff Like are you
kidding me?
There are so many experienceslike that where people who she's
(15:00):
like I just stumbled upon yourblog and I can't stop reading it
.
Things like that were happening, and so it it.
What it did was it furtherreinforced this feeling that
we're all connected.
That's one of the huge lessonsof my story is grief can feel so
lonely and no one is goingthrough the experience you're
(15:21):
going through.
Even my own children werehaving different experiences
than I was having.
But when you open up, when youshare with others and you allow
them to come into your tenderheart and you allow them to give
and you receive those gifts,it's an incredible feeling of
solace that I could never havegotten alone.
(15:43):
Incredible feeling of solacethat I could never have gotten
alone.
One of the things people oftensay about me is you're so strong
, and I agree Like I do have acertain amount of strength, but
my strength was amplifiedbecause I had this intimacy with
this community that I didn'tknow was possible.
I just didn't imagine it.
(16:04):
So it's, it's again, it's theduality, it's, yes, I'm strong,
but my strength was onlyenhanced by, by these loving
people that surrounded us andcared for us.
We're not in isolation in anyof this, the joy and the pain.
You can't separate those.
You know.
It's all, it's, it's both andall around.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
So those you know.
It's all, it's, it's both andall around.
So, yeah, and your story talksa lot about growth, which is
really inspiring, and and justwhen you think you have a plan
like your husband coming homeand you had a plan and okay,
everybody's working towards thisdate you have a plan and then
talk to us when insurance has adifferent plan.
Tell us a little about thatstory, because that's insurance.
Speaker 1 (16:46):
It's so funny.
I didn't.
There are so many insurancestories.
My stack of medical bills isthis tall.
I still have it.
It's hard.
I thought about burning it, butI probably should someday, but
I still have it.
Yeah, so Steve, he's been in thehospital now for almost four
months and we have a plan tobring him home.
(17:09):
Like this is terrifying.
So to give you an idea of whoSteve is, he's like a baby who
could text an Uber.
So he has the vulnerability,just innocence, of a child, of a
baby even in some ways.
But then he he can do otherthings, like he can text and he
(17:29):
can get online and and so caringfor him is is dangerous, it's
scary.
Like what's he capable of?
Is he going to walk out thefront door?
Is he going to go get an Uberand go who knows where?
What's going to happen?
So I was like and I am nowgoing to be right so I was like,
and I am now going to be theprimary care physician on duty
caring for this guy, and ourhouse is TBI headquarters, so I
(17:55):
needed time and they have havethe safety of the hospital, et
cetera.
So I'm thinking we havesomewhat of a plan for his
release date and then insurancecalls and says effective
(18:21):
immediately it's time to go, andalso Jean, of course, I'm doing
a mini remodel of the home,getting it ready for his mom to
come stay with us for a fewmonths.
That's not finished, of course.
So I'm in panic mode and Ireach out to my blog and I say
this is what's happening.
Anybody know, anybody at ourinsurance company, and of course
I go to plan B.
(18:41):
Okay, what are the blessings?
The blessings to me was itcould be the reverse.
They could say you know, he'snot ready to go, he needs to be
put in a nursing home, somethinglike that.
So I'm spinning it and I'm alsogunning it, trying to organize
the house and make it low stemand all the things you're
supposed to do for TBI.
The blog responds and somebodyknows somebody at our health
(19:04):
insurance, and the person theyknow is the chief executive
officer of our billion dollarinsurance company.
So, needless to say, mondaymorning, jenna, steve can stay
Right, and so I mean that's likea.
We're a privileged family, wehave connections Right, and so
I'm aware of that Right, and soI'm aware of that.
(19:43):
But at the same time, it's alsomore than that.
It's that people care, thatpeople were reading the blog,
that people were on this wayswith their talents of being
therapists or helping menavigate the children, or even
just bringing us food.
I mean everything you canimagine.
Someone even took out my trash,jean.
Speaker 2 (20:01):
Yeah, when you read the book, it is truly amazing.
