Essential Agreements For Couples Abroad | Ep 66

Mickelle shares a pivotal moment from her TEDx talk, Can Blockchain Be Used to Decode the Future of Economics? A story that begins in a bank while getting a mortgage and unfolds into a raw realization about the value we create in relationships.

She invites listeners to reflect on the often-invisible labor that the entire world economy runs on most especially in international moves, and why it's essential to have value conversations before crisis, or resentment or even before committing to the work itself. Through personal experience and economic insight, Mickelle reframes caregiving as crucial infrastructure, worthy of recognition and compensation.

Key Moments:

• Why shared households don’t always mean shared security
  
  
  
• The emotional and economic risks of assuming you are being valued
  
  
  
• How unpaid care work underpins our entire economy
  
  
  
• A call to create household agreements before big moves abroad(or any big transitions)
  
  
  

Watch the full TEDx talk: youtube.com/watch?v=vVKMVPc_aoo
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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hi, I'm Mikkel Weber. Founder and auteur of House of.
Peregrine Expat. Immigrant.
Pioneer. None of these were a fit, but
Peregrine describes what we are all about perfectly.
Those that craft their life story with intention.
I've spent the last six years inawe of the life changing

(00:21):
connections and stories I have experienced while living abroad
and believe it is time for this adventure to be recognized,
celebrated, and elevated to the life stage that it is.
Through these interviews, I hopeto connect those living
internationally more. Deeply.
To both the place they are living and with themselves and
those around them. We cover.

(00:42):
Everything from international finances and meaning making to
global parenting and relationships to make your time
abroad more intentional, edifying and full of beauty.
Find us at houseofperegrine.com where you can find more ways to
connect with the ethos of Peregrine.
I hope you enjoy today's guest. Let's get started.

(01:03):
Hello everyone and welcome back to today's episode.
I'm sharing with you today a short clip from my TE DX talk
from November 2024 called Can Blockchain Be Used to Decode the
Future of Economics? Don't let the title fool you.
My talk is less about tech and more about something deeply
missing and our chain of value in the world economy.

(01:23):
This story begins for me in the bank, with a flash of clarity
that changed everything I thought I knew about fairness,
family, and financial safety. In recent episodes, we've talked
a lot about invisible labor, theshifting dynamics of
partnership, and how culture, caregiving and career all
collide when you're living international lives.

(01:43):
Time and again, the same truth keeps emerging.
We need to have these conversations before we're in
crisis and before the work is done, before the burnout, before
the resentment, before we are financially ruined or in a tough
relationship or in a tough spot with our visa for not asking the
hard questions and coming together with our values sooner.

(02:06):
This clip is for anyone who's ever wondered if love alone can
protect you from financial vulnerability, or who's realized
too late that a shared householddoesn't automatically mean
shared security or economic prosperity.
And that is actually how the system is set up.
We're sharing this not to place blame or cause panic or cause
division relationship, but to invite reflection.

(02:28):
I've had so many dear friends gothrough the pain of having
someone they once thought was forever to be fine with them
financially ruined because they put all of their time value into
the household while the other was building their resume with
no remuneration. For household contribution and
care work, a new kind of value paradigm is needed, and I am
very passionate about finding ways to honor the many kinds of

(02:50):
work it takes to build a life ina society together.
It's not just okay to talk aboutmoney and value when times are
good, it is essential. No one would work for a company
without first talking about compensation, and I would urge
you, especially if you are considering a move abroad as a
family or a couple, to discuss how value is rewarded and earned

(03:13):
in your own household. Here's that moment from the TEDx
stage. Have you ever had a moment of
clarity so strong that it changed your life path forever?
Mine happened in a minivan of all places while I was taking my
children to preschool. They were all bundled up in

(03:33):
their car seats. Oh my God, so cute.
And I had just sent my partner off to run a company that
started at our kitchen table andwas now flourishing.
Obviously, I felt. So lucky.
I got to stay at home with my kids.
So why was I so angry? It all came together in a flash.

(03:56):
Suddenly I felt betrayed. I also felt foolish.
Most of the time I was spending was invisible, even to myself.
Until it wasn't. My partner and I had signed up
to share. The load of the household.
And until that moment, I thoughtwe were.