The village that stepped inbecause and we haven't talked
about this enough yet butbecause your role in life
changed and you became acaretaker in a very different
way than being a solebreadwinner, were actually
(20:23):
responsible for the life ofanother human, just like when
you give birth to a baby.
Yet as you say he's big.
We talk about stories about howhe was restrained and you took
off the restraints and all of asudden he's fighting you and
trying to take out his feedingtube and all these other things,
and it's so visual.
Speaker 1 (20:43):
You're like oh my goodness, yeah Well, what's
interesting about what you sayis you've become a caregiver,
jean, I didn't know that.
I only learned that word a yearago.
Oh, wow was happening and thismay be part of grief, of coping,
(21:10):
of denial, whatever tools I hadto use to get through it, but I
thought I'm a wife and a motherdoing what needs to be done in
a really horrific situation.
I didn't know, I was acaregiver at all.
And I actually started fallingapart.
And I don't know if I writeabout this in the book, but I
started fainting during Steve'shospital visits.
(21:31):
At first I was fainting becauseI was giving blood.
Then I was fainting becauseSteve was about to go in for
neurosurgery and I see them putthe thing in his vein and I'm
like, right.
Then I started fainting whenSteve was going for a
nutritionist visit and I waslike, really, like I mean I'm
not going to kill this man withmy beet juice.
Speaker 2 (21:53):
Like what am I afraid of?
Speaker 1 (21:55):
And that's when I realized and that was maybe like
five months after the accidentthat started happening I
realized, oh boy, I'm in it toodeep.
But I still didn't know I was acaregiver, jean.
So I didn't go to the doctor, Iwent to maybe a healer around
the corner that a friend took meto.
I tried to meditate, I tried todo wellness things, but I
(22:20):
couldn't focus on me because heneeded so much time and
attention and, as you know fromthe book, there were more
traumas to come that requiredeven more caregiving, more
intense caregiving, and therewas certainly.
I could not go down, I couldnot be sick, so I ignored it.
And so that, knowing what Iknow now, if there's, I mean
(22:43):
many things I'd like to do forothers, but I'd like to help
caregivers focus on themselves,which is just so difficult
because we don't know we arecaregivers and that's a real
hard nut to crack, but I can try.
Speaker 2 (23:02):
Of talking about that and talking about really making
it come to life, just thesimple joys of going to a
friend's house with yourdaughter and being there for an
hour to just engage in somethingthat is outside of you being a
caretaker and a caregiver forothers and recognizing that that
(23:22):
fuels you and I think, in yourprocess you're not.
You're receiving so much helpright?
So much help with the meals andthe kids and the blog and the
support and the resources andthe you know the incredible
medical staff.
You had so much support.
But, as you get later into thebook, what you realize is what
you didn't do is stop to figureout how you're going to fuel you
(23:45):
.
And it's like everything inlife, and Steve is taking, and
taking, and taking, and then, ashe starts to get better, I felt
like he was taking even morebecause it just became so much
more work, mentally andphysically, to care for him.
And then by that point we'lltalk about your kids a little
bit here.
By that point your kids arelike unraveling and they're like
(24:05):
we didn't sign up for this.
Yeah exactly.
And like dad isn't dad.
So talk about that for a littlebit, because I think you quote
your daughter a couple of timesto be like when is dad coming
back?
When's dad?
Coming home and like but dad,like Steve was there.
Speaker 1 (24:20):
Yeah, yeah, and this is a really.
And we're still navigating thiseight years later.
My children are 18 and 20 andit's still a struggle.
So he's not the person he wasin any way.
Yeah, of course he's verychildlike.
He's unable to care for himself, he's unable to live alone,
(24:51):
able to live alone, and he, hewants to be a good dad and a
good husband and a good friendand a good son and all those
things.
He doesn't have the executivefunctioning skills to carry
those out and so my children andI struggle with this.
I wanted to I'm no longerSteve's caregiver and I wanted
him to be with us for a few daysover the Christmas holidays,
when the kids are home forChristmas.
(25:11):
I said to the kids listen,we'll have dad, we'll have the
friends come into the house,we'll do like an open house, the
rolling front door, like itused to be.
And they both said no, and thatwas really hard to hear.
Both said no and that wasreally hard to hear, because I'm
(25:32):
wondering what am I not doingin this moment that my future
self would know to do to supportthese kids?
It's really about the kids now.
I've done the best I can withSteve, steve's doing the best he
can.
His caregivers are doing thebest they can, but these
children, this trauma hasinformed their childhood and
will inform their present allthe way through their whole life
.
So what can I do to supportthem in their healing of this
(25:53):
trauma that they've inherited?
They didn't ask for this right,right, no.
So my son said somethingincredibly powerful to me.
He said mom, I know what you'redoing.
I know the visions you have inyour head of bringing the
estranged man home, to his homefor Christmas, to be with the
children.
It's very hallmark, it'sbeautiful.
I know what you're thinking andfeeling, but you've forgotten.
(26:16):
You've forgotten what it's liketo be with him day in and day
out, how painful it is, how hardit is, how it's not the person
you think.
It is in your head right nowand you have to spend energy
being with that person in thattime.
And then you have to recoverfrom that, and that recovery
could take weeks or months.
Speaker 2 (26:36):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:36):
And so, respectfully, I have to say no to that.
I just don't have it in me.
He says there's a part of methat wishes that I could be my
future self, who's maybe not astriggered and not as heartbroken
and has the energy to withstandthat.
But I'm not that person.
I'm who I am now and I have toforgive myself that I can't be
(26:57):
anything other than what I am.
And he said maybe someday whendad passes away, I will regret
this moment, but this is all Ican do in this moment.
And that was like wow, likethanks, peyton, that was.
That says a lot.
And you know, life is livedforward and understood backwards
(27:18):
Like I can't.
I don't know what else to dofor my kids.
They really struggle with howto hold Steve, how to engage
with him, how to spend time withhim, because he says he misses
them.
But then the pain that causesthem is difficult.
I mean 18 and 20,.
These are tough years.
(27:38):
These are the early collegeyears.
They're figuring themselves out.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
They're not interested in their parents
anyway.
Right, exactly.
Speaker 1 (27:45):
I mean, let's be honest, they're not that
interested in us anyway.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
Very true, but it's hard because dad isn't the same
dad and dad requires a lot ofcare.
But that's so.
You should feel so proud thatyour son has that level of
awareness and enlightenmentabout himself and can
communicate that, because thatwill make him an incredibly
special human and an adult as hekeeps going on his journey.
Speaker 1 (28:12):
Yeah, I have no doubt that my children, the gifts
from this tragedy will beincredible for them in their
lives and just, it's just stillhard right it's the both and
right it's like I see the giftsand I see the pain.
And now I hold it a little more,with more discernment, a little
more grounded level than maybeI did during the accident days.
(28:34):
And in the accident days I wasjust so convinced he was going
to have a full recovery.
I mean, I put I, I told thekids you haven't seen the fight
in me, I'm going to bring yourdad back.
I made a promise that Ishouldn't have made.
Speaker 2 (28:49):
So so why did you decide to write a book?
Because it's one thing to havea blog and just sort of lose
there, it's a whole nother thingto put your life out into a
book that is out there forever,definitely.
Speaker 1 (29:02):
I think, first and foremost, is that I experienced
something extraordinary with myblog readers and with my family
and even with my husband, that Ijust never knew was possible.
I'm in my worst nightmare.
I'm leveled to the ground andI'm happy and I'm cared for and
(29:25):
I'm loved.
Our house was like DowntonAbbey just people everywhere all
the time.
It just you just felt like youwere a part of something and I
and it's like, as I'm thinkingabout this book, which sometimes
can overwhelm me, I can getoverwhelmed by my own book,
because there's so much in there.
It's like what do I pull from?
What do I focus on?
What do I?
You know, and I think it's justdepends on the reader, but for
(29:45):
your readers, who are interestedin wellness and caring for
themselves and all of that, Ifeel that the biggest, one of
the biggest threads, is that Iwas vulnerable, I revealed
myself.