(04:18):
The anger suddenly began to makesense.
It was a direct result of feeling unsafe and unseen
financially, and it was ruining my mental health and my
marriage. I knew something needed to
change drastically and fast. It was shortly after that that
we packed up everything and moved to Amsterdam to reassess

(04:40):
our agreements and find a new way.
Forward together. Tonight I want to talk to you
about financial safety and the undue burden of financial burden
placed on women in our economy. A few months before that fateful
moment in the minivan, we boughta house.

(05:02):
We both went to the bank to get a loan.
After a few moments, the bank loan guy said to me, you don't
work. Somewhat defensively, I said to
him, I take care of the house and the children.
Quickly. He answered OK great, it's
better if we leave you off the loan.

(05:24):
Suddenly I couldn't breathe. How did I, the most independent
woman anyone knew, become a financial liability?
Despite working night and day, no one else seemed to be
concerned. Most told me I should just feel.
Lucky. So I did.

(05:45):
I doubled down on gratitude and tried to move on.
A few months later, my best friend, who also happens to be
my sister, confided in me she felt like something wasn't
adding up for her as a mother and an elementary school
teacher. I nodded along as she described
some of the very same conflicts I was having with my own partner

(06:08):
and within myself. What was going on?
I began drawing on a napkin. It looked.
Something like this, you can seeboth partners have the same 24
hours. In a.
Day. That's how it starts out anyway.
It turns out they don't give youmore time when you have a baby

(06:29):
or begin a household. The key becomes who is getting
paid for their time. In my case, my partner was
contributing a lot of money and a little bit of time.
For me, it was a lot of time anda little bit of money.
Combined, it made the whole of our household work.

(06:51):
But you can see if for any reason we would no longer shared
a household, time invested wouldnot convert to personal
financial gain. There's only one name on the
paycheck. Everything else is invisible.
As I left coffee that day with, I began to realize that becoming

(07:15):
a mother and starting a household are two of the most
dangerous things a woman can do financially.
I want you to raise your hand ifanything I'm saying resonates.
What I have learned from having similar coffees with people from

(07:37):
around the world is that at first it feels like you should
have known better. Then the anger begins to build
within the couple. But it is.
This is understandable, actually, just so you know.
It's understandable, but it's not the whole.
Story. It turns out it is also as a
result of how we value things inour economy.

(08:01):
Here you can see a simplified sketch of our economic system.
You can see that it has three different entities, government,
businesses and households. Here is what I was realizing.
I was in fact running an entity within the economy, yet I

(08:21):
couldn't afford to buy a house. Economics is often referred to
as the science of self-interest.It assumes that everyone is
always acting in their own best interest to amplify their own
financial value. Does this sound like you?
Yeah, me neither. Interestingly enough, it has

(08:43):
been a recent wave of female economists that have helped us
reimagine our economy as less like this drawing and more like
an ecosystem like our planet. Much like the cost of oil
production fails to account for the cost of its reliance on our

(09:04):
government or our environment, our economic models fail to
account for household labor yet depend on it.
As recent Nobel Prize laureate Claudia Golden so eloquently
illustrates, the world runs on women.
In the other two pillars of our economy, business and

(09:26):
government, contracts and laws are used to create financial
safety. Thanks so much for listening.
I know this topic can stir up a lot of fear, regret, and maybe
even some shame. After all, we just want to enjoy
our romantic partners and that'sOK.
I want to give perspective and aframework for starting these
conversations so you can go backto enjoying life and living with

(09:49):
more financial surety. These conversations aren't
always easy. They are incredibly powerful.
They open the door to deeper understanding, mutual respect,
and shared responsibility. If today's clip resonated with
you, I invite you to share it with a friend, a partner, or
someone you trust. Let it be the start of a
conversation not about blame, but about clarity, care, and

(10:12):
honoring all that goes into building a life together.
If you can find the full TEDx talk on YouTube, just search Can
blockchain be used to decode thefuture of economics?
And we'll link it in the show notes below.
If you're navigating these questions in your own
relationship or considering a move abroad with your family, I
have created a guide for you with all the agreements you will

(10:33):
need before making big changes in your relationship, especially
if you are moving abroad. House of Peregrine is the
network for those that move. Please join us at
houseofperegrine.com/auth/signupfor more guides, connections,
and experts for your life abroadand beyond.
OK, that's it for today. I hope you've enjoyed our show.

(10:54):
For the latest insights on living internationally, join us
at houseofperegrine.com to find out how you can connect with our
community. Let's craft a life story with
intention, together.