I didn't have a choice.
It just was what was happeningat the time, because I was
poured with love and we all hadthis common goal me and my blog
(30:08):
readers which is reallycommunity I say blog readers,
community, family, friends, allthat right and our common goal
was to save our family, andwhatever that means.
That means save Steve.
Steve comes out of his coma, thekids and I are cared for.
I'm not on the ground writhingin pain, crying, unable to tend
to my children.
(30:28):
My children are getting toschool, my children are being
hugged at school, we're beingfed All of those things right.
So there's this common goal inthis huge community that's
forming around us and I'mblogging every single day.
So every day, people arehearing everything from the good
, the bad and everything inbetween and it just created this
(30:52):
field of love and this energyforce that was powerful, that
created miracles and I hope yougot a sense of that in the book
all of the miracles thathappened, the magic.
I would think of something andit would show up on my front
porch.
I'm looking at my phone as Ihave a thought oh, steve needs a
(31:13):
haircut and then a hairdresseris saying in that moment.
Do you understand how wild thatfelt?
And it was happening all daylong, every day, day in and day
out.
I was like what is going on?
I didn't understand it.
My spiritual friends had toexplain it to me, which I still
don't even really understand.
(31:34):
But I think there is some likequantum physics to all of this
right, that we are literally,physically, biologically
connected, that these people,through this everyday blog, were
thinking the same thing,wishing the same thing, praying
for the same thing, and, as I'msharing events that are
happening, it's creating moreevents, more events, more people
(31:56):
participating, and it wasincredibly powerful and
incredibly beautiful.
I want people to see that and Iwant to see could that be
translated elsewhere.
I'm sure it happens indisasters.
I'm sure it happens in otherforms, like ours, but we're such
a model for what can happenwhen people come together under
the umbrella of love and supporteach other.
(32:17):
Right, and it sounds so corny,but I don't know how else to
describe it it's really whathappened and part of me misses
it.
I was talking to a person who'sreading my book, who's a widow
and tragically lost his wifemany years ago, and he said oh,
jenna, in your book, I rememberthat that you've lost your
(32:40):
partner, life is over as youknow it.
You have children.
It's devastating, but at thesame time, there's this energy
when the community comes aroundyou and supports you, and the
goal is to get through it and tosurvive it.
And he said there's justsomething so beautiful about
that, because it's the essenceof life.
(33:00):
Right, life is not the to-dolist, life is not the accolades
and the bank account and thecars and the whatever that's
what we fill our lives with.
But trauma unfortunately showsus what it really is.
And how can we get therewithout the trauma?
That's my big question.
(33:21):
Exactly Right, how can we do it?
Speaker 2 (33:23):
But you're sharing your story to give people a
glimpse, and it helps them takea pause in their own lives and
think about those key things, tothink about caring, to think
about love, to think aboutcompassion, to think about the
mindset that you had to dealwith this tragedy and to deal
with what's happening to yourfamily, and and also giving
(33:44):
people a chance to take a pauseand say I don't have the tragedy
, but maybe I can learnsomething from this, without
having to have the tragedy, andwouldn't that be great.
Speaker 1 (33:53):
Yes, that's so beautiful that you say the word
pause.
That was actually a very potentword.
On our journey In one of hishospitals, the chaplain came up
to us and and I was there withmy children, which was nice and
she said one of the gifts ofthis tragedy is that it gave
your life a pause to reflect.
Of course, and that is so true,so true.
(34:16):
But that's the big question,isn't it, jean?
How do you blend the grind?
You've got to pay the bills,you've got to take up the trash,
you've got to walk the dog,you've got to go to the
groceries, you've got to makedinner, all that stuff, right.
You've got to figure out yourretirement, all these things.
And it's almost like now, intoday's world, we have more
things coming down on us becausewe have access to more
(34:36):
information.
There's infinite podcasts,infinite books, infinite things
to work on and everything Right.
There's so much to do.
How do you find time in yourlife for the pause?
And I think that's, and thattakes protocols, because during
tragedy I didn't have a choice,but nowadays I build protocols
(35:01):
into my life.
It's the only way I know how todo it.
I have to say, every morning,I'm going to read my declaration
Every night.
I'm going to read, go throughall this tragedy.
I knew this.
I talked about this in the book.
I'm so afraid to lose thisfeeling.
I was terrified to lose it andI did.
(35:22):
It comes in and out.
It ebbs and flows.
Overall.
I have it, but not the feelingI had then, but be living in
that life Right and you don'twant to be living in that life,
yeah.
No, I have to be grounded.
So it's just how do you staygrounded in the reality of
everyday living and have thatperspective, that pause you know
(35:47):
to take in what it really isLike?
Who are we really?
We're really just souls andbodies, right, so Going through
a journey.
Speaker 2 (35:55):
At least that's what I've learned.
It's a lot.
It's a lot to learn.
Let's switch gears and talkabout nutrition and food for a
minute.
So, you talk a lot and Ithought this was so interesting.
You talk about brain food andbringing Steve his own food, and
so talk to me about yourjourney and sort of identifying
how you could use nutrition totry to help his brain heal.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
First of all, that's also a paradox, because, as I
was surrendered to thisexperience once I found ways to
insert myself into it, then Istarted grinding again.
Speaker 2 (36:30):
Certainly, the food was a bit of a grind.
Speaker 1 (36:33):
I was a little over the top, but the nurses were
inspired and the doctors hit ormiss.
You know, dr Moser was askingSteve where the ice cream was
and I was like what are youdoing?
Yeah, so that's just part of mynature.
I'm a researcher at heart.
And when he was waking up and Isaw what they were putting on
the hospital tray, of course Iwas disgusted.
(36:53):
Everyone knows this right, it'sfruit in corn syrup, and corn
syrup even was in his feed tube,which I still.
Yeah, I researched this othercompany called Kate Farms, which
, does you know, wholesome foodsin their feed tube, but I was
just too frightened to askStanford to switch it up.
Could you switch up the feedtube?
I know, I know we're not surehe's going to make it.
(37:14):
I was afraid to touch him.
Literally I was like, oh, youknow, he was so fragile.
But yeah, so I researched brainfood.
There's a local mom, of course,in Wonderland, my town of Mill
Valley, who is a brainnutritionist and she kindly
supported me and gave me lots ofinformation.
(37:36):
I had another friend who waskeen on an anti-inflammatory
diet.
Actually, not even a friend, astranger, technically, someone
I'd never met came to my houseand cooked brain food with me
and showed me how to do it andgave me all kinds of ideas.
And then I decided that I wasgoing to bring Steve food every
(37:56):
day at the hospital and they hada protocol for the hospital
refrigerator.
I had to label the bags, putthe dates on them.
They threw out food that was,you know, more than two or three
days old and it was a rigmarole.
And it was me in the kitchen,like Wizard of Oz, whipping up
my brain food with the kidswhipping up my brain food, with
(38:18):
the kids Hurry up, hurry upsweating.
We got to make it before 12noon, before the rubber chicken
gets to dad, and so we had sortof a little I don't know what
you call it just a littleeveryday thing that we did a
ritual, if you will, of makinghim food, and what was
interesting was his response toit.
I think it was just a feeling.
It's not that he necessarilyknew he wanted the brain food.
(38:39):
It was like this is me showinghim I'm caring for you Steve.
I care about you so much, I'mbringing you a 12 course meal
Remember.
I was literally so many coursesand you're not kidding you, you
like?
Right out.
I was like that is not justlike a healthy three item thing
you are bringing him massivemeals.
Massive meals, yeah.
(39:01):
And then I had worksheetsposted on his hospital wall of
the food and the details and nosugar, no this, no that, and
explaining all the things he'sallergic to.
I was pretending he wasallergic to things Because Sarah
batted for a healing brain.
I mean, I was, I was crazy, Idon't even.
(39:21):
I look at pictures.
I go, wow, I mean, did peoplethink I was cuckoo?
You do what you have to do.
I was determined.
I was on a mission to save thisman and I just believed he
needed every ounce of healing Icould possibly give him and
what's, what's.
I don't know if this is sad.
I'm trying not to feel sadabout this.
(39:42):
I did the best I could in thatmoment, but I didn't pack any
food for me or the kids, so we,we would eat the banana off the
hospital tray or the rubberchicken, or sometimes I'd order
in food to the hospital for us.
I just couldn't wrap my headaround making all that food for
four people and I was just solaser focused as a caregiver on
(40:04):
my patient and my kids suffereda lot Overall.
That was a thread throughoutthis experience.
I thought I had to bring theirdad back.
Speaker 2 (40:15):
Right, and that was the gift you were going to give
them.
Speaker 1 (40:17):
Yeah, that was the gift I was giving them.
Part of that was a lack ofself-love that I was always sort
of the mom that made them cleantheir room and made them eat.
I was already giving them kaleshakes and celery juice.
Long before this.
I was already this superhealthy kind of person.
My poor kids had vegetablemuffins as kids, not blueberry
(40:39):
muffins.
It was kind of difficult, but Ijust thought, you know, their
dad was the fun one.
He was the one that wasteaching them to ski and
planning their birthday partiesand taking them out for ice
cream before dinner and I waslike drink your kale shake,
clean your room, get yourhomework done.
So I thought we needed him tosurvive and they would, of
(41:00):
course, have a sad life withouttheir dad, which is expected,
but I thought it was at theexpense of me and them.
I just put all my eggs in thatbasket and there's a lot I would
do differently.
If I could tell another Jennahere now and someone in my
position, I'd have a lot to sayto her.
Speaker 2 (41:38):
You grew and you and I texted about this.
You grew also in terms of yourcareer and thinking about how
you wanted career to be for youafter and now in life, now.
So let's talk a little bitabout career now.
Speaker 1 (41:46):
Right, so it's so interesting, right, because I'm
balancing these two careersright now.
Right, I have my interiordesign career, which I've
returned to, so I'm slowlyramping up to that, and then I
have this desire to publish andspeak about my healing journey
and everything associated withthat.
We'll just call it a healingjourney, because it's a couple
(42:07):
in couple so much, and so justthinking of those two things
paired together to me feels likeanother trial of the paradox of
life, right, it's like to me,like remodeling a kitchen is not
quite the same as helping acaregiver with her terminally
ill spouse right, those are justtwo very, very different things
(42:30):
and I've been thinking aboutwhat they mean, and there's so
many people that want me to goback to design full force and
put my heart into it and doingit and I'm enjoying it.
But there's another part of meit's like I can't go where I was
before, that I can't return tothat of just you know doing it
and yeah, and different.
And one of the things actuallysurprisingly, that the journey
(42:52):
taught me was how healing art is.
I didn't know this, so I'lljust give this away.
Steve is diagnosed with cancertwo years after the accident and
he's crippled because thecancer breaks his bones and so
he's in a hospital bed in theliving room and the caregiving
(43:14):
has intensified beyond anythingI could have known, because he
still has this traumatic braininjury.
He still has the mind of achild and now he's on chemo.
So we talk about chemo, brainchemo and TBI brain is horrific.
This isn't talked about in thebook.
It's just discussed at the endand then like a paragraph.
But that was incrediblydifficult to one get the
(43:35):
diagnosis and two to then livewith it and live with him
withering away in our livingroom.
We live in a pretty small housein Mill Valley.
It's one level.
We're all together, right.
So my neighbor, who was aneighbor who I barely knew,
turned into a blog reader,turned into a dear family friend
(43:55):
.
He's one of the closest peoplein my life, matt.
I call him Mayor Matt in thebook because he's the mayor of
our town, quote, unquote.
He takes care of everyone.
He says to me Jenna, let'splant a garden.
And I'm like Matt, I'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (44:09):
Did you not read the blog post?
Speaker 1 (44:10):
Yes, Steve has stage four cancer and I just ignored
him and he kept mentioning and Ijust kept ignoring him.
And then one day I just said,well, let me just think about
this for a minute.
And we talked about it andsomehow he convinced me it was a
(44:31):
good idea to plant.
And planting a garden, likeMatt is like me.
He's a Miller girl.
My sisters and I call eachother Miller girls.
We attack something, we'regoing to do something.
We go whole hog.
There's no light gardening, soit becomes a huge, massive
project and he, of course,brings in the community.
The community is a part of it.
We're hauling dirt, we'reexcavating, we're digging.
(44:54):
I actually have to go tophysical therapy creating this
new garden because I dig so hardthat I, you know, hurt my neck.
But what it does is it gives mea space to be outside of the
cancer and the brain injury.
But Steve is right there.
Right, he's right there in theliving room bed.
(45:15):
He can see me out the window.
Our whole yard is visible fromwhere he's lying and I can still
take care of Steve as hiscaregiver, make sure he's safe,
be there if he needs something,because he can't move.
But I can do something for meand I can put my hands in dirt
and I can plant seeds that growinto flowers and I can transform
(45:39):
the feeling of our garden.
And what's telling is the way Iconvinced myself to do this was
I said this will be good forSteve, because Steve will look
out from the hospital bed andsee these pretty flowers,
because I had to have an excuseto not be doting on him 24 seven
.
Otherwise it would have beenmaking endless juices, tons of
(46:02):
food that he wouldn't eat Causeyou know, when you're on chemo
you're not eating.
So I found myself in the garden.
I found the peace that you getwith nature, with literally
physically touching the earth.
It was meditative.
I was out there with myheadlamp at night.
I wouldn't leave it.
I became obsessed withsomething else that wasn't Steve
(46:25):
, and it was incrediblynurturing and wonderful to
create beauty again.
That's what I did as a designerand I thought that part of me
was dead.
That's not coming back.
There's no meaning in newkitchens and bathrooms.
Speaker 2 (46:39):
Who cares what your house?
Speaker 1 (46:40):
looks like right, I mean, that was.
I was like are you kidding me?
That's just not important.
And so I was able to give thatgift to me, thanks to Matt, and
also start to see myself for thefirst time.
So that was 2019.
(47:00):
So the accident was 2017.
So two and a half years afterthe accident, I started to get a
glimmer of me, just a glimmer.
It would still take me many,many more years to even know the
word caregiver and to even knowwhat I did was extraordinary as
someone caring for someone else.
(47:21):
But that was the start of itand I have Matt to thank for
that.
And that also taught me thegift of creation again, because
I had thought that I isolated.
That Designer is over here, theperson who does that is here,
and this person is a caregivereven though I didn't know that
word, is here.
So now I blend the two.
So, as I, when I became freefrom caregiving from Steve full
(47:47):
time, I had to think what am Igoing to do?
Again, I didn't know.
I mean, it's like, okay, thebook wasn't written, not that
you're going to make moneyselling a book, but I needed to
start paying the bills and Ineeded to figure out who I was.
I worked at a flower shop forsix weeks and so I started
(48:10):
creating beauty slowly at theflower shop and I walked the
flower shop from my home in MillValley Mill Valley is
incredibly idyllic, it's likethe cutest town and so I just
started to ease into that.
And then my partner said well,why don't you get back into
design?
Everybody kept saying it.
I just thought, oh, I don'tknow, can I?
(48:31):
And then something happened.
Oh, I accidentally posted abunch of design photos on my new
Instagram.
I didn't even have an onlinepresence before the accident, I
was just word of mouth.
And then they populated toFacebook Next thing.
You know, my design photos areall over Facebook and I'm
starting to get calls.
I'm like wait what's happeningLike oh, I didn't realize I did
(48:51):
that and so I sort of fell intoit.
And so I sort of fell into it.
But even prior to that I hadstarted getting my sort of
fingers wet just testing thewaters at my boyfriend's house.
He said I said I need to over,I need to redo your front yard.
It's just a mess.
And one day I just transformedit and that was so satisfying
(49:15):
and felt so good again.
And the next thing I'm paintinghis front door.
The next thing I know I'm likeI found this beautiful piece of
art at the junkyard.
Speaker 2 (49:23):
You're creating again .
I'm creating again.
Speaker 1 (49:26):
You're creating.
But I was doing it in isolation, I was doing it for me, I was
doing it to feel good again, tosee could that part of me
resurface?
And what does it look like whenI blend the old parts of me
with the new parts of me?
And it's a gentler, softer me.
(49:49):
I can still grind, but I don'tgrind with the same fervor, I
don't grind with the sameintensity.
I produce, but more mindfully,with more discernment, I guess
you could say if that makes anysense.
But I saw the value of art andI saw it was very healing for me
to do his garden and to startto work on his house.
(50:12):
And I'm different as a designernow I have a little more edge
to me.
I'm a little more I don't knowless concerned, more like free,
more wild yeah, more in touchwith your spiritual side, yeah,
yeah it's all connected, it'sall.
We think they're separate, butthey're all connected.
Speaker 2 (50:34):
They're not they're all connected, yeah oh goodness.
So I always want to ask myguests if they could recommend a
book other than yours.
Obviously, yours is going to belinked here.
Your book is truly phenomenal.
I love it.
But a book other than yoursthat has impacted you personally
or professionally that youthink the audience should read.
Speaker 1 (50:50):
Yeah, so I'm going to grab this one.
So this is the Untethered soul.
This is already on your list.
It's a good one, but it is likeso this is me.
Oh well, let me show you.
This is me like trying tounderstand what's going on.
Like why am I happy and sad?
Yes, what?
What's this soul part of me?
(51:12):
What's who's god?
Like what?
Who am I?
Why is this happening?
This was my, my playbook forunderstanding the new world I
was thrust into through thisaccident, so I read it several
times.
In fact, it's time to read itagain, because you asked me to
tell you what book to recommend.
So that, to me, is yeah, I'mgoing to pick it up again.
(51:34):
But that was incredibly helpful, because I was really confused.
I did not know what washappening.
Speaker 2 (51:40):
Right, yeah Well, and sometimes you're not meant to
fully understand it.
And one thing I think is reallyinteresting about your journey
is you talk about the differentlessons throughout your journey,
and it's not over.
Like life isn't over, it's notover You're still learning and
growing and evolving and havingto deal with what is now your
new reality, with Steve beingthe way Steve is and the impact
(52:02):
on you and the trauma and theimpact on your children and your
family.
And it is all a journey aboutexploring yourself.
But one thing that I truly justlove about you and your story
you are just so focused ontrying to help others learn from
what you've done.
Speaker 1 (52:18):
And.
Speaker 2 (52:18):
I applaud you for that, so thank you.
Thank you and thank you forhelping me do that.
Oh, and it's been so great tohave you on the show and we will
absolutely stay connected.
So thank you so much, jenna.
Your book is phenomenal.
I'm going to tag it here, Iwill post it on Instagram, I'll
talk about it.
It's just really an amazingstory and I can see it becoming
a movie.
You could hear it becoming amovie.
(52:41):
It would make a great movie, soI could see that in the future.
So thank you for coming on theshow.
Speaker 1 (52:49):
I appreciate you making so much time to talk to
us and I wish you all the best.
Thank you, jean, I appreciateit.
It was a wonderful conversation.
Speaker 2 (52:53):
Thank you, we'll talk soon.
Thank you for joining us foranother episode of the House of
Germar podcast, where wellnessstarts within.
We appreciate you being a partof our community and hope you
felt inspired and motivated byour guest.
If you enjoyed this episode,please write us a review and
share it with friends.
Building our reach on YouTubeand Apple podcasts will help us
(53:16):
get closer to our mission toempower 1 million women to live
all in.
You can also follow us onInstagram at House of Jermar and
sign up to be a part of ourmonthly inspiration newsletter
through our website,houseofjermarcom.
If you or someone you knowwould be a good guest on the
show, please reach out to us atpodcast at houseofgermarcom.
(53:39):
This has been a House of Germarproduction with your host, jean
Collins.
Thank you for joining our house.
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